How Do I Overcome the Grief from My Husband’s Death?

I lost my husband of 21 years in April. He was my third marriage and, I'm sure, my last. I am nearing 70 now, and all I have done since he passed away is sleep and cry. At least, that is how it seems. I have family in the area, but I am sure I'm depressing company. Aside from my children and grandchildren, who have their own lives, I just don't know if life will ever have meaning for me again. I ache for my husband every day, and I still reach for him at night, as I used to do when I would check on him. I talk to him sometimes, all alone, but obviously I don't hear anything back. I just want him back! And yet I know he will never be back. How do I move past this grief? How do I move on? I know I should have seen this coming, as he had gone downhill over the course of the previous two years, but I was woefully unprepared for this kind of loss. I think I didn't want to believe it could happen. What do you think? —Left Behind
Dear Left Behind,

Your anguish is palpable in your writing. It is also totally understandable; losing a partner after 21 years of marriage is utterly devastating. I don’t think anyone can ever really be prepared for such a loss. It is just too much to try to wrap your head around until it happens. Even then, it can feel almost unreal.

You commented that all you have done is sleep and cry since your husband’s passing, but you followed this up by saying, “at least, that is how it seems.” In reading your follow-up comment, I wondered if, as you were writing this, you realized that you actually have engaged in some other activities in the months since your husband’s death. If this is true, it might be useful to take a look at what those things are and consider what has felt best. Try to do more of those things when you feel up to it. If and when you do have lighter moments, it is possible (though certainly not guaranteed) that you may feel some guilt. This is not uncommon among surviving spouses. It can feel unfair that you are still able to be in this world having positive experiences while your partner is gone. Sometimes, people even feel like their grief serves as a connection to their lost loved ones, and they cling to it as a means of remaining connected.

The loss of loved one is a universal experience, but everyone’s grieving process is unique and there is not a one-size-fits-all approach. That said, many people find bereavement groups to be very healing experiences. Bereavement groups can foster a sense of connection because they allow you to see that other people are living with the same kind of loss that you are. They can instill hope. You may come to see that if the people in your group can make it through their losses, so can you. Group therapy can also be a forum for brainstorming coping techniques as members share some of the ways they have been able to move toward healing.

If a group feels overwhelming, or if you have trouble accessing a bereavement group, consider your own personal grief counseling with a therapist who specializes in this area. Right now you are very understandably suffering, but you do not have to suffer forever, and you do not have to do it alone. You can heal from this, and I wish you all the best in your process.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.
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  • Charla

    January 24th, 2014 at 11:44 AM

    I don’t know that this kind of grief is something that you overcome so much as work through and process in your own way. It has to be terrible to lose a spouse, especially when you finally feel that you have lost the love of your life. I do hope that in small measurable ways you are once again at some point able to find a little happiness in your life as I hope that you still have many more years to live yourself.. Things do get better with time and I am sure that this sounds so tired and cliche to you, but I hope that you have a strong system of support in place to help you work through this grief. Peace my friend.

    Reply

  • Karen

    November 16th, 2016 at 1:55 AM

    I am so sorry for everyone’s loss. I’m trying too. Not a good example though. Since losing Mel, MW (Mr Wonderful), even with 3 beautiful children. I dread the upcoming holidays. I actually dread each day. Trying to cope. I’m grateful for finding this blog. People to talk to late at night when I can’t sleep. God bless you all.

    Reply

  • Annie

    November 16th, 2016 at 3:47 PM

    Hi Karen. I know the feeling. I am dreading the holidays but like you said we have each other. God Bless you and I will be praying for you. We’ll get through it together.

  • marycrawford

    November 25th, 2016 at 2:47 AM

    I just lost my husband of 8 years Oct 11, 2016. He was 53. He walked out the door to take my mom to Dr appt and had massive heart attack, wrecked the car and just died. He never complained, I cannot sleep, eat, think…all I can do is think, “what was he feeling when he walked out that door”?. He and I wee so close, we were soul mates, we were best friends. He was here helping me take care of my 86 yr old Mom. He made my life so much happier…now he’s gone. I’m so sick…I can’t describe the heartache I have.

  • Sandy

    December 31st, 2016 at 2:53 PM

    My husband of more than 43 years died July 20 2015 from Levy Body Dementia. He was diagnosed in May 2012 but he had been having signs before having to leave his job. He and my children were my whole life. The day he died I wanted to die also. I lay in our bed and wish I could just hear or feel him next to me. I’ve faced many loses of other family members but I feel my life has stopped. I was 17 when I mmetmy husband in Nov 1970. I had ust graduated high school that spring. I dont sleep or even want to get up each day. I keep asking myself when will it get better, when will i ever want to actually wake each morning. We have 3 adult children and 3 grandchildren. As for having a good support system i wish I did never felt more alone in my whole life. I had planned to start grief counseling from Hospice. They had been so much help the 2 woks before he died. If I talk of my husband and the enormous loss I feel or start crying my children get upset so I hush. I pray alot and I have ask God to take me home but I guess thats not right either. I ask myself and when I talk to my husband when will it get better. I have no answers.

  • Widow

    February 16th, 2017 at 3:16 PM

    I lost my husband on November 30, 2016. My family and friends have pretty much disappeared. I have been grieving every day since he passed all I do is cry at the drop of a hat. Sometimes I think I’m never going to get through this. I have two young daughters that are grieving also. I am disappointed in my family and friends Who promised me they would be there for us. Sometimes I just feel like screaming. 2016 I lost my job we lost our home and I lost my best friend and soulmate for 28 years He was everything to me and my kids and now we are lost without him.

  • Dawn

    February 19th, 2017 at 2:13 PM

    Hi Karen , I’m so sorry for your loss My husband of 41 years was killed in an accident August 22, 2016 We started dating when I was 14 1/2 and dated for three years before we got married I have been with this precious man for 45 years I don’t know how to go on. It has only been six months and I seem to be getting worse and worse I cry all the time There is nothing that I want to do I go to work and come home every night I get in my bed and stay With my two dogs I have children and grandchildren and family but all I want today is My Husband back I know he is better off where he is but I miss him so bad I can hardly breathe I know I have to pull myself together for the living and move on I have great faith and a wonderful relationship with Jesus I wish I knew how long this was going to last Before I can talk about him and smile We were together every day we live together we played together every day The loss is unbearable sometimes He is everywhere Keep me in your prayers and I will keep y’all in mine. Blessings my friend 🙏

  • Karen

    March 17th, 2017 at 4:55 PM

    I also lost my husband Mel on November 15, 2016 at 12:45 p.m. He is the love of my life for 42 years. He loved to deer hunt with our 19 year old grandson. They had seen a ten point earlier that week and grandpa wanted Bay to get it more than any thing. Well
    Bay did get the ten point and grandpa and him were celebrating and taking pictures when grandpa collapsed and was gone before he hit the ground. There are no words to express what we are going through. It has been the most unbearable pain anyone can imagine. I had to bury my husband on my birthday and I will never celebrate another birthday. Two days ago was our 43rd anniversary and 4 months since Mel passed. I feel that my life is over just waiting for God to take me home too.

  • Karen

    March 30th, 2017 at 3:03 AM

    Hello, I’ve lost my best buddy after 35 years of marriage. Like the poignant stories, that I’m grateful you have shared here, I’m lost! It seems to be the only word I can find that explains fully how hollowed out I am! Once a vibrant, fun, busy, easy to laugh kind of wife, mother and grandmother, sister and friend, I don’t know how to get back to feeling like me. Like others who wrote “I just want him back” I come home from work, drop my bag and just cry out, “please come back!!” over and over again! He was an apostle on this earth! My husband helped EVERYONE! Through his small business and his work to help others with sobriety (he had 23 years!!!) He set such an amazing example! Hey, as I write this, I think I’ve found a little bit of personal inspiration! I had a ring side seat to his work to become and stay sober and I often privately marveled at HOW he kept his wonderful sense of humor and thoughtfulness even to complete strangers! He brought out the better Angels in both of us and I see that in our son’s now too! I’m going to journal about his sober journey, how he became strong and fought his enormous urge to self medicate and how he helped so many people at his Monday night meeting for so many years! His funeral mass was filled with those he helped. I’m going to follow up on his courage and strength because Dear Lord I want to and I need your help here. Amen

  • Paula C.

    July 28th, 2017 at 12:36 PM

    I love my husband in feb,we were married 48 years,how do you start over,I been with him since I was 17,he died suddenly. I have 3 beauitful children but I feel I am bring them down.

  • Karen

    October 19th, 2019 at 9:00 PM

    I just lost my husband yesterday . He was battling prostate cancer since 2016. He suffered so much. We were married 39 years. I’m deviasted. I’m crying all the time. He was a good man. I miss him terribably.

  • Lisa C.

    January 25th, 2020 at 10:03 PM

    Just lost the love of my life on 12/9/19, we were together for 45 yrs, I am just so devastated, he was my everything. I am back at work, however, when I am home can’t stop crying, and missing him. He was 60yrs old, I’m 59yrs. Just so sad, its so painful.

  • Sylvia

    December 20th, 2016 at 12:29 PM

    My husband died in April we been married for 51 years, my only boyfriend, we move to Spain and enjoyed the last 8 years of our retirement, I may him so much, how do I
    Get though it. I know lots of women have to go through it but I never new it was like this and Christmas makes it unbearable please help me ,

    Reply

  • Christine

    December 20th, 2016 at 4:54 PM

    Sylvia,
    I lost my husband of 49 years in January of this year. He had an infected ulcer on the bottom of his foot that wouldn’t heal, while in the hospital, got pneumonia, then was in a coma for several months which he came out of but had a trach and a feeding tube so he couldn’t speak. I hadn’t heard his voice for about 4 months before his death. He was just beginning to be able to move his hands and feet with therapy and it looked like he was going to get better when he took a turn for the worse and passed away. We didn’t get to celebrate our 50th anniversary which would have been on August 6, 2016 or to enjoy retirement. I retired in May of this year but don’t feel like doing much because I miss my best friend.
    I guess that we are both lucky to have had them for so many years but that is little comfort when you see couples that are older together and you think to yourself that they don’t know how lucky they are to still have each other.
    A friend suggested that I read “The Widow’s Key” by Linda Lindholm, and “Grieving, Our Path Back to Peace” by James R. White which I sent for but haven’t yet received
    –maybe someone out there has read it and can comment–. My faith is very important to me and I believe that he’s in a better place, but I wish that he was here with he instead. One of my friends kept telling me that she understands how I feel and I finally told her that she does not understand how I feel because her husband is still with her and all of her children are too (I lost a daughter 9 years ago at age 39).
    God Bless you–

  • Sandra

    December 21st, 2016 at 7:44 AM

    Hi Sylvia…So sorry for your loss, I feel your pain without a doubt, we all do…I’m 21 months in and coming to wards acceptance, still miss my husband like crazy and never stop thinking about him..I’ll always miss him as you will also probably…it’s life, it’s a cross we have to bear unfortunately….it’s the price we pay for love..I’m envious you got to spend 8 yrs retirement together, we got 12 wks…I so feel for my husband after him working hard all of his life to be cut down after 12wks retirement…The day he died ( he was ill ) he took half of me with him…I so hope you can stay strong and be grateful for all the good years you had together..Look after yourself…x

  • Dennis

    January 13th, 2017 at 8:02 PM

    Sylvia,
    I was sorry to read about the loss of your dear husband of 51 years just before Christmas 2016. I know everybody says ‘it will get better’ , it WILL. In 1991, my daughter Sharon 24 years old and a nurse, died due to a choking incident. I am divorced but have a partner who did her very best to help me by taking me out on weekends away here and there but it only helped a little. I never stopped crying every night and would have her photo beside me while I did. Every time I was out, I thought I saw her but it was only someone else. This all happened in 1991 and time HAS healed. Don’t get me wrong, I remember her every day and will do until I meet her again. Please try to find another lady who has recently be bereaved. I used to go on a free two week holiday provided by the forces of which I was a member. Now, this lady who had been to the resorts before said “It’s no good now, I will feel lonely with no one to speak to”. I said go and find someone who has been through the same. She did and met these other widows and things changed for the better for her.
    I wish you well in life and please be sure there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I know, I saw it!
    Dennis 69 year old male

  • Val

    October 7th, 2017 at 4:00 AM

    My husband and I had been together for almost 53 years and married for 50 of them when he was diagnosed with GBM4 in February 2017. He had been showing signs of not being very well for some months but despite previous scans they never found it until February and by then they gave him two months to live. He lived for four, most of them in a hospice, because after the diagnosis he went down hill very quickly. He was so brave, only thinking of us, mainly me and made me promise faithfully I would be ok. He died in my arms on the 15th June and my world fell apart. He was the love of my life, the only boy friend I ever had and I really don’t know how I have got through the last few months without him. I have amazing friends that have helped and my son, daughter-in-law and three year old granddaughter, but of course they are grieving too, so much. My little princess does not know where her granddad has gone. We have explained but she is too young to understand, only that she misses him. Somehow in the first two months I managed to get myself out of bed and start the day, mainly down to my dog, who has to be looked after and was with us the moment my husband died, in fact it was him that woke at 5.30 a.m. because he sensed the time had come and had climbed on to the bed with my husband and was licking his face, trying to get some response. I also started a facebook page and have run that since two weeks after he died, encouraging people, in a similar situation to myself to try and move forward in a positive way and that has helped me and them no end. As we can let off steam and get the reassurance that the feelings we have are normal and have supported and encouraged each other through the hardest times. Only someone who has lost their live partner can possibly understand the grief and pain that accompanies it. At 73 I have lost friends and relatives to cancer and heart disease. I have lost beloved pets but this is like nothing else. It was always my worst nightmare to lose him but the reality is far worse than I could ever have envisaged. I am getting there, I am going out and actively seeking company and I can laugh and remember him with love, However, little things, like going for my flu jab today, on my own, will bring tears, or finding a little note with his writing. Or watching a television programme that is serialised and knowing that we watched it together and he is now not here. The emptiness is losing, the voice, the glances, the cuddles and the flutter in my stomach, that after all those years together still happened when he touched me or looked at me across a crowded room. You cannot replace that with memories or with anything else. I will make it, for him, for the courage he showed in those final months when he knew he was dying but never ceased to smile and make me happy. My heart goes out to everyone else on here who has lost their loved ones. It is a hard journey but it is possible.

  • Elizabeth

    December 2nd, 2019 at 8:38 AM

    Thank you to everybody who took the time and effort to put your feelings into words. It helps me so much to know that I am not alone and that someone understands. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. God bless you all.

  • Norma

    January 15th, 2020 at 2:02 AM

    I too lost my wonderful husband in Dec 2019
    I am totally lost and can’t cope at all we had been together since I was 15 he 18
    I had looked after him at home for over a year with mesothelioma cancer x
    I just love and miss him with all my heart don’t feel like I can go on without him I don’t want to leave the house at all. I have the most wonderful daughter , son in law and grandchildren who live with us and three more wonderful grandchildren who have there own houses and couldn’t have more love and care but nothing in the world could replace the most lovely husband I’ve lost x
    Could any of you lovely ladies going through this worst time of our lives help xx

  • Judy

    March 19th, 2017 at 6:59 AM

    I am dealing with “Should’ve, Would’ve Could’ve”.

    Reply

  • Cathy

    July 1st, 2017 at 1:57 PM

    My husband had major stroke Jan 8 2017 died Jan 31 2017 at the age of 66. I too deal with coulda shoula woulda….had I only made doctor test him Jan 30 when his stomach was so painful – should I have taken him to a different Rehab Facility…on and on and on

  • Jemina

    July 17th, 2017 at 8:54 AM

    Dear Cathy, I can relate to what you are going through. Even after 2 years and 9 months because I miss him more and more every day I feel that I should have insisted on him going to the hospital earlier and maybe he would have lived a few months longer which would have given us more time to talk and hug and reminisce. It didn’t seem like it would get better during the first few months after God took him home, but it did, with a lot of help and support from others. It’s a difficult and devastating journey to do alone but there is help out there if we are willing to take it and eventually we can give back by helping others in the same situation. Take care and God bless,
    Jemina

  • Paula C.

    August 1st, 2017 at 1:41 PM

    I just want to know how do you get through the holidays the first year?

  • Paula C.

    August 9th, 2017 at 2:52 PM

    I read ever one’s post,I just want to say that if I would of gotten my husband to the drs earlier, would it of helped,we don’t know,but we cannot go on thinking like that,our husband would not want us to,yes I kiss his picture ever day,and I will till I die, I cannt say how much I miss him 50 years is a long time.

  • Mary C.

    August 22nd, 2017 at 2:35 AM

    Funny, I couldn’t sleep and found this site again . Since my husband’s death in October, I’ve lost my brother in law to suicide, my mom ,everyone I loved. I am so alone, I feel like a nuisance to others. It’s a horrible life. Prayers for everyone who is going through this. Hard to see the good in life anymore.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    August 22nd, 2017 at 8:53 AM

    ….Mary C….We all know how you feel…I’m so sorry for your losses…Life can be brutal for sure…My husband has been gone over two years and I still think about him constantly…I know you’re lonely but please look after yourself and don’t give in, it takes time to adjust….It’s a painful process for sure….x

  • Patricia

    August 22nd, 2017 at 1:59 PM

    So Sorry Mary for your loss and pain! Yep! It’s really hard to cope with a living nightmare! I’ll Pray for you! XOXO Patricia

  • Linda

    August 14th, 2018 at 7:45 AM

    Lost my precious husband 3-20-2018. He had bypass surgery, went well. Moved to hospital rehab. ( Krindred, Indianapolis). Hospital stated – federal law couldn’t keep all bed rails up, called it restraint. He also had restless leg syndrome. So when I wasn’t there, he fell out of hospital bed, 3 more times. I found someone to sit with him, when I couldn’t . But then one infection after another. He lost 45pds. and died from to many procedures, and infections. I also will never recover. Just waiting for God to take me wherever he is.

  • Donna S.

    September 11th, 2018 at 3:57 AM

    I am so grateful that I found this website. I am so sorry for everyone’s losses who have shared their experience, strength, hope. I know how painful it is for all of us who suffer a tremendous loss. I lost my loving Kurt to a sudden heart attack on June 19, 2018. Apparently, I was there in the SNF when it happened; however, I can’t remember anything. All I know, is I woke up in the hospital on June 22nd. Kurt & I were married for 27 incredible years. He was my life and I was his. Then suddenly he was gone & I was a complete mess. I had been living in away from my family for the past 28 yrs. and now I was unable to take care of myself. My sister came to take me home with her so she could take care of me. Life is not worth living without Kurt. The loss of Kurt was enough to destroy me but I also lost life as I knew it. I am numb. Yes, I sob uncontrollably when I am alone but see no reason to move forward. What’s the point? Kurt was 62. I am lost without my soulmate. I do pray and I believe that my prayers are being heard by a power greater than myself. I suppose I believe that if you bring the body the mind will follow. I do not believe that I can begin to heal until I know what happened to Kurt and what happened to me.

  • Sheri T

    January 29th, 2019 at 8:26 PM

    My husband died suddenly after five years of kidney failure and dialysis. He too was the love of my life, dated fpr 10 years then married for 35. Reading about your loss is sad and I am sorry. I have so many of the same feelings as you and so many others. It helps me to know that I am not the only one that wants him back, or kisses his photo or changed my password to reflect my grief.

  • Gayle

    August 25th, 2019 at 2:54 PM

    I am am very keenly aware of your loss. My husband of 39 years passed away from a catastrophic brain injury following a b out with cancer then kidney failure . His attitude was great with he cancer, but when he went into kidney failure he became so cruel to me that I cried every day. he said things that nobody would ever say to their wife. We had to sell out house because we were living on savings for 5 years, and he didn’t want to, he wanted to stay in this big house forever. But, I was in charge of the upkeep, and being a caregiver to him. I realize now, that all that anger towards me was really him being angry at the world for the unfairness of his situation. (Super athlete, triathlete, etc) He also might have had chemo brain because the radiation was in the head. At any rate, my husband, who worshiped me, now hated me, and it hurt so bad because I don’t think he was kidding. I would give anything to “make up” with him and say I ‘m sorry, too because if you come after me hard enough and often enough I’m going to lash back. I just want to say how much I love him and I really need to know if he loved me or was our marriage a lie? I’m so sad and now I live in silence all alone in an apartment which I hate. I’d give anything to have him to talk to again even if it was just fussing and fighting.

    Reply

  • Lorraine

    August 25th, 2019 at 7:07 PM

    Gayle, I am SO grateful for your response. I look at the birthday cards my husband gave me and try to understand the rift between what he was expressing and how he treated me as his life was waning. I do think he was railing out at life failing him and, possibly, at the thought that I was going on while he couldn’t. Funny, he always said I had to let him die before me because he couldn’t live without me, but I know he didn’t want to go – yet. We had plans and dreams, and I know he wanted to be there for them and THEN die before me. Regardless, the raging anger ripped me apart. Two years ago today, I was helping move him from the hospital to hospice. He died two days later, this Tuesday. I kissed him at the hospital as they were putting him on the gurney to transport him, and I was there at the hospice to hug and kiss him. The transporter fellow begged to ask if we were high school sweethearts. I told him I had turned 40, and Danny was two weeks away from 42 when we got married! That’s how much love he saw then, but, oh, the last couple years, the last few months, the last weeks were so stressful and heartbreaking.
    Thank you SO much for telling me I’m not the only one who had a lovely, tumultuous relationship that ended with heartbreak and incomprehensible horror. I’m so grateful to know that someone else out there knows and comprehends.
    Lorraine

  • Linda

    December 16th, 2019 at 5:12 PM

    I’m sorry, but it does not get any easier. I lost my husband over 3 years ago suddenly and without any warning signs and it’s just a hard today if not more difficult.

    Reply

  • Charmaine

    August 30th, 2023 at 5:08 PM

    I too lost my husband of almost 30 years in August 2022. He was chronically ill for 15 years but it was our life and we loved and cherished each other. He was my rock and so wise. He was 59. I dropped him one morning to the hospital for his treatment as I did many times before, saw him walk through the revolving doors and the next, I saw him with breathing tubes as they told me he had a massive heart attack when he was registering for his treatment. I still cant believe he has left me. Just going home and him not greeting me or opening the door for me when my keys drop to the bottom of the purse. I don’t think anyone ever realize the pain of the loss of a husband who loved you and you loved for so long. I really feel like I’m a piece of a person now. I drive 55 kilometers one way to work and when the snow starts he would call me and say, snow fall is expected today certain time, you must leave now. last winter, no such call came and I really missed his calls trying to keep me safe from dangerous drive home. All I remember is he was fine one moment then the call less than an hour later. Life is not easy, so I believe and trust that God will make it all good for us in the Hereafter. I have a full time job as a manager supporting and guiding people, so I’m busy most times. I miss taking my issues to him and getting good feedback and support from him. I so miss him; I wish I had mor time. I feel like I will not be happy again, but I’m told it takes time. I hear him in my head before I make decisions. I always bounced things off him as he was wiser than I. I do what I think he will say is right in certain situations. I miss him so………

    Reply

  • Joanie

    January 25th, 2014 at 9:16 AM

    Do you think that getting involved with other widows who have gone through this too would help? Sometimes it’s nice to talk with other people who have felt the exact same things that you have felt as sometimes those of us who haven’t ever experienced loss loike this have a hard time understanding that kind of emptiness. It may all be too soon and still too raw for you and I understand that completely but often just having someone to talk to who you feel like knows where you are coming from can make a big difference in how you are feeling.

    Reply

  • rene

    January 27th, 2014 at 3:57 AM

    I urge you to seek out some help. I am sure that you are trying to muddle through this alone but truthfully this is a time when you need more help than ever! Please, I am sure you are depressed and feeling lonely and although you may come out of this given time, you would feel so much better if you had someone there who you trusted to get you through this.

    Reply

  • Heather

    December 10th, 2016 at 10:01 PM

    its a nightmare.. a flipping nightmare!!

    Reply

  • Judy

    January 10th, 2017 at 2:35 AM

    Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  • Bettina

    February 24th, 2017 at 11:06 PM

    I see so many cries of anguish. I came looking for a way to retain his scent and found this. I was angry that I saw no real responses to what I was looking for. And then I started reading. I don’t have answers, but what I found is that I may be unique in my feelings, but I’m not alone. I don’t even know if I’ll come back to this place. But to see someone else actually have the courage to say it’s a nightmare made me feel…raw..hopeless…but…maybe not the only one. Crazy as it is…just not alone.

  • Kraig

    January 29th, 2014 at 4:28 AM

    Have you talked with anyone about the feelings you continue to have?

    If this happened last April, that has been almost a year, not that there is some time frame on how long you should grieve your loss. But I do think that maybe that is enough time that if I were a part of your inner circle I would be concerned and would want you to work with someone to start processing this pain hopefully in a way that is a little more beneficial for you.

    Reply

  • Johanna R L.

    June 12th, 2018 at 3:48 PM

    I came across this site because I just did not know how to console my younger sister who lost her husband quite a few years ago. Of course, I did suggest the grief counseling, and my husband and I tried to do what we could to help her, and her 9 year old daughter survive the great loss. It is very important to realize that everyone grieves in their own way, and there is no set time-line to get over the loss of a loved one. I am so proud of my sister, that she was able to focus, and keep on with a job that she loved, and she is a loving mother, and sister, and sister-in-law. I cannot speak for her, but it does appear that just doing one day at a time helped greatly. I will mention one of the publications to her…”Grieving, our Path back to Peace”, by James R. White. My condolence to all who are on this journey. I am just now noticing “Charmaine D.” who lost her husband about 7 months ago. It will not be easy, it never is. Since the loss of her husband seems similar to what my sister survived, I will keep her, and her 1 year old in thoughts and prayer, and of course, may her husband’s soul Rest in Peace.

    Reply

  • meryl

    January 13th, 2015 at 5:18 AM

    I lost my husband of 27 years 2 years ago. I was 50 at the time. I can tell you that you never “get over” the loss. I will tell you that I heard something the other day that summed it up for me: It’s called the new normal. Life will never be the same but you will get to a point that you are ok. I can laugh and have a good time, but a day has not gone by that I don’t think about him the moment I wake up and then throughout the day. It is important to remember that your husband does not want you to be in pain or cease to live because he died. You must find ways to get back to living again. You will always have some sadness but it can not stop you from finding life again. It is important to keep busy and find something to focus on. Good luck to you, I know it is a most difficult journey!

    Reply

  • Teri

    August 23rd, 2016 at 5:03 PM

    It’s been 6 months afterv37 years. He died suddenly no warning in out hotel room. I found him in bathroom I’m a.m. I m lost devestated shattered and feel no real will. I try to go out c people only to return home utterly lost and sinking in tears. I cry out for him. I tell him how I need him how I m not adjusting how afraid I am. I csmnot imagine my life or c my life anymore. This grief is beyond comprehension. I read transition material I tell myself I m strong I have taken a trip but only to return time n again in such pain. I cannot stop the flow if tears. Everything shatters my core. He was my live my life my breath my soul. We had a wonderful marraige except last two years as he seemed to not b doing well but would not go to dr. Perhaps he could have prevented his heart attack. We will never know. It dies not matter. I m not sngry with h8m. I coukd never ne. He was such a quality human being. He is so lived by all that knew him. Kind honest ethical successful and living did everything to make me happy as he adored me and told me so akways. I m sinking in pain. I just want him back so I can feel normal feel loved gmfeel safe. I need him to wrap his arms around me to let me know it’s going to b ok. I can hear him say it but I don’t feel it. Life seems all but over. I need him I need to tell him things that I coukd not say bcuz he was taken so suddenly. I need to hug him to tell him again and again I love him. I need to know he has transitioned if there is such a thing. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. Just pain.

    Reply

  • Connie

    September 1st, 2016 at 7:35 AM

    I lost my husband of 38 years on Father’s Day, June 19, 2016. He was at work on a drilling rig and went to sleep and never woke up. He had a heart attack. I totally feel exactly the way you are feeling. He was my life. I had basically let my life revolve around him and my 4 children for years. I was a stay at home mom and he was gone a lot. So basically I lived for days off. Now I just can’t seem to find a purpose for my life. I am raising my last child, a daughter who is 15. I get up and take her to school and then I just seem to sit and cry all day. I try to tell myself I have to do things, but I just can’t stay focused. I don’t know what to do.

  • S. Costanzo

    October 19th, 2016 at 4:41 AM

    Terri,
    My husband passed away Sept, 3/2016 I cannot begin to tell you how your words and thoughts are identical to mine. I am lost without my beloved husband, every day is a constant struggle. My heart hurts so much and finding it difficult to live without my love. Not happy, just not happy….. we were together 31 years and married 26 years. He was the love of my life, my everything…….. My love had a massive stroke at the age of 55 and my life changed forever. I am lost and in so much pain words can not describe how much this hurts. Life without him is agonizing…….

  • Rita

    January 16th, 2017 at 8:06 PM

    I loss my husband of 29 years on news years day 2016. I was in the kitchen making food with 2 of my kids, we thought he was sleeping in the next room. When I checked on him it was too late he had died from cardiac arrest. I went from a family of 5 to being all alone in a years time., my children were all going out on their own. To make things worse my mother passed away 6 weeks after my husband. 3 other family members also died the same year. I live in a rural area and feel so alone. There is no clubs or groups, I have looked. I just feel like life has become me hanging in there until I die. I have a strong faith so that helps me I just worry I will never be happy.

  • Tammy

    April 7th, 2017 at 6:56 PM

    Teri, I was reading your story and felt like I wrote it. My husband was a healthy man who came out of the shower and said he didn’t feel right, and within 1/2 an hour he was gone forever. This was on February 20, 2017. I cry all day and night and don’t know how I am suppose to even carry on. It doesn’t seem real sometimes, like he will come home soon. I want him back so bad. We were together for 33 years and he died at the young age of 50. The thought of even going back to work makes me sick to my stomach but I have to pay the bills somehow. I feel like I am just getting through each day till I can be with him again. I have heard the saying new normal but I want my old normal back. We did everything together and had so many plans and now that is all gone. How do I even start to think about the future?

  • Rosa M.

    July 11th, 2017 at 10:38 AM

    January 16, 2017 was the day my best friend of 43 years left me. He was 63. I miss him so much. Since his death we (my children) have celebrated his birthday in May and Father’s Day in June. August 4th would have been 44 years of marriage for us and I am dreading it. I cry every morning and every night. The emptiness is just so unbearable my heart hurts in a way I’m not able to explain. Maybe it will get easier but in a few days he will be gone 6 months and I still hurts as much today as I did the 1st day. I hurt when I see my children and grandchildren.

  • pamela

    April 22nd, 2017 at 10:04 AM

    it’s been two years for me and i hate the loneliness

    Reply

  • Judy

    April 30th, 2017 at 11:18 PM

    Pamela, I truly understand the loneliness. I do not crave companionship. I don’t long to be with other people. I miss Him and I am lonely. Hard to describe and even harder to feel. Wish I had a remedy.

  • susan

    September 12th, 2017 at 12:10 PM

    i loss my husband in january i feel so alone ,i have a wonderful family who love me but im afraid with out him i push threw the days

    Reply

  • Jenn❤️

    June 23rd, 2018 at 7:48 AM

    Your words are so comforting! I lost my husband of 34 years a month ago to a year long battle with cancer. I was prepared for the loss, but not for the struggle and suffering. I feel lost! Now that I look back on the last year, I question my decisions. The stress and struggle to make the “right” decisions by my loving husband was almost intolerable.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    June 24th, 2018 at 2:02 AM

    …Hi Jenn…I’m so terribly sorry for your loss….It’s very early days for you, all I can say is, we all know how you feel ( although everyone’s grief is personal to them )….it’s a very painful time for you…My husband died in 2015, he had lived with IPF ( Lung Disease ) for just over 5yrs….We both knew the outcome as it’s a progressive disease that is incurable….I still hurt most days, but I can actually laugh now and not feel guilty….Some days are better than others, but he’s never far from my thoughts….You will move on even though it doesn’t feel like it at the minute…..There’s no magic cure…Just be patient with yourself, 1 day at a time, slowly but surely…..I read a quote just recently which is very apt for me now at my stage of my grief…It read….’ Don’t be sad it’s ended…just be happy it happened ‘……I hope you can get to the same stage before to long….Be strong, and good luck to you….x

  • Sandra

    June 24th, 2018 at 5:45 AM

    ….Hi Jenn….So sorry for your very recent loss….My husband was ill with IPF for over 5yrs…He died in 2015….We both knew how it would end too as it was an incurable Lung Disease…..You will feel very lost and confused, just remember, however you feel is normal for your situation….I too have questioned myself over decisions I made or didn’t make….Please don’t beat yourself up over what you did or didn’t do, it will only add to your grief and serve no purpose…..It’s a very sad time for you but take some comfort in knowing your husband has escaped his torment….I read a good quote recently….It read…’Don’t be sad it’s over..just be happy it happened ‘…..I hope you can feel like this one day in the future….I regularly think about the people on this Forum and you are right…their words are a comfort…..Look after yourself and be patient with yourself also…..Good luck…..x

  • Jean A.

    August 1st, 2018 at 6:25 PM

    I lost my husband of 15 years on June 8th, 2018. All of the pain he was in was supposed to be from brachytherapy side effects. He had his bladder and prostate removed, only to find out that he had invasive bladder cancer. Greg died 2 weeks later. I miss him so much. I have been keeping busy to try to distract myself. I have had a lot of losses in my life- my mom, dad, sister… and I am sure I try to compartmentalize the hurt and grief. I allow myself to feel the pain when it hits. But it always seems to hit me when I least expect it. Today, at the Verizon store, I just broke down. Verizon… and I can’t seem to stop crying. I can’t find his wedding ring anywhere, which adds to the pain. Anyway, I am grateful for this site and share in the grieving process.
    Jean

  • Kelli

    January 1st, 2019 at 5:25 PM

    Hi Jen,

    I lost my husband on December 14; 2018 to a battle with cancer for just over a year. I am a nurse and cannot stop wondering if we took a wrong path in treatment and if I missed something. I am so lonely. He was my best friend and we did everything together. January 9 will be our 31 anniversary. I just can’t imagine my future without him. In all the posts I can relate to everyone. This is the hardest loss of my life. I can’t sleep, I go back to work tomorrow because I have to pay the bills and it is what he would want. I just don’t know how I am going to survive. I’m sorry for your loss and everyone else’s.

  • Susan

    June 28th, 2018 at 2:01 PM

    My husband went to work on May 8th as usual. While I was teaching, I rec’d a phone call from the EMTs stating I should get to the emergency room ASAP. My 16 year old daughter and I arrived. We were taken to a room and were told he did not have a pulse upon arrival and had died of a massive heart attack. Keith was 55; we were married for 27 years, our older daughter was set to graduate that Thursday. I felt like I was in a fog. My dad died six months earlier. I was blessed to have my mom, sister, brother, brothers and sisters in law, friends, and faculty surrounded me. Two months later, I cry everyday. I want him back. He was the strong one. I am so afraid. My daughters are grieving – my oldest refuses to cry and is angry he refused to go to the doctor/ my youngest wants him to come home(she knows he will not, but she just misses him so much. I just wish I could take away this saddness and return to the joy we once had. Will we ever be happy again? He once threatened to divorce me if I brought up going to the doctor. I should have forced him to go. We attended my oldest’s graduation and I felt so proud and so sad he missed that moment and all the future family moments. I’m scared and sad, but I know I cannot fall apart. I just need to know we will be ok.

    Reply

  • Michelle

    July 28th, 2018 at 10:37 PM

    HI Susan, my name is Michelle and I read many posts from those who have lost their husbands, but when I read yours’ – I thought – that’s me, minus the children. My husband Chuck and I were married for 27 years – he went to work one day, and that afternoon I got a call from the hospital saying he collapsed at work and I needed to get to the hospital – they wouldn’t tell me anything else. Of course I started running around in a circle not sure of what I was doing – called my nieces, sisters and friends – drove to the hospital and as I walked into the emergency room – I could see all of the people he worked with sitting there, but it was like they were statues that were just there looking at me – they took me to the back and told me a doctor would be in soon to take me to see my husband – wouldn’t tell me anything else – I was freaking out – no one came – I finally walked into the hall and started calling out his name – they finally saw me and took me back into the room and told me he was gone – had a massive heart attack and they were not able to bring him back – I started screaming and they said, “You need to calm down!” Obviously they knew nothing about me and I thought – “Are you F..ing kidding me? Calm down – I don’t think so”. That moment and the rest play like a bad movie in mind head all the time. My husband died October 17th, 2017 – so it’s been a little over 9 months and it is not getting any easier. Just like you – my husband was having some problems but his doctor said it was gas – and every time I asked him, he said – “Leave me alone – I’ m fine.” He would get so mad and storm off back to the bedroom – or wherever – I wasn’t. Of course – now the guilt of should-have done this – should have made him go back to the Doctor – I feel so guilty because he always took care of me – Why didn’t I take care of him and make him go back to the Doctor – maybe he would still be here with me? This all sucks – I cannot get past it – right after he passed was Thanksgiving and his Birthday – he would have been 57 years old – way too young. I think that hardest part for me about this is that I never got to say goodbye – I was not the one that was with him when he died . One of the worst parts of this whole thing was that he was supposed to walk our niece down the aisle 4 days later. My sisters daughter lived with us during the week while she finished High School in my area. My husband and I have no children – just dogs (our kids) and Chuck and my niece became so close – He was always good with all of our nieces – he had 5 girls to deal with – but he did a great job. In my heart, I know what happened – I could feel my little sister telling her and she was screaming so loud that the next door neighbors ran out thinking that someone was being killed or something – but I know that’s what it felt like to her and it breaks my heart – it also kills me that my husband did not get to walk her down the aisle because he was so excited. I was on a facebook video chat with my sister, nieces and their friends while they were trying on wedding dresses. They live about 45 minutes away from me and were going there early in the morning – I don’t get up that early – so hence the video chat – anyway = Amanda put on the dress she was going to get and she looked absolutely beautiful – my husband was in the yard and I yelled to him to come and see something. I told him we were on a video chat with the girls at the Bridal Dress place – he said, “I think that’s a girl thing” – I said whatever – he was standing behind me and Amanda walked back into the picture and he saw her – I could see in the screen that he was wiping tears from his cheek – he told her how beautiful she looked and he walked away. I thank God that he got to see her in her dress – the whole thing just kills me daily. Sorry about rambling on, but when I saw your post I felt drawn to you – I hope that if you need to reach out – I will look back at the site to see if you have written back. It’s way too early for you to feel anything = it’s almost like being in shock – I think it’s because it was so unexpected – you don’t have the chance to get used to what is going to happen and didn’t get to say goodbye – it really sucks. I can tell you – that my husband does send me messages – it was my birthday last week. The first one without him. I cried for a week before just thinking about it – My sisters, mom, aunt and friends kept me busy all day – plus of course my niece Amanda with her baby boy Blake – only thing that makes my heart smile anymore – we had gone to lunch and came back to my house to let Blake swim. My sister, best friend, Amanda and Blake and I were going to dinner after he swam. We went inside to get changed, my friend was in my bathroom – I walked back there – Amanda and my sister were still in the Kitchen. As I passed my hall bath, the smell of cologne was so strong. I walked into my bathroom and asked my friend, “Are you bathing in perfume” she said, “No I thought you had been back here spraying this” – The smell was so strong and in that instance – I recognized my husband’s cologne – I almost knocked my friend down running to the kitchen to get my sister and niece. I said, “Hurry – come back to my room – quick” I was in front of them and as we passed the hall bath I turned to look back at my niece and sister – my Niece looked at me and smiled – she said, “OMG What!” We walked thru my room and on into the bathroom – it was like someone had taken a bottle of his cologne and thrown it all over the walls, ceiling, floor, – everywhere – my niece, sister and friend all started crying – my niece said,
    Aunt Michelle – you said last night you asked God to please let him come for your birthday- obviously – your prayer was answered – if he’s not here – well he is here” I told my sister to look under the counter and make sure that his bottle of cologne had not been knocked over or something – she pulled it out and said, “No – it’s closed tight” – Then we really started crying – the smell was overwhelming, and I could not believe it – it was even in the closet – I was so happy, but horribly sad at the same time. He has sent me other messages and I have told all of them about it, but I was really glad that they were all there as witnesses to see what happened. I told them that and they all say that they believe me when I tell them these crazy things that happen, but it’s nice that they could really see it for themselves. I don’t know if you talk to your husband – I’m sure you do, but I talk to mine all of the time – of course it starts out as a conversation and ends with me crying – I just cry every day – but I know for a fact that there is nothing – nothing anyone can say or do to fix it. I know it hurts my family that they cannot help me, but they all loved him so much – they understand. Every one wants to help – doctors offer anti-depressants – but I tell them . No way – I am not going to wake up a year from now and say, “OMG my husband is dead” I am hitting this head on – head clear and do what I have to do – which sucks, but nothing else I can do. Told the guy that gives me botox – “Don’t think you have enough of that to fix my face!” So please – don’t try to put any “I think I should do this because it’s what you think people expect” Do what you feel – it you need to walk around crying – do it – if you need to talk to him – do it I got a heavy bag out and am going to hang it from a tree in my back yard and get my baseball bat and beat the s…t out of it when I start feeling this come one – I have been beating my fist on my granite counter top – but that hurts! So – I’ve got to slam my fists down or something – so I figure my heavy bag and a baseball bat will be the best thing. So again – whatever you need to do – you may not have to beat on a bag with a bat, but if it helps do it!
    “

  • Mary L

    January 26th, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    My husband of 42 years died on 12/13/14 from cancer. I am totally devastated and feel at a loss how to proceed with my life or what to do. I have gone to a bereavement group and it does help alot. There’s just so much to do to settle paperwork and everything that I feel totally overwhelmed. I just have been trying to take one day at a time!

    Reply

  • Carol h

    June 3rd, 2016 at 10:36 AM

    Mary. Hope you are feeling a bit better now .i lost my husband of53 years in 2013 ,to prostate cancer. I’m 74 now, have a big family but it seems worse now than at the begining,feeling very sad today! It must get better soon ! Hopefully I’ll think of you. Carol

    Reply

  • Sandra

    June 11th, 2016 at 10:06 AM

    ..I lost my husband 15th March 2015 to Pulmonary Fibrosis after 48 years together and 44 years pf marriage..There was so much to cope with at first, paperwork, household matters etc….it went on for months….I’m now in my second year, and I too feel worse than in the beginning…When the dust settles and it starts to sink in, really sink in, it’s only then that you realise your life has changed forever…I usually fill up at some point in the day, every day, still…I suppose it will go on being like this for a very long time…it just comes over me in waves, I miss him so much, but from the beginning I said to myself…Right, you can do this, be patient with yourself, take your time and I still try and stick to this, but its so not easy…I feel for you all, stick in there….Take the pain on the chin, just go with the flow as they say….Good luck to you all…x

  • bayla

    October 9th, 2016 at 3:56 PM

    One step at a time. One breath at a time.
    Please be kind to yourself and don’t put yourself in a place that doesn’t feel right to you.

  • Joanie

    December 14th, 2016 at 9:31 AM

    Lost my husband July 5 2016 from prostate cancer. We were married 42 years. I am so lost with out him. Holidays are coming and it is truly difficult.

  • Patricia

    March 8th, 2017 at 11:02 PM

    I just lost my beloved husband of 55 years less than a month ago on Feb.18, 2017. He died of acute respiratory failure in the hospital. I was his caregiver for over 6 years and the last 6 months has been a total nightmare, he was in so much pain and just wanted to die! His last words to me is that he is sorry that he is dying and leaving me alone and I was always his one love! Now I’m crying again! I miss him so much it hurts! He was my best friend and my soulmate and when he died I also died! How can I bear this unbearable pain and loss! This is a living hell without him! Yesterday I got up and got dressed and started to leave the house to go visit him and stop and realize that he was gone and I would never see him again in my lifetime, and whats left of it will be an empty existence! I am in a living hell!

  • Cathyf

    August 11th, 2019 at 4:41 PM

    Patricia,
    I am not sure if you still read this blog but I am wondering if you made it through? I lost my husband of 33 years on May 26, 2019 . I quite frankly do not want to live in a world without him and if there is a quick and easy way for me to leave I would do so. I am almost 3 months into this process and today it seems to be getting worse. Like many others I am asking what is the point of going on, unlike many others I have no children, no pets and not a good support system. I poured all of my energy into my friendship with my husband it’s all I wanted and all i needed. I would like to hear how you made it through? CathyF

  • Cindy

    June 7th, 2016 at 6:30 AM

    I totally understand your pain. My beloved husband died Dec. 29 of cancer. We had talked about many things before he passed. One thing my husband emphasized over and over was that I need to live on for both of us and do all the things we had planned but didn’t get to. I know he wants me to be happy which is still difficult, but numerous things have happened since he passed that convince me he is watching over me. Some days are better than others but I don’t think I will ever stop missing him or stop talking to him. I have bee to two mediums with interesting results. My husband assured me before he died that he would let me know he is still around me. I find that very comforting. Good luck to you….some days you just need to cry, but know your husband doesn’t want you to be so sad. I try to remember the funny happy things I loved about my husband every day. I still look at beautiful sunsets and sunrises for peace.

    Reply

  • Rich

    June 7th, 2016 at 11:28 AM

    Cindy:
    I agree with you.
    Janet passed 4 months back. While I did feel her presence I was totally unable to cope until about 2 weeks ago. Nothing changed except that I fully accepted what had happened as being Gods will. No, I’m not a Bible thumper and in fact I only attend church once a year. However, the peace that I have from as some call it accepting “Gods divine Plan” has helped me to the point where I am able to sleep at night and get off of medication. I know I will see Janet again, I’m sure of it.
    I feel Janet’s presence daily. In fact the other day I attended an auction where you have to get a number (usually 1-1000) which is created by scanning your drivers license in front of an optical reader. My friend went first and couldn’t get his to work, I tried and it immediately assigned me number 511 which happens to be Janet’s birthday. I don’t look for these confirmations and don’t reach for them but I get them daily. I am thankful for them and believe they are more than mere coincidences.
    Life will never be the same and I am ready to join Janet at anytime but the assurance that she is with me gets me through the day.
    Rich

  • AloneOnEarth

    June 20th, 2016 at 7:06 PM

    I lost my beloved husband in Feb this year, after 1 month in hospital ICU out of a heart attack after his sports session. He had gone thru lots of pain and hard time struggling with the ECMO and various life support facilities. During the time, he was very weak. He can’t talk with the respirator in his mouth, most time just lie there in sleep. Still, in his limited interval of consciousness, he tried his best to comfort me, holding my hands with several grasps that took most of his energy to do so. I knew he loved me soooooooooo much. Now I drowned in the endless pain and darkness, that seems happiness has leave me forever.

    I still feel for him, I talked to him every day, kissed his photos and lit up candle for him. I was brought up in Atheism background and used to believe there is no souls existing after life. now I’m very much confused if I’m lying to myself, to believe his existence made me feel better, or I don’t know how to face it. Maybe I’m just lying to myself and avoiding the truth that he has gone forever.

  • Lucy

    April 19th, 2017 at 4:34 AM

    I have read all your posts and my husband, Bill, died unexpectedly from a blood clot. He was in hospital, legs were paralyzed from his prostrate cancer spreading to the spine but it had stopped and he was actually doing pretty good considering. He got up in the morning and was in good spirits, chatting to his favorite nurse about a wood working project for our daughter, she had just turned 21 the day before. The nurse went out to get his breakfast tray and when she returned he was unresponsive, they tried to revive him but he was gone. I got the phone call that he had died and I couldn’t believe it. Its not like we didn’t know he had been ill for quite awhile. But both he and I seemed to have this problem with facing unpleasant realities in life. He was a compulsive debtor who ended up going through absolutely every dime we had, including having to sell our home…but I believe in him. I thought he could make his business successful. We would have been married 39 years this August. I didn’t just rely upon him for everything, I was totally codependent. When we were bankrupted, I moved back to my family home, in with my mother, who has been widowed a long time and lives with my younger sister. It was devastating to lose a life time of savings, our home and my old lifestyle, which was quite affluent. I loved my husband and I thought by going along with him on everything was love. The smartest thing I did, while he was still alive, in this past year and a half was to join Al Anon because although he wasn’t an alcoholic (my father was), he was a compulsive debtor and had the mindset of a gambler (thinking he’d get all the money back if he just landed the next big project). Joining Al Anon was a lifesaver for me. I would encourage anyone to seek out a 12 Step program and work it diligently. My husband died on April 6th and I too had to bury him on my birthday. I have a large family but none of my siblings helped out, they are all adult children of an alcoholic home, just like me, and none of them even know how its effected their lives – needless to say they are all drinkers. So it was my Al Anon friends who were the support system that helped me through the funeral and its my Al Anon friends who I go to now. I will be attending a bereavement group as well, mostly because I think its wise to not be crying about my situation to others. People start to avoid you because the bottom line, at least in my experience, is most of them are terrified of death. Its like if they hang around you, they’ll catch it! So spreading around the grief is a good idea. I would say I do my crying mostly alone and its then that I talk to my spouse and to God. Also what I did is go onto YouTube and downloaded onto my ipod all sorts of meditations, visualizations and good talks on various subjects, but especially on loss and death. When my thoughts go negative, I put on my headphones and I listen to whatever appeals to me…this drowns out my own stinking thinking. I try to remind myself every day to pay attention to life, not death because God knows how long I have on this earth and I need to be grateful for my life too. I need to be a light for my daughter, she is dealing with the loss of the only father she has ever known and for her this is a second loss, since we adopted her at the age of 2 from an orphanage in eastern europe where she was from birth until we met her. So, I have to live for her, for me and for the first time in 40 years since I’d been with my husband I have to work. So there is a lot I have to live for…and although death has touched my life and it seems so awful and painful…there has to be another side to this experience that is not awful because everything in this world has its opposite. There are lessons to be learned if nothing else from death…and I am not ashamed to say that even as I read the eulogy I wrote for Bill at his burial, I felt a small twinge of gratitude…I thanked God I was alive. It was a beautiful, sunny warm day and it felt good to feel it on my face after another long cold Canadian winter. Another really helpful thing I am doing is to force my mind to stay present in this moment, read or look up Ekhart Tolle, who has made this concept famous. Living in the moment, that is to be focused only on this moment, not yesterday and not tomorrow, is the single biggest way I get through all of this…its just one day at a time for me. So when I step outside at 6:00 am as I did today, to drive my daughter to work, the first thing I notice, in the moment, is all the birds are singing. When I get out of the car, at night, and look up at the moon and the starts I remind myself that I am standing on a planet that is spinning in outer space, just one of trillions of galaxies. I marvel at the mysteries of life and convene with nature whenever I can…that is where I find my peace…just one moment at a time. If tears come up, then so be it, I cry not only for the man I loved and lost, but also out of sheer joy at being alive and being able to experience all of God’s creation. Love and hugs to you all…remember, you are not alone.

  • sonia

    June 20th, 2016 at 11:23 AM

    I feel your pain – I lost my husband of 40 years to cancer on Valentines Day he was the love of my life .I don’t know if i can go on .i am devastated.We have no children so i am all alone

    Reply

  • Silvia b.

    June 24th, 2016 at 4:08 AM

    Lost my husband 11-13-2016 I don’t have any family very hard for me to accept only me now , want to go home with him not staying here with this pain , l even considered suicide talk to him every NIGTH ….. Still here day by day I am in pain don’t no what the future holds for me and really don’t care

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 24th, 2016 at 1:53 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Silvia. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. If you are in crisis and feel you may be in danger of harming yourself, please call 911, visit your local emergency room, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY).

    You can also visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline here:
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

    If you would like to talk to someone about your loss, please know you can use our site to locate a therapist or counselor in your area. Grief can be extremely difficult to work through, and a qualified mental health professional may be able to offer you support in this time.

    Simply enter your ZIP code here to find help in your area:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Stillsuffering

    July 2nd, 2016 at 12:03 PM

    I lost my husband, unexpectedy, 10 years ago, we were both in our thirties and I was left with two young children. 10 years later I still carry so much anger that he did’t survive. I mask everything well and raise my children with a smile on my face but I am so angry our children lost their father and I my best friend that I haven’t moved on emotionally. I tried groups but feel each time I hear a story it just brings me backward. I am tired of feeling so hurt, angry and in a room full of loved ones I feel alone because no one truly understands. Curious if anyone else silently lives with these buried emotions and any advice they have on day to day basis.

  • Tessie

    July 10th, 2016 at 8:52 PM

    Sonia, I too lost my husband of 40 years on 7-16-2015. I just eat and go back to bed hoping I won’t wake up. I am 68 years old and just want to be with him. I woke up a couple hours ago to him calling out my name. It sounded like he was sitting right next to me. I am still raising my Granddaughter who just turned 15. Now she says I am getting worse by hearing Papa’s voice. I didn’t imagine it. I was asleep and it was loud enough to wake me up. So, am I now going crazy?

  • Mo H

    September 26th, 2016 at 5:05 AM

    I would like to have a chat with you, I am in a similar position.

  • Barbara

    October 11th, 2016 at 2:49 PM

    I know your pain. I lost my husband of 44 years a year ago this past June. We live in Mexico, we,had no children, I,am trying to,sell my house so I,can return to,my family particularly my 92 year old mother, but it seems hopeless. I don’t cry as much now, but somedays a song or a smell or a word will start me off. Today is his 71st birthday, I have been trying to,stay busy, but some days are harder than others. I just want to,go,home and start over. I,believe,in Gods plan of Happiness, and His will, but when does this end, how do,I move on with no hope in sight? I need people to talk to, but it is difficult here to find those people. So,I try to stay busy and go for drives and do,my grocery shopping and attend church. It,helps, but it is not the answer. I will pray for,you . Be well. Take care.

  • vicki l.

    November 27th, 2016 at 10:38 AM

    Lost my husband to atypical Parkinson’s July 2015. Thought I was doing reasonably well but the holidays make it seem like yesterday. I am 70 and we were together 39 years. Where do I go from here. I don’t have family near and they have their own lives. There has to be a way to find community and I think that’s what I miss a lot. Most of my friends , even widows seem to have adapted better than I have. Just can’t seem to get by the loneliness.

  • Lucy

    April 23rd, 2017 at 7:00 AM

    Its funny friends came to see myself and my daughter yesterday and the wife told me something my husband had related to her. He told her how he was on the golf course In Myrtle Beach when he got the phone call from me about how I wanted to adopt a child. Apparently, I said to him that if he died I didn’t want to be alone and he agreed. I didn’t remember that I did that but its funny because I don’t usually follow through on many of my intuitive insights. There are two occassions in my life where I did…the first was when I was dating my husband and kept thinking he isn’t my type and thought I should break up with him but something inside of me felt as if I’d be cutting off my right arm. I was very committment averse all my life, but this time I gave in and allowed myself to continue dating him…the rest is history. The second time, was when I got this strong intuitive inspiration to adopt, to bring a child into my life and I never wanted to be a mother before that. There was no reason I couldn’t bear a child but I had no real desire to do so. I shared this in a parenting adopting group that I always knew I would adopt a girl one day and I was happy with that decision. Another adoptive mother told me she too had always known she would adopt a girl and she did. The two most significant relationships in my life were a calling which I thankfully answered. Who knows where my life would have gone had I not answered those calls to being a wife and mother. I’ve grown a lot and life hasn’t been lonely in the physical sense but I have always felt this loneliness inside of me, even as a young child. No one can experience me or know me either in mind or body…so yes I am alone, every moment of the day. If it were not for this deep and profound sense of a presence within me that I choose to call God, I would have been a brooding and despairing woman…but I’m not. I once attended an event promoting the adoption of older children and I was surprised because it was within the Jewish community in Toronto. My husband was Jewish but I am not. I never realized that there are Jewish children who don’t have homes. In this presentation they asked for couples who would be willing to adopt an older child, many were teen agers. But then they said something else which really struck me, they said if you can’t adopt could you invite a young person who has no family to your home for the traditional Friday night Sabbath dinner…are you able to set one more place at your table, it would mean the world to them. They told us that there were young people in university who don’t go home during the holidays like all the other students because they have no home to go to. One social worker had a young woman who would call her during the christmas/channukah season because she had no one else to call. Honestly, if I were still living in my home and my life at that time hadn’t been financially stable, I would have welcomed some young person into our lives…it pained me to think that there were young people out there sitting alone, having no family or no one who would share their table with even for an evening meal. No one has to be lonely…there are billions of people in this world, surely there must be one who we can bring into our lives. Loneliness is a choice not a dis-ease one has to suffer with for the rest of their lives. I know its hard but consider this…God speaks through other people…how can we hear what is being conveyed to us if we don’t reach out and talk to others. If it doesn’t work out, then we will know pretty quickly and just keep on trying until you find someone you click with. There are a lots of young people who need a relationship with someone older, but if they are orphaned its unlikely they have the confidence to reach out and approach us…they can’t bear the rejection, its too painful. But you and I, we have known love and for many of us many, long years of love with our husbands…now we can take that love and enrich someone else’s life.

  • Noelene

    November 28th, 2018 at 2:35 AM

    I too lost the love of my life on Valentine’s Day 2018, i still yearn for his touch and smell, i seem ok in the daytime but come nightfall i yearn for him and the pain in my heart is unbearable. We were married for 26 years. He was 85 and i am 79. I cry nearly every night and sometimes i feel like I could scream, ( i do on the inside), when does the heartbreak end.

  • Cathyf

    August 11th, 2019 at 4:50 PM

    Sonia,
    I lost my husband of 33 years. I am in my third month of this process and it is horrific I do not want to live in a world without him. I am in big trouble no children no pets no friends no interests no hobbies. The only time I am not sick and crying is when I am pretending that he is still here. If anyone has made it through past a year or two and can let us know how you were doing that would be helpful.

  • claraetta O

    February 25th, 2015 at 9:47 PM

    I have lost my husband of 48 years. I cant find enough to do to keep myself from feeling blue and crying. week ends are the hardest. And therapists dont help. All they do is take my money and say, “I am sorry”

    Reply

  • mary

    August 28th, 2016 at 7:42 PM

    I lost my husband June 1, 2016. We were married 44 years and knew each other 46 years. He didn’t die from cancer, but the cancer caused other physical problems that took his life. I mourn for him day and night. I have a huge emptiness in my heart. My son’s are grown adults and see one son in the morning for 5-15 minutes a day and the other son maybe once a week for 10 min and also have a stepson that visits me along with his baby a couple of times a week All three of them live right next door so not too far to travel. We are a generation apart and I think that accounts for the lack of time together because they have their own lives and they are inconsiderate of what I am going through. It it bad in the beginning because they saw their dad everyday so I guess I feel kinda cheated. His family lives in another state and have not heard from them since the funeral. I have no energy because I eat junk all the time. I had great aspirations to exercise and eat properly and to leave the house, which I do grocery shopping. I can’t to do anymore than that. I still maintain my home as best as I can. I think I’m done with all the insurance and dealing with the VA, SS and everything else that goes with it. That was a very confusing time. I have a medium that helps me get through this. She’s great when she brings my husband through. I have talked to him on a few occasions because we both love and miss each other beyond anything. He has guided me though some difficult situation especially emotionally and financial. Everything he said came true. And that makes my life a little more easier. He’s with me everyday and night and sends red rose petals raining down on me. I can’t see or feel them, so the medium interprets and he hugs be from behind. One time I was crying so hard and couldn’t stop and I felt his arms go around me and actually squeeze me. If you really want to know what is going on with your spouse, by a paperback book called WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE DIE?? Author Echo Bodine very famous. She communicates with our souls and helps straighten things out in the state of mind we are in after losing our loved ones. She makes a lot of sense especially knowing what happens to our loved one once they pass. It’s an eye openner. This book is a must, it will help you to understand and bring peace and healing to yourselves. Got nothing to lose, but to gain knowledge. Good Luck. ….it gives you a good understanding of your love ones new life.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    November 6th, 2016 at 6:30 PM

    So sorry for your loss. I just found this blog and my heart goes out to all of you forced to live on in this earthly existence without your beloved husbands, wives and others. I recently lost my husband, soulmate and best friend on 08/18/16 unexpectedly from sepsis at only age 58. I can relate to what you express about your loss. I can barely digest the fact he is gone and time is only going to make it harder as I miss him more and more. I also lost my mother who was living with us in our home, just 9 weeks to the day after my husband… Before this we and all the caregivers had a big family and we live in a big house. Now this is my second night totally alone, except for pets, since my sister returned home. Mike and I were dedicated to shepherding my mom through her journey with Alzheimers and believed we would be together on the otherside of her passing…. But no, now I am here with a home full of memories of our 31 years together and my mom was here with us for 6 years. I feel devastated and lost. All my previous ideas of what I was wanting to work toward are nothing. All I want is Mike here with me and us to be planning and enjoying all the daily things like shopping, walks, day trips, visits, holidays, etc. together. The silence… emptiness… so excruciating. I hate time apart only grows longer and longer. I’m ready for this to be done…I’ve been a good sport… now he can come home again… it is all very cruel to be cut asunder from him and the fabric of our lives ripped. I have felt some very special moments of connection with him…since his passing, but I get needy for more…it is my only hope, to feel his presence or be surprised by his help in a moment. Just, I want more and I want him back…tho I deeply respect that he has made this transition, and not one he wanted to make…so I hope to be less demanding. Still he was my constant companion and sounding board, my hero, my anchor, and my world. So hard to digest that he is gone…NO, it cannot be… so hard. No way to know how to get through this…I have our horse, our home and our pets… family and friends…but all I want is Mike… heartbroken…yet hope to learn to believe as I know he only wants to benefit me from the otherside. I am on my knees. Love to every one of you…may you find support to feel all of your feelings and to be kind to yourselves. Love, Kathy

  • Paula C.

    August 1st, 2017 at 1:44 PM

    I think the weekends are hard to,hate Sundays that was our Day! But I am handling it!

    Reply

  • Paula C.

    August 7th, 2017 at 3:18 PM

    I want to know how do you look forward to anything anymore,I lost my love of my life Feb 24 this year,we were married 48 years,together since I was 17. I try everday but it is hard.

    Reply

  • Paula C.

    August 7th, 2017 at 3:20 PM

    It seems like I miss him more and more everday,48 years is a long time,how do you start over?

    Reply

  • Patricia

    August 7th, 2017 at 6:32 PM

    Dear Paula , I just lost my husband of 55 years of marriage on 2/18/2017 ! To answer your question about how will we ever get over our loss and start anew????? I don’t think I can and I have stop lying to myself because this is something that I know I’ll never will get through or over with!!….. I just try to cope from day to day there is no magic formula to help us with our great loss! It is what it is ! After 6 months of grieving I have finally accepted my Steve is gone and I’ll never see him again! I have no future, only the present and some days are kinder than others! I hope all of you are doing better than I am! Love Patricia

  • Can't Do This

    April 18th, 2015 at 12:05 AM

    Dear Left Behind: I could write what you have written word for word as I am having the same feelings. My husband has been gone 1 week tomorrow! The funeral was yesterday. He died from lung cancer. He did not die peacefully. In fact it was the opposite. He struggled as I held him right to the end. I just want to be with him. I don’t want to live without him. No, I am not suicidal. I am not going to make it happen but I just wish it would, to stop the pain which I cant bear and so that we can be together again. I can’t stop crying. My husband is on my mind constantly. I talk to him, ask him to talk back to me, come and see me, take me. We were married for 22 years and we were soul mates. The children and grandchildren have busy lives like yours. I am not alone, I have two young foster children. I try to be strong for them and try not to cry in front of them. They are dealing with their grief also, They are only 7 & 9 yrs old. I wonder whether I will be able to care for them or (God forgive me) even if I want to. I don’t have any plans for the future as I cant see any future. I am just going through the motions. I am able to get out of bed (unfortunately) and I can do my housework and all the mundane things. Went to the local shop thismorning and just lost it and broke down crying. Everyone stared. I am 63, my husband is 55. Too young to die. Our children are adults. There is no reason for me to be here.

    Reply

  • Doren

    December 8th, 2015 at 8:55 PM

    Hi Can’t Do This, i’m just wondering how are you doing now? I lost my husband 2 months ago. He was also 55. Everyday is a struggle for me since he passed away. I miss him a lot. I love him so much.

    Reply

  • Erin

    January 3rd, 2017 at 4:14 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my beloved husband 87 days ago just before his 55 th birthday. He died suddenly while we were watching TV I tried to revive him but could not neith could medics. I have known my hubby since kindergarten and we reconnected later in life . We were together almost four years married this past July and he died in Oct. I’m truly heartbroken as we were indeed one. We were each other’s world. I miss him every second and just want him back. I never even got to say goodbye. The pain of it is incredible and no people that have not experienced the loss of a spouse may THINK they understand it but they do not. Not one little bit as they get to go home and feel the comfort of their well alive partner. I don’t know at 55 how we are to endure this unhealable pain for possible years to come

  • Anni

    October 2nd, 2019 at 11:26 AM

    I lost my husband from melanoma cancer 4 weeks ago he was 54 years old.
    We were 1, my best friend my soul mate. I also can not stop crying. So lost without him. My heart is in so much pain 😥

  • Janet H

    June 27th, 2016 at 9:36 AM

    My husband, Raymond, passed away 5 days before Christmas last December. He had many health issues when a stroke finally did him in. We were together then married for 23 years. I went thru the grieving process and at the same time took care of practical matters. I went thru my first Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day, Mother and Father’s day, and finally our 18th wedding anniversary without him. I missed him terribly but thought I was holding it together pretty well. Yesterday as I was cleaning out a drawer, I found a 15 page love letter that my husband wrote to me back in 1993 when we were first together. I haven’t read it in years. I knew I wasn’t ready for this but I read it anyway. I am so totally devastated and the grief I had felt back in the beginning pales in comparison to how I feel now. The love that I feel for him is so deep now and I did not want to face how lonely I was without him. I have been crying on and off since reading this letter. I went and wrote a love letter back to him re-telling our history and confirming my love to him. I have his ashes still and when I am ready to strew some of it, as per his wishes, I will burn my love letter to him and scatter this with his ashes. Writing the letter made me feel closer to him and a little better. I pray with all my being that he will wait for me until my time comes so we can be together for always. Thank you all for listening to me.

    Reply

  • Nadira

    July 9th, 2016 at 6:57 AM

    So sad

  • Trying but Failing

    August 15th, 2016 at 4:55 AM

    My husband of 30 years slipped away from me February 22, 2016. Lung cancer claimed him after a two-year battle, and it was an ugly, painful, and difficult battle. I pray he knew I was holding his hand and singing to him in the end. The doctors were cruel and impatient, and the hospital staff was rude in their rush to have me make arrangements for his body so they could clear his room. I was left emotionally and physically drained after two years of caring for him while attending grad school. I was also left homeless and penniless by his passing. The word “widow” has become such a hateful word to me, as I try, and fail, to deal with grief, PTSD from experiencing his cruel decline and death, and losing everything we had together. At the mercy of well-meaning but clueless friends and their couches and spare rooms, grief is rarely a luxury I am allowed – I have even been chastised for not fully appreciating what I had. For all of you suffering the loss of your husband, I understand the depth of your grief, and wish I had the right words to comfort you, as well as myself. For anyone who is trying to help someone else grieve, please, PLEASE, understand we are doing the best we can in a world we no longer understand, or much care for. I am a Therapist, surrounded by Therapists, but this is a deeply personal journey. The only one who can really help me is myself, and some days i’m not sure if I really want to. I was unprepared for the length and depth of my grief, and am just grateful.our children were grown, so did not have to witness or experience the worst of my misery. As our anniversary approaches next week, I feel the sadness and anxiety threaten to overwhelm me again. How are we supposed to bear this and remain human?

    Reply

  • Sheryl

    December 11th, 2016 at 3:50 PM

    I also lost my husband and partner after 30 years in March 2016. Cancer is a dreadful painful disease. David was very nasty as his pain increased. Frustration of not being the leader. My only way of carrying on is I will survive because that is what he would have wanted. Chin up.

  • julie T.

    October 9th, 2016 at 1:09 AM

    i have just lossed my husband 8/9 /16 i am missing him so so much
    He had heart attack i dont know how i am going to live with out him

    Reply

  • julie T.

    October 9th, 2016 at 1:16 AM

    sorry my name is julie I realy dont know how to get over the pain i feel

  • Annie

    October 9th, 2016 at 1:35 PM

    Hi Julie. I understand how you feel. I lost my husband April 25th from the flu. It is so raw still for both of us. Reality has set in for me but I still cry everyday and miss him terribly. God is what keeps me together and gives me a little light in this lonely journey. You’re not alone and I’ll be praying for you. I know the devastation but unfortunately it’s a sorority we never wanted to join. Know you have people on this site who share your grief with you do care.

  • Hazel

    October 23rd, 2016 at 1:51 AM

    I lost my wonderful husband on January the 13th 2016. We lived for each other, we were soul mates. We were married for 46 years. I miss him so much that it actually hurts, I feel so lost and lonely. My family who live close by tell me that I have to get out and meet new people but I really don’t want to. I went to a group therapy session for widows and widowers and I saw people in my same predicament and heard them say exactly what I am thinking. It did not help and I felt that some of the people were feeding off each others misery. I talk to my husband every day. I held him in my arms as he passed away and he told me to live my life but to be honest I do not want to live without him. I feel that every day I just go through the motions, I hate eating alone, I eat just because I have to. I woke in the middle of the night a few weeks ago and smelt his aftershave all around the room, that gave me comfort and made me feel he was near. Don and I were one, I miss him so much, his big bear hugs and how we told each other every day how much we loved each other. I would say “to the Moon and back”..Don would say “to infinity and beyond” . It has been over 9 months now since Don passed away ( I cannot say DIED out loud) and my pain in getting worse, you do not get better, you get better at HIDING it! I have a face for my family and a face for home, I have a constant lump in my throat and could burst into tears so easily all the time but I am actually scared that if I do i will never stop. I have a little dog that I adore, Don adored her too. She is a great comfort to me. I want this pain and sadness to stop, life without Don is just too hard.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    October 23rd, 2016 at 12:58 PM

    ..Hi Hazel….So so sorry for your loss, you can be yourself here, we all understand….We’re all on the same journey….9 months is a very early stage to be at…19 months for me…I would love to say it’s gets better but it doesn’t…but what happens is, ever so slowly, you will get better at handling it or hiding it, whichever way you want to look at it…Yes, I talk to my husband as if he was still here, and some days, I truly feel he is here with me…He is such a miss, he was a great husband and father…I’m so glad I met him……Good luck to you…x

  • pat

    October 23rd, 2016 at 1:43 PM

    Hazel with you all the way. I too find it difficult to say the word ‘died’. Also hate doing all these things alone but it’s not company I need it’s just David. A friend has just been on the phone. I popped in after a doctor’s appointment for a coffee and a lift home. He was saying I seemed much better and more like myself so I must deserve an Oscar. I had just been at the doctors and cried through the whole 15 minutes. We would make good actors that’s for sure. Reckon that’s one of the reasons I am so anxious to get home so I can be myself – a sad. depressed and broken woman. I told my GP my brain has changed and I am no longer who I was and he said it’s because I’m not the same person anymore. Apparently my daughter has said to a friend she lost her dad and now fears she is losing her mum (the reason why she hadn’t visited for 2 months). I can’t do anything about that although it may sound selfish. Half of me died that day and now I am an empty shell,David is constantly on my mind and I don’t ever see that diminishing. Not of the opinion that time is a healer. Seems to get harder by the day as longer since we spoke. Like you we told each other we loved each other all the time. When he dropped me off at work we always kissed much to the amusement of colleagues. This existence is too hard without him We are lost souls clinging to each other through this site which I do find helpful. Thanks to all.

  • Annie

    October 23rd, 2016 at 5:27 PM

    Hi Hazel. Believe me I know just how you feel. It will be 6 months on the 25th of this month and your right it seems to get harder. The loss is so unbelievable you can’t really put it into words. Sundays are always the worst for me but everyday is such a struggle. I have strong faith so i believe we will be together again. In the meantime I just try to get through each day and cherish the wonderful memories. I’ll pray for you and wish you comfort.

  • Debbie

    October 24th, 2016 at 5:11 AM

    Hi Hazel, my husband died a month ago and I feel the same as you do and I know I will feel the same in a year, we were like two pees in a pod, life can be so cruel , I keep wondering why. Hugs to you my dear

  • James

    February 22nd, 2017 at 3:04 AM

    It is an impossible situation, unless you can move out of the square. There is romance, life and love out there. Go for it, if you fall on your face, it’s only the gutter your looking at.

  • Jemina

    March 12th, 2017 at 9:46 PM

    I’m sad that so many are hurting but it’s also comforting to know that I am not alone. Lost my husband of 42 years 2 years and 4 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. I have come a long way with the help of spousal loss groups, church family, other widowed friends but sometimes I am right back to square one and it feels like my heart is torn apart. It helps to have people to talk to and share and to pray about it.

  • Noelene T.

    January 25th, 2019 at 12:21 AM

    I know exactly how you feel. It’s coming up to a year on Valentines Day since I lost my husband of 26 years. I have returned to a “normal” life of going out with friends, but the terrible gaping hole in my heart is not healing. He was my soulmate, my lover, my friend. We had such a close and loving marriage that I cant see how to get over his loss. He was 85 when he passed away and I am 80 this year. The terrible longing for him does not go away. How do we recover from something like this. Or do we ever recover

  • sadhika

    June 27th, 2017 at 4:03 AM

    Dear all, reading your reply and your words are very touchy like mine. I am just 46 years and my husband passed way in April 2017. I have feeling very bad, and I could not see the reason to live this world without my husband and his love. He was everything in my life. I have no children however, he was like my kids, like my mom, like my elder and younger brother and like my sisters. More-then, he was my power and my happiness. Now I feel my world is completely empty. I recalled my 19 years togetherness with him how he encourage me to work, and his love… It is very hard to spent my every second without his phone call, viber, skypee. I miss him so much. Some time I have thought I should die… I can not control my self. I lost the track of my life and no concentration in my work. No interest to cook, and food. No sleep. Almost all night I remember him and I am so disparate to listen his voice and just checking my mobile to see his message or call… It is very hard for me. How do I spend my entire life without his love. My dear Baba, please take me with you. I am missing you so much. I am crying and try to reach out you and want to listen your single word ” how are you dear?” Baba where are you? ……. Baba, I am feeling very alone you know every one is busy for their daily life…….. without your presence, home is not like home. I love you so much.. if you could see me, plz baba take me with you.

    Reply

  • Ava

    May 6th, 2015 at 2:51 PM

    I lost my Husband Richard of 26 years on April 16 2015. He was my first true love and best friend. I feel like i am so lonely even though I have family and friends everywhere. I miss our conversations and our laughter. I cry daily and I sometimes don’t want to be here without him. But I know God wants to use me for good and my children all need a relationship with God. I Love him and pray I will get through this hard time in my life, I pray for all of you Love AVA

    Reply

  • Hazel

    August 17th, 2016 at 7:13 AM

    Hi Ava, I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband of 46 years in January this year and I feel so lost. We lived for each other, we were total soulmates. The children are grown and I have 2 adorable grandkids but they have busy lives. I miss my husband so much it actually hurts, I talk to him everyday and there are days I wonder if it worth staying around but I have an old rescue dog who really needs me and I am sure that she knows how sad I am. Will this pain and heartache ever stop?. Big hug for you Ava.

    Reply

  • Mary

    May 6th, 2015 at 6:59 PM

    I lost my husband on l2/13/14 to cancer. We had been married 43 years – together 45. He was my best friend. He loved and accepted me for who I am. I know I will never find that kind of love and acceptance again at my age (65). I miss him every day and cry for him. I have been going to a bereavement group that meets once a week. It has been so helpful to talk to others who are going through or have been through what I am feeling. Slowly, I am starting to find my way – to build a new life for myself. It’s hard to get motivated but you have to try. God must have a purpose for me. You have to “be still and wait on the Lord” to direct your steps and lead you where you should go. Please hang in there and don’t give up even when you want to. Walking helps. You have to get out and go. I joined a bowling leaque. We bowl once a week. THe group is made up of other widows. You have to find something you’re interested in and become active. It’s what your husband would want for you. Take care and know that you are not alone. There are many of us going through the same emotions and pain.

    Reply

  • Byl

    May 25th, 2015 at 4:40 AM

    I lost my husband of 13 years just last May 9 2015. I have been crying everyday. I know I have to take care of myself but sometimes, I feel that it is difficult to move on. I miss him so much. I have enrolled in an certification class and dance class just to have something new to do. Luckily, I have a very supportive family, trying their best to cheer me up. I don’t know what else to do to stop missing him.

    Reply

  • candice

    June 15th, 2015 at 7:51 PM

    My husband also died on may 9. He had undiagnosed pulmonary fibrosis which has a life span of 2-3 years but he had only 5 weeks. I have been reading OnGrief and Grieving by Elizabeth kubler Ross. Its been very helpful. I have also taken a part time job. I love him dearly and always will but I know he would want me to try to make my life happy. My church friends have helped, but there are many days I just lay around missing him so much. We did everything together, so going to get a cup of coffee is sad. I love and miss him and can’t wait to see him again!!

    Reply

  • Claire

    September 6th, 2015 at 9:52 AM

    I also lost my husband of 37 years to pulmonary fibrosis on 1 May 2015. What a vicious disease this is. He was admitted into hospital 8 weeks before he died and never came home. Nobody knows what caused it and he took everybody by surprise, including the nurses/doctors/consultants that were caring for him, when he died suddenly. I ache and long for him.

  • AloneOnEarth

    June 21st, 2016 at 12:51 AM

    I’m reading this book too. The perspective is mainly for the one who is facing his/her own death, I don’t really think it works the same for the one left behind. For me, I don’t feel guilty, I just feel so sad, that I really can’t accept the fact. I knew what has happened and I could never turn back clock, but I just can’t face the cruelty and be brave enough to cope with the reality. I know I am coward but I just can’t. It has been 4 months now and I don’t know if time will really work to drag me out from the endless darkness. I am planless and dreamless. All I can see is enormous sadness and emptyness

  • elaine w

    July 11th, 2015 at 5:26 PM

    I lost my husband to glioblastoma on May 9 2015..we were married 32 years..I have good and bad days..I have not been able to return to work..I will after Labor day..The hardest thing for me is he was a master musician and produced his own music.this was his soul.He only was sble to do this full time for 18 months until he fell sick.The hard thing for me is that I feel his dream was taken away piece by piece as his brain deteriorated..I gave most of his music away to people I thought would use it in his memory..but I have a hard time with this..everyone loved my Mark..I love him dearly,but for me for now,the music has stopped…I pray a lot..God will take care of u and me.Elaine

    Reply

  • Mary L.

    May 25th, 2015 at 8:16 PM

    The ache of missing him will ease w/time; but will never go away completely. The only thing to do is stay as busy as you can to distract yourself. My husband of 45 years was my best friend – my soul mate. He was a remarkable man – full of energy and enthusiasm for life that he carried with him in whatever he did. I gauess the Lord must have some purpose in mind for me since he left me here and took my husband. Stay strong and hang in there.

    Reply

  • Ann

    June 7th, 2015 at 9:36 AM

    He died 12/31/2014. I am devastated. Every morning I cry that I am still alive and did not die during the night. No I am not suicidal (I don’t think I am today but maybe tomorrow).
    The pain of being without him is unbearable. I get up and go through the motions of every day of life. Today I cannot do it.
    I can’t bathe, I can’t get dressed, I can’t sleep. It does not get easier. Everyone lies about that. Therapy once a month is not helping. Nothing is helping………….

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 8th, 2015 at 9:45 AM

    Thank you for your comment, Ann. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • C

    July 3rd, 2016 at 3:44 PM

    I lost my husband in 2006, was a car accident , I was recuperating from my accident as well, when he just left…
    I don’t know what to do, can’t let go…
    All I know is that my life stopped the day he died.
    We had so many plans , he was my everything , my best friend…
    Now what?
    Why he promised grow older together …
    Why so soon…
    He was 40 years old, I was 38.
    I was left with no family, he was my family.
    AM i going crazy.
    All I do is cry…and blame myself for it.
    Because he left that day to go get chinese food, I tried to get in the car, but I had a back fusion… I wish I can turn back time.

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    July 3rd, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    Dear C,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Gail

    July 2nd, 2015 at 11:25 AM

    Dear Ann, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in August 2013 after 47 years of marriage. I have also been to hell and back but believe me it does get a little easier as time goes by.

    I was like you in the beginning my Brian’s hospice doctor came to the house the day he passed and gave me some very good advice that I will share with you. She told me to get up every morning, shower and get out of the house as often as I could. She told me that in the beginning I would have to make myself do these things but in the end, she was right.

    I too still have days when this is still very hard for me to do but I do feel better when I follow her advice.

    You need to slow down and take baby steps in the beginning otherwise it can all become very overwhelming.

    I hope in some small way this may help you on your very difficult journey.

    Good luck and know that there are people who care about you and want to help you through this very difficult process.

    Reply

  • Patti

    August 28th, 2015 at 11:54 AM

    Ann I just came across this website and saw your post. It is exactly what I am feeling. It’s been 4 years since I lost my husband to brain cancer. The first two years I was a total mess. I to went to therapy every week. I basically was told what I was feeling was normal. Normal! I sure don’t feel normal. I couldn’t get out of bed had constant panic attacks cried constantly and didn’t even shower sometimes for a week. My daughter and grandson have been a huge help. My daughter finally came to me and pleaded to me to get better. She cried how bad she needed me and my grandson needs his grandma. We talked for qwite a while. It was better than any therapy session I’ve had. I gave her my word that I would try. I started doing small things at first. When I woke up I made the bed right away. I started walking with my daughter early in the morning. I’ve relaped back to my old ways a few times but my daughter would not allow it. I have no real friends except her. She has saved my life. Am I over him. No not at all. Probably never. But I don’t have so many horrible days anymore although some still come. Today is one of them. That’s why when I saw your post I cried. For you for me for my beautiful husband of 30 yrs. I hope my story of my journey leaves you with a sense of hope.

    Reply

  • Anne

    June 13th, 2016 at 10:15 AM

    I lost my husband of 20 years June 2015, he was riddled with cancer and I only got 7 weeks from diagnoses with him, he was my first and only love, I got him home for the last few weeks and by then tumers were going in his head, I awoke to him bringing fluid up from his chest not being able to breath, it wasn’t for long but how do you cope with seeing that! I still cry that I wake every morning and I’m not with him, it’s only my step daughter that has kept me here. The pain doesn’t get any better, I feel worse now than ever and can’t wait for the day I can be with him, if God loves me it’ll be soon.
    Anne

    Reply

  • jen

    June 9th, 2015 at 4:46 AM

    I lost my husband a couple of weeks ago. We just got married in Dec, we are young and I’m currently 5 months pregnant w/ our 1st child (a boy). At least for you people you had a chance to live for several years your married life, I guess we didn’t get that chance (we did not live together before marriage). Just a few minutes ago I was praying to God that this is all just a bad dream and that I would wake up soon and find that my husband is alive,well and healthy (he suddenly died a couple of weeks ago after getting hospitalized for an infection). While praying my phone rang,it was my mother in law telling me things like arranging my husband’s social security, about a tv she got from our home that she wanted to keep as my husband has told him it was his only company at home (I actually left our home a month before because he was going out w/ gay men,doing drugs,abusive and I got scared for myself and the baby). But before he got hospitalized we were already in good terms,was actually planning to have a talk that weekend and hopefully move back in w/him. Now I’m so devastated.It seems to be getting worse,the pain and sadness…

    Reply

  • Monica

    October 28th, 2015 at 3:07 PM

    I understand your bitterness about not having time with your husband like a lot of the other people here did. I had only one year with my love before he died, and we didn’t even have the chance to live together or be married yet. I will always cherish the time we had, but it will never be enough. It will be 10 years in March since he died, and I still cry for him every day. It’s unthinkable when you’re so young, you never expect this to happen to you. I was 20 years old when he died, but even if I live to be 100, I’ll miss him every day of my life. I’m so sorry for your devastating loss.

    Reply

  • Mini

    August 23rd, 2016 at 12:57 PM

    Dear jen,
    I am also facing the she problem . I got married in 20 Feb 2015 and my husband expired in 2 Oct 2015. He was in army . died in road accident. I was pregnant that time. My husband and I both convinced our parents for almost one year for this marriage and this is we got from destiny. Every time I ask from god why you did that to both of us. He may be crying somewhere for me and I am crying for him.what should we do?????

    Reply

  • Precious

    September 17th, 2016 at 2:52 PM

    Hi, I lost my husband on the 11 of Dec 2015, it feels like yesterday. I was 26 years at the time with a 2 year old and a 1 year old. He passed away in a car accident on his way from work. I fell asleep while waiting for him, I dreamt someone asking me what I would do if he would die, woke up in the middle of the night to go look for him. Deep inside I knew he was gone I felt it and was just dumb. It has now been 9 months and have less paperwork to keep me busy. I miss him and dream about him more often, like everyday. I am experiencing constant headaches and a heart pains. I am trying to keep strong for my kids.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    September 18th, 2016 at 4:56 AM

    …Precious…I’m so sorry for your loss…it’s so sad, you are so young and two babies to look after…..It’s people like you who keep me going in a sense….I keep thinking, Miles is gone, I miss him so much, but at least we had 48 years together ( married for 44yrs )….Then there’s young people like you who hardly had a chance…my heart breaks for you…Please be strong for your babies….it’s a long journey, for anyone that truly cares…..Bless you and your little ones…x

  • Valerie

    November 22nd, 2016 at 10:15 AM

    My husband passed away on 10/29/2016…3 days shy of our 1 year Anniversary…it happened suddenly and I was taking him to work, I am devastated, I feel lost and alone w/out him. He was a good, kind man with a very generous heart. He adored me and loved me deeply. It was my first marriage, he was 56, me 48. It was a once in a lifetime kind of love. I ask WHY everyday, Feel guilt, feel anger, feel sadness, feel all kinds of emotions. I didn’t imagine our life together ending so soon….We still had so much to do as a couple….he always said WE ARE STRONGER TOGETHER THAN APART…..now we apart and I feel weak and useless.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    June 9th, 2015 at 2:22 PM

    I recently lost my beloved best friend soulmate my everything my husband of 19 years im 39 so was he
    he died 3rd june 2015 he should have been 40 next week
    We had no babies i always thought we would i never gave up hope but now its all over

    Reply

  • ava

    July 4th, 2015 at 8:08 AM

    I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain you are feeling because I am to a widow. I was married 26 years I’m 42. I was married young. Just wanted you to know you are not by your self.Sending you a hug I pray God comfort us at this time in our lives. Love Ava

    Reply

  • Fran

    July 11th, 2015 at 12:08 PM

    On June 10, 2015 my husband hugged me, kissed me and said I love you..be back as soon as I get finished with the job..8 hours later I received a visit from county deputy and my son in law that my husband was killed in a industrial accident..my world and life was completely shattered..we were married for 30 yrs 1 1/2 mos when he left his earthly home..I’m in deep grief, mourning, loneliness and emptiness..my family has been so supportive daily yet the magnitude of his loss is sometimes more than I can bear..I try to continue with a love we both shared and that was raising horses and we even bought a new horse the week before he was killed of which she will produce a baby in 2016. Going to our “happy place” each day which happens to be our pasture and barn with our horses helps me make it thru the day..We kept chairs under a tree where we set, held hands and shared I love you so many times..now the chairs are in the same place but only one chair is filled and that’s me setting in it..I did hang wind chimes in the tree and planted a rose bush..The chimes are very comforting to me and two days ago a gorgeous rose was in full bloom..I know it’s going to be a long journey and I know he would not want me to give up on our dream..I pray each and every day..several times a day..I set in “our” chairs under the tree, listening to the soft chimes, feeling the light breeze and talk to him..cry..get angry for leaving me and then I tell him good bye..see you tomorrow and leave for my home where I am greeted by our “4 legged children” that are full of happiness to see me..It’s the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I pray there comes a day I can be totally happy..he always told me it made him feel so loved when he would see me smile..

    Reply

  • Becky

    August 5th, 2016 at 2:30 AM

    Dear Fran,
    I’m so very sorry. Your story is very similar to mine. My husband of 12 years died in a work accident as well 5 weeks ago. I’m so thankful that I got up early with him that morning, made him coffee and muffins, stood outside on the deck with him to watch the sunrise, hugged and kissed him and then we told each other I love you. I even texted him an I love you message just a couple hours before his accident. I am so very grateful for our last loving moments, but devastated too. He had just completed planting an orchard in our back yard where our two chairs sit. We would spend time admiring our hard work and dream of the future making wine with the fruits of our labor. Now it hurts to sit there alone but I promised him I will continue to care for the orchard, as it is his legacy. Keeping busy has been my saving grace. I miss his laughter and his arms around me. I just don’t know what I’d do without my kids and my family, I thank god for them everyday. I miss him so much.

    Reply

  • Erin

    July 11th, 2015 at 1:00 PM

    My husband of almost 9 years (together for 10) was murdered on April 4th. It has been 3 months and it only gets worse each day. When he died I was 7 months pregnant with our sixth child. I survived for some time just by being busy, but once our son was born, a tiny replica of him, it all became too much. I hate life. I hate waking up and living without him. It is more unbearable each day. He was the most important thing in the world to me. At first I thought I could force myself to survive the next 18 years, just to get all the children to adulthood and then I would end it so I could be with him. Now, as each day gets more horrid, I don’t think I can go on any longer. I don’t want to hurt my children, but I don’t want to live in a constant state of rage and pain anymore. I needed him and I still do. He was my happiness and now that happiness is gone. I cannot even enjoy my children anymore. I take care of them and act affectionately with them, but I am a hollow, empty shell. Our 9th wedding anniversary will be exactly 4 months since he was shot. I see no point to life. I really don’t want to keep waking up.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 11th, 2015 at 4:31 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Erin. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Gina

    August 2nd, 2015 at 12:10 AM

    I am truly sorry. I can relate to the not caring anymore. It’s hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel with the Boulder in the middle. I do understand that one. I wished I had some wonderful words of wisdom but I don’t. I just want to say you aren’t alone in your daily struggle to care. You aren’t wrong to feel the way you do. I realize you don’t know me but maybe we can walk through this tunnel together. I’m here if you need a friend.

    Reply

  • Christine

    August 6th, 2016 at 10:14 PM

    Erin, I know exactly how you feel but before you harm yourself know that suicide is something that those left behind will never get over. My daughter Teresa chose to take her own life 9 years ago at the age of 39. She was in an abusive marriage and had left but would always go back to him. She had only been back with him for 2 months when she chose this way out and the grief is still something that I can’t get over. To lose a loved one to suicide is like a living hell to those left behind. You blame yourself that maybe there was something that you could or should have done or picked up on. I also lost my husband of 49 years on 1-2-16 and feel that I don’t have anything left to live for and am just waiting to join them but I have 2 other adult children and would never chose suicide because I know how much pain it causes those left behind. I just lost my husband of 49 years on 1-2-16. Some of the best times that we spent was just taking a ride and stopping for a cup of coffee, sitting out on the porch and talking, or watching television together. My husband was in the hospital for an ulcer on the bottom of his foot that was infected. He was a diabetic and it wouldn’t heal. He was being treated at the wound care center of a VA Hospital about 60 miles away where he insisted on being treated instead of a local hospital. I am 69 years old and it was hard to travel back and forth every day so I would go down there every 2nd or third day and just call to see how he was doing. While there he fell and injured his arm which also got infected and he got MRSA in the infected arm, then pneumonia causing him to go into a coma. He had 3 different infections by this time which no doubt caused him to go into the coma. He was on a ventilator for about 3 months and came out of the coma but couldn’t move or walk due to having been bedridden for so long. They had also put a trach in his throat for the ventilator and had him on a feeding tube. He couldn’t talk because of the trach and couldn’t write what he wanted to say because his right side was weak and he couldn’t lift his arm to write. He would struggle to talk and get frustrated. After he was breathing on his own for 2 weeks they still left the trach in and said that he had to leave the hospital and go to a nursing home because insurance would no longer pay for hospital care. Because of the trach, they wouldn’t take him at a nursing home close to home and we had to have him go to one about 45 miles away. He was making progress and the therapy seemed to be helping as he was able to move his hand and arm on his right side and his foot a little. My daughter and I visited with him on New Years Day and they said that he had therapy and was doing well. The next day we got a call that he went into cardiac arrest and was being taken to the hospital. By the time that my son and I got down there he was gone. It was such a shock. I knew that he had been very ill but I never expected him to die after coming out of the coma and seeming to be making progress. He was 73. Today would have been our 50th wedding anniversery, and it was especially hard.
    I spent most of the day in bed crying and wishing that I could be with my husband and daughter Teresa. My daughter Julie talked me into getting out of the house with her and we took a ride to West Virginia which is a state over from Pennsylvania where we live. We stopped at a resturant and had dinner of which I could only choke down a few bites. I do appreciate that she cared enough to be with me.
    I believe in God and life after death and believe that I will see them again, but it still hurts that they are not here with me. I don’t feel like taking calls from friends because I still break down and cry and feel that they can’t understand how I feel since they have their husbands, children, grandchildren. My brother tells me that I am lucky that I had him for as long as I did and should be thankful. I tell him that he wouldn’t be saying that if one of his sons committed suicide and he lost his wife
    because you can’t understand how someone else feels unless it’s happened to you.
    May God give us the strength, courage and will to move on because I know that our loved ones would want this for us.

    Reply

  • Fran

    July 12th, 2015 at 8:06 AM

    Dear Erin: I do understand the depth of your pain and grief..PLEASE look around and see the six precious blessings you have and they need you…I truly know there are days when you feel like your feet are embedded in concrete and can’t move forward..YOU CAN..is it easy? absolutely not..it’s something you have to do and know that your husband would be so proud of you for doing what you do best and that’s be a mom to your children..DO NOT give up or give in..I know I’m in the early stages of my grief and sorrow and because I know how my husband loved and adored me to the depths of his soul and beyond is what keeps me going and my choice is to lean on my Christian beliefs and remember all the wonderful memories we shared together..Stay strong..you will come thru the black tunnel..look towards the light of happiness each time you look at your “babies”..

    Reply

  • neva

    July 14th, 2015 at 7:05 PM

    I lost my mark on july 7 we were married 31 years I fell so lost without him everything in this house is him I look in the yard for him cancer took him he was only 53 we had so many plans what do I do now I quit my job to take care of him best thing I every did spend the last 4 months with him I hear him call.my name wish he was here

    Reply

  • Dallas

    July 15th, 2015 at 11:15 PM

    I understand. About missing. Him. I do everyday.

    Reply

  • Dallas

    July 15th, 2015 at 11:10 PM

    I’m a widow at 52. I lost my husband, to stage 4 lung cancer. We were married 30 years & 33 all together.I have two kids one son & one daughter. And, one grandchild. It’s. going on 2 years. It’s. hurts so much. The first year u grieve for kids. The second year u grieve. For your Self. U have your good days and bad u ask why me. It can be lonely, painful,scared. U just miss them so much. But, u know u are not the only one going though losing a husband or wife. But, the pain is still there. Got figure out how to move forewarned. In due time.

    Reply

  • Dallas

    July 15th, 2015 at 11:29 PM

    Along, with my husband. I have lost so many family members. My sister,stepfather, mother in law, father in law. my dad. My mom had colon cancer. She will be 74, August 9th. And, my baby brother, has stage 4 throat cancer. At the age of 44.

    Reply

  • Mary L

    July 18th, 2015 at 11:17 PM

    Lost my husband of 58 yrs April 5th he had bone cancer; I feel so lost and sad, I cry the minute I awake and evenings seem to be worse. Have gone back to my dance classes and exercise a few sessions with Hospice (I cry there too) I feel I have lost part of myself.

    Reply

  • patty

    July 19th, 2015 at 2:02 PM

    I lost my husband, married 39 yrs,together 41,,suddenly and unexpectedly on 7/13/14 (Sunday night). He kissed me good night, told me he loved me and went down the hall to bed about 9:30pm. I went down the hall about 45 minutes later and he was in the floor by the bed. Was horrible as you can imagine. I’ve went through all of the holidays etc. Just had one year anniversary of his
    leaving me. I truly think that I thought that once that one year had passed that I would somehow start feeling better…..I don’t, you know you get to where you don’t cry every time you say his name but I know I’m depressed, I have no desire to live. I go through the motions.. Get up go to work, do what I have to. At the house I just sit, have no desire to clean the house… Our oldest daughter told me today that they are going to have to have an intervention because of the condition of the house.. I hope I start doing better soon.

    Reply

  • Fran

    July 20th, 2015 at 1:30 PM

    Patty..I feel your pain..I feel your emptiness..I feel everything you are experiencing..what I am making myself do is move around..clean your house..you know your love would not want you to neglect your normal routine..it’s extremely hard to do the most common things we use to do..sometimes I feel like my feet are stuck in concrete and then I have to remember that my loving husband would never, ever want me to be so depressed that I couldn’t function..he always told me I had so much strength and could handle anything that came up..well..little did he know how much strength I lost when he suddenly left me and for HIM I will continue on..yes I cry a lot..tears are a way to relieve some of the grief..yes I talk to him on a daily basis..it’s a horrible journey we are all traveling and I know one day I will see him again..in the meantime, I must move on..I am also going to grief counseling, talk to friends and acquaintenances that are experiencing the same thing..let yourself talk about every emotion you feel..it is good for the soul..please take care..Fran

    Reply

  • bazooka kamikaze

    July 25th, 2015 at 5:29 AM

    My husband died at work from a heart attack, on 13/07/2015,we were together for 19 years and almost married for 3 years, he was my heart, our kids my soul, we were inseparable we did everything together, now that he is gone I feel cold lost lonely and incomplete without him, I cry rivers of tears everyday, I just can’t handle that he is gone, I feel like life not worth living unless I have him by my side, I know I have to be strong for our beautiful babies, I can hug and kiss them tell them everything is going to be ok, but the person who always says that to me is no longer around, my husband was my soul mate,I go in everyday to the funeral home where he is and tell him how much I love and miss him, and how much our babies love and miss him,I play our wedding songs and our song, when I look at him I keep waiting for him to wake up and tell me to take him home,his funeral is this Friday 31/07/2015 and I know it’s goin to be the last time I see him in the flesh, before it all becomes a memory, when they close the lid on his casket my heart will shader for he was my one and only,I don’t think I can go on without him, our love is a rare kind, can anyone offer me any help :-)

    Reply

  • Gio

    July 27th, 2015 at 8:34 PM

    Hi, I was looking for some help online and I found you. My husband past away a month in a half ago from a heart attack,in my arms, I couldn’t bring him back to life, I did all I could but the end was the same. My one and only, the love of my life, was gone. Twelve years of inconditional love and memmories were dissipated in only a couple of minutes. Since then,I’m not me anymore, I feel just like you, I’ve been having conversations with people who suffered the same pain but to me nothing is comparable with the kind of love and relationship my baby and I had, same than you, we were always together, loving and showing each other in any type of way our love, I only wish to be death with him but everytime I look to my 6 years old son and heard him to say “Mamy everything is going to be OK, we have to be strong” my heart drops and is in that moment when I realize that if I’m still here, is only for him. I know it takes a lot from us to reassure our kids and tell them everything is going to be OK too, when the person who used to tell us that is not here anymore, is like accepting that from now on we are abligated to live for other people and without happiness whatsoever. Just wanted to tell you I feel the same way, you are not alone, there are more people like you, with a weird kind of love. I’m here for you, we are here for our little ones, praying for you and I!

    Reply

  • Helen

    June 20th, 2016 at 3:35 PM

    How are you doing now,dear, closer to a year since your loss? My husband died on Aug. 10, 2015. I am living, but the pain of not having him is strong. But we do not have choice. Kids need us, right?

    Reply

  • Fran

    July 28th, 2015 at 8:50 AM

    Gio..be blessed that you have a child that loves you unconditionally and lifts you up when needed..Family and close friends is what keeps me going along with my Christian faith..I did a task yesterday that literally put me on my knees in a complete meltdown of crying..my husband was a very well dressed cowboy..jeans and shirts were impeccably starched..hat had to set on his head a certain way and in the laundry room was a stack of his worn clothes he had to be taken to the laundry..I have let them set there for 7 weeks now thinking I will take them to the laundry then I ask myself why? that’s when the true acceptance hit me he would never return to me..I sobbed as I packed them away while my two canine buddies were consoling me and moved them into a room we never use..after I closed the door a strength came over me and I knew I had finally accepted his death..now I just move to the next level of grief and eventually to a place where it will get softer..He will never leave my heart or my mind yet he would want me to move forward..he always told me “get back on track and focus, you can do this” well..I’m looking for that track to get back on and focus..focus on the amazing man that I called my husband, lover, best friend, confidant..in time this will happen..just believe..Fran

    Reply

  • Gina

    August 1st, 2015 at 11:56 PM

    I can’t even describe the relationship I had with my husband. In the beginning it was great but throughout it was complicated with his addiction to drugs & alcohol which ended in a divorce. Throughout the 14 years we’ve been divorced, we became best friends, he became sober and we promised each other that when the kids were older and would understand, we’d get back together and finish our lives in the way we initial thought we would. Then I received the worst news 1143 days ago. He was found unresponsive and brain dead. Utter shock and disbelief is where I remain today. Our youngest has now graduated and this is the time we should have been together again. It’s all I’ve planned on for 14 years I was waiting. I don’t know how I let go to that dream. To the memories. To my love. Everyday is a struggle and every night is pure h*** inside my mind.

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  • Jenny C.

    August 9th, 2015 at 3:30 AM

    I lost my husband February last year unexpectedly he went to the shop and suffered a massive heart attack I keep thinking he is going to walk through the door and say hi honey I’m home just like he used to when he went
    somewhere he was my world and even though I have my beautiful children that I love dearly I miss my Fred so much I feel so alone and lost I just want him back

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  • maureen

    August 10th, 2015 at 11:56 AM

    I lost my husband the 24th day of march 2015.that was unexpected, and I know he felt the same way.he was so active, both sports and healthy activities.but that midnight is a nightmare. God took him for seconds, he suffered for chest pain the whole day of 23 but the pain was tolerable so he worked the whole day. Nothings unusual that evening.12 mdnght he insisted to go to the hospital alone for a check up, he drove in our motor and reached d hspitl…I don’t know how to drive our 4wheels car, I asked sombdy to drive for me just to get there. My sister is a nurse and happened to be on duty assisting the doctor.I called my sis and told me that he was just OK they were chatting and telling my hubby that his bp increases so they will admit him. I was on my way then to the hospital, and reached the ER. I was looking for them. Noticed nurses in a hurry for a patient. It was my husband.I looked at them but they were all busy giving life to my hubby.I held his hands and told him I’m here.to pls fight. He saw me, held my hand too.but that was his last breath. We have our a nine year old son, I don’t know how to tell him that moment.but he’s more stronger than I am.he don’t want to talk about his father he don’t want to see me crying.I don’t know if that’s right. I want him to cry out loud , I know he loves his dad . I celebrated our 10th wedding anniv.last July 8, we were 13 years together .he’s just 47 and I’m 35.
    Its been 5mos of living alone. I don’t know how to start life . he’s more than a husbNd, my best friend, my partner in business. Now he’s gone, I have to learn all his teachings.I hate waking up and having breakfast alone.but I have to fight for life I still have my son he needs me most.thanks god my family is supportive they never left me because they are grieving too. We have to help each other to surpass this.I don’t know what god’s plan for us. But one thing I’m sure of.I’ll see him there…

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  • Doren

    December 10th, 2015 at 9:07 PM

    Hi Maureen. How are you doing now? Its quite the same with my husband, very unexpected. He had a massive hemorrhagic stroke. It happened at work with no indications at all. He passed away two months ago. All you’ve said is the same thing i’m feeling. I can’t describe the kind of pain, sadness and devastion i feel everyday.

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  • Bette

    August 23rd, 2015 at 9:15 PM

    I have read everyone’s heartbreaking story of loss — and of course I too lost my beloved husband, March 18, 2014. It’s been 17-months now! We were married 45-years and we have three wonderful adult children, two grandsons, and had just retired in 2011 to enjoy life together, or so we thought! Like all of you, our relationship was very unique and so, so very special – we were each other’s soulmates, lovers, best friends, partners, and we did EVERYTHING together! His passing came about after a long, hard fought two-year battle with oral cancer. And, although I would literally give anything to have him back, it would only be if he could have his good health restored! His was a slow, emaciating, form of the disease that caused him to lose his tongue, bottom lip, jawbone, and various muscles from other parts of his body. He endured three months of horrid radiation and chemotherapy, followed by three major surgeries, several tracheotomies and skin grafts! And of course he lost 60-lbs and became skeleton-like in appearance. The toughest part was his inability to speak or eat. He was placed on a feeding tube/liquids only, for the last 15-months of his life, and he had to write everything down in order to communicate with anyone! It was extremely frustrating for him and we were both very grateful for cell phones/texting, which enabled us to have wonderful, sweet verbal exchanges with one another — I hold those exchanges near and dear to my heart even now! Over these 17-months, like all of you, I found it almost unbearable to continue on with life – all my purpose and reasons for living were gone and so was the love! To make matters worse, we’d lived in our home for 23-years, so every where I turned reminded me of him! BUT, and this is a biggy, once the worst of my sorrow and tears subsided (I cried non-stop for several months) – I began having what I can only call “visitations” from him! Although I couldn’t see him, I could feel him — these very sweet, very loving feelings that seemed to come out of no where and fill me with this wonderful feeling of being loved! The first few times it occurred I didn’t realize what it was, but eventually I came to realize it was him!! I KNEW it was him – no one else ever made me feel that way! Since then, I have had this happen many, many, many times and at times even heard his voice in my head, speaking to me and making jokes, etc. What I began to realize was the sadness and sorrow that I felt and would allow myself to slip in and out of – seemed to drive him away! (When he was alive, he found it unbearable to see me cry!) But when my sorrow would subside and I was “open” and in a more neutral frame of heart and mind — I’d sense him with me!! Please know I don’t share this lightly with any of you, and know that I’m not a drinking woman or crazy druggy individual – I never drank or took any type of legal or illegal “medications” to get me through his death or to this point. But I’m sharing this with you because I don’t believe my experience is unique and that you shouldn’t give up on having a spiritual relationship with your husband. For me, I went searching because I was unable to accept that this beautiful spirit had just vanished into thin air!! But I went through all of the pain and feelings of loss and emptiness first. My thoughts and prayers go out to each of you – that, in life, you will feel your husbands spirit near and close and feel that love once again! Stay open girls!! — Although I still miss my husband terribly, feeling/sensing his presence has helped more than I could ever express!

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  • Isabel

    August 29th, 2015 at 8:37 AM

    Hi Bette!I’ve just read about your loss and it’s so strange,the date on top is ( the 23th ), that day, many,many years ago my late husband declared his love for me! He died 15 months ago ! We were married almost 49 years, and part of me died with him! I believe in everything you have written! I want to be closer to him, connected spiritualy to him,but still I’am crying almost every day! I don’t know how to continue,I don’t know what to do! I also sense that he is with me! But still I can’t live without him! Thank you for giving me the opportunity of having found you here ! All the best! Isabel

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  • Diane

    September 5th, 2015 at 9:44 AM

    Bette Thank you so much, your post has given me hope , thank you again x

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  • Gill

    September 27th, 2015 at 9:50 PM

    Dear Bette, I lost my lovely man on the 3rd July this year. He had been ill for over two years with bowel cancer. We hoped he was getting through it, he was always very positive, thought always of everybody else before himself, everybody that new him thought a lot of him. Anyway we had been married 42 years and together for 45. The loss sometimes is unbearable. I try to carry on but sometimes like now I wonder why. Yesterday I was sitting outside in the sunshine and I looked all around me we live in the countryside and I thought how can I survive on my own, I have got all this but without Roy it seems pointless. Then you shake yourself up try and keep busy think positive and try to get on with your day. I believe he has been to see me twice. The one time he was in the kitchen and I thought touch him and my hand would go straight through him! But it didn’t his hand was as solid as mine, I rubbed his back and then he slowly disappeared, it was lovely. Things happen in the house and I think there he is. When I am on my own I feel lonely, when I have visitors I want them to go home and if I go away overnight I just want to get home. It seems very strange, the doctor said it is because Roy was always here and I feel safe. I have two brilliant dogs, I do not know how I would cope without them. You say that You lost your hubby 17 months ago, I can’t seem to see that far. Sorry for the long reply. Will try and get a bit of a kip need to walk dogs and go to work. Gill D.

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  • Judy

    March 31st, 2017 at 4:26 PM

    Thank you Bette, for your beautiful post. I too have shared a spiritual connection. I am not a church-going person, though I do believe in God and have been struggling with Faith since my husband died. The pain has been unbearable. I do my best to get through every day and cry myself to sleep most nights. Now, it may have been a dream, but I truly do not believe it was. One night, I felt his lips kiss my cheek and he whispered into my ear “I am so proud of you. I will always love you.” My heart swelled and I awoke feeling more content and “damn near happy” than I had in months. I love coming here and knowing I am not alone

    Reply

  • Theresa

    August 24th, 2015 at 4:47 PM

    I lost my husband on July 8 2015 we had only been married a little over 1 &1/2 years It was a 2nd marriage for me and a 3 rd for him. He had just retired last year in June, and had some health problems that were all taken of. I thought we had 20 years together left . I’m having a hard time thinking that my life is so unsettled I thought things were were going to be Ok and happy for a while. I will be 64 in a little over a week and the thought of having to be on my own again is just tough . I don’t get the things done I need to do with my business I’m still just getting by with all the day to day stuff that has had to get done. I have not been able to get help until the middle of Sept. so I am just going day to day .

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  • BETTE

    August 29th, 2015 at 1:33 PM

    Dearest Isabel – thank you so much for reaching out to me!! Because these are such difficult, almost unbearable emotions, it is so meaningful to have someone, somewhere that understands how devastated life has become with out our loved one!! It’s such a challenge for me EVERYDAY to try to find purpose/meaning in my life – when you’re married for such a long time, as you know, you become a part of one another and going on afterwards feels empty and pointless. Because I’ve always been such an upbeat, positive person and always worked to resolve any problems, I found myself in totally uncharted emotional territory – experiencing things I’d NEVER experienced before and I believe this caused my husband to get very close to me. — He was such a loving, caring individual when he was alive and was so appreciative of all that we did for him during his illness, that I finally realized it was his warmth and love I was/am experiencing! I finally came to realize and believe that he wants me to move forward in life and so I try continually to do that!
    For me Isabel, initially the sense of his presence was what I experienced and because I don’t have a spiritual or religious background, I didn’t understand what was happening to me and what I was experiencing. So I began to find and read books that addressed the topic. This reading and searching over these many months has brought a great deal of understanding and insight to living/dying/spirituality and religion, etc. , and it has really enriched my life. And so I’m finding myself gaining a little strength every few days/weekly, to keep getting up/moving forward. Please know that you’ll be in my prayers and I’ll be thinking of you often. My love and best wishes to you Isabel….don’t give up!!!

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  • George

    September 2nd, 2015 at 7:35 PM

    I lost my wife of 25 years May 21st 2013.I loved that woman so. I thought i had grieved before her passing so a few months later I began a new relationship. Everything going great until this pass 2 year anniversary of her passing. since then I have found myself hiding to cry so no one sees. nothing big triggers it it just happens. been keeping it bottled up inside. Then a neighbor whom i love dearly reminded me of all the things i have had to deal with in the last 5 years lots of loss and pain. And suddenly I am out of control sobbing, not being able to make sense of all this emotion. I feel as if i am grieving all over again. has anyone else been thru a delayed thing like this.

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  • Keith

    October 8th, 2016 at 9:24 AM

    My Claire past away on July 26 2016 we had 17 years together. Iwas alright at first but now it so hard to do anything I am sad and crying all the time

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  • Annie

    October 8th, 2016 at 1:13 PM

    Hi Keith. I know exactly how you feel. Bill passed on April 25,2016. I think in the beginning you’re numb. As the days pass into weeks then months reality sets in. It will be six months on the 25th and I have been very lonely and tend to cry a lot more now. I will pray for you. I know how hard this journey is. Just know you will see her again. And try to focus that she is there with you and always will be. Keep the faith.

  • BETTE

    September 3rd, 2015 at 12:44 PM

    Hello George – I’m feeling so much empathy for you. Although I have not had a similar experience, I believe my husband may have reacted similarly, if I had passed away first. If you’ve experienced a tremendous amount of loss and pain – it wears on a persons soul and can cause so much unhappiness and sorrow that people find it intolerable and, I believe, with some of us that’s when our “survival instincts” kick-in! — A relationship with another human being at that particular time was just what was needed to minimize your further suffering and sorrow. — I’m sure the relationship has been a tremendous help to your psyche and enabled you to keep going and get stronger in spirit! Alas, I’m also aware that grieving is a process and everybody goes through it differently, but if you short-circuited the process – you’ve left it unresolved, to resurface eventually. I’d suggest that you let yourself walk through the grieving process as it unfolds going forward – nothing to be ashamed of or feel you need to hide – this was the “natural” progression of your grieving. I found that when I shared my grief with the people in my life, I understood it more, felt the love I was missing, and healed considerably faster. I wish you well and know that you’re communicating with a very loving, caring and understanding collection of persons in this group – so please don’t hesitate to stay in communication and share whatever you’d like. Blessings to you.

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  • judith

    September 3rd, 2015 at 6:10 PM

    I met my gorgeous husband at 15. It was electricity from the first moment we met. He never stopped telling me I was the best looking woman in the room (not true). Recently we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. Two weeks later, he was dead and he took my heart w him. It was sudden and a surprise. After reading all your stories, I realized that I was lucky to have him so long. This is my message to you. Most talked about your great love. We are the winners in the lottery of love. Most dont have that passion nor that love. Cherish that. Your loved one would not you to curl up and die but live. I lived a great life and in honor of my ” beautiful boy” will continue in his honor. Life is a gift don’t throw it away.

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  • Lorraine W.

    June 30th, 2018 at 4:16 PM

    What you said is so true. My Danny died August 27, 2017, from cirrhosis of the liver – a horrible disease. I am honestly amazed that I was able to be with him every moment possible of every day and deal with the nightmare he had to go through. He didn’t want to die, and we did our best to try to heal him – not possible – and being accepted for liver transplant came through three days after he died. But your point of how truly blessed we are to have been given the chance in life to have loved someone so dearly really hit home. My elderly neighbor said to me wistfully that he had been married twice and never had the relationship that Danny and I had – true love and friendship. Thank you for reminding me that I did – and in memory still do – know the joy of looking forward to seeing my honey every day like we were first dating, and we had just passed our 20th anniversary and 23 years together when he died.

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  • george

    September 11th, 2015 at 5:21 PM

    her name was Diane loved her so much

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  • BETTE

    September 12th, 2015 at 1:42 PM

    George I will keep you and your beloved Diane in my most positive thoughts and prayers! Please know that your Diane also knows and understands what you are experiencing! I know she loves you too, very much, and wants you to hold-on to and carry within you, the JOY that the two of you shared!! Don’t focus on her absence, but that wonderful love! Best of luck my friend.

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  • Jean

    September 13th, 2015 at 11:36 AM

    I miss my husband everyday since he died on 17th April this year after nearly 52 years of marriage. He was my soulmate and my best friend with a fantastic sense of humour. My life will never be the same. I also cry every night and wish he was still with me.
    I am trying to get dates put in to my diary to keep me busy, not easy.

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  • BETTE

    September 14th, 2015 at 11:19 AM

    Oh my Jean….I feel for you….52 years….it must feel like a large part of you has left the planet and gone away some where! I find myself in similar circumstances and experiencing the same emotions much of the time and I couldn’t agree more — life will NEVER be the same!! Like you, I’m also learning that life does go on – I must admit there have been many times when I didn’t want it to and didn’t care — it’s a very hard journey, going on without the person you’ve shared more than half your life with! You’re in my thoughts and I hope you continue to add things to your planner — as hard as it can be to move forward – – those things help.

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  • JEN

    September 16th, 2015 at 12:15 PM

    Was reading all of comments that others have shared about losing spouses. At first I was not going to share my inner thoughts and feelings. This has been the most challenging event in my life. After 42 yrs of marriage,I lost the other half of my heart. He passed away from stage 4 cancer. It had spread from throat to lungs and finally the spine. He was hospitalized many time’s to try to win this terrible illness. My love was sent home as a hospice pt.Because I have some training as a nurse I was able to help him through painful difficult times.It all started with him having horseness of voice. Took him to throat specialist, had several endoscopic done.Nothing was seen.I watched my friend,my helper,my inner strength, my teacher of life,and how to appreciate and love every minute that God has given us. Way,way back as young people say, he entered my life as a lifeline.He became the closest person in my life.He saved me from many years of being battered and the emotional consequences from this. He was father to 3 little children , ages 3,1/2,and child that I was pregnant.When he saw that I had been beatin badly, he took me to hospital.I was 7 monthe pregnant and had to have emergency c-section.Because of wonderful gift of caring, I had very small 3 pound baby boy.Throughout our 42yrs plus I was blessed to know this wonderful man.Now he is gone.He passed away March 9,1 day after my 69the birthday. I have so much on my plate now.We have legal custody of 2 grandsons that were 7 and 5 when they came to us.Now their teenagers and have been suffering from adhd.I also lost his income from social security. The few family that we have check on us sporadically, they have their lives to.So sorry for this long post,but I felt the need to share this with someone, anyone.

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  • Patricia B

    September 19th, 2015 at 12:22 PM

    I have just lost my husband off 27 yrs he was the best thing that ever happened to me he was everything I could off ever wanted he put up with a lot off crap from me through the years cause off my past but he loved me unconditional I have thought off sucide cause I can’t bear him not been here my life dave

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 19th, 2015 at 6:23 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Patricia. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Sally

    September 29th, 2015 at 5:32 PM

    My husband died 4 months ago and ifeel that when he died my life ended too. I am very fortunate to have 2 wonderful sons who are there to support me. But they have their own lives and i dont want to bcome a burden. I miss him so much – he had just retired so that we could spend time together. I’m sad about the holidays we planned that will never happen but that is unimportant. I miss he daily stuff – putting the bins out, feeding the cat, what do you fancy for dinner tonight love? I really dont know how to go on. I thought we would grow old together but now i must face growing old alone. I often wake up and think “whats the point?”

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  • Marian

    October 3rd, 2015 at 2:49 PM

    My husband suddenly died in June the day after our 45 anniversary. I feel the same way. My life has no purpose. I cry alot when I am alone. I feel like I am alone and will never be the same. The pain of loss is awful. My cats console me. I wish there were other widows I could communicate with who feel my pain. Sally expressed my feelings. It is good to know there are others going through what I am.

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  • Kathy

    October 9th, 2015 at 5:31 PM

    Hang in there Marian. I too lost my husband. We almost made it 40 years. I’m lost without him. I was 19 when we married. This new life takes getting used to. The pain doesn’t go away but you learn how to deal with it better each day. Get back to me if you would like to correspond.

  • Paula C

    September 30th, 2017 at 9:19 AM

    Dear Marion, I lost the love of my life in feb,he died at my feet from a heart attack, we were married 48 years,he just retired also,were planing our wonderful years together and it was taken away, I cry everday,wish I could see his face,could of I done more for him. I wonder. I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life,sure in the beginning every one is around,but it dies down. I just want to be with him. The love of my life.

  • ree

    October 1st, 2015 at 9:22 AM

    I lost my husband September 13 but in truth i lost him many years ago to alcohol. Its a terrible disease. I watched him go from a business man and musical prodigy. To a unhealthy man who was spared twice from death who should have felt happy enough to have been spared, but instead unhappy to be here. No i didnt understand the illness i was angry and sad. When the brain is no longer functioning as before i couldnt understand that either.Needless to say ive missed him along time ago but now that he has passed. I am even more depressed. We were married 34 years and i feel so lost,scared and now i dont want to go on. Also left without means to take care of home because i am self employed i will soon be faced with financial difficulties. Anger, depressed, scared. Seems hopless

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    October 1st, 2015 at 12:04 PM

    Hi Ree,
    Thank you for your comment. It takes courage to talk about feelings and share these issues! We hear you and want to provide access to some resources that may be of help. If you are in crisis or feel you are in danger of harming yourself or others, please do not hesitate to call 911 or your local emergency number, or go to your local emergency room. You may also find helpful resources on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    To look for a mental health professional in your area, you can use the GoodTherapy.org directory, accessible here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    We are wishing you the very best in your healing, Ree!

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Mary

    October 20th, 2015 at 8:57 PM

    I lost my husband sept 19 of the same,damn alcolhol.31 yrs of marriage.i am heartbroken.i knew who really was.he was my only love.you will get through this.it will take time and the grace of God.cling to Him.talk about the good times to people who care.peace to you
    Mary

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  • Lorraine W.

    January 25th, 2019 at 2:10 PM

    I am so grateful to have found a couple posts from people who have also lost their best friends/soul mates from alcohol. My Danny died from end-stage cirrhosis, a horrible, horrible disease. We went through two years of a progressively increasing hell, but what I need to understand is what happened in the last week and a half. When he got to the hospital, he became a different person: child-like, delusional, and in an incredible fury. I know he had ammonia on his brain, but how does that make a man who loved me so dearly scream at me and call me the most horrible things? Please, could anyone explain why my final memories have to be so devastating and enduring? Maybe understanding what happened could alleviate some of the depression.

  • Bette

    October 2nd, 2015 at 12:13 PM

    Hello Gill D. – thank you so much for sharing your story! It’s comforting to know that there are other people on the planet that you can share your experiences, emotions, and thoughts with and know that they will understand! Your husband’s passing is so very recent — I’m sure the experience is a part of everything you do, every thought you think, and every dream you dream! Looking back on those first several months after my husband John passed away, I was totally and completely lost, and the most unsettling part was that I was unable to envision myself living my life without him! I was constantly questioning how could “life” do this to us — feeling it was somehow a “mistake” – it just wasn’t supposed to be this way!! Damn it!! I’ve always been of strong mind and will and I was brought to my knees – totally dysfunctional and didn’t care about raising myself out of it! And I know now, it was John’s remarkable and very comforting love that got me through those times and his love continues to get me through and push me forward! — In these last few months I can feel that he’s pulled back a bit and is saying to me “Come on baby, it’s time to get moving forward again” – he’s getting impatient! LOL! And as hard as it is, I am managing to get on with life! — My husband was very aware of time and I began to realize that he was reminding me that “time” never stops – this was his gentle way of applying some pressure to get me to take one step and then another! — We had unfinished projects and things we wanted to do in life!
    It’s now going on 19-months and I have made some progress AND you will too Gill! Don’t give up everything the two of you cared about and worked so hard for! — And please know that Cancer is such a horrid disease and to face life alone after a long two-year ordeal such as you’ve been through, requires giving yourself plenty of time to recover – body, mind and spirit!! — That experience stays in our hearts and minds for such a long, long while! I’m finally, at this time, in forward motion — each time this occurs it lasts a little longer, but I am now beginning to realize there will come a day in my future when the pain will be overshadowed by the love — I can sense that is coming and has already begun to start! And it will for you too Gill! For whatever reasons we got physically separated from our spouses, I have begun to know, trust and understand that it was not a mistake!
    All my best to you Gill and please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers! Please stay in touch on the website.

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  • Chris

    October 3rd, 2015 at 11:53 AM

    On October 22nd it will be one year since my darling husband passed away we had been together for 28 years and married for almost 23 years. He passed away from cancer the day after our oldest sons birthday and 4 days before our 23rd wedding anniversary. I still feel totally lost and still wake in the middle of the night wondering why he hasn’t come to bed. I also lost my dad 10 weeks after my husband. I still find it hard to comprehend that at 47 years old I’m a widow with two disabled sons. I try not too rely on my daughter as she has her own life and I don’t want to become a burden to her.the one bright spot is I have a georgous 3 year old granddaughter. I find that friends have stopped calling and asking me to go out with them. I sometimes feel I should wear a sign that says I’m not interested in your husband.

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  • IKaren

    October 4th, 2015 at 5:05 PM

    I lost my darling husband Peter on 31/10/2014and the date is fast approaching for the 1year of his passing I loathe this month also the month my father passed the two men in my life I’ve always loved so deeply I can’t seem to get over the loss I cry constantly don’t want to focus on anything there’s no real purpose anymore god I hate being here if only I could go back I’ll never say goodbye Peter love you then and now forever I keep you in my heart with all my memories of you just not enough to make me feel whole I hate the person I am now and this god awful life without you sweetheart please wait for me until I can be with you again it’s all I hold onto

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  • Together forever

    September 11th, 2016 at 6:40 AM

    As I sit here trying to get off the couch, I cry reading your stories. We were married 40 years.i just wish I could get rid of the terribal hurt. I will keep you in all in my prayers. 2zka

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  • ces

    October 9th, 2015 at 11:32 PM

    My husband died last August 20 due to a massive heart attack, it was his first attack and I witnessed what hapenned, it was supposed to be a mild stroke based on the doctor’s findings but his head hit my garden stool made of metal, I was able to do an immdeiate cpr and was able to rush him to he hospital.. until now I am at shock because I feel like i’m the one to be blamed why he did not make it. He was revived for 30mins but the doctor said he is already brain dead and there is a little chance for him to survive.. . I was so devastated hat time and until now it keeps on flashing back in my mind. I lost weight, cant sleep, everything that we used to do together like going to the market, grocery,bringing lunch to my kids,drop them to school everyday and fetching them…i do it all now by myself, most of the time I breakdown while driving, i just cry thinking his is all just a dream..but it’s not.. My youngest daughter(age 8) cries most of the time too. She does’nt want to go to school and is quiet most of the time. When we are having dinner and we talk about their dad..i just breakdown and cry..I wanted to be strong for our 3 children and my mom said that we need to consult a counselor. I need your help. Where do I go? We have been together for 17 years and it was all good memories. I miss him everyday.

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  • gmorales75

    April 10th, 2017 at 12:30 PM

    Hi Ces! I lost my beloved husband March 9, 2017.. It was on my birthday! I don’t know how to go on with my life. We have 3 kids together. There’s not a single day that I don’t cry..

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  • Audrey

    September 8th, 2018 at 2:23 PM

    On 24th August I lost my darling husband after 44 years of a wonderful and fulfilling marriage. He had suffered from Prostate Cancer, Lung Cancer and Gallstones. These, together with Sepsis finally cost my husband his life. He was 85 and I am 75. The grief that I am feeling is beyond description. Never for a moment did I think that the pain if grief could be all consuming. I feel that half of me has died with my husband and life no longer has any meaning. Most of my days are spent in tears and I long for bedtime when I can close my eyes for a few hours of sleep. Mornings are the worst for me. I feel that I am in a black hole with no help to pull me out. I find it extremely difficult to motivate myself and long for God to take me too. Just knowing that there are so many others who are also going through the grief process is of great comfort.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    September 8th, 2018 at 5:14 PM

    Dear Audrey,

    Thank you for sharing. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sandra

    September 9th, 2018 at 8:31 AM

    ..Hi Audrey….There’s not a lot I can say to comfort you other than I am so sorry about your husband….It’s so very recent for you, you must be heartbroken and yes, I gain comfort also from knowing I’m not the only one…The price we pay I’m afraid…there’s always a price. Just be patient with yourself and take care of yourself….x

  • Trish

    October 12th, 2015 at 6:28 PM

    I lost my husband on August 3 2015.. Totally unexpected. We had just came back from our first family cruise 3 days before and all had vertigo and sea legs from being on the ship. We all went back to work ( boys home from school of course for summer holidays). I never worked 1-9 on a Wednesday. I was scheduled, 1-9, it is his hickey night. He as so athletic. He suffered a massive heart attack at the arena. He went without oxygen too long I guess because after stints were put in for blocked arteries they coôled him and put him in a medical induced coma for 72 hours. He ended up never really coming back to us. He tried to fight as hard as he could but died 12 days later. He was my hero. I miss Mike so much. My soul mate, marathon partner and live of my life. The best father you could ever imagine to our 2 boys (17&12). We miss him and I cry myself to sleep ever night. I suffer panic and anxiety attacks and even have resorted to taking antidepressants. If it was not for my 2 boys and our dog, I would still be in bed everyday. I gave not gone back to work yet and I am off in medical leave due to the state of my grieving. He was only 47. We were married 18 years and dated for 12 years before we even did get married. I don’t know how I am going through the motions of everyday life but I am and I have a memorial run that I am doing to raise money for Heart & Stroke in his memory. That keeps me busy . Thank grid for friends and family because I really don’t think I could hAve done this without him. I still ask myself why no one called 911 and why no one administered basic for and first aid before trying to unsuccessfully untangle the AED machine. He went with out oxygen because people were blind to what was happening. A police officer knocking at your door at night can never be a good sign. I miss him and really want to be with him but have 2 children who need me too! Will this ever get any easier. Thanksgiving and what do I give thanks for today. Family and friends, but not for him being gone from our lives. I keep telling people we truly live in hell why wouldn’t God take a killer of murderer why would he take such a great man from us so early. To save 3 others because he was an organ donor? I don’t get it and no one can give me answers. He fought for us and tried to stay and now I will continue to fight for him. Missing him seems to get worse nit any better! It’s awful. I really lost my soulmate and part of me died with him too! I know it did.

    Reply

  • Donna

    October 30th, 2015 at 6:17 PM

    We seem to all have lost , my husband diet 18 days ago, the pain is so great I don’t want to go own without him, I can’t do that or I will ot go to heaven what I want to know is hen you get up what do I do with myself hour by hour , he was my best friend we were retired together every minute.
    I have no friends, I am 66.
    What did all of you do detailed days
    House as clean why fix yourself up he’s not. Here to see
    I can’t sleep
    Tell me what has helped all of you
    I am praying

    Reply

  • Elizabeth Bartz

    October 15th, 2015 at 3:42 AM

    I lost my husband in December of 2012, and sometimes I think I have not made any progress at all in dealing with it.
    I try and keep busy, but that helps only as long as I am busy with something.

    Why have I not made any progress towards dealing with this ? It has will soon be 3 years since he died.
    All I do is pray that there is truly a heaven where we can be together again. But his death has even shaken my faith
    in that, too.

    Please, will someone tell me how they got through this hell-on-earth. I should be doing at last SOME better than I am doing doing now.

    Please answer me.
    Elizabeth

    Reply

  • Kathy

    October 21st, 2015 at 1:17 PM

    I wish I could talk to you. My husband died December 2012 also. If you want me to call give me your number. I’m having a hard time too but I’m keeping very busy. That is my saving Grace.

    Reply

  • Roberta

    November 4th, 2015 at 3:25 PM

    Elizabeth B , I lost my husband in December 2012 also. Possibly we could be of help to,each other?

    Reply

  • Elizabeth

    October 15th, 2015 at 4:02 AM

    Please notify me when there are new comments.

    Thank you.

    Elizabeth

    Reply

  • Rhonda

    October 18th, 2015 at 3:18 PM

    I lost my husband unexpectedly 11 days ago on October 7th. He went to work as usual, but was having chest pains. I took him to the doctor after work and was told he had an enlarged heart we needed to go to the er. We both wanted to freshen up first so we went home to shower. When I came out of the bathroom I found him collapsed on the floor. Rescue took him to the hospital where he was pronounced. When I arrived at the hospital I was taken to a small room when I heard someone outside of the door saying she doesn’t know yet. This is when my life was turned upside down. I feel so lost. I’m only 40, , and he was 43. We met when I was 14, and he was 17. My husband had been an alcoholic for the past 22 years, and even though I haven’t received his death certificate yet I pretty sure it was related to his addiction. Even though I tried so many times to get him to stop drinking he just could not. His answer was I’m only drinking beer. I still ask myself could I have done more. All of my kids are away in college, and this was supposed to be our time. I feel robbed, sad, frustrated, angry, depressed, and longing to be with him again. I’m having an emotional overload and have no idea how to deal. I’m scared of living life without him. I just don’t know what to do.

    Reply

  • Mary

    October 20th, 2015 at 8:48 PM

    Oh I am so sorry.i lost my husband of 31 yrs sept.19 of this year.he too suffered from alcoholism .it is just so sad.he died suddenly also.my heart is broken.he was supposed to be getting help for his addiction and he just couldn’t fight those demons.it is awful.the loneliness. I miss him terribly.coffee in the morning,watching tv,just talking.i thought we had a lifetime ahead of us. It has been 1month.i went back to work 1week after.way too soon.some what I thought were close friends are not very supportive.ya know just move on he is in a better place now.i know all this but I just simply miss him.life is forever changed.i lost my mom in dec. of last year.ugh.it will be really hard to find a new normal.God will see us through this.peace to you.

    Reply

  • natalie

    November 4th, 2015 at 3:39 PM

    Hi I lost my husband on 7 oct 2015. J went to bed for a nap and asked me to wake him at 5pm I went to wake him he was purple n not breathing I called 999 I did compressions till ambulance came they tried for 20mins but couldnt bring j back. We both r 41 been together 23 years and we were ttrying for family. He is my world my soulmate my evething I am so lost wi out him

    Reply

  • natalie

    November 28th, 2015 at 2:05 PM

    Its so hard without j theres no point of living anymore. J is my everything I wanna die and be with him. Miss and love him so much we had such a perfect marriage and trying for children, we had been together for 23 years cant see any point being here without j x

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 28th, 2015 at 4:17 PM

    Thank you for your comment, Natalie. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Rossana W.

    October 18th, 2015 at 7:05 PM

    Maureen.. My husband passed away last March 21st 2015 of massive heart attack. It was him picking me up from Philadelphia Airport (me coming from ATLANTA). It was the last day of snow. I attended a Personal Assistant seminar and it was a good and productive seminar. Was happy to get bacK home. He called me (his voice was very excited!!!) as soon as I got out from the plane. I knew that he was already at the airport. I went to use the rest room and proceeded downstairs. As I didn’t have a check on baggage, I use the Terminal A East escalator. He called me again and said that he was in the other side ,Terminal A,- West— and said “Don’t move. I will just drive to where you are.I am on curb and will just turn around” . I waited and waited and found an electric outlet to re charge my cellphone. I saw the green battery power going up so I turned it on but it got drained again.. I wondered why and my husband isnt coming. So I texted him a few times (7 text messages) Asking him to just meet me on A West. So went up the escalator and went to I know where he was. passed by the Police car. My mind was focused to the oncoming cars. If I see his car, I told myself, we will just go home. It was a very cold night! He has not come. I was able to recharge my phone this time, I dialed his cellphone number only to be answered by a POLICEMAN. I was asked to walk to my right. When I reached the first door, by the curb.. I saw on the side of my left eye that there was something covered on the ground, by the curb..” and here are 3 POLICEMEN escorting me back inside the terminal. I was asked to sit down and there, they told me that my husband is gone. “Sorry for your loss” they said. I asked them, why they didn’t take him to a hospital.. No one did. I was given my husband’s wallet, car keys, cellphone what still smelled of his perfume,and his wedding ring. He was 61 yrs old and I am 53. We have been married on July 9, 2011 and it was not even 4 years and he left me. He was trying to call me so my cellphone was not charging and it was draining . He died alone somewhere in the airport. No one saw him early enough to give him first aid (AED) .We went to the GYM at least 3 times a week. We did many things together. Attended family and social events together, shop together, spent week- ends driving somewhere together. He was my best friend !!! He would give me a back massage every night! As I give him back, too. And he would have a cup of coffee every morning and take it to me in my home office while he goes to his own office. He worked at home but is on business trips at least 2-3 times a month. I missed him when he went to London.. And when he flew to other states for business.. But now, knowing he is not here anymore, I grieve for him.. I weep and always talk to him. I am strong to tell myself that one day, I shall see him again I wish he would appear in my dreams so I can be with him again. I watch the videos I made of him: Him on the elliptical, and other Fitness equipment at the gym, when he was making coffee at night, in preparation for the following morning he programmed the brewing for 6:40 am, his video when he was making a speech….I miss him always telling e “I love YOU” every time he had a chance. My wonderful sweet caring gentle husband is gone now.. How can I accept that completely..? God knows I am a strong woman.. He wont give me anything I can not handle.. Those are the words I want to remember.. I am just grieving now. Even 7 months later I am still in deep sorrow. I force myself to get a shower… clean the house, and do my work… Writing it now gives me a little consolation knowing that other widows will read it and they can relate to what I am experiencing.To grieve is normal and natural so I will express my feelings .

    Reply

  • Valentina

    November 15th, 2015 at 10:07 AM

    My husband of 12 years died on October 21, 2015 from we still dont know really what Everithing happend so quikly I moved to Canada in 2004 and left all behind just for this man He was everithing for my my best friend my husband my father my baby We did everything together We worked from home and travel a lot , so I still waiting for him to came back home I fell him everywhere I see him around all the time Crying and crying and criying and asking him to come back I dont have family around I asked my son to move with me but he can only do it next year Dont know how to live without him I dont want to live with out him He was me He was everithing for me I feel as I died too It is very busy time at work but I only think of him where he is now and why he did not call ? He was only 63, strong and healthy full of energy for 10 people Just started business in Europe Was so happy We were so happy that he was telling me every day how happy he was with me and how lucky he was to have me in his live and how beautifull Im. I still in shock Afraid it will get worth with time

    Reply

  • Sue

    June 8th, 2016 at 7:07 AM

    My husband pass away 190 days ago. He was my pillar of strength, my closest friend and my listener. A widow at 32. On a day when I don’t usually have to work. I was call back to office on a weekend. I hate going back to work on weekend as that’s the time we usually spend our quality time together. We are one lovely couple. Reach home about 8pm. He had our dinner ready. How sweet. We have our dinner, watch TV and off to bed. With a kiss on the forehead and good night from him…I never knew it was the last kiss from him. Life is terrible without him, my decision maker. He took away the sun with him. The sun does not shine in my life anymore. I don’t have anyone else in my life. I don’t c a point y I should live. I’ve told him previously that i hope we will both die together….as I know the one left behind if the other passed away will b in very painful situation. I know how painful it is now. I’m waiting for him to bring me along to join his journey. I miss him. How I wish all this is is just a dream.

  • Rita

    October 22nd, 2015 at 12:53 PM

    I lost my husband of 40 years on March 26,2014. He was diagnosed with MS twenty years ago and five years ago developed Leukemia. This amazing smart kind wonderful strong man did not deserve such health problems and I am so angry. Bruce was my everything and miss him every day. I see him in my dreams and I hate to wake up to the realization that he is gone. Some days I freeze in place and cannot function. It has been 1 1/2 years but feels like yesterday that this amazing man left me to go on alone. We have two adult boys who have been supportive but I know they are suffering and wish I could be stronger. I know in my heart he wasnt ready to leave with so much unfinished business.

    Reply

  • Ruby

    October 27th, 2015 at 1:44 PM

    I lost my husband on 7/14/2015 to lung cancer after a 2 1/2 year struggle. He was my soul mate and my best friend. He was only 53 and I am 59. Before he got cancer, he was the picture of health and lead a very physical life both on the job and off. I am totally lost without him and feel as if my heart will never mend. I know people generally mean well but can say things that just bring it all back and make the pain as fresh as the day he died. I am tired of crying. I miss him terribly.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    October 27th, 2015 at 4:23 PM

    Dear Ruby,

    We are sorry to hear of your loss. Grieving a loved one is a difficult and painful process. If you would like to speak to a therapist or mental health professional about this, or any other concern, you may return to our homepage and search for one here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    You can also complete an advanced search here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Our advanced search function will allow you to search for therapists by specialty.

    Help is available, and we wish you the best in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Together forever

    September 11th, 2016 at 6:43 AM

    I. Have been getting 2 years of therapy. 2zka

  • Dee

    October 31st, 2015 at 7:21 PM

    I lost my husband suddenly Oct. 14th. I lost my mother the day before Mother’s Day this past May. I have been mourning the loss of my mother whom I miss so very much, then my husband is gone. I think I was in some sort of shock for several days when he passed. He was 61; I am 61 also. We married in 2002 and had not even made it to ten years of marriage. I loved being married and especially to him. No one could make me laugh like he could. We loved traveling and doing just about anything together. We had fun going to the grocery store! Didn’t matter as long as we were together. When my mother passed I felt her presence so strongly. I don’t feel my husband’s that much. We loved each other so deeply and maybe my grief is getting in my own way of feeling him near. I just don’t know what to do with who I am now. I have forgotten how to be single. I was always very independent until he came into my life. I came to depend on him a lot for some things. We always talked about all the places we wanted to go and the things we wanted to share and I keep thinking how we won’t do any of the things we planned. I stay busy during the day and it keeps my mind off of being lonely but at the end of the day there is no replacement for a good bear hug from your husband. I think of something and I go to send him a text and the force of emptiness rushes up on me. I knew we would most likely not have a really long marriage like my parents had of almost 62 years. I don’t even know how to just BE.

    Reply

  • Rossana

    November 2nd, 2015 at 5:02 PM

    Deem , my late husband Vince and I were only married for 3 and 1/2 years. He was also 61 when he had a heart attack last march 21st, 2015. Such a sudden and unexpected death. Just when we had adjusted on our differences. I love him so much. He taught me to love and be patient. We did every thign together. He was my gym buddy, we went to the grocery after the gym work -out, we gave each other a back rub every night when he was home and I missed him when he travelled for business,..we hugged each other all night when we slept.. I am mourning until now. On Nov 5th he would have been 62. When he drove, he would have his right hand hold my hands. When we were listening to the Sunday service/sermon, we held hands, on a long and short flights, we held hands..He told me a thousand times how much he loves me.. He was indeed the love I wanted and had and lost..I feel so alone now that I am here and its gonna be winter again.My beloved husband, who didnt have any sickness, just gone No blood, no body waste.. Just a massive heart attack that happened just once. And he was gone!!!.I never dreamt of him, until now, after 7 months since he passed. I hope he would appear in my dreams then I can see him alive again. Although I have many videos of him, I hope I dream of him . Thank you for sharing us your feelings.. You will find peace and joy having friends on this site.The good Lord will give you strength.

    Reply

  • Rita Zarleng

    November 5th, 2015 at 8:40 AM

    The other day my friend asked me how i was..truly..and i responded that i am lonely for my husband and trying to maintain. She then asked me if i have considered a male companion for dinner, movies, activities, etc. just to get out and company. That statement from a friend of mine for 8 years made so angry and hurt. I promptly told her NO way because i have no interest and will have NO interest. i have been a widow for 1 1/2 years from a 40 year marriage to a wonderful man and father. 6 months after he was gone a friend of his asked me if i was dating..and recently my cousin asked me the same..i now feel that i can never say i am lonely without someone giving me poor advice. I am lonely for MY MAN..BRUCE.. not just a man. why do people make these statements? they obviously dont know me or understand.

    Reply

  • Lorraine W.

    July 5th, 2018 at 4:58 PM

    Oh, I’ve been in the same position and am between disgusted and horrified. Danny was my best friend, my dear love. How in the world do others think they can waltz in and ‘replace’ him? I don’t miss a man; I miss Danny. My neighbor down the block lost his wife four days after I lost Danny. He came to my house and told me he didn’t know how to shop, didn’t know why his wife died, and then told me he felt kinky!!! As I looked at him in horror, he asked me how old I was. I said 61. He scrutinized me and said he was 74, and that it could work. I have ignored him ever since. I ran into my husband’s good friend – an older, retired man who lost his wife. He had the gall to tell me he’d give me a year or two to get over Danny, and then we could ‘hook up’! I am so horrified that some men are so into their needs, that they don’t consider that their spouses were the ones they loved but rather themselves. I would be hard-pressed to find a man who made me feel so happy as I felt seeing Danny every day, and I have no problem being a widow missing Danny and alone, rather than ‘plugging’ in a man to fill a gap that can’t be filled.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    November 9th, 2015 at 8:05 AM

    Hi Marian,
    I feel the same way you do, I understand your pain. My husband passed away on August 21/15. I am in a horrible place right now, as an only child, who did not have any children. I have distant family. I have good friends who are asking me to do things. I do them, because I feel that is what I am supposed to do, but I have anxiety most of the time and want to go home. Once in a while I have an okay moment, more often at work. I feel my life is pointless. Even when I walk outside, I can’t believe I am in a world without my Mark. We were married for 33 years. I am 54. I certainly hope it gets better at some point. I know that our husbands would not want this pain to go on forever.

    Reply

  • Earlene

    November 22nd, 2015 at 2:57 AM

    Hi Marian, I lost my husband of 41 years on August 29 2015 he died while working in a well from hypoxia, no oxygen. I had to help get him pulled up out of the well, the flashbacks are there every day. Our children are grown but live fairly close and do keep in contact. Our wedding anniversary was in June we planned to renew our vows in September. We were 2 days away from moving into a home in the mountains that was to be for the rest of our lives. I am not angry at God, but do not understand why. I think about ending NY life as I don’t want to live anymore. I cry every day and night. Memories are everywhere, we did everything together. Not once in our 41 years did we have an argument. He was my everything. Memories are wonderful but heart breaking. I just wanted to tell you I understand how you feel. I am sorry for your loss. They both die so close to the same dates.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    November 9th, 2015 at 10:05 AM

    Sally, I just went back and read your comments. Om my goodness, who would have thought that taking out the garbage, and feeding the cat, every day things would be missed so much. I miss all of that, so much. All of the little things. I feel so badly because I didn’t do the litter box and I would get aggravated about litter being on the floor and now I realize that I am doing it that it happens to me all the time. So many things, getting groceries, going to the pharmacy, everything seems like it has no point when you are doing it just for yourself. There is no one to talk to about the most trivial things. I know that this loss of a spouse happens to 50% of us, I just wonder how people have managed it . As an outsider before this journey, I guess I just took for granted that they did and returned to their old selves eventually . Little did I realize that this was such an impossibly sad and horrible task. Your life is literally ripped away from you and even if you start doing things on your own you are just going thru the motions. It seems just like barely surviving, not that you want to. So many things we took for granted, how wonderful it was to share our everyday life with someone we love and expected to always be there for us.

    Reply

  • Fran

    November 9th, 2015 at 1:39 PM

    I feel compelled to share a poem I read this morning with each and every one of you that have lost a loved one..like all of you my heart was and is still shattered over the tragic death of my soul mate..he and I shared 30 yrs 2 mos as ONE..now I am ONE without him..after reading this poem there was a calm that came over me..it was as if he was reading the poem to me and I thought..this is exactly what he would say to me..
    “GRIEVE NOT FOR ME”..i CANNOT LET YOU GRIEVE FOR ME. fOR THOSE WHO LOVE MUST LET US GO. iN COMFORT, PLEASE BELIEVE I’M FREE FROM ALL THE PAIN LIFE CAN BESTOW. AS I BEGIN MY WORLD ANEW..CONSIDER NOT WHAT USED TO BE..I’M SENDING HAPPY SMILES TO YOU WHILE I ENJOY ETERNITY. LORD, BLESS THE HOME FROM WHICH I CAME. YET BRUSH EACH LONELY HOUR AWAY. WITH FOND REMEMBRANCE OF MY NAME, AND A SUNSHINE FOR A NEWER DAY. LOOK TO THE WIND TO FIND ME THERE. BESIDE THE HARDEST THING YOU DO..I’VE LEFT MY LOVE WITHIN THIS PRAYER..I’M ALWAYS WATCHING OVER YOU.

    Reply

  • Fran

    November 9th, 2015 at 1:46 PM

    His death has been the hardest thing I have ever incurred in my life time as my magnificient husband left his earthly home on June 10, 2015 # 3:47 PM due to a work related accident. I have cried, grieved, mourned, searched for “why did this happen we were so in love and happy” prayed to my Jesus Christ read bible scriptures to try and ease the pain..I have now had to use the word “accept” and that is a very hard, almost impossible thing for me..My heart cries for each and every one of you for what we are all enduring and I have to keep reminding myself of his beautiful, loving smile when he would say “do you know how much I am IN love with you”..I hope you can find peace and joy at some point and just remember..you will see him/her again..walk hand in hand for eternity..God Bless

    Reply

  • Angie

    November 10th, 2015 at 3:34 PM

    I lost my husband to Lung Cancer on Oct 12, 2015 (Canada Thanksgiving Day). He had been fighting this disease for 11 months and I felt so helpless seeing him suffered in pain. I remembered clearly the day I send him to the hospital, that was on Oct 11, he said to me that I was sending him there to die. I did not see it coming and so I left home and he was alone in the hospital. That was the last time I saw him. He died the following morning at 6.15am. I regretted so much and I wanted to kill myself for that. This Nov 12 will be our 10th year wedding anniversay. Is almost a month he was gone and every night, I cried in bed. I cried in the office when I saw my colleagues of his age moving and living. I hated myself so much because I should have done more to save him. I should be there when he needed me most. So much guilt and so much regrets. I couldn’t let him go because I wanted to tell him how sorry I was and I wanted to hear him telling me everything is okay but it didn’t happen. He was a great guy, very thoughtful and always put my daughter and me before himself. Without him, I feel so empty. It is so hard to pass each day so I just buried myself with work to forget about him. However, when I go home, I never hear his voice anymore, he is not there to talk to me or do grocery shopping with me. I am not sure if he is free of pain now? Is he happy now? Will he forget me? As for me, time will never heal my pain and my regrets. Why is it so unfair that his life was taken at age of 61. I am angry with myself for not taking good care of him when he was sick. I am angry with God for taking him away at this age. I am angry with him for leaving me. I am no more a happy go lucky person. My heart is filled with grief and I just hope that he will come to my dream and tell me he is happy and free of pain. What I have now is guilt, regrets, depress and pain.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 10th, 2015 at 4:51 PM

    Hi Angie,

    We at GoodTherapy.org saw your comment on the blog and wanted to encourage you to reach out. If you would like to talk to a mental health professional, you can find one through our website. Locate a therapist in your area by entering your ZIP code here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    You can use the advanced search to search for a therapist or counselor by specialty:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Please know that help is available. We wish you the best in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Jackie

    November 11th, 2015 at 7:11 AM

    Hi Angie, I have guilt too, Mark and I were both sick with the flu/cold the week before. I asked him on Thursday night if he wanted to go to the hospital, he had a heart condition and I had a bad feeling. He said no. He passed away the next day. It has now been 10 weeks for me, and I think about that all the time. I believe now that what happened could not have been prevented, or it would have been a worse outcome, he would not have done well with horrible news, the stress alone would have killed him, perhaps slower, but that would have been so difficult for him. When we live our day to day lives we aren’t thinking ” I need to take care of him better” , I am sure you did take care of him, he loved you, he will always love you and he would not want you to suffer so much with this horrible journey we are on. I am not an overly religious person, but I do think that we can only take so much pain and the fact that you were not there when he passed away could very well have been his way of protecting you. They will never, ever forget us, but I do think they would want us to try to live at some point. Believe me I am not doing well, can’t go grocery shopping either, I am an only child without children. Things are so hard, but we have to think there will be better days at some point. I know they would want that for us. Wouldn’t you want that for him ? I know you would. He is free of pain, he is thinking about you and your daughter all of the time and wanting you both to be well. This is truly the most horrible thing I have been through and I have lost both of my parents. It is just 1,000,0000 times worse than that. They would not want that for us, I can guarantee that much .

    Reply

  • Angie

    November 13th, 2015 at 2:00 PM

    Hi Jackie, I am sorry for your loss. It must be very hard for you, all alone going through this difficult time. I am trying to live but the broken heart is so painful each time I think of him. I get so angry because he was not ready to leave me. We have so many plans after retirement. And now, I was left behind. I am trying to find life and live again until I meet with him. Same goes for you too. Be strong and I wish you all the best.

    Reply

  • Fiona H.

    November 15th, 2015 at 10:02 AM

    I have just become a widow for the second time within 10 years. and not coping very well at all. Both were sudden and totally unexpected. My whole body feels like it’s shutting down and I am struggling to walk the pains in my legs are so bad.

    Reply

  • Rosa

    November 15th, 2015 at 5:18 PM

    My husband died on the last day of snow. He shoveled that day. But I am not sure if that was what caused his death. The policeman gave me his wallet, after he was found dead in his car . And the police didnt show me his body lying on the ground which they covered. I was in another building. I was trying to call his cellphone so I can meet him but it was the police who picked up the call. So I hurried where the police said he was. 3 Policemen greeted me and told me to sit down. they said that my husband is dead because he had a heart attack. I wonder if the covered thing outside the building is his dead body but police dont wanna show me his body.. So I was taken back home that night. the following day, I looked inside the wallet of my husband. I found a mat of pills (for virility?) I never saw that before. It must be a recent order from online. I dont know what entered his mind why did he had to buy those pills??I am 53 and he was 61. We had each other!! Now because of those damned pills, he died! Those advertisements on the TV motivated him it would be good for us.. I cry ..How can I bear not to have him aroun dnaymore? the love of my life is gone! We went to the gym at least 4 times a week. He was more of the GYM Buff than me. Whether it snow 20 inches deep if the gym is open, we would go..he would go do his work -out.. Even if there was a hurricane, if the gym is open.. he would go.. I fed him with healthy home cooked foods, made him fruit shakes and smoothies.. I am so shock why did he die. I suspect that the only thing that cause him to die are those pills. The mat was with ONE missing.. I am not sure if our primary doctor advised him to take these pills because when I asked the doctor he said , “You have o idea how many people are taking this pill”.I dont know how many young , strong, healthy men die because they take this pill.. It is not fair.. my husband died and I can not do anything. I am so broken!!!

    Reply

  • Carole

    November 15th, 2015 at 8:50 PM

    Lost my husband a month ago 10/12, he was 74 I am 57. Everyone tells me ” you are still so young, you have many years ahead of you”….it does not matter ! He got aspiration pneumonia after a routine colonoscopy from vomiting. Who would ever dream a routine colonoscopy would kill him. He had colon cancer 5 years ago and had it removed, this colonoscopy showed no sign of return of the cancer and I was so relieved , but then to die 5 days later of aspiration pneumonia ! Just had his memorial on 11/13. I have been with him since I was 16. I have never been on my own, went straight from parents home to him. How do live when half of you is gone …..right now I do not care if I died tomorrow. I keep telling the Lord ” please don’t let me live too long”. Like many of you have said I just feel like I am going through the motions of life, no meaning, no joy. I feel like if I found out I have cancer tomorrow I would just let it grow and not even have treatment. I just want to b where he is. In the last 3 years I have lost my best friend who was killed in car crash, my only sister and living relative to a rare aggressive uterine cancer, and now my husband. Both my parents died in 2000. Why have I been left behind and had to watch all my loved ones die first. I have no children. I am trying to stay active, my husband’s 80 year old pal just took me out to dinner tonight, but I have to force myself to do things. Everything is just empty. I do not ever want another man, I still consider myself married to my husband. I would never take my own life because I am a Christian but I sure hate being here now. I guess this is common reading through many of the comments. I send everyone who is hurting my love..you are not alone.

    Reply

  • Rita

    November 16th, 2015 at 5:48 PM

    I lost my husband, best friend, partner, lover on March 26,2014. The holidays are so difficult to get thru now that hes not here to share the moments. Friends and family just dont understand why i have no joy anymore. Sure i go thru the motions of daily living but sometimes just getting a shower and picking out clothes is such an effort. I ask myself why i bother. I wander around the grocery store missing my husband, my eating and cooking companion. I catch myself giving dirty looks to other couples my age for their opportunities that i no longer have. I dont want to wake up most days and i hide in my awful little apartment away from the world whenever possible. I wish i could say this feeling gets easier to all the other widows, but really this adjustment is so devastating.

    Reply

  • Rita

    November 16th, 2015 at 7:11 PM

    There are so many more things i could say to describe my loneliness and despair. I just wish i could offer some words of wisdom to help all of us get through this empty angry confusion. Please dont quote me common platitudes and blessings from above to try to justify why my husband was taken. I have lost my faith and im sure alot of you have too for good reason. There is no good reason why my wonderful husband was chosen to leave this life where he helped people and was such a kind loving man.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    November 17th, 2015 at 7:43 AM

    I was wishing it would get better. Rita, I know exactly what you are saying, it is going to be 3 months for me this coming Friday. It is just sinking in. Mark was my grocery shopping companion, my eating companion, eating out companion, movie and well everything in my life, we don’t have children. It is so, so difficult. I know they would not want us to be having such a difficult, horrible time. We would not want that for them, but I don’t know how we get past this. I am going to grief counseling and it is better for about an hr. afterwards, but then I sink again. At home I don’t know what to do with myself , I have such anxiety. On the weekend what I thought was a good friend yelled at me and told me I had to stop crying and “get it together”, that I am not the only person who has ever lost someone”. It was unbelievable actually. We are on such a difficult road. I too wish I could offer some words of healing, it is almost unbearably empty and sad. Where do we go from here to get better ?

    Reply

  • Rita

    November 17th, 2015 at 12:08 PM

    Jackie, i am so sorry your friend treated you like you should be guilty for grieving the love of your life. I have been talked down to by my well-meaning so called friends and relatives who have not lost a husband or a partner. Because of that I have distanced myself from these people who cant handle death and hurt me in the process. I truly think that these people we thought of as friends will only understand what we are going through when THEY go through it, or wont if they may not have ever loved as deeply. I have tried therapy sessions both individual and group also and the same happens to me- I feel like there is a little possibility of lightheartedness, but then it all comes down on my head again…the reality sets in to the extreme aloneness and fear I experience. I am 58 and my husband was 60. I have always worked but spent all my free time sharing life with him. We did everything together too. That included the many doctors appts and hospital stays for the last 4 years due to his cancer. For 40 years we were together, raised two boys, shared happiness and pain, lost both of our parents and all grandparents. I think i took us for granted ..i regret that now. Our two boys are grown, 31 and 25. They are both very busy with work and their lives. My oldest just got married. There are no grandchildren. They loved their dad so much and handle their pain in a different way than i do. Today is our wedding anniversary and i am having a very rough day celebrating without him. thank you for listening

    Reply

  • Jackie

    November 18th, 2015 at 8:10 AM

    Hi Rita,
    Thank you so much for your words of support. She is someone that just tolerates her husband he is actually quite a jerk and she hasn’t had that great love that we have experienced. I work as well and while I am at work I get minutes of normalness because I work in the charitable sector and see people often. Mark and I did everything together too, Even little things like going to the drugstore. I took so much for granted I think now, things like that were just everyday routines, now I so miss having him sitting beside me in the car, being the passenger next to my husband, rather than driving alone, or being the lone passenger in the backseat of someone else’s car- have you felt like that ? Mark was 56, I have regrets too. It is very sad for your sons as well. It was still your wedding anniversary, I don’t believe your husband has left you spiritually. I am not a religious person but I truly believe that. We have spent so much of our lives with the one we love the bond is still there. All I can think about is what if it was me that had gone ? I know that somehow I would have wanted him to get my messages of love and support. It is so crappy however, even when you thought about what it would be like to be alone it is so much worse than imagined. I will always listen ! I am so happy ( well not actually happy, that doesn’t seem to exist now) but unless you have been on this journey you wouldn’t know what it was possibly like. Each day is such a challenge. I understand about the regrets, I have guilt as well. I am thinking the more you loved someone, the deeper the pain is the loss. Lets just get thru one more day !!

    Reply

  • Rita

    November 18th, 2015 at 11:11 AM

    Jackie, yes i feel that awful aloneness in the backseat and front seat too.. The first time i noticed that empty seat was the day my husband died at the hospital and i had to leave him after 16 days in the ICU. My son and daughterinlaw were driving me home and for the first time i felt such a dark empty void and an incredible fear of being a passenger in this world without my partner. My husband worried about me driving in bad winter weather conditions so he would offer to take me to work…a 30 minute drive in good weather. There i would be with my cup of coffee (that he would have brewed for me) sitting beside the best most fearless driver in the world. Our Subaru was white so i felt he was my white knight protecting me from harm. Then he would pick me up after my shift at the hospital and spoil me to a homecooked meal he prepared… I miss sharing a cup of tea with him and his homemade oatmeal cookies while we played gin rummy and scrabble. I miss doing our laundry together…we even had fun folding sheets and towels as a team…I too have wondered where he would be if I had been the one with cancer. I know he was a very strong independent sensitive man so i cant help but think this would have somewhat defeated him too. Hopefully this pain will lessen, but i know i will never be the same…im looking for a balance. I want to enjoy all the memories but not hurt all the time.

    Reply

  • indirabijlall

    November 28th, 2015 at 6:37 PM

    I can relate to u dear. My soulmate..my husband of 35 yrs.passd on the 13/05/2015.my heart shattetered in a billion pieces..i love my husband so much.we wete childhood sweetheats…joined at the hips.wud collect me from work too and cook do i can hve hot food wrn i came home.he was my plumber ..my electrician…my chaffeur…my massuer…my joy wen i am stressed.the best morning person ever…and i am not wud come and hug me wen i am cooking in thehe morning and he thanked god for me and his four gorgeous daughtets and one grandson.i miss him somuch its like i am going insane.he cleans for me at christmas.and does all my shopping…do not know how i will go on.
    LIFE IS NOT FAIR…AT ALL.

    Reply

  • Carole

    November 18th, 2015 at 3:33 PM

    I don’t know whats wrong with people…I went with my friend to an overnight trip to the casino last night as she had a free room. I did not gamble as I’m not really into it but had a nice meal and stayed in the room and watched movies. She lost her husband last year but he was 83 (she is a spry 79)…I mentioned to her at breakfast this morning that I was kind of cranky because I am depressed and when I’m depressed I get irritable..she said ” you just need to get out of that depression”… really ? Its only been a month since my husband of 42 years died I think I have a right to be depressed ! When her husband she acted like nothing happened ! Just life as normal, I know everyone grieves differently but seriously. I was warned in GriefShare that people will say dumb things…they were right.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    November 19th, 2015 at 6:32 AM

    Hi Carole & Rita,
    Rita, your words about your husband driving you/picking you up for work just hit home with me completely. I am about 15 minutes from work and if I had driven Mark would call to find out if I was okay. A message would be waiting for me when I got here. Now I look at my voice mail at work and there are no calls from him. You are so right about laundry, we enjoyed folding towels and sheets too, now there is no joy in anything for me at the moment. I truly believe they would want us to have joy and happiness as we would for them, we just have to find it somehow. Carole – my friend I think would be similar in her grieving style to your friend if her husband had passed away. Everyone does grief differently, but we certainly don’t expect this type of reaction from people that we thought were good friends. It will make me so careful in the future to be kind, although I think we are because it shows in how much our hearts are breaking now. One month is so soon, it is going to be 3 months for me on Saturday. It is the most painful experiences I have ever had. I was young when my mother passed away and I thought there could be nothing worse , but this surpasses that by so much. When our “person” dies, a good part of our life also goes with them. I think that is the part that other people who haven’t experienced this don’t realize. The person we would go to in a tragedy is gone, making everything so much more difficult and sad. Maybe at some point happiness and true contentment with life will find us, we all deserve that. Our husbands would want that for us.

    Reply

  • Carole

    November 19th, 2015 at 3:56 PM

    Thanks Jackie….and yes our husbands would want us to be happy and carry on, and to honor them we should. But right now it seems impossible……time will make it more bearable I suppose, but there is always going to be that big empty space in our hearts. I want no other man, ever/ None else could understand me like he did, I trusted him with my life. I am too suspicious of others to ever trust anyone else. XO

    Reply

  • Hannah

    November 19th, 2015 at 4:36 PM

    Elizabeth Hartz, your comments touched me so much. I too lost my husband. Three years and 5 months ago. I can’t seem to live anymore. Nothing is the same. Life is flat. We never had children, just our cats who we also called our kids. I don’t feel I will ever be the same. I think this loss and suffering will be forever with me. I think it insulting for people to comment “just get over it” or “you need to move on with your life” or to actually suggest I find a companion! This just tells me they aren’t my friend, don’t understand and truly never will until they lose their husband/wife. I don’t know that I will ever be the same. I truly feel in my heart that I will forever be grieving and suffering for my husband. We were perfectly matched. I know people may find this hard to believe but we were. We were together 21 years and already planning our 25th wedding anniversary! We were so excited. I miss him deeply. I’m more emotional than I’ve ever been. And yes I’ve been to grief group, psychologists and individual counseling. Nothing has changed the grief I feel. Most days I just curl up on the couch and cry. I’m totally lost. I’m insulted that there are people who think there is a time limit on grief. Go through it and then tell me how you feel.

    Reply

  • Mai

    November 20th, 2015 at 9:56 AM

    thank you all for sharing your difficult experiences. I lost my husband on the 13th of 11/2015. The difficult part is, we were separated because he had mental health and was threatening to kill me. I however never stopped loving him. I have always been there for him when I can and he was always with us when he had the strength to do so. He wasn’t good with money and the week of his death he called me for money for his hospital’s appointment.I didn’t want to encourage him by giving again as I have been doing the past 10 years I lived with him. so I told him to look after his money because I needed to pay my bills. His doctor tried to convince him to get the ambulance, but he refused because he didn’t like the idea of been in it. She called me on Thursday and explained the situation. On Friday when I went to his apartment to give him some money I found him dead on the floor. I was with our three children and it was our second daughter’s birthday and his youngest first costume day. They were all excited to see him, unfortunately, were all crying instead of been happy. I can’t forgive myself for not been there for him when he needed me and hate my faith because it failed me when I needed it the most.I have no reason to live, he was everything for me. I want to be here for my children, but I don’t have enough strength to continue.Besides this, his family is accusing me of killing him because they think I mistreated him and are waiting for me back home to take his revenge.This is only because he was mentally unwell and told them nasty things about me which they believe.I hate life, I hate my Christian’s faith and I hate myself.I still love him and still believe he will wake up and come and knock at my door to allow me to do things differently.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 20th, 2015 at 12:21 PM

    Dear Mai,

    Thank you for sharing. We are very sorry to hear about your recent experience. We at GoodTherapy.org are not qualified to offer professional advice, but we wanted to encourage you to reach out and talk to someone. You can locate a therapist or mental health professional in your area by using our website:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    If you are in crisis, some of the links on this page may also be helpful:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Carole

    November 22nd, 2015 at 7:48 PM

    Earlene….I am so sorry….was with mine for 42 years. He died ( 11/12/15) of aspiration pneumonia after a routine colonoscopy so he too could not breath when he died. I just want to be with him as well…its hard to fathom how to carry on when half of you is gone. XO

    Reply

  • Monique E

    November 23rd, 2015 at 1:35 PM

    I lost my husband 3 months and 1 day ago. I miss him more and more each day. We were together for 7 years and have two kids, now when our life was just beginning to fall into place, he is now gone. I hate life and living. I just want to die everyday. I cry everyday for him. I am trying to stay strong for my children. We were only 34 when he died. We had our whole life together and were supposed to grow old together. Those that have spent 20, 30, 40 years with your husband are so blessed. Our union had only begun and now it is over, in the blink of an eye, my whole world came crashing down. I love him so much and don’t see how I am going to be able to get on with out him in my life. I want to be there for my kids but I can’t imagine living another 15 years with out him. I would rather die than to feel this pain any longer. I wish he would just come back to me. I love you Seneca baby forever. Its just hard to understand why God took him away from me. I love him so much. I understand but then again I don’t. I just love him too much to imagine life with out him. I used to be happy and love life when he was here now waking up everyday is a struggle. I don’t know how I will ever get through this.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 23rd, 2015 at 5:58 PM

    Dear Monique,

    We saw your comment and would like to thank you for sharing. We are very sorry to hear of your loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we would like to encourage you to talk to someone. It can be difficult to face things alone, and a qualified therapist or counselor may be able to offer support.

    To locate one in your area, you can enter your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    If you would like to find a mental health professional who specializes in grief counseling, you can enter your ZIP code here to complete an advanced search:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Rose

    November 27th, 2015 at 8:06 AM

    I lost my husband after 14 years of marriage and we were together for 24 years since high school. I feel your pain. I have 4 kids all under 14. Some days I just don’t want to do anything. The pain seems to be getting worse not better. I can’t believe he’s gone after a very short battle with cancer. I feel lost and have panic attacks. He was only 40 and finally he was able to give us his time after working so hard to become service manager. The hardest part was that he knew he was leaving us in the end and he would cry. I can’t shake those images out. I feel like I have PTSD. Please know you’re not alone.

    Reply

  • BE

    November 24th, 2015 at 8:11 AM

    My husband passed away 5 weeks ago. We were married 56yrs. It was almost a lifetime. I can certainly relate to everyone that has written on these posts. Most days are so lonely and sad that you feel like you can’t go on. Then I think about what my husband would want for me. He would want me to be happy, and to take care of myself like I took care of him. I have a dog and a cat that I have to attend to every day. I really would rather not but guess what? I have to! My husband died of stage 4 doedenal cancer and he always had a positive attitude, so I know that I have to keep going on even though there are days that I don’t want to fight the fight!
    Today is a good day! Yesterday was a day that I couldn’t stop crying, but I promised my husband I would be OK.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    November 24th, 2015 at 12:33 PM

    Hi Monique,
    We almost share the same anniversary date, it was 3 months that my husband Mark passed away on November 21st. I know the pain you are in. We had been married for 33 years, no children we have had pets. It is the saddest thing that I have been thru and I have lost both parents. I do know that they would not want this for us. As horrible as it is today I have hope that eventually it will get better. I walk in to my house and it is empty, my heart aches and my friends think I should be better by now. They do not know the agony we face. Sometimes I have moments when I am okay and then I sink. Your children need you and he would want you to take care of yourself and them. As hard as it is, having them is such a blessing. This sounds so crazy but I realize that 1/2 of us will go thru this in a lifetime. Either we will go first, and believe me most days I wish I had gone first, although I think Mark would have had a terrible time alone, I think of that all day. Somehow people have managed to heal at some point, to go on and have a life, that we may have to create for ourselves. Right now I am crying as I write this. I want you to be better, I am wishing and hoping for you to be a little better. Suffering like this forever is unthinkable. Lets try to think of one positive thing that has happened in the past day, in the past hour. I think there will be a time when some light will shine on us.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    November 24th, 2015 at 4:19 PM

    Dear Jackie,

    Thank you for sharing. It sounds as if this is a difficult time for you, but you are not alone. Though the GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, you can use our site to search for a therapist or counselor in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    We wish you the best,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Trish

    November 24th, 2015 at 4:41 PM

    Thank you all for sharing…

    Reply

  • Rita

    November 25th, 2015 at 8:08 AM

    This will be the second Thanksgiving and Xmas spent without my Bruce. We had such joy at this time of year and as always enjoyed doing things together. I send out my thoughts to all of the widows/widowers on this blog fully understanding their sadness and hoping we can all find some comfort in sharing our stories with each other.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    November 30th, 2015 at 7:15 AM

    Hi Indirabijlall,
    I understand exactly what you are saying, my Mark was wonderful too and even when people have made donations and they say ” In Memory” , I can’t believe that – he is still with me , in memory sounds horrible. I walk outside and think, he is not in the present world with me. That is so, so difficult. It has been 3 months. This is one dark secret that no one shares – what it is like to lose a spouse that you loved so much. I do truly believe that they would not want us to feel so overwhelmingly sad, what would we have wanted for them, if we were the one’s to go first ? That sort of gets me through the days. We need to honour their memory by living the best that we can, it is so , so difficult but we have no choice.

    Reply

  • Linda

    November 30th, 2015 at 6:36 PM

    i really feel your pain

    Reply

  • natalie

    December 4th, 2015 at 2:29 PM

    I cant get over my husbands sudden death j went to sleep went to wake him n I couldnt I had to do compressions till ambulance crew came and they couldnt save j we were trying for children. I wanna join him because I know ee would be once more togethet lov u j xxxxxxxxx

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 4th, 2015 at 4:16 PM

    Dear Natalie,

    Thank you for your comment. We are very sorry to hear of your loss. Our blog is not a substitute for professional help, but the support of a therapist or counselor can often be helpful during the grieving process. You can find a list of mental health practitioners in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know that help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Jane

    December 7th, 2015 at 5:53 AM

    I lost my husband nearly 6 weeks ago, and all I wish for is to be reunited with him. We loved each other and had a beautiful marriage, then suddenly and unexpectedly, he was gone. Every day, the emptiness grows and I ache for him. I don’t know how to go on….

    Reply

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 12:17 PM

    Hi Jane, It has been five months for me. The first two months were excruciating. You go through an oxytocin, bonding hormone, withdrawal that is as bad as any drug withdrawal, coupled with the obvious emotional sense of hopelessness, and you do this without the person who has helped you through your worst times. This will be my first holiday season without my love, in 25 years. Maybe that is why now I am having a huge emotional setback, when I thought I was getting better the past 3 months.

    But I do believe it will get better for you. I went and got a very good male therapist, which is my lifeline. My friends just could not be there enough for me, so I am paying someone to help me through it. He is a CBT therapist, so we never talk about the past, not more than maybe a year ago.

    Also, I bought used from Amazon a small library of books on grief and widowhood. Anything that sounded helpful, I had shipped to me for around $4-$10. They were all used books, some just cost a penny, and then 3.99 shipping. These were very very helpful to me.

    I have two dogs, one of which my husband got for me a month before he died. I was thinking “oh please, not another complication of my life right now” (because he was in the last stages of cancer, etc) but then I gave in, and this little sweetie who is sleeping almost on top of me right now has saved my life. She gets me out of bed every morning, makes me laugh all day, and pushes me to get off the couch and into bed at night. She’s a little dog, and sleeps with me too. Both my dogs pester me to take them walking everyday, and that has helped me.

    Make no mistake, the color has gone from my life. I miss him every moment. I did not know that a person could feel this much pain and still be alive. I feel terrible because I still have a very strong sex drive, but I don’t want to ever be in love again. I feel like I look for him everywhere, that I still expect him to return, that I can’t wait to die so I can see him again. Quite a little hell on earth this is. And then, you think “Well, what are my options?” Try to make the best of the present, which you also feel as a betrayal of your love, your everything. So there is only one option, to make the best of your present life, always holding in your heart the love that you had.

  • Jane

    December 8th, 2015 at 8:16 AM

    Thank you Val for sharing with me. I can relate to everything you have written. I just do not know how I can go on without him. We were together for 14 years and he was my soulmate. He was my go to person for everything, and now when I am at the lowest point in my life, he is not here. We had no children and no pets, everyone else has a life to return to, but I have nothing, just emptiness, sadness and missing my husband so much. People have been very supportive and caring, but nearly 6 weeks on, I am starting to realise how lonely and empty my life is without him. I do not expect others to stop their lives for me but it only brings home how much I cannot go on without him. I think of him every minute and cry when alone a lot. I just cannot see how I can overcome my loss and try to do anything ever again. I constantly feel guilty eating anything he loved, cannot go to places he loved or we went together. I feel guilty I am here and he isn’t, he had so much to live for. Losing him has taken everything out of my life and I have no desire for anything, no motivation just constant sadness and despair.

    Thank you for being here xx

  • Val

    December 8th, 2015 at 11:12 AM

    Hi Jane, Six weeks is not a long time at all. I think I was just coming out of the shock phase and the brain fog at that time, which actually felt better than when I came out of it. I am so so sorry.

    This is probably going to sound like heresy, but you know, I think the old rules about waiting a year or so before you date, or six months or whatever, was back when women had a much stronger support network. And though I would have judged men who got engaged again quickly after their wife died, I am re-thinking it. Not that I have anybody in mind, and I don’t want to fall in love again, but missing your partner feels quite honestly, worse than death.

    Now I was on forums like this before Joe died and right after, and from the books I read, almost all the women feel just like we do now, but then after a year or two or more, get married again, and are really happy again. I never had kids either. We were trying when he got prostate cancer. The drugs for it make it so he can’t procreate. I agree that because we didn’t have kids, we really put all our emotional eggs in a basket with our husband. I have to say that around the time he died I read a LOT of books and forums and very few women were consoled, long term, by their children, even if they had several daughters. It is just a fact of the american society we have.

    When my mom died I was an adult and my boyfriend at the time, (not my husband) tried to make me feel bad about “living in your mom’s basement”. And he succeeded, I did feel bad about that, but at the same time, I felt really proud that I could be there for her for the first year after he died. I feel like I got to know her in a way that I never had (for good and for bad) :0

    Anyway, if it is at ALL possible for you to go to a pet adption place, I can’t reccommend it highly enough! Like I say, my husband kept pushing and pushing and pushing me to adopt a dog a month before he died. I went into my control freak mode and said no no no. Then I finally relented and my little doggie has totally saved me!

    One last thing. I had a big long dream about my husband this morning. In it he was as cute as always, and it was like he had resurrected, because I remember hugging him as if I knew he had died, but had come back. But also in the dream was him doing alll the things that drove me crazy and made our relationship difficult. Almost as if he was trying to tell me “hey, I WASN’T a saint!”

    Maybe your husband was a saint, mine was not! At alll! But I focused on the bad parts too much, rather than the good parts. That is what I wish I could go back and change.

    Jane, hang in there. It really does get better. The first two months were so bad for me I think I have blocked them out.

  • natalie

    December 7th, 2015 at 12:33 PM

    Me too jane j went for sleep n never woke up we are both 41 and we were trying for family. If you need to talk am here x

  • Jane

    December 8th, 2015 at 8:24 AM

    So sad…..and the suddenness of it all just like my husband so unexpected, makes it so hard. I struggle to accept it and sometimes feel like he will come back home. I am 42 and cannot see a long life ahead without him. I try but some times it just overwhelms me.
    He passed on 25 Oct and Christmas Day will be 2 months since. I just want to stay in bed and not do anything on the day. I feel so tears and sad today. Thank you for being here xx

  • Val

    December 6th, 2015 at 7:58 PM

    I was afraid that if I was at my husband’s side when he died, that my heart would break and that I would die right there with him. Now I wish that had happened. His friends and family give me grief about not being there with him, though they were of very little help when I took care of him almost exclusively for 3+years. It is hard to believe how selfish people can be. They criticized and offered little. Then starting the day after he died, his married and single male friends started visiting me daily, staying for an hour or more until I couldn’t take it, and had tell them no more visitors. What has gotten into people?

    I wasn’t the best caretaker in the history of the world. I want his forgiveness for that. He was so positive and helpful and cheerful all the time: to all the doctors and nurses and staff, for 3 years. And sometimes they were not nice, and he ignored it and saw the best in them. It humbled me to be with this man and watch him go through this terrible illness with class and forebearance, forgiving his friends and families… what I can only call sins, in some cases, against him. He was always thinking of others.

    It has been 5 months and I was doing so well. I think I have run out of house projects to do, and have allowed my thoughts to go deep. I get so tired of friend’s voices on the phone sounding pitiful. Almost pretending that they care, but don’t want to get too involved. I do understand why men get another mate so quickly. I don’t think they have recovered at all, or “moved on” or “gotten over it”. I think men get a new mate quickly because they fear for their life if they don’t. I think women are able to share our deepest feelings with each other , as on this forum, and can at least get some healing that way. Most men don’t have that outlet. I have great compassion for the men who start dating a month after their wife dies. Usually it is a statement of how deeply they did love her.

    Reply

  • Rita

    December 7th, 2015 at 7:32 AM

    Hello Val
    I can relate to you in so many ways. I was with my husband when he died and i still have severe guilt that maybe i didnt say or do everything he needed to help him or let him know how much i loved him. i dont think i could process the fact that he wasnt getting better and coming home this time. doctors and nurses used to call him stoick.. he never complained and would smile through his pain to make others feel better. my husband was also forgiving, patient and kind even on his worst days.
    i too experienced our male friends circling me like sharks which made me feel so uncomfortable and angry. how could people be so insensitive and disrespectful? i have had to distance myself from them and my friends and family that dont know how to talk to me anymore. we only make each other feel bad. i never thought about living this life being a widow or how i would continue,…i didnt think about pain and loneliness…i didnt think at all. i imagine this loneliness is why some people choose to move on to recreate another life so quickly while they are numb and missing their other half.
    I cry often and without warning.. being honest and sharing our stories has given me some daily comfort.

    Reply

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 11:27 AM

    Thanks so much for responding Rita! Well I guess that is why they call it widow-hood, because it is definitely a condition or state that we widows are in, that nobody else can relate to. Also I think marriages vary greatly in their closeness and intensity. When my Dad died, my Mom didn’t take it as badly as I am, I think. Also people born in the 1920’s had a different life. Everyone belonged to a church (speaking in general), and belonged to more organizations. They also took the pain of life more “bravely”, can I say? I don’t feel very brave, that’s for sure. Also I don’t know how to spell stoic-ly. I moved in with my mom when my dad died because I was still single. I wish I had a daughter to move in with me. I cooked my mom breakfast every morning for a year and she cooked dinner.

    It used to be that the man was more the provider figure. Sometimes he was much much more than that, a true soul mate, but sometimes he was mainly a provider and a father figure, a disciplinarian. You know what I mean. My husband and I worked together, played music together, made art together. We were definitely one of those couples that, if he was just going to the corner grocery for a gallon of milk, would ALWAYS ask me to come along. :) So definitely the first month of Oxytocin withdrawal is excruciating.

    I am so sorry that his friends were not respectful to you. Did it catch you by surprise like it did me? My husband even warned me that they would come after me but I thought he was trying to make me feel better about looking terrible from being sleep deprived, gaining 30# since he got sick, and going through menopause. So I could not believe they would make advances toward me in my extremely vulnerable state. Well you live and learn. Strange thing is they don’t really “like” me, in that there has never been a spark with any of them, and I’ve known them for 25 years. My husband was the leader of a very large group of people. Much loved, much admired, revered even by a very large circle of people. I now think these guys want to just brag that have spent time with “Joe’s wife”, and then let the other men draw some kind of picture from it, and it has nothing to do with me. Gosh, so flattered. Not. almost making myself nauseous here, better stop.

    But thanks so much Rita. I have not joined a local support group. Remember Grouch Marx’s saying “I would never want to join a club that would have me as a member” ? Well that is how I feel about joining a widow group. Just kidding, sort of. It has to be the worst group anyone could ever become a member of.

    Reply

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 11:34 AM

    Also Rita, I am SURE that you did everything you could to make your husband feel loved when he was dying. It is so difficult because in a way you feel like he is abandoning you, though logically you know that he does not want to die and does not want to abandon yoy. I feel like even though I told my husband many many times before he died how deeply and dearly I loved him, and I asked for forgiveness for everything I had ever done that had hurt him, also sometimes I found myself distancing myself from him, I guess because I felt maybe I would not hurt so much when he died? I don’t know. But Rita I am sure he knew how much you loved him and did everything to make him comfortable that you could.

    I asked my husband many times if he would speak to me from “the other side” and he does, all the time.

    Reply

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 1:46 PM

    I think the thing I miss most about my husband is this: though he would allow me to wallow in self-pity for a while, at some point, there would just be too much “to do” to think about it any more. Or he would say “OK, stop thinking about it for a while, let’s go… do something!” And then we would. If I had a set back or I drank too much one night, no big deal. He’d just take me out to a big Chinese dinner the next night. It was so helpful to have that male presence, that male force around (no matter how difficult it was to handle sometimes). It was action oriented. It was “Let’s solve this!”. And it didn’t matter sometimes that it was the totally wrong action to take. Just knowing that your knight was there, ready to take action, ready to call your mom for you, to take your side in your argument with your sister, to fix your car- just knowing that there was a strong, action oriented best friend in your corner, ready to take on the world for you -or just find your wallet for you when you were running late for work, it meant everything.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    December 7th, 2015 at 1:47 PM

    I am wondering if anyone else has had this experience, it is now 3.5 months since my husband Mark passed away. It seems so unreal, it was sudden. When I am at work I have a minute or two when I forget that he is gone. I want to tell him something that had happened at work, or a problem and then I realize I can’t. It is the absolute worst feeling. I remember when my mother passed away, I sometimes “forgot” for a few minutes and felt guilty about it. It did get me to a point of healing , because the longer you “forgot” the pain was lessened a bit. In this case, the “forgetting”, doesn’t seem like it will allow you to heal because the loss is so great and your life is affected in every possible way. I am not sure if this is making any sense.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 7th, 2015 at 4:23 PM

    Dear Jackie,

    Thank you for your comment. It can indeed be difficult to deal with loss, especially when your life is so greatly affected. Please know that if you would like to speak to a therapist or counselor, you can search for one using our site by entering your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    If you would like to speak to a grief counselor in particular, you can search for a therapist by specialty here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 10:29 PM

    Hi Jackie, yes it does make sense. I got the news weeks apart that both my mom and my husband had terminal cancer. When you have that long history with someone, it is like you develop your own language isn’t it? And when you want to tell them about something in your life, and then you remember “Oh, no, they are gone, can’t tell them”, in the next instant it is almost like your brain thinks ” Gosh I will have to learn a new language before this will mean anything to anyone”. There are so many things that I used to talk to my mom or my husband about, and I try telling a friend or even a brother or sister and…. it just, of course, isn’t the same.

    Reply

  • Rita

    December 7th, 2015 at 1:49 PM

    Val. thank you.. i think Bruce appreciated me being his caregiver.. and im sure your husband knows how much you loved him too while caring for him for those 3+ years. that is not easy i know…there was alot going on for you with menopause etc.. ive been that route as well… Bruce warned me that men were making themselves available or showing interest..but i blew it off. i was indeed surprised and hurt when i had surprise visits and attention i never asked for… it has gotten better though – i think my message is getting through.
    When my dad died Bruce and i were married and expecting our first child….dad died suddenly and i know my moms world was shaken, confused, and saddened, but i dont think it was to the extent that i have felt either and i do think it was due to that generation also. my mom wasnt completely alone, having us both, her mom and many sisters for extra support. unfortunately i am alone except for our two adult sons… one is recently married and both work extreme hours. no grandchildren yet..
    Bruce and i were best friends. i was 18 and he was 20 when we met. i was very lucky to have known and loved such a wonderful man for 40 years. i know there will never be another man in my life…except for my sons and possible grandsons… no one could ever be such a dedicated honest interesting fun companion that i could always count on. Like you we went everywhere together…sometimes stopping for ice cream or coffee and dessert….i miss those moments…It certainly sounds as though you and your husband had the same special relationship we shared…no one can take those from us.

    Reply

  • Val

    December 7th, 2015 at 10:20 PM

    Someone here wrote a lovely analogy of two tree’s roots growing together. That is what makes it so difficult. It isn’t one person you are losing, it becomes a system of roots, your shared love becomes an entity itself. So when that person goes, the whole system crashes with it. Well not the entire system, but the entire system is affected. I don’t know much about computers but it seems like it isn’t just like losing a bunch of files, though that can be very maddening, but instead that the entire operating system is malfunctioning. Parts are missing everywhere, viruses are introduced and programs aren’t running right. Except the operating system is your heart, and your brain. I thought I had accepted what has happened. And suddenly, it is like I am only now, five months after Joe died, suddenly realizing he isn’t coming back.

    I put an old photo slideshow on my screensaver, a whole bunch of photos from before he got sick. It was wonderful but I don’t know, perhaps it is better to stay in the present. I am getting too nostalgic. It is too hard to remember how happy we were, and contrast that with now. Maybe it would be better if I didn’t remind myself of the contrast. Thanks everyone for the kind words and all of your open hearted outpourings. :)

    Reply

  • Doren

    December 7th, 2015 at 4:30 PM

    Thank you for sharing all your experiences. My husband passed away 2 months ago and we just got married December of 2013. We were in a long distance relationship since 2006 and waited to be finally married after 7-8 years. And then this happened. It feels like I might as well be dead, everything is so heavy and difficult. I’m just keeping my faith in God, always praying for strength and sanity. I just go through the day because I need to. I miss my husband so much.

    Reply

  • Val

    December 8th, 2015 at 11:25 AM

    Hi Doren,

    I am so sorry. I feel just as you do. I waited a long time to marry my husband. I do wish that I had married him within the first 2-3 years. I don’t know if you regret waiting, but there is so much about our relationship that I, at least, would have changed. Of course, the things that I did. I’m torn between poring over all of it and trying to learn lessons from it, and just “moving on” and doing the best I can next time.

    Reply

  • Doren

    December 8th, 2015 at 1:51 PM

    Thanks Val. I don’t feel any regret about the time we waited before getting married, it’s needed under the circumstance, I perfectly understand that. What I’m having a hard time right now is I can’t understand why he left so early in our marriage. We barely started. I guess, I’m still in this stage of disbelief and unacceptance. Everything is truly painful.

  • Val

    December 8th, 2015 at 10:34 PM

    Hi Doren,

    I know it’s really unbelievable how painful it is. There was a woman on this forum who had only been married a week. And then some have been married over 50 years. I read one book on widowhood where a woman went to a widow support group and there was a woman there who was 94 and her husband had just died and he was 96. And that 94 year old woman thought “but he went so soon”. I think that when you lose your one and only, you can just never believe it. I’ve been crying a lot this week, I think it’s because Christmas is coming up. But in a way I think it has been good for me. I’ve been keeping a stiff upper lip for a while and I guess it’s good to have a good cry. But I think I will go off this forum for a while so I don’t get too sad. All the best Doren, it will get better. xx Val

  • Jackie

    December 8th, 2015 at 7:06 AM

    I know how you feel, I also feel so guilty for everything that I said that was not nice, or was critical over the years, I don’t think I was always that nice and I know I took him for granted – I am so sorry, so, so sorry. I hope he knows that I love him. It does feel like 3/4 of me is gone right now. This is the part in wedding vows, til death do us part tnat we actually can’t imagine.

    Reply

  • Deborah

    December 9th, 2015 at 10:21 PM

    Jackie, I so understand what you are saying. I ruminate constantly over how impatient or snappy I could be with my good natured husband who never was short with me. I am always talking to him and telling him how sorry I am. The guilt eats at me, yet knowing my David, he probably never thought twice about it.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    December 8th, 2015 at 9:53 AM

    I keep writing here, people will get sick of hearing from me. Jane I know exactly how you feel, we had no children either. I do have a cat and that has been fortunate. I am also an only child who has lost both parents. It is so lonely. When I am at work, I have my work life a bit, I have a responsible job. Then I think of Mark, and the emptiness I feel. I miss him so much, I understand about the food, I feel that way too. When I drive around my city I see every place we have ever gone. I am always on the verge of tears or crying. When you don’t have children you tend to go out often and do so much together. It is like 3/4 of me is missing. I am so sorry you are having a bad day, it is horrible timing for the anniversary date as well. It is very overwhelming, just going to the grocery store is awful. I feel the same about life and the future. I know they would not want that for us. Thank you for sharing, you have made me feel like I am not crazy. At least we know we have the people here that understand, even though everyone’s circumstances are different. Last night something happened on the news, something he would have been so interested in and we have the same feelings about the subject. I had no one to share it with, that could really appreciate my feelings. We would have talked about it. Even when something funny comes up that I know he would find funny ( I don’t laugh at it), I just recognize it as funny, and he is not there. They are a reflection of you, it is so , so difficult. This is a loss that I had never really heard talked about until I was in it myself. You always hear about people losing children and how awful that is, and I am sure it is. I think because it is common for people to lose a spouse ( it should not happen when they are young), that everyone assumes that we somehow adjust. It is truly the worst pain I can ever imagine. Jane, if you are still home, get out of bed and do one little thing, clean a counter, or the sink – go out and get some air. Lately I have felt that bright light helps a bit. You do still exist, I see glimpses of myself sometimes, you will too.

    Reply

  • Jane

    December 11th, 2015 at 9:02 AM

    Thanks Jackie. I understand how we are trying to deal with our new terrible reality is only something we can understand. My husband Eddie got me, so much I can’t share with others as they wouldn’t understand it as only he would. To never see or hear him again, touch him and always feel safe and protected around him are things I have to get used to never experiencing again. I feel I do not want to go on without him, it will be a sad and lonely life. We did most things together hence almost everything now cannot be the same and I cannot handle it. I wish we had even had a chance to say good bye, it all happened so quickly and so unexpectedly. This forum helps me feel a sense of shared grief even though our circumstances are so different.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    December 8th, 2015 at 7:12 PM

    I know exactly how you feel..I lost my husband on November 17. It is just so surreal and I cry a lit when I’m alone. His closet is filled with his clothes..his chair sits empty in the family room..I’m sad, our dog is sad. I can’t even believe that I will ever feel any differently. I have never lived alone. We were married for 55 years, I went from my parents home to marrying Jim. The song..how am I supposed to live without you when I’ve been loving you for so long, how am I supposed to live without you when all that I’ve been living for is gone goes round in my head. I guess when you have no choice you just go on.

    Carolyn

    Reply

  • Joanne R

    December 11th, 2015 at 3:15 PM

    Carolyn, I also lost my husband on Nov 17. We were married for 45 years and have 4 children 7 grandchildren and 3 great grands. I feel just like you do. I’m just barely living and sometimes wish I wasn’t.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 11th, 2015 at 3:45 PM

    Dear Joanne,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute for professional help, but it is often helpful to work through grief with the support of a therapist or counselor. You can locate a mental health professional in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know that you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Jackie

    December 9th, 2015 at 12:47 PM

    Hi Doren,
    I know how you feel, as I said before I am 3.5 months into this horrible new reality. I also feel like I can’t do it. I walk outside and cannot believe that Mark is not in the world with me, he was 56. It is like your whole world is gone. I have said I sometimes see glimpses of another world at some point, it is so, so, difficult – I keep reliving his life for the past year, and the horrible day it happened – it was sudden. I feel like there is nothing/no one holding me up most of the time. There is no go to person, our security has been stolen from us. We are still standing, however, if we are living we deserve a life . I know you miss him so much, our hearts our weeping for them. I also think and know they would not want us this unhappy. It is so, so, difficult to even think of moving forward without them, but we have no choice and they would not want this for us. You are not alone. I am constantly thinking, if we had been the one to go, would we want them to be this sad all the time, no we would not. We would want the sun to shine on them again and have happiness. We just have to get there.

    Reply

  • Deborah

    December 9th, 2015 at 10:12 PM

    It will be one year on December 15 since I lost my precious husband. Our 41st anniversary would have been in October. It almost seems like I am back at “square one” in terms of grief. Since our anniversary rolled around, quickly followed by the holiday season, I have been terribly depressed. My David was the most sweet tempered, kind and loving person I’ve ever known. I always felt so lucky to have had such a wonderful husband. I am one of 8 children and 4 of my brothers and sisters died at relatively young ages, so I always felt I would die before David. I always told him if anything happened to me I wanted him to marry, or at least have another close meaningful relationship. I would have never wanted him to continue through life alone. He deserved a lovely life shared with someone special.
    David died very suddenly and unexpectedly and my happy life ended. I feel like I’ve been thrown into a black hole. I really didn’t know it was possible to cry every day for a year. I know David would also want me to have someone to share life with. I think I want that too, when I think of it in a sort of abstract way, but when I think of the reality of someone else ever being in my life, I can’t imagine it.
    I am told time is my friend. I guess I just need more time to adjust to this new life I never wanted. I wonder if I will ever experience joy again.

    Reply

  • Rita

    December 13th, 2015 at 10:22 AM

    I havent written in a while.. im so afraid of sounding narcissistic,,,i am having such a difficult time being around my friends and family…its no wonder i spend so much time alone… it seems they want me to view this new world of mine with new hope and fresh aspirations while distancing myself from memories of my husband and our former life to make new memories….painful or not…they comfort me…it feels as though i have been given me a time slot to follow for their convenience for grieving…i dont want to hear today is first day of the rest of my life or i need to move on….it is not helpful…i feel dismissed and like i am a disappointment to others….does any one else experience this ?

    Reply

  • Jane

    December 13th, 2015 at 10:20 PM

    Rita, I experience some of what you describe. People around me are planning Christmas, but for me it is not Christmas. On that day it will be exactly 2 months since my husband died, it cannot be Christmas! I prefer to do absolutely nothing on that day, but that does not seem acceptable. I get it is with the best intention, but I just lost the most important person in my life and my life cannot be normal and neither can I enjoy it. Part of me really wishes it was not Christmas at all.
    I also get people saying I have to start my new life but I do not want to. I just want the life I have had with my husband and I do not want to forget or throw away my past with him. It is all I have now and all I can cling to.

    Reply

  • Carole

    December 13th, 2015 at 8:03 PM

    I know Rita people can be so insensitive. Especially this time of year. My husband just died in Oct. and people are telling me to ” have a nice Christmas” …really ? ! Its because people are so surface level. Just like when people in general ask each ” how are you doing “….it’s merely conversation, something to say, they don’t mean it and most don’t really care. Its become robotic in our society. Someone sent me a Christmas card yesterday that read ” Merry Christmas…..have a wonderful festive season with the ones you love ” . Really ? I would never send that card to someone who had just lost their spouse ( or child or family member), if that card was from a box and they were sending all their friends the same card I would have bought a special different card for the one in mourning if I *really* cared about them. Another person left me a voice message asking how I am and telling me to have a nice holiday ! Maybe I’m ultra sensitive but little things like this irk me.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    December 14th, 2015 at 6:53 AM

    Hi Rita and Carole,
    You are not alone with this experience. I am being told that I can have an exciting new life, that there is a world of possibilities for me to explore. My Mark passed away in August. My memories are keeping me going, but sometimes a memory is so acutely sad, I mean it is a good memory but it is like it was yesterday. It is mostly memories of ongoing things we did together. Something going for coffee, I can actually picture him sitting in his usual spot at Starbucks, that hurts so much. He died suddenly, so there was no advance warning. I don’t think people really think about what they are saying, I think they don’t know what to say. It is better to say nothing than continue to open the wounds we have. I am ultra sensitive too, I think it will make me more aware of what not to do in the future if I have people in my life going through this. People think we should be over it by now, if several months have passed. Their world hasn’t been torn apart, they have their lives to go back to, ours feels like they have been shaken upside down and tossed in the trash. It isn’t that easy to just re-invent ourselves. I hope we will be able to, but the journey is so very, very difficult. We just get through one day and hope to have some okay moments. There is a future, I am sure finding it is going to be a monumental undertaking.

    Reply

  • Rita

    December 14th, 2015 at 10:40 AM

    Jane, Carole and Jackie,
    Thank you for sharing your feelings…i appreciate your conversation so much…i know you understand what i am going through every day and night…our time with our husbands was so precious and it is so painful to be without them…especially during holidays while others around us have joy…

    Reply

  • Jackie

    December 14th, 2015 at 12:24 PM

    Hi Rita,
    It is a horrible club that we belong to now. It is painful, like a wound no different – a very slow healing wound. I do understand exactly how you are feeling. I am already thinking of the summer – “who will I go for ice cream with”, it sounds so stupid to someone who hasn’t been down this road but each and every little thing has changed in our lives. I roll towels a certain way for a basket in the washroom, I was doing that yesterday and thought, what does it matter – I am the only one who see’s them . I often feel like I have become invisible. Our husbands were our back up, our safety net, it feels very unstable and unsafe without them. I here a car outside, locking a door ( the horn peeps for a second) and I think it is Mark coming home, and then I realize no he is not coming home. So many sad moments for us. We need some peace and joy – maybe we can find a bit somewhere, they truly would not want us to be so sad all of the time. I just know that in my heart.

    Reply

  • Rosa

    December 14th, 2015 at 5:36 PM

    That is true, Rita, many people could be so cruel to tell us that we are slow not to move on. How could they? Even my own family does not understand.. My sisters, my mom, my mom in -law (my late husband’s mom), his cousins, even our pastor– they all tell me that I should move -on.. How can I ? That night that my beloved husband was found dead in Philadelphia Airport (he was supposed to pick me up-a;ready almost 9 months now), and everything else is so vivid in my memory.. How could I forget? I just spoke to him. He was gonna come to pick me up.. And then, he was already dead.. Oh my God!!! And now all the firsts: First Thanksgiving Day, First birthday again I am alone, First Christmas, etc. I miss my husband terribly! I dont know what to look for anymore.. He was the only man I would like to love.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    December 15th, 2015 at 6:56 AM

    Hi Rosa,
    It has been almost 4 months for that Mark is gone. I know exactly what you mean, I have been getting that as well, move on etc. I feel like I just spoke to him as well, I remember my last conversation, what we were going to do for the rest of that horrible day, I had the day off and we were out doing errands – I just found my list in the purse I was using that day. That would be terrible waiting for him to pick you up , I am so, so, sorry that happened to you. I think possibly some of us that lost their spouse suddenly like that are still in shock, it doesn’t seem possible they could be here one minute and not here the next. Today is my birthday and I was dreading it, so far it isn’t as bad as I thought. I think his first birthday will be very difficult. You miss them so much and only we can understand how much. Our lives have been changed irrevocably.

    Reply

  • Kathi

    December 15th, 2015 at 10:14 AM

    I am wondering about finding any meaning again in my life, also. I lost my husband in an accident three years ago, and am still crying everyday. I am ashamed to tell friends how much I am still grieving because it has been so long. We were looking forward to a retirement of travel and relaxation together, and our future wasjust stolen in a moment. I am not interested in another relationship. I only irrationally want my husband back. I have tried therapy, with limited results. Am I going to spend the rest of my life crying?

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 15th, 2015 at 11:11 AM

    Dear Kathi,

    We are sorry for your loss. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Sandra

    December 16th, 2015 at 5:23 AM

    Hi Kathi
    I too lost my husband three years ago on 23rd October 2012. We were married for 47 years and not a day has gone by that I have not felt so deeply saddened. You are right, people including family and friends would not understand so you tend not to say too much but grieve in silence. I have been seeing a grief councillor for all of this time and it has helped me a little. In saying that, I am not coping at all at the moment, I am reluctant to talk to my children as I do not want them to worry, they are very supportive but they have their own lives and families. I am not sure how much longer I can keep up this pretences of all being ok. I am in a very dark place at the moment.
    I am so sorry for your loss and know the pain you are in
    Take care of yourself
    Sandra

    S

    Reply

  • Rosa

    December 15th, 2015 at 5:10 PM

    Jackie, A Birthday greeting to you! I dont know how to greet you except wish you well somehow. I went for a grief counseling provided by the Life insurance company but I didn tlike it. I attended 3 sessions only and I stopped. It was something I thought I didnt need. This website is what makes me get some consolation when I read other widows’ stories and sharing of feelings. Jackie, be strong. let us all be strong. It is difficult but we must. It is natural to grieve.. it is something we need to give ourselves to feel and share the deep sorrow.. Let us continue praying for the strength and the wisdom to understand all these that happened.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    December 16th, 2015 at 12:12 PM

    Hi Rosa and Kathi, Rosa thank you for the birthday greetings !! I am on my way to a grief session in about 45 minutes, you do feel slightly better after you leave , but right now it doesn’t last. I go about my life but there is no joy in it. I am so happy I found this website . Others understand what we are going through. It is a deep sorrow and sadness. We do need the strength and wisdom to grief and heal. Kathi, it has only been 4 months for me, so I don’t know what the years ahead will bring. When our lives are changed in such a dramatic way so quickly it is like the we are on a different planet and everything is so strange. Our plans are tossed out. We do need to be strong and just breathe a breath at time. If we have a good moment we can be grateful for that. Even though I feel it has been a short time, people are starting to expect me to be better already, start my new life ( whatever that is), move on. Those people I am sure mean well but they have probably not experienced this. It is much easier for them to say than for us to actually feel and move on. Kathi, I am so hoping you get a little break from your sadness, I didn’t know your husband but I am sure he would want you to have happiness. He is probably looking at you and saying, please Kathi, get better – I want you to be part of life, live for both of us.

    Reply

  • Rita

    December 16th, 2015 at 7:08 PM

    Jackie..wishing you belated birthday greetings..i know its so different now, but im sure you felt Mark wrapping his arms around you…i took comfort in that for my birthday…
    Sandra… i relate to your silent grief as i do the same.. smiling and talking in front of the world all awhile crumbling inside..its exhausting..i find refuge in my car and at home..then i talk to my husband….i think we are all allowed to slowly settle into the life that has been left for each one of us on our own time…never forgetting or leaving our precious memories or past because they are part of who we are…and i take comfort in that..
    We are so fortunate to have experienced such a deep love……

    Reply

  • Jackie

    December 17th, 2015 at 7:15 AM

    Thank you so much Rita ! I thought it would be a terrible day, but it actually wasn’t that bad, I am thinking that Mark’s birthday will be very sad. I do feel his presence. I think it will be silent grief eventually because people move on and think we should have moved on also. If you haven’t experienced it yourself I don’t think you realize how horrible and life changing it actually is. I find comfort in my home now too, at first I didn’t want to be there , now I am happy to go home, even though it is empty, at least my cat is there to greet me. We are fortunate, I think that is why it hurts so much. Rita, you are right it is so exhausting smiling on the outside, and crumbling on the inside. Wandering around the grocery store, seeing places you have been as you are driving around. Lets hope for slightly less crumbling and better feelings and comfort.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    December 17th, 2015 at 6:40 PM

    It will be three years the day after Christmas since Steve passed away from esophageal cancer at 61. We were married 40 years. Christmas is so hard for me because it has always been my favorite holiday. I always so looked forward to Church with the family, decorating, wrapping gifts for the children and grandchildren, and most of all baking and the Christmas dinner together. I still make every effort to keep it going cheerfully but I am hurting inside so much and it’s hard to hide. It is helpful to have this website for a sense of “it’s ok to still hurt after three years this much” miss him so much. My way of dealing is to go constantly always to be busy. No down time. It’s kind of like avoidance so then I don’t give myself a chance to go down the depression road.

    Reply

  • Sharon

    December 21st, 2015 at 8:42 AM

    Hi Kathy,

    I lost the love of my life to cancer on April 12, 2015. We had been married 44 years and had known each other for 51 years. Alan was the love of my life. We did everything together. He treated me like a princess every day of my like. I still cannot believe that he is gone. I continue on with my life each day trying to find some peace and happiness. However, I think of him all of the time. I cry way too much. Alan left me an audio of our life together. He talks about everyone in our family and thanks them for all the happiness they brought to his life. I listen to his voice every day and it seems to help. I love hearing his voice everyday. It is very comforting. Friends have said that I should try not to listen to it because it will just make me feel more depressed. My sister, brother-law, Godson, his wife, and new baby all live in another state. I am thinking of moving there to be with them. My friends tell me to think it over before I make the move. My sister would like me to move and be with her family. How does one go on after such a painful loss? The holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries are difficult for me. People in general do not understand what I am going through. Hopefully, this is a site that I can talk with people that are going through the same thing that I going through.

    Reply

  • Delores

    December 22nd, 2015 at 5:46 PM

    Sharon thanks for sharing. I lost my husband 1 week ago after arriving in rehab to come home. I need closure to find out exactly what led up to his passing. Besides the usual heart attack. We were married 43yrs. I met him when I was 17. No words spoken to me right now, can touch on how I feel. Half my soul is gone. I’m lost & I cry at any moment. I feel like the outside of me is moving but my soul is in one place. I have the support of my grown children, but its so hard to digest.

  • Sharon

    December 22nd, 2015 at 8:09 PM

    Hi Delores,
    You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I am happy that you have children. I found out when I was 32 that I could not have children. That was very devastating. The loss of the love of your life is heartbreaking. I know exactly how you are feeling. When my husband passed, I was under doctor’s care for 7 weeks. I still continue to wander around the house not knowing how I am suppose to continue with my life. I am sure God has a plan for me and he has a plan for you. However, I cannot figure it out. I still cry everyday, when I am in my car, at home, at the store. The pain is horrible even after 8 months. I try to keep busy. I am a teacher but I gave up my full time position. I now only teach part time. The children do bring joy to my life. As soon as I leave school, I am unhappy and afraid of where my life is going. Friends and family really do not understand the pain that we endure every waking minute. They will ask, how are you doing. I just answer that I am fine. But both of us know that that is not true. I went to one support group, but that did not help. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Please keep in touch.

  • David

    December 20th, 2015 at 9:13 AM

    My mum died in June3rd 2014 and I lost my wife in July 5th 2015. She had lupus at the age of 47. I always thought I’d be fine. I am pragmatic and hold the philosophy that we all have to go at some point. I have 3 grown children in their 20’s living at home which has helped. Also I have been very busy working in films and tv but despite all of this I hurt all over. At the time of writing this it is 17.05pm on Sunday 20th Dec 2015 and I am crying. I still have to face the first Christmas Boxing day and New year without her. Valentines day my sons 21st our Anniversary Mothers Day My birthday and her birthday. My friends say I am an inspiration because i have continued to be me. Laughing joking and messing around as I always have done. Truth is its a facade. A lie. I am a broken man who is scared of what the future holds without my first real love.We met when we were 16yrs old and now I am alone. Sometimes I wish my kids were married with families because I could then end my life.
    Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all as I know exactly how you feel.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    December 21st, 2015 at 8:38 AM

    Hi David,
    I do know how you feel, I also met my husband at 16 and it has now been 4 months today since he has been gone. I also feel broken and afraid of the future, my tears are always present and friends and family think we should be better by now. It is so, so, difficult the most difficult thing we may ever have to go through. I am trying to look ahead and see that eventually there may be some light at the end of this sad, horrible , indescribably heart breaking experience we are now living. There has to be, so many others have walked this path and seem to heal a bit eventually. Our spouses would want that for us, as we would have wanted that for them. It almost feels surreal sometimes, I often feel I don’t exist without my Mark – but we do. We owe it to them to find life again.

    Reply

  • Letta t

    December 21st, 2015 at 2:01 PM

    Hi I am a32yrs woman I lost my husband on 8august 2015,I can’t forget that day,it was on Friday afternoon when I received a cal from his mobile number a lady informed me that my husband is not well she was sitting next to him in a taxi, I waited 4 him on his arrival he was really sic complaining about the pain on his chest, he didn’t want to go to hospital I had to go with him to Limpopo from mpumalanga on our way back the following day he died in my hands,,he was 42 I have been with him since18 yrs he was my everything how do I move on everything in the house remind me of him even my clothes postmortem says he died from heart failure, his family blames me for his death they even cal me names I have three kids pls help me heal this pain is too much I don’t think I will be able to love again loosing a partner is hard

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 21st, 2015 at 4:13 PM

    Dear Letta,

    Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we would like to encourage you to reach out. If you would like to locate a therapist or counselor in your area, you can search for one using our site.

    To see a list of mental health professionals in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Bette R

    December 21st, 2015 at 2:48 PM

    Hello Sharon – I just read your story and wanted to share some things that I thought may be helpful to you. You can see my story under – Bette, posted on August 23, 2015 at 9:15 a.m. on this site – it’s similar to yours, both in terms of the length of time we were married/together and the horrid disease that took my husband’s life. In my case, my husband was unable to speak most of the last year of his life, so what we were doing was texting back and forth to one another on our cell phones during that time – perhaps I’d be out getting groceries, or he’d be in our bedroom and I’d be in the kitchen – and we’d shared some of the most delightful, lovely and wonderful text conversations with one another – and I absolutely treasure them and will, for the remainder of my life — and like you “listening” to the audio tape your husband made, they bring tremendous comfort to me personally! Which in hindsight now, have been one of only a few sources of comfort when you’re going through those initial months! In March of 2016 it will be two years since my husband passed away and I have read and re-read those texts and slowly moved forward in my life. I think for most of us who have spent almost our entire life with one person, it’s not a relationship that you move forward from easily, and because of that close bond, we don’t want to move on without taking/having them with us! I’ve come to realize that unless you’ve had a similar life-changing experience with loss – it’s not something most people are able to feel, understand, or fully comprehend. No to mention that we’re all different and respond differently to grief! It sounds to me as though listening to your husband’s tape provides a wealth of comfort that will, in the long term, enable you to move forward — I found this grieving thing to be a very slow going process and I wouldn’t place any pressure on yourself to put it behind you — if you’re open to what’s happening in your life and the total life-changing event that you have and are experiencing, there is much to be learned and understood. Also, just in reference to your consideration about moving – if you are able to stay in place for 12-18 months before making that kind of decision, I would do so. Unless you’re uncomfortable about being alone. In my case, our children were grown and no longer living at home so when my husband passed away, it left me alone in our home, and I prefer that, as opposed to living with family members or friends — but that may just be my personal preference. So take your time and sort out what YOU really want going forward. My most positive thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Reply

  • Sharon

    December 21st, 2015 at 4:21 PM

    Thank you Bette for your thoughts and insights. I know that I need to move on but I think of him just about every waking minute. If I move to another state, it will only help that I am with family. In the home we shared for all of the years, there are so many wonderful memories. However, I am unhappy coming home knowing that he will never come back. Hopefully, in the next life we will be reunited. I try to keep busy.

    Reply

  • Carole

    December 21st, 2015 at 7:39 PM

    ***David I am so sorry for your loss. Hug. I too lost two who I was very close to within 18 months. My only sibling-sister in 4/14 and now 10/15 my husband. Both my parents are gone and I have no children so I have no family. I wonder why I have been left here alone to watch each die and care for them in their dying, well that part was a privilege and blessing from God I believe, that I got to care for them. I can’t help feeling that I am next…for some reason God felt I should be the one to care for them all first and then it would be my turn.
    ____________________________________________________________________________________________
    I spent the day going through and sorting pictures. I want to make a memory album for each one I have lost, my husband, my only sibling(sister who died 4/14) and my Mom and Dad. Of course I ended up crying. I am so glad I am the type who saved everything, I saved every birthday, Valentines Day and Anniversary card he gave me. I also saved several love letters he wrote me, for so many years he worked swing shift and I worked 9-5, so we would not see each other much during the week. He left for work at 4 I got home at 5. He cooked his own dinner and left me a plate wrapped up every day. He’d get home at 2am and I’d already be in bed asleep. When I think of all the time we lost that way that normal couples had there evenings together. He would sometimes write me 2 or 3 pages letters before he went to work and leave them on the table, I saved them all. So glad I did, now I cherish them. I saw the doctor a few days ago and now I have high blood pressure, I went in because I kept having heart palpitations. She did an EKG and it was fine but I go back in two weeks and if they BP is not down she will put me on BP meds. Its from stress. I don’t feel stressed but she said my body is reacting to his death.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    December 22nd, 2015 at 6:17 AM

    Hi Carole,
    I am so sorry for the loss of your David. I am also in a similar boat, Mark and I had no children and I am an only child, my parents are also both gone. I often feel very alone in the world, even though I have friends around me. I feel we are still left here for a reason so we must try to live, taking baby steps every day. It is so difficult, my Mark had a heart problem for many years, so I always thought that at some point I may be alone, I guess I was always trying to prepare myself somewhat. Nothing prepares you for this new reality. We just have to keep trying for them, they would want us to live while we are alive.

    Reply

  • candice

    December 23rd, 2015 at 2:20 AM

    My husband just died last week and I’m not doing good I here him talking to me and he’s not there. If there is anyone that could possibly help me please do so.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 23rd, 2015 at 8:37 AM

    Hi Candice,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. There are many mental health professionals that specialize in helping people process and understand loss like the one you’re experiencing.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Wishing you the best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Sharon

    December 23rd, 2015 at 9:15 AM

    Hello Candice,

    I understand completely what you are going through. I feel your pain and unhappiness. You will cry a lot and the pain is unbearable. However, some of the things that I am doing to help me is: pray to God everyday, make sure that you take care of yourself, eat healthy, and sleep the best you can. Last April, 2015 when my husband passed away, I could not sleep more than1 or 2 hours per day, now I can sleep 7 hours per day, I talk to my husband even though he does not answer, sometimes I think that there is a spiritual presence. I still cry everyday, but I try to get out of the house and do things with my friends. Talk with your friends and family, that will help a little. However, when I return home, he is not there and I cry. Hopefully, this is not self-pity. I know my husband would not want me to be unhappy but this is going to be a long process. I did lose 18 pounds and lost 1/3 of my hair due to stress and that is because of the constant dwelling on my loss. If anyone else has some ideas, please let us know.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 23rd, 2015 at 11:55 AM

    Dear Sharon,

    Thank you for your comment. We appreciate your contribution to the discussion. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. When stressed and affected by loss, it is often helpful to consult with a qualified mental health professional.

    You can find a list of therapists and counselors in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • John

    December 24th, 2015 at 5:34 PM

    My wife passed away within 4 months of being diagnosed with leukemia. We had been together for 59 years and I am finding it difficult to cope with her loss after just a short quick illness that took her away from me. I try to keep myself busy but this is just a short term process and the grief keeps returning. I keep in touch with my children and grandchildren but I feel that I am interfering with their lifestyle. I am at my wits end as to how much longer I am able to cope with the heavy grief that is over powering me, especially at this time of year, Christmas. My wife passed away in just over on month away.

    Reply

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    December 24th, 2015 at 7:30 PM

    Dear John,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide a link to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have some information for you about what to do if you are in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Karen

    December 25th, 2015 at 4:18 PM

    I’m so sorry John but all I can offer is to go slow take one day at a time my husband died just on 14 months now and the days are long and lonely but we all keep going on we just have to the memories will never leave us and I hold dear to them so will you please take care

    Reply

  • Rita

    December 26th, 2015 at 12:29 PM

    John
    My husband of 40 years passed away 19 months ago today also from Leukemia… i miss him every day and night. I truly understand all of the emotions that you are experiencing because of this devastating loss. I also agree with Karen about slowly taking a little step every day while embracing all your memories… those cannot be taken away… they are precious just as your love for your wife is forever. This has been a bittersweet process for me as with most of the stories you have read. we are allowed to take all the time we need to grieve… Some days are more difficult like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries. I can tell you that keeping busy and my mind active does help get me though some of the loneliness. When i feel the world closing in from the silence I go out to a busy noisy spot like a mall or bookstore and just sit back and listen to life… sometimes i get in the car and just drive with our favorite music… i cry, i yell, i talk to the cat, always talking to my husband because he is never gone.

    You will find your place of comfort that is right for you as this world goes on around us. Please take care

    Reply

  • Cathy

    December 27th, 2015 at 10:50 AM

    I lost my husband of 36 years 6months ago from a massive heart attack in his sleep. He was only 56. My world became colorless and my joy and happiness erased. The loneliness is unbearable and the silence in our home is deafening. I have two grown daughters who are married and each with a child. My two grandsons and my daughters are my salvation right now. Without their love and support, I would not want to continue on in a world without my Ben. It is a season of “firsts” that I am now experiencing with very little joy. So far, Christmas has been the worst. Dreading the month of January as the new year rolls in and I have to face my first New Years Eve alone, our 37th wedding anniversary alone on Jan. 6 and his birthday on January 20th. It feels like there is no time to breathe or to process all of this so soon. Miss him so much and am in so much emotional pain that I wonder how I am still able to go on. Most days it’s me being robotic and numb that helps me get out of bed and on with my day. Other days I can’t get out of bed and stay in my home crying. Have been in a grief support group for a few months as well as seeing a grief therapist who also lost her husband unexpectedly at the age of 47 from a heart attack. So, it has been helpful to share my feelings with others that are experiencing the same type of loss and getting some insight from those at various stages of their grief. I have read almost every book on grief and losing a spouse to sharing on wonderful grief sites such as this. I think that this is especially a hard time when the holidays come around and it will probably feel like this for some time to come. But I also need to believe and hope that with time will also come some glimmer of renewed joy and happiness as I make my way into this unwanted but inevitable life. My love for my husband is so strong and with such intensity that it has not died and never will. Therefore, he will live on forever in my heart, my dreams and my memories. Just wish the pain wasn’t so great but I guess that is the price we pay for loving so much.

    Reply

  • Sharon

    December 27th, 2015 at 4:12 PM

    Hi Cathy,
    I share your pain and unhappiness. It is definitely a new life and I really don’t know from day to day where my life is going. It is a feeling of loneliness and unhappiness. The new year will be difficult for me since my husband’s birthday is on January 7. I have so may dreams and memories that I will continue to hold close to my heart. Right now, I am I Texas with my family and it is such a wonderful comfort being in a home with my family. I can talk with them and it takes my mind off of the sadness. My great nephew who is almost 5 months brings joy to my life. It is unfortunate that I have to return to my home. I think that it is important to look forward to any upcoming trips to Texas and I look forward to my sister coming to Wisconsin. I am so glad that I can talk with people on this site who understand. Thank you for sharing and listening.

    Reply

  • berna

    December 27th, 2015 at 1:53 PM

    Hi,

    i have been reading sites like this since my husband died only 10 days ago, with the hope of finding a little comfort from the stories of other people who experienced the same grief. we got married last sept 28th 2015 and were only given a chance to live as husband and wife for 10 days for he had to leave me and go back to his work in a far away country. We’re only 28 years old but we’ve been together for almost 7 years when we decided to get married. i never had other relationships, we were highschool friends, separated at college and met again after graduating, became very good friends and couple after a year. after the first 3 years of our relationship, we decided to try living under the same roof, we were very happy and life was simple, he became not only a partner but a bestfriend, mentor, cook, almost everything, he also brought me closer to God but he wanted a better life for me and he tried working overseas in 2014, after 1 year and 3 months, he came back on a vacation and asked me to marry him and I did. We’re really happy I was so ready to start a new life with him, he said he will just have to go back to his overseas work for a few more months to finish his contract then we will never separate again. He would always call and message me to say how terribly he’s missing me, and that he loves me very much and i made him real happy that i am his wife finally. Until, last nov 28 after almost a day of worrying because he did not call or message me, i received a call from someone from work saying he got a horrible accident, and was in coma. I immediately processed my visa and all to come to him and was only able to see him after 6 days.. 6 long agonizing days that I do not have exact idea of what is going on with him for he has no relatives in that overseas country the doctors would not disclose to friends his condition, what i only knew is that he was critical. And when I finally came to see him, I could hardly believe what I see, he is breathing only with life support, low heart rate, low bp, low everything, comatosed with zero chance of recovery said the doctor. But i did not just give up, from that day until his last, i would greet him happily in the morning when i arrive and introduce myself as his wife, pray with him, aloud but very very sincere, would tell him stories of how i and his family back home are doing, i would read him the bible, books, sing him our songs, our wedding song, church songs, crack jokes and laugh at my own jokes, and then cry silently, making sure he did not hear a single sob from me, i would record my voice retelling happy stories of our past, ask his family and friends from home to send voice clips and let him hear those with a headset, then play his favorite playlists to him. I even told him everyday his own story based on what he told me before, from his birth up to the days after our wedding. I massage his fingers and arms careful not to move a single cord attached to his body, there’s plenty while reciting to him how much I love him, I need him, I want him, I miss him, and that I am ready to take care of him whenever he wakes up, i am reminding him how happy we were and how plenty his friends are and that there are too many reasons for him to come back . And at night, as I prepare to leave i would make him promise even though he is very still and could not talk, that tomorrow he will wait for me again and that I will have new stories, new voice clips, new bible chapters to read and I would kiss both his hands repeatedly and remind him again of our love, it was almost always impossible to leave. And that went on and on until he gave up. 29 days he’d been fighting. I knew it could come if miracle would not be given but when it did come I was still unprepared. I screamed, and hugged him, he was still warm but gone, I know he is gone, gone forever and I am just not ready to accept. My pain was very deep that morning and is becoming deeper each day. Im always praying that one day I could be fine again,all parts of the day are difficult but before going to sleep and waking up are the worst. i am always praying, going to the church and talks to my family and his but no one can fill the void in my heart because of his death. i could not compare this pain to any kind of pain i have fel before.

    Reply

  • Varin

    December 28th, 2015 at 6:14 AM

    Hi berna ,same story for me except that they called me and said your husband is gone .i had spoken with him one hour before the accident.and because the accident was too bad they didnot show me his body.i cant tell you any thing.but i know the pain .mornings.memories,tortures,guilt,…you are not alone

    Reply

  • Nikki

    December 28th, 2015 at 8:59 AM

    How I feel your pain. I’M lost without my husband it’s been 30 days without him and I could care less about anything at this at this point. He was my world 12 years and I don’t know how to get thru this. I have a seven year old son who had an incredible bond with his Dad and I don’t know how to handle myself let alone help him. I’m in shock I just don’t want to accept this has happened to us.

    Reply

  • berna

    January 2nd, 2016 at 12:42 PM

    Varin, Nikki, Tony, Sharon,

    My own pain is already too much there are times i feel like i can’t handle anymore. But i want to ask you guys, let us not give up ok? This 2016, i hope we find again new meaning in our lives. You will be in my prayers too.

    Berna

  • Tony

    December 29th, 2015 at 12:05 AM

    My boyfriend died in 12/16/2015. I can’t believe it yet I’m numb my heart broken.He was amazing person. I’m sorry to everyone lost someone they love . Life is tough. I’m trying to move forward with less pain .

    Reply

  • Sharon

    December 29th, 2015 at 6:15 PM

    Hi Tony,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I am so sorry for your loss. People tell me that time will heal and that it takes time. it may take time, but the loss is so very difficult. You will be in my prayers.

  • Carole

    December 27th, 2015 at 9:14 PM

    Berna….I am so so sorry for your devastating loss. I am so sorry you were not allowed more time as a married couple. I wish I had real words of comfort for you, but they all ring hollow. Having lost my husband nearly 3 months ago I know it feels like a half of you has been torn off. Please know there are people who care. I wish I could give you a hug…but I guess a cyber hug will have to do. You are not alone. We on this board are familiar with the pain you are in , we each feel it differently but in our own way. No doubt it is the worse thing that has happened to us all. XO

    Reply

  • berna

    January 2nd, 2016 at 12:35 PM

    Carole,

    Thank you. having someone to talk and have cyberhug with, like people in this circle, who truly can relate to how i feel, does make me feel a little better. I realized, only when one went through this kind of sorrow will he understand. I have read new posts nights ago but i was too emotional to reply then, only now i am a little ok, probably exhausted already of crying, or must be the holy mass that i have attended earlier tonight. Carole, Rosa, Ann, Rita, I hope one day i can hear from any of you that you are already doing better. honestly, I am so afraid months and years would pass but i would not be normal again. i am praying that within this year, soon, we will smile again, from our hearts, really smile especially when we think of our husbands. thank you carole.

    Reply

  • Jane

    December 28th, 2015 at 6:51 PM

    Christmas day was exactly 2 months since my husband passed, and it was a most horrible day for me. Everyone around me tried to cheer me up and be merry, and as I had spent the day crying and feeling really sad and empty, I decided to spend time with everyone else that came to spend Christmas with me. I was still so sad inside, the torment I felt knowing my husband was missing out, he had plans for Christmas and new years and here we were without him…..I felt guilty that night for trying to enjoy the night with family and friends as he could not join in. I hate all these festivities and I just wish they could pass quickly. I try to maintain a normal face and persona when people are around, but l cry on my own, have thoughts of him constantly on my mind, I have lots of questions why that day, why him, why so sudden, why no warning, why was he taken away when he had so much to live for, why was I left at 42 on my own……and now nothing matters to me. I do not find enjoyment in anything, I have no interest in what the future holds, all I want is to be with my husband where he is. I miss him so much, I remember his love for me and the affection he always showed me. He was the most gentle person and so full of love and life. I just cannot seem to accept that I will now only ever see him in photos and videos. This forum helps me to share with others who are experiencing the same thing….all of us in our own different way but living what I feel is now an empty life…..

    Reply

  • Melinda

    December 29th, 2015 at 7:34 AM

    I lost my husband two months ago. He was 56 years old and too young to leave me. We had been camping and he was on his way home when he died from a heart attack. He had health issues ever since I met him almost 9 years ago. He had heart disease, PAD, COPD, and was diabetic. He was my soulmate and I miss him more everyday. I cry and wish this were a bad dream. I still wait for him to come home. I miss playing cards with him and doing other things with him. He accepted my children and grandchildren as if they were his flesh and blood. My daughters and grandchildren are having a hard time with his death too. I find it so hard to get up, get dressed, eat, sleep, and just do everyday things. I feel so drained and so alone. My friends and family support me but I’m still so lonely and this pain is so real! I hurt for my kids and grandkids because they miss him so much and are grieving too. I find that when I have my family here it helps. I plan to attend a grieving group soon to help me with this pain that is so overwhelming! I pray to God everyday to help me. I don’t know how to help my kids and grandkids who are grieving too. I just want my husband to come home. I know he’s in a better place and is no longer in pain and struggling to breathe and walk. I love and miss him so much!!!!

    Reply

  • Sharon

    December 29th, 2015 at 6:11 PM

    Hello Melinda,

    I am so sorry for your loss. You will be in my prayers. The pain is excruciating and it seems that it doesn’t get better. Right now I am in Texas with family. However, when I get off the plane, I will begin to cry, since my husband will not be there to pick me up and give me a hug. Each day seems to be a struggle and I wonder what plan God has for me on earth. It is a very lonely feeling. My friends still talk about some of the memories with my husband, but my family has not talked or mentioned his name. I wonder why. Regardless, we are all going through the same thing and it is very difficult to absorb and realize life without our spouses. I miss him so very much and my love for him will always be with me. I write notes monthly in my iPad about what I am doing and some of our memories. This does give me some comfort.

    Reply

  • Ann

    December 30th, 2015 at 1:22 PM

    My husband, my best friend, passed away 1st Dec 2015. I am still going over everything that happened in my mind, I can’t believe he’s gone. We were together 39 years. He was only 63. I can’t even express in words what I feel at the moment, part of me has been wrenched away and I am left with an emptiness that feels cold and dark. He went into hospital for a major op for cancer but three days after suffered brain damage from a cardiac arrest and never woke up. It’s the most terrible thing that had happened to me in my life and I don’t know how to carry on without him.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    December 30th, 2015 at 3:05 PM

    Dear Ann,

    Thank you for sharing. We are very sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. If you would like to speak to a grief counselor or other therapist, you can find one in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Jane

    December 30th, 2015 at 10:32 PM

    Hi Ann,

    This is certainly a very difficult time of your life. Having just lost my husband 2 months ago, I can relate to the emptiness and sadness you feel. Life becomes one of constant sadness and emptiness, but saying that deep down I know my husband would like me to ‘live’ as I am still here, and so would your husband want the same for you. We have so many memories of them that we shall never lose nor forget, those will live with us forever until we are reunited with them again. It is difficult for me to just imagine I will now only see photos and videos of my husband, as will the rest in our circumstances. I find comfort in talking to him and telling him what I am doing or what is happening around here. They never leave us, they are always with us. Cherish the memories you have, they bring a lot of the sadness too, but in another way, I feel they keep me connected to my husband.

    Reply

  • Ann

    December 31st, 2015 at 5:17 PM

    Thank you for your kind words. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. May we find comfort together using this website. Life will never be the same again but it seems this is the hand we have been dealt and we must use all the strength we have to get through this difficult time. Keep in touch.

  • Sharon

    December 31st, 2015 at 6:33 AM

    Hello Ann,

    I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. It will be nine months since my husband passed away from cancer. He found out on March 25, 2014 and passed away on April 12, 2014. The pain and grieving is not getting better for me. Friends and family are supportive but they truly do not understand what I am going through. Pray to God each day and He will give you the strength you need to go on with your life. I try and concentrate on those words, but it is so very difficult. There is so much loneliness, emptiness, and fear. We did everything together and I miss him so much. In the beginning I could not sleep or eat very well. Now at least I am sleeping a little longer and I try to eat healthy everyday. Our husbands are looking down on us and they do not want us to be in so much pain. It wasn’t their choice to leave this life and earth. It will be a struggle, but keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. I can support you, Ann, through this web-site.

    Reply

  • Ann

    December 31st, 2015 at 5:13 PM

    Thank you for being there for me. Graham and I did everything together, went everywhere together and it’s difficult to imagine doing things without him. For the last two years I’ve suffered from vertigo and Graham lost his sight four years ago so we supported each other and looked after each other. My family are very supportive but the pain of this loss is so hard to cope with. I am so sorry for your loss, I am here for you too. No one can prepare you for these feelings, may we all find some comfort in the knowledge that we are not alone, we have each other.

  • Rita

    December 31st, 2015 at 2:31 PM

    Sharon, Jane, Ann
    I feel very fortunate to know you and have this site available to comfort me. We all share sadness, fear and loneliness walking this new road we have been forced to take. I truly appreciate the fact that i can openly grieve with people who understand and dont expect me to be someone im not. It is exhausting to try to be the person i used to be for the sake of everyone around me. I cant help but think that they will find out for themselves someday,, and only then will they get it. Tonite i am going to cuddleup with my husbands robe while the new year comes in…I am so glad these holidays are almost over. Please take care everyone…

    Reply

  • Ann

    January 1st, 2016 at 1:44 PM

    Rita, I’m glad you cuddle up with your husband’s robe, I too go to bed with Graham’s dressing gown to bring me comfort. I also will be glad when the holidays are over and I am scared of the year ahead without him. I still can’t believe all that’s happened and that I’ll never see him again. It’s
    Iike a waking nightmare. Life can never be the same but we can all talk with each other through this website and comfort each other, we are not alone. Keep in touch.

    Reply

  • Rosa

    December 31st, 2015 at 5:03 PM

    All the special occasions: Nov 5th my Vince would have been 62. (I am 54 now). Then came Thanksgiving Day, and Christmas Day and tonight, a few hours later is meeting the new year! I worked all those occasions.. I dotn call my family.. I just bury myself working so I dont have to think of many of those das moments. I would always think that my healthy fit, loving, handsome late husband is in heaven..he jusT died a sudden death and maybe thats what he wanted instead of getting sick and be taken cared for.. it is over 9 months now.. I hope I would dream of him .. I just keep playing his videos.. looking at his pictures but I dont cry as much anymore.. The first few days, I was awake all those 24 hours.. Now I am better.. Let us hope to have enough strength to overcome the grief in our hearts..Let 2016 be a better year for us..

    Reply

  • Ann

    January 1st, 2016 at 3:36 PM

    I won’t say Happy New Year but may 2016 give us all some comfort and less pain. May we all learn how to smile again and remember with fondness those memories we hold so dear. It is going to be hard and our lives will never be the same again but I pray that each of us will find some peace.

    Reply

  • Carole

    January 2nd, 2016 at 10:34 AM

    Rant…….

    Some people may be well intended but most are full of it and just say things to say things. Because they feel they *have* to say something. After my husband died a few months ago I was told by my sister in law ( also a widow of 3 years), ” I’ll take you up t my cabin for a week and we can just relax and vegetate” and ” oh I’ll take you fishing on my boat” and a few more promises of ” doing things together”….none of it happened. I never even hear from her, no ” Merry Christmas how are doing ? ” etc. It hurts more when people do things like this then just not saying anything at all. It shows they REALLY do not care a zip. They may have forgotten what they told the grieving person however the person grieving has not. And then there are the ones who tell you ” if you need anything call me, I mean it”….really ? like my handyman nephew. Sure I need some washers changed in my faucets now because they are dripping and I don’t know how to change them, small things etc. If the person REALLY cared they would CALL ME once a month and say ” do you need anything ? “…why should they expect the person grieving to ” call ” ? Most in this situation feel uncomfortable calling for help because they feel like they are bothering the person, esp. when you never hear from them. Advice to those who are friends and family of a person who lost someone, if you do not intend on following through with what you say just be quiet and tell the person ” I’m so sorry “: My stepdaughter could not even be bothered to come pick up her Christmas gift and she lives 3 miles away. Yet when I talk with her on the phone occasionally she always ends with ” I love you”…really ..hollow words. Do people even understand what love is ? Its actions not words.

    Reply

  • berna

    January 2nd, 2016 at 12:51 PM

    Carole,

    I am feeling the same :( friends promised if i need them,i can ask, anytime, anything.. we’re still in this overseas country 15days after his death because of the police investigation, i could not take him back home just yet and bury his body. I have asked some friends to go with me some days to go to places or talk to someone because i am new in this country,all on my own, but they were all too busy. They’re adding to my pain but i could not blame them. I think they don’t really understand how difficult my situation is right now. I am just thinking, this too shall pass.

    Reply

  • Rita

    January 2nd, 2016 at 1:52 PM

    Oh Carole
    May i join your rant? People are so full of themselves and do not care about our well-being. I also have a much older sisterinlaw who lost her husband a month after my husband, her only brother. She has tons of family surrounding and catering to her. She seems to have adjusted quite well- even after a couple months i would call and she would preach how the Lord works in mysterious ways and how our husbands are in a far better place… really.. . she would follow up by saying we need to get together and talk regularly…none has happened…i havent made an attempt for months…neither has she…
    I am quite tired of calling my few friends to say hello monthly to catch up on their lives and hear when they answer the phone..”hi whats up?” whats up is that these so called friends are fair weather friends,.. Its all good when “all is good”but any peek of reality and off they go to their happy stable uninterrupted lives ..sad..but who will be there for them when the time comes? I realize i am a constant reminder of their future but one would think our friendship and history would mean more to them…please understand that i make a concerted effort to NOT mention my husband.. Whats up? what an insult. What hurts is the fact that everyone around me goes on living without a consideration for my heart, past or present. It hurts when no one remembers my husband in conversation..he is gone and forgotten to them.
    Once again, i will say that there is a reason i hide away alone with my cat. thank you for lstening and understand…

    Reply

  • katie

    January 2nd, 2016 at 5:32 PM

    This is a collection of comments that speaks of profound love. To anyone who may scroll toward the bottom on this day, the comments for this blog describe the intense love a couple has and a union shares. I love my husband. I will never be without him. It took me almost 20 years to figure out. After 10 years of deep loss, isolation, and depression and another 10 of what turned out to be a very blessed and fortunate life, I could only love my husband like that. I will never let God or anyone take him from me…. and I learned that really, God wants him with me.
    So, I talk to my husband. I make plans around my husband. I do projects thinking for both myself and my husband. I feel I am responsible to live the best life I can so he can, too…. because if he’s not living through me, there’s no way I exist. Thats what I learned in 20 years.
    To those here with some thoughts of ending it all… though let’s be fair…..it’s good people reach out with these things—- and we will all survive— I came the conclusion that that would not work. I got the place of wanting to extinguish I felt so bad. And I can’t. I can’t because I’m not alone. I found my partner in this life, and we were, and are, and always always will be a union. It’s impossible that we wouldn’t. I wouldn’t exist without him.
    So this is how I do now. I do as much good as I can to get merit for my husband. I work as hard as I can to become a good person in his image. I try to enlighten myself as much as possible and work for the highest good of all in order to secure merit to protect my husband’s spirit and mind and body forever. I spin a prayer wheel for him. I take the hard high road purposely to get the good karma to offer for him. I would do anything for him. Anything but let him go. I never will. He told me not to. So maybe, for some of you lovely ladies, this works. I live for my husband. I can’t wait a moment to be with him. So, it’s his tough luck that he goes everywhere with me. Was nice to connect and read all of the comments. It’s love that is being described in all the grief. I think we sure are lucky to have had men who taught and showed us how deep and vast our ability to love really is. I’d be lost without my husband. So, I continue to recognize, and think and act from that largest part of me that is in union with him. And of course, after 20 years, there’s been signs that it is the right way to go on, for me. I would say giving you life to benefit others through good works or just pure thoughts constantly, is maybe the best was to overcome grieving a beloved husband. God or Source and the Buddhas and Angels bless us so we may all be together forever and ever when we make it to the promised land…. which I know understand, is here, now. Because I can’t wait to see him. I really cannot. Love to you all.

    Reply

  • I see

    January 4th, 2016 at 4:38 AM

    katie,
    I have to say I am in almost the a a place as you. My companion was TRULY the wind beneath my wings…a benevolent, gentle, supportive and understanding being. I feel him near and he has made his presence known to assure me he is at peace. His desire is that i find my joy and go on with my life. That is a tall order. I want to do it for us. My desire in this life is to be for somone else what he was to me and I don’t mean in a romantic sense. His legacy is love and I intend to carry on with him guiding me as he always did from a higher place than ever before. Love to you, Katie, and to all of us feeling the loss of a beloved companion.
    Indee

    Reply

  • Doren

    January 31st, 2016 at 10:22 PM

    Hi Katie,
    I have read all the posts in this thread and yours, among all others, inspired me the most. So, I just want to say thank you for the wonderful words, they’re truly encouraging. Whenever I feel that the sadness is overwhelming, I always try to remember or read your post over and over. “Do as much good for my husband, earn merit for him, become a good person for him, live for him.”

    Reply

  • Doren

    January 31st, 2016 at 10:30 PM

    I posted here I guess early December, 2months after my husband passed away on October 7, 2015. We’re married for less than 2years. Everything was so soon and sudden. I’m always in pain and very sad. Praying and surrendering to God everyday helps me a lot.

    Reply

  • katie

    January 2nd, 2016 at 5:51 PM

    One more thing I feel I have to say: please be careful crying. I have cried very hard at times to the point that I did realize that it could be possible to die from a broken heart. To be honest, I have cried so hard that I have felt my head and heart get to a place I am sure a body can’t exist long. So, I went looking for him in my memory but in the present circumstance telling me it will be okay. And I visualized him or could see him so clearly, exactly as I remember and just sort of surrendered and really tried to stop crying. I still cry. And Christmas, OMG, just nothing and nowhere can fix that for me, but I figure, if I’m gonna have the old guy in tow forever I might as not well be sad all the time. I purposely set out to be happy for him. To see the beauty around me for him. Louis Armstrong’s song “Wonderful World” is too hard to get through for many people here, but if you look at the lyrics…. I try to see the world like that. For both of us. It was one of our favorite songs.

    Reply

  • Yes

    January 4th, 2016 at 4:58 AM

    my intense crying and sobbing landed me in the ER with a blood pressure off the chart. I called my neighbor for help, she called an ambulance when I broke into a sweat and was vomiting. I couldn’t control my sobbing and had to be sedated IV. I felt like I would have a stroke from the pounding in my skull. I didn’t care. I wanted to die to be with him. My beloved was found deceased in his home by a friend. It was such a shock that my whole being was screaming. It took days to recover from the major incident. Yes, one can absolutely die from heartbreak and not necessarily from a stroke.
    I am truly trying to use my inner tools to regain my center and balance despite my sadness. I want to go on, but I do look forward to being reunited with him.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 4th, 2016 at 9:22 AM

    Dear Yes,

    Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. We wanted to encourage you to reach out, as a therapist or counselor can often be of help when working through grief.

    You can locate a qualified professional in your area by entering your ZIP code here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Sbvcrn

    January 28th, 2017 at 4:31 PM

    Katie and Yes. I wish I could really, really, really cry my hubby of 52 years died 8 weeks ago today…sudden death related to septic shock from a kidney stone. Instead I have a few sniffles, feel like I will burst and start to shake. Blood pressure up. Can release those tears so….i think possiblt too few tears could cause broken heart syndrome.

  • Jackie

    January 4th, 2016 at 8:19 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    I haven’ written here in a while, it is now 4.5 months since my husband Mark left this world suddenly. I was so afraid over the holidays, as I had time off from work and did not know what I was going to do with the days. We were together all the time. It was horrible, but not as bad as it could have been I guess. Katie, I love what you have written and I think that is how I am going to carry on, keeping Mark inside me and leading the life we would have lived for both of us. It is the only possible way I think I can do this. It was difficult changing to 2016 and knowing Mark would not be in the world present with me in the New Year. Katie’s message gave me hope that I am not walking alone – nor are any of us, as long as we have them in our heart we may be physically alone but emotionally and spiritually we are not alone.

    Reply

  • Ann

    January 5th, 2016 at 3:54 PM

    I lost my best friend and husband one month ago. Christmas was hard but the grandchildren kept me going. I have read your comments and will try to live a life for both of us, it is difficult starting the new year without him. We did everything together, went everywhere together. The house is very quiet without him, he loved music so now I’m going to have music playing everywhere but it does make me cry.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    January 5th, 2016 at 5:15 PM

    Hi. My situation is the same as yours. Lost my husband of 55 years in November. I can’t seem to get through a day without crying. I am trying to resume my life as best I can. Did have grandchildren visiting over Christmas so that helped But now everyone has gone home and I am alone for the first time in my life. I live in Florida for a good part of the year so far away from family. Wish I could meet some other women that understand what I’m going through

  • Ann

    January 8th, 2016 at 12:58 PM

    I had been married for 39 years and like you I am going to be alone. I wish I was nearer to comfort you. No one can prepare you for this loss, emotions flying everywhere, crying every day, it’s so very painful. Please keep in touch on this website.

  • Carolyn

    January 8th, 2016 at 7:42 PM

    Dear Ann,

    I too wish I lived closer to people who are going through the same thing that I am feeling. I was feeling pretty sad today as I had hoped I could join my good friend and her group for dinner and when that wasn’t going to happen I cried a bit as I was all alone with a long weekend in front of me, then out of the blue my phone rang and it was an old friend who lives close to me inviting me to have dinner with her and husband. God works in mysterious ways. It turned out to be a nice nite,

    Carolyn

  • Karen

    January 9th, 2016 at 9:53 PM

    I am 36, just lost my husband to cancer a few days ago and I am going through the exact pain you guys are having. Hubby and I met in college and have had a great 15 years together. I miss him terribly. I live in Florida, too. I just want to sens you love in Florida.

  • berna

    January 10th, 2016 at 11:00 AM

    Ann,

    Sometimes, I ask God, why didn’t he give us at least 10 years, or 5, or at least 1 or maybe few months to live together as husband and wife, why did He decide to take him away from me permanently this early, only 3 months?! While other widows were left with a number of children, even a bunch of grandchildren, while I was left with nothing,no one to hold on to.

    But as I read your posts and theirs, widows who have children and grandchildren, I feel like the pain is just as deep as mine,or maybe even deeper..

    I still wish though, even if I know the pain could be a lot worse if I would loose him after 10 or 20 years of marriage, I would still choose to have those years to live with him and love him and be hurt even more after, if only..

  • Jane

    January 8th, 2016 at 8:11 PM

    My husband passed on 25 October 2015 and since that day I had my parents and some of my siblings come over and stay with me. They left this week on Thursday, and for the first time in 14 years, I am all alone and have spent two nights on my own. It is very hard and lonely and I miss him so much. It feels like having people in the house shielded me from dealing with my loss and now I am overwhelmed by the sudden loneliness. We had no children and so I am now all alone. I have his family who love me dearly living not far from me, but at the end of the day, they also have their lives like every one else to get on with, and now I am starting to realise even more how this situation of losing my most loving husband at 42, leaves one completely bereft. I have started to talk to him more now, and this provides a bit of comfort, but walking in the house alone without him here, makes me feel lost. I dropped my sister at the airport when she left, came back to an empty house and was lost as to where to start. My husband and I always ate together, and did a lot of things together. Suddenly, I am alone and I am a crying mess…..I find I am struggling to look at his photos as they bring so much sadness as he was so full of live and his sudden death is hard to accept. I am reaching out to anyone that can relate to being alone with no children suddenly or anyone else that understands my circumstances to help me with ideas on how they are trying to cope with each day. Thank you.

    Reply

  • Sharon

    January 9th, 2016 at 2:24 PM

    Hello Jane,
    Let me first say, that you be in my prayers and accept my deepest sympathy. What you wrote, I could have written myself almost word for word. We were not able to have children and I do not have family here. My sister and my nephew live in Texas. Since my husband passed away, I have visited her six times since May, 2015. I am comforted being with her but as soon as I get off the plane, the pain pierces my heart. Coming home to an empty house with no one to talk with is extremely difficult. I am a part time teacher and I love teaching my students. They bring joy to my life. I go out with my friends at least twice per week and that helps. I try to keep busy at home reading and cleaning. My neighbor who lost his wife six years ago told me not to be so hard on myself and that with time it does get better. This website has helped me. It is too bad that we can’t all get together to share our thoughts. Jane, I understand completely what you are going through

    Reply

  • Jane

    January 16th, 2016 at 9:18 PM

    Thank you Sharon. Our lives are only part of what they would have been if our husbands were here. The days and nights are very lonely as I do not have a close group of friends. I spend days at a time alone as I have taken leave from work for a few months. I talk to my husband and know he is always with me. Having this forum is almost like sharing the hurt, but I wish we were sharing happiness, not the turmoil and heartache of life without our spouses.

  • Pauline P.

    January 9th, 2016 at 4:43 PM

    Jane I have just lost my precious husband after 43 years of a wonderful marriage, I have no children, which was my husbands choice that I went along with as I wanted to be with him. I knew my husband was sick for over 2 years with cancer and I guess I knew the day would come that he would leave me, but now my sister and family have left and I am on my own I have fallen into a big hole, missing him so much, wanting him back, this morning I was yelling at him to come back even though I know that’s not possible. I went back to his grave yesterday but it didn’t comfort me I just kept thinking he can’t be in there, he can’t. People tell me time will heal, and for the first time in my life I am wishing my life to go by quickly so this agony will diminish. I wish I had some wonderful advice for us both but I think we just cope with the day we are in and not try and envisage the future, not yet.

    Reply

  • Ann

    January 10th, 2016 at 11:54 AM

    I agree with you when you say that we have to get through each day, one at a time. We must take our time, take care of ourselves and although life will never be the same, we must give ourselves time to heal. I lost my husband on Dec 1st 2015, we had been together 39 years and did everything together. We will get through this, we are here for each other.

  • Kathy

    January 10th, 2016 at 12:51 PM

    So good to hear from you Ann. Mine was a 39 year marriage also and much like yours.While it’s really hard to keep putting 1 foot in front of the other, it is necessary for survival I believe. If I sit around too much I think too much. If I keep busy I’m so much better and I’m really a lot better when I’m helping somebody else. I am still working which is a blessing. I’m really grateful for this website. It helps me to remember that I am not in this alone.

  • Ann

    January 11th, 2016 at 12:53 PM

    Since Dec 1st I haven’t been on my own. Next week is going to be the real test, being in the house alone, seeing where he used to sit, where he used to sleep and a wardrobe still full of his clothes. I know I’ve got to do it but we did everything together and because we were both retired we spent all the time in each other’s company. So glad there are people to talk to on this site.

  • Lee Ann

    January 12th, 2016 at 9:21 AM

    I dont know what to say except..i miss my husband so much we were married 45 years and he died two years ago unexpectedly. It just started getting worse in the last month I miss him so badly and I have gone to groups and therapy but I don’t know what else to do I need to talk to other ladies that have I need to talk to other ladies that have lost their husbands

  • Jane

    January 16th, 2016 at 9:25 PM

    Thanks Pauline. I understand exactly how you feel, I dream of the day I depart and be rejoined with my dear husband. Life is too empty and lonely, and only we can understand how it feels to lose a spouse. We just have to let ourselves go through life as best as we can, which is easier said than done, until we depart when our time comes. Cherish the memories and let them roll down your face anytime.

  • Carolyn

    January 9th, 2016 at 7:46 PM

    Dear Jane ..I know exactly how you feel and having your husband die so young is tragic. My husband lived a full life, he was 80 and we were married for 55 years so we were blessed but doesn’t mean I don’t experience the same pain you do when coming home to an empty house. Can you find a bereavement group that you can meet with. You are young and have so much more life to live so it is very important that you get out and meet people. I pray you find a way to continue your life and find some happiness after a period of grieving.

    Reply

  • Jane

    January 16th, 2016 at 9:32 PM

    Thank you Carolyn. I did not have a close circle of friends, so except my in laws, I have no one else I can just pick up the phone and talk or just pop over to visit or invite. The few I have tried have their lives to live and their own friends and families. It is hard for me to go out and make friends now. Not sure how I will make it long term, but I live for the day I will rejoin my husband.

  • berna

    January 10th, 2016 at 10:47 AM

    Dear Jane,
    I can feel your pain, i have lost mine less than a month ago, dec 18, we were newly weds, 3 months but we’ve been together 7 years. No baby too.

    I read a lot, mostly blogs of widows like us. Some do make me feel good sometimes. But I think, only when I cry real hard, I feel lighter and little better and fall asleep at night. I allow myself to cry, i am not sure, but maybe, crying is the only way to heal.. talking to other widows the way we do here in this site, does help too. I am not saying that i want one or some of my friends to be in the same situation as mine, but maybe, if i can talk personally to someone who knew this kind of pain, maybe that’s going to be more helpful than speaking to a bunch of single or married friends who never really feel how deep my pain is.

    Please take care of yourself and i will pray for you too as i pray for myself, for our fast healing. Hugs!

    Berna

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    January 13th, 2016 at 6:59 PM

    Hi Jane , I can definitely how you feel living alone. I do gave children but I live in Florida so gave no family close by. We were married 55 years. I was 21 when we met so went from living with parents to living with my husband. I do gave a little dog who keeps me company but the funniest thing is when I become upset and cry he runs out of the room and sits behind the door to garage. He can’t stand the sadness..little stinker, no comfort at all..lol. But it’s nice to have him. He loved my husband so he has a lot of sadness too. Loosing a child would be the worst, loosing your life partner is also unbearable as that is the person you shared your day and night with and the house is just a hollow shell without him. He was such a positive guy and fought so hard to live with never a complaint. I’m trying to cry less and live more..I have no other choice.

    Reply

  • Tabtig

    January 10th, 2016 at 11:18 AM

    Hello everyone, I have read through all of your comments as I found this site today. I lost my husband to brain cancer in June. He was 50 and the best thing that ever happened to me. We were together 28 years. We were young kids when we met (I was 21 he was 22). We have a son who turned 9 five days before he died. His illness was undetected until he ended up in the hospital for a 6 week hellish nightmare and our world was shattered. What he had to endure during that time is something I will never be able to feel ok about but since he was in a and out of reality, perhaps he wasn’t really aware of it for more than a few minutes each day. We never got to have a real conversation about his diagnosis or that he would die. Telling my son the day before we took him off the ventilator that his father was not going to live was not anything I could comprehend but I had to do it. I had to look him in the face and crush him with my words. This child both my husband and I had spent 9 years shielding from danger and pain. It was unimaginable. No one can prepare you for this experience and no one can understand unless they actually live it. It has been 7 months now and I went right back to work 3 days after his funeral so that I would keep myself busy and moving. We went through the motions of summer, and all of the holidays in our normal fashion. Continued baseball practice, games, etc. My son goes to weekly grief group and looks forward to it because he will not show me any emotion but I believe he shares in the group. He cannot stand to see me cry and I try so hard not to in front of him but sometimes I can’t avoid it. My time is my drive time to and from work (mostly in the morning where the floodgates open). Everyone says over time it gets better and I thought I had passed a milestone with a new year but I find this weekend that I am not wanting to work any more. I feel all of the things everyone here has mentioned. The most special relationship that was so much deeper than everyone else, etc. He was my hero, my savior, my best friend and my favorite person and saw me through breast cancer, a severe heart condition and many health issues that would make people think I would be the on not to survive but in a cruel twist it was him that went first. He did everything for me and I could not save him from his brain cancer diagnosis. I want the world to stop so I can figure things out. How in the world do so many widows not work and still maintain paying mortgages, etc.? I feel like I missed something. I have two mortgages, make a good salary and did all of the paperwork which was a nightmare for accounts, etc. My work has no meaning and I want to regroup but cannot do it with the demanding job I hold and my son’s academic and sports demands. if anyone has some insight, i would love to know. it is difficult for me to show anyone that I am not super human and can do everything but I am feeling like I want to throw in the towel now. I put on the game face for my work world, my family and friends. I have not cracked yet and I am way to prideful and private to show them I am weak.

    Reply

  • Marie

    January 10th, 2016 at 2:22 PM

    I lost my husband of 43 years 2 years ago. I have no family support and no friends. He and I never had children for many reasons. The day after he died I had to go back to work as I could get no paid time off because he and I were civilly divorced due to financial reasons. We never stopped living together. I was told by my dept mgr that I was expected to give 110%. There was never any funeral because there was no money. Medicaid paid for his cremation. I could not afford to put an obituary in the paper which costs $300. I am still bumping into people who knew him asking me where he is as they dont know he died. I have his ashes here and am struggling to get money for a niche where both of us csn go. 8 months after he died I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I lost my job while out on short term disability. Since I was only part time they were not required to hold the job and I wasnt covered under FMLA. They cut the job from part time with full benefits to per diem no benefits and hired someone else. This happened at the hospital where I was diagnosed. I went thru chemo and found a way not to lose my waist length hair which never fell out. I have another job now but I drive 500 miles a week to get to it. With all this, I have not been able to cry for him. It is all bottled up inside.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    January 11th, 2016 at 5:23 AM

    I am so sorry Marie. I went to my county hospice program. They had bereavement counciling. I got 6 free therapies and group sessions also free. I also went to their art expressions classes and it proved very helpful. You can give a donation but you don’t have to. Also when I started the group I wasn’t even living in the county. It didn’t matter.
    When my husband first passed away I also did a group called “Grief Share” a biblically based 8 week course. Was also helpful. After 3 years I still have “waves of breakdowns” but I work extremely hard to keep busy and keep one foot in front of the other.
    I feel that at a time like this which no one can ever feel unless they’ve been through it can ever realize how much pain we are in. It’s an everyday work in progress. I’m thinking of you.

    Reply

  • jane m

    January 11th, 2016 at 10:12 AM

    having a rough day today. My husband died 8 months ago we were married for 35 years he was 56 and died of a stroke. This is so hard but it brings me a little comfort in that I am not alone. I lost my everything I do have two children and a grandchild and I try to cover up my sadness but it’s so hard. No one will ever understand unless they have gone through this. I have never lived alone and I hate it. We did a lot with our friends all couples and just find it so awkward now. the wife’s will invite me out sometimes when their husbands are out or busy I don’t have any family here but they are supportive via phone call. I guess we are all fortunate that we had amazing spouses and should be greatful for that

    Reply

  • Ann

    January 12th, 2016 at 4:07 PM

    Having a rough day today too. It’s been six weeks since my husband passed away and I’ve cried every day, I’m exhausted, can’t get to sleep at night. I miss him so much and I still can’t get my head around all that’s happened. It feels like it only happened yesterday and yet it also feels like an eternity. No one can prepare you for this, it’s so very very hard. Please keep in touch through this site, it will bring comfort to us all.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    January 12th, 2016 at 6:19 PM

    Ann, I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time. I am trying not to cry all the time..sometimes easier said than done. On top of grieving for my husband I am having some health issues that are worrying me. Gave to gave a non cancerous spot lasered off my tongue tomorrow and went to friends house for dinner Friday night and something I ate hurt the soft palate of my mouth now I have a red sore spot that worries me so will have doctor check it tomorrow and pray it is nothing more than an irritation. Say a little prayer I will be okay. And it’s so hard to not have my husband here for support..being lonely is the hardest part.

  • Ann

    January 13th, 2016 at 2:24 PM

    So sorry to hear of your health issues, my thoughts are with you. I too have had some health issues over the last two years, I have been suffering with vertigo. Even though my husband was in hospital and very unwell, he was always very concerned for me. I understand how you must feel, we no longer have that one special person to support and comfort us. Let us hope that this year our health improves so that we can cope with our loss.

  • Carolyn

    January 13th, 2016 at 6:32 PM

    Hi Ann went to oral surgeon today and had a small non cancerous spot lasered off my tongue and other spot I worried about was caused from something sharp that scraped my palate so I am so relieved. I am hopeful that this is the beginning of a better year and I can start to live as best I can without Jim. I talk to him all the time and I feel like he is with me and I just want to try to be happy for the rest of my life as I know Jim would want that. My sister will be coming to stay with me on the 25th so that will help my loneliness. I hope you can enjoy a little happiness one day at a time.

  • Vivian

    February 1st, 2016 at 6:57 PM

    Dear Jane,
    I posted before that I keep a journal, well actually I’m up to 8. I write to him often, I’m not saying it heals but I do get it out of my system. He was the only person who really knew me. Never judged and always made everything ok. I was so blessed to have him love me unconditionally but now I feel all the more lonely. The hard part is the finality, that I can never be with him in this lifetime. I miss him so much, it hurts, literally. I can’t reconcile with the fact that I’m supposed to accept a life without him.

  • Rita

    January 11th, 2016 at 10:49 AM

    Marie
    Im so sorry to hear of the many losses you experienced. I can understand because some of this happened to me. I was a fulltime employee at the hospital for 14 years. When my husbands Leukemia was beginning to get worse and after his heart attack i became parttime so that i could take him to his hosp and drs appts. i also knew our time was limited so i wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. In the last year of his life i would occasionally take an FMLA day esp if he was hospitalized. I would be at the hosp- spend days and nites with him- which was
    1 1/2 hours from home and my work. The only call i received from my supervisor was to tell me that my FMLA benefits were running out soon and she could not hold my job of 7 years in her department. I was given a choice to go to casual status (part time as needed-no benefits-401K freezes) or quit. I did chose to stay to keep my foot in the door. A month later my husband was gone, i was without a permanent job, health insurance and now in extreme debt for his medical care for his last 2 wks in ICU. This heartless act from the place and people in which i spent many devoted years working very hard was unbelievable. I know cutbacks have caused some of these circumstances for me but i cannot excuse the behavior.
    I have two adult children and a handful of friends. Everyone is busy living their lives and going about their business.
    I also have my husbands ashes and plan on combining mine when the time comes to be scattered at a beautiful spot…together…
    I do know there are many free services available for grief therapy, counseling, art/craft therapy, widows/widowers clubs. Also ck with local funeral homes for additional services.
    What a path we have been forced to take together. I truly hope we can all find some comfort knowing we are not on this journey alone..we have each other.

    Reply

  • Sheila P

    January 11th, 2016 at 8:21 PM

    Lost my husband of fifty years and three months on Nov. 23, 2015. I am broken-hearted. Yes, I do have a wonderful daughter, grand daughter, son in law, and many loving friends. But, my best friend, my constant companion is gone. I also have my three dogs to help get me by. I guess I really have it pretty good. So sorry for you who truly seem to be all alone. Please find someone to teach out to. How about adopting a furry friend? A kitty or dog who needs a home, too. They can be so comforting. Think about it…

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    January 13th, 2016 at 6:47 PM

    Sheila P. Our situation is quite similar. I was married for 55 years and husband passed on November 17. 2015. I was with my son and daughter in law and rest of family when he passed so had a lot of support. Early December my son drove me home to Florida and stayed through Christmas. My daughter, son in law and two grandchildren were also with me through Christmas and New Years so I was ok. When everyone left I was suddenly alone with my little dog who is also stressed out over losing Jim. I’m sure he’s waiting for the door to open and him to walk back in…wouldn’t I love that too. I am just going to try to stay busy and find a little happiness.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    January 12th, 2016 at 9:44 AM

    I guess I am one of the people alone, although I do have family – and many friends and a wonderful furry , warm cat. I am an only child, parents have passed away and I have no children. It is going on 5 months now, since my Mark has been gone, it was sudden and he was 56. I work in a pretty high pressure job and this is our busy time. It seems like this is a dream to me because at work things are the same, my deadlines are all still in place, my office is warm and cozy for the winter – but my heart and soul is gone. Everything and everyone but me is moving on . The reality of his absence is greater than ever now but my life continues with no joy at all. I am wondering if anyone else has these feelings ? This is such an awful place to be and everyone who says you can’t explain it to someone else that hasn’t walked in our shoes is so right, there is just no comprehending it. It is like our entire world has been destroyed and we are living on another strange planet.

    Reply

  • Carole

    January 13th, 2016 at 7:03 PM

    Jackie….
    Yes I feel the same way. No joy in life, just going through the motions. My husband died Oct 12 2015 at age age 74, I am 57….I can’t believe its 3 months. we were together 42 years. I was only 16 when we meet, and I have never been on my own. Went straight from parents home to his. I too am alone. No children. I had one sister who was 7 years older then me and she and I planned to spend our golden years as old ladies living together, but she died of a rare aggressive cancer in April 2014 at age 61. So much for us taking care of each other in our old age, guess God had other plans. Mom and Dad both died in 2000. I have no other family. I do have a couple good girlfriends. I just can’t imagine living the rest of my life with this emptiness. Financially I do not have to work as I have his pension. What a blessing from the Lord that is, and my husband. I feel even though he is gone he is still taking care of me with his retirement. I have do some cutting back but I will survive OK. Perhaps in Spring I will look for a part-time job just to get me out among more people and keep my mind active. I still just want to be where he is. I never want to be with another man, I cannot imagine that. No one could know me and understand me like my husband did. I would never feel as comfortable with anyone as I did him. I’m kind of an introvert anyway and its hard for me to trust people so I can’t imagine ever trusting a man like I did him.
    Hugs to Jackie….

    Reply

  • i feel the exact same way ...

    January 16th, 2016 at 5:15 AM

    Carol I feel so connect to you. I miss my husband just him being here. He loved me and I love him. We could sit for hous not say a word. Just hold hands and that was was enough for the both of us. Email me pls

    Reply

  • Jackie

    January 14th, 2016 at 9:28 AM

    Hi Carole,
    Thank you for responding and understanding. Unless you have gone through this it is so difficult to understand. I as well would never be as comfortable with someone else, my Mark was my comfort. I didn’t realize how much comfort just being in the same room with him , even just watching tv or reading the paper gave me. We didn’t even have to talk, just being in the same room was comforting. Right now I am happy to be working. I have friends as well, but the comfort of my Mark just isn’t there. I hope we find some comfort again, even if it is just from ourselves and our own company. A part time job, may be a good thing if it is something you like. It is now like I am a puzzle and none of the pieces fit. You are just thrown in to a completely foreign and sad life. I so hope it gets better eventually – hugs to you to too Carole !

    Reply

  • nessakitts

    January 15th, 2016 at 8:45 AM

    I lost to husband on the 5th of January,2016 to cancer.He just turned 33years old two weeks before his death and died on the eve of my birthday(i turned 28yrs on the 6th).Our 5th wedding anniversary comes up on the 5th of february,our second son will be 2yrs on the 22nd of Jan and the first child is 4yrs old.we just buried him 2days ago,i can’t get a hold of myself,my happiness is gone.im living in guilt and torment of things I should have done to prevent him from dying. He was diagonisd with cancer of d renal colon n was referred to India from Nigeria for treatment 3months ago and we couldn’t raise the money till he passed on.I also feel like I didn’t pray hard enough to stop this from happening, I miss him so much and don’t know how to live with this hurt and pain.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 15th, 2016 at 9:38 AM

    Dear nessakitts,

    We are sorry for your loss. If you would like to speak about this or any other concern with a qualified mental health professional, we encourage you to reach out. Please return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    We wish you the very best.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Audrey

    January 18th, 2016 at 2:46 PM

    I’m so sorry for everybody’s lose. I am writing to also tell you all about My lose. On Oct 5,2015 I also losed the LOVE OF my Life.On this date we our 36th Anniversary.He passed away at 11:55 pm. He had told me about a Month befor this that he didn’t think he was going to make it to our Anniversary. I just laung it off because I thought he was joking that’s the way he was. He had been Sick. For 3yr’s 28th Damicha. One day he wokr up and he couldn’t walk. So he’s home health Nurse sent him to the Hosptial. Well this is when my Heart started hurting. The E.R.. Dr said he had Parkinson’s disease and then he sending the rehab soccer hands disease and then he sending the rehab where you put Skype in the field for Parkinson’s well on this was on Monday on Wednesday the 28th September the doctor at the rehab baby bill well that was at 8:39 o’clock he just lost it and they sending you a hospital and at 11:55 on not I would have seen they took him off of life support but within 10 days he was laughing putting up and then he was gone. This boat my heart and I don’t know how I suppose to feel this is been 3 months in my head still spending I don’t know what to do or anything I’m at total lose. I not only lose my best friend,my Love, But I also lost my Soul. He was 72yr of age and I’m was 60 yr of age. Thank You all for listen to my story. God Bless you All.

    Reply

  • Lori

    January 20th, 2016 at 9:02 PM

    I sometimes cannot believe that I actually belong to this group. I feel so sad for all of these women as I know how they are feeling. My husband died suddenly of a heartache March 2015. He was 56. I am 56 now. I know how lonely and heartbroken I am. But I am determined not to live the rest of my life like this. I know this process is difficult. It is not meant to be easy. We were married for 30 years. Losing him has left a huge void in my life. I never thought for one moment that this could of ever happened to me. My life now is measured in moments. I do not look to the future. I hardly look to tomorrow. I cry a lot. I think I am normal. This is going to take time. I lost my sister in 2009. She was 7 years older than me. That was difficult too. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. I guess I have to believe that. I have had to learn how to be grateful for the wonderful marriage I had. I now see women who have never experienced that. So I am grateful. Learning how to be grateful is hard. With practice it becomes easier. I am glad I found this site as well but I wish I didn’t belong here. But I do!

    Reply

  • Ann

    January 21st, 2016 at 3:23 PM

    Sending you my prayers and thoughts. I lost my husband on December 1st 2015, he was 63. He went into hospital on his birthday for cancer op but three days later had cardiac arrest and had brain injury due to lack of oxygen. He was taken off life support and passed away. He was my best friend and soulmate. Just knowing he was there was enough but now it is very lonely. I too cry a lot and it comes in waves when you least expect it, it is hard to focus on anything anymore and I wonder what this life is all about. I am so sorry for your loss, please keep in touch.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    January 21st, 2016 at 6:17 PM

    Ann, I’m going through a hard time right now. I wish I could be better but I’m just so sad and crying way too much. I just want my life back. I just don’t know how to do this and I seem to be getting worse instead of better. I sit in my living room every night and memories flood back that bring me to tears. How am I ever going to get over this. I’m almost 78, I’ve been with Jim since I was 21. I promised myself I would try hard to be happy but right now it’s just not working. I’ve had a few health issues which haven’t helped as I have no one to talk things over with. I thought I was stronger than this. My sister is coming to stay for two months on Monday so I gave to pull myself together because I can’t do this in front of her. I think if I could feel completely well I would do better. I’m praying to feel well soon..take care

    Carolyn

  • Ann

    January 25th, 2016 at 3:05 PM

    Carolyn, so sorry to hear how you feel at the moment. I too have had some health issues over the last two years. It’s hard when you can’t go out on your own and you have to rely on others. It’s hard to know how to help you but do please bear in mind, we are all here for you. Don’t bottle up your feelings, if you need to cry in the presence of relatives, then cry. It is supposed to be part of the healing. Cry as much as you want like me yesterday, it felt as if I was crying on and off all day. Do please keep in touch on this website, thinking of you.

  • Carolyn

    January 21st, 2016 at 6:31 PM

    Lori, I am so sorry you list your husband so young, I had 55 years with mine but it is never enough. I think about my birthday coming and Valentine’s Day..he never forgot any of those days and wish I could sleep right through them but I know I can’t I was his caregiver for the past nine months and then suddenly it’s over. I hate it, I hate the lonely nights, I hate that he’s never coming back, that he’s not here doing the things he loves. I’m having such a hard time tonight, I just don’t know how to get past it. I’m pretty good in the daytime but awful some nights. The good thing is I usually sleep and sometimes dream of him..and he’s never sick. I had hoped that when I’m as far along as you I would do less crying but now who knows. I guess I should do this a day at a time.

    Carolyn

    Reply

  • Jane

    January 21st, 2016 at 11:08 PM

    I lost my husband in October 2915 with cancer age 58 was told in September 5 weeks later he died pancreas cancer we were married for 11 year with him for 2o, I miss him so much some day am fine cry every day some day really bad like he’s just died and it like it’s getting worst just what to stay in bed and don’t speak to anyone but my family and friends don’t let me sometime feel all alone x

    Reply

  • Jackie

    January 22nd, 2016 at 7:14 AM

    Hi Lori,
    I lost my Mark 5 months ago yesterday, it was sudden although he had a heart condition for many years, so we lived with that every day. It is so hard, I too get by minute by minute. I still work so I am busy during the day, but my job is stressful and I am having a hard time keeping up, I have deadlines all the time. When I go home it is so sad and lonely. I didn’t realize the comfort I got just from being in the same room. No it seems I hold my breath all of the time and look forward to the smallest things that kill some time. It is like my life was emptied out like dumping your purse and it has been all thrown away. I know he would want me to get better, I am sure all of our husbands would want that for us, as we would for them. I agree Lori, I wish we didn’t have to be here, but I am happy that we found this site. Unless you have been through something like this it is very difficult for someone else to comprehend the loss and sadness we feel. Lets hope to have a few good days and moments ahead.

    Reply

  • Jane

    January 22nd, 2016 at 9:20 PM

    I can’t stop crying today. The weekends are so lonely as my husband and I always went out for breakfast on lunch on Saturdays. I do not really have any friends, so I have no one I can call on. My family live in a different state and I just feel so lonely. It will be 3 months on Monday since my husband passed, and I feel I cannot take this any more. I spent so much time with my husband and now I am all alone. I have taken some leave from work as I just cannot handle the pressure of work while feeling so lost and empty…and I just do not know how to hold on until my day comes to leave this sadness behind. As a christian, I cannot take my own life as that means I will not end up where my husband is, but I wish God would call me to his Kingdom soon. I am just ready to go and rejoin my husband in the beautiful place he is at. I am 42 and do not want to imagine I can be here for even another 10 years, this life is so empty and worthless for me. We had no kids so I do not even have those for company or to focus my energy on them. I will never understand why we die… it is so sad for those left behind….

    Reply

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    January 23rd, 2016 at 12:01 PM

    Dear Jane,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about Self Harm at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Karen

    January 23rd, 2016 at 1:25 PM

    Hi Jane, I hear you. I am 36, just lost my husband two weeks ago. I know exactly what you’re talking about. Though my friends and parents are here, but they don’t understand what I am going through as no one among them have experienced losing their spouses. The thought of my husband is really eating me up. The pain is so intense that I almost can’t breathe sometimes.

    Reply

  • Ann

    January 24th, 2016 at 1:36 PM

    Hi Karen, so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband 7 weeks ago, we had been married 39 years. I know how you are feeling, I describe it as an ache deep inside, my chest feels tight and like you say, it is hard to breathe. Please keep in touch on this website, I think it helps knowing that we all feel the same and we can comfort each other.

  • Karen

    January 25th, 2016 at 12:30 AM

    Dear Ann,

    15 years since I was 21, spending my time with such a wonderful man who was a great companion, my best friend, an excellent husband and an excel

  • Karen

    January 25th, 2016 at 12:34 AM

    An excel father to our 2yo. I think of him 24/7. I still can’t believe he isn’t coming back to me anymore.

  • Carolyn

    February 3rd, 2016 at 7:27 PM

    Hi Ann, thinking about you and wondering how you are doing. I have been doing a bit better as have my sister staying with me so not quite as lonely. Can’t believe that in two weeks it will be three months since I lost Jim Time goes so quickly. Had my first birthday without him and now Valentine’s Day is coming..he never missed buying me a card or a soft teddy bear. When I think of all this it is when I miss him and want to break down and cry. Hope you are doing better.

  • berna

    February 1st, 2016 at 7:08 AM

    Dear Karen,

    I am so sorry. 2 weeks.. i think the pain is deepest at the first month..i am on my 2nd now but the pain is still very deep, i don’t think it gets easier but i now have the strength to face my fears, like visiting the place where we got married and where we spent our honeymoon, i cried and felt insane but i still managed to walk home, when i imagined myself a month ago going to those places i thought i could not do it but i just did today, congratulations to me.. this is my way of recovering.. i am letting myself feel all pain, after each good cry, i actually feel light or maybe numb., i don’t really know. But what i want to tell you really is, maybe we can do this? Maybe we still can live our lives without our great love.. i am uncertain too but i wanted to comfort you by letting you know, i can feel your pain, please be strong.

    Berna

  • berna

    January 24th, 2016 at 6:01 AM

    Dear Jane, Dear Karen,

    I think I know how you feel. I am 28, dreamed of living the next 50 years with my first and only love Dominic, but he left me so early, dec 18, 2015, now 38days.. and i only get to bury him yesterday, the huge burden of dying as an expatriate, I thought the worst day was when i saw him lifeless in that hospital bed but seeing his coffin yesterday let down in his grave is as horrible as the day of his death.. yesterday was devastating i could not hold my emotion, i was proud of myself I did not cry on his 3 day funeral but failed to control my emotion yesterday. I am praying with my eyes closed, God please wake me up now from this nightmare! But it was all real.. I am all alone for 38 days now, a terrible widow .. tonight, I cried less, I probably got tired from yesterday.. I made a promise to him I will try to be happy again, now I realized I made a promise that is very difficult to keep.

    Berna

    Reply

  • Karen

    January 24th, 2016 at 1:11 PM

    Dear Berna,

    I find young widows are rare breeds. I hope we could communicate with each other. Any safe way to leave our contact info? I find talking to friends have not gone through bereavement is hard.

  • berna

    January 26th, 2016 at 6:56 AM

    Dear Karen, Dear Ann,

    Thank you.
    Yeah, widows my age are very rare. Yesterday at a store, an old friend approached and asked, are you married? And i didn’t know what to answer. But i said yeah and widowed too. She was shocked and pity was evident in her face. Im sure her reaction didnt make me feel any better, so i do not want to be asked again.
    Life is unfair. And yeah, it will never be the same again.
    I am truly grateful to this site and to women here. Thank you, with you i can express my true thoughts.

    Berna

  • Ann

    January 24th, 2016 at 1:41 PM

    Hi Berna, so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband 7 weeks ago. Our emotions are all over the place and the pain seems hard to bear but I think our husband’s would want us to be happy again. It will be hard, I think we will learn to live with the loss but life will never be the same. Please continue to use this website, we need each other.

  • Nazli

    January 27th, 2016 at 11:09 AM

    I AM 31 years and I lost my love on 20th December. It was a nightmare for me. I lost such a wonderful husband.

  • Ann

    January 24th, 2016 at 1:30 PM

    Hi Jane, I too couldn’t stop crying today. It is so very hard, words cannot express the emotions of losing someone so close to us. My husband and I were like you, we did everything together and even if we were not actually talking, it was comforting to know he was there. I know and understand how you feel, I lost my husband 7 weeks ago and life will never be the same. Please, please talk to us on this website, I know life seems worthless at the moment but I think we have to live as our husband’ s would have wanted. We must try to, we really must. The pain will never go away but I think we learn to accept it and live with it, it will be hard so please keep in touch.

    Reply

  • Lori

    January 24th, 2016 at 3:45 PM

    Go back to work!! They need you there.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    January 23rd, 2016 at 1:30 PM

    While this is an excellent website where we can all leave comments for each other’s comfort, I so wish there could be a place for phone numbers so we could really reach out to individuals that are really struggling at certain times. We all go up and down with waves of realization but to actually talk to someone who understands because they’ve “been there or are there” would be so comforting. My husband passed away 3 years ago on December 26 and I’d love to be able to talk without having to pay a therapist.

    Reply

  • Jane

    January 23rd, 2016 at 11:02 PM

    Has anyone found therapists or grief counselors helped to deal with the loss, helped you cope better with it perhaps? I have been reluctant to see a therapist/counselor as I feel they will not relate to my circumstances, particularly if they have not experienced a loss of a spouse as I have. Has anyone seen a therapist and felt it was helping them cope?

    Reply

  • Lori

    January 24th, 2016 at 3:42 PM

    I talked with a grief councillor for 5 months after Bill died. It helped to speak with someone not related to me or my family. There is actually one way we can all help to make our situation better. We have to be grateful for everything we have now. I know this is hard but it does help to be grateful as it helps to keep positive thoughts in our minds. Keeping busy is also very important. I have a couple of dogs that need me to look after them. Life will never be the same without Bill. It is going to be different. I don’t look to the future now. I don’t look to the future at all. Not yet. It is enough to get through the day. Also, life is a precious gift. I know my husband would not want me to waste it. So I will not!!!

    Reply

  • Marjorie H.

    January 24th, 2016 at 7:01 PM

    I lost my husband on July 12, 2015. I miss him so much one day I am ok the next day I just want to dig a hole and jump in. He was given 2 weeks and lived 7 he was my soul mate and we were only married for 4 years, together for 6.5. So many things we were suppose to do and now I am so lonely. I am not alone as God is with me each day. He was 59 and I am only 54. I just do not know what to do with myself. I have attended one grief session but I am not sure that it helped that much. I wish I knew what to do, nothing has ever hurt so much. My church is so supportive and I do not want to always be the third wheel. I pray that we all find the strength to make it through the storm…

    Reply

  • Karen

    January 24th, 2016 at 11:15 PM

    I’m writing in the hope that someone is looking for a friend I live in Adelaide and I lost my husband just on 15 months ago and I’m just so lonely I’m 57soon and would love to be able to make friends with any one that can relate to this pain and loneliness with missing our husbands just for talks over a good cup of coffee anything to keep us going with this life left to us sincerely karyn

    Reply

  • Kathy

    January 25th, 2016 at 9:22 AM

    Me too. We need a database of phone numbers to really talk.

    Reply

  • Audrey

    January 25th, 2016 at 12:41 PM

    Hello Karen I’m sorry for your loss. All for love my husband 3 months ago. The it was on October 5th 2015. He had suffered with dementia for 3 years but he still knew people he couldn’t drive anymore. But he got to he couldn’t walk anymore and he was starting to shake real bad and his home nurse came out and he wasn’t able to get up and walk and his vital signs wouldn’t feel good so she’s sent to the hospital to the ER. What while you was in the ER but your doctor coming in and said that he had Parkinson’s disease well he did notice to prove it but then he sitting to a rehab again and they prescribed him a medication. This was on the 26th of September 2015. Well on September 28th the rehab nurse came in and told me when when he gave him his meds he said oh by the way I gave him the new medication for the Parkinson. Then I send him back to the ER. From the 28th of September till the 5th of October my soulmate and my heart when he passed away. Does not he passed away was our 36th anniversary. He had told me about a month before the of he was joking around with me saying that he didn’t know if he would make it to our anniversary or not. And I don’t like that even after lunch so you’re being silly told him that he would make it to our anniversary. He did make it to our anniversary when he passed away it was five minutes to twelve Pro he did make it. I know how you feel and it’s very hard I don’t know what I’m supposed to do I’m supposed to live without him at the 36 years it’s hard. Baby if anytime you need to talk you just you can email me or text me or whatever you want to do I will be here to listen . And I hope and pray that you have peace in your heart.

    Reply

  • Karen

    January 26th, 2016 at 7:36 PM

    Hi Audrey sorry for your recent loss of your dear husband and thank you for your condolences for my darling husband I know it’s all so soon for you and how my heart breaks for all of us in this terrible group I hate belonging here but please take time with yourself as I am now and we’ll all get through this as friends we unite until we can see our loved ones and hold them ever so tight once again your new friend karen

  • Teresa

    January 25th, 2016 at 12:27 PM

    I lost my husband 3 days before Christmas last month. We had been married 29 years and had just gotten our wedding rings tattooed on our left ring fingers. We were planning a trip to Ireland for our 30th anniversary, but he succumbed to sepsis, a blood infection, and his liver was not healthy, so his kidneys just shut down. He was only in the hospital less than a week, so our 2 children and I held him as he took his last breath. His last words to me were
    “I love you” through his oxygen mask. He didn’t want to die and he looked so scared. I now want to fast forward my life so I can be with him again. I cry every day, but still life goes on. People pull out in front of you and flip you off, and you want to scream, “The love of my life just died, how can you be so cruel?” I just don’t want to be here any more.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    January 25th, 2016 at 4:32 PM

    Dear Teresa,

    Thank you for sharing. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. It can be helpful to have the support of a therapist or counselor when working through grief.

    You can locate a mental health professional in your area through our site. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • berna

    February 1st, 2016 at 7:27 AM

    Dear Teresa,

    I lost my husband a week before last christmas, i looked after him at the hospital for 22days while he’s in coma, on the minute that he finally left me, i was not around, was actually 25minutes late, when i arrived, all his support were already taken away and his blanket covering him up to his neck.. that was horrible but sometimes i would wish i was there when they’re trying to revive him..i should have been there but reading what you said, maybe my pain would be deeper if there can be a deeper version of it.
    I hope a better day would come to us all members of this group. Please be strong.

    Berna

    Reply

  • Jackie

    January 26th, 2016 at 12:21 PM

    Hi Jane,
    I have been reading this and writing on and off. It is 5 months for me since my Mark passed away. We also have no children and I am an only child. We did everything together. When you talked about the weekends, I completely understand what you are saying. We would also go to lunch or breakfast on Saturday or Sunday. Run errands , go to the grocery store just everything. That first month I thought I was going to just die, actually it isn’t really any better but I now can at least know that it is going to be not fun. I used to look forward to weekends and now I dread them. I know you said you don’t have many friends – it may be time to explore just one thing on the weekend. I try to plan one thing, I am not saying it is the same, it is not the same by a long stretch of the imagination and I so want my old life back, I can’t tell you how much and I know you understand exactly what I mean. It is like you are physically missing half of you, like home sickness it feels like extreme home sickness, I sometimes can’t even believe I am outside walking in a world without my husband. I also am thinking about all the people that have lost spouses that I have known in the past and had absolutely no idea what they went through. Now I think, how did they make it- what secret do they know. I wish I could speak to you on the phone or something- I am not sure if there is a way to connect – sometimes it would be nice talking to someone on a Saturday even though we live all over the place and say – okay it is the weekend again, lets figure this out together.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    January 26th, 2016 at 5:28 PM

    I agree

    Reply

  • Karenayres

    January 26th, 2016 at 8:12 PM

    Hi Kathy sorry for the loss of your husband and mine going on 15months now and yes I agree if only we could all talk and give each other understanding we all need to reach out to one another on this terrible group we’ve been forced to join I dearly crave friendship and comfort from any new friends hope someone reaches out a hand of friendship to us all sincerely your new friend karen

  • carole

    January 27th, 2016 at 11:33 AM

    Hi Jackie and Jane..this is my first time on this site. My husband died suddenly June 12, 2015. We were together 13yrs. I relate to your comments so much because like both of you, my husband and I did everything together. We had no children, but he was an amazing step-father to my daughter and she also misses him terribly. I am an only child and have few friends, simply because I spent all my spare time with my husband. He was an amazing man and the only comfort I have knowing he loved me and he knew how much I loved him. He called me 10 minutes before he died, he was getting a coffee and on his way home. He had a heart attack while driving, 3 minutes from home. I miss him beyond words and found comfort in everyone’s stories. I feel so alone but now realizing I am not alone with these feelings. I also wish we could somehow contact each other.

    Reply

  • Lisa

    January 27th, 2016 at 5:23 PM

    I just lost my husband Jan 7th 17 day’s ago I can’t handle it miss him

    Reply

  • Ann

    January 29th, 2016 at 1:12 PM

    Lisa you are not alone. Be assured we are all here for you. I lost my husband on December 1st 2015. I cry every day as I am sure you do too, it is good to cry. The pain of losing someone close is real and I believe we never get over it but we do learn to live with it, to accept it as part of our life. I am so sorry to hear of your loss, keep in touch on this website.

  • Jackie

    January 28th, 2016 at 6:41 AM

    Hi Carol & Lisa,
    Carol, I understand exactly what you mean. I am fortunate and have some friends, but I realize now that many of them had a bit of a life without their husbands, they did things with other friends, took courses, even went on trips without their husbands. I saw my friends at times, but my life with Mark was my priority, because he was truly my best friend and I am sure your husbands (Lisa and everyone else) was too. You miss them so much that it is indescribable. Even now, I am driving everywhere alone and always the one driving – I want to be a passenger beside my husband. If a couple picks me up I am in the backseat alone. Our life changed in an instant. I just can’t believe it most of the time and it has been 5 months. I want to tell him something that happened at work, or something happens on the news, I can’t drive by so many places because we went there and I am constantly thinking about it. Maybe there is a way we can connect somehow. At least we know when a weekend starts or when we are at our home that there are other people feeling the same way we are. People that haven’t been in this situation just do not know what it is like.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 1st, 2016 at 5:02 AM

    My husband passed away 7 months ago and the more time passes the worse I feel. No matter how many friends or how much family are around me I feel completely lonely without him. We were married 33 years and married after 6 months of dating. He actually proposed after only 2 weeks. We were together all the time, by choice. Hated being away from each other and when he was diagnosed the first thing he told the doctor was “I can’t leave her”. He was right. He died a month later and everything for me died with him. I miss him so much, I physically ache. I do all the things expected of me, I shower and clean and even take yoga. I have gone to movies and dinner by myself but there is no light in my life. He was my life. We had dreams and hopes but all that is gone. Whoever said time will heal was wrong. As time passes I miss him more, I need him more!

    Reply

  • Jackie

    January 28th, 2016 at 11:11 AM

    Hi Carole,
    We can contact each other, someone is going to sending you my email address, it just has to be done the correct way – we cannot post it here ! Hope we can talk or email.
    I am looking forward to that .

    Reply

  • Kathy

    February 3rd, 2016 at 9:36 AM

    So glad to hear and I’ll call as well to ask them to submit mine

    Reply

  • Jackie

    January 28th, 2016 at 12:18 PM

    Jane and Kathy as well – we will figure this out, we don’t want to leave anyone out, it is bad enough to be in this situation.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    January 28th, 2016 at 4:21 PM

    I hope we can figure this out. It would be so nice to really talk and help each other out. I am willing to help others as I know it would be reciprocated. We’re all ” in this together” We need each other. Keep in touch.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    January 28th, 2016 at 8:15 PM

    It has been two months and 11 days since I lost my husband..I have good days and not so good nights. I am having a few health issues of my own and I so miss Jim to help me through them. I have been working at clearing out his closet…a big one. It is the hardest thing getting rid of clothes. I feel so guilty giving his things away. He loved baseball caps Nd had so many, some I have thrown away and some I gave away. I just miss him. I see him in my mind walking, laughing, eating and then at the end how he struggled but never complained, we never talked about dying, he was fighting for his life. My friends have been very supportive and my sister is with me know for two months. If I can get myself back to 100% I would be able to cope better but not feeling well myself causes worry and I fall apart when I’m alone. There is no one to help me for that. Tomorrow I see the doctor and hope he will set my mind at ease..keeping my fingers crossed.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    January 29th, 2016 at 6:35 AM

    Hi Kathy,
    You are so right, it would be very nice. I am going to contact the website again so you can have my actual email. We do need to help each other. Just when you think it is getting slightly better, yesterday I had a few moments of “okay”, then you wake up in the morning and the sadness starts all over again.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    January 29th, 2016 at 8:28 AM

    Great! Together we can get this network going!

    Reply

  • Jackie

    January 31st, 2016 at 10:13 AM

    You are right Kathy, I want to do that too – I am just contacting them now. Sunday’s are so crappy. No words for it exactly.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    January 31st, 2016 at 1:20 PM

    Good To hear Jackie!

    Reply

  • Kathy

    February 4th, 2016 at 3:55 AM

    Hi Jackie! Got your email address! Thanks! I’ll be sending one out this weekend as I work part time. This is great. We’ll all get through this.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 1st, 2016 at 9:31 AM

    Hi Vivian ,

    I am so sorry to everyone that may be sick of me writing here. I understand completely, absolutely completely what you are saying. It has been 5 months for me since my Mark passed away. I do things but it is hard to explain this, just to do them. I can’t share what I have done with anybody, I am not taking care of anybody and it seems why do this for just myself. Mark and I were always together as well. It is like I died with him, but am forced to still be here somehow. The world is not the same nor am I. Going to dinner and a movie which I have also done myself is okay, but then I have no one to talk to that really means anything to me about the dinner, movie – or just my day in general. It is the shared life that I miss the most. I do think that at some point and I don’t know when, we will be okay. We have to be we don’t have another options. They would want that for us so much, we owe it to our husbands to do it for them as much as for ourselves. I keep trying to think this.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 1st, 2016 at 12:40 PM

    Hi Jackie, It is comforting to have someone truly understand. I miss everything. What is difficult is that part of my life is gone, died with him. Yes, I’m a mom, a daughter, a sister, but will never be a wife or be seen in his eyes with such love. He made me stronger, better, and so loved. My dream was to grow old with him. That dream is gone. I know that I will do what I need to do to go on, I’m a survivor but even if I fill my days with all kinds of activities, the emptiness, longing and sadness never leaves me. I am really glad I found this site. I have been writing to Raul in a journal every single day and it helps. I feel like I can say what I feel like I always could with him. The nights are the worst.
    Talking to you helps. Thank you.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 2nd, 2016 at 7:12 AM

    Hi Vivian,
    You said it perfectly, I miss everything to, you think you would miss big things but I miss the tiniest of things. A good part of my life died with him as well. I also feel you can fill your days with activities etc., but the emptiness and sadness never leaves me either. I still work, and get a tremendous amount anxiety between 6:00pm and 8:00pm, it settles a bit but it is truly horrible in ways that people who haven’t been through this can imagine. I am happy I found this site too, I am trying to find a way for some of us to connect, I just have to do a little more with this today. Thank you for your help as well, we are not alone with this.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 2nd, 2016 at 9:00 AM

    Jackie, are you in Florida? Maybe we could start a small support group. My problem is that most support groups are of widows who lost their husbands years ago and I want to connect with people who are going through a recent loss.

    Reply

  • Karen

    February 2nd, 2016 at 10:59 AM

    Hi Vivian and Jackie,

    I am also from Florida. I want to reach out to others around too. I hope to meet someone around my age, I am 36 with a 2yo. I just lost my husband a month ago. Let me know if u guys are interested to meet.

    Reply

  • Sophie

    June 8th, 2016 at 5:01 PM

    Hi Karen, Jackie, and other Florida ladies,
    I’m also from Florida and can relate to you as I lost my husband two months ago. I’m 39 and he was 36. We were married for 10 years! I’d love to connect with you ladies as I can relate to your grief.

  • Jackie

    February 2nd, 2016 at 12:47 PM

    Hi Karen & Vivian,
    I wish I was from Florida !! I am actually from Canada, in Windsor Ontario across from Detroit. I would still like to connect even if it was by phone, email etc. I understand wanting to connect with people that have a recent loss. Karen I am older than you, although I am a pretty cool 55 year old !! Although I just saw a picture of myself that was pretty bad recently, not that I look old, but their is grief written all over my face. It is truly horrible. I would still like to connect. Karen and Vivian maybe you could start a person to person group, if you are close to each other. Maybe we could figure out a plan to bring groups to our respective communities. It is so important, I have lost both parents and thought it was horrible, which it was at the time, but this is something that is just so painful few people can comprehend it unless they have experienced it. Going to the grocery store is even terrible, seeing all their foods on the shelf. Everywhere you go, there is something that you want to avoid or not see.

    Reply

  • Doris

    October 23rd, 2016 at 3:04 PM

    I lost my husband of 33 1/2 years of marriage. He died of a massive heart attack. I am a 55-year-old woman from the Windsor area. I cry every day and can’t believe this has happened. He was physically fit, a nondrinker and smoker ate right, always went to the doctors. I try to keep busy and surround myself with a good support system but still feel lost and empty inside. I’m hoping with time it will get a little better. Sending love, prayers and comfort to all of you.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 2nd, 2016 at 2:03 PM

    Dear Karen,
    I’m afraid I am quite a bit older. I’m 66, I have a 40 year old daughter who lives close and has a 2 yr old. Where are you in Florida?

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 3rd, 2016 at 8:30 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    I know we are at different points in our lives, I still think we can connect. Vivian and Kathy and Karen, I believe I contacted the administrator of the program to give them permission to give you my email. I am going to contact them again.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 3rd, 2016 at 8:39 AM

    Hi Karen, Vivian and Kathy, I just contacted the “contact” of this site and asked that they share my email address with you. Please let me know if you get it – I would love to connect !

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 3rd, 2016 at 9:04 AM

    That sounds great!

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 3rd, 2016 at 1:08 PM

    Hi Vivian,

    I just sent you an email !!

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 3rd, 2016 at 10:22 PM

    Hi Jackie. I replied to it. Did you get it?

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 4th, 2016 at 9:07 AM

    Hi,
    It is so nice that those that wish to connect are able to do so, thank you to this website for allowing us to connect. I feel better knowing this is a possibility.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    February 4th, 2016 at 12:47 PM

    Ditto from me! Talk to you soon!

    Reply

  • Bianca

    February 9th, 2016 at 3:46 PM

    I lost my other half, best friend, my love, my soul, my everything on January 2nd 2016. He was outside “tinkering” on stuff just as he always did. In a matter of an hour my life completely changed. They got a pulse on him and took him by helicopter an hour away to the nearest advanced hospital, it was there a while later that he was pronounced….dead… I hate saying that word, I can’t, it gives me chills and I can feel my already shattered organ in my chest break some more. He was only 26, would of turned 27 on March 10th. I am 24, we have been married for 4 years, and together for over 6. Been friends since we were just kids, I’ve known him for 16 years since I was 8. We have a 5 year old daughter together, and I’m currently 7.5 months pregnant with our son. I was 6.5 months when this all happened. Needless to say this pain is unbearable, I try to show my daughter it’s okay to show emotion, but at the same time I want her to know that we will be strong, and we will survive. I do things for her because I don’t want her when she is older and feel like her childhood was robbed because she lost her dad and her mom was always sad. I just can’t get over how unfair it is for my 5 year old to never see her Daddy again, and for my unborn son to never physically get to know his dad. It’s actual physical pain I feel inside, all through my bones as well as my organs. Being 24 I have NEVER lost a loved one close to me. This is an exceptionally hard hit, more like a shove down the stairs of grieving. Our connection was so strong, so complete, and so unconditional. He is beautiful, inside and out. We had so many plans. I have lost the person who means so much to me. Unless you have experienced such a loss a person cannot understand how destructive it can be and how painful it is. Given the choice I know he would have never left me to be a widowed mother of 2 children. I wait for my C-section date of April 4th when I will be having our son, right now its the only thing I have to look forward to. Even though i’m so scared to bring this baby into this world without my husband by my side but I know this long , painful, road will never end. I’m 24 and should be spending nights with my family, my husband, our daughter. My husband and I should be putting a nursery together. Instead I’m constantly on Google “Young Widows.” Not going to lie I feel very envious of all the people who got many more years with their spouse as I only got 6 years with him. But I also understand no matter the amount of time pain is pain, and it hurts like no one could imagine. I keep a journal I plan to give to my children when they are old enough of all my emotions and their questions and things that have happened, explaining that day, how I had to break the news to my daughter.. but on this blog I’m having a hard time finding the words to say. My family and friends keep telling me I’m strong, but I can’t help but feel so weak inside. I am still in such a state of shock and I can’t believe I’m pregnant and a widow.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    February 9th, 2016 at 5:36 PM

    Dear Bianca,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. A therapist or counselor can often provide help and support to those who are working through grief and may be able to help you address these topics with your daughter.

    You can find a therapist in your area through our site. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • berna

    February 10th, 2016 at 7:47 AM

    Dear Bianca,

    I am really sorry. I can only tell you, you are not alone. You are right, im envious too. Because, just like you, we were not given many years, we’re married for over 2 months only when he left me, together 7 years and friends for 9 years before that. We’re both 28.

    Some people are saying I can start anew easier because I only need to take care of myself, no kids, not pregnant, but how I wish I have a little one, a reminder of him, who will receive my overflowing love, who will give me reason to be strong and survive each day. I feel so alone since the day he’s gone, dec 18, 2015. I wanted so badly to be just next to him again. No one among my family or friends can truly understand how deep this pain is.. we were just beginning our life together, working on our dreams.. i used to be very happy, energetic woman, always excited about the future, our future together, but now, the future seems so foreboding.. i am all by myself.

    I am not helping, Im sorry, but please know, I will be praying for you and your babies.

    Berna

    Reply

  • Sharon

    February 10th, 2016 at 4:01 PM

    Dearest Bianca,
    I am so very sorry for your loss. You are so very young to have lost the love of your life. I lost my husband of 44 years ten months ago and I am still in pain and shock. No matter how long that you were married, the pain is the same. It hurts and is very hard to believe that the wonderful man you married is gone. The only time that I do not think of my husband and is when I am sleeping. I sleep,in the middle of our bed and do not move. When I get up, I say good morning to him and pray to God. I know that God called our husbands back to Him, but we need them more here on earth. I try to think that he is with me and is looking over me wishing that I would not be so unhappy. Our lives have changed forever, but we need to have faith in the Lord which is very difficult. Bianca, you may not see your husband, but he is very close to you and your daughter and soon to be born son. Your memories of your husband will always be with you. I did notice that some of the ladies on this sight were able to contact each other. I would love to join that group. It would be great to talk on the telephone with other who are going through the same loss that we are going through. It is so true that those who not experienced the loss of their husband really do not understand the pain that we endure. Again, Bianca, you are in my prayers.

    Reply

  • Kristen

    June 3rd, 2016 at 12:36 PM

    Dear Bianca,
    I started reading this blog from the beginning in hopes of finding someone in a similar situation as me. As I read your post, I was shocked and saddened by how similar our stories are. At the same time, I’m hoping we can connect and help one another through this nightmare that we’ve been dealt. I lost my best friend, soul mate and love of my life on April 10, 2016. He was only 34 and I’m 32. We have a 3 year old daughter and I was 8 months pregnant with our son (we were waiting to find out the sex) he was born on May 16th via c-section. We would have celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary and 10 year anniversary of being together this October. Something we were both extremely excited to celebrate and honor. Never in a million years did I think in my 9th month of my second pregnancy I would be googling “young pregnant widows” instead of brushing up on caring for a newborn. What should be the most happy and celebrated time in my life has quickly become a tortorous set of very dark days. I will say, my two little loves are dragging me through this and have certainly given me a lot to smile about, but my mind doesn’t stop bouncing from fear to fear and countless moments of realizing my heart has been completely shattered and left empty. I hope your delivery went well and that you are finding moments to smile about with your daughter and son. I am so sorry to everyone who is going through this fierce pain. It is indescribable. We did absolutely everything together and he was the most considerate husband and doting daddy. The day he passed, he had just returned from a daddy-daughter date doing the food shopping for me. He helped me put everything away, cleaned up the kitchen with me and then we put our daughter down for a nap. I watched him kiss her and tell her he loved her. We went down and cuddled on the couch and had lunch. It was a very typical Sunday for us. Simple – but so filled with love and a completeness that my soul is yearning for right now. We still don’t have a report back on his cause of death, which creates all sorts of other feelings. I appreciate everyone’s candor on this site. It truly helps to know I’m not alone with my feelings and emptiness.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 9th, 2016 at 6:36 PM

    Dear Bianca,
    I cannot imagine how awful it must be for you. My life has been so different but you are right, the pain is not measured by how long you have been together but by the connection and closeness you have with your husband. You are going through something that no one should ever have to experience. To find your true love and lose him when your lives are just beginning is devastating. I was blessed to find Raul after a bad marriage and there was never one second of unhappiness in our love. We raised 6 children together with 2 full time jobs and one of the children is a special child. We were very busy in all those years but happy to have each other. We had reached a point in our lives when we were going to truly start living our “us” time.

    I often ask God why now? When Raul was given 3-12 months, I keep thinking why didn’t he get at least the 3 months but you are right, for people like us who had loves like this, there is not enough time. No time would be enough. I’m afraid I’m not much help. I’m in a lot of pain. He was a part of me, the part where all my hopes and dreams resided, my strength, my joy. I write to him in a journal every day. I’m up to 8 journals in 7 months. All I can offer is “keep breathing”. I shower, fix my hair, clean my house, make my bed… I admit I do this as a zombie sometimes and with tears in my eyes at other times but it gets me through the day. I will say this, my granddaughter (with my daughter and husband) moved in with me when Raul died. She was crazy about him and she was not even 2 but she remembers him all the time. I am convinced she can see him because I find her talking to him. I know it sounds crazy. However, she forces me to ‘put up a happy’ face for her. Her smile and everything she is learning as she grows get me through sometimes. She keeps me from locking myself in my room and crying all day because I have to care for her the days my daughter has work.
    I don’t know if any of this helps but I’m here if you need to talk.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 10th, 2016 at 9:40 AM

    Dear Bianca,
    I am so, so sorry for your loss. It is very unfair and your husband loves you still. He would not have wanted to leave you, your daughter and your baby to be. It wasn’t his choice. I know how difficult it is, I lost my Mark suddenly 5.5 months ago. I am older than you, 55, we didn’t have children and would have been married 33 years. I hope I am a young 55 as was Mark. The loneliness is awful, the feeling like a good part of you is missing goes along with me all of the time. We all wake up in the morning, with that horrible feeling that it has happened. Our comfort is shattered. I also can’t say the “D” word, instead I prefer the gentler ” passed away” and even when I say it, 5 months later I can’t believe I am applying it to my husband. I am happy that Vivian has written too, we have connected outside of this forum and it has been very helpful. It is hard for anyone else who hasn’t been through this to understand how we feel. What I find most difficult , is realizing the new normal doesn’t include my husband and he was such a huge part of my life. I do believe that our husbands are with us, somehow they are living on within us now. I know your husband will see your son, he would not miss it for the world, so somehow, some way he will be with you. You will know he is, I do believe that. He loved you and you are right, he would have never left you be a widow with two children. I wish we had some answers- I wish there was a cure for this. I read a book during the first month called “The Mediocre Widow”, it was about a young woman who lost her husband suddenly and she had 3 young children. It may be worth reading, as it is a bit of a novel and believe it or not has some humour, not that we can find a reason for humour but it has some real life situations in it. Take each day, minute by minute, that is what I am doing and know that you are not alone.

    Reply

  • Bianca

    February 10th, 2016 at 2:59 PM

    I want to thank you all for your replies. As each of you know nothing anybody says really makes it better but at 24 you can imagine I honestly don’t know any other widows. Everyone my age is getting married and starting to have babies, my husband and I were already a few steps ahead of the game. So it does give me some bit of relief to talk to other people who have been there. Other people who could give me a little insight since they have gone through the same unbearable pain. I am very blessed in a sense that he has shown me unconditional love, and showed me what it means to be truly understood, a best friend and lover all in one. I’m blessed that he has given me one beautiful daughter, and a son this April. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anybody, not even my worst enemy however I do wish the world could see life through our perspective. To have loved so unconditionally, and loved someone like there was no tomorrow, only to realize tomorrow isn’t promised to anybody. To have that thought that the only way the two of you would ever part would be a divorce. You think divorce would be the worst, however you never think death is what will separate you. I know in your vows when you get married you say “till death do us part” but that is supposed to happen when both people are 90 and laying in bed together and drift off. Not tragedies, not sickness, not any of that sort. I know that no words could not describe this tremendous pain we all feel inside, but at a time like this I try to look at the glass half full and realize I have so much to be thankful for. His life will live on forever in the eyes of his daughter and son. His memory will live on forever in the words of his me and his whole family. Not a day has gone by or will go by that I do not say his name, or share a story about him. As his wife and mother of his children I promise to him to do all I can in honoring his life, everyday I continue to live mine, I will live my life for him, because I know in my heart if he could speak to me now, that is exactly what he would tell me to do, that is exactly what all our husbands would want us all to do. It of course doesn’t make the pain any less, and I know that for the rest of my life I will suffer and hold onto this pain not only for me but for my children. I can only hope and pray that I continue to give them enough love to compensate for the ever lasting effect death has put on this family. I used to be so full of life, just like my husband was. He was the man that lived every second of every day, never wasted anytime, always on the go. I can only hope and prey I get to that point just to make him proud. As for now the “haze” is present and darker then ever, and just getting through the motions of the day is exhausting to me (being pregnant is exhausting as well) But thank you all, reaching out is something I really feel like I need to do now. To connect with others. I don’t want this membership to the “widow” club, I know we would all like to revoke our cards but with no choice on that matter it is nice to be here for each other.

    Reply

  • Carm

    February 21st, 2016 at 3:52 AM

    Hi Bianca,
    My heart is so sorry for your loss. I’d like to say it gets easier but grief is what I call the “monster”. I work through it. I think tears cleanse my soul a little bit. To my family and friends ” I’m doing great”. But this pain is ours alone. Many times, alone is where you experience it.

    Friends and family help when they don’t even know it. I’ll call them and just chat – not about my Tom – but just to hear their voice. It helps.

    I am 56 with two children, 27 and 17. The loss of our husbands is unbearable. Please take one day at a time. I wish peace for you. Calm in the midst of this storm. I’m told God never leaves us. I’m trying to lean on Him.
    Carm

    Reply

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    February 14th, 2016 at 3:58 AM

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    Reply

  • Rosa

    February 15th, 2016 at 7:15 AM

    I would love to get in touch with any ladies who are near my area, in N. Wilmington, Delaware. I am still here although I planned to move out of this state. After my husband’s sudden and unexpected death last year, (it will be one year on March 21st, 2016), I saw the Grief Counselor assigned to me by the Life Insurance company, of which I was told I can have 6 free sessions. I only saw her 3 times and decided that I dont need her. I felt that she was asking me to say and do things for a mentally sick person. I told her that I am grieving , not sick.So I stopped seeing her. I travelled to Cancun with my sister and her family, then to Bermuda to see an old friend of ours, and then I found another job that kept me very busy-been with that job. I speak to my husband everyday–I whisper to him, how much I love him. I want to just float and not think of anything. I am feeling very sad today and read most of the stories from the widows on this site. I would love to actually sit down and have a coffee or a meal with some of the widows. I hope I can have anyone meet for a lovely meal someday.. And yes, although I have family in the East Coast, I dont think, my sisters really understand my grieving. They havent lost any husband nor children.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    February 15th, 2016 at 3:48 PM

    Dear Rosa. Wish I were close to you..I too could use a friend who understands what I’m going through. I list my dear husband on November 17. I am doing better than I was in the beginning by I too have sad days that come out of the blue. My husband died after suffering for nine months with stage 4 lung cancer. He fought so hard and wanted to keep living. I am beyond sad just thinking about it. I find the more you talk about it the sadder you get. I wish you peace and tranquility.

    Carolyn

    Reply

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  • Sharon

    February 20th, 2016 at 8:19 AM

    Hello everyone, today is not a good day for me. I walk around the house not know what I am doing. I miss my husband of 44 years and the pain is not getting any better. You. An do things with friends, but when I return home, my husband is not there. I just do not understand why life has to be so complicated and difficult. I had the perfect life and now it has been shattered. I miss even the times when we were home together, just knowing that he was there was so comforting. I continue to wonder why I am still here. Any thoughts. Thank you for reading.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    February 20th, 2016 at 10:32 AM

    Hi Sharon. Not only do I understand I feel exactly the same way you’re feeling. I keep myself extremely busy but yet I come home also to an empty house. We had 40 years together. The kids are grown and on their own.
    Actually my daughter is getting married today. This is her second marriage. I feel it’s going to be a great one which I’m thankful for. However I will be sitting on the front row without her dad my husband. I will clutch his picture tightly and I know I will make it through. This hurts so bad. Some days are better than others. I’m going to hold on tight and do a lot of praying.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 20th, 2016 at 10:20 AM

    Hi Sharon,
    I know how difficult and sad it is. Tomorrow will be 6 months since my Mark has been gone. The weekends are terrible. I would have been married 33 years. I get up on Saturday mornings and am in a panic, of what to do today, and then think of what we would have done on a Saturday. You are right just the comfort of them being in the room was wonderful. I feel there is no comfort now, no form of escape or place to go to feel good. Before when you had a bad, horrible day there was some solace, now the solace and comfort have been taken away. I don’t know what to say because I am having a very difficult time too. Same thoughts that you have. I do think that somewhere down the road we will get better, maybe our comfort will return in small doses. Truly it is like having 1/2 of yourself taken and the world we now live in is so unfamiliar. It is also the familiarity that is taken with this loss. Your husband would want you to have comfort and happiness, I know that mine would. You are here because you are meant to be here, we will get better.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 20th, 2016 at 2:24 PM

    Dear Sharon, I lost my husband of 33 years and he was the love of my life. He WAS my life. You don’t mention how long ago you lost him. It’s going to be 8 months for me in a week. I hate to tell you this but this grief is something that for people like us whose husbands were our every breath is something that doesn’t go away so easy. I will tell you that doing all the right things, shower, clean, eat, and sleep gets us through the day. I know how you feel, because even as you are reading this you are saying to yourself, yes but that is not making this sadness go away. I think that the light in my heart my husband created is gone. I miss my husband every second and the silliest thing brings up memories that make me fall apart. I may not be helping but I can tell you that we can all help each other. I have connected with another person in this blog and we have been emailing and helping each other out. If you would like to reach out more personally, you can ask for my email and I will do my best.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    February 21st, 2016 at 8:44 PM

    Dear Vivian. It has been three months for me and I know exactly how you feel when you say the littlest thing can bring back a flood of memories. I find myself looking at couples out together and thinking how lucky they are. I so miss being part of a couple. I met him when I was only 21 years old and now I am a very young 78 still wanting to share my life. I see cancer treatment helping many people and I’m happy fir them but I feel cheated that my husband had less than a year and we spent most of it driving back and forth for treatment that didn’t work and I just can’t believe he’s never coming home to me.

    Reply

  • Sharon

    March 1st, 2016 at 11:11 AM

    Dear Vivian,

    Thank you for your sincere comments. I tried to rep’y earlier, but the site did not allow me to reply until today. We were married 44 years and we had the best marriage ever. Alan treated me like a princess everyday. We did everything together. As I write this , I am watching a beautiful snowfall and I see the beauty in nature. I am hoping there will come a time when I do not cry so much and not having that total empty feeling. I never thought that a death would be so difficult. I talk to him and God everyday. We all have a service to do on earth and when our service has been completed, God calls us back to with Him for eternity. I am sure hoping that in the after life we see our loved ones. Since there is no marriage in heaven, I really wonder what it will be like. I definitely would like to e change emails and then once that goes through we could talk on the telephone. Let me know how to proceed. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

    Reply

  • Allen l

    March 15th, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    Really need help. Lost my husband of 30 years suddenly . I’m so lost depressed and sad . I don’t know what to do . I feel hopeless and feel like don’t want to live anymore .

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 15th, 2016 at 5:31 PM

    Dear Allen,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we urge you to reach out.

    If you are in crisis and feel you may be in danger of harming yourself, please call 911, visit your local emergency room, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY).

    You can also visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline here:
    http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

    If you would like to talk to someone about your loss, please know you can use our site to locate a therapist or counselor in your area. Grief can be extremely difficult to work through, and a qualified mental health professional may be able to offer you support in this time.

    Simply enter your ZIP code here to find help in your area:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Vivian

    February 22nd, 2016 at 1:24 PM

    Dear Carolyn, I feel exactly the same way about Cancer. I even have trouble watching all the medicine ads on TV. I feel cheated too. Why wasn’t he one of the lucky ones. He was being tested for giving him a transplant and within 8 days we were told he was terminal. I second guess myself all the time. Should I have noticed sooner, why didn’t his regular doctor see something…But all that just makes me crazy because nothing will bring him back. I still ask why all the time and it will be 8 months in one week. I miss him so much it hurts. That wonderful part of my life is gone and so I am doing my best to keep busy. It gets me through the day. The nights are the worst, but I guess I’m surviving. I know that I will go on but that light and joy he brought to my life has been put out.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    February 22nd, 2016 at 4:35 PM

    Dear Vivian. I too question if we could have done things differently with Jim’s treatment. He was seeing a pulmonary doctor for five years and another doctor discovered his lung cancer..stage IV. We were shocked. By this time it had spread to his pelvic area (bone). We did a trial in Florida for two months..kept stabile then went to Boston Dana Farber for immunotherapy Opdivo for four months that did nothing for him. It was so difficult and he fought so hard. To watch him take his last breath was so hard. I try not to relive it. Losing a husband is something you never get over..just something you are forced to live with. I wish you peace and I’m happy to talk anytime..we are in a place neither one of us wants to be in..my love is gone in body but always here in spirit.

    Reply

  • Jane

    February 22nd, 2016 at 6:36 PM

    Carolyn and Vivian,
    I can relate to how you feel as I too wonder if I missed some symptoms from my husband, even though the doctor missed he was having heart attacks during his last 6 weeks that I also did not know were heart attacks. I kept taking him back to the doctor to complain about chest and back pain and shortness of breathe, but did not know that he was suffering heart attacks. It will be 4 months this Thursday since I lost him, and I miss him so much. I cannot believe sometimes still that he will not come back, and he is gone for ever. I only have photos and videos of him for the rest of my life…..I am here because I wake up each day and I am still breathing, but I feel my life was quashed when he breathed his last 4 months ago….I am 42, and we had a lovely marriage and great 14 years together. As we had not kids, I feel so empty and lonely and just constantly wonder how this came to be as I never even for one moment ever thought of a moment without him in my life. He had not been sick but for the last 6 weeks he complained on and off of chest pain and we saw the doctor multiple times including the day before he passed, and the doctor kept saying he had a bacteria. That has now been proven to have been incorrect, which now makes me feel we were both robbed of a life time together. I cannot get over it and blame myself for not seeking a second option from another doctor, or maybe not even being cognisant of heart attack symptoms. I struggle every day with loneliness and I miss him so much….I feel your pain and that of all the women and men on this forum who have lost the loves of their life. It is a terrible thing to experience.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    February 23rd, 2016 at 8:13 PM

    Dear Jane. You need to not blame yourself. You obviously took him to the doctor multiple times and if anyone should feel guilty it would be him. My husband went to a pulmonary dr for five years and he never found his cancer. If he had caught it early he might still be here with me. But we both need to move forward and not keep questioning what we could have done different as you can never go back. You are young and deserve a happy life so I wish one day in the distant future you will again find happiness..stay strong.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 23rd, 2016 at 7:35 AM

    Hi Jane,
    Thank you for writing. It is so difficult – the hardest, saddest thing I have ever been through. My husband and I were both sick with something like the flu the week before he passed away. He had a heart condition and I was thinking he wasn’t feeling well due to the flu, as we both were sick. He was at the doctor a few days before and said he wasn’t feeling well. The night before he passed away we were both coughing etc. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital and he said no. I should have pushed, I feel so guilty. He had a heart attack the next day. We also have no children , I am 55 we were married for 32 years. Even though my Mark had a heart condition and over the years thought what it would be like to be alone – he had bypass surgery 15 years ago and we were so afraid. I never imagined how horrible it would be. Each day is a challenge for me. I am lonely and miss him so much, just the day to day things and after work conversations, weekends are especially horrible. I am feeling what you are. I have connected with someone else on this site and have been emailing and have had an actual conversation. Maybe that would help you. I am to the point where I know in my head that we have to make a life as one , when we were two people so joined. I just don’t know how to do this. I have never been an adult as one before. I met my Mark when I was 15. Such a sad time.

    Reply

  • Eva

    February 23rd, 2016 at 6:20 PM

    Hi to all my husband passed away 1yr and 6 months ago. If loved alone could of saved him, he would of never died. I feel like my life got sucked out of me. I have 2 children so I have to keep going and be strong, but I cry every day! Please keep writing so that way I know I am not the only one who asks why. M

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    February 23rd, 2016 at 8:04 PM

    Dear Eva. Obviously from the sound of things you are a young widow and I send my heartfelt sympathies as it is so difficult raising children on your own. My husband and I were married for 55 years and still never long enough. Every so often out of the blue my husband comes to mind and I realize again he’s gone forever..I almost can’t believe it ,,,it’s like a bad dream that I keep having over and over again. Though you may not feel it now I hope one day you will find a second love as life is to precious to live it alone..God bless.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 24th, 2016 at 9:58 AM

    Dear Jane, I question myself all the time. After 34 years together, should I have noticed, did I dismiss any complaint he had. It can drive you crazy but in the end, the fact is they are gone. I think God decided it was time but I also ask him why? I was told once that God takes the really special ones. The problem is it leaves us with unbearable pain. I make an effort every day to do as expected because my husband asked me to and I would never dishonor him. I’m sure he never imagined what he was asking of me. I shower, I clean, I eat, I sleep, and I even take Yoga. It may sound simple but it is not. But I have to have faith and one day I expect him to be waiting for me to join him. Until that day when God decides it’s my time, I will live day by day.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    February 27th, 2016 at 1:09 AM

    reading this late at night, putting off going to bed without my beloved who left this realm 18 weeks and 4 days ago. you all speak my language. so sorry for us all. can’t get over it. in love with a dead man. 36 years together. my soul mate. yes, gratitude we found one another in the world. endless sorrow that he is gone, and clearly feeling that a trip to the hospital would have been enabled him to survive the heart attack that we mistook for indigestion. not clear on how to live with the sadness. wanting to hold him in my heart and in my arms. how to go on….we struggle together. thanks for this site. we cry together and…then what? he was my everything. husband. best friend. no kids, so he was my whole family………is the remainder of my life to be suffering, and if so…i want it not to go on too long though that sounds blasphemous. best to all who grieve…..

    Reply

  • Ann

    February 27th, 2016 at 6:01 PM

    Rebecca, everything you have said, I too am experiencing. It has been nearly 13 weeks since my husband passed away. I am having problems getting to sleep, thinking about all that’s happened and thinking I should have done this or I should have done that. None of this makes any difference and that makes me even sadder. I cry every night and on and off during the day, can’t believe any of it. We were married for 39 years. All I can see is my poor husband unwell, in pain, in hospital and then in a coma and then that awful decision to remove supportive care. Three days after this, he passed away, it’s unjust, he was a good, kind, gentle man who never raised his voice. Now I feel empty, is this how it will be for the rest of my life? We must all find comfort in each other on this site, may we all find a little peace.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 27th, 2016 at 11:48 AM

    This site has been very good for me. We all share the one pain so many don’t understand. A pain that we need to live with for the rest of our lives. Sometimes it is really difficult to accept that this is real. I don’t really believe that people I know could really believe they know how I feel. My husband and I had dreams and plans for the rest of our lives. I wanted to grow old with him, so what am I supposed to do now? People talk about finding a new normal but no matter what I do to cope or go on, that empty hole in my life will never be filled. He was my life, my comfort, my love, my home.

    Reply

  • Jane

    February 27th, 2016 at 10:17 PM

    Rebecca S, I so relate to you…..it was 4 months on Friday since I lost my husband to a heart attack that we thought was a stomach problem too. How I wish we had gone to emergency at the hospital…..they would have checked him and found out it was a heart attack…..he would be here still I am told….which makes it hurt even more because I feel we were robbed of our dreams, plans and life together. I have come to wish that God grants me a short life here as it is so hard living with the emptiness and loneliness I feel……I pray to God to give me strength and to call me when he is ready as I am ready now….

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    February 28th, 2016 at 5:14 PM

    Rebecca.please don’t feel you had a part in your husbands passing and whoever told you he would still be alive had he got to hospital was wrong to say that. Only God can determine when we die and many times even a hospital can’t save you. My sisters husband made it to the hospital and they couldn’t save him. Your husband would want you to continue your life. I too am grieving but I hope my life will continue for a long time and yes I cry plenty for my loss and miss him so very much, try to find a bit of happiness in each day. I wish you peace and love. Carolyn

    Reply

  • Kathy

    February 28th, 2016 at 5:37 PM

    Jane and Rebecca I feel that way also. Today (Sunday) was very hard. I tried to keep busy all day but the day was beautiful the sky was blue and the sun was shining. I cried most of this day missing Steve so much. Life is so empty for me without him. I’m feel like I’m just existing until the Lord takes me home.

    Reply

  • Ann

    February 28th, 2016 at 4:22 AM

    Vivian, your words are my words. I feel so wretched, empty inside, until this happens to you, others cannot understand. I feel like a shell with nothing left inside. I too wanted to grow old with my dear husband, to watch our grandchildren grow together. I have had health issues for the last three years, just getting back on my feet again when he became ill with cancer. Op went ok but three days later suffered cardiac arrest and never woke up. I am heartbroken, cannot imagine living without him. I understand everything you said. I feel like shutting myself away and hope this all goes away. Keep in touch on this site, it’s good to know we are altogether in this.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    February 28th, 2016 at 8:21 AM

    Hi Rebecca,
    It has been six months and one week for me. We were married almost 33 years, missed our 34th anniversary by two weeks. My Mark also had a heart attack, he had a heart condition for many years. We were both sick the week before with a cold/flu and we thought it was the flu. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital the night before and he said no. Feel so guilty all the time that I didn’t force the issue. He died at Costco the next day – really horrible. We also had no children and I am an only child. He was also my entire family so I know how you are feeling. Yesterday was possibly the only sort of okay day I have had in the past 6 months and I had hoped it would carry over to today, but no such luck. I do have some hope – they would want us to be happy and somehow we have to find that. Believe me I know how difficult a task this is going to be, but we have to do it if not for ourselves but for them.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    February 28th, 2016 at 5:23 PM

    Jackie, that was so horrible for you to have your husband die at Costco. I can’t even imagine how that would be for both of you. We can never go back ..only forward so I hope you can do that. I am pretty good most of the day and seem to have a little cry in bed at night. I just can’t believe he is gone forever.

    Carolyn

    Reply

  • Vivian

    February 28th, 2016 at 12:38 PM

    Dear Ann,
    As bad as we feel and believe me, whatever people may say, time is not necessarily a friend, just do menial things, clean, shower, read a book, etc. You will cry and I will not lie to you the sadness doesn’t leave you, at least, for me, it’s been 8 months today, the sadness is overwhelming. But Raul was such an amazing man, I want to honor him by doing my best. It is not easy and I miss him so much it hurts. Day by day. I’m here if you need me.

    Reply

  • Ann

    March 1st, 2016 at 2:40 PM

    Thanks for your kind words Vivian. Today has been a very bad day, it doesn’t help that I have difficulty sleeping and this makes you feel fragile. I still can’t believe that my husband is no longer here. Some people say that time heals, I think maybe it really means that you learn to live with the loss somehow. I’m not sure how as it has only been three months today and all I see in my mind’s eye is him in pain, in hospital, in a coma and that final awful day. My heart is broken and I feel like I have nothing left inside me. I am so sorry for you and for us all, may we all find some comfort somehow. I keep beating myself up, I should have done this, I should have said that but hindsight is a wonderful thing and we can’t change what has happened. It is good to know that we understand how we all feel, nothing can prepare you for this. Keep in touch.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 1st, 2016 at 6:22 PM

    Dear Ann, bad night for me too but, in truth, nights are really hard for me. It’s 8 months and I still can’t believe this happened. I miss him more every day. Time does not heal, it may make us numb to it, but without him my life is and will never be the same. I know people say you will have a different life, and I probably will but it will not be the life I wanted, the one we dreamed of together. I wanted to grow old, very old WITH him.

    Reply

  • Ann

    March 2nd, 2016 at 3:06 PM

    Vivian, I agree the nights are bad. I don’t really want to go to bed and when I do, I can’t sleep so end up exhausted. I think I was numb at the beginning and in shock but now it does seem worse and I keep thinking that this will all go away and everything will return to normal. I know we can’t turn the clocks back and it is what it is but it really hurts doesn’t it? When we do sleep, it’s waking up again to start the cycle again. I also think that my life was with my husband, I have children and grandchildren, they do their best to care for me but I feel they have their own lives and they too are grieving. I am going to bereavement counselling next week, I’m hoping it will help to talk to someone who is not emotionally involved. Keep in touch, try to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.

    Reply

  • Carolyn

    March 2nd, 2016 at 8:13 PM

    Dear Vivian and Ann Today was a hard day for me, I felt like I lost Jim all over again. I had to clean out his car and bring it back to the dealer. So hard picking up all his personal items he had tucked away. It was miserable. I did grow old with him but believe me it doesn’t feel any better. At least if you’re on the younger side it’s possible to meet someone you can have a life with, not the life you had but at least a friend to share life with. I find it so hard to not be part of a couple but I know I would never want to marry again. Let’s face it this is a miserable thing to go through but we have to go on living..goodnight..hope you sleep

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 3rd, 2016 at 10:28 AM

    Hi Carolyn,
    I am sorry you had to do that. The car is very difficult, we were looking for a new car just before the horrible day. I haven’t been able to take everything out yet and it has been six months. His gym bag is in there, it is like time has stood still for me, these past 6 months. It is a miserable thing to go through and you are right we have to learn to go on somehow. I am thinking that we will adjust eventually, although getting to that stage is very difficult. Wishing everyone well for the moments and hours ahead.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 3rd, 2016 at 11:38 AM

    Dear Ann, for me there would never be anyone else. When you find such a perfect love, it will always be with me. We married forever, so age in my case doesn’t matter. However, you are right I keep hoping we would have had more time but, in truth, I’m sure it wouldn’t be easier. All I feel right now is an empty hole in my life. I’m sorry to be so negative, I’m really having trouble letting go.

    Reply

  • Ann

    March 3rd, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    Vivian, I do know how you feel. Our husbands were our best friends, our soul mates, this is not how it was supposed to be. I too feel worse now than at the beginning, I too cannot let go, you are not being negative. When you love someone so much that it hurts, you cannot let go. It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that they are no longer with us. It is the most difficult thing to express and the most difficult to deal with emotionally. I hope some of my words can reach out to you, take comfort that I feel your pain. Take care and keep in touch.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 3rd, 2016 at 4:10 PM

    Dear Ann,

    Your words do help. Thank you!

    Reply

  • Anne

    March 4th, 2016 at 7:49 PM

    I lost my husband very suddenly a week ago tomorrow and the funeral was today. I am in so much pain. I had no idea this much pain was even possible. My husband was everything to me. He was my partner, my teammate, my best friend and my confidant. He made me laugh all the time. We ran a business together and I never felt that kind of cozy family feeling with anybody else ever in the world. I have lost my world. I don’t think I will ever feel joy again. Food has no more flavor and the world has lost it’s appeal. Before I met him, I prided myself on how much I liked living alone and being alone. He broke that shell and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to live without him. Every time I close my eyes, I see our time at the hospital where they were talking about his release. I see how uncomfortable he was and I think about how I didn’t get to say goodbye because he died in the morning before I could get there. I will never feel love like that again and it is such a great loss, I can’t breathe sometimes. I would also love to talk to somebody else going through the rawness of recently losing their spouse. Please be in touch in some way.

    Reply

  • Ann

    March 5th, 2016 at 3:12 PM

    Anne, so sorry to hear your news. You are not alone, everyone using this site feels the same as you. I lost my husband In December last year, it has now been three months and I don’t feel any better. I don’t think we can get over this, I think we have to find ways of living with it. The pain is still raw and yes it hurts, I too feel empty inside, my husband was my best friend and soulmate, we had been together for 39 years. Howl, scream, weep and don’t be afraid of these emotions. I too only have pictures in my head of my husband in hospital and when I had to let him go. Talk to family, talk to friends, talk to a counsellor, talk on this site. We are here to support and comfort you, keep in touch.

    Reply

  • pat

    June 4th, 2016 at 4:38 AM

    My beloved husband passed away in my arms 25/5/16. We had been together 41 years. He had been ill but had got home from hospital 19 days before he had a sudden pulmonary embolism. The doctor had been out just 2 hours before and said he had a urine infection. I feel so angry and cheated not to have more time with him. As he was dying he said to me ‘I’m going, I’m going, I’m sorry’ and then he was gone. I wish I could have gone with him. Just walk around like a zombie. Don’t want to hear another person mention grieving process, looking after myself etc….Just sitting here crying. My daughter is having a baby shower today but I feel so guilty as I couldn’t possibly attend. Just want him back. Feel so so sad , empty and lost. No point in anything.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 5th, 2016 at 12:27 PM

    Hi Anne,
    I am so sorry for your loss. It has been longer for me ( 6 months) since lost my husband, very suddenly. At first I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I wasn’t really comfortable anywhere. I know what you mean about the comfortable cozy feeling. I didn’t realize I had that until I didn’t have it any longer. It is such a great loss, you can’t even imagine what it is like until they are no longer here. I also felt like I couldn’t breathe. I can’t say I am better yet, but I am trying to figure things out. Weekends are difficult , evenings are difficult as well. I imagine it will get better over time, I hope so, we would want that for them. I now have a few moments of being okay now and then. I feel better being in my house now, at first it was awful but now it is a bit of a refuge from the day. All of us on this site understand how you are feeling and how awful it truly is. I think we learn how to live without them, I am not sure yet, I still feel very unsteady and lost but I do think we learn, we have no choice.
    I am thinking about you and wishing you a bit of an easier day, hour and minute.

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    March 5th, 2016 at 3:02 PM

    My husband of 40yrs died suddenly in front of me 23 months ago I am really struggling at this moment it feels as if I have gone right back to when it happened, so raw, hurts so much people expect you to move on how can I he was my soul mate my best friend we were together since I was 15yrs old? I miss him desperately I feel so alone although I have two wonderful daughters and precious grand children keeps me busy but when I come in through the front door my tears flow,the agony of he’s not there kills me ,my heart is broken I still cannot believe I shall not see or hear him again-Life’s a bitch!!! We had planned to do so much was going to be our time and we were so looking forward to do the things we said we’d do once the girls and their families were comfortably settled and being the brill Dad, Granddad he was he’d made sure they were as he had worked hard all his life he was our world he held our family together he was adored and loved so much why now we are all hurting so much l grief has no time limit only those who have walked our walk know this!! He died no warning one minute talking to me the next gone I still cannot come to terms with what happened-our to do list no more!!! My to do list these days is take one day at a time and when grief takes hold so tight take one breath at a time,then one minute, one hour and I know now shall never get over losing my wonderful husband my best friend, my soulmate but learn to walk beside grief and live with it and once I can do this I can look back and remember the happy memories of our life together and smile again-I can only hope this happens soon…..

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 5th, 2016 at 8:00 PM

    hi widows and others i see i posted a few weeks ago. i read what comes in to my gee mail but i haven’t been here for a while. i was trying to work but i can’t so i came over here. i appreciate you all sharing…..it seems we are all in the same boat and it is sinking. how to live with the pain and….i have no interest in a new normal. i want time to go backwards. all i want is to be with steve. 36 years together. now 136 days apart. it is too hard. i have no family. i love our 4 cats. i worry what will happen to them if i die….and i feel horrible for wanting to die, when i have health…but i have a broken heart. later this month i will go to the place that carves stones and get one to go over our adjacent graves….so i am getting ready to be by his side….but i have so much work on earth to do. to get his papers in order. i will be 65 in a month. he died a month and 5 days before his 68th. i love him SO MUCH. i am not functioning well. how can we? i do not think i should have any more years on this earth than he had. we share(d)) everything. i struggle to imagine making it that long. i am surprised not to read of broken hearted widows committing suicide, but i do not see that in the paper. but i do not feel alive. how are we to manage? the people who say “let go of him” and “move on” really do not understand. but you do…..thanks for sharing. this pain is not what my husband wanted for me…this heart ache…any more than what i wanted for him was for his heart to stop. i’ve found minimal help from grief counsellors. i feel like i have a switch stuck on SAD and i do not like to be around ppl because i feel like i am ms. bummer . YOU know. what do we do…suffer and suffer or….what? there is no cure for this. to cry for 5 years? why live? you understand. any clues on how to live with this loss …..thanks. not doing well. you all help. thanks to this site and you contributors

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 5th, 2016 at 9:36 PM

    also: how many of us are so sad we want to give up and be buried in the ground beside our soul mates sooner than later? i am waiting to die of a broken heart, some of the time, many days. many of us feel this…especially if our lives were very intwined and we were in love and together for many years and want no new normal but the good old love..you know? really…. thanks

    Reply

  • Cathyf

    August 11th, 2019 at 5:00 PM

    Rebecca,
    Wondering how you’ve made it through I was with my husband for 33 years it has only been three months for me yet I see no hope. No children no pets no support system no interest in being in this world without him I too am wondering if there is a quick and easy way out. Cathy

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy Team

    August 12th, 2019 at 7:59 AM

    Hi Cathyf,

    Thanks for your comment. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, http://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your postal/zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area. If you’re looking for a counselor that practices a specific type of therapy, or who deals with specific concerns, you can make an advanced search by clicking here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/advanced-search.html

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list, you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information.

    The GoodTherapy Blog can also be a valuable resource for finding some of the information you are looking for. Please feel free to browse our thousands of mental health and therapy-related articles.

    If you are experiencing a life-threatening emergency, in danger of hurting yourself or others, feeling suicidal, overwhelmed, or in crisis, it’s very important that you get immediate help! Information about what to do in a crisis is available here: http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

  • Vivian

    March 6th, 2016 at 6:29 AM

    Dear All, I just found this writing someone sent and it talks about something that might help. It has been 8 months for me. I wish I could say I’m getting better, but what people don’t get is this, ‘getting better at what?’ Yes, I find myself learning to live my life without him but I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever the loneliness of living without him overwhelmes me. I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that we had. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

    As for grief, I find it comes in waves.

    I found this writing that explains it well.
    In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

    Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

    Reply

  • Ann

    March 8th, 2016 at 3:27 PM

    Thank you for that Vivian, it is helpful. I don’t know what the matter is with me at the moment, I haven’t so bed my heart out for two days and feel bad because I haven’t. I have felt that the pain and weeping keeps me connected to my husband but now without the weeping I’m frightened I’m letting go. It almost feels like he’s been gone for much longer than three months. I feel at the moment that he’s somewhere else and will be returning home soon. This may sound weird but can anyone else relate to this? It breaks my heart that I’m not crying, I feel, well I don’t know what I feel, just very strange at the moment.

    Reply

  • berna

    April 6th, 2016 at 7:00 AM

    Vivian,

    You’re right.. the pain can be like the waves..just that in my case after nearly 4months now.. they are still 100 feet tall and are crashing me hard still.. i keep praying i would be next to him pretty soon, i really can’t fathom why do i have to be left here all alone, why me, a weakling,a coward. My husband would provide all that i need, would have a solution to my every problem, the only constant in my life..but he’s gone now. I feel so hopeless and alone.

    Reply

  • Francisca

    March 7th, 2016 at 12:12 AM

    Lost my husband of 11 years 3 weeks ago from stage 4 colon cancer. We fought together for 4,5 years of chemo, many surgeries and radiation. Last year in October, he had to do emergency surgery and doctors told us that he might not able to make it. I was so scared that I might lost him but he came out just like many previous surgeries. He was a fighter. He kept going on because of him, he said that to all of our friends and families. The journey to recovery went on for almost 5 months at the hospitals. Every single day I spent time to be with him and take care of him. Never miss a day. I brought him home at the end of January because we wanted to recover at home and get some strength so we could enjoy whatever time we had left somewhere outside the states. Just a week after his home, unexpectedly … he … held on ever so strong to stay alive for me … had to give in and he was just gone in my arms. It was like a horror movie, paramedics, fire departments, polices at the house trying to save him. I called his name over and over again. Telling him how sorry I am I couldn’t make him better, couldn’t save him. All the guilt flooding into my body. He was my everything, we did everything together. We have no children. We are one. He adored me, he cared for me so so so much and I will always thinking and hoping that he knew that I am too, adore him, cared for him so much that no matter how hard this journey I’d stay to care for him. How to go on knowing someone who you chose to be together at the beginning is no longer there. I still keep his mobile number and texting him and me replying from his phone to me. I keep his ashes next to me at night. What’s the point of living is he’s not here anymore. I feel lost … he was the one I trust. I give my life for him. I told in front of friends and families at the memorial service, if my life just to care for him, I would do it over and over again. I love him and I miss him so dearly. Every morning, I am thinking that I am going to see him at the hospital. At night, I am waiting for him to get back from work. It just not right. The sad cloud is engulfing me and I am wrap myself with it like a blanket. It is me and him in sadness and sorrow that none of us want to go

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 7th, 2016 at 8:44 AM

    Hi Francisca,

    Thank you for sharing what you’re experiencing in the blog comments. We just wanted to reach out with some instructions for finding a therapist on our website, as many are trained to help people process and cope with grief, loss, and bereavement. If you decide you would like to reach out to a professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Wishing you and all those grieving the best,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • ShirleyO

    March 7th, 2016 at 3:00 AM

    Hi -yes its a pain unbearable at times but what else can we do but carry on-where I live there is no group to meet up with others going on the same journey through intense grief when I had to turn to Cruse for help I was desperate!!My heart bleeds for widows who have no family and to have to endure this intense pain we grieve alone as I know I would not be here only for my daughters and grandkids they give me reason to carry on I see the hurt in their eyes loosing their Dad,Grandad and could not put them through the pain of loosing me therefore life goes on and our suffering too for me time moving on has not healed and how I feel right now the pain I suffer once I’m home alone I cry,I hate the loneliness the missing him every second of every day- we were together for 40years and did everything as one even ran a business which I coul not carry on without him and had to close and the decisions that face us widows in every day life becomes harder and a burden-I have no energy anymore,I feel so drained and tired I have not sleept a single night through since 5am that morning when it happened,if I fall asleep I wake up the exact time 5am and re-live the moment my hubby left me -so hard to carry on I became a widow at 58 my hubby was only 60 we lived our life young at heart he was my world he always had a smile on his face the family adored him such a happy go lucky presence about him and I miss him sooooooooooooooooooooooo much I feel dead inside!
    I wish I could meet up with others going through this heartbreak or even talk on the phone with one who understands-for now I am so thankfull I found this website-I feel for everyone of you because I understand this pain and wish you all the best that we can only be without our other half.X♡X

    Reply

  • Kathy

    March 7th, 2016 at 8:29 AM

    Shirley I too had 40 years with my husband. He was 61 when he died. There is a hole I cannot fill. I have two adult children and 5 grandchildren. I can make sure you get my email address and then we can exchange numbers. It’s nice to talk to someone who is going through the same thing you are.
    Warm regards,
    Kathy

    Reply

  • Eleanor

    March 7th, 2016 at 4:43 PM

    Hi just read your post and I would like to pass on my heart felt sympathy. I lost my husband the love of my life in October 15 we had been married for 40 years when he got cancer five months later he died. He was only 60 and my life is so unbearably lonely without him it’s very hard to imagine doing things without him I feel lost and lonely just living in limbo. I also am lucky to have three children and three grandchildren they are my rocks and my reason for living. Five weeks ago I lost my beautiful Mum and I don’t feel able to grieve for her as I am already broken hearted I just feel numb. I hope you can find the strength to get through this with the love and support from your family hopefully through time this pain will become more bearable for us all. God bless x

    Reply

  • Carole

    March 7th, 2016 at 4:05 PM

    Sending love to all my fellow widows/widowers here. I posted some weeks ago and am just checking in. I read everyone’s stories and feel your pain. Lost my husband 5 months ago. The underlying stress has made my blood pressure go up but doctor has not put me on meds for it as she says its just stress. I also got a scare and found a few blood spots in my underwear ( I’m 7 years past menopause) and was a bit frightened because that is the first system my only sister who died in 2014 had from her very aggressive uterine cancer that killed her in 14 months. I went right in the next day to my gyno and she did a uterine biopsy ( agony) and pap…both came back negative so she also said it could be caused from stress. Even though I do not feel really stressed I guess my body is and knows it. At this point I am just trying to accomplish one productive thing each day. My crying every day has stopped. I still cry but I have made it through a few days at a time without crying. My life still feels so empty. 42 years with someone (since I was 16) and then he is gone. I just want to be with him again. I have so many dreams lately, due no doubt to emotional turmoil, I just cannot imagine living the rest of my life without him. No one will ever know me like he did or understand me like he did. I just continue to feel like half of me is gone. And it is, when we married God said He made us one flesh. And I will always feel I am married to him and him alone.

    Reply

  • ShirleyO

    March 8th, 2016 at 3:41 AM

    Hi thanks Kathy-yes it is good to share and talk and know we are not alone!You cannot expect someone who hasn’t been through loosing a close loved one understand unless they have been through it themselves so when they say such things as “You’re young enough you may find someone else its time to move on come on pull yourself together he wouldn’t have liked you being this sad,move house too many memories,a new start.you lucky to have had great life together etc……my reply I wanted more…….they have no idea how could they if they did they’d never say such things!!
    I am trying so hard I want to remember our life together the happy memories not the day he died…………..Only for my family I wouldn’t be here-I even thought I’d die of a broken heart……..the pain of missing him so intense!
    Friends say I am doing well and I should be kinder to myself and recognise I am still a loving Mother and Naini (welsh word for Grandma)and I am allowed to smile and be happy be the Shirl I was -I look in the mirror I do not see her she died with my Ieu-the new Shirl is learning slowly to live one day at a time-all I can do-just like everyone on this website this world is alien to us and ther are no sign posts or maps we can only try our best to go forward at our own pace- some days so hard even to put one step in front of the other and yes we may go backwards but slowly I now know there are better days today is one of them but who knows what tmrw brings -we can only try……….this web site I found a few days ago helps me and just knowing I am not alone on my journey-here we we have each other-thank you!

    Reply

  • Francisca

    March 8th, 2016 at 10:04 AM

    ShirleyO, I feel so bad when friends and families saying those thing you mentioned above, move on, lucky, he wanted you to move on, happy etc … Feel bad because I wanted to say, you don’t know how I feel right now. I wish for anyone doesn’t have to go through what I’m going through because I feel life is stop. It’s undescriable feeling. So sad, painful, hurt that I don’t wish anyone to go through. Mine stop on that night

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 8th, 2016 at 11:08 AM

    Dear ShirleyO, you are not alone. No one understands except those of us who are going through it. I was given great advice though, don’t let anyone tell you how you grieve or for how long, your grief is your own. It has been 8 months for me and I have stopped worrying about what people think. I will start crying in the middle of the supermarket and I, well, it’s how I feel. This site has helped. We are here.

    Reply

  • Audrey

    March 8th, 2016 at 7:41 PM

    I lost my Dear Husband5 months ago on Oct 5,2015.It was on our 36 Anniversary. He had been telling me for 2 months he didn’t think he was going to make it. I keep telling him he was being silly. He had been Sick with dementia for 3 years and he was getting worse day by day he’s been in rehab and spent one week and they sitting home. Then on Monday of September 26th the home nurse sitting back to the emergency room the doctor sent him back to rehab on that day. He was doing fine on the 28th of September I went into rehab because I’d had a total knee replacement done and I thought that I would be good for him and me both be together. The ER doctor had said that he had Parkinson’s they didn’t know test to prove this or anything but at 8:30 on the 28th at night they gave him a new pill for Parkinson’s. By 9 o’clock and was tearing up things so they sending back to the hospital well on October 5th 2015 5 minutes till 12 he passed away I had to take the ventilator off in believe me that was the hardest thing I believe I’ll ever have to do in my life I feel like that he’s upset with me because I did this and I haven’t been able to grieve because when I do start to cry or get upset people tells me I’m not a pity party in my heart and soul so it’s true but nobody can tell you how to grieve. If they have not been in your shoes I’ve been through what you’ve been through they don’t know. He was my second marriage but I have been with him since I was 25 years old and there will never be another one like him for me and I’ve truly believe I will never even try to I know I won’t never try to find one like him or 1. Thank you for listening and may God bless you and have peace.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 8th, 2016 at 11:42 AM

    Hi Francisca,
    I can relate to what you are saying. I also don’t have children and on top of all of that, I am an only child. I am 55 and still work, there are moments when I am okay, well not really but I guess I just can’t believe I am alone in the world now. I go home and there is no one there expect my cat, thankfully I have her. I don’t even want to clean my house, because I think why do it just for me. We also did everything together. My life stopped as well 6.5 months ago. I do see that we have to go one, we need to try. I have connected personally with someone else on this site and it is helpful. The pain is terrible and nobody else that hasn’t been through it quite understands how horribly sad and lonely it is. Sometimes I have a few good moments at night and then in the morning it just hits all over again. Truly the absolute worse situation. Lets try to be better, we have to do it for them . We would want them to be okay if we were the ones to have gone first. I just keep thinking that.

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  • Francisca

    March 8th, 2016 at 12:08 PM

    Jackie, your last sentence, “We would want them to be ok if we were the ones to have gone first.” It speaks to me more than they want us to be ok. It us who really feel the sadness … I don’t know nor feel how my husband feels at this moment but I do know that I care for him so much that he shouldn’t feel any misery or pain (referring back when we fought the cancer)

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 8th, 2016 at 4:45 PM

    Dear Ann, I can relate. I have been feeling differently lately and when I spend time without crying or “busy” I tend to think it distances me from him. I hate that. Our love was so amazing that I sometimes feel like I am moving away from him whenever I am coping even for a few hours. He will always be my love, my memory of what true love really is.
    It’s a very confusing time. I don’t know what is happening and every day brings something new. I don’t know why God wanted me to live without him and I still question even though we are not supposed to but I still wonder. All I know is that when difficult times come around, it will be up to me alone to handle and I don’t feel that strong without him.

    Reply

  • Shirley

    March 9th, 2016 at 4:31 AM

    Hi I would like to share a message my friend sent me this morning-
    “And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through,how you managed to survive.You won’t even be sure,in fact whether the storm is really over.But one thing is certain,when you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in”
    So true!!♡X

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 9th, 2016 at 6:21 AM

    Hi,
    Everyone is saying what I am thinking and feeling. I don’t want to move away, if I don’t have it in my mind I feel like I am moving away and I don’t want to let him go in my mind. He was part of my life for 33 years and just letting him drift off like a helium balloon, the higher it goes up in the air you see it less and less. I don’t want him to feel like I am letting him drift away from me. It isn’t as though I would replace that space with anything or anyone else either, it is just a continued emptiness and feeling of sadness. So hard to explain, I am sure we each have our own journey within a journey with our own losses. It is so , so difficult. We just get through one day, and one minute at a time.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 9th, 2016 at 9:51 AM

    Dear Audrey, I mentioned this before but I will repeat it because it was the best advice I ever got. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your grief. NO ONE understands this overwhelming pain, unless they have gone through it. I lost my husband of 33 years 8 months ago and I seriously cannot imagine ‘getting over’ this loss. He was my love, the epitome of a perfect love, I will not have or ever want another. I questioned myself a lot about the decisions I made in those last days and I still wonder if I did things right but when we have loves like this, I believe that we did what we believe was right and that all our actions came from the love we had (or have) for them. Don’t second guess yourself and grieve as long and any way you need to. If people don’t understand, so what. My brother who lost a son 10 years ago told me, “you don’t HAVE to do anything, It’s time for you to think of yourself and deal with your pain your way”
    Hope this helps

    Reply

  • Lindsey

    March 9th, 2016 at 12:37 PM

    Your grief is immeasurable. It seems Impossible for others to understand. It seems impossible to deal with. “Getting Over it” will never happen, but you WILL get through it! The bad days will become less frequent. You will be able to reflect on happy memories and enjoy them, instead of overwhelming sadness. There is no timetable of when this all will happen, but I promise you it will. Here is what has helped me: When Evan passed, I didn’t know what to do. One of his friends wrote me a letter about how they met and her memories with him and what he meant to her. I wrote a response back and never mailed it. A couple months later i found the notes. I can’t explain what I felt reading those words months later. But I sat and wrote all the memories I could think of. The good, the bad, what I was feeling and my thoughts, and what was going on with my life, how I couldn’t get out of bed, how I felt no ons there for me. How I felt I should “get over it”… then I put them in a box. I keep writing, even 8 years later. My memories, my thoughts, my feelings and I do it in the moment. Even if I am out to lunch and a thought crosses my mind, i scribble it on a napkin. I date everything and I put it in the box. I call it my bad day box. Because when one of those bad days come, I go to the box. I read memories, that were faded. I read about how I never thought I’d be able to go on. I read about the friends who were there for me, even though at the time I didn’t realize it. I cry, I laugh, I have reached a place where even though my heart still breaks, I can enjoy and appreciate the time we had together. Now, when someone’s loved one passes, I create a ‘bad day box’ for them. I write my memories of that person. I’ve had a lot of people thank me, years later for doing this for them. Another thing that I do, is that I start to be aware of what is *really* going on around me. When I do that, I notice what I call “The little Okays” or Checkins. An example is last night, Evan would order a Cuba Libre instead of ordering what it was – a rum and coke with a lime. Waiters/bartenders rarely knew what a Cuba Libre was and I’d roll my eyes when he ordered it. “Just order a rum and coke with a lime!” I’d say every time. I was at a dinner with prospective clients that I was really trying to ‘woo’ over last night. I was really nervous, scared I might blow it. A moment where I needed Evan. One of the guys ordered a rum and coke. The waiter asked if he would like to make it a Cuba Libre. The guy said “Whats that? Some fancy rum?” The waiter said “Rum and coke with a lime.” I smiled and took it as Evan just “Checking in” letting me know that he’s there. That I got this. After that my tensions eased and I signed the clients. I wrote about the “Check in” and stuck it in my box. I hope some of that helps and my heart is with you all.

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  • Jane

    March 9th, 2016 at 3:39 PM

    Hi Jackie and everyone feeling like this……I am stressing about my husband thinking I am drifting away from him because I am now starting to do other things like watch tv, go visit friends etc and I am struggling to look at his photos as they bring me so much sadness and I struggle to stop crying when I look at them. I love him so much and cannot love anyone else like I loved him. I will never remarry, he will always be my soul mate, but because I am crying less now and starting to do a few things, I am worried if he thinks I am drifting away and it stresses me a lot….
    He wanted his ashes scattered and I have not done so in 4 months now…..I feel guilty to still try to hold on. Has anyone scattered ashes months or years later and how did you feel after doing that?

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  • Kathy

    March 10th, 2016 at 3:05 AM

    Hi Jane, Steve and I talked about ashes. I have his tucked away in a nice place out of view because the urn was a constant reminder of death and I needed to see reminders of our good life together, pictures etc. when it is my time for the Lord to take me home my children are to mix our ashes together and then place them at the cemetery we chose. I hope you find what’s best for you.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 10th, 2016 at 6:21 AM

    Hi Jane and everyone,
    I am hoping that everyone reading this feels included in the conversation. I know exactly what you mean Jane, I also think the same, is he thinking I am drifting away, does he think his life was meaningless or that I didn’t love him. I just had to write this, even though it isn’t a “general comment”, but I am sure all of you can relate to this in your own situations. Today I am at work, I also have a work meeting this evening. Normally when I had meetings I would meet my Mark somewhere for dinner after work and before the meeting because I didn’t want to go home and drive back, we would meet halfway between my work and home. I now have 3 hours to myself and no one to be with really. I just keep thinking we would have gone here or there, the day would have been nice, instead it is an endless sad day that only reminds me how much I miss him. We all have situations similar to this I am sure, just things we took for granted that are now not there. It is the small things like this that make up your life.

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  • Shirley

    March 10th, 2016 at 3:51 PM

    Hi Kathy-Not sure how I go about getting your e-mail details as you suggested please advice-thanks!
    Thanks Vivian for your kind words-yes I also have cried in public places when such raw emotion engulfs your body you canno hide and its good to cry……alsoI don’t feel the need to appologise anymore afterall I am trying my best to carry on in this strange unknown world where everything has becom a first-first time sleep alone in our bed,first time when got to  make sure all doors etc locked,first time I sort the bills,first time deal with Ins important paperwork,first time in the car without my hubby,first time to go shooping alone,first time ………..first time …….first time…..everything has become a first time-we always did everything together and why I can only take one day at a time-this is me now and who I have become but on bad days all the firsts that I have done change back to being wasthe last time I was in the car with him,the last time we went shopping together,the last time we did this………….,the last time we did that…….etc,etc.-I am sure you all feel the same and its no wonder we have no control of our tears they just come whenever wherever we are!!
    So many strange happenings have occure-while I was really having a black day I couldn’t stop crying all of a sudden I smelt my hubby’s aftershave so strong so real was such a comfort I belived he was there with me though deep down I could not explain what had happened and this has happened again a few times since -even one of the grandkids she’s only 4yrs old when visiting said I can smell Taid(welsh name for grandad)where is he………..also when I am often out in our garden one we planned and planted together from scratch a Robin will appear on the fence and sing and stays around for longer on those sad black days I have……..such a comfort to me and I wonder and want to belive ………..also when I got back in the car after visiting his grave and I turn the radio on was playing our favourite song……..I’m comforted and want to belive…..also the other night I swear I could hear his key in the lock and he’d appear any minute-the mind so powerfull at times that you can only belive can be help sent to get me and you through this nightmare were in because I’m sure some of you will have had similar happenings while going through the heartbreaking journey were on and so so difficult now were here alone.
    Do any of you feel there’s a madness in our grief-the anger,the talking aloud,the hate when seeing other couples,other grandads,other daughter’s with their Dad,the wanting to run out of the door and keep on running…,the swearing which I never did,the sudden change in my personality its no wonder some days I look in the mirror and don’t recognize who I am anymore I hate being a Widow,I am NOT single-I am still Ieu’s wife now and will always be -Yes belive me there is madness in grief cos I’m living it……………….
    I have read so many books about our grief and looked at other websites but so glad I found this one-Thank you all !!♡XX

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  • Kathy

    March 10th, 2016 at 5:20 PM

    Shirley I have contacted the people good therapy and requested to have my email address given to you . Keep putting one foot in front of the other we will get through this together!
    Kathy W

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  • Vivian

    March 10th, 2016 at 4:25 PM

    Dear Jane, I have Raul’s ashes at our home. It’s what we decided. It may not be for everyone but for me it is reassuring. We agreed that his ashes would stay with me until I go and then we will be together. It is up to the kids where, as long as we are together.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 12th, 2016 at 12:09 AM

    kind people, do you ever look for a culture that gives you or me or us permission to give up? give up. i do not want to be sad forever and have no faith in the sadness stopping. do we have permission….do we need permission….to let the pain stop? i mean stop. to go to be with our beloveds. in the ground (mine is)—-sometimes i want to work and do what i can and then just…..allow myself to die of grief or of a broken heart. as if i could plan anything. as if we have the power. i just miss and love him so. 20 weeks, 3 days without after 36 years with. i feel no future. i only want the past. and sometimes the sadness cannot be switched off. you know. . so…????? thanks & good wishes amidst sorrow and pain…..and love love love…it’s all because we were lucky enough to find the right person to love and be loved by…..and then to grieve….so soon, grief? love lives but…the pain is so difficult…you know. YOU know….. the days we feel so lost…where is my mate? a waking nightmare=he is gone……:.(………… (thanks you readers)

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 12th, 2016 at 12:36 PM

    Dear Rebecca S R,
    I completely understand and, believe me there are very few times when I just don’t want to stay in bed and wait for my time to come. And even though I believe in God and His goodness, I have trouble understanding why He left me here and separated us when I am certain He gave us the amazing love Raul and I shared for 34 years. There are so many things I don’t understand and the pain is sometimes truly overwhelming. Every day is a new challenge and there are steps I take to get through it. Mostly mechanical actions that simply make time go by. I shower, I dress, make my bed, clean my house, read a book (actually I can’t concentrate but audiobooks in the car keep me from crying on my trip to anywhere), go to the supermarket (even if I cry) and so forth. I can tell you it makes the time go by and it makes me feel that he wanted me to do just that and honoring my husband’s wishes is really important. I’ll be honest, the joy in my life is gone and after 8 months, I don’t think my life will ever be the same but it makes me feel that if I have faith, I will be reunited with him whenever God decides. I wish I could say more comforting words but I can say that I am here and also a lot of others in this site, who really feel your pain

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    March 12th, 2016 at 7:40 PM

    How I empathise with all that I have read here, know how it feels to be so deeply gut wrenchingly empty and can relate to Shirley and the after shave smell, tunes on radio at specific times, the anger and guilt I feel too when I see couples happy together while I feel so dark and empty inside. The finality of seeing yourself described on documents as a “widow”, wanting to scream “No”, I’m not”. Yes, I agree there is madness in our grief, you, wonder if you’ll ever really be yourself again when you’ve forgotten who you were anyway.
    Lindsay, how right you are with the little check ins and OK’s, the mind is powerful, but like you I believe these messages arrive unexpectedly and at a time when you really need them, at a time when you would never think of them. Yesterday after breaking down and sobbing over a tin of sardines in the aisle of the supermarket ( my husband loved them, he passed away 6 months ago), I came home made a cuppa and sat down, still sobbing, so upset, exhausted. As I sat there I realised that the atmosphere had suddenly changed and the room was full of comforting warmth and I felt as though my husband was there with me. It was like old times, hard to describe it as it was a feeling of overwhelming love and being loved and I felt happy and content for the first time since he died. I too have smelled him suddenly outside of the home when I have been alone and could see no point going on. Heard the songs we loved on the bus, in stores and on the radio when I was feeling desperate and that life was not worthwhile. I do feel that these things are being sent to try to comfort us when we desperately need them, have never been spiritual at all, but feel that it cannot all be our minds playing tricks on us.
    Sending everyone all the strength they need to continue living, despite everything. I hope that comfort comes to all you in whatever form will help you the most – with love from Rebecca xxx

    Reply

  • Rich S.

    March 13th, 2016 at 5:49 PM

    It’s almost 9 pm and I was just outside in my PJs looking for my wife’s calico cat, “Poodles” I did a walk around the sheep pasture where our 3 sheep, Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail silently watch this new nightly ritual of mine. I shine the flashlight through the woods hoping to see the reflection of the cats bright yellow eyes. I spend a half hour looking around the property and barn. I’m concerned that maybe something caught her but then as I get back to the house I see “Poodles” patiently waiting for me by the kitchen door.

    My wife, Janet died of Pancreatic cancer on 02/03/16 and that darn cat, which I did not want 11 years ago is now a very important link to Janet. On December 20th Janet decided to go to the local ER because of what we thought was acid reflux which had been bothering her for the previous week. The next day the hospital informed us that there was a mass on her pancreas. I immediately made arrangements with Sloan in NYC. At first the doctor viewing the CAT scan felt the cancer was limited to the pancreas. After a second CAT scan 2 weeks later they informed us the cancer was in the liver and was extremely aggressive, there was nothing they could do. We went home to the steady stream of visits from family and friends. Five days after the last diagnosis Janet passed with me by her side.

    Janet and I met on my first day of work in September 1978. I have to admit that being a typical 24 year old mail what I really first noticed an 18 year old slim blond wearing a black corduroy jump suit with red trim. In the beginning we hung around together in a social after work group. I did not ask her out since I thought the age difference of 6 years was too much. Then one day she was 20 and I 26, seemed she was catching up to my age so we left the “group” and went out on our official first date.

    Janet was very health conscious, maintained a weight of 125lbs, exercised daily, vegetarian for 20 years. We would travel to the health store in Ottsville every Sunday to pick up groceries and have lunch. We were living the life and our dream together on our small farm at the end of the lane. Janet still worked where we first met while I took a new job which allowed the flexibility of working from anywhere. I choose to get a small office within a block of Janet’s workplace. We drove in together, had lunch and discussed our day on the ride home, it never got old. As it will be inscribed on our headstone, she loved me and I loved her.

    While we prayed for her recovery I also added a silent prayer that if it was not to be that she would not suffer. Only that silent prayer was answered. Within moments of being given the initial diagnosis Janet said she accepted any outcome as it was Gods will. Never once in those 43 days did she cry, get angry or ask why me? Her grace was inspiring to everyone around her. We did have time to talk and reflect on our 35 years together. I can honestly say we had no regrets or bad days. During her final days Janet had ask that I honor several of her requests.

    1. “Quit that stupid job”……..I did

    2. “Buy a new SUV”……..I did

    3. “Help Mark with his website”…..I am

    4. ” Don’t kill yourself”…..Although death would be a welcome relief I’m still here.

    5. “Look after our 7 nephews and 1 niece”……I’m trying. About 1 week after Janet was diagnosed with PC our 21 year old nephew was diagnosed with PC. Two days after

    Janet’s passing the nephew had a Whipple performed at Sloan. He still has 6 months of Chemo ahead and will be having a CAT scan done in two days because of

    reoccurring symptoms….. Please pray for him.

    8. “Don’t move some hot number in here”….Janet was teasing because she knew I never would or ever will.

    9. “Don’t sell the farm”…..not in my lifetime.

    10. And “Spread my ashes across the property” she loved so much…….I will.

    I was truly blessed to have been loved and to have loved Janet all these years. The life we had together most people could only dream of. It gives me strength to get up in the morning.

    As you know from your own experience the pain is overwhelming and unbearable but Janet expected me to handle it and not give up……I won’t.

    I ask God to help all of us through our pain and suffering…….he will.

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  • Kathy

    March 13th, 2016 at 9:10 PM

    Beautiful. Only one word necessary. God Bless

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  • Carole

    March 13th, 2016 at 8:47 PM

    I’m so sorry Rich….your story was touching and inspiring. I am sure Janet is proud of the wonderful she left behind. Continue to honor her with your strength. You will see her again and no doubt the cat will be there too when you do :-)

    Reply

  • Janice

    March 14th, 2016 at 1:26 PM

    I have been following this blog since last November–my husband of 47 years died of sudden cardiac arrest on October 29, 2015 one day after being discharged from the hospital after an ICD implant. He died in our hotel room the morning we were planning to leave for home. It never occurred to either of us that we wouldn’t be going home together. Almost five months now and I am still grieving deeply. Your comments bring me into a different world where I feel your pain and loss as well. Thank you!

    Reply

  • Shirley

    March 15th, 2016 at 4:51 AM

    Rich-she will always be with you reading your story one can feel the love between you-I now understand when people tell me/us how lucky we are- I had 40 wonderfull yrs with my hubby,my soul mate,my best friend my everything and its because of the love we had I’m hurting so much as everyone on this website will agree and understand-were all on this journey together and can help each other !”
    “Grief is not a disorder,or a sign of weakness.
    It is an emotional,physical and spiritual neccesity-the price you pay for ♡love.
    The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
    “Goodbye hurts-
    When the story is not finished
    and
    the book has been closed.
    Thank you everyone-your words help so much !!XX

    Reply

  • Rich

    March 15th, 2016 at 5:26 AM

    Kathy, Carole and Janice:
    Thank you for your responses. I think we are all in a place that we never would have imagined.
    I pray for all of you to find the strength you need. I will be heartbroken for the rest of my life but I can feel Janet moving me forward. It will never ever be better than what I had but it will be a life that reflects her continued love for me.

    Rich

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  • Jackie

    March 15th, 2016 at 6:46 AM

    Hi Janice,
    I am so sorry for your loss, that must have been so frightening for you , my husband also died suddenly although he had a heart condition for many years. It is a different world without them in our lives. You realize when they are gone how much you lived for them, what a huge part of your life they were and what their absence means in terms of your everyday life, I feel like my normal existence is gone. How I long for just one more “boring” day of doing nothing, the comfort of it, the normal feeling that was my life. All of our lives. Janice, we understand your sadness and hope that it is a little comforting, knowing that others can relate so well to how you are feeling. That it is a difficult journey. It has been almost 7 months for me and it has not moved forward very much. In fact, moving forward feels like moving away and that is a very hard place to be mentally. you are not alone.

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  • Murl

    March 15th, 2016 at 11:52 AM

    I lost my husband of 47 years this past November. He was murdered by our oldest grandson (age 24). I’ve not only lost my husband, but now my daughter (grandson’s mother) is not talking to me anymore. I feel confident the grandson’s lawyer has told her to distant herself from the family if she wants to help her son. I have not been discussing the grandson with her at all for fear of causing conflict. I just want to join my husband.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 15th, 2016 at 11:54 AM

    Dear Murl,

    Thank you for your comment. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we do want to encourage you to reach out. If you would like to talk about this or any other concern with a mental health professional, feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,

    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 15th, 2016 at 12:09 PM

    Oh Muri, I feel for you. We are all here if you need to talk.

    Reply

  • Shirley

    March 16th, 2016 at 6:09 AM

    Hi I had someone come visit me yesterday (hadn’t seen her since the funeral!)anyway her first words to me was”Are you better Shirl?”-What!!-i wanted to scream at her but instead I passed her the following to read-
    “Just so you know…..
    I can’t stop grieving just because
    you belive it is time for me to move on…..

    I can’ t stop hurting just because
    you do not understand the piercing
    pain in my heart……
    I cannot stop my tears
    from flowing just because they
    make you uncomfortable…..
    My heart is not suddenly mended
    just because you belive that
    I have grieved long enough…..
    I will grieve the loss of my loved one
    for the rest of my life…..
    Just so you know.
    I think she will think before she speaks next time she see’s me.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 16th, 2016 at 7:33 AM

    Dear Allen,
    I really do understand how you feel. It’s been 8 months since I lost my husband and I KNOW my life will never be the same. I wrote this in a previous posting. I hope it helps
    I just found this writing someone sent and it talks about something that might help. It has been 8 months for me. I wish I could say I’m getting better, but what people don’t get is this, ‘getting better at what?’ Yes, I find myself learning to live my life without him but I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever the loneliness of living without him overwhelmes me. I don’t want it to “not matter”. I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that we had. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it.

    As for grief, I find it comes in waves.

    I found this writing that explains it well.
    In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

    Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 16th, 2016 at 9:18 AM

    Hi Shirley,
    I had a very similar incident happen to me with a person who was supposedly a “best friend”. It was only about 7 weeks after my Mark passed away. I couldn’t help it, I am slightly better now, I don’t cry all the time wherever I go, but at that point I just cried everywhere. So, we were somewhere and I started crying, her response ” you are not the only person that ever lost someone”, people won’t want to be with you if you continue to talk about it and cry”. Needless to say that person is now completely out of my life. It was not even two months. It is sometimes unimaginable what people say. It doesn’t leave you, it is so, so difficult. I like what you posted, and hopefully she thinks twice before asking you if you are better now ? Really, better ? My life has been completely shattered my entire security and comfort and LIFE is gone – no, I am really not better, but thanks so much for asking !

    Reply

  • Rich S

    March 16th, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    Shirley/Jackie:
    I had to respond.
    I had a friend of mine that I knew since 6th grade tell me days after Janet’s passing “well now you can start living it up” I asked what do mean by that? His reply was I can go on vacations buy a new car, basically do what ever I want. I’m not rich and I’m not poor but he thought both Janet and I were denying ourselves certain luxuries that we could afford and felt Janet was “holding me back. So I should fly to the Islands and buy a Lexus to win his approval? As I said before we lived our lives at our pace with absolutely no regrets. I wonder if he can say the same thing about himself?
    Unfortunately, there isn’t a shortage of stupid people in the world and we run into them everyday, don’t allow it to upset you.

    Reply

  • Francisca

    March 16th, 2016 at 8:02 PM

    Hi lovely loved kind people, thank you for keeping sharing the stories. It’s funny how similar situations that we are going through. What supposedly friends said to me, questions they asked me. Those remarks like every one of you mentioned, I have been asked and questioned. How are you feeling now? Better? Reshift the way you’re thinking, it will help you to move on, go travel so you can clear your mind, give me update how are you doing/what have you been doing … they make me feel it’s wrong the way I feel now, they make me feel whatever I do is not good enough.
    I have to hold myself not to scream at them or be rude in answering them. My cousin said don’t take it personally … I hold on as much as I could not to get angry at her because I respected her so much

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 18th, 2016 at 11:54 AM

    hi people. this is a helpful place. just wish the newest posts were on top.
    i have grief mixed with panic and terror and feel i cannot manage without my husband. it has been 21 weeks and 3 days. does any one else feel this way?
    all our suffering is so similar. i feel like i can’t manage…..show of hands. you too, what to do? thanks and be well….. all i want is my husband back…it’s going on 5 months and i am going on crazy as well as bereaved. nothing helps. clues? thanks.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 18th, 2016 at 1:47 PM

    Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for your comment. We are very sorry to hear of your recent loss. We encourage you to reach out. The support of a therapist or counselor can often be of great help when coping with grief.

    You can locate a practitioner in your area by entering your ZIP code here:

    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best in this difficult time.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Rich

    March 18th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    Rebecca:
    I lost my wife on 2/2/16 after a short 43 day battle with PC.
    I thought I was the only person going through this. Unfortunately I am just one of many. I was able to get some very helpful information and support from these boards. For me I need to keep busy, my wife gave me a list of requests she wanted me to complete. I am working on that. I find that prayer thanking God for providing such a great wife helps me cope. I have never taken prescription medication in my life but did get one for Lorazepam which helps keep my anxiety level in check. I don’t take it everyday but only when I feel a need. we had no children but I do have a number of very supportive friends, (Five called me today) which really helps.
    Friday night, Janet would be watching Blue Bloods on TV, it doesn’t make sense why she is gone and it never will. But she would have wanted me to continue on just as I’m sure your husband wants you to do.

    Reply

  • Shirley

    March 18th, 2016 at 4:40 PM

    Hi Rebecca its the price we pay for love-the denial,the anger,the panic,the fear,the feeling of being totally lost and no idea what to do or who to turn to make it better-I’m being honest with you now there is no-one who will make this better or to go away we have to face the truth its up to me,you and everyone who’s lost their love,soul mate,best friend their everything to try and belive what happened changed our lives forever and every day we now exist and breath we must accept and walk beside grief and only think of our loved one being right here with us always and no-one can take that away-yes I am so lonely and miss my hubby so much the pain so unbearable at times I don’t want to go on any more- this is because I love him today as much as when we first met and everything we wanted from life we would do together and this is how I try and get through each day now by beliving Ieu(my hubby) is here walking beside me guiding me through bad and better days and sharing the times I spend with my daughters and their family-we talk openly about how we feel,the way we miss him and what would he be saying or doing to help us and we still get angry because he isn’t here-I never swore but I have and I have talked to other widows who say the same thing-its a language we learn and is allowed its a way of trying to say how we feel-the worst!!!!!
    I still get panic attacks mostly at night,alone frightened and scared -I’m still here in the morning-life goes on!!
    We do find out quickly who our true friends are-the ones who really care and yes they have helped me but no-one will ever understand our pain,our struggle each day to try and cope with this new foreign land were in-the way I try and describe it to someone who has no idea is to just imagine taking a polar bear from the North Pole and placing him in the middle of a desert alone!!
    I was saddened today by a woman who knocked at my door a few months after I lost my hubby-she had lost her husband a few years before and wanted us to become friends,she called at my house often,phone long chats, we had many a day out,we shared our grief,she even made a promise she wanted us to stay friends forever- whatever our futures had in store for us-it helped sharing my raw grief with someone who knew what I was going through-but a few months back she changed-she didn’t come round as often,she didn’t phone-I just found out she has a new man in her life and now spends every spare moment with him-I hope she’s happy and I have accepted she’s moved on but what hurt and saddened me is she knows better than anyone this hell of a journey I’m going through – maybe one day she will realize she could have a man in her life as well as keep her friend!! Out of the blue today she sent me a text message saying she had found someone and wanted to spend all her time with him and maybe one day I would do the same then would understand and our friendship to be continued……I have not replied I just realized she dosen’t know me at all-she hadn’t listened to anything I’d said or she’d know there was only one man for me Ieu -I love Ieu now and will forever -all I can say is I will have moved on a lesson learnt be carefull I was vunerable and I belived but looking back now was I who bought the takeaways,was I who paid for the meals out,was I who lent her money which she still owes etc.Yes then lost alone and vunerable and naive and did belive when kindness knocked at my door-all we really had in common was we both had lost our husbands-every widow out there please be carefull-as we don’t have’ our knight in shiny armour’ to guide and protect us anymore from whoever that might be who comes along…..

    Reply

  • Janice

    March 18th, 2016 at 7:21 PM

    Thank you for your kind responses. My husband, who died of sudden cardiac arrest, even with a defibrillator inside of him, went into ventricular fibrillation. He had congestive heart failure for the past eight years and actually survived a heart attack twenty years ago while traveling (complete blockage of right coronary artery). We were always hopeful and optimistic that the next day would be better and he took very good care of himself. When he died in the hotel the morning after hospital discharge, it was agonizing. I have been plagued with guilt because at 4:30 a.m., I didn’t move fast enough, don’t know how long he had been unconscious, didn’t do compressions because he had had surgery and after the paramedics arrived I actually went into the bathroom to get dressed, losing some minutes when I could have been by his side! It was an automatic response but so stupid of me–because since July of 2015, he had gone into cardiac arrest five times and always spontaneously recovered–either at home or in the hospital — was flown twice by helicopter to the nearest heart hospital and went taken twice by ambulance. Needless to say, we were given four extra months, because the first time it happened, I was certain he had died at home (it was 3:30 a.m.) I got dressed thinking he’d be taken immediately to the ER, which was just across the street. When I came out of the bathroom, he was clearly in agony, but was suddenly conscious again and managed to hug me and hold my hand very tightly. He wasn’t speaking (also wearing a CPAP mask) and I told him, “It’s going to be okay–they’re taking care of you–and I LOVE YOU!” He then had a seizure and died seconds later. So, five months later–I get out of bed, make coffee, try to find one or two tasks to complete but still feel utterely shattered and devastated. I still cry every day and while I have visited our children and other family members, I feel like my life is over. He was my life, my heart, and my purpose for being–we were partners for 48 years and I feel as if half of my soul is missing. NO ONE KNOWS what this feels like until they’ve been there. My heart aches for the look I saw on his face–he was as surprised as I was and not prepared to die. My heart aches for my children who lost their father and for our three small grandchildren whom he got to hold and love for four short years. While my own pain is unbearable, I ache for him having to die and to not be here–with his huge hugs, bigger than life personality and compassion–I do count the blessings–but am overwhelmed with HOW THIS FEELS! My friends are now at the tip toeing around stage–wondering when I’ll be me again, but right now, There will never be joy in my life again–not ever–not without him…

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 18th, 2016 at 8:20 PM

    Dear Janice, My husband was given 3 -12 months to live when he was diagnosed. The doctors, all of them said he would not live out the year. He died 24 days later, five of which he was mostly unconscious. He accepted it better than I did and I was convinced (and so was he) that he would at least have 3 months. We spoke ‘logically’ about what was I to do after he was gone and looking back I feel so stupid to think I could do it. Sure I cried and he held me but the night he went to bed and hospice came to take care of him around the clock, I never imagined it would be the last time we were going to have a conversation. I don’t know what I was thinking, this is nothing like I imagined. It’s going to be 9 months since he passed and every day gets harder for me. Half of me died, the joy, the dreams, the unbelievable love we shared, all gone. I watched him languishing for 5 days and never left his side. No one truly understands this pain until they go through it. I don’t think I will ever be me again because it was because of him that I was at my best. The me in the pictures with him, the joy in every picture is gone. I miss him every minute and in everything I force myself to do.

    Reply

  • jackie

    March 19th, 2016 at 9:02 AM

    Hi Janice,
    My husband died instantly as well of cardiac arrest. We were married for 33 years. He had bypass surgery 16 years ago and had a few heart attacks and a mini stroke 4 years ago. We lived for the moment really, he did everything right, was in a cardiac program, swam, did Tai Chi. It is so horrible to have someone you love, die right in front of you. I also have such guilt, we were both sick the week before and attributed his not feeling well to the fact we were both sick. The night before he was restless and I asked if he wanted to go to the hospital and he said no. I should of insisted. It is just a terrible, horrible experience and I share what you are living with. It will be 7 months for me tomorrow. I also have no joy, I still work but truly do not know what to do with myself. I don’t want another life, I want my life back, the way it was before. Let’s hope for some better days to come, they would want that for us, I am sure they would. Lets try to have some joy in our hearts today – just for a little while.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 19th, 2016 at 10:20 PM

    Vivian these sentences of yours: “I don’t think I will ever be me again because it was because of him that I was at my best. The me in the pictures with him, the joy in every picture is gone. I miss him every minute and in everything I force myself to do.”—they speak to me so.Heart with you. tomorrow is 5 months without my beloved steve. we are all lost……..but we help one another… this site is good but we are a ship of mourners sailing in the dark with no answers but an occasional wave of i’m here too and you be well…..so sad. no answers. but…we share the search for how to survive and maybe we can be of help to one another that way. best to you and me and everyone else on here…it’s so hard now..winter into spring…flowers emerging ( in the north) and people getting happy but i am still in the cold and the dark you know? and we trudge on. knowing we suffer with others……..best to all

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 19th, 2016 at 10:27 PM

    oh jackie your sentence is me too: “I also have no joy, I still work but truly do not know what to do with myself. I don’t want another life, I want my life back, the way it was before”

    exactly. and so we suffer together….yes…..and that gives a drop of comfort. but we want our lives back we want our loves back….we wish we could have what we want and the impossibility of it is so absurd…..all be well as can be. i am doing ” weep and sleep” today….we need to collapse some of the time don’t we? thanks all…. remember to rest. and hydrate….

    Reply

  • jackie

    March 20th, 2016 at 1:22 PM

    Hi Rebecca, you are right , we suffer together at least we realize what each other are experiencing so we know we aren’t crazy and that we are not alone with this. People that haven’t experienced loosing a spouse don’t understand. They think you must just pick yourself up and move on. It isn’t like that our life was what it was because we were so entwined with our spouses. Without that, it is like a blank space. They defined who we were and now what, it doesn’t feel like I am good enough just as a single person, I feel so weak and unattached to anyone. It is awful, I like weep and sleep ! I find however that I can’t even seem to take a nap during the day, because the comfort of having Mark isn’t there when I wake up and I remember he is gone all over again. We do need to collapse some of the time – you are so right about that. Weekends are the worst.

    Reply

  • Francisca

    March 20th, 2016 at 9:45 PM

    Hi Jackie, what you described is what’s going on with me too. I kind fall asleep around 2-3 am then waking up around 8ish. Dazed and confused. I do what I have to do but to be honest is because I feel so bad to others. I feel they are expecting more than the way it is now, I have to work hard to give what they expected because other wise they have no clue what to do. Smile and laugh that you see is just.
    I don’t function just being me because we always operate as one. The unity of us is one.
    I feel so hurt when his brother rushing with the inheritance process. He talked so lightly bout his passing. I can’t even use the word D! I get it that life keeps going and moving along but I told at the memorial service that my life is suspended now after he left me. Jackie, my worst day is the day he passed and weekends … yup
    hugs to you all

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    March 20th, 2016 at 9:57 PM

    thank you all for sharing. we aren’t crazy but we kind of are…this grief is a kind of madness. and now spring comes. the flowers make me sad. you too? oh i want to show steve the blooms but …..5 months gone. we weep together. i feel him weeping with me. and you all too. thank you all. and yes…it seems to be getting worse….and yes…weekends are harder than weekdays….and i do wish there were a religion or belief system in which it would be ok to be out of this misery and in the grave beside him….not right away but i cannot imagine going on and on and on like this. i do not feel alive..i am we not me. and half of me is dead. you feel that too, don’t you, many of you? they say grief is the price of love. my husband’s death was such a shock. healthy and 67. he died with grace: asleep beside me. all fine if it were maybe 20 years later? i am working my way through the bureaucracy of death the world gives us. all the social security and retirement business. and it makes me so sad…i want him to recover from the heart attack and retire and we will have golden years together. now i will pick some things up around here and make a sleepy tea and put myself into a trance of denial and go back 5 months and change the story. he will get to the hospital and survive…this is craziness and someone told me today we are not the authors of our lives. so hard to take. the love of my life is gone. i do not want to be alone and i do not want to remarry. i am in love with a man in a grave…you know. you know. thank you all for your support in shared stories. we suffer….but how could any one prepare us for this? teach it in home ec or what? oh my. and …i’m a jew and we have an important holiday coming up. passover without my soul mate? how? and our anniversary? how how how can he be gone? 5 months ago i actually said, when i rolled over in bed, “you’re not dead are you?you can’t be dead” and i feel i have made little progress. he can’t be dead. but he is. so i weep…….

    thanks again writers and site organizers. all be as well as you can. which might be not very……..

    Reply

  • jackie

    March 21st, 2016 at 11:42 AM

    Hi Rebecca,
    I sometimes replay the story in my head of what happened and he survives, I actually rewrite the story and we go home and figure out what happened and we are thankful. Then unfortunately that is not the truth, it does give me a few moments of comfort. It is so difficult, you are right, we are still we not I and I am not sure if I can or ever will be just an “I” and that seems like such a sad and lonely way to leave. I am 55 but can’t imagine living exactly as I am now for the next 30 years, how do people do that. Rebecca I went through an anniversary and my birthday and it wasn’t as bad as I had pictured. It took me 6 months to get my life insurance and other papers together because I couldn’t look at the necessary paperwork. We have something else in common as I will also be celebrating my first Passover without my Mark. Just thinking about seeing all the food that he loved, and the entire 8 days of it is so heartbreaking. I am going to the family member who we had always gone, we alternated years, I don’t want to go, but they won’t let me stay home. I really don’t want to go this year. I just want the days to pass and not acknowledge them at all.

    Reply

  • Janice

    March 22nd, 2016 at 7:09 PM

    Dear Rebecca, I think we were briefly FB friends (I live in Vermillion) but I deleted a whole bunch of people who didn’t actually know me–I apologize, but this is a better forum for sharing our pain and sorrow. Your last post here was exactly how I feel and after five months I am actually feeling worse–the anguish is never ending–I am a ghost of who I once was and like you, I am still in disbelief that my husband is dead–and died within seconds of me telling him I loved him. I cry every day–waves of tears– for him–the pain he endured, the months of fading health, the tests and probes and prods–but mostly, for the look of surprise when he knew he was dying. He had never lost hope and faith in his medical team, yet something went very wrong that morning and I feel partially to blame with my slowness. I have also never lived alone and the silence is oppressive…but we are not alone when there are others out here in cyber space who care and are going through the same thing. Sending you peace and love, Rebecca!

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    March 22nd, 2016 at 11:07 PM

    janice did beth connect us? you can re connect with me if you want. i took a couple days off fb. and suffered ” alone”. be in touch. i am out of hope for peace and love, but thanks. best to others on here as well…and to you

    Reply

  • Janice

    March 23rd, 2016 at 8:45 AM

    Rebecca–the love is always there, whether you feel it or not right now–peace, not so much, I guess. Yes, Beth connected us–and we certainly do share a painful bond. The stories on this site from Carolyn, Vivian, Jackie, you–to name a few, make me realize how connected we all are. Nothing will return us to the people we were before. Nothing. Not ever.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 23rd, 2016 at 1:40 PM

    Hi everyone,
    Well I just came back from a grief support group that I was really looking forward to. Unfortunately I didn’t feel like I connected very well with most of the group, although I guess that could change with time. We all shared loosing our spouse, but I don’t know it just didn’t feel right to me somehow, this group. I found the one on one counseling better or easier. Anyway I don’t want to discourage anyone from trying this, as anyone else gone to a group vs. individual counseling?

    Reply

  • Janice

    March 24th, 2016 at 2:03 PM

    Dear Jackie and all–after getting the taxes done yesterday (another “first”)–I have had a hopeless and dismal day–did not get dressed, went back to bed, cried, got up and have no desire to do anything that in the past was enjoyable–have lost all concentration, can’t stay focused and have no motivation. The grieving group is good for me while I’m there, Jackie, but its effects disappear as soon as I’m home. Maybe tomorrow will be better…

    Reply

  • Shirley

    March 24th, 2016 at 4:24 PM

    Hi yes I went to a grief support group-because of variation of grief it became very intense especially listening to a mother having lost her teenage daughter to suicide and way it happened -I sat there thinking what was I doing there I felt worse as now I not only felt heartbroken for myself but for the others as well was just too much to bear hence I could not and did not return.
    I do meet up with a grief counsellor she lost her husband just like me to a massive heart attack-one minute there talking to him the next he was gone-she understands the shock and my journey through grief and I thank God I have her support she knows as she has been there herself -she has helped me immensly and just knowing she’s there and she made it gives me hope!!We will learn to walk beside grief hand in hand with the one we love now and always!!
    We all need someone to care, listen and share our grief hence why we are here for each other-share our life stories and just to know we are not alone tonight…..I miss him sooòooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much- Shirley ♡XX

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 25th, 2016 at 6:52 AM

    Thank you Shirley and Janice, you are right Janice, it helps while you are there but you feel the same after you leave and go home. I know what you are saying Shirley, I miss my husband so much too. Sometimes I am out and I see a man that has similarities to my husband and I think, oh, Mark is here. I feel like I am going crazy. Since it has now been 7 months, people assume you must be better, they have moved on in there minds so they think you must be fine too. Nothing could be absolutely farther from the truth of the feelings. It is worse now. I hope everyone copes with Easter Weekend the best they can and enjoys the holiday for both of you.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    March 25th, 2016 at 4:02 PM

    Hi-how can I go on in this life without him-every waking moment,everything I do,everywhere I go I am reminded of our life together-Shirl & Ieu we were one-how can I? Please can anyone tell me how to survive this darkness of pain,sadness,loneliness and scary feeling everytime I return to our home the realisation hits as soon as I open the door no welcome,no familiar smells,no kiss,no cuddle,no cuppa waiting,no nothing how long can I carry on-deep down I know no-one can as we are all looking for one thing -our old life be returned the only life we know……… I cannot beleive I won’t see or hear him again………sometimes I try and watch a video of him with the grandkids and try and go back to the moment pretend but who am I fooling the tears just flow freely,I gasp for air the sick feeling in my stomach returns and I shout out-why Ieu…why me…..why…………..why………..why not………why all of you…….why………how can I go on …………………….you don’t cook any more no joy he loved his food what’s the point for one…………fed up of snacks……………yes I go have meals at my daughters etc………..but when your alone you just don’t bother……………..I still buy food he liked just incase………..how mad is that.I still have his mobile no on my phone just incase how mad is that……………I still have his slippers same place and his coat same peg-that’s not mad just a graet comfort to me yet again just incase………yes there is a madness in grief I know I’m living it!!!!!
    I listen to our songs over and over become a ritual there are certain things I do at certain times maybe its having some sort of normality amongst my madness-I don’t care I talk out loud to him as I try and get through the day communicate the only way I can-I hope he hears me though I woul not like him seeing me his girl so sad but I cannot help it my heart broke when he left me I cannot hide the tears,the way I feel as he knows me better than anyone we shared our love,our life,our everything except this grief I’m doing this alone without him and I don’t know how……………..I feel for you all- this is not what we signed up for when we fell in love but the price were paying right now because we did………..we do have each other here on this forum and it helps to get through one day at a time……….-Shirley xx

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 25th, 2016 at 4:17 PM

    Dear Shirley,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your loss and the pain you are experiencing. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but please know you can use our website to locate a therapist or counselor in your area. Many counselors are specially trained to help people work through and process feelings of grief, and speaking to someone can often be helpful after the loss of a loved one.

    To locate a list of counselors in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    There are also links to search by speciality or by country on this page. If you reside outside the United States you can complete a search here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/international-search.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    March 26th, 2016 at 6:04 AM

    “Tonight we turn the clock forward-I wish I could turn back the clock ……………………………………..”

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 26th, 2016 at 10:29 AM

    HI Shirley,
    I understand exactly what you are saying, everywhere I go, everywhere I drive, my house everything – I think about how sad I am, how lonely I am . People are telling me isn’t it nice to have those memories – no it isn’t nice, it isn’t happy memories, it is just a stabbing pain seeing all that was and now isn’t any longer. Our favourite places , our routines, it didn’t have to be anything exciting, just our things that we did. I miss my life so much. I do think that we have to somehow push through it to get to the other side, where it is not so dark, not so sad. It must be possible to do this somehow, people have had to do this all time , 50% of us have to survive this and somehow we must survive. They would be weeping for us knowing we are so sad, we need to keep pushing ahead, even though I am crying as I write this.

    Reply

  • Jill

    March 26th, 2016 at 12:55 PM

    I lost my husband, Claud, my beloved, the love of my life, three months ago, on December 23rd. We had been married for 35 years, and together for 39. I am 58. He was very ill for the last few years of his life, and I was totally focused on caring for him. I knew I was going to lose him, but when it happened I was not prepared at all. At first I couldn’t even cry. For the first couple of months I think I was just sort of numb. Because I have a dog and two cats I always had to get up and care for them. I am trying to do all the stuff you are “supposed” to do. I spend time with friends ( and I know I’m blessed to have them), I see a grief counsellor, I go to church, I do volunteer work, but it all just seems pointless and without him I feel a complete waste of space. I just want to be with him again. Our first date was on Easter, 39 years ago tomorrow. Now I am going to be alone. I can’t stop crying. I know I am not alone in this. I know other people have it far worse. But, please, somebody write to me, let me know it does get better, that the world isn’t as dark and hopeless as it feels right now. If I can help anyone out there, I really want to.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 26th, 2016 at 2:57 PM

    Dear Shirley O,
    So would I…

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 26th, 2016 at 2:59 PM

    It’s going to be 9 months in 2 days. I miss him more every day, I need him more every day. He was my love, my life. I need him just to breathe. I need to talk to him. I need him so much I can’t even put it in words.

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    March 26th, 2016 at 4:17 PM

    Hi Jackie do you feel like I do at times maybe you should move house because now we expect our loved one to walk through the door or be there when we return them maybe would be best start anew there would be no expectations yet I am so scared and afraid in case its wrong decision – you cannot go back????? So much advice given – “You should move a new beginning!” – “You shouldn’t move all your memories are there!” – You should move you hubby died there” – “You cannot leave him behind” – “You need to get as far away as possible”, don’t they think before they speak its agonizing enough not knowing what to do – I am lost, I don’t know what I want-do you Jackie feel like this?

    Jill its early days for you and I feel for you knowing why you are going through and the journey you are on-somehow you manage to get through one day at a time and its hardest when you are alone and the silence is deafening-I kept a journal and it helped me also gives you something to look back when you don’t think you are making any progress through grief but may be only little steps but we learn to walk with grief I won’t lie there are very dark stormy days somehow you emerge, breath again until the next storm its hits unexpected and throws you off balance go with it don’t fight it, we’re all here helping each other and to share our pain and hopefully a day will come when we can share our happy memories also but for now were in this storm together.

    My confidence hit rock bottom first few months I was so scared to drive without my hubby by my side, I’d get in the car and I’d have a panic attack never had them before and I didn’t care if I’d die anything to get out of this hell I was in – I was scared and wanted him back my whole body ached I’d scream how could he have left me-I was not capable of living without him by my side I never had to until now… but slowly I didn’t notice my family and friends did I began to take a few more steps forward instead of backwards… maybe I should be gentler with myself go forward at my own pace not listen to others eager for you to join activities, socialize craft sessions etc. – its so exhausting mentally and physically grieving the loss of my soul mate and no knitting pattern or run a race will make it better or go away right now – just give me time please let me get to know this person I’ve become – let me grieve at my own pace because right now I still cannot accept I will not see or hear his voice again – right now I’m still grieving as if it only happened yesterday… who knows what tomorrow brings – I don’t care – its hard enough just getting through today…

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 26th, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    hi everybody
    we have such similar suffering…
    this week i had to deal with social security & retirement… the endless business of death…and i went to a monument company and started planning that….and i went to the supermarket and bought matzoh and started to cry… passover without steve? …so last night i allowed myself to go back to the earlier stages of denial. i held a cat and re wrote the story. i saved steve by dialing 911… we got to the hospital… he got medicine and stents… i felt so happy in my insane not reality… then i could not sleep at all… i allowed myself to be in bed all day napping on and off and really really really thinking how much i love my husband and if his life was cut short… well i love the cats and i have things to do but he is my everything and i do not like it on the planet without him. you know? i did so much “biz” this week… i am glad i gave me to day to wallow in the sadness and the love and the wishes for more… i really do not know how i long i can go on but i am thinking it has been 5 months i will go another 5 months… i wish i could just will myself to die of grief right here in bed where he died. i want to die naturally of a broken heart, if he can’t come back, and i know he can’t. i am feeling like a crazy person from the sadness which is in such sharp contrast to the love and joy we shared… all i want is the past… i do not think there is a future for me because i hold tight to my love for my husband and do not want to “move on”… you know? i do not know how anyone can do this with grace, though i know some do. all be well… and remember to re-hydrate after crying… i kind of feel sick and dehydrated now… so many of you speak my language… we are all lucky to have had the love but the loss, the grief, is so painful… i do not want to be in the world without him for more than a little.while… i do not want to be spreading doom and gloom..and hate that i do… o world what is there for us?

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 26th, 2016 at 8:36 PM

    Dear Shirley O,
    I too get so tired of all the “advice”. But the best advice I was given was “do what YOU feel like doing”. Every relationship is different and we all mourn in our own way. I find that when I start listening to people, I get very tense, feel guilty about doing or not doing. So, for me, I have stopped caring what people think. Personally, I want to stay in our home. Raul died here but it is what he wanted. After the memorial, people kept asking what I was going to do with the ashes. I have them. It’s not for everyone but we decided to keep him with me until I am gone and then, we can both be together. I live in a small townhouse and the large picture I used in the memorial is hanging in the entrance. Believe me, so many people are constantly telling me, go on a trip, do what you always wanted to do and they don’t understand that what I always wanted to do was be with him. We loved the same things, had the same dreams, hopes, and plans, so all that is gone. I get through some days better than others but I’m trying to guide my actions by what I want. If I want to eat, I do, if I feel like crying (which is often) I just cry and if people stare I don’t care anymore.
    However, after 9 months, people don’t say it but I get the sense that they think it’s time I should be better. For a lot of those people I say ‘yes, I’m better’ but they have no idea that I will never be the same. My joy is gone.
    I stay home a lot because I don’t like being around people much anymore. I watch a lot of reruns on TV. The noise helps somewhat. I write to him in a journal every day. I take a yoga class now and even though I have to will myself to go, I do.
    I don’t know if all this helps but remember, what works for some does not work for others. Don’t let anyone tell you how to mourn, just put one foot in front of the other. I do a lot of things mechanically to help me get through the day. I shower, make my bed, etc. There are a lot of other things I could be doing but I just don’t feel like it. I sew and can’t seem to get into it, I have a project to put all our pictures into photo books and I can only work on them for a little while and then… Just keep coming back. We are all here for you, as you all have been for me.

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    March 27th, 2016 at 5:17 AM

    Rebecca I feel for you and everyone else here-its unbearable at times-so damn hard to carry on-when I can’t-
    if one could die from a broken heart I would have-my whole body aches for him-my mind scrambled turned to madness-try and pretend he will be home soon though I know if he was able to return he would have to be with me but some days all I can do to survive the day !
    The word widow means alone-my hubby died of a massive heart attack known as the widow’s friend-I hate the word-I don’t recognize who I have become anymore since I became a Widow- I just want to be Ieu’s wife not till death us do part… the way we all are grieving is the price we have to pay now for the love we shared and now lost… I miss him so… much- but still I cry- where are you?…

    Reply

  • Jill

    March 27th, 2016 at 5:20 AM

    Shirley O, thank you for your caring words, and Rebecca, thank you for expressing what I am feeling so much better than I could. Your words made me sob and sob, but tears help, right? I don’t know. Shirley, I am going to have to sell my house because I have huge financial problems we never expected. My husband’s pension, which we counted on, is trying to find a loophole to avoid paying out. I have to get a lawyer and fight this case, but meanwhile I have no income but my disability and cannot even pay my basic expenses. We have lived in this house for 30 years and I feel Claud here with me everywhere. I don’t at all feel ready to move, and I’m terrified of making a bad decision about a new place. And even if I really downsize I am not sure I can afford to stay here where I have my friends and my memories. All this seems so hard when all I want to do is try to get through my grief (or get used to it) quietly in my own way. It’s like a lot of the time I can’t even feel my sorrow properly because I am so full of anxiety about money. Claud never imagined it would be like this. He thought he had provided for me, and he had no reason to think this catastrophe would come.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    March 27th, 2016 at 10:19 AM

    Hi Rebecca and Shirley, Jill and Vivian,
    Yes, I think all the time I should move, everything in my house is the same, I have barely moved anything of Mark’s. We had gone swimming the day before and I washed and folded the towels and they are sitting in the same place with our swimming things. His gym bag is still in the back seat of the car. I am truly stuck. I drive around and see every place we had ever been in the 33 years we were married. I do want to feel better, but I don’t seem to be getting to that point at all. The terrible part is that friends and family expect me to be better now, it has been 7 months. People think you just move on. I know all of you understand this completely, the person that would give you comfort, that you could be yourself with, is gone and there is no comfort, just this odd place in the world without them. I look at condo’s and houses – I imagine a life with my husband still here, like you said Shirley, that there was a different outcome. Truly like being dropped on another planet , that is how it feels without him. Driving alone, going places alone that may be the only thing I am sort of getting used to, I cry in the car often. You are not spreading gloom, we feel it and feel for you all of us are experiencing this. No one else understands. I wish everyone that is celebrating Easter today to be okay, to be who you are right now. Rebecca, I just looked at all the Passover ads for food, and I too think how can this day come without Mark. We just do the best we can with our broken hearts and take the very, very smallest of steps each day, what else can we do.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 27th, 2016 at 12:32 PM

    dear people we are all so similar.in some ways reading the posts is a comfort. sometimes it escalated my pain….as yours echoes it. today i wrote a poem. i will paste it here. i think it is a poem. i hope it comes out in poem format. i am totally stuck, paralyzed by this. have you been there? i took some small steps this week then collapsed. trying to bathe and dress and do paper sorting. extremely despondent. will send poem in separate post. no grief counsellor can help me all i want is steve and …thus there is no hope for me. you know what i mean. hang in. rehydrate after weeping. i have to do that, and have a hot bath… b well

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    March 27th, 2016 at 12:34 PM

    22 weeks, 5 days
    mind constantly haunted:
    could have saved him and
    here we’d be now continuing
    our happy life
    you please sort your own papers,
    love-
    love you but
    not sure what you want
    hold cats close
    imagine he is here and
    how recovered by now
    from the minor heart attack
    still i’d be
    watching over him
    like a mother bird:
    let me scoop the poop &
    take out the trash
    just come out of the ground,
    come home now
    & i will convert
    to that dominant religion
    celebrating their guy
    again today
    while i weep
    for you you you you perfect beloved……

    ~c.rsr aka the widow marsden
    grief is the price of love 3.37.2016

    Reply

  • Rich S.

    March 27th, 2016 at 12:54 PM

    During the 43 days Janet had from diagnosis to passing she spoke about my future without her.
    The one item she made very clear is “Do not sell our farm” She loved it, she passed here and her ashes will be spread here as well. Fortunately I have the finances to honor her request. The property has been in my family for over 60 years. Instead of going to the movies our dates involved clearing out the trees and planning our future here. We dreamed of what we would build, she even named the sheep, Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail 10 to 15 years before we got them. The floorplan of the house and how it would be decorated before a building permit was even obtained.
    We built the house and barn 16 years ago. We had plans for a large garden and a one room schoolhouse she wanted built. On 2/3/16 we ran out of time that seemed endless.
    I thought of selling the place since everywhere I looked I would see Janet’s smile, the flowers she planted in the fall starting to bloom, the antiques she collected, even the color of the walls she selected.
    As I sit here having Easter dinner by myself for the first time in 34 years I understand her decision not to sell was the correct one. Everywhere I look I see a celebration of her life, the joy and love she had. She is at peace and so am I.
    Please think long and hard before you make a move.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    March 28th, 2016 at 5:35 AM

    That was so beautiful Rich. Your tribute to your wife is an example of love forever in our hearts for our loved ones.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    March 28th, 2016 at 8:53 AM

    I wish I could have felt that way about our home. Now here is the reason we all are unique in our experiences. My beautiful home with 4 acres and an outbuilding garage (where my husband had a wood shop) was a dream home for us. However after he died I stayed in it for 2 years and it became so very painful to come home from work to the dark and empty home we once shared. He was not there and I felt very alone after 40 years with him daily. I really tried but I decided to sell and move closer to my daughter in an apartment. For now it works. I pray about it and when the Lord allows I will possibly buy a smaller house for myself. I pray for peace for you all.

  • Rich S.

    March 27th, 2016 at 1:42 PM

    Jill & others
    I wish everyday that my late wife Janet was experiencing what you and I am going through since I would be trading my place for her.
    Even facing a life of living purgatory there exists the slim possibility of hope for the living, something Janet no longer has. You are here to make a difference, at least give it a try.

    Rich

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  • Shirley O.

    March 27th, 2016 at 3:33 PM

    Hi Everyone and thank you for being here-
    “I was supposed to spend the rest
    of my life with you…
    And then I realized… you spent the
    rest of your life with me…
    I smile because I know you loved me
    till the day you went away…
    And will keep loving me-
    till the day we’re together again.”

    “It’s being WITHOUT HIM that I’ll NEVER get used to!!!!!”

    “I’m still not ready to accept that you are gone… I t’m trying hard but that day has not arrived yet… Maybe it never will.”

    “*With him went all of me-I look in the mirror I’ve become a stranger-who am I-I look down at my left hand -I see my wedding ring -just a symbol now of the life I lost… when you went away-with you went all of me…”

    We are all on this journey together,we all understand,we all have the same feelings-I feel your pain because I know- as you feel and know my pain-thank you for caring and sharing…

    Reply

  • Jill

    March 28th, 2016 at 5:38 AM

    Oh Rich,
    Do you think I WANT to sell our home of 30 years, where we had so much happiness, where I loved and cared for him to the very end? The reason I wrote about it is that it is breaking my heart. As I write this I can’t stop crying. But I can’t pay my bills, I can’t pay my taxes, I can only afford my prescription drugs if I don’t eat properly. I have lost 14lbs in the past three months (and I was only 135 before) because I can’t afford to eat properly. I don’t have a choice about my house, and I am in despair. I know we are fortunate to have life, and I am trying to make a difference. I volunteer at a nursing home, and I am trying to get back into my hospice work, but that is too painful right now. I am trying so hard. Yesterday I got myself up, went to church, skyped with my mom and dad, cleaned the house, took the dog to the park, etc etc. I felt like I had been positive and busy, but then all night I had nightmares about losing our home.

    Reply

  • Rich

    March 28th, 2016 at 9:04 AM

    Jill:
    I am very sorry if I didn’t correctly express myself.
    I know that many people are faced with financial hardships once a spouse passes. It is a terrible thing added on to what you already have to deal with. While I have the house covered I wake up every morning with tears in my eyes, loss of significant weight, taking Lorazepam in the afternoon to keep me from having a complete melt down. I spent my first Easter by myself and although I believe in God I question why he allows me to live in torment. I’m tearing up as I write this.
    Please accept my apology if it sounded like I was “preaching” I was just letting everyone know how I am handling a loss I will never recover from.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Jill

    March 28th, 2016 at 9:50 AM

    Rich,
    I am sorry if I was insensitive in my response to you. Too caught up in my own troubles, I suppose. Please know that I do understand (as well as anyone can) what you are feeling. It was heartbreaking for us both to be alone at Easter for the first time. And I am sobbing too. Your letter about the house you built together and your struggles and dreams was really beautiful and I am so grateful to God that you can keep those beautiful memories around you, even though I understand that it doesn’t make your heartbreak any less. Forgive me if I added in any way to your pain.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 28th, 2016 at 11:41 AM

    Dear Rich,
    In my case, my husband and I have lived in many homes throughout our lives. Raising 6 children and working 2 jobs while they were growing up, we longed for the time when we would be alone. We love our children but we were truly ‘in love’ for all the 34 years we were together. We bought a smaller townhome that we both fell in love with because we wanted to make memories in our ‘last’ home so whoever was left would not only be able to stay but have wonderful memories. Unfortunately, he was diagnosed 14 months after we moved and died 49 days after the first x-ray but 24 days after he was given 3-12 months. We also talked about the future but what were we thinking? It is nothing like you plan. We weren’t ready. As silly as it may sound, I wanted the 3 months. How could we have known that Tuesday night, that it would be our final conversation, he was in and out of consciousness for the next 5 days and passed away. Staying home has been good for me and I am glad we downsized because it allows me to stay home and be able to afford it. I plan to keep his ashes (I know it’s not for everyone) because it’s what we decided. When I am gone, then our kids can do what they will as long as we are together.
    It’s been 9 months today and I am no better today. I am in pain, I miss him more than ever and can’t really imagine years of this, so I live moment to moment. He was my life, my love and it is difficult to breathe without him.

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  • Shirley O

    March 28th, 2016 at 3:19 PM

    So much pain in everyone’s comment-I feel my pain every single second of the day-even in dreams I reach out and I still cannot as yet find a peace to exept my love has gone and start to remember the happy memories of our life together if only I could ………….
    I feel anxious all the time,afraid to make decisions,I suffer panic attacks my GP has offered medication but as yet I haven’t taken any as I am so not sure as I have read and have been told one should not maskthe feelings of grief with medication-have any of you taken medication-is so has it helped-I hope you don’t mind me asking I just don’t know what to do right now-all I know I could do with a little help!
    *We were thinking of downsizing weeks before he passed away-buy a smaller property,less work give us more time and money to do the things we’d planned was so exciting making plans- going to be our time……………………then everything changed……………………here I am alone and Iv’e got no plans………………………….

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  • Jill

    March 28th, 2016 at 3:30 PM

    I have my husband’s ashes, too, Vivian. When I die I want my ashes to be with his. I just wish I could be with him now: body and soul.

    Reply

  • Rich

    March 28th, 2016 at 4:07 PM

    Vivian:
    At 60 everyone I know is downsizing.
    I just spent the day framing out 2 upstairs bedrooms and bathrooms. We already had more house than we could use and initially over built the home with the anticipation of completing rooms once we searched every antique store within a 50 mile radius for the right piece of furniture or decorative piece. Janet liked to decorate and what made her happy made me happy. We both worked full time so once you get home and eat there were only a few hours available. Over a 2 year period we built a garden shed. I would hammer the nails while she held the wood. Over another 2 years we did the same with the sheep shed. I took 3 years to completed the walk out basement with an office for me and a craft room for her. Sure we could have hired someone but what’s the fun doing that?
    Now that I am no longer working the process should go quicker. I want to tie up some loose ends, like completing these projects. Some friends have offered to move in and keep me company, so I had to institute the 5 day friend and 2 day relative rule. Friends can’t stay more than 5 days a year, relatives 2 days.
    On another somewhat funny note I had a telemarketer call me today and ask for Janet. I told her Janet passed away 2 months ago. She said she was sorry but would it be OK if she called her back in 12 months.

    Rich

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  • Vivian

    March 28th, 2016 at 4:24 PM

    Jill, I agree with you. This is so hard. However, I am glad to have found this site. You all understand and so many people don’t.

    Reply

  • Rich

    March 28th, 2016 at 6:15 PM

    Shirley:
    Until February of this year I never took any prescription medication. Six days after Janet passed I was given Lorazepam. Though the dose is twice a day I normally take only one. There have been times that I have gone four days between doses. Hopefully I will be off it in a month but in the meantime it is literally a life saver. I can tell you if I didn’t take it I doubt if I would be responding to your post.
    Try a little and see if it helps but be careful since you don’t want it to become habit forming.

    Rich

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  • Vivian

    March 29th, 2016 at 9:53 AM

    Rich, I completely understand. My dad lost mom 5 years ago and he lives in this big house and refuses to leave. He will be turning 92. He is a very easy going person but has one rule. Leave the things and projects she left. He hates change. It was difficult to get him to get rid of the absurdly heavy tube tv so we could replace it with a flatscreen. His love is baseball and nothing should ever interfere. He has advised me that even though having my daughter and her family with me was good at the beginning, it is time for me to have the house to myself. I have learned one thing, we all mourn differently and things that comfort some may not be good for others. We have to make sure that we own our grief. I am in a lot of pain, but I need to grieve my own way. No one knew my husband as I did and I write to him in a journal every day. He asked me to make some photo books of all our memories. It was a hobby of mine and he thought it would be a legacy we could both leave.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    March 29th, 2016 at 2:52 PM

    Thank you Rich-I am going to give my medication a go but like you I am going to take just one a day for now and see how it goes-yes only for a while don’t want to depend on them- I appreciate your advice given.
    When I read the bit about you buiding the shed together sounded just like what we did-I would hold the wood while he hammered the nails,he would dig the holes and I would plant the trees,flowers,he would wash the outside of the car I would do the inside,we would decorate together,we did everything together hence why I cannot think of doing these things on my own-I will have to one day-I admire you being able to carry on your projects without her-maybe the medication takes the edge off your suffering giving you the strength to carry on and be positive-I hope it works for me as I need a little help and energy to be doing the things I feel I ought to-cut the grass,weed and keep the garden we created from scratch the way we loved it to be tidy and well used by the family especially the grandkids,we built the climbing frame,swing and cabin together,we painted the fences together-they need painting………..I look around our home is us-both of us-every room done together,the conservatory he loved and I haven’t used since but I must-one day soon I hope………
    We ran a business together-he was the business-hardly a day goes by someone will comment how they and whole town misses him-he was loved by all…………….the hundreds of people who called to see me and attended his funeral proved how loved he was and the messages and cards etc written from the heart and so many tales made me smile-yes they knew my hubby he had a cheeky sense of humour-well loved and respected by all………..they miss him………………
    My precious daughters miss their Dad so much-so painfull for me to see them hurting- he adored them and was their best friend always there for his girls………..the grankids each one so special just want their Taid(welsh for grandad)to come back home…….I bought and named a star after their Taid-now I tell them to look up and see their Taid looking down at them andhe will always there to watch over and listen to them wherever they are……..each one has a framed star in their room I can only hope it helps them-on a daily basis one of the grandkids sure to stop and remember something their memory of Taid -then talk freely about their Taid and what happened,laugh and then return to play-wish I was a child………….
    The physical and mental pain of grieving the loss of your loved one is so exhausting some days its hard to breath and I just got to try and take each second,each minute,each hour,each day at a time………its no wonderI have no energy left for anything else………………….

    Reply

  • Jill

    March 30th, 2016 at 5:24 AM

    I take Lorazepam at night to help me sleep. Without that I don’t think I would ever sleep. I was just lying awake remembering and crying. I had the dog and the cat on the bed with me, but the loneliness was just overwhelming and so frightening. I feel anxious about so many things I never used to, like driving to new places, meeting new people. I am a breast cancer survivor and yesterday I had my annual mammograms (everything was ok). Claud always used to tell me to call as soon as I got the results, and he would be so relieved and happy. Yesterday it seemed like nobody really cares any more, and what it matter if I did have cancer again anyway. But I know that isn’t really true.

    Reply

  • Rich S.

    March 30th, 2016 at 6:26 AM

    Premonitions
    First, let me tell you that if you were thinking of a number from 1 to 2, I could never guess it right.
    That said, my wife Janet died of pancreatic cancer on 2/03/2016. Starting around January of 2015 I started having a vision of her in our bed dying with me next to her and her sister in the adjacent family room. I can’t remember if it started as a dream but it quickly turned into a waking vision. Started with once a week and as the year progressed it became almost daily. Janet was a vegetarian, exercised daily looked like she was in her 30s when she was 55 and never was in the hospital. She had two wellness checkups per year. Once for the company insurance, one she did on her own.

    I didn’t tell Janet about it since I didn’t want to worry her. This very visual image became like a bad song that you can’t get out of your head. I couldn’t shake it. It was always the same, Janet on her side of the bed dying, me next to her and her sister visible through the bedroom door on the couch in the family room. On February 3rd of 2016 at 6:30am Janet took her last breath, with me at her side and her sister on the couch in the family room. The exact way I saw it all those times.

    I ask myself what was the point? Was it to prepare me or warn me? Janet had a certain intuitiveness and I could understand if she had a premonition, but me?

    Has anyone else experienced the same thing?
    Rich

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  • Rich S.

    March 30th, 2016 at 6:32 AM

    I should add that Janet was diagnosed on 12/21/2015 and did not have visible symptoms until a week prior.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    March 30th, 2016 at 9:40 AM

    Rich, It’s amazing that my story is similar, although I never had a premonition, I believe now that Raul might have. When we were told he only had 3 months to live, I fell apart but he was completely calm. He said he knew that’s how he would go. He made me promise that, since all the doctors agreed there was no hope and didn’t even suggest any treatment, there would be no more tests, no more MRIs (he hated them). We called hospice care as recommended and his pain was managed at home. I truly believed we had 3 months but at one point, he said, “baby I don’t think I have as long as we think”. His sister came to be with us in our guest room and he stayed home as he wanted. He also said he didn’t want to die in a hospital, so we even bought an adjustable bed to make him more comfortable. He was doing, I want to say as well as expected. He ate ok, showered and loved the fact that he was still able to do things. Looking back, I think he was was feeling worse than he admitted to me. We were treating his pain with morphine tablets but it was manageable I guess. What I didn’t expect was that the Tuesday night he said, I can’t seem to urinate (sorry to be graphic) would be the last time he was fully conscious. He went to bed at 7pm and by 9 he was not breathing right. I called hospice immediately and by the morning he had full 24 hour nurses. I think he only had a couple of moments of clarity but they were to say goodbye to our son and my dad. I never left his side. At one point, he tried to talk to me but he couldn’t speak. I wish we could have at least spoken till the end. I hated seeing him so out of it, but reducing his pain medication was not an option. He was in pain and I didn’t want him to suffer. He was in and out of consciousness for almost 5 days. His breathing was like a gurgle and I prayed that he didn’t ‘drown’. I was so conflicted to pray that God take him so he didn’t suffer, and to ask Him to leave him with me. This all so surreal to me. I never expected to live without him, at least not this soon.

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    April 1st, 2016 at 3:33 AM

    My soulmate……
    When were not together
    my soul feels hollow,
    My heart feels numb,
    my emotions become shallow.
    Like a rainbow without colours,
    like poetry without rhyme,
    being away from you
    are my life’s darkest times…..

    And no matter what anyone says
    about grief and about time healing
    all wounds,the truth is,there are
    certain sorrows that never fade away
    until the heart stops beating and the
    last breath taken…..

    I can no longer see you
    with my eyes
    Touch you with my hands
    But I feel you in my
    heart………
    I’m sitting here thinking,and I am
    overwhelmed with how much
    I love you…..
    I loved my hubby……now I know the meaning of love hurts………as everyone here ……….

    I miss my soulmate so………………………. much-it hurts………how do we survive this…………………….

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    April 1st, 2016 at 3:45 AM

    I am lost without Ieu- hurting so much- each day is such a struggle- I’m missing my best friend my everything because I love him so much……….he was my world…………how do we survive this…………………how are you all surviving this…..
    don’t know if I can go on without him………….Yes I must for my daughters and grandkids but how………..HOW!!!!!

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 1st, 2016 at 8:33 AM

    Hi Rich,
    I believe I had a premonition as well. Mark had a heart condition for many years, but for the past year I was picturing strange things. We were members of a club with a pool, and there was a woman’s and men’s entrance/exit where the changing rooms where. . We would go in to our respective sides and exit together out of a door, I kept picturing me exiting and waiting at the door for him to come out and he would not come out. I had thoughts like this often. I now worry did my thoughts cause this, I am going crazy with guilt and sadness. It is just awful being one of the two that is left. Life is so very empty and sad. I just kill time and wait for the hours to pass somehow. No happiness just functioning at this point and it has been 7 months.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 1st, 2016 at 1:45 PM

    Hi Rich,Vivan and Jill,I haven’t mentioned this to anyone and I havealso felt guity but I also had a premonition weeks before Ieu died-I used to be looking out of the window waiting for him to arrive home then I’d look towards the parking area where all his work vehichles were kept and this eerie feeling would come over me and instead I’d see the parking area empty except for a memorial bench with a plaque with his name on it and I’d see the same thing each time I’d look out this happened several times-now I know it must have been a premonition was a warning I should have acted on it made him have a check up with the G.P. he had only visited the G.P. a few times in the 40years we were married I should have insisted as he was much more tired than usual but he put it down to getting older-I feel so guilty………………if only,if only,if only……………………..now I’ll never know if I could have saved him if only he’d seen the G.P. sooner. …………I don’t look out of that window anymore………………..all I know is that the parking area is now empty……………………….

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 1st, 2016 at 1:51 PM

    Sorry Jackie was Hi to you I meant not Jill about my premonition comment above.

    Reply

  • Rich S

    April 1st, 2016 at 4:59 PM

    Jackie, Shirley:
    We should not be feeling guilt, as difficult as it is to understand II think we were being prepared by God and our spouses. I just don’t get the process but maybe that will be clearer to us in time, or maybe not.
    Like I said in my case Janet had PC, there was nothing that could be done even if we acted on my premonition. Still doesn’t change the way I feel. Just popped two Lorazepams and two Unisoms and downed it with some ice cream.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Shirley Owen

    April 2nd, 2016 at 2:53 PM

    Hi Rich and thanks seems you understand and yes the guilt comes over me but I know that if there was anything I could have done I would have -I would have done everything in my power if only………I just want him back……………………
    Sometimes I feel so angry because he left me but of course have realized now he never would have if it was down to him -we were his world-he was our world-his family meant everything to him its why we miss him and hurt so much-but he had always said he wanted to go first as he would not survive without me-I am glad he will never now have to and go through what I am going through- that’s how much I love him………………….but Ieu I don’t know how I’ve survived here without you….somehow I’m still here…………………..

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    April 2nd, 2016 at 3:46 PM

    Which pain is worse-
    The shock of what happened
    or the ache for what
    never will.
    Which pain is worse……..

    LOVE wasn’t finding someone
    you can live with,
    it was finding someone
    you can’t live WITHOUT.

    Now what am I suppose to do-what are we all here supposed to do-its why we are all suffering right now.
    How can I carry on living without my love-how can you………………………the price we pay for falling in love…………….
    Would I change anything NO-but I have no idea how to do this alone-we always did everything together………………..

    Reply

  • Rebecca R.

    April 2nd, 2016 at 8:00 PM

    hi people. i haven’t been on for a while. good to check in. you all are a great anti dote to the ppl who say move on move on well we can’t. a couple of ppl said lorazepam. not to do commercials but it helps me too. i live in a little house it is full full full. my calling is to honor my husband (who was an activist for peace) by getting his papers to archives. were he alive we would do it together now. my challenge is to get some work done without weeping. this is all choppy not well written.if i had a big house i ‘d rent a room or 2. some of you said you have big houses and financial probs. even if not a long term roomie…..some short term stays? if the house had room and the ppl would not be in my way. but now i am here in a little house. steve’s things all over. and mine! i want to get his archives in order then i want nature to take me…..i really do not want to be in this world without my love and beloved. it’s a horrible thing to say. i value life. but this constant sadness does not feel like living to me. i feel my face pulling down. my husband was my joy. we gave each other smiles. oh yes grief is the price of love.i am so haunted…i am sure sure sure if we had known the signs and dialed 911 my beloved husband steve would have lived through a minor heart attack. now i think i will be forever sad. it’s 23 weeks and 4 days and getting worse. i do not know how any widows manage. to those who do: i bow to you. all be well. thankfully now one of my sweet kitties came over. her paw is on my heart and she is purring. she is a help. but we want our steve home too and he is not coming home :.(……………….
    thank you all for being there. for being here. you help. though we all need so much more help…..or we will suffer for ever won’t we?we are doomed to perma sad since our loves are not coming home ;.(………
    but we try and manage for a while…i have no family…just steve and me and 4 kitties made family. i do not think i will live long. i think the stress or whatever will take me…i just need to get some things in order for my love…… b well if you can, or be as well as you can be, even if that is not very. and: spring hurts. the beauty i can’t share with him. we began in spring. i am glad i gave myself this day to collapse in bed after a night of waking every few hours feeling bad that i didn’t call 911….tough is not what we need to be. take care, tender hearts. take care…. thank you

    Reply

  • Rich S.

    April 3rd, 2016 at 12:53 PM

    Rebecca:
    You are so right. Two months after Janet passed and I’m eating Lorazepams like chicklets.
    Went to the Blue Army Shrine in Washington NJ where Janet use to light candles for others. I’m not Catholic but lit one to thank God for her and the other for my nephew. On the way back I called the home number since her voice comes on. Told her I can’t do this anymore, just take me. I hear her reminding me of the things she wanted me to do after she passed. I’m trying but the pain is too much.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 3rd, 2016 at 7:09 PM

    Hi Rich,

    We are so sorry to hear of your recent loss. If you would like o seek assistance from a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    April 3rd, 2016 at 2:17 PM

    The sun was shining today and I decided( though was such an effort)to go outside and sort a few potted shrubs that needed re-planting when some strangers happened to be passing by they stopped started chatting to me about how they loved coming to this area on holiday so quiet etc and remarked what a lovely place I had and then jokingly said you shouldbe getting your husband to move those heavy pots-I replied he would if he was home as they moved on……………..I went back into the house and broke down and cried Ieu you should be here with me,they were much older than us yet still together enjoying life,they pressumed you were here………………….why did this happen to us-why not them,why?Why?Why?-I use to love being outside when we did everything together-now here alone everything has become a chore…………….I don’t want to do this without you ………………….I cannot do this without you………..

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    April 3rd, 2016 at 2:56 PM

    I wanted to ask does anyone of you have this feeling with you all the time don’t know how to truly describe it like you looking around-over your shoulder know should be there, something missing , waiting to catch up with you,empty space you stand back and wait,scan around this lost feeling with me all of the time an awareness so familiar now an empty space but how-you been there next to me always so used to it why I keep looking and this feeling with me wherever I go-I cannot shake it off-not sure I want to-does anyone understand what I’m trying to say…………

    Reply

  • Sheena

    April 3rd, 2016 at 3:03 PM

    I totally understand what you are going through my friend and trust me it’s not very easy to overcome. I lost my husband of 7yrs about 3yrs ago, he left me with our Son who was 6yrs old then. I tried to be strong and move on as I needed to do this for the boy too. Got into a new relationship but looking back I wasn’t ready for it. As time past I realised that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere and all this time I kept crying and crying over my late husband because he knew me better which am not finding with my new relationship. The only problem is that am pregnant but not ready to settle with the new man as soon many things ain’t right. But the thing is, I keep crying over my late husband each time I feel very emotional. I remember the great times we had and how he treated me while I was pregnant, the love the care which is not there with this pregnancy. I think am depressed to be honest. But hanging in there for the unborn baby and my Son.
    I felt like I needed to let this out.
    Sheen.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 4th, 2016 at 2:17 PM

    Hi Rich,
    You were sounding a bit better in other postings. This is just a horrible place to be, I just seem to not be able to find comfort anywhere really, I guess my cat gives me some comfort, pets are good things, animals in general. Did any of you ever realize what a difficult time this would be ? We all have known people that have lost a spouse, I don’t know what I could possibly have been thinking before this, how do they seem to heal after some time, they must I am truly hoping. I feel like I am in a world of nothingness without my Mark in it. I just go around in circles, hoping to get through one day, I can’t do this “getting through one day” forever. Such a difficult thing, at least others in the same situation are there to listen.

    Reply

  • Angela

    July 23rd, 2016 at 4:53 PM

    I lost my husband five weeks ago. He had liver failure and then multiple organ failure. He spent 5 weeks in shock trauma icu on life support. I can remember the last evening he spent at home. He had been ill ,had liver damage but he was seeing a specialist and changing his diet and doing everything the doctors told him to do. That morning his feet were really swollen and the week before he had a hard time walking and that morning he had labored breathing. I told him he needed to go to the e.r. and get checked out. He was afraid to go and thought I was rushing him out of the house. I thought they would keep him at the most a few days , give him oxygen and then he would come home. He had ups and downs in the icu but he never came home. I watched him take his last breath . I am sad and angry , I miss him so much . I am not angry with him but I am disappointed that God did not spare his life. He tried to survive he fought 5 weeks and then he just slipped into a coma and his organs shut down. Now I 4 young children one of whom is a infant and 17 years of memories. If I didn’t have my children I would want to join him. Every day is just another day with out him. I pretend for my children to be ok because they need me to be. I feel like my friends wouldn’t understand and would see me as a downer. I just want him back.

    Reply

  • Rich S.

    April 5th, 2016 at 5:17 AM

    Jackie:
    Speaking about cats I just let Janet’s cat “Poodles” in. Janet said if something happened to her I would spoil the cat. She was right again.
    I was having a bad day when I left the post. I picked up an antique glass and oak cabinet at the auction for upstairs. When I brought it home we put it in the dining room temporarily. I could hear Janet saying the cabinet is staying right there. Janet collected old glassware, plates and the Polish plates that they sell on QVC. Well, I filled the cabinet with the excess pieces she had and it looks as though she did it. Must have been giving me direction.
    I will never get over Janet as you will never get over Mark. When someone says “one day at a time” I think they have to be kidding. There seems to be no escape from this living hell.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 5th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    Hi Rich,
    We will never forget them, I also think when someone says one day at a time, what are they talking about, I sort of live one hour at a time right now trying to get past that hour. I am happy you are spoiling your cat, Janet would have wanted that. Animals are wonderful and I am sure that Poodles misses Janet. I am happy you bought the cabinet and arranged everything, you are right I am thinking that Janet was silently telling you where to put things. It is a living hell, maybe we should try to find some humour in the living hell – I don’t know where but maybe somewhere. Thank you for listening. PS – I am spelling humour, the Canadian way, well because I am from Canada.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 5th, 2016 at 4:21 PM

    Hi Rich and Jackie and everyone else in this living hell were all in -yes some days its hard just ttake a breathe-one second at a time but what else can we do to survive this torture -do we want to survive?We are reminded from the moment we wake up what happened,what were missing and even in dreams cannot find peace or understand what’s happening to me-I’m so lost,I feel so empty afraid of this life-if you can call it that-this hell on earth without our loved ones how are we meant to survive–I don’t know anything else always together never apart till now…………….I have even thought about driving into the wall instead of going home to an empty house-I have had to take the medication my GP gave me- my body cannot take any more I need help to get through the day and night and as you said to me Rich to give them a try -now I have -have you or anyone else experienced panic attacks so scary when you’re all alone happens mostly at night exact same time my hubby passed away I re-live the moment in slow motion I try and piece together the moments before and after-why did I wake up at 5 he died few minutes later from a massive heart attack no warning nothing did I do enough waiting for help to arrive could I have done more I play this over and over in my mind Its a living torture……………I hope the medication kics in soon I’m mentally and physical exhausted I don’t feel like eating no appetite no nothing,have not had a good nigh’t sleep since,how could I…………….I hope medication works soon-I have had enough……………………………….everything I try to do seems pointless…………………I thought you could die from a broken heart………………………………………………….

    Several hours have passed must have fallen asleep maybe the medication starting to work – I was just thinking Jackie about what you said in your last post about finding some humour-but where can you in grief just dosen’t happen but maybe it does starting with what people have said to me so here goes-
    “Well life goes on”-Wow does it well big thanks for that did you think I was not aware that life was to continue in its natural form-thank you so much for pointing that out to me”.
    “”You lucky and should feel grateful for what you have”-What-its you who’s lucky and should be grateful right now that I’m not a violent person!.
    “It could be worse”-Could it? really?I don’t know about that.My husband is dead forever.I’m pretty sure that is the very definition of “worse” and what’s the point of saying that anyway?Is that supposed to make me feel better somehow?Because it f……g doesn’t at all!!
    “You are looking better-gad to see you’re better…….”I’m looking better-better than what and yes thankfully I am all better now I that I took my medication and I have rested up and wouldn’t you know the pain and hurt of grief just all went away,just like that it’s a miracle!!!Now please excuse me I need to go and take my ‘GRIEF BE GONE’ pills so I can remain all better from now on……………if only!!!!!
    “You are too young to be a widow”-You are so right,they must have made a mistake I will have to complain to the widow authorities-you wouldn’t have their tel no so I can sort it straight away now.
    “Youre still young maybe you’ll find someone else”-That is of course what’s on my mind and heart right now after my my husband’s death-how dare you all I want is for him to come back I don’t want anyone else ever-its no wonder we learn a new language in grief called swearing!!!!!
    “Time has passed now you need to get over this”-Get over what?LOVE?.Get over the person that I vowed to love forever and spend the rest of my life with?Get over this-that’s not possible. I don’t think you have ever been in love before if you can say this to me-this wasn’t a divorce.He DIED .I will always ,always love him-until the day I stop breathing and beyond.Get over this isn’t an option…………
    “You need to move and maybe move house”-Move on from where and where should I move to or does that mean you want me to stop talking about him -that’s never going to happen-we keep the people we love alive by carrying them with us and telling their story seems you don’t understand that so maybe yes I need to move on away from you-I feel him close here,here is us,I know no other life and I am staying put…..
    Yes Jackie maybe there can be humour way people offer their so called helpfull advice at our time in need.
    Can you,Rich or anyone else maybe add your experiences of things people have said to you and the way you would have liked to answer them differently if only………………….

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 5th, 2016 at 4:50 PM

    Dear Shirley,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. Grief can be a very difficult emotion to cope with. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not a substitute for professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. Speaking to a therapist or counselor, if you are not already doing so, may help you address and manage these painful feelings.

    You can locate a therapist or counselor in your area here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/international-search.html

    We would also like to provide you with some crisis information. If you experience thoughts of suicide, feel overwhelmed, or feel in any other way that you are in crisis, please contact local law enforcement or visit your nearest emergency room.

    Samaritans, a UK-based organization, also offers crisis support. You can talk to someone simply if there is something troubling you. More information is available here:
    http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Rich

    April 5th, 2016 at 5:15 PM

    Shirley:
    Ditto, Ditto, Ditto
    My friends call and try to reason with me from their point of view. No fault of theirs, they are just trying to help and can’t comprehend what this hell is really like.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Vivian

    April 5th, 2016 at 7:27 PM

    Dear Shirley,
    You are saying what I am feeling. If you could die of a broken heart, I would not be here. I know that I will go on but my life will never be the same. It’s like someone broke me in two. My dreams, my hopes, my true joy is gone. Nothing tastes the same, feels the same, sounds the same. I am truly making an effort to function. I am going to a yoga class twice a week. It is a big effort for me not to cancel just before class, but I go, mostly because I need to stay healthy so I can be independent. I don’t want to live with anyone. My daughter has been living here for the past 6 months with her husband and daughter and I am ready for them to move. (so are they by the way). I need my space, my alone time to cry when I want to, yell, get angry and simply not have to put on a face. She is really sweet but does not understand that I really would rather be alone. She told me today that I shouldn’t lock myself in the house. I didn’t want to get into an explanation but… Anyway, I look at the photos of us and of me all the 34 years we were together and the joy in my face is so obvious. He was my love, he IS my love and will be forever. Now, I don’t even want to be photographed but when I am, usually with my granddaughter, I am but a shadow of who I used to be.
    Today was one of my angry days. I just wanted to scream for someone to tell me this has all been a terrible nightmare.
    But I wake up each day and try my best because it’s what he would have wanted. However, he had no idea what he was asking. So I do all the things I should, I shower, I clean, I go to the supermarket, I visit my Dad in Miami (he’s 92), take my granddaughter to school but it’s all a huge effort. I also spend certain days in bed and cry all day. I don’t care anymore what “well meaning people” say, I just say I’m better and cut them off. They don’t understand and couldn’t possibly so why try.
    I talk about him to whoever will listen. He was the most amazing human being I have ever met. How can people expect me to be better? We had 34 years of closeness, love, and affection. We never fought, life happened and we had difficult times but it was never about us. There wasn’t one second in our life together that I ever regretted. I was so proud to be his wife. So how can anyone expect me to ‘be better’ ‘get on with your life’ ‘find a new normal’ Really??

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 6th, 2016 at 5:59 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    So walking along on this journey I am finding new things to think about and miss. It is like another door opening and you walk through it to new sadness. I am realizing that my history is gone. Shared stories, everyday life experiences the past things like” “remember we were in California and got lost in a very iffy neighbourhood”, remember this, remember that. Yesterday I forgot my wallet at home and got gas, no wallet. I would have called home, and asked Mark to bring my wallet, now there is no back up plan. My route to work has been under construction for months, it is finally open, I would have been able to share that, he would have known how much I hated the detour. Now no one shares your details of your life. How do we move on, it is like your life has been erased. If anyone has any thoughts on this or also feels like this – please share ?

    Reply

  • Rich

    April 6th, 2016 at 9:03 AM

    I got in the car about a half hour ago, went to the end of my driveway and asked where I’m I going? Normally Janet is besides me giving letting me know we have to go to Flemington or Target or just a nice lunch somewhere local. I sat there for a few minutes turned around and came home.
    Her ashes are in the house for now and when I leave I tell her where I am going and say see you in a little while and if I don’t come back I’ll see you sooner.
    Sometimes I wish sooner was now.

    Reply

  • Janice

    April 6th, 2016 at 9:18 AM

    Dear Jackie–your message resonated with me this morning–my mind was on the same path and I remembered writing the following last fall, a month after my husband died :
    “When you lose your spouse, half of your memory bank has been deleted as well. There is no more “do you remember when…?” or “who was…”? or “what was…”? Primary source gone. Obliterated. Vanished. I’m finding that more and more as I face this aloneness–I have no backup–it’s my memories now, often incomplete and no longer clarified or enhanced by my husband’s recollection of a place or time…” I am relating to everyone’s words–my life is colorless, flat, lacking joy and I cannot fathom continuing my life in this condition! I am just existing–doing the essentials, but feel no change after five months of grieving!

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 6th, 2016 at 1:43 PM

    Hi Janice,
    It has been 7 months for me, and it is almost worse now. It doesn’t really leave my head. You said it exactly, flat, no joy and colourless ( I am Canadian, we spell things differently) ! Back up is gone, rescuer is gone, source of comfort, wiped out completely. Like the hard drive on your computer , just gone – no point of reference. No one else cares, if my detour is now gone, or that I am excited because something new opened in our city, or something happened in politics. I am following your political situation, I live in a border city right near Michigan. So , there was a primary yesterday, we were very interested politically. No one to share what DT said, or HC said, no deep meaningful conversation, just blank. How do we figure this out, I really want an answer. Thank you so much for understanding what I am saying . People who haven’t been through this can’t understand it.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 6th, 2016 at 2:39 PM

    Yes Rich I know that feeling getting in the car no-one beside you then wait-wait for who or what,start the engine reverse out of the drive then drive back in again-so many times I’ve done this with no idea where I wanted to go -when I’d get in the car Ieu was always at my side either we’d be dinning out,shopping,days out,just going somewhere or anywhere but always together-get in the car and off we’d go-just not the same anymore ……………now I get in the car,get out and go back home………….
    My husband loved his food we’d go food shopping together-not the same cooking for one………………
    For weeks afterwards I still made sure I bought his favourite food and drink-just incase-I was in denial and coul not get out of the habit of choosing what he liked only to be thrown away again and again………now I only get the essentials i have no interest in food-no appetite just a continous empy sickly feeling in my stomach-sure we all have learnt to live on snacks,toast and more toast,cereal,bananas and milk-something that can be done quickly,takes no effort and that you don’t sit at the dinning table too long looking at an empty chair his place- he loved mealtimes- all of the family around the table or just the both of us-he enjoyed his food…………..I loved cooking for Ieu-I hate cooking for one……………………………..my life has changed completely -every single aspect of it unrecognisable and I don’t want to be here

    Reply

  • Rich

    April 6th, 2016 at 3:54 PM

    Jackie, Janice
    I thought I was the only one with a perfect marriage, no one could miss their spouse more than me, From your posts (and others) I think we miss our spouses with the same intensity, our entire being and then some.
    Janice, your last paragraph is so true. The joy is gone and not coming back.
    I haven’t eaten Beef or Pork in 36 years. Most everyday was chicken for lunch and dinner and it didn’t bother me. Now Chicken and the occasional fish have become boring even with my limited appetite. I wondered what changed and realized I always had lunch and dinner with Janet. she was my focus, everything else was secondary . Thinking about it I haven’t had bagels, Chinese food or Chocolate since 12/21/16. Now, even the joy of having a good meal is gone.

    Rich

    Reply

  • Rich

    April 6th, 2016 at 4:18 PM

    Shirley:
    Just saw your last post after I left one for Jackie and Janice. Lunch and Dinner is the same thing for me as well.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 6th, 2016 at 10:34 PM

    just skimming here now as you all echo my feelings so much it’s….amplification.

    i am working to do some things….get my husband’s papers to an archive…..functioning in the not all there way we function. and so slow, so sad. i want to die of grief. it is my wish. i do not like to be in the world without my beloved. some of you seem to feel like i do. so we suffer together and wish each other well….

    i have another problem..i’m a jew and passover is coming. i have plans but want to stay home and hide under the covers and hug cats and think about steve and cry. leaning toward that plan. need to call the air insurance ppl tomorrow and see what i did. not sure the day after the half year anniversary of the death of the love of my life, the perfect partner, the one with whom i had one shared life…… not sure that day is good for travel. even to see good friends on a special holiday. i am most comfortable hiding in this home that is ours tho he is gone. i go to the cemetery but i feel steve here. all these things. that mean so much to us. that tell our story. that make me cry. so…d ‘you folks think i should hide here or push myself out? i’m feeling like hiding now. what do you think? thanks and …..suffer as best you can. with help from lorazepam and whatever else helps. i do not want to live long but i need to be here now. i do not need to be at this party any more now that he is gone, you know? i know you know. thanks. and i won’t say be well. i’lll say take care, good grief…… indulge in quality tissues and stay hydrated as we weep together for our separate losses. thanks again.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    April 7th, 2016 at 9:47 AM

    Dear Rebecca,
    I know EXACTLY what you are feeling but I promised him I would go on. Even though we had no clue what he was asking of me, I will honor his wishes. Now, how do I do that? I function and mechanically do what I think I should do. Aside from the daily chores which I do slowly and sometimes just to get them out of the way, I started going to yoga, and the first few classes, I broke down more than once but thankfully it is a small group and they understand.
    During Thanksgiving I went and had dinner with the family but left shortly after. I realize that I can do things but for a very short time. I love our home and it is my haven. All I get is “you can’t keep yourself cooped up in the house” and they don’t understand that it’s my way of being with him. I prefer to be alone, now that he is gone. I write in a journal but it’s mostly writing to him. There are days that I do stay ‘under the covers.’
    As far as going out, I prefer to go alone. When I do go out to the doctor or do an errand, my car is well stocked with tissues. I have even gone to a movie or two. However, I do it by myself, there is a movie theater called the ‘fork and screen’ that you get served throughout the movie just like in a restaurant, including drinks. It’s like going out to dinner by yourself but you don’t need to talk to anyone and get to see a movie. These I call my brave moments and it also makes my family think I am ok. I am taking a trip soon to visit our son and his family. I haven’t seen them but once since the memorial and our son is having a hard time too. There are moments when I want to back out of the trip but know I really need to go. As much as I hate feeling like I HAVE to do something, I accept that it is right to do it.
    I do realize that I have changed. I have no staying power. I can do things but lose interest quickly. I love to sew but can’t seem to get into it for very long. I used to be able to do it for hours.
    I miss him every moment of every day and I don’t think that is ever going to change but I will keep trying, I will keep taking baby steps until we meet again.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S.

    April 7th, 2016 at 11:25 AM

    VIVIAN you do know exactly! movies are out of the question for me. i just was on the phone checking on the insurance coverage if i cancel this trip. now i think i should go. i journaled today …..”love to grief to panic”…… and how we had been living love to love to love. shirley says if she could die of a broken heart she wouldn’t be here…i don’t want to be here. i want to die of a broken heart. i loved shared life with my husband and i do not want a new normal. i want the old normal i can’t have. i have a flight scheduled to a passover seder in 2 weeks. it is an important holiday. i am terrified to go, and terrified to stay here and weep under the covers. either way it will be the first passover without steve and it will hurt. i don’t get it with the baby steps either…i don’t want to take any steps. i want to hide. you know? all i want is it not to be true. in 2 weeks it will be 6 months. i saw steve in a dream last night and it woke me . i want him here with me, alive. all i want is what i cannot have. he is my everything. my husband and whole family and best friend. i do not know how those of us who feel this bad can go on. i think there are many widows who die but it is not reported in the paper. a friend who is a psych nurse knew of widows who felt so bad they attempted suicide but failed and landed in the psych ward. if someone is smart….well it is rare that suicide is listed as cause of death. i would never do anything that made that clear. and i think one can die of a broken heart. but right now…..all i know is it is horrible. what we are going through. and i know my husband would not want me to suffer and i feel him weeping with me, for me, and also for his own loss of life, and that we are apart. i do not know how any widow can manage. it mystifies me. this site has given us one another. widows know. we are the best help for one another. thank you. but the very best help would be for it not to be true. to continue the love filled life with my beloved. how do we manage? thank you all who understand. we suffer together as we suffer alone. under the covers is the place for me. he died in this bed, by my side. some times i feel i want to stay where he left me. my digestion is messed up….i do not know if it is nerves or if i am really ill. i’ve lost 20 pounds…i look at food and cry….i want to cook for steve….oddly this week i have eaten a bit more….i am lucky i had spare pounds on me. society should not stress thin ness….in cases of illness or this grief which is a strange illness …one might need those spare pounds. oh i have no attention for movies, no want to do anything without my love…i manage to clean the house and take care of the cats and do the minimum i have to. i try and write his life story, i spend 2 days a week writing but part of each day is frittered away and also all i can seem to write is variations of how much i love him and miss him. you understand. many of you. those i name and others too. thank you for understanding. this suffering is too great for us. love is wonderful. we never know when we are in the midst of it that grief is the price we will have to pay. no one can teach us ” one of you will die first…then what will you do”….no one can prepare us. the horror of it all……….be as well as you can, grief sufferers….we are lucky that we had loves and were loved and that we gave love…….

    Reply

  • Vivian

    April 7th, 2016 at 1:48 PM

    Rebecca,
    It has been 9 months for me. I don’t know if all my previous comments are listed but I want you to read what I wrote on March 16th. A couple of the people on this blog have connected directly through email. If you would like that, I will be more than happy to talk one on one.
    This is in my room and I truly believe it;
    THE DAY GOD TOOK YOU HOME
    A million times I’ve needed you,
    a million times I’ve cried…
    If love alone could have saved you
    you never would have died.
    In life I loved you dearly,
    in death I love you still.
    In my heart you hold a place,
    no one else can ever fill.
    It broke my heart to lose you
    but you didn’t go alone.
    Part of me went with you the day that GOD took you home.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 7th, 2016 at 3:48 PM

    *If you can die from a broken heart-why haven’t I died then…………………..why am I still here-I feel my heart is broken into a million pieces shattered beyond repair -how can I still be alive-I’m suffering the mental and physical pain of loosing Ieu and don’t know what to do anymore and how to cope this torment seeing our familiar things in the home we built together everyday reminders of the wonderfull marriage and life we had to be destroyed in a single second -how can it be true,how can it happen,how-I want to wake up from this nightmare a living hell -all I want is his arms around me then I’d know everything would be allright-I ache for his touch,half asleep I put my hand out and reach for his but frantically all I feel is a cold empty space I panic as the realty of him not ever going to be next to me again kicks in and I try and get through another day as somehow onl God knows how but again I’ve survived this cruel foreign unfamiliar land that I am now living in well I wouldn’t call it living but existing and the torment of what was begins again………………..and then if only………………….or what if…………………..or thoughs of what we would be doing right now if only he was here……………and while I still breathe I know this grief will never end and if it dosen’t kill me how can I learn to live with it………………millions have millions will- not sure I can do this though………………………………….just hurts toooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much!!
    Thanks Rich,Jackie,Vivian and everyone else- by sharing our feelings on the intensity of this grief were going through right now can only be of help to us all to try and begin to understand our greatest loss and that we are not alone though this may feel to be the loneliest place on earth without your loved one by your side-thinking of you all……take care……X

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 8th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    Shirlee, we all know how you are feeling, it is the loneliest place on earth without our loved ones with us. I don’t know how we do it either, quite honestly how do we get better. I miss my Mark so much. I feel I took him for granted and didn’t appreciate how wonderful he was all the time. I don’t know what to do about our horrific losses and how we stop reliving the nightmare over and over. It is horrible – I wish I could say differently but it is just so terribly sad for us and lonely. I do know they would not want that for us, I am sure they are weeping for us and wanting us to do better. A huge part of me is definitely gone and there is a unfillable void and hole in my heart.

    Reply

  • Rich S

    April 8th, 2016 at 2:07 PM

    Jackie:
    I just signed up for a meeting with Grief Share at an area church. I am not the kind of guy that relies on others for support. Janet was my support and now that she is gone I realize I can’t do this by myself. I’ll try it once and let everyone know if it helped. Maybe there are people out there that can benefit by a group like this.
    I know my life won’t be put back together but I can’t keep taking Lorazapam either. I went with the neighbors for lunch and to pick up my wood splitter at Tractor Supply but when I am with people for more than an hour the anxiety kicks in and I just want to get home. This cannot continue. Janet would expect much, much more from me.
    After I go I’ll let everyone know what I thought. Hopefully it is a positive experience and will encourage others that are suffering to consider this program.

    Rich

    Reply

  • Vivian

    April 8th, 2016 at 5:52 PM

    Rich,
    I know how that feels. I can’t seem to be with people for too long. Last night went out to dinner with my brother and his wife. They are really great and although they don’t truly understand what it feels like to lose a spouse, they lost a son at age 20. So I feel comfortable with them but after going out, the next day I am a mess. That’s today. All I could think of are all the dreams that will never come true for us. We left so much undone, I fall apart every time I see all these travel commercials of places we dreamt of. But, in truth, I would be happy to just have him here. Even if we sat at home every day, that would mean everything. I miss him so much.

    Reply

  • Janice

    April 8th, 2016 at 6:25 PM

    Dear All, especially Rebecca, with whom I share some friends in common in my little university town. First of all, Rebecca, as hard as it is, try to keep Passover–even if it’s just to spend some time with friends and family. I think I’m right when I say that everyone who has been writing regularly on this site shares the same intense emotions and difficulties. I have decided there are three major areas serving as catalysts for the depth of my sorrow and grieving–one is the obvious fact that my husband of 46 years DIED. I still cannot believe it and probably say those words every hour. It occurs to me that while death is a part of our lives, it pains me above all that HE had to die and does not know he died. I am struggling with that every day. I know he died–I was there and saw the anguish and pain on his face–forget “surrounded by loving family and friends” as you often read in the paper–he was in sudden cardiac arrest and while he heard me tell him I loved him, it was not a peaceful departure for him. He had been so full of hope and optimism and seemed aware at the very end that something was wrong. It happened SO fast. What did he feel? Was he afraid? I weep now as I imagine his face, briefly aware and then, he was gone. Secondly, while I grieve his death, I now, as you are, reeling from now living without my love. While I can bear some moments of solitude, everything in our little home is filled with memories of our long life together–and I feel such loneliness, seeing it all now. It all seems meaningless and empty, which brings me to the third point–is it worth it to go on? To live? I absolutely hate feeling this abysmal pain and gut-wrenching sorrow every day of my life. It assaults me physically and mentally and takes an enormous toll on my energy–motivation is nearly non-existent and I’m functioning on a very minimal level. Rich, I have been going to GriefShare–it’s very faith-based and while it doesn’t suit everyone, I have gleaned through what I needed and found just being with the small group here very useful and uplifting. I don’t agree with some of it and still haven’t decided, even as a Christian, what happens when we die. If we do move to another realm, that’s great–if not, what can we possibly do about it? So, those are my ramblings for the night. Thanks for reading this–if anyone has! Jackie–I think I read in one of your posts that you lived near Windsor? Is that correct? My husband immigrated to Sarnia from Germany when he was just 14! Love and peace to all of you…Janice

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 9th, 2016 at 7:49 AM

    Hi Rich,
    I went to Grief Share too at a local Church, it was to far a distance for me at night so I stopped going and am now going to another group closer to my home. They have a very good workbook that I have kept and read all the time. I think it will be good for you, it is helpful to meet other people in the same horrible situation. At our Grief Share, each table had a leader that had been through the loss of a spouse. I know what you mean, if I go to someone’s house after a period of time I want to leave. Janet knows you are having a difficult time, she wouldn’t expect more of you, she has more wisdom than we do right now and she knows your pain. She is smiling on you and wants you to get better but is not judging you. She will guide you to get better as you would for if she was left behind. I think it will happen – it has to happen for us, we just don’t see it yet. I agree that you will not want to take Lorazapam forever, I have a prescription for Xanax but I haven’t filled it yet, although I probably should have. I am so happy you are going to Grief Share, just to get out and meet other people that have experienced a loss is helpful. Janet is cheering you on, I know she is.
    Jackie

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 9th, 2016 at 12:49 PM

    Hi Janice,
    My husband died of sudden cardiac arrest also, it was so quick he I don’t know what he was thinking, we were walking, he said wait a minute and then he fell. It was just so horrible, I am thinking about it all the time, but seem to only be able to picture it in small pieces. He had a heart condition for many years, and we were both sick that past week with the flu. Yes, I am from Windsor and Sarnia is not that far from here, about an hour if you go the Michigan way. I have friends in Sarnia. We are all linked somehow, now in grief but probably also in the 6 degrees of separation as they say. Just living day by day, hour by hour really. I am now wondering if this is all there will be in life from now until we are together again. Is anyone else thinking that ? I don’t want to be selfish but we are the ones left and living like this forever will be so difficult, if not impossible.

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    April 9th, 2016 at 3:16 PM

    Hi Rich I wish you peace and the support you need from your Grief Share group -will be interesting reading your comment once you’ve been-there are no support groups in my home town I wish there was one as it can only be good thing to talk about this agonising grief were all going through and give support to each other along the way.

    Hi everyone-does any one of you live in Wales?

    *I know that awful feeling when you have returned home having spent time amongst company the reminders of what was etc although when you are with them it does helps pass the time but after a while you feel you want to escape and you must get back home but then when you get home alone it then suddenly hits you and your mind goes into overdrive the realization that your entire life now changed forever gone and the time just spent and witnessed was the norm for us before my nightmare journey began-feels now I’m doing this alone so strange,hard going,leaves me drained confused feels wrong… I don’t know how to explain it all I know its hard to be’just Shirl’ when it always been ‘Ieu♡Shirl’… since I was 15yrs old when we first became a couple-happily married for 40yrs… when Ieu passed away suddenly @ 60yrs old… I only know how to be a couple -I only know us ‘Ieu♡Shirl’… I do not know where I fit in this world anymore… I feel so lost… does anyone understand what I’m trying to say… sometimes I don’t understand any of this… I don’t know who I am anymore…

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 9th, 2016 at 11:18 PM

    dear sufferers, we understand each other and no one else does. we will be unhappy forever. most of us. i’m not at a half year yet. it’s saturday night now… time for bed. i had my weekend meltdown… i too don’t know how nor want to learn how to be anything but a couple. i loved our shared life. i do not want to be a widow. i can’t imagine staying sad and going on. i hang on now to honor my husband – to get his papers to an archive… to get a stone designed over his grave… i do love our cats. now the flowers bloom in our iowa yard. what we planted together has spread out over years. but he is not here to see it with me to talk with me… to be together… and i get sadder every day. nothing helps. i go to some individual grief counseling. nothing will ever help unless time can go back and we can save steve’s life and our shared life. i do not want to be in this world much longer. i have things to do and i function so inefficiently with sadness… and i get tired easily… yesterday after normal house cleaning i was exhausted… together we were to joyfully fix up our old house and get ready for the “final quarter”, of things being easier, some retirement, and simple pleasures together… which was stolen by his death… and now i do not want to be here without him. i wonder if my own attitude and stress and the mind body connection will take my life from me… it does’t feel like life but for hugging kitties… i miss my beloved so… we were a team, a shared life… i imagine no improvement… your sadness reflects mine back to me… one day i will find some way to exit this existence. my love and i would say to one another “you are my home in the world”. some people say you should have had more gal pals or lunch dates… but we had busy lives and cherished our alone time together. i don’t want a lunch date. i want the love of my life, my soul mate, to live out the years of life he had in him, and to be by my side… but it will not happen… i cannot imagine how i can go on living without him for very long. i feel my mouth turned down. i think my smile muscles are broken. my digestion is all messed up either from stress or because i have a health problem, i don’t know. i just know life is beautiful but without my love who loved me… i don’t want to be here. not for long. i think you understand. we struggle so… be as well as you can, which is not very, right????? good dreams to whoever can find them..the waking world is a dream gone wrong…

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 10th, 2016 at 8:57 AM

    Hi Shirley,
    I know exactly what you mean , I met Mark at 15 as well. My whole adult life has been spent as a couple – my teen years too. The other day I was thinking of people that were going to be invited somewhere, I kept counting myself as a two. I just can’t believe that I am now a one. I also don’t know where to fit anymore. I feel lost , I don’t really clean my house anymore because I think why do it for just me, like I am invisible. I look at all my nice things that I used when I had guests and think, well I might as well give them away now because when could I possibly use them. I know exactly what you are saying. I felt a little stronger today, during the first few months I would go to Starbucks and be in a state of shock really, I felt everyone must be thinking who is that sad, lonely looking woman sitting here by herself on a Sunday. For me Sunday’s are the hardest days. I went this morning and I felt a bit stronger. Maybe we should all share something good that has happened to us, even if it is something really small. Maybe we could try to turn this around a little, we are the only ones that are able to do that for ourselves, our spouses would want that, we would want that for them. Think of one good thing that you did over the weekend, and post it !

    Reply

  • Rich S.

    April 10th, 2016 at 2:18 PM

    Jackie:
    I just came back from a friends birthday party. I drove 25 miles to his house and was going to drive by his street at the last minute since I was feeling quite anxious. I turned in took several deep breaths and walked in. I did it because Janet would not want me sitting at home. Maybe it’s the first step of many.
    I contacted a local church that has the grief share groups and they responded and will call me this week. Now I’m getting cold feet about going. Janet would want me to do anything that gets me better.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Scott J

    April 10th, 2016 at 7:17 PM

    I can relate to what many are saying here. I lost my wife on 2-3-2016 after 4o years of marriage. A part of my life has been ripped out of me and I have no idea on how to move on anymore. I stay active yet everything I do feels meaningless, much like putting a bandaid on an amputated arm. I have no desire to live anymore because she WAS my life. My chest hurts like crazy…broken heart…and no one around me seems to really care. To them, my wife’s dying is an inconvenience or a minor bummer, yet to me, my life has ended.
    Everyone tells me to keep busy, yet that doesn’t help. I have tried doing things with friends, but I am the third wheel all the time. The hardest part is that they go home as a couple and I go home alone…again. I have punched holes in the wall because of my anger at her leaving me. I know it’s stupid but I don’t know what to do.
    I would gladly die tonight so that I can be with her again and that has been my desire for the past two months. I’m not suicidal, I just miss her so much.
    People tell me that it will get better with time, yet for me the pain gets worse every day. I’m lucky if I can go 30 minutes without thinking of her. She’s the last thing I’m thinking about when I go to sleep and the very first thing on my mind when I wake.
    In church today that had us hold hands with the person next to us for a prayer. As fate would have it, the person next to me was a woman. It was the first time since my wife died that I have held hands with a woman. I’ve been crying most of the day since then. My wife and I held hands all the time.
    I never knew I could cry so many tears.

    Reply

  • Kathy

    April 11th, 2016 at 5:49 AM

    Scott. You are so on target with your feelings and emotions. I too was married for 40 years. My Steve passed away 3 years ago. I can tell you I really didn’t care about living anymore. What for? Who cares? My husband wanted me to call when I left work so he could know I would arrive home safely. You no longer feel like going with other couples. It’s just feels uncomfortable. The truth is sink or swim. Somehow God gives us the strength to get through one day at a time. I still cry (and very intensely sometimes) particularly Sunday’s which was family dinner day, kids and grandchildren. When a certain song comes on or something triggers a memory but time does lift the intensity of those moments. I would give anything to have him back but we know that isn’t happening. My husband wanted me to enjoy life. He told me so. I am giving it the college try. I’m now volunteering, joining a walking group and staying connected with his family. All the best to you all. my husbands favorite saying to all was “God loves you and so do I”

    Reply

  • Vivian

    April 10th, 2016 at 10:02 PM

    Dear Scott,
    If one more person tells me, ‘it will get better with time’ I will scream. It’s been 9 months and one week since he died. It’s not better. I miss him more every day. I do things but can only do them for a short time before I just want to be alone. Without him my life is joyless. My husband and I held hand all the time too! It was a thrill every time. Our love was beyond my wildest dreams. I keep trying to do things I used to love to do but I lose interest right away. We were always together. He was the one who consoled me and comforted me throughout our 34 years together. Now what? I actually have gone out with my family and I always feel so lost, really lonely without him even if I am surrounded by people. I am no comfort to you but know that you are not alone. So time has not really healed. I often get told to find a new normal but I don’t want a new normal, what’s normal about my better half gone??

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 10th, 2016 at 11:18 PM

    hi people just thinking reading new posts that whatever our loves want for us or would want..we have to move only as fast as we can. in my case very slow. so glad i live with cats. we all ( miao miaos and me) miss our man but i especially have been having a hard time in this spring the season of the birth of our relationship 36 years ago. still equivocating about going on a trip for jewish holiday. the week will unfold and let me know. i am getting something out of hiding out and doing things i have to at home, and walking. and having some contact with understanding souls —thank you all

    Reply

  • Janice

    April 11th, 2016 at 1:05 AM

    Scott, the first thing is–you found this site and the stories which share all that you described. We all carry the same pain. Whether it has been a year, two months or a day–the deep sorrow we feel is the same. My husband died five months ago ; we were married for 3 mo. shy of 47 years. Be prepared to know that you are just beginning–it does not get better. You learn to cope, but as I have often written, all the joy has left my life. I try to focus each day on the blessings of the life we shared and that strengthens me, but the tears never, ever end. The people who keep writing here are so special and are here for you. You are not alone. We know.

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  • Rich S.

    April 11th, 2016 at 5:42 AM

    Scott:
    After being together 34 years my wife passed on 2/3/2016, same date as your wife.
    The difference for me is that I don’t feel anger just tremendous disappointment that we didn’t have more time together.
    As for holding the women’s hand in church, at Janet’s memorial I had a number of women hug me. I was never a hugger except with Janet and I realized how much I missed that simple act of affection. I grab Janet’s cat every now and give her a big squeeze while she struggles to get away from me.
    I am going to try a group called Grief Share, however, just like you I am ready to join Janet in a moment. I told my friends and family that if something happens to me don’t mourn because I would be so very happy.
    Rich

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  • Jackie

    April 11th, 2016 at 6:11 AM

    Hi Scott, & Rich and everyone !
    Scott, we all know how you feel, we are unfortunately living it each day too, we are walking in your shoes. It is horrible. You are right whatever we do seems like doing it just for something to do, not actually living our “real life”, but like a fake thing to do, something to kill time. All of us on this site understand what you are saying. The only thing I can say is that they would want us to be happy, would want us to try – we would SO want that for them. Friends think that by now we should be better, it is hard to be better when your world has been taken away from you. They are all still walking in the same world while we are on another planet. Rich, I am so happy that you went to the friends house, and you are right Janet would not want you to be sitting home alone doing nothing . I have been really thinking about that lately that Mark would have probably done his things, exercise, etc., I think he would have and I would be so angry if he was just sitting there upset and sad, I would be crying from heaven knowing that. We don’t want them crying from heaven because we are so sad, we owe it not only to ourselves but to them, to try – they are always with us making us move forward the best we can. We love them so much, we can’t let them down now.

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  • Scott J

    April 11th, 2016 at 10:24 AM

    Thanks to all for the kind words. I too like Rich, was not much of a hugger except with my wife, Minnie, but I sure did love hugging her. All my cares seemed to melt away when I held her in my arms. I get hugs from my daughter and granddaughter, but it’s not the same. When we first got married, looking forward 40 years seemed like an eternity, now however when I look back on those same 40 years, it seems as if it was only moments that we had together.
    I can’t seem to sleep anymore either, which I’m told is normal, and it’s probably because we always fell asleep holding hands.
    One if the challenges for me is that she went so quickly. She was in the hospital because the doctors thought she had pneumonia and they kept telling us/me that she would be fine, then Friday morning they tell us her heart was failing and there was nothing they could do. Five days later she died. I didn’t get a chance to really say goodbye or talk with her much because she was so weak. The thousands of things I wanted to say to her are still left unsaid. It’s hard to let that stuff go.
    I know I’ll see her again someday, though that day can’t come too soon for me.
    I attended a wake for the husband of one of my nieces last Friday and that brought all the hurt and pain flooding back into my life. I know, as do all of you folks, the pain that my niece is now feeling. Maybe in helping her grieve, I might be able to heal some.
    One can hope.
    Thanks again to all of you.

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  • Shirley O

    April 11th, 2016 at 2:43 PM

    Hi Scott and friends,touched my heart when you mentioned holding hands-i always held Ieu’s hand and knew the moment he died when he did not squeese my hand back and in an instant I knew my life had changed forever also I remember seeing him afterwards and held his hand was so cold that was not my Ieu-we’d been married for 40 wonderfull happy years -people said how lucky I was memories to treasure forever but I wanted 40 more……………
    I have had picture etched of’ our holding hands’ engraved on his stone and words inscribed above in Welsh our first language-I shall walk with you and hold you hand forever ……………
    Hence why when you mentioned holding your wife’s hand it touched my heart as I know excactly what you mean……………I miss his hugs and his closeness and every second of every day there’s something else I miss about Ieu it does not get better but somehow you learn to live with this agonising painfull,unfamiliar new world your in without your soulmate,your love,your best friend by your side,your life gone in a blink of an eye changed forever-me,you and everyone else here our lives now changed forever,I died also-I don’t know who I am anymore……….yes I’m still Ieu’s wife in name but how can I be that person now – without him here next to me holding my hand…………..we were always a couple-two hearts beating as one,did everything together I know nothing else-I don’t want to be alone-I hope you understand what I’m trying to say -all I know is how much I’m hurting its because I miss him more as each day passes………………..it does not get better-how do you learn to live without your love?
    We are all here being truthfull saying it as it is helping each other along -we all cope differently-we all have known true love why we are now struggling and in so much pain mentally and physically-its exhausting and I cannot think or look ahead because I am so scared what about you……………..

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  • Rebecca

    April 11th, 2016 at 5:19 PM

    this is hell on earth is it not?and it is not going to get better? there are other sites where people talk about beating the grief monster. and going to meet ups. nope. i fit in here. is not this the site of misery? is that not our fate? btw there was a good article on fear being a big component of grief. anyway this suffering is not what i would call managing or living, would you? and should i even say be well? as you can be? which might not be much. and do very little when you are overcome. and tears are a need for hydration. oh my. hydration. as if it was as simple as more water……more you my love. more you. we all say it. more years of you. whoever your you is…we want more years of our person….and are thus forever sad…is that it? the distillation of the commonality of the suffering? y or n or other….i think it’s Y.
    :.(……….

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 12th, 2016 at 2:17 PM

    Hi Rebecca,

    I don’t want to disagree with you, but I do think we have to have some hope to get the strength to do this, to walk through it and to emerge and I have to say I certainly don’t know when, nor can I say how we do it, but we have to take that walk, on shaky ground with tears everyday, and much sadness, but we have to do it. We have a common bond, and yes it is truly horrible the worst thing that I can imagine, but we do need hope and we have to support everyone in a way that can lift us up. So hoping that we do get some comfort at some point. We just have to do it for our person.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 12th, 2016 at 2:58 PM

    My birthday today not in much of a mood to celebrate-no morning cuppa a birthday kiss-no…….no………….no…………..no………….no……………I take red roses to his grave-Happy Birthday Shirl -I cry…………………..
    Friends call take me out to lunch then later daughters and grandkids make a special meal and a birhday cake -my little grandaughter so excited blowing out the candles as my eldest grandson said make a wish Naini (Welsh name for Grandma) but don’t tell or it won’t come true……………………I make a wish-I won’t tell but I know it won’t come true-never…………………………ever……………………………………..
    My daughters and grandkids are the only reason I’m still here………………………….I miss Ieu sooooooooooooooooooooooo much I do not know how I’ve survived till now my heart is broken-I just want him back-I want to be with him……………nothing will ever be the same……………………I remember his last birthday his 60 …………………celebrating with the family the photos show how happy we all were was to be our last photos together as our complete family……………little did we know -there was no warning nothing that just a few weeks afterwards our lives changed forever -now family Birthdays would never be the same again………………..one person missing and our family has fallen apart -he held us together……………..but life goes on as everyone keeps telling me…………but I feel stuck……..I don’t want Birthdays without him…………….I don’t want any day to be without Ieu…………………

    Reply

  • Ann

    April 14th, 2016 at 3:48 PM

    Hi there Shirley, I lost my husband on December 1st 2015, we had been together for 39 years. Every day I cry but today has been especially bad, I feel guilty that I had to let my husband, my best friend, pass away. I agreed to the removal of his supportive care because he had severe brain damage. He was in a coma and didn’t wake up, I feel so empty as though I have no substance, all that I was went with him on that terrible day. I know what you mean about birthdays, I’m not looking forward to mine, can’t face it without him. I know how you feel, our lives were turned upside down and we are trying to make sense of it all. We feel very alone but we are not alone on this site. Please keep in touch, my thoughts are with you.

    Reply

  • Rich S.

    April 13th, 2016 at 7:22 AM

    Went to a Grief Share meeting last night.
    There were about 17 people, all very nice. There was a mix there that included loss of brother, grandfather, child, friends and only me with a loss of a spouse. From my previous comments you may know that I lost both parents in 2006 to an accident. As an only child and took it very hard. But as hard as that was it was nothing compared to losing Janet. I know these people are suffering but I just can’t relate to them. I think I’m worse now than when I went in. I can’t seem to find a grief group that focuses just on widowers. Does anyone know of one? I live in NJ and would drive several hours to the right group. Sloan has one but it is online.
    Thanks,
    Rich

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 13th, 2016 at 8:24 AM

    Hi Rich,
    I started with grief share too, but it was far and it was a mix of losses. Not that one loss seems greater when you are going through it, but the loss of a spouse is just horrible. I am so sorry about your parents and as an only child I can relate, to feeling just unconnected in the world. I don’t have children either. The world feels very scary right now. I also feel worse now and it has been 7 months. I am in a spousal loss grief group now, and everyone has lost a spouse. It is so hard to explain the difference in this loss. In the loss of a parent it is just horrible, but you still have your life to go back to. There is not only the loss of your person, in this case, but you have also lost your normal life – how do we create a new life without them, you just want normal to return. This is tremendously difficult. You are right, experiencing other losses there is no loss like this. It invades every waking moment for me. I can’t believe I am in this world alone. I understand completely what you are saying. I wish I new of something in New Jersey for you, maybe someone else will be able to direct you. In the meantime, even though we are online – you have all of us.

    Reply

  • Scott J

    April 13th, 2016 at 9:54 AM

    Rich, I know exactly what you mean about the grief groups and not being able to relate to those folks. I’ve attended several different groups myself & I also found it hard to relate to someone who had lost their parent/grandparent/sibling, etc. Both of my parents are dead as well and though, like you state, it is hard, it is nothing like losing a spouse. I do understand grief is different for everyone, and I can have sympathy and even empathy for someone who lost a parent/grandparent, yet for them to go on for months and/or years, is hard for me to understand and/or relate to. As far as stupid things people say to us in our grief, I had one friend tell me that he knew what I was going through because he had a cousin die. What do you say to someone like that?
    I am in a grief group now that consists of five guys (including me) all whom have recently lost their wives. It’s facilitated by a pastor, but basically all he does is keep us focused on why we are there. Otherwise it would be just guys talking about stuff to keep their minds off of how they feel and what they are going through. It’s still hard to relate, because we’re guys, yet it is the only group where I come away with a sense that they really understand what I’m going through, what I’m feeling, AND somewhat care about what I’m going through.
    I am also fortunate in that I have one friend who really seems to care about my well being and he is the one who heard about this group and recommended it to me. This group I am now attending, is at a local church and they accepted me into the group even though I don’t attend their church. Might be worth it to call around to the different churches and see if they know of any grief groups. One of Minnie’s aunts, who lost her husband 2 1/2 years ago, was able to find a grief group, that really helped her, through one of the local churches as well.
    Just an idea.
    One of the most helpful things for me right now is just being able to talk about Minnie to someone or listen to them talk about her. I have a few friends that have not talked to me since Minnie died because they don’t know what to say to me or are afraid to talk about her for fear of making me hurt. Don’t they understand? How can we not want to talk about someone who was a part of our life for years and years. Yeah we may cry…so what.
    Talk to us!
    I’ve lost my wife and now I’ve lost friends.
    Scott

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  • Rich S

    April 13th, 2016 at 12:41 PM

    Scott:
    My pastor is looking around for a men’s group and so am I. You would think living close to NYC there would be something. While the intentions of the Grief Share group are good I don’t think I will get much out of it.
    As for friends. Funny how many disappear. I make it a point not to call out in case they are uncomfortable but I do have a solid group who are sticking with me.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 14th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    terrified re passover is in a week and a day. major jewish holiday. whatever i do it will be without steve and i am terrified. lovely invite to indiana but i am scared to go. scared to stay. the fear and terror component of grief…i don’t know. how to live without steve. so sad this spring without him. go or stay. dare i travel? i am so anxious and i do not trust me to be good company. so weepy. and the holiday is 6 months to the day after we buried my love. the love of my life and i of his. not managing at all. not not not. sigh…….clues?

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 14th, 2016 at 4:27 PM

    Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss. The GoodTherapy.org Team is not qualified to offer professional advice, but we encourage you to reach out. A therapist or counselor can often be helpful and a good source of support if grief becomes overwhelming or difficult to manage.

    You can locate one in your area through our site. Simply enter your ZIP code here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Rich

    April 14th, 2016 at 4:45 PM

    Rebecca:
    I understand what you are going through. I leave the house for daily trips but it is my security blanket so I don’t go too far. In the early days Janet and I traveled extensively in the Northeast but once we settled in on the “farm” that became our focus and I don’t think we went overnight (other than the recent hospitalization) in 16 years.
    I was going to travel to see my nephew’s new home in Florida and buy some new appliances for them, now I’m thinking of flying to Fla in the morning and back to NJ in the evening. Pretty extreme.
    I hope you go to Indiana it would provide encouragement to you and to others like me that need to do break out of the new norm.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Rich

    April 14th, 2016 at 4:53 PM

    Ann:
    Regarding birthdays, tomorrow is mine.
    I still buy cards for Janet and put them in a mailbox that I have on the woodshed. When Janet was here and she saw the red flag was up she knew I left a card for her. I bought a card for me and wrote a note that I would hope to have come from her and put it in the mailbox, I signed it Love, Janet. Did it a week ago and forgot what it says, Going to open it tomorrow morning.

    Rich

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 14th, 2016 at 10:15 PM

    happy belated birthday shirley and happy birthday rich. my sad birthday was 10 days ago. i feel like i am watching all that there was to celebrate turn to sad. i am scared to go to indiana. i do not think i am ready to go anywhere without steve. these 4 cats who love and need me…they grieve him too. still on the fence re passover. birthday went by….passsover will be worse wherever i am, indiana or iowa…i imagine weeping in the airport so i think this show is not ready for the road. may = our wedding anniversary…i guess i will lie down beside his grave for that holiday. oh my. this widow thing is not to be wished on anyone. all be well. and happy birthday rich, shirley a bit late…..carry on as best you can…..one breath at a time? barely…..

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 15th, 2016 at 6:00 AM

    Rich,
    I hope you have a good birthday, mine was in December and I dreaded it, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought, Marks is coming up in June and am not looking forward to that day. I am sure that your birthday message from Janet is truly her voice to you. I really think they know , I truly believe that. She may not have physically picked out the card, but she was part of the thought behind it. All of us are wishing you a happy birthday.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 15th, 2016 at 6:04 AM

    Hi Rebecca,
    Go for Passover, it will be hard but staying alone won’t be good for you. I also want to be myself on Passover but accepted an invitation for both nights. I will just get through it, they wouldn’t want us to be by ourselves. Steve wouldn’t want you to sit by yourself crying, you wouldn’t want that for him. Go !!

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    April 15th, 2016 at 4:53 PM

    Thanks Ann and Rebecca-yes all Birthdays, Anniversaries and any celebration, are all going to be so hard without our loved ones to share. We can only do what we feel on these special days the waves of grief comes without any warning and knocks you completely off your feet, and you are right back to the second your world changed forever. You will never be the same again, and wouldn’t want to be, but somehow must find the strength to ride the waves as they come towards you head on and we must keep our loved ones memories alive.

    I talk about Ieu every day and that’s how it should be he was my life then and still is now. Some friends have abandoned me also, and it hurts but I realize now they just didn’t know what to say or do. If only they had stopped to think because I don’t know what to say or do either. I cannot walk away, but thankfully I have good close friends who are there when I need them, and of course my family. We are all hurting and missing him so much.

    My little granddaughter came out from school today and ran towards me and first thing she said she wanted her Taid (Grandpa) back and why hasn’t he come back home. I hug her and try and explain to her once again. If he could have my darling. he would have, but now he’s a very special star in the sky and before I had a chance to say any more she said, “He must be the shiniest and best star ever,” but she still misses him, and then runs off to catch up with her little friend. But how can you truly explain such a loss to a child when a person they adore and have seen every day has just gone, vanished out of their lives? How can you explain and make them understand, when you cannot explain or come to terms with what happened and don’t understand it yourself?

    My daughters, my grand-kids are grieving also. So hard to help them when I am grieving for him every second of every day. I try to be there for them the best I can… but in my heart all I want to do is be with Ieu… I know nothing else… I don’t want anything else… I fear what’s ahead of me… we has so many plans was going to be our year… now I got no plans… today I cannot even think of tomorrow… baby steps… more like crawling your way through thick sticky fog no idea where you going, don’t really care, no familiar sign posts, nothing the same now, nothing will ever be the same again.

    No wonder I’m lost. We’re all lost, still trying to find our way back. If we want to or not, there’s only forward, we can go now alone… one journey alone I did not expect to be going on not now was going to be our year we’d planned it… so cruelly taken away my love, my life was everything I’d lived for and known… why us… why me… why now… why you… why Ann, why Jackie, why Rebecca, why Rich, why Scott, why Vivian, why everyone here… we have all asked why… someone told me the other day we all miss him so much he was such a character a very special wonderful man. Yes, God takes only the best… can anyone explain this to me as I’ve heard it few times before… you see I cannot understand why would God want me and my family and our little ones to hurt and suffer such pain and loss… makes me angry… I am still looking for someone to blame… deep down I know there is no one… death happens… I died to… this isn’t living… its trying to survive grief a living hell… thanks to everyone here. you know, you understand it helps to share. To tell our stories. Our lives now gone forever… what happens now God only knows… I’ve no idea how to carry on without my love… I wake, I remember, I sleep, I wake, I remember, I sleep again and again… I wake again and again… and I remember again. I’m still here…

    Reply

  • Scott J

    April 16th, 2016 at 4:35 PM

    Shirley,
    Tears were streaming down my face as I read your letter. You put into words what has been on my heart and mind for the past 10 weeks. Why, why, why God did you take my wife? But, never an answer. Why do all of the good folks die and the jerks live on.
    I had dinner with a friend, of 35 years, last night and I mentioned to him how my purpose in life is gone and that I really don’t know how to carry on anymore without Minnie in my life. He got worried that I was suicidal. :) He doesn’t realize it’s only a broken heart. He also doesn’t realize that he is one of the “rocks” that I have been heavily leaning on since Minnie died. I’m sure he knows it, but I should probably still tell him how much he has helped me. It’s another one of those guy things…it’s hard to tell another guy how much his friendship means to me. Hey, I don’t stop and ask for directions either.
    Thanks again Shirley, for puttingdown in words the feelings in my heart.
    Scott J

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  • Jane

    April 17th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    Shirley, your words could have been straight out of my mouth. I recently reluctantly attended a wedding of a very close friend that my husband and I were supposed to attend together. It will be six months since Eddie’s passing next week. She had a beautiful framed photo of Eddie next to the bridal table, and the thought of him being on a photo and not physically present at the wedding with me brought such strong emotions back. The wave of grief that hit me at the wedding is overwhelming and I have cried daily since and feel I have gone back to that tragic Sunday and everything that happened……It is hard to get past it and I just locked myself indoors since I got back a week ago, and only today did I muster the strength to see people. My in laws, his mum and sister visited and it was good to have them here for a few hours and then it was back to the loneliness and emptiness that only Eddie can fill and he will never be able to……..we had no kids, so I am totally consumed by my grief…..I read all the postings and can relate to how you all feel, others who have not experienced loss of a loving spouse cannot understand our predicament and how it changes us. A part of me died with Eddie. I had no plans on my own, we had plans for a future together, and now those plans died with him. I have no desire to travel like we used to, go out and try different restaurants and cuisines, no interest in movies, shopping for non essentials……just living an existence because I feel empty……

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  • Ann

    April 18th, 2016 at 2:20 PM

    Jane, I know exactly how you feel, empty. You took the words right out of my mouth. I feel like the ‘me’ that was went with my husband, I don’t feel like me, I feel I have no substance to me. We are so unprepared for this, the emotions, the hurt, the pain, the emptiness. I just want to give you a big hug, that’s what we all miss, our loved ones supported us and we supported them and now we feel very alone. On this site we all have one another. It has been nearly six months for me too, sometimes it seems longer, sometimes it seems like only yesterday. My thoughts are with you, keep in touch.

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    April 17th, 2016 at 2:25 PM

    Hi Scott, Jane and everyone – when I read your comments just now it made me realize you Scott and Jane must be hurting as much as I am because reading your heartfelt words I’not alone – you understood and felt my emotion and what I was saying and all I wanted to do was to hug you both and cry our tears together because if you are hurting as much as me God Help you I thought my pain was indescribable but you do know- shows it does help to share our feelings and know were not totally alone-were all on the same journey through grief hell… and there’s no return journey for us.

    Scott, Jane, Rich, Jackie, Vivian, Ann, Rebecca, Cathy, Janice and everyone else here (though we may not feel it now) but haven’t we been so incredibly lucky to have experienced true love and this is why right now were in so much mental and physical pain-were so desperate to see our loved ones again, to hear that familiar voice, to feel their bodies next to ours, to be hugged and feel alive again and to be ME again… Me and You again… please God just one more time… please just five minutes so I can at least say Goodbye… please … I’m begging you… please… a minute then please… I didn’t get to say Goodbye.

    Then I realize it will never happen You and Me again – I don’t want to believe – I close my eyes so tight so afraid to open to look towards your favorite chair – but the chair remains empty – you are not there – never again going to be You and me – its just me now and an empty chair… you all know how this feels be it an empty chair, empty side of the bed, empty passenger seat, empty heart and buckets full of tears that I cry to have my love back with me one more time – Life’s a bitch right now and don’t we all know it!!!!!

    Thank you all for being here – though I wish we weren’t – guess you all know what I mean – thinking of you all – take care!

    Reply

  • Ann

    April 18th, 2016 at 2:30 PM

    Shirley, I agree, life’s a b****. It has got me wondering what it’s all about. It’s awful being alone, we are all unprepared for this. It’s like being in the middle of some awful nightmare only this time we can’t wake up! I am sad because I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, my husband’s last words to me were ‘look after yourself’. I didn’t realise then that we wouldn’t speak again to each other. I am so glad too that we are all here to support each other. I am so sorry about the way you feel, about the way we all feel, we must comfort one another, keep in touch.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 19th, 2016 at 4:00 PM

    A person asked me today how was I managing to cope because she knows she would never have been able to if it had happened to her…………………………What I felt like saying to her was -.First…. what ****** choice do I have ……….second…. You have no ****** idea of this living hell I’m in and I don’t call it coping to me its just existing and trying to survive each second of each day the best I can……… so don’t say ‘YOU KNOW’ ……..because until it happens to you-you cannot know………….I don’t know how as my heart is broken – shattered beyond repair……..but yes I’m still here……..not my choice-I don’t want to live this life without Ieu-without him here by my side I have lost my soulmate,my love,my best friend ,my everything- no I’m defnitely not coping as you put it ………..I’m here whoever I am……..I don’t recognise this person I’ve become-lost,angry,bitter,paniky, no confidence,afraid -I’ve become the opposite of who I was when Ieu’s wife-he was MY LIFE=OUR♡LIFE together……..this feels like a living death…………..coping don’t think so-what about you?

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  • Jackie

    April 19th, 2016 at 4:01 PM

    Hi Jane,
    I understand how you feel, Mark and I also didn’t have children. It is like part of me died too. I just really go hour by hour, and think do I live hour by hour for the rest of my life. I know that when you don’t have children you do so much together, we did everything together, tried new restaurants, excited when new stores opened in our smallish city, travelled. Now I see something opening and cry because he isn’t able to see it with me. Such a difficult thing, we try a little every day but it is difficult the worst thing I have ever been through. I don’t really know who I am anymore without my Mark in my life.

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    April 19th, 2016 at 5:00 PM

    dear not coping club, i’m in it too. 26 weeks today steve died. i thought i would do something special…find words to write him…plant something….instead i have worse digestive pain ( may be anxiety??), cancelled passover trip….took forever on phone w airline and trip insurance….and took a nap. trying to get up and scoop cat poop. it’s the least i can do. this is half a year. no idea how i can manage. no idea no idea…..with so many of you suffering this sorrow. if that gives comfort….and i do not know if it does…we sufferers are many. oh but i want the old wonderful normal back, as do we all…..be as well as you can….which is not very, for most of us :.(……

    and we don’t read it in the news but…i am sure people die of this. this pain. i am sure…. nature or self takes people away it has too…loved ones merge and cannot go on alone. some can some can’t. just saying. i think i can’t…..

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 20th, 2016 at 9:34 AM

    Is anyone feeling this ? As I am still working and in a ridiculously stressful job, I haven’t been able to concentrate. Now I am in a full speed ahead type of mode at work, I am a fundraiser/event planner, with a huge event in two weeks. I have to be in the moment right now, and when I am sort of functioning as before for a while, then I have terrible guilt that makes me cry, because I can work. Plus I know I will sink again when I get home or go to leave work. My Mark was part of my event, he worked so hard on it with me as a volunteer, I don’t even know how I will mange that day without him. So many mixed emotions, it is psychologically damaging all the thoughts that I have right now – is anyone else experiencing thoughts that just play over and over . So lonely. I also feel there is not enough I can do to honour his memory, I just don’t know what to do – we don’t have children and I am so worried he will be forgotten.

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  • Rich

    April 20th, 2016 at 11:48 AM

    Jackie:
    I don’t think you will ever forget Mark.
    Janet told me to “quit that stupid job”, which I was financially able to do. While Janet worked for a different company we were able to have lunch together every day. I can’t imagine going back to the office without having the same old routine.
    I went to a GriefShare meeting last night and they said the only way to heal is to experience the pain of an old routine. Suggested you go to your favorite restaurant or shop, go back to work, get rid of her clothes. I question that approach.
    I have Janet’s ashes in the house (will spread them on the property later this year) but I always tell her when I am going someplace and when I’ll be back. Met someone for lunch today and didn’t say good bye to her before I left. Felt guilty and hope that this doesn’t become the norm. She was and still is the most important person in my life. That will never change and I will just have to deal with the emotional aspect of it rather than try to forget her. For me, the sleepless nights, anxiety, and tears are a small price to pay for remembering the joy she brought to my life.

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    April 20th, 2016 at 1:42 PM

    with you jackie. 100%
    even tho i don’t have a paid job…i have work and it’s the same thing. but i am rarely very functional. us too no kids. my big stressful job is to get my husband’s papers to an archive. it makes me sad. but it is about worrying he will be forgotten—so it is the same and different….which is why i say with you 100%.
    it’s 6 months today for me. i hate widowhood and am in love with my late husband :.(…….
    take it easy….can you tell your job you need help and your mark worked so hard????

    b well.

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  • Scott J

    April 20th, 2016 at 3:42 PM

    Jackie, I definitely am experiencing the loneliness you mention. It’s been 11 weeks today since Minnie died and my life ended. My emotions too are all over the board, with lots of thoughts and questions running through my head…some good, others not so much. I never was much of a crier before she died, but I sure am now. I seem to cry at the drop of a hat now too. No matter what I’m doing or who I’m with, I’m still thinking of Minnie and the tears can start flowing at any moment. My concentration is not what it used to be either before she died. I am still doing a few projects around the house, though it takes me a lot longer to do something now because I constantly lose my focus and can’t seem to remember how to do the simplest of tasks.
    I keep hoping that some kind of purpose and normalcy will come back into my life again. People keep telling me that time will heal, but right now, I don’t believe them. Like many of you, I try to keep moving forward and doing “things” just so that I’m busy, yet nothing seems to help. I take lots of walks with our dog, yet it isn’t the same because Minnie would always come with me on our walks. I play a bit of golf, but once again, I have no one to come home to and tell her about my game. All of the little things I used to take for granted have now been taken away.
    How in the world does time heal that?

    Reply

  • pat

    June 5th, 2016 at 2:51 PM

    I get that Scott. Everything seems pointless now as no-one to tell it to.My husband is the only person who truly got me. This is my first night alone overnight since my husband took his final breath on 25/5/16 and it is a living hell.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 20th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    Hi Rich and Rebecca,
    Rich, I am happy you are going to grief share, you do feel better even if it is just for a little while. I know what you mean about saying goodbye, I usually kiss Mark’s picture before I leave the house and when I come in the house. Don’t feel guilty it is in your heart even if you didn’t say good bye, she is in your heart and you carry her with you.
    I have been to a few restaurants that we went to, I went alone and was crying. The waitress asked me where my husband was, I told her and knew she was upset. There is a grocery store that we both liked, but I think he liked it more. I haven’t been able to go back, but I really want to, it is on my list of things I hope I can do. So unreal to me, just can’t believe I am in the world alone. Rebecca, I am going for Passover and will be thinking about you- I don’t want to go, but am going. I will think about you and hope you will be okay. I just need to get through these next two weeks. Thank you so much everyone, happy we connected.

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  • Jackie

    April 20th, 2016 at 4:01 PM

    Scott, I just read your comments, I am sorry I missed it. I truly understand when you said you go golfing and then there is no Minnie to share your game with when you get home. That is the most difficult part, she would know ( and probably does still know), if you did well, the terrible shots, the great drives etc. That they are not physically with us to share our life , is what people who have not experienced this kind of loss don’t understand. I know it is not the same, but maybe you can share these things with us, we need to share them !

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 21st, 2016 at 2:48 PM

    Hi Everyone,I decided today to try and sort through some of Ieu’s belongins -O.M.G. where to start I went from room to room he’s everywhere but of course this is our home -but do I want to get rid of anything yes I know people keep telling me you must ger rid of his stuff in able to move on-but move on to where-this is where we belong-I don’t want his things to go but everyday I’m reminded its time-but what is time anymore-offers of help to make the process easier-how can it be easier getting rid of my hubby’s clothes etc-more pain and the guilt-am I doing the right thing…………..I don’t know help………………
    I’m keeping his favourite jumper well jumpers-I’m keeping his favourite shirt well there are a few -I’m keeping his slippers where he left them-I’m keeping his jacket next to mine-the ‘I’m keeping pile’ getting bigger than ‘the getting rid of pile’-how can I do this today…………I’m not doing a good job-sorry Ieu but what am I supposed to do-yes I need help-my daughters arrive-they take one look-we hug one another and cry-I say let’s do this another day-too painfull today-though deep down I know that the next day we try its going to be harder………..there’s no time limit in grief-there’s no time limit for when to get rid of clothes,belongings etc…………..but when people tell you this stuff you listen look for guidance-you try- but WHY-afterall how could they know what we should be doing in able to move on -they still have their spouses right there next to them………….
    There’s no right or wrong way in grief-I can only do the best I can here without my loved one…………..and the best I could do today was make two piles-one to keep and one to go but to get rid of only when I am ready…………………..doesn’t matter what anyone else says……………………………………
    I’m sitting in Ieu’s favourite chair and cuddle up with his favourite jumper ………..I smell him near………..please I wan’t to remember the happy times ………………….I cannot take anymore of this heartache and pain ……….I used to be so happy…………..this isn’t me ………but how can I be me without you………….what happened to us -I can never go back-Yes I must try and move forward ………but not today I tried but cannot do this……I’m lost,stuck, frozen in time -its just me and your favourite jumper……………..

    Reply

  • Vivian

    April 21st, 2016 at 7:23 PM

    Dear Shirley O,
    I couldn’t have said it better.

    Reply

  • Scott J

    April 22nd, 2016 at 11:46 AM

    Rich, I would also question the advice of getting rid of all of Janet’s clothes, possessions, etc. I’ve had some pretty foolish advice since Minnie died and most of it, I just thank the person, walk away and don’t follow their suggestions. How in the world can someone heal by reliving the hurt over and over again? It makes about as much sense as telling someone who just hit their thumb with a hammer to hit it again, so that you can get over the pain. It makes you wonder where these folks got their training…out of a Cracker Jack’s box?
    As for how difficult it is to go through our spouse’s items, I can definitely relate. Minnie loved her crafts and was always making something new and different, so I had built her a special closet for all of her craft items, which of course she promptly filled. Well my daughter and I started going through it the other day, in an attempt to clean it out, but instead, after looking at everything; we ended up putting it all back in the closet. Maybe in three to five years we’ll be able to go through it and clean it out. We shared a lot of tears going through Minnie’s treasures, yet we had smiles and laughter too.
    Minnie used to write me notes all the time and would leave them by the coffee pot, in the refrigerator, on my desk, my car, etc. Sometimes they would drive me nuts because many times she was reminding me to do something (which I definitely needed), yet now there are no more notes and I sure do miss that. However, today I was going through one of our file drawers looking for something and I came across an email from 15 years ago, that Minnie had written to me and saved. This is the first note from her that I’ve found since she died. It sure brought back a lot of good memories for me. I sure hope I find more notes from her.

    Reply

  • Rich Simon

    April 22nd, 2016 at 2:25 PM

    Scott:
    Despite what the “experts” suggest I have no intention of getting rid of Janet’s stuff. Per her request I am letting her friends have the clothes and other selected personal items. She did not want her wedding ring and certain jewelry to be parted out. We have 12 acres and a backhoe, over the next few years the jewelry and other items are going to be buried so no one will ever find them. Since we do not have children I will be disposing of my personal items in the same manner. Janet and I use to antique quite a bit and it was always sad to see tons of family photos that people were selling for $ 1.00 a box, we didn’t want that happening to us.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 22nd, 2016 at 3:39 PM

    *What I cannot get my head round or believe is that I won’t ever again see Ieu right here next to me ……I won’t ever hear him again…… I won’t ever hold his hand again because if I did WITH WHAT I KNOW NOW I would hold on to him so tightly and never ever let him go……………………I still cannot or don’t want to believe……………….your mind plays tricks you hear familiar sounds………….I look round………………..I still hope and pray I wake up from this nightmare…………….I still find it hard accepting he’s gone forever……………..I think its why I am finding it so hard to get rid of Ieu’s things just incase he comes back………….how mad is that…………………I fel this l madness inside enveloping all my pain,sadness and anger turning the desperation and fear into hope that I will see him again-I even bargain with God and beg- I’m so desperate too see Ieu -I cannot do ‘living’without him………………..how can I move on until I accept he’s gone……………….denial………………..a stage in grief keeping me awake and questioning everything about the way it happened…………I didn’t get to say goodbye-we always did we had our little rituals a hug and a kiss when you leaving then three rings of the phone-our code- to say arrived safely or a text 3 XXX’s -peace of mind…………….this time nothing………..didn’t get to say a final goodbye…………..how does one move on from this……….how can I move on from this……………….I’m still waiting for that call or text…………….I even check just incase…………..madness………insane or sane all feels the same to me …………………I’m broken hearted and missing my love-my everything……………moving on……………….I’ve no idea how to………..I cry……..I try…….I cry……..I try……….I cry ………Iv’e tried……..I cry……….

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    April 22nd, 2016 at 4:06 PM

    *I miss our little rituals-I think you all know what I mean-those little things/ habits became just ours and always we did together-fun and special to us-only we knew what they were and meant-our special language-now gone forever-on occasions I still do-desperate to remember but all is meaningless without Ieu… nothing will never ever be the same again… when you love someone so much and share a lifetime its become the impossible to even think of life here without him/her… sure everyone here feels the same… and also I’m sure you all had your special rituals and language-so special to you… this will make you sad and happy just thinking about yours right now…..

    Reply

  • Scott J

    April 23rd, 2016 at 9:49 AM

    Rich,
    That is an interesting way to disappear Janet’s possessions via a backhoe, something I would have never thought of in a million years. I can relate to your finding the old photos being discarded, as I have photos of my great & great-great grandparents, yet my kids don’t seem to be interested in anything past my parents. Most likely, all of my photos will be in the discard bin once I’m gone too. As for possessions, I’ve noticed that for me, they seem to have less and less meaning as I have gotten older. And now that Minnie is gone, they mean even less, yet, I still can’t even get rid of her clothes. It’s almost laughable.
    I tried to give my daughter Minnie’s jewelry, but she’s not ready to take it yet…I guess it’s still too soon even for her. I hope that she will take it one day, but if she doesn’t I don’t know what I will do with it because I know it won’t mean anything to anyone else…maybe I’ll have to borrow a backhoe…
    Shirley, I too miss all of our special things Minnie & I shared with each other. Meaningless to others, yet so very special to us. I hurt so much sometimes thinking about Minnie that I can barely breathe.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 6th, 2016 at 4:01 AM

    Raul was not much for jewelry except for his wedding ring, college ring and watch. I wear his watch now and wear his wedding ring on a chain. I gave our son his college ring and he treasures it. Raul was not very tall so I gave most of his clothes to my son to save for his boys but I kept the clothes that remind me of him, the shirts he loved and I loved to see him in, the last jacket he wore (he used to get cold often even thought we live in Florida). People may not agree but I don’t care. I like to still feel this is OUR home. Yes, I miss our old haunts but what I miss the most is the closeness, being able to simply reach out and touch him or have him look at me with such love and sweetness. We truly adored each other and couldn’t be together without holding hands or kissing.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 23rd, 2016 at 2:10 PM

    with you shirley. and rich….why not sell valuables and donate the money to some cause to help fight disease or honor your wife? don’t mean to b e judgmental. so tired of people telling me what to do. it’s all too hard. too hard. too hard. i look at the calendar and think…..how long can i do this? it ‘s a jewish holiday now not even supposed to be on here. supposed to be happy….sobbed a good deal. this widow life is not for me. i love my husband steve. with you all……so hard…. :.(…..

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  • Rich S.

    April 23rd, 2016 at 7:18 PM

    Rebecca:
    I have made and continue to make significant (for me) donations to several PC charities along with checks to Sloan (one of which I sent today).
    However, some items that meant so much to us will not be passed on or contributed. I am putting photos, clothes (including Janet’s wedding dress), jewelry and other items into four foot sections of schedule 40 pipes with sealed end caps. They will be buried down at about 10 feet to ensure no one can find them.
    Rich

    Rich

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 24th, 2016 at 10:42 AM

    Rebecca, I hope you made it through the first two days of Passover, I went to the Sedar’s at friends houses and felt like I was underwater, looking on -but I guess I did it even though I didn’t want to go. I just feel so unattached, it is an awful feeling being completely untethered, I am not sure how you move past that feeling. I guess we move the two of us in to one of us and bring our spouses with us. Just that you can’t call them for help or look to them for support is a huge problem for me, it is so empty, my soul just feels empty. Not having the greatest day today, it is sunny and warm and makes me sad that Mark isn’t sharing the day with me. Trying, but not succeeding too well today. Wishing everyone a easier day !

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  • Rebecca

    April 24th, 2016 at 11:40 AM

    rich, amazed you can do what you want with so much …technology and work. happy if it meets your needs.
    i am in a house full of things. i can’t manage to deal with them all. i don’t know what to do. i am feeling panic and weakness. how many of us really feel we can’t go on for long? there are some good moments but i so miss and love and grieve steve………..i don’t know what to do

    rich, glad your actions are what you want.

    all be well ….as we can be.

    i’m working on getting things to an archive. my husband was a peace activist. i don’t know what they won’t want. i don’t want things thrown away. i know how you feel about finding things that are personal in 2nd hand stores

    again…best to all as we suffer …together on here….. and in our own geographies and hearts :.(….

    Reply

  • Carole

    April 24th, 2016 at 5:30 PM

    Its been 6 months for me and I have not done anything with my husbands belongings, clothes etc. His bed ( in a separate room then mine) is still in the manner it was left that last night, I have not made it up. I can’t even imagine giving his clothes to a thrift shop etc and having strangers pick through them and wear them. I did manage to take many of his gun and fishing books up to a gun shop main;y bevause I need the book shelf he kept them all on for my own books now. I thought the gun shop could just put the books on their counter and offer them to customers for free if they wanted them. Better then taking them to Goodwill at least at the gun shop guys there will be interested in them. For now I am just going to let his clothes hang in the closet, or over time box them up and just keep in my storage shed.

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  • Rebecca S. Rosenbaum

    April 24th, 2016 at 8:26 PM

    hi jackie thanks for thinking of me hi carole take your time with the things….take care of emotions first and go slow that’s my opinion…jackie i am so glad i stayed home. a friend came the first night, the one who was going to watch cats when i went away ….i cried lots …wept…..2nd night 2 more friends from out of town came over. they are all blessings. today the 2nd day i was immobilized by grief then i finally went walking. about to write about plagues…will post here after i write it. all these things feel like plagues this year….absence of steve. widow hood. ….much more. it’s too too hard and it hurts. oh i love my love and can only see with tunnel vision back 6 months and want to save his life..want it not to be true…and ahead to being by his side in the ground. it’s torturesome not to be by his side. him not by my side. all days and especially holidays. not clear on how we are to move on….it’s suffering to me….isn’t it suffering??? b as well as you can…good peeps & sufferers. and it’s such a beautiful spring here…so many blooms…if only if only if only if only my beloved were here to share it all…. can’t stop feeling bad, you know? thanks :.(……

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  • Rich Simon

    April 24th, 2016 at 9:12 PM

    Rebecca;
    Somethings I can’t do, like sleep.
    Midnight in NJ and I’m sitting here in the recliner we bought for Janet. I normally was asleep by 9:30 each night. Now, 6 Unisoms later I’m still awake.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. Rosenbaum

    April 24th, 2016 at 10:33 PM

    plagues this passover
    —word paste for beloved steve

    no 40 years wandering in the desert:

    with you, near 36 years

    in rich fertile soil of

    love taking root

    walking working playing

    settling loving——

    to love and be loved

    beloved

    and now comes this

    pesach with new plagues:

    the plague of the absence of you

    this holiday and every day

    the plague of needing no salt water

    – it pours out of my eyes

    the plague of fearing bitterness

    as a permanent condition

    the plague of your sudden death

    the plague of thinking i could have

    saved you could have should have

    if only then this would not be ….

    the plague of can’t stop if only

    if only if only if only hospital

    save him save you be here

    with me keep away

    these plagues

    the plague of invisible

    heart disease

    the plague of it’s too late

    the plague of our ignorance

    beloved steve:

    the plague of discomfort

    being in the world

    without you by my side

    me by your side

    the plague of widowhood

    the plague of grief

    the blessing of love

    turning to madness as it

    has nothing to do but weep

    beloved lover sing to me

    of springtime and the

    song of songs

    behold with me now

    crab apple tree

    may apple flower

    forsythia bush

    red buds tulips daffodils

    virginia blue bells

    all put here

    by us together

    our home

    our path

    our literal back yard path

    made with our feet

    your two my two

    oh love

    a path through blooms

    and you not here

    to walk it with me ……

    the plague of the absence of you

    the plague of the ache in the heart

    of widows and widowers

    oh love

    oh love

    oh love

    the plague of the absence of you

    the blessing of the existence of you

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~c. rsrosenbaum/the widow marsden passover 5776

    Reply

  • Scott J

    April 25th, 2016 at 11:52 AM

    I can’t seem to sleep anymore either. I will stay up until after midnight and then, I usually fall asleep for 20 – 30 minutes. Unfortunately after that, I wake up and then I toss and turn until 4 or 5 in the morning before finally falling asleep for an hour or two. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get a good night’s sleep anymore.
    I feel like I’m slowly dying inside.

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  • Rich

    April 25th, 2016 at 12:59 PM

    Scott:
    Same here. If I ate White Castle burgers I would be making a midnight run every night.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Jackie

    April 25th, 2016 at 1:13 PM

    Hi Rebecca,
    So, so happy that your friend came over on Passover. I am at work getting ready for a huge event that I manage and can’t get out of – it is heading at me like a freight train. This is hard to explain and wonder if anyone understands what I am saying. I feel like because I have to get this work done I am focusing on it. I don’t want to be, I think Mark is somehow watching me and thinking ” are you forgetting about me”, I am not forgetting, I just can’t help but have to work right now on this event. He was such a part of it as well, and he is so missed in my life. I feel that the day his heart stopped beating my life ended as well. I am 55 and don’t know how I will ever have a life again. I go home from work and just stop functioning. I miss him so much that it is eating a hole in my soul. How do you live without a life, I am wondering. Sorry to sound so depressing but I am just not sure how to create another life alone. Scott I understand what you are saying. How do we manage to get better ?

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  • Shirley

    April 25th, 2016 at 2:28 PM

    Hi Jackie-Hope your event at work goes ok and yes it does take more energy out of you mentally and physically-you allready feel drained but some things have got to be done-I had to close down the business so much to do I’ve no idea how I did it was Ieu’s wish if anything happened to him and to concentrate on the most important -our family as life is so precious he would say and he had made sure I was secure etc.I would give everything just to have him back-even bargained with God…………………….I don’t know what else to do……………………..

    Hi all-I am still angry God took Ieu way from me though people say I shouldn’t be thinking this way-easy to say when it hasn’t happened to them-sure they will change their mind when it does………..Yes I’m stii angry…………………why us……………………..why make me and my family suffer…………………what have I ever done wrong to deserve this……………………………………widowhood cripples -made me vunerable-lost and afraid of this life here now -my future without Ieu by my side-we had a future-grow old together-we had plans-our life not this new life that I didn’t ask for and I don’t want-it is the hardest,most gut-wrenching,horrific,life-altering of things to live with………………………yes someone told me -“It was God’s plan”-have any of you had this said to you-What!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to scream his plan to destroy my life-the shock of the way it happened-didn’t even get to say goodbye and why me………………I just don’t understand anyone wanting to say such a thing-wanted me to feel better it didn’t-though I couldn’t feel any worse just added to my confusion and trying to make sense of what happened -certainly down as one of the most stupid things people have said to me ………………………..still makes no sense……………………………
    Death and life have certainly become one………………………

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  • Shirley

    April 25th, 2016 at 2:44 PM

    I haven’t slept properly either tossing and turning mind in overdrive-can stand it anymore get up then back to bed-get up–back to bed-how can I sleep soundly without Ieu by my side-never was a problem before-but saddly got no choice getting used to this no-sleep pattern-another part of this widowhood just somehow getting used to sleeping alone…………………………..

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    April 25th, 2016 at 3:07 PM

    hi y’all . with you. not going to create a new life alone. can’t. same as so many of you. can’t. and we are not going to get better. it’s a myth. maybe some people but…not those of us who write on here.

    barely managed with a friend’s help to get two cats to vet for shots. love my cats.

    the yard is in bloom but steve is not here to see it.

    i can’t take care of the old house we own.it s not a one woman job. one person job.

    everything is ours not mine. our home….. and my mate is not here. so now what. i am out of hope. i think i have been out of hope as soon as i used up my adrenaline on the funeral. steve died 28 weeks ago tomorrow. tuesday morning….usually i spend mondays and tuesdays off line with him but a friend is here to help and i can’t suffocate with no screens….so we will work today and tomorrow. then i will write steve more other days. at least there is an archive here that wants the paper trail of all the work we did in the world. that is what i have to get together. nothing else matters. i need to honor my husband by preserving his works. that’s it. but to stick around to do that while weeping….it’s just too hard. but i am pushing my energy into that one thing…as well as the mundane necessities……are we all in the same boat? it’s sinking isn’t it? all the best….take care good people

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  • Scott J

    April 25th, 2016 at 7:52 PM

    I like the analogy about the sinking boat. I’m sure many of us feel that same way, in that we’re making minor patches to our boat, as best we can, and probably bailing water like crazy…yet we’re still going down.

    Reply

  • Rich S

    April 25th, 2016 at 9:40 PM

    My boat sunk and I’m just holding my breath.

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  • Jackie

    April 26th, 2016 at 8:38 AM

    Hi Everyone,

    You are all going to get sick of hearing from me. Yes, we are bailing water, it is horrible and it feels like nothing any of us have ever experienced. We do need to try because we are still here. I often wonder why I am the one still here, but I guess there is no answer for that. Please, please try a little each day. I know exactly how impossible it is for everyone. With no children and an only child whose parents are gone I am in a terrible situation, so lonely my world just crumbled. We are still alive however and we need to try just a little each day. I love that I have all of you in my life right now, at least we know we are not going completely crazy.

    Reply

  • Molly

    April 26th, 2016 at 8:51 AM

    I got involved in a car accident on the 14 october 2015 with my husband …he died immediatly i survied.We were only married for 6months n no kids.I am 27 years old. Well i have good n bad days but this void that is living inside me its so hard n hurting.Where by i wished I died also,he was my best frnd n all that i needed n prayed for in a man. So all that is gone.I am alone n dont see if life is meaningful now.I wish i can grow to learn n live without him.n

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  • Shirley O

    April 26th, 2016 at 2:04 PM

    Yes my boat also sunk and I can’t swim………………………

    Dear Molly-thinking of you – were all right here for each other-just say how you feel as it helps to share …………

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  • Janice

    April 26th, 2016 at 6:51 PM

    I have been quiet and not writing, but have read every single word each of you has written–I cry for me, for my dear Werner, for all of you. No one knows what this is like except for you and maybe a handful of people around me who have gone through the loss of their spouse. Everything you have written is what I, too, am feeling and thinking. It will now be six months on the 29th–my heart aches, my body aches, I feel empty and joyless and it is worse now as time continues to slip by. I never imagined what this would be like. My entire life and its meaning are gone. I know you’ve heard all this before, but you understand. Spring is unbearable–we also loved our garden, the flowers, the birds, the peacefulness, the awakening of new life and the memories now cause me to cry several times a day. I just cannot help it. There is no solution. There is no help. Everyone expects me to be fine, but I am crying out for my love, my husband, my soulmate and want my life back. It is raining and thundering now–my heart is broken and I am weeping again.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 26th, 2016 at 10:19 PM

    hi good grievers. good grief. #@%!!
    love this sentence of jackie’s: “I love that I have all of you in my life right now, at least we know we are not going completely crazy.”

    i think we are going crazy…grief is a kind of crazy…and i am so happy to know so many of us are the in the same…ooops..boat…vs those who say tough it out buckle up and all that nonsense. this is hard. we will not get better. not as better as we were. with our soul mates. i don’t know how we will each manage or if we each will but all i know is this sucks and i love my husband and it is almost the 36th anniversary (36 years) of the beginning of our relationship (the day after tomorrow) and today is : 27 weeks since he died…and i want a re write of the story but we don’t get one. and i can swim but not in this shark infested water and yeah my boat sunk and ……i was in this love story and now i’m in a tragedy…and i didn’t write the story..and i too hate it when ppl say it was supposed to be…my steve was not supposed to die young— a horrific medical accident happened called cardiac probs and we didn’t recognize the signs –i’ve said this before…i burned up some old check registers and i burn stuff with credit card info ……yet to go thru clothes..working on papers….it’s all too much…..just now one of my kitty cats touched me. they know when i am sad or when i am writing or thinking in an upset way. i loved being in a family of two humans and four cats. i love the cats i love my husband i do not like widowhood no no no i want a re write but @#$%! we don’t get one..bummer…..all be well…it’s gorgeous spring here everything blooming and i can’t share it with my beloved…..this month is harder than winter time when everything was dismal you know? i used to want to live long….my husband had a 100 yr old grandpa…i thought he would live long so i wanted to be with him…but now…i don’t know how long i can last…this stress wears out the body and the mind….which are connected..we all know that….we do the best we can but who knows what that is..we have to make some choices on our own..i hate when people tell me to go out and seek distraction. they don’t get it. you do.THANK YOU! THANK YOU ALL!!!!

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  • Janice

    April 27th, 2016 at 9:07 AM

    “And two shall become one” — we have had half of our existence torn away–it’s like an amputation–we can go on, but we are not who we were and never, ever will be! It is still raining here–does anyone else feel the heavy, physical burden of grieving? To the question of belongings–I have done nothing with Werner’s clothing–that also requires energy and when I break down each time I approach his things, it’s unbearable, Our children live very far away, so all of this is my decision anyway. I am truly alone on this journey, in the home we shared for 40 years of our 47 years together. Why is it SO much harder as time goes on instead of easier? Is it the reality finally setting in that we will never hold them, hear them and be with them in this world ever again?

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  • Scott J

    April 27th, 2016 at 10:17 AM

    Janice, I don’t believe I will ever be whole again. My heart and chest hurt so much, that I can barely breathe at times. If that is the burden of grief, then yes I am experiencing it every day.
    Rebecca, there is longevity in Minnie’s family as well on her mother’s side. Her maternal grandmother was over 97 when she died and her mom is 90 and still living by herself. Unfortunately Minnie only made it to 63. I keep thinking/wishing that it should have been Minnie’s mom who died and not her.
    I had breakfast with my niece, whose husband died three weeks ago, and she is just as lost as we are. We sat, talked and cried for three hours. People are telling her that this is all “God’s plan” or “just move forward and put it behind you” and all those other meaningless platitudes. What a crock!
    I had someone tell me yesterday that they knew what I was going through because they had been divorced. I got mad and told them that they had no clue. Their relationship was severed because they DIDN’T LOVE their spouse AND they pushed their spouse away. They also can still talk or see their ex whenever they choose to. Our spouses were RIPPED away from us.

    Molly, I’m so sorry about your loss. Everyone here understands what you are going through. It can help to write out your thoughts and feelings, because you’ll see when others respond, that you aren’t the only one thinking or feeling the way you do.

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  • pat

    June 5th, 2016 at 3:23 PM

    Scott, just had a message from a friend five minutes ago saying she knows what I am going through as she was divorced. Can’t even reply to that. She has now sent question marks wondering why I am not replying. It’s easier just to communicate with you guys as we are all living in the same hell.

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  • Shirley O

    April 27th, 2016 at 3:14 PM

    Hi friends-hope ok to call you my friends because to me you all feel like the only friends I need right now its just relief to be able to share with people who know and truly understand all I’m going through every emotion even the anger and hate of this grief- we can tell all plus the craziness and madness that exists and overcomes when you least expect it-this as if I or you need to be reminded of why I and were all in this state!!!!!
    Do you feel jealous when you see couples of our age-I do-I’m being honest -I feel jealous I want to scream at them how lucky they are-make the most of it because it all can be taken away in an instant-I know-I’m no jealous monster but who am I now and who have I become-I feel so jealous when couples tell me their plans and what they been doing – how insensative I’m screaming inside -I had plans–I’ll never be able to talk to anyone about ‘our plans’ mean nothing now or talk ever again about what we been doing because Shirley there is no We any more its just Me and grief……….why did this happen to us-us now gone forever-never ever again can I say “We are ……………………………. so hard to believe this and accept- yes I am so jealous when I see couples ……………..and they are everywhere-I notice them more-just reminders everywhere I go……………how do you feel…………………………..does anyone else feel this…………………….feel sad and angry why did it happen to us-why not them-how can I move on I’m still that couple…….No I’m not-yes I am-no I’m not-mad or what…………….sometimes its so hard to explain exactly how I feel and I just cannot get the words out to explain this turmoil going on in my head-but I’m sure someone here will understand what I am trying to say………………

    Reply

  • Rich S

    April 27th, 2016 at 4:17 PM

    Rebecca:
    Over the years Janet would plant daffodils, 100 every year for 16 years and they are all in bloom. So beautiful, too beautiful to share without Janet so I went back in the house.

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    April 27th, 2016 at 4:55 PM

    hey people are we all having a hard day or just me and rich and shirley? immobilized by panic and grief today . got to walk the yard ..the rain stopped..then come in and write off line. feeling like i am flunking widowhood 101 you know? can’t do this. don’t want to be a widow. running out of hope which i didn’t have….no idea how to manage….do not think it will get better……who else has panic as part of the grief? does it glue you to your bed for hours? how to manage….be well grievers…what a sorrowful club we are. and i hate that other ppl tell me to volunteer….ppl who do not understand think i am self centered in my grief….but i am suffering and can barely manage…am not in shape to help others now. you know? you know. sigh. again…..b as well as you can…….take care. widowhood sucks. i love Steve
    :.(….

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  • Jackie

    April 28th, 2016 at 8:18 AM

    Hi Rebecca, Rich, Shirley and Molly, – don’t want to exclude anyone else reading – everyone !
    Scott I read what you said and I also have a person who was explaining her divorce to me and how it was similar. Really they don’t have a clue, it is not the same. If at some point they worked it out, wanted to be friends etc., their spouse is still alive. Molly, I am so , so sorry for your tragedy, there really are no words, I am happy you found this site. All of you, this is so difficult . Because I have this extremely busy work event this weekend actually 3 in 3 different cities that I am managing, I just hope I haven’t messed up organizing it these past 6 months as my mind has not been in it at all. I keep making mistakes. So hard being the one left behind. My house is so quiet, everything is as it was 7 months ago. We were so in tune with each other, I still feel that he is with me seeing me and hearing my thoughts, that he is still thinking. I just want him to know I miss him – I hope all of our spouses know how much they are missed and loved.

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  • Rich

    April 28th, 2016 at 11:36 AM

    Jackie:
    They know. That’s what keeps me going.
    Rich

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  • Janice

    April 28th, 2016 at 1:50 PM

    Hi, Jackie, Rich and Everyone–yes, they are there with us. I have to feel and know that Werner is with me every second of the day. I also get some small comfort, however, when I do things that he once managed, knowing he would be smiling to see it! I took the lawn mower in today for repair, had the oil changed on the pickup, paid the bills, etc. Rebecca, I have frequent bouts of panic and anxiety–especially when I wake up at 3 a.m. and can’t breath and the surge of tears won’t stop. Your poem/post of April 24th was beautiful, by the way. Shirley, I resent seeing couples lately as well–and now I’m noticing that people are starting to ignore me or look distant when I mention my husband in conversation and I sense their discomfort. It’s the most natural thing in the world to talk about him and they don’t get it. Sorry, I’m just rambling on again–but there is such solace and comfort knowing people I have never met understand more than those around me, friends and family. Thank You!

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  • Shirley

    April 28th, 2016 at 3:39 PM

    Hi everyone-yes Rebecca panic attacks do immobalise you-I have them during the night I suddenly wake up would frantically feel around the other side of the bed then the realisation was cold and empt I was alone the fear and total panic my heart beating so fast I just want to get away from here and run from this agonising pain of grief but I’m frozen in fear-takes so much out of me-I feel exhausted and drained of life-our hearts used to beat as one in harmony with no pain but now my heart is broken without you beats out of control the pain unbearable -panic attacks have become the norm………….used to them now -I think if I die we shall be together again………………….Ieu♡Shirl………………..
    A neighbour called to see me today she gave me a hug then said she knew what I was going through and how it felt………I asked her what had happened………….she said her husband was away golfing for the week and she was home alone and the night-time was the worst just awfull isn’t it-how was I managing to cope as she was finding it so hard……………………….O.M.G. she has no f*******!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!idea……………………….though I didn’t swear at her maybe I should have…………….I just told her she should count herself lucky her husband was coming back home…………I’ll never see mine again and said I had somewhere to go………………….I just drove to nowhere-there is nowhere I want to go -places to go and see don’t appeal or matter to me any more……………..I haven’t got my love by my side………….we even did the shopping together……….everything together………..now nothing…………..there is no together anymore………………..I drive home…………………as I pass my visiting neighbour’s house I see her husband arriving home………….bad timing for me and just another reminder what I’ve lost…………..she’s lucky as she’s got no idea what I’m going through………………..just as I had no idea before it happened to me………………….yes Scott I agree people have said the most stupid things they make you so mad …………..its no wonder sometimes I cannot help but f****** swear………… who cares anyway………..I don’t anymore…………..
    One thing I am glad that Ieu never had to go through this-feel the mental and physical pain I’m in-he always said he hoped he’d go before me as he would never cope without me……………….I wished we would have gone together……..this pain is too much for me…………………..how am I going to cope…………………💔!!!!!
    Jackie all the best with your events @ work I’m sure Mark would have been so proud of what you’ve achieved and managed to have done-all this while going through such heartache and pain-we are all proud-If only I had a little of your strengthX

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  • Jackie

    April 28th, 2016 at 3:42 PM

    Hi Rich,
    I hope so, I am having such a hard time and it will be even harder this weekend. I don’t want to say what I do here, but I manage very large national fundraising events. A very difficult, detail orientated job and I have made so many mistakes the past 6 months because I can’t concentrate. Mark was with me through the whole thing helping, supporting, hearing me cry, complain, scream when things went wrong. Now it is this weekend and I cannot believe I will be there alone with what could be thousands of people and on the phone with 3 other cities. I just hope I remembered the important things, because this has just been impossible. Thank you everyone for all of your support, I am going to be thinking about all of you on Sunday. They are with us, you are right Rich, we would be with them.

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  • Francisca

    April 28th, 2016 at 6:36 PM

    Rebecca, we are all having hard times. Janice, I feel the same way too. All the stories each of you shared here, I keep nodding and saying yes, I am experiencing exactly the same. I acknowledge every single stories. Why we still here and sort of able to go through days … I think basic human skill, survival. It is on our DNA … maybe … I don’t know. I feel so much responsibility to take care of my husband (through what he left behind) I can only wish and hoping, even believe, he will come back for me. I am thankful during this times my mom stays with me. Lonely nights, missing him so much … can’t be replaced even with her presence but I knew it helps with my mentality. I can’t put her through what I had gone through.
    Jackie, be brave, 2 more days … it will be over soon than you can take time to tend for yourself and him. Just like Shirley said, you have an amazing strength to care about others despite your heart break.
    Rich, hugs … I love hearing stories about you two. So so romantic. Thank you for sharing all the lovely memories
    hugs to you all

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  • Fee

    April 28th, 2016 at 7:28 PM

    I just came across this site tonight and will try to write in the future. I lost my has been almost a year and a half ago and still feel the pain. Married 45 years and he died suddenly. I’m so glad to have my dog with me but still it’s very lonely especially on weekends I walk around the house don’t know what to do with myself . I try to keep busy with different activities but weekends are so bad. And I read as I read before some of your comments I too felt like not going to Passover but a friend invited me and I finally went and did OK. I have no family here I have some good friends and my daughter moved in for A while but she is not here most of the time. I found the nerve to travel by myself to visit my sister-in-law in Chicago which is a four hour trip I keep saying to myself that I should go but I just don’t.

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  • Scott J

    April 28th, 2016 at 7:59 PM

    Shirley, I’m not coping, I’m just doing what I have to do in order to get through the day.
    My hat is off to you in that you are still able to work. I don’t how I would have managed if I had still been working when Minnie died.
    Tonight I attempted to change the status on my Facebook page to “widowed” but I couldn’t do it. Can’t even manage a simple task.

    Reply

  • Karen

    April 29th, 2016 at 6:53 AM

    Hello I’ve just come on this site I lost my sweetheart just on 18months now and I can tell you that time doesn’t make it easier I cry still and the loneliness is so cruel to deal with there is no more joy to be had at least that’s how I feel I’m on antidepressants and I don’t even think they take the edge of this pain we are all going through I tell myself when I awake yes one more day closer to him hope there’s not to many to come I miss and will always love you sweetheart but you already know that so please try people just a day at a time I’m with each and everyone of you all my love karen

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  • Jackie

    April 29th, 2016 at 7:53 AM

    Hi Fee,
    I am happy that you found this site, not happy for the reason but it does help to connect with others in the same situation. A place none of want to be, the club no one wants to join. My husband also died suddenly, we were married for almost 35 years. He had a heart condition for many years, but you are never expecting this, you think it but when it happens it is just horrific. I too feel the weekends are just so terribly sad and lonely. I start getting anxiety on Friday knowing that Saturday is coming. Mark and I used to do everything together, Saturday was shopping, going for lunch somewhere, maybe dinner -a movie and now it is like my life has been thrown away, it is unrecognizable, I am frozen in time really. Almost like my life ended as well, but I am still here, he was ripped away from me. I hate to repeat this for those that already know – I am an only child without children, and my parents are no longer living. I do have many friends, and extended family but it is so lonely. I as well went for Passover, the first night to a friend’s that we had not been as a couple and the second to where we alternate years. I thought it would be horrible but it wasn’t as bad as I thought, just really empty – I felt like I was looking at someone’s else’s unrecognizable life. I am happy you have your daughter, even if it is just for a bit of time. We have banded together here, I think we all feel we are just surviving, So difficult and sad, a heart break that you can’t describe to anyone else. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Reply

  • Janice

    April 29th, 2016 at 9:15 AM

    Scott, in my heart and mind, I am still married–a long and happy 46 years. Who cares about Facebook? It’s none of their business unless you want it to be! Today is another milestone–six months since my husband’s sudden and unexpected death and I am choosing to stay home–cannot bear the mindless chitchat of people, who have idea of the pain and sorrow I’m experiencing. There aren’t enough words to describe how much I miss my husband–and like you all, I am just ambling along, doing the basics, but feeling completely empty of joy and it just gets worse with each passing day!

    Reply

  • Janice

    April 29th, 2016 at 10:08 AM

    I just scrolled back through all the posts from this site and am copying part of a post from someone named Katie on January 2nd, 2016 : it is beautiful and speaks to what I would now like to apply to my own life — “I do as much good as I can to get merit for my husband. I work as hard as I can to become a good person in his image. I try to enlighten myself as much as possible and work for the highest good of all in order to secure merit to protect my husband’s spirit and mind and body forever” In other words, I will spend every minute with him by my side, with him in mind and with the deep understanding that LOVE is what will carry us through the rest of our journey, even though they are not with us physically. Yes, the pain and tears will continue, but will soften–I now know that he would want me to carry on, as difficult as it has been. Wishing you all peace and love…

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  • Jackie

    April 29th, 2016 at 1:14 PM

    Thank you Francisca and Shirley for your kind words – I hope we all get through the weekend.

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  • Shirley O.

    April 29th, 2016 at 2:47 PM

    Hi everyone- Scott don’t be hard on yourself you are doing the best you can never mind about changing your Facebook status today there’s always tommorrow-I’m not coping either some days I don’t know how I managed to get through the day but still here lost and afraid of facing a future without Ieu-were all here together-helping each other-sharing our stories-just saying what’s on our mind-somehow we will learn to live in this life now without our loved one’s-we’ve no choice to walk hand in hand with this grief and accept what’s happened-that’s the difficult part accepting and try to move on-I still haven’t yet and don’t know if I can I’m trying but how?????
    The birds sing,the sun shines,the plants start to come alive but nothing changes the way I feel-I feel so sad my hubby is not here to share all this with me…………….I go back inside and I cry…………….our garden still looks the same-dosen’t feel the same out here anymore feels sad-our swing…….I sit but no I can’t do this today…………I go back inside I hope soon I can sit on our swing and smile and remember how we created this garden together from scratch……..the planning-the laughter-the excitment-the joy even when getting things so wrong but together we made it right………I want to feel us in our garden again-right now the grief the pain is so intense it masks everything- I pray and hope that soon or the next time I come out into our garden that it won’t feel sad anymore…………………………..

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 29th, 2016 at 9:26 PM

    hi nice people, this is such a comforting and understanding on line place….tho we all need more than any site can give. i am peeking on here before trying to chill…trying to stave off the weekend blues….no idea how i will manage to go on…i feel i cannot exist without steve. i have a list of what to do that must be done…but now…or i should say increasingly….i wish i could find someone i trusted and hire it all done and check out of life. i love my husband more than life and i do love life…i do not like life without him and am feeling i can’t go on. i don’t believe it will get better, based on so much…now i am 28 weeks and 3 days bereaved and still in love and in shock and want nothing but for time to go back….to where we were in life and love….other ppl are starting to treat me like i am so self centered…can’t you move on and care about something else….but i am stuck in this sadness this grief this fear and cannot imagine going on without my love. i go to sites on line where they sell stuff that will do you in then i get scared…not ready for that…but can’t be here in this realm with out my soul mate for too long…it is too painful and i feel so unproductive. like i spread bad sad vibes and whine all day you know? at least my cats cuddle up to me and purr…they know how i feel…but i want my husband back, that is all. though it is impossible…he was healthy we thought and had a sudden death….he didn’t suffer and i am glad but now i suffer and i can’t handle it. can’t go on like this….others of you feel like that..oh sigh what to do……..???? really can’t go on with this load of grief and love and sadness….and i am not a good hermit but i am not ready to see anyone but my love…totally flunking widowhood imho you know? :.(…..
    buckets of tears is all i am good for. and then to try to remember to hydrate since tears are water……
    :.(…..

    how are the rest of you? such tough stuff we are doing. the hardest thing. one of the hardest things. but i think if it does’t get better i should have an exit plan to quit sharing the misery……..bad thoughts but true….. hope you are doing better than am i….

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  • Rich

    April 30th, 2016 at 2:49 PM

    Rebecca:
    Don’t know what it is but the last two days have been very hard. Filled out Janet’s birthday card (5/11) and put it in the mailbox by the woodshed. Janet’s cat (poodles) birthday is tomorrow so I filled out a card for her and signed it Mommy and Daddy. She is 11 and still can’t read. My nephew (22yo), the one with the PC is into his second month of chemo, he called to remind me that his birthday is also Sunday and can we g to lunch? But of course!! So hopefully Sunday will be filled. Janet’s workplace is planning a dedication of sorts at her job next week so I will go.
    Rich

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  • Shirley O.

    April 30th, 2016 at 3:11 PM

    Hi Rebecca all I want to do right now is give you the biggest hug and plead with you don’t ever again visit such sites as those you mentioned-yes this is your hardest journey alone ever but every second,every minute,every hour,day your here your Steve will live on in you and when you are feeling so low you think you cannot go on any more just breathe,take one breath at a time,close your eyes tightly hug Steve’s clothing like your life depends on it and cry,swear,shout,scream or just dream-think of what made Steve laugh,what made him angry,think of your first date……..please give this a try-that’ts what I do when everything gets toooooooooooooo much but please,please don’t ever visit those sites again…………………………..
    Hi Everyone-today I was looking for some paperwork in a storage cupboard and out dropped a book-I picked it up and on the open page was *this poem ………………..has really made me wonder about weird things happening for a reason and the timing of occurence -been on my mind all day -I do so want to believe ….but then again how can I not believe as it did happen………….just as before when I smelt Ieu’s aftershave as if he was standing right there next to me and another time heard the familiar sound of his key in the door and there have been many other strange things have happened all such a great comfort to me just as is what happened today has made me stop and think……………….maybe this *poem will be a comfort to you hence why I would like to share with you all…………………..
    When I must leave you….. by Helen Steiner Rice
    When I must leave you
    for a little while,
    Please do not grieve
    and shed wild tears
    And hug your sorrow
    to you through the years,
    But start out bravely
    with a gallant smile;
    And for my sake
    and in my name
    Live on and do
    all things the same,
    Feed not your loneliness
    on empty days,
    But fill each waking hour
    in useful ways,
    Reach out your hand
    in comfort and in cheer
    And I in turn will comfort you
    and hold you near;
    And never,never
    be afraid to die,
    For I am waiting
    for you in the sky!
    Anyway this *poem has really made me stop and think today-tomorrow who knows……………what about you…………….
    Jackie-hope everything went better than you expected and you’ll have some me time now to rest and reflect .

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  • Scott J

    April 30th, 2016 at 6:36 PM

    Rebecca,
    I would think most of us here have had the thought that it would be easier to just die and be with our spouse, than to struggle through this hell we are now facing, though most probably aren’t considering committing suicide.
    I’m no therapist, nor is it my place to tell you what to do, although I do think it might be beneficial for you to talk with someone, either via phone or in person to help you with these feelings. I know what you mean about SOME people (not all) not wanting to listen to us as we work through our grief, but there are some who do care. I know for me, it helps a lot to be able to talk with and/or to someone about how I’m feeling. If you have no one close anymore who you can share with, maybe you could reach out to a rabbi (I believe your Jewish) or even a therapist. I have a friend who spends $130/hour to talk to a therapist every few weeks, but he says it does wonders for him to be able to share with someone who doesn’t judge him.
    This board can be helpful, but it’s not the same as having a real person listening to you.
    You can always reach out to one of us. I know I would be willing to listen if you need/want someone to talk to/with.
    Don’t try to go through this all on your own, because you won’t be able to.

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  • Janice

    April 30th, 2016 at 7:09 PM

    Rebecca–your writing describes me as well. Even though I had a couple of good days and decided to take a new approach, it all went out the window today–I think I need help and I really don’t know where to turn. GriefShare is fine, but doesn’t teach you to learn to cope with this loneliness. I don’t know how to do this! Living alone without Werner is sheer agony and I am a terrible mess tonight. The feeling of emptiness is enormous and I honestly don’t know how I can go on–it’s worse than ever and my heart is breaking. Crying and more crying and I cannot pull myself out of this. If this is how I will feel for the rest of my life, I truly do not want to be here. Thanks for listening.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 30th, 2016 at 7:51 PM

    good luck everybody this may eve. it is so hard.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 30th, 2016 at 10:51 PM

    hi good people you are all quite wonderfully supportive. thank you. i actually go to a grief therapist once in a while here and there is a rabbi/ grief therapist i talk w on the phone and i tried a bit of individual counseling but nothing helps….i want steve back and have a broken heart as you do and know about…..i am writing the story of steve and i just had to stop. for this night. my husband was a convicted felon for not going to vietnam and a peace activist and i am writing his story but half the time i am writing i love you i miss you and i have written so many pages about my own grief. it is now 6 months and 10 days. these few days have been the anniversary of the beginning of our relationship 36 years ago. i am 65 now. i am so lost….when i read about people grieving for years and years i feel why go on…..i don’t know — i am obligated to get steve’s papers and what i am writing to supplement them to an archive…..library special collections here in iowa city. i will hang in and do the job but i cry and want him to be here to tell the story and it is work….hard work……and i sometimes think i will just die of grief. people do. i have some physical problems…digestive..that have come from stress. i don’t want a new partner i want my love alive and i can’t have what i want…we all know how that feels. thank you all. i find more help from this group than from the counsellors. they don’t know..they haven’t had our horrible experience. i am in misery. i really don’t know. how to manage this. i am in love with a dead man and…..you all understand. thank you. i do like to talk on the phone as well as to write. now this group helps me lots. i feel like i am burning out my few friends who are like, why aren’t you out being an activist its half a year already…you know. this week i have managed to try and steer the writing more to the actual story of steve and me and what we did and just finished writing about how we met. it will be a manuscript in an archive if nothing else. it is what i have to do so as much as i want to check out of this world….i am obligated to do this work. i am working for my husband. and the house i live in is an old house..i can’t do the work of it alone…it is OUR house….and steve’s important stuff is mixed in with recycle junk…we have been too busy for too many years. just before his sudden death we were talking about de cluttering and the archivist already was interested in him…for almost a year!..he didn’t have to die to get in the archives at the university of iowa. like everyone else i am having trouble living with a broken heart. janice says what i write goes for her and what she just wrote goes for me. it’s so so so so hard. i do not know how people manage. i am glad i have kitty cats beside me but ….i want my husband so much….you all know. i am glad we can help one another on here. it is goofy to be pacifist and since steve’s death to think about suicide so much…..i think i am so mixed up now that example of what is right and wrong changing..that shows i am really a mess. i have to get my will in order to make sure …and since my husband had a sudden death i think well it could happen to me….i have to make sure i have a lawyer get it down that this house is not to be sold without all important papers getting to archives. it’s a job steve and i were going to do together. i have bits of help and know i have to hire some more even though i have not much money …it’s the first priority. it and functioning.( sort of functioning)…. i used to want to live long. i thought steve would and i thought we would have wonderful retired years. now i have tears tears tears. like janice says thanks for listening. i do not want things to be as they are….i can’t accept it….you know. you know. thank you…….may flowers make me so sad….i want to share them with my beloved…… all be well as you can…thanks thanks

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    April 30th, 2016 at 11:05 PM

    & after writing all that and going to Facebook and back it boils down to…right now i really feel: how long can i go on without him? you know? you know. thanks again. for being there. :.(………..

    Reply

  • Lynne

    May 1st, 2016 at 11:59 AM

    I lost my partner 3 days after Christmas 2015 very suddenly and there’s no cause of death, a post mortem has revealed nothing and an inquest is having to be held. I’ve been coping better than I thought I would, but this last month it’s been absolutely terrible, I cry all the time, and miss him so much. I don’t care what happens to me, I constantly cling to the good memories we had together and can’t imagine moving on without him. Sadly 2 weeks before he died we separated, we were both going through very stressful times and we didn’t live together, we lived at opposite ends of the country and it had an impact. We were going to talk in the New Year about how we could get back together. I will always feel guilty about this, I’m so upset and cry, and cry and cry for him. I wish he was here, my life doesn’t feel worth living. I had a good support network to start with (no one lives particularly local except my Dad) but since then, no one rings me, I think everyone expects me to have moved on by now and no one seems to want to talk about it. I did try grief counselling (one session) but I just cried all the way through, it was awful. We’d been together for 12 years. I’m in my final year at university and quite honestly I don’t care what happens, I just wish I could join my partner. I don’t particularly want further counselling as it affects my studying as I’m so upset all the time. I was taking anti-depressants for other issues from my childhood but came off them a month ago, as I felt I wasn’t grieving properly, they made me emotional less. I’m 44 years old, I’ve lost so much confidence about going out but I’m trying, just getting through each day seems a major achievement. Please tell me I’m not alone feeling like this

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  • Bonny

    May 1st, 2016 at 4:59 PM

    why did you not respond to me

    Reply

  • Janice

    May 1st, 2016 at 6:39 PM

    Dear friends, it is Sunday night–the day was full–a Greek orthodox Easter dinner at a friend’s house where quite a few people knew my husband. They were kind and caring. But now I’m home and feeling overwhelmed with feelings of utter despair. Haven’t stopped crying since I walked in the door and I feel like I am absolutely and totally losing my mind. The physical longing for him to be present and the sense of incompleteness of my being are just eating me up inside. I read that grieving a sudden and unexpected death is more complicated–maybe that’s what’s happening here. WHY is this all getting worse?? Thinking of all of you as you finish out the “weekend” — the worst time of the week in my opinion!

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 1st, 2016 at 8:54 PM

    lynne you are not alone. with you. hi everybody. yes. janice. yes. yes. sudden and unexpected death =horrible …yes loosing my mind too yes yes yes. all be well. what we are going through sucks. lovely spring =poignant sadness….hard times. thanks you all. yes. hope monday is better but….??? :.(……..

    you all being there and writing this helps. there is no cure for this broken heartedness. but this drop helps. thank you

    Reply

  • Jackie

    May 2nd, 2016 at 1:31 PM

    Hi Janice and everyone,
    Janice I relate so well to the weekends, they are horrible for me and I start getting anxiety starting on Thursday, I still work so I have something to do during the week. Still there is no comfort for me now, no “safe place”, no feeling like at least I can go home and feel better. Our spouses provided so much comfort they didn’t have to do anything, just that they were there. I feel like 1/2 of me is missing and the other half just barely exists, just awful. I do feel like I am going crazy too. I talk to Mark and then know what he would say as an answer to a question, I actually answer the question as he would and it gives me a moment of peace. Well if you talk and answer youself I think that is a sign of crazy. Can’t help it that is where I am right now. It is such a broken hearted empty alone feeling.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    May 2nd, 2016 at 1:48 PM

    Hi-Yes Lynne I lost my love suddenly was an unexpected death everything was as normal- then he died in front of me of a massive heart attack-was instant-I learnt afterwards its called the Widow’s friend.The shock never leaves you its unbelivable how it happened in an instant no warning nothing,just cannot accept it-I’m devastated its no wonder I’m the way I am heartbroken- lost my love-my life-my everything and the pain just gets worse…………………………..
    *Has anyone here thought of seeing a Medium…………………someone suggested it……………………..of course I’m desperate to have any connection with my hubby……………………………..but I’m afraid also what if there wasn’t a sign- I don’t know what to think………….my mind is racing in turmoil should I or shouldn’t I-do I beleive or don’t I-what do you think…………………….
    Rich-thinking of you @ Janet’s dedication-will be such a tuff day but will be so comforting knowing so many people thought the world of your Janet-you will feel warm,proud,happy and sad-all these feelings rolled into one but please take care when you get back home alone as the events of the day will hit you emotionally as you will be so exhausted and drained will be hard-I know how I felt-its the price I had to pay to have been married to a very special person-that day and findng out was not just me and family who loved him but everybody else too…………………… thinking of you!

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  • Shirley

    May 2nd, 2016 at 5:09 PM

    Hello everyone, I lost my husband Willie 3 months ago to what the doctor called a very ugly cancer . It progressed so fast that I was in shock watching his body go through things that I want to forget. My husband was the love of my life for 36 years . he was the kindest person that I have ever met and the only person who accepted me for who I am. He took care of me and even drove me back and forth to work every day. We did everything together and spent every single minute of the day together. We were inseparable and now that he is gone I am overwhelmed with wanting him. I cry every single day and I speak to him all the time. I have had to stop working because my grief is to debilitating. I am so sad and wracked with guilt about not being more assertive with the doctors . I feel that I should have insisted that they gave him a cat scan instead of just the x-rays that they took and then told me that there was nothing wrong with his lung. Everyone tells me that I did the best that I could because I’m not a doctor and I believed the doctor when he told me that the pain was probably muscle spasms. I am just so empty and I feel as if I am going crazy with the grief of losing my husband and also thinking that if I had acted differently I might have saved him. I am so tired every day and I have gone from being a size 12 to being a size 6 even though I am eating again I can’t seem to put the weight back on and I look terrible. I just want to know that this horrible feeling will eventually go away. I’m not suicidal but I wish it were me instead of him. I can’t bear thinking of the future without my soul mate and best friend by my side.I am in a bereavement group and it doesn’t help me that much but I will continue going. I just want to turn back the clock and wake up and find out this was just some nightmare. I miss him so much that it physically hurts. I don’t know if this will get better because it seems to be getting worse. I want to know that it will get better so can someone please tell me that it will. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life in this much pain. God gave me an angel and then he played a dirty trick on me and took him back and I don’t know why

    Reply

  • Rich

    May 3rd, 2016 at 6:53 AM

    Shirley O:
    Still not sure if I am going to Janet’s work Memorial/Tree Dedication. Just like all of you this has been so so difficult. I try to be busy and work on projects but it does not change or help the reality that Janet is not here. I don’t see how this can continue for and extended amount of time.

    Rich

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  • Scott J

    May 3rd, 2016 at 7:27 AM

    Shirley, I know exactly what you mean about the guilt you have and the thinking on how you should have pushed the doctors more, so that would have cured your husband. For three months the doctors thought my wife, Minnie, had pneumonia along with atrial fibrillation, so they were mostly focused on the pneumonia. To the doctors, the atrial fibrillation was minor so their main focus was on the pneumonia. Unfortunately as they focused on the pneumonia, her heart became weaker and weaker.
    Up until a few days before she died, the doctors kept telling us she was going to be just fine and then it was…oops sorry, guess what…she doesn’t have pneumonia after all, but instead her heart has now failed and there is nothing we can do. She’s going to die. That had to be the worst news I’ve ever experienced.
    In hindsight it is easy for me to look back and see that I should have pushed the doctors to focus more on her heart, but at the time I trusted them to be doing what was best for Minnie. I also have a lot of guilt from all of the “what if I had done this or that” going through my head right now. So much, that at times I too think I’m going crazy, but I know I can’t change anything in the past and I have to let it go or IT WILL make me go insane.
    It is 90 days today since Minnie died. We were together for 41 ½ years and married for over 40 of those years. Now I am all alone and am completely lost. I too have lost quite a bit of weight, and at times I don’t think the pain in my chest from my broken heart is ever going to go away. I also have a lot of hate in my heart for God right now because I can’t understand how a “loving God” would want to inflict so much pain on me by taking my wife. Will the pain go away…I really don’t know.

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  • Jackie

    May 3rd, 2016 at 9:25 AM

    Hi,
    I am finding it so difficult that I don’t have anyone to share my everyday life with, ups and downs, funny things , just everything really. You discover new losses all the time, the emptiness is a horrible numbing silence. I am here but without Mark I feel I don’t really exist. Very hard to explain, just trying to get through each day of nothingless, and no joy is so hard.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    May 3rd, 2016 at 2:36 PM

    *Just noticed there are two Shirley’s on this site now:-from today I will also end my posting with Shirley O so as not to confuse!!
    (Me-Shirley O- was married to Ieu for 40yrs -love of my life he died suddenly from a massive heart attack -I have been on this site a couple of months now!)

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    May 3rd, 2016 at 3:29 PM

    Shirley O……………Hi I also have this continous pain in my heart and a feeling of such heavy weights on my shoulders -everything has become such an effort and its so exhausting trying to cope with daily living I feel drained and tired all the time suppose all these are symptoms of a broken heart-my GP. said its normal for me to feel like this- the intense grief I’m experiencing and the shock of an unexpected sudden death-post traumatic stress- maybe I should accept a little help- she offered to subscribe a low dose of Cytalopram-has anyone one of you taken this medication to help …….please let me know if you have and your thoughts-as right now I’m afraid to take more medication………G.P. said I was brave -I don’t feel brave-had no choice-really I’m a coward terrified of this grief cowering away I cannot face it and the fear what happens next-every choice I have done since I was 15yrs was with Ieu by my side-I felt so happy and safe with him next to me-living and loving life……………………..cruelly in an instant taken away …….more cruel left me behind……………………we always did everything together……………..everyday it eats me up the anger why……why God……………..why………………how can I move forward…………….I don’t want to…………..my heart is broken……..I mourn him more each day………..time is no healer………………don’t ask me to move on when I’m stuck so lost without my love………..every second of everyday the pain of seperation gets worse……….how can it get better……..I just know it can’t yes life goes on with or without you………………………………..if was my choice we would have gone together………………….was God’s choice he went alone…………….and now I’m heartbroken and alone…………….but why?……………….yes I’m so soooo angry………………….how can I do this alone………………..?………??………..???

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  • Janice

    May 4th, 2016 at 5:54 AM

    Jackie, your phrase “a horrible numbing silence” speaks to all of us–I just got up to let the cats out (only two, Rebecca!)–and the springtime beauty outdoors only serves to deepen my loss. We are all at varying degrees of our loss, but I am struck at the intense grieving by those at one year, two years and longer. Scott, the regrets and “should haves” are universal–I am slowly ridding myself of those thoughts–but it’s not easy. I still think each day of things I wish I had told him and now it’s all over. Death is so brutally final.

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  • Rebecca S.

    May 4th, 2016 at 11:26 PM

    hi everybody. just came over… 1 am now…..to see if anyone else is sadder than sad and of course we all are…
    today i went to the monument company. finessing the design for the stone. that will be carved and go over the grave….it is one double wide stone for us both, and will be there for me too when the universe is ready for my body to be beside where my love is planted. i was kind of proud of myself for getting up and going this morn to get to the mtg with the stone sellers. ..but such a sad mission. a labor for my love but i am sure steve would like it better to be alive with me and i could buy him a new computer instead of a hunk of vermont granite… but this is the offering i had to work on today. for him. a design to be carved in stone…..i wish and wish he were with me in most moments. i’m finally cooking beans from scratch after being unable to cook and buying frozen bean burgers…… lazy and a waste of money….shirley i too have lost weight…i don’t care how i look…i like that i am thinner…i just want my love to be alive and wrap his arms around me and squeeze me and feel my bones. i do worry that my digestion and appetite don’t seem right. i will see my good doctor in a few weeks. she is keeping an eye on me. hope you all see your docs too…we are all at risk for illness because of the mind body connection. i made it through the day and got some stuff done….in addition to the monument…but the evening brought this sadder than sad feeling…which is always some where in me…you all know. and have it too. but i don’t understand how we are to go on with it. did anyone see the picture of a sculpture that was going around Facebook? a scupture of grief. a figure bent over, and made of wire or something, and full of rocks inside…so heavy. we carry a load. oh if grief is the price of love….my beloved is worth this suffering…..but i had no clue til 28 weeks and almost 2 days ago that the payment would be due so soon :.(…
    thought we would have many years. we all thought that. well be well as you can … good to read how everyone is doing. solidarity in suffering? is that what we can say? widower/widowhood sucks. the love in me for steve….is big…and the absence of him is so huge it’s like ……….that horrible hole in the soul…… take care, all……. here lilies of the valley bloom and smell sweet….i am going to move some from my yard to the grave…….. so sad/ b well

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  • Rebecca S.

    May 4th, 2016 at 11:34 PM

    hey me again to ask…we are on line so…anyone know how to get into the e mail of the beloved if you’ve (i’ve!) messed up and changed and forgotten his password? hoping to find the scrap of paper on which i noted what i did….or to see if i can mess with his computer that is older than this one…..hope to break into his g mail…managed to do it weeks ago..or was that months ago? probably months… but now…dunno. dunno if anyone gets help with retrieval of beloved spouse’s info…anyone, ideas? thanks. you would be the ppl to ask. thanks. cats purr here, ciao and MIAO

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  • SHIRLEY

    May 5th, 2016 at 10:26 AM

    HI Rebecca,
    I have also been accessing anthing that I can find of my beloved . I’ve so far gotten all of the photos and videos rom his cell phone phone, voicemails to the kids and cell phone texts and messages to me. My husband wasn’t much of a computer guy so he didn’t have much online but have you tried the forgot password link for the email. I too am hoping to get the old computer working so that I can get all of the photos that were stored on there. Best of luck

    Reply

  • Molly

    May 5th, 2016 at 1:06 PM

    Another day living in a weird world without my husband,I am so lonely and lost in my daily living life.I feel misplaced coz my other half is not present. The moment where i feel my soul will go where his soul went just to be with him n be complete.I miss our talks,laughs,text, differences n missunderstandings ,motivating ,incouragement mostly unconditional love we shared in his life time. I am in soo much pain it feels i just lost him now.Where is he???does he have any clue dat m suffering of grief n pain n hurt.#hate death.

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    May 6th, 2016 at 4:37 PM

    Hi everyone- these days are long and difficult -the nights are the same-in my head nothing seems to make any sense anymore keep thinking what’s the point-a fog seperates me from the real world-new beginnings this time of year just magnifies my loss-Ieu’s sudden unexpected death the shockof the way it happened-I have this image in my head of myself walking happily along a beach my back to the sea when this giant wave crashes into me knocks the life out of me I just didn’t see it coming I’m struggling try and fight to survive-I cannot belive what just happened life-death-now become a living death-I’m still in shock-how is one expected to move on after this-Ieu was my life-how?????
    The difference when you know someone is goint to die you can walk along a beach look towards this giant wave and try and preparyourself you will be knocked off your feet but you did see it coming giving you time to say goodbye you then are hit by this giant wave throwing you off your feet then it becomes life-death-a living death we all are now struggling to survive- I never got to say goodbye… how will any one of us get over this-the truth is we won’t but somehow-God only knows how we shall have to learn to live with the tragic loss of our loved one…
    Someone said to me-” You have changed so much Shirl”-I replied”What do you expect but of course I have” I said the Shirl you knew died with Ieu we were one -I know I’ve changed -I don’t even know who I am anymore-I’ve become this widow called Shirley a total stranger in this now unfamiliar life everything here the complete opposite of what I knew its all new and alien to me full of the firsts and the last time… of course I’ve ******* changed I’ve just lost the love of my life,my soul mate,my best friend he was my world the only one I knew since I was fifteen,every day since turned into 40 wonderfull happy years we were together then our world destroyed in an instant my life,my daughters lives,my grand kids lives -changed forever. Ieu♡Shirl is no more-of course I’ve changed silly woman but then how could she understand what I mean she still has her husband … and is so much older than I- she’s so lucky-life can be so unfair – yes life’s a b****…
    Hi Rich-did you manage to go to Janet’s remembrance?
    Been thinking about you- do you know as I myself have found out that sometimes the anticipation of going or doing something can be much worse than the event itself… Oh so hard for you Rich but I hope you managed to go otherwise you’ll always wonder…
    Hi Scott-hope your the best you can be- yes understandably you’re not feeling so good how could you feel any different your devastated, heartbroken and here comes another weekend so hard because somehow the loneliness becomes magnified because everyone else enjoying time together and family time -your memories -all our memories reminding us what we’ve lost not just @ weekends but every single second of every day………………..yes we are all lucky to have known such love-but right now don’t feel so lucky-makes me angry and bitter-how are you doing you haven’posted in a while-we are all here together-we know here we are not alone-its not a place we choose to be- it choose us and it sucks… take care everyone…

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  • Shirley O.

    May 6th, 2016 at 4:42 PM

    *Sori I forgot to end my previous post with – Shirley O- then there’s no misunderstanding who’s who as there are two of us Shirley’s now posting here!!

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  • Shirley O

    May 6th, 2016 at 4:53 PM

    Sori Scott you did post May 3rd -forgive me going crazy …
    Hi Jackie-did you get a few days off after your work’s events as sure you were even more tired than you already were-somehow we do get strength to do the necessary though right now I feel I’ve no reserves left how about you?
    Take care… Shirley O

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 6th, 2016 at 10:46 PM

    with you molly. best to all. widowhood sucks. yes. starving for mutual unconditional love….
    got brave today and called a widow in this town i do not know. we have a mutual friend. will meet. glad.
    good-as-you- can suffering weekend, peeps. b well.

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  • Janice

    May 7th, 2016 at 7:48 AM

    Good morning, Molly–I check this site every few days and have become dependent on the handful of people who write–unknown friends sharing a painful bond. My heart aches for your loss–you are so young and a sudden and tragic death is very difficult to deal with. All I can tell you is to take everything one step at a time–grieving is very tough. I am at at 6 months which is hardly any time at all, according to others. The huge empty space left by your husband cannot be filled–you will just learn to live with it. I hope you have friends and family to surround you with love and support–and try to take care of yourself, even if you don’t feel like it! Sending love and blessings…Janice

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  • Scott J

    May 7th, 2016 at 2:22 PM

    It doesn’t seem to make a difference to me what day of the week it is; to me every day is difficult to get through. I try to keep myself busy doing things, but they are still only band aid fixes.
    As hard as the days are to make it through, the nights are even harder. As Janice mentioned, I too am longing for Minnie’s love and affections. I would give everything I own, to just hold her one more time.
    I find myself doing things around the house that Minnie would have approved of or would have liked me to do…I have never vacuumed and dusted so much in my life since Minnie died. I need distractions in my life so that I don’t go crazy.
    Minnie loved her gardens and flowers and always had hanging & potted plants across the front of our houses. Spring finally arrived here, so this past week I purchased and hung up some hanging plants on the front our house. I hope I can remember to water them so that they don’t die. I’m down to just three living plants inside the house because I forgot to water some of them. Only the most hardy of the plants have survived…kind of like us here…we have to be hardy in order to survive what we have lost.
    I also had a friend tell me that he thinks I’ve changed since Minnie died. What do you say…. “Gee, ya think so?” Instead I just smiled at him and didn’t say anything.
    In addition to him, I had two other people tell me this week that I need to move on with my life and let go of the past. I wanted to scream at them and tell them that they had no clue.
    It’s hard for me to believe other people think we can let go of years and years of a shared life with our spouses in just a few short months. Oh I forgot they know what our loss is like because they had one of their pets die and they were able to move on with their lives.

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  • Jane

    May 7th, 2016 at 5:52 PM

    Hi All,
    I am planning to spread my husband’s ashes soon and wondering if anyone has done this if their dear spouse was cremated? My husband passed 7 months after his dad and was very uncomfortable about his mum not spreading his dad’s ashes. It is almost 7 months since my husband passed and Inknow he wanted to be set free sooner and I am feeling the pressure to set him free soon, but feel overwhelmed by it all. Any one that has done this, please let me know what you did and how you handled letting go please. Take care all.

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  • Janice

    May 7th, 2016 at 8:19 PM

    Jane, my husband died six months ago and his ashes are still here in a beautiful black urn–we were restricted by geography and time in making a decision, so he will stay here and when I die, our children will combine our ashes and either scatter us to the wind or bury us together. However, Werner adamantly stated he didn’t want to be in the ground, no matter what. I wish we could resolve the situation, but none of seem capable of making that decision yet. But remember, your husband’s spirit is already released and free–if souls had to wait until their earthly bodies were buried or scattered, thousands would be waiting–think of those who perish in earthquakes or tsunamis who are never found! But if you are uncomfortable with his ashes nearby, that’s different.

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  • Scott J

    May 8th, 2016 at 10:58 AM

    Today is a bittersweet day for my family.
    Today is my daughter’s first Mother’s Day as a new mother, but her first Mother’s Day without her mom. Minnie was so excited (I was too) when she learned our daughter was pregnant. Minnie and my daughter had a special bond and spent hours and hours talking on the phone and shopping for our new granddaughter. My granddaughter will be one year old in two weeks and Minnie bought so many things for her before she died, that I still have a closet full of items that will keep our granddaughter in clothes and toys for at least another year or so.
    Minnie also had so many projects planned out for the next five years on things she was going to do and teach our little one. Unfortunately my granddaughter will never know the love that Minnie had for her.
    People told me that the first holidays would be the toughest…and they were right.

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  • Shirley O

    May 8th, 2016 at 1:42 PM

    I’m sure Scott you will see that something your little grandaughter will do or a certain way she’ll look and you will see a chacacteristic of Minnie in her-its happened to me my little grandson has Ieu’s sense of humour and is so easy going so many things he does I can see his (Taid)Grandad in him-though I know makes you sad they are not here to share special moments with the little ones-he adored them and they adored him-Christmas time one had written in her letter to Santa(Father Christmas)please can you bring our Taid(Grandad )back-it just breaks my heart they are missing out so much he loved joining in their games was a little boy @ heart a big fan of footie-I’m reminded every moment an occurence in their everyday lives happens – I now can only tell him and hoping he can see or hear me-I talk to him all the time-share the good and the bad……………but nothings the same any more…………….here’s me alone talking to myself ………… the craziness of grief!!!!!
    Move on…..how can you move on when you haven’t even come to terms with what’s happened and right now don’t even think or believe you ever will-move on…… they have no idea……………………………Shirley O

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  • Sharon

    May 8th, 2016 at 2:23 PM

    Hello everyone,
    I have not written in over 6 months. It has been just over one year since my sweet, wonderful husband passed away from pancreatic cancer. We had 44 awesome years together. We did everything together. We found out when we very young that we could not have children. However, I am a godmother. My family all lives in Texas. Hopefully, someday, I will move from Wisconsin to Texas. My prayers go out to each of you. We all understand each other. The pain is not getting any easier. I miss everything we did together. Even if he was in a different room, at least I knew he was close by. How do we get through this? I thought that the second year would get easier, but it hasn’t. I think of him just about every minute of the day. Everyone says to move on. Oh they say that you are looking better and you seem to be getting on with your life. Truth is, I do not know how to move forward without him. Others say that in time, I will meet someone. I think they just don’ know what to say. Does anyone think that we will meet our loved ones once we go to heaven or are we non-existent until the end of time? Blessing to all of you on Mother’s Day. Thank you for reading my words.

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  • Jackie

    May 9th, 2016 at 7:10 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    It is now spring here and I used to love spring, now all I am thinking is that spring will soon turn to summer and that awful time on August 21st of last year. I still keep thinking of the last week, the last month, last year at this time. It is torture quite honestly. I bought some plants on the weekend with the hope of planting them. Sometimes I start off with good intentions of getting something done and then it seems pointless, why do it just for myself. I am living with the thought that I will see Mark again when I go. Sharon, everyone is also telling me to move on, do they have any idea the loss we have experienced ? I am just not sure I will ever have a true life again. I get through the days somehow and am happy when the day is over and I have been able to kill enough time to get through it. There is never a single moment of joy . I have not had one moment of pure happiness since last August. I think of Mark all the time. He is imbedded in my thoughts, whatever I do I think of him. I agree that just having them close by, even in a different room was so comforting. Now I am not sure where comfort comes from. I also want to know how we get through this. I expect there are no easy answers. I lost both parents (not at the same time), and thought how do I get through this. I was only 19 when my mother passed away. While it was truly awful and I miss her still, I was going out with Mark at the time, we planned on getting married in a few years. My life continued in a forward way. Now there is nothing left of it. I hope we all have an easier time eventually.

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  • Janice

    May 10th, 2016 at 3:19 PM

    Hi, Jackie and everyone–feeling the same as you, Jackie–sitting right now in the chair next to the sofa where Werner would read or watch TV–seeing the sun filter through to the emptiness, wondering what the hell I am doing here alone and where he is. You are right–there are still no answers, but I am so grateful for this site where no one judges me and I can ramble on about my sorrow, because you all get it! Tried to do some gardening today–but as I’ve said before, life is colorless, flat and all I am
    seeing lately are images of my husband after he died…is it possible at almost 7 months that I’m still in disbelief? I just hate living like this…

    Reply

  • Sharon

    May 10th, 2016 at 7:33 PM

    Hi everyone,
    We all get it. Each day is so lonely. I still can’ t believe that my husband is no longer with me and it has been over one year. It hasn’t gotten any better. In fact, it has gotten worse. I can’ t imagine how I am going to handle this for the next year, 10 years or more. Life has very little meaning. I get up in the morning, get ready for the day and can hardly wait until I can go to bed. I do see friends at least twice per week and that helps for the time. When I go back home, I am still alone. He is not here and never will be again. The memories are great but the long lonely days are too much to handle. Our love for each other was amazing and unconditional. I am grateful for this site because reading everyone’s comments does help. We as a group truly understand this pain and loneliness that no one else does. My thoughts and prayers are for everyone readin my comments.

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  • Rich

    May 11th, 2016 at 5:17 AM

    Today, May 11th would have been Janet’s 56th birthday.
    The company she worked for planted a pink flowering dogwood by the main entrance and will be dedicating it today. Seeing her name inscribed on a plaque will be more confirmation that this is not just a bad dream.
    For the past month I have been writing out Birthday cards to Janet and putting them in a mailbox that we have on the woodshed. When Janet was here I would leave her a card and put up the red flag so she knew there was something for her when she took her walk around the sheep pasture. Later today I will open the cards and read them to her.

    Reply

  • Jane

    May 11th, 2016 at 9:21 AM

    Thank you Janice. I will arrange to spread my husband’s ashes at sea this month. He always said that was what he wanted, and so I will set him free soon. I am dreading it…….wish I could just turn around and this is just a bad dream and my Eddie is here…… How I wish……missing him so much. I feel no love or emotion for others, I just want to be alone and just think about my Eddie. I feel disconnected from friends and families ly…….

    Reply

  • Jackie

    May 11th, 2016 at 11:33 AM

    Hi Janice ( and everyone else)
    It is 8 months for me and it is like it was yesterday, I really just can’t believe it has happened, I am living in unreality. I still work and at the end of the day there is no one to share the day with, no one to talk to our laugh with, no one to get annoyed with, I miss every single thing about my old life and it just vanished. I just don’t know how the years are going to go by alone like this. My thoughts are prayers are with all of you, hopefully we find some peace and clarity at some point. Where it comes from I don’t know, but it has to come at some point, I am so hopeful. On the other hand I am afraid I will forget my former life and my Mark.

    Reply

  • Julia

    May 11th, 2016 at 12:49 PM

    I lost my husband a few weeks ago. We had been together for 5 years but had just gotten married on September 21, 2015. He was my best friend. We had done everything together from the day we met. My life had become a dream from the day we met. His death was very sudden and unexpected. I miss him terribly. I don’t know how to go on without him. I always wondered how I could be so lucky to fall in love so deeply. I thought we had so much time left. I have been praying for some sort of sign that he is still around me. I desperately need him and don’t want to live my life without him. How do you go on from this point? I simply don’t know. Everything reminds me of him. I sleep in his clothing and hardly leave our bedroom when I am home. I rush home after work and cry for most of the day. I need him back so badly but I know this will never happen. My life has come to a point where I don’t know how to cope with the grief….. now what? Do I move away where I wont be reminded of the restaurants we frequented or the neighbors who ask questions or my co-workers who look at me with pity or the family members who constantly call and text? I appreciate the thoughtfulness of others, it just seems to make the hurt worse and I’m truthfully jealous of couples who still have their spouses. I need him back so very badly.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    May 11th, 2016 at 3:46 PM

    Dear Julia,

    Thank you for your comment. We are sorry to hear of your recent loss, and we encourage you to reach out. Talking to a counselor or therapist can be a helpful part of the process of learning to cope with grief.

    You can locate a qualified, compassionate professional in your area by entering your ZIP code here:
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

    Please know you are not alone. Help is available, and we wish you the best of luck in your search.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Doren

    May 13th, 2016 at 9:18 PM

    Hi Julia,

    I found this thread in this websiteI think November last year, I have been reading the posts constantly since. But I rarely joined the conversations. My husband passed away on October 7, 2015. We’ve been a couple since 2006 and got married December of 2013. Barely 2years of marriage life. The only thing I dreamt of was for us to grow old together. A dream that will never come true anymore. It has been 7 months and I still feel like I’m sleepwalking everyday, I can’t find reasons in living. I’m not suicidal or something, it’s just so difficult to go thru each day. So, i’m replying to your post to say that you are not alone in this battle, us, who are not blessed of long marriage life with our husbands.

    Reply

  • Julia

    June 19th, 2016 at 8:18 PM

    Doren,
    Thank you for your response. I am sort of relieved but also sad to hear that people are gong through my same type of pain. It hurts so very badly. I feel as if my life has ended. I know I will never be the person I was with him ever again. He was my everything. 5 years of happiness with the love of my life, my soulmate, my partner, my true mate has turned my entire life upside down.

  • Leonor

    May 12th, 2016 at 10:37 AM

    I’m reading all these post from all the wife’s left here without their husbands. I am a 36 year old woman and my husband was 37. He passed may 2 2016. Omg I miss him. We have a 6 year old son together. He was my only constant in my life he was everything I could depend on. It’s so dam hard I cry everyday hard to leave my house do simple chores. I can’t imagine being happy again. I don’t eat I can barley bathe. I’m trying for my kids but it’s hard so hard. I feel my soul is lost. We had only 10 short years together. I miss him more everyday. My heart hurts. I wait for him everyday but I know he won’t come back. But for some crazy reason I do wait. This is not fair. I don’t even know how to live my life anymore I’m lost honestly lost. He died because of poor healthcare his death was not supposed to be that day. He was supposed to be here with me. I miss him so much it’s painful.

    Reply

  • Scott J

    May 12th, 2016 at 2:14 PM

    Julia & Leonor, my heart goes out to you two in the loss of your husbands. There is nothing I can say that will make anything easier for either of you. I have no idea either as to how we are to go on without our spouses. It’s been 99 days since my wife, Minnie, died and I am still completely lost and the hurt isn’t getting any better.
    The one thing I’ve taken away from this posting group, is that everyone here knows exactly what you are going through and that you are not crazy for feeling or doing the things you are going through. I think it took me at least a month and a half before I finally accepted the fact that my wife was really dead, but there are still times when I think/hope she will be there when I walk in the house…but she’s not.
    I hope this site will be of some help to both of you.
    Scott

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 12th, 2016 at 11:16 PM

    hi people it’s good to check in here when i feel my switch is stuck on sad. how are we going to get through this? 29 weeks ago we buried my love. i am so tired of this…i want him here with me…i want time to go backwards …i’m not making progress. it’s hard to do much with a broken heart isn’t it? this is such an understanding site…i mean an understanding group of grieving people. thank you all. sad sad sad sad all week….sad sad sad….the season when we began is now…that’s why i’m sad…and we were not ready to end. he died so we died…..sad sad sad. full of love for my sweet steven but he is……in the ground. sigh. all be well as you can……thanks

    Reply

  • Jackie

    May 13th, 2016 at 9:33 AM

    Hi ,
    It is nice weather now and that makes things worse for me. I am entering into that critical period as it happened in late August. We were enjoying a very nice summer until that horrid day. Now it is all I can think of that date, and what that did to both of us. It is funny, I look relatively normal, but my life is completely gone. Only my work life remains and that isn’t much to make a true life. I am completely lost in this, no focus, no real interest except I am eating junk food, I think it must be comfort eating because I never did this before and that is also horrible. Rebecca I feel like you do, he died so we died – I don’t know where I am without the we part of me, really I don’t know who the me actually is.
    I know how difficult it is for all of us and I am waiting for better times to come – we are probably the one ones that can make it better ourselves.

    Reply

  • Janice

    May 13th, 2016 at 10:05 AM

    Feeling the same, Rebecca, and all of you other friends–dreading the weekend again–nothing helps to keep my mind off of the sadness…not feeling much a part of this world anymore and find the attempts of friends to help me just tedious and useless (except for those who have experienced loss of a spouse) I’ve regressed as well–going over the guilt and regret of what I should have done or didn’t do–doesn’t help, I know–but maybe he’d still be here if I had acted more quickly that morning last October–I guess the reality is, this wrenching pain and agony are not going away! I hope you all find peace and some comfort–it’s not happening to me yet…

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    May 13th, 2016 at 4:13 PM

    How can life go on- Ieu was my life-I know no other life-40 years we were together-I cannot exept what happened -now plunged into the misery of being a widow-we had so many plans- grow old together but in an instant everything changed -this isn’t life its hell on earth and right here were all in this together -all suffering the same and clueless of how to cope without your love in your life… the hurt goes on-time dosen’t heal – so many keep telling me it will get better-better how do they know they are not having to live this living death… they still have their spouses… somehow we shall all have to learn to live with this grief but as for life goes on… not for me it stopped when Ieu’s heart stopped beating… yes I’m still here and somehow existing but only for my daughters and grandchildren-so precious- Ieu adored them-all also desperately missing their Dad and Taid(welsh for grandad) … but as I’ve said before If you died from a broken heart I wouldn’t be here… but here I am lost don’t know what to do anymore-no plans-lost in grief… lost cos I don’t recognize this life… nothing is familiar-I don’t know where I’m going… just try and do baby steps as someone said… but I just want to go back… to our life… only one I know…
    *Hi everyone new to this site, so so sorry for your loss i feel so sad cos right now you are all at the beginning of this horrific journey -I know I’ve been there and still am there… we are all here together you’ll recognise your symptoms from reading all our past posts and then will know you are not alone anymore… we can all share our thoughts and stories… take care everyone-be strong – we can only try and be the best we can in this totally alien world we’ve been thrown into alone and desperate for our normality to return and not wanting to believe that it never will… nothing will ever be the same again… everything has changed forever…
    -Shirley O.

    Reply

  • Rich

    May 13th, 2016 at 5:02 PM

    Marriage Ended??
    I turned 62 in April and filed for Social Security today. I was told I could collect survivors benefits and leave mine intact. That’s fine.
    However SS states that the marriage ended when Janet died. That really bothered me. In my mind I’m still married, I refer to Janet as my wife, not my ex-wife. Do you consider your marriage ended because your wife or husband died?
    I’m still married no matter what anyone says.

    ??

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 13th, 2016 at 10:29 PM

    hi everybody and janice you sound like me. i don’t know how to go on with the agony and the going over what happened and the what if and if only…….acted in ocober. oh are we the same. i am so sad. i feel this to be suffering and so hard to endure. this connection with you all is a huge help. many people seem to think my grief is cooties and they stay away. i miss my beloved husband so so much and i am stuck….yes. why did we not figure out we needed to go to the hospital? i lie awake and …..it’s too much to live in this misery. no clue how anything will be better. this adds to the despondency. i know you know. so what to do? janice, our mutual friend is who stopped by for passover btw…..i want my husband, i want my life the way it was, i feel like a greedy crybaby but……your post above describes me as well. no idea how to deal with this…..it terrifies me that (your words) “this wrenching pain and agony are not going away”…..we are supposed to learn to live with it? how? really. it hurts too much. you too right? be well. it’s chilly in the upper midwest. glad to be with a heating pad and miao miaos but i want to be wrapped in the arms of my beloved….:.(………

    Reply

  • Janice

    May 14th, 2016 at 12:30 PM

    First of all, to Rich–I am like you–I totally feel I’m still married–I mean, I’m not divorced, so just because my husband died and isn’t here, doesn’t mean my marriage is over–I am married to him for all eternity and wear my ring as well. Our hearts and souls are bound together spiritually and I fully expect to be united with him one day. I detest the term widow–it’s a dreadful word–so many horrible connotations, but I guess for legal purposes, I am one now.
    Rebecca–yes, the pain is searing and endless–it takes me absolutely forever to get moving, and then no matter what I do, the emptiness just overwhelms me. By the way, To Jackie, Shirley O.–your messages resonated with me as well–I can’t imagine not having this group to write to and yes, maybe someday the pain will be less, but right now, I’m struggling with worse sorrow and despair–I feel like the shell of a person…as always, thanks for reading this and being there…

    Reply

  • Jackie

    May 14th, 2016 at 3:59 PM

    Hello Everyone, I am going to stop saying names, because I don’t want to leave anyone out, I know I am so sensitive now to anything that anyone says that I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. It is another Saturday, today was a bit different I had to go to something at our house of worship this morning. I would have normally gone with Mark, I wanted him there with me, I actually was imagining him sitting beside me and listening, thinking about what we would have talked about afterwards. The agony and sadness just stays with me, even when I am functioning and doing things, it stays with me. I am still married in my mind, I will always still be married to my Mark. Weekends are horrible, I am not sure how we live with it. I keep thinking of fisherman’s wifes looking out at sea for their husbands who have drowned. It is chilly where I am , near Michigan, I like it better than being warm as then I would be entering that horrible unavoidable season. I am sorry to be so gloomy, we are all trying – maybe we could start saying one positive thing about our day and see how that goes.

    Reply

  • Ann

    May 16th, 2016 at 2:38 PM

    Hi Jackie, the positive thing about today is that so far I haven’t cried, it’s been 24 weeks. I keep thinking there’s something wrong with me because I haven’t cried, I still hurt inside, the pain’s still there but where are the tears? I keep thinking that if the op had been sooner, things would have turned out differently and then I think I can actually change things until it hits me. The reality kicks in and I realise nothing can change what has happened. This isn’t life now, it is surviving or at least we are all trying to, it’s hard to think that this is what it will be like until it’s our time and this makes us feel so helpless, what is the point of this life if all that we are just vanishes, leaving behind loved ones and memories. It just doesn’t make any sense to me! Keep in touch, may we all find some comfort from each other.

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    May 14th, 2016 at 4:20 PM

    No way!!-I feel the same as you Rich I’m still married and still Ieu’s wife no matter what anyone says- bureaucracy stinks!!
    Same as some forms you get to fill in ask are you married or single-yes I’m still married but living here alone of course its the married box I want to tick not the single surely there should be another choice or a widow/er?????
    I’m still married I want to scream -Ieu died we didn’t get a divorce!!!!
    I know exactly how you feel Rich so angry lost for words cos you just cannot believe some of the things we have to put up with- me,you and all here have named just a few in our posts… everyday there will be something else to challenge our existance as widow/ers… were just starting along a journey we’ve no idea where were going or how to get there… there will be lots of obstacles along the way to doubt or question ones self that’s surely not what I am or how I feel yet only few choices to answer to survive this so called new strange unfamiliar life so alien feeling forced to accept the only guidance now available to us -bureacratic rules or not just things we must do in order to survive what we’ve become… do you understand what I’m trying to say… jumbled up words- jumbled up me-jumbled up life… jumbled up everything-nothing now never ever will be the same again… what I would give to tick that box -married… were not allowed to anymore???
    But really who cares Rich no-one can ever take away from us that you are still married to Janice as I am still married to Ieu as I’m sure nearly everyone here will agree they are also all still married -we know in our broken hearts what’s right and what should be and that what matters-take care everyone!-Shirley O.

    Reply

  • Julia

    May 15th, 2016 at 9:06 PM

    I too am still married. It hurts to think otherwise. I miss my husband so darn much. I don’t ever see the pain getting any better. I will always yearn for him. I hate sleeping and waking without him. I miss hearing him snore. I miss hearing him complain about the heat in our room. I miss waking up next to him. I am lost, unprotected, scared and alone. I would give anything to have done something that would have postponed him being gone. I re-think that terrible night over and over. I wonder if there was something I could have done to keep him here with me. He was my best friend. He was EVERYTHING to me. I’m not suicidal, but I wish I was with him. I don’t know how to continue without him. I don’t want to change my life. I need my husband back so bad. Our bond was so intense. I wonder if he feels me longing for him. Now what do I do? How do I keep living alone? I need him back.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S.

    May 16th, 2016 at 12:35 AM

    hey rich i am freaked by what social security told you. i get survivors benefits and it took months to get them. iowa is a common law state. we got married in the woods, had a religious ceremony, had a video of it, invitations…they made me dance thru hoops and get kin to write letters to say we were married. and i had to produce utility bills etc. hoops hoops. and a rabbi told me the marriage contract ended when steve’s life ended. i say NO> we are married forever. he is my soul mate we are the love of each others lives. i have on my fb status married and bereaved. i know some ppl who have widowed. f### fb & f#### social security. we carry our broken hearts around and like shirley o says we know ……and steve and i have our 36th wedding anniversary coming up…not sure what to do that day. want him here with me.
    it seems like some ppl talk about moving on. i gravitate toward this group. we are in love with our spouses and trying to limp along with our broken hearts full of love and our broken souls….. thanks for affirming what we feel, all. it’s too too sad and hard though. i feel like i will die of grief. and also ……this house while small feels too big for just me. how silly to pay for a roof over my head when we got this house for two. i remain sadder than sad 29 weeks and 6 days into this…….it’s suffering, it’s hell. but being with my love….oh what a dream. i so want it back. not this nightmare. this is not living it is surviving ….barely. don’t you think? take care. gonna try and sleep…..so many ” normal” things like sleeping and eating and digesting have gotten too hard. my soul and heart and guts are grieving. take care good folks

    Reply

  • Rich

    May 17th, 2016 at 9:34 AM

    Rebecca:
    If it weren’t for Janet’s cat and Lorazepam I think I would be out of here already.
    I went to an antique auction last night. Would have bought a number of items, but what for? The reason for my being, the joy and the love of my life is gone. I don’t believe for a second it will ever get better for me.

    Reply

  • Scott J

    May 17th, 2016 at 2:47 PM

    I can’t foresee things ever getting better for me either. I also still consider Minnie to be my wife and constantly talk in the plural about “our” things and not “my” things when talking to other folks.
    Like Rich, I too have been remodeling our house over the past few years, and I recently finished creating our new master bedroom suite upstairs, unfortunately, Minnie never got to see the finished results.
    The whole house has been completely redone (inside and out) except for the kitchen; however that project will now remain undone. Our current kitchen is just fine from my perspective, though I was more than willing to create a new one just for her, simply because it would have made her happy. I have no idea what to do with the house now. Do I stay or do I sell? I have no idea.
    All I hear from people lately is…move on, move on, move on, but I can’t. Would these people tell someone who has lost an arm or a leg…to just put it behind you and move on with your life?
    I don’t think this pain is ever going to go away.

    Reply

  • sandi k

    May 18th, 2016 at 5:36 AM

    First off no words can make you feel better, but do know im sorry for your pain. My story is a was married 3 times, finally met the man who constantly gave me butterflies in my stomach. He was my longest relationship 20 yrs. He was the one, and he was the one that died-age 55 suddenly after cutting the grass, a heart attack which i could not save him. I have been aching for 6 long/yet short years. Its a pain, like no other, I try to think of other things, but i wake up knowing he is not with me. I need him, its hard not looking forward to just something each day. I feel so doomed, and on top of this i suffer from depression. This has thrown me for a loop. Nothing will bring him back, he is gone, but it still seems impossible that he left without me, has gone somewhere without me. I think of a time or a place and get an excitement that we will do this again.. then i realize at that moment.. wait he’s dead.. we can;t. its a vicious circle so complicated that my mind cant understand the how’s and why’s. Does this make sense? Is anyone feeling the same? I just feel numb.

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  • Ann

    May 18th, 2016 at 2:01 PM

    Sandi, I understand everything you have said. When you lose your best friend, your soulmate, nothing seems to make sense anymore. Please get some help for your depression, I know you are feeling low at the moment but you need to talk to someone. I think we all feel so helpless because nothing we say or do can change what has happened. Please keep in touch here, we all know how you are feeling.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S.

    May 18th, 2016 at 11:00 PM

    hi . you all are so much the same as me vs the other places where ppl say it is going to be better. when i go there i feel like i am flunking widowhood. well i am i hate it. also whoever is in charge here please a request: i was getting new comment notices then not. i would like to get them. thanks. i don’t know what will become of those of us who feel like we are on a sunk ship. yes. cats and lorazepam. i worry about the cats. they too grieve. i am a mess of a widow. it’s 7 months now. thank you all for being out there on here. steve is supposed to be here with me celebrating our anniversary all this month. can i still be in shock? does anyone else feel stuck in a really bad nightmare that you wish could not possibly be your life? all i want is the life we had together. our shared life. shared life with the love of my life. and i the love of his. and he did not mean to leave me. he did not know he was about to die. i still feel i could have saved him……so we suffer……take care……all

    Reply

  • Rich

    May 19th, 2016 at 9:30 AM

    Although I am not a Catholic I go to the Blue Amy Shrine in Washington NJ, once a week to light a candle for Janet and thank God for our time together. As I was leaving I turned on the radio and this song was the first thing that came on: youtube.com/watch?v=F77v41jbOYs
    I heard it before but never really listened to the words until today.
    If you are unable to access the link just go to YouTube and put in “Tell Your Heart To Beat Again Lyrics Danny Gokey ”
    I felt like it was Janet speaking to me, I will never stop loving her. I hope that this song somehow provides you with some comfort and encouragement. Foe me it was the right song at the right time, Thank you Janet.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Julia

    May 19th, 2016 at 12:09 PM

    I went to see a therapist this week. I have been feeling like I need to do something about these feelings. I have a deep longing for my husband. I am constantly searching for new photos of him. I am thinking about what should have been. I am miserable everywhere I go. At work, i think of him, at home, in the car, everywhere. The therapist was not helpful. He just said he was sorry for my loss, like everyone else. He invited me to bring photos to a session and talk about my husband. But, when I tell people how much he meant to me, how he was my inspiration for everything, it just hurts more. They just look at me in pity. I really wish there was some way I could speak to my husband one more time and tell him to do things differently. I wish I could stop him from going out that night. He was killed while driving on the highway. No one knows why. I don’t have any answers. All I know is that the love of my life, my soul mate, my reason for living is gone. Tomorrow will be one month exactly. I don’ know how I will manage to live this life without him. We constantly talked about the things we would do together when the kids all grew up. We wanted to travel a lot. We wanted to take silly classes together. We wanted to go camping. We planned to read couple books together. We had so many darn plans and we were do different but still so very much alike. We came from different worlds but were so happy in our own world that we had created. I can’t see myself going to many restaurants without him. We were regulars in so many places. We had friends and people who will look for us on Sunday nights at one of our favorite restaurants. I hate the feelings I get when I see couples. I cry to myself and yearn for my husband to be back with me. I try to dream of him and I can’t seem to do it. i think I have only had one dream about him in this month that he has been gone.

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  • Angelika

    May 21st, 2016 at 8:12 AM

    Hi Julia, I am quite a bit older than you, though that does not change the pain and extreme loss I feel over my husband Rogers death. He died Dec. 10th 2014 suddenly. It still feels like he died yesterday.

    I relate to everything you say. People think I should be not so sad anymore since its been 15 months, but i am he was my life!! I still cry almost every morning when I get up and evening going to bed. The feeling of missing him terrible has not changed and it won’t . What has changed after the first year is I can go whole days (daytime) without crying. I don’t stay constantly in front of his picture and talk to him and kiss his face or watch a film I made about him every single day and cry my heart out. I can concentrate better on playing with my grandkids when I am with them. My 7 year old granddaughter made a comment on Easter. Someone made some funny remark and I started laughing out loud, she said: “This is the first time since Opa died that you were really laughing”. This was 14 months after Roger died. That’s what I think is improvement. Though I still have all his clothes and still bury my face in his jeans which still hang on the same hook since the day he died. I still use his hankies which I hated when he was alive and now give me comfort. Always hoping to recapture his smell.
    I am writing this to you to let you know. Everything you feeling is normal and ok. Please take time and don’t ever compare yourself to others which are grieving . These are emotions which are only yours and not one of us widows feel exactly the same. If you feel up to it go on a website called Soaring Spirit International or called Camp Widows. It’s a good place to get info and find other people.

    Truly sorry for your loss
    Angelika

    Reply

  • Julia

    June 19th, 2016 at 9:01 PM

    Angelika,
    Thank you. I will research the information you provided. I look forward to meeting others who can relate to my loss. This site has become a regular stop for me. When I speak to people around me about how I feel like I can’t go on without my husband, they don’t seem to understand. My life was changed so completely when I met my husband and I will never be that person again. Before I met him, I was insecure and unhappy. I was just going through life on a day by day basis. When I met my Damone, I became a new person. My life became filled with surprises, happiness and love. The first day I had lunch with him, we talked for over 4 hours. It was instant compatibility. The night we met each other, at a mutual friend’s birthday party, the photographer took a photo of us. Looking back at that photo, I seemed to be with a person I had known for years, instead of hours. After our initial meeting, we were inseparable. I miss him so much.

  • Jackie

    May 19th, 2016 at 1:43 PM

    Hi Everyone, Rebecca I can relate to what you are saying, Most days I think of something and realize the whole of my life is just torn out, it has been removed I have the outer shell of myself but there is nothing else left really, it went when Mark went. I am still stuck too and it has been 8 months, stuck still in shock , like when I look at a picture I can’t believe he is not here, I have to remind myself that he is not here. I am not at a point to have “wonderful memories”, things that would be memories just make it more difficult, my memories are what we did the week before, our conversation and why is that not happening now. Why am I left here, in this sad space with no life. We really do suffer unfortunately , we suffer.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 20th, 2016 at 5:25 PM

    oh sufferers. here comes the weekend. have a good cry and take care. it’s a very hard time for so many of us. glad about this site. thank you. my love died 7 months ago today.the day he didn’t wake. we work together in this town for the first time 36 years ago. he is the love of my life, the mate of my soul and i yearn for him…it seems greedy sometimes but i do yearn, and am grateful. and love him. take care you all

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 20th, 2016 at 8:39 PM

    we WOKE together in this town for the first time 36 years ago
    (typo- thanks)

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  • Scott J

    May 21st, 2016 at 4:38 PM

    It was both a fun and sad day today. Our one & only granddaughter was 1 year old today and my daughter held the birthday party at our house. Minnie would have been so thrilled to have been able to host the party. It was a great time with so many people and kids in attendance, plus my son-in-laws parents traveled over 700 miles to be here as well. It was a thrill for me to be able to have all of these people here, because I love having my granddaughter around, yet at the same time I was sad because Minnie wasn’t here to enjoy it with me.
    Now everyone has gone home & I’m here all by myself and once again the loneliness sets in.
    Unfortunately this is a taste of what all of the holidays and celebrations will be like from now on.

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  • Janice

    May 21st, 2016 at 5:21 PM

    To Angelika — my husband was also “Opa”, –and the only one our three grandchildren had! Fifteen months–I don’t even know if I can manage going on that long. And now it’s the dreaded weekend–I have done NOTHING today–no motivation, no energy, no spirit–anticipating a bad next few days–Monday would be Werner’s birthday and I am already beside myself with anxiety–but I plan to work in the garden and buy a new rose bush for him–he loved roses. Last summer I caught him sitting near one of the flower beds and tears were streaming down his face. This was after the first of many sudden cardiac arrests and two weeks in the hospital — he was overjoyed to be home and was so joyful about the roses–but I knew he was facing his own mortality–even though we never, ever imagined he’d be gone three months later. I carry in my heart a deep gratitude that he did enter the world 74 years ago and later become my husband — and while I did have more years with my love than many of you, our pain is not measurable–it is just pain, sorrow and emptiness — yes, we are shells of who we were — also nearing the 7 month mark — I simply still cannot believe it — and honestly am running completely out of any desire to continue — and while I also cry every single day, I am hopeful after reading Angelika’s message that it does lessen–but the love and the longing for our life together will always exist.

    Reply

  • Shirley O

    May 22nd, 2016 at 2:00 PM

    My good friends presuaded me to take a break with them and visit Ireland-we arrived last Mon I was so sad going into the hotel room on my own this being the very first time without my Ieu-this was so hard and painfull but as Ieu had always wanted to go to Ireland I was doing this for him-I slept with his t-shirt and picture next to me and just hoped the next few days would hopefully get a little easier-wasn’t to be next morning while visiting a little village I tripped broke my arm-all I wanted was have Ieu next to me comforting me but instead here I was in a foreign hosp -yes I was lucky to have my friends there with me but that night when alone in the hotel bedroom I broke down and cried why me-why now-haven’t I been through enough-why did I bother trying………….one thing for sure its made me realize that whatever happens to me now I will never again have Ieu there next to me to care,comfort and love me as he always had for 40 years- I went to Ireland so sad I returned sadder-I miss my caring darling husband soooooooo much it hurts more than words can tell………………….I tried to do ‘a first’ -my first trip without Ieu and look what happened………now I’m back home with my broken heart and my first broken bone…………thinking why did I bother I should have listened to my heart I wasn’t ready and not my friends keeping on at me saying I must try something new I feel so tired this true grief is so exhausting…………………………..please don’t get me wrong I do realize I am very lucky to have family and friends- some people have no-one…………………….but a lesson I have learnt from this right now is to only do what I can there’s no pressure on myself,no time limit I’ll know in my heart when I’m ready to do a first without Ieu………………Shirley O.

    Reply

  • Janice

    May 23rd, 2016 at 9:39 AM

    I wrote Saturday about how I “thought” I would survive today…it’s not working…I have just fallen apart and it’s only noon. What did you all do on your spouse’s first birthday after they died?

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  • Rich

    May 23rd, 2016 at 2:29 PM

    Janice:
    Sorry to hear that you are having a hard time and sorry for all of us dealing with a lost wife or husband.
    My Janet’s Birthday was May 11th. That morning I took 2 Loraepams and headed to where she worked. The company had planted a Pink flowering dogwood and placed a plaque in her memory. Later I got a call from the car dealer that the car Janet had me order was ready for pickup. I think that was her birthday gift to me.
    Later I went home and opened the 10 or so Birthday cards I had sent her and read them out loud. It was the 2nd most emotional day of my life.
    Take care.

    Rich

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  • Carole

    May 23rd, 2016 at 3:11 PM

    Went to Yosemite for the first time Friday, took a 1 day trip via Amtrak/Bus with a friend and her grandson. Its only a 4 hour drive from where I live but for some reason my husband and I had never made the trip all these years. He was an avid hunter, fisherman and all around loved the outdoors and we had been many other beautiful outdoor places. Even though I enjoyed the trip my heart ached all day, and I found myself having to hold back tears several times. I did not let on to my friend because after 7 months I feel people probably just don’t want to hear it or understand you are hurting still, even a good friend. But as I looked around Yosemite all I could think about was my husband and how he would have loved the nature and I thought of all the foresty places we had been hunting and camping over the years. And to go someplace like that without him after 42 years just seemed so…empty. I know he would not want me feeling this way, he’d want me to enjoy life, but its so hard to. I can’t imagine ever going anywhere where I will not miss having him by my side or having places and things remind me of him. I also had a Shutterfly photo album made of him last week, one that starts with his baby picture, all the years in between and ends with a photo of his last day in the hospital. Putting the photos together was painful….but I will be glad to have the book. Its been 7 months now and I find I am at a place where depression is setting in. I keep thinking back on all the things we did over the years, the people we knew, many gone or drifted away. How life just seems so vapid now. How do you spend 42 years with someone (since I was 15) and suddenly that person is gone and you are alone. All my family is gone now, anyone who *really* cared about me is gone. I always thought I’d have my only sister here to comfort me when my husband died, but she died of a super aggressive cancer 18 months before my husband died. When everyone you loved is gone life is meaningless. And I keep thinking I will not ever see my husband again until I leave this life and I’m only 57 ( he was 74)…how MANY years am I going to have to live without him ? ! Some days I feel feel a bit hopeful about the future, other days like today I want no part of the future. Everyday just going through the motions, simply surviving, feeling half of me is gone.
    Thanks for listening…XO to all

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  • Vivian

    May 23rd, 2016 at 5:28 PM

    I haven’t been posting because the past month has been so tough. I am still reeling from losing Raul and have been trying to do my best day to day. I even planned a trip to visit our son. I flew to Georgia and the next day received a call that my father was in the hospital. He was 91 and sharper than I. I took a flight back the next day and rushed to the hospital. Four days later, he passed away. By the time I got there, he was unconscious and never regained before he died. In less than a year I have lost them both. However, my dad was ready to go and said he wanted to go quickly, so I was glad he got his wish. But all I could think of was my husband. He wasn’t there. I never expected to have to deal with all of this without him. I feel that I’m living in some alternate universe. It’s been almost 11 months and I still don’t know why he had to die. My whole world has changed. Yes, I function and have been busy settling my dad’s house and have spent every day handling so many things. Some people may think I’m ok and maybe there are times when I actually am learning to be alone but then the night comes and it is cruel and the morning is another slap in the face to remind me he’s gone. I was supposed to grow old with him and no matter how much time passes, I will want him with me. I miss him is all I can say.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 24th, 2016 at 11:48 AM

    hi all hi vivian i wrote to you last night but the machine ate it. your last lines are my words every day. last night i was unable to sleep all night long. i slept 7 a -11 a. it’s 31 weeks since my husband died and i feel totally fried..woke with a nightmare of someone beside me dying. it never ends. my husband outlived my dad by not even 2 years and it should have been 25. don’t like this nightmare. we are in. or i am in and others are in similar ones. steve and i were prepared to watch our moms fade away together. i know what you mean about not expecting to deal with things without him. i feel i can’t and just was trying to write yesterday to say i feel your misery but the server couldn’t be found and now it is today and i feel my misery hugely. we all are full of misery. it could …the energy of it…drive a jet plane. thursday is our 36th wedding anniversary. we share these nightmares all of us on here i think. i don’t like this alternative universe. i want my real life with steve back but it died when he died. who else is sad today? all be well and this sharing…..i don’t know if we help each other with clues so much as saying by sharing: me too. you are not alone or crazy with these feelings. but it hurts hurts hurts hurts hurts….you know? how the heck to manage? 31 weeks today and i haven’t a clue…..best wishes

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  • Vivian

    May 24th, 2016 at 6:45 PM

    Rebecca S.R. I know it is a little morbid but I do feel comfort in the fact that I am not alone in these feelings.
    I have posted the following before but I re-read it recently and it is so on point about grief;
    In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
    Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
    —–
    I just got one of those waves and it crashed into me hard. Last night I couldn’t be consoled and most of the day has been as truly hard. My waves are still pretty high. Tomorrow I will try to rejoin the world. Plan to go to Yoga and see my brother and sister-in-law who will be in town.

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  • berna

    May 24th, 2016 at 9:28 PM

    Today is one of those special days my husband surely wouldn’t forget remembering..and i decided last night i wouldn’t be emotional, i promised! But i just found myself, unable to keep my eyes dry this very moment.. the wave came again, crashing all over me.. nearly 6 months now but still feels like only yesterday i have him to myself, can still hear his sweet voice constantly reminding me how much i am loved..

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 24th, 2016 at 8:26 PM

    hi vivian i am smashed down by waves. at the bottom of the sea. hi everyone. factoid: 25% of people get constipated from lorazepam. how are you all doing? grief wise? i am stuck in sad. our wedding anniversary is the day after tomorrow. i will hide off line and meet steve on a blank page. best to all as this holiday weekend comes along. take care

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  • Janice

    May 25th, 2016 at 9:37 AM

    Thanks to all who commented on the difficulty of getting through the “firsts” — my plans to survive my husband’s birthday fell apart. A common thread in these posts is the sheer helplessness, the despair and the longing for our loved one. I just decided to watch the video of my husband and our life together which was made by family members. It’s set to some of his favorite music–it makes me cry with sorrow, but other parts make me smile. I am finally feeling that the gratitude I have for our shared lives is what keeps me going, even though the pain and emptiness are still overwhelming. Sending love and peaceful thoughts to you all…

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  • Shirley O

    May 26th, 2016 at 6:52 AM

    Now so many firsts – ‘my first alone without Ieu’ following my final lasts-‘our last time together’-which is worse…………………so heartbreaking,so difficult and soul destroying,now mentally and physically the pain constant – hurts so much- cannot describe yet everyone here will know excactly how I feel gets worse as each day passes-how do we survive this grief and carry on………………Shirley O

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  • Karen

    May 26th, 2016 at 2:47 PM

    I wake and go to sleep with missing and loving him every day and night it just gets harder and it’s been nearly eighteen months since my sweetheart left me the pain is so unbearable my heart breaks for us all

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  • Rebecca

    May 26th, 2016 at 3:24 PM

    how DO we survive this grief and carry on shirly o i am despondent. wedding anniversary today. :.(…..
    can’t go on without steve. don’t feel i can. mom in hospital now. all too much for me. 36 blessed years. and i feel i failed to save steve by not knowing heart attack signs…sad sad sad forever sad how do we survive this grief and carry on? with you in the question. no answer. :.(…….
    thanks for asking the question……

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  • Rich

    May 27th, 2016 at 9:56 AM

    Memorial Day weekend.
    Janet and I would cook Turkey hot dogs with sauerkraut, and beans every Memorial Day.
    This Memorial Day will be different. I think I’ll take a long drive out to Cabelas in Hamburg, PA. When I was 18 and before I met Janet I use to take road trips by myself. I looked forward to the day that I could take them with my future (and at the time unknown ) wife. Sharing life and the journey together. God sent me Janet, life was good, we loved each other and everyday was a new adventure. We took our road trips and had the time of our lives. Now I’m back to 18 again, just me driving the car around and wishing I had the past 34 years back.
    Don’t get me wrong I am very, very thankful for the time we had but I thought it would never end.

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  • Vivian

    May 27th, 2016 at 11:21 AM

    Well, it will be 11 months tomorrow. I seem to have been ‘functioning’ ok, I guess, I have been so busy settling my Dad’s things so it makes the time go by. When I stop and sit for a moment, it hits me all over again. These past 2 days what I feel is a complete sadness. A sadness that dims everything around me. I had a light inside me that is so clear in all my photos with him. We were like that, our faces literally lit up when we looked at each other and when we were together, which was all day. I look at photos now (I’m not crazy about photos now) and even if I smile, it is obvious that the joy is gone. I am honestly working hard at making my home good for me and for a life alone and I think he would approve but he couldn’t possibly think that I can be truly happy without him.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 27th, 2016 at 11:49 AM

    rich i’m sad for you and us all. your last line is me too. have a good weekend you and everyone as much as we can. i am sad and think i will not manage. my grief counsellor said he thought i was not going to make it and would die of grief in a year or 2. for real! he said that! best to all. don’t get flustered by my comment it just blew my mind. best, rsr
    ps i don’t want to do my youth again and can’t and i can’t get steve back so i am stuck in sad :.(….

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 27th, 2016 at 3:45 PM

    oh vivian me too. the joy is gone the light is gone.
    may we all get through the weekend. best to all as we grieve. a long weekend of grief…….
    solidarity in sadness….
    :.(……………

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  • Julia

    May 27th, 2016 at 3:49 PM

    I’m sorry to hear about everyone feeling so down. I too am feeling down as the holiday approaches. I don’t know how I will manage without him. I assume I will sit home and think of my husband. I also look at pictures and notice how happy I was when we were together. My son graduated from high school last week and I look pitiful in the photos. I look awkward and insecure now. My husband gave me strength, confidence an courage. I keep trying to figure out how I will get back to that place. My therapist says that everything is too fresh. It has been 37 days since my life has been changed. I miss him so much. I have been doing things people say should not. I resigned from my job and took another one, I stopped eating and lost 20 pounds, I go to bed as soon as I get home, I don’t go out (i cant go out without him), I avoid the places we went together. Now what?

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  • Janice

    May 28th, 2016 at 8:55 AM

    There are many other “grief” websites and blogs that I read, but never post on–one website is called onlinegriefsupport.com and one blog there is called “I Lost My Spouse” — it has over 175 members! — imagine, all those souls going through what all of us are going through. I am thinking about each of you this morning. So, for now–I got up, got dressed, and am functioning to some degree– (made coffee!) but the brutal reality is I miss my husband more than life itself and find that each day, each week, I am getting worse. The pain of missing him is overwhelmingly physical. Is this complicated grieving? Seven months tomorrow–should we just stop counting? I honestly do not know how to cope anymore…all the things which brought joy and richness to to my life with Werner now seem so meaningless–can’t imagine continuing living this way, and nothing is changing for me…maybe I am just not a very strong person. I don’t know anymore…

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  • Scott J

    May 28th, 2016 at 12:09 PM

    Janice, I’m not sure it has anything to do with our strength as to how well we manage to “get by”. I think it is more based on how much our spouses were a part of us and how much time we spent together with them, and how much we truly loved them. I believe the more time we spent together and the more love we had for our spouses, the harder it is for us to go on without them. The hole in our souls/life is going to take a long time (if ever) to fill back in. While doing things may help temporarily distract us, it does nothing to fill the void.
    The past few days have been horrible for me. I can’t seem to go more than an hour or two without breaking down. I’m not sure why…all I know is that, like you, it definitely seems to be getting worse and not better. It could be that I can’t talk about Minnie anymore because no one wants to listen. Even the grief group I was attending only let us speak for 10 minutes and that is only once every two weeks. Not enough time in my book.
    If anyone asks how I’m doing now, I just say fine and change the subject.
    Will the physical pain ever go away, I don’t know, but I hope so because I don’t know how much longer I can handle this vise squeezing tighter and tighter on me.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 28th, 2016 at 12:42 PM

    Janice, i’m at the 7 months plus place but i count weeks… 31 weeks and 4 days. no. it’s not complicated grief. it’s normal. we are normal. no one teaches us about this. we learn when it happens. when should they teach it? home ec? love and marriage… and tell you one of you might die first? to get up and get dressed and function to some degree is STRONG.

    i too am getting worse. i don’t believe the grief counselors who say it will get better. i believe the widows who had deep love who say it keeps hurting. it’s amazing: we use the same words. this week i have been saying “i don’t see where the meaning in my life is any more”. for me too it is physical. my guts are grieving.

    Julia i too lost pounds… i took my cat to the vet ( a concern with her blood sugar…she is diabetic) and got on the scale there (good for small cats big dogs and me) and see i have lost 25 or 30 pounds… but over a longer time. don’t stop eating, try to eat little bits. oh i know how you feel. what now indeed. this week one of the (yes i have more than one…) grief counselors i consult looked at me and volunteered that i will die of grief in a year or so. i thanked him for his honesty. to try and do a bit is strong. to not go out or go to places you/we went together is normal.

    there is no reason to push ourselves or listen to people who say move on go on a date. we need to listen to our hearts and souls. we have endured one of the greatest traumas a human can. yes there are wars and bombs fall on people and horrible things happen. we have experienced, each of us, a very great tragedy for ourselves and for the one we loved… to feel beyond sad for our loss of mates as well as for the loss of the precious life of the wonderful mate who no doubt had lots to do in life, lots to live… is a huge loss, a personal loss as big as any individual in a war torn country.

    we can not rank griefs but we can know that what we are suffering is enormous and deserves respect for what it its. we thought we had lives that were settled. then… gone. in my case my husband and i had a shared life that was a weave of both of us into one cloth. i loved our shared life. it is something to mourn. we have been ripped, torn. it is normal to feel terrible. there is no pill for it. we need to allow ourselves to grieve and to keep doing the bits we need to to survive. for how long? what now? i don’t know. not one day at a time. one nano second at a time and… allow ourselves to hide some when we need to.

    the only comfort we have is one another reminding us that we are not alone in this experience. we are going through torture. we are managing the best we can. we will keep suffering and we will see, each of us, how and if we can survive. there is no rosy picture. there are those who say time heals. but as this place and other widow sites show: the pain will not relent.

    i too ask what next and for how long. it is not easy to do even a tiny bit. we do what we can and that is enough. we need to give ourselves the time we need to grieve. that is my opinion. it is a sadder than sad situation. i suspect many of you agree with what i am saying. just eat a little bit and… what then? no idea. some of us will die of grief. some of us will re marry. many of us will continue to suffer.

    it is terrible but… that is what i think. i miss my husband with a visceral longing. it is love and also there is so much fear. terror! the sirens go off. tornado? alone? cat blood sugar messed up. figuring out what to do without my darling companion with whom i collaborated on life? all scary and sad. we have to honor ourselves. i am going to take a nap and hope i can. actually sleep… all be well as you can even if that is not very… thanks for being out there/on here.

    we validate one another. we are normal. we are grieving. we have experienced love and loss. some people are not that in love with their spouses or not as involved…those of us who are hurt more. no one teaches us how much suffering we will have or how to endure it. we are lucky to have had the loves who we love so much the loss is pain. we all agree on that i think don’t you? we need to lower our expectations of our abilities now. that’s what i think. do you? peace to all as much as we can find it… which is not much…

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 28th, 2016 at 10:22 PM

    thank you all for your eloquent words thought they speak of pain. your sharing is greatly appreciated and helps me….thank you for being friends on here or whatever we are. co- sufferers. the stars are out tonight. i bottomed out saturday afternoon. hoping for a better tomorrow for us all tho we are all….in great grief. solidarity in this= thank you and support. blessings.

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  • Shirley O.

    May 29th, 2016 at 1:32 AM

    Yesterday was a sunny day I decided to try another first for me I went out to lunch on my own-I ordered a snack-I looked around-couples-young-old-older than me-smiling-chatting no care in the world-laughing-holding hands-that was us -me and Ieu not so long ago-happy-no idea what was waiting for me round the corner-my lunch arrives-I get up and pay-I hid tears behind my sunglasses-I didn’t explain-I could hardly breath-I felt so alone-I wanted to scream -“Please God let me wake up from this nightmare !!!!!!”-I went back home-not home any more without my Ieu-we made it a home together-I realize I am now in a living this nightmare…………..that first turned into a last for me-I feel worse-‘Nowbody there knew how much pain I was in-when its you Ieu I’m missing-Nowbody saw how I was desperately suffocating-when it was your breath Ieu for which I was gasping’……………but everyone on this forum will know exactly how I felt…………….
    “I’m falling apart
    I’m barely breathing
    with a broken heart
    that’s still beating”…………Shirley O

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  • Rebecca

    May 29th, 2016 at 11:23 AM

    o shirley o! my broken heart goes out to yours. that was a brave thing to try. i wouldn’t even try. yes. everyone on this forum will know exactly how you felt and i am moved to write you now and send a broken heart to broken heart cyberspace hug. you are eloquent in describing the pain we share. this nightmare. we have no solutions but we share the pain…and know we are normal. but what to do? i do not know. this week a grief counsellor looked at me in astonishment and said even if he had not met me but if the case had been presented he would say i would die in a year or two. steve and i wanted our golden years together. the week before his death i felt ecstatic with our mature love and we had dreams for the rest of our lives. i can’t do my dreams without him and wait now for the grief counselor’s prediction to come true. i can barely function today and just checked on here before going out to lie in the sun in the back yard. i realized i have been wearing my self out pushing pushing pushing in the realm of the mundane. now i need to rest. maybe you do to. tho so often rest turns into panic as i feel i am in solitary confinement and a burden on others. to love and be loved is he height of life in my opinion. a shared life has meaning. we know that. i suspect i am not alone in feeling i have crash landed from a lofty place. the lofty place of loving and being loved by the soul mate, the love of my life. all we can offer one another is affirmation of normalcy….our pain not this ” new normal” some people will find and not us…..and any clues on how to cope. i say rest at home and know you are not the only one going thru this. i know it offers little comfort but i send the drop i have to you. and others on here with blessings and hope that we can somehow have a few moments of relief until….what? we share the impossible wish. we want our mates back. my good wishes are for you…….and us all…..from my own nightmare which might find a bit of relief on a blanket in the sun……
    :.(……

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  • Vivian

    May 29th, 2016 at 5:31 PM

    Shirley O. This is a nightmare and each one of us is living it every day. After 11 months I thought that I could deal but I will tell you that the past 3 days, especially the nights, are truly exasperating. I can’t turn off the TV because then my mind just races and all I can think of is that never again will I see him, hold him, kiss him or talk to him. I play games on my iPad to distract my mind and even when I do that, the question keeps coming, why? I watch movies that I have seen a million times just for the noise. So every day I try very hard to find something to do to make the day go by. When I am with friends or family I may seem ok for a while but then I have this need to be alone. I still write in a journal every day. It is like I am talking to him. It sounds silly but it feels like I am engaging him to listen. No one really knew me but him. I could truly be myself and not only was is ok, it’s what he loved about me, he loved me for me. That was awesome.
    Some people say that they can’t look at photos because it makes it worse, well yes, I do cry when I see us together but I have photos all around me. I have even made a photo book with the story of our love and even though I cried a lot, it was a labor of love that I will cherish forever.

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  • Shirley

    May 29th, 2016 at 7:05 PM

    Dear Left behind, My husband passed away March 6/2016, and I feel just like you do, I miss him so much it hurts. I feel as if I don’t know how to live without him, he was my best friend, my soul mate, All I do is cry as well. I have gone t o grief counselling, but it doesn’t help, I find nothing helps. I try to keep busy, but everything is a chore now. nothing seems important anymore. Life is just work, and goes on, with no meaning. Heartbroken

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 29th, 2016 at 9:03 PM

    o vivian. yes this: “No one really knew me but him. I could truly be myself and not only was is ok, it’s what he loved about me, he loved me for me. That was awesome.” …me too. o shirley. what you say. me too. oh. oh oh. heartbroken. yes. everything you say. yes. how many of us are there like this? o o o……
    :.(…….

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  • Shirley O

    May 30th, 2016 at 1:36 PM

    Everywhere I read there are 6 stages to our grief…………guess you have all just like me read everythning there is to read about the six stages of grief well -My version is the six stages of grief are as follows……….
    1-Shock and Sadness
    2-Overwhelming Sadness
    3-Incomprehensible Sadness
    4-Crippling Sadness
    5-Misery and despair
    6-Realisation and Acceptance of My Never-Ending Sadness…………
    * Alive or just about breathing…..
    The worst type of crying is the silent one-the one when you can’t breathe anymore…
    The one when you again realize the person that meant the most to you……
    Is GONE forever……………………………………forever and ever………………………..GONE……
    As the world moved forward……I stood in great darkness………..Frozen-broken-shattered into pieces….
    When I realized it was real…………….you were GONE………….Forever…………..GONE…..
    ………YOUR DEATH CHANGED ME-IT TOOK ME WITH YOU………..
    I know my heartache will never go away until my heart stops beating and my last breath is taken. – Shirley O

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  • Shirley O

    May 30th, 2016 at 2:04 PM

    *Thanks Rebecca -I feel your pain because I know-it hurts knowing there is nothing I can do to help but return a biggest understanding hug………..this hurt never goes away you know-I know-everyone here knows………….Vivian yes we are all suffering the exact same -all here at different stages of intense grief………..having lost our love-our life together-our dreams-our future so cruelly taken away …………..
    Rebecca and Vivian thanks-sure you understand why I wrote my 6 stages of grief above…………………..I find writing lets me try and say how I’m feeling though honestly there are no words to describe this pain and heartbreak but somehow it helps and hopefully helps others on this forum -and maybe the just knowing we are not alone…………………………..Shirley O.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    May 30th, 2016 at 9:01 PM

    kissing his drivers license photo. reading your words on here, you who know of pain. now trying to write of / to my love on my private page= word processing not to be shared for a long time. appreciating you all. thank you. memorial day ending. cats sleeping on the bed. blessings to all

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  • Jackie

    May 31st, 2016 at 12:09 PM

    Hi everyone,
    I haven’t written in a bit, the sadness hasn’t left, no joy has yet returned, it has been 9 months now. I guess I am just going to accept that my so called “new life”, isn’t really a life at all. Just getting through the days. I have been going out for lunch or dinner by myself and see people together, it is so very difficult, but I don’t want to sit in the house alone all the time either. I kiss Mark’s picture every time I leave the house. I am starting to get tired of talking about me to my friends and family. I keep thinking how much “me” can they take, they have lives too and I know I don’t seem very interested. I am just tired and lost truly. My cat is my comfort right now, she sleeps beside me, pets are wonderful if you can have one. Wishing everyone an easier time, we must keep trying as there is no alternative. Our husbands and wives would want that for us , as we would for them.

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  • Rebecca

    May 31st, 2016 at 6:08 PM

    yes jackie they would but i don’t know if i can. my cats too are a comfort. our cats. our little frida has diabetes and her sugar went too high and i had to have her at the vet over the weekend getting checked and thanks be she is home and well. i love her so. today is 32 weeks to the day. it’s true friends can’t listen. it’s great this place on line is here. i am crying now and going out to walk and then come in and give insulin and go to bed early. i guess 32 weeks is…over 7 months but not 8. this is too hard. i can’t see the future all i want is the past. good wishes to you and all. wishes and tears. i don’t think i can manage…i am getting weaker. i do not know where i will find strength. all be well. ciao and MIAO

    Reply

  • Scott J

    June 3rd, 2016 at 8:29 AM

    Four months today since my wife, Minnie, died.
    It’s not getting any easier.

    Reply

  • Shirley

    June 3rd, 2016 at 12:43 PM

    It’s been 3 months since my husband passed, I still cry every night and wake up crying as well, it does seen to get harder, life has no purpose anymore

    Reply

  • lea

    June 6th, 2016 at 2:42 PM

    Its been a little over a month since my husband passed. He was 37 I am 36. He died from bladder cancer. I feel the same life has no meaning I pray everyday to get sick and die so I can join him. Im so lonely and most of all Lost. I feel so lost.I want to call him but I cant.When I go home at the end of the day is the worse. I feel desperate. I dont know if I can get through this honestly I dont know.

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 3rd, 2016 at 11:08 AM

    scott. 7+ months here. i don’t know who these people are for whom it gets easier or who these people are who say it will.. i like this honest group. wth you in sorrow. it is horrible. just saying i know how you feel.
    take care as much as you can. i don’t know what will become of us. my grief counsellor said i would die soon as sometimes when couples are close on dies then the other. i am worried about cat care. will get my will done. cannot imagine life without steve. all i want is time to go back. this is not much to say but it might help one drop. i know how you feel. with you across the miles. i count the weeks. it’s 32 weeks and 3 days sadder and sadder. what can be done i don’t know. glad we have this forum. the sun shines here in iowa. it seems trite to say take care. drink water. a tiny bit of help is all we can give ourselves and one another. good wishes to all. thanks to this on line life line. blessings and tears…..

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 3rd, 2016 at 2:03 PM

    just read some more posts.not sure how we are going to do this. i feel like i can’t manage at all.

    all take care thanks and thanks

    Reply

  • Janice

    June 3rd, 2016 at 6:33 PM

    Sending blessings to each of you…another weekend…Rebecca said it–WHO SAID it got easier?? It doesn’t. I can’t believe I have now lived (merely existed) for seven months without Werner–it is profoundly WORSE–i am now having severe anxiety and panic attacks and really don’t want to see a doctor. I am not functioning well, but seem to be a good actress, because I’ve heard that “people” think I’m “doing well” — they don’t have a clue. YOU all know! Not much to add here, just needed to read the latest posts and see how everyone is doing. Glad to hear again from Jackie — “tired and truly lost” you said — so true. This whole way of life is truly appalling and is not how I want to be. But my life, our live together is gone forever and ever. It’s history. Beautiful words about sadness, Shirley O — thank you for that…I appreciate each and every one of you…

    Reply

  • Scott J

    June 4th, 2016 at 8:40 PM

    I went to a friend’s, daughter’s graduation party today and my friend, a pastor, decided he was going to take me aside and attempt to do grief counseling with me. As a pastor he has been trained in and has performed grief counseling for years, yet today was the day he decided he was going to counsel me. It was a very bizarre situation to say the least. According to him, his closest experience with death was to have a cousin die when he was younger.
    I let him babble on for a bit, but when he told me about his “experience and pain with death” I stopped him and told him he didn’t have a clue and I wasn’t about to listen to him try and relate to what I’m going through.
    You would think that someone who has that much experience would know better.
    And people wonder why all I will say to them anymore when they ask how I’m doing is…. “FINE, JUST FINE”
    Why do people want to fix me all the time?

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 5th, 2016 at 1:06 PM

    Scott, I find myself “acting” in front of certain “well-meaning” people. They have no clue what this pain, this emptiness, this sadness we all feel. I don’t engage this people because I just want to scream when I hear what they have to say. It’s been 11 months since Raul died and I notice that even people who were understanding seem a little annoyed when all I do is speak of Raul. So this grief, which will be part of me for the rest of my life, will stay with me and I will only truly share it with people like us. One thing I have done is stop caring what people think. That may sound callous but I used to worry about not offending people. But now, they are all going to have to get used to what I choose to do. If I want to stay home and cry, then so be it. I used to answer to Raul, now I only have to answer to me.

  • berna

    June 6th, 2016 at 9:23 PM

    Scott,

    been a while since I last wrote here and im feeling sad that there are new members.. everyday there are new members.. I think time won’t come when I would understand (as people say I would) the reason why I am left here, alone. anyway, yeah, I want to say exactly to people what you just said to the pastor.. that they didn’t have the smallest clue of how we feel, of what’s happening with me at night.. of how I struggle chasing sleep.. of what’s really going on inside me.. everything’s a chaos inside. and these people do not know.. they’re expecting you to smile and act happy. wow! that’s too hard. been almost 4 months (or 5 cause he was coma for a month before that) but unlike some of you I try hardest to forget counting the days because it’s only hurting me worse. but trying to forget does not hurt me any lesser. many nights I pray “please, no more tomorrow morning” but I am still here, I wonder how heartbreak isn’t killing me yet.. this is odd because I can’t even take care of my own self but I want to say to you and to the rest of us here, take care.. just breathe.

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 4th, 2016 at 9:51 PM

    with you all. what janice says. all yes. i too appreciate this forum and you all. on we go. thank you for be ing. it’s too hard. blessings.

    Reply

  • Shirley O.

    June 5th, 2016 at 2:56 AM

    Hi Janice I had severe anxiety attacs and crippling panic attacks and I to didn’t want to go to the Dr’s but reading Rich’s kind words when I couldn’t decide helped me and I did-and thankfully after great persuasion and accepting a little help I was given a mild dose of Citalopram -looked at the packet for weeks then after I just couldn’t take any more of I took one -yes dosage is mild mild but I nearly stopped taking them as side effects were unpleasant but I persevered and yes though medication just takes the edge off the anxiety and Panic attacks they have eased-I should have gone to GP months ago-we don’t have to suffer in silence-this was a massive decision for me just like you fighting with your inner self that its grief and we all have to go through this horrendous journey -pain and grief will never go away and I don’t belive it gets easier we just somehow with help or not have to learn to live with it-its the price we pay for true love-I hope this helps a little and maybe will help someone else on this forum make a decision -I just feel the pressure and heaviness I had in my head and heart seems to be just a little lighter and believe me any relef is welcoming in order to make sense of this new unfamiliar strange and lonely world were in right now especially when its the last place we wanted and expected to be-we had no choice but we do have choices in accepting the help but only when its right for you-your choice and however long you take to decide you can ony try and help yourself find a way to survive this living nightmare- sending caring hugs to everyone here and take care!-Shirley O

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 5th, 2016 at 12:57 PM

    Shirley O. I take Alprazolam when I get those anxiety moments. I don’t take them often and sometimes just take half. It takes the edge off and allows me to continue. I took Citalopram for a few weeks but I noticed no difference. After that, the doctor wanted to give me a very mild dose of Prosac but after a few days, all I got was a constant low grade headache, so I refused to take anymore.

    Reply

  • Rich

    June 6th, 2016 at 4:21 AM

    Shirley:
    I stopped taking Lorazepam 3 weeks back. I never took prescription medication before and Janet was a big opponent to that type of medication. I heard her very clearly in my head telling me to “man up” and stop taking it. I did and had a headache for 3 days which I attribute to withdrawl. I was always very critical of people that took certain medications on an ongoing basis but was surprised at how dependent I became on it. Changed my understanding completely. If you take medication please limit it and if possible try to skip a day or so every now and then.
    I have been going to Grief Share and not getting anything out of it until session 9 when they said that everyone is on “loan”. I am thankful for the 34 years we had together and I would do all again even if I knew that we were going to be “short changed”. My prayer are with you all of you.

    Rich

    PS; Poodles says Hi.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 6th, 2016 at 11:12 AM

    Rich, I completely agree. As much as I hate losing Raul, I never regretted one second of my time with him.

  • Rebecca

    June 5th, 2016 at 1:41 PM

    glad for shirley o. glad to check in on here. i am in bed on a sunny day in terror. i feel like i can’t go on i really do. living nightmare. i want my steve or i can’t go on. you understand. he is gone so i can’t go on. need to get my will done and find someone to care for kitties. i can’t make it. i can’t. did any of you feel like this? of course you do….thank you. desperate. do not think i can survive. no idea what to do…need to carry on a little while then…give up? what other choice? can’t manage. sorry to add to the chorus of sad but you all are the best. thank you.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 5th, 2016 at 4:58 PM

    Rebecca, yes you can. We have to go on, I know that is what Raul wanted. As difficult as this is and believe me, yes, I have been that desperate, we need to go on day by day. For me, I had very weird things that kept me surviving. Someone gave me advice to own your grief but keep moving. I shower every morning, I make my bed, some days crying uncontrollably , but I did it every day, the TV is always on and even though I couldn’t watch certain programs, I started watching a lot of reruns. Most of the time, I didn’t even pay attention, but the noise helped. I go to sleep with the TV on because the quiet gets my mind going in places that make me desperate. I write to Raul in my journal every day. I even play mindless games on my computer.
    My dad died 4 weeks ago and I didn’t think I would survive. However, I had to do what I needed to do. Make decisions of his house, which had not been touched since my mom died 6 years ago, distribute furnishings and furniture, arrange for movers and make the house ready to sell. I sometimes feel like it is too much but I can’t stop, I need to move on and Raul was such a special and precious human being that I want to earn that place in heaven with him. It may sound silly but I wouldn’t want to jeopardize never seeing him again. I live for that hope, but I must wait until God decides it is my time.
    I hope this helps. We are all here for you.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 6th, 2016 at 12:09 AM

    vivian you sound heroic. your dad too o my. so sorry. shirley o and v what is Citalopram?
    vivian thanks for the pep talk. i pick dates to end my life and then think i won’t be done with what i have to do. it seems like not living…. this grief. but something is changing now. i had a weekend of lots of contact w ppl some stopping by one by one some on the phone. i do not know if i can go on. i don’t know if i will collapse by natural grief or take something out of desperation. but it will not happen yet. there are many times i think i will crack but i keep trying. this weekend i stayed in bed. it helped. i did not dress or go out much. (* i walked the yard a bit…my nightie looks like a dress..) i had exhausted myself. in the preceding days. i slept finally after 32 weeks. who was talking about ppl who talk about divorce? i get that too. also completely different:i had this woman very nice talk w me and say we saved her husbands life! because of what happened to steve when her hub had tummy pains she took him to the hospital…a success story…i wish ours had not turned to tragedy. i am managing a bit more but so sad. i do not think i should have more years than my love. i do not want to have all suffering. i would rather be dead. it’s like a diagnosis of a terminal disease. i think the oregon method should apply to mental and emotional pain as well. i have nobody who would miss me. my person is gone. i will have to provide for the cats. i will not do this in a hurry. i am not in oregon and they wouldn’t cooperate anyway it’s just what i think about. but i will give this misery some time. i miss steve so much and life is not life to me and i am sure he did not have to die….we were not savvy and i am here to regret it. it is not that i think my life is not worth while it is that i am not convinced i can endure the pain. not doing anything fast. thanks you all. take care. thanks so so so so much.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 6th, 2016 at 10:44 AM

    Rebecca, not heroic, I am in survival mode. But I will tell you this. Raul and I have been through tough times and he was the one who always eased my fears and worries but he always said one thing with great conviction, God has never let us down. Well, even though I admit I have not been too happy with God for taking him away, I keep hearing that in my subconscious. Maybe all this chaos is helping me somehow. I have made some decisions. One is I will grieve my way without caring what others think. I will keep some of his things as long as I want, I will keep his ashes with me. I will wear his watch and wear his ring on a chain. I will talk about him incessantly even when people tire of it. I will keep writing to him every day, sometimes several times a day. I will grieve my way. But I need to go on, for him. He would never forgive me if I didn’t and I lived my whole live making him happy just like he lived his making me happy.

    It’s funny but when people used to tell me, you are blest because you knew a love that most people will never have, I used to get upset because I only felt that it did not diminish my pain of the fact that he is gone!? But I have to admit, I was so blessed. The questions, never cease, however, why does God want me to live without him? What did I do wrong? Other people survive cancer, why wasn’t he spared? Should I have noticed? When these questions get in my head, I get desperate and don’t think I can go on. Wine helps (in moderation) but it does calm me a little.
    All I want to say is that I am here. If you need to talk, I’m here.

    Reply

  • pat

    June 6th, 2016 at 9:25 AM

    I thought I could return to work today to try and regain some sanity. Don’t know what I was thinking. A colleague picked me up and my boss took me into an office and said I was nowhere near ready. I was shaking and an emotional wreck. Also lost about 30 pounds. My colleague took me home. A friend called in this afternoon and we spoke a great deal about my lovely husband who spoke his last words to me 25/5/16. I offered her 2 of his framed photos (he is a photographer) which were on my lounge wall. She had often admired them and I know they are going to a good home. That made me feel good and she was quite overcome. I have another good frien calling round this evening. One of my friends I have not been able to see as I reckon her comments would mean the end of our friendship i.e. how can divorce or the death of a parent can even come close to what I am feeling but she reckons she understands!! I am keeping certain people at arms length for my benefit and theirs. My boss and my friend were both just wonderful today so I draw some comfort from that. My friend says she remembers David and I sitting on the couch holding hands and says that must have felt wonderful after 40 years. For a little while I just felt so lucky but then the sadness and emptiness return. I remember trying to be there for my mother after my father died and I could see the pain in her eyes for the 15 years she lived on. Is this what wee have to look forward to? My daughter is due her 1st baby in 6 weeks and David was so looking forward to it. We have 3 other grandchildren to my son but I have not felt up to a visit yet. He thinks I am being selfish as I am a granny so he has not been to see me since we left the hospital. (David was taken there although he died in my arms at home so suddenly)He donated his body to the university so there was no funeral. My other son has been my rock and been there every step of the way. My daughter sorted all the practical stuff and has been brilliant.Anyway as I look at the clock I realise I have got through another day. I miss the way he kissed me on the forehead every night before we went to sleep. I just miss him so much. I had to phone social work today and she said is there anything else I can help you with and I said ‘only if you can bring my husband back’.Tears flowing again………………..

    Reply

  • pat

    June 7th, 2016 at 12:22 AM

    A good friend popped in to see me last night. His wife died 20 years ago. I look at him and wonder how he carries on. His sister died last November. All his focus had been on her for the last 5 years. He is going today to pack up house contents as her house has been sold. My daughter suggested I help him and he accepted. At least it will keep me busy for part of the day and I shall be able maybe to help someone else in their grief. Only thing is I am not sure I have the energy. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow for me and I just feel so tired of this struggle already. I actually sent my divorced friend my post from yesterday and she hadn’t realised how I had really been feeling. Perhaps we should explain better to well meaning friends that we don’t want/need their advice. Just a blether and chatting about David even through my tears is enough. I find I get so anxious when people tell me what to do.I will move David’s glasses, wallet, phone, toothbrush etc…when I am ready (if ever). I cannot even sit in our lounge because he is not beside me but as my daughter said ‘it doesn’t matter mum – just sit somewhere else’.Some people are truly understanding.

    Reply

  • Jackie

    June 7th, 2016 at 7:49 AM

    Hi Everyone,
    Welcome Pat, I know this is a club no one wants to belong to, but at least we have people that understand here. Unless you have lived through this horrible, sad , nightmare it is difficult to even begin to understand all of the changes it brings and the emptiness you feel. Rich, I was reading about your Lorazepam , I have a prescription in my purse that I haven’t filled. Many years ago after a stressful time ( although nothing is now as bad as this is), I took this medication for about 5 months. I took half a pill sometimes and then actually had worse anxiety when I was off of it and felt forced to take another 1/2. It was addictive to me I think and I was afraid to try it again, it took me another 6 months to finally stop taking it that first time. Pat , I also work and went back quickly because quite honestly I didn’t know what to do with myself at home, home was and still really is no longer “home”, Home was with Mark and now it is just a place to go. It has been 10 months and no it isn’t easier, it is just there, I still wake up with no joy, I just get by day by day. Can I ask all of you who are reading, have you felt true joy or happiness yet ? I am just wondering if it is only me who wakes up each morning completely joyless at the thought of another day. Crying again as I am writing.

    Reply

  • Rich

    June 7th, 2016 at 11:31 AM

    Jackie:
    Janet was my joy. How can it ever come back without her?
    Rich

    Reply

  • pat

    June 7th, 2016 at 11:11 AM

    Cried nearly all morning which left me so exhausted had to lie down. Daughter took me to doctors appointment.I told him I am so angry doctor didn’t call on the Monday as promised but merely phoned. He said he would find out and will see me again on Friday. My daughter took me to her house to show me presents she had received at her baby shower last Saturday.I had been unable to attend which she understands but I feel so guilty.Difficult to be with her as I can’t feel her joy. Doctor thinks I need professional help as I rerun David’s death on 25/5/16 in my head constantly. I saw the fear as he collapsed in my arms and then he said ‘I’m going, I’m going, I’m sorry’ then nothing just his big brown beautiful eyes staring at me.I go and sit on the floor where we were.I had been with him since I was 17 so don’t know who I am without him at 59.He got me and I got him. No explanations necessary even through ups and downs. Only when we were together was I truly me. We all have a work persona, a friend persona etc…but with David we were one. Been sitting here crying since my daughter brought me home. Just felt exhausted trying to put on a brave face – such a struggle (she only has 6 weeks to baby due). Only on this site can I actually express part of how I feel. Don’t know what help the doctor is going to offer but I suppose I shall have to give it a try. Still losing weight daily and don’t really recognise the person looking back at me when I brush my hair in the morning (the only time I dare look in the mirror). I have palpitations and dizzy turns and hope I will have a heart attack and go but then feel for my daughter who will need me in a few weeks. I can only hope I am able to be there for her. Who knows. At the moment I long for my sleeping pill and go to sleep for a short time. Still up wondering about aimlessly in the early hours. Never go to bed early as I miss our cuddle and kiss we had every night. Still cannot believe I will not see him again. Neither of us were religious. My daughter did manage to finalise details of a memorial bench for David overlooking the river and where we would go when we first met. Tears just never stop and the ache never subsides.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 7th, 2016 at 6:59 PM

    Pat, everything you have said is how we were. We were better together. The goal of everything we did as to find time alone together. Some people need to be out in a group, we were happy just the two of us. I could truly be me with him and he adored me. Everything I did, I thought of him first, I always wanted to know what could I do to make him happy. He always told me all I had to do was to be me and love him. Easy. He was my perfect love, we were completely and passionately in love for 34 years.

    Reply

  • pat

    June 7th, 2016 at 11:12 PM

    I understand Vivian. I was only a young lassie when we got together. Our marriage was not perfect. We had our ups and downs but it was us. I truly have no idea who I am now. I don’t think I really want to know. I was so happy being at 1 with David. Woke half an hour ago and looked to his side of the bed but he wasn’t there. It’s heart wrenching. Everyone says give it time , the pain is raw but I’m not so sure. Just too much to bear. When he was ill and I was caring for him he said I should have a life and I told him ‘you are my life’.He would just smile. If only I could see that smile again. Some say it should be a comfort that I was with him as he took his last breath and spoke to me but I also saw fear as I held his hand then he was gone. I truly feel there is no way back for me. His last words were ‘I’m sorry’ because he knew how lost I would be without him. It is truly a living nightmare.

  • Francisca

    June 12th, 2016 at 7:42 PM

    Hugs Pat! I know I know how you feel, your sadness and misery
    I can only offer you my hug and thought

    Reply

  • Francisca

    June 7th, 2016 at 1:40 PM

    Dear Jackie
    Joy, happiness is not the same anymore. I do go back to whatever I have to do day by day but it is no longer the same. I smile, laugh, listening to friend’s story attentively but at that exact time also feeling emptiness and hollow. I eat, shower, get ready, doing all the daily activities but it is not the same anymore. I feel lost in time. At this moment, I have been avoiding talking about my husband or even browsing through his or our photos. You said you were crying when you typed, that is the same reason I don’t talk nor looking at his photos too long. Heart broken to go through that and knowing I am no longer able to touch him again

    Reply

  • Jackie

    June 10th, 2016 at 11:12 AM

    Today would have been Mark’s 57th birthday. I was dreading it and thinking about we did last year. It isn’t as bad as I thought, friends met me for coffee and we walked around a mall for a while. I guess it wasn’t that bad because every day isn’t really very good. I also feel lost like you Francisca, do daily activities I guess because we have to but no joy, no feeling of comfort, looking forward to just going home and having Mark there waiting for me asking ” why are you so late”, when I said I would be home at one time, or texting me. Just the comfort. No, it wasn’t always perfect, but we loved each other and it was my life.

    Reply

  • Lea

    June 11th, 2016 at 1:57 PM

    I feel the exact same way! I lost my husband a little over a month ago. Everyday I feel lost and for some reason I wait and hope he will text me or I will go home to find him but of course I don’t and everyday my heart breaks I cry a lot it very lonely without him I miss him so very much.

    Reply

  • Tj

    June 10th, 2016 at 1:11 PM

    Almost 7 months for me I miss my Tommy I cry everyday some days I pray just to make it through the day. It isn’t getting easier today I can feel him and the pain is excruciating ………..

    Reply

  • pat

    June 11th, 2016 at 9:05 AM

    Been helping a friend pack up his sister’s house (she died last November). I could take breaks whenever I wanted and there was no pressure. He brought me home chatted for 5 minutes. As soon as he left I just broke down in tears as the realisation David isn’t here flooded back. Can’t stop crying. This is just too much to bear. Had to use the bathroom where he said his words and just can’t take it anymore. It is only day 17 and already I can sense friends pulling back from me. Think they are fed up with my gloom. Too bad – I can be a recluse. Don’t think I would be here if it wasn’t for my family. Such a struggle to talk about anything and put a brave face on.Please someone tell me how do we carry on. It’s getting worse by the day.

    Reply

  • mputterman

    June 11th, 2016 at 12:54 PM

    Hi Pat,
    Day 17 is so early, I remember looking around my house like the end of the world happened, the end of my world. It is going to be a year in a few months, do I feel any better, I would lie by saying I do, but it is a bit different now, my husbands death was sudden and I relive it, I am sad driving around my city. Every day is not easy but it is getting hard not to notice that it is nice outside, I realize I see things like this a bit now. My world as yours has been just dumped out on the floor and how do we pick up the pieces, I am beginning to see we have to go on , for them and for ourselves. I remember all my last words and last week of his life – I am trying to think ahead now instead of so much in the past. I also noticed friends backing off and some have, you really know who you can count on it is a true showing of a person. I actually don’t want to be a recluse any more, I want to have a life, it is too hard to live half alive. We would not want this for them. Just hang on, I promise you while it doesn’t get better, we sort of adjust to the terrible new normal. Maybe one day we will have a new kind of happiness, I hope that for each of us.

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  • pat

    June 12th, 2016 at 1:46 AM

    Woke to another day without him. Tears flow immediately. I always looked forward to our Sundays – leisurely breakfast, visit family or go shopping then David would cook a roast for us late afternoon. Simple pleasures but we were so content. What now another day looming ahead. Have swallowed a couple of pills but still stomach churning and tears flowing. This is unbearable, Mputterman I congratulate you on your strength and positivity. Just don’t see that coming my way. Friends suggest I go out more etc… but I don’t have the energy to put on a brave face while inside I am wailing. Leaves me feeling too exhausted. They just don’t understand that I am broken beyond repair.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 12th, 2016 at 10:15 AM

    hi people. did i already say i got diagnosed w complicated grief and ptsd? there will be no new normal for me. i am trying to preserve Steve’s papers. this house is a disaster. I’ve found some people to employ part time. if any of you are near Iowa i’d pay you. i need to be surrounded by people who understand as i sift thru bits of paper that reflect but are not my beloved Steve’s life. just bits i feel called to save. and some of my own. then i think i will collapse. it’s such sad work. now is a Jewish holiday. receiving of the Torah. it’s not as hot as forecast. i will have some cold soup and then rest in sun. really exhausted myself this week. so in love with Steve and still in denial and shock 33 weeks 5 days now. i get busy and the sad goes under the surface. then it busts out. anyhow there is a job here i can’t manage. all ideas welcome. be as well as you can….we probably cannot be very well can we? ciao and miao…….sorry to spread this sad feeling……most ppl don’t want to hear about it. you know. thanks all ciao miao….kitty loves comfort me and grieve Steve too……

    Reply

  • pat

    June 12th, 2016 at 12:42 PM

    A ‘friend ‘ has messaged me today citing her divorce from her husband years ago as being the same!!She then went onto to tell me that both her sisters lost their husbands to cancer but they have dealt with it. Good for them was my short reply. She wonders why I have not visited her or invited her out. Think if I actually saw her in person we would never speak again. I told her my daughter and I went through David’s books today. (David and I had been planning to go through them all anyway so I felt that was ok). I kept about a quarter of them. One in particular was a recipe book he had bought for me and inscribed ‘all my love to Pat 2/11/1976’. How I wish we could go back to then even to struggle through the hard times. I used to keep a diary when we were young. I looked at the date our daughter was born and although I was ecstatic to have my baby I had actually written ‘missing David tonight’ because I was in hospital. What chance do I have now as missing him constantly with no light at end of the tunnel. Don’t know how my ‘friends’ sisters got over it and I don’t care. This is about David and I – our special bond. My 3 children popped in at various times today and although David and I always welcomed our children we always said ‘at last’ made a cup of tea and sat down together. These moments just break my heart. Tears flowing as usual. The hurt and pain unbearable.

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  • Lea

    June 12th, 2016 at 8:11 PM

    Life pretty much sucks! You are so right about no light at the end of the tunnel. I took my 6 year old to the movies something my husband and I always did together. I’m glade it was dark because I cried through out the movie. I cry everyday through out everyday. I see dad’s with their kids and it hurts. I live in Houston and a husband and wife and brother died this week in a small plane crash and I am actually jealous that the husband and wife got to go together. I wish so badly I could have died with my husband. I am completely lost and feel desperate constantly.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 13th, 2016 at 4:22 PM

    lea. that’s how i feel. and clueless……it will not stop
    stuck in sad…….. with you take care a drop if you can

  • Anne

    June 14th, 2016 at 1:07 AM

    It’s been a year and two days since my husband of 20 years passed. The feeling of wanting to go or be with them will never go, it’s supposed to get easier to cope but I can’t see how.
    Anne

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 12th, 2016 at 9:43 PM

    pat, with you. your closing sentence 2 above call out to me: ” They just don’t understand that I am broken beyond repair.” and me the same. sigh. what fate….yes what unbearable pain. with you in this. giving it a chance to change but without hope. take care….the tiny bit you can…your wound is fresh….so is mine. 33 weeks and 5 days sad….

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  • Rich

    June 13th, 2016 at 1:44 PM

    OK, just came in from working in the vegetable garden, get a glass of water sit down and the phone rings.
    Even before I pick it up I know it’s a telemarketer but hey, everyone has to make a living and I always politely decline whatever they are pushing. They almost ask for Janet, I tell them Janet passed away and to please take us off the call list. About half the time they apologize and comply, however, the other half like the call today will go right into their pitch taking right over you, hang up or better yet ask if they can call her later (I wish I had that magic phone).
    I am on the do not call lists but since these are “non profits” I understand they are excluded. Doesn’t matter since I am getting rid of the house phone. Problem is I am having a hard time taking things out of Janet’s name. I’m still paying for her cellphone that hasn’t been used in 4 months.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 13th, 2016 at 4:06 PM

    oh pat. others too. i feel like a sinking ship. can’t go on. what to do? no help comes. all i want is my beloved steve. thanks.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 14th, 2016 at 11:22 AM

    anne thanks. you validate my utter despair of today. why do anything without steve. but i have to get his papers to his archive. today is the 34 week anniversary of his death so i want to write about him but now i am immobilized. grief beyond depression. this will not end. i will end. the grief counsellor says i will die of grief. i just want the lawyer to not cancel on me and get some affairs in order. oh rich when i got to the hospital they say is steve who to call and i say yes. when some calls come and say may i speak to steve (phone) i say no and hang up fast. we were happy such a short time ago then our worlds fell apart then we fell down and got stuck. seems like we are all similar. i like this forum. thanks. i hate widowhood and wish steve were alive but i would be glad to know of this for others. just don’t wanna be here no offense wanna be with my living love. or give up. oi. hey rich can you just use janet’s cellphone? i use the one steve left. best to all how ever lowly that best is. best i can do is walk around the yard and then bathe (it’s muddy) oh yeah food. hate this having to remember to eat. not hungry for food hungry for steve’s presence. you know. thanks

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  • pat

    June 14th, 2016 at 12:26 PM

    Like several of you have said ‘it gets worse’. It will be 3 weeks tomorrow and already I feel it getting worse every day. People seem to think you should be ok now and I say ‘I’ll never be ok’. Friends called in from France and she suggested I maybe should start sorting through his things! She was here with her husband (they have been together same length of time as I was with David) and I wanted to scream at her ‘would you 3 weeks after’. Instead I politely said I will do it in my own time and maybe never. His toothbrush is still beside mine and I use his hairbrush every morning. I have been working from home last few days as it helps pass the time. I can’t face going in to work as find people too exhausting and irritating. Just wish he was here so so much. Got shingles yesterday and I know he would have comforted me. Really and truly don’t know if I can exist like this. Spoke to a good friend on the phone today who’s wife died 20 years ago and there’s not a day goes by he doesn’t think of her. I don’t think I could stand 20 days never mind years, I have a councilor coming to see me in a couple of days but I’m already a bit on the defensive with all her talk of ‘fitting me in’. I don’t want to be fitted in I just want my husband back. I still often think it’s been a huge mistake and then when I waken he’s not there. This is awful. Our daughters baby is due in 5 weeks and I can’t feel her joy. What kind of person have I become. The world would really be a better place without me.I even dope myself up on pills when I have never taken meds in my life. I need David so much.I yearn for him every second. I always thought I would turn to drink for some reason but haven’t even had one. Probably because i associate having a drink with happy times which are long gone. My friend from France said you have your memories and I replied but no future. Her husband disagreed but for the moment they have each other. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone but until it happens you can’t feel the pain. It’s a constant ache where the only respite is from sleeping pills. I did tell her if our daughter wasn’t pregnant I wouldn’t be here and she looked at me and said the sad thing is she believed me. Hallelujah. Something she understood. I know have a loving family (mostly) and a few good friends but If I meant they would mourn for a short time then get on with their lives. They don’t really need me. Apart from our daughter but once her baby is born who knows. I don’t particularly want the company of people and I feel this has got worse over the last 3 weeks. I would rather be a recluse. You don’t even have to make any effort to look presentable as most days I don’t have the energy and simply don’t want to. Also almost chain smoking so maybe that will help shorten my life here . I have pain from the shingles and terrible back pain which I never had before so I just swallow more pills. People have actually messaged’are you feeling any better today’. It’s not the flu I’ve got don’t they get that half of me died. How can a half person live on? tears flowing just never stop ……………….

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  • Fran

    June 14th, 2016 at 4:57 PM

    Pat: I truly understand your deep deep pain and grief..June 10th was one year that I lost my soulmate to a horrible work related accident..today June 14th is one year of his memorial service. When he left that morning..he scruffed my head..bent down and kissed me good bye and said “I love you” see you this afternoon..well..my afternoon consisted of my son in law and a deputy coming to my house with the news my husband was killed..For months I lived in a fog..deep grief, sadness, intense crying, lost 35 lbs from not wanting to eat..totally lost..but…I never questioned my Lord Jesus Christ and I prayed all of the time..Everyone deals with the loss according to the individual and I truly want you to know I am beginning to see some ray of sunshine..is it easy? absolutely not..is it the life we invisioned? absolutely not..it is the hand that has been dealt and we MUST take each day at a time..please try to see a little positive of your life..don’t give up..others need you..I still have my days of sobbing and wishing he were beside me..that will never go away..”it won’t get easier..we have to get tougher” as a friend of mine that is a young widow with 2 small children said to me…For me..I continue to do the things we loved doing together..working at the farm..handling our horses..making improvements around the house as I want to complete Charlie’s “to do” list we had planned..Make yourself, as hard as it is, do things that create energy..fix your hair, even cry while doing it..put on a little make up..yes, it’s hard as hell..when people ask me how I’m doing I reply “Im hanging in there”..I also have chosen to hate the word “widow”..in my heart I’m still his earthly wife and always will be so I refer to myself as “flying solo”..Try very hard to pull yourself up..make your husband smile every day..will we ever forget our love..no and don’t want to..we just learn to exist with out them..you have a wonderful event coming with new baby and that little angel will need all your love..stay strong but remember it’s ok to grieve your way just make it a healthy grive..don’t let yourself get down physically..we are already at the pits of hell emotionally yet..one day you will wake up and see the sunshine and be able to smile a little and say “I will do this for you”..

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  • Heather

    June 16th, 2016 at 7:35 PM

    As I sat and read through many of the stories here I read yours too and the stories of grief and sadness are overwhelming. I’m so sorry for this emptiness to entered into your life without permission and those around you can never begin to understand the uniqueness of your relationship and how you feel. I lost my precious daughter at the tender young age of 26 she had been sick for about six years prior , an undiagnosable brain illness the neurologists called it. It was the most horrendous illness to watch as it progressed, muteness, stumbling, falling dementia and eventual full paralysis and then then she could no longer swallow, I had to watch her starve to death with fear in her eyes as she looked to me for help. I was helpless the doctors were useless and in palliative care all the nurses could say was ” you have to say goodbye to her so then she can die”. I didn’t want to say goodbye, I just wanted them to get away from us, I wanted to take her home, I wanted this disease to disappear, I wanted to wake up from this nightmare.
    It’s now been nearly six years since I lost my beautiful girl and I dream of her every night, and it’s not good dreams, they are nightmares, I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality everyday there’s a little less of me , my personality has changed from day to night, I go around trying to act happy but I’m breaking apart on the inside. I’m insecure as hell IM so scared I will end up completely on my own after my parents pass, who will love me?
    Yes this is new normal for me.

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  • Rebecca

    June 14th, 2016 at 4:26 PM

    o pat shingles is part stress. part. so with you. i am 34 weeks today. way worse. 2 counsellors think i am not gonna make it. some of us don’t. smoking will make you sick, i just took a bath i feel better but i am so low no one wants to talk w me. it is the worst thing to happen if you are one with your beloved. the people who get better i think were not deeply in love. this is a night mare. i understand how you feel. take it real slow. whatever you do. the questions you ask are real and good. i never thought i could go on without steve. and i can’t. thinking of you. with you in many ways. just remember take it slow. slow slow……and don’t go to a counsellor in a hurry. take that slow. sleeping pills? i take anti anxiety pills and am glad if they help me sleep. oddly, had a nap today. take care of yourself a tiny bit. you are lucky you have some family and friends. i have my late beloved and cats….to figure how to care for them. xxoo

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  • Pat

    June 15th, 2016 at 8:10 AM

    Exactly 3 weeks to the minute my husband said his last words. Tears are just flowing. How do we cope with this. Have stayed locked away in my little room all day and taken prescribed pills. Don’t think friends or family are even aware. For them just another day but it’s the day my life stopped. Feeling so distraught. I hate myself and this miserable existence.

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  • Sandra

    June 15th, 2016 at 10:51 AM

    ….Pat..I’m 15 months in now….Believe me I know how you feel…We all do. It’s hell on earth for us all….I thought we would be together forever…I even used to fantasize about us dying together when I was younger….There is a part of you that will always feel the same…All I can say is, now, I don’t feel better, but I feel different….Just take it, go through it…You will survive Pat….Whenever I get really low, what I do is, I think of others that have been taken in worse circumstances, it weirdly cheers me up…I met an old school friend not long ago in the supermarket and she told me, her son had committed suicide because his wife had left him and he missed his children, a child is far worse to lose than a spouse ( I think)…I didn’t tell her, but she cheered me up, just a tad, because she probably was in more pain than me..( I would have thought )….Just be strong, take it so slowly…This is the price we pay for love….( Hugs to you Pat, you are not alone)…x

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  • Rebecca

    June 15th, 2016 at 7:23 PM

    oh sandra, what strength you show. oh pat…just logged on here to say don’t hate your self hate the situation.
    i do too. can’t manage the sadness.

    yes all…we are not alone but we are each so alone……..sandra i too ran into a a friend in grocery whose daughter had committed suicide…too much sadness in the world

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  • Vivian

    June 16th, 2016 at 2:26 PM

    The anniversary of Raul’s death is in a little more than 2 weeks. It has been worse these days. After my Dad’s death a month and a half ago the sadness is getting worse. This year has been truly difficult. I found out my cousin committed suicide a week and a half ago. This is bad enough with the loss of the love of my life but things keep happening and I am so tired. I feel like I could sleep for a week.

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  • Sandra

    June 16th, 2016 at 3:09 PM

    …Vivian…Isn’t life cruel?…..A long time ago now, my mother died, 2 months later, my sister’s husband died from cancer, 6 months later my husbands brother died…It just goes on and on, now my husband has gone forever…I’m sitting here thinking about him as I type this….My heart is so weakened by all of this, I feel tired also, weary, trying to carry on what he started with our home… Stuff that is way out of my league, but I do it, I try the best I can for his sake….Everything we are talking about on this forum boils down to one thing…Life….God never sends you what you can’ t handle , ( I am not a religious person by the way)…There’s just this tiny voice in my head, it keeps saying , keep going, you can do it…. I’m worn out. but I know deep down, I’ve got to do it….When I look back to my conversations with my husband before he died ( He had incurable IPF )…I know he was worried about leaving me….So, I feel like I have to make him proud of me, because I’ve carried on just for him, I want him to be proud of me…We can all do it…We have to….Stay strong….x

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  • Scott J

    June 17th, 2016 at 6:35 AM

    I have heard that saying my whole life that “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”.
    I don’t know about the others here, but having Minnie ripped away from me after 40 years is a whole lot more than I can handle.

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  • Carole

    June 18th, 2016 at 7:24 PM

    I know Scott J…I feel the same way having been with my husband (died 10/2015) 42 years. I was with him since I was 15, I know no other life ! He was a lot older then me. All I can do to comfort myself a bit is to feel blessed that I DID have 40+ years with him, as you did with your Minnie. I think of all the others who have lost someone they have only had 1 year with or 5 or 10 or 20….we got 40+. Think if you would have only had 5 years with her…I know its small consolation. But I feel that those who only got a shorter time with their loved one would have given anything to have the 40 years we got with ours. God did give us that gift of time. In my case 35 years ago we experienced a home invasion robbery and my husband was shot 6 times during that. He was in the hospital several months and lived although he elbow was destroyed on one arm and they had to fuse some bones so he could never fully bend his arm again. He or I could have been killed then, but God let us live and have 35 more years together. I try to look at the positive points to keep my sanity during this period of deep grief. Love to you.

  • Vivian

    June 17th, 2016 at 4:44 AM

    Sandra, you are so right. I feel so tired and I keep moving and doing what he would have wanted of me. All these things I find myself needing to do were so easy with him, all these things I need to get done would have been an adventure because being with him was wonderful no matter what. We always said we could be anywhere because whenever we were together, we were home. He was my home and now… but he asked me to be strong and I would never let him down. I miss him so much, it hurts. I need him to hold my hand, to tell me he loves me as he did many times a day, to put his arms around me and to dry my tears. But I go on in a life I never planned.

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  • pat

    June 17th, 2016 at 8:03 AM

    People have said ‘David wouldn’t want you to be like this’. How do they know. He knew I would be which is why his very last words were ‘I’m sorry’. If I had gone first I am sure he would have felt the same even though I wouldn’t have wanted him to be. It’s because we were one that the the pain is unbearable. A friend called in today, it’s 3 years since her husband died unexpectedly and we cried together. She didn’t lie and say time heals. She was going to visit her friend who is dying of cancer and wishes she could swap places. At least her and I understood this never ending suffering. Before David died I used to say to him I didn’t know how she carried on, now I know. It’s just having to waken and endure life for another day. councilor helped a little by saying the way it happened has left me in a state of shock but also that she will help me write letter regarding why when I was promised a house call from the doctor the doctor then just chose to phone me. Also she said it was the doctor that made that judgment call not me. I had asked for a house call and I should get answers why she chose not to come. It won’t bring David back but she should be held accountable for her actions and it may prevent it happening to someone else. I shall draft the letter over the long weekend. I have been working from home all week. It makes the day go quicker then time for pills and sleep. All done in the wee room upstairs where I hide out all day from the world. Taken to having 40 winks in afternoon hugging my husband’s dressing gown. Shingles meds make me tired and working makes me tired. I don’t have any dreams but always waken with a start and tears. Being awake is the nightmare.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 17th, 2016 at 9:49 AM

    pat . with you. love the beginning of what you say. so true . steve would want me to be me and we always knew if he died i would not manage and he promised to outlive me but as i said at his funeral 34 weeks and a day ago there are some promises you can’t keep. i feel myself to be falling apart and want nothing but my beloved steve back. mine. as much as i am his. it’s a lie that it gets better or the wound scars over. i mean it may be true for some. for others of us the wound festers and gets deeper and deeper. it’s not what we do. one step at a time and so forth. it’s who we are, how we are made. 40 winks in the afternoon hugging your husband’s dressing gown sounds wonderful. take comfort where you can. a good weekend to all…ha ha good weekend…i’ve taken preemptive strikes against the bottoming out of it and ppl will stop by to share food tonight and tomorrow. (then they will leave and i will bottom out? i am beginning to think if i have ok time it is followed by doubly not ok time anyone else?) in any case good wishes from and to the land of sorrow…as good a wish as there can be. the weather is perfect and flowers bloom but i want to show them to my beloved…you know that one. ciao miao woof

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  • pat

    June 18th, 2016 at 6:12 AM

    I never realised it was possible to feel so unhappy. My heart is completely broken. So many palpitations and dizzy turns today feel my end may not be far off.Tears never really stop.

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  • Sandra

    June 18th, 2016 at 12:47 PM

    ..Pat…It’s very very early days for you….I’m so sorry you feel so bad….I don’t think time really heals either, but what it does, is let you feel different, different enough to be able to come to terms and cope….After 15 months I’m still crying, did today reading something related to my situation on-line….I’m waiting now patiently….day in and day out for acceptance to kick in…It’s coming , slowly….I know you feel like dying yourself probably, I did…I try and stay as busy as I can…When I get fleeting moments when I forget, I feel like my old life is back, I feel content till my memory kicks back in, then I feel guilty for feeling happy without him….Cry, kick, scream, do whatever it takes for you to cope…Hang on in Pat….You’ll get there….Big hugs…..x

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  • pat

    June 18th, 2016 at 2:42 PM

    A strange day today. Apart from a phone call from my neighbour to see how I was doing and a couple of texts I hadn’t spoken to a soul all day.It reminded me so much of some weekends where David and I had no visitors and had just been together in the house and really appreciated each other’s company.We didn’t feel the need to go out and socialise and much as we loved our children we really liked our quiet weekends together but today it felt like a knife in my heart without him. It wasn’t that I really needed company I just need him.Then about an hour ago my daughter and her partner turned up for a coffee and it did lift my mood a little. I don’t believe in afterlife, spirits, religion etc… and neither did David but it was so unusual for her to turn up at 9pm. Now I have taken my pill and will be in bed shortly and get some respite while I sleep. My neighbour that phoned has been a widow for 30 years and she still misses her husband and can find it difficult to be without him in the sitting room. We all seem to be condemned to a joyless existence but I suppose the best we can do is console, listen and empathise with each other.My most difficult feeling for now is wanting to share with David things people have been saying and little stories they have told me.My neighbour was telling me tonight that her granny lived in the block that David lived in until he was 5 years old. The strange coincidence is I was living in that same block when David and I got together when I was 17 and I so wanted to share this story with him but at least I was able to tell my daughter and ramble it on here. Thank you all for your comments and making me feel I am not going mad. Goodnight.

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  • Vivian

    June 19th, 2016 at 7:38 AM

    Scott, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is something that people don’t know what they are saying in this situation. “Handling” this is not something we had ever thought we needed to do. Maybe we continue to live but that doesn’t even begin to help us to enjoy life when everything we do is want them with us. No matter how many wonderful things can happen in this world, these things will happen without Raul sharing them with me and that just makes them joyless and me, very lonely. How can you explain that you could be among many people and even people who love you and feel completely alone?

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  • pat

    June 19th, 2016 at 12:30 PM

    Just realised tonight I haven’t even showered or changed my clothes for a week nor been out the door. What is happening to me feel I am going mad just eaten up with sorrow, Have appt with solicitor tomorrow so suppose I’ll have to wash in the morning. Our daughters baby is due in 4 weeks and I am so worried for her that I won’t have the strength to share her joy as David was looking forward to her birth so much. Can’t stem the tears at all. I am convinced nobody would truly miss me. They miss their dad but I can see them recovering as I did when my father died many years ago so they would recover once I am gone. My zest for life has gone. I am no longer so I don’t know what to do so I do nothing. Everywhere I look I see David. This is too unbearable.

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  • pat

    June 19th, 2016 at 1:33 PM

    I agree Vivien. It is actually worse when you are in company as you are either putting on a brave face or making others feel miserable. I think I prefer just to feel utter despair on my own but family and friends are worrying I never want to go out the door (my son will go shopping and fill my fridge in an attempt to make me eat.They call in some evenings to have a meal with me to encourage me to eat also as weight has dropped dramatically.I sound ungrateful and I truly do appreciate their compassion but it’s not enough. I have a pain in my left calf and am wondering tonight if it could be blood clot (which is what took my David from me) or if it is shingles pain. Took aspirin anyway as couldn’t put my daughter through any more stress (she has 4 weeks to birth of first baby) otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered.Looked in the mirror a short time ago and don’t know who it was looking back at me. Unwashed, unkempt, dirty clothes and haggard. It’s hardly surprising people keep away but fine by me. I am supposed to start phased return to work on Tuesday. Even just getting there will be a miracle. feeling lower and lower with each day.

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  • Sandra

    June 19th, 2016 at 2:26 PM

    ….When my husband was diagnosed with IPF ( Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis) an incurable progressive lung disease I went online and looked at the prognosis…2-4yrs, that’s what he was looking at, or should I say what we were looking at…He lasted for 5 and a half years ( that was him alright , stubborn, wouldn’t give in)….I looked at him every day knowing before to long he would be gone..I longed to go before him, but I knew deep down it wouldn’t happen, I would be left on my own….He died 15/03/2015 ( mother’s day)….I looked at him laying dead in the bed in Intensive Care…All our past and life over..I met him when I was 15 and he was 17..we were together 48 yrs and married for 44….I looked at him laying dead in the bed along with our only son….I had dreaded this day for 5 and a half yrs…Lived with it every day…Looking at him wondering how long he had left….But, you know what, it has made it easier to bear for me the way it happened….I wonder why my attitude seems to be a bit different from a lot on here..I’ve actually said to my son….If he had suddenly dropped dead one day, I don’t think I could have coped…So maybe I see things a bit differently from others on here….Pat….I wish I could make you feel better, but it’s your own personal pain…You need to handle it the best way you can…..Just don’t give in….x

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  • Pat

    June 20th, 2016 at 2:49 AM

    My David was given 8months then they decided to remove as much as possible of brain tumour. Op went well on 15th March but 2 days later he had massive stroke. He was in hospital 53 days and was recovering fairly well so got home. He was coming along in leaps and bounds and able to go up and down stairs shower dress and everything. He surpassed everyone’s expectations. It was so nice to be together again. He had lung cancer but not advanced and most of brain tumour removed so had at least a year maybe longer. On 23rd may he had a breathless attack so I phoned doctor for a house call. Instead doctor chose just to phone and said it was just his condition. 2 days later I phoned for a house call again as he just didn’t seem himself. Doctor examined him and thought it was a urine infection and prescribed antibiotics. 2 hours later my husband collapsed in my arms said he was going and he was sorry. I have since discovered it was a pulmonary embolism and although difficult to detect should have been considered as a possibility 2 days earlier when I called. I wish I had insisted doctor came out that day and with treatment would still be with me. I see him dying over and over his eyes just staring. Can’t stop crying and wish I wasn’t here. Feeling just as bad as the day he left me and sometimes worse as the days pass taking me further away from him. I visited him every day he was in hospital 53 days but only had him home for 19 days. I really don’t want to be anymore. Can hardly see to type through my tears.

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  • Julia

    June 19th, 2016 at 9:14 PM

    Tomorrow makes 2 months that my love has been gone. I still think of him everyday. Today was father’s day. My husband was a great father to his children. I find myself going to the cemetery and sitting at his grave. I don’t feel that he is there, I just know that was the last place I saw his physical body. I sit and I think of him and talk to him and cry. I cry a lot. I try to stop when others are around, but it is hard. I think of him when I wake up and when I go to sleep. I cry everyday and I beg for him to be here with me again. I need him desperately. I don’t want to go on living without him. I need him. I don’t want to be without him. I need to feel him next to me on the couch, in the bed, in the car. Food does not taste good to me anymore, Nothing is funny anymore. I need my life back.

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  • Sandra

    June 20th, 2016 at 4:30 PM

    …Julia…I feel exactly the same..I cannot relate to my husband in the cemetery….. try to, but it just won’t happen..Common sense tells me he is in there, but I can’t feel him there…I come home and his latest photo ( about a month before he died) ..confronts me the moment I come through the door, it stands on my work top, where it has stood for the last 15 months….I so feel him in the house, he’s everywhere I look….There isn’t one place in the house he hasn’t renovated, an extension he built himself as well as holding down a 40 hr job…He was an amazing man, very motivated until his horrible illness took him over and robbed us both of time together after working all of our lives …Life is so cruel….But it can’t take our memories away….That’s all we have left…Stay strong guys….x

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  • Pat

    June 21st, 2016 at 1:58 AM

    Julia that’s exactly how I feel. Totally empty and devoid of any feeling apart from yearning for my husband. It’s so awful no words can describe the pain.

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  • Pat

    June 20th, 2016 at 2:28 PM

    Showered and change of clothes today. First time in a week because I have solicitors appointment. Daughter took me as unable to drive since David died. Too many migraines and dizzy turns. I couldn’t stop mystery from crying non stop in her car and I felt so upset for her as she is 8 months pregnant but I just couldn’t plaster a happy face on. She says she is so worried about me staying in the house all the time and losing so much weight but she doesn’t know how to help me. I explained no one does. Just have such overwhelming grief. One friend no longer contacts me as I didn’t take to kindly to her platitudes. She complained I never invited her out. Maybe if she had listened. Don’t really care much for people in my life anyway. Prefer to be alone and have numerous meltdowns whenever I want without having to consider others feelings. As time goes on the ache gets worse. Head full of what ifs then I realise there is no going back and I am in a harsh reality with no escape.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 20th, 2016 at 9:49 PM

    oh pat. such a perfect sentence. yours: ” Head full of what ifs then I realise there is no going back and I am in a harsh reality with no escape.” me too……

    this despondency will not leave me and offends others. at night i lie awake and want to go back. to 35 weeks ago tonight. then the next morning…..the horror began. on the calendar 8 months is now but i count weeks. o your perfect sentence. i want nothing but to go back. lack of imagination? for the future or….what you say. so true. how will we manage this? i do not think i can. should i say all be well even though (your sentence again) “As time goes on the ache gets worse.”…..i feel myself to be in a valley. i was on a mountain of love and fell off and am on concrete. i can’t get up. i am between life and death. how to live with this?

    Reply

  • pat

    June 21st, 2016 at 1:16 PM

    oh Rebecca what are we to do. It will be a month on Saturday and the pain gets worse each day. I feel time is pulling me further away from him although it seems like yesterday. I remembered today 2 days before he left me forever I was driving down to work for a couple of hours and he stood and gave me a big wave at the window as I slowed the car. It gave me that lovely warm glow that morning as I knew he was ill but had a while left to be with me and my thoughts were we are going to be ok. Little did I know 2 days later he would be gone from my life. I just can’t bear this pain. Not washing or changing clothes much – what’s the point. I really need him back. Crying so much can’t type any more …………

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 20th, 2016 at 9:55 PM

    sandra. “If he had suddenly dropped dead one day, I don’t think I could have coped…”

    my steve did and i can’t. i mean i have been functioning while weeping for 8 months. others do not like to be around me. all i want is what i have. no clue how to cope. this forum helps. thanks all. the sun is back but i am in the dark…..do you have any light? the light of my life is gone. steve….

    Reply

  • Sandra

    June 21st, 2016 at 3:37 PM

    ….Rebecca…First of all…I am so very sorry for your loss….It’s so strange, but my life as gone just the way I thought it would with regards to my husband….His father died at 49, his brother died at 47, he was 64…..I always thought there was something in his male genes….I never thought we would ever grow old together…I so hate how I’m nearly always right….In a weird way, I am not surprised how my life as gone..It’s like I’d already accepted it before it happened..I don’t blame you if you think that sounds crazy…..All I can say is, I know you are in great pain, like lots of others on here….But, believe me , you can do it…not now, not next year, maybe not the next year….You will get there….Go through the pain, go through the agony, take it on the chin…Make your husband proud…..How do you think he would feel if he knew about the agony and heartache he had caused you….I get told I am a strong person, but don’t see me when I’m on my own….I know it was sudden for you….But there is light out there….Don’t give in…Please…x

    Reply

  • Rich

    June 21st, 2016 at 4:29 AM

    Alone on Earth & Sonia:
    My Janet passed in February of this year. People said the pain would lessen, I thought how could it?
    Although I attended Grief Share I really didn’t get much out of it other that our loved ones are on loan to us. I know I’ll seed Janet again and I feel her helping me limp along. Just like you, Alone on Earth my morning ritual is to kiss Janet’s picture, talk to her during the day and once a week light a candle at the Blue Army Shrine and or Czestochowa Shrine that are close to me. I’m not catholic and light to candle (which Janet liked to do) to thank God for our time together and the promise that we will see each other again. I believe that faith and knowing there is more to life that we can see makes this unbearable situation we are all in somewhat manageable. I know that the absolute joy I had with Janet will never come back until I see her again. In the meantime I am completing the things she wanted done. Her sheep are getting sheared today and I’m working on preparing the vegetable garden for next year. Still have a dozen more items on the list and I look forward to the day she tells me “you did good, I love you”

    Reply

  • Helen

    June 21st, 2016 at 10:10 AM

    Hi everyone, read many stories. It’s sad how we were “chosen” or “dealt the cards” for our losses. It’s been 10 months since my husband died. Living one hour at a time. Hugs to all of you.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 21st, 2016 at 11:57 AM

    rich good to see you and it sounds like you are doing well. there are so many new people on here…it is nice to meet them but it is also good to see you. as new people come on and i don’t see “old” ones i wonder if i am the only one left from months ago who is still stuck. i do not feel i can manage without steve. i am in absolute terror. i admire all of you who are managing and feel great empathy with all who suffer….and that includes those who manage while suffering. today for a short while i couldn’t get an internet connection. it is my life line sort of….it and the cats…though basically i can’t manage without my beloved and do not want to go on with this much suffering. our home is a mess. i am working too hard to declutter it and i am exhausted. there is still so much work to do. there are days when i am highly functional in the realm of the mundane but i am always with a broken heart. rich your optimism is impressive. i do not know what to do and wonder if something is seriously wrong with me as it is 35 weeks today or 8 months since my beloved did not wake and i am not getting ‘better” i am increasingly distraught. is anyone else who has been here for a while still in big trouble? the best thing that happened to me was i slept really well last night and through out the morning, catching up on sleep. but waking is a nightmare. all suggestions welcome. i believe i cannot live for much longer without steve………………he is my everything and he is gone to horrible clay like earth and the cemetery is nasty and will rip up my plantings and will not let me put a peace sign on the back of his stone/our stone…this is small the bigger picture is he is gone from me and i have no vision of future and i am in deep and deeper grief…thanks all new and old. i do believe for some things get better for others of us…not ever. the nightmare continues. …for me. again, rich, thanks for your optimistic post. others and all….be as well as you can. i think i am going to die soon…

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    June 21st, 2016 at 4:00 PM

    Hi Rebecca,
    Thank you for all of your comments. We read every post and follow along with your story and others on this thread, and we want you to know that you are heard and in our thoughts. If you are in crisis, or are in danger of doing any harm to yourself, we urge you to seek help immediately by calling 911, visiting your local emergency room, or calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (TTY: 1-800-799-4TTY). You can find further resources here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html. As you said, things can and do get better. If you are not yet working with a therapist, you can search for someone to help with grief and loss on the GoodTherapy.org Directory, here: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html.

    Again, we are thinking of you and all who have contributed on this thread and are looking for messages of hope.
    Wishing you the very best for your healing and self-care!

    Warmly,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Rich

    June 21st, 2016 at 7:19 PM

    Rebecca:
    I’m doing, but well is a matter of opinion.
    I am sure Steve would not want you to agonize over him. I miss Janet every moment of everyday but I know she wants me to carry on. That does not mean moving on with my life without her.
    Just like you I am “stuck” a term I don’t necessarily consider as bad. I am still married and always will be. But now our relationship is “long distance”.
    I believe you said you were agnostic, but please leave the door open just a bit to open yourself to other possibilities. I know I wouldn’t be able to continue without hope.
    Peace.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 21st, 2016 at 9:47 PM

    rich you are so good to write to so many of us individually. lightening now so this is short. i am jewish. but i do not know what anything means. ………life seems likes suffering without steve. i feel that i should have and could have saved his life. this is the thought that torments me. i do not have hope for much of anything as all i want is time to go back. and i dial 911 and he gets care and survives his heart attack and is here with me now…..revisionist history, stuff for fools…….one does not have to be agnostic to run out of hope. you speak straight. when you say well is a matter of opinion….. i too am functional but i am so sad. i do not believe steve wants me to suffer. we never thought i would be able to manage without him. he was not sick. we assumed he would outlive me. assumptions are for fools. if i had dialed 911 he would be alive. of this i am sure. anyway i do not know where to find hope and what to hope for as i see no joy in the future and all joy in the past and i am in love with my husband who is in not even the best of the earth iowa has to offer. you are right stuck is not the best term. but in some ways it is. time stopped for me 35 weeks ago today when steve’s life stopped. i move thru necessary actions but i feel like a zombie. i do love our kitties. where is there hope…thanks and be well.. as you can…..you and all….who are on here. this is such a good forum. thank you. ciao/ miao ps i appreciate the concept of the long distance relationship but there is so much for which i am so greedy. the presence of my beloved. his participation in all things. our shared life………………..doing it long distance makes me what……hermit widow? dunno how to do it at all…thanks

  • Vivian

    June 21st, 2016 at 12:32 PM

    Rich, I feel exactly the same way. I am catholic and I light a candle every Sunday for him, I “talk to him” constantly and also write in a journal every day. It makes me feel closer for some reason. I am doing all the things he wanted to do in the house and it’s what keeps me going. When I finish a task I always say, “I hope you are proud of me” The most difficult times are nights and mornings. There are times when the longing and need for him is unbearable and whoever said it gets easier is crazy. I may be able to function and maybe even am learning a life alone but the joy and the sadness is always there. Part of me died with him and that will never change. But I keep moving, one task at a time.

    Reply

  • Rich

    June 21st, 2016 at 6:57 PM

    Vivian:
    I agree with you regarding a journal. In my previous posts I mentioned that I have an old mailbox hanging from the woodshed. I use to leave cards for Janet (before she got sick) and when she would see the red flag up she knew she had mail. Cards were simple and just told her how much I loved her. I still leave cards for her with an update of where I am, what I’m doing, how much I love and miss her. At the end of the month I open them up and read them out loud to her. I recommend keeping a journal, writing letters to your spouse and communicating with them in some written form. Even though you don’t think you are making progress you will see a change, hopefully for the good.
    I read that prayer is when you speak to God, meditating is when God speaks to you. Quiet time during the day even if it is for 10 minutes has a very calming affect and can provide the direction you need if you listen with your heart.
    Rich
    PS: Janet’s sheep got sheared and they are very happy since it has been hot. The guinea hens hatched out a dozen new chicks and Poodles the cat is sitting at my feet. She will be going outside for her mouse run in an hour.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 21st, 2016 at 9:57 PM

    pat, sandra…back on to respond to your two different diverse comments. yes sandra it is strange you knew something…..and i knew nothing….pat….i am unmoored. journaling…..i write steve but have fallen off regularity. prayer or meditation….i am having trouble. steve and i shared all that. i say the prayer jews say for our dead loved ones twice daily. my soul hungers for my soul mate. that is what steve was besides so much more. we had a wonderful shared spiritual life. i think i am in shock these 35 weeks later. you all have wisdom. we each have strengths but………….i am falling apart inside though making some progress sifting through papers. but my heart is so heavy i can’t believe i can live with this much pain…….am i a widow whimp? good night good people………

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 22nd, 2016 at 2:04 AM

    Rich, I completely understand when you say that doing well would not really describe how you feel but rather finding a way to live my life keeping my memories of Raul really close. It may sound strange to others but it works for me. I am learning to live alone but with him next to me. I speak to him all the time, I know what he wants from me and I must go on. I know that everything I do for myself makes him smile and making him happy was all I ever wanted.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 22nd, 2016 at 8:49 AM

    vivian. wow. this is inspirational. thank you

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 22nd, 2016 at 1:53 PM

    This is the only place I have felt that has helped. We are all here for each other. That means a lot.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    June 23rd, 2016 at 4:30 AM

    ..Yes..this forum is the place to be when your heart feels like lead from the grief you are carrying with you every minute of every day when you know however sympathetic people try to be, they just don’t get it….I too talk to my husband all the time, I have jokes with him still, tell him off, tell him I miss him and I am not amused he has left me although he couldn’t help it…I too have no intention of meeting anyone else..If I can’t have him, I want no-one…I told him before he died, in the many conversations we had, I would not be with anyone else….His glasses are still in their case at the door, his garden jacket is still hanging on the grass cutter…His other one stays on the door in the house, I’ve saved another jacket I loved him in and I hug it now and again, it makes me feel close to him….If I get days when I feel tired and a bit off, its worse, I get very teary…I’m 15 months in, doing my hardest, that’s all we can do….Just keep venting, that’s the way to go….x

  • Julia

    June 22nd, 2016 at 6:50 PM

    I have had a terrible few days. Mornings and nights are hardest for me too. I wake up thinking of him and go to sleep thinking of him. I think how cruel it is that he was lost to me. Many nights I would watch him sleep and think about how lucky I am to have married someone I love so much. I used to watched him with my heart filled with love. I would touch his face or his stubble and just melt with love. I miss that man more than I want to breath. He as IT for me. I don’t want to start over and I never want to forget him.

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  • Rich

    June 22nd, 2016 at 8:43 PM

    Julia:
    Janet didn’t have “stubble” but I’m with you on everything else.
    Rich

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  • Francisca

    June 22nd, 2016 at 11:26 PM

    Julia, that exactly how I feel. Miss touching him, stroking and kiss him. Miss him more and more as day gone by. No one want to start over … as long we still breathing we never forget about our loved ones

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  • pat

    June 22nd, 2016 at 11:51 PM

    Daughter took me to doctors today as needed another sick line and she is worried about me. Doctor weighed me and I have lost weight again. Says my dizzy turns are anxiety. He has now decided I need professional help as my mood is not improving but getting worse. What do people expect of me it was 4 weeks yesterday almost to the the exact time I saw doctor. I cried through most of my consultation. I doubt if he was thinking ‘pull yourself together’ but that is what I feel people are thinking. I have an appointment at hospital today for my recurring shingles and a good friend is taking me so another day I shall be out of the house. Woke this morning and could have sworn I heard David calling up the stairs to me. He was always up before me and poured my orange juice. Within a split second reality kicks in and my stomach churns and despair is there again. Tears flowing again now. I don’t believe in afterlife and neither did David. ‘This is it’ he would say, well what I say is ‘this is crap’. I can’t really say I am functioning just going through necessary motions. Feeding cats. That’s about it. Can’t be bothered changing my clothes, stripping the bed, washing my hair, eating…….just no point. It’s comforting in some strange way to know there are others out there. This seems to be the only place where I feel understood. Thanks to you all……….

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 22nd, 2016 at 11:55 PM

    julia, vivian. yes. yes. too hard. yes exactly the same julia: “I don’t want to start over and I never want to forget him.”
    so…… no hope of a future……nothing but grief. sad……..? i guess so….

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  • Bianca

    June 23rd, 2016 at 9:25 AM

    It’s been almost 6 months since my husband left this earth in a work related accident. He was only 26.. We were together for 6 years married for 4. We have a 5 year old daughter together and at the time of his unexpected passing I was 5 and a half months pregnant with our son, I was only 24 at the time. Just celebrated my first birthday without him.. :( I know your pain, I know my own deep sadness of literally have my life ripped from my arms and thrown into a “new” world. I know the pain of sinking so far in quick sand and not being able to climb out, I know fear as my children and me don’t have the life we had planned on. I know bitter sweet moments as my daughter just completed her first year at school. I will experience all of my children’s milestones alone, and there is something very isolating about that..being a widow at 24, you cant describe that kind of pain. My son was born April 4th and he was as healthy as can be. He is now almost 3 months old. My son will never be able to feel his dads arms wrapped around him, that takes my breath away any time i think about it, and not in a good way. Time hasn’t healed much if anything, but I have survived this pain and I’m still here now. I do find I have ok days, I am able to at times smile when I think of all the happy times we had together, and share stories with my children..but the demon of grief is constantly knocking me down. But we must get back up again. We must always get back up again. I’m always trying to look at my blessings, and see all that I have, not all that I lost as I can’t get back what was lost but I can appreciate what I have left, my husband gave me two of the most precious gifts and I’m so forever thankful for that! It hurts tremendously that he can’t be here with us, but I am still here for my children. The world is scary and I have learned that lesson the hardest of ways, but you all must remember our spouses would want us to live happy fulfilled lives. They would want what’s best for us, I know it seems impossible at times but we get one life, life is now so always do your best to live it. Much love to you all as we deal with this demon. Just always remember life is now.
    -Bianca

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  • Sandra

    June 23rd, 2016 at 10:23 AM

    Well said Bianca…we are reading from the same page…So sorry for your loss, keep up your positive attitude, it will carry you a long way….Bless you and your children…x

    Reply

  • Ruby

    June 23rd, 2016 at 2:15 PM

    It has been almost one year since I lost my husband and nothing much has changed. I can’t imagine that it ever will. I never knew there could be so many tears. I could travel every continent and every ocean and I will never see him again on this earth. After 11+ months I am still trying to grasp this. Others do not understand that you could be in a place with millions of people and still be lonely. I actually had one co-worker say she would give me about 6 or 7 years and I would be remarried. That just made me feel sorry for the state of her marriage. There will never be anyone who could take his place.

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  • Kim

    June 23rd, 2016 at 6:22 PM

    My husband died 14 months ago and I pray every day for some kind of peace to live the rest of my life without such sadness. I miss him so. I am the first in my immediate family to lose a spouse and I know that everyone is so sick of hearing me talk about my wonderful husband and they are avoiding me yet as much as I know that it is putting distance between me and my family, I want to speak of him. He was not only my best friend but he understood me and saved me as I did him. As the members of my family age, I know that I will be faced with consoling people in my family that find themselves in the same situation. I am praying for the strength to be understanding and not to convey the annoyance that I am seeing from my family at my never ending sadness. It is not easy to move on when you have loved someone more than it is possible to express yet you are left alone knowing that your time may also be near and you don’t want it to be so sad. I just hope that I can find some sort of happiness for my final years and my family will want to be around me again so that I am not so alone. I just pray for peace and strength.

    ing distance between me and

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  • Vivian

    June 24th, 2016 at 4:39 PM

    Kim, it will be 12 months in 4 days and I completely get that about people getting tired of hearing about my husband but I can’t stop talking about him. It’s so obvious that they don’t want to hear it anymore but it’s because they have no clue what I am going through and trying to tell anyone is pointless. Only people like us who adored our husbands and wives can truly sympathize with us. When I first found this website, it was comforting. I truly believed no one ever felt this much pain.

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  • Sandra

    June 25th, 2016 at 3:25 PM

    Vivian…We all feel your pain…We are all going through it together….People try hard, but they don’t understand…I’ve given up on people…I shoulder it all myself, I even try not to bother my only son because he has own life and family to worry about…He tries his best, but he is a lot younger…I understand, I don’t want to burden him with my grief…I keep wondering how I am going to survive this, indeed, do I care? All I know is, I’ll try my best to give it my best shot…I know now my husband was worried about me being left on my own…what he said all makes sense now…I just know deep down I have to keep going….I long for him to walk back through the door, but I know it will never happen again….You’ll always miss your husband, as we all will, desperately…….But I’m afraid at the end of the day, it’s life…No-one has been singled out, it will happen to us all……I told my husband just to wait for me…..I know I will see him again one day….Please be strong…You can do it….keep venting…x

  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 24th, 2016 at 12:57 AM

    learning about complicated grief. f y i
    youtu.be/VPrjWDXQw7Y

    Reply

  • Rich

    June 24th, 2016 at 2:04 PM

    Silvia:
    The pain is unbearable, can’t sleep at night, my world is upside down….but that is a small price to pay for the privilege and blessing of having Janet in my life these past 34 years. I think if you consider the time both you and your husband had together you will agree. If I could go back in time and choose someone that would live to100 I wouldn’t do it, would you? I believe someway, somehow Janet and I were connected since the beginning of time. Our love will always remain a constant even after I’m gone. The love between you and your husband is no different.
    Rich

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  • Pat

    June 26th, 2016 at 7:56 PM

    My husband of 34 years passed away January 3, 2015. He died after open heart surgery. Two months prior to his death a team of doctors gave him a clean bill of health
    Go live your life they said, there’s nothing wrong with you
    We bought a motorhome and made plans to travel out west after the holidays. On January 2, 2015 I took him to a different hospital. After they did a heart cath they found he has 100 % blockage in his heart and did open heart surgery immediately. He had a heart attack during surgery which brought his chances of survival from 95% to 60/40. He made it 30 hours and passed away. I miss him so much. He was a one of a kind guy, so romantic, so thoughtful. We loved to listen to music and dance. We loved nature, loved camping, shady lane roads and our dogs. They too have grieved. My step children, all of which are grown, have turned their backs on me. I have one daughter and her family, thank God for them. I would give anything to have him back, just to hear his voice, touch his hand, hear him call my name. It’s been almost one and a half years. I have no clue what I’ve done in that time. I just walk around, or sleep. I don’t want to do anything, if I listen to music I cry because we both loved it. I pray God gives me strength to endure the pain and loneliness until I can heal. I’ll never be the same.

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  • Silvia

    June 26th, 2016 at 8:33 PM

    Dear Pat I know how you feel l go on every day crying on the inside when I drive to work I scream his name out of the top of my lungs it hurts me so much he is gone, l hope our creator let us find peace

  • Silvia

    June 27th, 2016 at 5:13 PM

    Rich he was my soulmate they are very hard to find,…. And it hurts so much when our soulmate goes home…..I know how you feel

    Reply

  • Rich

    June 28th, 2016 at 5:03 AM

    Silvia:
    I met Janet my first day of work back in 1978. I almost passed on the job interview and told her if I did that we would never would have met. She was of the strong opinion that we were meant to be together and that we would have met somehow. I guess Soulmates are destined to be together no matter the odds.

    Rich

  • Silvia b

    June 28th, 2016 at 10:59 PM

    Rich my husband stuff is exactly were he he left it, I can not get rid of it.,when I touch something I want to cry , I see his shampoo etc. and I know he is not coming back. I stroke his jackets , I look at his shoes, I look at his truck and I realize he wet home, I can not believe it, but know it is true and the pain comes back

  • Rich

    June 29th, 2016 at 8:27 AM

    Silvia:
    Janet’s bathrobe is still hanging on the bathroom door and almost everything is as she left it. Not as a memorial but since I find it comforting. The antiques she bought and the way she decorated in some way represents our life and love together. Look at your husbands items with a smile and a positive remembrance of your time together.
    As I mentioned in previous posts Janet gave me specific instructions on what to do. We have a small farm and I purchased a backhoe and per her instructions I am burying her jewelry, gifts we bought each other, photos and items of personal significance. In her final 43 days Janet gave away a number of items to specific people.
    We had no children and the relatives are now lining up (human nature I guess). I have no problem giving items away but unfortunately I’m not dying tomorrow so they will get them on my time frame not theirs.
    It is 5 months today since Janet left, I can feel Janet’s spirit and energy and know that we will be together again in basically the blink of an eye. Until then I want her to be proud of me, that is my tribute and memorial to her.
    Rich

  • Cindy

    August 29th, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    Rich….how r u doing? Your posts about your wife, and your love for her are such a pleasure to read. I had pretty much the same relationship with my husband. One day a friend of mine was here at the house for dinner. I was talking about Paul when she started sobbing. I apologized for making her cry. She said she wasn’t crying for me….she was crying for herself because after two divorces, she knows she has never and will never know the kind of love my husband and I shared. Some days I am able to thank God for the 43 years we had together rather than focus on the years I still needed with him. By the way, the “signs” you get from Janet are no coincidence….you are just open to receiving them. Some days they make me cry…but many times they make me smile…it gives me the strength I need to keep going. But I am no longer afraid to die…because I know my favorite person in life will be there to greet me. you take care.

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  • Vivian

    June 25th, 2016 at 3:07 AM

    Ruby, I am exactly in the same place

    Reply

  • Vivian

    June 25th, 2016 at 3:10 AM

    Rich, beautifully said.

    Reply

  • Silvia B.

    June 26th, 2016 at 7:01 AM

    Thank you every one, thank you Rich…..I try and try and go from there l guess . Don’t see the world down here with the same eyes anymore, I stay in it but look forward to leaving it behind when my time comes….only for my husband Leonard I will do day by day

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  • Rebecca

    June 26th, 2016 at 1:06 PM

    appreciate your help all of you and this site but last night i was up all nigh in a trance of sorts back in time and re doing history and staying with steve in the hospital and he survives and lives…this is all pre sleep dream fiction and i clung to it and woke up worse than ever. 35 weeks and 5 days and i don’t know how i am going to manage as things are getting worse……….. is most everyone else getting ” better” or more able to cope? they now say i have complicated grief and ptsd so i don’ know what will happen next except i will love steve and grieve him forever but i don’t think i can bear it has anyone else felt this way??? all be as well as you can thank you

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  • Silvia

    June 26th, 2016 at 8:38 PM

    Rebecca I have not got any better not even with medication this hurt is inside me I walk the house yelling his name I cry when he died half of my heart died with him the other half is here in pain , I will think of you and hope we make it

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 26th, 2016 at 11:10 PM

    oh pat oh silvia oh all. with you in this. hope we all can sleep tonight. got to figure out how not to sink so low on weekends. a good as you can make it week ……my kitty frida is here saying miao so she give me hope. to say i miss my beloved is not enough…..nearly day dream hallucinated him all night long last night……not sure how long i can go on but i do work on things…..good wishes to all MIAO

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  • pat

    June 27th, 2016 at 11:02 AM

    son turned up at 8.15 Sunday morning bearing paint, brushes and weedkiller so we got stuck in. \it wasn’t easy. I could hear David saying ‘ you’ve missed a bit’ or ‘slap it on this way’ so it was a distraction at best which kept us going well into the afternoon. 2 phone calls from friends and a visit from my daughter left me feeling tired enough to go to bed after my pill. Actually drove to work today but only stayed 2 and half hours. Must admit employer being very understanding as I make up time working from home. Needs must as no pension for another 7 years, Felt exhausted this afternoon so I went for a nap and think I must have had one of these hallucinations for the first time. Was having strange conversations with the him (which I don’t remember now) but at the same time knew he wasn’t there. I don’t usually even dream and don’t believe in after life. It was a very strange sensation indeed. Not sure if good or bad. In between all this I have had sobbing and hysterical fits and even looked at the fence I painted yesterday and wondered what for. Tears flowing again. I think if one more person says to me it takes time I may not be liable for my actions.Have even contemplated opening a bottle of vodka and drinking myself into oblivion. NOTHING REALLY HELPS. How can we carry on like this My existence was defined by him. Who am I? A depressed, sad, miserable lonely woman that doesn’t want to waken in the morning again. There should be an island they can send us to where we can wail and sob till our hearts break in two.

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  • Francisca

    June 27th, 2016 at 2:17 PM

    Oh Pat, I can only say … one day at time. Remember someone mentioned about the analogy of wave hitting us. Sometimes the water is calm and still but out of the blue, it will rush ashore high and hard. I keep asking myself questions and there is no answer to that. Big hugs to you Pat … one day at a time and just come here and talk to us

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  • Vivian

    June 27th, 2016 at 4:13 PM

    Pat, I keep busy. It is a huge effort but he wanted me to be strong. He didn’t know what he was asking of me but I would do anything for him when he was alive, I HAVE to do my best. These days are truly dark. It will be a year ago tomorrow at 2 am. I don’t want to be with anyone and I am feeling as low as ever. However, I really pushed myself and went to yoga this morning. It is a very small group (4 or 5 people) but they are very good about giving me space. I was going to back out like I did last week but I could imagine Raul telling me you need to go. For him, I went. I have cried a lot but continue to go through the day. Shower, change the sheets, clean the house and pick up a project when I have the energy. I do this at my own pace which is slow but I still do it. Usually, I don’t do it for very long but i feel like it’s what he wants. I don’t tell this to anyone because everyone want to let him go but that will never happen. I am not a widow, I am a wife who loves her husband now and forever. The pain I feel is because I need his hugs, his voice, to hold his hand, to kiss him. But he is my husband, my love, my one true love.

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  • Sandra

    June 27th, 2016 at 4:21 PM

    …Don’t you just love it when you forget for 60 seconds….You feel like you are back in your old life….Then the reality comes flooding back…..What now……I’ll start again…no chance…if I can’t have him, I don’t want anyone…..I’ll move house and start afresh…but you are in this house with me, I can see you sitting in your chair….If I move , you won’t be there…..It just goes on and on…But, it can’t stay this way…..We have to move on, that doesn’t mean we will forget….I don’t think of myself as a widow…As far as I’m concerned, I’m still married to my husband, who just happens to be dead….I will never take off my wedding ring….It means the world to me, like he was….But, I know I have got to move forward….It’s entirely my problem….It’s happening to me, it’s up to me to sort it, I give in or I survive, the best way I can…..I am adamant I will do it….for him….for us….He was by far the best thing that ever happened to me in my life, I am so very grateful I met him…..Keep venting, we can do it…x

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  • Silvia

    June 27th, 2016 at 4:59 PM

    Yes Pat time does not heal me the way I feel. This life here on earth don’t interest me no more ….. If there would be a place we could go I would go ASAP

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  • Janice

    June 27th, 2016 at 8:59 PM

    Vivian, I have been off this site (I first posted in March of 2016) for awhile, but still read all the messages. I am addressing you because your words reflect exactly my own–8 months now and yes, after 46 years of marriage, do people think it ends just because our loved one left? We are still married, I wear my ring and he is with me every second, minute and hour of every day. I have made some trips to visit family and now realize that while the horrible pain and agony of the first few months does subside–that in no way lessens or diminishes the deep sorrow we will have forever, because we shared a great love. I have learned to enjoy the company of my friends and family again, but always with a sense of detachment in a way–like I’m not wholly present–and never will be without my husband…I know now after 8 months, it will never be different than it is now–and I too, try to forge on with daily existence, even if it’s minimal–and yes, I cry at the oddest times for the strangest of reasons–and that, too, will never change. Life is a hollow emptiness without our spouses–and to the newer members of this group, you will never be who you were before your loss–I personally feel there will never be true joy in my life again.

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  • pat

    June 28th, 2016 at 8:19 AM

    Went to work again today for a few hours. Functioned of sorts. Came home feeling exhausted and cried for about an hour then had a lie down, Don’t really know how much longer I can cope with this. Why oh why did he have to go can’t stop crying all the time and it’s 5 weeks tomorrow.

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  • Sandra

    June 28th, 2016 at 10:44 AM

    …..Pat, you are in such despair…5 wks is no time at all…It’s understandable you feel like your heart has been ripped out…I feel helped since I came on this forum, when I read everyone’s comments, its comforting to know we are not alone in this nightmare…When my husband died, I didn’t have time to think for weeks and weeks..I had so much to sort out as well as trying to handle him gone..I thought I had gone to hell….! I found some love letters today I had written my husband when I was 16, he was 18…I’m 64 now…I read a couple of them then suddenly realised I was smiling…I was transported back, it was wonderful….I am 15 months in and I’m just starting to smile at things again….It’s that ache though, that longing for what used to be….Be strong with us Pat…Everything has a price, and we are paying that price now, the price you pay for love….Think how sad your husband would be if he knew how much pain he had given you….He still loves you and he is with you, forever….Bless you Pat…Hugs to you….xxx

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  • Lea

    June 30th, 2016 at 5:12 AM

    Pat
    I read your post and I feel the same way. I guess we lost our husband’s around the same time. My husband passed on 5–2-16 worst day of my life. Just know there is a woman in houston Texas feeling the same pain you are feeling. I don’t if that helps but your not in this alone. The pain is real and brutal. So far time isn’t healing or helping just making me miss my husband more and more. No one should have to feel this. I ask myself everyday why life was designed like this doesn’t seem fair. I should have gone with my husband. I wish with everything that we could have died in a accident together but I’m here in complete agony sadness.

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  • Vivian

    June 28th, 2016 at 10:03 AM

    Janice, you couldn’t have said it better. Today is the first anniversary of his death. It has been a rough couple of days. I just want to share a poem that I have framed in my room:
    THE DAY GOD TOOK YOU HOME
    A million times I’ve needed you
    A million times I’ve cried,
    If love alone could have saved you,
    You never would have died.
    In life I loved you dearly, in death, I love you still.
    In my heart you hold a place no one else can ever fill.
    It broke my heart to lose you,
    But you didn’t go alone
    Part of me went with you
    The day God took you home.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    June 29th, 2016 at 9:36 AM

    janice with you 100%

    in this sorrow

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  • Janet H

    June 29th, 2016 at 10:14 AM

    It’s been 7 months. I miss my Ray terribly. I have my good days and bad days. By good I mean thinking of him without that great tearing feeling of sadness, then there’s the bad days when all I can do is go to bed and stay there crying all day. Taking a sleeping pill just to get some sleep. I still have his favorite clothes in the closet. I kept his favorite cologne and will spray it in the air and in a cotton handkerchief that I keep in my purse. I refuse to be a widow, I am his wife forever and always. My saving grace is that I know I will be with him again when my time comes. I love you with all my heart, Raymond.

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  • Ann

    June 29th, 2016 at 4:29 PM

    Janet, it’s been almost seven months for me as well. I too have good and bad days. The good days I can function, do all the normal things but thinking of him all the time, the bad days I weep over anything. For example, I went to collect my prescription but it wasn’t ready so I burst into tears and cried all the way home then my blind broke in the kitchen and I burst into tears again. I keep thinking I wouldn’t be surprised to see him walk in through the door, stupid I know but I can’t believe he is no longer here. I know exactly how you are feeling. I think this is how it will be, sometimes being able to live with it and sometimes not being able to cope. It’s not nice I know but be assured we are able to share our thoughts here.

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  • Carole

    June 29th, 2016 at 7:31 PM

    I feel exactly like you do Janet, its been almost 9 months for me. I finally ,with the help of his old buddy today buried his ashed up in the hills in my husband’s families old cemetery….that is where he always told me he wanted his ashed. Each day just seems like one more day…one more day…empty and pointless

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  • Lea

    June 29th, 2016 at 8:38 PM

    Hi everyone I come here often now. Seems the only place I feel I can be truthful about my feelings. It will make 2 months since my husband left on the 2nd of july. I miss him like crazy. I have many regrets and I hope he hears my apologies to him. I hurt everyday. The pain in so strong everyday allday. Like many of you here say I feel like I have to fake my feelings in front of others so that I don’t seem a miserable existence to them(which I am ) so I prefer to be alone. People just seem to say the wrong things in an effort to try and comfort me. I’m beyond sad. I cry everyday. Enteting my home from work is the hardest part of each day because my husband is gone. No calls ,no text, no hugs ,no him. The days are true misery. I wake up in pain, go through my day in pain, and go to sleep in pain. I miss my husband. Our 6 year old son is the only thing that keeps me here because I don’t think I could continue life in this much pain if not for him.I’m joyless. Just miss my husband miss my life miss my family!

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  • Annie

    July 31st, 2016 at 9:45 AM

    I know Lea. Being only three months for me is devastating. By the grace of God we will get through but know all you’re feeling is ok. Cry when you have to be alone when you have to and know I care about you and will be praying for you for strength. It’s NOT easy. Probably the hardest thing we’ll ever go through but you’re not alone. I’ll be thinking about you today.

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  • pat

    June 30th, 2016 at 9:26 AM

    Lea certainly share your pain. I have had to organise home insurance today and it broke my heart to see my name as sole occupant. Doesn’t get any easier. My councillor came to see me yesterday and I told her it gets worse as time goes on, It’s longer since I saw him and people expect you just to get on. My doctor has now referred me to mental health team as I am not getting any better. The truth is I don’t want to be here. My daughters first baby due in 2 weeks is the only thing keeping me existing. Every day I come in from work I expect to see him standing there with a cup of tea ready. Surely this is too much for 1 person to bear. I just want him back, Still can’t believe I will never speak to him again. I am in total despair.

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  • Lea

    July 2nd, 2016 at 1:49 PM

    Today makes 2 months since I spoke or seen my husband in this life. I speak to his spirit allday everyday. I miss him so much. I’m lonely. I miss him doesn’t describe the sorrow I feel. Im still very much in love with my husband so every day is so hard. I know he wants me to be ok in the future for our sons sake but right now I don’t see it happening. I’m so incredibly sad.4th of july will suck I see all these father’s with their families enjoying life yet we were robbed of my husbands life.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 2nd, 2016 at 3:38 PM

    oh pat. me too. how many others? i call this interdependence day weekend. there is no independence. i want my husband and best friend and pal beloved steve back and there is no going back and i have no vision of the future. still bottoming out on saturdays. so lonesome and not just lonesome but lonesome for steve. clueless as to how it will ever get better. lots of new people on here and some of us who have been here for a while and are “still stuck”. i love the kitties but i want my beloved most significant human back and i can’t get what i want. so the despair continues. hope others are better. if so teach me how. if not…hello sufferers. i do not like this nightmare……oh i want steve only steve and…..yes. what pat says above.
    be as well as you can, ye who can be well…….i do not like this widow hood. oh my love…..do not want this fate ….such a shock and 36 weeks and four days into it……have found very little help…….such a struggle….good wishes to all

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  • Vivian

    July 2nd, 2016 at 3:56 PM

    I just went through the anniversary of my husband’s death. One year. I am really having a terrible time. It’s like I can’t even imagine how I made it through a whole year. Now I feel like I am right back where I started from. It’s like it hit me that this is real, that this is the first time I have the realization that he is never coming back, that I will never hold him again, that I will never see him in this lifetime again. It has devastated me. I can’t seem to get through a day without the desperation of needing him so much. I cry all day and just feel worse. Today I decided to go to a movie. It was ok but I cried uncontrollably all the way home. I decided to call my sister-in-law, who lost her son, who was 20, 10 years ago and she said its like a slap in the face. The anniversary is not just a remembrance of that day, its the realization that this is real FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. She said to take it one day at a time and maybe even one moment at a time. I can’t think of tomorrow.

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  • Sandra

    July 3rd, 2016 at 2:24 AM

    …Vivian….Everything you have described is how I feel exactly….After 15 months, I’m getting used to my husband not being around, but find that I miss him more….The realization is very hard indeed to handle…It’s 6 months until Xmas, I’m dreading it already….I’m not a religious person, but I just keep asking god to help me….x

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  • Danielle

    July 3rd, 2016 at 8:29 PM

    It is comforting to read that others who had good marriages and lost a spouse are experiencing the same feelings and I am not alone. I am approaching a year since my beloved passed. Life won’t be the same again and I have lost my best friend….a part of me. He was clearly my better half and much too young. No one will be able to replace him. He was a good man and a great Dad. I still wear my wedding ring and look at it thinking back to happier days with vivid memories of a happier and richer life when he was here. I can’t see me ever getting past this sadness. It’s not loneliness but more a sadness in knowing that this precious life as I knew it has transitioned to a world without me. Bless his wonderful soul.

  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 2nd, 2016 at 9:52 PM

    with you lea with you vivian. stuck in sad. do not want to do this solo life. want to go back in time…=want the impossible. i heard the 2nd year is hard. ouch ouch ouch. all take care as much as possible. i remembered to eat today= pretty good huh? oh my. all i want is my beloved steve. we all have the same feelings and nothing seems to help does it?

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  • pat

    July 3rd, 2016 at 11:09 AM

    Think I am just experiencing the wost day since me husband died on 26/5/16. I have cried non stop almost for the last 6 hours and feel my head is going to explode. Can’t settle anywhere in th house. Just wandered back and forth between bedroom and computer room (I can’t sit in sitting room any more since he is not there). My friend who had been sending unhelpful messages actually came to visit yesterday and said she hadn’t realised how ill I was. GP now referred me for mental health. What do people expect of me – my love for the last 41 years has gone and I am broken. The more time goes on the more I truly believe I wouldn’t be missed. Must get may affairs in order first (in process of so doing but it’s all taking so long) and see me new grandchild in 2-4 weeks. Absolutely nothing interests me anymore. Feeling worse by the day.Just long for 9pm when I can take that pill into oblivion for a few hours- oh but the wakening is horrendous. Didn’t manage a shower today again (he suddenly collapsed and died in my arms in the bathroom so I only go in when essential.It’s like it happened 5 minutes ago but everyone is just getting on with their lives like nothing has happened.Have no energy even left to type and tears obscuring my view. This is the worst pain imaginable.

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  • Lea

    July 3rd, 2016 at 8:16 PM

    Hi Pat, I feel you today. Today was so rough for me watching all the families everyone celebratein the 4th of July and all the while my heart and soul are breaking. I have two boys to care for are I would definitely be gone from this misery. I was having a simple conversation with my son today and the whole time speaking I had to fight tears from falling. I just want to cry all day. I miss my husband I miss his smell ,hugs,kisses,helpfulness omg I just miss him. I just wish with everything he would just walk back in the door. I feel my soul yearning to be with him. Like I’m here but my soul is lost. This is a horrible existence. 2 months without my love and I want to just stop breathing.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 3rd, 2016 at 11:25 PM

    o pat. with you. xo

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  • Vivian

    July 4th, 2016 at 12:31 PM

    I hope everyone is trying to make the best of today. I woke up trying to be strong. I have cleaned my house all morning. I am exhausted but I’m done. He would be proud but now what? I have spent the rest of the day just resting and watching TV plus having a glass of wine (or two). I am ok but I don’t even know what that is. I miss him every minute but continue to move as much as I can. I even saw a movie where someone starts over after his wife died. People don’t get that when you have already had the love of your life, there’s no starting over. Yes there will be life, or rather living but love, I’ve had mine. No one could ever… I can’t even explain it. I’m sure that for some others it’s possible but for me, Raul was my love. After a failed marriage, we met and fell deeply in love. Married after 6 months, celebrated 33 years of true love, and that love only grew and became the most perfect love that exceeded anything I could have ever dreamed of. He is and will always be my husband. It’s what most people hope for but I was blessed with even more than I could have possibly imagine.

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  • Sandra

    July 5th, 2016 at 6:19 AM

    …Nicely put Vivian….I too will never replace my husband, the thought hasn’t even entered my head….We were together for 48 yrs and married for 44 yrs…..15 months down the line, I am actually starting to smile to myself, just a tad, when I think of him…I miss him so much….It’s better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all….My memories of him are so cherished….x

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  • Annie

    July 30th, 2016 at 5:54 PM

    I know just how you feel. My husband was the love of my life. We did everything together. He was my whole world. He died April 25th and I can’t believe the pain. I’ll pray for you and know you’re not alone with your feelings.

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  • Vivian

    July 4th, 2016 at 12:33 PM

    Danielle, I will warn you that the anniversary is tough. Just hang in there. We are here for you.

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  • Vivian

    July 5th, 2016 at 2:34 PM

    Exactly Sandra. I have 3 friends who have lost their husbands recently but their relationship was so different, they never knew a love like ours. I feel so blessed to have had him, in the first place. He gave me life, constant love, and a special place I always felt l was home, regardless of where we were physically. Being with him was being at home.

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  • Rebecca

    July 5th, 2016 at 4:20 PM

    vivian. that’s kind of like what we would say. ” you are my home in the world”. i’m having it on the stone over the grave. for 37 weeks today i have felt homeless. we were blessed yes but…the loss is so huge and painful. not doing well at all. is anyone? all the best from the nightmare……thanks for reading this. best to all whatever best we can find these days….

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  • Vivian

    July 5th, 2016 at 8:22 PM

    Rebecca, Looking back I was doing better but when the day of his one year anniversary came, I fell apart. My desperation returned. It was like a slap in the face to the reality that I will never again see him in my lifetime. The nights are truly hard, I could, and I have, keep busy doing things but in the end, I’m alone. I miss everything of our life together and remember it all.

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  • Lea

    July 6th, 2016 at 11:29 AM

    Seems as everyday is the same. Wake up first thing I think of is my husband,actually I don’t ever sleep through the night with out waking up and missing him. I come to work and think of him all day. I miss him so much. I try and do the best I can with my kids . It’s hard to get through each day. I feel as though I’m in prison and there is no escape. I’m stuck here in this world because I have kids, but I pray each day to join my husband. A heart attack ,stroke, terrible flu ,cancer something to take me. I don’t really tell people how in feel because to me it seems like they are over my grieving and now I’m just annoying a negative being entering the room. Nights are so hard days are so hard every minute is so hard. I miss him. I want to impossible to have him back.

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  • Janice

    July 6th, 2016 at 7:33 PM

    I posted last on June 27th and was gone from home — I took a giant step and drove over 900 miles to Montana to visit my sister — traveled with a good friend who introduced me to my husband, Werner, way back in 1965. She’s been a widow for five years. It was a huge test for me. We had a nice week, but all the time I am thinking of Werner — I just went through the motions and while I love nature and the mountains, there was an enormous hole in my heart that I was not making this trip with my husband. I almost felt guilty. But the good thing about the trip was being able to talk openly about him and share stories of our lives. We were busy for five days and today, after I dropped my friend at her home, I had another hour to drive–I began talking outloud to Werner, telling him about the trip when I began to cry the entire way home, absolutely broken and shattered in pain—I had to pull over at a rest stop I was crying so hard. I have been home for a few hours now and needed to share with you, who understand. There has only been one companion for me for 47 years and no one can replace him. I feel some solace being home again and am getting somewhat used to living alone, but I will never be able to accept his death. You all know and understand how much we miss them — it is so painful and final and we will never again walk hand in hand, laugh in the car, go camping, share the joy and beauty of the world and be here and now on this earth, at this time in history…not now, not ever again. I want him back here so badly. Even if we learn to carry on and function, it will NEVER be the same…

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  • Sandra

    July 7th, 2016 at 1:55 AM

    …Janice…I know, we know, keep talking to us…..I can be busying myself about doing the usual, then fill up for no reason pretty much every day…When I think about Miles ( my husband) now, the anger is starting to subside a little, I’m starting to feel a warm feeling , just remembering our life together…I would give anything for him to walk back through the door, but I’m an adult and I’ve lost a lot of family over the years….I know he’s never ever coming back and my memories are all I have….We are alive , yes, only in the the sense we are living but even in our sorry state, we have to remember what we have been blessed with in our life when so many people don’t come anywhere near…keep venting….x

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 7th, 2016 at 1:09 AM

    oh janice. logged on because i have insomnia and this post of yours feels like …..my insomnia. i’d have to pull over and cry too. your last sentence……to me it is some ” even if…”….i doubt it so.. for me. what a brave trip. can’t imagine. i say i am not going anywhere without steve….which means i am not going anywhere. oh understanding how you feel….it’s so horrible. my mind has been spinning back to the early years of me and steve and i am just….wanting more years and not accepting his death. the insanity of widowhood. shall i say solidarity? so good there was a safe place to pull over when you had to cry. is that the best we can hope for? a place to pull over when we cry? oh……. i feel this story you tell and will remember it…

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  • Pat

    July 8th, 2016 at 5:00 AM

    Does anyone else feel the pain gets worse day by day. Every day I just feel not another day without him
    The struggle is becoming intolerable. Don’t know how much longer I can put up with this miserable existence. Family seem to be getting on with their busy lives and it’s becoming more and more difficult to put a brave face on. Maybe they are getting fed up with me. One son has only been in touch twice since the six weeks but finds it too difficult as I just cry. How can therapist say they would miss me. They may even be relieved if I wasn’t around. I desperately need David back I am in total dispair. Here is the only way I can express how I am truly feeling. I wish I could curl up in a ball with my husbands gown and never wake up

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  • Lea

    July 8th, 2016 at 9:19 AM

    I feel the same way. I’m positive people are done feeling sympathy for me now it’s just they are annoyed with my misery.I pray everyday that I can join my husband. My stomach turns all day from sadness and I feel like I have to fake my feelings around everyone. I miss my husband and now I’m just angry with life. This world is no longer for me. I feel like im forced to stay here. I hate this existence. I miss my life. I miss my husband so much but all the crying and misery won’t bring him back so then I’m just lost and desperate.

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  • sylvia

    May 19th, 2018 at 5:58 PM

    I’m new here i’m trying to read everybodies comments. I’m so sorry for your loss. I loss my husband of 47 yrs. to mini strokes( he did not show no signs) and Demantia he was only 58 yrs. old when the Dr. told me. I took care of him at home for 5 yrs. i didn’t want to put him no where but his home he worked so hard to pay the morgage off before he got sick. my handsome died in my arms july 8 2016. I miss him so much i want him back but i know he’s happy with God. i cry everyday for him my heart is just broken life is so depressing now.I talk to him everyday telling i’m so sorry what happen to him. His birthday is this month the 29. He told me when he retires he’s going to buy him a brand new ford blue truck. I’m so sorry honey I love him so much.

  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 9th, 2016 at 7:26 AM

    the posts here amaze me. are we all in the same boat? is it sinking?

    trying to go back to sleep and then sit in son. trying to have a very easy day.

    cried last night…..now. we will see how long til the tears come again. 37 weeks 4 days i want to save steve’s life i can’t let go of it….deep fantasy revisionist history. my escape to happiness= the imagining that he would be alive……..= going insane. best to all

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  • Sandra

    July 9th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    …Having a bad day today…Not feeling very strong at all, already had the tears, just come from the blue….I keep seeing Miles everywhere I look…I hate this…I keep wondering what’s for me next now I’m on my own….I’ve only got one son, I hate bothering with my feelings, he’s got his own family and life….I know other people are going through the same thing, but I still feel like it’s only me…I try and keep my chin up, go with the flow as they say…But it’s so hard dealing with this crap, I often told him I wanted to go first, and I meant it…I didn’t want to live through it and I’m here already…I can’t believe it…Just having one of my ‘ bad days ‘….Hope tomorrow is better….!

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  • Vivian

    July 9th, 2016 at 3:20 PM

    Rebecca S.R. , you are not alone. I feel that even after a year, I still feel that someone turned the world upside down, that I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I seem to function doing what is expected. I clean, shop, babysit, watch tv, fix things around the house, take care of my hair, even have been taking a couple of yoga classes but it all seems joyless, without a real purpose. I see a commercial for a cruise and say ‘so what’, I gained weight and it doesn’t bother me except that I don’t want to have to buy clothes so I need to fit into the ones I have. I have been crying uncontrollably at odd times of the day. The nights are the worst. I even planned to clean my patio and broke down because it’s what we did, with such fun and playfulness. Now it would be a chore. I will go on but the sadness is overwhelming. I need our life back. Together we were perfect, now my better half is gone.
    I will leave you with this that I found during my attempts at organization:
    “As I sit here in heaven and watch you every day,
    I try to let you know with signs, I never went away.
    I hear you when you’re laughing and watch you when you sleep,
    I even place my arm around you, to calm you as you weep.
    I see you wish the days away, begging to have me home,
    So I try to send you signs
    so you know you are not alone.
    Don’t feel guilty that you have life that was denied to me,
    Heaven is truly beautiful, just you wait and see.
    So live your life, laugh again,
    Enjoy yourself, be free.
    Then I’ll know with every breath you take,
    you will be taking one for me…”

    Reply

  • Lorna

    July 9th, 2016 at 6:26 PM

    It’s been a little over three months since I loss my husband the love of my life and July 31st we would’ve been married 29 years.

    I’m so devastate, I’m on an emotional roller coaster, the pain is so deep and hurts so bad.
    We have custody of our granddaughter who just turned 7 years old and she is taking it so hard, because she does not understand that he’s gone and not coming back, she keeps asking is he better and when is he coming home and she cries. She wakes up about 3:30 every morning crying and looking for him. This just hurts my heart so that she is going through so much hurt and pain. He was a truck driver he was home most every night and at times when he wasn’t going to make it home he would call her before she went to bed and in the morning before she went to school and when she got out of school is she just don’t understand the sudden loss of communication with him. We do see a grief counselor because I just can’t deal with all the pain and I need to take it out with someone.

    My husband was my soulmate my world and we did everything together and we didn’t mind being together all the time, it’s like if you look at me there is only a half of a person a half of a body, because my other half is gone, so I’m overwhelmed I’m devastated, I’m lost, exhausted, off-balance in a world win there’s times I feel like I’m in a nightmare and I want to wait up front sometimes I just say I just don’t get it why is he gone off-balance in a world win there’s times I feel like I’m in a nightmare and I want to wait up front sometimes I just say I just don’t get it why is he gone. My husband had a brain aneurysm and got him into the hospital within 15 minutes of it happening, they took care of it he was doing fine he was talking moving his limbs, he new who everybody was he was laughing and singing this went on for the next eight days and and then he was just gone. I don’t understand I don’t get it why my husband, it hurt so bad. I feel like I’ve been hit by a tsunami.

    With all that going on inside then finding out that his life insurance policy lapse and we don’t have no income and family acting funny after telling me we are going to be here for you whatever you need lies…….lies!!!

    At times I just don’t know what to say and I can’t find words to say I’m just so loss without him

    Reply

  • pat

    July 10th, 2016 at 12:32 AM

    Just not getting any easier with each minute that passes. From the time I wake till I take my pill at night I find myself clock watching. Neither my husband or I believed in after life but it must be a comfort to some on here. I actually get real annoyed when people say David wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad. How the hell do they know! At least our daughter acknowledges if it had been the other way round he would have been the same. My friend came out yesterday and was helpful. We watched a program I had recorded about body donors (David left his body to the local university) and although emotional was also interesting and made me feel proud of what he had done. Because there was no funeral I have had a bench placed at a lovely walk by the river where we used to go 40 years ago when we were courting. It has a lovely plaque with his name on it. I have invited family and friends to come along today to see it. Nothing formal, no drinks or meal etc… but I am feeling anxious about it as hadn’t realised quite how many people may come along. As for family. Yes they promise the world and all their support but mostly not there when I need them which has only added to my despair. One son who only lives 30 miles away has visited once and phoned once. He told my daughter he can’t phone as I just cried. I know they have busy lives but it would have been nice if they had given me a day and where I was priority . Don’t want to hear another person say it’s their way of grieving or ‘your children need you’. Seeing a mental health person tomorrow so we shall see. I will never accept his death till the day I go and have an ache in my heart 24/7 I cry so much it exhausts me physically. Our daughter has been at a music festival for last 2 days and is going back after David’s memorial bench gathering which I feel is just another slap on the face. I am distraught all the time but today will be very emotional for me so where is the support. One son I have to say has been a rock but don’t want to lay it all on him. Life has just got so hard I can’t deal with it anymore without David by my side. Tears flowing again – how long can we suffer like this it’s just awful. Want him back here so so bad. Got so much to tell him and ask him. Would always say ‘what do you think’. Now there is just silence. Can’t believe I woke again this morning. I truly hoped I wouldn’t. This site is the only way I realise there are more of us out there and I am not crazy. Can also say how I feel without getting funny looks or here ‘she goes again’. Councilor says it’s a long road but I don’t want to go down this road I want to reverse thousands of miles. Suppose I’ll have to go and have a shower today as going out. So hard as He died in my arms in the bathroom as he said’ I’m going, I’m going, I’m sorry’. See and hear that all the time like replay in my head. Feel my heart is breaking in two………

    Reply

  • Marybeth

    July 10th, 2016 at 8:11 PM

    I know how you feel lost my husband of 38 years. It will be a year in 2 weeks that he has been gone. Life just sucks without him. He was my world my everything. Im on medication. Seeing a therapist. Dr. I just can’t imagine living my life without him

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    July 10th, 2016 at 2:09 PM

    thanks for supportive comments and good to see what everyone says. no hope. want the old normal. functioning except when i fall apart. 99.9% sad. yes. there is .01 joy to see a flower ( and wish to show steve) or eat take out food ( and wish to share with steve…) do not want to do this for too long. working on decluttering. found a picture of us 30 years old from the news paper. love him so. love being team us. so impossible to adjust to anything else. loved and want our shared life. but it is gone. forever sad. all be well or better than me…..thanks

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 10th, 2016 at 3:44 PM

    …Pat, it must have been very traumatic for you to have your husband die in your arms….No wonder you are struggling…I’m so sorry you are in such pain…..My husband died in Intensive Care, he could no longer breathe for himself, they took his Oxygen mask off and he lasted approx 2mins…I stood and watched the monitors…I watched his Oxygen level falling..The nurse told me not to watch it, but I had to….It dropped to zero, but his heart beat on for a while, then he was gone, he looked the best I had seen him for months as he lay dead in that bed while myself and my son looked on….Pulmonary Fibrosis is a horrible disease, he did not deserve it, but he fought on like he always did with everything…I was thinking today, the kind of man he had always been, strong and active, he would not have coped with sitting in a chair all day on Oxygen hardly able to move…I think him dying before he got to this stage was the kindest thing for him…death, the ultimate defeat….I told him near the end, you’ll still be here, just in a different place, just wait for me……It’s very early days for you Pat…Please don’t give in….x

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    July 10th, 2016 at 6:19 PM

    oh pat. same here. all the same. but my steve is in the ground. but…..i love the memorial bench idea. the memorial bench. this is too hard. i want the old normal same as most of us. the new normal they call it…it’s not normal. i’m sorting through papers and getting sad. i have to get a hunk of work done in this realm before i can exit. steve does not want me to suffer but i am called to go thru these papers and get the important stuff to an archive and burn the personal and recycle so much. cannot complete the task but cannot desist from it. can’t say be well. we aren’t. take care as best you can. remember crying a lot can actually make you dehydrated. drink water cry tears….ciao all & miao…i love my cats. but i want my husband home now. 37 weeks and 5 days is too much time apart and the time will only grow. tomorrow and tuesday i will do my darnedest to stay off line and write to steve in a word processing program. about our shared life, my grief, our love. the loss…..it’s too much. too much for me. either others did not love as much or they are much more strong and….resilient. there is the word. i am reliant. on my love. who is not here. not dependent. just interdependent. one shared life. and i loved it. i love him……you know. cuidado. the spanish word is better….

    Reply

  • Janice

    July 12th, 2016 at 1:04 PM

    I am on an incredible backslide–stuck and unable to cope–have not dressed for two days, crying and crying and reliving the past. The date is nearing on July 15th when Werner had the first of five sudden cardiac arrests and number six took his life. I am agonizing once again over the fact that I did not attempt CPR on him that final morning–I was on the phone with the dispatcher and completely overcome and frightened–but he had always resuscitated on his own and by the time the EMTs arrived, he was conscious. His defibrillator got his heart back in rhythm, but what I did not know at the time, is the CPR is to get blood flow to the brain–so literally minutes later, Werner had a seizure and died. I am still blaming myself and will never be able to move beyond that. Had I done compressions he might possibly have made it to the ER which was just across the street. I am just sick with guilt, sick with grieving and despite months of trying to analyze and understand how this happened, I have to finally realize that his heart was just not strong enough to respond to the cardioversion provided by his ICD. HOW do I move on from this? I have kept busy, visited family, gardened, and even spent time with friends–and today I am a horrible, terrible mess–and it’s been almost nine months–I am still blaming myself and have spent hours on Sudden Cardiac Arrest websites, trying to find answers. It’s futile. I just cannot accept his death and that he is gone–it’s brutally painful and whatever resolve I had to attempt living has truly flown out the window…how do I lessen the guilt, the pain and the remorse that it was my fault?

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 12th, 2016 at 3:57 PM

    …Janice….Listen to me, it’s not your fault, from what you have said… His time had come…My husband had lung disease for over 5 yrs…he survived way longer than he should have….the prognosis is 2-4yrs….I even blame myself for the day he went out into the cold to cut wood for our fire….I was hoovering the lounge, he went out to give me space to hoover…I told him not to go, it was really cold, I told him it would make him cough, just stay indoors I wouldn’t be long…..He went out into the cold to give me space I think….the very next day he felt ill. Over the next few days he developed Pneumonia, went into hospital and was dead within 3 days….I still blame myself for hoovering….this is how silly it is. His time was up, just like your husband I suspect…..Don’t do it to yourself, you don’t deserve it…. You are blameless….x

    Reply

  • Janice

    July 12th, 2016 at 8:55 PM

    Thank you, Sandra–I know you are right, there were many other factors involved–but even in the hotel room, with six EMTs standing over him, it never occurred to me that he would die. I assumed they would start preparing him for transport to the ER–the blessing for me is that he held me tightly in his arms (but could not speak, due to CPAP mask) and I told him I loved him…I think he knew what was happening and then it was over. We were not prepared–had not discussed his impending death because with heart failure,, you are constantly getting meds adjustments, fluid removal, pacer checks, and on and on–he wasn’t even in advanced heart failure–but ventricular arrhythmias are very serious. We have very similar stories–and if I remember reading your story correctly, you had also been married for many years. It’s just all so difficult and I so appreciate your words. Tomorrow has to be a bit better. There are still so many matters to deal with on the home front and I would like to be around awhile more for my two children and three small grandchildren.

  • Janice

    July 12th, 2016 at 3:45 PM

    I want to add that one of his Mayo doctors called me in November and tried to assure me that it was not my fault–but it’s hard to let go of that thought…and I’m also blaming them for discharging him too soon after his surgery…trying to piece together all the words we spoke to each other that last day and evening–oh, God, how I wish he were here with me again…

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    July 12th, 2016 at 4:17 PM

    oh janice. sudden cardiac death web sites. i haven’t been there. but i share much of the rest. today is 38 weeks exactly. i swore i would stay on task and write on the blank page not here but i snuck over. solidarity in this suffering. i do not think there is an end to it……how to manage? with great difficulty and pain…..ciao

    Reply

  • Janice

    July 12th, 2016 at 9:00 PM

    Rebecca, I love how you say “sneak over” to this website–yes, I should also be doing more constructive things, but I think my two days of total inertia and disengagement are over–but I hate this. I hate living alone. It is horrifying to me. There is no joy, no light, no laughter, no life — but there is my love, which never dies…peace to you, my friend

    Reply

  • pat

    July 13th, 2016 at 12:56 AM

    Janice really know how you feel. My David had cancer in 2014. He had chemo and surgery and recovered really well. In February they discovered he had secondary cancer – brain tumour and insignificant lung cancer. It was terminal. Surgeon operated on his brain which went well but day 2 in hospital he had a blinding headache. Staff just kept giving him pain killers and eventually scan at 6am next morning as he was unresponsive. He had suffered a bleed on the brain and the result of that surgery was like a major stroke, I blame myself for not insisting they do a scan the night before. After 53 days in hospital he came home 6th May. We were so excited. He came on in leaps and bounds. Could dress wash walk. 17 days later he took a breathless turn. I called doctor out but instead of coming to house she phoned and said ‘it was just his condition’. 2 days later I called doctor out again who said he had urine infection. 2 hours after doc left my husband died in my arms saying ‘he was going and sorry’. I blame myself every day for not insisting doctor came out the first time. My councilor says I shouldn’t blame myself as that doctor made a judgment call not me. I have since written a letter asking for answers to all my questions to the doctors practice. I did try CPR but it was too late. No matter what anyone says I am wracked with guilt and like you and others here just can’t get past it. We reckoned he would have at least a year before the lung cancer took over and I feel so cheated. At time the feeling is so overwhelming it takes my breath away. Don’t know how we can survive without our husbands, lovers and best friends. So many things I want to ask/tell him. this seems so impossible. Don’t think I am crying so much now just feel this terrible sadness.and distance from everyone around me. Even watching TV is awful as I want to say to him ‘what do you think of that’ or ‘how do they do that’. Hate unlocking my door when I return from work or doctors (the only 2 places I ever go) as David always unlocked the door for me as were always together. Putting that key in the lock is such a poignant reminder of what I have lost and how alone I am. Wouldn’t it be nice to know I could go to sleep tonight and never waken again. Mental health nurse says I am still in shock but it will get better it was 7 weeks ago today. Don’t actually believe it will get better. If anything it’s worse as each day goes by as longer since I held his hand. Just wish so much I had made that doctor come out or I had taken him to hospital that day. If only….How do we get past this?

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 13th, 2016 at 11:34 AM

    hi all it’s going to storm here and all i want is steve here. i hate this and echo the question how to we get past this and i think the answer is we don’t. stuck in forever sad…………….i think…………..?

    if there is a way out i want it. b well if you can, grievers…..how well can we be?

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    July 13th, 2016 at 7:19 PM

    o pat. ouch i feel it. your ouch. 7 weeks..i am 38 weeks and one day and it is worse. worse worse worse. no escape……what to say? be as well as you can….which may be not very……………take care

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 14th, 2016 at 10:14 AM

    I don’t even know how to say this. Yes, I have been ‘living’ my life. I take care of my granddaughter, go to the movies, do my hair, my nails (Raul loved it that I took good care of myself), etc, etc. However, the one year anniversary of his death has hit me harder than I ever could imagine. I miss him so much it hurts. I have been, not only crying, but desperate that I can’t be with him. Never in my life did I imagine I would be without him. I logically believed that sooner or later, he would go before me but Now? I need his hugs, his voice, him, period.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 14th, 2016 at 2:41 PM

    Vivian….I’m at 16 months, feel the same…Think I’m having a good day, then it all comes flooding back…When he was in Intensive Care dying…He opened his eyes, fighting the Morphine, struggling to keep them open, then reached with his hand ever so slowly to take my hand..He held it briefly, I would love to know what he was thinking…the look in his eyes haunts me…Our youth together keeps flooding my mind…We were so into each other, I don’t ever want to forget him..He was the best thing that ever happened to me…I’m just so sad right now, it’s hard trying to act ‘normal’ around other people…I’m wishing the time away so I can hopefully feel better and finally accept him gone…But….I will always love him and never forget, I’ll just live with my memories….Keep him alive in my head….I just talk to him like he’s still here, I can feel him around me, even my son talks to his photograph when he comes to my house….He has taken it quite hard, he is an only child, he relied a lot on his father, we both did, he was a great family man…..The best…Keep venting people….x

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 15th, 2016 at 4:20 AM

    Raul did the same in the final day of his life. He looked at me and tried to talk fighting the Morphine. I told him I knew he loved me and it also haunts me that he couldn’t get out what he was trying to tell me, but we were so in tune with each other that, in my heart, he was saying goodbye and that he loved me and didn’t want to leave me.

  • pat

    July 15th, 2016 at 8:17 AM

    David did manage to say ‘where is it,where is it’ meaning the ambulance but then said’I’m going, I’m going, I’m sorry’ then he was gone. Didn’t even get the chance to tell him he had nothing to be sorry for. Missing him so much it takes my breath away. Not crying as much now but feeling lower and sadder than ever. Didn’t really know it was possible to feel this sad till now. Every time I come in from work still expect him to have my cup of tea waiting and a cheery hello and hug. Tears flowing now again. How do we carry on.

  • Rebecca

    July 14th, 2016 at 4:17 PM

    feel your ouch and i will have my own in a few months and it will be horrible. i don’t do granddaughter hair and nails. i imagine i will have a met down. understand how you feel. know that helps a tiny drop and you need raul and i need steve….impossible situations. i do some stuff but expect to /hope to?/ think about? dying naturally of grief after enough is done. hurting all the time. i never imagined i would out live steve. never imagined being without him. never. what idiotic belief systems but had there been some education…i’d still be this bereft and i bet you would be too. what help is there for us all….i don’t know…but i wish for some………………ouch ouch ouch ………you need to hurt now. the pain is huge…… there is no other option is there…take care

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 15th, 2016 at 8:21 AM

    Yes Vivian….Miles and I were also in tune, he always treat me with great respect all the time we were married…The way he treat me spoke volumes…he never even used bad language in front of me, as he didn’t in front of his mother either….When he reached for my hand, it was so tender, and the look in eyes, I knew he was saying goodbye, he was sorry and he loved me….It breaks my heart to think about it….It’s such a struggle……!

    Reply

  • Marybeth

    July 15th, 2016 at 11:02 AM

    Life will never be the same. July 18 will be one year. It’s just so hard. We were married 38 years. He was my world

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 15th, 2016 at 2:37 PM

    …Marybeth….We don’t know exactly how you feel, but we have god d*** good idea….We’re all in the same boat…It sucks big time…but what’s to be done? It’s just sh***y life….We will listen to you, and feel for you, we understand…Keep venting…x

    Reply

  • pat

    July 16th, 2016 at 1:25 PM

    Having a really bad night. David was a total hoarder and my friend has been coming out to help me clear, Just feel he is disappearing from my life. This is so hard and I am so sad. One woman I spoke to recently whose husband died a year ago said ‘it gets easier – there are thousands of us’. Well I don’t care I only care about my loss. My therapist says her mum and dad are not near as close as David and I were.I just want him back 41 years and he was everything to me. Gets harder every minute of every day. People say it’s only been 53 days and I am still suffering from the shock and trauma,I can’t ever see that changing, The ache never subsides. Doctor concerned about my weight etc… but I don’t care. Not washing or sorting hair.Feeling sick constantly. Getting my house and affairs in order but it’s taking so long. Can’t go back to solicitor till I have title deeds which will take about 2 weeks. And still have so much of his art to sort out. It’s taking ages. Really need to sort out all of these things. Has anyone drank themselves into oblivion – haven’t tried that yet. I just want oblivion but have all these tasks to sort first.Feeling so so low. No joy or happiness anymore – it’s all gone.

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  • Ann

    July 17th, 2016 at 4:49 AM

    Pat, I understand where you are coming from. I had someone say that to me at a bereavement group recently. They said ‘we are all in the same boat’, well that may be so but this is me and my loss! As to the sorting out, do you really have to, if it doesn’t feel like the right time and his possessions are not hurting anyone or in the way, then just leave them be. It has been 7 months for me and I don’t intend to sort anything out just yet, it would be like letting him go. His coat, hat and shoes are still in the cloakroom and his toiletries are still in the bathroom. If you don’t mind them being there then leave them alone until the time does feel right. Please look after yourself, it is what he would have wanted, be kind to yourself, take one day at a time. It is an awful time and yes it seems like it won’t get better. Sometimes it suddenly hits me, the finality of it all and then I wail and weep, don’t be afraid of letting go of that scream, it’s normal, it’s because we loved them so and we were so close, I’m thinking of you. We will never get over this, we will learn to live with the pain but that just shows how much we were in love with our soul mates. Be well and keep safe and keep in touch.

    Reply

  • pat

    July 17th, 2016 at 11:14 AM

    Anne I haven’t touched my husbands clothes (apart from some jackets and shoes so I could get into cupboard)His toiletries are still in bathroom and his gown where he left it along with his watch on the bedside cabinet. The stuff I have been going through was mainly the fact he was a compulsive hoarder regarding receipts, empty boxes, lots and lots of paper, boxes and boxes of paint, plastic tubs etc….I have found this really difficult as he kept every map, ticket stub, boarding pass, tourist leaflets from the lots of wonderful holidays we had but I knew I had to clear space. He mentioned several times over the last couple of years he was going to have a clear out but never did. I have kept about 3 boxes of stuff that I just wanted to. He also has thousands of photos and dozens of paintings which I have kept. He also had 4 computers and hundreds of cameras and photographic equipment. This is all still here but I know I have to get my house in order. It will be a long slow process. My friend has been a great help. Just want to know that when I go all his important items are kept safe. Having a very bad day today. Mostly spent in bed then daughter turns up 6.30 at night. She asked me what I had been doing today. How do you answer that? Crying and missing him so badly. Didn’t manage a shower but washed my hair. that’s about it so therapist needn’t say to me I would be missed.

  • Ann

    July 22nd, 2016 at 6:37 AM

    Pat, bless you. I think we have to work through this grief and it takes time. In some ways it is different for everyone yet in other ways it is the same. There are no rules or fast fixes, just take one day at a time. It is so unreal that our minds can’t make sense of it all. Crying is good. I’ve done the what ifs, still doing it, if only I had done this or said that but can’t go back in time and undo it. It is so very sad. Keep in touch, my thoughts are with you.

  • Vivian

    July 16th, 2016 at 4:13 PM

    I was thinking whether it is a good idea for me to “vent” today because I will just depress everyone. I thought that maybe, even though life will never be better, I would get used to finding that new normal of being alone. Well, I was wrong. It’s been a little over a year and the longing is overwhelming me. I NEED him so much it hurts. I can’t seem to be ok with not being able to turn to him.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 16th, 2016 at 4:37 PM

    how DO we carry on? carrying the load of pain. love turned to grief. love still there. love as longing. the huge emptiness. how? clueless at 38 weeks and 4 days and it seems to be getting worse. the missing him, wanting only him. not wanting to move away from where he left me. yes. he was my world. he is my world…… suspecting it will never be okay. never ever. and it was so wonderful……. when my beloved was alive and here….

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 16th, 2016 at 8:45 PM

    oh pat. i’m sorting too. who wants an 1890 encyclopedia? my husband loved books. we have so much in this house. i know how you feel. but do treat yourself to a nice tub bath and scrub your hair. you deserve it. here i have papers papers and papers to go thru. i am glad my love will live on in an archive but i miss him by my side so much. ppl are starting to tell me to care about the tragedies of the world and i never don’t. it’s not mutually exclusive. i love and miss my dear. and i miss the future we will not have. and i am scared. and i too am overwhelmed. i hate that i am using the retirement fund to hire ppl to help me but this decluttering is not a one woman job, even if i did not have a broken heart….. we all hurt so much….it’s silly to say be well. we have no choice but to feel the pain do we? glad for cats to hug. missing my human. so so much…ok….b as well as u can…ciao

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  • pat

    July 17th, 2016 at 11:21 AM

    Rebecca yes I have old ordinance survey maps, old medical books, old dictionaries, loads of pens pencils etc…tax discs going back to 1983. This is so hard. I also have my cats but they have been bringing me birds and mice which David always dealt with. Now I have to do it – just another task he used to do. Feeling very sad and low today. Working tomorrow so hoping it may distract me for a while.Feel like my heart stopped when his did..

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  • Sandra

    July 17th, 2016 at 8:45 AM

    ..Vivian, you’re not depressing anyone…We are depressed already…I feel for the moderators on this thread checking our comments….They must feel a bit depressed themselves…..The 2nd year is definitely worse ( for me anyway)….I even feel guilty if I feel remotely happy….I just see Miles everywhere I look….In the kitchen, in the lounge, in the garden , even in the shops….I pass his place of work every other day, he worked there for over 35yrs…I can see him standing on the pavement waving at me and smiling….On the day of his funeral, his work lowered their flag to half-mast to show respect…Never been known before…He worked for a very big firm, known worldwide….He was very liked, the church was full to overflowing…I was flabbergasted…Now my days consist of 2 steps forward and 3 steps back…..It’s got to get better…hasn’t it?

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  • Vivian

    July 17th, 2016 at 11:34 AM

    Sandra, every word you say is what I feel. Raul is everywhere and in every moment of my life. He is in my mind when I choose what to eat, where to go, what to do. I can imagine what he would say to me at any given moment. Maybe some people can handle the separation. I can’t. We were inseparable, we held hands constantly, smiled at each other just by looking at each other, we thought of each other first in every situation, we said I love you, not just every day but all the time. When I say that we were one, it’s the truth. When he found out he was sick, he told the doctor “I can’t leave her” That is the first thing he thought about, me. He was and is my perfect love.

    Reply

  • pat

    July 18th, 2016 at 8:25 AM

    Vivian that’s exactly how it was with David and I. We cuddled up together on the couch, held hands all the time, Constant kisses and hugs and ‘love you’. My therapist has said her parents are not like that and she reckons that’s why it’s so hard for me. Several times a day I just can’t breath at the thought I won’t see him again. David also knew I would struggle without him hence his last words to me ‘I’m sorry’. Will be 8 weeks on Wednesday and definitely not getting easier. If anything it’s becoming more and more difficult. I am working more hours than last week but it’s just in the hope it will make time pass quicker. Only thing keeping me going is my daughters baby (due today) but that will be bitter sweet as David was so looking forward to the arrival. Not sure if I will be able to muster the strength to go to the hospital where David was for 53 days prior to coming home and spending 17 precious days with me. At least this site allows us to tell each other exactly how we are feeling as I am sure some think I should be getting on with it. Thanks to all of you as it is comforting to know I am not going crazy or maybe we all are.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 18th, 2016 at 10:49 AM

    Pat, I will tell you this. My daughter has a 2 and half year old baby girl, who is a joy for me. Raul was crazy about her when she was born and she was only one and a half when he died. She makes me put on my happy face and I have to admit, she makes life a little easier. She is a very smart little girl and kept asking for a while, when is Papo coming? We had to tell her he was in heaven so she said ok, but when is he coming back? So we had to tell her she was an angel in heaven and that’s why he couldn’t come back. She seemed to accept that but she still asks me “Do you miss Papo, I miss Papo too” I can’t imagine what goes through that baby’s mind. She sees my pain and I can’t always hide it, but she keeps me going. I will admit, there are times I just can’t deal and I truly need my alone time (a Lot) . Look, I can function and be mom, and grandma, what kills me is that I am no longer the loved wife. That was everything to me and that will never change. I am his.

  • Pat

    July 18th, 2016 at 9:55 AM

    I am also going into the second year without my husband and its isn’t much easier. Last weekend I finished moving from our home of 24 years. It was our dream home with seclusion from the outside world. Our place of peace and just being with each other. It was perfect, but not without him. When I met the new owners, I was sure they were sent there by God for me. The woman had the same color hair, skin tone and even the same type of dogs we had for 15 years. I cried with joy because I knew my husband had a
    hand in sending them there. I am now far away in another home,
    smaller, not much privacy and without him. I don’t like setting up a home without him, we always made these decisions together. I feel like I’m going on without him a and I don’t want to. I also spend lots of time in bed, don’t shower everyday, don’t really love doing anything. I feel like I’m a fifth wheel around my child and her family I’ve moved near. They don’t treat me that way, it’s just the way I am. The pain is always there, the memories are wonderful but make me miss him even more. I hate the term “new chapter in your life”. I was perfectly fine with the old chapter. This pain wiLl never end, as my love for hime will never end.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 17th, 2016 at 2:49 PM

    vivian, sandra, moderators: yeah we are bereaved unto depression. we are a unique kind of sad. worse than any i have experienced. sandra, kind of you to think we may be depressing them. it ‘s got to get better? based on what i read— on here and elsewhere….. i don’t think so and i find the prospect of long term misery terrifying. don’t you? off to visit someone in the hospital. gathering streghth for it and a bit scared of even that. wanted to just pull weeds but someone asks for support…..must give, while needing my own. 38 weeks and five days. make time go back and change the story. nothing else will do……………………forever sad

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  • Sandra

    July 18th, 2016 at 9:04 AM

    ..Rebecca…..I feel like I do depress people, yes moderators included….People’s sympathy will only stretch so far has been said by others…So we put an act on and try to look like we are coping, well I do, but what I am when I’m on my own is not what I am around others…’ it’s got to get better ‘?…..Maybe better was the wrong word to use, maybe easier would have been more apt…..I don’t intend to stay miserable long term…Miles would not want his legacy to be associated with the word misery…he was an upbeat man ( until he took ill )…..I will be down for years, but I don’t want his memory to be a negative thing…We had lots and lots of good years together, that’s what I will focus on, while I wait to join him…I told him to wait for me….!

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  • Vivian

    July 18th, 2016 at 9:17 AM

    Rebecca, I don’t think people can truly understand unless they go through it and even then some go through it but their marriages were not as close. For us, we were a part of each other. What were we thinking when we used to talk about what to do, what he wanted me to do “when he was gone” We had no clue the pain that was waiting for me. I know that I will never be the same, the world is not the same, so many things about life don’t matter anymore, I don’t dream of vacations or look forward to things because he is NOT HERE. I love it when I’m told he will always be with you, well he’s not HERE. I want to hold him, talk to him, laugh with him, plan, hope, dream. All that is gone.

    Reply

  • graham

    July 19th, 2016 at 6:54 AM

    lost my wife 9 march 2016 I feel the same as you after 45 years together I feel the same as you nobody can know what its like unless it happens to them I feel life is unimportant now I will never be the same again price of love

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 19th, 2016 at 8:37 AM

    …Hi Graham…So sorry for your loss…I lost my husband 15th March 2015 after 48 yrs together and 44 yrs married….All of us here have a pretty good idea how you are feeling, although grief is a very personal thing to individuals….I don’t think any of us will ever be the same again…yes indeed, there’s always a price to pay……We are here to listen if you need to vent…!

  • Janice

    July 18th, 2016 at 9:25 AM

    Thank you, EVERYONE–days slide into weeks–I have no recollection of what I did last week–now it’s Monday and I’m in complete inertia–can hardly get moving today–the despair is endless and despite all half-hearted attempts to engage in life, it’s horrible. As I survey the disastrous mess that my home and life have become, the awareness that we will never see our spouses in this world again becomes brutally real. Pat, I am nearing 9 months and have not moved anything from my husband’s space–I have neither the desire nor the energy and now will wait for winter. There is just this ongoing, heavy weight in my chest of loss and it never goes away, even when I’m busy. It still amazes me that people are shocked when they ask “how are you doing” and I respond “not very well” — as IF I should be all lightness and joy. How can 47 years of marriage have gone by so quickly and how do we cope? I am truly struggling…

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 18th, 2016 at 10:31 AM

    good to be connected with you all. i have not many people without steve. it’s too hard. i am waiting to die and do not want to stay here long…it is such suffering…..but there is so much to do and the work is slow….as i cannot go fast because my heart is broken and i am too sad to function right. it’s torture. you know? but i can’t abandon his papers or mine. i wish it could all be done faster. i want my love back. all i want is it to be october again and to save his life. this has been what i say over and over. it is no solution since it is impossible but there is no other solution. so bereaved. and still in shock. 39 weeks tomorrow . misery. after 36 years of joy. i want the misery to end so the great legacy is love and joy….you know? and i wonder where the other ppl went. have they found solace? the others who used to post. i am not making progress. i feel like a failure. but this is a slow thing right? slow torturesome misery. my steve should be alive. we needed to call 911. the sadness will never end. despondent.
    take care…

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 18th, 2016 at 10:36 AM

    Sandra, I agree.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 18th, 2016 at 11:20 AM

    vivian. yes. same here. yes.

    Reply

  • Rich

    July 20th, 2016 at 6:06 AM

    It’s been over 5 months since Janet passed. While every day is filed with sadness there are times when I’m almost back to normal.
    As crazy as it sounds I don’t want normal again. My sadness and pain connects me to Janet. At her memorial service we played Diamond Rio, “One more Day”. I think I played it about a dozen times last night. Cried my eyes out but felt her close to her.
    I would rather feel the pain everyday than allow her to become a distant memory.

    Rich

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 20th, 2016 at 8:36 AM

    ..Rich…Miles has been gone 16 months…I cried half an hour ago….I know it will go on…I don’t ever want to forget him…I actually feel quite connected to him as you do with your wife….I have a few songs I have saved on my favourites bar on my laptop from around the time he died…I play them now and again, but they always upset me to much…I’m a bit mad at him at the moment, because he won’t visit me in my dreams ..( how silly )….I just keep wishing I had gone first….This is never going to leave me, I know it’s not…..I’m still sad even when I have a good day…..Even this far down the line, I keep thinking there’s been some kind of mistake somewhere…..!

    Reply

  • pat

    July 20th, 2016 at 1:07 PM

    Hi Rich know what you mean. It’s 8 weeks today since I last saw spoke and held David. Explained to doctor it feels worse as time goes on as it’s longer since I saw him. Not crying as much although a wreck today but feel a constant intense sadness. Every day of the week I relive my last week with him. Constantly in my head. Doctor seemed a bit surprised by this but gave me a another line for phased return to work as struggling to be there 8 hours at a time. Don’t know why because it’s with a heavy heart I come home and putting the key in the door to unlock it hurts so so much. I had never unlocked our door. We moved to this house 13 years ago as family all moved out. This was our perfect little home. David always unlocked the door for me so I could get the kettle on while he got the shopping from the car or shut the drive gate. So putting the key in the door is so symbolic that he is not here. Understand your pain and longing with us forever as well as our love.

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  • Vivian

    July 22nd, 2016 at 8:24 PM

    Rich, I know what you mean. My son is visiting with his wife and 3 boys and the days are busy with so many things that it almost feels normal. When they would visit in the past, I would be so busy with everything and our son would do things with his Dad. But then when things calm down, I feel the emptiness, the fact that I will go to my room alone and not get the comfort and closeness of us alone together. I may not be expressing myself well but there are times when I believe I may be finding a way to live and function without him and all of a sudden, the slightest memory, song, or place will bring me to tears. I do know one thing, I cannot think about the future, it scares me to think I need to live without him, I only think about one day at a time.

    Reply

  • graham

    August 2nd, 2016 at 8:28 AM

    totally agree she is never far from my heart and mind

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 2nd, 2016 at 9:19 AM

    Amen. I feel the same way—24/7.

  • Annie

    August 3rd, 2016 at 8:07 AM

    Hi Rich. It’s not about church it’s about you as a believer. He will get us through this pain. I know how you feel. We were worship leaders and listening to music makes me fall apart. Praying for you for peace and comfort.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 20th, 2016 at 11:12 AM

    hi rich good to here you are well tho not well. been wondering how you are and miss you cheering us all on…you really were. oh what you say…..is true. now here is a copy of what i put on Facebook. so i am very not well. i am feeling the pain…………take care all.
    paste of my “regular” fb post follows. all be well

    39 weeks and a day the way i count. or 9 months on the calendar. oct 20-july 20. the time it takes to make a baby. but what is birthed is more grief. trying not to be on here but a date is important to announce. my steve gone. yes, mine. and i am forever his. and not managing without him. ( sorry folks but it’s the truth). you don’t have to do anything but keep scrolling and know: we were a team in the world. he took care of me in more ways than i knew. i never thought he would pre decease me. we were fool enough to plan. but no plans can be made by humans. we were wise enough to know:
    i could not manage without him. and i am not. i cared for him too….but in the end we failed…and i failed more so because i was not the one in pain …..i failed to save his life and am now forever sad. just file this under pitiful announcements and keep scrolling. stay cool. fight the good fight. take care of who you love. dial 911……. for your loved one, when you don’t know you need to…now how will you do that? remember the wonder of steve……
    thanks

    well i posted that to regular fb but..just wanted to share. thanks. nothing is helping me. i am not ok without my love. like what rich says. it helps. thanks rich. all be well

    Reply

  • graham

    July 20th, 2016 at 11:16 AM

    hi Sandra thank you for your comment. its nice to know your not going mad. and somebody else gets it my lovely wife battled peritoneal cancer for 7 years I loved her so much I couldn’t believe she would die. so lost in an alien world

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  • Ann

    July 22nd, 2016 at 6:49 AM

    Graham, so sorry to hear your sad news. Yes welcome to this alien world, I like that. I lost my husband in December 2015 after 39 years of marriage. It is very hard, you can’t quite get your head around the fact that they are no longer here. I feel that he is just away at the moment and will be returning home soon but I know the truth. I was there and it’s devastating, emotions and thoughts filling your mind. It’s the finality of it all that is so scary plus it makes you realise how fragile life is and now I think about my own mortality. I never did that before, I guess I just thought we’d live forever. Do keep in touch here, my thoughts are with you.

    Reply

  • graham

    July 25th, 2016 at 7:16 AM

    ann I also know the truth my tricia went through so much after the years of dealing with the three monthly scans and the oncologists the treatment chemo scared her kidneys she went through so much pain she sighed the no more treatment .but I still didn’t take it in because I didn’t ever want to be without her so I watched her fade away it was so horrible I have the same messed up emotions as you have ito think about my own demise soon may it be I hope. want to be with the love of my life forever sorry to be so downbeat its her birthday tomorrow .and only I will feel the pain

  • pat

    July 20th, 2016 at 1:25 PM

    Sandra I know what you mean by ‘mistake’. Sometimes when someone mentions David’s death it’s like ‘what’ has this really happened. Although I’m sad all the time sometimes the reality I won’t see him again hits me and I can barely breath it’s overwhelming. I received a card this morning from friends who had visited his bench and it was like someone had just told me he had died. I was distraught. So difficult to explain apart from on here. Thanks to you all again for reassurance I am not going mad.

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  • Lucy

    July 20th, 2016 at 6:06 PM

    Hello everyone… I accidentally found this page when I typed “how to keep going on after the death of husband”… Its been 2 and 1/2 years since my Big Paul (that was his nickname) passed away after a 5 year battle with cancer. He was a minister and everyone loved him. We were married for 28 years and I am the mother of his two grown sons. I went completely insane the first year. I barely remember much of it. The second year was much worse, as if that were possible. I FELT suicidal but I would NEVER do it. And this? This third year a dull black depression has set in and made itself at home in my heart. I have to work to pay my bills and I have a fulfilling job as a nurse and I am fine while at work, but on the days I have off, I do nothing. I have no energy or desire to do anything. I miss my Big Paul more now than ever. And the missing keeps getting worse and worse, not better with time as so many told me it would. But then, they had not lost their spouse. And I have lost the majority of any friendships that we had together as a couple. I feel completely and utterly abandoned by everyone except my sons and three friends who have stood by me. But my sons live 6 hours away. I still live in the small town where we lived for 30 years. The church, the people he pastored don’t have anything to do with me so I finally quit going. They have embraced the new pastor (which is right) but the people and the pastor totally disregard me as if I am dead too. We led worship together for 28 years. I played the piano and he sang. I cannot play my piano anymore or listen to any music. It kills my heart because every song or tune reminds me of his absence. I used to paint. That is gone. I used to be a lively, vibrant minister’s wife who took youth groups on mission trips and spoke at women’s gatherings and planned each Sunday service and went to nursing school, all at the same time. I was Paul’s wife! Now, I am no one. I have no identity. I am Paul’s widow, but Paul is not here. I would gladly be a nobody and live under a bridge if it meant Paul could be here again with me. All of the things I am typing are horribly selfish sounding. I am just simply LOST without him. I was prepared for him to die. The cancer helped prepare me. But I was not prepared to live on without him and I do not know how to. I relate to the posts that say that you are just waiting to die. That is how I feel now. But I’m only 54 years old. It could be years. Plus, I’m freakin healthy! I have tried grief counseling, drinking large amounts of alcohol, dating, more grief counseling, etc…. nothing works at all. Not one damn thing. Nothing is going to bring him back. And he would be mad if I could bring him back and did because he is where he always looked forward to being! in Heaven! Plus he is healed of the stupid life sucking beast, cancer! I would not bring him back if I could. My sons are carrying on… One is dealing with his grief well and the other is stuffing it. They are the only reason I have to even want to be alive any more. But they live far away and people tell me not to move to be near them. I have had more unsolicited advice given to me than the grains of sand on the beach! Heck, how does anyone know at all what I’m supposed to do? I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do! Well, I’ve introduced my sad, pathetic self to you lovely people who are traveling this road that sucks beyond belief. Its a huge relief to me to read the posts and know I’m not crazy, I’m just a widow. And to whoever started this whole thing. A big thank you…

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  • Louise

    July 23rd, 2016 at 5:24 AM

    Hi Lucy……as I read your post I started to cry. We are almost in the same place. I wish someone could give me a specific date of when this ends. Then I would have something to work towards. Right now I struggle with getting motivated to get out of bed. I can’t get my crap together. My mind races constantly on the past. I cant see a future for myself. Have been a christian for 20 years and find myself questionng my faith. Then the guilt sets in because I’m not trusting God to get me through this. Its a viscous cycle that I’ve tried to pull out of without much success. Why do some people seem to have the strength to walk this out……….I was always told I was a strong person but not in this……in this I feel inadequate. Thank you listening.

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  • Vivian

    July 24th, 2016 at 3:27 PM

    I’ve had those same feelings.

  • Lucy

    August 2nd, 2016 at 9:37 AM

    Hi Louise,
    I’m so terribly sorry you are in a similar place as me but strangely comforted to know I’m not alone in my gut wrenching journey. I wish there was an end that we could look to… Even if I knew I’d be better in X amount of years it would give me a huge sense of relief. But I see no end in sight except my own death. I would never take my own life and at the rate I’m going I’ve got many many years ahead of me alone, without my Big Paul. The thought of ever loving again makes me nauseous so that’s out. Everyone says to get up and get out everyday. Well, I do when I have to go to work but then it’s too huge an effort to just get up and get out when I’m alone. Not one person in my life understands with the exception of my mother who lost my daddy 11 years ago. But she has remarried and so she has a new outlook and doesn’t have to do this life alone. How do you suppose we are going to get out of this rut? My faith in God is the only thing in my life that is intact but He can’t physically come hold me when I cry or go to dinner with me. Surely there is an answer for us! I just cannot fathom living 30 or 40 more years like this! There’s got to be help! But I’ve tried grief counseling as I said in my post and it doesn’t help at all… I’m praying for you. Praying that God will do some kind of miracle in our lives and give us purpose and meaning again. He says in the bible that He cares for the widows and orphans so I’m expecting Him to do that! But I’ll have to get out of bed…
    Prayers and hope for hope,
    Lucy

  • Annie

    August 2nd, 2016 at 11:09 AM

    Hi Louise & Lucy. I know where you are. I lost Bill 3 months ago and my life is so empty. We were both worship team leaders and love God with our whole hearts. We served Him so well and I can’t understand why He took him. I know how empty you both feel. I drove home from our restaurant today once again in tears and wanting so much to hold my husbands hand one more time. I know that this will never be possible but it still is so terribly hard to accept. Don’t ever give up on God. He is who will bring us through this horrible situation. I will pray for both of you for peace and comfort. Know you are not alone in your sorrow.

  • Lucy

    August 2nd, 2016 at 11:47 AM

    Annie, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing it with us. I will be praying for you as well. I just have to believe that God is going to come through for us. He is literally all we have. I suspect that we will find He is all we need… He is the only hope I have for having any type of life worth living in the future. I need Him to show up soon though! The church aspect of our lives is part of what I miss so much… It was what WE did together 24/7! Annie, thank you for your encouragement. Your loss is so fresh… I will be praying for your comfort in the days ahead.
    With prayers,
    Lucy

  • Annie

    August 2nd, 2016 at 2:42 PM

    Hi Lucy. Thanks so much for that response. Feeling very sad today again but keep relying on God for strength to get through. I don’t know if you found it harder to get through the longer it went. I few weeks ago I had some decent days but the last few weeks have been devastating. Yes I do have strong faith and I know God will get me through this but it isn’t easy. I keep relying on His words He won’t give us more than we can handle. I’m so glad to meet you on this site and I will remember you each day in my prayers.

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  • Deb

    July 20th, 2016 at 6:15 PM

    Hi,
    I lost my husband of 31 years on Nov, 16 2006 and I still grieve his death everyday. We met and started to be together exclusively when I was 16 and he was 19. He was 53 when he had a heart attack and died 2 weeks later.
    It doesn’t get much better it just gets different.
    I’m still alone and having trouble with my grown kids. If my husband was still here our relationships would not be so rocky. They lost their dad and they are grieving too but they have moved on with kids and families and I am still so broken. I’m so sorry to be so depressing but everything I enjoyed in life came to a halt 10 years ago. The small bits of joy I do have, like my grandkids are far and few between. It’s like I am living in limbo. I still don’t even know what to make myself for dinner.
    My doc said I should see someone but I don’t want to talk about it to a stranger face to face. I’ll just cry and get a migraine.
    One of the things I have learned is, if I could have him back would I ask him to leave where he is? I think he is in a good place and I wouldn’t want him to leave the good place.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 20th, 2016 at 8:41 PM

    there are several other widow or grief groups i touch base with….mostly via Facebook…..but this non fb group is my favorite. so articulate. you all are. we seem similar in our feelings. it’s so friendly. so here’s me. 9 months on the calendar today. still deeply haunted that i neglected to recognize symptoms and save steve’s life. we both did that….they were subtle…but i am here to tell the tale and feel the pain and i am stuck on oct 19 2015 and that if i had gotten him to the hospital he would be alive now and i would not be a widow. i do not feel that i can go on without him for much longer. i know we have all had these feelings but for me it seems to be getting worse. i am trying to sort his papers..our papers..and i am not talking about a desk but a mess of a house. this work is dovetailing with the grief. i have lost lots of weight and can’t eat or sleep normally. i go to docs and some counsellors but nothing helps. all i want is steve alive. all i want is the shared life we had. one grief counsellor told me he had never seen grief like this and that he did not think i would live long.that some widows can’t make it or take it or manage. so i think i can hurry the papers project but my energy is low. i really do not know what to do. i have minimal support. i am in love with our kitty cats. but i truly feel like i can’t go on. i do not want to go anywhere without steve or do anything….there is plenty to do here. i get comfort being in our space. but …..the grief is so intense. i do not believe in a new normal. i want him to come back and he can’t so all i can think is that will be in the ground by his side after i collapse from pushing it….or something. this is misery. many of you are new – some have been here for a while. really has anyone felt this low? you have right? i can’t go on without steve. not for long. my smile muscles are broken. my heart is broken. the moderators might say something. i don’t know what to do. went to hospice yesterday and had a nice one to one…actually better than the other counselors…and will try a group….but i am in despair. my mama has alzheimers and is getting worse so i feel that too. it would be too hard to travel to see her…i think i would break…i was last there with steve…why was he taken at 67 and brilliant before her? of course i love them both but…..it is not in the natural order of things. i give her phone time several times a week which is the best i can do. i miss and grieve steve so much…it feels like suffering that will not stop and i think it will break me…..what to do….any clue? thank you all.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 21st, 2016 at 10:51 AM

    …Hello to all new people…Welcome, if that’s the right word….It’s so awful to feel comforted by other people’s grief….The sad fact is we are….Yes, there’s no way anyone can understand our situation….We drift along as if in a stupor, then reality smacks us in the face and we just wonder if we are going to survive it….I wish I could offer any advice with was relevant, but I can’t….I would have my husband back in an instant, but with the Pulmonary Fibrosis he had for over 5 yrs before he died, it would be pointless..I would be in the same boat not much further down the line….I long just to touch him, feel him, hear his voice..( I loved the tone of his voice) …you all know what I mean….! All we can do is plod on engulfed by this agony…..I keep getting flash backs of us together when we were young, it’s that bit that really breaks my heart, because back then, I thought we had forever together and it’s gone….Keep thinking of our marriage ceremony…’ Till death us do part ‘….How can it be here already….I can’t even think about my future, it terrifies me….I wish I knew the answer, but I just don’t…..x

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  • pat

    July 22nd, 2016 at 4:31 AM

    Know how you feel Sandra. I mentioned to mental health crisis nurse who visits me that maybe I could get a copy of 999 call so I could listen to his last words to me again but she didn’t think it was a good idea.I re-live our last few days together every week. i.e 9 weeks ago today we were…. and so on. Came across a photo of us when I was about 18 and we look so happy. Every minute of every day is a struggle. Finding it impossible to have any conversation with anyone as all I can think about is David. Got a letter today from building society enclosing a consent form for them to complete and send info to insurance company asking me to also have my husband sign the form! I was raging on the phone. Don’t know how much longer I can stand this intense sadness and pain. Having such bad palpitations keep hoping it won’t be long. To some I believe they may think I’m wallowing in self pity but at least here we understand each other. Unfortunately neither David nor I believe in afterlife so I don not believe we shall see each other again but at least this misery would end.

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  • Sandra

    July 22nd, 2016 at 10:33 AM

    ….Pat….I know it’s no help to you, but it’s only been 9 weeks, it will feel intense…You’re heartbroken…we all are….I’m in my second year and it feels better in one respect and worse in another..I was thinking earlier, if I feel the same or worse next year, then what’s the point…We were a very private couple…As we got older we didn’t socialize a lot…I just felt happy that we were together…( in our own little world, I suppose )….I feel a whole lot more tired this year than I did last year when he died…It’s the weight of living with the fact I’m never going to see him again and being left on my own and having to see to everything else…I’ve had a few problems with the house, car and garden to sort…I feel emotionally worn down and weary…As for wallowing in your grief.? I think you’ve got every entitlement to be wallowing in your grief, even if you were….The best option apparently, is to stay busy, well that’s fine if only we could muster the mental and physical strength to do anything…x

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 23rd, 2016 at 2:38 AM

    Everything you said is what I feel. I just started my second year and it is worse but keeping busy is the way to get through the days. I don’t look too far ahead because if I do I go into despair. So I try to do the things I never had time for, like create all the photo books of all our photos, etc. But I also need to honor what he asked me. Even though, neither one of us could possibly imagine the pain I am going through, he asked me to be strong, a tall order indeed because I am only half as strong since he died, my strength died with him. But I look at our lives and we lived for each other. I can’t stop doing that, I can’t disappoint him no matter how hard this will be for the rest of my life. It may sound silly but I can’t believe that our connection, our special bond can be broken by his passing. I adored (and still do) that man and he adored me. I used to believe that we were unique but after reading all your posts, I realize there were others who have had the blessing of loving and being loved like us.

  • pat

    July 22nd, 2016 at 1:46 PM

    Yes Sandra we were also a very private couple and were content just to be with each other. I feel with each day it’s worse as longer since I touched him. Fells impossible to carry on like this. I do go to work but that’s it.Never feel tired. Exhausted but not tired which is a strange feeling. Have lost over 2 stone so doctor gave me protein shakes. Someone has actually described me as frail. Not caring about how I look or anything else for that matter. When I go to bed I can feel my heart pounding so much bed is moving.Just really want him back even for a couple of hours just to have a chat and a hug. Wouldn’t that be lovely. My heart is breaking. Thanks to all of you on here for understanding.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 22nd, 2016 at 8:11 PM

    hi people. it s so understanding here. pat i feel like you. now a woman widowed a year and a quarter before me was here for dinner. i think of her as a good widow and me as a bad widow. she is accepting of her situation and very involved with family and community and has a full life. it blows my mind. it causes me to think there are 2 categories of us those who can cope and those who can’t. it seems may of us on here are in the latter category. correct me if i am wrong. and today someone posted on fb that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional and i don’t think it is optional. i feel myself and most of us to be suffering with no option. and also in pain. i do not know what will happen to us. i can’t imagine improvement and all i want is the impossible. which is to say i am not accepting of the situation and feel that it could have been prevented…my beloved’s death as a consequence of a minor heart attack we did not recognize as such so he walked around with it for days. i want the shared life we had, i want him by my side…so i am a greedy widow and suffering and i see no way out. but i am doing things… but …missing him so much it hurts. we have broken hearts. some people can live with that and some of us….it seems an endless nightmare. i think i have no choice but to be who i am. a suffering griever in love with a man in the ground. sigh. hope you all get through the weekend ok. hydrate! is the heat wave over most of the country? all be well.

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  • Vivian

    July 24th, 2016 at 3:24 PM

    Rebecca, I have actually more than one friend who lost their husbands not long before I did and they seem to be moving on. They give me all kinds of advice but I KNOW their marriages were not like mine. They had separate interests and, even though they were married longer than Raul and I were, they have ‘accepted’ their new role in life. It is so different for me. Raul and I were one, same interests, loved the same things, and loved being together all the time. He made me better and I would like to think I did the same for him. How can I accept a life without him?

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  • graham

    July 23rd, 2016 at 7:04 AM

    hello Sandra &pat we also were in a our own private little world . but happy to be that way we did every thing together that’s all we ever wanted I cry every day for the loss of my love life is empty . like your its knowing I will never hear or see or hold hands again is what I find hardest to cope with people will say try a group or therapy . but there is only one thing I want my wife back and I know I can never have that. I live in a daze a bubble if you like which I prefer that my life without my lovely wife. she is always in my mind

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  • Vivian

    July 24th, 2016 at 3:25 PM

    Me too! I feel exactly the same way.

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  • Sandra

    July 23rd, 2016 at 1:45 PM

    …I don’t like to admit this…but when I go up town and see couples our age together….It really annoys me I have to look away…I get annoyed that they are still together and we are not…If I see older couples together, I get mad because they are still together and we are not……If I see old men on their own, I get mad…I think, how can he still be alive and my husband is dead…Grief does untold damage to your head…I lived in a daze for months, ‘ the fog ‘ I believe it is known as….I went to the cemetery one day and was talking to a man whose wife was buried behind Miles…She’d only been dead 6 months and he said he was going to start again….I felt like giving him a mouthful…How could he even think like that when she’s only been in the ground 6 months….We will survive, I’m sure we will, but it’s getting there…..I fantasize about him putting his arms around me…I talk to the vision I have in my head of him…..I’m sure anyone watching me would think I was crazy…..Sometimes I feel crazy….I can feel him now sitting behind me on his chair whilst I’m typing this….Crazy grief…..x

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  • pat

    July 23rd, 2016 at 11:59 PM

    Yes Sandra I have never been a jealous person in my life but when I see happy smiling couples together of about the same age I also look away and think why did David have to go…..why can’t we be walking along hand in hand. Even if it’s on the TV I feel that way. Neighbours had a bbq and small party yesterday as there son is going to USA to study for 4 years. My friend was out and she said it’s nice to see people enjoying themselves but I couldn’t answer. I don’t know this person I have become. The sadness is totally overwhelming. As soon as I woke this morning I cried as usual. What are we to do? Am just so miserable I can’t find the words to describe it. I have a constant ache and longing for David. Still can’t believe he is not here. Can’t bear this. Feels so much worse than I ever thought possible. No plans, no future just emptiness and despair. David was my life so what now? Joyless existence.

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  • Vivian

    July 24th, 2016 at 3:32 PM

    I always dreamed of growing old together, of being like those old couples holding hands when they can hardly walk anymore.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 23rd, 2016 at 3:12 PM

    knowing how many of us feel that nothing helps and …well i will speak for me. nothing helps. i miss grieve love steve. i have been “going on ” for 39 weeks and 4 days without him but i feel like i can’t go on. so much of the time i am miserable. i read the posts of others who have suffered for years. i feel like i can’t take it and it will never get better and i am stuck in perma sad and i want our shared life and i love flowers cats life but not without steve…..i mean i love them but i have minimal happiness and am in perma shock that he is gone and i feel that i can’t go on without him. it feels like suffering. i feel like i am waiting to die. have no joy. have things i am trying to do…esp keep the house from falling apart, & getting his and my papers in order…writings…the paper trail of our lives….includes destroying confidential financial and medical info while saving that of value…but i feel like…feel like…really feel like i can’t go on without him. think about him all the time and how i could have should have known and gotten him to a hospital….how a heart attack was happening and we did not know….how he should be here with me….how i have no vision of the future without him….it is impossible….and i am waiting to die……to be done with the suffering…i know this sounds bad….i have so much to do to organize the house and i know he does not want me to be working so hard and i am so sad it is interfering with functioning..the tasks..going thru his papers and mine…without him..make me so so so sad but it is a task i have to do…my only required task …required by me to honor steve…but i feel like i can’t go on….feel so low….only want him…i know you know….so what is to be done about this? just keep suffering? is there any solution to this misery? has anyone found it? you are all so articulate. all i want is what we had….but he is gone and i am here and i am not good for anyone….just a bummer…any ideas folks? thanks….too sad…to hard to be here with out him..you know??

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 23rd, 2016 at 9:12 PM

    yes sandra. you put it well. crazy grief. i want it not to be happening. i want what we had. i want time to go back. 40 weeks please. crazy grief yes. crazy …………

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  • Deb

    July 24th, 2016 at 9:53 AM

    I couldn’t read for 3 years because my mind could not focus. Not even the newspaper. It took me every bit of strength and mental focus to do the dishes.
    I belonged to a church groups and I went one night alone among 3 other couples. It hit me so hard I could never go back.
    I didn’t want time to go by because it took me further away from mu husband. Now I just want time to hurry up.

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  • Sandra

    July 24th, 2016 at 1:50 PM

    ….I’m sort of thankful now we were the kind of people who didn’t socialize a lot…if we had been the kind to mix more…this torture would be twice as bad…No more invites out as a couple, just me being ignored….We had a verbal invite to a family wedding 3 months before Miles died…And guess what…Yes, I never did get the official invite myself…All I got was, ” Oh Sandra, we didn’t want to bother you, we didn’t think you could cope “….Nice of them to decide on my behalf, I couldn’t cope…..It would have been nice to be able to refuse an invite….I just thought, yes, this is how it will go from now on in..Treat me like a leper because I’m on my own, odd one out, spare part….I don’t know where we are headed….Even before Miles died, I used to say to him..”I can’t see myself in the future “…..I still can’t…He couldn’t wait to leave work, he retired 6 months early through ill health…We were so looking forward to him being retired so we could go places together and do stuff and spend some time together after him working all his life on shift work, weekends as well..We could never go anywhere because of this on a weekend…So…he leaves work. ..and after 12 weeks he is gone………This is my retirement, all alone , on my own…….Wondering, thinking, being angry…..grieving…!

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  • Rebecca

    July 24th, 2016 at 4:05 PM

    how similar we are …all above….in our suffering. this is both comforting and terrifying. it seems we have no way out of suffering. suffering suffering. so similar. deb i can’t focus either…pat now what /joyless existence…..

    all i want is for time to go back 40 weeks and it won’t. all i want is my beloved steve alive and well and living a shared life with me. all my dreams and visions are in the past or impossible. sigh and sigh again….

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  • Janice

    July 24th, 2016 at 7:31 PM

    Been gone again–visited daughter three hours away by car–stayed a week, spent time with our 1-yr.old grandson, Ethan Werner–whom my husband, Werner, got to be with just twice. Home brings out the deep thinking, the pondering of what ifs and should haves — no, it does not get better and time heals nothing. Nothing at all. My first post was back in March–comparing what we’ve all written over the past year, I can now conclude that we will be like this forever. It becomes perhaps more bearable, but we are still sliced in half–the emptiness and pain are there, just maybe not so wretched as before, I probably do need some counseling and am now reliving everything that began exactly one year ago on July 15th. Every single day. I’m trying to cope and do things in the house, but can’t concentrate and am still riding the waves of sorrow and crying–but less frequently. It’s all so very sad and I put on a good front, but am empty and completely without joy. Nothing is changing for me. I do not expect nor believe that we ever return to being the person we were. My husband and the life we created was my world. The memories of that life surround me and do give me solace. We started dating 49 years ago this summer–I was 20 and he was 25. He died at at 73 and I am now 69–I am treasuring our time together, the lives he touched and our family–otherwise I know I would be going completely insane. I never, ever imagined or knew what this would be like and I am longing every moment for him to be back or for me to join him. I know my children need me ; my daughter just lost her mother-in-law (67) so has had a rough year and now I’m the only grandmother for Ethan. When I can’t sleep between 2 and 4 a.m., I hope for the familiar ping on my phone with new messages from all of you–it is unbelievable to me how much suffering is out there–we are all connected and I send love and blessings to each and everyone of you, new and old–and in some way, may you find some peace. The words you have all shared are healing and helpful–even if we all know, we are shattered and altered forever without our spouses.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 24th, 2016 at 9:51 PM

    oh sandra. so hard. my husband had not yet retired but i so looked forward to our golden years…of which we were robbed…..and janice yes…..shattered. that is what we are. i too am grateful for all on here. thankful. and very sad and not a clue how i can go on like this…how any of us can. too sad. been pushing it to get things done and today i collapsed….= slept 11 hours and woke with stomach ache and head ache. decided i needed to hire out some tasks even tho i am very low income. need some others to manage the mundane while i deal with grief, and papers only i can sort. i am so in love with steve. to be in love with a dead husband…o my. so very sad. thanks all, again. still trying to turn back time. tomorrow is the 40 week anniversary of my beloved’s last day alive. my stomach ache was from the grief in my guts…..thank goodness i have cats beside me. and this site. thanks again. …..

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  • pat

    July 24th, 2016 at 11:43 PM

    Vivian my mental health crisis nurse thinks it is worse for me because David and I were so close and were always together. She did say there are not many couples like that so I suppose this is the price we pay for being with our real better half.David and I were one and so comfortable just being with each other.He retired at 55 and I was still working but he hated me doing any housework at the weekends – said he would do it during the week so we could just be with each other.I always looked forward to finishing at lunch time on Fridays as this was now ‘our’ time now dread it.Nothing to look forward to any more.

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  • Deb

    July 25th, 2016 at 2:31 AM

    I was in the room when my first grandchild was born. It was so wonderful and so heartbreaking. He never got to see his grandkids. It was a very hard thing not to bring my grief into the room.
    I should be in a different place by now. It’s been 10 years. This time of year is hard. I’m just worn out.

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  • Deb

    July 25th, 2016 at 2:37 AM

    I lost my dad, my brother my husband, my mom and my son in law committed suicide in a short span. It broke me. I’ll never be the same person.

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  • Sandra

    July 25th, 2016 at 9:06 AM

    ..Oh Deb…That’s terrible, I’m so sorry….That must take some getting your head around….Life is cruel…Yes we had 3 deaths to cope with within a 6 month period, all close family…Makes you wonder what it’s all about….!

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  • Vivian

    July 25th, 2016 at 4:49 AM

    My son, his wife, and 3 boys came to spend the weekend with me. The house was full of activity and I loved seeing them all. On Saturday, my nephew and wife came over to see them, they have two little ones, and my daughter, husband and granddaughter also came. Considering I live in a small townhouse, needless to say the house was full and full of activity. With the 6 kids running around, 4 of which are under 4 years old, and they had not seen each other for a while, it was a happy occasion. I mention all this because, yes, it was good to see everyone happy and laughing but for me it was so bittersweet, enjoyed the kids but as the evening progressed, I felt a sadness I couldn’t shake. I finally told them to keep enjoying themselves and to please forgive me but I needed to go to bed. They all understood. Yesterday I took them all out to lunch before they headed home. I took wonderful pictures of the group and the kids. My daughter asked, ‘don’t you ever want to be in the pictures anymore?’ and I said no. They are all understanding and I’m trying but its not enough. I woke up to start the week and everything is an effort, I’m doing it but I have no interest or joy in any of it

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  • Sandra

    July 25th, 2016 at 8:48 AM

    …I hope this won’t offend you all…I would love to have my husband back fit and well…But he was in the last stages of Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis ( a progressive incurable lung disease)…..He was on the verge of needing Oxygen…The more I think about it, the more I can see it ended the way it should have…he was such and active man when he was younger, he doubled the size of our house and built a double garage all on his own while holding down a 40 hr job….He was brilliant with his hands around the house, there wasn’t one thing he couldn’t do ( apart from plastering) ..We extended our last property, he did all that as well…we were a good team…I designed it and he built it….My point is, there’s a tiny bit of me says, it was the best time for him….He just could have sat in a chair all day on Oxygen, he wasn’t one to be defeated…But unfortunately, he did suffer the ultimate defeat…Death…His father died with a Brain Tumour at 49, he was 6 and a half stone when he died…It would have broken my heart completely to see Miles waste away in front of my eyes…So even tho I’m heartbroken, I am glad he kept some dignity at the end..God…I miss him so much……!

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  • Vivian

    July 25th, 2016 at 9:04 AM

    Pat, that is the same issue with us. We were ONE. I used to call it a dance when we cleaned house. He always told me he would clean the kitchen because I didn’t do it as well as he did. That may be true but I know he just wanted to do it for me. People look as me strange when I say he was perfect. He always knew what to say, what to do when to do it. He made me fall in love with him a little more every day. I truly adored him. We really loved being together. Other couple may need ‘space’, we never did. We always said to each other, I never thought I could love you more, but every day, we did.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 25th, 2016 at 11:29 AM

    pat, vivian: same. we were one. even felt like dancing when cleaning house! sandra: no offense.not at all. so sorry. so sorry. so many different sad situations. my husband was in perfect health. no one knew he had a heart attack. that went untreated and he walked around with it for a few days and then he was dead by my side 40 weeks ago tomorrow morning. he was alive 40 weeks ago today. so i am a sudden death widow and i carry a haunted feeling that had i been more alert…had we been more alert…we would have sought help and he would be alive. i carry that. we are all the same and have also our unique variations. it’s all horrible for those of us who had wonderful relationships and ” never thought i could love you more but every day we did” ( quoting vivian). to go from bursting with love to bursting with grief feels like falling off a mountain and landing head first on concrete. not that that has ever happened to me. it’s hard to say all be well because i don’t think we can be. that’s how i would conclude a normal note. so what should i say, me who puts out too many words? thanks for being there and may we tolerate this week’s suffering and not have too much heat suffering too…all be as well as you can which for me seems to be a declining in wellness…hope you all are doing better than am i. to feed these cats, and give one her insulin. ciao miao woof…

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  • Lea

    July 26th, 2016 at 12:59 PM

    It will make 3 months on the 2nd of august(also my birthday month) that I lost my beautiful husband. His death has made me hate life. I wake up with this emptiness in my stomach and it never goes away. I have no concentration anymore because I miss my husband so much. I just think all day how I could have helped him more. We should have taken his sickness more seriously. We were so caught up in our daily schedules with work and kids we shouldnt of waited for doctors all while his aggressive cancer was growing never did we think it was gonna kill my husband in 5 months. I feel so guilty everyday. I feel so lonely even though I have two boys to take care of.I hate life right now. I feel robbed! We only had 11 years. Our youngest is 6 it breaks my heart that he probably won’t remember his father because I know how much my husband loved him. I’m so sad and then I feel I have to hide my sorrow because people seem to be getting annoyed with my grief and negativety they just can’t understand.I feel so alone. My faith is tested like never before I don’t even know what to believe anymore. My husband wasn’t suppose to die at 37. The world seems so grey and dark to me now.

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  • josie

    November 15th, 2016 at 4:39 AM

    My heart goes before you all, I know how hard it is to loss a husband, my dearest Arnel rested last Oct. 4, 2016, as if the word has stopped moving, I became dis organized, cant focus, life seems meaningless. Yet as I slowly came to terms with life’s reality, I have seen the wonder of God’s love. Instead of focusing on sadness, I still thank God for He has gotten my dear when he was sleeping (Stroke), I was away when it happened. At first I felt guilty that no words can comfort me. But through prayer and constant talking to my dear, the pain slowly bearable, I still cry but I have taken my husband way as my was. Before there were nights when my husband could not sleep because of his condition. So I asked what he was doing those times and he often say that he is talking to God. I take that, each time when I feel sad and empty, I turn to God and bring Him all my sadness and pains, slowly I fell the pain becomes bearable. By the power of prayer I know we can move toward a better future. I pray for all of us.

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  • Sandra

    July 26th, 2016 at 3:35 PM

    Hi Lea…..I’m so very sorry for your loss……We all know exactly how you feel….We are all heartbroken as well…..Life is so cruel…..You must be totally devastated….I’m 16 months down the line, and I think about my husband 24/7….There’s not a lot helps to be honest….We’re all in pain most of the time…..To die at 37 is horrendous….I so feel for you….Once again, I’m so, so sorry….Tell us how you feel whenever you need you, we understand, we won’t judge, we’re all in the same boat….Unfortunately…..Bless you and your children…..x

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  • Lea

    July 27th, 2016 at 12:08 PM

    Thank you Sandra at least I know people on here won’t get annoyed with my true feelings of complete misery.

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  • pat

    July 27th, 2016 at 12:10 AM

    Hi all fellow sufferers. It’s 9 weeks ago today. This time 9 weeks ago we were sat in the sitting room. Still can’t believe it has happened. This intense sadness is unbearable. Even physically not feeling so good. People at work actually think I am doing great. I would have won an Oscar if an actress. Most of the time just feel like screaming.The minute I get home meltdown. With each day it gets worse. I really empathise with everyone here. Seems like you are the only ones who truly understand. Everything is such an effort. Don’t even look like me anymore. Maybe I am going mad. Never felt so unhappy in all my life. Sorry I have nothing positive to say but thanks to you all for being here.

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  • Sandra

    July 27th, 2016 at 8:17 AM

    …Pat….Just let it all out….9 weeks is no time, I know I keep saying it, but it’s true….When Miles first died and I thought about him, my chest actually ached….That went on for weeks….When I look back now, I functioned better than I do now…It was like it was a dream and with everything I had to sort out, I was like I was on Turbo…..I feel a lot better when I’m out the house, when I’m in on my own, I just think to much…..Yes, we do function in front of other people, but they just don’t know what to do or say to make us feel better….I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I will get to a stage where I accept he’s finally gone forever, but I am never going to get over him gone…Like they say…live with it. I’ve just come from the cemetery, took him his roses…Walking out looking at all the hundreds of gravestones thinking…just what is this all about……Don’t give in….x

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  • Janice

    July 27th, 2016 at 7:30 PM

    Sandra, I just told someone tonight that I also function so much better away from home–being around others helps me, because at home I think too much, just as you wrote, During the first few months, one is insulated and still in shock to a degree–life is much more difficult for me now, even though the crying isn’t as frequent. But the sheer desperation of missing my husband will always be there–it comes and goes at different levels. I appreciate everyone’s posts–all the “widows” in my town who have talked with me the past nine months don’t help at all and are way beyond where I am and I tend to resent their new happiness, if that’s what it is–some are in their 50s, a handful in their 70s–I hate it when they tell me they don’t cry anymore and that it will get “better” – I still don’t understand that. How can we live other than we do now, when the love we had is gone? I am trying to do what Vivian described and get through the day, one task at a time and in doing so, honor my husband, but some days I cannot cope–and cannot begin to imagine feeling like this for endless years. Mostly what saddens and depresses me is that I cannot remove the image of my Werner’s face and his eyes when he died…in an instant I could see that he knew and it breaks my heart to have seen him die. At the moment of the seizure, I am sure he was in no pain–but it was so unexpected and I’m still trying to reach back and be there with him–it’s all fading and I don’t want it to fade, as devastating as the pain is. It was our last moment in this world…

  • pat

    July 27th, 2016 at 8:18 AM

    9 weeks ago at this time exactly I was in the bathroom with David when he took his last breath. People keep telling me to stop looking back. How can I? 41 years together now just history and memories and no future. I am heartbroken.

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  • Vivian

    July 27th, 2016 at 9:08 AM

    I do know how you feel. I had a full house of family and I enjoyed seeing them enjoy themselves. For me it is 13 months tomorrow and I have done a lot of things, take yoga, go visit my aunt and uncle, gone to the movies, etc. , but I am just as desperate and dead inside as you. The anniversary of his death hit me hard and I can’t imagine how I have made it this long. I have been crying even more lately (if that is possible) because I can’t imagine ever having any real joy in my future without him. Sure I rejoice in my children’s happiness but I am talking about me.
    I know my life will never be the same but I feel very responsible to try to make my life matter somehow. So I have a routine that keeps me moving, I shower, I make my bed, keep the house clean… and try not to look beyond today. That is the hardest and the one thing that destroys me. I try to ‘pretend’ I’m doing so much better for my children and grandchildren. I don’t like them seeing me so sad all the time, so when I am home alone, it all comes out and the overwhelming emptiness hits me so hard. I may be rambling but I am taking everything as it comes. The 100 foot waves keep coming but I admit, I do breathe once in a while.

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  • pat

    July 27th, 2016 at 10:27 AM

    Thanks for your kind words Sandra. Feeling very low today. Sometimes when I am at work I just find it so exhausting even to have a conversation – just feel like screaming at everyone ‘ do you realise my husband is gone’.Putting a brave face on is so tiring. Haven’t yet been anywhere apart from work and doctors. Got groceries delivered. Could easily become a recluse.Don’t want anything except David back. Everything is such an effort. Even difficult cleaning my teeth or having a shower with tears streaming down my face. My husband didn’t have a funeral as donated body to university but had a dedicated bench with plaque erected down by the river.My friend wanted me to meet her today to go there but just couldn’t make it out of the house. Maybe on Saturday I said to her.She is a very patient friend but don’t know if she quite gets the extent of my sadness and constant ache. I do take some comfort from your words Sandra. Thanks.

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  • Lea

    July 27th, 2016 at 10:43 AM

    I actually dread waking up each morning. I miss my happy life. I miss my husband I am so miserable without him. I feel like a walking black cloud just ozzing misery. I feel so incredibly sad. I cry a lot but it doesn’t change a thing. I miss going to diner on the weekends making plans for the new week to come. I miss phone calls from my husband asking when I will be home. I miss my life.I miss his help around the house. I miss waking up on Sundays and hugging him good Morning and cooking breakfast. I just miss my life. I hate this misery. Why is life so cruel?

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  • pat

    July 27th, 2016 at 12:52 PM

    Lee My sentiments exactly. Every night I hope I don’t waken. I phoned him every day from work and he always picked me up at lunch time (even though we only had 15 minutes together)/ Truly don’t see any way forward. Still can’t believe it. We also used to love a cooked breakfast at weekends (often in bed), We were so happy and content – now emptiness.

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  • Rebecca

    July 27th, 2016 at 4:20 PM

    tired and hopeless today and trying to do things in the realm of the mundane. just got a new old car. no steve d n a is in it. i miss him terribly. my heart is breaking for so long it is just broken open. i see new people. are other “old” post- era ( comment ers) still posting or…..doing okay? i want to be with steve. if he can’t come out of that ground i want to go in. i know i have things to finish first but i am so sad without our shared life, our shared love, his wonderful self. my perfect mate. 40 weeks and one day
    ( gone ….) is now. still do not know what to do. standing on this quicksand of grief, sinking into it, the one step at a time chant is not appropriate. i am trying to function but everything hurts. emotionally. how’s everyone else? i hate widow hood. i love my beloved steve…………..

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  • Lea

    July 28th, 2016 at 7:53 PM

    I don’t know of this helps but I’m here stuck in the same misery. Its about to be 12 weeks that I haven’t touched are herd my husband’s voice. I cry everyday through out the entire day. Sometimes I have to hide at work because I can’t help the tears. I feel like people judge me and are annoyed by my grief. The only place I can share my true feelings are here. I feel so sad constantly. I miss my husband I miss my life. This life is now meaningless.

    Reply

  • Rich

    July 29th, 2016 at 6:32 AM

    Lea:
    I hear you.
    After Janet passed I knew that I would no longer be able to function at work and fortunately was able to take early retirement.
    For me, speaking to well meaning friends just emphasizes my loss. While Janet will always be my topic of the day I think others cannot relate and therefore dismiss her continued importance in my life . I am the one that needs to adjust to this new life and address my issues before I have no one to speak to.
    So I informed my friends that as of August 1st I am going into a self imposed “exile” for a month. Not as an insult to them but to reflect, gather my thoughts and how I need to move forward without becoming a burden to those around me.
    However, comments by members of this board will always be appreciated since you understand the agony and struggle all too well.
    Rich

  • Vivian

    July 27th, 2016 at 8:46 PM

    13 months tomorrow and I don’t know how I have made it this far. The anniversary of his death hit me hard and it has only made me miss him more. I have done the mundane every day chores and responsibilities but they are an effort. As time passes, it hasn’t gotten better. Maybe I may seem better to an outsider, but inside I am so empty. I need him, I need to talk to him, hold him, and more importantly I need him to talk to me. I love him so much, we loved each other so much that we didn’t need time apart or ‘space’ like some people say. We thought of each other first. He made me better, he was truly a part of me and now that part of me is gone and so I am not complete.
    Today I me a widow and I mentioned that I cannot understand why he had to die and I had to stay here without him and her answer was, because God needed him and I am here for a reason. What reason? Regardless of what I do, what I see, or what I accomplish, it will be joyless and sad in my heart. There are so many things I could do for others but why were my dreams and plans not as important. He was my future and now he is gone. I can’t understand that.

    Reply

  • Deb

    July 27th, 2016 at 11:26 PM

    I keep asking God why he thought I could deal with this.
    It seems whenever anyone dies or I get another diagnoses or my daughter quit talking to me or when I don’t get to see my grandkids it’s like the grief of my husband death starts all over again brand new.
    I miss talking to him about the kids, he was the only person in the world that I could talk to about them. About their accomplishments, about their faults about mundane personal stuff. It’s bitterly lonely and I don’t understand why God could think I could cope with this.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 28th, 2016 at 8:43 AM

    Hi Deb…I’m sorry you’re in the same situation as the rest of us…It sucks, big style….My husband had lung disease for over 5yrs before he died..he knew he would die, it was in curable….Our granddaughters at the time of his death 16 months ago, were 9 and 7…He loved them to bits, loved seeing them, although it wasn’t that frequent, but we had babysat them up to school age 2 days a week…All he wanted was to see them up he said….But as I told him, it was unlikely he would with his illness…Yes, life is so cruel…We all have a cross to bear, but this one is proving way to heavy for us all on here…x

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 1st, 2016 at 10:31 AM

    Hi Deb. I can sure understand what you wrote about talking to your husband about the kids. He would always be there for me to make me feel better about a situation with the kids. Who do we talk to now? I still talk to him but I want him here to talk to. I know that’s not possible but I still long for that. Never dreamed I could miss anyone so much. I lean on God for my strength or I couldn’t get through. Praying for you. I know how you feel.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 28th, 2016 at 6:09 AM

    ….Ok….I’m angry today, very angry…Miles worked all his life from he was 15 yrs old until he died 3 months before his 65th birthday..never out of work…Paid all his dues to the government..He was entitled to quite a good pension from the state…he never even received the first payment..How cruel, he was such a hard worker..I know it happens to lots of other people, but I’m talking about a good all round man here, one of the best…big family man. How can this happen…? I had nearly a full pension myself, it was made up to a full pension from Miles contributions, but guess what, they took it right back off me via me having to pay tax on his private pension…I ended up with zilch from the government ( sorry, £2000 bereavement benefit)….I know it’s not about money, it’s the injustice that’s making my blood boil today…Oh dear…’ that’s the way it goes’……I suppose he was cared for on the NHS for over 5yrs at least…I said to the consultant ( whose own father had died of the same illness, he lasted 7yrs) when he told my son and I Miles was going to die…He was a good man, he didn’t deserve it…His only reply was, no-one does…Well I’m sorry, when I think of all the wicked people in the world who should have been given it instead of my good husband, it makes my blood boil…..I just don’t know how it’s possible, to think 24/7 about the same issue for 16 months and still function ( sort of) as well…..I keep seeing him in the kitchen standing in a particular place, clear as a a bell, I so wish he was really there….I’m scared to think about my future, the house is weighing me down…there’s so much to do…I’m a very independent person…But this is proving to much….God, what I would give to have him back…but not with his health issues, the active, smart, good looking bloke he was…he was brill, my son is missing him as well, he learned a lot from his father…We both did…he was a blessing….x

    Reply

  • Deb

    July 28th, 2016 at 8:08 AM

    Sandra
    My husband died 4 years into his pension. He retired early because of his health and other things. I never signed on to the pension so he could have the full amount otherwise it would be cut in half. So when he died I had to go get a full time job just to live. I’m on widows benefits now, you can get your husbands social security when you turn 60 in the US.
    For 9 years I worked 2 jobs, one full time until I couldn’t physically do it anymore. It took me that long to pay the IRS because we owed them when he died. I have had a miserable past decade and I think I had to put all my grief on the back bench and it is just now resurfacing.
    Anyway, it isn’t fair, I wish he could have enjoyed just doing nothing but what he wanted for much longer.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 28th, 2016 at 11:02 AM

    It’s a shame we all come from all over the country. We all seem to really understand each other. It would be great to be able to create a face to face group with all of you.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 28th, 2016 at 1:36 PM

    Deb, I get it, I find that there is no one I can talk to like I talked to him. It was so easy I always felt like it was him and me as one and then there was everyone else.

    Reply

  • Deb

    July 28th, 2016 at 9:00 PM

    Vivian, it feels like you’re torn in half, completely different and unable to figure out who the heck you are. No security, no back up, no one in your corner.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    July 29th, 2016 at 11:01 AM

    hi all. may we survive the weekend. so many grievers, sufferers. rich your idea of self imposed exile makes sense. i get sad and lonely and do not feel i am a good hibernator. i miss steve is who i love so much…and so i understand the exile. i hope it helps you. yes.deb and vivian. yes torn in half. i do not want to continue to live this way for very long. i need to accomplish some tasks and have a will in place and do the slow work of archiving and writing. i love my cats. i continue to have a hard time functioning with a broken heart. i sometimes feel greedy. steve was so good…our shared life was so good….we had over 35 years.. i want more……with him… or since that is impossible not too much more suffering. i remain stunned wondering what i am doing here without steve and feeling like i feel from a high place. oh yes i want him in my corner and i want to be in his corner and i want to have saved his life and be caring for him now and loving him. you all understand. i can’t get over this. there is no getting over this. none of the words are right. i can’ t do anything with this but try to honor steve while being so so sad….none of us have found ways to continue, really, have we. and feel ok.
    well good luck surviving the weekend. i have a visiting friend helping me but my soul is so sad……all my sense of what is right is changing. it seems to me it would be good if i was just…gone to be in the ground with steve in a couple of years. i appreciate life and beauty and flowers and cats but without steve…..just so sad and lonely. despite the wonders of nature and life he is my everything and he is gone…..you know. you all know. take care….

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 29th, 2016 at 11:27 AM

    Rich, you are so right and I will tell you something my brother said to me. He lost his 20 year old son to sudden death (it’s like SIDS, but for adults). He said you have to learn to own your grief. No one can truly understand unless they have gone through the same thing and even then, your relationship is unique. Only you know what you need and you have to do what is right for you, everyone just has to accept it.

    Reply

  • Deb

    July 29th, 2016 at 11:40 AM

    Rich,
    I understand why you want to do that. The sadness is so overwhelming that you can’t stand any bodies comments or people trying to make you feel better. It just isn’t going to happen and you want to grief alone.
    If you feel like you can’t finish the month don’t hesitate to change your mind either. Be good to yourself. Do what you want and need to get by.

    Reply

  • graham uk

    July 29th, 2016 at 11:40 AM

    that’s what I did I exiled myself its been 4mounths 3weeks since I lost my wife because nobody. but you knows how you feel all I can do is think. about her still cant believe it . all I can say is we are in a nightmare of grief sorry I know it wont help

    Reply

  • Janice

    July 29th, 2016 at 12:01 PM

    Everything you said, Rebecca — all of it the same for me — today it’s 9 months, or 39 weeks. No, there is no cure for this. Today I decided to pull weeds. The yellow rose I planted last year for Werner is blooming again–he wept last summer when we came home from the hospital–tears of gratitude and love for having survived and yet, I saw such sadness and perhaps a whisper of doubt that he’d live another summer. Death has ripped our lives apart. I honestly never imagined I’d be alone–we never talked about it, and we probably should have–but we lived each day with hope and optimism. and now we are all just existing…this is going to be a very long day…

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 29th, 2016 at 12:22 PM

    ….Yes….We do all know….16 months on, what I’m finding now is, I’m more at peace on my own……I’m even finding it hard when my son visits, usually once a week….It’s quite a relief when he goes, I just want to be on my own with my thoughts…I just don’t know how 48 yrs can go by so fast, I thought what we had was special, different, rock solid….But I see from other posts others felt the same…Yes, what you had was special as well, we have been deprived of the love of our lives, how is it possible to move on from that…Sad way to live walking around like an empty shell with a heart of lead…..Nothing really matters anymore, does it? No company, that we are interested in, no-one to share our silly jokes, sweet silences, debates about important and unimportant issues…That returning aching in the chest…..I feel quite strong, but I don’t even care that I feel that way either, why should when everything has lost it’s shine

    Reply

  • pat

    July 30th, 2016 at 1:37 PM

    Well our daughter delivered a new granddaughter tonight. A bitter sweet moment that we should have shared with David. 10 weeks ago today we had been at her house for lunch looking forward to the new arrival. After she was born a fiend walked with me to the bench we had dedicated to him overlooking the river and sat and spoke about the new life. I am happy about our new addition to the family but also so intensely sad David is not here to share any joy. Just so overwhelmingly sad today to be honest but can’t share how I am truly feeling with the family as don’t want to spoil it for them. Such horrible mixture of emotions I could burst. So glad I am sure everyone here understands.

    Reply

  • Annie

    July 30th, 2016 at 6:32 PM

    Dearest Pat. I can only imagine how you must feel. My daughter is expecting in November and I’m happy for her but trying to prepare myself sharing this time without Bill. I will pray for you for strength and peace. So sorry how you’re feeling.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 30th, 2016 at 3:14 PM

    I agree. I can be with people but for such a short while before I have to be by myself. I have found that I have more freedom when I am alone, free to cry, free to scream, free to talk out loud, freedom without judgement and/or advice.

    Reply

  • Annie

    July 30th, 2016 at 6:22 PM

    I know what you mean. I own a restaurant and can’t wait till the end of the day to come home where I feel like my husband is here to listen to me cry or be angry or just talk to him. We were married just short of 26 years and I wouldn’t trade that time for anything. I do feel so blessed to have him for the time I had him but also angry he was only 58 when he left.

    Reply

  • Lea

    July 31st, 2016 at 7:40 AM

    I’m thankful for this site because post like yours validate my feelings. I feel people have no clue the pain I am really in . I have to pretend to be ok at work. People are annoyed with my gloom. A coworker suggested a visit to a massage therapist to give me peace, I wanted to laugh like that could give me peace funny. Another gave me a self help book. I’m sad and it’s only been 3 months on the 2nd of august. I can’t talk about my sorrow to anyone because I can tell they are just tired of hearing it and judge me for still being negative about life. Better for me to be alone.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 31st, 2016 at 8:36 AM

    Dear Lea,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Rebecca S

    July 30th, 2016 at 4:05 PM

    janice, everybody, it’s such suffering to be in love with someone who is dead. I do not know how we can go on, I feel like i can’t. Then again I tend to hit bottom on saturdays, sabbath, open the door for spirit and in comes grief. Grief is my companion now. I want Steve ……I can’t do this ….really, this online place helps, you all help. thanks. it’s all too hard tho isn’t it? take care

    Reply

  • Janice

    July 30th, 2016 at 5:51 PM

    Sandra, I still cry so much–I too wonder where the years went, but now I’m stuck in the “should have, could have” stage–when they are suddenly and permanently gone from this earth, the truth and harsh reality of the finality of death is sometimes just too much to bear. We were a couple since I was 20–everything we have done was as a team–sometimes it’s so difficult to be in our home and I wonder if I should eventually move. My life has been lived, fully and completely with Werner, and now what is left are memories and trying to play a role in my children’s lives, but my heart is not in it yet. I wander around, unable to focus, still cry at the drop of a hat and I’m certainly not the person I used to be, nor will I ever be that person. I guess if our posts serve any good at all, it’s to acknowledge to others that the pain is unending even as we struggle to live. I know I am getting repetitive, but only this group understands and accepts what we each say…

    Reply

  • Annie

    July 30th, 2016 at 6:28 PM

    It so weird because my daughter said today she misses seeing my smile and I told her it left when her Dad died. I felt bad saying that but it’s so true. I wonder if I’ll ever feel happy and alive again. I know it’s only been a month since he passed but I don’t think I’ll ever feel differently. He was the love of my life.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 31st, 2016 at 2:13 AM

    ….Yes everyone, who would have thought our lovely lives could end in such misery….Only been out of bed a couple of hours, filling up already…I had a lovely dream there just before I got up, Miles and I were hugging and being silly…For a split second when I awoke, I thought he was still here……What to do today to get through it..? I’m fed up of this life now….Feels like no point….Pat….congratulations on your new addition, your daughter must be suffering as well, mixed emotions for you all…. I just need this cloud to lift….I even pity my son being left with me, he’s an only one, he has his own family….What a mess…..Bless you all…

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 31st, 2016 at 7:59 AM

    Dear Sandra,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Annie

    July 31st, 2016 at 8:19 AM

    Hi Sandra. I share on your sad feelings. It is a miserable way to spend your time…missing your mate so much. It’s very hard to get motivated when you don’t have your best friend. I will pray for you today and wish you a better day. I’m struggling to get through my 10year old grandsons birthday party this afternoon. Everything is so different now. God Bless

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 31st, 2016 at 9:59 AM

    To The GoodTherapy.org Team…………Thank you so much for your concern, trying to direct me to a therapist, I really appreciate it, but this is something I need to handle on my own, we are talking about the rest of my life here…I need to come to terms with my position and find my own way forward….Once again, thank you so much….This site is a big help to all of us……Cheers

    Reply

  • pat

    July 31st, 2016 at 1:05 PM

    Annie, Sandra and everyone else thank for your understanding.. Friends and family think I should be overjoyed at my new granddaughter and I was fortunate to be the first one to get a cuddle after mum and dad. I think they planned it that way which was very thoughtful of them. I tried to be ‘normal’ while at the hospital for 2 hours but burst into tears as soon as I reached the car park to come home. Then cried even more once home. Resorted to meds to calm me down. David was a photographer and would have been snapping away today. When I reached my car a couple who were friends of ours got out their car, They were going to visit their first grandchild and were so happy. Glen had his camera on his shoulder and he commented how David had got him interested in photography many years ago. I felt such pangs of jealousy and I have never been a jealous person in my life but at that moment it was so overwhelming and seemed so unfair they had each other. My brother wanted to pop in to see me this afternoon but I made an excuse – just shut myself away. Am sure people are becoming annoyed at my sadness. My friend who has been very helpful has messaged me about her sister who has terminal cancer but is keeping her chin up and remaining positive. Reckon that was some kind of hint. Our marriage wasn’t perfect and some rocky patches many years ago and then cancer which David came through only have secondary cancer then a sudden embolism in my arms at home.Even though I say it myself I had always been the strong one through having a stillborn baby. my daughter having a serious car accident and all the usual family traumas but this time I have no strength just intense overwhelming sadness, People think because I am driving again, having conversation and returned to work I am ok now but nothing could be further from the truth. When I am out I just want to be home alone so I don’t have to act which is so exhausting. Miss him so so much and he is all I can think about. 10 weeks ago today we were so happy although we knew he had terminal cancer we thought we had at least a year. I feel robbed and cheated. 41 years were nowhere near long enough for us.This suffering is the price we pay for true love. Just feel like a broken woman that keeps repeating myself. Apologies but it’s the only place I can honestly say how I am feeling.For sure our daughter must have missed her dad being there too but it’s not the same. She has her partner and a future to look forward to and I am glad she has that. Even with all this going on there is such emptiness it’s indescribable. Rant over and thank you all for being there.

    Reply

  • Annie

    July 31st, 2016 at 6:15 PM

    Don’t feel bad. I know just how you feel. I try so hard to act excited about my daughters new baby coming in November but I know it will be so hard without Bill. Everything is so hard without him. I know just how you feel and how much it hurts. You don’t know where to put yourself. I cry in the car I cry at home it’s hard to hold back the tears at the restaurant we own. Life is certainly different now and I know your deep emptiness. People mean well but unless they have walked in your shoes they can’t understand. I will pray for you for peace. God Bless you.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    July 31st, 2016 at 7:57 PM

    Pat, I’ve been there. For me, it’s been 13 months!! And I still cry uncontrollably in the car. I have a two and a half year old granddaughter whom we we took care of since she was born. My husband was crazy about her and he was the first person he asked for when she walked through our door. She was only one and half then. I love her so much but I have to hold back my sadness knowing he is missing all her wonderful moments. I still beg off sometimes because it’s hard. Raul was given 3 to 12 months and died in 24 days after the bad news. The last night we actually talked was 5 days before he died. For those 5 days he was semi-conscious and not making much sense. I too feel cheated. This was supposed to be ‘our’ time. All our dreams and plans died that day. I miss him every day.

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 1st, 2016 at 9:13 AM

    Hi Pat. My husband died three months ago if the flu and my life is totally upside down. He was 58 and we were married 25 years. He was my whole life. It’s so hard because like Vivian said all the plans and future are now gone. God Bless you that He will give us all peace and comfort. The tears never stop and the days seem to get longer and longer. The thing that really helps us I know I will see him again and spend eternity with him.

  • C

    July 31st, 2016 at 2:03 PM

    Hi,
    I just wanna know what to do now, on top of losing my husband, I had a heart attack 2 weeks ago, and end up having a open heart surgery.
    Feeling sick, lonely, and the depression got much worse.
    Im only 49 years young.
    Im feeling só strange, No friends, no family, AM I going crazy?
    Thanks
    C.

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    July 31st, 2016 at 5:52 PM

    Dear C,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Lea

    July 31st, 2016 at 5:17 PM

    It will be three months soon and I still can’t believe my husband wil never be home again. I miss him so much. I miss my life. Sadness is my life now and trying to hide my true feelings constantly.

    Reply

  • pat

    August 1st, 2016 at 8:56 AM

    Is it just me or is this the only place where we each understand the pain. Rich I get where you are coming from. Lots of people have said to me ‘it’s not good to shut yourself away’ but more often than not that’s what I want. When I am out I just want back home to feel my grief without hurting others. When people make conversation (even visiting my new granddaughter for the first time) I want to scream at them ‘ don’t you know David is dead’. He is always in my head and will always be in my heart.

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 1st, 2016 at 9:20 AM

    Pat. All I can say is I know I know!! I can’t wait to get home either. I seem to just want to hide because that is where Bill & I were. That was our place to be together. All the memories !! My heart is with you my friend. Like I’ve said before …I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with him not him spend the rest of his life with me. I was the one who was going to go first but obviously that wasn’t Gods plan. My heart is with you.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    August 1st, 2016 at 9:39 AM

    ..Pat..Yes this is the only place we can let our true feelings out…I’m wishing this year away, I’m just hoping once I’m into my third year, things might ease off and I might start to accept Miles gone…It took me 3yrs to come to terms with my mother’s death, but a mother is not a husband….I’m finding myself just visualizing him a lot in different situations which is ok, but not when you’re driving a car….My mind just goes adrift, I don’t know how I haven’t had an accident…I’d give anything to have him back, but it’s never going to happen…..!

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 1st, 2016 at 10:43 AM

    I know Sandra how you feel. I lost my Mother last July and I grieved but nothing like the loss of your husband. It just seems like your living in a fog and hoping it will clear and he’ll be there even though you know that’s not going to happen. It’s so sad to lose your partner and best friend. Life is totally empty.

    Reply

  • Lucy

    August 1st, 2016 at 1:17 PM

    2 and 1/2 years in. Just returned from the dr who doubled my antidepressant medication. I’m just despondent. No desire to do ANYTHING at all. But I have to work to pay my bills and I see no end in sight of this sadness and just “existing”… My 25 year old son is very ill and I just found out my cousin who is like my sister has breast cancer. My dad died of cancer. My precious Big Paul died of cancer. My best friend died of cancer. But the jerks in my life are all still here! My daughter in law and her family will not speak to me. They are hateful and keep my other son away from me. I have no one but my son who is ill and lives 6 hours away and a couple of friends who I see rarely… Here’s to hoping the medication change helps me to get out of bed! I feel all of your pain and pray that we will all somehow begin to do more than just wait to die, which is how I feel right now…

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 1st, 2016 at 2:54 PM

    everybody.i am feeling so despondent too and stuck. and this house has 25 years of stuff in it some junk and some important. i want to honor my husband. a friend broke it down. the mess is a separate stressor. i pick away at it. the grief is unbearable. i feel like i am going to break and the sadness and grief i exude are such that no one can stand to listen to me. well one friend tries. and you are all here. thank you. i don’t want to live for too long. i don’t want to be alive without steve but i have things to do and i am determined. but i feel like i am going to break and die of grief. we all feel so terrible. most of us. i hate what i call this widow hood. i want what can’t be. my husband back. he was here in my dream….and we wake to the nightmare. four letter word. i will be the swearing widow soon. but i won’t. just too sad…you know? all be as ell as you can…which is not very right? just…hydrate. tears are water too…. thanks all

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 1st, 2016 at 4:56 PM

    I know Rebecca. It hurts so much. All the tears and anger won’t bring him back and that hurts even more. Trust in God to be your rock and be with you during this difficult time. Without Him I couldn’t make it through. I will pray for you for some peace and comfort. I know how you feel. Everything feels so empty. You’re not alone.

    Reply

  • Janice

    August 1st, 2016 at 7:45 PM

    Rebecca, our husbands died only a week apart. I am feeling the same way and also had a particularly bad, bad day–I’m not coping with the reality that Werner is gone–dead–a horrible word and my whole life and purpose have become an alternate reality–after nine months I still cannot grasp it. I’m not taking anything for anxiety, but that and the occasional panic attacks have returned. My house is the same–full of memories–plus, Werner had moved his entire work office home –I have closed the door to that room because I just don’t have the energy to deal with it. There are so many files and documents that need to be removed, not to mention the books. It’s a harsh world we’re existing in and in the six months I’ve been posting here, I almost feel worse as time separates me from him more and more…just wanted to say hi and say that you’re in my thoughts…

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 2nd, 2016 at 12:33 PM

    thanks janice ( and hi everybody–will write again later) . today is 41 weeks and everything is horrible without steve. a visit to the vet big deal a bit of flea dirt. but one thing after another not in a matrix of joy but to be dealt with alone ( another cat: something with a lymph node) and missing steve with an ache….we all know it and others think we are weaklings…we are as handicapped as any handi cap by this grief imho…maybe we should meet, janice…wish a mutual friend could bring you here..i’d spring for a motel in exchange for a drop of help…and pay gas too….but we are stuck we know it an it is horrible and we share help on here which is a light in the dark…..i ache for steve and all is work that needs to be done and then i want to collapse in a heap never to wake but to be buried beside him in the crummy clay like dirt…what horrible thoughts…it’s not a repeated thought its a new thought that manifests again and again, new each time. it is not possible to go on for long ( for me to) without my beloved. not without steve. not without steve. not without steve. its a voice in my head whispering steve or declaring not without steve not without steve…………

    anyone know this weirdness? grief. i don’t want it. i want the good life we had. shared. not without steve….

    Reply

  • pat

    August 2nd, 2016 at 12:54 PM

    I wish I had the faith some of you have but I don’t. Neither did David. My mental health visitor called in today. Apparently my weight loss is now becoming critical. Have they ever tried eating with knots of sadness in their stomach. It’s not easy. She mentioned hospital admission if I lose much more well no way I will be doing that. Felt tired for the first time in weeks and had a sleep for a couple of hours this afternoon so hope I sleep tonight. Thinking of moving house so I don’t have to rely on people as 5 miles from doctor/ chemist etc… but unsure. Daughter thinks it;s a good idea, son thinks it’s too soon. Finding it difficult to use the bathroom where he died 10 long weeks ago and never sit in sitting room unless I have visitors. Has anyone else on here moved house? Would appreciate comments. David is constantly in my thoughts and really miss sharing stories with him. My friend doesn’t get it. She thinks I am lonely but I could have a house full of people and feel so alone. When David was here I didn’t have company as we were one.

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 2nd, 2016 at 2:50 PM

    Hi Pat. In the last three months I also have lost weight maybe fifteen pounds. That isn’t unusual but you do have to watch it. I know that feeling in your stomach. It’s with me every day. I am praying for you to believe God will help you through this. If it weren’t for my faith I wouldn’t get up in the morning. We own a restaurant and I am the chef. We’ve had it for 17 years. I don’t give myself a choice. I may cry each morning when I’m prepping or cry when customers give me their condolences but God gives me the strength to face each day. Trust me when I tell you He will carry you through this journey. I am praying for you.

    Reply

  • Rich

    August 2nd, 2016 at 6:06 PM

    Annie:
    I couldn’t agree with you more.
    I don’t go to church but I know who is in control.
    Rich

  • pat

    August 2nd, 2016 at 10:54 PM

    Thanks Annie for your kind words. So far I have lost about 30 pounds so now underweight. Neither David nor I are believers so don’t have faith to comfort me. Can’t make myself eat just like can’t make myself a believer. Just miss David so much more than I ever thought possible. As the days go by it is worse as longer since we spoke and touched. One friend still believes divorce is just as bad where another whose husband walked out on her suddenly after 10 years said what I was going through put it in perspective for her. I do sympathise with her situation but it’s not the same.Sometimes I think I’ll just pretend all is fine to everyone – family, friends, doctor, mental health – then everyone will leave me alone with my grief and I won’t have to get upset by advice or being let down.Apart from going to work being a recluse sounds like a plan.I’m not good company anymore anyway.

  • Sandra

    August 3rd, 2016 at 2:12 AM

    ..Pat…Moving house is very stressful, be sure before you embark on it….I’m not saying don’t move, just maybe now isn’t the right time, but it’s entirely up to you…I know your appetite is nil, I was the same, I still can’t eat properly ,but you need to look after yourself…..You don’t need anything else to handle…Bless you…x

    Reply

  • pat

    August 3rd, 2016 at 9:13 AM

    Sandra it is so difficult to look after yourself when you don’t really care any more. What’s the point? I don’t really want to move house but hate asking people to help as town is 5 miles away and a dreadful bus service. I do drive but not keen and certainly not come winter. David always did most of the driving. When I occasionally visit friends I always have to time it with the bus and sometimes just feel an overwhelming need to get home but have to wait 1 to 2 hours whereas if I moved I could walk (or use the frequent bus). Don’t know what to do. This is all so scary without David. Missing him more than I could have believed possible. When I come in from work this site is the first place I go as I know I’m not alone here. We are all suffering together. How much can we take……….

  • Annie

    August 3rd, 2016 at 12:16 PM

    Hi Pat. I can only imagine how you feel about the moving. Very difficult to do right now. However if you living in a place that is removed and hard to get around that’s not good either. I know that panicky feeling when you’re out and want to get back to your safe space. An hour can seem like an eternity. I’m sure you will come up with the right thing to do for you. I will be praying for you. I know your pain. Everyday is that empty hole and nothing can fill it because the love of my life is gone. We have to rely on God for our strength and know you have people on this site that truly care.

  • Vivian

    August 2nd, 2016 at 1:56 PM

    I just talked to one of my closest friends, who lost her husband 6 months before I did. I was so put off by her dismissal of my pain. Maybe I can understand because they never had the relationship that Raul and I had. So not all widows and widowers can truly know what all of us at this site are going through. I got phrases like “your children don’t like to see you sad”, “you need to move on” YIKES! Really? I’m sorry I just can’t “not be sad”. The sadness is permanent. He was my love, my day-to-day, my every minute, my happy moments, my sad moments, my support, my champion, my everything. Yes, I do my best but how I feel inside just doesn’t change. I miss him, I miss everything about our lives. I know it’s been 13 months but so what? I spoke to another friend who lost her husband 16 years ago and she said the 2nd year was even harder. Thanks for being here for me. It seems you all DO understand.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 2nd, 2016 at 11:21 PM

    this group is best. what vivian said. ” it seems you all DO understand.” yes. this is where we find others who say ” he was my everything.” and now? permanent sadness? how? the rumor of the 2nd year being harder….is terror. now is august. we had august and september. then only 2/3 of october. i am in count down to the end of a year that is a nightmare. and then what? a permanent nightmare? no comprehension of how to live with this grief. no interest in doing anything without steve. except getting rid of old newspapers, burning confidential medical and financial records, and finding our story in the important papers that remain….a sketch of us. but we is over? never again to canoe, hike, talk….what then? a voice in my head whispers to me “not without steve”….all i want is the shared life we had. and as someone i had not seen in years said ever so bluntly sunday : he’s not coming back. what then? all i want remains for time to go back wards. to take me to my living love and to have the time we had…..this is madness. mad with grief. you know that. you read my posts. thank you. what to do? how? a clue? thanks….

    Reply

  • Vivian

    August 3rd, 2016 at 11:48 AM

    I’m sorry if I scared all of you about the second year but I will tell you this. My grandparents had a special love and, true, after he passed the first two years we were worried she would die of grief but then she completely changed. She stopped wearing black (widows still wore black at all times in those days) remodeled her bedroom and went on to live for another 15 years and I really got to know her and learn so much from her. One amazing fact was that the week before she passed at the age of 91, she said my grandfather was coming for her on Thursday March 26 and she died that night at 11 pm. EXACTLY 17 years to the day after he died. Now obviously it depresses me to think I may have to wait that long till I’m reunited with my love but it does tell me he will be there.

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 3rd, 2016 at 1:50 PM

    Thanks for sharing. That was awesome.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    August 3rd, 2016 at 11:56 AM

    ..Pat…The very first thing I say to myself on waking is ‘ What’s the point ‘…I lay for 5 minutes, then get up to face my day, alone again….My son doesn’t come as often now, I understand though, he’s got his own life and runs his own online business, he always short of time, that to do and two small girls…I don’t want to infringe on his life and I’ve told him this…I’ve told him, I’ll only bother him if and when I am totally desperate…He does text me a few times a day though….What makes all this worse is, we know we can’t change it…We just have to endure the pain, other than that, there’s only one way out…How many of us will take that route..?…..We’re all in agony…But the point is we are all still here talking it through….That has got to be a tad hopeful…The weight you have lost in such a short time is drastic Pat…I so feel your pain…I know how you feel ( or I can imagine) lost, hopeless, relentless mental turmoil….But you are still talking to us….Life will never be the same for any of us ever again…we accept it , or we don’t…….Up until now, we’ve all decided to accept it as far as I can see….I’m in my second year and I know now for a fact, things will get worse before they get better…..It’s a long time since I heard my little voice telling me…’ I can do it ‘….. I can do it ‘…….But I’m still standing…….Just…x

    Reply

  • pat

    August 3rd, 2016 at 1:57 PM

    Yes Sandra when people say ‘how are you doing’ my response is ‘well I am here, that’s about it’.I realise I am ultra sensitive at the moment but when colleagues at the end of the day say ‘have a good evening’ or on a Friday ‘have a good weekend’ I feel like screaming. There’s nothing good anymore. Every day is a hard slog and every morning the shock of it all hits me . At the moment I am still here as so much of David’s things to sort through. He was a photographer, an artist and a hoarder so it’s a mammoth task. My fiend doesn’t like me saying I am getting my house in order but that’s the way I feel. My body donation form has been completed and just needs witnessed.It will take a long time to sort through his things. The family were shocked when they saw the amount of stuff. My daughter asked how I managed to keep the house so tidy but then she realised not much was mine and it was all hidden away apart from his studio/office.I never minded because I loved him so much. So I’m here is all I can say.

    Reply

  • pat

    August 3rd, 2016 at 2:06 PM

    Annie thank you for your understanding and everyone else on this lifeline. Yes moving will be a big decision. My brother visited me tonight and his first reaction was too soon to move then when I explained the situation he agreed it may be best. I never sit in the sitting room as David’s chair is empty (and I don’t see my feelings on that changing) and using the bathroom is an ordeal as he died in there 10 weeks ago today. Yes there are happy memories but I am hoping to take them with me. I hate being a burden to friends and family due to my locality and have no friends nearby. I know the people round about but only to say hello in the passing. We had each other and that was all that mattered.It’s a scary time indeed. Easy to say that here as you all understand.

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 3rd, 2016 at 4:36 PM

    I know how hard this is for you. I am crying tonight myself. Very lonely. I think you are making the right decision. Everything reminds us of our dear spouse but you are really stuck where you live. Know you have a friend that cares and will be praying for you.

    Reply

  • Scott J

    August 3rd, 2016 at 9:23 PM

    It’s been a while since I have last posted on this board, though I have read most of the posts over the past couple of months.
    It has been six months since Minnie, my wife of 40 years died. It has been very a lonely, painful and long hard struggle for me, but the pain in my chest is mostly gone now and I can breathe once again without struggling. Losing the love of my life has been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, as everyone on this board knows all too well. Minnie is constantly on my mind and I still see her in everything I do and everywhere I go, yet no matter how much I wish she were still with me, I know that will never be.
    Even now, after six months, it is still hard at times for me to believe she is really dead. My heart aches for her constantly and the past couple of weeks especially have been extremely difficult for me, maybe because I was coming up on another mile stone…I don’t know. As much as I wish I could change the past, I know in my heart, Minnie would not have wanted me to remain in the past, but to begin living again, so I have begun making a conscious effort to “live” for her.
    This does not mean that I no longer love Minnie or that I will ever, ever forget her, because that is definitely not the case, it’s just that I know she would want me to be here in the present for our son, daughter and especially our granddaughter. For me, I can’t do that if I am constantly reliving the past. It will not be an easy journey for me and there will be many, many tears and much sorrow yet to come, but I am hoping the joy and laughter will offset the tears and pain.
    I know I will see Minnie again someday when I die, though when that day will be I do not know. Until then, I will hold her close in my heart and love her always and wait for that joyous day.
    I wish the best to you all.
    Scott

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 4th, 2016 at 8:30 AM

    Hi Scott. It has been four months on August 25th so the pain is still very raw. Saying I miss him is an understatement. We were married 25 wonderful years and he was for sure my whole world. As I am writing this I am crying for the pain seems to never stop. I know I will be with him again but for now the emptiness is terrible. Your Minnie sounded very special and I wish you easier days. I know she fills your every moment but we were so blessed to have loved so deeply.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    August 4th, 2016 at 8:32 AM

    …Scott…very nicely put, and of course you are 100% right in what you say…If only we could turn the clock back, alas we can’t….Time waits for no man, we know we need to move forward, it’s such a struggle though….Good luck on your journey…x

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 3rd, 2016 at 10:19 PM

    pat. people. yes. going thru things is like moving. all so hard. this house is full. thank goodness the political activism is going to archives. i am working too hard. it’s a bad combination. damage control on falling apart house, grieving steve and wanting him here to restore it to a love nest w beauty and his colors ( a blue wall for my beloved) and …..sorting thru things with sadness and wishing he were here to do it with me with joy. i say collector not hoarder. but grief and being surrounded by the ephemera of the loved one now dead is…..sadness on sadness. hang in. enduring is the word. this is not living. i do not feel alive. i want steve with me……….oh. for me for him and for the cats and the world. g night, grievers……

    Reply

  • Vivian

    August 4th, 2016 at 8:01 AM

    Scott, I completely agree. We need to “live” for them and, even though I can’t lie it is an effort, all we can do is try. My difficulty is that he was my support, my sounding board, my strength. So I take baby steps, one moment at a time, one activity at a time. Thanks for your outlook. It helps.

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 4th, 2016 at 8:35 AM

    Hi Vivian. I agree it is far from easy. Those baby steps are very hard. It still seems to be unreal but yet I know it is. It seems with each day it has gotten harder. I keep praying for God to ease this burden.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 4th, 2016 at 12:51 PM

    scott and others. you are on the right track. i am stuck. i can’t do anything ( state of mind wise…or state of heart) but sink into the quicksand of grief. blessings to you who know how to live. and congratulations.
    this place to share is wonderful. thank you all. sometimes i wish there was a “dial a widow help” phone number to call. all i want is steve my beloved. i know i am still in shock. i can’t look forward. there is nothing i can see…but more suffering. again, congratulations to those of you who can see light……and may all our suffering be eased….

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 4th, 2016 at 3:29 PM

    Hi Rebecca. No. You’re not alone. Have been crying most of the afternoon. I miss Bill terribly. Just drove his truck around the back acre and cried my eyes out. I realize it’s been just over three months but it seems to have gotten harder. I just keep praying everyday for strength. I certainly can’t do this on my own. I pray God will be merciful and give me some peace and comfort. I pray that for you too.

    Reply

  • Rich

    August 4th, 2016 at 3:46 PM

    Rebecca:

    Yesterday was six months for Janet.

    While we all experienced similar emotional reactions I believe the definition of “moving forward” varies for each individual. I went to the Grief Share meetings which is designed to move you from “sorrow” to “joy”. So is Joy the definition of moving forward? Can joy ever exist in our world again?

    I heard a song by Danny Gokey, “Tell your heart to beat again” Nice song and I’m sure inspiring to many. However, the line, “yesterdays a closing door you don’t live there anymore” does not apply to me. The pain I feel for Janet brings me comfort and this is how far I have chosen to “move forward”.

    Janet was and is my life I will never allow that to change.

    Don’t put yourself on any ones preconceived idea of where “recovery” begins or ends, it different for each of us. Some people will say I’m stuck, I say I’m recovered.

    May God help you achieve the comfort and recovery you need.

    Rich

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 5th, 2016 at 6:21 AM

    Hi Rich. I agree completely. I don’t know if I will ever find joy again. My joy was Bill who passed three months ago. The words to that song are so sad but not at all how I feel. I DO live there and so does my husband. That in itself brings me comfort. That was our place and I know he still is with me. God wouldn’t strip me of that. God Bless

    Reply

  • Vivian

    August 4th, 2016 at 3:55 PM

    I wish everyone here would be able to meet in a support group.

    Reply

  • Kathryn

    August 4th, 2016 at 6:54 PM

    I lost my husband almost 2 years ago to stage VI renal carcinoma. By the time doctors found the cancer it had already spread throughout his body. He had virtually zero symptoms other than shortness of breath. He died in only a few months after diagnosis and I was his primary caregiver. I have become extremely depressed since his death as I have no family or friends – we were all each other had. Now I am trying to maintain a house that is more than I need. We didn’t have children but he had a daughter from a previous relationship who never accepted me. I am about to turn 45 later this month and I have had a lot of problems with missing work. I pretty much avoid life because I cannot accept it. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I have had terrible anxiety because my entire life seems so uncertain – for some reason I have lost my self confidence without any validation anymore. I no longer know how to live and I honestly don’t believe I want to without the love of my life. I no longer know who I am or what my purpose is. I am completely lost and struggling and at almost 2 years since he passed away it seems as though it has been too long for me to still be grieving so intensely. I need my job but do I truly care about it – no. I am not out there creating a support system for myself and I feel unable to do so. I just can’t seem to do this. Can anyone offer any guidance or support? I truly don’t know what to do

    Reply

  • Lucy

    August 4th, 2016 at 9:37 PM

    Dear Kathryn,
    I 100% understand how you feel. My husband died of cancer in December 2013. So it’s been over 2 and 1/2 years. I, too, feel as you do. You sound exactly like I am. I had depression before I had anything to be depressed about and have been on meds for years but they aren’t working anymore. I just had a visit with my doctor today and she doubled my medication. The way I’m looking at it is the dull black cloud of depression is the darkest part of night just before dawn. I truly believe that we will miss our loves and grieve their absence forever but even in my depression I believe that we will come out of this blackness. My faith in God and my precious Doctor have been my lifelines. I don’t know how you feel about medication (and it does not make everything ok) but you might want to visit your doctor. It just helps me keep my head above the water and still keep looking forward to the days that things will be less gloomy. For me personally, I believe I’m going to feel like living again someday. I pray everyday for God to give me a reason to live and He does, each day. My future is also uncertain and He doesn’t reveal much too far ahead in my life but He has put hope in my heart that I will be ok. And you will be too. I will be praying for you. Just know you are not alone in your feelings this far in and don’t give up hope. I feel your pain. I really really do… Take heart and perhaps take the action of going to see your doctor and praying. I hope and pray this helps in some small way.
    God be with you and you will be my prayers.
    Lucy

    Reply

  • Kathryn

    August 6th, 2016 at 6:49 PM

    Thank you Lucy. I am so sorry you are also struggling; I believe I have depression too. I have been having a lot of problems going to work and I have to go back Monday. I will try to make an appointment to see someone for my mental health as I just can’t seem to adjust. You have a very positive attitude which I try myself to maintain but I feel as though there is no one who truly cares for me anymore. I have no one to confide in; it has all made me feel worse about myself. I am only 44 how can I be so alone in this world? Anyway I hope your medication increase helps. Thank you for replying to me and I am praying you will come through this.

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 6th, 2016 at 8:40 PM

    Dear Kathryn,

    If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 4th, 2016 at 10:58 PM

    kathryn: such sorrow. such suffering. such pain. so sorry
    rich: happy for you. but how do you live with the pain? i appreciate your words
    vivian: yes. yes. yes
    everybody: thanks. and this is too hard. it’s too hard. it’s too hard.
    oh kathryn. hang with this group. it’s really good. that is the only guidance. lost is the word. lost. grieving. two words.
    next week i will find out if one of my kitties has cancer.
    i am having trouble dealing with mortality and acceptance. my religious/ spiritual life needs steve as much as the rest of my existence does. “just can’t seem to do this” oh kathryn. your words. my words too.

    thanks people. hang on to the computer and keep typing……..

    Reply

  • Vivian

    August 5th, 2016 at 9:42 AM

    Ok, I need to share this because I can’t share with my family & friends who think I am not doing enough to move forward. I decided yesterday to do all my paperwork, filing, and organizing. I have been paying the bills and taking care of the accounts but I kept piling everything in the office. Anyway, I finally decided to do it. Aside from bills and other paperwork, I found all of my things I saved from Raul’s memorial and other keepsakes. I will say that I had a terribly emotional day and cried most of the day that by the end of the day I was exhausted and sadder and more desperate than I have been in days. Then I found the following: It felt like something I needed to hear and was put in front of me for a reason or maybe that’s how I took it to mean:
    “You can shed tears that he is gone,
    or you can smile because he has lived.
    You can close your eyes and pray that he’ll come back,
    or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left us.
    Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
    or you can be full of the love you shared.
    You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
    or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
    You can remember only that he is gone,
    or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
    You can cry and close your mind,
    be empty and run back,
    or you can do what he would want:
    Smile, open your eyes, love, and go on.”
    I know this is what I SHOULD do but I am not there yet. But I can’t have the desperate day I had yesterday every day. I must try and keep putting one foot in front of the other and find something to do that makes me know he would want me to do and would make him smile.
    Thanks for listening

    Reply

  • pat

    August 5th, 2016 at 12:13 PM

    Vivian thank you so much for sharing these words. Like you I am nowhere near that yet but, f you don’t mind. I will copy and paste that and save on my desktop to read at my desperate moments and who knows it may help. It’s not cheesy in the way other verses have been but straightforward talking. Thank you again.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    August 5th, 2016 at 2:06 PM

    ..Vivian..Beautiful words….Yes, it’s a very slow process, torturous…17 months for me next week…I cannot believe it, still fill up every day at some point, but the waves are not as strong…I just keep thinking, cry until doomsday, it won’t make any difference, he is not coming back, cherish the time you had with him, be happy you met him, relive all the good times over in your head…Keep him alive in your heart….I feel like he is still alive…I go to the cemetery and I’m 8ft away from him, I can’t touch or feel him, I give him his roses and clean his stone, say a few words, give his stone a kiss and come back home and I can feel him in the house…..I talk to him all the time…..”It’s better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all”……Or so they say….I’m not too sure!

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 7th, 2016 at 5:27 AM

    That is so true everything you wrote. Thank you for sharing and God Bless you.

    Reply

  • pat

    August 5th, 2016 at 11:40 AM

    Vivian yes it would be great to all meet up but this site is the next best thing. Went to work this morning then visited my daughter at home with her new baby born 6 days ago. Thought I was coping reasonably well until the other granny and her husband came in. Thought my heart was going to explode. David should have been here with me. Picked up my bag to go home but my daughter got upset and begged me to stay for dinner (the other granny and granddad didn’t stay long) . Took some of my anxiety meds and sat outside till I calmed down. Had dinner then came home with a heavy heart to my empty house. It’s not that I want company – I just want David. It is definitely getting harder day by day. People say I seem stronger. Little do they know. Total meltdown this evening. He would have been so pleased and happy with the new addition to our family. Tears flowing as usual. Exhausting just getting through the day trying to be ‘normal’ for other people. Colleagues say in the passing ‘how are you doing?’ Don’t think they would really like an honest answer. My reply is always ‘I’m here that’s about it’. What do you guys say? I was looking through my journal from 1988 and on the day my father died I had written ‘saddest day of my life’. Little did I know all these years ago that life could even be sadder. I am not religious so don’t have that comfort.Would give anything just to speak to him one more time. I sit upstairs in our little computer room and sometimes pretend he is sitting downstairs watching TV. Even though I know he’s not. Still half expect him to be in when I come home or to phone me at work. Sometimes it’s all too much to bear. Thank you all for being there. Even close friends and family don’t get it like you all do.Certainly don’t see me ‘moving on’. Feels like I will always be stuck. It’s a bit like groundhog week as I relive our last few days together every week. I know hat tomorrow I’ll waken and relive Saturday 11 weeks ago and all we did that day ten the same the next day. I wonder if the rest of my life will be spent in these last few days. I have so many things to tell him. This is an awful existence.Sorry I can’t be more upbeat or offer any words of wisdom.

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 5th, 2016 at 12:53 PM

    Hi Pat. I feel the same way. Just got home from work and still expect Bill to be in the office. I listen for his voice or wait for his hugs. Of course there are none. It is certainly a lonely existence without our mates. One day just goes into another and really nothing to look forward to. The summer has passed by and of course no vacation as Bill died on April 25th. So sad. I don’t for see this getting easier. Like you said it seems to have gotten harder. I wish you a good night and hope you can find some peace.

    Reply

  • Lucy

    August 5th, 2016 at 12:53 PM

    Vivian! Those are such encouraging words! Thank you for sharing them! I too am going to copy and paste them as a reminder! I love it when we run across something that really helps and this does! We may not be able to meet in person but we are gonna get through this! Right now I’m very thankful for the Internet! Otherwise, I would feel all alone in my struggle and might think I was going crazy but all of your stories echo mine and I know we are on the same path and can help each other through this site! You and all the rest of you are in my prayers! Here’s to better days in the future. Haven’t experienced them but I truly believe they are coming!
    Lucy

    Reply

  • Vivian

    August 5th, 2016 at 2:13 PM

    Pat, of course I don’t mind. We are all here for each other.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    August 6th, 2016 at 8:41 AM

    You get it and this is a place of comfort and understanding.

    Reply

  • pat

    August 7th, 2016 at 12:31 AM

    Kathryn I am under the care of the mental health crisis team. She seems to be concerned about my weight and the damage it can do to my body and the amount of med’s I have in the house. However, she does come to the house once a week and it is good to off load to someone. She does say I am depressed and they will be reviewing my med’s. I have never taken med’s or been depressed in my life, but I know I am not coping well. The medication I am on helps me get to sleep and takes the edge of during the day at work. That’s about as good as it gets I suppose. As soon as I get home it’s meltdown time.
    She has also spoken to my family and if they have any concerns they can contact her. A friend asked if she was helping and it’s difficult to answer that one. I think it does help to off load for an hour even though I am exhausted afterwards. She has made suggestions to me for self help care, but I told her she was putting too much pressure on me. Hopefully, you will get the similar kind of help you need. Only thing I will add is friends, family and health care people seem surprised I still feel this way. What do they expect when the love of my life for the past 41 years is gone forever? Do they honestly believe after a few weeks life should return to normal? It never will.
    As I have said in previous posts it’s groundhog week. I am stuck, but will read Vivian’s verse every little while and hopefully take some comfort from that. I am just not there yet.

    Reply

  • graham

    August 7th, 2016 at 10:10 AM

    hi pat I lost my wife after 45 yrs together she passed away 9 march 2016 she was every thing to me and I feel the same as the day she died. people just don’t get it I am nearly 70. even experts don’t and can’t know the pain and hopeless position you are in. People say it gets better I don’t say anything because they don’t know what we had. All I can say is till I walked in these shoes. I didn’t think life could be this horrible. You like me are a individual no one can come close to know how you feel. If it helps I appreciate what you are going through do it your way sad for your loss.

    Reply

  • pat

    August 7th, 2016 at 10:41 AM

    Yes Graham. I do wonder how a mental health councilor who is young, never married and no children can fully understand how people like us truly feel. I sort of knew what was coming having witnessed my mother going through it but still did not understand the extent of the in tense sadness. I just sat with my mother over countless months and years till the early hours talking about my father which I hope was a comfort to her. I am only 59 and was with David since I was 17. Difficult to explain to people I don’t know who I am without him. We were one and always will be. Went through lots of his stuff today and it’s heartbreaking. Thousands of negatives which nobody processes in darkrooms anymore and can’t keep them all. Have tried to be selective.Trying now to sit and relax with a cup of tea. just another exhausting struggle of a day. Weather has been wild and stormy and we used to love just snuggling up to each other when it was like that. Existing is so so hard. At least we have each other on here to share our burden. Take care.

  • Annie

    August 7th, 2016 at 12:54 PM

    Hi Graham. You are so right. No one knows the pain you’re in unless they have walked in your shoes. My beloved husband died April 25th and I am totally lost without him. If it weren’t for my faith I couldn’t make it through a day. He was certainly my whole world and now it’s so empty. I feel for you and pray for you. Know you’re not alone.

  • Sandra

    August 7th, 2016 at 11:55 AM

    …Pat, no other person can tell you how you feel, only you know that….We understand to a certain degree, because we’re all in the same boat….I can’t see me ever recovering from this fully, how can I after 48 years together…15 and 17…We grew up together, how can that be forgotten in a few weeks like you say….I sincerely hope you find a way to go forward, find the new normal, that’s what they say, don’t they….It might be new, but it will never feel normal…..People just don’t get it, professional or not….I’ve had a couple of insensitive things said to me….I forgive them, because they haven’t got a clue what goes on in my head……!

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 7th, 2016 at 1:01 PM

    Pat. I give you credit for going to work. You will grieve at your own pace. We are all different. My husband has been gone 3 months and I am so lost without him. Like you I go to work and then come
    home and cry. I know it’s hard to eat when you have no appetite but do what you can. I’ll be praying for you and know we care.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    August 7th, 2016 at 10:43 AM

    Pat, I am not there either and I too have meltdowns (and anger) I feel drained and think of what he would say to me. And believe me I tell him that he is asking too much of me, but then a certain calm comes over me and I force myself to keep busy doing all the things I put off because I would rather be with him than work on anything alone. Yes, people DO NOT UNDERSTAND so I only share with people who do, people who don’t look at me like you need to move on. To those I tell I’m fine and so my pain is private except for all of you.
    I had one of the worst days yesterday when I couldn’t find hope in anything but I got through it and today I woke up early and decided to shower, go to church and tackle menial jobs. I mention this because not all days will be awful, so always wait to see what tomorrow brings.
    I am the opposite of you, I eat too much, nervous and grief eating so I find myself making an effort because my clothes won’t fit and I have no desire to buy new clothes. I guess that is an incentive. Every day is a challenge. I found a nice place to take some yoga classes and it turns out that there are some meditation classes too. I haven’t gone to any yet but plan to. I owe it to Raul to keep searching for things that will help me. He gave me such a happy and loving life, I need to do this for him.

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    August 7th, 2016 at 1:31 PM

    dear articulate and understanding grievers you are all wonderful
    i am so full of grief and panic fear depression….i feel like i am going to break. i truly feel that i can’t go on without steve. i am trying to get things in order and get my will made. one of the grief counselors said will die of grief in a year or 2 . he is not a prophet and some are offended by his words. i am so unhappy and uncomfortable alone in the world and not just alone but without my beloved. as we all know we are alone amidst others without our beloveds. but an old friend came to help with the house….one can’t have books mouldering in the basement…..and after she left i felt that crashing feeling again. i might get some help from social services. life is beautiful and i hate to say that i want mine to end sooner than later but i feel myself to be in pain and suffering and it is good news to me if that grief counsellor is correct. but i have to get steve’s and my papers in order. i do not want all we worked for to go to the landfill. i do not always have the emotional strength to do the work that needs to be done. because the MAIN emotional work that needs to be done is grieving which some times impairs any other functioning doesn’t it ….it is the main work we have to do…… i am having so much trouble with basic functioning. yesterday i went to a memorial service and it was a real trigger for me…..the last service was my beloved steve’s…..i’m terrified of october and the anniversary….i really don’t know how to not feel like knots of pain inside….along with the sadness that is grief and the missing of steve. i guess i feel like i am falling apart. i think you know what i mean. i haven’t checked on here for a few days. the heat wave has broken and i will fold up this futon and get dressed and walk my circles in the yard until a person comes over to help for a couple of hours. but i can’t do this……it’s all too much for me….managing the mundane details of life without steve and grieving steve and being so sad….and depressed and anxious. i really need help. hope some of you are getting what you need. though we all need most of all our spouses back and they are not coming back. oh i wish it were not so. i want time to go back 42 weeks. i want my steve. is this denial, lack of acceptance? you bet. i am in the slow lane in this terrible journey. so slow and pulled over i will fall right off the road…….metaphor metaphor o widow hood lift off of me oh steve come back…..my cries cannot be answered my wishes can not come true……hope you all are making your way in reality. i am having a good deal of trouble with it….need help..thanks for listening this e space is swell.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    August 7th, 2016 at 3:25 PM

    Rebecca, I know what you mean but please don’t give up. It stinks that we need to be here without them and we are in pain most of the time but I keep thinking about what I wrote here of something I found that must have been written by someone who probably understood:
    (most of you already read this but it is worth repeating)
    IN THE BEGINNING, THE WAVES ARE 100 FEET TALL AND CRASH OVER YOU WITHOUT MERCY. THEY COME 10 SECONDS APART AND DON’T EVEN GIVE YOU TIME TO CATCH YOUR BREATH. ALL YOU CAN DO IS HANG ON AND FLOAT. AFTER A WHILE, MAYBE WEEKS, MAYBE MONTHS, YOU’LL FIND THE WAVES ARE STILL 100 FEET TALL, BUT THEY COME FURTHER APART. WHEN THEY COME, THEY STILL CRASH ALL OVER YOU AND WIPE YOU OUT. BUT IN BETWEEN, YOU CAN BREATHE, YOU CAN FUNCTION. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO TRIGGER THE GRIEF. IT MIGHT BE A SONG, A PICTURE, A STREET INTERSECTION, THE SMELL OF A CUP OF COFFEE. IT CAN BE JUST ABOUT ANYTHING…AND THE WAVE COMES CRASHING. BUT IN BETWEEN WAVES, THERE IS LIFE.
    SOMEWHERE DOWN THE LINE, AND IT’S DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY, YOU FIND THAT THE WAVES ARE ONLY 80 FEET TALL. OR 50 FEET TALL. AND WHILE THEY STILL COME, THEY COME FURTHER APART. YOU CAN SEE THEM COMING. AN ANNIVERSARY, A BIRTHDAY, OR CHRISTMAS, OR LANDING AT O’HARE. YOU CAN SEE IT COMING, FOR THE MOST PART, AND PREPARE YOURSELF. AND WHEN IT WASHES OVER YOU, YOU KNOW THAT SOMEHOW YOU WILL, AGAIN, COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE. SOAKING WET, SPUTTERING, STILL HANGING ON TO SOME TINY PIECE OF THE WRECKAGE, BUT YOU’LL COME OUT.

    Reply

  • pat

    August 8th, 2016 at 9:06 AM

    Just couldn’t wait to get away from work today.Don’t know why as there’s nothing to come home for. I so used to look forward to getting home to David. Just came in and have cried and cried. I hate this life.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    August 8th, 2016 at 3:15 PM

    …Pat…I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better….I don’t know how you are coping with going to work…I’m just wishing the time away….I just keep thinking, please god help me, make me feel better…..I’ve got so much to do around the house, it sometimes gets me down, it’s to much for a woman on her own….I’m not used to having people doing jobs, Miles did everything….When I get a really busy day, I momentarily forget, it feels like my old life…..But I’m in a different place now, I need to do it, for my own self esteem…to feel my own self worth, in memory of my good life with Miles…He was the best, I will never forget him….He gave me more than he will ever know…..When I come home to my house, it doesn’t feel empty, I can feel my old life in here, that’s why although it’s way to much for me. I am reluctant to move..( at the moment anyway )….I keep thinking if I move, Miles will be totally gone from me…..I think about you a lot Pat, and others on here..I’m so glad I found this site….x

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 8th, 2016 at 12:36 PM

    Hi Pat. Today is my day off from the restaurant. I have been sitting here in my favorite room where Bill and I would sit and have been crying. It’s raining out and I miss him so much. I know just how you feel. I pray for some peace for you tonight and comfort. Know you have a friend.

    Reply

  • pat

    August 8th, 2016 at 2:01 PM

    Hi Annie thanks for your words of comfort. A widower friend called in to pick stuff up for charity and bethered for an hour. Him about hi late wife and me about David. Good to chat to someone who relly does understand. A close friend messaged e earlier and when I said I was having a really bad day her response was ‘everyone has to go through it’ which we know just isn’t true. Have calmed down a little this evening but feeling very sad. Good to be able to share our emotions here. Apparently someone years ago had said to my widower friend that his wife and him had been too close!!I was asked today at work if I had had a good weekend. It’s so difficult not to say what I really want which is I don’t have a good hour never mind weekend! Anyway meds kicking in so off to bed and oblivion shortly for a few hours. Glad for that little respite but unfortunately I waken in the morning to another long, tiring struggle of a day. Not working tomorrow and I don’t even look forward to a day off anymore. Don’t actually look forward to anything any more. Hope everyone on here is not feeling this bad – wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

    Reply

  • Fran

    August 9th, 2016 at 3:50 PM

    Each day when I check my email I read heart breaking comments from widows/widowers traveling the path of grief, heart ache, lonliness and hundreds more descriptions regarding loosing their loved ones..For me, I have been on this journey since June 10, 2015 @ 3:25PM when my precious love lost his life in a work related accident..Little did I ever know when he kissed me bye that morning followed by I love you that would be the last time. It’s been a trip I don’t wish on anyone but at some point we all will experience that horrible nightmare..Yes I’ve had seconds, hours, days, weeks, months of deep grief, depression, millions of tears, wishing I could change things and I know that will not change until he meets me at Heaven’s Gate to walk for eternity with him. I will say…I do have a very compassionate Christian counselor that has guided me thru along with my family and close friends even tho they will never understand the depths of grief until they experience loosing their love, it has helped me. I pray continuously for the Lord to give me a purpose of why I’m here and I look around and see what is here I need to take care of i.e. home, farm, horses, our 4 legged critters that are like children..I have grown children, grandchildren and a beautiful great grandbaby – 3 yrs old. That’s why I’m here plus my Charlie always said he knew I could handle anything and never worried about me being responsible when he was working out of town. Is it pure hell at times? the answer is yes..Can we get to a point the tears don’t flow every second of every day? Yes..will they always stay in our heart and thoughts? Yes..my life is totally different now..I do everything myself..I don’t have him physically here to share coffee, conversation, ideas or even help me solve a problem..yet..I know he is “soulfully” beside me…we have to make the steps to continue walking, taking care of what we shared with our love and envisioning his beautiful smile when I complete a task. There is a chart my counselor provided me with..it’s called Stages of Grief..google it and print it out so you can see the stage you are at this point. I have found this very useful to encourage me to keep going. Each and every one of us have our own way of dealing with grief..do it YOUR way…just know there will come a day when you will be able to smile when you remember something he/she said to you instead of tears..there will come a day when you don’t mind crawling out of bed and beginning your day..For me..it’s that first cup of coffee outside before daylight and “Good morning my sweet..I love and miss you”..it’s praying to my Lord for strength to carry me thru this Valley of Death..keep thinking positive, even when you don’t want to or know how..reach out to someone and ask for help to get you thru the day..just DON’T GIVE UP..the one thing I will never classify myself is “widow” or “single”..I will ALWAYS belong to my precious Charlie until my last breath..I call it “flying solo”..Peace and tranquility will prevail..yes..I am on the up swing on the chart of Stages of Grief..will I ever stop grieving over my loss..NO..but each day becomes a little more tolerable..you will survive..Love to each and everyone of you

    Reply

  • Sandra

    August 9th, 2016 at 4:41 PM

    ..Fran…..Beautifully written, and so right…….I was out tonight in a store just filling time in basically….I didn’t feel to bad until they played a sad song in the background…..I just stood and looked at the wedding ring on my finger fighting back the tears……I can’t see it happening, but if fate stepped in and I met someone else, I will always feel the same about my late husband…He was such a huge part of my life….My journey began 15/03/2015 ( mother’s day in the UK )….I feel worse now than then…..I’m just so hoping my third year will bring me some relief….I feel so worn down, but like you, I’m adamant I have to do it….I just don’t want what we had to end in such sadness and misery…..When I remember what we had….I want to feel happy, not sad, I want to be pleased that our paths crossed…I want to smile when I think about him…x

    Reply

  • Rich

    August 9th, 2016 at 4:45 PM

    Fran:
    Thank you for your post.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Fran

    August 10th, 2016 at 2:51 PM

    Rich: You are so very welcome..I hope in some small way I have shared words that may enlighten you or anyone that read my story..It’s just a journey we didn’t choose, yet, it’s a journey that somehow we will all learn to accept and find a way to survive with a smile, peace in our heart and our loved one beside us..All the best to you

  • Annie

    August 9th, 2016 at 6:39 PM

    Fran. Thank you for sharing. It was beautiful and helped me tonight. God Bless you.

    Reply

  • Fran

    August 10th, 2016 at 2:53 PM

    Thank You Annie and God Bless You and may he give you peace, joy and love again..it’s out there..we just have to walk towards it..I’m still struggling to a degree..I still miss and wish for my Charlie every day and when I get down I know what he would say “Fran, get back on track and focus”..so I keep that in my heart and soul..Peace be with you

  • Rebecca

    August 9th, 2016 at 5:43 PM

    42 weeks today. i am falling apart. i can’t do this. i have three words: not without steve.
    they can be read two ways . i am never without him. he is in my heart.

    or: i can’t do it. i can’t. not without steve.

    i read them both ways. mostly the latter. no . not without steve. am i in a very slow lane or totally flunking widowhood?

    Reply

  • Janice

    August 10th, 2016 at 10:47 AM

    Rebecca and all of you–I am now reliving everything that began last year on July 15th. It has caused tremendous anxiety and stress–I took a fall last week and am in considerable pain ; the house is a disaster, I cry incessantly and despite my frequent forays into “normalcy” I am truly suffering. Today marks the date of Werner’s 3rd cardiac arrest and the weeks ahead will bring more memories leading to October 29th. I have read everyone’s posts — every single word — no matter if it’s been two months or two years, this is an absolutely horrible journey we are on. Yes, I remember and treasure the beautiful moments of our life together, but all I am now seeing is his suffering, the agony of heart disease, the depth of loss and the sorrow. I had been going out weekly with other women for dinner–can’t even face them now–the memories are right in front of me and I feel completely immobilized to live again. I’m thinking those first few months I was in a state of numbness and only now is it all worsening. All I can do right now is sleep…

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 10th, 2016 at 11:50 AM

    oh janice. our close to each other anniversaries coming. we are suffering together. i don’t go out to dinner. sometimes i get take out food to share with one or 2 others . i CAN T sleep. think there is no end to this suffering. some can manage and some of us can’t.that is not much comfort is it janice? but i am with you…and appreciate all the posts. sleep if you can. do you have a grief counselor? i don’t know if i can be helped either…..take care

    Reply

  • pat

    August 10th, 2016 at 12:47 PM

    Rebecca, Janice and all I truly feel for you. Another widow said to me yesterday I have to stop reliving our last few days together and think of the happy times. Does she think I choose to suffer like this. It’s 11 weeks ago today and I know tomorrow I will replay 12 weeks ago in my mind until next Wednesday and so on. Fiends and family have let me down a few times recently (for example my son-in-law was supposed to come over yesterday morning to help me move heavy items in the house – eventually at 12.30 my daughter said they had been held up and would be over shortly. I had got up early and had just sat and waited for 5 hours.) They think I am being over sensitive. Maybe I am, David would never have let me or anyone else down like that or at least would have called. My friend had said she would come out to help me in the afternoon but then said she was too busy. This is all part of the reason I want to move. The apartment I have looked at is low maintenance so I wouldn’t have to rely on others. No stairs either so even as I get older I can be independent. Here apart from seeing David everywhere and dying in our bathroom I have stairs, a large garden and a lot of maintenance to catch up on. They all say they will help but they have busy lives. It only takes seconds to make a call if you are held up. This is exactly why I feel I am a burden. I am not good company. I really don’t want to be here. Think most people reckon it’s time I stopped feeling sorry for myself. If I move to this other place I won’t have to bother anyone any more. Just go to work, come home, cry for a while then do it all over again. I do have a nurse from the mental health crisis team once a week. People have asked does it help. Only in so far as I can rant and moan for an hour a week and she is paid to listen although have now to see a psychiatrist next week. Really hoping I get this apartment although trying not to get my hopes up too much. It has a security door so if I don’t want visitors I can ignore it. At the moment they see my car in the drive and know I am in.. Apologies for yet another long negative rant. This site is a lifeline and I have also read all the comments. A young lassie at work said to me today ‘I know it doesn’t help how you are feeling but you were lucky to have had love like that’. I know we have said similar sentiments on here but I thought it was quite something coming from someone so young and who only got married a couple of months ago. She said she felt like giving me a hug but knew that would probably upset me more. She lifted my spirits a little. Seemed to be more understanding than some of my ‘friends’ and ‘family’.She has seen me nearly every day at work and that was the first time she pulled up a chair and sat down to talk. Maybe I looked worse today than usual. I am lucky where my immediate work colleagues are concerned so that is something to be grateful for. Hope I manage to get a full night sleep tonight as to be in work early. Rebecca try and sleep and Janice sleep as much as your body and mind are telling you to. There are no rules to follow in this long painful journey. At least we are in it together and can share.

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    August 10th, 2016 at 7:39 PM

    pat such a nice post. amazing, this group on line. how we all seem similar. how you say what i feel. about being a burden and not good company and not wanting to be here. i went to a group tonight for the first time. my first not on line group. nice people but they were so cheerful i couldn’t understand it and left wanting more than when i went to the group ….wanting to just be here at home with steve and the cats. only with steve. not without steve. this chants in my head. i am trying to write about all the activities we did in our 36 years together but it seems i keep re writing my deep sadness and regret over the end of the story. going to bed early tonight. got to get up early to get to a vet speciality clinic 25 miles away. our gabrielle has a lump and her right paw and arm swollen. it might be lymphoma. will know what is going on tomorrow. please send healing energy to this fur baby. i want steve here to help me deal with this. i want him for his love and to give him my love. the three words come again.not without steve. not without steve. then another three words. not without steve. can’t go on. i think i have to make an effort to sift and sort here but i am exhausted and i think one day i am going to just collapse in a heap. the final collapse, nice and natural. i will be ready when it happens. but i am not ready yet. but i feel myself to be falling apart. my digestion and what not have not worked right since steve died. my guts are grieving. my heart is crying. there is no one but him with whom i want to be. i walked over 42 counter clockwise circles on the path in the yard last night. walked for 2 hours. i know it won’t make time go back 42 weeks and a day but it is something that somehow helps me. tonight i didn’t walk that much. in the teens. and i looked the north and to the sky and cried out to steve. i love him more and more and more….

    thank you all.

    Reply

  • Rich

    August 11th, 2016 at 9:09 PM

    Midnight on the East Coast. I’m sure I’m not the only one awake at this hour.
    Since I am giving my friends a break from me I felt the need to update someone. That someone is all of you lovely people on this site who understand the depth of loss and the need to express it in our own way.
    Anyway, after 2 weeks the stone mason is almost done bricking the 20 by 12 foot area where Janet’s stone along with my parents stone is located. Their ashes are there and I will be joining them at some point. The site is about 300 feet from the house overlooking the sheep pasture and is turning out much better than I expected. Once the brick columns are in place they will be connected by old iron fencing I am having refurbished. There are 4 bluestone steps up to the gate. Today, I took Janet’s many glass perfume bottles and had them cemented under the void of a step. I am placing her wedding gown and other items in a sealed tube and putting it in one of the columns. I can’t throw her stuff out or give it away, hopefully it will remain undisturbed for a very long time.
    Should all be done by late September, I wish I could share a photo but I don’t think this site will let me.
    In the meantime I’m praying for all of you.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Viv

    August 12th, 2016 at 9:17 AM

    Rich, it all sounds wonderful. We all need to do what is good for us, regardless or others’ opinion. I have Raul’s ashes at home right at the entrance with a huge picture of him. My favorite picture of him looking at me with such love. It’s the way he always looked at me. I gave away most of his clothes but I gave them to our son because he has 3 boys. Raul was not tall so they will be able to use a lot of it. However, I kept every shirt that reminded him of me. They are still in my closet and I am not ready to part with them. It may sound like I refuse to let go, and I guess I always will. Yes, I will learn to live a lonely life but I will never let him go. He was and is a part of me. He loved me like I never dreamed I could be loved and he made me a better person. We always said we were made for each other and truer words were never spoken. Thank you for sharing, I would have loved to have seen a picture.

    Reply

  • Annie

    August 12th, 2016 at 11:52 AM

    Hi Viv. You sound just like me. I have Bills ashes right in the living room where I sit along with several special pictures. He was and is the most wonderful man and I was so blessed to be with him. I haven’t removed his clothes. It makes me feel good knowing they are here. I don’t think it matters if you keep them or not. You are right about him being my love of my life. He was my world and always will be. As I am approaching 4 months on August 25th I feel like it’s been so long since I’ve seen him. I sure miss him.

  • Annie

    August 12th, 2016 at 12:01 PM

    Hi Rich. It sounds so beautiful what you’re doing. You certainly can tell how much you loved her. I’m sure she is smiling down on you. I agree with the clothing. As I said earlier I haven’t disturbed any of my husbands things. It makes me feel so much closer to him. God Bless you.

    Reply

  • Vivian

    August 12th, 2016 at 4:06 PM

    Annie, it has been 13 months and 2 weeks for me. The grief is brutal but it changes. The anniversary was like one of those 100 ft waves I wrote about before and it lasted for weeks. Lately I have had full days of crying, others of feeling numb. Bedtime is the hardest part of the day lately. We always waited for each other to be ready to go to bed. I can still imagine him asking me, are we ready? So the tears come, I write in my journal and talk to him. It is so difficult to get interested in anything. I have wanted to start working on my photo books but weeks keep passing and I just couldn’t muster up the drive. Finally I started planning and getting the photos. I have been working on them all day. The day has flown by with just weak moments throughout but I’m accomplishing something. He loved it when I did this so that helps. I will always be his wife, I was so proud to be his wife. I fell in love with him before we even acknowledged how we felt. We worked together and he was a friend of my brother. We KNEW how we both felt and all he had to say was “we need to talk” and I said “yes we do”. We were married 6 months later and I loved him more and more every day for 34 years. I understand that other people can move on and find someone else but when you have a love as perfect as ours, it is forever.

  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 12th, 2016 at 12:04 AM

    hi everybody it is falling apart me again. there has been one trigger after another. a grief support group that was too cheerful last night. a visit to the vet specialty clinic. one of my cats has a lump the size of a walnut and it is cancer. a stop at steve’s grave on the way home. a nice surprise visit from a friend. then finally checking e mail and my mother in law steve’s mama died this morning at 4 15 am. i was out all day. i felt like an in law out of the loop but mostly i cried that steve pre deceased his mama. she was 89 and had been waiting to go meet her husband, ready to go to where he was, for nearly 4 years. she had a good visit with her one surviving sister the day before she died and had a peaceful death. but i am crying this evening…..i want steve here and i want us to be holding each other tight. i want him to visit his mother her last days….not in the natural order of things. what happened. i don’t think i am doing very well at accepting reality. the stages of grief yes but they don’t come in order they jump around some. this thing i have is called complicated grief or prolonged grief. if you pray please pray for my kitty gabrielle. thank you. all be well. ciao and MIAO

    Reply

  • Rich

    August 12th, 2016 at 9:22 AM

    Rebecca:
    I stopped going to my grief support group for the same reason. However in all fairness most were there for someone who had died over a year ago and in some cases 3 years ago and not one for a spouse so their level of grief might have been different from mine.
    Forget the stages of grief, I think measuring yourself to that just causes more stress. I know they mention anger, I have none. Who am I going to blame? Everyone is different and no one knows how better to “heal” themselves than their self.
    Saying a prayer for Gabrielle. I am spoiling Janet’s cat, “Poodles”. She said if anything ever happened to her the cat would be at 200 pounds in no time. She’s getting there.

    Rich

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  • Sandra

    August 12th, 2016 at 8:58 AM

    ….Hi people….Rebecca, I’m so sorry about your mother-in-law and your cat, yes it never ends…It’s got to be the most awful thing for a mother to see her child go before her however old they are…I hope to god that never happens to me….I hope your cat isn’t suffering to much and it can be sorted…..Rich, yes I wish you could show us a picture, it sounds a fantastic thing you have done for Janet….I’ve still got my wedding dress after 45 yrs of marriage, I don’t know what to do with it now….Feels like it doesn’t matter anymore..I keep wondering now what this life thing is all about, really, just what is it all about? I’ve felt a bit low the past couple of days, I haven’t seen my son for 2 weeks, his children are on their summer break from school…he’s going to America on Saturday for 2 weeks on holiday…By the time I see him, it will be 5 weeks since I’ve seen him…That fact is making me think about missing my husband even more….The tears come from nowhere, you think things are changing a little bit…the fact is, they aren’t, not yet….I don’t know how the same thing can occupy your brain 24/7…..I try a different angle to try and cope…I tell myself, it was going to happen sooner or later, I would be in this position whatever..( I just know he wouldn’t have outlived me )….Better for me to handle being still quite young and kind to him because the illness he had (IPF) was progressive….Like I said…Just what is it all about…? He was the best and so good around the place….I don’t think any of us will ever be the same again, how can we be…It feels like I’ve had my right arm cut off….17 months and it feels like yesterday…..I feel and think about all of you…..It’s good to vent…x

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 12th, 2016 at 11:26 AM

    good people thank you for your posts about yourselves .and your supportive posts to me me . all of you thanks.
    will re read them.
    rich what you describe is beautiful. i am having to deal with a cemetery with rules and it has been a hassle. so lovely. what you describe. btw last night midnight here we had raging thunder and lightening.
    so sleep was impossible…
    thank you for your words as well, rich , about the grief support.
    all of you are a big help. i like to hear how you are. and as for myself i feel myself to be in big trouble and your kind words are enormously appreciated
    here the heat wave has broken.
    here is a little thing to share. did i say that last year i planted passion flowers? they came back like gangbusters and vine and embrace my house and sneak in thru windows where they shouldn’t. they are lovely but the passion of my life my beloved steve is gone so…what is it, irony?
    i feel myself to be falling apart and do not think i will last long without him. i have mental physical and emotional problems and the complicated grief and too much on my plate. i am very lost. you are a huge help each and all of you. thank you. have the most tolerable weekend you can. all be well. ciao and MIAO.

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  • maureen

    August 13th, 2016 at 9:54 AM

    i just read the article and i could’nt help but cry.. i lost my husband of 18 years to himself in May of 2015. Not a day goes by that i don’t think of him, our boys are growing up so fast and it hurts me to know that he’s missing out on everything. However, i have faith that one day we will be together again, and i think that’s what keeps me going. Days and nights are tolerable now and i am able to look through his personal belongings without breaking down in tears. I have my Louis’s ashes on the mantle facing the television set like he always wanted. I still have all his clothes, and his favorite things near his urn. Days i continue to go on moment by moment.. that’s the best that i can do.

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  • Annie

    August 13th, 2016 at 1:08 PM

    Hi Maureen. You’re right. That’s what gets us through is our faith and knowing we will see our loved one again. If it weren’t for that hope I couldn’t do it. We were so blessed with our wonderful mates a privilege many are never given. My children are grown now but I can only imagine how hard this is for you. You will be in my prayers for strength & comfort.

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  • Rebecca R

    August 13th, 2016 at 12:59 PM

    checking in here appreciating the support thank you all. thank you . it’s sunny out. it’s 247 pm oh yeah why have i not eaten or gone out. i just want to lie in bed. with steve by my side. but he isn’t here. this is where he died. there are times i feel rooted to this spot. not managing well. no support community or family around but even if i had all that we all know what it is to have a perfect love and then a broken heart and the loss will never go away. thank you all. it is comforting that we suffer together but the grief is painful. it just hurts so much and i love my husband. all be well.. as those in our situation can be. thanks again all of you. and btw rich…there was one woman who was also a sudden death widow whose husband died in an accident 4 days before my steve..even she was eerily cheerful. different relationships, different emotional makeups, different widows and widowers. i feel broken and so sad. again. thanks.
    ps i wish one of you were near by and willing to do the 5 hour round trip drive with me to get a cat a cat scan. i have arthritic knees. was ill advised to drive. steve did that. and then will have to do it again when they schedule his mama’s memorial. not ppl around to go with. some dim maybes. maybe i will hire that as well. a driver. or risk pain and…everything a crisis. so loved being partnered. mostly miss him for the sheer joy of his presence and the mutual unconditional love…though i do also admit to missing help w the mundane and talking over big decisions. life as i knew it is over. there will never be normal there will always be pain and sadness. i am grateful for what we had. i am sad it ended. so i am greedy. yes greedy for steve….for his sake and mine and the world….sorry to be so weepy again but i know you understand thanks and more thanks. for being who you are. you plural. oh……i just sometime open my journal and write steve steve steve all over the page…..

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  • pat

    August 14th, 2016 at 1:04 AM

    Oh Rebecca my heart goes out to you. If I lived nearby I would take you to vets and I hate driving. I also have to take David’s cat to the vet this week. Everyone in the family knows I hate driving plus I am working ( financial necessity) but as yet no-one has offered to do this for me. I know what you mean by helping even with the mundane tasks and unconditional love. My husband was a compulsive hoarder so I am wading my way through it all. My family have avoided it but fortunately I have had a few good friends to help. For that I am so thankful. Couldn’t have done it without them. They also lift my spirits a little when it all gets too much.Still intending moving. Too much needing done in this house. This was David and I”s home now it feels like an empty shell like I am. And as I have said before location not good as too far from town. Was an ordeal for me yesterday to do the 8 mile return journey to get my meds. I am aware that’s nothing to most people but for me it’s a big thing. Fortunately it was a bright sunny day but in the winter I couldn’t have done it. Then I would have had to ask someone. Just feel like I am a burden. David was the only one I could ever truly rely on and vice versa. Rebecca do you not have any family, neighbours or friends who could help you out. Sounds to me you could really do with a shoulder to cry on so consider this site the shoulder. Spoke to a widower friend yesterday on the phone. It is 20 years since his wife died and there is not a day goes by that he doesn’t think of her. Sometimes he will share a little story about them with me , and although he has maybe told me the same story several times I listen to him and comment like I hadn’t heard it before. Like us he also has his favourite moments with her and I feel honoured he shares them with me no matter how many times he wants to say it. I will share something with him about David and it helps to talk like that even though it makes us sad. As he says no-one can truly understand how we feel. I can relate to you forgetting to eat. I do that all the time. I am so underweight now. A friend said to me ‘do you even want to get well’. I think that deep down maybe I don’t. Wish I lived closer to you to offer practical and emotional help and give you a hug. My friend came out to help me yesterday and brought a bunch of flowers. I asked her why and she said ‘to put a smile on your face’. Wish I could do the same for you. I am so grateful for people like her and for all of you on this site. Wondering if it might help if every day you thought of a funny or happy story of you and Steve and wrote it down. Doesn’t have to be important or world shattering but something you shared. It could be an affectionate moment or even a silly argument you had then laughed about. Try it and see. I might do that too. We had so many lovely moments so will just write down the first one that pops into my head. I know this may be difficult as like you I am struggling to get his death out of my mind but may be worth a go. Take care and keep venting here. We are all listening and empathising with each other. You are not alone.

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  • Annie

    August 13th, 2016 at 1:02 PM

    Hi Viv. As I walked through the door a few minutes ago from work I began talking to Bill. I thanked him for being such an awesome husband and how much I missed him. We were so very blessed with such wonderful husbands and I agree no one would ever replace him nor would I want anybody to. I will be patient until we will be reunited again. Until then the sadness continues but the wonderful memories will always be there. God Bless you my friend.

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  • Sandra

    August 14th, 2016 at 5:34 AM

    …Annie…I too talk to Miles all the time…I too tell him he was the best and without him I wouldn’t have had a life..I truly believe that as well, just because of the kind of person I am…He loved me warts and all as they say, always made me feel special just by the little things he did…I read a good quote online….’It’s better to show someone you love them rather than tell them ‘…..That’s exactly what he was like, he wasn’t a very verbal type of guy, but he certainly left me in no doubt he loved and respected me…I truly believe I couldn’t have done any better…..There’s a lot of memories in 48yrs, all of them good really….I just wish the panic button would stay off a bit longer at times, I get quite anxious at times, mostly because of everything to do here.. We are lucky people to have had such love in our lives….I’m not happy about being a singleton, it still feels strange even after 17 months….I too am just waiting….that’s how I feel, just waiting…..x

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  • Vivian

    August 14th, 2016 at 3:35 AM

    God bless us all!

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  • Vivian

    August 14th, 2016 at 4:18 AM

    Rebecca, weepy is a very frequent state so no need to apologize. I certainly understand what you are talking about. I loved being partnered, I loved doing everything with him down to the simplest tasks. I used to call cleaning the house as sort of a dance. We complemented each other, he would wash I would fold and put away, he cleaned the kitchen (he claimed I wasn’t as good as he was but I know that he just wanted to make my life easier.), I organized, etc etc. I miss it all. I think what makes me lonely is that whenever I hurt about anything, he was the one who made things better, so how can I go to him about this?
    I never imagined that others felt like me basically because so many people don’t understand what we are all going through, but it does help to know, sadly, that all of you are here and you all understand our pain.

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  • Sandra

    August 14th, 2016 at 4:20 PM

    ..Yes…The tears come at a drop of a hat…..Yes, it’s maybe a good idea to share our memories together…Anything you can think off…doesn’t matter how trivial or silly, we understand, those little silly times mean so much to us now…I so miss his voice..I get agitated very easily….I would tell him my concerns, as soon as I heard his voice I felt calm….I so miss that….He was a very calming influence….I have to cope now with my fears on my own…I don’t think I can ever let go…I don’t want to…I’ve been hugging his jacket tonight, the pale grey one I loved him in…..I keep thinking, I can’t stay like this to the end of my life, I just can’t….My son even annoyed me when after only 11 months, he said to me, he’s been gone nearly a year, I thought you were an adult….This is typical of how other people don’t understand….I’m trying my hardest to feel normal, I fear, I’ve quite a way to go yet……Keep venting folks, it’s the only way to lighten the load…x

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  • Annie

    August 15th, 2016 at 6:26 AM

    Dear Sandra. You are doing great. It’s still a short time. Of course you miss him and cry because if your loss. It’s four months for me this month and of course I am devastated. I do the best I can and I have real melt downs as well. What an you expect. People who haven’t been here will never understand this kind of grief. They have to walk in our shoes to know this kind of pain. Keep up the good work and you are in my prayers. We will get through this. It’s not easy but we will.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 14th, 2016 at 10:12 PM

    pat, everybody, thank you. i just got off the phone with the wife of the person who will drive us to the vet school to get a cat scan for the cat. i think she is frustrated with me. she has health probs. so many people seem disgusted with me they say they would “get help”– like she has gotten help w her health probs…but what help can we who are in deep grief get? there is no help. tuesday will be 43 weeks. i am terrified of the year anniversary, of the jewish holidays before that…i am treading water to keep up with the mundane. not all mundane but: cat health problems. plumbing problems. stove broke. fridge has been replaced. but i am in this house to make it a home with my beloved. it was our home now it is …our home but he is not home. people are disgusted with me….as if ….what? we can’t help it, our broken hearts. there is no magic pill. what to do when people shout at you and say they didn’t have the luxury of feeling bad? luxury? we are suffering. i think it is a matter of time before i either drop from exhaustion or……i don’t want to talk about it but i do not see the difference between the ” oregon method” for physical incurable disease and this incurable anguish. is it hideous that i am in shock that this is my fate? almost 43 weeks…and i will in not too much time enter a second year….my life was so full of joy. my beloved steve was my joy. we had a wonderful shared life. we were and are poor…but we were rich in love and had so much to do together. now…..i feel the empty feeling we all feel…and no one gets it but you (plural). some people think i am wallowing and are disgusted with me but….can’t they see the pain? we are suffering…if someone broke their leg and couldn’t do things people would understand. why is there so little sympathy for our broken hearts? except here. thank you all. some of the people who are mean to me ..i have dropped as friends. but others are my friends they just can’t stand to be around my sadness. it’s like i am dripping blood on them. i do not want to live for long like this. i have things to do. life is beautiful. but this pain this emotional pain is more than i can bear…….you know? you know. what to do? all i want is what we had. i do not want to live like this……. how are you all? bad, right? why ask…..i want steve. i do not like to be in a world where i do not love anyone and no one loves me. not as much as steve did. not as much as i love him. i love him i love him and he is gone….and now….what? thank you dear people…..

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  • Annie

    August 15th, 2016 at 9:18 AM

    Rebecca. I do understand. I had a complete meltdown this morning. It’s been almost four months and I miss Bill so much. People who haven’t walked in our shoes don’t understand. You need to surround yourself with people that can share your pain but unfortunately that’s the grieving. We have lost the most previous person in our lives and it hurts terribly. You need to grieve snd know WE all care about you.

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  • graham uk

    August 15th, 2016 at 10:42 AM

    when people greet me they say hello you alright but I have to say ok because no bodies really interested its almost like being shunned. I am getting worse as time goes on cant see the point of life without the one I love I can see my future and its scary all I do is think about is my tricia I still cant believe she has gone its a b****y nightmare I can still remember the first the first time I saw her. love at first sight .shes still my wife and I’m still married to her an d like Sandra I wait and wait not to long I hope sorry for the rant

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  • Sandra

    August 15th, 2016 at 11:37 AM

    …..I’ve been doing work in the garden today and whilst doing it my mind is still consumed by the usual….Thinking about so-called well meaning people…Patronizing is what I call it, when some people say…” But you’ve got lots of good memories “….In my mind whilst I’m doing the jobs Miles used to do….I visualize myself saying back to them..” yes I’ve got lots of memories, how would you like to try and cope with just memories instead of your husband, would you be happy with that ? ” …. My wicked side thinks…”I’ve got it over with,you still have it to come, see how you like it….But then…You’ll have your memories, wont you….” Grief twists your mind…..I drive places and wonder how I got there, thinking , thinking all the time….What if this, what if that..I wish I’d done or said this or that…Wish I hadn’t said or done this or that……Oh to think clearly….I pray to god we all get there….x

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  • pat

    August 15th, 2016 at 1:40 PM

    Will be 12 weeks on Wednesday since I last spoke, touched and held my husband. My grown up family were fairly supportive initially but think they feel I should be ‘mum’ again. They don’t understand half of me has gone and I am no longer the person they once knew. Visits and calls are infrequent. As i have mentioned here before my intention is to move house. Everything I have asked them to help with has been a drama and I don’t need that adding to my sorrow. I really feel they have let their dad down as he was so sure they would be supportive and there for me in my time of need. Fortunately a few true friend have been and for that I am grateful. Rebecca never feel alone as we are all here to support each other. As a comment pops up it can e the highlight of my day to feel understood. I go to work out of financial necessity which is another reason people think I am back to normal. As I enter the house my world crashes down again. Not that I forget at work but struggle through. Yes Sandra I also get agitated with people saying I am lucky to have had him for 41 years and have lots of good memories. But we wanted to make more. This empty feeling is intolerable. My friend says David would have been proud of me in what I have been doing sifting through his mountains of stuff and taking control without family help. I hope so. He always said I was the strong one and could always see the silver lining but not this time. Just so so sad like you all but strangely comforting knowing I am not alone. Thanks to you all.

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  • Janice

    August 15th, 2016 at 4:10 PM

    I feel so connected to each of you–and am so grateful for this site. Everything each of you writes relates to me in so many ways and your words are my only solace at this stage of my grieving. Right now I’m nearing ten months since Werner died and I am telling you now, it has only gotten worse…there must have been a considerably long period of numbness, because as the weeks go by, I am nearly physically sick to be living without him. I spent a lot of time away between November to spring and each time I returned home I fell apart all over again. My children live far away (one is a 3-hr. drive ; the other, a two-hour flight), so I am really on my own right now. Just wanted you to know I have re-read all posts from the past six months–absolutely nothing has changed and I honestly don’t know how it can. Married 46 years ; together for 48–met 50 years ago–and he and I never talked about what each of us might or should do in the event of dying. It never occurred to either of us that he would die. Sudden and unexpected. The medical gods truly messed up this one. So, besides your words, I do know this — one day at a time. That’s it. That’s all I can do and so far, I’ve been failing miserably. My prayers go out to each of you–and to you, especially, Rebecca.

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  • Kathryn

    August 15th, 2016 at 6:36 PM

    Hi everyone, I’m so sorry everyone is going through this. I’ve spent the last week in bed. I can barely get myself to take care of myself let alone to work. I am depressed and isolated and don’t know how to break this cycle. It’s been almost 2 years since my husband passed away and he was all I had for social support. We did everything together and were happy being together. Now I don’t know how to go on. I’m afraid I will lose everything and end up homeless. Anyone else have this extreme of a reaction? I have no family or friends.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 16th, 2016 at 12:23 AM

    thank you janice. empathy …more than that..with you all. with out steve i am sad and feel like a burden and a beggar. kitty gabbie has a cancer lump and i am trying to find someone to help me drive to ia state vet med and back. rt knee is v arthritic l elbow has fractures …help fell thru. up late putting out desperate pleas. i loved my love for more than the practical. we made joy in all our togetherness and had a shared life. now he is 43 weeks gone. i have spent hours trying to find someone to help me help one of our kitties.life is not supposed to be like this. mostly i miss not the practical but his love mind heart soul… forever sad leads me to think how long can i do this? it is a jewish leap year so my mourning will go an extra month, all the way to the date he died on the jewish calendar which this year coincides with election day. and then what? i hear the 2nd year is worse. i cry, or i feel like a zombie… can’t do this for long. this is not living.
    appreciate you all. thank you . x o. and kathryn…yes. me too. i have 4 cats. that’s my family……..best to you. i understand and yes. i have this extreme of a reaction. no idea what will become of us…..we would not even be happy if we were all in one big house. we’d each be crying in our own room but maybe…..a bi tof relief. but we want our beloveds…..we want them so much….. and accept n o substitutes…and barely accept that they are gone………….take care. stay hydrated. tears are water too. x o ciao MIAO

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  • Vivian

    August 16th, 2016 at 6:56 AM

    I have been hesitating on writing my feelings lately because we are all feeling bad enough without me making it worse but you all are the only people I can be totally honest with. After 13 months of this total sadness, I feel like things are just going downhill. As you all know, my Dad died in April and although I miss him, he was almost 92 and lived a good life, it just felt natural. But now I have gotten the news that my daughter-in-law may be really sick. They found a lesion in her brain and will be doing tests for the next 2 weeks. I will be flying to Georgia to help them out. They have 3 boys and one is autistic. I can’t handle this. I am doing what is expected but I can’t believe I have been left here alone so I can struggle through more pain. Raul and I used to say that this would be the best time of our lives because we were done raising the kids (6) and now it was our time. I’m scared of what the future brings, scared for my son and family and scared for me. Losing Raul was hard enough, can’t I just have some peace? I have been feeling hopeless for days.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 16th, 2016 at 8:05 AM

    vivian. heart with you. take care and take care even tho you are hurting take care of you and them you can. i am having trouble finding someone to help me take a cat to a vet 2 hrs away. its’ all too hard. oh your dad. yes. sad but i n the natural order of things as they say. we do not compare grief. but spouse loss is too much. you have every reason to be scared. widow hood is terrifying. and then more stuff comes at you. heart with you. mine is. know that. now what about my cat with a cancer lump…..

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  • Vivian

    August 16th, 2016 at 9:18 AM

    Rebecca, thank you for your words, thank you for being here. I wish I could help or at least keep you company. All of you are me new friends that I feel free to talk to and be understood.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 16th, 2016 at 11:22 AM

    you are Welcome. i too appreciate all here. i am losing “friends” who are disgusted that i am not ” better” and the happy person they knew..the activist couple they knew. i want to die of grief. i have things to do but ….43 weeks without steve. will not be able to cope long. sinking into quicksand of grief. it will swallow me….you know? you know. thanks all for being here. and for being who you are. wish all soul mates could die together and no left behind ones suffer this. i know. it’s not the way things are. thank again. to nap with cats now. miao.

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  • Janice

    August 16th, 2016 at 1:58 PM

    I just posted yesterday, but would like to ask everyone a question. It seems that many of you have passed the one-year mark. I am now sitting in that time frame when each day is a reminder of this time last year–since my husband’s very serious cardiac issues began July 15th. My daughter told me to put the calendar away, but it’s all etched in my mind anyway. Are you also finding your emotions to be more unstable and do you cry more? I am such a mess–have cried so much recently–I feel such pain as each day begins–no one can prepare you for the magnitude of losing someone you have lived with day in and day out for so many, many years. One day here–next day gone. I am constantly thinking what I will do on October 29th–yes, it’s a ways out, but I am not sure if I shall hide away or be with my children–I’d just rather turn back time and change the outcome. Thanks for any advice or words of wisdom you can give me…

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  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    August 16th, 2016 at 2:20 PM

    Hi Janice and all,
    We hope you all know that in reading your comments, we hear your grief and are thinking of you all. We particularly wanted to address your question, Janice, about feeling and recognizing anniversaries (good and bad) when they come around, and point to this article: Trauma and the Body: When Anniversaries Aren’t So Happy

    Wishing you continued healing,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team ♥

    Reply

  • Sandra

    August 16th, 2016 at 4:50 PM

    ..Janice…There are no words of wisdom..Everyone is an individual….Everyone will react in a different way….You just have to take it one day at a time, take the anguish, the pain, distress, anger, loss, regret at what you did or didn’t say or do..All we can do is listen, we know your pain for sure…..The second year is worse…..I was not prepared for the 2nd year..I thought as time went on I would improve, I would take it on the chin and tough it out..I’ve lost a lot of family members over the years….But when you feel halved by death it’s not the same….The 2nd year brings it all home, hard……Sink or swim….Been looking at his photos from years back, he was so handsome and such a good man…..I struck gold when I met him….Why does life have to be so cruel……But this is what we are told and learn….Life is fragile….I believe it now after spending our last moments together…I need to live, to remember……So must we all……..x

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  • Vivian

    August 17th, 2016 at 4:59 AM

    Sandra, every word is true and it’s where I am.

  • Vivian

    August 16th, 2016 at 2:39 PM

    Janice, the weeks around Raul’s one year anniversary were brutal. Putting away the calendar won’t change anything. I was not doing well and I called my sister in law who is my closest friend. She lost a son 10 years ago. He was 20. Although it is not the same, I asked her why I was getting worse and she said that the second year is an affirmation that all of this is real, that they are really gone. Your daughter and mine mean well and they hurt for us but they can’t really understand. I know because when my mother-in-law lost her husband those first 2 years were agonizing for her but I couldn’t relate. Now I feel guilty that I wasn’t more understanding. She went through a lot of pain without anyone who really understood.
    All I can say is that I just go one hour, one day at a time. If I think beyond that, I get worse. We are here.
    I honestly wish I could go to a grief group in person with all of you, then maybe I wouldn’t feel so alone.

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  • Janice

    August 16th, 2016 at 3:19 PM

    Thank you for your kind reply, Vivian–I’m just amazed that I’ve been crying so much, though–each day further away from my husband makes the reality clearer and more painful. This has not been a “good day” — none of them really are — but yes, one hour at a time is all I can handle — I keep wondering about those first months and why I am so much worse now at 10 months out…

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  • Rebecca

    August 16th, 2016 at 5:30 PM

    janice you are oct 29 i am oct 20 . 43 weeks ago today. and steve’s mama’s obit just came out..she died last thurs, the same day we found kitty gabrielle’s lump is cancer. the insects sing. i think about how last year we sat in awe at the magic symphony of cicadas and more. i am much worse now and ppl have told me the 2nd year is worse. jewish new year is in oct. i am dreading the holidays and the one year anniversary. we are doing this time frame together and it is horrible. i suppose i have to go to my mother in law’s memorial but i am scared and the sister in law is scared that i will get too emotional. i could plead illness. i am sick with grief. she died in ames where the vet school is and where we are going to take the kitty tomorrow. i am paying someone to drive me. my right knee is arthritic and i will shake or cry in the car. i want to go there and back in a day. it is the last trip steve made, and solo, and he saw his mama and all, and that was a thurs….2 weeks before we buried him. not in the natural order of things. vivian i see your post….i do not know how to do an hour at a time. disasters keep happening. i am in terror of the future and the present and only want the past. i feel like a burden. mutual unconditional love is wonderful. to loose our partners. …is horrible. we didn’t have kids. steve was my everything. i love these cats but how long can i go on like this? i feel like i am going to break. will go to psych doc thurs..she was on vacay all summer…she has empathy and offers pills which i do not want…there is no cure. this is suffering. i am terrified. all i do seems so mundane. the light is gone. the light was steve. the light the life the smile. we had one shared life. i have to get papers in order. i do not think it is right even to wish for an end to my life but i do not feel alive. i just want to be by steve’s side. i want him to hold my hand. i am a big baby. no…i am in love with my perfect mate and we had so much joy. i fell off a mountain of love into a quicksand of grief. i am drowning. you know. you know. you know. if you pray please pray for the health of kitty gabrielle. i didn’t save steve. i have to try to save her. it’s all too much. chill pills now? i’ve taken to drinking a bit and i NEVER drink, now i will go get some cold hemp milk ( * good non dairy milk w healthy omegas) and put in some amaretto and walk….after i make a list for tomorrow. oh dear. i am not honoring steve well by being sad but……i know he understands and says oh pal oh pal i did not mean to leave you….and cries with me. how can we do this? love to all. ciao and miao. i am a widow in trouble…. are you?
    ps janice i forgot where you are. vivian meeting is a nice idea. are we allowed to exchange phone numbers? sometimes i wish for a dial- a – widow( or widower)…..i like calls when i am scared and lonely. my number is under my husband’s name. well i need to know if it ok to say more. way too anxious and bereaved…….you?

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 16th, 2016 at 9:39 PM

    beautiful comment sandra and also scary and sad. so scared of 2nd year. thanks ….

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  • Lea

    August 18th, 2016 at 2:18 PM

    So today at work someone asked me about my husband. I informed them I’m a recent widow. She then asked a question to me that seems so ignorant to ask. Why do you still wear your ring if your a widow? I just looked at her so confused by that question. She then said to me your too young you HAVE to move on. My husband has been gone not even 4 months. People can’t understand. I miss him everyday and it breaks my heart that I haven’t touched him in almost 4 months. I haven’t seen his face or herd his voice I feel like everyday I’m losing him more. I don’t ever want to lose memories of him. I don’t want to move on. I want my husband. Why is life so cruel ?

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  • Fran

    August 18th, 2016 at 2:50 PM

    Lea: Unfortunately you will be confronted by those individuals that certainly don’t understand loosing a spouse and the grief we endure. My sweet Charlie has been gone since 6-10-15 and I still wear his wedding band behind my wedding rings. He will always be part of me and as far as your memories…they will be a part of you for the rest of your life..You will not loose those memories..right now it probably hurts like hell to recall those precious memories yet, in time you will get to a point you can smile when a memory pops up..I had a individual tell me recently “if you don’t stop loosing weight you are going to blow away”..I calmly slipped my foot out of my flip flop and said “walk in these shoes for a day and you will understand”..It is your journey and you travel the path however it is best for you..do not feel like you have to satisfy all questions with a reply..As far as moving on…I consider it walking thru it..acknowledge that your life is different know and when you are ready you will find yourself..God Bless you..Pray..and take care of yourself..it’s not the path we chose yet..death is inevitable for each and everyone..we just didn’t think it would be this soon..

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  • Sandra

    August 18th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    …Fran..you are wise woman…everything you say rings true with me…..Yes, let them walk in our shoes…but, you’ve got to give them the benefit of the doubt, they know nothing of our situation….Lea….I’m 17 months in, I have no intention of removing my wedding ring..It is quite a substantial wedding ring….I knew when I chose it, it would be forever…It will stay on my finger for the rest of time, because, I’m still married to the man I love, he just happens to be dead…..So what…..he’s my husband and I still love him…Weird?….No, just deep devotion…The longing will carry on, but hopefully through time , I will handle it better…The pain is still there after 17 months, it’s moving into a dull ache and a longing that can never be fulfilled…..So what now.?….Time for the logic…..Do you want to do it, or do you not want to do it..?

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  • Vivian

    August 18th, 2016 at 5:38 PM

    Lea, I just don’t understand how people can be so, the only word I can think of is, ignorant. That person didn’t deserve a response. You never have to answer to anyone how you grieve your husband. Everyone here understands.

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  • Lea

    August 18th, 2016 at 9:24 PM

    Thanks so much for the replies. At least I know people here can relate to my sorrow and understand my situation.

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  • Janice

    August 19th, 2016 at 4:56 PM

    Another Friday — not that one day or the next makes any difference. Thank you to everyone who reads my posts. I read every single word from all of you. I was not prepared for this. Approaching ten months. Feeling empty, numb and completely inert today. Rebecca — my town is Vermillion — we have mutual friends here. Sending you all love and blessings–and without listing everyone’s name, thank you for all of your words and sharing. I really, really hate how I am feeling and all I can see is my husband’s face when he died. I am fortunate that I could say I love you to him and that he heard me…

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  • pat

    August 20th, 2016 at 9:24 AM

    Tears just not stopping today. Have now almost finished decluttering the house and house went up for sale yesterday.Very emotional although I am sure I am doing the right thing. I have rubbish piling up to go to the dump. Mentioned it to my daughter and her reply was ‘ just take it to the dump then’. She does know I am on strong meds and not confident about driving so if this is the kind of help I can look forward to then I have to move so I will be self sufficient i.e. no garden and 10 minute walk into town. Could not have managed all this without the help of a very good friend. Cat also needs to go to vet and my daughter said ‘I’m sure you’ll manage that’. A colleague saw me waiting for bus today and stopped and asked how I was. My reply ‘would be better if I didn’t waken in the morning’. What did she expect me to say. My best friend, lover, soul-mate for the last 41 years has gone but everything is hunky dory. Feeling the despair today. So so sad. Wish it would all just stop. Saw a psychiatrist for the first time on Thursday and not one of our 3 children has even called to ask how it went. Just need David back desperately My heart is truly broken. This is the only place where we truly understand each other’s pain. Getting more and more difficult. Still not putting on weight and a friend said ‘ it seems like you don’t want to get better’. It wasn’t said in an accusing way more of an understanding way and I reckon she is right. What’s the point. I don’t actually care about anything any more. Just need to sell this house which was David and I’s home but now an empty shell. I constantly see him dying on the bathroom floor, sitting in his favourite chair etc… so shut myself away in a room I have cleared out which he didn’t use so much because of the clutter. . Need to get out of here and hopefully just take the good memories and not be beholding to anyone.I could always rely on David now apart from 1 friend I can’t rely on anyone so need to move to be independent.It has a security door at the place I have in mind so if I don’t feel like visitors I won’t answer it. Simple as that. At this house they can see I am in. Can be a recluse if I want. Rant over for a wee while. I really sympathise with you all on here. I read every comment and feel a little guilty as I have it easier than some regarding finances, health and friends. But at the end of the day we have one common ailment – total heartache and loss. Difficult to see how we can get through this. I am sure it is possible to die of a broken heart. If so surprised it hasn’t happened to us yet. Such an unhappy struggle for us all and yes I can imagine us all in a room together sobbing our hearts out.

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  • Sandra

    August 20th, 2016 at 4:00 PM

    …Pat…You are a brave lady putting your house up for sale so early…..Moving house is so stressful, but I understand your reasoning behind this move…I too keep getting a vision of Miles stuck on the stairs just before I had to get an ambulance for him when his oxygen dropped dangerously low…..Now…I just thank god he didn’t die in this house…If he had I would be like you, I would want away from that memory…..This situation really sucks, I’m pretty fed up of it…But what are any of us supposed to do about it…..Nothing really makes much sense anymore…..I’m worried about my house, the jobs are stacking up, I hate people coming to the house to do jobs, I’m not used to it, it’s stressing me out..Then I say to myself, what am I bothering for, it’s bricks and mortar, it will be here long after my day… Miles put so much work into it, but it is way to much for one woman on her own….I hope you manage a sale and get moved and be self sufficient as you want…You’re right, when push comes to shove, people are not interested ( even family)…..They make promises of being there and help etc….But when it comes to the crunch, they don’t deliver…..I’m trying to look after myself and stay fit and healthy, because I’ve basically only got myself….Janice….I too keep getting a vision of my husbands face as he reached for my hand for the last time…It breaks my heart, the way he was looking at me…I told him more than once I loved him, I felt so helpless watching him go downhill and when they took his oxygen mask off and he lasted 2 minutes and my life also drained away with his…..I just keep thinking….One day, just one day things will change, I’m sure, I hope for all of us here……x

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 20th, 2016 at 9:32 PM

    my beloved’s mama died and i thought i was too much a mass a mess of grief to try and go to the memorial but now 2 calls have come in saying it is the right thing to do. so i am thinking i will step up to the plate if i feel emotionally strong enough at the end of the week. i do not have to decide today. earlier my husband’s sister called and told me not to show up. they think i will be too weepy. i said i would not the wrote again and said if i do i will take care of me. they are afraid of my deep grief. talk about ppl who don’t get it…..ouch. what do you think? and janice in vermillion is it time to talk on the phone one day? oh. i am tired. good night. i do not know how to do this widow think. i miss my husband so so much. but i may be able to go to my mother in law’s funeral…2 hours away…if i can find someone to drive me. what do you think? i know i need to see how i feel later in the week. it’s a cool evening here. all be well. sweet dreams…

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  • Sandra

    August 22nd, 2016 at 2:07 AM

    …Rebecca…You decide yourself what you want to do about your mother-in-laws funeral…If you want to go and show respect on behalf of yourself and your husband, you go…if you feel like you can’t cope, don’t go…..I was dropped from family wedding as well after Miles died because they thought….’ I couldn’t cope ‘…..Why couldn’t they just be truthful and say what they thought, I was an inconvenience on my own…! Don’t be pressured from other people, do what you feel you need to do…x

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  • pat

    August 21st, 2016 at 4:56 AM

    I don’t feel very brave Sandra but needs must. Was a very emotional moment when the for sale sign went up outside. David and I always said this would be our last move and we would be here forever. Little did we know. He would have been so disappointed with family and I feel they are not only letting me down but letting their father down too. I will take all my happy memories with me but just can’t see them at the moment. Saw psychiatrist on Thursday and he even thinks the move will aid recovery. My intention is to shut myself away (if I get the place I really want) apart from going to work. Feel to exposed here. Glass front, back and conservatory doors. Anyone turning up will know I am in but in the flat they won’t. Think my friend has concerns about that but the psychiatrist didn’t. He just said if that works for you. He was very easy to speak to even though I cried for most of the time. Family have not even contacted me to see how it went apart from 1 son (who has been a godsend) , I’m back at work and selling my house so mum must be back to normal!! Total meltdowns every morning, every night. Doctor seemed concerned I was waking up crying in the middle of the night so is going to try me on new medication. Never taken meds my whole life. Now I don’t care and swallow whatever they give me. Not sure if they help or not as so so sad constantly. The other reason for this move will make it easier to sort through David’s things. The art stuff has gone to the art therapy class he used to teach and the rubbish has gone i,e,15 yr old receipts, tax discs from the 1980s , 150 pairs of glasses etc…The rest O intend to take with me and slowly go through it in the winter months at my leisure. Really hope I sell this house quick as need all this to happen. Asked my son today if he would take me to vet with cat and he said yes so will phone them tomorrow. I have a big meeting at GP surgery regarding lack of duty of care in David’s final 3 days. I wrote them a 7 page letter and will be demanding answers. I have my breast screening on Friday. Not sure if I will go or not as if they found anything don’t think I would want treatment anyway. Working Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and part of Friday so a busy week ahead. Hopefully vet open in the evening. Please keep your fingers and toes crossed I sell this house. The visions you have shared of your loved ones last moments are heartbreaking. David’s was so unexpected and sudden . When he said ‘I’m going,I’m going, I’m sorry’ there wasn’t even time to tell him he didn’t have to be sorry for anything. While I am typing this I am only about 3 feet where it happened. Still find it all so unreal – like tomorrow everything will be back to normal. Here I go crying again. Can’t seem to stop. Just gets worse and worse. My son said it’s a pity his dad couldn’t have seen the house looking the way I have it but I would have all his clutter back in an instant if I could have him back too. Loved him so very much it hurts. I have read some posts here where some have had multiple losses in a short space of time or young children to look after. I take my hat off to you all. I am too sad(also very busy) to even see my grandchildren. It’s a difficult situation anyway as my son (their father) has only visited twice since 25/5 and said to me ‘I had no idea how hard it was for him’ and his partner has not been in touch at all. They live half hour drive away.My daughter had baby 3 weeks ago and see them once a week (they live 10 minute drive away). All so wrapped up un their own wee lives. I hate sounding bitter and angry but I at least on here I can be honest. Now got forms to fill in and letters to write so best do it before my busy week starts. Think I’ll take some meds and have a cup of tea first.Thanks to all for putting up with my moaning and ranting.By the way moving house will never eradicate the vision of my husband dying in my arms and it may seem like I’m running away but there are so many other reasons for moving (mainly not depending on people) that it’s my only option. Everyone keep posting. It’s the highlight of my day when one pops up and I don’t feel like I am going crazy. take care.

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  • Sandra

    August 21st, 2016 at 3:46 PM

    …Pat, I think your brave, to undertake selling your house and have people in your home viewing it when you just want left alone….When Miles died, I was on turbo for months, I never stopped….I even had to change the insurance on the car and tax it again before I could use it, it was in his name…I didn’t want to take any chances, so I put the lot in my name even before I started to organize his funeral and sort the piles of stuff out…I was out driving everyday trying to get sorted….This is why I find the 2nd year worse, because it’s all over with and now I have time to think, or should I say over think….Miles was a hoarder as well, I went through some stuff in his drawers, there were receipts in there 30yrs old for stuff broken and long gone…I used to tell him he was a hoarder, but he denied it…I’ve got a double garage full of his stuff, gadgets, electrical tools, all sorts, tool boxes full of tools, everything….He told me to sell it all…Can I be bothered, no…..Everyday I can see him walking around the garden getting worse and worse….Yes, this house was our last move as well…well it definitely was for him…I don’t know what I will do, another couple of years and I won’t can manage this place…I can’t believe you’ve only seen your son twice since May and he lives 30mins away…they can be so selfish and uncaring…I sincerely hope your sale goes through quickly…..!

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  • pat

    August 21st, 2016 at 12:49 PM

    Rebecca you have days to decide on your mother in laws funeral. No-one can tell you what to do but do what you feel is right. Ignore other people’s comments and if you are weepy then so be it. Whatever you decide to do never look back. It may help to write down reasons to go and reasons not to go. Reading between the lines it would seem you have more reasons to go but only you will know. But remember it’s not up to anyone else to make that decision for you. This is the scary bits when we no longer have a spouse to discuss these things with. Seems to make these kind of decisions all the more difficult to deal with. Sorry I haven;t been much help. Just remember to do what feels right for you.Take care.

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  • Vivian

    August 21st, 2016 at 2:37 PM

    Rebecca, I lost my Dad in April and had not choice. I still make decisions asking myself what Raul would want me to do. So search your heart and decide for yourself. And if you are “too weepy” so what? People have to accept your grief and if they don’t that’s their problem.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 22nd, 2016 at 3:42 PM

    hi and thanks to all of you. 44 weeks ago today was steve’s last day alive. i feel i have no life without him and am very despondent today. have not written a thing. then again i needed to rest. and hold kitty who has cancer. DID decide to go to steve’s mama’s funeral…it’s 2 hrs away…paying someone to drive me there…with my arthritic knee and not stress about feelings and driving. have little interest in going on living for long without steve. i am very sad since week 42 which is how long it took for the reality to sink in. i am on the cleanup crew of our shared life. then i have no reason to stick around for too long and think will collapse and die naturally.my will to live is leaving me. the loss of the future we were going to have makes me beyond sad. i love and miss him beyond measure. no counseling helps. i am not talking about suicide. i am talking about loosing the will to live and nature taking its course. am totally exhausted. have been pushing hard.. need to lie down and rest. it is physical and emotional. all i want is what we had. without it i have no interest. no life. so…that is it. will try for that frightening 2nd year. nap time again now. been working too hard. and grieving IS exhausting. all be well. as you can which for me is not very. yes closing…nap time and don’t nap. ciao maio…..thanks

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  • Janice

    August 22nd, 2016 at 5:13 PM

    It must be depressing for you all to see another post from me — I can’t imagine the day will come when I can say “I feel better” — Rebecca, I feel exactly as you do and find my life to be an absolute nightmare ; I am getting nothing done, have no motivation to live–but we have one big difference–I do have grandchildren and need to try to stick around for them, at least for awhile! Unfortunately, they don’t live nearby. Pat, I cannot believe how quickly you were able to get your house up for sale. I am surrounded by a lifetime of memories here and would not have an ounce of energy right now to get my house ready and I’m nearing ten months. Still have absolutely everything of Werner’s. Hopefully, I can begin to tackle the project of organizing when the winter months arrive. Vivian and Sandra always have wonderful advice and I appreciate every word–my crying and aching come and go–it feels different now, but somehow the reality of Werner’s death is now sharper and I feel so very alone and am thinking too much and still nitpicking over the things I did or did not do. I just want our life together again–there are so many things I need to tell Werner, to say–and now I say them to his pillow and I pray often for some peace. It is right for you to be at your mother-in-law’s funeral, Rebecca–I don’t think I was particularly nice to my own MIL, I’m ashamed to admit–only in her later years. My father-in-law died at age 61 and she was only 49 at the time–very young. She lived to be 80 and suffered greatly, having also lost her youngest son, who died at age 37. So many lessons life gives us and it takes a lifetime to learn them. Love and peace to you all…(coming up on 43 weeks, Rebecca)

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  • Annie

    August 23rd, 2016 at 5:15 AM

    Hi Janice. I haven’t been on for over a week because I also am having a really rough time. It will be 4 months Thursday since my love has left me at 58 years old. It was far too soon although God blessed us with 26 years together. I cry everyday and wish I could have him back but I know that’s impossible. So I trust in God and know he is busy preparing a place for us when we are reunited. That is what gets me through each day. I have to work out restaurant each day because after twenty years I cant let it go after all our hard work. Believe me it is a struggle to go in but I have to. Thank God He has given me thestrengthto get through. I could never have done this myself. I pray for you because I know how hard it is. We all care.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 22nd, 2016 at 9:37 PM

    it’s always good to hear from you janice..and from everyone. 44 weeks is tomorrow. i am very sad. all be well. i am too sad. can’t take it. need help with getting mundane done. then i can just deal with the grief right? wish we were near enough to help each other. janice come on down…..6 hrs…?? wish. wish wish this nightmare was something to wake up from and not perma sad. no idea how anyone manages this. appreciate this group. all be well. as you can.i am not. oy. want my steve so much….he was my love and my ….everything. do not want to be perma sad. want to tc b and let nature take me ….wish…to be by steve’s side. bad attitude? yeah. you know. thanks for listening. this group is the best. thanks thanks.

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  • pat

    August 23rd, 2016 at 1:51 AM

    Janice, Sandra Rebecca and all I could not have managed to put my house up for sale without the help of good friends. I still have loads of David’s things including his toothbrush where he left it, dressing gown and slippers, clothes, photographic equipment.If I sell and move they will be coming with me. I have managed to find spaces in cupboards by throwing away some of my own stuff etc…I also have about 300 mounted A3 photos and 10 paintings he did hidden away in a cupboard which I shall also keep. It as been a hard slog but as each day passes I realise the need to be independent. This house no longer feels like our home. Just an empty shell like me. I have a big meeting at the doctors regarding David’s final 3 days and their lack of duty of care. I did a lot of research and sent them a 7 page letter demanding answers. My daughter had said she would go with me however she has not phoned me since I went to psychiatrist last Thursday to see how it went, or phoned to say I see the house is on the market (although she did share it on facebook) nor has she called to discuss arrangements for today. I can only assume she has forgotten about all that, Lunch with friends etc.. are far more important. If I sound bitter or harsh it’s because that’s how I feel. I contacted one of David’s carers who I became friendly with and she is going to come with me. If she couldn’t have managed I would have gone alone. Anger is making me strong. Really hope this house sells quickly. Feeling anxious about this meeting this afternoon. There will be 2 doctors and the practice manager. I am doing this to get answers, for David (I know it will not bring him back) and hopefully prevent it happening to someone else. I have also passed the circumstances to my union’s solicitor. I have nothing to lose as already have lost all that was important to me, Just feeling so unhappy like all of us on here. You and my friends are my lifeline. Family were helpful initially but now I am an inconvenience and a bother apart from 1 son who pops in about 3 times a week for a quick coffee. Rebecca think you are doing the right thing going to memorial but come the day if you don’t feel up to it that’s fine also. Don’t pressure yourself. I have learned to not bother what other people think.Janice I did think about waiting till winter to go through stuff but the urge to get out of here was too strong and a lot of it I intend taking with me. If I can’t sell quickly and get the place I have seen I don’t know what I will do, Going now to highlight the pertinent points in the 7 page letter in readiness for this meeting, I shall let you all know how it goes. Thinking of you all. These are tough times indeed.

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  • Vivian

    August 23rd, 2016 at 4:00 AM

    Rebecca, I have been there and I still get so desperate I don’t know what to do. I have found, however, that I can’t think beyond today, that I must just take one moment at a time, one hour at a time. Remember that the 100 foot waves will still come but in between we will have more and more breathing time. When I have to drive, I have started listening to audiobooks. It’s not a solution but the distraction lets me breathe some. Baby steps, we are all here for you as I know that when the wave hits me, I can count on all of you.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 23rd, 2016 at 9:15 AM

    pat you are brave. i can’t imagine going anywhere without steve so i can’t imagine going on. i am immobilized by panic and grief so often. something changed in me at 42 weeks….denial stopped and sheer panic set in. i still have shock. i feel that i cannot do this house clearing alone. most of my friends have died off or backed away from me because of grief. i appreciate this group. i imagine no new starts but i can’t just hide here forever. and there is so much to do. i have no new place to go. i need to stay here for better or for worse. i am not cut out to be a hermit. i have no joy and only sadness and longing for my beloved. the passage of time has not changed anything except my own physical and mental health are deteriorating. i am trying to find helpers. steve and i had such a wonderful life together. i did not expect it to end. as you might remember he was not ill but it was sudden death due to not recognizing that indigestion =heart attack —-he could have survived. it is not guilt but deep sadness. i am sinking. i am trying to find helpers. i can’t do this alone. i have no support system. i will use all resources to hire people to help. i do not have any vision of a life without steve. one kitty has cancer now. i imagine us dying off one by one. i am not only in grief but in panic and terror. or is it all the package. what i am doing is existing not living. i spent the first 10 months wanting steve back and crying. now that still exists but i have to take action. actually all that time was working hard. but there is so much more. it is too much for me. do any of you know who helps widows in this situation? is it just chore services and odd job people? i wish i could hire people who could really help me work on the practical and mundane. i do not want the paper trail of our lives in the landfill. steve saved everything too. i cry and want him back. i want what cannot be and have no vision for what can be. thankfully a friend will come for a week in september.besides that…. i am terrified of what to do..thank you all. this is all too sad and hard. there should be social services for it imho…..take care. pray for us all. i think i will get sick and die soon.i was sick in bed yesterday. i want steve that is all i want. i am a cry baby widow and i have no one in the world. i would pay one of you to come and help me for a week. you are the ones who understand. blessings.

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  • pat

    August 23rd, 2016 at 12:45 PM

    Sorry Rebecca would come and help but I live in Scotland. Always remember we are hear reading, listening and understanding your pain. It will be 13 weeks tomorrow for me. Some people say it’s still raw, others think I’m fine as back at work. Truth is I’m only at work through financial necessity, certain I will still feel the same in the next 13 weeks, see a mental health nurse weekly and now attending a psychiatrist. The fact is I am broken beyond repair. I take the pills they give me as I don’t really care anymore. So Rebecca we are not so different inside just seem different to the outside world. We are all here for each other. I also have to take one of my cats to the vet on Saturday. Not sure how bad it will be. She was David’s cat and never sits in the sitting room or lie on the bed anymore. Sure she is grieving too. Get some rest and be proud of what you have achieved so far. Existence is not easy but we can all share our desperation.

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  • pat

    August 23rd, 2016 at 10:15 AM

    Well today has been dreadful. I had psychiatrist on Thursday. Family haven’t even bothered to phone and ask how it went. House went on sale on Saturday. An emotional moment when the boards went up but family never called apart from daughter sharing it on Facebook. 1 son called in for a quick coffee Sunday morning then I just sat on my own feeling so depressed I had a few drinks, Worked yesterday. Had big meeting with the 2 doctors i feel failed in their duty of care. (I had sent a 7 page letter). The meeting had been organised for today to fit round my daughter as she had her baby 3 weeks ago, As I said hadn’t heard from her since last week. Last night I reckoned she wasn’t coming and fortunately had a good friend to call upon who came with me for support. 5 Minutes before the end of the hour long meeting my phone rang (it was my daughter). I canceled the call and we wound up the meeting. Left the building, discussed the meeting with my friend then 10 minutes later got a text from my daughter saying’ was that meeting today?’ Went to another friends for coffee and daughter phoned again. Said I was at friends and would call her later. Once home I phoned and she asked how meeting went. I told her politely ‘I’m not sure why you are asking as you were meant to be there’ her reply ‘well there is nothing to discuss’ my reply ‘no I shall discuss it with my psychiatrist when I next see him, she said ‘bye then’ and hung up. Sorry for all this detail but I am in pieces and feel utterly devastated. Until my husbands death any of the family said jump and we said how high. Even after his death I attended midwife appointments etc.. with her, ordered a gorgeous new baby flower display, stored all her baby stuff for her till she was born etc….She has been busy meeting pals, going for lunch and coffee etc…. so I am obviously very low on her list of priorities. An inconvenience. this life is just the worst. If I had the strength to end it I would. Don’t honestly know how many more setback I can take. Sorry to be so negative. Only place I can truly share. Just when you think life can’t bring you down even more it does. Don’t think I have the strength for this.Take care.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 23rd, 2016 at 10:13 PM

    a minute til midnight so this 44 weeks today anniv. is over. where is the post from teri who sounds so like me? o teri hugs. pat, what meds do they give for grief in scotland? i would want to go there if steve were alive. i don’t want to go anywhere without him. pat are you moving far? and teri…came up in my e mail but where are you ? we share the horror of the sudden ness and the loss of wonderful partners. we share so much , we on here. thank you. i wrote to steve as i do on tues but had more interruptions than i wanted. my kitty gabrielle is on synthetic morphine in a delivery system easy for her. she knows now that it makes her feel better and doesn’t mind when i give it to her. she loves me for it. i miss steve so much it hurts. i am i decided on the clean up crew of our shared life. it will take a long time. then i will drop from exhaustion and be planted by his side. sigh. an insane thing to say but it would be natural. here now the cicadas sing and we listened to them last year. i want it to be last year. or only now if i can change the story. but i can’t change the story or move time.so…..stuck in the nightmare. oh, i got a driver and will go to ethel’s ( steve’s mama’s) memorial. if it sets me back it will set me back. i will box up books to give a niece with 3 kids….who knows if a drop of good connection will come from the sad day. it’s a 2 hour drive. must come right home b cause of ill cats and the desire to be in this bed where my love slept and died. the story of our shared life i am writing will be very long. i am glad when i can write about things we did together in between the grief words. i have a lot going on in this house…not remodeling just keeping a step ahead of disasters like rotten wood under the toilet, and a stove that is dangerous. appliance death is easy. with every improvement i want steve to see it and be here…….all be well as possible…..ciao/miao

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  • Janice

    August 24th, 2016 at 7:20 PM

    Rebecca, I read Teri’s post last night as well — it’s dated August 23, 2016, but is about five or six posts down from the very top. I want to tell you that one of my cats has been bringing live cicadas into the house and dropping them at my feet — I have rescued five and they flew off — just wanted to share this because it’s something that actually made me smile and I knew you’d appreciate it. I Just talked with a psychology professor who lives down the street, whose wife died at age 64 two months ago. He said to disregard anyone who uses the words “closure” or “move on” or “getting over it” — and that grieving and sorrow and crying and all that goes with our situations have no timetable — I always felt that, but it was reassuring. We talked about how there will never be a “new you” — we are who we are because of our spouses and will remain so–they are with us, we are them, they are us–nothing changes except their physical presence is no longer here. I see him walking his dog each night and he told me that his wife’s last walk was to see the roses in my front yard…I also wonder about some of this group who no longer post : Shirley, Shirley O and Jackie, to name a few. I hope they are doing well…good night and love to you all…

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  • Annie

    August 25th, 2016 at 5:52 AM

    Janice. Thank you for the uplifting post. Today is four months since Bill passed. He was 58 and too young. You’re right at moving at your own pace. I have my bad days and better days…not good days. Its very difficult to function without him however we aren’t given much choice. Thank you for brightening my morning a little. Have a good day.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 24th, 2016 at 8:26 PM

    janice what a lovely post. it cheers me but i am despondent. woke this morn saying steve’s name again. have so much to do here. overwhelmed. how long will a cat with cancer live? how will i know when to euthanize her? i hate to do this without steve. he would sing to us and we would weep together. i am wanting him. i like that you ask about our other ” old friends”. love that the last walk ….of your neighbor’s wife…was to see your roses. i want steve here to see how the passion flowers wrap the house …hug it…but there is no passion here. what does that mean? widowhood is suffering . to me it is. i will look for my frida…she will need insulin and i need sleep. oh yes good night and love to you all. thanks so much for the lovely post. oh. via fb i am on a group called “together” for widow support and tonight we had a group phone call! and i was the oldest one. and the weepiest. so that is that. this is still my favorite group. we had crash bang thunder and lightening but it didn’t last long and i got the trash to the curb after the group call and during the part of the storm that is before the rain. i too hope they are doing well. i am not. are you ? oh i am not not not. well….again…good night and love to you all, ciao and miao. …flowers….

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  • Sandra

    August 25th, 2016 at 10:02 AM

    ..Going on 18 months…yet another low day today….Yet another moment of realization that …’ this is it Sandra, this is your lot now ‘…tears again, holding his photo close to my chest in the kitchen where it stays on the worktop….How I can I be here already….I keep getting visions of him from years ago when we were young together…God, I wish we were back there….Been to the Dentist feeling like rubbish from my sad day…I swear if he lectures me one more time about how to clean my teeth, I won’t be responsible….I had imagined he would say to me…” Hi, have you been on holiday..? to which I would reply…No I haven’t, I’m on my own now, do you really think I want to go on holiday on my own ..” It’s such a strain trying to stay polite when all you want to do is scream with grief and frustration…..The grief is bad enough, but we’re all bogged down with practical stuff as well….Fgs…I’ve waited 3 days to get my door handle fixed…Miles used to do everything, I wish he could come back, if only….sometimes I feel like I’m going to burst with anger…..had a friend up yesterday…” Why don’t you go out for meals or on holiday…” really? Why can’t you understand I don’t want a stupid meal or a holiday…all I want is what I can’t have…Miles back here with me where he belongs…..And it goes on………x

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  • Annie

    August 25th, 2016 at 11:26 AM

    And I know….it goes on & on & on. How depressing.

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  • pat

    August 25th, 2016 at 2:05 PM

    Sandra and many others here your words echo my thoughts exactly. I actually ended up phoning a depression helpline tonight just so I could sound off at some anonymous person. Still not heard from my daughter (who lives 10 minutes away) although she did message to ask for someones phone number. I haven’t replied. If she can’t even be bothered to pick up the phone…. She knows I am sitting in here night after lonely night . Maybe that sounds like wallowing but so be it. 13 weeks ago yesterday David last spoke to me and no call nothing… I messaged my son to say I couldn’t meet him as taking cat to vet. No reply. No call. Nothing. No visit scheduled from mental health nurse this week but she is due on Monday. Dread to think what state I will be in by then (Sundays are soooooo long) and it’s a Monday holiday but she daren’t say ‘but they do care’. Have organised someone to come and take my rubbish to the dump on Monday (I will pay him) as my family have seen it all sitting outside there for weeks now (my daughter said I could do it myself). Not too sure how it will go with cat at vet as I am working full-time and barely able to see to myself never mind a sick cat. Ashamed to admit have started drinking at nights now as so depressed. My friend is concerned but it seems like a good idea at the time. Cut back a bit on pills so no drastic effect. Oblivion when head hits pillow though. Dreading tomorrow at work when everyone is leaving for the long weekend and saying ‘thank goodness a long weekend off’ and I’m thinking 3 and a half days stretching out without David. This really is too hard to bear. Feel for all of you on here. We all have slightly different stories to tell but the same sentiments. As Sandra says ‘and it goes on’. Only problem is no end in sight, no light at end of this tunnel. Just despair.

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  • Sandra

    August 25th, 2016 at 5:23 PM

    ……I’ve never wished the time away so quickly before….I so need to feel better…..I cannot feel like this for the rest of my life…Pointless….! We spend years and years bringing up our children, then when it comes to the crunch, (pay back time as I call it )…They don’t want to know……Alone again…naturally…..x

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 25th, 2016 at 11:00 PM

    we are all so similar. all over the world. all wanting one thing. what we had. our lives back our loves back. and instead this despair. with no end. yes. everyone here. so articulate. so much suffering. what will happen to us all….today i posted on Facebook that everything would be all right if steve were here. his mama’s memorial is saturday and i will go. it’s 2 hours away, i have hired someone to drive me. i can’t do much on my own. need help and…..hire what i can…that is necessary…but nothing stops the suffering. i am in love with my steve gone now today 44 weeks into the ground. the granite stone will be done in a couple of months. all be as well as you can. love this group. of lost souls like me. cuidado

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  • graham

    August 26th, 2016 at 1:20 AM

    hello seems a modern trait my daughter does the same. didn’t hear from her for six weeks then just a text .I don’t think they quite grasp what its like to lose half your life and love .and I agree there is no light at the end of tunnel. for me and many other like me I go to sleep hoping I wont wake up so I wont have to go through this misery .every day .i know I shouldn’t say but what comes around goes around sorry about that feeling selfish sorry

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 26th, 2016 at 9:27 AM

    not selfish graham not to be sorry to share how you feel. just sorry for the sad terrible losses of the greatly beloveds. imho all this lovely group agrees. i read something that affirmed our grief…will try and paste/post it here another day or…ppl on here are invited to visit my fb page. moderator am i allowed to say that? to see some posts. and i have control of if i friend you. in any case…here comes the weekend. our hearts will break open. tomorrow i go to steve my beloved s mama’s memorial and try to not weep over him who fills my heart and soul but to focus on his mama. in laws will be there. the day will be a trigger and i have just decided to lighten my load for the following day. palliative care continues for our kitty gabrielle who has cancer. they said i would know when it would be time to call in the euthanizers. will i ? more triggers. wanting to save husband and cat. one gone one going. so….to memorial for mother in law after all because it is the right thing to do. to check for the right clothes soon…good wishes to all as another difficult weekend is a few hours away. good shabbes, or take that sentiment into your life how it feels right. ciao and miao and ongoing thanks to you who grieve and share and write and read..thanks, friends

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  • pat

    August 27th, 2016 at 3:20 AM

    When David was here our children just had to say ‘jump’ and we said ‘how high’. Now it’s a case of it’s almost 14 weeks mum, get on with it sort of attitude. My daughter has not contacted me since Tuesday when she never turned up for meeting regarding the doctor failing in their duty of care, apart from a text to ask someone’s address. No ‘how are you’ or anything. I e-mailed my son 5 days ago to cancel meeting today as I had to take cat to vet. No response. Cat is ok, antibiotic injection and steroid injection and should be perfectly fine. She behaved impeccably while there. I have not sold my house yet and am becoming anxious (or should I say more anxious). My friend is kind of insisting I meet her this afternoon and stay overnight as she feels I am spending too much time alone shut in the house. I have agreed to go but again feeling anxious. My bus into town is in 45 minutes. Just so wish David was here. Everything was good then and we were so happy. Now….no happiness just misery I’m sorry to say. Graham I don’t think you are selfish. I don’t want to waken in the morning either. This is unbearable. Sometimes I find myself just crying and saying ‘please let it end’.The tears are endless and pain unbearable. So grateful to everyone on here.

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  • Sandra

    August 27th, 2016 at 2:59 PM

    …Pat….4 words…’just hang in there ‘……I know we can do this….I’m not making excuses for your daughter, but she’s a new mother…remember how hard that was….I know how you are feeling ( yes, I’m having one of my good days today, sort of )….I think this for all of us is going to take a very long time….The weather has been beautiful of late, all I can think is, we should be sitting in the garden having a cuppa together, not me worrying about the mounting jobs in this house and what the future will bring or not bring….I don’t know you, but I think about you as I do about everyone else on here…..Please keep us informed of how your house sale is going, I might not be far behind you, I feel a bit stumped, not sure what to do atm…..I don’t do chaos..I can’handle it…..Bless you all fellow sufferers…..x

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  • Janice

    August 28th, 2016 at 11:07 AM

    Just re-reading everyone’s latest posts as I struggle to get through another Sunday–always a hard day for me, for some reason. Pat, your words resonated with me–I have a 32-yr. old daughter who has a one-year old. She rarely contacts me and when I text or call her, I think she is getting tired of hearing how sad and depressed I am–maybe our relationship is strained anyway–who knows–but my son regularly asks how I’m doing or how the week is going. Neither of them wants me to go into long, exhaustive detail about my feelings and sorrow (Thank God for goodtherapy.org!) so I back off and turn to my friends here. But mostly I want to hibernate and not leave the house–yet, I do get out. It’s all complicated, isn’t it? And you’re only at a few months–it doesn’t get better at all–you simply cope with it and the emptiness is always, always there. I still cry everyday–not as much, but still, every, single day…

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  • Sandra

    August 28th, 2016 at 12:44 PM

    Janice….Yes, I think my son is tired now of coming here…He’s actually said…” Every time I come here you say the same thing “…In the beginning when he was down, he didn’t mind, now he’s feeling better, he can’t stand it…I can see him getting agitated…I don’t know about anyone else, but now, the less I see of people, the less I want to see them…I get myself out few times a week, if you call shopping for food etc, getting out….nothing shared with Miles anymore, and yes Janice 18 months in and I still cry every day….It’s not as intense though…getting used to the situation, but it sucks big style….My sister asked me if I was depressed, I just told her I wasn’t, just sad……My new norm…..x

  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 27th, 2016 at 7:29 PM

    oh pat so with you. just home from mother in law’s memorial. so good to see nieces and nephews, one pregnant one adopting, and little great niece and nephew….but they are steve’s family…so strange to be with them without him. a 2 hr ride each way. i hired someone to drive me. can’t drive teary and arthritic. photo albums out …pictures of steve…home to cluttered house full of objects, papers. and empty of my love…all too overwhelming. oh pat the tears are endless and pain unbearable. can’t go on like this…i think i will wear my self out. ppl comment how i have lost weight. yes. and my dear gabrielle a kitty with cancer…o…she has tumors in her eating her alive…it is all too much…thanks all here….

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  • pat

    August 28th, 2016 at 1:07 PM

    Sandra I know my daughter is a new mum but she only lives 15 mins away. How long does it take just to send a message or even make a quick phone call. She phoned the the day of our important doctors meeting regarding David’s care and brightly asked ‘well how did your meeting go?’ I replied that she was meant to be there with me (as we had arranged and mentioned over the last few weeks) as then she wouldn’t have to be asking. Her reply was ‘oh well there’s nothing more to discuss bye’ and hung up. I am trying to be understanding regarding new baby etc… but honestly believe I am a burden/inconvenience she doesn’t want to be bothered with. My friend actually messaged her to say I wasn’t in a good place and could do with some support but her reply was she has a new baby and too much going on. I haven’t heard from her. Still no sale on house which is also making me very anxious. Like you Janice I have had to back off apart from with good friends as people don’t want to hear how I am truly feeling. One son phones or calls in for a coffee 2 or 3 times a week. My other son has actually e-mailed me today to ask how I am so that was something. Rebecca so glad you went to your mother-in-laws memorial and you should feel proud of yourself you did the right thing. So sorry for your gabrielle.I do hope she is not in pain but this will be yet another loss for you to bear. I did go and meet my friend yesterday and we went to David’s memorial bench. There were 2 young woman sitting there chatting and having their lunch in the sun. My friend asked if we could join them on the bench and then proceeded to tell them about David. They thanked us and said it was such a lovely spot by the river and the weeping willow trees and they would be back.I thought that was so nice and a little bit of a comfort. I came home as cats needing fed, bins to put out, medication to take and at some point tomorrow morning someone is coming to cut the grass and take the rubbish to the dump. Family have been saying for weeks they would do it so now I am paying someone. This house and garden is too much for me now and my heart isn’t in it without David. I keep hoping that tomorrow will be the day someone will buy this place but nothing happening and I so desperately need it to happen. I have also had a couple of good friends message me today which was nice but feel so hurt by family. my friend said she can’t believe how badly they have treated me and how annoyed and hurt David would have been. It just adds insult to injury. We are all suffering so badly but it is good to share our stories with each other. For me it makes me feel I m not alone or crazy. Tears are never far away and just want David back. Can’t accept I will never hear , speak or hug him again. He was my life. Keep sharing as we do help each other in some strange way.Hugs to you all and thanks..

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  • Annie

    August 28th, 2016 at 3:28 PM

    I understand. Very down tonight. Missing Bill terribly. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone or sad. Losing a mate is definetly the worst. The thought of never talking to him or hugging him in this lifetime tears me apart. It’s amazing how moments can change your whole outlook. I was ok this morning when I went to church alone then visited with my son. But tonight hit me like a ton of bricks. I just keep trusting in God for support to get me through the bad times. Thank God we all have each other as well.

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  • Sandra

    August 28th, 2016 at 5:19 PM

    ..Pat….Big hugs to you……Let’s call a spade a spade…Bottom line is we are on our own…We have to deal with it, and we will, not today, not tomorrow, not next week, maybe even not next year, but through time , we will……It’s a positive sign we are still here…..It hurts, boy does it hurt, but we have to do it…..Kids are so selfish……But when think back to my own father dying when I was 19, I still thought about myself ( I’m ashamed to say )…it’s inbuilt…..Selfishness….My son was even told off by a nurse ( he’s adult as well) at Miles deathbed….Told my son he should be supporting me….It falls on deaf ears I’m afraid…this is why we need to handle it, we’ve only got ourselves…We can do it……don’t you forget that..You are stronger than you think…..Don’t rely on anyone they will only let you down…..You are all you need….x

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  • pat

    August 29th, 2016 at 1:37 AM

    Yes Sandra I do believe we only have ourselves to rely on (apart from a couple of good friends who have been there for me), I looked back my journal to 1988 when my father died suddenly in the house. I was the first one at mums when the neighbour phoned and despite having 3 young children went to visit at least twice a week and sat and chatted to mum till 2 or 3 in the morning drinking endless cups of coffee and talking mainly about dad. My siblings said I should stop mollycoddling her and she had to learn to stand on her own two feet. Obviously I ignored them as I felt mum’s pain after 42 years together. Mum died in 2003 and I visited constantly over the years, brought her to my home, took her on days out etc..I never expected quite so much from my own children but didn’t think they would let me down as badly as they have.It’s like a double blow. Feeling extreme sadness today.

  • Janice

    August 28th, 2016 at 5:54 PM

    Another thought before bedtime : I have always believed that there is “something” beyond death and we will reunite with our loved ones, but despite a traditional background, I do wonder and question how it all works. But that being said, I want our life back, what we had — here and now — I loved our life together, with all its flaws, bumps and bruises. There is no question in my heart and mind that we loved each other deeply and were simply meant to be together. As we grew older, we were so attuned to each other, it’s uncanny–out of the blue, Werner or I would say we had been thinking about something-and the other would respond with disbelief, having had the same thought (and often of people or places long forgotten). This reality of aloneness is incredibly difficult and physically draining. Interesting how I have read many blog sites for grieving spouses, but this is the only one I feel comfortable writing on–and I’m grateful for everyone’s responses. The reality of never being with them here, in this world, is often more than I can bear…

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  • Lea

    August 28th, 2016 at 8:39 PM

    Forever broken that’s how I feel. May 2 2016 my world was forever changed. Cancer/chemotherapy robed my husband and I of his precious life.I miss him every second of every day. Life is hard with out him. I feel like no one understands. My birthday just passed and no one understood why I didn’t want to celebrate it. It’s just depressing I’m 37 and a widow. I miss my husband. Depression is my daily feeling no energy no motivation.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 28th, 2016 at 8:50 PM

    good to see you all on here. janice your post speaks to me loudly. same same same. a wonderful mature love a lifetime and the golden years stolen. no steve is more than i can bear. i figure i have lots of work to do and will work on it then collapse and die naturally i can’t live without him. but i have to get things in order. our shared life was a dream. this is mundane at best, nightmare at worst. yearn for steve. good dreams to all. cuidado

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  • Cindy

    August 29th, 2016 at 6:52 PM

    Dear Lea, my heart aches for you. Your husband was taken way too soon. My husband died of cancer as well….it is eight months today and I am still heartbroken. My husband was the best thing that ever happened to me. Even after 43 years of marriage he always made me feel like the prettiest girl in the room. We couldn’t have children…so he was worried right up to the day he died about how I would be alone. I have never known a more courageous and loving human being. There isn’t a minute of the day that I don’t think about him. and miss him. So I totally understand what you are feeling. I told my husband I wanted to go with him when he died….but he insisted I continue to live for both of us. He said if I kept him in my heart, and went to places we wanted to see together, he would live on through me. I have tried to live up to that standard knowing he wants me to be happy. We talked about life after death and whether it truly existed. I am thrilled to say I am totally convinced there is something beyond this life. Too many strange things have happened since he crossed over. it inspired me to try two mediums to see if I could find some kind of contact with my husband…and I indeed did. It was beyond belief…they each told me things NO ONE could possibly know. That has helped me cope tremendously. In spite of not being religious prior to Paul’s death, I am a work in progress in terms of spiritual development. It is truly what keeps me going. Some days I feel like my husband is literally with me and it is more comforting than you can imagine. Please try to keep an open mind….at night, try to relax, A state of calmness will make you more open to receiving messages your husband may be sending to you. I know it sounds crazy…And I am totally a science-based person, very cynical about things that can’t be explained. Two years ago , before my husband got sick, I would have laughed at anyone who told me what I am saying today. I asked the mediums why doesn’t everyone feel connected to their loved ones who have crossed over….they tell me that sometimes we are soooo absorbed with grief, we can’t focus on anything else. That is the last thing our husbands would want. Please keep an open mind and heart…it’s amazing what exists beyond our world and understanding. As much as I grieve for my husband, I celebrate what an amazing man he was every day….kind, funny, smart, handsome and loving. He deserves that. Keep on keeping on….I think of my life now as someone who’s survived a huge traumatic accident. I know I can recover, but will never be quite who I was before. It’s like walking with a limp after a broken leg. God bless you and help .you find peace. we will see our husbands again….of that I have no doubt.

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  • Cindy

    August 29th, 2016 at 7:25 PM

    In looking at everyone’s posts about family and their lack of empathy…I see the same thing with my husband’s family. I talked about it to someone, particularly regarding my niece and nephew who never called my husband ONCE in the ten months he fought stage IV cancer. They described it as “young souls who lack the maturity to think about anything beyond themselves”…how sad. I do believe that people find us difficult to be around because mortality scares them and they truly don’t know what to say. I felt like a number of friends avoided us even before Paul died because they were uncomfortable with cancer. How ironic…when you need love and support the most, the very people you think will be there AREN’T. But I am blessed with a lot of wonderful friends who have become my NEW family and are always up for spending time with me. Obviously, I don’t cry in front of anyone…..I think grief is a people repellant.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    August 29th, 2016 at 9:18 PM

    lea. it is grief. do not let ppl tell you you are depressed. grief is normal. so many ppl do not understand. grievers here do. we all lost beloveds and had wonderful partners. some ppl don’t have that. we were blessed but now we suffer. i am in love with steve and my heart aches. 45 weeks 10 18 tuesday morning. my soul mate. there is no recovery for me. i have no friends or family just cats and one has cancer. oh i have a few friends but…no comparison to my best friend beloved soul mate husband with whom i spent as much time as i could for 35 & 1/2 years and what is worse is the screaming horror in my head knowing i failed to save his life , neither of us thought his “indigestion” was a heart attack…i live with the what if’s and should haves woven into my sorrow. he should be alive with me now. he did not have horrible incurable cancer. it makes it ….hideous. my kitty has cancer now. our gabrielle. is on kitty synthetic morphine. i do not want to go on for long…this existing is not living…but i have work to do then……

    and yes. it’s silly but true and should not be. grief is a people repellant but….people should learn.

    all be well as you can

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  • Janice

    August 31st, 2016 at 6:49 PM

    Everywhere I see couples–never noticed them before–walking by my house hand-in-hand each evening ; at the restaurants–it’s a world of couples and I’m feeling desperately lonely. Doesn’t matter if I spend an hour or two with friends ; the quietness of our home, the aloneness, the stillness–I honestly do not know if I can bear it. I am living in the memory zone of July 15, 2015 to October, 2015–everything evokes a vivid recollection of the last 3 1/2 months of Werner’s life last year and the five sudden cardiac arrests he suffered. And he kept living, each revival a tremendous victory, but as I look back at photos, I did not see then how frail he had become–he also kept so many of his thoughts from me–so even in those last moments, I did not see or grasp that he would die. We are altered forever, no matter what measures we take to keep going to live each day. We can never be who we were–the empty and hollow feeling of being without them is enormous. To Cindy–I really appreciated your posts–and relate to much of what you wrote. I just know this is the most difficult thing that I have ever experienced and do not see any change for a very long time…

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  • Annie

    August 31st, 2016 at 10:00 PM

    Yes Janice. I understand. Everywhere I go its couples. I miss so much just sharing everything with Bill. He was and always will be my whole life. It will be five months on the 25th and it seems like an eternity. The flu robbed me of sharing the rest of my life with my love. I pray for you and wish you peace. We were so blessed to have such special men in our lives.

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  • Sandra

    September 1st, 2016 at 6:03 AM

    ….Janice, I feel exactly the same, I cannot stand looking at couples together…I always look away….I don’t like feeling resentment towards people I don’t even know, but I cannot help it…I suppose it’s basically jealousy….I was with my husband for 48yrs, married for 44yrs….When we were living our life together in the early days, now seemed millions of miles away….Now it’s here, I hate it, it feels so foreign to me to be on my own….I always hoped I would go first, I didn’t want to have to deal with the grief….I just feel so terribly sad we have been robbed of our retirement together after working all of our lives….I think about him constantly, from waking until bedtime…..This is it, there’s no going back…..Yes, grief is a people repellent, never a truer word spoken…..And on, and on……x

    Reply

  • Cindy

    September 1st, 2016 at 9:39 AM

    This is probably the last time I will ever come to this website or post a comment. I totally understand where you are all coming from. I took my husband off life support to die of cancer in the ICU last Dec. 29th, 2015. So I get it. But my God,
    Our husbands loved us…..they don’t want to see us this miserable. Perhaps this is bizarre, but four
    months after my husband died, I jumped on a plane to Singapore to visit friends.
    When I got back, I went to Las Vegas for 5 nights. Then I booked a condo at the
    beach in Maryland for a week this month. Also booked a trip to Italy for April.
    Life will never be the same, but I plan to live the rest of my days like my hair is on fire. It is what my husband wanted and what we discussed at great length before he died. The more I stay busy, and try to find some happiness around me, the sooner I can leave this world and reconnect with Paul in the afterlife. Don’t expect anyone else around you or your family, kids, whatever, to get you through this. It’s not their job and we are depressing as hell to be around. Celebrate the life of the husband you lost. I look every single day at picture boards I made for my husband’s funeral. It helps me remember in great detail all the wonderful things we shared over 43 years of marriage. There is no easy way out of grief….you have to work on it by yourself for yourself. Sorry, but it is what it is.

  • Annie

    September 1st, 2016 at 10:35 AM

    I feel like my happy days are past. I try very hard to be more positive but I guess it is still too raw…five months the 25th of this month suddenly from the flu. I am forever changed.

  • mary k

    September 1st, 2016 at 9:07 AM

    I highly recommend 2 books you can order from Amazon. My husband passed 3 months today June 1, 2016. The author is Echo Bodine. She is a renowned spiritual healer, psychic and teacher and the book is called, What Happens When We Die. It’s a psychic’s exploration of death, heaven and the soul’s journey after death. And the other book is Echoes of the Soul. It’s about the soul’s journey beyond the light, through life, death and life after death. These two books pulled me from a deep abyss of sadness that seem to be beyond anything I’ve ever experienced and do not want to experience again. Try reading these books (paper back) it gives you understanding and gave me solace.

    Reply

  • Christine

    September 1st, 2016 at 2:12 PM

    Mary K,
    Just read “To Heaven and Back” by Mary C. Neal , and “We’ll Meet Again” by Colm Keane which were both very uplifting. Mary C. Neal wrote about her own near death experience and how God has worked in her life in times of need. Colm Keane’s book has a collection of Irish Deathbed experiences that show that we don’t die alone but are welcomed by those that have gone before us.

    Reply

  • mary

    September 1st, 2016 at 5:44 PM

    Cindy: Everybody has their own way of grieving. We are all about rushing and getting things accomplished as quickly as possible. However, grief is the opposite. Moving through the grief and healing process takes time. There is no specific start and end date. You must allow yourself time to process and work through your feelings. Other people around you may not understand the pace at which you are moving, but remember this is your loss. Your life has been altered in every way, and you have the right to take things one step at a time. So, don’t be afraid to tell the person who doesn’t understand why you aren’t feeling better after five months, that you are still coping with your loss, and that all you need is their ongoing support and respect. Even though they may not understand, it is vital to give yourself the time and space to move through it in a way that feels right to you. Order at least one of those books I recommended. It will give you an understanding of what the soul goes through after death. It’s encouraging and comforting.

    Reply

  • Janice

    September 1st, 2016 at 3:12 PM

    Cindy, you probably won’t see this since you’ve chosen not to post again, which is too bad. I find that this particular website is the one place we can share our absolute and genuine feelings and hold nothing back. What spousal loss entails is obviously different for every individual and I don’t think our posts necessarily reflect how we are living our lives. None of us are just sitting in our homes doing nothing–most people are still working–I am not, but after 48 years of an active and incredible life with my husband, no trips or adventures will ever fill the enormous vacuum that exists in my heart and soul. I have recently been to Yosemite, Yellowstone and trips in between to visit our children in Atlanta–I go out with friends twice a week, go to church and have a big garden, wonderful neighbors and many projects. But none of it brings me happiness as I once perceived it–it’s nice, but I find no particular joy in any of it. You are right that we are fully responsible for our own happiness, but the problem is what defines happiness. At this early stage of grieving, it’s all I can do to pursue meaningful activity yet I do force myself to make contact with people each and every day. I am finding that living alone for the first time in my life has been a huge adjustment, but it’s slowly getting easier…I agree that mindful awareness of the life we had together and honoring our memories are a worthy goal in helping us adjust–it’s just very difficult and takes tremendous energy and focus, which varies from person to person. What works for one may not work for another…peace and blessings to you…

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    September 3rd, 2016 at 9:53 AM

    hi all. one cat is dying. i am alone in the world. i think i am physically ill. i will try and live a year to get things in order. i believe i cannot go on long without my beloved steve. thank you all for being a lifeline.
    blessing, good wishes….miao ( can NOT do this solo life. nope….body and soul say no) . you all take care!

    Reply

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    September 3rd, 2016 at 11:30 AM

    Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for your comment, Rebecca. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Sandra

    September 3rd, 2016 at 1:39 PM

    ..Rebecca…I’m so sorry about your cat..Please, please, please don’t give in….I know you are heartbroken, although I can never know how you truly feel…I really wish there was something I could say to make a difference….Just give it time…time doesn’t heal wounds, but it makes the pain easier to bear….I’m a bit worried about Pat as well, she hasn’t posted for a while….I don’t want to patronize you and tell you everything will be fine, but please hang on in….xxx

    Reply

  • Francisca

    September 3rd, 2016 at 11:36 PM

    Rebecca … I know it’s hard. I know … But it does really break my heart to hear what you said. I do feel that myself but it’s saddened me to hear from anyone in here. Hang in there … My friend keep saying all the nicest thing to me but none of that make sense. You just have to hang in there ok .. We all are –

    Reply

  • pat

    September 4th, 2016 at 1:35 AM

    Hi Sandra I am still here but been so low haven’t been able to post although I read everyone’s comments. Rebecca my heart goes out to you. Can’t remember the persons name who posted and has been traveling which is all good and well if you have the finances and health. At the moment I can’t even bear the thought of going anywhere without David. He was my life. I still have not seen my daughter. She eventually texted me on Friday but probably because my son had been out on Thursday and I wasn’t good at all. People say well your daughter has a new baby, it’s just her way, my other son is working and has a busy life etc…They don’t care is the reality and they certainly don’t want a miserable sad woman in their company. I have good friends who keep in touch regularly but at the end of the day if I wasn’t here nobody would truly miss me.There hasn’t been any interest in my house either only one viewing. Now my car is playing up. There have been redundancies at work and although I am not one of them it means more work for those still there. Sometimes it just feels too much. Went into town with a friend yesterday but I was miserable. She said you don’t like shopping do you and I said no. Never have. She said she could sense it of me. Truth is nothing interests me anymore. Absolutely nothing. Feel worse and worse as the days go by. New pills totally knock me out at night. I am on quite a cocktail of pills for the first time in my life. But I don’t care. Thinking this morning I haven’t seen my daughter since 16th August, one son since about a week before that so how can the professionals actually say with a serious face that they would miss me. Our lives revolved round each other and our families but now it’s all gone. I get told to make more effort and go visit or phone them. Maybe I am being stubborn or wallowing in self pity but I just don’t have the energy. At the moment I am working up the energy to shower. This existence is so so awful. Crying even more now than I did before . Weight still low and down a bit. Had an extremely bad headache yesterday and actually hoped it was an aneurysm and I would just drop. I must sort out all David’s art as I know if I wasn’t here it would be binned and he was such a wonderful photographer and artist I would hate to see that happen. Missing him more and more each day. My friend I was with yesterday is divorced but her 26 year old son stays with her . He is away on a 3 week holiday and she says it’s awful she is missing him so much (they skype and message every day) and I felt like screaming at least he’s coming back. Feel like I can’t breathe and don’t really want company any more. Sorry this post is a bit of a ramble and so negative. My thoughts are with you all. This forum is so important I feel for sharing our true feelings which no-one else wants to hear. From the bottom of my heart I thank you all.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    September 4th, 2016 at 12:59 PM

    …Hi Pat….So glad you’ve posted, I’ve been thinking about you…Don’t ever think you are wallowing or negative…I don’t think anyone on here thinks that of you….I too am preferring to be on my own more and more….I see my son about once a week to 10 days now….He came quite a lot at first, but I think it was for his own benefit which I understand because he is an only one, he’s never suffered a close loss…..He has surprised me actually, he visits the cemetery every couple of months still, I didn’t think he would do that….I’m a bit low myself today….just keep thinking, some retirement…on my own when we should be spending quality time together….Just get it off your chest Pat, keep posting whenever you feel the need…I know we’re all individuals, we all grieve differently, but the way some people seem to grieve makes you wonder how deep their devotion was in the first place…..Can’t understand the things they do when they’ve supposedly had their hearts ripped out….Enough said…..I’m thinking about you, all of you who are grief stricken beyond endurance…..Keep venting…..x

    Reply

  • mary k.

    September 4th, 2016 at 9:27 PM

    Pat: This usually happens when a family member dies, I’ll just be blunt, the families drifts apart into their own world, they fall along the the wayside. You might hear from them every once in a while or not. I’ve learned through the years there is one person who was the focal point in the family. When that person passes the families just drift apart, both sides of the family does this. My husband passed June 1, 2016, his family flew in, attended the service and then just left. Haven’t heard from them since. I’ve noticed this through the years, family are together, holidays and happy, then that central person dies. All the good time’s are gone and your pretty much left alone. Your kids you thought you could depend on “they have there own lives and just don’t have the time or patience to be around us”. I have three son that live next door, I seldom see them and if I do it’s only for a minute two. My generation and my parents generation took care of their families, the elderly parents usually lived with their children, it was just a given. I don’t know what is wrong with this generation (young adults). That makes you feel even worse, it’s like being abandond by your family and friends and we are left to fend for ourselves. Where is the love and caring???

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  • pat

    September 7th, 2016 at 11:06 AM

    Hi Mary K it’s made all the worse by the fact my daughter had her first baby on 30/7.I haven’t spoken to her for 2 weeks when she didn’t even turn up at doctors for important meeting regarding the non-duty of care I was challenging them with. She knew I was expecting her to be there but just phoned after it was over.That was the last time she phoned me and it was the Tuesday before that she last came out with the baby. I know for a fact she has been visiting her friends and his parents but I am a sad inconvenience. David would have been disgusted as he was so looking forward to the birth. One son says it’s too hard to come to the house (how does he think I cope with using the bathroom he died in 15 weeks ago today. I have arranged to meet him and my granddaughters in town for lunch if I am feeling up to it, My other son has visited fairly regular – maybe twice a week but visits getting shorter and shorter. I took a terrible dizzy panic turn yesterday. It was 40 minutes till my next bus so I asked him to pick me up. He wasn’t over the moon about doing it but I felt so ill. He dropped me at the house but didn’t have time to come in.I did have a viewer for my house last night so fingers crossed then I won’t have to rely on anyone.I have definitely had more support from friends and people on here than my family. David would have been so so angry. Yes Janice they don’t want to listen and you can hear them thinking ‘pull yourself together’ . It is a big step meeting my son for lunch in town and I have canceled already a couple of weeks back so will really try and make the effort. Stressing about it already and it’s only Wednesday. Rebecca you were so brave to watch a video – I can hardly bare to look at photos. Maybe in time I will be able to look at them and remember happy times but at the moment just makes what I have lost even worse. Can’t believe I have lost my best friend and soul mate, my children and grandchildren all in the space of 15 weeks. My mental health nurse says they would miss me if I died. How can they miss me if I am not part of their lives. I don;t even ask them for help anymore. Sandra I have gone from a healthy 10 stone to just over 7 and a half stone. My friend actually said to me yesterday that my weight loss is ‘self inflicted’. She just doesn’t understand. I can’t even think about eating when I come in for the knots in my stomach, exhaustion and tears. I met a friend for coffee yesterday and it was so nice to sit and chat to someone who understood. Her husband died suddenly 7 years ago, her granddaughter in a car crash 3 years ago and her best friend to cancer a month ago. Her daughter calls in on her almost every day. We sat and commiserated with each other for 4 hours. At least she gets it. It was refreshing actually talking to someone who feels the pain. Sandra every night I go to bed I hope I don’t waken although I do need to sort David’s art first as now convinced the family would put it in the skip. Like you all I don’t know or recognise myself anymore. Bitter, jealous , sad and miserable. My doctor said yesterday he isn’t going to give up in me but I reckon I gave up on me 15 weeks ago when my world fell apart. Everything seems pointless – even showering or washing my hair or eating. It’s all so awful but thanks to all of you for being here.Look forward to your comments when they pop up in my in box which I know must sound terrible but at least then I don’t feel so alone.Ramble over for another day. x

  • Janice

    September 4th, 2016 at 11:29 AM

    Hi, all–on a rainy and gloomy Sunday–always glad to get news from the regulars on this site. Rebecca, we have all felt the terrible loneliness and sorrow–yes, there have been days I have done absolutely nothing to engage in life and wished to depart–there will never be a “new normal” or any so-called “moving on” — I hate those terms — we lost everything when our spouses died and it’s all we can do to get through a day. And we relive our loss over and over…
    I’m happy you wrote again, Pat–I’m now starting month 11 and am living with flashbacks and dread about the next few weeks, as the year date approaches. I’ve taken some trips, but all in conjunction with family members–no one can replace my husband and no matter what I do, it is always followed by a hollow emptiness. I have turned into a very sad and cheerless person and it’s extremely difficult for me to socialize, but I still push myself out the door, even if it’s just to get groceries, one of my all-time least favorite activities, since Werner was both the food gatherer and chef–I preferred doing outside work–and neither of us minded. I am slowly easing into adjustment of living alone, even though I hate it–but am still working on some guilt from Werner’s last morning and his cardiac arrest–blaming myself for not moving quickly enough, and several other factors, allowing myself to believe that I could have saved him. He revived when the paramedics arrived, but I haven’t ever written that after they came, I stepped into the bathroom and changed quickly from pajamas into my clothes, (wasting about one minute)–thinking they would get him ready for transport and oxygen–when I SHOULD have been by his side, but NOT knowing he was going to die. This was his 6th cardiac arrest and he always revived–I have been tormenting myself over that for ten months now and it is the source of most of my deep grieving and crying–the look on his face when I re-entered the bedroom was one of fear and astonishment and knowledge that this was it–and yes, I console myself with the fact that I could take his hand and tell him I loved him–but I should have never left him to get dressed, even though I ASSUMED we’d be leaving for the hospital. I cannot move past this and there are days it just eats my insides and I struggle again to function. I have talked it out with a few people, but until I am convinced that he was going to die anyway, I cannot stand living. Even my sister-in-law reminds me of how Werner had weakened–but when you are told, before a cardiac surgery, that this will HELP, you are naturally positive and optimistic. Which is what we both always were. Always. So, thanks for letting me ramble. I cannot even discuss this with my family and friends anymore–they don’t want to listen. Thank you and be as well as you can be under the circumstances…

    Reply

  • pat

    September 5th, 2016 at 12:19 PM

    Hi Janice and everyone here.Your existence sounds just like mine. It will be 15 weeks on Wednesday and already family and friends don’t want to listen. Even my best friend who has been a great support to me has given me the ‘pull yourself together ‘ message.It is so hard putting a brave face on at work and when I come home I just breakdown and cry at the emptiness and pointless life I am struggling with. Family don’t even phone although 10 minutes away. They don’t want this sad woman in their life. I still have all my husbands art to sort out and photographic equipment and whatever is in the attic. These may be my final tasks who knows. I am struggling every second of every day and am exhausted. Not happy ever. No joy or pleasure. I just miss him too much. My heart is truly broken and I am finding with each day it worsens. My friend says I have to fight my way through it but it is overwhelming. Pain and misery like never before. Her sister is battling cancer and has been a widow for 20 years and is in a lot of physical pain but staying positive. As I said to my friend ‘good for her ‘ and I meant it but we are not all the same. Her family are rallying round her every step of the way and she has a son who lives with her. My family have rejected me and very rarely get in touch, I have seen a psychiatrist and they didn’t even call to ask how I got on yet I am a bad mother/granny for not phoning and asking how they are (although I do message). I am a mess and feel it is better I don’t socialise at the moment as people just get annoyed with me. Better to be alone with my grief and this forum which is a lifeline. Have an appointment with my GP tomorrow and dread him weighing me.I haven’t seen him for 3 or 4 weeks and haven’t put on any weight. Beginning to think all these consultations are a waste of time but I need the pills to function at work and to sleep. What is to become of us all I wonder?

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  • Rebecca

    September 5th, 2016 at 7:23 PM

    oh janice so similar to my situation. reliving what could be different. the daydream in which i save steve’s life. the nightmare of now. i will read the others another time. this is my meet-steve-on-a- blank – page day…one of ’em. mondays and tuesdays. his last day alive and the day he died. 46 weeks ago tomorrow.
    i wrote about a thousand words and then settled in to watch a video of our wedding so as to see him alive…and miss him more. all i want is what we had…i am slogging though mundane activities….missing steve and our shared life terribly…vaguely thinking how long can this existence go on …it is not living….living is what steve and i did together..miss him and love him so…..no idea what will happen but for now i am getting necessary repairs done and sorting papers and writing……best to all….esp those who live in a night mare too….

    Reply

  • Sandra

    September 5th, 2016 at 1:29 PM

    ….Pat, I lost just half a stone when Miles died 18 months ago…You’ll put it back on everyone said, I haven’t…I have done my best to look after myself, because I’m on my own, I need to stay healthy….Even shopping for food is a pain, it’s hard work shopping for one, everything is to much….I’ve given up buying the smallest joint of meat I can find, simply because I get sick of eating it….Then washing the dishes, 1 plate, a knife and a fork….It’s all so sad…And yes, the first thought I have on wakening is…this is pointless, I wish I was dead… When I watched him die on Intensive care…..It was like all we’d lived through had never happened…It was so strange….Yes, everyone is full of good intentions, it’s basically all hot air…I have 2 cousins ( sisters ) who I am quite close to…When Miles died it was, I’m here for you, if there’s anything you need, just call me any time….neither one of them came to the funeral with no explanation after…..I’ve been looking at photos today of us when were 15 and 17….It cheered me up ever so slightly…I was transported back….I get times when I feel angry with him ( even though he can’t help It )…But I know this is normal…there’s that word again…’ normal ‘…..I don’t feel normal anymore…..It’s not normal to feel anger towards two aged strangers holding hands….Like I said, sad…..Waffle over…..x

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  • Sandra

    September 7th, 2016 at 4:46 PM

    …Pat..The bottom line is …no-one understands. Even us on here don’t truly know how you feel, but we have a good idea….Yes… everything seems so pointless…why bother is what I say to myself. I cannot believe your daughter’s attitude…Heartless comes to mind….My son came today, he was in a strange mood, very quiet, asking to see videos of his father….We made lots of little vids with the grandchildren when we babysat them up to school age….He watched a couple of them, so he’s maybe not as over it as I thought…..His father was the only male influence in his life, so not to sure how he feels…..Yes, your husband would be livid if he could see the attitude of his children towards you…or….is it that they can’ t cope either with him gone…..and it goes on……Hope your house sale is a speedy one…..x

    Reply

  • Rebecca

    September 8th, 2016 at 8:24 PM

    the first anniversary is a few weeks out and already i am terrified of it. who said the first year is mostly shock and the 2nd year is worse? it seems like it’s worse. already. the pain the tears the ….weeks and weeks of wanting nothing but it not to be true. the nightmare we are stuck in…that is what it is. life with my beloved was a beautiful dream. i want the dream back. i can’t stay here in this nightmare….you know?

    Reply

  • Janice

    September 8th, 2016 at 9:38 PM

    I’m dreading it too, Rebecca, and am already wondering where I should be on that day–I also feel that the protective numbness lasts a few months, and definitely wears off–I am exactly where you are and feel more anguish and grief than earlier on…I just plod through the days and want to have my husband here and have our iife back. The house is a museum of memories and I’m not sure how to cope with it–also, it’s been ten months and I haven’t even removed Werner’s clothes or anything–but I also don’t feel concerned about it. I think about you all and as you have all said, no one knows until they’ve experienced this…peace to all…I am just feeling terribly sad and despondent most of the time but am somehow managing some semblance of an existence–that’s all it is–existence…

    Reply

  • Sandra

    September 9th, 2016 at 8:27 AM

    I’m sorry people I’m at 18 months, and it’s not a lot better, I still cry out of the blue for no particular reason ( apart from the obvious)….I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going…I just plod, day in and day out….When it slips from my mind momentarily, it’s heaven until it all comes back….Then my heart sinks again….It’s all just like some kind of endurance test….I was rummaging through a drawer yesterday and I came across a photo of us both smiling…I just burst into tears…I keep thinking, when is this going to end….it’s hard work trying to stay cheerful when talking to people, half the time I just feel like saying…’ Will you just leave me alone ‘……His glasses are still in the same place he left them 18 months ago…I just lift them up to dust underneath…And it goes on…..x

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    September 9th, 2016 at 9:00 AM

    oh janice (& others) with you in despondency. i do not see how i can go on for long with this much sadness. i’m not worried about the clothes. i still wish he would come home and wear them. but i do feel a need to get papers in order. it’s such slow tedious work. managed to get most bathroom repairs hired done. every improvement is bittersweet. wish steve were here to see it. it hurts so much..in my heart …the pain of the loss… barely existing…feel i am going down hill …think of you often….still so stuck on that we could have should have saved steve…this is so hard to live with…this is part of the horror of the loss…i am not finding much help from counsellors and think to give up on that too….the suffering seems worse….g d help us all……

    Reply

  • Annie

    September 9th, 2016 at 10:24 AM

    I read all the comments and grieve with each of you. Bad day today. Missing Bill so much and it seems like today everything is a reminder. It will be 5 months on the 25th and it seems like an eternity. It just hits me so hard sometimes that he’ll not be back here. I know I’ll be with him again but for now it is so lonesome. I pray for all of you for comfort and hope their is some light in our days.

    Reply

  • pat

    September 9th, 2016 at 9:51 AM

    Janice, Sandra ,Rebecca I read your comments and it’s like I wrote them Totally lost and broken. Got text from my daughter today. Obviously picking up the phone is too much effort for her. Mental health nurse just away. Not sure if these consultations are making any difference. She just suggests ways of getting the family together but all coming from me. I don’t feel strong enough. Been having terrible palpitations this week. Work is the busiest ever which is a bit of a lifeline to me although I have moments I have to walk away. House still up for sale. Had one offer but far too low. Does anyone else feel as if they are going to burst into tears but instead they just can’t breathe . It’s the strangest feeling. My car is now in the garage. David always dealt with the car so I haven’t felt comfortable doing this. David’s razor and toothbrush are where he left them 15 weeks ago. Other bits and pieces have been put in cupboards for viewings. His jacket and cap still in the hall cupboard. All these things will come with me. I said to my nurse today ‘I don’t want company I just want David’. Also like so many on here each day see,s worse. It certainly isn’t getting easier. It will be his birthday next Friday and our anniversary on Saturday. If the family all decide to pitch up it would just make a mockery of the occasion. Think I will go somewhere and not let them know then there will be no confrontation. Not strong enough for that. Can’t believe I have become so bitter, angry , sad and disillusioned in 15 weeks. As I have said what is to become of us all. As I type I visualise all you guys sitting alone in your houses feeling sad and plodding along alone like me. Didn’t know their were emotions like this …………..

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  • Carole

    September 11th, 2016 at 1:24 PM

    I went camping over the weekend with a friend and her grandson. First time camping without my husband, first time sleeping in a tent without him. We camped a lot over the tears, he and I. He was an outdoorsman..hunter, fisherman. Everywhere I looked I thought of him, thinking he should be there with me. I walked down the trial a few times on my own and just cried. I don’t share my feelings with my friend, it will be a year Oct. and I don;t think she could possibly understand the emptiness. She has been married and divorced 6 times and I don’t think she has really loved any of them, she just throws away relationships so quickly…how could she understand my having been with my husband for so long and the deep loss it brings When I left her house and drove home I cried all the way home. I just keep thinking how many years am I going to have to live without him….I’m 58…to think I might live to be 68, 78,….10-20 years before I see him again. Oh God what despair that brings me. I know I will see him again but the years until then….I can’t fathom the life. We were together 42 years, we were one. Now I am half, and I want none ever but him.

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  • Sandra

    September 12th, 2016 at 2:08 AM

    ….Hi Carole…Yes, no-one understands the deep emptiness we are feeling….I’m at 18 months now, it’s a very very slow process trying to come to terms….I think the same, I could live for years and years like this, I don’t think I can stomach it, I don’t want to….I was married for 44yrs and together 48 yrs….It’s so strange, I feel like I’ve had my right arm cut off….Thoughts from the past come back like a bolt out of the blue and take your mind over….I’m starting to get tiny bits of comfort from photos of him, I refused to look at any for about the first year….None of us will ever feel the same again for sure, we just spend our time longing for our old life back…Yes, it sounds to me like your friend has no depth to her, 6 marriages is unbelievable…I can’t even think about being with anyone else, I don’t think that will change….I get comfort from comments on here…They make me feel like I’m not totally alone at least……x

    Reply

  • Connie

    September 12th, 2016 at 4:54 AM

    I had a really rough day yesterday. Not sure why, just everything I did reminded me he is gone. I know it’s going to take time. I’m not even 3 months without him. But I’m just not sure how much more I can stand. I have my granddaughter, 15, that we adopted so at least I’m not totally alone. But I miss him so much and can’t stop thinking about him. I just need 5 minutes that I don’t think about him. I keep telling myself I’ll get this and that done today. And then I just sit and do nothing. I’m not sure what to do……

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  • Sandra

    September 12th, 2016 at 12:52 PM

    ..Connie…tell us about it…we all know…..It’s lovely when I forget, if I get wrapped up in something and forget, the difference in my head is great, like old times…then…I remember. 3 months is very very early days, like you say, at least you have your granddaughter to distract you…It’s a long haul for sure, but we can’t give in…at least that’s what I keep telling myself….But I could so easily at times…x

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  • Vivian

    September 12th, 2016 at 1:08 PM

    Connie and all of you who are new to posting here, I have posted this twice but through my 14 months of loneliness and sadness and feeling just like only all of you truly understand this has made sense to me because it’s how it is.

    “In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
    Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.”

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    September 13th, 2016 at 8:17 AM

    hi everybody. a quick note. this countdown to the anniversary of steve’s death is torture. we were so happy before it. the whole month before. i remain in shock & of the opinion that i /we could have/should have saved his life. i am a mass of grief and anxiety without him. trying to do some things but it is a struggle. everything seems to be too much for me and all is darkness except my memories of the wonder of our marriage. there is no “moving forward” and i am sick of people saying ridiculous things ‘get a puppy” ‘volunteer at a soup kitchen” “try not to think about him”. oy. i do think we have grief education and health education to offer others. i do not feel anyone can help me unless there is a stronger pill for this depression and anxiety. i am lucky that a friend is coming in by train and will be here to help for a week…she will be here soon. my life is suffering and misery. i have been crying a lot this week. you are the ones who understand. we were robbed of our final quarter together. thank you for being.

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  • Heather

    December 19th, 2016 at 6:58 PM

    the countdown is stressful.My husband died one year ago. I took the day off work and biked out to his grave.It was a lovely sunny day.. quite pleasant. I do find Friday nights and Saturdays the hardest.I have people around me and my daughter and grandson live with me and I have a fulltime job but i feel lonely, not for a relationship but for my husband.Several times this week I wanted to tell him things but he wasnt there .On one hand I feel weak but on the other hand i feel stronger than I`ve ever been.We can get through.There is light at the end of the tunnel.

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  • pat

    September 13th, 2016 at 9:55 AM

    Hi all. Have had a really bad few days. Still not heard from my daughter . Been feeling really low and if it wasn’t for the fact I have all his art to sort out I reckon I wouldn’t be here. It will be David’s birthday on Friday and our diversionary on Saturday. Can’t face the mockery of the family turning up so going to stay with a friend but not telling anyone and phone off. Her husband just walked out on her without warning about a year ago so she is miserable too so we can cry with each other and I won’t have to put a brave face on. As the days go by just feel worse and worse. Feel like I am dying a slow and tortuous death. Even my therapist agreed \i am not really living just existing. Get up, cry go to work come home cry watch the clock till it’s time for pills then bed. Car is now in garage and has been for 5 days so even more cut off than I was before. Still waiting on house sale. Need out and quickly. Missing David more and more each day. I often wish when he was dying in my arms I had just gone with him instead of enduring this living death. Thanks to all for your comments. I read them all so don’t feel so alone. I do wonder if some from way back have found some peace therefore no longer post. Don’t see that happening any time soon if ever. Thanks again.

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  • Sandra

    September 13th, 2016 at 3:48 PM

    ….Pat….(((Hugs)))……I am amazed at your daughter…A son I could understand, them being ( men)…but your daughter could be a whole lot more compassionate in my opinion…A daughter is a daughter to her mother usually….I cannot believe she doesn’t even phone you…..My son has eased off big style, but I knew it would happen, but he still texts me every day…I am surprised he texts me every day, we’ve had a rocky relationship since he was 15…We are very alike, that is the problem…..I wish you could feel better, I wish we all could…..We are being tested, but what stands out for me is, we are all still here…..It’s taking all we have to keep afloat…I feel guilty when I wish I wasn’t here and there’s people out there ( children included) who are fighting to stay alive….I feel ungrateful….I wish I was another year down the line, even though it will mean being older…..I keep thinking, one day, just one day, I will get out of my bed and think about Miles and feel at peace with the fact that he’s gone from our life together and all our time together will make me smile……Don’t give in Pat….xxx

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  • Heather

    December 19th, 2016 at 7:14 PM

    I use “essential oil for grief’ and I also use homeopathy for grief. My husband of 43 years died one year ago and i stumbled upon essential oils and homeopathy to assist me through this time.If you google it you will understand how it works.It`s amazing and it will help you.It doesn`t take away the grief, but it takes away the toxic effects of grief.try it.. the homeopathy and essential oils work.The following is a website that explains how you can essential oils work for releasing emotions.
    joyamore.wordpress.com/condition/mood/psycho-aromatherapy/emotions-memories-trauma/

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  • Sandra

    September 13th, 2016 at 10:04 AM

    Rebecca….I know it’s probably falling on deaf ears…but you must not blame yourself…I feel guilty myself for hoovering would you believe…Miles went down the garden I think into the cold to do a job because I was busy hoovering in the lounge…he didn’t want to get in my way…maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong , but I keep thinking if he had stayed in the warm ( like I told him )….he wouldn’t have gotten Pneumonia on top of his Lung Fibrosis….We can go on and on blaming ourselves, torturing yourself is not helping you…It’s pointless, because you can’t change it..Nothing is going to change it….When I get up in the morning, I’m never to sure how the day will go..I just hope I’m a tiny bit further forward….The sadness is always going to be there, lurking in the background, waiting to pounce and bring you down again….When I got to a year, I thought I need another year, I’m guessing when I get to 2 yrs, I’ll need another…..The only words of comfort I can offer is….it doesn’t go away, but you will feel different, not necessarily in a better place, but just different..It’s absolute snail’s pace…I hate it also when people suggest I get a cat or a dog or a hobby….Right yeah…that really will fill the void left by my husband…..Chin up…xxx

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    September 13th, 2016 at 3:27 PM

    oh sandra. hi everybody. thanks. day one of week 47 moves slowly and without sufficient ritual. i am going outside to walk circles counter clockwise. gonna do all 47 today tho the weeks get longer. i can not imagine chin up sandra. somebody else said it the other day. i don’t like this at all, this my love is dead widow hood…

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  • Sandra

    September 13th, 2016 at 5:30 PM

    …Rebecca….I know, I know, we all know…But I’m afraid the bottom line is..Sink or swim….Do you want it to end this way…Yes or no….You can do it…You’re bereft, heart broken, gutted, lost, devastated, empty…..In your head it’s the end…..We all know how you feel, we feel the same….But…..Are you the kind of person that gives in, because I don’t …I don’t like being beaten….Miles was the same….he was a fighter….he fought the Morphine hours away from death, to take my hand….. When he was taken to Intensive Care…I held my fist up and mouthed to him…” I love you…fight, fight.”……This is hell….It’s your personal journey….You have to do it your way…xxx

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  • Rebecca S.R.

    September 17th, 2016 at 6:56 AM

    no one has written since sandra’s response to me? i love to swim but have not all summer. now in my heart i am sinking and have been. i do not….know how to do this journey without steve by my side. it is emptiness without him. there is no new normal. there is only the ache of : he is gone. i am too sad. nothing helps. i am sinking……. anyone? thank you for be ing…..

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  • Sandra

    September 18th, 2016 at 5:09 AM

    …Rebecca…we’re all still here, same as ever, breaking down at some point in the day….I’ve been reading some earlier posts and filling up at them….This is all truly heartbreaking…..All the posts from young women that hardly got started, with children to look after and deal with the grief as well…It’s these young women that make me appreciate the time I had with Miles…I’m sorry you’re struggling Rebecca….I hate to say it, but the sadness is just becoming the norm for me…there’s that word again…Normal…It keeps cropping up….This cannot be normal…18 months and counting…..Keep venting, we’re still listening…xxx

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  • pat

    September 18th, 2016 at 1:32 AM

    Well it was David’s birthday on Friday and our anniversary on Saturday. Nothing from any of our 3 children. No comment about how was I coping with this first birthday without him. Obviously they are moving on with their busy lives in which I play no part. It will be 18 weeks on Wednesday since I lost the love of my life and feel I am dying slowly. Not much more to say I haven’t already said. I am bereft and so so sad. Just want this pain to end.

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  • Sandra

    September 18th, 2016 at 2:58 PM

    …Hi Pat…There’s only one way the pain will go away, and it isn’t going to happen..Nothing can bring them back….I too just feel totally sad and deflated….I can’t believe you are not getting more support from your kids…Just a phone call, anything, any show of support….I feel awful, my son comes to see me and I can’t always be bothered with him…he’s pretty full on and tiring….I’ve lost a lot of motivation along the way, things seem pointless now….The jobs around the house are grating on me….stuff Miles would have done….Hope your house sells soon…let us know how it goes….x

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  • Janice

    September 18th, 2016 at 6:04 PM

    Hello to all–just noticed I haven’t posted since September 8th–there is a slight change–but a) I will always feel like I’ve been cut in half b) my heart will always hurt and c) no one but others who have lost their spouse will ever understand — that being said, I am not crying as much–but the smallest things still bring the tears, like at the niece’s wedding I attended this weekend, where they honored relatives who had passed and Werner’s name was mentioned–I could barely hold back the tears ; or, a special song, or the photos. Or when I simply cry out to the emptiness, “I MISS YOU” And like you, Rebecca, I am still struggling with living alone–I just do not know how to do this–and my children are really no help to me and don’t want to listen to me. At the wedding, I felt my mind wandering and felt completely detached from what was going on around me–there isn’t one second of the day that I am not thinking about my husband. So, praying and hoping for some guidance and inspiration to managing this life that isn’t really my life anymore…

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  • pat

    September 23rd, 2016 at 11:06 AM

    Hi all haven’t posted for a while but nothings changed. House still up for sale and family not supportive although had a discussion with one son and hopefully cleared the air. He has phoned for a chat since. Saw the solicitors on Tuesday but don’t think they will take on lack of duty of care case (they only take on guaranteed win cases as free union lawyer), saw psychiatrist on Thursday and was prescribed more pills. My friend came with me on both occasions. Had breast screening this afternoon but don’t really care about outcome as wouldn’t go for any treatment but at least would know I was dying. Been crying even more this week especially at work – just hits me and is overwhelming. Was mortified when my psychiatrist went to take my blood pressure and my arm was too thin to get a reading. My friend’s friend came and took one of my cats today. Can’t cope with the mice and birds and struggling to look after myself never mind my cat so wasn’t fair on her. I still never sit in lounge and neither does she. She used to always sit on David’s computer chair but only sits on mine now. Will miss her but she’s not far away and I am sure she will be well cared for. Walking through the town today to go for screening and tears were not far away. Sadness getting worse and worse. Supposed to be meeting colleagues tomorrow for ten pin bowling. They encouraged me to go and said they would look after me. They are good guys so will see how I feel tomorrow. Went last year with them but when the bus came back David was waiting for me. Dreading coming home and he’s not there. My friend has suggested I move in with her for a wee while but as much as I don’t want to be in this house anymore I don’t want to be at hers either.It’s difficult for her to understand and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. Told her last night she is better not bothering with me as I am a waste of space at the moment. Feeling so so sad. Missing him so much my heart is going to break. this existence is such a struggle with no light at the end of the tunnel. Will be 18 weeks on Wednesday and feels worse day by day. Even my friend acknowledges I seem worse to her. Nothing interests me or excites me. From the time I waken wish it was time for bed again. Even struggling to go to work now. Death is the on;y end to this constant pain and suffering. There haven’t been so many posts on this site recently and not sure if people are feeling better or worse. Missed the comments popping up. Thinking of you all x

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  • Rebecca S. Rosenbaum

    September 23rd, 2016 at 11:40 AM

    oh pat. i to am very low. i know how you feel. i just got diagnosed w ptsd which explains a lot. yes. i have some of the same thoughts. dreading the one year anniversary coming up too soon. sad and haunted by what we = + me overlooked steve’s last days…haunted remaining convinced i could have saved him…..oh o oh oh ….for some of us it is too hard. take care of you a bit….and best to all on here…..

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  • Sandra

    September 23rd, 2016 at 12:52 PM

    ..Hi Pat and Rebecca…I’m still here, trying to plod on….Was crying only 10 minutes ago whilst playing a word game online….It was the music in the background on the television…It just made me think of Miles laying looking at me in that bed…..I could visualize his face and the look in his eyes…It will haunt me forever…I think I’m starting to feel a bit more normal ( that word )….then it just comes over me…The best I can report is the crying is not as intense…It’s more of what I call a snivel now….But, it’s every day….The whole thing just churns over in my head constantly…Wears you down….Still got that dread on waking….I’m going for a breast screening as well Pat on Oct 6th….I don’t care to be honest…I’m in two minds whether to go or not….The only comfort I’ve got is, I can feel him in the house and see him…In my head I know, but it helps a tad…I keep thinking, just what is in store for me…us…..I don’t think any one of us is interested in starting again…..What can I say….We’re in the lap of the gods…I’m sorry you’re on more pills Pat, I like a drink, but not to excess, couple of glasses of wine at night…We have to be careful now living on our own, lots of things come into play when you’re living alone, coming down stairs, getting up stepladders…Got to be careful when there’s no-one coming home….I’m starting to think I should feel better after 18 months, just got to take it a day at a time as they say….Rebecca..I know it’s hard not to blame yourself, I’m just glad Miles asked for the Ambulance himself….I wanted to get it earlier, but he said no, so I’m glad it was his decision in view of the way it turned out…..x

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    September 23rd, 2016 at 11:05 PM

    oh sandra….so much….so hard…good to read your words..

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  • Janice

    September 25th, 2016 at 8:39 PM

    Have not forgotten you all–my computer is not working and I am now dealing with my 90-yr. old mother who has serious health issues–staying with her and making preparations and decisions about moving to assisted living. I’m staying with her but run home every few days to regroup and end up crying during the hour drive–missing Werner and facing month twelve as October approaches. Your posts help me so much–a tiny fraction left of the many who have written on this thread. All of you take care–I’m still a hollow shell of myself–but I’ve immersed myself in the task at hand, with my husband always near me–I think I can hear him say “Lovie, you’re doing a good job”💕

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    September 26th, 2016 at 11:39 AM

    oh pat what you say: ” Death is the only end to this constant pain and suffering.”– i feel it too
    oh janice: my mama is miles away and 92
    so missing steve now it hurts. the grief has been in my heart and in my digestion all this time…this is 49 weeks ago today he was alive 49 weeks tomorrow gone….the jewish new year comes next week and to be in it without steve pains me…everything seems worse but the house has some clutter out, and a new bathroom floor..i really overworked the first 3/4 of the year on clearing objects. now i am laid low and have to take care of my emotions. i am still in shock that my life suddenly went from dream to nightmare, and his from life to death…i love him so….i have pt sd diagnosis now…..do not know how this all can be…our lives were so good a year ago. i had such high hopes as that new year began. such joy. such love. i am more lost than ever now. i think i am not the only one who is getting worse but ….who knows. all be well. thanks for being out there. i am too sad to move right now. i want to go out and lie in sun but at least it is on me through the window. all i want is what i always want = who i always want, the situation i always want…my beloved steve alive and here with me. i fear the second year…you all take care and thanks….good to read about new ppl and good do see old timers…is that what we are…i still think i like this place on the internet best. peace to you all but..oh the sadness…i choke on it…..all tears…

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  • Sandra

    September 26th, 2016 at 1:59 PM

    …Hi all….18 months in and I just feel like a robot…I wake up, I get up, fill my day with nothing ( housework and shopping etc).. then go to bed…everyday…I’m not one for socializing really outside my family….It was just the two of us really, and our son occasionally and our granddaughters now and then when they are off school…Miles loved to see the kids…With IPF ( with no cure ) he used to say to me..” All I want is to see the kids up ( they were 7 and 9 at the time )…Me being to the point as usual…I would say,” I’m sorry, but in view of what you have, I don’t think that is going to happen “….I don’t know what must have been going through his mind knowing he hadn’t long left…..Hard for him to live with and hard for me waiting for him to die…..I just feel sunk…The house is developing a problem with damp…I just cannot be bothered…I miss feeling safe with him…He always made me feel safe and protected, I miss that so much….I suppose this is it really….Can’t see much changing to be honest…..Here’s hoping….Keep venting people…x

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  • Annie

    September 26th, 2016 at 3:11 PM

    Hi Sandra. I know how you feel. I did everything with my husband. We were truly best friends. I always felt safe with him and knew I could always count on him. I knew he had everything under control. How lonely my life has become. It’s been just five months but seems like forever. Never have felt such an emptiness. Praying for you.

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  • Rebecca

    September 26th, 2016 at 4:54 PM

    HI THIS is still my favorite on line place. you are a huge help. steve was alive 49 weeks ago. i am an emotional wreck today and physically ill. sick to my stomach from sadness. can’t manage this. the anniversary coming after the jewish new year. i miss steve so much my heart is broken……and nothing is going to get better ever. i can’t see how it can……we were so in love….we lived in a dream…..now i live in a nightmare….so lonely ….for steve….and in love with him..and cannot envision anything but what we had……thanks for listening. i feel myself to be in trouble. alone, sad, sick….and there are a few fleas too…all i want is steve to be here….all i want is what is not possible…who else is like this?

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  • Keith

    October 8th, 2016 at 10:27 AM

    I lost my Claire in July this year. I was here carer. It’s left a big hole in my life and all I want is the impossible. I can not believe she is not coming back. I can’t touch any of her things. We were together 17 years. I feel so sad and in seconds I can be in tears. I do not know what to do most of the time.

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  • Sandra

    September 27th, 2016 at 7:00 AM

    …Annie…Bless you…5 months is a short time…..it does change, that’s all I can say, whether it changes for the best is debatable….I think now if we had been different people, those that socialized a lot, it would be far worse…I would feel even more isolated….The crying is not as intense and becoming less frequent…But that doesn’t lift my heart one iota….Rebecca…People on this forum speak how they feel, that’s what good about it..It’s a release without being judged….No-one can understand until they are in our situation…Anyone that sails through this, just didn’t care to much in the first place…In my opinion….Speak how you feel, it works…x

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  • pat

    September 27th, 2016 at 12:33 PM

    Hi everyone. This existence just gets worse and worse. No light at the end of the tunnel no relief apart from sleep. My daughter has now messaged me saying it’s just not practical for her to come to my house as baby always crying and the gp and health visitor have both said she should ask me for help. Don’t really understand why she can’t come here. People have seen her out and about yet she says she struggles to get out. Both my sons have criticised me for not helping her yet not one of them contacted me on 16th Sept (David’s birthday) or 17th September (our wedding anniversary). Nor have they asked how I am, how I am getting on with psychiatrist, mental health nurse, pills, house sale etc…Seems I have to make all the effort and they know my car is still not right so not driving out of the village. Feeling pressured from all sides. At gp today and said my brain isn’t right any more like I have had a total personality change. I always arranged a big family meal around the time of David’s birthday and now they don’t even get in touch. Ashamed to say it but don’t actually care about them anymore. Just need to sort David’s art work for an exhibition then my tasks are done. My colleagues organised a bowling and meal last Saturday (partly to ‘cheer’ me up) I didn’t want to go but went and big mistake. Felt miserable all night and spent most of the time outside smoking and crying alone. Never going out again. I knew I wasn’t going to be ok as can’t be away from the house too long without panicking. I have explained this to my daughter but ‘her problems are bigger than mine’. Really just want to shut myself away curl up in a ball and cry. Am crying even more now than a few weeks ago and feel like I have hit rock bottom. Don’t have the energy or desire to claw my way back up. Been given new pills to start on Friday which should help the ‘chemicals in my brain’. Not convinced but taking any pills they give me and have never taken pills in my life. Have given away 1 of my cats to a good home as I couldn’t even be bothered with her. Absolutely nothing interests me anymore. I feel dead inside and void of any emotion apart ffrom this intense sadness and longing for my husband. Just want him here to put his arms around me and make it all better. Even struggling to get to work these days but push myself to go. Just don’t know me anymore. I have gone from a fun loving happy sociable mum friend and granny to an empty shell. Feel like friends and family think I am wallowing in self pity so don’t really want to speak to anyone. At least home alone I can cry whenever and it helps to vent on this wonderful site. Highlight of my day to get a new comment even though they are sad like me stops me from feeling guilty. Maybe I am being selfish, a bad mother and uncaring granny but I just can’t deal with all of this. I too was diagnosed with ptsd as death was so unexpected and sudden. My friend can’t understand why I struggle to shower in the bathroom where he died. Her comment was ‘well you have to use the toilet’. Nobody gets it apart from everyone on here and a friend I called in to see today after doctors as close by.She too lost her husband unexpectedly 4 years ago and is depressed so we cried together. She is storing some of David’s paintings for me so we looked through them. She also misses David as he taught art therapy. Several people have stopped going to the class as they miss him so much and the Friday morning class is stopping altogether as they miss him so much. He had told her he was worried how I would cope if he died. He knew our bond was so strong the one that was left would really struggle to carry on. Throughout our marriage I was the strong one and dealt with lifes blows as they came but this time I am broken beyond repair.Defeatist maybe but it’s the truth. No future, nothing to look forward to, no joy or even pleasure. My colleagues reckon I am like a skeleton and I don’t care. Psychiatrist went to take my blood pressure but arm was too thin so he had to pull it tight and hold it there to get a reading but I don’t care. It will be 18 weeks tomorrow and longing for him getting worse by the day. Really do empathise with everyone on here. So annoying when people say cheer up, pull yourself together do this do that. Must admit people irritate me and seem to think I need company when I just want to be left alone to be sad and miserable. Tears on again and time to take my pills to help me into oblivion for a few hours. Miss his goodnight love you kiss so so much. Wish I had something positive to end with but nothing there. Sorry but hope some of you start to feel better but not hopeful from this end. Again thank you so much for being there.

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  • Sandra

    September 27th, 2016 at 4:34 PM

    ……Pat….You are heart broken….I can see that….Grief is an individual thing….but I can so see how you must feel…Miles death was expected….Suppose I blanked it out to a point…..You are in turmoil, that is obvious…..Your poor aching heart….I so feel for you…I understand….I wish your kids were more understanding, but they ( their generation) are so full of themselves…It’s like wading through treacle….I sit and say to myself…Ok…I’m on my own, I’m on my own…I’ve got to do this…..It is without doubt, the biggest struggle ever……Try and look after yourself please, that’s half the battle.( I know you don’t care or want to )….But just try……x

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  • Rich

    September 29th, 2016 at 8:46 PM

    Although it has been a while since I posted (too mentally exhausted) I routinely come to this site to see how everyone is doing. My prayers continue to be with you.

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  • Sandra

    September 30th, 2016 at 12:57 PM

    ..Hi Rich…Nice to hear from you again….Yes, you’re right, that’s how it gets you, mentally worn out, ground down…Gives the daily grind a whole new meaning….Hope you’re coping best way you can….I just keep thinking, there’s got to be some light, there’s just got to be….I can feel a small change (18months) coming over me, when I think about Miles, I just want to smile…I’ve got him locked away in my heart….I’ve taken to kissing my wedding ring when I think about him…I miss him so much, still think about him all day everyday….Look after yourself Rich….x

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  • Berna

    September 30th, 2016 at 9:51 AM

    Pat,
    how you’re feeling and what you are going through are the new normal for us people.. days, many days and months couldn’t change the intensity of pain but with the long time being in pain, would numb you,you’l get used to it. I am sorry, i hope you’ll take care of yourself. Just keep on writing and let your grief out.

    berna

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  • Vivian

    September 30th, 2016 at 10:15 AM

    Rich, I check in once in while too. I have had a myriad of emotions. This second year is difficult but I admit is different. Yes, I have found a way to live a different way, and even though I miss him in every activity, the nights, mornings and down moments are overwhelming still. I miss the comfort, the conversations, and so much more. There is no one who can truly understand and even more, know me, and still love me as he did unconditionally. I feel like until we met, I never fit, and he made me better, normal, happy, and ok with me. I never want anyone else and he is my husband still and always will be. I am living, and I do have a life but I will never be the same.

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  • Sandra

    September 30th, 2016 at 2:51 PM

    Vivian…..I could have written your comment myself….cheers….we are reading off the same page…..x

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  • Vivian

    October 1st, 2016 at 1:20 PM

    Sandra, no one but us truly understand.

  • pat

    September 30th, 2016 at 11:43 AM

    Hi everyone. Things not any better. Good to hear from you Rich. It’s my highlight when a comment pops up. My daughter was insisting by text that I go ans help her with new baby today. It would have meant 2 bus journeys after work and I just don’t feel up to it. It’s 7 weeks since she has been here and only 2 calls in that time (not nice ones just critical of me). She has a car but says she very rarely leaves the house (not true). My friend went into chemist in town where another friend works and she commented she has been in a few times with the baby and was shocked she hasn’t been to see me. I messaged today that I wasn’t well enough to make the journey and it would be nice if she came here. Her reply was she had been at pool with baby and had architect coming in afternoon. I had commented in a previous text that it had been David’s birthday and our anniversary 2 weeks ago and her reply was she was thinking of me (but not enough to pick up the phone or visit 15 mins by car). Feeling utterly rejected and abandoned. Had a few drinks tonight and will take meds shortly so hopefully will knock me out. Wandering about in the middle of the night isn’t good at all. My psychiatrist has said to forget about family and concentrate on me but I feel totally worthless at the moment. Missing David more and more and crying more than ever. This is all too exhausting and pointless. People say David wouldn’t have wanted me to feel like this and my answer is exactly so why should I continue with this awful existence. Still got David’s art to sort through then evaluate my position. It’s weird how everyone picks themselves up and get on with it. Don’t know if I even want to if I could. He was my life and I am now dead inside. My brain and personality have gone. I am no more just an empty sad shell. I have nothing left to give and find myself caring less and less. Don’t like this ‘new’ me or this ‘new’ life. All too hard. I empathise with everyone on here and thank you all.

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  • Sandra

    September 30th, 2016 at 3:03 PM

    …Hi Pat…I can’t help but feel there’s more going on between your daughter and yourself than you realise….Very strange for a daughter to be his way with a mother, especially when you are bereft…But this is families, is it not.? Thank god I am the kind of person who doesn’t mind my own company….I see my son once a week..Sometimes it’s more, only because he needs to use my garage for storage for his business…Couple of hours is enough, he’s pretty full on, he exhausts me, always did…..! I so wish you could feel better, but you are not to far in….You can do it Pat, you are stronger than you think…x

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  • Annie

    September 30th, 2016 at 12:25 PM

    Hi Rich. I haven’t posted much lately either. I know the feeling of mentally exhausted. I will continue praying for you as well and also for the many who are walking this lonely journey. God Bless you.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    September 30th, 2016 at 6:54 PM

    with you pat. so very with you. very similar. too tired to write now and i am a jew and it is sabbath. i cried buckets yesterday. will be entering a new jewish year with out steve and after the holidays is the first anniversary….i dread the second year. pat you sort paintings i sort papers…..and am an emotional mess. very few people help and they are dears– more on that later. pat everything you say resonates with me. oh i am glad my kitties are near….rich and vivian and others, so good to see you here. this on line place is a big help. going to drink tea now…will be back in a few days. cyberhugs to all. cyber tears on cyber shoulders. thank you. all. for your shares and rich for your prayers……

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  • Sandra

    October 2nd, 2016 at 4:28 AM

    …Yes Vivian….It goes way to deep for tea and sympathy to make a difference, no-one can grasp how it all feels until they are there themselves….I hate feeling like this, it all feels so pointless, I’m wishing my time away trying to strive for a better place…..x

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  • Annie

    October 2nd, 2016 at 2:42 PM

    Hi Sandra. I hate Sundays. Such a lonely day and lonely journey. Be glad when it’s time to go to bed.

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  • Sandra

    October 3rd, 2016 at 4:25 AM

    ….Yes Annie, some days are torture, I try and stay busy, but I’ve always been that way…I felt a bit low yesterday myself….If I’m in the house for more than a couple of days I can feel myself getting agitated so I go out in the car, even if it’s for half an hour to the shops for whatever….Yes, it can be a very lonely life and not that easy to come to terms with when you are used to having that special company around you….x

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  • Annie

    October 3rd, 2016 at 8:51 AM

    Thank you Sandra for that sweet reply. I know I am always pretty busy. I own a restaurant and am there Tuesday thru Saturday. It just seems Sunday afternoon is really hard. My husband and I led worship at our church on Sunday morning and then the rest of the day was ours. I guess that’s why Sundays are so hard. I was really having a rough time this weekend and your email made a big difference. Thank you. God Bless

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  • Deb

    October 4th, 2016 at 3:04 PM

    I lost my husband Of 46 years on September 15, 2016, he was 68 and I am 67. Cancer of the pancreas and liver. Some days are not too bad but others are terrible, I am so lonesome and the solitude is terrible, I feel good at home but find it hard to leave and return to the emptiness. Is it Norman or not want to leave the house.

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  • Sandra

    October 5th, 2016 at 4:13 AM

    …Hi Deb..So sorry for your loss, so recent… We all know how you feel here…we’re all going through the same pain….It’s a hard journey you are on for sure, like the rest of us…46 years together is a long time…We were together 48 yrs and married for 44 yrs, he was 64….I’m 19 months in and still cry most days…I don’t have the empty house thing as I feel like he is still in here with me…I think about him constantly…Don’t you worry about what is normal and what isn’t, you do whatever you have to and just go with your feelings…We’re all different and grief is a very personal thing…Try and look after yourself though, it’s hard to be bothered, but you must…Bless you…x

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  • Vivian

    October 5th, 2016 at 12:08 PM

    Deb, it is absolutely normal and for me, essential. It has been 15 months for me and I found that whenever I did go out, it couldn’t be for a long time. I needed to go home. If you need us, we are here.

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  • graham

    October 5th, 2016 at 12:56 AM

    hello deb yes its normal . lost my wife of 45 years 9/4/16 its like losing a limb part of my heart died with her she was my life ive never been so unhappy in my life all I want is my own company because nobody can give me my Trica back but I know that’s selfish .she battled peritoneal cancer for 7 years .I wouldn’t want her to go through that again . grief is the price of love . so sorry for your loss I wouldn’t wish this on anybody what ever you feel is normal .

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  • Sandra

    October 5th, 2016 at 1:06 PM

    … Hi Graham….sorry for your loss too…It’s heartbreaking isn’t it…My husband fought IPF ( Lung Disease ) for 5 and half years..He lasted way longer than the prognosis, but that was him, never gave in, but it won in the end..The ultimate defeat….Yes, our lives are changed forever….and you are right…What we are doing is, paying the price for love….there’s always a price to pay….Look after yourself….x

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  • graham

    October 6th, 2016 at 12:36 AM

    Sandra thank you for your comment I feel so alone and lost this new life is a alien place . I hate knowing that this is it . I miss the love of my lovely wife and true friend hears to a short life cant stand the thought of doing this for years take care

  • Rebecca S. R.

    October 6th, 2016 at 9:39 PM

    hi everybody. thanks for be ing. graham what you just said: “cant stand the thought of doing this for years take care”…omg yes. i am going thru a hard time. i think i kept denial going for the first 40+ weeks. now it is week 50. october used to mean happiness. holidays (jewish), hikes with steve. now i am a mass of tears. heavy weeping. started w a new therapist and she sits and goes deep with me. but it hurts it hurts i do not feel this is my life…this solo thing. this no one here. i love the cats but…the love of my life, my joy, my husband, soul mate…who called our beloveds ” our darlings”?? i do not like this nightmare. i feel so sick. nerves nerves. i hardly eat. rice cakes are best. i don’t think it will get better. i feel like i will break. like i will just….break. die of grief? heartbreak? collapse from the exhaustion of the emotion? i was all about sorting papers but i had to take a break. i needed help sorting myself. there is nothing to be sorted. it’s a mass of mess. a solid mass of sadness. an ocean of tears. a tragedy of the end of the life of my beloved steve. and the end of our shared life. i am in worse shape than i was…or i have been in bad shape all along and getting worse? can not overcome the grief. it overcomes me. you know. graham. what you say. yes. alone and lost. and still shocked that this became my fate. a year ago we were in love. mature love. over 35 years of love. you know. and now…it seems either pointless or unbearable or both. and exhausting. and i am having trouble finding anyone to do a small thing with…make a bit of jewish holiday. i sit in bed and go to synagog on computer. live stream. the walks i take continue to be counter clockwise circles on the path in our yard. as if that would make time go back. 50 weeks now but i only walked 25. i love my husband. he is my favorite person in the world and ….who knew…..we would fall off our happy mountain top of love into this. sudden death for him… he so healthy he walked around w a heart attack for days? and as time goes on i see more and more red flags..should’ve could’ve would’ve noticed that…. how could i have let it go by…and failed to save him? the self torture is worse. the rut in my brain from thinking it over and over. as if that would fix it…as if that would give me a chance to do it over….and dial 911 or realize that something is serious….no progress in any direction but deeper despair……..you all know this but what can we do but suffer…this one foot at a time business….but there is no where to go…..you know?

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  • graham

    October 7th, 2016 at 9:48 AM

    Rebecca I’ve just read your letter and I get what you are saying a mature love. like you said one minute your happy in your own land of joy then suddenly we are thrown into a empty void thinking in circles didn’t think I could be this unhappy beyond words makes you fell so solitary with no point but a yearning for the clock to go back I may not talk on this site a lot but I read every day. find it hard to put feelings down as I really feel . look after yourself.

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    October 7th, 2016 at 10:55 AM

    thanks graham. for your note. you too. look after yourself. i am not doing well. all on here….do the best we can. thanks all. hard times now for me. anniversary coming, very sad. very. you all understand. thanks

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    October 7th, 2016 at 3:20 PM

    hey wonderful people. i know many of us say it or feel it. someone said what’s the point. how many of us are just waiting for the end? how many of us are feeling like we can’t go on without our beloveds? is this a taboo subject? many have these feelings and thoughts. for some it gets internalized and they get sick. i wonder who acts on it. i am feeling very low. i have lots of work to do and i truly want to do it before my time is up. to preserve my beloved’s legacy. i am recognizing i am taking a break now and just feeling bad. several times a day i say i can’t do this, i can’t go on without him. not for long. i know life is precious. i feel bad even having these thoughts. i miss steve so. i want the life we had. together. a shared life. it’s the only life i want. do you know what i mean? of course you do. can we talk about it? i am not in danger now. as i said i am committed to getting steve and my papers to an archive. this will take time…. best to all. it’s a beautiful sunny day and i am in bed. i feel like i can’t move. this has not happened for a while. perhaps it is over due. pls tell me what you think, dear people on this…thanks

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  • Keith

    October 8th, 2016 at 1:31 PM

    I have been setting on my bed most of the day. Nearly every day I feel lost and cannot go on. Each day roles into the next. Claire was my first love.

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  • Keith

    October 8th, 2016 at 10:47 AM

    One of the last things I said to my dear Claire was we will get through this as I was holding her in my arms. The next day she was gone. I woke up at 5am the next morning which is very unusual for me. I believe that she called out to me. Shortly after I had a call from the hospital I knew it was bad news. I feel to blame as I offered to stay with her in the hospital all night. No one understood how bad she was, only I did. I asked for a doctor to see her but no one came. I feel I should have done more.

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  • Annie

    October 8th, 2016 at 3:19 PM

    Keith. I know how hard it is. Weekends are the worst. Just pray to God for strength and know your love is right there with you.

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  • Sandra H.

    October 8th, 2016 at 3:00 PM

    …..Rebecca….I think most of us have had the feelings you are talking about…Just wanting it all to end….I don’t particularly want to die, but if I was told tomorrow I had 6 weeks to live….I wouldn’t be to bothered….It’s those moments out of the blue, when it all floods back and you can feel them near you and you long for it to be true…But it isn’t….I talk to Miles, I sometimes feel he really is next to me, I look around quickly because I feel someone is near…And it goes on…….Keith I am so sorry you lost your Claire…Miles was my first love as well…48yrs together…How do you get over the loss after that time…You will feel all the normal feelings Keith, guilt, remorse, regret at what you did and didn’t do…I’ve been through them all and still doing so after 19 months….All I’m left with is a pretty sad existence…each day rolling into the next, full of nothing….I’ve never minded my own company, but it ‘s really being tested now…..All we can be grateful for is the time we spent with them…..As people say ( who haven’t got a clue )…You’ve still got your memories….( I so hate that )….Yes, that’s all we’ve got….19 months in, all I can say is, I feel slightly different, but no happier, just relentless longing……and it goes on….x

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  • Janice

    October 9th, 2016 at 6:48 PM

    It’s been awhile for me again–finally got my computer up and running. So, what’s changed? Absolutely nothing! As I approach the anniversary of Werner’s death, I am now feeling more than ever the stark reality of this aloneness, this gut-wrenching sorrow that I am living each day. You have all expressed exactly what losing your spouse means–and I relate to all of it. If anything, it is so much worse now–yes, I function, but life has simply become something to be endured–I just want our life back and know it won’t happen. Those of you past a year, did you do something on “the day” — I am beside myself with worry–I can’t even believe the words “a year” — can’t fathom this — my husband DIED — why is this? I still cry, I still feel empty, our home is now a house devoid of joy and of him–so, so hard to live alone. The house filled with memories, photos, clothes, gifts, books–it all defined who we once were and no longer are. To add stress to this month, on Saturday I lost my wedding/engagement ring set–it was 47 years old and very worn–I was in a card shop and I believe it just fell off–I called them later and will go back tomorrow to look. I am sick to pieces about it–I remember when and where my beloved Werner proposed and gave me the ring, modest and simple–I always wore it. I am heartbroken and pray to find it tomorrow. But that pain is small compared to the pain of not having him here and remembering his face the morning he died, a look of disbelief and fear…I have been crying for him all weekend and am now feeling just numb. To you newcomers to the site–it does not get better–you will always grieve–you just learn how to cope–that’s all. We all know…sending peace, love and light to each of you grieving souls…

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    October 10th, 2016 at 12:26 PM

    dear cyberfriends in sadness…thank you for being out there and writing. it’s not getting better. it’s getting worse. ( for me) i am not learning how to cope. maybe i am in the slow lane. i am just so grief striken, sad, and still in shock at 51 weeks tomorrow. and my heart is broken and i want time to go backwards, which it can’t, which makes me a fool. a sad / grieving fool. but i appreciate you all. may you fare better than do i. thank you for writing and sharing. i want steve back. here. home alive. the impossible dream. i feel a tightness in the pit of my stomach. that’s new. for me. one step at a time into feeling worse? ugh. sorry to be a bummer. all be well…you all. i can’t be. but i will take a bath and get dressed today. yesterday i felt like my back was glued to the bed. this is not good. ok…take care. we help one another by bits of sharing. you help me. thanks.

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  • Sandra H

    October 10th, 2016 at 1:25 PM

    ..Rebecca…it’s so nice to know we are a small help to you in your grief stricken state…It’s hellish for sure….I can’t remember when I last laughed…I used to poke fun at Miles, tormented him for fun…Sounds cruel, but he took no notice…We used to have a laugh and a bit of banter…I so miss that….I just miss him being here, end of…What can we do, a big fat nothing, that’s what makes it worse and worse, it can’t be resolved….He was so reliable and clever around the house, I so depended on him to put things right, now it’s down to me…My son helps where he can, but he’s not his father….You’re coming up to your year then Rebecca….I can’t wait for the second one to pass, what a way to live your life, wishing your time away….It is a small comfort to know all of us are in the same boat…When I feel rubbish, I think about you all…takes my mind off myself for a while…x

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  • Keith

    October 10th, 2016 at 1:27 PM

    I am feeling the same. Longing for the impossible and thinking about what could have been. But I realise the past cannot be change and trying to deal with the future. Try not to think about the past and plan what you need to do for the future.

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  • Annie

    October 10th, 2016 at 3:04 PM

    Hi Keith. You’ll never forget the past but like all of us we have to continue living. I know how hard it is. It will be six months on the 25th and I believe it has gotten harder but we have no choice. We were so blessed with wonderful mates and that is something that will always be alive in our hearts. Praying for you.

  • Keith

    October 10th, 2016 at 4:05 PM

    If I think of the past I get upset so trying not to at the moment. Not sure when or if that will change.

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  • Sandra

    October 10th, 2016 at 4:56 PM

    ..Keith..you have to think about the past to come to terms with the future..( in my opinion)….When I watched my husband die on Intensive Care…..our whole time together flashed through my mind in seconds….48 yrs worth….I tend to live in the past….When we got together, I thought we would last forever….But you know in the back of your mind, it can’t….That time is now….( to soon)….This is the time you tried not to think about, now, you have to think about it, it’s here…..I don’t know if there is a difference between the way men and women think in this situation….I think men can move on more easily, I think women tend to hold onto the past, just the way we are……x

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  • Rich

    October 11th, 2016 at 1:50 PM

    Keith:
    I am out 8 months and 8 days. I function but grudgingly.
    People say “you seem so much better” or “you are back to the old Rich” . Maybe it’s the German in me that tries not to display emotion, but behind the scenes it is a different story. I guess everyone finds their own level of peace and recovery. For me I have found mine and that is to willingly accept the pain of Janet’s loss everyday. That pain keeps her memory alive but in a good way. I know no one could ever replace her and at 62 I won’t even try.
    Our wedding anniversary is next Friday and I am driving down to Cape May where we got engaged and married to reminisce. It will be a difficult day but a good one because she will be there with me.
    Peace and Prayers to all of you,
    Rich

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  • Annie

    October 11th, 2016 at 5:43 PM

    Hi Rich. I give you a lot of credit. God Bless you and have a safe trip to Cape May. I know God is with you and my prayers are also with you.

  • Debbie

    October 16th, 2016 at 6:24 AM

    Hi Keith, I agree it is very hard, it was a month yesterday that my husband passed, I cried nearly all day. I think of the past quiet a bit and in my case I feel good thinking of the past, mind you I am talking about before he got sick, it makes me feel like he is still here, but it is the future that scares me I wonder how I will survive without him, I miss him so much, I keep asking him to give me advice and help me get through the days and months coming. A lot of people say that I seem to be coping good, but I cry by myself a lot. I have lots of friends but don’t want to keep bothering them all the time. I feel real good staying at home by myself, I feel like Louie is close by. Life is hard, I know we have to look to the future and be strong, at the moment I cannot look more than a day ahead, I hope one day that you will be able to think about the past, for me it is all I have left of Louis, the future is going to be very hard without him and I am having trouble coming to terms with this.
    Good luck. Debbie. I love this site and feel so fortunate to be a part of it, it helps me

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  • Rebecca

    October 10th, 2016 at 7:37 PM

    hey everybody. i am in torment and struggle. keith…i can not think of the future. my future died. i am going crazy. all i think about is the past & i feel i failed to save steve’s life by not recognizing heart attack signs. we both did. i don’t know how i can live with this. i think i will just die of grief after i get some things done and drive myself even more crazy. that is the only future i can see. pretty bad. went to a new msw who seemed to think it good i was expressing grief with words and tears but…i felt exhausted for days. must write her about it. it is a real struggle. yes. we were blessed, as annie says, with wonderful mates..yes yes yes. a positive thought. thank you. tomorrow morning is 51 weeks. i am scared of the 2nd year…and the ongoing suffering. you all understand. tomorrow is a serious jewish holiday. tomorrow night and wednesday. i will be immersed in it…and missing steve. i am going to stay home and go to synagog on live stream! so i can sit here and cry when the tears come. i still don’t like to be in crowds. do you? all b as well as you can….which for some of us is….not very….oh oh oh. who knew this would be our fate……… thanks good people

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  • Janice

    October 14th, 2016 at 7:28 PM

    Very difficult weeks for me–and I know for Rebecca, as well. It just occurred to me that I don”t really know how it can get worse as I approach the 1-yr. mark. I am also dreading the start of yet another dismal year. There is still not one day I don’t cry–has anyone else just felt utter desolation and despair? I have lost interest in pretty much everything ; can’t concentrate to read, don’t cook, and barely get the basics done. I am dreading the anniversary date on October 29th and don’t know what to do that day. I hope some of you post again–it’s such a tremendous help to know that you all understand.

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  • Sandra

    October 15th, 2016 at 12:59 PM

    ..Hi Janice…yes, we all understand, I too have lost a lot of motivation, not much feels important anymore…I went for a breast scan last week, it took great effort, because I basically don’t care anymore, had to force myself….I’m at 19 months now ( fastest ever time of my life )….I’ve finally accepted he’s gone, but seem to miss him more every day….I get flashbacks of our youth together, they just come from the blue….I just wish my time away…..Do my chores, try and stay busy, try not to worry about what’s to do in the house…It’s a big responsibility for one person…I feel compelled to keep the house up to scratch, Miles put his heart and soul into it for years….Breaks my heart he isn’t here to share it with me….Janice, I would love to say the second year is better, but it isn’t…I’m hoping the third might be…I feel so uneasy most of the time without him, I don’t feel myself anymore, not sure that will change, ever…I still cry too Janice, not as intense and less frequent….I just feel like my heart weighs a ton….October 29th is the date I met Miles when I was 15 and he was 17….Where did it go…for all of us…x

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  • Rich

    October 15th, 2016 at 4:42 PM

    Janice:
    February 3rd will be my one year mark. However, yesterday was our wedding anniversary. We got engaged at Cape May Point, NJ and married at the Chalfonte in Cape May. I decided to face our first anniversary apart head on and drove to Cape May. I sat on the beach for a while and collected a few “Cape May Diamonds” then I drove to the Chalfonte. They were closed for lunch but I parked the car and sat there for a while. I turned around and came home via the backway we used. When I got home I mixed the “Diamonds” with her ashes. It was emotional but I think it would have been worse if I stayed home for the day.
    My advise for the 29th is to do something both of you would have been comfortable with. Make it a full day if possible. I’ll be praying for you.

    Rich

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    October 15th, 2016 at 6:22 PM

    with you janice! you are welcome to phone me if it would help. yes we are in for some difficult times. i have been weeping a lot. more like uncontrollable sobbing… because i am following the gregorian and jewish calendars i have 2 anniversaries of the saddest thing that ever happened to me… and my beloved… i know oct 20 what i will do. it just happens that some nice cousins of steve’s are passing thru. i still have not eaten out… part of my year of mourning– but i do take out. so we will have lunch in the yard (* hope no rain), their treat, and have a good talk. that will leave me plenty of the rest of the day to walk (* i still walk counter clockwise circles on the path in the yard… one for each week but now that it’s 51 weeks… i made sure to do 51 one day of the week… other days i just walk. tonight i walked an hour… besides that i will write to steve as i have been doing… i want to write about his life and our lives but all this year i’ve been writing about sadness, grief, loving him…and all he what ifs. my big aha moment earlier this week was that I DO NOT FORGIVE MYSELF FOR NOT SAVING STEVE’S LIFE—by getting him care. some aha huh? i have so many what if’s and should have’s. i dread the second year… oh… the jewish anniversary is 7 cheshvan which this year happens to be on election day… 2 days before it we will have a small ceremony when ppl first see the stone which is finally done… but not put up yet because i want them to wait til closer to nov 6–and we have to cover it til the ceremony. i am very lonely but i am lonely for STEVE my favorite person, my love… it IS help to know folks here understand. so many people don’t. janice i will be thinking of you… there must be something you can do… oh i too can’t concentrate to read… just on here. is there anything you can imagine doing… i don’t know… something with his clothes… or walking where you 2 walked… or get take out food to nourish yourself as you go thru the hard day… knowing if he were alive he would be nourishing you… i miss steve so much. i post a good deal on Facebook and i think ppl are tired of it. hmmmm… would going thru photos help? i’ve yet to do that… have been working on stuff a lot… the mess of a house… but took a break for the jewish holidays now and the upcoming anniversary… and the need to do regular housecleaning, find storm windows… tho it is mild now… and i finally pulled some things out of the garden so it doesn’t look so wild… i will plant some of steve’s favorite flowers that’s what i will do… yarrow is for him. we have lots. there were some dried up ones i took off his grave. yarrow spreads by root but i will try and plant some of the seeds… i just came up with that. oh i love him so and want nothing more than to turn back time and to be together as we were… all i want is the impossible. sigh. oh janice… with you… we are allowed to cry all we want. but drink up… it really is dehydrating and exhausting… xo

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  • Krystal W.

    October 15th, 2016 at 7:05 PM

    I have no problem dying I’m scared of when and how but I’m more scared that my star has gone wicked and I’m zoo alone so sad and I have noons but people I annoy. I’m scared I’m more lonely than ever I feel as I this week I’ve lost a few friends an I’m beside myself with grieand also aim dealing with a stage 5 kidney failure from a man I found over the coarse of my life I cojldntofound a better match but he didn’t think I was worth the time or the chase soi lost him to a really kool home that I no longer feel accepted or loved I just hope he has happiness and a kickass fu. Time I pray my heart and soul can handle all these wicked this GS I feel are happened in my world lord bless each and every living one

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    October 22nd, 2016 at 7:18 PM

    could not get out of bed most of the day. crying. lovely outside but me in bed crying. beloved Steve gone 52 weeks and 4 days and 11 hours and this is not something to which i am going to adjust. i love him miss him want things to be as they were….dream only of the impossible= going back in time….and i feel i failed to save his life. i should have seen the red flags. had we gotten care he would be alive and here with me now. i do not forgive me. i feel sick to my stomach over the whole thing and exhausted and drained……this is not a way i can go on …how can my existence continue in this much pain, discomfort, sorrow….when will i just …die of grief? i feel that i am not alive. i was we with Steve. we were us. half of us is dead. half of me……there is no cure no help what then good people what then…Steve’s death was sudden and un necessary. it was not meant to be. it was a horrible accident. we did not know that was not indigestion….how to live with this …how to live without Steve….. how to live with this much sadness…how?

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  • Sandra

    October 23rd, 2016 at 4:08 AM

    ….Rebecca..I’m sorry you are in so much pain…We all long for the past to return, but it will never happen…Miles was ill for over 5yrs with an incurable disease, I had partly come to terms with him dying before it happened…I just feel quite numb still 19 months down the line…We all know how you feel, you are not alone….x

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  • pat

    October 23rd, 2016 at 1:27 PM

    Hi all. It’s been a wee while since I last posted however I read every comment.Nothing much has changed in this existence. Like the rest of you desolation, emptiness, lost, heart broken, grief stricken and so on. Still cry every day and it will be 5 months on Tuesday or 22 weeks on Wednesday. I am still forcing myself to go to work but it’s a struggle to go out. My daughter eventually came to see me after almost 9 weeks. She stayed about an hour and a half and spoke only of how difficult she was finding it with a baby however she goes to the gym/pool/massage class every week and has been visiting friends. Not once did she ask how I was or how the house selling was going. I have since taken my house of the market as the place I had my heart set on was sold 2 days before I was ready to offer. I have told my mental health nurse and GP not to bother with me as I feel I am wasting valuable resources and am resigned to being sad and unhappy till the day I die.Feel it’s getting harder as days go by. Summer has changed to Autumn which was David’s favourite season. Miss him so so much. My friend is finding it difficult to put up with me now. I see her for a few hours on Saturday afternoons and have started to just put a brave face on. Starting to prefer just sitting at home alone where I can be sad and no-one can moan. I still can’t bring myself to sit in the sitting room and sit in the kitchen or on my bed. Every day several times I relive his final moments on the bathroom floor. One minute he was doing the toilet and the next dying in my arms. He said ‘I’m going, I’m going , I’m sorry. I didn’t even have the chance to reply it was so quick. Can’t get it out of my head. Don’t know how much longer I can bear this ache. Now I am staying here will start sorting through his art work. I have tasks for him which will take months and then nothingness……I very rarely hear from one son whilst the other pops in for about an hour twice a week. very rarely hear from some friends. I prefer just to be sad on my own. Don’t have any answers I’m afraid for how we can get through this.This site is a little bit of comfort to know I am not crazy or alone. There are so many of us out there and I love when a post pops up no matter how sad. I wish you all as well as can be. Mt health has definitely suffered and still not put on weight. Actually went out and bought a new winter coat as feeling the cold so badly already. I know I will miss David always warming the car up for me. Just another thing to bring me down. There are times when the reality that I won’t see him again just takes my breath away. No end to the despair……………Thanks to you all for being here.

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  • Rich

    October 23rd, 2016 at 7:43 PM

    Christmas time is coming. Have any of you bought a present for your spouse, for a holiday or any occasion? I was out today and saw some Polish stoneware that Janet collected. I bought a piece and wrapped it up for Christmas, it’s not like I bought her slippers. I will open it up and imagine her delight .

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  • Janice

    October 24th, 2016 at 12:54 PM

    Like each of you, I am happy when new messages appear, but also feel sorrow for all of us going through this. I am now in the last week and on the 29th, it will be a year for me. It’s hard to describe how I feel–but I can tell you that the intensity of missing my husband and the harsh reality of this loss have not lessened. To Hazel–we were also married for 46 years–and every single word you wrote could have written by me. You can tell from the varying time spans that, no, it does not get better–you just acquire coping skills–and learn to become a good actress. My days are never regular nor is there any way to know from hour to hour what I’ll be doing — I had a self-imposed hibernation from Thursday to Sunday last week–did not get dressed, barely ate, and spoke to no one, except to text our son and daughter that I was okay–they didn’t need to know the extent of my exile–like many of you, I also do not know how I can bear to go on this way–there is absolutely nothing about living now that has any resemblance to who I used to be–yes, I am simply existing and it’s not something I care to do for much longer. I am also reliving each and every moment of the events from last year ; successful surgery at Mayo, moments of happiness to be followed by despair and again, the optimism my husband felt that he got a reprieve of sorts, only to be dashed by a heart further weakened by the surgery ; sadness and my question to him not12 hours before he died, “are you afraid to die?” — you never told me — never once assuming that he’d actually die the next morning ; all the guilt of not moving fast enough, his look of surprise as he lay in agony when the paramedics arrived to the hotel room ; his wordless embrace after he became conscious, tightly holding my hand–I slipping away to get dressed, thinking he’d be transported soon (as happened five times prior) and then, one more look of despair and my cries to him, “I love you” and gone–I am devastated beyond words and am using this forum to empty my heart and soul to strangers, because there is no one here I can share these details with and they don’t want to listen…I need strength and hope to get through this week…am trying to take each moment and look at the gift and blessing that Werner was to me and our family, instead of the pain of his death, but that is all easier said than done…I can barely look outside at the beauty of autumn–it’s all a reflection of one year ago. Sorry to ramble on…peace and love to you all…Janice in South Dakota

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  • Sandra

    October 24th, 2016 at 4:32 PM

    ..Janice..Eloquently written…Beautiful to read….You’ve captured it all…You ‘ve brought a lump to my throat….19 months and I’m still taken unawares…..Omg, I cannot believe it, I’m never ever going to see him again…The sinking feeling , the heart break…How will we survive this….I feel some days I’m moving forward, then the next day, back to square one…..God give us strength……Thanks for your post, from the UK…x

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  • Rebecca

    October 24th, 2016 at 8:46 PM

    thinking of you lots janice as we suffer together. i’m a mass of/mess of tears. wish we could talk some time…..the second year is going to be hard. thinking of you thinking of you. this is all too hard…..
    peace and love to you too……

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  • pat w

    October 25th, 2016 at 2:33 AM

    Janice Sandra and fellow sufferers your words echo mine. When the reality suddenly hits like a bolt from the blue it takes my breath away. Don’t think I will ever accept that he is gone. My personality has gone and like you all have no interest in anything. Can feel so mad that although David is no longer here everything carries on as normal. Can even feel agitated when I hear people laughing in the street. What have I become? Yes Sandra this is the only place I can voice my true feelings. No-one else wants to know. If I mention David even to the family they just gloss over it. Perhaps that’s why I prefer my own company and thoughts. Thanks to all for being a lifeline. Just wish there were answers to all this pain. Be as well as you can and thanks for sharing.

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  • Sandra

    October 25th, 2016 at 8:56 AM

    ..Yes Pat…We need to get it out…Why can’t people understand how we feel, because they are just not interested because it isn’t happening to them…Sympathy doesn’t last very long…..Had a weird day today….Just some days I feel him around me….Really….Today has been like that, coming in my head all the time, feeling like he’s around me…A tad annoyed at him because he’s left me ( even though he couldn’t help it )…I just keep thinking, he’s not the only one that’s been robbed of his retirement, I have too….Stupid pointless life now, that’s how it feels….I feel happier on my own at the minute, I don’t like to say it, but I can’t even be bothered with my grandchildren…Miles loved seeing them, when they come here, it just reminds me he’s gone…Hell on earth…x

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  • pat w

    October 31st, 2016 at 12:46 PM

    Sandra my children never visit so I don’t see the grandchildren either. David and I looked after them so much. I understand where you are coming from. I know it sounds selfish but don’t actually miss them. Just miss David . We were one unit. Am existing but not living. Just too sad.

  • pat w

    October 31st, 2016 at 12:41 PM

    Feeling really down tonight. Can’t stop the tears. 23 weeks on Wednesday and can’t believe he’s gone. I miss him so so much. I am a wreck.Still got so much of his art to sort through. I am lost. Want him back in my life so badly it hurts…………..

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  • Annie

    October 31st, 2016 at 3:42 PM

    Hi Pat. I know how you feel. It’s been six months since I lost my husband. It’s been a very hard few days. I am missing him so much and like you just want him back. I have been crying a lot the last few days. Sometimes it really it’s me hard. I will be praying for you for strength and some comfort. That’s what will get us through this journey. Just have faith.

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  • Sandra

    October 31st, 2016 at 4:51 PM

    ….Pat…the kids have been off school this week….I deliberately did not ask to see them….Every time they come, it just brings it home to me I am on my own..Miles loved to see the kids…I know they miss him, I used to say to him, I do all the doing and you do all the playing , that’s why they like you…I keep feeling up and down still 19 months in..I reckon this is how it will remain….He’s there in my thoughts the whole day…He drifts away for a while if I get engrossed in anything, but it’s not long before he’s back…I was just thinking today..I don’t ever want to forget him, I’m glad I still think about him all the time….I pass Pirelli every other day where he worked, I can see him standing waving at me from the pavement, like he did when I dropped him off for work…I’m sorry your kids don’t come so much, I see my son every week at some point…He said to me when Miles died, I’ll come and see you often ( which amazed me, because our relationship has never been great since he was 15 )….He comes as well to use my garage for storage for his work….It’s an awful thing to say, but sometimes I just can’t be bothered with him…The longer this is going on, the happier I am on my own…I just keep getting flashbacks of when we were younger together, he truly was the best thing that ever happened to me ( apart from my son)….But if Miles hadn’t been here , I wouldn’t have my son….Believe me Pat, I know how you feel…we all keep saying that to each other, but it’s so true….Bloody ( probably get deleted )…awful for us all…..x

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  • Connie

    November 4th, 2016 at 11:32 PM

    My sweet husband went to Heaven on September 17, 2016. He was just my everything. He had Dementia and had lost most of his eyesight. He depended on me to care for him, but was still just the sweetest man on earth even with his challenges. He told me many times a day that he loved me and if I didn’t answer shortly after he told me he would say…”Did you tell me you loved me?” Sometimes I was just about to answer him and sometimes I had already told him, but he apparently didn’t hear me. We fell asleep at night holding hands and never were apart except when he was hospitalized. I don’t know of any couple as close as we were for the nearly 31 years of marriage. Neither one of us really wanted to go anyplace without the other. My sweetie had a stroke and a heart attack simultaneously and seemed to be doing well enough to go to Rehab. That was a total disaster. He received very little care of any sort and got weaker rather than stronger. The nursing home released him 12 days after he entered the facility, since they claimed he was not responding. He was home a little over two days and drank his thicken liquids constantly once home. He ate very little, but had the pureed foods and was not fond of them….naturally. I had to call for an ambulance after having him here only two days. He never came home again. He was gone for six weeks before he passed away. My heart is so broken. I am completely alone here every day. I work from home so don’t have the advantage of getting out to see other people. I found myself going out to deliver my voting ballot and going to a farm market, just to be with people yesterday. I simply can’t stop crying the biggest share of the day. Even my prayers before meals makes me cry, since my Sweetie asked the Blessing for us most of the time. I find it difficult to eat meals alone so rush through them. It used to be enjoyable to have meals together and have conversation or watch TV together while we had dinner in front of the TV. I can’t figure out what to do with my life and sure just want to be with my husband. The happiest part of my life is over. I am no longer with my Sweetie and there will be no one that can even compare to him. He was such a great husband that people commented he should give lessons! He was my best friend and my life. I talk to him all day long telling him all of the things I want him to know and reminding him how much I love him. Love does not end because someone is not here with me. Our love is everlasting. Everyone that knows us knows how close we have always been. This live alone is just so far from my life with my husband. He was a brave man and served in the Navy, Army and Coast Guard. He was greatly honored at his funeral. He had the Honor Guard from all three branches as well as the American Legion. I am glad he had such honors and I think about how meaningful his service and military honors was, but then start crying again…..because he is gone. I miss him almost every minute of every day. Life is miserable at this time. I am lost.

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  • Annie

    November 5th, 2016 at 1:51 PM

    Hi Connie. I feel for you. I lost my husband April 25th from the flu. He was in ICU for 10 days. I t will be seven months this month and it seems this last month has been a lot harder. He and I were like you and your husband. We were inseparable. He was my whole life. I also talk to him all the time and start crying out of nowhere. Such a tough journey and only God and our faith will get us through each day. Don’t be afraid to show your feelings. It does help. It can be exhausting but it does relieve some of the pain for the moment. My life will never be the same but I cling to the time I was blessed with him. It was far too short but unfortunately God had a reason. God Bless you and I will be praying for you.

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  • pat w.

    November 6th, 2016 at 8:26 AM

    David left me on 25/5/16. He was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and had major surgery and got the all clear.He was fine until March this year when they diagnosed a brain tumour. An operation followed which went well. 2 days later while recovering in hospital he had a bleed on the brain and another operation. The result was like a stroke. Apart from physio rehab was almost non existent. I went every day to the hospital and took him out of the ward round the cafe and grounds and he was really coming on speech, co-ordination, memory etc… He was in hospital for 53 days then released home.We were both so excited. It was brilliant to have him here in our own bed, eating together, watching TV together. We were happy again. 17 days later he suddenly collapsed with a pulmonary embolism in my arms. I am lost and broken as you are Connie. Think the first couple of weeks I was numb but now so unhappy and sad. Not a minute goes by I don’t think of him and cry every day. Autumn was his favourite time of the year and it breaks my heart to look at the changing colours from our window. Like you we spent all our time together apart from the days I worked.Even then he met me for lunch and collected me at night. As I have told a bereavement councilor I am existing not living. If only the doctors had given him blood thinners. I moisturized his legs every day and put compression stockings on him . I have challenged the doctors but they close ranks. GP surgery blames the hospital and vice versa. The ache is so so bad it’s indescribable. I have been posting here since May and don’t feel quite so alone in this world.and helps me realise I am not crazy just bereft. Nothing much interests me know and although they are sad posts in some strange way I look forward to reading them. Hopefully Connie you will also be able to share your true feelings (like you can’t elsewhere as people tire of hearing how sad you are). It is not morbid but the truth on this site which is appreciated by many. Sorry I can’t provide hope or words of wisdom in your darkest time but suffice to say you are not alone.

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  • Debbie

    November 5th, 2016 at 2:41 PM

    Dear Connie, I know how you feel, I lost my Louie on September 15, 2015 and after reading your message I feel we were like 4 peas in a pod, I feel exactly as you do, life is very hard without my love, we were always together as you were, no one will ever replace him, he was my love, my friend, my everything, I understand life has to go on but it is very difficult without your one and only. Today was very hard because I had a little bit of carprentar work to do and I finally did it by myself because he showed me the essentials but the tears flowed galore. I find it very hard and am very lonesome. I feel one day we will meet again and this is what is keeping me going. Debbie

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  • Sandra

    November 6th, 2016 at 4:09 AM

    ….So sorry for your loss Connie…None of our lives will be the same again….I too talk to my husband all the time, it helps…He’s been gone nearly 20 months, it feels like he left me yesterday..I miss him so much, we were soulmates, together since teenage years….It’s a sad existence at the minute for us all…Once again, so sorry…x

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    November 7th, 2016 at 11:39 AM

    hi old friends and not yet met ones. yesterday we had a graveside ceremony and dedicated the stone. tomorrow is the actual jewish year anniv of my beloved’s death. yesterday went well but at home at the end of it all i was sobbing on a good woman’s shoulder. in bed now with cats just tired and sad. got to just rest and be sad. it will never end. scared of the 2nd year. want what we had. a shared life. mutual unconditional love. said all this before. despondent now. to rest seems all i can do. at least i fed a cat and gave her a shot. soon i might find food for me but now at 138 pm all i want to do is lie back down in the covers. all there is is sadness and the persistent yearning for and grieving of my beloved steve. best to you all…i am lost….thanks

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  • Jeff

    November 7th, 2016 at 1:14 PM

    The science-based, non-profit Forever Family Foundation has an excellent workbook called
    “Love Knows No Death.’ It’s $10 and was written by an Italian/Scottish doctor. It is very well done. Our grief comes from two places, basically: The physical and permanent loss of the person, and the the concept that they are gone forever. Nothing can be done about the first part, but Dr. Parisetti asks how you would feel if you KNEW that the person was still with you, loved you, and was aware of you. Would that help a little? I think it would.

    foreverfamilyfoundation.org/site/grief_and_loss

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  • Janice

    November 10th, 2016 at 7:26 PM

    To Sandra, Pat, Rebecca and newcomers–well, new revelations to share since my last post on Oct. 24th. I took the time to re-read everything I have written since last year and can only conclude that I was truly numb and in shock for several months–because now, after having passed the one year mark on the 29th, I’m now experiencing panic and anxiety for the first time–it feels as if my body is just weighted down in cement and my inertia and lack of interest have not disappeared. I don’t cry as much, but the physical ache is stronger and I still feel as if Werner’s death was just yesterday–I can’t grasp the magnitude of time in this regard–he is simply gone and I am still in anguish.
    However, spending the weekend with our daughter and her 15-month old was somewhat healing and I am honestly starting to accept that the only way I can be adjust to this tremendous loss is to love my family and friends and try to engage in something meaningful each day. I will tell you that I went to bed at 8 pm on Election Day, did not listen to news and did end up crying for Werner–he loved the process of American politics and we always watched election coverage (since I was 20!) with all of its bumps and bruises–the house this time was so quiet and empty,,,
    Well, it just comes down to this–we are all changed. We will never be who we were and there is absolutely no preparation when the loss of your most precious spouse occurs–nothing! I really do not like my life, despite my new idea that things might improve–such an overwhelming emptiness and despair. My best to you all–my each day give you some peace and understanding–we all know what each of us is going through and that is a comfort to me to express myself here…

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  • Annie

    November 11th, 2016 at 5:43 AM

    Hi Janice. As I read your post I was thinking of how these seven months have changed me so much. It seems this last month has been the hardest. I still go to work everyday but the emptiness and loneliness seems far greater. I was like you on election night I went to bed early. Bill and I would always watch the results together. I know my life will never be the same and I can’t do anything other than accept it and go on loving him and cherishing his memories. I still often think I’m going to wake up and find this never happened. So sad to lose someone so precious to us. God Bless you all. We will certainly need His blessings with the holidays coming up.

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  • Sandra

    November 11th, 2016 at 6:20 AM

    ..Hi Janice…Loved reading your post, you’re absolutely right , our lives are changed now forever….I’m at 20 months, I’ve finally accepted the fact that Miles has gone forever….I still cry too, out of the Blue for no reason…I still think about him 24/7…Still good and bad days….Can feel him round me, I don’t care if it’s all in my head, it’s a comfort..I don’t think I’ll ever be any different now, this is it, just living my life, (or existing, which ever way you want to look at it ) wishing for my old life back…On a plus side ( if there is one ) I’m getting used to coping with household problems on my own….I’m trying not to look to far into the future, I find that quite depressing….And yes, even though none of us know each other really, it’s a great comfort to share our thoughts on here….All be well…x

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  • pat w.

    November 13th, 2016 at 11:35 AM

    Hi Annie and all. It seems this existence is not getting easier for any of us. I also go to work every day but reality hits as soon as I am on way home and often cry all the way and definitely when I walk in the house. David’s not there. It’s horrendous. My daughter has been in touch a little bit more although I am still slotted in. If i mention her dad she glosses over it which I find so hard especially the fact not one of our 3 children acknowledged his birthday on 16th September. Also feel I am reluctant to build a bond with her baby as am not sure I will be around much longer or maybe it’s wishful thinking.Have let the family know I will not be celebrating Christmas this year. We first got together 20th December 1974 – how I wish we could be back there. Like you all don’t look the future. We always had plans, holidays family house improvements the garden etc… Now no interest in anything. So sad and unhappy. If only I could feel his hug once more….. You are all my lifeline so thanks for being there x

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  • Sandra

    November 13th, 2016 at 12:54 PM

    ..Hi Pat….I know, I know….We all put a brave face on, but when we are home alone behind closed doors it’s a different story….Laying in the bath tonight thinking yet again about Miles as per….I don’t understand how people move on and find someone else after years and years together with that one…That special one…I could never feel comfortable with anyone else….I still consider myself married to Miles, he just happens to be dead….That doesn’t change how I feel about him….I’ve got to be honest, after 20 months I do feel better, but still deflated and sad…My eldest sister keeps asking me if I’m depressed, which I’m not…just empty inside….It’s difficult with kids ( even adult kids )…They don’t get it, don’t be to offended by it….They are full of their own lives like we were once…If I could feel like that again, just fractionally, that would do…xxx

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  • graham

    November 13th, 2016 at 12:48 PM

    hello pat and all. I have read your post and its confirmed to me. that I’m not going mad. the thing is its getting harder I’m missing my Tricia with a heavy heart I too have no interest in anything at all why would I . all I want is Tricia back with me I know that’s not possible its so hard . thank god for this site and all who write on it .

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  • Sandra

    November 14th, 2016 at 9:45 AM

    ….You’re not going mad Graham, you’re bereft like the rest of us….I’ve come to terms with Miles gone now, but miss him so much as you miss your Tricia….It’s a very sobering thought to think I might feel like this for the rest of my life, day in day out in varying degrees…If I get days when I feel in a reasonably good mood, I feel guilty for feeling that way…I know it’s almost impossible at the minute, but, try and stay strong…x

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  • graham

    November 15th, 2016 at 1:12 AM

    thank you so much Sandra for your kind words its nice to know someone is out there who understands the agony of all this your words and thoughts .echo my plight x

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  • Jeff

    November 15th, 2016 at 7:39 AM

    It’s the “gift” of pain that keeps on giving. I lost my girlfriend, the love of my life, to breast cancer in June of this year. I did everything I could to save her – nutritionists, acupuncture, naturopaths, research, supplements, Chinese medicine, etc. I even hired a MMJ oil consultant and gave her oil in her last month. I am not religious at all, and neither was she, but she had friends coming over all the time to pray for her and beg for her life to be saved. Instead, I could only watch while she deteriorated before I lost her.
    No caring, loving God would ever put such a good person through all that, take her life, and then wreck my life and others who cared about and love her (I still do, of course).

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  • Sandra

    November 15th, 2016 at 3:45 PM

    ….Hi Jeff…I’m so so sorry about your girlfriend…..Yes, the gift of pain, we are all in receipt of that…It’s so hard to bear, but it is the price we pay for love…It so wears us all down….You absolutely did your best for her…My husband had Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis ( Lung Disease ) for over 5 years…We both lived with the fact that it was incurable…He was such a good man, he didn’t deserve it, it robbed him ( and me) of our retirement together…That is the part I feel so bitter about, he worked hard all of his life …To be dealt a blow like this was devastating for us both…..We’ve all got a story…..Hang on in…You’re not alone…x

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  • Annie

    November 16th, 2016 at 7:19 AM

    Hi Sandra. I know the feeling. It’s seven months on the 25th and I seem to miss him even more. I feel like you do that we’ve worked so hard and we’re so looking forward to our retirement and then he died of the flu. It seems so cruel but I know God has a plan. Sometimes I just get angry because I don’t understand but the iknow that’s where faith steps in. Yes my life is forever changed and some days I don’t want to get up and face the world but I know I’m left behind for a reason. I just pray God gives me all the strength I need to continue to move forward. I know He will but unfortunately the pain is always there. God Bless you.

  • Jeff

    November 16th, 2016 at 8:59 AM

    Thank you, Sandra. I am so very sorry to hear about your husband. They say that grief is love turned inside out, and I believe it. Wow, what a price we’re paying…

  • pat w

    November 16th, 2016 at 11:49 AM

    Hi Jeff so sorry for your loss. I have never heard that saying ‘grief is loved turned inside out’ but really describes the unbearable pain. It’s 25 weeks ago today for me and I feel it just gets harder the longer it is since we last hugged and spoke. It was a sudden pulmonary embolism and don’t think I will ever get over the shock. Every week (especially the Wednesdays) is like groundhog day as I relive our last week together. We got together on 20th December 1974 so almost 42 years. I know I will never recover or be the same person again as half of me (the better half) has died. Every day a struggle and brave face at work but as soon as I am home tears. It is not a pleasant existence at all but good we can share and listen to each other on this site. My lifeline. Take care all x

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  • Jeff

    November 16th, 2016 at 1:25 PM

    Hi Pat. I am very sorry to read about what you’re dealing with. I can’t imagine. Well, I can, but I don’t know for sure… I feel for you. One thing that helped me is “Love Knows No Death.” I was put together by an Italian/Scottish doctor, and is available on the science-based, non-profit Forever Family Foundation’s web site. It’s in the “grief” session. It’s the best $10 I have ever spent. It is NOT about moving on. Instead, it’s about the concept that they are still with us. Please look at this video: youtube.com/watch?v=2Xlza3iMqr0&t=6s

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  • Sandra

    November 16th, 2016 at 2:30 PM

    …Yes Pat….Weird situation…20 months and out of the blue, stinging eyes , tears, just wanting to touch and feel him again, pull his hair for a joke again just to annoy him…I kept a lock of his hair, I’m so glad I did…( stupid thing is, I cut from a place where it wouldn’t be noticed )…I had him at home in his coffin like I promised him…I told him I would put him in his extension that he built…He doubled the size of the house, he was so clever with his hands…I miss the sound of his voice…I play little vids we made from when we babysat the kids to school age just to hear his voice….I’m a bit low at the minute, tired, fed up….God, I hate this……Wiping tears away as we speak…I thought I’d met the turning point, obviously not…..God give us strength…..x

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  • Annie

    November 16th, 2016 at 2:54 PM

    Hi Pat. Seven months on the 25th of this month. It is so heartbreaking. I was suppose to spend the rest of my life with him not the other way around. We were always so happy to have each other. He died suddenly with the flu. As you said I go to work each day and try to keep myself together but when I get in the car after work the tears flow. My life will never be the same. I cling to all the precious memories. God Bless you.

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  • alice H

    November 20th, 2016 at 8:29 PM

    Hi my name is Alice. I was married to my husband when I was 16. My husband of 38 years passed away when I was driving him to the hospital with a massive heart attack 18 months ago. Now on Monday My Mom died in her sleep. I buried her Thursday. I live alone in our home with 2 cats in the woods with few people around. I do have children and grandchildren who live near by, but they have their own lives. What do I do now I am so lonely.

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  • pat w

    November 21st, 2016 at 12:14 PM

    Hi Alice so sorry for you. Like you I had been with my husband since I was 17. Will be 42 years next month. He was suddenly taken from me in my arms on 25th May this year. I wish I could tell you it’s got easier but it’s actually got worse for me. I don’t see much of our children and have even come to accept that. Prefer my own company where I can let the tears flow any time. My only little piece of normality is going to work every day. An effort to go but passes the time and helps make me tired. I also don’t live in the town and it’s very quiet but thats why we liked it.Like you I have never been an adult without him. Just doesn’t feel right. Nothing will ever be the same so beginning to accept I will be sad for the rest of my life. Hope you fair better than me and others on this site but know you are not alone. Take care.

  • Sandra

    November 21st, 2016 at 1:36 PM

    …Hi Alice…I’m so very sorry for both your losses….Life is indeed cruel at times….I too was with my husband from 15, he was 17, married at 19 and 44 yrs of marriage before he left me 20 months ago….We all know your feelings….I’m sorry you feel so lonely….I only have one son, I don’t want to burden him….I try my hardest not to bother him and I’ve told him that…You’re right , they’ve got their own lives….We’re happy to listen any time you feel the need to off load…..x

  • Debbie

    November 16th, 2016 at 2:06 PM

    It is two months since I lost my husband, it is getting harder by the day, I dread the holidays, I feel like crying all the time. We worked all our lives like many of you for our retirement and this is what happens, I don’t understand why, I often question myself this question. My two kids are very upset also and why is their question too. I often wonder how I am going to be able to keep going without him. We were always together. Life is hard. It helps to be in this group and know that I am not alone in this, and knowing that I have family with me is grest even though we live miles apart.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    November 16th, 2016 at 5:49 PM

    hi everybody. i haven’t posted here for a while. my beloved steve died 56 weeks and one day ago, suddenly, and i am not a bit “better”—if anything i am worse. there is no one but him and he is gone. my cats are a comfort but they are cats. i feel so alone and there are bits -tiny bits- of calm or even something approaching a smile but mostly i feel a great increase in despair as time moves on. i need to take care of business, get my will done. get his and my papers to archives. it seems to me that most of the time i am suffering and i do not want to go on like this for long. as i said i have things to do. but it is all suffering. thanks for listening. i /we could have/should have saved his life by getting care….then he would have found out it wasn’t indigestion it was a heart attack and he would have survived it and we would both be alive and well and together now. my life is with steve. i cannot go on without him. really . not for long……i think i will just collapse one day……..i wish we could both be alive now and enjoy and do so much but without him…no. not without him. i can’t. i really can’t.not for long….. you know? you know

    Reply

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    November 16th, 2016 at 9:38 PM

    Dear Rebecca,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • pat w

    November 17th, 2016 at 12:41 PM

    Just wondering if anyone on here feels so detached that they seem to push people away. Either that or others cannot bear to be around the sadness. Not sure which way it is, As time has gone on feel more and more I just want to be alone. My daughter actually visited me a week ago. She said she had a short time but then her friend canceled a lunch date so she stayed for 4 hours with her new baby.After a couple of hours felt I was watching the clock thinking it was long enough. I walked about the house with my granddaughter and although she is only tiny spoke to her about the photos of her granddad in the bedroom and just felt so so sad. He was so looking forward to meeting her. He was a photographer and the last photo he took was of her bump. Sorry tears flowing too much to type. Thanks to you all for being here.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    November 17th, 2016 at 2:27 PM

    ..Hi Pat…Yes, I was only thinking about half an hour ago, the less I see of people, the less I want to see them…Even when my son comes, usually on a Friday, after a couple of hours, I start thinking, when’s he going…I’ve had a bad week this week, I think it’s because I’ve felt quite tired…Always seem to feel worse if I’m tired or a bit off….I just keep saying to myself..Please god, let me keep my health….I can’t stand the thought of getting old ( but I’ve always thought that way )…especially now I’m on my own. I can’t stand the thought of losing my independence….I don’t want to be a burden on anyone…Now I’m on my own, it seems to be preying on my mind more….My granddaughters miss their Granda, I can tell…They’re not quite the same when they come here ( unless it’s my imagination)….It must be heartbreaking having to try and bond with the baby when you feel like you do and your heart and mind are not there…..x

    Reply

  • Jeff

    November 17th, 2016 at 4:52 PM

    Pat, I am really sorry to hear what you’re going through. This is so hard. It doesn’t help you, but you’re not alone.

    Reply

  • Rebecca S. R.

    November 17th, 2016 at 5:19 PM

    oh pat no one wants to be around the sadness. i hate being alone and i want to be alone. really i want to be with steve. only steve. i can’t stand this can’t take it do not know how to do anything but cry and feel like this is suffering….and feel sad for my beloved’s lost life and our lost shared life and our future together. cannot imagine a solution to this…but turning back time which is impossible….all i want is what we had. oh tears flow all the time oh pat oh all of us….. beyond sad

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  • pat w

    November 20th, 2016 at 11:14 AM

    Hi all. Nearing the end of another long Sunday. My son popped out for a wee while in the morning. He can’t understand when I am so unhappy why I don’t go out to visit family/friends. It’s difficult to explain. Everything is such an effort. Even going to work Mon – Fri . Not only that but if I am on my own I can cry when I want and feel sad when I want. No effort required. The tears come on so suddenly and I don’t have to try and stop them. Several times today. Also have toothache today so will have to phone dentist tomorrow. Another huge effort. When David was here nothing was an effort. I am already wondering if I should bus to work tomorrow as freezing fog but then no way of getting to dentist if I don’t have my car. Strange how these things which were so petty before are suddenly mountains to climb. It still takes my breath away when I realise I will never see/speak/hug him again. It would have been 42 years this month. I am inconsolable. Physically I am not so well but don’t even care. No interest left. If we could have just one more day. If only……….

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  • Sandra

    November 21st, 2016 at 10:54 AM

    ..Yes Pat…They don’t understand…It’s 20 months for me now..My son was very attentive at first, but I think that was more for him…he’s never lost anyone before. I said to him at the time, it’s ok, I’m ok ( which I wasn’t really, but tried to spare him the pressure, he’s an only one )…Now he’s got himself back together ( or that’s how it appears, but who knows ) He seems to think I should be ok by now…little does he know. I’ve just half an hour ago been hugging Miles photo in the kitchen and talking to him. I can get the same feeling around me as when he was here..it’s strange, maybe I’ve just got a good imagination, who cares as long as it comforts me….Yes, I too enjoy being on my own now, more and more by the day, feeling and doing exactly what I want without being scorned upon….Yes, what was easy before is not so easy now….I even come down the stairs sideways so I don’t fall…Silly little things I didn’t think about before when Miles was here or I knew he was coming in from work….When I go out, lock the windows open upstairs in case I don’t come back…They are tiny windows and I always left them open before when I went out because Miles was in or coming in….It’s a whole new ball game isn’t it…I keep forgetting little things, basically because my mind is preoccupied with my situation…Have you managed to put any weight on Pat..I’m not eating as well now, I don’t care…I was never that bothered about food anyway…No fun shopping for one, everything’s to much to eat…As time goes on, I’m finding myself not even being bothered about going out anywhere…I’m not depressed or anything, I just cannot be bothered, had the wind taken from my sails…..We’re a sad lot at the minute aren’t we, surely it will get better…It’s got to…x

    Reply

  • pat w

    November 21st, 2016 at 12:33 PM

    Hi Sandra it’s good (if that’s the word) to hear from a fellow sufferer. I have not managed to put on weight not that anyone’s bothered any more. My daughter actually messaged me to say it was my choice not to eat and maybe I don’t want to get better. A bit harsh (especially in a text) but maybe she’s right. Anyway I don’t care really just like I don’t care about much. The person I have become is nothing like the person I was. I very rarely look in a mirror but when I do I don’t recognise myself. Even physically I have changed. I was going to stop smoking before our trip to India at the end of March (which never happened due to David’s illness). Now I sit and chain smoke . I went to the dentist today and she said I should stop smoking. Really? I just don’t care any more. Only went to dentist to get rid of pain. Don’t actually think I would be missed by anyone but have so much of David’s art to sort out. This is my only goal in life. Like you Sandra we always had windows open during the night but now they are locked. When it was very cold David would air the house in the morning while I was at work then have it nice and cosy for me coming home. A friend said ‘he did a lot for you’ like I was being needy but it was a partnership in which we both helped each other. His strengths together with mine made us a unit.We were one. Neither taking each other for granted but appreciating each other. Some people just don’t get it. It was a bond which I miss more and more each day. Where do we all go from here. I truly don’t know but I do know time is not a healer. Apologies for negativity. My friend seems to think I should be around positive people to help make me positive. She just doesn’t understand. Thank you Sandra for caring and to everyone else on this page dealing with this existence.

  • Carole

    November 21st, 2016 at 7:34 PM

    @Alice…..I’m sorry for your losses. I lost my husband of 42 years a year again, and my only sister a year before that. I understand your lonliness. I have no kids or any family now and only a couple of friend’s. I have no advice…I know I am going to have to force myself to get out and make more friends and get involved in life. But I am an introvert so it’s very hard. If I let myself I guess I could become a bit isolated.
    This will be my first Thanksgiving alone. I am cooking myself a turkey breast and then I will go to the movies alone or lay in bed and watch dvds. Sending you a hug.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    November 22nd, 2016 at 3:39 PM

    Hi Valerie and Carole…All I want to say is, I’m so sorry for your losses, there’s not a lot more to say to be honest…We all know how you feel, we are all going through the same torture….All devastated at the position we have been left in…And yes, the biggest questions ever, Why….Why us…..Why now?…..My thoughts are with you both…..x

    Reply

  • Annie

    November 22nd, 2016 at 4:21 PM

    Hi Sandra. So well put. No one can understand unless they have gone through it. It’s seven months on the 25th and the pain is worse. I keep praying I will feel some relief. I never could have imagined anything so horrific could have happened. Thank God for my faith. Thank you for your post.

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  • Sandra

    November 23rd, 2016 at 10:02 AM

    Annie…You are welcome, I only speak the awful truth….We are here to try and comfort each other in any way we can….It’s a slog for sure, keep wishing my time away hoping I’ll reach a point where it’s remotely bearable…..x

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  • Annie

    November 23rd, 2016 at 11:47 AM

    I know exactly how you feel. I don’t even remember normal anymore. I will be praying for our group on Thanksgiving. It’s going to be a hard day.

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  • pat w

    November 23rd, 2016 at 11:50 AM

    Hi all sad people. Having a really low night. 26 weeks ago today and pain is worse than ever, What can we do apart from support each other. Don’t think it will ever get better. Actually sure it wont – how can it? Thanks for being there.

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  • Sandra

    November 23rd, 2016 at 2:55 PM

    ….I’m coming up to my 2nd Xmas without him…I cannot believe it…It’s like it happened last week, so strange…I’d do anything to see him walk through the door….I’d do anything to have him back, but not with the Fibrosis, would be pointless, he lasted longer than expected, for which I am eternally grateful..I don’t know what it feels like to know you haven’t got long left ( but I know I’ll be there one day, as we all will )…I just treat him normally, didn’t want to treat him like a little sick puppy and make him feel emasculated as well….It’s all the more to think about and drive us mad as well…..Hard…x

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  • Janice

    November 23rd, 2016 at 6:39 PM

    Thanks to all of you for posting–I’m not keeping up very well–sadness and sympathy to the newcomers and gratitude to my “old”‘and steady sufferers, Sandra and all for writing the words that resonate with me–I have now decided that I will probably plod through the rest of my days with this weird, half-aware state of mind, but I will admit that I feel somewhat more at peace and have found some calmness in my heart and soul. That is not to say that I don’t still weep inconsolably–I am with son and family for the week and just looking at these precious little lives is just unbearable–Werner loved them so very much and they have been denied having this remarkable man as their grandfather. My son is still holding it all inside and just will not talk about his dad with me–his loss is as great as mine, but I am learning to live alone (for the first time in my life) but he is raising a family. But there are still some bigger issues going on with me–the whole question of why, what is death and how I feel I failed him during those early morning seconds of life and death. It will haunt me forever thinking he’d be here if I had been quicker–and the , the next day, I realize his heart was indeed not strong enough to go on. I miss him and only wish to have our life together back–a thought each of you has also expressed as well. My 2nd Thanksgiving now without him–the night before he died he asked if our son was coming home for the holiday–and instead of telling him they were all coming, I stupidly said, “No, just David, because his wife couldn’t get time off–or something which caused Werner such disappointment–I could have given him the joyful thought of seeing his family agai with just a few different words. Death is so freaking final–I can still barely believe it all. I’m sorry–I am just rambling–13 months–who could have known this anguish? But peace and love to you all–there are so many of us!

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  • Rich

    November 24th, 2016 at 4:35 AM

    Janice:
    Death is only final to those that believe it is.
    Rich

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  • Jeff

    November 24th, 2016 at 7:32 AM

    This is an awful place to be in, especially now, but there are many of us who do not believe that death is final.

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  • Sandra

    November 24th, 2016 at 1:19 PM

    ..I truly hope death is not final…I told Miles, you’ll still be here, just in a different place…Just wait for me…I cannot relate to him in the Cemetery…As soon as I walk in the door back home, I can feel him in here…Yes Janice..very good description…..half-aware state of mind…that’s exactly how I feel all of the time. My son told me earlier I’d forgotten to do something for him, to which I replied, I can’t think about your Dad all day long and remember everything else as well….That sent him quiet, I got no answer back….He can’t quite grasp the fact that his father and I just about grew up together….How long does it take to get over ( or come to terms with ) losing someone you’ve spent the majority of your life with….x

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  • pat w.

    November 25th, 2016 at 12:31 PM

    Hi all. Both my husband and I felt death was final. We all have our own beliefs but doesn’t change the unbearable pain. Like you Sandra David and I grew up together. I am 59 and was with him for 42 years. There is no recovery from this loss. I live in Scotland so we don’t have thanksgiving. My daughter was on the phone today and invited me to Christmas dinner. I said no as I won’t be celebrating Christmas. Her reply was if I didn’t go it would be so hard on her. I told her I am doing what’s right for me after all I spend every Sunday sitting on my own. It’s just another day. I know it sounds harsh but just the way I feel. Even my psychiatrist says that for want of a better word ‘it’s normal to feel this way’. I am bereft and have been since the last day I spent with David. Seem to cry more than ever and comes on me so suddenly takes me unawares. Apart from my psychiatrist and you guys on here nobody gets it. No point in even mentioning how I feel to anyone. Makes this page even more important to me. A place to share with no judgment. So grateful to you all.Heartfelt thanks.

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  • Sandra

    November 26th, 2016 at 1:21 PM

    Yes Pat…Do what’s best for you..I won’t be at my son’s for Xmas dinner either..I don’t speak to his partner ( long story)…No Xmas dinner either, I made myself a chicken dinner the first Xmas, I won’t be this year…I’m not interested…Anything will do….I’d rather be on my own….Probably have a Microwave meal ( which I’ve never bothered with before )….It’s only food, it’s a means to an end…Yes, you’ll get all the emotional blackmail out of her, take no notice….We used to buy a big tree right up to the ceiling…Miles got it in his trailer…I’ve been reduced to a 2ft artificial one ( which I don’t mind )..My son even said to me I wouldn’t bother with a tree….And he’s stringing lights on his house a month before Xmas….They just don’t see….They’re all the same Pat…x

  • Annie

    November 24th, 2016 at 5:55 PM

    Hi Jeff. Amen. That’s what gets me through each day knowing I will be with my wonderful husband again spending eternity with him

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    November 24th, 2016 at 9:08 PM

    dear cyber friends, dear suffering grievers, it’s 11 pm thanks giving day will end then it’s steve’s birthday, the second one he won’t see. i’m early in the 2nd year of this misery. our shared life was so wonderful. now i live in perma sad. perma beyond sad. how to endure it? it feels like suffering to me and i don’t see any option that is healthy….you know? best to you all…i haven’t been on for a while. cuidado.

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  • Carole

    November 25th, 2016 at 3:46 PM

    Janice stop blaming yourself for your husband’s death. You must accept that we All will die one day and when God’s appointed day for us to die comes there is nothing or anyone who can stop it.

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  • Sandra

    November 27th, 2016 at 4:39 AM

    Carole..I agree….I’ve always said ( even before Miles got ill )…When that book is opened and your name is on that page, that is it….When I get low, I get this little voice in my head telling me, he’s gone, he’s not coming back, but, one day you would have been in the exact same position you are now ( I new instinctively he would not outlive me )….He has been, had his turn, now he is gone…I told him, it’s not like you’ve been singled out, you’re not getting anything anyone else isn’t going to get…( just my way of trying to help him make sense of it all )…It’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all…So they say…x

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  • Rich

    November 27th, 2016 at 2:43 PM

    Sandra:
    You are right about it’s better to have loved and lost than not loved at all.
    That phrase has been on my mind. Finally about a week ago I woke up from a dream in which Janet and I never married but drifted apart after dating for a while. It was one of those dreams that you are shocked awake and spend a minute or two thinking is this reality or just a dream? Thankfully it was just a dream but I can tell you the thought was quite upsetting. Foe me that dream made me more grateful for Janet (if that is even possible). Plus the fact that I will see her again helps me.
    Rich

  • Sandra

    November 26th, 2016 at 1:02 PM

    Mary Crawford…I am so, so sorry about your husband…Omg…53, poor both of you….What a shock for you…My husband was ill for over 5 yrs before he died, I had come to terms fractionally with him dying before he did…It must be an horrendous shock for you…Talk to us anytime you feel the need…None of us likes to draw comfort from someone elses misery…but this site lets you realise you’re not alone…so to speak…xxx

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    November 27th, 2016 at 12:48 PM

    janice. no one should scold. we who blame ourselves. i would hope. do not want to say should. not very well today. wish this forum existed as a ….dial up. i wanna dial a widow today. i want my steve. i do not want to be a widow. i do not want to be here without my love. i am weeping and my digestion hurts. there are things to do but i am not getting them done. i am immobilized by grief. all i want is the life i shared with my living beloved. how many of us take how long to adjust. do we adjust or “just” remain silently mad. this is torture. this widow hood.
    may you fare better than do i, grievers….

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  • Annie

    November 28th, 2016 at 10:07 AM

    Rebecca. I know how you feel. So lonely and missing my love as well. It will be eight months in December and it seems like an eternity. The loneliness and emptiness is terrible but unfortunately we can’t change the situation. My faith gets me through even though it’s still very hard. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

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  • Sandra

    November 28th, 2016 at 4:18 PM

    …Rebecca…We all appreciate how you feel…Just go with the flow…It’s all you can do…There’s no turning back…Life sucks at times ..Big style….I don’t think this will ever end…But, day by day, without you realising it, you will come to terms….Just feel exactly how you want to feel…We’re all different….Just be you, in your own time….xxx

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  • Sandra

    November 28th, 2016 at 9:55 AM

    Rich…I get those very vivid dreams too…I’m so happy in my dream, thinking, he hasn’t gone at all, he’s still here, it wakes me up and takes 2 seconds to realise it was a dream, then my heart sinks again, but the dream makes him feel alive to me, so I’m happy he came to see me…It’s all very strange…..21 months, I still visualize him all over the house and in the garden, I can even see his funny little mannerisms he used to display….It’s all a comfort….x

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  • Kerry

    November 29th, 2016 at 1:09 AM

    On the 11th of November 2016 my partner and best friend of 22 years die in the hospice surrounded by his loving family. We tried to encourage him to leave the world behind and the pain he was in, and he gave two anguished moans as his heart stopped. His cancer which he fought for 4.5 years was over but now I well like my pain is only just beginning. Looking after him especially in the last 4 months I had little time to think of his impending death. We avoided talking about it and it was really only in the last few days before he lost consciousness and went to the hospice that he told me he had finally accepted death but it was the pain of leaving his loved ones behind that was the hardest part. It has been 10 days since the funeral and I have been going but to work part-time. But when I get home little thing makes me cry and I take sleeping pills to try and cut out the hurt. It is early days yet but not sure how long I can keep this up?

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  • Annie

    November 29th, 2016 at 8:39 AM

    I’m so sorry Kerry. It has been 7 months for me and it’s not an easy journey. I’ll pray for strength for you.

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  • Sandra

    November 29th, 2016 at 9:15 AM

    Kerry..I’m so sorry for your loss….it’s very early on for you, we all feel your pain…My husband was ill with IPF ( Lung Disease) for over 5 yrs..It was incurable..he did well to last that long, but that was him…He wasn’t a man of many words…all he said to me about it was…” It’s not the dying, it’s what you’re leaving behind “…he doted on our Granddaughters, all he wanted was to see them up, but alas isn’t wasn’t to be….I can say to you…stay strong, but they are just words….But please give yourself time and speak to us any time you want to vent…xxx

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  • pat w

    November 29th, 2016 at 12:44 PM

    So sorry to hear about so many new sufferers. Sandra I agree I will not give into emotional blackmail. My friend on the phone tonight said maybe I should go tp my daughters for Christmas dinner but I am adamant. My friends husband keeps comparing my situation with her husband leaving her many years ago but I say nothing. She doesn’t get it, It’s completely different and she actually hates him now. I’ve had a very bad last few days and find myself crying even more and even at work. Perhaps the fact I won’t see him again is becoming a reality as the seasons change. I don’t know. I do know I am becoming even less sociable and apart from going to work just want to be alone. Feeling detached from the rest of the world. Any enthusiasm I had for sorting through David’s stuff has diminished. No interest in anything at all.It’s perhaps I don’t want to be close even to family as I know I will be next to die. Maybe I am being selfish I don’t know but my thoughts are not good. I can’t share how I am feeling with anyone apart from on here. Just knowing I am not alone, mad or crazy helps loads. The director of the company I work with sought me out today and asked how I was doing and gave me a hug. Made me feel appreciated. First good feeling I’ve had in months since David died albeit fleeting. The ache and the feeling in the pit of my stomach never goes away. 27 weeks ago tomorrow and feel worse than ever. We were kindred spirits and only half of that left. Seems there is no purpose or aims or future anymore. Just struggle through each day waiting to die. Gosh I really am in a bad place just now. I don’t want to bring anyone down so may not post for a while but look forward to hearing from you all – my lifeline. A big thank you for sharing to everyone.

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  • Annie

    November 29th, 2016 at 3:33 PM

    Hi Pat. I know how you feel. It’s was 7 months on November 25th and it seems to be a lot harder. I also go to work each day but I can’t wait to get home and be by myself. It’s such a lonely journey and reality has definetly set in. I will keep you in my prayers for some peace and comfort. God Bless

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  • Sandra

    November 29th, 2016 at 4:30 PM

    ..Pat..Some days I feel like I have absolutely nothing left in me like yourself….You do whatever you have to do….Listen to yourself, not other people…Good luck to you…x

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  • Natalie

    December 3rd, 2016 at 8:57 AM

    My husband passed away exactly one month ago tomorrow. I am a young widow left with two young children. He was 50 and the first person. Have ever loved. I met him on 9/11/2001 in NYC. I knew right away it was something beyond special and so did he. We were married in 2006 and he died just 14 days after our ten year anniversary. Everyone is worried about me economically, but they shouldn’t , after all I worked before and I can work again. MY kids will be loved and fed and housed no matter what. But there is no one for me to hold a hand with, talk over the day, listen to me gripe about any issue or to comfort just with their presence in the room when power goes out etc. family tries to understand but can’t, and I can’t tell them how I feel cause then I will worry about them being too emotional and worried for me. I am happy to have my babies, to have a piece of him in each. I am just so sad that this is the new reality. He was the only one for me, I knew since childhood that I would find somebody, call it instinct or whatever, so I truly know that there is no one else for me. I will live and be happy for my children now, to make sure I give them what he wished and could not. Life is truly hard sometimes. I am not a bad person, not the best either as I have my faults. But I am still finding it hard to know why this has happened. I needed him, his children needed him and yet he was taken away so suddenly. An aneurysm stole him from me within hours. Hoping everyone finds some comfort in knowing they are not alone, that while we are not friends or relatives, we have each experienced something we wish we hadn’t and yet we need to remember life is a gift. Good luck and be strong. I will try to do the same.

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  • Sandra

    December 3rd, 2016 at 2:58 PM

    ..Hi Natalie….I’m so very sorry for your loss, I truly am….We all know how you feel, you are not alone….You sound like a very together person, I’m sure your children will keep you strong, they need you more than ever now…We are here to listen if you feel the need….Very best of luck to you and your children……x

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  • Mary 123

    December 7th, 2016 at 10:02 AM

    Hi All,
    Well i dont know about anybody else but i find groups and even the internet too distant.
    There is nothing more id like than to be able to talk on the phone one on one with some of you people.
    people need that personal connection

    Reply

  • Kaprice

    December 10th, 2016 at 6:22 AM

    Mary I completely agree with you. I lost my husband yesterday VERY unexpectedly at the age of 49. He was my world!! Saying I’m devastated is putting it mildly. I am very interested in talking on the phone as well. My sorrow and prayers to all of you and your families.

    Reply

  • Trina G.

    December 11th, 2016 at 6:11 AM

    Hi everyone,
    I want to extend my deepest condolences to all of u for ur loss…♥ My heart aches,reading all these comments :( Just a bit of background: I am a 50 year old mother of two adult children,as well as a recent Widow..I lost my Hubby of 18 years on October 8th.Chris was 65,and the love of my life.He was my best friend,and father of my son,and daughter.We met in 1992,Pasadena,Ca.,during the L.A. Riots.He was White,and I,Black,but it didn’t matter.He never saw my color,nor did I see his.I was a single and struggling Mom,staying with my sis at the time,and he was homeless by choice,as he had just lost his parents to cancer,as he had been caring for them.It had taken an emotional and psychological toll on him,and he later told me,he had to get away from it all,and just go into the mountains,where he loved being one,and at peace,with animals and nature…and died of heart n respiratory failure. :( He had been sick for a few weeks, with what seemed like a bout with mild pneumonia,with no fever.He had been coughing and throwing up phlegm,along with a loss of appetite.He had been a long time smoker as well,since he was about 8 years old,he told me.He did drink,but just beer every couple days,but had recently cut back.He was taking meds to control his blood pressure,cholesterol,and a low grade aspirin.As far as I know,he had never been diagnosed with a heart condition,or had an EKG,which I feel,should have been ordered,especially considering his history of smoking.I had been his caregiver as well,for over 12 years,and tried to get him to stop smoking,but like so many,he was addicted to nicotine,and it was just a lost cause,pretty much.The day my sweet Hubby passed away,has to be one of the saddest days of my life…On October 7th,I accompanied Chris to his Doc appointment,where he had a routine physical,that consisted of a hearing and vision exam,which took forever! I am so angry still at the clinic,for putting him through this,after we both waited in the exam room for over an hour for the Doc to come in.We had been to the Doctors a week before that,on September 29th,where,after a routine exam, he was told he had a “virus”,and was told to stop taking his bp meds,because his bp was so low.He was so weak that day,and tired,from not being able to sleep from coughing,vomiting the night before,so after the vision and hearing test,the Doc told him that he heard “a lotta junk” going on in his lungs,after listening to his breathing,and he was concerned,so he ordered an x-ray to see if he may have pneumonia.Chris was too tired to stay for the x-ray,and insisted that we go home,so he could rest.Keep in mind,we had been waiting in the waiting room for a long time,as well as in the exam room.He was very anxious and upset that it was taking so long,so he was just not going to stay any longer for the x-ray,which looking back now,I deeply regret I didn’t plead hard enough with him,to get the x-ray. :( I don’t know if it would’ve changed the outcome or not,but it still bothers me to this day. They scheduled the x-ray for that following Monday,October 10th,but sadly,he didn’t make it.:( Please keep in mind,my Hubby was very stubborn,and hated going to the docs for anything,or the hospital for that matter.He had been rubbing his chest area for a long time,for weeks,but because he had broken ribs,he always said that,that was the cause of it.Looking back now,I know it was his heart that was in distress,and weakening.Deep down,i believe he knew that,but didn’t want to acknowledge it,or worry me about it.He didn’t like to worry me,but I always told him,it’s OK,if u are hurting,let me know,please!!! I had been up with him for days,early wee hours of the morning,rubbing his back,as he had joint pain,and arthritis,and he had been coughing up phlegm.WE both were sleep deprived,and tired,but I found some energy to get up,whenever he needed me,to help however i can..Fast forward to the last day I would ever see my best friend…Chris was watching tv,when he sat up in bed,and was having trouble breathing,I ran over fast as i could,to help him.Looking back,I don’t think i felt my feet on touch the floor,i ran so fast.The last words he uttered,was,”help me up”,as I took both his hands,and helped him to his feet.He took in a deep breath,i looked at him,and his face turned stark white,all the color seemed to just drain from his face,as he let go of my hands,and collapsed backwards onto the bed.He started convulsing,as I screamed his name,and he just fell unconscious. I immediately started heart compressions,and CPR.My daughter,who was working, heard the commotion,and came running out of her bedroom to help,and I screamed for her to call 911,as I kept the compressions and CPR going.She put her phone on speaker,as the paramedics guided me through the process.I was so frantic,as 20 plus years of our lives together just flashed before my eyes.I really believed in that moment,that I could save him.that at the very least,he would make it through,have surgery,and be recovering in a hospital room.But as time ticked by,he was just not responding. The paramedics worked on him as well,for over an hour,and what seemed like a lifetime,as my kids and I prayed hard,and hoped for the best.They finally rushed him to the hospital,but would not let me come along.I have no transportation,so my daughter had to call me an Uber ride.By the time i got there,he was already gone. :((( I held his hand as I cried at his bedside,hoping he’d just open his eyes…at first,i don’t think it had set in that he was really gone,as i asked the nurse if he was going to be ok,to which she replied:”Honey,he’s dead”.In that moment,it just seemed so cold a response,so impersonal,that i wanted to scream at her,and tell her to get the f out,but i was just so distraught,and everything just seemed so surreal,like a dream,or a nightmare in this case…:((( Needless to say,the pain is still raw,but it has eased some in the days following his funeral.He was an Army Vet,and is interned at Riverside National Cemetery.He had full military honors,and I received the folded flag,and the bullet casings as well…although it was a beautiful and moving ceremony,it will forever haunt me,the shots fired,the playing of T.A.P.S.,the eerie silence…u know,what’s funny,is that,I had always cried when i saw these funeral ceremonies on tv,but never in my life,did I see myself ever sitting where so many grieving widows sat and will sit,before and after me…
    Just want to conclude by wishing everyone a blessed holiday season,and may u all find peace and take comfort in the memories of ur lost loved ones,as Christmas approaches..thank u all so much for the opportunity to share…(((♥)))

    Reply

  • Annie

    December 11th, 2016 at 12:44 PM

    Wow Trina. That is quite a story. So sorry for you and you can be sure I will keep you lifted up in prayer. God Bless You.

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  • Trina G.

    December 12th, 2016 at 9:33 AM

    Hi Annie,and thank u so very much for ur condolences,and prayers.I am so sorry for ur loss as well,and God bless u too. ♥ After re-reading my comment yesterday,I noticed that I made a mistake in this sentence here:It had taken an emotional and psychological toll on him,and he later told me,he had to get away from it all,and just go into the mountains,where he loved being one,and at peace,with animals and nature…and died of heart n respiratory failure. :( I meant to edit this out,but I forgot as I continued writing,and there was no way to go back and edit what I had written.So I apologize for this. Chris did NOT pass away after I met him.He passed away recently,this year.Thank U all and wish everyone and their families much comfort and joy,and all the best the holidays has to offer.♥♥♥

  • Heather

    January 9th, 2017 at 7:09 PM

    Sorry Trina for your loss ,, I soo know where youre coming from, How did you manage through the holiday season?

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  • Trina

    January 23rd, 2017 at 4:19 AM

    Hi Heather, Happy 2017 to u and all of u here..So sorry I haven’t been on in awhile..honestly,I’ve been so depressed,and sad,coupled with crying spurts here n there. It’s still so surreal and hard to believe my sweet,funny,goofball Hubby n best friend is gone. I receive email alerts everyday from GoodTherapy,and I read each and every one of the comments,and I just cry some more…we are all apart of this exclusive club of Widows,that really,none of us,want to be apart of. I knew some day,that I would be apart of this club,but nothing could have prepared me for the pain,that numbing pain when it hits u,and u realize,your best friend isn’t coming back…:( I am so shy,aloof,and have always been so self conscious,and painfully introverted,whereas Hubby was not.But he totally got me,and never tried to change me,nor did I,him. We were the yin and yang to each other,so to speak. I got him,he got me. Even though he was 16 years my senior,it did not matter. I learned so much from him,in the 18 plus years of our marriage,and 22 years altogether. One of the things,(although this may not seem like it’s such a big deal),I regret,is not ever having danced with my Hubby. :( I cry each time I see a loving couple dancing,and just looking into each other’s eyes…My Hubby loved to dance,and he could! A few beers,and some music,and he was gettin down! lol :) I have one vid on my mobile phone,I took of him dancing,and I watch it every once in awhile,and just cry,and laugh..He’d try to get me to dance,but I was always so bashful,and I’d run away,like a lil girl lol He had such rhythm,and even at his age,of 65,with joint pain,and arthritis,he always managed to shake sumn lol :) Excuse my expression,but he had this cute lil handful of booty,that he’d shake whenever he’d dance lol it just always made me laugh! Gosh,i so miss that more than anything…:( But like so many of you here have said,we are “not ok”,nor will we ever be..ok..:( God bless u all,and take care,and hang in there best u can. Just try to keep remembering the good times,and draw ur strength from that…♥

  • Rebecca S. R.

    December 11th, 2016 at 9:26 PM

    hi people i used to post here often. now i see new names. we are all suffering. i am having a very hard time now that i am in the second year. it’s 59 weeks and 5 days since my beloved steve died. my life used to be a dream. now it is a nightmare. it seems to get worse. i am lost without him. he is my love. his stone is up now…our stone. my name is on “my” side where one day i will be in the ground beside him. the stone says BELOVEDS. and it says YOU ARE MY HOME IN THE WORLD. he is. now i am…so lost. on the back of the stone is a peace sign. i love my cats. my life is mostly suffering. i have gone to counsellors of various kinds and i cry a good deal. the best thing that has happened lately is i have a wonderful e mail correspondence going with the widow of one of my husband’s cousins. we are both sudden death widows. with diagnoses of complicated grief and pt sd and ppl saying you will never get over this….i have no hope. i am trying to get some thing done, notably to get his papers to the archives at the university here….a difficult job and i cannot always do it because of crying. my widow cousin and i are so “on the same page”…but it is a very sad page. i’m out of hope and see no way to ….do anything but cry and try and work and take care of the three cats who are my family. i imagine that i will die of grief. naturally.. that is what one grief counsellor actually said to me. i used to live in a dream with my true love and soul mate. now i am in a night mare. there is no way out of it in this life. many of us are sadder than sad…. best to all grievers who struggle like this. don’t know if it is worse now that the weather is cold. it’s pretty much horrible all the time. my heart is broken. my life is broken. it can not be repaired. good wishes to all…new people and “old” “friends” on here i have not “seen” for a while…because i was too sad to come here….and read more sadness. all be as warm and well as you can be…cuidado

    Reply

  • Diane

    December 14th, 2016 at 9:46 AM

    I am new to this site I loss my husband Nov. 28 2016 from cancer .I am having a terrible time coping I have left my home to stay with my daughter an son in-law an 2 grandbabies.They are trying so so hard to help me though this.My husband an I were given the opportunity to tell each other how much we loved each other.I want this over an b happy again I struggle each day with no end in site. My health is starting to suffer but I don’t care. I am hoping when I return home to pick up a part time retail job to get me out of the house an just b around people. I have also ask a girlfriend to come live with me she also lost her husband this past year an seems further long in grieving process. For the heartache is so unbearable an I see no light at the end of the tunnel. It is said to put your trust in Jesus an I am .I will b strong one day an go on like so many of us before us. I will always love my Husband He was everything to me but I am going to make proud an survive this terrible life change. Please wish me luck an pray that we all will find some kind of peace.

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  • Sandra

    December 14th, 2016 at 1:26 PM

    …Hi Diane and Joanie…I’m so very sorry for your losses, so very recent as well…I’m in my second year, I still think about my husband constantly..I don’t think that will ever change….I’m sure we all will come out the other side…It’s just a case of how long that journey will take, it will differ for different people….Once again I’m so sorry….Try and stay strong….x

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  • Karen

    December 18th, 2016 at 6:24 PM

    I lost my husband 4 months ago and I feel jealous whenever I see happy couples (that we used to be). Does anyone have any suggestions as to how to deal with such feelings? I am ashamed that I even have these feelings

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  • Sandra

    December 19th, 2016 at 8:59 AM

    ..Hi Karen…So sorry for your loss….4 months…still so raw….I’m at 21 months, I still cry and feel lost, although it’s not as intense…I was the same, I had to look away from couples together….I too felt ashamed for thinking like that…..It will subside , although when I look at couples now, I just think how lucky they are still to have each other, the jealousy has gone….Don’t be ashamed, what you are feeling is normal….Mixed emotions…There’s no way of buttering it up Karen, it’s a long sad journey, but like Graham says, I too take comfort in thinking about all the brilliant time I spent with my husband ( 48 yrs all in, 44 yrs married )….not all plain sailing as we all know, but nevertheless over all very happy times…..God bless you, try and be strong and look after your health…..x

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  • Karen

    December 27th, 2016 at 3:52 PM

    Thank you Sandra for your caring thoughts. I am glad to hear you are feeling a little better. I have been told that, over time, the grief waves will become less intense and less frequent. I am looking forward to that happening as, right now, all of this is quite a challenge.

  • graham

    December 19th, 2016 at 8:24 AM

    hello Karen its a normal feeling in grief of the loss of a loved one. I lost my wife of 45 years 9.3.16 we were like twins. I still cry every day I take comfort that we were so happy together some don’t get that but I don’t see much of a life to come my way because I still love and always will want Tricia here with me . what you feel is mixed in sorrow sorry its a truth I hate as well sorry to here your loss god bless

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  • Karen

    December 27th, 2016 at 3:49 PM

    Hi Graham. 45 years is a long time to love someone. I am sorry you are having to deal with this unbelievable loss in your life. Someone told me, “your loved one died – you didn’t” so please try to live your life with this in mind if you can.

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  • Heather

    December 21st, 2016 at 9:14 AM

    Hi Sandra, My husband died 2 days after his retirement, so we never got that time to spend together.He was all excited on the day of his retirement. He was already in hospital and expecting to come home the day he died. He said to me all excitedly..”We got our first payment.. its in the bank today!! ” He was so excited and looking forward to travelling to different places.. We had finally arrived at a stage in our life when we had money to travel.I`m doing OK. I miss him every day.I think of him all the time.I bought a bike after he died and I cycle to work every day. That really helps dispel the gloom. I use essential oils and homeopathy for grief. It doesnt take away the grief but takes away the toxic effects of grief. I have things to look forward to.I expect to see him again when I die.

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  • Sandra

    December 21st, 2016 at 11:56 AM

    Hi Heather….Yes life is cruel at times…My husband actually left work 6 months early due to IPF ( Incurable Lung Disease ) he could no longer manage his job…He too was excited at leaving work even though his future was bleak…He was a fighter, he lasted longer than the prognosis…He lasted 12 wks from leaving work, which was in fact 3 months short of his official retirement day…So he didn’t even reach his official retirement date…Lost his state pension as well, which annoys me because he’s paid into the system all his life…if he hadn’t have had a private pension, I would be struggling…He was a good husband, good provider ( although I worked myself too) and a thoroughly great family man…I miss him so much, but I’m getting there slowly..I have one son who does all he’s able for me…I don’t want to infringe on his life…I’m just so grateful I met my husband…We are so lucky to have known such happiness when others have not…..Keep fighting back…..x

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  • pat w

    December 27th, 2016 at 11:19 AM

    Well that’s the festive almost over. Missed David so so much as he was so big on Christmas, On 20th December we would have been together 42 years. How I wish I could go back there and relive it all – the good and the bad times. I volunteered at a homeless shelter on Christmas day which kept me busy. Couldn’t face being with family or friends. Family weren’t pleased with my decision but it felt right for me. Still can’t believe I waken every day without him. The pain is unbearable. I told my psychiatrist what was the point in carrying on when I feel so unhappy and he said he had nothing positive or appropriate to say at that moment.I appreciated his honesty. Nothing changes. Still wander about in the middle of the night and see David dying in my arms on the bathroom floor. I visited my daughters for a couple of hours yesterday. My other son and family also turned up. Chatted and played with my grandchildren but my daughter in law never even came in the lounge and spoke to me. Haven’t spoken since David became ill on the 15th March yet we supported her for all these years. At least I know where I stand. Hope it wasn’t too harrowing a time for you all on here though I think it probably was. Thanks for being here.

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  • Sandra

    December 27th, 2016 at 4:00 PM

    ..Hi Pat…Yes, it’s been harder for me this year, 2nd Xmas without Miles..I feel really strange…. I feel better but worse at the same time….Hard to comprehend….2yrs on March 15th…Fastest time of my life….When he left work through ill health at the end of 2014, I thought I would get a couple of years out of him…It’s gone that fast, I’m thinking, he would have been dead by now anyway….I don’t know how long this will take…..It’s a very strange process…We’ve just got to do it Pat….Must have been very traumatic for you to have your husband die in your arms..I can easily see why it haunts you…Miles reached out for my hand, that was the last connection between us….God life sucks at times….Keep going Pat, I’ve been thinking about you and everyone on here….x

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  • Heather

    December 27th, 2016 at 3:30 PM

    I found Xmas ok.. once I got over my husbands birthday on 14th December and his death (oe year anniversary) on 16th December I was ok.. I bought a bike for $70 off Trade me after he died. Its the best thing i ever did, I bike for miles and miles and miles!!! I bike out to the cemetery and other places. I`m miserable and weepy when I start out but by the time I get back I`m happy. the exercise and fresh air really does something. I havent been on the bike since I was a teenager. I biked out to the cemetery this morning at 7am. Was wonderful.Buy a bike.Start biking. Re invent your life. Do things you have never done before, You will feel so proud of yourself.

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  • Karen

    December 27th, 2016 at 7:54 PM

    thanks Heather. Good idea. Sounds like it worked well for you! Keep it up

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  • Sandra

    December 28th, 2016 at 7:37 AM

    Hi Heather…You’re absolutely right about the fresh air and the exercise…..I have quite a big garden to look after and I go out there weather permitting whenever I can…The exercise releases the anxiety and the stress and frustration…I always feel better after being out there, more calm…..As for a bike…I don’t think I could do that…but whatever helps us, is a godsend…x

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  • Heather

    December 28th, 2016 at 2:32 AM

    Im working on moving along. I owe it to my husband and myself . He would hate it if he knew I was miserable and giving up.If I died first, I would absolutely hate it if he was really unhappy.. I would like him to move on and find peace.I treasure the 43 years we had together but I`ve come to terms with his death> I enjoy my garden and my family and the church meetings and my cats and friends and cycling. Of course I miss him and think of him every day , but i expect to see him and recognise him when I leave my mortal body.I get times when I feel depressed and sad and hopeless but I remember that I`m glad he went before me because he would be absolutely lost and devastated without me.I would hate that.I owe it to both of us to recover and live life.Its been one year now and I have had to learn to “Uncouple”.I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I`m looking after myself. This is what he would have wanted.

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  • Sandra

    December 28th, 2016 at 2:25 PM

    …Heather, I’m getting there myself..I miss my husband every day, think about him all the time…He would feel so bad if I didn’t get it together..He had an incurable lung disease, he didn’t talk about it a lot, he was quite a reserved man anyway..The only thing he ever said was…” It’s not the dying, it’s what you are leaving behind “….I know now he meant me coping with his death and on my own… I’d always said I wanted to go first because I didn’t want to live through it….And here I am….Knowing the kind of man he was, I know he will have felt a failure and felt he had let me down….But he didn’t, he was fighting to stay here, but it overcome him…There is light, you are right….I just take the days as they come and keep fighting on…..x

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  • Heather

    December 31st, 2016 at 1:28 PM

    Hi Sandra.. Dad died 5 weeks before my husband. Dad said to me before he died” Dont be sad that I`ve gone but be happy that I`ve been.”I didn`t get a chance to say goodbye to my husband. None of us knew he was going to die. He didn`t either. His lungs were filling with blood and he had difficulty breathing. He was in ICU and they carried out a procedure while he was under general anaesthetic. he was supposed to stay under that for three days to give the body a chance to recover but he died abut 8 hours after the procedure. The good thing is, he was under general anaesthetic all the time and he never knew anything.He was talking about what he was going to do when he was out of hospital.The disease he had was a rare form of vasculitis.It wasn`t diagnosed early enough.This disease strikes 1 in every 30,000 of the population.From the time of diagnosis to his death was one week.After the two anniversaries..His death and his birthday.. I`m feeling a lot better.Xmas was ok.Thanks for listening.I get a lot of comfort knowing there are other women out there who are going through the same thing. I don`t feel so alone.

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  • Sandra

    January 2nd, 2017 at 2:42 PM

    Heather….The disease my husband had was rare as well….I just keep thinking why him?..why us?….I had time to come to terms with his death, but I pushed it to the back of my mind because I didn’t want to believe it…When it finally happened, I was calm because I’d waited for over 5 yrs for it to happen….the day he was diagnosed, my life was over…but I’ll battle on, because that’s what I do…. I’ve felt very weepy this past couple of days, but I just take it on the chin and keep moving on…..Sandy…What can I say, I’m so sorry for your loss….Widowhood is a very weird place….One day we feel almost back to normal, the next, we’re plunged back into the black hole of grief…..I hate to say I take comfort from all our misery, but if it helps just a tad, that’s a tiny step forward…Just let it out…..x

  • pat w

    January 3rd, 2017 at 11:33 AM

    I don’t feel any better at all. My husband died 25th May 2016 very suddenly of an embolism in my arms. One second he was there then gone. Can’t really accept my loss at all. Family support has been sporadic at best. I am back to work tomorrow after the festive period which I didn’t celebrate at all although worked in homeless shelter on Christmas day.Every night I hope I won’t waken. We met when I was 17 so don’t know who I am. We were a team with our normal ups and downs over the years and I would glad fully relive it all including the downs,Still cry every day and especially on returning home. It’s 3 days since I’ve been out the house so haven’t had the awful returning moment. Constant flashbacks in the bathroom where he collapsed in my arms. Even typing this I think ‘did that really happen?’I do not fear dying as I’m no longer living – just existing. Just feel so so sad and he is in my head constantly. It is an exhausting existence. Thank you all for being there.

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  • Sandra

    January 3rd, 2017 at 12:54 PM

    ..Hi Pat…I’m not surprised you get flashbacks…I Would as well, must have been horrendous to spend your last moments together like that…My husband wasn’t aware myself and our son were by his bedside when he died…They took the Oxygen mask off him and he just slipped away ending over 5yrs of torment for him, my torment is still in progress…It’s not been that long Pat, be patient with yourself….It’s a very slow process…I don’t want to die, but I’m not bothered about being alive either…I don’t think I’ll ever feel quite normal again…The new norm, that’s what we are all heading for supposedly….Staying in the house for to long is a no-no…After a few days, I force myself out, just to the shops for half an hour even, makes a difference, to me anyway…I’ve spent all Xmas and New Year on my own..My son has been in Tenerife…The less I see of people, the less I want see them…It’s just a good job I don’t mind my own company….Don’t give in to it…x

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  • Karen

    January 3rd, 2017 at 1:18 PM

    Pat – I am so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you. Please, please I encourage you to join a bereavement group as soon as possible or go to individual counselling (if you can afford it).

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  • Karen

    January 3rd, 2017 at 1:25 PM

    Hi again Pat. Given that your husband passed away in your washroom, would it be a good idea to move to a different place?

  • Carol

    January 4th, 2017 at 6:51 AM

    My husband passed away of massive brain hemorrhage April 2015…still cannot believe this….just found this site…I don’t fear dying either Pat…what do we do..i am fortunate to have 3 daughters and family however its worrying about them that is tearing me apart right now…my husband listened to every concern I have and guided me always…feel like I m floating and left with so much responsibility..keeping my family united happy and healthy….that is what I strive for and its not easy.

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  • pat w

    January 4th, 2017 at 12:40 PM

    Hi Karen I did put my house up for sale and spent agonosing months decluttering as my husband was a hoarder. I found a lovely apartment which unfortunately sold just 2 days before I got an offer on my home. Since then I haven’t seen anything that comes close.My work as only a 15 minute walk away so might just stay here. Still unsure.I have a bereavement councilor once a month and a mental health nurse about once every 3 weeks. The bereavement councilor is lovely and truly seems to understand but the mental health nurse is young and inexperienced on life but does her best.One day she asked me what my hopes and aspirations were. Seriously? I also see a psychiatrist now about once a month and he is a lovely man. His wife died 2 years ago and I reckon he’s a couple of years older than me so he is full of empathy and shares some things like me like not wanting to turn the calendar.My family don’t get it and couldn’t understand why i preferred to help at a homeless shelter on Christmas day than be with them.He seems to give me the strength to say to them I’m doing what feels right for me. Was back to work today and had a few little wobbles during the day but did a full day. 32 weeks ago today and certainly not getting easier. When I am in the bathroom I look at the corner where he left me and it doesn’t seem real. Still can’t believe what happened. I have no idea what I strive for – nothing really. I went to his memorial bench on Saturday and cried and cried.I asked my psychiatrist what was the point in carrying on feeling so unhappy and he said there was nothing appropriate or positive he could say at this time. At least he is honest. I like that. Don’t need all the flannel and whitewash. That’s one thing I like about this site is the honesty from everyone. Someone a while back said ”grief was love turned inside out’.He really liked that, wrote it down and quoted it at another consultation I had with him. He really listens. Like all you guys on here. I live the empathy and honesty. Thanks.

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  • Heather

    January 4th, 2017 at 11:36 PM

    I just came back from a 3 day holiday at the beach with my son and his family and my grandson who lives with me. It was lovely.. sun, sand and sea.My sons in laws turned up and stayed with us too.. it was great company and I was happy(ie I wasn`t miserable and pining like I was last Xmas holidays).I feel as if I am slowly recovering.I miss my husband every day and I dream about him often but I am feel as if I am slowly reclaiming my life.I am glad that Xmas and “that” anniversary is over .I feel proud of myself that I am finding life worth living now… after being so traumatized by my husbands death.God is in charge. He knows exactly the day we are born and the day we die.

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  • Edna R

    January 9th, 2017 at 9:56 AM

    I lost my husband of 65 + years on Dec. 6, 2017. I took care of him for several years but his death was sudden as he died of cancer which we were not aware. we thought he had other problems. I am still living in a home which we gave to one of our children including the equity. The deal was were to remain here for life. Now that my husband is gone I am being told the daughter’s husband has lost his job and they want me to move. The only income I have is Soc. Sec. and have no monry to rent a place. No one in the family has room for me in their home except the one who owns this house and I do not want to live with her and her husband as they live a completely life style from what I am use to. I was hoping to stay in the same area I live in now and have the same doctors. I even became a volunteer at the hospital but it appears I will have to give that up if I am forced to move as the daughter who now owns the house lives 2 1/2 hrs. from other family members. I am capable of taking care of my self and don’t need someone watching over me. I looked into HUD but there is a year’s wait for help and I need help now. Does anyone have any ideas as to what I can do. The children are meeting this coming weekend to make a decision as to what I should do. I am not being allowed to make a decision. I find many of their conversations are done when I am not around.

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  • pat w

    January 9th, 2017 at 11:40 AM

    Oh Edna what a dreadful situation to be in. As if losing your husband wasn’t bad enough. Can a solicitor not help. After my husband died in May 2016 I discussed my house situation and she has suggested it be put in a trust so this situation will never arise for me. The thing is we trust our family to do the right thing but I had heard stories like yours before therefore took the in trust path. Please check with a solicitor that they actually have the right to do what they are intending. My heart goes out to you.

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  • Sandra

    January 9th, 2017 at 3:23 PM

    ..Hi Edna…I’m so sorry for your loss, that is a lot of years to be together…I am a bit surprised discussions of that nature are being held already….When you transferred your house to your daughter did you not have a legal document which stated you would remain in the house until your departure…Don’t be bullied out of your home, even by your own….You are very vulnerable at the moment…If you are capable of taking care of yourself, you do exactly what you want, not what they want….Don’t be pressured…..Once again, sorry for your loss, it’s a very hard time even without outside pressure you don’t need…This is the exact reason I don’t want to give up my home to my son….x

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  • Debbie

    January 9th, 2017 at 5:31 PM

    Hi Edna, I am so sorry for your loss, as if u need this upon the terrible loss of your husband. I think that you should get legal advise, if it is stated that you have a place to live there until you pass, she has no choice. You must have a legal document stating that she has the house after you go. This is a very hard time for you at the moment you are also very vulnerable, don’t let her walk all over you. Don’t let her bully you. You said that you can look after yourself, seek help from a solicitor, so sorry that you have to go through something like this after just loosing your husband.

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  • Natalie

    January 9th, 2017 at 7:28 PM

    Hello everyone, I wrote a few weeks past, my husbandof ten years passed away of a brainstem hemorrhage in early November. I wish to give credit to all of you for trying your best to cope. I have two young kids and will say that the holidays were significantly difficult for the kids and myself. We are really small family. There is only my children and I and my parents and brother. All others are not close family and on my husbands side, well all gone, his father passed exactly two weeks after he did so I had to bury him as a daughter in law and did my best. Christmas was hard, just me keeping the holiday alive for the kids, then my birthday was the 28th. He was not there to bake my cake or help the kids with the card. So I did my best to do it the way he would have. Then New Years, the first without him since 2002. His favorite number 17 and he isn’t here to enjoy it. I don’t know about anyone else but I cry silently in the car, because well, with kids, they hurt so much when they see you looking so helpless so you have to be strong. They see me grieve at moments as that is normal, but No one knows how much I cry. I cry for all the beautiful things he cannot enjoy, like hugs from his kids. I hope and pray that I will be enough for the kids in the future to make them feel safe and protected and supported. This is my biggest worry, that I can not fill both shoes as I need to. I have always been a positive person, happy and childish, which he loved. I am still this person because it is my nature but the sadness can be overwhelming so I keep remonding myself that others are also going through the same and some much worse. I look at his picture and laugh, smile and then cry. It is like feeling robbed of something so precious! He wasn’t neat, he wasn’t emotional, he said I love you maybe 3 times altogether but he showed me in his actions just how much he loved the kids and me. The kids are most sad when we go somewhere, we went to breakfast once at a pancake place over the holidays, and we had to say three instead of family of four. My kids just started crying right there and i let them. It had to be done, we sat on a bench outside till they finished and the in we walked back in, faced the counter and said 3 please. We ate breakfast quietly, first time ever, a five year old and nine year old silent as can be. We did it, and we survived, but wow was that like ripping my heart out. I believe in there being something after death, I have to, because if not then I limit the chance to being reunited with him when my time naturally comes. I miss him more everyday , Inever knew what that meant till now. As time passes you miss not only his presence but especially his voice, calling your name in a way no one else ever will. Wishing you all a healthy, happier New Year.

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  • Sandra

    January 10th, 2017 at 1:00 PM

    Hi Natalie..Beautifully written..You made me cry..In a good way…I so feel for you and your children, you must be breaking up inside…This is hell, is it not? At least my husband seen his son up..All he wanted he said was to see his Granddaughters up, but it wasn’t be.. They were 9 and 7 when he died, 2yrs ago come March 15th. It feels like it happened last week….You sound so brave, although I can imagine how you feel inside…I know you will be strong for your kids, they need you more than ever now…Bless you all, and good luck for the future..x

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  • Debbie

    January 10th, 2017 at 9:44 AM

    Hi Nathalie, I know just how you feel, my husband of 52 years died September 15th, I find as time goes by it is getting worst. I spent the holidays with my two kids and the grandchildren, it was very hard on the whole family. I am a positive person and always have been, he used to say, u will make out mum, you are stronger that I am, I wonder how I will be able to survive without him, my strength seems very frail at the moment. I was anxious for the holidays to be over and I thought my life would be easier, but was I wrong, I cry nearly every evening and wonder what is life without him. Thank God I have great children and lots of family and great friends but there is always a deep void, the evenings and the early mornings are terrible. When I look at pictures I like you laugh at those good times, then cry because we will never have them again, life is hard, thank God I dream of him now and then. I wish u and your kids a better year in 2017

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  • Robyn L.

    January 14th, 2017 at 1:05 PM

    We are all the same. It’s odd that, when we lose someone we love so much, we feel so alone. My husband passed away on Sept. 14, 2016. It has been 4 months 1-1/2 weeks. I have, as all of you, cried more tears than you would think a body could shed without getting severe dehydration. I don’t sleep much. I do housework at 3:00 am. No one to disturb…no one. Mike and I were married 27-1/2 years. We knew each other’s in’s, out’s, up’s and down’s. We loved each other in spite of them and because of them. He was the bravest and most courageous and spiritual man I ever knew. His last 4-1/2 months were very hard but he did go at home.

    I am not doing so much getting on with anything yet. I have kids who love me and our dog who loves me. More now that my husband isn’t here (he really loves ((loves)) Mike). I want to stay for them but to go for me. We really are all the same. Maybe each one of us thinks how easy it would be to just leave this life and get on to where our best friend went. I have thought that many times. Then one of my kids calls and I think…would I really do that to them? No. So I’m here for the duration.

    My husband is (and I do mean present tense) a veteran and very proud of it. He asked me to take his clothes and movies to the V.A. hospital so I did that right away (with my daughter’s help). Other than that I haven’t been able to look at his “stuff”. He has a lot of stuff. I am going as fast as I can. Not fast enough for some probably but I’m very lucky. My family and friends understand. I am still alone (except for our dog) almost all of the time. I was my husband’s support through his illnesses. It began 3-1/2 years before it ended. During this time he had to learn to walk and use his arms and hands all over again. It was long and slow but he did it. He continued with that same effort until the last month of his life when his body was so weak he just couldn’t try anymore. Even in that last month the hospice nurse that came to see him was shocked at his sense of humor. That remained until the end. Even now I can picture him doing the “walk like an Egyptian” thing across the floor. He would randomly crack me up. Very funny man. I miss him.

    A couple of days ago I had just had it and let out about 4-5 blood-curdling screams, got mad at God, cried until I couldn’t anymore and then just sat there looking at Mike’s picture. I have, periodically (like every day periodically), been resentful that other people receive signs that their loved one is right there with them. Well I guess I ticked off God. An hour later, for the first time, a significant peace dropped on me out of nowhere. I started to think of the weird things that have happened since Sept. 14. A week after that ominous date (ominous to me) I had to go get groceries. First time I’d even driven the car since he left. I got in the car and just sat there for a couple of minutes. I finally started it and the first notes and words of my husband’s favorite song by his favorite group came on the radio. No ads or anything. Just that song (“Lights” by Journey). I knew, at that moment he was with me. I just didn’t keep the feeling of it as close as I should have. Mike loves animals, birds, amphibians, the mountains, fishing, hunting, even yard work. The guy loves nature. I kept finding dove feathers around the yard. Still do. One day, crying so much, I kept thinking about how happy I should be that Mike is with his mom and the many friends that had gone before him. It didn’t make me happy – it made me jealous. They have him and I don’t – type of thing. Just then I heard the words in my head “you’re my family, honey”. Instantly I knew what that meant. Our kids are grown and have their own lives now. We have been each others family for a very long time. I never would have put that thought in my own head when I was so busy being jealous and feeling so sorry for myself. The same night that I screamed a lot I decided to vacuum the front room. About 3:00 am again. I found Mike’s brush under the couch. I have searched with a flashlight under that couch more than once just to make sure none of Mike’s meds had accidentally been dropped and rolled under there for the pup to find. I never saw his brush there before. So maybe I have been so messed up emotionally that I wouldn’t have attached anything to any of this until “the screaming” moment. Sometimes it is too hard to be quiet and just listen. It has been for me. Even when I’m not listening to it I have the television on just for the noise.

    I have felt a little better since that wonderful peace moment. It has only been a couple of days. Life without him here physically still scares me. What scares me more is something I read on another grieving site. My husband didn’t want to die. He fought hard to the end. If he were here would he be okay with my seeming disregard for what he fought so hard to keep. He would be giving me a serious lecture with angry overtones. He did not want to die. I have come around to a new way of thinking. My life is our life. His and mine. What I do from now on I do for both of us. Not that he is walking around in my skin but that he is here when I need him the most. And he is still involved with me. I want to try harder and do better because I know I can. I want him. I want him proud of me. I want me to be proud of me. In my own head that means finding some way to help others. I’ll find my way. Mike would not have it otherwise. Neither would God. I am missing him so much sometimes I can’t see through to the next of hour of existence. I cry. I remember. I love. I will. Because I love you honey. God bless us all and keep us in the hollow of His hand.

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  • pat w.

    January 15th, 2017 at 12:27 PM

    Hi Robyn and all. Yes we are the same – all lost souls. I do not have faith and neither did my husband. He also fought to walk and talk last year ad was in hospital for 53 long days. Every day I went to the hospital and promised him he would soon be home. Eventually he got home on 6th May where I helped him to relearn basic tasks. He was doing wonderfully. Then suddenly after 17 days he had an embolism and died inn my arms.His last words were ‘I’m going I’m going I;m sorry’ then he was gone. I can’t get that image out of my head. It was so unexpected. I often think of leaving this life but I have all his stuff to sort out and then have an exhibition of his art and photos. Still cry every day especially on a Sunday. I work Monday to Friday so only cry when I get home from work or even as I drive home.. The pain still takes my breath away. I could never have imagined it would be so unbearable. Take care everyone in whichever way you can and again thanks for being here.

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  • Sandra

    January 16th, 2017 at 3:56 AM

    Hi Pat…..Still early days for you….keep going, you’re doing good, even though you think you’re not….I find the most annoying part about all this is, we can’t change it, it’s out of our control…Hence the helpless feeling most of the time…x

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  • Sandra

    January 15th, 2017 at 3:14 PM

    ..Robyn hi…I’m so sorry you’ve had to join us in our sadness….it is indeed a dark time for us all….But I love how you put it and you have given me a different angle to my situation when you say..’ My life is our life..his and mine ‘ I love that, thankyou….There are times when I feel strongly that my husband is near me, it’s such a comfort…I’ve had the same thoughts you and probably everyone else on here has had, but I think about my son ( although he is an adult)…it would crush him….We’ve all got a cross to bear in this life, I just hope through time we can all recapture a morsel of normality..Bless you, stay strong..x

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  • Heather

    January 15th, 2017 at 7:48 PM

    Hi Robyn.. I know exactly where you are coming from. Don`t worry.. there is light at the end of the tunnel. The first year is the hardest and then it gets easier. I used essential oils for grief and homeopathy for grief and they helped me enormously in the first few months. My husband has been gone for 13 months now. I am starting to feel better. At some stages during the first year I thought whats the point of my going on.. its pointless.. but it`s a process of “uncoupling”… because we are used to be ” a couple” for so many years and then we are alone and its a depressing and hopeless feeling…ie “I can`t see the point of gong on alone. It feels as if I am just surviving day to day”.But that changes over time. It takes time.. its a process.There is another thing that helped me is watching the video on You Tube by Noah Elkrief on “How To Deal With Grief – A Radically Different Way”,…. it revolutionized my thinking. I have found joy in my daily life.Maybe its got to do .. also.. with the stage i am at .. 13 months a widow..but i can see light at the end of the tunnel. Our lives are worth it and we mean a lot to the people around us and we owe it to ourselves to look after and take care of ourselves.Our husbands would like that. Thats what they want. It`s as if they are banging on a plate glass window and shouting at us” I can see you!! move along with your life! I am happy and at rest!!”.Dear Robyn, you will be fine. You will find peace and joy in your life. Grief is a process.Tell the Lord about it.He care about you.

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  • Joanie

    January 17th, 2017 at 8:01 AM

    Heather,
    Your last message was exactly what I needed to read this am. As I have said before it has been 6 months since I lost my husband of 42 yrs. The days are long and the nights are tough at times. Trying to keep busy and get out when I can. Very difficult because we were retired and did everything together and enjoyed each others company even if we did nothing. I miss his positive out look on life. I have not found my place in this life without him yet. But I am trying my best to go forward.Some days it seems like yesterday we were going back and forth for chemo treatment. I keep him close to my heart. That is all I can do for now.

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  • Sheryl

    February 8th, 2017 at 3:46 PM

    To Joanie. It is nearly a year since my husband David died of cancer and more complications. But how strange that I too miss his positive thinking and things will be okay. Perhaps in a strange way he left me with a house to sell and debts up to my eyeballs and a funeral to plan with two stepsons that I didn’t have chance to grieve. It will be a year on the 27th he was admitted to hospital and he died four days later. Like you I recall places we have been and I want to say ‘when was it we went there! The trips to the hospital with never leave me. Watching somebody so close dying is horrible. Chin up! Tomorrow’s another day! X

  • pat w.

    January 16th, 2017 at 12:27 PM

    My husband fought hard to live. I believe it was because he didn’t want to leave me alone. One of the nurses said he had cried one day at the thought of how I would cope without him. I truly believe if I had gone first he wouldn’t have fought so hard and must admit that’s how I feel. Although we have children and grandchildren they have their own busy lives. I certainly don’t have any fight left in me. Perhaps that sounds selfish but I just hate this constant struggle and flashbacks. Feel constantly unhappy and exhausted.This isn’t living.

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  • Annie

    January 16th, 2017 at 1:52 PM

    Hi Pat. I know how you feel. I miss my husband so much. Everyday I think of him most of the day. It such a horrible feeling. I’m praying for you.

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  • Debbie

    January 16th, 2017 at 2:31 PM

    Hi Pat I know exactly how you feel and feel the same way, and it definitely is not living. I have one good day and then 3-4 bad ones, I cry nearly every day and wish I can go and meet him soon, this is hard. Life is very hard

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  • pat w

    January 17th, 2017 at 12:52 PM

    Hi everyone. I must admit I have not felt even nearly happy or content since David died on 26.5.16. It’s exhausting putting a brave face on at work and around family and friends, Even when I have me new granddaughter I just keep thinking how much he was looking forward to her arrival.Not long before leaving work today I just had this terrible feeling like it had just happened. I cried all the way home driving the car and had a total meltdown when I came in to the house. My son popped in shortly after and he is concerned as I just sit in the kitchen. Can;t bring myself to use the lounge as I keep looking at his seat like he is going to miraculously appear. Also have problems using the bathroom where he collapsed in my arms. Sure I am feeling worse as the days go on. Last year at this time we were looking forward to having an extension built and a holiday to India. Neither of these things happened but I keep playing it all over and over in my head. Can’t believe he has gone. Just can’t accept it at all. Take care out there.

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  • Sandra

    January 17th, 2017 at 4:16 PM

    …Pat….I’m 2yrs on March 15th ( cannot believe it )…Still like it happened last week….I get days like you do even now…I just busy about, then suddenly I stop and think…Omg, he’s dead, I’m never going to see him again…Life is so weird at times…From the beginning, I said to myself, be patient with yourself, just go with it ( learned from my mother dying ) and that’s what I do…I just let it roll over me, take it as it comes…..Don’t give in….x

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  • Heather

    January 20th, 2017 at 7:25 PM

    Sandra,,I just had one of those moments..”OMG!! hes never coming back!”..I am lying on bed having a rest. Saturday afternoon at 4.23pm .If my husband was here he would be lying on the couch in the sitting room having a rest after working in the garden all day.He used to mow the lawns and weed on Saturday.We would always have people over for tea on Saturdays. Hes been gone 13 months now. I`m ok and im recovering..but i still miss him.

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  • Sandra

    January 21st, 2017 at 10:27 AM

    Hi Heather….I’ve just this minute been sitting on my couch after tea 6..o’clock thinking…How long does this grief last…2yrs in March for me….I don’t know how it’s possible to think the same thing and cry for nearly 2yrs day in and day out…I too am moving forward and ‘ recovering ‘ but I’m never going to feel myself again..I don’t like this so-called new normal but I will battle on as I usually do with anything…….We’ll always miss them Heather…..I had a moment earlier when for a split second I was convinced he was at work….It’s all to strange…x

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  • Annie

    January 22nd, 2017 at 10:51 AM

    Hi Sandra. So true what you wrote. 9 months Wednesday and I still look for him to come home or call. I know he won’t but you forget sometimes. I still cry each day, sometimes briefly other times on and off during the day…always in my heart and thoughts. That will never change but I guess we learn different ways to deal with it. Faith has been my way and I know one day God will reunite us again. That’s what keeps me going. God Bless you and thanks for sharing.

  • Heather

    January 20th, 2017 at 7:30 PM

    Pat W..It gets easier after one year.Hang in there.I feel the same way as you do. I would love for him to walk through the door and my life would be normal again. Everything is different and nothing is the same.We have to reinvent our lives.Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself.It really does get easier.

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  • pat w.

    January 21st, 2017 at 12:01 PM

    It certainly doesn’t seem to get easier. If anything it’s worse/ I have been reading my journals when our baby was stillborn on 5th May 1981, when my dad dies 15th March 1988. My entries say worst day of my life. Little did I know that worse was to come. My loving husband was by my side on these tragic events but this time I am so alone. Cry more with each day that passes and have no interest in this existence.Nothing to look forward to any more.The road between my village and town is going to be closed from the end of March for 4 months. There is a diversion along winding back roads which I don’t like driving on so will be pretty much cut off. Maybe it’s a good thing just to avoid people and become a hermit. Will still be able to get to work as this side of road block. Will go to work then home and shut myself away.Thanks for being here.

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  • Sandra

    January 22nd, 2017 at 5:49 AM

    ..Hi Pat…I’m starting to feel a bit reclusive myself as well…I just cannot be bothered with people atm…Not sure if that will change…..I am moving forward, but I’m still deeply sad….I feel like I have nothing to look forward to either….My house is getting on my nerves, I need stuff done but I don’t want to be bothered with it or have people come to the house taking my time up…Miles sorted all that…Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed……Judy, so sorry for your loss, 7 months is very early days, we know how you are feeling, near enough anyway…..Any time you want to vent, we are happy to listen….x

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  • Judy

    January 21st, 2017 at 2:12 PM

    7 months. I know everyone thinks I am fine. I cry every day. I shake my fist to God every day. I am not okay

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  • Larry

    January 21st, 2017 at 7:15 PM

    I lost my sweet wife of 45 years about 2 years ago. She had cancer and went in 8 weeks. I went to greifshare and had 1 on 1 counseling with my pastor. I am so sorry to say that no Holy Spirit showed up to comfort me. I lost all faith in God. I read everything I can get my hands on, and it is just more proof that we are on our own. I can no more get “over” this; than I can get over fear of suicide to join her in death. I wish everyone finds peace.

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  • Sandra

    January 22nd, 2017 at 1:09 PM

    Hi Larry….I’m so so sorry you have lost your sweet wife….You must be heartbroken, like the rest of us here..None of us can make any sense of it at all….I’m at 2yrs nearly myself and the best I can say is..I feel different, but my heart feels so heavy on a daily basis….I don’t think that will ever change…All we can do is remember and treasure what we had for all those years and hope that one day we will be reunited with our loved ones…..x

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  • Larry

    January 24th, 2017 at 6:56 PM

    Life is such a hour by hour rollercoaster now! I love God and Jesus with all of whats left of my heart. But yet I can’t contain my pain and anger. I know my wife is in Heaven and I know if I had died first; I would have gone to Heaven myself. I feel like God did indeed forsake and abandon me. Maybe my faith was not as strong as I thought it was. I have prayed for death for 2 years and it looks like He is not there either. Lonliness is a killer. A heart and mind killer. I try to stay in Gods graces, but I know He can read my mind and I hope He forgives me for my sadness. All I have ever wanted for my Heaven is to dwell in the house of the Lord; with my wife; for ever. I never worshipped her or thought of her as anything but a human made of dirt just like me. Why is time so bad for those left behind?????

  • Trina

    January 23rd, 2017 at 4:34 AM

    Larry,my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry for your loss,and the way you are feeling right now. Despite how you may feel,U are not on your own. I admit I am not a church-going person,nor am I a devout,practicing Christian. But I do know that God has not left you,or any of us,alone. He knows u,that we,are all hurting,and He feels and knows our pain. Sometimes,I feel that I am on my own too,but then I come here,and read the comments,and realize,I am not. We are all hurting,and seeking some comfort and peace..Sending you hugs and wishing u find peace as well.♥

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  • Annie

    January 23rd, 2017 at 5:39 AM

    Hi Larry. So sorry for your loss. Have you read the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn. It helped me so much to try to understand about this whole grieving process. It’s only been 9 months and I am lost without my partner and best friend but God des get me through each day. I hope maybe you’ll consider reading the book. I pray it helps you. God Bless.

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  • Larry

    January 26th, 2017 at 9:51 PM

    I think this is a great site. I am sorry to say that it’s all well meaning words that don’t do anything for me. We are all different. Those who have the strengh to carry on; kudos to you. I am so empty and dead inside; nothing will change for me till I die. I pray for it to happen every day and night. No kids, no family, no friends and forsakened by God himself. Hell on earth for 2 years. I am at the point now that I try to convince myself that there is no hell because I am already in it. And so far as staying strong and we all have a cross to bear; I am threw with all the God test. He wins and I lose. Rack one up for Lord in the lost bin. Thanks for allowing me to express myself. I talk to about 1 person a week..

  • Carole

    January 27th, 2017 at 11:54 AM

    Larry… all I can say is I understand how you feel. I have no family, all are dead. I’m 58 and all I have to look forward to now that my husband has died (we were together 42 years) is aloneness. I hope in the future my health does not fail because there will be no one to take care of me. I’m an introvert so it’s very difficult for me to start a “new life” and make new friends. Life seems empty and pointless and now all I look forward to us being reunited with my husband and family in heaven.

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  • pat w.

    January 22nd, 2017 at 12:55 PM

    No we are not ok. We put a brave face on but it is exhausting. I popped across to visit my daughter and granddaughter. minutes before I left I was telling her that my road to town will be closed from 30th March till 18th August. The only route open to me is going through the back roads etc.. which I don’t like driving. My driving confidence has decreased perhaps because my concentration levels have also decreased. Her response was ‘well you will have to to help with childcare when she returns to work.’ They don’t get it do they. As time goes by more and more problems arise. Just accentuates how low I feel. No Judy we are not ok.

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  • Yvonne

    January 22nd, 2017 at 5:16 PM

    Hi all. I have been having a bad day today and just reading all your amazing comments. It’s 11 months since my beautiful husband of 40 years died from cancer. I am finding it much much harder to cope with life as the time passes. I am trying to get on with things but cry everyday and miss him so much I just feel like I’m falling into a big hole and feel so empty. I am getting out and about but I’m also finding that people don’t really know how hard it is except if they have been through it themselves. I always put on a good face with most people except my family and a very close friend. It is just so so hard and I know I will miss him so deeply for the rest of my days. I want to move forward but am finding it really difficult.

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  • Sandra

    January 23rd, 2017 at 6:12 AM

    Annie , thanks….I just say what I feel….What I call my crying now is snivelling…Lumps come very easy to my throat several times a day…Pat, yes my concentration was affected as well when driving, I used to get lost in the moment, thinking about Miles…Had a couple of near misses…If I find myself drifting off now, I tell myself off….Yes, family don’t get it you’re right….But it’s just that they don’t understand and are to wrapped up in their own lives…How can you see to your granddaughter and work full time on top of everything else..Very tall order if you don’t mind me saying……!

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  • pat w.

    January 23rd, 2017 at 12:24 PM

    Hi to everyone. Neither David or I believed in afterlife or God but it must be a comfort to so many of you, I do wish I could end my life but have not found a fool proof way yet, My family seem to think I should be carrying on as normal mum and granny. My colleagues at work seem to think I am back to normal. I deserve an Oscar. It is only 34 weeks and sometimes it hits me like it just happened, Takes my breath away and will cry for ages.I think that’s why I prefer to be home alone where I can be me (whatever that is). Even as I am sitting typing this on my laptop I expect David to call upstairs and as if I’d like a cup of tea. I was watching one of our soaps the other night where the female had a baby at 23 and half weeks and it was a boy and dead and I cried so much. On 5th May 1981 the same happened to David and I.We were distraught and I thought it was the worst pain but little did I know. At least back then I had David for support now I feel so alone. In the last 34 weeks I haven’t felt any joy or happiness or even contentment. So so sad all the time. Can’t get him out of my head apart from when I am sleeping. Even then I am up wandering about during the night. And now apparently my daughter needs me to watch her baby at weekends. I work full time and feel exhausted come Friday. This is the same daughter that went to a music festival the day of her dad’s memorial bench gathering. Will have to wait and see what happens. She never asked just said she needed me to do it. The thing is if David was here it wouldn’t have been a problem but physically and emotionally I am a wreck. Apologies for the rant, Thanks for sharing.

    Reply

  • GoodTherapy Admin

    January 23rd, 2017 at 7:44 PM

    Dear Pat,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about self harm at
    https://www.goodtherapy.org/therapy-for-self-harm.html and additional information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Sandra

    January 24th, 2017 at 8:21 AM

    Aww Pat…Rant all you want…It’s better out than in…Your daughter cannot expect you to work all week then babysit all weekend…That is not on..I would not want to do that, even if I felt 100% and had no problems in my life…x

    Reply

  • Carol K

    January 24th, 2017 at 11:25 AM

    Lost my husband on 10/09/16. Married for 22 years, in love for 35 years. Finding comfort in reading all these posts, and while I don’t wish the pain I am feeling on anyone else, I see that others share EXACTLY what I am going thru. We have a 20 year old daughter, trying to stay strong for her, I get up and go to work every day, but I feel so empty. Miss him more than words could ever fully express. Lost him in a moment and never got to say goodbye. I actually had a dream, more like a nightmare, last night where I had to actually tell him that he had passed away and that was why a particular person hadn’t called him in months. It was very strange, and I have felt completely off task and uneasy all day. In work, and can’t really post much more, but I felt like I had to “say” that part about the dream to someone and I believe no one here would think I was crazy for posting it. I hope we can all stay strong together.

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  • Sandra

    January 24th, 2017 at 2:26 PM

    ..Hi Carol K…So sorry for your loss….believe me, no-one here thinks you are crazy…If you are crazy, then we all are….I’ve had vivid dreams about my husband, on waking I’ve believed he was still alive for a nano second until the truth kicks in…I love dreaming about him, strange think is, he’s always a lot younger than when he died….It comforts me to dream about him, makes him still alive to me….I’m so glad I found this site…It’s a comfort like you say, to know others are suffering ( I don’t mean that in a nasty way )….It’s just that we are the only ones that get it……..It’s the hopelessness that’s gets to me…When I have a problem, I’m hellbent on solving it, but I can’t solve this….It’s so hard having to take this on the chin if you like….Just speak to us anytime, no-one will judge you here….Stay strong…x

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  • Carol K

    January 26th, 2017 at 5:37 PM

    Thank you for your post. I am glad I found this site also. Read so many things and situations that I can so relate to and that was my first post. I have had good dreams about my husband also and when I do, it has actually uplifted me for the day. My husband was only 53 and in my dreams he still looks as handsome as ever, just like when he passed. I found a very small way of coping and that is when I am driving home from work, you know those last few minutes before you have to walk into an empty house…..well, I have found myself yelling his name and yelling at him for leaving me. then I come home, take the dog out and then feel bad that I yelled at him and blame him for causing me such pain, something I know he would never ever do on purpose. And I talk to him then and apologize but I know he understands. But for those few minutes in the car, it is actually a bit of a release. Had a terrible time on Wednesday though. Our 20 year old daughter had to have her wisdom teeth removed. She wanted to me to video her on the phone on the way home since she had seen so many posts on youtube of people coming out the sedation and saying such funny things. Sad thing was……all she kept saying was “Where’s daddy, he was just here” Needless to say, I didn’t record any of that and had to pull over twice to compose myself. We are extremely close as she was with her Dad. So after I got her home and settled, I went to the pharmacy to get her post-op meds (her friend stayed with her). So…..as you can imagine I screamed my head off at him because I had to go thru that alone. Anyway, thanks everyone for listening. Although family and friends care and wish to help, the only people who can truly understand are those that have, or are walking this path, and none of us are on this path alone if we are here. Best wishes to all.

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  • Sandra M W.

    January 24th, 2017 at 3:54 PM

    I have read most of the post of people who have lost their husband. My husband of 52 years died September of 2015. He had been diagnosed with IPF in 2006, and we knew that there was no cure. He lived with this condition for almost 10 years. After being in the hospital two times in Aug and Sept 2016 he was sent home through Hospice, to be comfortable and not have to go to doctors. He came home with Hospice Care and died in my arms after 7 hours. I have been trying to keep going it is so hard. We worked, traveled, gardened, together all the time. He was my Best Friend, the Love of my Life. At this time it has been 1 yr and 4 months. I am more depressed now than at the first. I have been told by friends “it will get better”. All I know is that getting used to different is very difficult. My 3 daughters are a good support system, and they miss their Dad something terrible. Being so close is good when they person is with you and I guess it is good now, because I try remembering all the good, fun times.

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  • Sandra

    January 25th, 2017 at 4:05 AM

    Hi Sandra M W….Sorry for your loss…..My husband died also of IPF in March 2015…Your husband did very well to last nearly ten years, my husband lasted five and a half years and I thought he did well…It’s a horrible disease…I was gutted when he was diagnosed….From that moment on, we had no real future to look forward to as it is like you say incurable and progressive…I miss him so much, the day he died he took half of me with him….I’m glad you have a good support system in your daughters, I have one son and I’m trying my best not to burden him, he has his own problems but he comes to see me every week for a few hours.. It does get very much worse after the realization starts to set in, but I think through time we will come to terms with it..That doesn’t mean we’re not bothered anymore, we just learn to live with it…but it hurts so much at times as you’ll already know…..x

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  • Keitha

    January 25th, 2017 at 10:13 PM

    First of all, I have read all the comments and am so sorry for all your losses. My story is the same. My husband of 57 yrs. died totally unexpected on Dec. 2, 2016. The most difficult thing I had to deal with at first was the fact I found him that morning sitting in his favorite chair, looking as if he was asleep. However, he was not. When I realized what had happened, I totally lost it. I have relived that moment over and over in my mind. That is beginning to get a little better. My next most difficult thing to accept is that after 57 yrs. of having a constant companion, I will have to spend the rest of my life alone, and I don’t know how to do that, nor do I want to. My husband was 80 yrs. old, and I am 75 yrs. old. I am depressed; I cry at the slightest thought of him; the waves of sadness flow over me without any warning; I can’t sleep; everything in the house is a constant reminder of him yet I don’t want to do away with his things just yet. It really makes me sad that he will miss so many things that he was looking forward to in the future. With all the paperwork involved with a death, I can barely focus and become extremely stressed and have a full blown crying jag. It has been somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone in my grief. I know given time, I will have a “new normal”, but would rather have my “old normal” back. My heart hurts, and I miss him so much every day.

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  • Sandra

    January 26th, 2017 at 3:33 PM

    Hi Keitha….What can I say…..You’ve read it all here….It so hurts, doesn’t it….so sorry….You’ve been together a lot of years….It must hurt terribly….There’s nothing left to do but stay strong and hold on to your memories…That’s all we have left….Better to have loved and lost than never loved at all….We all have a cross to bear…..stay strong…..x

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  • Sandra

    January 27th, 2017 at 8:51 AM

    Larry…No-one can or should tell you how to feel….Yes, what we have here are just words, we will feel how we feel, but this site is a help to most of us because it lets us see we are not alone ( as in others are going through the same experience )…..Everyone is an individual and they will take their own path, whichever way it takes them is unforeseen at this moment in time….The thing we all have in common is the loss of that one person we do not want to be without…..The phrases that really bug me are…” Get yourself a cat or a dog”….”Join a club or something ” like this is going to make any difference whatsoever…All I want is my old life back…but it’s not going to happen…I’m really sorry you feel so bad…Yes, we all do have a cross to bear, and this is it…I sincerely hope you can find some peace in your life through time….I’m nearing two years but it’s still so fresh in my mind……It’s such a struggle a lot of the time…….x

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  • Heather

    January 27th, 2017 at 10:37 PM

    Larry.. I`ve been thinking about what you said. At the risk of having my head bitten off,, I think youre really depressed. I wish you could come with my on my bike rides. You would feel so much better. Is there any way you can increase the people you talk to every week? it really helps. I work fulltime and even though I wish I was retired… I know it helps me to be around people.You are suffering from the toxic effects of grief.Look after yourself. I feel for you.

    Reply

  • Rich

    January 29th, 2017 at 10:21 AM

    Larry:
    I lean on faith and keeping busy.
    This is not a criticism but rather a observation. I have followed these boards and others closely. We are all suffering, no one has the market. But the widower/s who appear to be in the most agony are those who are self professed atheists or agnostics.
    I’m not a church goer but Janet and I  believed there was more than just this world. That faith has helped me to some what function and look forward to the day I see her again. I’ll never be the same again but hope gets me through this living hell.  
    In the meantime please keep busy. We did not have any children and relatives are not around. I chop firewood, work part time, help friends whenever they ask. It does makes a difference.

    Rich

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  • Veronica

    January 29th, 2017 at 4:53 PM

    Rich, I agree with you. I lost my husband of 17 years on 8/10/16 and I am having a difficult time. The only thing I have is my faith and my husband showed me after he passed that there is life after death. He took me to the other side and showed me what happens when you pass(leave the earth world) suddenly. So I know that he is alive (in the eternal world) but he is in transition. Knowing this for a fact has helped me but the hurt is still there. I have some comfort in knowing that when you pass they can see & hear you. I speak with him all the time…keep the faith.

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  • Linda

    February 8th, 2017 at 7:29 AM

    Veronica, what do you mean transition?

  • Veronica

    February 10th, 2017 at 4:09 AM

    Transition is when you die suddenly and you are earthbound. That is where you become aware that you have passed, learn to understand what you can do in the eternal world, you atone and you reflect on your earth life. You help your love one’s left to understand passing if your love one’s are open to the idea. My husband talked about death and we had always said whomever went first would show the other what it was like. We have always believed life after and I feel like I was blessed to be able to see it first hand.

  • Sandra

    February 10th, 2017 at 9:00 AM

    Hi Veronica…Sounds fascinating…Are you able to put into words what you actually saw and experienced at the time of your husband’s death when he showed you the other side….I’ve always hoped there was more than this life…x

  • Larry

    January 29th, 2017 at 7:39 PM

    I have found some help in the things I have read here. A loved spouses death destroys the survivor. It’s amazing that it seems all t.v. preachers are married and not a one is widowed. It is also amazing that the bible is so remiss in any help for the widow. I quess we are to simply suffer in solitude and put on a brave smile. I won’t write any more. This site is a blessing to stronger willed people than I will ever be. I know God is real and I talk to Him 20 times a day. I just think He forgot about how the death of a spouse, causes hell on earth for the one left. God bless you all. I myself, just wait to get the heck off this earth and hope I can be with her again….

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  • pat w

    February 8th, 2017 at 11:10 AM

    37 weeks ago today and it isn’t getting any easier. Am aware I am isolating myself more and more (apart from work) as it is just too exhausting putting a brave face on. Still cry every day and dread leaving work to come back to this empty house that used to be a home. My psychiatrist has said it may be that I’ll never feel happy again but maybe just ok. Not exactly looking to the future.This existence is just so hard. Every day a struggle, As always thanks for listening.

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  • nsyet

    February 8th, 2017 at 11:46 AM

    It’s presumptuous for the psych to say you’ll never feel happy again but I can relate to the fatigue of masking the dread and returning to empty living quarters – having a house but homeless…

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  • Rebecca S. R.

    February 11th, 2017 at 4:50 PM

    have not been on here for many months. it was too much like looking in a mirror and seeing the reflection of endless sorrow. so much so the same for us all. yes i too had a counsellor say i will never be happy again. yes. we live in suffering. others are in wars or have drones drop on them or have horrible bad neighborhoods but yes this grief is a bad neighborhood and i don’t like it none of us do. some of you may not know me some may remember i wrote more earlier in this 68 weeks and 4 day journey of tears that never stop. with so many of you in this horrible journey in which we are alone….yearning for lost beloved lost the worst way…o sorrow

  • Sandra

    February 8th, 2017 at 11:51 AM

    ..Hi Pat…I know, 2yrs on March 15th for me….Mixed feelings, can function, but not quite with it 100%…Fill up most days still, can see him everywhere I look…Still can’t believe I’m never going to see him again, I don’t think it will ever sink in….What I wouldn’t give just to feel normal again….I’m sorry you feel this bad, but understand completely….I feel like I’m over the worst, but just have this deep feeling of sadness hanging over me all the time, wishing I could go back in time knowing what I know now…..I too feel more at peace on my own, with my thoughts…..We are glad to listen Pat…..Anytime….I keep thinking about Rebecca, she hasn’t posted for a long time, hope she’s ok….x

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  • Bonnie L.

    February 10th, 2017 at 10:18 PM

    It’s been three months since my Harry died. It seems to me that the shock is wearing off and now I am faced with the dark reality of his absence. I thought I would be feeling better by now and in a way I do, but the reality of it is weighing heavily on me. It’s been a terrible year. I was diagnosed with breast cancer Dec 2015, had lumpectomy in Jan 2016 then bilateral mastectomies Feb 2016 followed by chemotherapy. The evening before my last chemo treatment my Harry complained of shortness of breath so I drove him to the hospital where he was days later diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I stayed and cared for him day and night, (I’m a nurse) loving him, knowing I was losing him, my heart breaking until he finally passed in early November. Now I am alone, he is gone, never to return and I am so very sad. I have returned to work in the emergency department where my colleagues are so supportive and loving and find I function very well there but then at the end of the day, I’m home in my empty house. I know things will improve, I have two widow friends I talk to, but it is so very hard in these early times.

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  • Sandra

    February 16th, 2017 at 3:49 PM

    ..Hi Widow…I’m so so sorry you’ve lost your husband….It sounds like you have had an horrendous time….You must feel totally heartbroken at this point….I’m 2yrs on March 15th and it is still so fresh in my mind….Yes, family and friends are full of good intentions at the time, but it all soon wears off, it’s not happening to them so they can’t really appreciate how you feel….We know how you feel near enough….It’s a hard long journey for all of us…I still think about my husband all the time from morning to night…I so miss him, but nothing can change the situation….We have to deal with it anyway we can….Good luck to you and yours……..x

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  • pat w

    February 17th, 2017 at 11:45 AM

    I can empathise with all on here. Almost 39 weeks since my husband passed. Everyone – family and friends- think I should have moved on. The part they don’t get I am no longer the same person. Apart from the unbearable sadness also physically. It is difficult to look after yourself when there is no point. My only small bit of normality is my work. David wasn’t part of that so I think my brain tricks me into feeling normal and he is at home (for some of the time anyway). All it takes is a comment or a song on the radio and I have to leave my desk to compose myself. I often cry driving home when the realization kicks in and also when I unlock my door to an empty house which was once a home. I know now I will never be the same person again. How can I be when we functioned as one. My GP said to me today he was so sorry and wished he could help with my sorrow. He is a lovely young man.Once I am home I very rarely speak to anyone until back at work the next morning. Must admit I have stopped messaging or phoning people as I can’t be bothered and have nothing new to say. Just Miss coming home and sharing the gossip from the day, having our dinner, watching a TV program then snuggling up together in bed. Don’t know how we struggle through this. Sorry for the negativity but I suppose this is the only place U can be honest. Friends and family are fed up with it.

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  • Sandra

    February 17th, 2017 at 5:06 PM

    ..Hi Pat….What you’ve posted is not negativity…It’s just where you are at the moment..In my opinion ( from my own experience )..39wks is still raw, very raw….I’ve never known time go so fast in all of my life (2yrs in March)….It is the strangest thing…..It really annoys me how we are expected to ‘ move on ‘…..Like we are just over a bad cold….I’m not the same person, I never will be from now on in….I fear I’m turning inward more and more……I feel happier on my own ( not always good )…but that’s how I feel….I get lost in remembering us together way back…..I do feel a tad stronger every day, but the sadness is overwhelming sometimes..I suppose it’s what the so called experts would call…’ normal ‘…..I will learn to cope and function, but I will never feel normal again…Post all you want Pat, I for one don’t consider your comments negative, I don’t see how anyone can be positive when they are heartbroken…..x

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  • Debbie

    February 18th, 2017 at 1:12 PM

    Hi Sandra and Pat, I hear both of you so well, Pat what you posted is definitely not negative, and Sandra your response to that was just so so true, I lot my Louie on September 15, 2016 , 21 weeks ago an I am sick of people telling me you will get over it, you are strong, time will heal and so on and so forth, I will never get over it my husband of 52 years is gone and things will never be the same, I cry nearly every day and ask why, I will never be the same person I was before he got diagnosed with cancer of the pancreas and liver and left us. There are days I just wish he would come and get me. A person just never gets over loosing their loved one. Maybe some day I will learn to live with it, but at the moment I am not there yet. Why does life have to be so cruel to all of us. I wish my kids were closer but they are 10-12 hour drive away. Thanks for listening and being there, this is one of my bad days. Debbie

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  • pat w.

    February 19th, 2017 at 4:17 AM

    Sandra, Debbie and all thank you so much for your understanding. I also cry every day. How can anyone expect to lose their soul mate (for me 42 years) and be ‘normal’. My boss has said I will have to take some annual leave but I don’t want to. Work is only place I can be distracted for a while. Apart from there feeling I am becoming more and more anxious to the point of panic attacks in town etc…I was strong through the last couple of years of David’s illness, My stillborn baby in 1981, death of my parents and a host of other tragic events we lived through together but my loss this time has completely devastated me. Family and friends are a bit shocked I think. Tears flowing yet again. A living hell. Hope it doesn’t last too long. Going through another bad day not that there are any good ones. Thanks again.

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  • Debbie

    February 19th, 2017 at 2:29 PM

    Hi Pat I can understand you so well, and agree that your work place is what is helping you at the moment, you were strong through you previous losses because your husband was there to lean on as I was through mine because Louie was there for me also, but when we loose our husband we have no one to lean on anymore and this is devestating. I remember one of my friends told me a few years ago that when she lost her husband it was as if she lost her leaning post and I did not understand exactly what she meant until now. I am fortunate that my family and friends seem to understand, but I still feel very depressed by times and I can certainly understand your bad days. I had one again today and cried until I felt that the tears may drown me. At certain times I feel like my little poodle is,helping me get through but not today. thanks for listening. Love you all

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  • Sandra

    February 19th, 2017 at 2:53 PM

    ….Hi Pat Wallace….I am so very sorry for your loss….There are no words to actually describe how we all feel as individuals….Grief is such a personal thing….All I can say is…. I know how you feel 99%….the rest is personal to you alone…Just know we’re all in the same boat or we would not be on this site…Looking for understanding from anywhere…You’ve found it here…..2yrs for me now, getting there at snails pace…but I will never be the person I was….It comes from nowhere, anytime and takes you over…..I can just about cope, I can function, but when the curtains are drawn and the outside world is shut out, that’s when I feel it…..We all know the feeling, don’t we…good luck and bless you……Come here anytime if it helps…….x

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  • Sandra

    February 19th, 2017 at 5:52 AM

    ..Hi Debbie, 52 yrs….omg, such a long time…Strange thing is, when you’re living that time, you feel like you have forever….then out of nowhere we are plunged into what we have now and wonder where it all went…When my husband was laying in Intensive Care and I looked at him just after he had passed…Every bit of our life together flashed through my head in about 30 seconds…So so strange…21 weeks again is so raw….Good luck to you, try not to give in…x

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  • pat w.

    February 19th, 2017 at 1:22 PM

    My husband had been in hospital for 53 days after an op to remove brain tumour went wrong. When he was discharged we thought he had at least a year then out of nowhere an embolism after only being home 19 days. It was so sudden and he collapsed in my arms. Still don’t know how he knew but he said ‘I’m going I’m going I’m sorry . I know he was scared as he said it but then he was gone just a blank stare up at me. Can’t get that vision out of my head and don’t know if I want to. A day or 2 after was a sad blur then I was plunged into this whatever it is.He was my life even though we have family and grandchildren, Like you all this is a tough joyless existence.

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  • Debbie

    February 19th, 2017 at 2:34 PM

    Thanks Sandra so true, he was my first love and the last one , he went to the doctor for a sore back and was treated for a herniated disk then a few weeks later for cancer of the pancreas and liver, what a slap in the face, good luck to you too he so happy to have this site. Days are hard by times but I hope he will help me. Thanks

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  • Natalie

    February 21st, 2017 at 7:38 PM

    Hi Everyone, it has been over amonth since I last wrote. I lost my husband after to a sudden brainstem hemorrhage. He was 50 and we had just celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We had been together though for 15 years. I have two beautiful young kids who are his image and keep me going. Some have asked me why I can smile and play with my kids when I should be grieving. I find it hard to talk to many now because they have a certain vision of what grieving is. I am alone, just my kids and me, we are what is left. I cannot lay down and give up, I have to feed, and love and nurture my children because they are what my husband loved first and foremost. He fell in love with me, loved me, cherished me but they were his miracles, our little blessings! They expect me to not smile or laugh with our kids?! It is hard enough to deal with losing my husband, why must I defend taking my kids to go sledding on a snowday to the neighborhood? Some have been very kind and others will say to me, “i guess you are doing great seeing as how you can be here laughing and taking your kids sledding.” These comments are so hard to take without some bitterness welling up. My kids don’t deserve to have a mom, their last remaining parent, turn into a zombie and die along with their father. I am here to make sure they make it to adulthood. They are suffering enough having to go sledding with a mom who cannot climb the big hill because of asthma and heart issues. They pat my back and tell me it is okay, that the little hill is enough, eventhough their dad used to take them up the big hill since they can remember. My kids see my suffering and pat my back and give me hugs. This makes my heart hurt so much, because I should be their comfort. So in turn I try my hardest to enjoy every bubbly moment of happiness they experience. Do I cry every day? Yes, every single day, more than once a day. Do I cry in front of my kids? Yes, I cannot help it, although not everyday. They need to feel safe, secure, and loved and that includes having me chase them and tickle them outside and in our backyard, take them sledding, and attend their school functions with a smile on my face.
    I am scared, tired and always worried about what will happen to my children if I become ill or die before they are grown. My husband worked so hard to give us a good life, he was the healthy one. I have had heart issues since having my second child and asthma since childhood and stress has definitely begun to affect my heart rhythm. Even though I was very healthy always, other than asthma, during my pregnancies my heart would lose its rythm and I had neurological issues, so I was monitored very closely. My husband always feared losing me and having to raise two young children on his own, and so it is hard to grasp that the opposite happened. I counted on him and treasured him. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I am trying my hardest to make it bright for our kids. I am not perfect or the best mom in the world, but I am definitely trying to give it my all. Take care of youselves, your spouses wouldn’t want to see you suffering more than you need to. Eat, sleep and remember to be kind to yourself. A friend gave me a bit of advice that I have taken to heart. She said, “Give yourself a hug when you need one, your husband is watching but he cannot do this for you as he could when alive. Live life knowing he is watching and looking after you, and that when you forget to care for yourself he will weep for you.” I do not want my husband constantly worrying about me. I wish him happiness and peace until I can meet him where he is someday. He will always be my husband, we are just temporarily separated by things beyond our control.

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  • Sandra

    February 22nd, 2017 at 2:24 AM

    ..Natalie..Ignore the doubters, you are an inspiration, a great mother to your kids…I know exactly where you are coming from…I’m so sorry about your husband, 50 is way to young to go….How you handle your grief has nothing to do with anyone else, let them walk in your shoes with two children to look after and bring up…You are a fantastic mother, one who puts her children’s needs before own….Just keep doing what you are doing…Good luck to you and I hope you find some peace soon….x

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  • Natalie

    February 28th, 2017 at 6:37 PM

    Thank you Sandra and Debbie, I really needed those kind words! It was greatly appreciated and lifted my spirits. Thank you!

  • Debbie

    February 22nd, 2017 at 10:02 AM

    My dear Nathalie, my heart goes out to you, people can be so cruel sometimes, seems like they don’t think before talking. Your kids definitely need you to smile and do fun things with them, they have lost their dad and they need their mum. I can imagine what you are going through. I lost my husband on September 15, 2016. I put up a few Xmas decorations out doors to have a little light around the house, someone said, I see you are doing great, you even have the energy to put up decorations, little did they know that I cried through the whole time I was putting them up, and I cry everyday behind doors in my home as most of us do. Everyone grieves in a different way. Take care Nathalie and continue to smile and have fun times with your kids. Courage

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  • Heather

    February 25th, 2017 at 4:07 PM

    Its been 14 months and 10 days since my husband of 43 died. I`m starting to feel a lot better now. There is hope and there is the opportunity to reinvent your life. I felt so much better after the 1st anniversary of his death. I think now, that he wouldn`t want me to be miserable, and he would be happy to see me moving along. That`s what i would want if I died before him too.Of course I miss him every day, but I`m keeping busy with work and going for long bike rides and gardening and going to church meetings .The support has mainly dried up, but that`s partly my fault. I haven`t reached out much.I went through a long period of seclusion, but if I were to reach out there is a lot of support out there.One thing is for sure… you have to take care of yourself by eating healthy and exercising it hugely important. Take your vitamins(especially executive strength B vitamins) and use essential oils for grief and homeopathy for grief.Reach out to people who are close to you.Re invent your life.It`s so inconvenient losing a husband.I have to do so many things by myself.I`m planning to do a cycle road trip when I retire.I`m painting the house , inside and out . Im trying new things. My husband would be pleased and proud of me.There is life after death.. both for him and for me.

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  • Sandra

    February 26th, 2017 at 4:23 AM

    …Hi Heather…I’m glad you’re feeling better..I’m afraid I felt worse after the 1st year passed..I’m coming up to 2yrs in March and getting there myself very slowly…Still have bad days periodically, think about him still all the time, he’s always there in the back of my mind…Yes, we shouldn’t feel so sad over something that was so good, just appreciate the time spent together…Some people never ever get that…My husband would be proud of me too…I’ve achieved things around the house I never thought possible, he was a brilliant DIY person, built our extension and garage all on his own, brick by brick….When he first died, I used to go into panic mode if anything went wrong, I’m much more chilled about stuff now, don’t worry as much….Still get odd moments when I think he’s still here…strange….Yes, being outside in the garden works wonders for me too, I have quite a large garden so there’s plenty to do, I just wish he was still here so we could share the workload and spend time together….I’ve got an adult son, but I’ll only bother him if I’m totally stuck, I’m a very independent person..( or try to be )….Even after 2yrs I still can’t believe I’m never going to see him again….It’s life, what can we do but muddle on best way we can…..Love to everyone…x

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  • graham

    February 26th, 2017 at 9:06 AM

    heather what an uplifting comment. I lost my lovely wife Tricia 12 months in two weeks the pain is still with me. never go I don’t think. We were joined at the hip. so to speak love her so much always will its slowly sinking in the reality I’m on my own and will till my end comes .I do solo hobbies look after our home and garden after 45 years of marriage iv got some learning to do I wish I could have our old life back . anyway be strong and true .what you have said makes a lot of sense we cant do anything about the cards were dealt I had good ones that’s how I feel.every thing I do she is with me in my heart. graham

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  • pat

    February 26th, 2017 at 11:00 AM

    We all seem to cope in different ways although we share this unbearable loss and sadness.Some have faith, family, work etc…I suppose I am lucky to have my work which helps give me structure Monday to Friday. Physically I am not good (lost 35 pounds) so don’t exercise much. The winter weather has not helped. The one difference I have noticed as I approach 40 weeks is that I have isolated myself. Sometimes feel too sad to be around others. A brave face at work is about all I can muster. I wish I had the strength of some others on here but it has lessened as time goes on and it seems so long since we spoke it almost breaks my heart.Everywhere I go doctors, dentist shops I see him there. We were also joined at the hip.Really struggling with the realization now. Can’t accept it. As soon as I waken it comes flooding back. He knew I would struggle without him as he had told a nurse. Just like he would have struggled without me. Has to be the worst existence in the world. Where did the 42 years go. Our wedding photo is on my bedside table and it’s unbelievable. All the best to everyone on this site and thanks for sharing and listening.

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  • Sandra

    February 27th, 2017 at 8:47 AM

    Pat…I can’t believe you lost all that weight..I only lost half a stone but have put 1 pound back on in 2yrs…I would have been hospitalized if I’d lost all that, I’m only a medium sized woman…I am coping best way I can with my situation, but what’s bugging me now is…having to live ( or exist ) like this for years and years to come…I try to be positive, but I miss him so much….like everyone else here no doubt….Yes, you have your work and I stay busy, I can always find something to do, but it all takes great effort when you feel downhearted a lot of the time….But…I’ll plod on, I’m no quitter….x

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  • Debbie

    February 27th, 2017 at 2:38 PM

    Hi Pat, I feel for you and can understand a little. I have lost 26 lbs and I am also in good health. Out winter up here in Quebec Canada has been snow and snow and now it is very cold. I also feel like I am isolating myself and it feels better than going out and putting on a good smile whenI don’t feel like doing it. I understand what you mean by not accepting it, I am not there yet and don’t know if I will ever be there. I feel like I am anxious to go and find him many days, I don’t mean suicide I would not do that to my son and daughter, but I am anxious to meet up with him. I remember him saying to me “mum you you are stronger than I am and you will be ok, I could not live without you” I said the same to him. I guess when two people love each other like you both did it is as hard on one as the other. Life is hard, and I know Pat there aren’t many words that can help on certain days, but I know you have friends but they never replace our husband or partner in life, but on this site we are living the same pain and sadness and it is a good place to share our sadness. Thanks for listening and understanding

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  • Karen

    February 27th, 2017 at 3:01 AM

    Hi Pat. I am sorry for the tough time you are having. 40 weeks is still very fresh. I just wanted to suggest a few ideas that may help. Right now, I am in Florida and it has been very healthy to get away from my house and even my children who I adore. Meeting new people (who don’t know my circumstances), seeing new things every day and having space from my sadness has been very helpful. I am wondering if you may benefit from going on a trip – either on your own or with an understanding person who loves you. Also, while I know it may be difficult, perhaps you could put your bedside picture in a drawer in another room. That way, he is still in your house, just not the first and last picture you see every day. Seeing that would be torture for anyone who has lost their beloved spouse. One more suggestion (if you don’t mind). Please remember your husband passed away, but you didn’t. Life is short (as we all know) and you still have plenty of living to do. He would 100% want that for you. Trust me – I understand how difficult it is to be alive with the pain you are feeling but please try to have some kind of fun, if even for a minute, every day. Thinking of you, Karen

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  • Suzie

    March 1st, 2017 at 11:26 AM

    Your words have given me some comfort. Everything I have been reading from the experiences in your messages ring true with me. It is hard at times…. very hard, and I still cannot accept that I will never see my dear husband again. I felt special then, and yes probably took that for granted, and now I feel nothing. I am not special any more, just empty and unwanted. That is how I feel right nowXX

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  • Sandra

    March 1st, 2017 at 2:16 PM

    ..Hi Suzie…I’m sorry you find yourself in the same position as the rest of us…I so like your comment about feeling special….That is how I always felt as well, my husband was so respectful towards me…He wasn’t a man of many words, but I could tell the way he treat me how he felt about me….I’m finding one particular thing I’m missing about him…his voice…I loved the tone and sound of his voice..I can be quite anxious and erratic at times….As soon as I heard his voice , I calmed down…He was ‘my rock ‘ but I don’t think he ever realised that….Sometimes it’s such agony just wanting to see him and touch him….I do feel a tad isolated now and a bit reclusive…I’m happy just to sit and remember him….It’s hard for sure……try and stay strong….x

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  • Heather

    March 2nd, 2017 at 12:51 PM

    Hi Suzie.. Yes, I understand that too. it`s like when my husband was alive , I was his “significant other”.. little things like ringing me at work to see if I got there ok.. and ringing me up to see if I wanted to catch his bus after work and go for a ride..Things like that. It`s having someone who cares about you more than anyone else.Of course other people care , but not the way the husband does.I fully get what you are saying.I`m recovering now after 14 and 1/2 months but I do miss not having a special person in my life…a “go to person” warts and all.

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  • Sandra

    March 2nd, 2017 at 1:29 PM

    Heather, yes…..That’s it, having that one person who appreciates you ‘ warts and all ‘….I even miss being mad at him for taking no notice of me on our wedding anniversary’s when he insisted on buying me about 6 bunches of flowers when I didn’t have enough vases for them…I used to tell him a couple of bunches is just as appreciated and 6 bunches, but he took no notice of me….Little silly things mean a lot….x

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  • Debbie

    March 2nd, 2017 at 3:54 PM

    Hi, it is definite;y having a husband or partener who appreciated us with all our faults and everything. I remember one time at Xmas when I was 17 and telling my Louie that his forgot to get me a gift and bought chocolates instead, and not to do it again, he laughed and said I love you anyway, I would take a bag of jellybeans which I hate if he was here with me today. Life is cruel for so many of us but we have such good memories and laughs to keep us going. We will always miss them and they will help us through tuff times. As you say Heather other people care, but not in the same way as our husband did. Nobody knows what we are going through except ourselves because they are not there yet. As Sandra says little things mean a lot . Thanks for being there. Love you Ll

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  • Dona

    March 6th, 2017 at 12:27 PM

    I lost my husband, my lover and my best friend almost 4 years age this April to Cancer. At the beginining I felt like I wanted to just die but my sons kept me alive. Feeling their pain as a mother I couldn’t let them lose me too. I never went to any theraphy but I am started to feel angry towards him. I was only 45 when he died. The pain never gets better but you learn to cope with life and know somehow you have to move on. My last son is attending college so soon he will move out and I will be left alone. I don’t know how to keep going some days but I try. My heart is with all of you.

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  • Sandra

    March 6th, 2017 at 4:09 PM

    Hi Dona….Lovely comment….I’m at 2yrs, some days I feel resentful too ( even though I know it’s not his fault )….It’s all so weird, sometimes I feel like I’ve been dumped…Not a lot of future to look forward to….For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to do with myself…..I just plod on……I just hope one day I will get up and all will become clear…x

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  • Dona

    March 7th, 2017 at 5:48 AM

    Hi Sandra,
    It’s really had to understand why someone you have loved so much could make you feel so angry even though I understand it’s the so call”stages” of grieving. Well I am still trying to find some clarity myself but its still too misty to see through all the pain. I hope we can all find some comfort knowing we are all here for each other.

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  • Sharon

    March 8th, 2017 at 7:30 PM

    I lost my husband of 27 years. He was only 50 years old and had a heart attack at work and died immediately. Next week it will be a year a year and I still can not believe it. I feel lost, not sure what i am working for, where I am going and who I am. My husband was a police officer. He was the deputy director of the training academy and had a heart attack while doing his morning training run. I was met at the front door of my work that morning and told that he had passed away. My husband was a police officer for over 17 years and while I worried at times about his safety, once he moved into an administrative role i never worried. I still struggle to believe it is true, and I wait to hear him open the door every day. My husband was a runner, he ran marathons and was training for a 40 mile run that he had done 4 previous times. How could it be that he had a heart attack when he was in such good shape? I think I struggle the most with the fact that I did not get to say goodbye. I never got to have that last conversation with him, in fact I can not remember what we talked about the last time we spoke. I wish I could have looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him. Told him I was sorry for all the mistakes and hurts that we made along the way, and asked for and gave forgiveness to him. I long for that last hug where I felt safe and secure. I just miss him so much. Most people around me have no idea how much I am hurting. I keep busy at work, I go through all the motions, paying bills, shopping, attending family events and doing things with friends. What no one knows is that I am suffering inside. I am empty, and 20 or more times a day i tell him how much I miss him. Our marriage was far from perfect, in fact it was rocky and difficult. I gave him everything I could to make him happy and most times it was not enough. But, deep down I loved him more than I could ever say. I don’t know when it will get better or if it will get better. I just miss him terribly. One year may be over, but the hurt continues and grows daily.

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  • Sandra

    March 9th, 2017 at 3:59 AM

    ..Hi Sharon..I’m so sorry about your husband, it must have been a terrible shock for you for him to go that way so suddenly…Life is cruel and we all know near enough how you feel….It’s a long hard journey and I’m not sure we will ever recover fully from it…March 15th will be 2yrs for me and I still can’t believe it either…I cannot believe I’m never going to see him again…We were together nearly 48 yrs, married for 44…I just feel like I’ve had my right arm cut off….It does get easier, but very very slowly…..Still hard to accept though that’s that’s it, it’s over….People try to be well meaning, but unfortunately it’s usually short lived, they just don’t understand, has time goes on, they think we should be ..’over it ‘….! Good luck to you..x

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  • Annie

    March 9th, 2017 at 3:44 PM

    Hi Sandra. So true what you wrote. It is definetly a slow process. It will be a year next month and my husbands death was also sudden…from the flu. We were together 24 years and he was the love of my life. Life is so empty without him. It seems harder now than a year ago. I just keep praying to God for peace and comfort. It certainly is a horrible hard journey. I wish I could wake up and see that it’s not a reality. Unfortunately that will never happen and we must go on. Prayers to all of you.

  • Heather

    March 8th, 2017 at 11:30 PM

    Hi Sharon.. I understand what you mean. It was the same with my husband. We had been married 43 years and he died unexpectedly and suddenly. He was in hospital for one week but we were all expecting him to come home. I never got to say goodbye or discuss meaningful things with him.He was in ICU and the doctor said he will undergo a procedure that will fix him and he will be kept under general anesthetic for 3 days to heal and then he can come home.He passed away on the Wednesday and I didn`t go and visit him on the previous Sunday because I was so tired.He told me when I went on the Monday that my visiting him makes him feel relieved and out of all the visitors, I`m the one he wants there.He hugged me at that time.Had I known he would pass away then I would have spent quality time with him instead if talking about trivia.The day he passed away I went home to get some sleep at midday and at 3pm I got a call from the hospital saying he was deteriorating.He never regained consciousness and passed away at 7.45 pm on the 16th December,2015.While I am recovering well, I miss him so much and have regrets about not saying goodbye.He told my son that his last night in the hospital was the worst night for him because his lungs were bleeding and he couldnt breath properly. I didnt know that and I went to work the next morning as usual.I guess he didn`t ring me because he didn`t want to worry me.But I`m comforted by the fact that he is with the Lord and he would want me to be happy and move along with my life. That motivates me to have some joy and peace in my life.

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  • Jemina

    March 13th, 2017 at 3:04 PM

    Hi Heather, I was married for 42 years and my husband died in the hospital. I had seen him about 4 hours before and said: see you in the morning. He was sleeping peacefully. I had expected him to come home and spend his last days with me taking care of him but I never got the chance to do that and it felt like I was left hanging. He wanted so badly to come home from the hospital and be with me and our cat. If I had know it would be that night I would never have gone home even though I was very sleepy. I have had some amazing people help me through but the sadness never goes away.

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  • Sandra

    March 13th, 2017 at 10:50 AM

    ..Hi Jemina…Yes, we’re all in the same boat…2yrs on March 15th for me, and you are right, some days I’m back to square one…Got myself upset only half an hour ago…Some days the loss feels so intense, I just long for my old life back…I feel powerless sometimes and I too take comfort from knowing I’m not alone in my grief…x

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  • Jemina

    March 13th, 2017 at 2:57 PM

    Hi Sandra, this is great. Wish I had discovered it earlier. I find that every opportunity to express how I feel helps. Everything you say is what I am feeling. I dreamt him two mornings in a row this weekend and wish I could somehow find a way of getting in touch with him to find out if there is something he wants to tell me. Thinking of you and the others and praying that you will find joy in your grief.

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  • Patricia

    March 20th, 2017 at 7:35 PM

    It’s Been A little over a month since I lost my Steve! We were married for 54 years and 362 days , 3 days short of our 55th anniversary. I had to go to the store today because the cat was hungry! I have a lot of financial problems due to his long illness and being on medicare! Everyday seems to be a nightmare without him! I’m crying all the time. I see no hope in future without My Steve! I’m just a tried old lady without my one love in life. I’m in hell!

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  • Sandra

    March 21st, 2017 at 5:14 AM

    ..Hi Patricia…I’m so sorry about your husband….It’s an awful time for you even without financial problems, it all adds to the stress of the situation…You were together a very long time, you must be heartbroken…I sincerely hope you find the strength to cope…..x

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  • Patricia

    March 21st, 2017 at 9:14 PM

    Thank You Sandra for your kind words! I know in my heart that I’m not alone and I’m sorry for your loss as well! As I read through these heartbreaking posts, I realize that It’s part of life, if you love someone as much as we had loved our spouses and love ones! In each ending is a new beginning, It’s just so darn hard! Love You Sandra , Patricia

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  • Sandra

    March 22nd, 2017 at 9:10 AM

    ..Hi Patricia..thanks for your kind words as well..I’ve just passed 2yrs..I do feel better, but not a massive amount…Yes it is life and I know it’s going to take a while longer, we can’t give in, although some days I really want to…My memory of our life together keeps me going….Try and stay strong….x

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  • Jemina

    March 22nd, 2017 at 12:18 PM

    It’s hard and it always will be. But I’ve been told that there is joy in grief and I have experienced it. It has taken me 2 years and 5 months of hard work to get to where I am but every so often it hits really hard. The grief journey is a long, heart-breaking road but thank God it is not totally lonely if you reach out to the support that is there. I sing in choirs, I take line-dancing classes because my husband, (my one and only love of 42 years) did a lot of dancing, I have church activities and I will be a bereavement support volunteer for spousal loss very soon. Someone told me that I was lucky to have had him for 42 years. It’s not easy but I cling to that thought. It could have happened 4 years earlier. He had a close call in 2010. Be strong my friends and remember “In everything, give thanks”. He loved you and would want you to go on and make the best of what you have. God bless you all.

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  • Debbie

    March 22nd, 2017 at 12:39 PM

    Hi Patricia, I am so sorry for your loss, it is hard dealing with the passing of our husband let alone dealing with financial issues. You were together the same amount of years that I was with my husband. It has been 6 months since my husband passed away with cancer if the pancreas and liver, and I wish I could tell you it is getting better, but for me it is worst now than a few months ago, but I do have good days also. I am a believer that my Louie is helping me to cope and your Steeve will help you also. It is very hard, I try to think of the good times we had together, I hope you have the strength to cope, hugs to you

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  • Debbie

    March 22nd, 2017 at 2:22 PM

    Thanks Jemina, your advice is so true, I feel I was lucky to have had him for 52 years and like you I Have lots of activity, but I sometimes I feel that I do them to forget that he is not with me any more, but the reality hits in the evenings. Thanks for your advice and you are so right when you said that he would want us to go on. God bless us all

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  • Robyn

    March 23rd, 2017 at 7:43 PM

    I thought I would give you an update on how things are going – but I find that they are not going for me yet. I am so grateful to all of you on this site. This is the only site I visit about grieving because it is the best site. I last wrote to you in mid-January. It has been just over 6 months since my husband went home. I say “went home” because nothing else sounds right in my head. I also say “see you in the morning” a lot to him. I know God’s heaven is slow compared with time here so I figure that could mean anytime. I haven’t seen the kind of love and compassion you all demonstrate anywhere else. You are wonderful people struggling with the same grief, sadness, depth of despair that I am. It makes us, in some ways, closer friends than some we’ve known a long time. It is surely a strong bond. I read your additions a lot even though I don’t write much (only the one time before). I have found myself lately replaying videos my husband had done on our cell phone just so that I can hear his voice. I have become (also lately) obsessed with every bit of everything that is around me and reminds me of him. I cry as much as I did before. There are some songs I listen to on You Tube that I love but they make me cry also. Do you know the song “10,000 Miles” by Mary Chapin Carpenter? I always think the first of the song is him singing to me and the last is me singing to him. My husband was part Native American and he was always spiritually connected with nature. He was also a Christian. He also was very fun-loving. I think all of us are like him. We have our spiritual side and our outrageously funny side. Some of us can write a lot more cohesively than I can and some write poetry. Yet when tragedy like we have had comes into our lives it reduces us to such a brokenness that we can’t seem to conceive of life as such a great gift as we used to. I feel like I should be trying harder. My husband blessed my life and like many of you say – he would not like me crying so much. I still have so many times I wake up in the middle of the night and think I hear him. Then a few seconds later I realize he’s not there and I just feel so low. I need to get a part-time job. I haven’t even tried yet. I am 72 and I’ll be darned if a guy at our local grocery store said to see him when I’m ready to apply for a job. By the way – I live in Salt Lake City, Utah USA. We have beautiful mountains here. I could take drives up the canyons. They are always beautiful. The last two drives Mike and I took were up to those canyons close to our house. I just don’t. I keep asking myself – why do I feel so stalled. Why do I feel so detached from all that is still here. I just want you to know that you are my stalwarts. I take strength from your posts, even the saddest ones, because I know what it takes to write and you are all precious for being so supportive of each other. I just wanted to let you know I read your posts and to tell you a very huge thank you!! You are such fine people. I feel lucky to have found you. God bless you and me and everyone. Thanks. Robyn

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  • Jemina

    March 24th, 2017 at 9:48 AM

    Hi Robyn, I just read your post and I can tell you that I experience a lot of the same things. I replay audio recordings as well and as painful as it is I can’t help doing it. I remember all that happened in the last days as if it were yesterday and I feel tormented and guilty that I did not do a lot of things I would have done if I had known that he would be gone so soon. Four hours before he passed I spoke to him in the hospital bed and said “see you in the morning”. Earlier he told the nurse in a very soft and determined tone: “I’m going home” and she told him that he wasn’t because he was not well enough. Now I wonder if he meant heaven. If I had known he’d be gone before morning I would have stayed so he would not be alone while he took his last breath. Although my activities give me some joy, I have my grief attacks and sometimes they feel sadder than ever but I accept that this is what the grief journey is and I am not alone.

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  • Robyn

    March 24th, 2017 at 3:46 PM

    Dear Jemina – I hope you weren’t offended about my last post. I wasn’t wanting to diminish your telling your husband you would see him in the morning. I had said the same words to my husband only about a minute before he left – but of course my meaning wasn’t the same as yours to your dear husband. I never want to encroach on any comments that all of you make in your posts. You have all become to dear to me. Thanks for being here and being so good for each other. Robyn

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  • Jemina

    April 11th, 2017 at 12:31 PM

    Hi Robyn, I’m sorry it took so long to reply. I have just been very busy with Church and my Community. You did not offend me at all. I read a book that Catherine Marshall wrote about her husband Rev. Peter Marshall and she had said “see you in the morning” just before he died. But I actually thought I would have seen my husband the next morning because he was resting peacefully and looked comfortable. My grief journey has been so painful that I wondered if I would survive. But I am always reminded that “in everything give thanks” and I am thankful that my sons and granddaughter are loving and caring, for the encouragement of friends and strangers who support me and for my faith in God. Crying all day and night won’t bring him back but I can feel his presence and love when I look at the old pictures and videos, read the amazing words he wrote in his cards to me and old love letters we wrote over a 6-month period before getting married. My life is in God’s hands and I am ready to do whatever He tells me and go wherever he leads me. I am now looking forward to helping in a spousal loss group start in another week. To all of you wonderful people I would like to say: please do not give up, try to find some joy, reach out to someone and be kind to yourself.

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  • maggie

    March 30th, 2017 at 10:03 AM

    I just lost my husband of 43 years on Feb 3, 2017….the pain, the emptiness, the loneliness is so overbearing..there are days i don’t know if I can continue. He treated me like no other woman existed, loved his children and grandchildren. We raised our grandson and he was the light of his eyes. I too knew his health was not going to get better but loosing him as fast as I did really sent me in a whirlwind. For what seemed like weeks, I sat and cried and stared out the window, hardly eating as food just made me gag…and cooking for one just didn’t make sense. I am in the process of selling our home and my mind is everywhere but on selling. I have rec’d lil signs from him and actually saw him leaning on the kitchen counter, which he did often trying catch his breath. I know he is at peace…and having experienced so many losses in my family, 2 brothers, 2 sisters in 10 mths…I thought that was hard, but loosing the love of my life has left me crippled in trying to go on. Right now I am contemplating a grief session for the loss of a spouse…I pray this relieves some of my pain…

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  • Sandra

    March 30th, 2017 at 1:12 PM

    ..Hi Karen and Maggie….So sorry for both your losses, there’s no pain like it I know ( apart from losing a child maybe )…I’m just passed 2 yrs myself and I still feel so lost…Lost and empty is the only way to describe what we are feeling….I’m at my happiest now on my own….I don’t mind people or company, but prefer to be on my own when I can reflect on our life together…..I feel like I’ve lost a lot of myself since my husband died…We were such a good team..He was a good man, the church was full at his funeral, I was staggered…I used to say to him..” What’s it like to be liked “…..I hope you can find some strength in these dark days like we’ve all had to, but do try and look after yourselves…x

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  • Monica

    March 30th, 2017 at 11:00 PM

    I lost my husband of 30 years Christmas Eve 2016 he was playing basketball with his friends and died of a massive heart-attack instantly, while planning his funeral two days before burying my husband 1/12/2017 my Mother died and it is almost unbearable. I can’t sleep, eat or function it seems like. I cry constantly, as they were the two people I spent everyday with and the closest to me. I only have my son who is also grieving but doing better than I am (he’s a grown up), but I have no friends or family who really care. I spend all of my time praying and trying to take care of the paper-work and business to maintain my house, I am not working and am trying to find a job but mentally and emotionally I am not even capable of working. I am not feeling like being sociable right now, I am just praying God helps me to pull my self together because I am so lost, so numb and I don’t know what I am doing. Everything feels like I am going through motions but that’s about it, I can’t seem to conjure up any energy to do anything accept basic things like keep my diabete’s under control. Some days I feel like I am losing my mind. I am glad to have come to this grouptherapy and know I am not the only one going through this, it kind of makes me feel not so alone. I hurt so bad inside words can’t even describe the pain I am feeling. I am sorry for everyone’s losses, my condolences to you all, please pray for me and I will pray for you. Thank you.

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  • Karen

    March 31st, 2017 at 11:28 AM

    Hi Monica,
    You write so passionately! You are amazing. Thank you for putting into words that which you are feeling! I hope you keep or begin a journal! I have sons too and they are doing better like your son they are older and I always think that they had their separate lives from their Dad and I so it is a different grief for them. I am always hyper conscious of how they are doing though because men are taught to hide their feelings. I’m in the Boston area. If you lived close by I would like to have coffee. We’re in the same boat and I do t know that I could help but I’m a good listener and I know that we both want to honor our husbands so in some small way getting outside of mummy comfort bubble helps plus my sons want me to be well and I’m trying to give them that. I always say to myself “I’m going to fake it til I make it”. And I don’t know what making it is?!? Perhaps I actually ate today so that’s a small step. Monica find one thing today that brought you comfort and hold on tight to it!! God Bless and I will keep you on my prayers!!2

    Reply

  • Karen

    March 31st, 2017 at 3:31 AM

    Hi Sandra, I’m sorry that you lost your best friend too! I’ve just begun taking a look at the cloths we bought him together and trying to decide what to box up, what to ask our son’s about and what to give to a charity. I go through the pockets and I found a kleenex in his coat and I was stopped in my tracks! I cannot throw that tissue out because he touched it, because he cried in it. I am trying to take a page out of his amazing life journey, in which he “got” sober 10 years into our marriage and he was 23 years sober when he passed away and he worked very hard and he reached out to everyone to give and receive help and although I’d prefer to spend time alone, which is very unnatural for me, I’m going to try to accept offers of friendship and dinners and try to be brave like my husband George is and was so that I can honor him and maybe I’ll begin to find my new identity. I saw a dumb reality tv show where this woman’s husband died a few years ago and now she’s “serial” dating and she said in a bold and ignorant tone “I was a person before I met Jon, I was who I was while I was with Jon, and now I’m going to be the next “me” without Jon!” and she smiled and I cringed! I feel sorry for her child and poor Jon! My husband death isn’t something I have to get over, it’s a beautiful life that I had the privilege of knowing that I intend to honor and keep his spirit alive. His struggle with cancer and his fight to survive and his dignity in dying is a lesson my family was meant to witness. I’ve learned and continue to learn so much from George and i want to share that with our children, we taught them to walk, talk and how to be the amazing young men that they are today. We need to continue to raise our growing family by our example, and they sure are paying attention to how I’m coping, if I’m eating, who’s coming into my home for house repairs…they’re watching closely and I don’t get another chance to show them how to rely on their faith or how to get out of bed and go to work everyday, so I’ve been acutely aware that George showed them so much as their Father and now I have to continue that legacy and make good choices everyday; all day. So here I go on a cold and wet Friday off to work because its the right thing to do, its showing responsibility and I’m better off at work helping others, earning a salary and health insurance (thank goodness for heath insurance through work!!!!) Thank you for being there! I haven’t said anything like this to anyone accept my occasional journal entries. Be good to yourself today, even in some small way!
    Take care,
    Karen

    Reply

  • Glenda CM

    April 10th, 2017 at 12:41 PM

    I am so glad I found this site. I just lost my husband on March 9, 2017..It was on my birthday. He was only 49 years old. We have 3 kids (12, 10, 9) It was soo sudden. Until now, I still wish it’s all just a dream.. I cry everyday.. Please help.. I am so lost..

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    April 10th, 2017 at 1:20 PM

    Dear Glenda,

    We are sorry for your loss, and we encourage you to reach out. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, please feel free to return to our homepage, https://www.goodtherapy.org/, and enter your zip code into the search field to find therapists in your area.

    Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. From this list you can click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are also welcome to call us for assistance finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Pacific Time; our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext. 1.

    Kind regards,
    The GoodTherapy.org Team

    Reply

  • Sandra

    April 10th, 2017 at 1:56 PM

    ..Hi Glenda…I’m so very sorry for your loss. I feel your pain, I really do…Your husband was so young, you must be feeling so lost and heartbroken….I so wish I could say something to ease your pain…I’m 2yrs down the line and still feels so unbelievably raw…I shed tears most days, but as time goes on they are getting fewer and fewer, it’s happened and not one thing is going to change it….All I can say is, be patient with yourself, it’s a long journey and cannot be avoided…You must just go with the flow, feel how you want to feel, cry when you need to cry…You must be devastated, for your children as well…Life is so cruel at times….Please try and look after yourself and don’t forget, however you feel is entirely normal….Good luck to you and your children….x

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  • Annie

    April 10th, 2017 at 2:59 PM

    So sorry Glenda for your loss. I lost my husband 1 yearApril 25th. He was 59 and died suddenly from the flu. I know your pain and pray you will find comfort in God’s word. That is the only thing that has gotten me through this year. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well as your children. God Bless You.

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  • Heather

    April 13th, 2017 at 2:27 AM

    My husband died after a brief undiagnosed illness 484 days ago. We were married for 43 years.I`m recovering well..in the sense that I am not immobilised by depression or the toxic effects of grief but the long Easter weekend is upon me and as I have lost my companion, I feel there is nothing to look forward to in the weekend. Had he have been here we would have been going for a car ride and to the market and maybe a bush walk or to the beach and then home to cook a nice meal, but now I find I don`t have anyone to do those things with, I have friends but they are all couples and I am the odd one out .I feel strangely disconnected from my friends who are couples.I find not having a “significant other” and companion the hardest thing.We did everything together. I miss that the most.I feel comfortable in my own skin and I have lots to do but i feel strangely lonely… even when I am amongst people. Does anyone else feel like that?

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  • Sandra

    April 13th, 2017 at 9:40 AM

    ..Yes Heather…I feel the same…I’ve just passed 2yrs….I also have plenty to do, with a large garden and plenty of other house related stuff, I could be kept going most days all day, but can I be really bothered…I do all of it, but it’s with great effort….Everything seems pointless, but I force myself and I do feel better after…I’ve always been very comfortable with my own company, but that is getting tested to the limit now…All it takes is an off day or a tired day and I feel back to square one…I hate this ……I feel like a Hamster on a wheel somewhat….Going round and round and never getting anywhere….I’m getting confused now with the crying, I don’t know whether I’m crying for my husband or myself…Feeling sorry for myself….All the well wishers are long gone…it’s a battle for sure….My husband had only been retired 12 wks…he left work early with Lung Disease, he couldn’t cope anymore…I thought I would get at least a couple of years out of him, spend some quality time together at last…But alas it wasn’t to be…..The only comfort I’ve got is knowing there are others out there who are in the same position as me and never even got to spend as much time together as we did…x

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  • Heather

    April 13th, 2017 at 4:49 PM

    Hi Sandra.. You expressed it perfectly. At the beginning of my “journey” I was determined and gung ho and positive even through the tears and longing.At that time I got a fair bit of attention.Now that has all but dried up and life goes on for the rest of the world.It seems curious, but I feel like i`m treading water…biding my time.I live with my adult daughter and 15 year old grandson which gives me some comfort and I have an interesting full time job, but what I really want is to go for a car ride with my husband today and paddle on the beach and nudge him in the ribs and say ” wow! look at that surf!” The fact is.. there is no one who I can “nudge in the ribs” anymore.I`m positive by nature and I know my husband will want me to be happy but there have been a few tears in the last few days,quite unexpected tears at odd times… sort of like a yearning and longing to have him home for the weekend.It`s hard to plan things with other people when they are involved with their own lives.

    Reply

  • Jemina

    April 13th, 2017 at 7:34 PM

    Hi Heather and Sandra,
    I just read your sharings and I must say that after 2 and a half years I have made some progress but sometimes I feel that I miss him more as time goes by. I look around at things he touched and his office and it feels wrong that he is never going to be using all these things ever again. Sometimes I google old songs that remind me of our younger days and it gives me some periods of joy and even makes me feel like dancing. Having some really great girlfriends also helps . I have had that Hamster experience too where I keep going over the last few weeks and wishing that I had done this or that differently and spent more time talking to him before he took his last breath. Feeling guilty that he was sad and that I did not comfort him enough. I keep wanting to share a thought or a joke with him and it is just so heartbreaking that I can’t. I have heard that you should embrace this emotion, that it means you have loved that person selflessly. Maybe we should be thankful that we have had 40+ years of loving and being loved because there are many people who have never been so fortunate. xoxo

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  • Lhen

    April 16th, 2017 at 8:14 PM

    I can’t say anything that will lessen the pain we are experiencing. I lost my Macho Guapito Husband recently this year Feb 1, 2017. He had a massive heart attack , he was in coma and died in less than 24 hours. It was a sudden death and so traumatic . At this moment I can’t believed he was gone. Its hard to move on most of the days I”m crying and cannot sleep. I miss him so much. I know he is in heaven with our Lord . My son saw him in a white linen accompanied by 2 huge angels shining brightly. According to my son he saw his father transformed from age 53 to age 20. I’m in so much pain but hoping for I know we will meet again when my time comes. We need the strength of God to move on. God knows our struggle and pain. Our days will be different but we will all become an over-comer. God created each one of us with a purpose. I’m holding on to the promises of God that He will be my protector, my provider and my husband as a widow. God bless us and give us peace on this journey!!!!

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  • Annie

    April 17th, 2017 at 12:03 PM

    What a nice reply. I know how you feel Lhen. It will be one year on April 25th. Also unexpected. He died from the flu & pneumonia. He was 58. We had so many plans but God had a different plan. Today has been a very hard day. Some are worse than others. God has been my strength on this journey. Thank God for faith. I know I will see them both. I thought that yesterday on Easter what a celebration they must be having. God Bless you on this journey.

    Reply

  • Heather

    April 21st, 2017 at 3:11 PM

    Hi Lucy,I read your message and I agree with you. I have been watching you tube videos by
    Noah Elkrief and he says the same thing..’live in the moment”.I have been saved from a lot of unnecessary suffering by living in the moment.I find joy in little things and my awareness has been raised regarding my surroundings and I am joined to the Lord in my human spirit so He is in me and so “user friendly”. I can just call on His name and He is there.The other thing I do is when I have to do something I have never done before.. I have a go at it. I am pleasantly surprised when I succeed but if I don`t then I get some help. Today I have to replace the window hinges on my bedroom window. The irony is when we are at our weakest.. we are strongest. I do enjoy reading through everyones` stories. It encourages me and even though the support of friends and family drops off after a time,I know I`m not alone.

    Reply

  • Lucy

    April 23rd, 2017 at 6:27 AM

    Hi Heather thanks for Noah’s videos I am going to check them out too. The amazing thing about these videos is I download them onto my ipod and when my thoughts go astray and I can’t stop the mind chatter I listen to their words of hope and inspiration…instant relief. The other day, I walked outside in the sunshine and I realized my husband would not want me to wallow away in grief he loved me enough to want me to live every day and get as much out of it as possible. Every step I take and connect with the earth, the sounds I hear, the smells and sights around me…all are calling to me, ” I’m alive…I’m alive!” When I honor that, I am best honoring his memory. I came to this when I realized if it were me who died would I want my daughter to suffer over my loss every day or would I wish her to live her young life now and do her best to be happy? What would it benefit her or me if she wallowed in her grief. This is not to say one should not acknowledge their grief and pretend they don’t feel…I do. But I process the tears, write about them or talk to someone who can give me loving support and if no human is available I can and do talk out loud to God, in the car, as I take a walk. What I do not have the luxury of doing is letting the ‘stinkin thinking’ enter into the conversation, the one that berates me, beats up on me with the shoulda, coulda and woulda’s…because I’m really good at that, that comes automatically. Me victimizing myself is a dishonor to my husband, to myself and to God. The manner and timing of my husband’s death was always in God’s time, not mine. We were together until we both learned what we needed to learn and then move on. It could have been together for longer, sure, but at what cost. His cancer had entered the spine and if it had started to advance he was going to face more and more pain…I am so grateful that he passed away from a blood clot that took him in an instant and his last moments on earth was him talking about life, how he had this project he was working on in wood working class for our daughter. He was at peace those past 6 months, he had been working for over 50 years and knew nothing but work, work, work…he loved his work thank God but still the last 6 months of his life were of unbelievable spiritual growth. God did for him what I could never get him to do…and in so doing my husband had a calmness and peace that everyone marveled at. There are far worse deaths and we were blessed he didn’t have to face them. I miss him, afterall we have been together for over 40 years, but now I realize that I made him my God and leaned very heavily on my relationship to him, I have been fearing losing him from the day I married him. Now, I am forced to rely upon the one and only source of love, nurturing and support that will never, ever leave me, that is the eternal connection to God. Its now to this power greater than myself that I talk to, seek advice from and am willing to submit my old patterns of thoughts, manage my emotional states and improve my behaviors for the betterment of myself and others. I am fortunate because I have turned from the negative and made it into a positive…even just for a moment.

    Reply

  • Andrea

    May 15th, 2017 at 10:40 PM

    My husband passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago and I am distraught. We have been together for 25 years. He was the love of my life, my best friend and soul mate. I feel so lost, I feel like half of myself is missing, this pain is unbearable.

    Reply

  • Sadhika

    June 27th, 2017 at 9:53 PM

    Hi Andrea
    Its really very sorry for your loss. Yes I have same situation. I lost my beloved husband in April 2017. The time is very hard to coop the situation. I can feel your pain, grief and your situation… please we can share our feeling each others. I hope it help to reduce our grief. I am thinking my life is end now….. and it is very hard to move out from this situation. Therefore, I joined this site. I read all post by others and I find the same situation to others what I have. Please……. we can write our pain with this site. I wish your fast recovery and healing process through this Grief.

    Reply

  • Jemina

    May 16th, 2017 at 10:01 AM

    Dear Andrea,
    My heart goes out to you because I have experienced this pain and I know how devastating it is. Your loss is very similar to mine and I did not think I would survive but I did. It was not easy but I reached out to people who offered their support, church, family, friends, hospices offering spousal loss group meetings. The pain is intense right now but it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all. I am learning to be thankful for what we had. Many people are not that fortunate. Please take care of your health and remember that he would want you to go on.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    May 16th, 2017 at 12:11 PM

    …Hi Andrea…I’m so so sorry about your husband…It’s a terrible, terrible time for all of us…My husband has been gone just over 2yrs and I still miss him like hell…Think about him all day everyday still….I just don’t feel normal anymore, we were together 48 yrs and married for 44….2 weeks is absolutely no time at all, I know how you feel near enough, numb, lost, in agony, like you’ve lost your right arm…all of it…Bless you Andrea, try and stay strong….I know that doesn’t probably help you at all….But you are not alone….It helps a tad just to know there are others in the same boat going through the heartache you are…Look after yourself…x

    Reply

  • Debbie

    May 16th, 2017 at 5:15 PM

    Hi Andrea, I am so sorry for you , I lost my husband 8 months ago, we were together 52 years. He died at 69 years old, it is so hard. I think about him every single day, I try to think of the great time we had together, he was my best friend. My daughter and so are devestated. Some days are ok and others are terrible. Try and stay strong, he will help you . I am thankful for the good times we had together, but some days are just terrible. No words can help I am sure at this time, but just remember you are not alone during this trying time, this is a great group, we all seem to help each other . I am sure he would want you fo go on, Look after yourself,

    Reply

  • htlwf

    May 25th, 2017 at 11:55 PM

    very sorry for that…..

    Reply

  • Joyce E

    May 27th, 2017 at 11:25 AM

    I lost my husband last year in 2016 , July 23. We were married for 44 years. i Have been in a depression every since I have been very unhappy but I am seeing a Doctor. I hope this will help me but I don’t know.
    He was everthing to me and my children. We all miss him so much. please pray for me and my family. JOYCE
    I

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  • Patricia

    May 28th, 2017 at 6:25 PM

    Hi Joyce. I know exactly how you are feeling! It been about a little over three months since I lost my Steve! We were married for almost 54 years. He die 3 days before our 55th anniversary. It will be his 76th Birthday on 6/6/2017, I’m total devastated but, I know I’ll get through this nightmare because That is what my husband would want me to do! Yes ! I cry and talk to myself and sometime talk to my dead husband and cry some more! My doctor prescribed some medications that makes me feel worse, I’m not lonely, I just miss my soulmate and best friend. This is the most hardest thing that I’ll will every go through in my whole entire life. My husband died of COPD, he was suffering and half out of his mind in great pain for the last three years! The only consolation that we have is they are in a better place! Yes I’ll pray for each and everyone that has lost and please pray for me! R.I.P. my beloved Steve <3

    Reply

  • Teresa

    June 12th, 2017 at 11:12 AM

    My Husband died at 57, 6 months ago, suddenly from stage 4 lung cancer, like all I have read on the site, I have felt all of the emotional feelings, crying most of the time when on my own, being brave when others are near, to die in my arms, to tell him I would be alright, that it was alright to go, something I will never get over, I feel like all off you, I liked the numb feeling that last the first three month, I thought I will cope, I layer lawn in the garden, hired a large skip after the lawn was laid, filled it up, decorated bedroom, cut the conifer hedge, keeping the house tidy, done my will, well you never know, I really don’t know what’s going on anymore, keeping busy, I can’t do this for the rest of my life, It’s like I have to do certain jobs to complete, I don’t know why.

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  • graham

    June 13th, 2017 at 1:01 PM

    hi Teresa so sorry for your loss. I think we have entered a way of life which is so solitary. and we all act differently lost my love and best friend of 45 yrs 14 months ago .still in a daze like yourself I keep doing things around home .but there is no joy in it want our old life back just do things for distraction or would go mad ,sorry to be downbeat I think its quite a normal way to act after such a life change at least we had a love some don’t what can I say just be yourself and strong

    Reply

  • Teresa

    June 13th, 2017 at 1:36 PM

    Hi graham, please don’t apologise for being downbeat, I think we all are, today I have been on utube looking at hospice nurses experience, just to try to understand what my husband went through, to see if or what the chances are of him still being around in some way, I did feel comforted by watching, seems from the countless videos I watched, that he is still around just a transition that has happened, I am grateful for the time we had together always realised I had a good man, I miss him for the future we should be having together, my life has changed now 100% it has changed the person I was, I know have to find out who I am, you are right graham in what you say, let us hopefully feel ok very soon, as this isn’t the way to live

  • corinne

    June 18th, 2017 at 6:24 PM

    Hi ,
    I am sure it depends on your age. my husband took his life 5 yrs ago. I was 51. There is no recovery for me. I have 2 children that i stay alive for, and beside that, there is nothing. Grief groups, peers, and friends do nothing for me. I wish they did. I honestly pray that others find solace, strength, and resolution from others. My ship has sailed. I am waiting to die. No more, no less.
    God Bless all that are struggling

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  • Sandra

    June 19th, 2017 at 3:56 AM

    ….Hi Corrine..I’m so sorry for your loss….It seems no words are a comfort to you, so I would just like to say…you are not alone…I miss my husband terribly, and every day brings it’s own struggle without him…I would just like to say, as time goes by, I just hope your pain lessens and you can find some peace….x

    Reply

  • sadhika

    June 27th, 2017 at 4:18 AM

    Hi Corinne
    I am so sorry for your loss. I have same problem and my husband passed way in April 2017. Now I feel my world is completly empty. We both are physsically far for the work however our soul always together and we feel that every moment. After his death, I saw the different face of the people……. Everywhere I feel dark and every time I wish to die. Everynight I cry, no energy for cook, eat and sleep. I have no kids. I am almost alone. I have work but no energy to go to office and talk to people. I remember our 19 years married life and his love, courage, support and care. Suddenly I miss all. I have no reason to live in this world. My power, my energy everything gone with him…. How do I survive? yes I have parent, sisters but I never feel they are with me because he was everything for my life. He was my mentor, proessional guide who care my everything. Now I need to do all but I am really very alone. Every moment I miss him so much.

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  • Teresa

    June 27th, 2017 at 2:16 PM

    So Sorry Sadhika,
    For your loss, I think for now, we can only take a day at a time, I am never alone, as the memories are always popping up in my head, keep focused on chores, has kept me going since January, life has changed, I am not the same person anymore, I am getting a pup this week, for the company and being able to care for it, I don’t know how long we will feel like this, but for now we carry on, remembet, life can be good, sunny days, birds singing, just a day at a time, when you find yourself laughing at something, make the most of it as times like this they seem far and few in between, but we will get there.

    Reply

  • Patricia

    June 27th, 2017 at 7:43 PM

    Hi to all ♥ First ! I am truly sorry for your loss! I know exactly how you feel as I lost my husband of 55 years of marriage to COPD . It has been only a little over 4 months since my Steve has been gone and It hasn’t been easy to say the least! The first two months I though and wished that I would die, now I just don’t care! I really hope and pray to whom or whatever the powers to be? that you all are doing better than I am , as I finding it almost impossible to get through each day without going through some really dark time. I just want my old life back with my husband , logic tells me that isn’t happening…. I’ll never be the same and I’ll just have to except my new existence and get to know what my purpose is now ? I wish and hope with all my heart, for healing ♥ ♥ ♥ for all of us ♥ ♥ ♥ Take care of yourself and love yourself the way your beloved would love you ♥ ♥ ♥

    Reply

  • Sadhika

    June 27th, 2017 at 9:30 PM

    Hi Patricia
    It is hard to forget the past which we spent with our beloved one. I know what feeling you have right now and same feeling with me. I never thought that I will be alone in this world? However, I can not control the nature and its function. After all I lost my beloved husband and not only husband I lost my professional mentor, best friend because he was everything for me. His single word was my power. Still I am trying to hear his sweet word …… how are you my darling? I forget to laugh and every time I have tear in my eyes. I can not face the people. How hard this pain which I can not express. I pray with god to fast healing from sorrow the beloved lost . ……. I am asking with the people, is there any possibility to meet our beloved after his departure? Only one time I want to see him and want to hear his soft word….. ” How are you Darling”? I have very hard to move out from this pain, grief. My heart is broke.

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  • Kathy

    June 28th, 2017 at 1:05 PM

    Dear Sadhika,
    My heart goes out to you as you go through this the hardest of all kinds of loss: of your beloved. I unexpectedly lost my beloved husband of 31 years on August 18th, 2016. I am sad every day, missing him, and unable to say good bye or give up on him. I do, however, feel very blessed to be able to reply to your question about seeing your beloved again since his departure from this earthly realm. I feel blessed because I have had several wonderful experiences of my husband’s presence and communication with me since his body could not go on here. I want to encourage you and others as well, to find some spaciousness within and be open to the reality of this as being entirely and intimately possible for you. However, it will not happen on demand or with heavy expectations…the experiences I have had were all unexpected, spontaneous, light, bright, subtle…yet undeniable! The other thing is, I know for me…I always want more! The connections have been so joyous and up lifting, yet still I find they are followed by a deeper sadness and longing for him. Before I read your post I had just written in my journal about my needing to trust that the amount and frequency of these treasured experiences, that happened and will happen, are in just the right measure for what I truly need at any particular juncture in my life. And this includes the possibility of not hearing from him. What I mean is that though I may not perceive it, it does not mean he isn’t close by me, with and for me, responsive, supporting me, and watching out over me. I have to trust that my best interests are being cared for beyond my knowing and beyond what I want with every fiber of my being. So I don’t have experiences as often as I want…but I do go on and vividly recall touching him, I talk to him, sing to him, cry to him, write to him, invite him to go places with me, ask for his help…and I open my perception best I can to receive all the amazing potentiality of kinds of possible feedback. Ways I’ve heard from him include: in my dreams, a sudden relevant to us image or set of images pops in, a set of feelings that suddenly shift me out of the mood or mode I was operating in, hearing his voice speaking, a particular memory comes to me out of the blue , etc. Be encouraged that your broken heart is, in its pain and longing, a broken open place in you where you may be met by his enduring and devoted love for you in your pain and longing… I look forward to hearing more replies to your post as well as future posts from you. With love, Kathy

    Reply

  • Sadhika

    June 29th, 2017 at 9:20 PM

    Dear Kathy
    Thank you so much for your encouraging response and your feeling. I am really very sorry to know that loss of your soulmate even he was very young.
    It is unbearable pain after losing our beloved forever. Sometimes I am confused and asking myself what is my status now? Is this same Sadhika or different? What is my identity? So many questions are a swing in my mind. I am a very alone and empty in this world. I recalled my days and time that I spent with him. I use to read his lovely letter that was he sent me during the time I was far from his place. He loves to write rather a phone. Now, these all letters are my friends and I read it and I found he is around with me, and he looks me. At the same time, I have emotional volcano inside my heart and I cannot control….. And suddenly I burst like……. It is very hard for me to heal from this grief. Really I have no energy to live more and there is no any reason to live in this world. Just one time I want to see him and want to hear his words. Every night I invite him and request him to come in my dream but ………
    Kathy, the life is very hard without our beloved one and no meaning to survive anymore. I am losing my confidence, now everything comes in my head…. I don’t know how do I handle these? Even I cannot share such feeling with others because people have different interest. So that I am afraid to share even with my friends also. Anyway thank you so much for your lovely response and encouraging sharing.
    With love
    Sadhika

    Reply

  • Kathy

    July 1st, 2017 at 11:43 AM

    Dear Sadhika, Yes. All true. Very true. I feel you in how you express yourself in words. There are no usual answers available at this particular juncture in life. I keep crashing up against how my life has utterly changed and I have no control and am bereft. There is no usual help for me or you in this kind of loss…however I have felt supported in this place of devastation and the rip in the fabric of my life… Mike was my rock and my home for 31 years. He was only 58 when he had to go from this realm. True, I have friends and family who are there for me, but as most of them still have their husbands…they don’t understand in the same way. I value this blog because I hear everyone’s pain and open hearts, struggling to go on and courageously putting one foot in front of the other, one step at a time. I find it is a time of great up heaval, though I am in this peaceful home we created together. It is coming up on one year since he’s been gone from me. The 4th of July was always a fun time together and with family and friends. Wrenchingly indigestible is this loss. But some major support I have found and would like to share with you if you feel it may speak to you. I consult the I-Ching, or The Book of Change. It may be the oldest book on the planet. It was written down in 1150 BC in China, by King Wen followed by others, including Lao Tsu and later Confucius in 400 BC. I have studied it for many years by consulting it when processing my burning issues in life…and only I recently discovered a very wonderful website/online free consultation process that throws the coins instantly and provides an amazingly accurate responses. I feel God/Jesus/and even Mike are answering me intimately. It fits with any religion really. The address of the site is cafeausoul.com and click on I-Ching. You ask question, best to write it out first and then click on the toss coins bars 6 times. It contains comprehensive intuitive and scholarly expression of all the ancient texts and images by an amazing woman named Kari Hohne. It has been extremely helpful for me and I don’t think I could be coping as well as I have been without it as I feel the answers come from Heaven or that near and next dimension from which we all came and to which we all will return. Then, also, one other little book of poems that I love and want to share with you is by Jan Richardson, The Cure for Sorrow, A Book of Blessings for Times of Grief. She lost her beloved husband and wrote the poems and I highly recommend it to you. Both the I-Ching and this little book I have treasured…not that it takes the pain of loss away, but feels like companions on the journey. I will share a taste of the I-Ching from a recent reading I received regarding expressing my sorrow and longing for Mike. “Lifted up by what is pressing down, the Great untangles the night.” “Confront your fear of change. make sure guilt is not holding you back. Get helpers. Don’t go it alone. Stop thinking and fly. the energy is bigger than you and it is correct.” “You travel across the doorsill where two worlds touch. Yet, you are always travelling across a tapestry that transcends boundaries. Openness is required. As you travel onward, you have developed a sense of loyalty to carry with you…everywhere you go, there you are, in a giant tapestry of your unfolding. You cannot take hold of it, but you can not lose it. When you are silent, it speaks; when you speak, it is silent. The great gate is wide open…” Sadhika, keep writing. Don’t give up. Know that Baba loves you. My you find happiness in those little surprising moments amidst the excruciating sorrow of your days. This is a sacred, utterly vulnerable time in our lives: of being so broken open, of discovering how far this goes deeper inward and how big a place that truly is. Be kind to yourself. With much love, Kathy

    Reply

  • Sadhika

    July 2nd, 2017 at 12:01 AM

    Dear Kathy
    Thank you so much for your respone. You are so kind and really understand my feeling. Once again thank you so much for that link and name of the books. Defenitly I will read this.
    Once again thank you so much for your word ” Baba loves you”. You know I use to call my husband as a Baba. It is really touching and all words in your writing like my husband’s writing. Several time I read it . Now I have now words how can I express my feeling to you, how much your word touching me……oho God, some are very kind in this world…..like you.
    Once again thank you so so so much and with Love
    Sadhika

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  • Ava E

    July 3rd, 2017 at 5:18 PM

    I’ve just started my grieving. I lost my husband May 30, 2017. We got married December 2016. My best days of my life was spent with this man. I’m lost for words and everything.

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  • Lisa

    July 9th, 2017 at 8:12 AM

    I too am just at the beginning of this crappy trip.
    My wonderful husband Tim dies on 2nd July 2017. He was diagnosed with kidney cancer in February – and by then it was too late, it had also spread into his liver, lungs and brain.

    So I knew this was coming – but nothing prepares you. Tim and I didn’t meet until 2011. We married in October 2013. Everything about him was right for me. We built a great little life. With my son, we made an awesome family.

    Maybe all great love stories have tragic endings? I know he is gone. I watched him die. I saw his body in the coffin. he’s ashes now.I know he can never come back. But I hate it. I hate being without him. And I can’t reconcile the I know he is gone with the depth of how much I want him back.

    I have to be here – my son needs me. But I don’t know how to do this. I’m a survivor. And a fixer – but I don’t think I can doe either of those things. I wonder how long it takes to die of a broken heart?

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  • Teresa

    July 9th, 2017 at 2:14 PM

    Hi Lisa,
    I am so sorry for your loss, I am 6 months in, worst journey I have been on in my life, be open minded, I too saw my husband die, so yes I know I won’t see him again in body, but I do feel his with me, somebody who loves you with there soul, cannot disappear, I had a big brown feather appear in my bedroom , never ever happened before, after I asked for a sign he was there, dreams so real, that I can touch his skin,, these whatever reasons are getting me through, very far and few in between each other, but love is what the soul is all about, I’m not really religious, but these happenings are beginning to make me rethink. Be there for your son, he is a good reason to get up for everyday, he will help you through this horrible time or until the journey gets easier, all the very best
    Teresa

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  • Patricia

    July 17th, 2017 at 12:23 AM

    I just don’t know what to said! There is so many of us that’s having a really bad time of coping with our loss! It’s now been 5 months since my husband has died and I think I’m going crazy? The other night I though I heard my husband calling my name! I have no one to talk to that understands what I am going through! My loss of my husband of 55 years of marriage sometimes get unbearable , I feel like a wounded animal that is dying of a slow death! Sometimes a walk will help but, i started crying half way home today! I force myself to get out of the house everyday and have some sort of plan to keep myself busy! I hope in time I’ll find some meaning in this life because where I am at is not living! When I am with friends and family I put on a good act and tell them “I am Okay” !!……..I don’t think I’ll ever be Okay again! I have appointment with the Doctor Tuesday for a CT scan of my lungs because I get panic attacks and they want to make sure its not something else ……….. Sorry for my ramblings ! I will Pray for all of you and Please Pray for me! Love Patricia

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  • Cathy

    July 17th, 2017 at 8:53 AM

    Patricia, I understand how you feel. I lost my husband in January, he was only 66. I am 55. We were married for 27 years, my best friend. I miss his voice, his humor, his hugs, his face. I miss my old life. I do not like to new life and will never get over him. I too tell friends and family I am “ok” only because I guess they are tired of me crying, sobbing and feeling lonely. Until you have experienced a loss like we have, a person does not understand. I ask God why he put me on this path, if there a reason? How will I find a way to live the rest of my life without my husband. I feel your pain and sadness Patricia.

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  • Jemina

    July 17th, 2017 at 9:03 AM

    Dear Patricia, you are going through the worst stage of grief. I remember that at that stage I was on the phone all day with friends who had gone through this and it helped a bit. But of course going to bed and waking up were times when you have to go it alone and just talk to God. Praying for you.
    Jemina

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  • Sandra

    July 17th, 2017 at 9:11 AM

    …Hi Jemina…I haven’t been on here for a quite a while, but I still think about everyone on this horrific journey on here…I’m at 2yrs 4 months and I am moving slowly forward…I’ve just about accepted the fact my husband has gone, but he lives on in my heart…I feel somewhat that he is still with me…I can feel him around me some days, and the feeling is so strong….You are right though…I find the longer this goes on, I’m missing him more….It just helps so much to know I’m not alone on this journey…This site has been a big help to me, I’m so pleased I found it….Stay strong everyone….x

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  • Jemina

    July 18th, 2017 at 10:44 AM

    Hi Sandra, thank you so much for your reply. I learnt in a spousal loss group, among many other good things, that our grief means that we loved our spouse unconditionally and we need to go through the pain before we can get better. We just need to remember to treat our grief like a baby and put it down to sleep so we can renew our strength to carry on. I have come to the conclusion that he lives on in me and if I make the best of what is left I am carrying on his legacy. Take care and God bless.

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  • Rebecca S.

    July 17th, 2017 at 10:48 AM

    haven’t been on a while either. inspired by 2 above. this week is 21 months. the suffering is more so. i am beyond bereft. all i want is my beloved. i am terrified and feel i cannot go on. i have not been able to find any helpful therapists. i don’t know if this calls for it. in person ones. widows know. i do not want to be without my beloved and the tears would fill buckets. not going to scroll around too much as it would not be good for me now but i do not know who is on who remembers me. best to all. this is suffering. i am not doing it well. i do not want it to be true. after all this time i still say that . despondent…………and i love my husband so so so so so much. i am sure you all understand. thank you

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  • Patricia

    July 17th, 2017 at 1:36 PM

    Dear Cathy, Jemina, Sandra , Rebecca and Everybody ! I Thank You all for for being here ! This site has help me express my pain and loss that I can’t do with others! I know we are all in a place in life that others can’t possibly understand unless they have been there! Yes Rebecca! I know your pain! It’s unbearable and debilitating , I am Praying for you! Today I need to eat breakfast and try to make plans for the day! why? I don’t know? I just going to do it! because if I don’t I think? “I’ll never get better ” Love, Patricia “Pray for me as I’ll pray for all of You”

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  • Lindsey

    September 10th, 2017 at 9:43 PM

    I just stumbled upon this site as I try to cope with the loss of my husband of 32 years in March, 2017. We have 5 children, 2 still young, all of us coping differently. We are all heartbroken. Unfortunately, I carry a burden of guilt along with the pain and grief of the loss of the most precious man, so underserving of all he endured. My guilt is not self-imposed. It is real; I am guilty. I didn’t cherish him as I wish so much I had. I didn’t make him feel special or appreciate his love fully. I accept that I deserve this pain; he didn’t. I so, so wish I had cherished every day, every moment, every bit of his beautiful, loving spirit. He was a gift, and he made my life rich. I want to thank him more; I want him here. I wonder if he is spiritually present in some real way… Everyone thinks I’m ok, on the other side of the worst pain. I know people want that for me, and I understand that. I choose to put on my “happy face” every day and do life. I cry privately, mostly. But I don’t imagine ever being ok, and I don”t really deserve or hope for that. I am thankful for the gift I was given for 32+ years: Boundless love, beautiful spirit, wonderful man. I want him to be here in some real way. Does anyone relate to any part of my ramble?

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  • Sandra

    September 11th, 2017 at 5:42 AM

    …Hi Lindsey…So sorry for your loss….Yes…I can relate a lot to what you have written..I too feel a certain amount of guilt…My husband was ill for a number of years before he died, in the end it wore me down somewhat…I maybe wasn’t as compassionate as I should have been…I feel guilt for that reason but I can’t help the kind of person I am…I just wish I had tried harder at times…He too was a wonderful man….I feel now I didn’t deserve him and feel guilt for maybe not being good enough for him….He too made my life rich, I know now for sure I wouldn’t have had a life without him….He was the best thing that ever happened to me…I can see that now…now it’s to late…I just thank god I met him….I’m sure what we are feeling are all normal feelings in the circumstances…just part of the grieving process….It’s a long sad journey for sure….Please be kind to yourself and try not blame yourself…I’m sure you don’t deserve any of it….Look after yourself and take one day at a time …as they say….Good luck to you and your children…x

  • Rebecca S.

    July 17th, 2017 at 3:05 PM

    thank you patricia. reread your ending. d o you think you will ever “get better”or not? i think i am worse. i am at 1.75 years next week where are you in time from loss? also my mama died 6 months ago next week. i grieve 2. steve died first. not natural that my beautiful brilliant 67 yr old husband should pre decease my 92 yr old mom with alz. all sad. the ones i love most who love me most. of course i made a life with steve and now it is ……gone. you all know. i hate this. prayers and wishes to all but really for me i have no hope. good wishes

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  • Patricia

    July 17th, 2017 at 8:07 PM

    Aw! Rebecca, I am So Sorry! I have trouble putting my thoughts together, I am mess! My husband Steve died 5 months ago!….. I have lost A Sister , Daughter, Mother and my only Grandson in the last 10 years!~ ……I can tell you losing My Husband is the worst thing that ever happened to me! I really don’t think I can get over or through this one But, I am going to give it my best! I hope you and I get better and we find some purpose for whats left of our lives! If I could only get over reliving his dying, my Steve suffered for over 6months in & out of the hospitals . He died Feb. 18, 2017 At 8:00 am pst. of copd. I’ll pray for you Please pray for me. Love Patricia

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  • Patricia

    July 17th, 2017 at 8:27 PM

    Rebecca, The only good thing that I can say right now is I was there for my husband and I’ll always love him. I know that pills and therapy isn’t going to help me, maybe time will? Love, Patricia

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  • Amy

    July 24th, 2017 at 11:41 AM

    I have read so many of these posts and I am so sad that there are so many of us that are going through the same thing or “journey”. My husband, Bill passed away in a single car accident on his way to work on 06-16-2017. He hit a tree and all I can say is it has devastated me. Bill was on 55 years old and I will be 45 on 7/27. I am so sad and grief stricken and I just can’t even imagine what happened that morning. All the “I wonder if” or “I should have” done’s have entered my mind. We live in a small town and we relocated here to take care of my parents and now I am so sad because my husband was taken away from me too soon. There are no grief support groups here in town and none at the local churches, I just dont understand that especially with the population being more elderly. But with that said, I decided to move in with my parents as I just can’t go in to our house-right now there is no point my husband is not there. While I thought the best decision would be to stay with my parents I don’t think it is. I feel like they don’t understand and really all they want me to do is to get up and get at least out of the house. I don’t feel like doing anything, I just want to stay inside and go to bed at least when I do sleep a little it is more tolerable. I just keep thinking, why me? Why take Bill? I have no answer. I don’t understand and I feel I never will. I have no friends as we were more reserved and my days consisted of taking care of my parents house and their needs and our house and our needs. I use to do everything, now I do nothing except sit here and imagine my life is going to be lonely. How pathetic to be like this. We had no children so it will be even more miserable and if my parents die before me than I will be an orphan. I am not suicidal but I can not ever see this getting better. I can’t see going anywhere in public because I don’t want to see couples together. I guess I am jealous, I guess I am mad. I don’t go to church but I believe in God. The funny thing is, I am not mad at God, I’m not mad at Bill…I am mad at myself. This was my first marriage and we were married not quite 6 years. We had alot of ups and we had a lot of downs but I love/d Bill. I just wish I knew Bill was okay, I wish I knew he was in Heaven. I keep asking for signs but get nothing. I just feel lost and alone. I wished there a place where we all could talk and get through this together. I guess that is why I am writing just to put some words in a post, to do something. I know his death is recent and it was so all of the sudden. I feel worse for my Bill then I do for myself. I just pray that God didn’t take him before his time. Does anybody ever think like that? Thank you evryone for allowing me to ramble on.

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  • Julie

    July 25th, 2017 at 6:24 PM

    Hi Amy, Please know that is will get better…..I promise you it will. I lost my husband on 5/7/16 due to complications of diabetes. Our son was there at the hospital and I had to attend his high school graduation one week later. It was heart wrenching and my son was devastated. He had to go through one of the happiest moments of his life, knowing is father had just passed away. They were really close and I think I mourned for him too. I know my husband loved life and loved being with family and I couldn’t just shut down. I had to be there for all the people that loved us too. It kept me going and the people at my church and our neighbors were a godsend. I have a large extended family and they did their best to keep me occupied. But the other part of you is missing and it is not something you can just ignore. You have to try to find the best in the time you had together and hold on to those times. It may take awhile for you to not only come to except it, but to also see they would want you to be happy or at least at peace. Take each day at a time. Find things that bring you back to when you were together and embrace them, don’t be sad about them. They are still there. You will find in time it will get better, each and every day and you will find the will not only to go on, but to be content with the life you are living now. We were married 30 years and he died at 55. It is a rough journey but I know one that he would want me to be brave and endure. My prayers are with you and don’t try to see past tomorrow – just live for today. It will get better.

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  • graham

    July 25th, 2017 at 12:50 AM

    hello amy so sorry for your loss lot my wife 9/3 /16 . I find it hard to write my thoughts on paper but I’ll try nobody will quite get what its like to lose a loved one its hell . unless they are walking the same path I still worry about my wife Tricia if she’s safe like yourself we had no friends just needed each other. I think about her all the time after 45 years together how could I not. still love her so much always will its very normal to feel the way you do why wouldn’t you we have no choice . I talk to people but in the back of my mind all I think of is my old life you are not alone in in the way you think its because you found love some don’t sorry for going on but its how I feel. be strong be you

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  • Patricia

    July 27th, 2017 at 11:45 PM

    You are right Graham! It is Hell! Each day I force myself to get up and try to do something! Yes ! I will always love and miss my husband as you will always love and miss your wife’s physical present in everything you do! We all live in a special hell! We have no choice but , to be strong in our sufferings! We have a new life with very little joy! So Be It ! Patricia

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  • Sandra

    July 28th, 2017 at 3:23 PM

    ….Paula C….So sorry you have lost your beloved….We all know how you feel….Lost…. alone and desolate….Widowhood is a lonely and dark place…But please give it time…a lot of time….Healing is before you…Not completely, but to a point where you can function…By the sounds of it your children are well into adulthood….Don’t worry about them, worry about yourself….Be strong….You can do it, just go with it….x

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  • Paula C

    July 29th, 2017 at 11:04 AM

    I know i am not the only one that is going threw this,but i feel so alone. I went back to work a few days a week to get out.I am very mixed up if i should stay in my home of 30 years,I have so many things around here to let go. I am going to try it for a year then make the decision. 48 years of marriage is a long time.

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  • Jemina

    July 29th, 2017 at 10:27 AM

    My heart aches for everyone of you who have been sharing your stories of unbelievable pain and heartbreak which I can relate to. Today would have been our 45th Anniversary and he would have been 65 one week ago and we would have been having a party at our house to celebrate both like we did 5 years ago for the 60/40 with renewal of vows. I miss my one and only love every day but I’m thankful that we had 42 years before God took him home. Grief is hard work and it takes a toll on you. Although I am a private person I allowed others to help me through the worst times and I would encourage everyone to seek help and accept it. Eventually you will be able to help others because there will always be someone else going through this.

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  • Teresa

    July 30th, 2017 at 10:45 AM

    I find now after 7 months of losing my husband, I relive the last 42 years of being with him, he will never leave my mind or soul, different memories, experiences we learnt together, growing up together, one of us had to go first, sudden to soon, but it had to happen, I loved him so much, that I’m glad he didn’t have to go through this what is happening now, it is so sad that your life kinda ends with a partners death, but I count my blessings that I had him to be with.

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  • Sandra

    July 31st, 2017 at 2:04 AM

    ..Hi Teresa…. loved reading your comment, you could have written it for me..It’s how I feel exactly, I’m just over 2 yrs now…I cannot believe where the time has gone…I do exactly the same, relive our life together all the time over and over…I feel a lot more calm inside now about his passing, I’m just so glad I met him, I’ve got some lovely memories, some people don’t get that…At the end of the day, we are lucky to have had love…..Stay strong….!

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  • Debbie

    July 30th, 2017 at 6:14 PM

    Dear Teresa, I feel exactly as you do, we were Also married 46 years, and I would not want him to be going through what I am going through. It is sad that life has to be so hard sometimes. I agree with you that our life ends with our partners death. Courage to you my dear. Xx

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  • Rebecca

    July 31st, 2017 at 9:17 PM

    we are all saying your life ends with your partners death. now what? forever sad? half alive? tomorrow is 93 weeks. i am so sad…….alll i want is my beloved.you know? you know. lost. how to live an ended life???? or when to end a life that is already ended? are we saying the same thing? so sad. forever. and such love. forever. blessings, widows. i hate this widow hood…….am i waiting to join him? waiting. as if we could hug and kiss in our neighboring graves. sadder……

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  • Rebecca

    July 31st, 2017 at 9:31 PM

    dear grievers i haven;t been here (this site….still in this bed) for a while. scrolled back a year and here are some of us. what now? i am so anxious that time passes and the misery, the suffering persists, i’ve had some help decluttering but my heart is full of the absence of my love. you know. so how are we doing? not well. (me). so sad. despair. love to you all. i don’t know what to do . i think my functioning is 25=30%.. some days are all tears. i want to write about Us and about Him my love. then something else in the house breaks. water coming thru the wall. i am so tired of this sadness. time has not gone backwards. will …..will anything be ok, ever? all i want is steve so i guess that means no. i do love my cats. sometimes sleep comes. best to you all.is there a best? suffering, misery.oh.you know….xo from still sad me . thank you (* sadder than sad. much sadder than sad…..)

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  • Wend

    October 1st, 2017 at 6:47 AM

    Come on Becky, those casts need you, your all they have got . Tell me about then- their names- How many do you have. I look forward to hearing how your going about about your 4 legged fur babies.

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  • Kathy

    August 1st, 2017 at 9:01 AM

    Dear Rebecca, Yes…sad, devastating loss of our most loved ones. Your loss is so very recent. My husband has been gone almost a year and I can hardly believe it how fast the year went past…still seems he was just here yesterday… The very fabric of my life ripped. My Mom who lived with us here at home for six years passed 9 weeks after he did. His death was not expected…being only 58 years old. We were together for 31 years, though that seems too short. My life … is not ended, but it has been shaken to the very foundations… Strong is my link with him and with our past. The little things…memories of instances together…bring me to tears or to laugh and smile. Yet it is an aching constant of his missing-ness. Yet, I also feel certain…whilst everything else feels so uncertain…that he is in and with Life and Love and being there, wants me to be happy. It doesn’t mean my happiness would exclude him… And not that I’ve found happiness or my footing yet…I feel very uncertain, lost, lonesome for him and reluctant to “go on without him.” However, somehow I am to finding a way, in spite of myself, since my choices are limited…one step at a time. I see the world and my own life in an entirely different way now…and I keep sidestepping toward just what that means for me… In life, we know we are going to die…but we don’t have a choice generally…I sincerely doubt that suicide is what any of our beloveds would want for us…I keep being asked on the inside to look to what I can find to be grateful about and there is alot. So its is a shaken up, dark, and tender and vulnerable time this widowhood… I pray for each of you in this time of separation from what a big part of the blessing of was to take them for granted…his presence in our day in and day our lives… Love is for us…Life is for us…even when it looks like its is the worst…somehow I have to trust or am learning to trust…that there is the mystery, miracles, and grace evident even in the little things. Doesn’t make it less difficult… Just don’t give up. I trust the truth of his love for me and that helps to shed a light upon my uncertain path…helps me to not have to know what is still here for me, but to have a sense of trust. I hope all can find a sense of spiritual support in the midst of this excruciatingly difficult time in our lives. Love to you, Rebecca, and to all who are still here on earth with a loved one who has already passed on the next place.

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  • Cathy

    August 1st, 2017 at 11:34 AM

    Kathy, thank you for your note. 6 months ago yesterday My dear husband died, 23 days after a devastating stroke. He was only 66 years old. We had been together for 27 years. My best friend, my soulmate. I don’t know why God has put me on this Journey, why he took my Ken away, what am I supposed to do here now without him. When he died, my future died. Some many questions. I read all of the notes, articles that come from this community of Grief. They are so familiar. Some bring me to tears, some give me Hope. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to reply with your feelings. No one understands how we feel unless they have been through what we continue to go through.

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  • Rebecca

    August 7th, 2017 at 11:36 PM

    so glad i am reading you all more slowly and carefully. sad and beautiful words. our sad lives and once we were happy. 94 weeks ago tonight my husband and i went to sleep together. he did not wake.. now i can never sleep again. this will wear me out. i am in love with him. i want to be together. i have no faith in a place where we meet but we will be side by side in dirt and whenever i wear out from this stressful sadness i hope i won’t be consciously suffering as much as we all are. for now passion flowers wrap the house and i’m about to get a little closer to a beloved tabbie cat. i miss my human. so do they. best to all, dear grievers, as best as we can be which is kind of bad……take care

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  • Teresa

    August 16th, 2017 at 2:43 PM

    It’s been very hard lately, less able to cope than usual, sobbing seems to come so quickly, the waves are practically drowning me, 8 months now since my husband passed, the quietness in the house can be unbearable, the future is frightening, I would never end my life, but I somehow hope for a ending to come, don’t care how just to end this sadness and lonely existence, tomorrow is another day, but I know will be the same, is this really it…. a sad life, constantly thinking of my husband, missing him more and more

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  • Sandra

    August 16th, 2017 at 3:34 PM

    …Hi Teresa….8 months is hardly any time at all….I ( indeed all of us ) know how you feel…This site has helped me basically because it lets me see I’m not alone…I’m not the only person suffering this long drawn out hell…I’m at 2 and a half years and can still fill up at the drop of a hat….But, you will learn to live with your situation, sad as it is at the moment….I still find myself thinking about my husband a great deal of the time…I think this is how it will always be now….I can feel happy now, I can laugh, I remember him with warmth in my heart….I’m afraid there’s always a price to pay and this is it…..Just be patient with yourself, give yourself all the time you need….It will get better, but it will always be different now…Look after yourself…x

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  • Paula

    August 16th, 2017 at 3:35 PM

    Teresa, i know how you feel it is 6 months for me,thinking it will get better,but it doesnt. But our loves of our lifes would not want this for us!

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  • Patricia

    August 16th, 2017 at 10:48 PM

    It has been 6 months since my husband has passed as well. Every day he is in my thoughts and I no longer cry a bucket of tears. I just feel so sad and heart broken ! Yes , I could be standing in a line at the bank and a tear will roll down my cheek and sometimes will be smiling and talking to a friend and my eyes will well up with tears and again I must pull out my hanky and wipe away the tears! You see I was married for 55 years and I miss My Husband! This is my new life ! Patricia

  • Jemina

    August 16th, 2017 at 7:35 PM

    Hi Teresa and Paula, I feel your pain and it reminds me of what I went through during the first year. I had many friends to call for help along with spousal loss groups and my Pastor. They really helped me through the various stages of grief. Now the grief attacks come and go and I miss my husband every day even after 34 months but I have learnt to allow myself to enjoy the family and friends I have with me and my favourite hobby which is singing and playing music. I wish I could have him back because I have never been loved by anyone else and he was unique. Now I am beginning to rely on the good memories for comfort. I hope this is of some help and encouragement to carry on.

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  • Michele

    August 17th, 2017 at 10:49 AM

    My beloved Harry died a month ago today at age 55 from a 3 weeks battle with pancreatic cancer. He went from our sons wedding on June 16th to the ER on June 27th to hospice then to heaven to be with Jesus. The shock and tragedy pulled the rug out from under me and our adult children, then we felt hit by a mack truck and rolled over several times by tanks. The sadness, sorrow and despair have been knives in our guts. No warning, no idea and yet after doing a bit of research realized he probably got the first cancer cell nearly 12 years ago…truly the silent killer. He died on a Thursday and we put together a Celebration of Life service in 2 days. Friends, family and co-workers all pulled together to give this beautiful man a fitting tribute. In the rawness of it all, what shone through was the love each person had for Harry. It was bittersweet. Before he died, I had 4 days to talk with him before he couldn’t talk anymore. I asked him what he was thinking about. He said he was in the present, no regrets, cocooned with Jesus and felt everyone’s love so profoundly. His pain was very well controlled and he knew he was going to heaven as he had Jesus in his life as his personal savior. I asked him what he thought about leaving me behind. He grabbed my hand and said he would be waiting for me to come to him in heaven and he would be busy planting all the beautiful flowers I love around the garden around our mansion in heaven. I wept so much. That is the image I cling on to of him planting flowers for me. I allow myself time to grieve each day, then I read, write in my journal thoughts that occur to me, happy memories, silly nicknames, things that make me smile. I write them all down like treasures. Each day I plan to go out and be mindful about what I’m doing, who I see. I go back to work after labour day; that routine will be good for me. I see my children nearly every day and we talk or text multiple times a day. What a journey. I weep and hug each memory with gratitude that my man is alive in heaven and I will see him again one day. Until then, adieu my love…mwahhh!

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  • Debbie

    August 17th, 2017 at 2:06 PM

    As you say Michelle it is definitely the silent killer, my husband dies of the same think, it will be a year on September 15th, but we had a year exactly to say our good byes, cry and hug, but he suffered the whole year. My thoughts and prayers go to you and your family, it is so nice to have our family help comfort, but hard for them too. I am sending positives vibes your way my dear. He will always be helping you. Xx

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  • Trina G.

    August 22nd, 2017 at 2:57 PM

    Hi all,
    It’s been awhile since I last posted here, but I do get email alerts, so I’ve been reading everyone’s posts and crying along with u..:( I don’t know you all, and may never meet any of u in my lifetime..but I want you all to know, that I am with you in your grief and loss and of course, in spirit…♥ We all share this one thing in common, this never ending heartache that binds us all together in one big Sisterhood..♥ I can’t write as eloquently as many of you, but I just want to share what’s in my heart, the best way I know how…

    Just to recap…I lost my dear, sweet Hubby Chris, of nearly 20 years on October 8, 2016. Although I have been trying to return to some kind of normalcy, I’m still finding it very difficult to accept that my Best Friend is gone. I can be smiling and laughing with our two adult kids one minute, or playing with our 20 year old kitty cat, when a memory hits me, or something he said, or did, and then I laugh and cry. I was cooking dinner the day he called me, in distress.I still remember running so fast, not feeling my feet hit the floor, as I ran over to help him. Now, whenever I’m cooking, I start crying uncontrollably…I often go into his sock drawer, and smell his shirts, his clean underwear that I always had washed n folded neatly. I use his shirt that he loved so much as a pillow case..his scent comforts me…I cry n sing to him at bedtime, pretend I’m gently tapping the tip of his nose like I used to love to do…It’s just a cruel emotional roller coaster that seems to never want to stop, and let u off. (for lack of a better analogy) And although i try to tell myself, convince myself that he’s in a better place, and without pain or suffering, I still keep coming back to that dull ache and emptiness that only we as Widows and Widowers can truly understand. Even though we were 15 years apart in age, he being older, I learned so much from him. He was so smart, so emotional, was never afraid to cry, as most men sometimes are. I remember how we’d laugh at comedies, at each other’s jokes, his hearty, loud laugh that would sometimes prompt me to shush him lol But now, I’d give anything,anything to hear that laugh again…:((( I was his caregiver for many years, and now, I have no job, and have been looking for a work at home position for months now, with no luck. I am just so afraid that I’m not ready to re-enter the workforce,(outside the home) at this time. I am an introvert, I’ve always had a difficult time being around too many people and too much noise and distraction. I love my solitude, but even that is sometimes a burden. I don’t know what I’d do without my children here, helping keep a roof over my head. At the same time, I feel completely and utterly helpless, as if I’m a burden to them. And that’s what truly bothers me…My daughter is 28 going on 29 next month, and should be getting on with her life with her longtime boyfriend. I feel that she’s babysitting me, and feels she can’t go on unless she knows I will be ok and able to emotionally and financially support and sustain myself. Same with my son, who is 23. He works hard and sees very little of his paycheck each month. :(( I just feel so awful and want so much to just up and run away and keep running til I find my Hubby..but I know that’s not realistic..i keep telling myself…I don’t have a car ( although I never learned to drive) or any means of transportation, but want so desperately to go to the Veterans Cemetery where he is laid to rest, to go and sit with him and talk to him, cry with him, laugh with him, again..like old times…My dear brother was so sweet and patient to drive us to the cemetery the day of his funeral, and I haven’t been able to go back since…it’s just too far!!! I am so angry with myself and feel so guilty and anxious that he thinks I don’t love him enough to visit his gravesite…it hurts me to my soul that he’s disappointed in me…I still feel so guilty that although I tried so desperately to save him using CPR, until the paramedics arrived. They worked on him for what seemed like forever, until he was taken to the ER. I keep going over in my mind, if I had done this quicker, or if I had just been stronger and not let him call the shots at the Doc’s Office, the day before he passed away, maybe he’d still be here. I didn’t know at the time, that he had been suffering from walking pneumonia for weeks, until I insisted he see his Doctor. He was supposed to get a chest X-ray on October 7th, but wanted to go home, becuz he was so tired that day of waiting to see the Doctor. I insisted he get the xray that day, but being stubborn and set in his ways, he overruled me, and I gave in. We went home that day, and he was gone the next day…:((( I still have his appointment card for his chest X-ray, and it serves as a painful and haunting reminder of what could have been..
    I’m so sorry guys for going on n on…I keep crying, telling him that I’m sooo sorry I couldn’t save you hun, I miss you so much baby, please don’t be angry with me, I tried so very hard to save you,I hope you know that and forgive me…I just wish I knew if you were ok, if I had some kind of reassurance that you are at peace, long last..that you are up there joking and laughing, and making others laugh..that you see your Mom and Dad again, that you nursed and cared for, while they were dying of cancer…that you’re shootin the breez with your old friend, Jesse Lee, who you loved so much…that you’re laughin it up with your fave actor, Jerry Lewis, whom you often laughed so hard, watching his movies with Dean Martin…I just want you to be happy where you are, if you can’t be happy here on earth with us anymore…I miss you soooo very much my “Canyon Chris”, my love, my best friend…:(((( ♥♥♥

    May God bless, keep and strengthen you all each day…Take care everyone…♥

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  • Patricia

    August 26th, 2017 at 8:11 PM

    Dear Trina, I was able to read half of heart breaking letter before I just broke down and cried for over an hour! How an I going to get through this ! It’s been 6 months since my husbands died and I just read your letter and I know your pain! I went to the Doctor yesterday and she told me that I need to see a specialist for my lungs and heart! Oh well ! I can tell her without seeing another doctor That I am dying of a broken heart! Thanks for listening and God bless. Patricia

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  • Paula

    August 27th, 2017 at 10:48 AM

    Patricia, my honey died Feb 25 this year,I go to see him 3 times a week,and talk to him,we were married for 48 years,he died right in front om me from a heart attack. I tryed to do cpr,but nothing worked,they tryed to keep him alive for 2 day before my 3 kids and I said good bye,I never thought I would go threw this,nothing in my life is worth anything anymore,my best friend is gone. I know we have to go on,but I try everday,but I keep on thinking what is there for me,I know my kids are around but they have there own family,I am so lonely,Sundays were our day to sit around,go shopping sometimes,but we were always togther,that was our day,now today I sit and cry. I hate went people say it will get better but try it,it is not.

  • Trina G.

    August 27th, 2017 at 11:05 AM

    Hi Patricia, thank u for ur heartfelt reply…♥ I’m so sorry for your loss, I’m sure the pain is still pretty fresh for you at this time. :( I know what you mean as well, about the Doc. I’ve cried so much in front of my Doc , about my pain and loss. It sometimes seems that no one understands what you are feeling. And how could they, especially if they have not experienced the loss of a loved one, particularly, a Spouse. I think it’s safe to say that we all need a “Heart Specialist”. But sadly, this is a heart condition no Heart Specialist can ever fix..:((( Only time and prayer, along with caring loved ones, can get us thru this pain. But even still, it will always be ever present, even with the passage of time. Speaking of Docs, I have an appointment tomorrow, ironically with the last Doc that saw my Hubby before he passed away the very next day. This will be extra hard to see him, without breaking down. :(( I have been trying to prepare myself mentally, physically and emotionally..he was the one who suggested my Hubby get the chest X-ray because he had heard, what he referred to as: ” a lotta junk going on in his lungs”. Anyways…before i go on n on again, I will just say I will say a prayer for u Patricia, God bless u Patricia, I hope God protects and heals your broken heart, and all of our broken hearts…Stay well dear..♥♥♥

  • Kitty

    September 23rd, 2017 at 12:54 AM

    Dearest Trina G, I have lurked here for over a year and your post struck a special cord with me. It has been 19 months since my husband died. He was 15 years older and as hard-headed as your dear hubby. Like your hubby, he was wise, kind, intelligent and someone that others went to with their problems because they knew he was always willing to help when he could. I learned so much from him and was so proud to call him my husband. We lived life for each other. My life totally revolved around him. He loved the same comedians as your hubby so it must have been a generational thing. :)
    I retired from working part-time about 8 months before his death because he had become a little “frail” and I knew it was likely that he would die before me and I wanted to devote all my time to him. Little did I know he would die so soon.
    He had not felt well for about one week but refused to go to the doctor. I talked with his doctor on the phone and he ordered a chest X-ray, but hubby refused. I finally got him to agree to the x-ray and it was scheduled for 2 days later. However, that night he developed shortness of breath and was taken by ambulance to the emergency room. He was diagnosed with pneumonia and was to be admitted “for a few days” and then go home, according to the doctor. A few minutes later my husband looked at me and said, “Im sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry” and he stopped breathing and died. His death was due to sepsis.
    I tell you this because I have no doubt that if your husband had had the opportunity he would have said the same words to you as my husband said to me. He loved you too much to have ever wanted to do anything that would hurt you. He just was not able to control what happened to him so he did not have the opportunity to tell you. Men of our husband’s generation tend to be very stoic and protective of their spouses. If he had the choice he would never have put you in the horrible situation you faced when he died. My heart aches for you and tears are flowing down my face. You were as helpless as I was when my husband stopped breathing. But, neither of them wanted it to be this way. It was out of their, and our, control.
    I am still in tremendous pain and hate every moment of my life, or what is left of it. I feel hopeless and helpless and struggle through each day. But, I do try to remind myself of what life could have been for my husband had he not died so suddenly. If he had ever become totally dependent on me, in a wheelchair or suffered a debilitating illness he would have been one miserable soul and I would have hated it for him. Perhaps it was a blessing for him to die suddenly, I just don’t know, I just don’t know………… but I find some peace in that thought.
    I visit his grave about every three months to replace the flowers. He knows how difficult the trip is for me, emotionally, and I know he understands. Your husband does too. I feel my husband’s presence in our home, not at the cemetery. I hope something I have said is a help to you. A 15 year difference in age is an experience that only people in that situation can understand. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Trina.

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  • Trina G.

    September 23rd, 2017 at 4:41 PM

    Hi Kitty,
    Thank you so very much for reaching out to me with your heartfelt thoughts and prayers..I am so deeply sorry for your loss as well. :((( Our Hubbies do sound so much alike, and yes, we are in this unique situation with the 15 year age difference…you are also so correct in that our Hubbies were of that generation of brave, stoic and protective men..that’s one of the many endearing qualities that I admired in Chris, that I miss so very much…:( I, like you, also have my go-to places that bring me peace and happiness as well as some occasional comfort…I do try so very hard to hang on to those precious memories, for they are what keeps me, what keeps us all going…:) But there are always those daily nights when I turn down the bed, and find myself alone, in the still quiet of the room,crying and talking to my Hubby, and apologizing for all the times I said things I didn’t mean, hurtful things that I said, and later took back…the laughs, the tears, the struggles, the years we had, and the years we will never have again…I had so many plans for us to spend our 20th Anniversary at the place we first met, that I hadn’t yet shared with him…it’s just a gnawing inner ache, a pain that will never subside..:(((
    Kitty, I too, share in your pain, that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness, that only we as widows can feel and understand..:(( So true in that I know my Chris wouldn’t have wanted to be dependent on me to care for him, as he often told me that.. He’d often tell me that if he ever gotten close to dying, to take him up into the mountains, and just let him die there. Of course, I always stopped him from talking that way, as it often made me sad and depressed. I’d never dream of doing that to him, and I certainly didn’t mind caring for him, as I always had…But I guess after caring for both his parents as they were dying of cancer, had taken a great toll on him in so many aspects, that he didn’t want me to endure that same awful pain..:(
    Thank you again Kitty ( I love that name :) ) for your heartfelt words and prayers..my deepest condolences, thoughts and prayers go out to you and yours, and everyone here…have a blessed weekend…♥♥♥

  • Patricia

    August 27th, 2017 at 10:26 PM

    Trina and Paula I am So Sorry! Paula, my husband died on Feb 18th of this year and we were married for 55 years ! Sunday were Our special day as well! So I know exactly what ii is like to feel the unbearable pain and loss of the only person in the world that was at one with you! …………….. Trina…….., I have already broken down in one of the doctors office that has been taken care of my husband and myself for years! I am glad you are trying to prepare yourself But, if you do have an emotional break down Like I did ? I hope there is someone that is able to go with you and help you through it.? I didn’t have anyone that could take time off to go with me! I was a basket case after that for about a week and kept on getting flashbacks of my husband! My Next appointment will be my husband’s old pulmonologist They want to make sure That I don’t have lung damage> I having panic attacks I think? I don’t know ! I just going along in what they tell me to do! The doctor said I might have to have surgery for the removal of my Gallbladder ! Now how am I going to do that?! Who’s going to take care of me and my cat! I am about ready to give up! I don’t want to go to see anymore Doctors! I am So Tired! Thanks for listening to me while I rambling on about I just don’t know what? Patricia

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  • Paula

    August 28th, 2017 at 10:57 AM

    Patricia,thank you for your kind words,I think about life now and it has no reason to me,or anything to look forward to.

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  • Debbie

    August 28th, 2017 at 9:59 AM

    Hi Patricia, I am very sorry for your loss, I feel for you and understand what you mean. It will e a year that my husband died in September, I still cry every day for s bit, I wish I could say it is getting better but it is not for me anyway, we did every thing together also, my children are very good for me, but they have their lives with their families. As you say the weekends are the worst especially is Sunday. I feel I am just waiting for the day to go and find him. I wish you good luck and sending positive vibes your way. I feel that the people who tell us that it will get better, or we have no choice but to keep going, are mostly people who has not been through a situation like this, I feel they may mean well, but I am tired of hearing it also. Debbie. Xx

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  • Trina G.

    August 28th, 2017 at 4:46 PM

    Debbie I am so sorry for your loss. I, like u, am also coming up on the 1 year anniversary of my Hubby’s passing, and it seems it just gets harder..:( I cry every day, in spurts. I can be listening to a song that we both loved, and start crying. I go in the closet and pick up one of his shirts, and just hold it,as it I were holding him, and just cry..:(( I also feel like I want to go and find him, and talk to him again, and just laugh..it’s just so hard to get over the fact that he’s gone. :(( I hope n pray u are going to be ok..God bless u and ur family. ♥

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  • Trina G.

    August 28th, 2017 at 4:39 PM

    Hi Paula…i read your comment and my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain and what you are going thru. :( We can all relate to that in one way or another, no matter what our circumstances are, or where we live…It’s that same lonely, empty feeling that our Best Friend is gone. :( Our situation is so similar, except my Hubby died shortly after Paramedics took him to the ER. They couldn’t allow me to ride along, as there was no room. But I rushed there in an Uber ride as fast as I could, but I didn’t get there in time to hold his hand, and help him fight. It was only after he was pronounced deceased, that I got to hold his hand n say goodbye, and that will forever haunt me. :( I just could not stop crying, and telling him how much I was sorry that I couldn’t save him and how much I loved him.:((( Paula, I feel the same way and I know there isn’t much to look forward to anymore. :( Still I hope u find some peace along this journey…God bless u♥♥♥

    Hi again Patricia, and thank u so much for your condolences…I am so sorry to hear all the health struggles that you are facing, on top of all this. :( Sometimes, life can be so merciless. Sometimes it gives us more than we can bear… I know it’s hard to deal with health problems, when you are still grieving. I got thru my Doc appointment, but I didn’t see my Hubby’s Doc today, as I thought I was going to. Which is a good thing in a way. I just wasn’t prepared for all that. But the Nurse Practitioner I saw, she advised me to seek Counseling at the clinic I go to. Which I may consider…I have been putting off going to Counseling for a long time. I’m just not sure if I’m ready to pour my heart out again. Also, I don’t wanna be patronized or put on meds for depression, which i’m going thru now. I’ve been on those in the past, and I just don’t want to go down that road again… I have a Cat too Patricia, she’s 20 years old now and she misses her Daddy so much. He always spoiled her. :(( I hope n pray someone helps u so u can get the treatment u need and deserve, if and when u decided to go thru with it… but whatever u decide,just please try to hang on, and don’t give up! There are so many organizations and people who actually care, and can help u if u reach out. I wish u all the best, and many blessings to u and everyone here…♥

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  • Paula C.

    September 11th, 2017 at 12:22 PM

    Hi Lindsay I was married for 48 years and I lost my husband he died at my feet he fell down and had a heart attack I felt that I could have done more for him to but I couldn’t I miss him every day and is not a day that don’t go by that I don’t think about him he was the love of my life but I have to be thankful that I had him there’s not many people in the world that hurt a love like we did so I just wanted to say I know how you feeling just take care and let your family help you out because without my children I don’t think I could have made it thank you be well Paula

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  • Wend

    September 24th, 2017 at 2:36 AM

    Iv been reading a bit – not all of your forum for a long time now.
    Your question- How do i get over the death of my husband.
    The answer is you dont. You might learn to live with it a bit better for loved ones sakes and friends , if not yourself but you never get over it.
    Try to think of the fact you were mostly happy and you obviously made him happy mostly.

    Some of us never get that in life -. You can love somebody all your life but sadly never get to marry them -laugh with them- be there for the bad times for them.
    Think of it as lucky you got what many never experience , so you were lucky . What i have noticed is you are able to reach out to others – and you should take it up.
    Iv seen the lack of support from funeral parlous – after.
    Many we LOVE to have somebody as nice as you to reach out to- and believe it or not you will make friends.
    Good luck and try to move on– You still have to live.
    God bless

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  • Natalie

    September 28th, 2017 at 9:25 PM

    It’s been a long time since I posted but here goes….it’s been close to 11 months since my husband passed away unexpectedly. We wre married for 10 years and together for 14 total before his passing. We met on 9/11, walking over the 59th street bridge while watching the smoke from the twin towers. He was so handsome, but more than that he was the most beautiful person I had ever met on the inside. I knew right away what a blessing he was. We were friends while I finished post graduate work and then we began dating in June of the following year. Wend, after reading your post above, I really have to agree. I get through each day by telling myself and my kids that we were so lucky to have his love and protection for the time we did. Not all are as lucky. I wish so much that he had lived long enough to see his children grown, so that they could enjoy his company and his hugs longer than they did but we don’t get to pick the time we get in the world. I speak to him everyday and my kids speak to him in their own way, occasionally telling him they love him as they look up at the sky or the moon. They are ten and 6 so some days are harder than other but they are comforted knowing that he loved and cherished them beyond anyone other than me. We go on because we have to. He is still the love of my life, my best friend, and I know he loved me very much so I can live with that. He is still with me and I am trying to live life in a way that would make him happy. I try not to cry as much, cause he hated crying, and I try to do little things for the kids that I know he would do if he could. Keeping his memory alive is important. I truly hope there is an afterlife because it makes my heart so full to picture him waiting for me and having the chance to kiss and hug him again. I just have to put my kids first and be a good mom, be there for them a long as life grants me and when it is my time I hope the first face I see in heaven is his and he is proud of how I handled things. Be good to yourselves, don’t shut down, try to remember what your loved one wanted for you. Sending all of you an embrace, because while I don’t know you, we share a pain that could use as nuch comforting as possible. -Natalie

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  • Sandra

    September 29th, 2017 at 2:48 PM

    ..Hi Natalie…..So enjoyed reading your comment……Beautiful…and so true. We have to carry on however much it hurts….We have to be thankful for the years we shared with the love of our lives…All the luck in the world to you and your little ones….Stay strong….x

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  • Trina G.

    September 29th, 2017 at 3:25 PM

    Dear Natalie,
    When I read your message, I was tearing up so badly. I am so sorry for your loss, and my heart goes out to both you and your babies…:( I was picturing the scene in my mind, of you meeting your future Hubby, and my heart just sank into my stomach. :( Just goes to show that even in the most tragic of circumstances, something beautiful can come from it. Your meeting was not by accident, it sounds like you were both meant to be… Like you, it’s also been 11 months since my best friend left my side, and not a day go by that I don’t think of him, and cry, smile, and just ache to hear his voice again… Your message was so touching, so poignant and filled with hope. I hope and pray we all get to reunite with our lost loved ones some sweet day…Thank u for the embrace, sending one back to you and yours…Blessings,strength and healing to all. ♥

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  • Wend

    September 29th, 2017 at 5:16 PM

    Natalie –
    It was such a pleasant surprise to receive a message in my in box this morning from you. I wasn’t even sure the jolly comment was up– because in a disaster with anything to do with the net basically. You met watching the world trade center wow– that would of bound you very close together from the start. Oddly enough i sat up watching you tube docs on that all last night– I have no idea why so maybe there is a higher power and you were somehow connected. Stranger things have happened i guess. Your children are still very young 10 and 6 – its sooo sad . You dont have to tell me but you said his death was sudden- a accident?
    If you dont feel like talking about it dont. By your children ages that tell me your still young . After 3 years make an effort to get out again socially as hard as that might be. I say 3 years because i think it takes at least that – if ever to begin to think straight tbo.
    I meant it when i said you have a special gift and it is often the way because until you have suffered it people dont understand,. They say they do, even think they do, but they dont. They mean well telling you you must go on – but you already knew that anyway.
    There are a lot of others in ere that have suffered i see and still are. Ill tell you more about my situation sometime later. Its certainly different if nothing else.
    Thankyou for your kind words – and maybe we can explore ways someday of reaching out to others – especially those with no family like myself and i sure there are tons in the same position.
    Although – as they say you can be alone in a roomful of people – but its awful to have zero support.
    Apart from your children do you have close friends?

    Take care and i hope we talk again.

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  • Natalie

    September 30th, 2017 at 5:10 PM

    Hi Wend, my hubby passed away from a brainstem hemorrhage. He was the healthy one, exercised, ate really well and of Korean decent where the men lived all to be minimum age 89 on both sides of his family. I was the yikes one, neurological problems since teens, healthy but always falling apart physically somehow. In fact they thought i had a stroke at 27 but turned out to be a serious neurological hiccup. We had been dating less than a year, and he didn’t even bat an eyelash. He just smiled and said not to worry, cope and move on. He had served in Desert Storm and said bad stuff happens, what matters is picking yourself up and making the best of life. It is funny how he chose to ignore my health hiccups, the fact that I was not Korean, which was a big deal to his family, and that i wanted to get married and have kids which he said never really appealed to him. After being together only a month we were planning a lifetime together and he was so happy and said he was going to just go with it. He grew up in Hawaii so maybe that had something to do with his laid back personality. His death was really hard to accept cause there was no warning, he just got up on a Friday morning, fell over and when i ran to him he couldnt speak English, and couldn’t move his left side at all, was having serious trouble breathing. I knew it was either a hemorrhage or a stroke since my brother had stidied medicine and I had helped him make his study guides for quite a while. I had hoped it wasn’t too bad but the hospital neurologist said it was a huge bleed in the brainstem. He died at just after 4pm that day. My son saw him carried out on a stretcher, my daughter came home from school to find my dad watching her brother, and I held my husbands hand two hours away at a hospital he was airlifted to that specialized in his type of situation. I was all alone watching him slip away, and then held his hand for two hours after he passed. He was the person who gave me happiness that I had always dreamed of, a family of my own I could dote on and watch grow. He was quiet and i can count the number of times he said he loved me, four in all, and he always said it in an annoyed way cause i made him say it. He showed me in so many ways though, commuting four hours daily to live where I had once mentioned was a sweet place to live. He bought me stuffed animals, which he always said he would never be caught doing. He also used to put my hand in his coat pocket to keep them warm in the winter. I don’t know what the future holds, but I do know that what I had was very much worth cherishing. A fortune teller once told my mother when I was very young, that i would meet someone I would love with all my heart. She told her that I should not hold back and take the chance no matter any obstacle. my mom aksed more questions and she politely refused to answer saying only that life is never a guarantee just a wind which can change it’s direction. She also said that once life is gone, it wasn’t really gone, just beyond our touch. I think about what she said now alot and hope she was right. Hoping he is there near me, it is just unfortunate that I can’t touch him or see him. Hopefully he can feel how much we love him.
    Wend, sorry for the long story. I understand that the person who passed away was always in your heart. How he lived his life, is for no one to judge, we all have our moments of difficulty. However what is important is that what you felt for him was genuine, and what he felt for you was genuine. If he stayed away it was most likely because he thought it best for your future. It is easier to make yourself happy than to think of someone elses best interest so keep that in mind. If he really cared about you but thought he wasn’t a good enough person to be around you for whatever reason then he would stay away. That is a kind thing to do. Let yourself feel sad, and mad and just keep loving him cause in your heart he was obviously worth it. Embrace that feeling and then release it. It is easy to get stuck in what could have been. Don’t let it stop you from seeing a future of what is just waiting to be. I look at my future and feel exitement for watching my babies grow up. To see them make their choices and figure out their futures makes me smile. That is all I need, something to look forward to. It is easier for me in some ways because ai have a piece of him in them, so I cannot imagine how much bigger the struggle would be if I was completely alone. I hope that those who are alone find something they can hold onto to help them find that joy and passion to keep them going. There is beauty in life, it is just so much harder to see it when we are feeling so lost, and alone. Take a pet home and give it love, find a piece of yourself to nurture, meet with family more often, you would be surprised to know how many people are just as lonely and havent lost anyone., or retrun to old friendships. Wishing I could send everyone a little bit of cheer and Hugs!
    Natalie

  • rebecca

    September 29th, 2017 at 1:57 PM

    have not been on here for a while but had to respond to such a sweet note, natalie. this pain and missing is unbearable i love my husband so. you sound like you are coping well. i am not . i am so sad. you sound cheerful. what a nice note. it’s not for me but it echoes. thank you. i am a very sad widow in love with my husband in the ground. good wishes to you. and all

    Reply

  • Trina G.

    September 29th, 2017 at 3:33 PM

    Dear rebecca, I feel your pain and sorrow and understand where you’re coming from.Sometimes, it seems no amount of words can ease the pain of this loss. I think we all can relate to that in some way or another… And although we all grieve and handle loss in our own way, we share that common denominator of Widowhood… Just wanted to say I am also sorry for your loss, and pray that you find comfort and peace in your Hubby’s memory..(((Hugs))) ♥

    Reply

  • Wend

    September 29th, 2017 at 6:47 PM

    Hello All,

    I think i replied t the wrong name before. Ah thats me , youll get used to it. Jemina you too seem to have a deep understanding . There are so many ladies in here that sound pretty darn nice.
    Thinking of you ALL and maybe later i can cheer you all up with some funny stories of my life and my x —
    We broke up in the 80s but there never was anybody else. Kept in contact until 200 or thereabouts . We were as the say on opposite sides of the fence- me PI – he career criminal- there is no other way to say it but honestly. I walked out over his swearing – seems so unimportant now. After him serving time in prison we had planned he come here too live and believe it or not – he was going straight.
    Apparently though something else came up from the past and he was looking at doing more time- so left the country without a word. I never knew for years what happened to him but always thought of him daily.
    If he sounds like a jerk , youd be wrong. He was old school good guy with a gift to allow people to be as they are- not judgmental or change them. He taught me”a lesson not to judge others- but my background was vey prim and proper. I found out about 10 months ago he dies 3 years ago. He actually come back into the country no doubt under another name to die. He died of lung cancer – which is odd because he used to nag me to give up smoking – he never smoked. He was a extremely strong and stubborn guy even to himself- so i can only guess he never contacted me – because he couldn’t handle it . He probably thought it was best for me to just get out of my life for good. Who knows. He know he loved me but im angry with him tbo.
    I found out as well hed married a girl in the country he was living– THAT didnt go down well.
    I suppose he had to do that to stay in the country — So as they say true love often doesn’t run smooth. Prior my brother died, then mum, followed by dad.
    Life can be empty but we keep them close to our hearts and minds and do the best we can.
    I wish everybody in here some sort of peace if you cant find happiness

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  • Lucy

    September 30th, 2017 at 4:27 PM

    Thank you for your honesty. My spouse’s financial behavior left myself and my daughter without a home, then he died and 5 months later, my mom died (actually she died on Sept.11th of this year). Loving someone and being able to separate the behavior from the person is sometimes difficult, so I know how you feel. You have a good attitude about this man who you loved and your relationship isn’t the stuff of fairy tales but it was more real than many of those that look good on the outside. A friend of mine, in a 12 Step program, told me that things aren’t happening ‘to’ me but ‘for’ me. I take that to mean that I may not see right now why things worked out the way they did but one day I will realize maybe it was even a gift. I have the opportunity now to find who I am as a person as opposed to being defined by my relationship to my spouse…I’m 60 years old and I’m finally growing up and facing life like an adult. Its an adventure I would never have chosen but I think in the end it will give me something far more invaluable – an inner peace I never had before. God bless…

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  • Wend

    October 1st, 2017 at 6:39 AM

    I think your friend maybe right. 60s still young and between the lines i feel life wasn’t always easy wuith this man. That doesn’t mean you loved him less and your pain isn’t just as deep. You are allowed to be angry at the same time and leaving you in a mess money wise – well what can i say. But hey, with what you v already been through girl your going to excel from here on end. I get the feeling you used to laugh a lot when you were younger and i feel that side of you shall return, its endearing. Your great i love your quiet strength .

  • Wend

    October 1st, 2017 at 6:15 AM

    Hi Natalie and all,
    I think your husband, had possible seen enough of the world, and life a well as death no doubt, to know you were the one .He probably knew too how precious time is and how unpredictable life could be.
    It must have been and no doubt still is a terrible shock to you. Natalie, i can honestly say i understand how you must of felt sitting alone with him and holding his hand after. I’m struggling if i should even mention this now, at this late date, but these sudden deaths through stroke and other health issues are not so uncommon with vets that served in desert Storm. I’m wondering if he had any other health issues prior, maybe that he didn’t mention. He sounds like a man of few words who might rather face the enemy than a visit to a Dr or worry you. The mere male thing you know. I also get the not saying i love you often–
    I smiled when you said because you made him say I love you- bet that hurt. I know the strong silent type but underneath soft as butter, just don’t tell anyone and blow my cover. Yes the fact you were not Korean would have been a big deal to his family its pretty much expected they marry their own. Don’t blame his family it’s the way their parents raised them. I do hope they have made contact with both yourself and the children as they would be missing out on their sons kids. That would be a nice thing for both the kids yourself and them, but sometimes cultures come before even that. Here is hoping. He sounds so cute buying stuffed animals and keeping your hands warm in his pockets .Of course I’m sure hed hate to be referred to as cute, so well just keep that a secret. I’m glad you have the children and the family you always wanted but as I said before give it three years and then you must at least try to go out more. Don’t make the kids your only interest . That’s a dangerous road to walk and you sound waaay too nice and too young to live alone for the rest of your life. Although I can’t talk I just figured iv done in all a 30 year strength 

    I am sure the physic you saw connected – I’m glad you went. I feel your a bit that way inclined yourself. You know i got the most strong feeling — connection with Geoff right around the time as it turned out of his death. It was the strangest thing –
    Your possibly correct in what you said about mine , he used to say at times in a irritated voice:) Everything is so good and pure in your world – You can do better. I felt strongly he was in trouble or trying to reach me or both. As it turned out it was preciously just before he died.
    Strange as it may sound I never thought of mine dying , because he was larger than life. Funny you should mention pets as I’m a huge animal lover – Unlike you I never wanted kids because I dedicated my entire life to help animals. No I don’t have any family – well not close anyway. I have several cousins in another state but iv never heard from them and they used to all come to my place with their kids for holidays by the beach when their kids were younger. I used to for years get so upset about that but now I don’t care. Iv have always been the giver – you know the 20 big parcels at Christmas time etc but after ten + years of not even a hi thanks – you get over it quick enough. If you call ten years quick that is.
    Some are thicker than others Hehe.
    As for friends. Well in my past line of work much covert you tend to lose contact once your out of the area—area meaning that line of work. Also, and I know this may sound—well insular of me , but because iv lived I suppose such a different life I tend to find ordinary people talking about their grandkids and what type of washing powder they use somewhat boring. Iv worked on major crime and investigations for many years missing persons corrupt police firing bombings etc. I have very little in common with most people my age including men. What I do have is the knowledge of knowing I had wonderful parents – very different I might add and I miss them a lot.

    I have a interest in readings—Yes those sorts of readings and iv been told I’m not bad. Getting back to you Nat- I hope you don’t mind me calling you that, I think just take it easy . Do not expect like everybody else on this site for the pain to go way.
    I’m here to tell you it never goes but im feel sure hes right alongside you every step of the way.

    What ages are your children again? I think you did say but I don’t recall.

    Huge and – I’m sure hes proud of you. Its amazing you can reach out to others and really touch them. Youv touched my life and its lovely to know somebody out there cares even though wed never met, but who knows maybe that might change too someday.

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  • Wend

    October 7th, 2017 at 12:04 PM

    Val,

    Well Val, id take my hat off to you, if I was inclined to wear one . You say he was brave but so have you been. Very brave imop. I love it that you mentioned your pets of the past and your dog that tried to wake him. Yes they do know – their amazing and they can grieve very badly too. I don’t do face book at all because for me too many privacy issues, but glad its going well for you Its good your forcing yourself to seek more company . I can’t help but wonder however if its isn’t a shock to you. I understand you when you say you can get upset a small things . I got upset when having to give a next of kin before a opp. Seriously, there wasn’t anybody- no not friends either. I just look back and wonder what have I done with my life. Well, mean iv done a lot- but what have I done for me”ah now there’s the problem—little . Like many I made the mistake of always being the generous one- the family member of good friend that would help you out. Then when in return you need support – nobody is there. Some I think are embarrassed they still owe money– maybe- probably not. As for so called family all my direct family are gone. First my dear brother, then Mum Dad but the greatest pain off all has been this man.
    I loved for 30 years and still do
    I’m angry with him for leaving the country even though he had to.. He never said a word . We met in 1983 – 34 years but sadly not together as in living for longer than a few months—but always in one another’s thoughts. In all that time if I called him – hed be there. We lived very different lives on opposite sides of the fence but I loved him. I still do. Like your dog I knew when he dies. Even though I had not seen him in many years I just knew. I felt his presence very strongly cone to me. It was not like anything iv experienced before. I felt he was trying to reach me, or tell me something, or say goodbye. The strangest thing of all is I found out 6 months ago he died about three years ago preciously around the time I felt his presence. My problem is more like what he didn’t say… Im only a few years younger than yourself and I suppose one could say iv wasted 34 years of my life loving the wrong man. I understand what you mean about watching TV shows – I used to watch underbelly given his colourful background but it made me miss him all the more. He was larger than life . Iv tried to go out but in all honesty with my background work wise and my life experiences , I just don’t relate to I suppose youd say quote normal people who talk about their kids- their grandkids their neighbours. As for you Val, its only a few months you lost him – just over 6 months . Don’t push yourself to hard to push it in the back of your mind will you.
    It must have been a awful time for you- him dying in your arms- watching him get sicker but I must say I wish with all my heart I could have been done likewise.
    Wishing you a million best wishes for your future Val

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  • Val

    October 8th, 2017 at 1:36 AM

    Thank you for your comments, it sounds to me as if you have a different kind of grief to myself, there seems to be a lot of answers you are looking for and a lot of anger too. My husband and I met when I was 20, it was almost instantaneous. A year after I met him he was diagnosed with epilepsy, which the doctors thought was brought on by stress. This stress was caused by my parents disapproval of our relationship, but then my parents disapproved of anything I did. My one bug bear right now is that my 94 old witch of a mother is still surviving in a home, while the kindest, dearest man you could ever hope to meet is now gone, my husband. Our relationship was rock solid. He was my strength and my entire reason and motivation in living. He was one of the fittest people and hardly ever had any sickness. His epilepsy was well controlled and he never let it hold him back. My son takes after him and although he is grieving as well is desperately trying to be there for me, but he has a wife and my dear little three year old granddaughter who just does not understand where her beloved granddad has gone. I have no other family apart from a cousin in London but he has his problems. I do however, have the most amazing circle of friends, my own and my son’s who have been with me every step of the way through this horrendous journey. They try so hard to help but as they say they can only try and be there for me but cannot understand just how desperate I can feel at times, because they still have their partners, who are also there for me. Maybe I am being able to move forward, still with the help of my husband’s strength. We had four months to talk and we used that time, not to cry but to endorse the love we had for each other for the entire 53 years we were together. I have absolutely no doubt how much he loved me, he even left a message for my son to give to me, if I ever had any doubts. As for him, he had no doubt how much I loved him, he was my rock and his smile, his voice and his whole being were everything I could ever have wished for. He will never ever be pushed into the back of any of our minds, he was everything to so many. My little granddaughter will grow and be encourage to remember him. He is buried in woodland burial ground, not far from my home and I go there often and watch the wildlife around. It is peaceful and tranquil and overlooks The Downs that he loved, one day I will lay beside him but I hope I have a few more years yet to watch our grandchild grow a little, who know there may even be another at some stage. The four months he was dying, were awful, but we stayed positive even then, we had to, for both our sakes. The memories we had together were too precious to give in at the last moment, so we have quite a few good memories from that time too, the hospice staff were amazing. My son is in a celtic band and they came and played and we had my birthday there too. My little granddaughter used to dance for him, she is only three and try and give him his supper. The grounds were alive with wildlife too and we had some sunny day earlier this year when they would push his bed outside and we would watch small deer and rabbits and squirrels playing in the sunshine. All my sadness is tinged with good things too and always will be, because he was my soul mate. We never had any secrets and we loved each other right to that final breath, which I will always hear in my head on a daily basis. I do so hope that you find peace and happiness in your life, at least, apart from my childhood, my relationships have been good and made up for any failings on the part of my so called parents. Best wishes to you too.

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  • Wend

    February 5th, 2018 at 10:58 PM

    Val,
    Im sorry i didnt get back to you by the looks of things. It wasn’t intended– Your right im angry confused and got zero answers. I was 30 years of age or there abouts when i met him- Im now 65. Thats 35 years wasted .
    People have said for years- its not to late to meet somebody else.
    It is too late– it always was. I never wanted anybody else. Worse iv spent most of those years ignored so called girl friends— unless they wanted something.
    Eg My neighbor asked for her garden to be watered in the middle of a hot summer drought. We are taking one hour twice a day– I work long lours but did it.Upon he return she had a BBQ for Halloween her and your hubby. She invited all the married couples from down the street . I live straight across – the most close .
    You see you dont get invited if your single so yeah it makes for a unhappy angry life tbo.
    BUT Im not rushing out to meet anybody else ever- but next time she asks me to water her garden- ill suggest she asks one of her married friends.
    I dont have any answers Val – i guess we just go on loving them even after death.
    I just feel cheated of the years we should of had – and i know he would never have left the country without saying a word if it were not a matter of probably both our lives– Still WISH he given me a choice though.

  • Paula

    October 8th, 2017 at 3:58 AM

    Dear Val, my heart goesout for you, it has been 7 months for me after 48 years of marriage,we always talked about out lives after retirement,well it is gone now,I cannt get over my loss,I miss him more everday not less. I hate when people say to me give it time,I tell them when you walk in my shoes then you can tell me how much time it should take. Never knew this was going to happen to me,but it did. Sorry about your loss!

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  • joyce Estus

    October 27th, 2017 at 2:16 PM

    I am so sorry to hear of everyone lost. My heart and prayers go out to
    you all. I have missed my husband greatly since he has been gone I pray that the Lord will
    give me strength to carry on because I know my children are relying on me.
    I cry for him daily even tho he has been gone a little over a year,
    I really tear up when I think about when we were young and raising our kids.
    He was always such a big help and loving father,
    I feel all of you pain but we serve a loving God and I believe we will see them all
    again. God would not take them and never let us see them again,
    The Bible says they only sleep and The Lord will be able to wake them.We will see them in the ressurection. May God hold all of you in the palm of his hand and if we never meet this side
    of heaven know that God Knows all about our pain and he will help us.
    My eyes are filled with tears as I write because I know your hurt and I ask God to deliver
    us, help us to continue on as our husbands would want us to,
    I pray for us all……Joyce

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  • Sandra

    October 27th, 2017 at 4:00 PM

    ..Hi Joyce..your words are so sweet…I’m so sorry for your loss….It is indeed a sad journey….I don’t think I will ever recover, but I will carry on and remember my lost husband and feel glad that I met him…he was the best thing that ever happened to me..I miss him so much…..But through time I will feel at peace again , but I will never ever forget him…..Good luck to you and all of us……Stay strong…xxx

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  • Paula

    November 5th, 2017 at 10:38 AM

    So Thursday it would of been our 49 anniversary. How do you start over. It has been 8 months now and ever day I miss my husband more and more. Not to have him for the holidays stink. No one want to listen anymore it gets old to them, I sit here day after day, YES I go out but ever were I go I am alone. Is it just me but I miss him more today then I did 8 months ago is that wrong?

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  • graham uk

    November 6th, 2017 at 1:06 AM

    hello Paula how can it be wrong to miss the one you love .we are all different my wife passed away 20 months ago I am lost in a very lonely world. you are right people don’t want to listen after all its only our loss . Ilove my wife and always will so my answer is for me is its not wrong at all hope that helps a little bit so sorry for your loss .

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  • Paula C.

    November 6th, 2017 at 10:23 AM

    Thank you Graham, sorry for your loss.i found out ever one is around in the beginning, but time passes and so do people then it us by ourselves to listen to the quiet in the house with no one to talk to. I know we have to go on but it is hard. Thank you for writing me?

  • Jemina L.

    November 6th, 2017 at 3:14 PM

    Hi Paula, I just read your post and I can tell you that it is normal to miss him more now. It has been 3 years for me and I miss my husband more than ever. I think it takes a while for the shock to wear off and when it does you are more aware of his absence. People admired us for what we had for 42 years. I am now beginning to understand that I have to be thankful for the good memories because that’s all that is left.

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  • Elizabeth B.

    November 5th, 2017 at 8:32 PM

    Dear Paula –
    I am thankful that you wrote to share your thoughts. I, too, have lost my husband.
    Many is the time I feel that I miss him more now than I did right after he died.
    There is absolutely nothing “wrong” with the way you are feeling and experiencing
    your grief. There is no “right” way to grieve. Everyone has their own way and time.
    I would encourage you to get outside help in dealing with your emotions.
    You could get help from your pastor or a professional counselor.
    Whatever you decide to do, I hope that you will get back to us on how
    things are going. Bless you, Paula. You are not alone.
    Most sincerely,
    Elizabeth

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  • Sandra

    November 6th, 2017 at 7:15 AM

    …Hi Paula…..So sorry for your loss, 8 months is no time at all and I feel your pain…..My husband has been gone over two years and it’s like it happened last week….I miss him more now than ever too…I always will…But, let me assure you, it doesn’t get better but it gets easier to handle…It’s an extremely painful time, but the price we pay for love..as they say….Just do what you are doing and look after yourself and be patient with yourself and just go with it….Good luck and just try and comfort yourself a little with the fact that you are not alone in this….x

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  • Paula C.

    November 6th, 2017 at 8:18 AM

    Thank you Sandra,I know they say you have to walk in my shoes to know how i feel,but talking to people like you make me feel better. They say i was lucky to have my husband for 48 years and such a great love between us. Thank you again.

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  • Teresa

    November 7th, 2017 at 9:51 AM

    I’m So Sorry for your losses, Thank goodness we have this site, to help get us through the dark moments of this journey, we all hope to be feeling better at some point, not to feel like we are living if you can call it that now, in a land of memories of past events, good, sad, funny, angry, a place that brings all feelings to us, that we will no longer experience from our loved one, to picture every part of them, I was even thinking about my husbands back of his neck, for some reason, I sob in my me moments, oh what do we really do now with ourselves.

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  • Paula C.

    November 7th, 2017 at 11:37 AM

    Teresa,i couldnt said it better,i feel like i just go on without any meaning. I always made plans for 2 now how do you go on by youself after so many years. But i am glad we can talk it out together!

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  • Teresa

    November 7th, 2017 at 12:49 PM

    This is just exsisting, Our grandmothers, mothers, did not discuss this part of life, to tell us, not to argue unnecessarily with our partner, not to take everything for granted, they went before us, is it because they knew it was too unbearable, that we had the worse to come, I do let my daughters and sons now know through my experience, this experience, to enjoy what you have, not to take anything for granted, I shall remind them a lot on their journey, not to take love in their stride expecting your loved one to be there always.

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  • Patricia

    December 17th, 2017 at 4:17 PM

    It been now 10 months since I lost my Husband of 55years of marriage ! I hurt more now than I ever did! I am Having Open heart double bypass surgery tomorrow! I have nobody but, one very scared son I hope I make it for him ! Life has gotting very hard for me and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring ! God Bless you all and pray for me ! Patricia

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  • graham uk

    December 17th, 2017 at 11:54 PM

    hello
    Patricia you have the same name of my late wife who I lost 22 months ago and I hurt as much for her its hell on earth. I am not a believer but I will .mentally try to help you through it and your son I wish you luck and hope .

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  • Sandra

    December 18th, 2017 at 1:50 AM

    ..Hi Patricia..It’s been 3yrs in March since I lost my husband and I’m still hurting too…I doubt I will fully recover, but life goes on as they say…Very best wishes to you and good luck with your surgery…..x

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  • Teresa

    December 18th, 2017 at 12:34 AM

    Hi Patricia, wishing you all the best for your surgery, I’m sure you will be fine, your son, needs you, please let keep us updated, on your recovery, a New start for you both x

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  • Annie

    December 18th, 2017 at 4:49 AM

    I am praying for you. God Bless and know God is with you.

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  • Joy H

    February 4th, 2018 at 6:55 AM

    I am widowed for the second time. My first husband died in 2003. We had three wonderful children and now 11 grandchildren and 7 great grandchildren . we were married 42 years ,but I cannot remember having a grieving process. I met Joe in 2012 and we were married 4 years. He was my soul mate in every way. He got cancer after 4 month . He died in September 2017. I have gone through all the steps except anger. I just get angry . It comes and goes. Time dies help and I have incredible supportive friends. So little be little things will get better. I have always seen the glass as half full so that attitude helps. I am a very young 80. Told I look and act 60. It seems so Nancy people get to lose their childlike qualities as they age. Gratitude journal gas helped me. Practicing empathy for others is very healing. .
    This web site is great and makes me realize how very blessed/ lucky I am.
    Thank you for that. My good thoughts go,out to all who are grieving.

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  • Paula C

    February 4th, 2018 at 12:10 PM

    It is going to be a year in 3 weeks, so hard still this year was filled with so much to clear up but I miss my husband more ever day, I found out that time you see people that say I am here for you ,see Less and less. I cannot get use to being by myself, been with him since I have been 17,would of been our 50 anniversary this November! I try to get out but when I see couples together I run home,hate going anyplace by myself! I am so lonely!

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  • Duchess

    February 4th, 2018 at 4:03 PM

    I just lost my husband of 7 years very recently and I am just raw with grief. I am 55 he was 53 when he was found dead in his bed . We don’t know what happened yet but he was always very fit and healthy . This is horrible pain . I’ve ever felt anything like this and don’t want to . I can’t figure out how I am gong to live 1-2-5-10-20 years without him . I don’t want anyone else . Can’t/Don’t want to replace he or the bond we had . We were almost like twins we were so close . I’ll never get over this . I might have to LIVE with it but I don’t ever expect to get over this.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    February 5th, 2018 at 9:08 AM

    …Hi Paula, Joy and Duchess…I’m so very sorry for your losses…..It’s quite a while since I’ve been on here…It is indeed a great Site..Lets us see we are not alone and others feel like we do..it’s a small comfort in a way…My husband died 3 yrs come March, we were together nearly 50yrs and married for 44yrs….I’ve accepted he’s gone now…But I would say I miss him more now than when he first died…We were together from a very young age, he was everything to me…I so hate having to cope without him…I realise now, he was my rock…I’ve always been quite a strong woman but now I feel quite vulnerable at times without him..I think about him all the time still…He had an incurable lung disease for 5yrs…IPF. I so wish for my old life back….It’s good to come on here and see that others are in the same place as me…makes it a tiny bit more bearable I suppose…Well wishers soon vanish off the scene, but, they have their own lives , so that’s understandable…I too was jealous of couples together at first, that’s gone now….I will never replace him…I couldn’t, I still wear my wedding ring with pride….Very best wishes to you all and share your thoughts with us anytime…It does help a tad…Good luck and be patient with yourselves…x

    Reply

  • rebecca r

    February 5th, 2018 at 2:39 PM

    love & suffering.

    Reply

  • Joy H

    February 5th, 2018 at 3:56 PM

    Hearing from others makes me realize that I am coping very well. I am so blessed with a go forward attitude and know Joe would never want me to be sad. He was such a good time man and when he knew death was eminent he said he had not finished all he had to do. Little did he know that he taught me to be grateful, to have empathy for others and to enjoy life to its fullest. I now realize how precious life is. And I have learned to live in the moment and truly appreciate all those in my life. Please those of you who have grieved for such a long time, get professional help. A good counselor is such a help. I pray daily for all those who have lost loved ones. Thank you all for sharing. It helps you and those who read your comments.2.

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  • Maggie

    February 7th, 2018 at 10:44 AM

    My husband died on 4th February 2018 after a huge struggle with multiple health issues. I know that he is now pain free, but just so want him back! In the past seven years he has had multiple health issues and was in hospital more time than he was out of it. However, I just miss him so much. I told him he was the best husband and he said that he was the best husband for me, which is so true. I know I am selfish for not wanting him to go. He didn’t want to go either and was lucid t the end, which doesn’t make it any easier. His funeral is tomorrow but I cant sleep and feel exhausted, brain dead and numb. I have wonderful friends and family but it is not the same. I just keep bursting into tears and their is a huge gap in my life.

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  • Joy

    February 7th, 2018 at 4:33 PM

    Maggie, so so sorry for your loss. Nothing anyone can say at this point will seem to make any difference. Take what helps and let the rest go.
    I made list after list about the happy times. I lost my husband 5 months ago. The days are getting better usually but then I seem to lose ground and just cry cry cry. Tears are healthy…today I went into a restaurant that he loved and made it there for awhile but had to leave because the sadness was too strong. Your grief is too soon and too painful right now. Know that your grief is real and embrace it. The best to you.

    Reply

  • Maggie W

    February 10th, 2018 at 2:41 PM

    Thank you Joy. I am now working on remembering the good times. He as always my rock. No matter what happened he always had my back. He loved my unconditionally. He was an amazing person and I love him so much.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    February 8th, 2018 at 2:03 AM

    …Hi Maggie…I really don’t know what to say other than I’m so very sorry for your loss…it is an horrendous and heartbreaking time…I just wanted to make a comment to let you know that I feel your pain and I will be thinking about you ( even though I don’t know you )…..Good luck to you in your journey and try and stay strong….x

    Reply

  • Maggie W

    February 10th, 2018 at 2:38 PM

    Thank you Sandra. The funeral was as nice as such a thing can be. I got the chance to reconnect with some people who were important to me but time and distance had resulted in losing touch. So that was good. I also got some drugs from the chemist so was able to sleep last night, finally. Than you for your kindness.

    Reply

  • Michele

    March 17th, 2018 at 7:01 PM

    I lost my husband David in July 2016 to cancer. He fought it to the end. My pastor said something to me before that really rubbed me wrong, he said I would pray for the day that David passed away to relieve his suffering. I never wanted him to suffer. The meds barely stayed above the pain level. At first, after he died, I just wanted to get through my day, with as little emotional contact as possible. I sell real estate, and people in sales have to be up, and charming all the time. It was impossible really, Some days are better than others. But overall my life has stabilized although every day, hour, moment that goes by , I wish he were still here with me. I know he is singing with the angels now, and look to the day I can join him. The trials of life seem to overwhelm me at times, and then sometimes I feel I can take on most anything. Certain people and situations still cause tears to well up, even after this amount of time. He was so good to me, and for me. I am 61 now, and do not ever expect to find another . I am grateful to God for the life I had shared with him, the children we had the immense pleasure to watch grow. I am grateful that he was able to see his grandson for the first few years of his life. I am grateful for the pain I feel now because I know there are so many souls out there that have not had these experiences, with both the pain and the pleasure. They have missed so much. There is no escaping the painful feelings of loss that hit each of us, but somehow now I can see that the pain of his loss is as much of life as was his love for me. It is not to be missed. Trying to block it out as I had done at first does not help, only prolongs the agony. Face the pain head on, don’t flinch or try to hide from it or mask it with self medication, as it will only delay you. God has protected me, and will give you strength also, but only when you are ready to receive it. Open your heart to God, where all prayers are answered, and endless peace and love will flow to you.

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  • Heather T.

    April 8th, 2018 at 12:51 AM

    It`s not having that “significant other” , someone who cares about me most that I really miss. I was been married for 43 years when he died suddenly and unexpectedly 2 and 1/2 years ago.I went to my sons wedding recently.. It was too overwhelming for me. I felt alone in the crowd.. like there was a silence because he wasn`t there.It was like torture to me and I cried silently. I had to sign the register but I could hardly see through the tears and the photographer took my photo,which was embarrassing to me.I could see that people were feeling sorry for me and they didn`t know what to say.I didn`t make a scene ,but my eyes were red and puffy.I just wanted to go home.My other son said to me”It`s Ok to cry sometimes Mum.”,because he noticed.But for me,it wasn`t Ok for me to cry so publicly.
    Most of the time I`m ok,but I often feel as if half of me is missing and I`m just getting by.My grandson aged 16 , lives with me and he plays my husbands favourite songs.Thats hard. We both miss him. There is also a lot of inconvenience too…I have to do repairs and painting etc alone ,and deal with some of my children with mental problems.Thats a struggle at times.
    Holidays aren`t the same anymore. I just want to stay home during the holidays. Unless you have been through the death of a husband.. you have no idea what it`s like.I get a lot of comfort by reading all your posts.

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  • Julia

    April 9th, 2018 at 9:07 AM

    Heather,
    Your post had me in tears. I completely understand. I lost my husband suddenly on April 20, 2016. I hardly ever go anywhere on holidays, except maybe the cemetery. The days leading up a holiday or any special day are agony for me. I dread being without him. I miss just having one person whom I know cares about me the most. I miss my life partner. I sometimes think I’m over exaggerating until I start reading the posts on this site. Those are the times that I realize that my grief is normal and there are other people who have the same feelings all over the world. It’s comforting, but still very very sad.

    Reply

  • Heather T.

    November 15th, 2018 at 8:55 PM

    Hi Julia.. thanks for your reply to my comment.Friday nights and the weekends are hard for me. I miss having someone who cares about me most…but i know he will be proud of me and want me to be happy.I see couples together on the train and in the supermarket etc and wish he was here with me. I dream about him a lot at night… I dream that he comes back home but at a certain point, he disappears.In spite of all that, I feel optimistic for the future and I know I`m not alone and that there are a lot of widows out there.I like my job and my friends and family and my house and garden and I talk to the Lord a lot.Grief is a painful process.. I still shed tears sometimes.Its getting used to him not being there as well as getting used to a totally new way of life. It`s inconvenient but it`s not all bad. I bike everywhere now and love it ,and my health has improved so much.I painted the house and saved up for his headstone and i`m learning to do home maintenance..There is light at the end of the tunnel.I often think if I died before him, then I would want him to go on and have a happy life.

  • Jemina

    April 9th, 2018 at 11:14 AM

    Dear Heather, Your story is very similar to mine. I was married to my husband for 42 years and lost him after 2 weeks in hospital. The loss of your husband is the most devastating of all losses. At one relative`s birthday party they played all the songs we used to dance to and I cried too. I miss the way he looked at me when we danced. It`s been 3.5 years and I am coping better because I accepted the support of friends and group sessions but it is very hard not having that person who was the center of your life and having that sense of belonging. However, it does get better so take good care of yourself while you grieve and honour him. God bless you.

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  • Teresa

    April 9th, 2018 at 7:33 AM

    Heather, I cried with your post, it got it in one all the waves of upset, which we cannot control at the most inappropriate times, we get better at covering it up, but sometimes we can’t, Thinking of you, let’s hope our times ahead get easier

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  • Rebecca

    April 9th, 2018 at 11:27 AM

    haven’t been here for a long time. nothing is better for me. . these two posts speak to me. nothing is easier. julia i am exactly 6 months ahead of you in this suffering and i can’t cope. i am so sorry we are all here in this suffering. i want my husband i don’t know how to do this hell. no learning curve after going on 2.5 years. misery. all clues to survival welcome and best to all. no help from counsellors either. i can’t manage without my love. sorry to be glum. i am lost. best again to all

    Reply

  • Sandra

    April 11th, 2018 at 7:27 AM

    ..Hi Rebecca…It’s a while since I’ve been on here too, but I remember you….I’m sorry you’re still finding things hard, I am too after 3yrs if that’s any consolation….I just feel so different without my other half, I miss him still so much….Most of the time I cope very well, but some days are quite bad if I’m not up to scratch…Not well or tired….I can smile now though when I think of him and our life together for nearly 50yrs….I just thank god our paths crossed in the first place…Stay strong……x

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  • Rich

    April 11th, 2018 at 11:19 AM

    Looks like a reunion going on.
    My wife, Janet passed nearly 2 years ago, seems like yesterday. The pain and longing are still there and has become a part of my everyday life. People say how well I’m doing, but why should I tell them the truth since their perception makes them feel good. My 23 nephew (Janet’s blood relative) also died of PC just last week and leaves his 23 year old fiancé behind. I pray for her everyday.

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  • Teresa

    April 11th, 2018 at 12:24 PM

    I have two worlds now, one here, one that’s in my head with my husband, , I can’t let go, don’t really want to either, I preferred the life I had with him, so living doing all the same as before, but more often than not my memories have come to so much life in my head, it’s my way of getting through this, seems to help me a lot, I dream of new happenings together my husband.
    They say life is what you think it, well this will do for me.

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  • Sandra

    April 11th, 2018 at 12:50 PM

    ..Yes Teresa..I know exactly what you mean…I too have a life in my head with my husband…I openly talk to him…I can easily visualize him wherever I want him to be…it too gives me comfort…Sometimes I swear I can feel him in the room with me…I get this feeling that I used to feel when we were together…If people think I’m crazy that’s fine by me…I don’t care, it helps me get by….When he first died I could not relate to him at his graveside…I went out of duty in a way…But now I need to go to his grave every week to feel close to him….Just whatever we need to do to get through this….Rich I’m so sorry about your Nephew, 23 is way to young to die, but it’s things like this that make me appreciate the time I had with my husband and feel lucky for the time we had together…x

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  • Heather T.

    April 23rd, 2018 at 12:58 AM

    Julia, Teresa and Jemima.. thanks for your reply to my post. I feel comfortable here to say what I feel.I treasure all your support.I`m an upbeat positive person but there is nowhere else to express how i really feel about my husband`s passing.I don`t feel like I “fit” anymore. I fit in at work.. but everywhere else, I don`t fit.I can`t even talk about things with my own family because it becomes awkward and embarrassing.They have their own life and families. On Saturdays my husbad and I used to go to markets and shopping or for car rides or visit family and friends..now I go for solitary bike rides. I feel alone and lonely and I struggle with it,, even when I am in a crowd I feel like there is only half of me there..I often think it would be great if I could have a female companion to go on bike rides with… someone who has been through the same thing.Thanks for being there. It means a lot to me.

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  • Rich

    April 23rd, 2018 at 6:32 AM

    Heather:
    The following quote attributed to Aristotle makes complete sense to me.
    “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies”
    Rich

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  • Heather T.

    April 25th, 2018 at 2:17 AM

    Hi Rich, You are so right, Even though I have a full time job and I function quite well in daily life and outwardly I appear to cope.. I still feel as if half of me is missing.. no matter what I try and do to dispel that feeling.I feel as if I am on the outside looking in..a displaced person, and I`m just getting through life day by day, basically surviving.

  • Sandra

    April 23rd, 2018 at 9:22 AM

    ….Heather….I feel exactly the same…I don’t feel whole anymore, like I don’t fit anywhere…..My confidence has taken a bashing too…and my concentration. I just wish constantly for my old life back…I know it’s not going to happen though….I daydream a lot about the past, I suppose that’s normal….It helps a tad to know others are in the same boat and it’s just not me….Rich, your quote is spot on….Lovely….Take care everyone……x

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  • Michele

    April 23rd, 2018 at 6:19 PM

    Rich, that is so lovely and true. I am sorry for your nephew’s fiance. that is truly hell on earth. Heather, it is true, that no one will ever know us like our love ones did. I know that feeling of having no one to talk to about every day things. It is just not the same with the other members of my family. my daughter was engaged to marry coming up this spring, and I could not see how I would just sit there with no one to dance with. no one to offer a toast with. My husband’s brother was all set to give the bride away, but he has a sweet wife, and so I would be sitting alone. It was a horrifying thought, so i know exactly how you must have felt. You want to be joyous for your son, but it is not really heartfelt. I soooo get that. I hope you are finding some moments that are enriching though. It is really hard to have to do all the stuff that David did, like taking care of the lawnmower, the snowblower. I have to learn how to do all this stuff, and that is tough. I should sell, but we took 20 years to get our home up to speed, now that it is in decent shape I am having a hard time by myself. But I am grateful for having a home. It is just so full of memories that I am having a hard time letting go.

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  • Andrea

    April 26th, 2018 at 1:07 AM

    Hello friends, I posted the question “how do I overcome the grief from my husbands death” nearly 12 months ago. I lost my husband, best friend and soul mate of 26 years suddenly and unexpectedly. I felt lost, my world as I knew it did not exist anymore, I felt like I had lost half of myself. Like a lot of you I do have children and I know they care very much but I am also aware they have their own families and lives. I feel as if I have been on auto pilot or just going through the motions for the last 12 months. I have come to the conclusion that the sad reality is that life does go on. Everyone around you is just “getting on with living” . Your world seems to be in disarray, but you still have to go to work , fill the car with gas, pay the bills, buy the groceries, do household chores and more. The number of times I have found myself learning to do something for the first time (because my husband used to do that) is unbelievable. All the mundane things that have to be done are more than likely all things you had to do before so in that regard nothing has changed, it’s just that now those things have no meaning and you often find yourself questioning your “purpose”. As creatures of habit, I think we want our lives to feel like they did before (some would say normal) when they can never be that way again. I have started to look at what my “new normal” might look like. I hate it, It’s scary, and I often find myself procrastinating which I guess is all part of the process. I love my husband with all my heart and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and wish that he was still with me and I don’t think that will ever go away. To everyone out there that has lost a loved one, I care and I truly understand how you feel. Stay strong for the one you love, stay strong for yourself. Andrea

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  • Sandra

    April 26th, 2018 at 6:40 AM

    ..Hi Andrea….Beautifully written and so right in everything you say…..Yes, the first year we are all on auto-pilot…the true realization comes later….this is the hard part, coming to terms with the new norm….I’m sure through time we will come out the other side, albeit changed forever….Good luck to you and your family….x

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  • Natalie

    May 14th, 2018 at 7:38 PM

    Hi Everyone, it’s been a while since I wrote on here, not since September. It has been a long 1 and 1/2 years since my husband passed away. Hmmm…what can I say. Life is hard, making ends meet, raising young children and losing all my old friends cause well they were our friends, together and since they don’t like to feel sad about him being gone, and my little family is a reminder of that, they just kinda pulled away. I guess I understand, and was lucky enough to have two childhood friends that call and check on me. It’s funny how people find it awkward to be around you like maybe it’s contagious or something. The kids noticed and were affected cause all the birthday invitations stopped but I changed it up and made their birthday celebrations about inviting their classmates instead of the former. They took that in stride thank goodness. It also helped them build new friendships. I have now two other mom friends that are really just good people and I know I can call if there is a serious emergency. Funny how some people leave and others just come into the picture. Both of them have lost loved ones and handed me their numbers when they found out through the kids what happened. The second year is way harder than the first. I think about him all the time still, but when I wake up I cry in the morning cause he isn’t there, and it isn’t just a bad dream. I used to cry falling asleep, and now it is waking up. I worry about forgetting his face and voice and yet I know that is impossible. I haven’t changed anything from the way he left it cause I worry it would hurt his feelings, and yet when he was alive he would have found it amusing that I was being so careful about things he never really gave two cents about. I miss holding his hand and saying his name so I go to sleep holding his pillow and saying his name. I know he is gone, I just wish it wasn’t the case and I guess it’s the way I cope. The kids keep me super busy so late at night and early morning are my “I miss you” moments. Working from home is great cause the kids just see me as the stay at home mom, but it also means There is no time off. I take care of the kids, never a babysitter, and when they are at school I am working. It is wonderful but leaves little time to do more than live, so I wonder if the grief is still catching up with me. I didn’t go through most of the phases, anger etc. so now I wonder if that will hit someday when the kids go off to college in 7 and 11 years. I definitely feel sad and cry alot but I am not depressed,I just know that what I had was very much an adventure, a beautiful adventure that got cut short. I don’t look for much except raising the kids to be happy, well adjusted and loving little monsters. I hope they remember him and his smile and how he gave the best piggy back rides and hugs. I hope they learn that while bad things happen, life goes on and they have to find happiness where they can and that life is a gift. My hopes for myself, are to simply do my best as a mom, hold on to the dreams we had for our family and do my best to accomplish them, and keep myself interesting enough by trying new things, like a new instrument or language so that my beautiful husband watching me from heaven knows I keep trying to enrich my life and keep him on his toes. To all of you I send warm wishes and hugs cause I know sometimes it feels like no one understands, like we are so alone and sad but really I do feel you in my heart, I read what you write and I think of you. I wish Life was fair but since it isn’t I hope that you all find some comfort knowing that people are thinking and praying for you and your happiness. I can say that all the lovely well wishes and notes I read on here made me feel understood in a way that the people around me couldn’t. So Thank You! i truly do appreciate it! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

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  • Sandra

    May 15th, 2018 at 10:25 AM

    ..Hi Natalie….18 months is not that long to be honest….My husband has been gone 3yrs gone March and I think about him all the time and he is involved in most of my conversations….I don’t ever want him to slip from my mind…Thinking and talking about him keeps him alive somewhat for me…My second years was bad too….I still have bad days and can fill up any time, anywhere, sometimes the loss is to much to bear, but I do what I always do best….soldier on…It’s all we can do….You sound like a very together lady considering your situation….It’s a blessing you’ve got your children to bring up, gives purpose to your life…Yes. this is a fantastic site, I always like to reply to let people know they are not alone…I feel the same as you, I’m not depressed, but there’s always a hint of sadness within me….always will be I suspect, the loss is so great…Look after yourself and your children and cheers for coming back here……x

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  • Kelly

    May 17th, 2018 at 6:04 AM

    HI Natalie. Thank you for your openness and honesty about how the second year is going for you. I agree – this is a tough journey. I am in my second year now and am finding it difficult in a different way than the first year. For me, the first year I experienced just raw pain and was kept busy by an amazing network of people who care about me and my kids. The second year, I am feeling jealous of other couples and yet glad they have each other because they are all nice people. It is odd to feel this way because I was never a jealous oriented person. I also am feeling that this reality of missing my husband is something I will have to accept for the rest of my life. I am sad that future events that are joyful will now be bittersweet because my husband won’t be by my side experiencing them with me. That is a harsh reality. I, too, am focused on guiding my children to be happy, well-adjusted, kind people. It is so sad to see them missing their Dad but we all just need to do our very best to help our children because that is what our loving husbands would want. I will you all well and please remember every new day is a second chance at happiness.

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  • Elizabeth

    May 15th, 2018 at 9:38 AM

    After reading your thoughts above, I thought, “May God bless you and your family. You have come through all of this so much better than you are giving yourself credit for.” It’s a slow, difficult
    road, but you ARE making it. Your husband would love you so much for the way you are pushing upward and onward to be a good mom for your children. Nobody could ask for more, and many people do not do as well as you are doing. We are all different.
    You can keep the memory of the children’s dad in their heart by telling them how proud he would be of them that they ________. (did well in a sport or did well in school, or a class play, etc ). I hope you continue to let us know how you are doing. We don’t know personally, but all of us care about how things are going for you. You have many friends through this website that you
    don’t know about, Natalie. I want you to know that I am one of them. Bless you.

    Most sincerely,
    Elizabeth

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  • Margaret

    May 16th, 2018 at 1:57 PM

    Hello everyone. I am 30 years old and I lost my husband of 7 yearson the 17th March 2018 due to accident. Me and my 9 year old son are so devastated. He was only 35 years old and had so much to live for. He woke up in the morning and left for work and that was it. I’m not coping. I long for him. I talk to him every night before going to bed. I miss him a lot. I just want to hear his voice. I cry to bed everyday. I’ve been asking myself everyday if I’ll ever get through this. The comments I read gave me hope and now I know I’m not in this alone. I hope one day I will heal from this as I’m still young and have so much to live for.

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  • Sandra

    May 16th, 2018 at 4:00 PM

    ..Hi Margaret….I’m so so sorry for your loss….You are so young, it upsets me to think how bad you must be feeling…I have no magic words, wish I had….it’s a sad long journey, no getting way from it….But, you are still young and I hope one day you will find peace and move on…..You’re right…You are no way alone in this….Talk to us anytime you feel the need….Be strong, take it just one day at a time….x

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  • Charmaine D.

    May 29th, 2018 at 7:01 PM

    Its been 7 months since I lost my husband last October 2017 because of motorcycle accident. I still longing for his presence. I miss him everyday. We have 1 daughter. And she is 1 year old last May 20. I dont know how to tell to my daughter someday when she ask questions about her father. Im afraid she will be bad.

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  • Trish

    June 25th, 2018 at 5:17 AM

    I’ve come to realize (after 974 days) it’s not something we ever get over; it’s something we get through…

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  • rebecca r.

    July 1st, 2018 at 11:00 PM

    sounds like you’ve been listening to willie nelson! i can’t get over or thru. 2 yrs 8 months. 11 days. my impossible dream. for time to go back. and i will save my beloved steve. not ok. u b well. u all

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  • Sandra

    August 2nd, 2018 at 2:39 PM

    …Hi Jean A…..I’m very sorry about your husband….It’s a very short time for you, it takes a good while even to sink in initially….It’s a very long process for most of us…..a sad journey we have to travel. You will feel lost for a good while, tearful, in pain…we all know how you feel, we’ve been there and still there to some extent…My husband has been gone just over three years and I still fill up most days and miss him so much….But I have accepted my new situation now ( the new norm )……Be very patient with yourself and take it 1 day at a time ( as they say )….And look after yourself….x

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  • Sandra

    August 18th, 2018 at 2:47 PM

    I lost my husband on March 15, 2018, we were married for 37 years. He was 59. We did not have children. It’s been 5 months now and I feel so lost & alone. He was my best friend…my soulmate.
    I ask God to please take me so I can be with him.
    It’s so hard. I just keep remembering the way everything happened leading up to his death.
    I blame myself & others & I say what if I hadn’t carried him to the hospital would he still be here today. He had a form of ALS & was bedridden for 13 years. He also had dementia but he still knew who I was. I had to work & sitters stayed with him during the day. He also had hospice. He got where he wanted me to stay with him every day & it was hard when I had to go to work. We were so close.
    I walk in the house now & he is not there & it is so quiet. I miss his face…his smile…his love…his touch….lying next to him at night.
    Life is not the same for me anymore I don’t know how to keep going each day. I pray to God everyday…we both did. I feel like my heart is broken & I will never be the same.

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  • Johanna

    August 19th, 2018 at 10:56 AM

    Dear Sandra: I registered on this blog, to try tp help my younger sister cope with the loss of her husband. This unfortunate incident happened to her a few years ago, as your loss is approximately 5 months ago, I feel that I should reach out to you. You mention that your husband had hospice. Since I had been a hospice volunteer, I know for a fact that they offer brevement counciling. This can come to you in the form of a set-up telephone call, or they may have a group meeting for people facing the loss of a spouse. I am not an expert, this is just a gentle suggestion that you at least call the hospice that was caring for your dear husband. As in the case of my sister, her husband went into diabetic coma, and it was disclosed that he knew he was a diabetic but just refused to follow-up to get it under control. She was holding the guilt in her heart, that she should have insisted that he get medical aid. It was pointed out to her, he as an adult male took charge, and most likely -nothing she said or did would change his mind. She has been handling life with their child, and manages to get up each day to get to her job. I am so proud of how strong she is.
    I will send good thoughts and prayers your way. Please come back when you work through this sad situation. You can do this, one day at a time. Sincerely, Joanne

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  • Debra

    November 17th, 2018 at 9:40 PM

    Hello,
    Yesterday marked the 12th year of my husbands death.
    I’m not healed and never will be. These last 12 years have been so very hard. I’ve had to go through surgeries and struggles alone. One of the hardest things is not having anyone to talk to about your kids and grandkids. Nobody knows our children as well as he did and I miss just talking about their personalities and roads in live.
    My daughter put together a slide show for our 30th anniversary and she played the video on Facebook. I still have trouble seeing pictures and videos of him. I will never get used to the feeling of loss. I have one brother left and my kids and grandkids and I have I don’t get to see my grandchildren as much as I like. Most of my old friends are far away and finding new friends is just so hard. I’m tired of hard. Can’t anything be easy ever?
    I’m sorry for displaying my anguish, I just have nothing uplifting to say. It’s one of those weeks.
    I pray you all can cope better than I have. It’s just so very hard.

    Reply

  • Mrs H

    November 18th, 2018 at 1:03 PM

    Hi Debra….I’m so sorry you feel so sad…My husband died nearly four ago, I still miss him loads, good days and bad days even after all this time….Sometimes it feels like last month it happened…..I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll always miss him…I will never replace him, I couldn’t…He just felt like my favourite old pair of slippers…You know they are well worn but you don’t care, you could never part them….If you see my meaning….I’m not surprised you still miss him…..Widowhood can be a very solitary place even when you are surrounded by others….I’m sure he’s watching over you and loving you back….Take care…….x

  • Johanna

    November 17th, 2018 at 5:37 PM

    Came back to read. I mentioned that I clicked on this site to try to help my sister cope with the loss of her husband. My heart aches for all who have lost a soul mate. No other words that I can think of, just do one day at a time. May you find support, and comfort in good memories. Peace.

    Reply

  • Holly

    January 30th, 2019 at 5:06 AM

    My husband died last night in his sleep. I had no warning anything was wrong. I am so devastated. We live in Minnesota and all my family lives in California. My parents are on the way but will not be here until tomorrow or the next day. We were together for 15 years and he was everything to me. I haven’t been able to sleep tonight and have been doing nothing but crying the past 24 hours. Please pray for me.

    Reply

  • Sandra H.

    January 30th, 2019 at 8:17 AM

    …Hi Holly…I’m so very sorry…How devastating for you to lose your husband like that…..What a shock that must have been for you…It’s nearly 4 years for me now…It’s a long journey…try and stay strong….x

    Reply

  • Jenn

    January 30th, 2019 at 6:30 PM

    Holly, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel to lose a soulmate. Please try and take care of yourself! The crying is normal. I lost my husband last May, some days the pain is still too intense to acknowledge. I will pray for you and your family. As your life will never be the same!! You are not alone in your grief❤️

    Reply

  • Richard S.

    January 30th, 2019 at 9:20 AM

    Holly:
    Prayers from NJ.
    Rich

    Reply

  • Lorraine

    January 31st, 2019 at 1:25 PM

    My best friend and soulmate, my husband Danny, passed away on August 27, 2017, from cirrhosis. Could anyone explain to me what happens to a person’s mind toward the end of that horrible, horrible disease? He refused to accept that he had it until the devastating symptoms of the end-stage. He immediately quit drinking and tried everything possible to heal a liver that was too damaged. I watched, over the course of a year, my big, strong, carpenter husband get sicker, frailer, and more depressed. At the end, while he was in the hospital but before hospice, it was like he became a different person. My loving, caring husband started ranting and raving for days. He started screaming at me, calling me horrible things, and telling me to get out of his sight (and not that politely). I understand about ammonia in the brain a little, but his behavior tears at me more than the loss and sadness over no longer having the man I looked forward to spending the rest of my life with. If I could just understand what happened to him, maybe it would ease the agony of the memory. Has anyone else been through this?

    Reply

  • BG

    February 6th, 2019 at 2:52 AM

    My sweet man went into the hospital on 10/10/18 for colon cancer surgery and 34 days later on 11/13/18 he passed away. He never left the hospital. He was told it was caught early, so it was small (2cm) and at the best place it could be ( if there is such a thing) for colon cancer removal. Seven days later (10/17/18) after the original 10/10/18 surgery he had an obstruction and was prepped for emergency surgery to remove the obstruction. He was told he ate too soon?!! Wait, what?!! He didn’t ask too eat soon, that order came from the doctor. So they remove the obstruction, but he is still in so much pain and there doesn’t seem to be improvement. They run tests and do scans and now say it’s his gallbladder and that needs to be removed. On 10/26/18 he goes under the knife. He ends up in and out of ICU, fighting for his life. He finally comes out of ICU and is placed in a regular room 5 days later (10/31/18). But he’s not the same. . The pain is still intense so he’s flying high on pain meds and is in and out of coherency. At times he doesn’t even recognize me. One morning (11/7/18) i arrived at the hospital and he looked at me with a huge smile and said “who is this beautiful woman?” But the manner in which he said it, I knew he didn’t know who I was. Because he would always greet me with “Hi baby, hows my beautiful girl today?” Followed by “where’s my kiss”? So I smiled and said “do you know who i am? And he shook his head left to right and said “no”. My heart sank but I realized he was on pain medicine. So I just smiled and gave him a kiss and told him who I was. He was talking and alert and though he was all over the place talking about all kinds of random things due to the pain medication,I was just happy to be with him. Everyday I would tell him, baby I know your in there, please fight this. He was in the hospital for over 26 days with 3 invasive surgeries and fighting to recover. Because he was unable to get out of bed and walk or sit up due to the pain, his muscles in his arms, legs and overall body was weakening. In speaking to a nurse and asking her insight she advised things didn’t look good and to advise the family. I thought no way, he’s gonna win this battle! You see, the year before (2017 he had gotten ill on a trip and his foot had swelled up due to an staph infection he picked up from a swimming pool. He ended up in ER and was considered critical as his heart went into AFib and blood pressure was really high. Yet, with the exception of his very swollen leg/foot he looked ok and was talking to me and the nurse normally. He ended up in the hospital once they got him stable and from that ER visit, they diagnosed him with diabetes, high blood pressure, sepsis that started to attack his organs leaving one kidney dead. We were both stunned with his diagnosis but felt blessed that he made it through it all and was on the road to recovery. He had a new norm of pills for his high blood pressure, insulin for his diabetes and meds for his heart condition. Now a year later 2018, he went to do his first colonoscopy at age 67. They found 2 polyps and a mass. The mass turned out to be positive for cancer. The doctor was confident it could be remove since it was caught early and small in size. But we never dreamt that he would have soooo much complications. It was so difficult to watch him struggle and not be able to “fix” it for him. It was also difficult to watch him be incoherent due to the pain medication. . Here was this smart, witty, kind hearted man who now was fighting to live. In 3 weeks he had 3 very invasive surgeries. He texted me one night “scared”. I rushed back to the hospital to be with him. I kept hoping to talk to him but he was so high on pain meds he was incoherent. I watched him finally do physical therapy on a Friday. Three physical therapist helped him sit up, he lifted his leg so slightly, they made him wipe the table in front of him and he did great! They showed him a picture of the family and he named everyone in the photo. He asked to get off the bed and sit at a chair that I was standing by, but you could tell his legs were to weak yet. He’s a big strapping guy (6’1 at 280lbs) always active (swam and officiating football and track) and doing volunteer work. After his therapy he was really tired and relaxed back in his hospital bed. As he closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, he said “i love you” twice and I replied “ love you too”. I felt happy to witness him complete his therapy and took that as a sign that he was gonna be ok. It would be a slow recovery but it was a recovery. Unfortunately things turned for the worst and he went back to ICU. Some bleeding started and an infection started on his heart. He went into a coma and never came out of it. He suffered so much and it was decided to remove his breathing tube. He passed away quickly on 11/13/18. Sadly I was not there as he took his last breath, as my own father was having cancer surgery removal done and I was with my father. As I left my father and was heading home I I had this nagging feeling to go to the hospital. But it was such a long day with my father’s surgery I thought I’ll go home get some rest. Instead when I just pulled into my driveway I got notified he had just passed. I was in disbelief, stunned and shocked. I went numb. I don’t know how I got in my house. I remember dropping to my knees and screaming out in pain. A pain I can’t even explain. How could this beautiful soul be gone? He was everything to me and I was everything to him. This beautiful man knew me inside and out. He was my pillar of strength and knew how to handle my emotional needs. We were best friends, confidants, each other’s safe zone. We shared our deepest secrets with each other with no judgments. I trusted him with my life. He was so passionate and loving to me. Everyday he would tell me how much he loved me, needed me and that I was his beautiful baby girl. How happy I made him and how lucky he was to have experienced loves first kiss. I would tell him, that I’m the lucky one as I knew I would never find someone like him, someone that loved me unconditionally and how crazy happy he made me. We were two people who found each other in this chaotic world (I was 36 and he was 46 when we met) and just was absolutely crazy in love with each other. We always joked how we were a two people party as we truly enjoyed each other’s company. It didn’t matter what we were doing (movies, shopping, driving, watching tv, etc) we always had fun. But now my love is gone. It’s been 12 weeks and losing him has been very difficult to handle. The pain has been unbearable at times. At times I think of his last hours and wish they called me so that I could have been there for his last breath. I get physically sick and want to throw up. I keep thinking I let him down, as we have always been protective of each other. I’m going thru the could’ve should’ve would’ve stage. I should’ve kept pressing the doctor about the risks as the doctor seemed concern about the dead kidney and kept changing the game plan for the surgery, but he came across confident about the surgery and my love trusted him. All he wanted was to get the cancer out and continue to live life. I have so many questions as to why my love was hit with all these complications that took his life. I hope that he knows I was there with him. It’s been a daily struggle living without him. I can’t listen to his voicemail as it makes me sad. I try to listen to recordings of songs he sang to me, but I start crying. He had a beautiful voice that made women swoon. He would be really shy if he knew I just said that, but it was true. My sexy man. He would tell me the most touching and romantic things that I called him my hallmark guy. I use to tell him he could write romantic love cards for Hallmark. He would get shy and tell me no way, those words came from his heart and was just for me. Yes, I was the lucky one. People tell me to focus on the memories we had of each other, but that just makes me more sad and miss him more. I know I’m still grieving and I know I will never get over losing him. From when I wake up until I go to bed he’s on my mind. I keep thinking what could have we done differently. Did the doctors really know and understand there was risk due to the dead kidney? Had we known the risk, would my love opted to not do the surgery, and just monitor the cancer growth? I feel guilty as I kept pushing him for years to do a colonoscopy and when he finally does it, they find a cancer mass. If he never did the colonoscopy we would never known about this early stage of cancer and he would be here right now with me. Yes, I know it’s a stupid and selfish thing to say, but that’s how I feel that’s it’s my fault since I kept bugging him to do a colonoscopy and looks what happen! He’s gone. The love of my life. The one that loved me unconditionally and was my everything, gone. The one I trusted and could count on to make it all better, gone. I miss his soothing deep sexy voice. I miss being in his arms. I miss his tender kisses. I miss his passionate love. I miss my baby.

    cancer and he would be here with me. Yes, I know that sounds selfish and stupid to say,

    Reply

  • BG

    February 10th, 2019 at 2:20 PM

    As I re-read my very long comments, I realized how much I’m still in pain and grief of the loss of my love. I don’t know if anyone still reviews this site, but I’m just curious if anyone loses their love from what’s suppose to be high percentage of survival surgery and turns into a nightmare of losing the love of your life. This coming Wednesday 2/13/19 will be three months of his passing. I’m still in disbelief and numb from his loss. I never dreamt at 57 I would be without him, I’ve been with him since I was 36. Some will say focus on the 20 years you had with him, but that doesn’t help. Instead it makes me sadder and wanting him more, as I know what I’m missing not having his unconditional love and warmth. Saying I miss him terribly is an understatement and I know things will never be the same. There are days I have no energy to get out of bed or leave the house. On the days that I have to get things done it’s a challenge. When I need to meet with others I put on my “showtime” game face to just survive and get through the day. After reading everyone’s comments, one thing is true, no one will ever understand the pain you go thru losing your love until it happens to them. Which is something you would never want to wish upon anyone.

    Reply

  • Jennifer

    March 11th, 2019 at 7:54 PM

    I know your pain! My husband passed away 10 months ago to neuroendrochrine cancer! I miss him so deeply, after 34 years we were finally in a very great space! He was diagnosed and passed away in less than 9 months. The pain of watching him fight for his life was the worst experience of my life. I felt so helpless. 😢

  • Jean

    February 10th, 2019 at 5:50 PM

    Oh, BG, I’m right there with you. My sweet husband died 8 months ago. He had prostate cancer 15 years ago and chose to have the radioactive seeds implanted. Fast forward to January of 2018, he came home from work because he urinated blood. That was the beginning of many hospital visits. The doctors surmised that he had scar tissue around his bladder that came from the radiation seeds from years before, so they treated him as such. He complained of a severe pain that was constant and the doctors said it was due to all of the scar tissue. Greg had surgery to remove his bladder and prostate. When the lab report came back, it stated that my sweet husband was filled with cancer. Two and a half weeks later he was gone. I still have moments when I feel like it was a dream. I do have days when I just can’t get out of bed and that’s ok. I do whatever I need to do to take the next “literal” step. Sometimes I make myself go out even if it’s just to go through the drive through at Chik-Fil A. Other times, I stay in my pj’s all day and stay in bed. There’s no right or wrong. I am so sorry for your loss. Just keep breathing, as hard as it can be. You’re not alone.

    Reply

  • BG

    February 12th, 2019 at 1:16 PM

    Hi Jean, thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. I’m so very sorry for your loss. My tears flowed as I read your story. It was good to hear that on some days I’m not the only one that stays in my pj’s all day long. Everyday I try to keep busy, to pass the time. I keep asking myself what went wrong. Why was he that small percentage that got hit with all these complications? Sometimes I want to call his doctor and ask more questions, but I feel like they would be more concerned that I was looking for a lawsuit, when I really I’m just trying to make sense of it all. I will continue to keep breathing as you said and know that I’m not alone. Thank you again Jean for your response. ❤️

    Reply

  • kHENSANI M.

    February 19th, 2019 at 6:48 PM

    Hello BG. You are not alone in this. I lost my husband 11 months ago. I am only 31 years old and he died suddenly in a car accident, leaving me and a 9 year old boy. I still even cry today. Its normal not feel like getting out of bed and staying in PJ all day. Somedays will be say but somedays you will be much better. I will keep you in my prayers. It is a long sad road but we must have faith that one day we will get there, we will smile again. It doesnt matter how long it takes. Keep well and take care of yourself

  • Jean

    February 13th, 2019 at 7:17 AM

    Please feel free to email me any time you want. We are in this together. Jean

    Reply

  • biene

    February 19th, 2019 at 3:44 PM

    I lost my husband, best friend, and partner in crime for 41 years only yesterday due to undetected Pneumonia which infected all sorts of other organs. It took less than 20 hours until the ventilators were turned off. I am just stunned how fast all this happened and can’t wrap my head around it. I am so scared of the future. He was my world and the reason I got up in the morning. I cry a lot and sometimes I feel like someone is grabbing my insides and twisting. How will I handle such grief for years? I have absolutely no support. We just moved here recently and have not made any friends. No children and family lives in two different countries. This is a rural area and no groups nearby. I don’t mind being alone but it would be nice to have an option. Financially I’m toast. He took care of me while I worked in his home-based business. But without him, the business does not exist. Won’t be easy to find a job at 60. Oh, listen to me whine!
    At the moment I am still very busy making arrangements, making lists of what has to be dealt with, in order of most to least important, just to have something to keep my mind busy. Hung his picture over my computer screen so he can watch over me and I see him every time I look up.
    I am just happy that I found this blog and see many going through the same thing. Makes me feel not so alone. I miss him so very much already.

    Reply

  • BG

    March 3rd, 2019 at 5:12 AM

    Hi kHENSANI M. , thank you for reaching out and your supportive words. . I’m so sorry for your lost and wish you healing as well. It’s now going into 4 months of his passing and as much as I try to keep busy, when the evening comes it’s very difficult and lonely. It’s like the song “This is dedicated to the one I love” the words from this song makes me hear him singing to me, & there’s a line that goes “and the darkest hour is just before dawn” which is true for me. So I can imagine it’s been 11 months for you and the pain of his loss is still difficult. I will also keep you in my prayers as we continue to travel down this difficult road. Many blessings to you and your 9 year old. Take care ❤️

    Reply

  • Kathryn F. S.

    March 6th, 2019 at 11:17 AM

    I lost my husband last April, it was unexpected, during a simply endoscopy. We were married 39 years. He was my best friend, and we were always together. I think I depended on him too much on giving me happiness in this life. Right now I just want to die, that would take away all the horrible images that keep coming back to me when he was in the hospital. I don’t know for sure about heaven or hell, I don’t really care right now. I can’t stop crying. My whole body throbs with the pain and the tears won’t stop. I just want him back so we can grow older together like we talked about. He was a great man. He took half of me with him, so there’s not much left but the pain. I see a counselor, psychiatrist and am on anti-depressants. All I wish is death. There is nothing left for me to live for. I only feel reluctant to take my life because of the hurt it would cause my son. I don’t know what to do, I really don’t. Why can’t God hear my prayers for death?

    Reply

  • The GoodTherapy.org Team

    March 6th, 2019 at 11:53 AM

    Dear Kathryn,

    Thank you for your comment. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ and additional information about what to do in a crisis at http://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html.

    Warm regards,
    The GoodTherapy Team

    Reply

  • Michele

    March 6th, 2019 at 12:16 PM

    Katheryn, focus on your son, and on life. God does hear you, and it is not your time. Tears do stop eventually, and the sadness subsides but it seems like forever. I know how it feels. My husband died from a year long battle with cancer. He was my best friend also. That was 2.5 years ago, and sometimes I still cry for him. But it gets better. Really rely on your other friends to keep your spirits up. I took time to catch up with friendships that had lapsed for decades, and that in and of itself was so rewarding. But try not to get upset with friends that can not really understand what you are going through. They will try, but it takes someone with a similar experience to really get what you mean. Keep praying to God, for there is where your solace will be.

    Reply

  • Denne

    March 6th, 2019 at 1:16 PM

    I certainly feel your paid Kathryn. My husband has been in Heaven for a little over two years. I miss him daily and at first I just wished I could join him too. I could not see one thing to live for. He had been sick for quite some time so I had stopped doing much of anything that I loved to do. I do know it is hard to think of anything in the future. It just doesn’t seem like there is one. Some days I still just want to be with him. I had a friend tell me that if God had wanted you to join Ed in Heaven then I would be there already. She said I apparently have a reason to be here. I have started to get out of the house once in a while, even though I hate going out alone. I never went anyplace without my Ed during our dating or 31 years of marriage. Live has changed…..forever. One thing that has helped me is studying about Heaven. I just wanted to know what it is like for my sweetie. I just want to make sure I do everything to join him someday. I lived in Ed’s shadow for years. It has taken me two years to find my own voice again and start to make plans. Don’t give up Kathryn. Live on to honor your husband. Help others to remember the fun things about him. Tell his jokes. I find if I act like I am happy it is getting easier to feel happiness at times. I wish you happiness and God’s blessings! Love………Denne

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  • BG

    March 10th, 2019 at 1:14 AM

    Hi Kathryn-I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand your pain and can relate to the shock and disbelief of losing your love unexpectedly, as I loss the love of my life in November 2018. He was my happy place. In a few days it will be 4 months without him and saying it’s been difficult would be an understatement. The pain and agony of not having him here with me is indescribable. I can’t sleep or eat or think properly. I try to focus on our happy times but it doesn’t help. I too have wondered why god can’t hear my prayers to
    send my love to me in my dreams. I also always ask God, WHY did you take him??!! He went in for a colon cancer surgery with confidence from the doctor that it was small and caught early, and now he’s gone. I
    know things will never be the same, but with the pain & grief I’m dealing with I don’t want my 2 kids to feel that same pain if I left this earth as well. I yearn and cry for him every single day. I know it’s hard, but please focus on your son and keep living for him. I wish all of us on this forum peace. Take care. With love-BG

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  • Jemina

    October 25th, 2019 at 4:45 PM

    Dear Kathryn, this month is the 5th anniversary of my husband’s passing and we were married for 42 years. I felt exactly the same way that you are feeling right now. With God’s help and many others I survived but it was a difficult and devastating journey. I am learning to live with the happy memories and taking strength from them and I know that one day you will be able to do that too. God has a purpose for your life and you will know what it is at the right time. Love and take care of those around you as they are also important. I wish I could be there to hug and cry with you.

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  • Rose

    July 8th, 2019 at 9:47 AM

    My husband passed away 1 month ago today, June 8, 2019. We had such a nice last day together. We watched a movie, I made us popcorn
    and it tasted so good. My darling said, I love it when it is just the two of here together, and it was true were happiest alone together. I made him a swordfish dinner which he enjoyed so much. One of the things I really loved about my darling is that he truly enjoyed my cooking. I waited on him because it made me happy to do so and I know he really appreciated also. This is the second time in 10 years that I have been widowed. The first time I was married to my husband for almost 30 years. We raised 2 daughters together and were looking forward to retirement when he was diagnosed with colon cancer. The surgeon said he got it all and everything looked good. Then a few months later my husband was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. That was October 2008. He was admitted to the hospital with an infection November 12, 2008 and stayed there until he died on January 4, 2009. I was devastated. All I could do was cry each and every day. Then I heard about Hospice and that they offer grief counseling. I was able to meet with others how had lost their spouses and that group was my salvation. To be around others who were dealing with the same grief I was made me feel not alone. We became very close and I know it was the best thing for me. Well I was so lonely after my husband died totally miserable. I joined eHarmony about 14 months later. I also had a picture in my head of who I was looking for. The top of my list was someone who was handy, my husband was very handy and I missed that. Also, I wanted a widower, with no children who was financially responsible as I was. Well I met a few men and they were all very nice but I was not drawn to them. I was getting ready to give up and I was sent an introduction to an amazing man. He was everything I wanted and then some. A true gentleman who understood how lonely I was without my spouse. His wife died from ovarian cancer in January of 2009 three weeks after my husband. I always felt that somehow we were sent to each other by our spouses because they knew we needed each other. We were so happy together and had a wonderful life for the past 9 years. We kissed goodnight on Friday, June 7, 2019 and in the morning he was gone. Needless to say I am totally devastated and lost. I take comfort in the fact that my darling died in his sleep in our bed. He looked so peaceful I thought he was sleeping,then I realized the awful truth. I will be going for grief counseling tomorrow. I have learned from losing my first husband that you never, ever get over the loss of a spouse but you can work through it. That is what I am hoping to do.

    Reply

  • BG

    July 14th, 2019 at 10:10 AM

    Hi Rose, I’m so sorry for your loss and wish you peace. I don’t think anyone understands the loss of a spouse, lover, soulmate until it happens to them. The pain is indescribable. It’s been 8 months since my love has left this earth and not a day goes by that i year for him. As part of my grief therapy, I keep a journal and write/talk to my love about anything and everything. This has really helped me, as we would talk about everything under the sun. We truly enjoyed each other. We would always joke that we were a 2 people party and didn’t need anyone around to have fun. How I miss him. So Rose, I wish you peace and healing as you go through this time in your life. Take care, BG

    Reply

  • Sandra

    July 8th, 2019 at 2:32 PM

    …Hi Rose…So very sorry for your loss, a very sad time for you…..It is indeed a blessing your husband died in his sleep…He had a peaceful passing which must be a comfort to you….My husband died 4 yrs ago now with Lung Disease, I still think about him day in and day out..I so miss him, he was the best thing that ever happened to me…but such is life….We must go on….Look after yourself and know you’re not alone…x

    Reply

  • Kathryn

    October 3rd, 2019 at 12:23 PM

    Thank you so much Denne and Michele for your inspiration. I am still so depressed over Mike’s death. I still can’t believe he’s not coming home. It is so lonely. No more going out to dinner, no more great vacations, no life. I try to make myself feel better, but sometimes all I want to do is sleep. I really don’t have constant friends or family. My son works a lot, so I don’t see him much. The friends I do have I think are sick of hearing my complaints. They don’t understand that some days I am just depressed and can’t function. I don’t know what else to say to them. I guess I’ll keep plugging along until the day comes when I enjoy life again. My prayers are with all of you who have lost their best friend.
    s

    Reply

  • Michele

    October 26th, 2019 at 6:20 PM

    Kathryn your depressed feelings are so SO normal. People take their own time to get over grief. Extra sleep is ok from time to time. Something that might help, when you are ready is to help someone else, or just hear their troubles. We all have burdens, and one way to stop focusing on your own is to focus on someone else’s to the benefit of you both. God will point that person out to you, and it be like a light to your eyes, a light to show you the next step.

    Reply

  • Sandra

    October 20th, 2019 at 10:17 AM

    Hi Karen….So so sorry for your loss……..I know you’re in a dark place at the moment but it will get better but will take time…1 day at a time as they say…..I lost my husband of 44yrs in 2015…I think about him all the time but have accepted the fact now…You will as well, I can assure you…..At least your husband is out of pain and at rest….I’m afraid it’s the price we pay for love…Lot’s of people don’t get a chance at love, we’ve been lucky in that respect…As they say….’Don’t be sad it’s over, just be glad it happened ‘…..Thinking of you….be brave and look after yourself, your husband is near you always…..x

    Reply

  • Jannette

    October 25th, 2019 at 3:16 PM

    Reading everyone’s stories sure hits home. I lost Kenny Feb. 26, 2013 which is almost 7 years ago and he was only 53. I think I cried every waking moment for 2 1/2 years wishing I weren’t here. I don’t cry much anymore but have isolated almost totally. I’m lonely but don’t want to be with anyone or go anywhere. My little dog is my life even though I have a daughter and 2 teen grandsons. I talk to my daughter every other day and just act like I’m okay. She has an amazing life which I’m grateful for and very proud of her, and I listen to her. When I’m asked to a holiday or anything by Kenny’s family I act like I’m going somewhere else but I really stay home.I blew everyone off so much they all quit calling and as bad as it sounds I’m grateful. It seems as it’s living groundhogs day and I’m just waiting to die. Maybe I shouldn’t have written this as it doesn’t sound encouraging and I do care about people very much and don’t want them sad. I don’t blame anyone for my isolation and don’t really want to stop it especially with people talking politics all the time. I used to help people a lot and I do realize that I’m nothing to anyone anymore and do feel guilty like I don’t deserve to draw a breath. Sorry I sound like such a nut but I don’t tell anyone this stuff so I thought I’d write it. I know I was the luckiest girl in the world for 17 years and he would not like the way I’m living but this seems to be it. I would never end it as that is the worst pain anyone could put on their family. I hope everyone here finds healing.

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  • Kat

    December 7th, 2019 at 7:49 PM

    Jannette, your pain is heartbreaking. But I feel everything you’re feeling. This will be my second Christmas without my husband. I’m really feeling down right now. Sleep is all I want to do, even though i have so much to do. I feel so empty and lifeless. I know what you mean about being with people. It is so hard. I think because they expect you to be jolly or something. They do not understand how deeply sad you are. I have stopped crying as much, but it’s an everyday thing because I think about my husband all the time. But I’m talking to him about our memories together, and sometimes I can laugh at our memories. When you lose your soulmate, what’s left. People ask me about having boyfriends. My God, that is the last thing on my mind. I pray for you and everyone on this site. Too many lives cut short and too many broken hearts. Hopefully, we will all find thee answer someday. If only there were a recipe to ease your pain. You have many friends on this site. I read their stories all the time, and it helps to know I’m not alone. All my love

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  • Lisa C.

    January 25th, 2020 at 10:12 PM

    I get what you mean, my love just passed on 12/9/19, and I have no desire to be here anymore, (I won’t do anything negative, but I feel so empty, I feel when he passed our story ended. I was with him since I was 15 1/2 years old, and he was 16 yrs. I feel so devastated, the holidays were the worst, every day felt like a month to get through.

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  • Silvia

    October 26th, 2019 at 8:53 PM

    Dear Jannette,I feel the same way my soulmate past in 2015, l like to be by myself , people are not important to me anymore, nothing is … l am glad when l will meet my creator and go home

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  • Johanna

    October 27th, 2019 at 3:35 PM

    In reading what is shared by many on this site, I realize that I did make a lot of mistakes in trying to comfort my sister. She lost her husband from complications of diabetes when their daughter was just 9 years old. If anyone can gain some hope and comfort, my sister did get through the depression by doing her best to keep working at her full time job, and making sure that her daughter went into school, and had play dates. My sister makes sure her soulmate is not forgotten, and while she will always miss him, it does get better – a day at a time. Prayers and thoughts for everyone here.

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  • Lorraine

    October 27th, 2019 at 7:38 PM

    How relieving to read your comments… I, too, prefer to be alone. The people who were my friends really aren’t anymore. They say they’re there by that’s the end of it. I really think I need to go somewhere where no one knows my past, and I can just be me, not a memory of Danny and me. I may be in a better situation as I’m 62 but still working. I teach high school – my 25th year – and the students give me such a reason to live. I look forward to going to school every day just to exchange greetings. Yes! At a high school! The students are quite human – not angels! – but also so glad for a happy greeting and a smile. But when I leave, I just want to go home and be by myself. There’s no one else to look forward to anymore.
    Could I suggest volunteering somewhere where people are so grateful to see you and know nothing about you except for what you want to share? I’m sort of thinking this way before I retire… My love and compassion to all of you.
    Lorraine

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  • ANNE

    December 2nd, 2019 at 8:20 AM

    Thank you to all of you who took the time to put your feelings into words and write for this column. My feelings are much the same as yours. I was married 50 years, he passed away seven years ago, and sometimes just getting through the day is difficult.
    But the thoughts and feelings you have all expressed help me a great deal THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR WRITING INTO THIS COLUMN. God bless you all. Anne

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  • Adelene

    November 3rd, 2019 at 9:20 AM

    ok très bien. Je vois déjà le problème … C’est un homme bon et il vous aime beaucoup. Il veut passer le reste de sa vie avec vous. Mais son cœur avait été changé pour travailler contre vous. Une force spirituelle forte le contrôle contre vous. Cette force est provoquée par une femme mais peut être annulée et votre homme vous contactera et vous passerez le reste de votre vie ensemble. Je vois aussi un avenir heureux et lumineux entre vous deux.

    Nous devons travailler ensemble pour archiver cela. Êtes-vous prêt?

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  • KARLA

    November 30th, 2019 at 10:43 PM

    Hi. My husband died May 14 2019. We were together 23 years. I go to the grocery store and stand around trying to figure out how to shop. I don’t want to go anywhere if i dont have to. I stay in bed longer than i should…maybe because i can for the first time or because of little to nothing i have to do…which is why I’m able to stay in bed as long as I wish, too. I miss Norman so much. We always had something to laugh about. We made fun of everything. I cough or sneeze quietly because for a few seconds he’s taking a nap in the other room as he often did. Those few seconds are heaven sent and make me smile. I hope that never ends, but, I suppose some day it will. What I’m avoiding to say is, I’m so scared. I’m very lost. I’m hoping putting this “out there” will (sigh) do something. Who am I? What am I to do? I run many intentions thru my mind..motivation is little to none, tho. Weird how things that held my interest for many years mean nothing. Sewing, painting working in my yard…(sigh). Thanks.

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  • Sandra

    December 1st, 2019 at 1:12 PM

    …Hi Karla….Everything you are experiencing is ‘ normal’…..I’m so very sorry for your loss…It’s nearly 5 yrs since I lost my husband and I’ve been through it all….It’s a long painful journey you have embarked upon but you will come out the other side, I can assure you….It takes a long time to get used to ‘the new norm ‘……Please be strong and look after yourself…..x

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  • Francisca

    December 1st, 2019 at 10:21 PM

    Dear Karla. I agree with Sandra, it’s only been 3 years but it seems longer than that. I understand fully how you feel at this very moment. Nothing matters and the lost you feel is so strong that it just keeps bringing you in that emptiness. You cant help it. It takes time and it’s become a part of you. I am smiling but also empty. I am laughing but also missing my husband badly. Hang in there and remember that you are not alone. Ask for help to anyone you feel comfortable at your own time whenever you feel ready. Be it just talking, be it a shoulder to cry on, be it a frustration or anger. You are not alone, Karla

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  • BG

    December 4th, 2019 at 1:30 AM

    Hey Karla,
    I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand how you feel and yes it is scary and feeling lost. My love passed unexpectedly on November 13, 2018. It’s been a year, but it feels like yesterday to me. I wake up with him on my mind and go to sleep with him on my mind. Every night I ask him to come and visit me in my dreams. For the past year, to help me with my grieving, I have kept a journal and write to him about my day, thoughts and anything I want to share with him. He was everything to me and I to him.
    We were together for 20 years and just like you and your love we always found laughter and fun on a daily basis. They say take one day at a time and it will get better, but I say do what’s best for you. There’s no timeline to grieve, people mean well but unless they loss a love that meant the world to them, they will never understand what we are feeling. Sending you hugs. Take care. ❤️

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  • debbie h.

    May 12th, 2020 at 4:47 PM

    i lost my husband on 24th feb am gutted he was 48 he died at work he had 6 ton fall on his head am heart broken i understand were u are its so hard x

  • Elizabeth

    December 2nd, 2019 at 8:33 AM

    Thank you to all of you who took the trouble to write your feelings down on share them with all of us here.
    It helps me so much to know that I am not alone and that someone understands. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your help.

    Sincerely,
    Anne

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  • Emily K

    January 8th, 2020 at 5:50 AM

    I lost my 29 year old husband on Dec. 16, 2019 due to an epileptic seizure. We were only married 2 years but together for 5. We have a 20 month old daughter. I am grateful to have her because she is his legacy and a piece of him. It was a tough Christmas this year without him. The tears have been flowing on and off. I miss him so much. I know it will get better in time but there will always be a piece of me missing.

    Reply

  • Mary

    February 29th, 2020 at 8:35 PM

    My husband died October 31th,2019. Two heart Attacks, and he was gone, I know where He is, He was a true Christian, and told me the night before he died,I want no coffin, don’t bury me, I want to be cremated, I said Why?
    I will not be a debt to my family, and go moved close to our son in Colorado. I was in shock! No knew
    He would die, not even our doctor, My Vince, said I know who Christ is, and I know who I am in Him, God will take care of you! and that was it, He died the next day , between 6:00 and 7:00 a.m. I cry every day, and I am selling my house, moving to Colorado. We were married 41 years! I pray, and I see a professional grieve Doctor
    every week! I know in my heart my husband, waits for me! and I am studying for my driving written test! that gets me busy! I am 74 years old, I am slim and everyone thinks, I am 50 years old! I thank God, for that!

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  • Linda C.

    March 28th, 2020 at 8:09 PM

    I lost my husband 12/23/19 to pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed in October and 2 months later he was gone at 67 years old. My heart is broken! He was most definitely the love of my life!! It’s been 3 months and it seems as though the grief is coming on stronger. We were best friends and although I’m an out going person we didn’t have friends that we socialized with. So I’m feeling so alone. It doesn’t help to be stuck home during this pandemic. I have a strong faith and I know there’s purpose in everything. God will use this for His good and mine. Although I truly believe this its hard to hold on to. I know we walk by faith and not by feelings but this is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced. Some days it just doesn’t feel like I can make it!! My sympathy goes out to all of you who have lost loved ones on this page! May God give us all strength to live our lives without them.

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  • Jenn

    March 30th, 2020 at 3:14 PM

    Linda C.
    You are not alone. We are here to give you strength; when you can’t stand, lean on us!!!!! I know your pain, I was married for 34 years and my husband died of cancer as well, 2 yrs ago. The pain is real, the heart ache is real. I know your heart is physically in pain, your best fiend has passed away. Sounds like he was your “person” everyone should have a person that gets you and loves you unconditionally!! Grief is a process, everyone handles it differently. There are waves of grief, and just when you think things are better; a song, a smell, a food, a tv show, a place you wanted to visit, takes you back to your loss. We are with you, God is with all of us!!!!!

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  • Linda C.

    March 31st, 2020 at 9:17 AM

    Thank you Jenn!! I appreciate your words of support!! They mean a lot! Thank you for taking the time to reply!!

  • debbie h.

    May 12th, 2020 at 4:21 PM

    my name is dbbie i lost my soul mate on 24th of feb 2020 he was why i got out of bed for ., he got crushed at work died instantly i dont know what to do i miss him so much

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  • Al

    May 23rd, 2020 at 12:43 PM

    I’m a man and I was married to another man and he passed away on April 26th, 2020. We met in 2000 and began living together since 2003. On that year he was diagnosed with a blood cancer. Since the cancer was not very aggressive, and even though he had a few side effects from medications, we had a very happy life together. At the end of the summer of 2018, he was diagnosed with another cancer, which according to his oncologist was a very aggressive type of cancer. After that second cancer I knew that sooner than later I was going to face this new chapter in my life. Right now it is very sad for me to be alone and have been crying every day. We have, or had a few friends in the area but we didn’t see them often. Now with this virus it and being alone it feels even more saddening. I miss my spouse so much and I talk to him every day as if he was with me. Sometimes I wish he could take me with him. I talk to a grief counselor online but I’m not sure of that helps. I do a lot of gardening and walking but everything reminds me of him. Even when I walk I cry too. His shoes, his clothes, his side of the sofa where he used to watch TV are reminder of his absence. I realize that grieving for a spouse is a different type of grief than the one I felt when my parents died. This grief is more personal and much more harder to bear. I feel as if everything has lost meaning for me. The days are just the same and there is nothing ahead to look forward to. I eat because I’m hungry but there is no joy in what I do, and I am not sure if this i will be permanent. God, I miss my spouse so much. After reading the posts I notice how similar people feel when grieving for a spouse, and I realized that only someone in the same situation understands how one feels. Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories.

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  • Pat

    July 27th, 2020 at 3:13 AM

    It is a few years now since I have added a comment however I have read them all. Each comment resonates with me. It is now 4 years since my life partner died. Since then I have moved house,been bullied at my work and had to leave after 20 years , and have 2 more grandchildren. I have also taken up yoga. Then the lock down came. My husband donated his body to medical science and 3 years later there was a memorial service. I then had his ashes made into 4 beautiful paperweights. That’s all the physical changes. Inside I am weeping. Every day is a struggle especially when people expect me to ‘be over it’.I often feel like shutting myself away so I don;t have to be someone else. I miss him so dreadfully it hurts. I don’t expect it to get any better and everything is a struggle. If I waken during the night (which is often) I get up quietly so I don’t disturb him then realise he’s not there and again my world comes crashing down. Apologies for being so negative but this is the only place I can be.Take care x

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  • Sandra

    July 27th, 2020 at 7:47 AM

    …Hi Pat…just over 5yrs for me….The past year I’ve felt a lot better with my new norm….We’ll always miss them, it just gets easier to bear…..I still can fill up very easily when I think of my past life with my husband..he was such a good man and husband….Don’t give in, keep fighting..x

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  • Jenn

    July 27th, 2020 at 8:30 AM

    Al, you are correct; grief of a spouse is so very different. Sad but true!. I have suffered many losses over the years, the difference is that I had my spouse (My Rock) to love me through my pain. In a strange way, I started to grieve before my husband died. I started to grieve the life we would not have, in the later years of our life. Cancer sucks, there are no words to say the can erase the overwhelming emotions of watching your “person” suffer and deteriorate before your very eyes. The helplessness your feel and the heart ache of making those tough decisions, that they expect us to make on their behalf. The hurt is real……………………………………………………………

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  • mick

    August 18th, 2020 at 11:32 PM

    LOVE NEVER DIES!!…ITS MUCH MORE POWERFUL THAN DEATH.

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  • Mick

    August 19th, 2020 at 7:58 AM

    Al, I agree with all you said here. My situation is very similar to yours, and I understand fully all your thoughts on it and what you’re dealing with. I lost my spouse only months ago due to complications from pneumonia, and this is the hardest thing that I can think of that I have ever dealt with These months have passed, and I am very slowly accepting his loss, but that still doesn’t make it any easier. I found dealing with all the things one must deal with after a death, like legal issues, faxes, phone calls, voice mail hells, emails, and trips, you are so caught up in all that that even though you are grieving of course, for myself anyway, it all took my mind elsewhere for awhile. Looking back, I can’t believe all that I finally got done. He was good at making sure things were taken care of like bills, house upkeep, etc. So I not only like to think, but I know he is proud of me! In fact I really feel him guiding me through the maze, and getting through all this. Take care everyone, it is not easy as only people like ourselves who lose a spouse would know .Family and friends including those that lost a spouse, tell me to just take one step and one day at a time, and I found that’s the best advice of all. Its still very hard, but it is true. and as I said, Love never dies! They have no more forgot us than we have them. Trust that.

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  • Pat

    August 19th, 2020 at 10:02 AM

    Hi Sandra for me it isn’t getting better. If anything it’s worse at times. As my grandchildren flourish I wish he was here. He never even met two of them. A lot of the time I simply can;t believe he has gone. I’m existing and living with a brave face. I often cry when on my own either at home or on the street. Like all of you the virus hasn’t helped. I wish you all well x

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  • rich

    August 19th, 2020 at 4:28 PM

    Mick:
    You are absolutley correct.
    Rich

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  • Sandra

    August 20th, 2020 at 8:17 AM

    …Hi Pat….It’s a long haul for sure but you will get stronger I promise you….Take care…x

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  • mick

    August 20th, 2020 at 12:23 PM

    Thank You Rich for saying that. Its still difficult, but slowly, and sometimes very slowly…I’m learning to at least cope with it. I wish everyone well, as I know how hard this is.

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  • Widowed to young

    September 28th, 2020 at 7:31 PM

    At the age of 48 I lost my husband 4 years ago on Feb. 28th, 2016. Our family hasn’t been the same since. My youngest daughter has lost her way and no longer believes in God. She’s in an unhealthy relationship. She feels like she has no one and is not close to her brothers and sisters. The day my husband died, parted of me died too. He was half of my soul and all of my heart. There’s days when I can’t bear the pain of him not being here and pray for the Lord just to take me. THings have been so bad these last weeks , especially with my daughter I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. I just want my husband back and our life back they way it used to be.

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  • Pat

    September 29th, 2020 at 8:32 AM

    I am 4 years lost since 26th May 2016. I think about him constantly like my head is about to explode.Surviving not living. No real answers I’m afraid.. Every morning like groundhog day. My grandchildren are blessing. Thinking of you all .

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  • Gayle

    October 1st, 2020 at 11:15 AM

    To be widowed and move right into a pandemic and social unrest is truly overwhelming. I am desperately unhappy.

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  • Leona

    January 28th, 2021 at 12:44 PM

    Hi. My husband died on November 20, 2020 after a long battle with brain cancer. I read all your posts, and so much of what you all say resonates with me. We were married for 30 years. He was my everything. I think I will feel married for the rest of my life. My biggest struggle is losing the joy I would feel in the little things. If I’m taking a walk, I may notice a birch tree or a flower, and yes, it’s beautiful, but the joy I used to get in seeing the beauty is no longer there. It seems there is no more joy for me. I do have two grown children, thank God, but it’s not the same kind of love I had for my husband. I miss him so much. I miss sharing the thousands of little memories we had together, the moments no one else knows about but us. And I miss the future we had together and all the little memories we had yet to form. I cried every day when he was sick, and I’m still crying. I joined a support group, I talk to my friends, I try to keep busy, but maybe it’s too soon. It’s not helping. He will always be alive in me, and I will always love him. I dread the many years I have to live without him, but I know I have to try to live the best life I can. There is no other choice. And maybe in time I will learn to accept this. He was a good man, generous and kind. He did not deserve what happened to him.
    In reading all your posts, I realize we are all struggling with the same feeling, that no loss is the same as losing a spouse or life partner. I’m not saying it’s better or worse than other kinds of losses, just different. When he died, a big part of me died with him, just like a big part of him is still alive with me. But he’s not here to talk to, to listen to, to hug me. I miss his hugs.
    I am glad I came upon this blog. I’m so sorry for everyone’s loss, because I know how deep and painful it really is.

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  • Linda

    January 29th, 2021 at 8:33 PM

    Leona, I’m so sorry for your loss!! My husband passed away 2 days before Christmas in 2019 so I understand just how difficult it is. My husband was my everything as well! It sounds like you are doing everything you can and your attitude is good which in my opinion is so very important. I wish I could tell you some special recipe to get past the pain. Some days are good and some days aren’t. I give myself permission to rest and not push myself when it’s difficult. I encourage you to go into the grief and not avoid it. That’s been my goal. If you have a faith I encourage you to cling to it. It’s the only thing that truly gets me through each day. God bless you and guide you on your journey!!

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  • Claudia

    April 27th, 2021 at 12:26 PM

    My husband, Frank, passed away on April 6, 2021 at 53 years old. It was just 3 months shy of our 28th anniversary. I’m 49 years old, yet feel like life is over. He’d been ill for six years, but his health declined rapidly this year, especially during the pandemic. With diabetes and congestive heart failure, he was in and out of hospitals regularly. He was wheelchair-bound and required lots of care at home. His sisters and myself took turns taking care of him and transporting him to doctors and such. He still had a great sense of humor though; made everyone laugh. He sang his heart out at church every Sunday with his big, powerful baritone voice. We have two beautiful children in college. So, although I have a lot to live for; college graduations, future grandchildren, it’s very hard to feel that right now. I returned to work last week and trying to get back to a daily routine, but it’s still very hard. I want to see him, hear him, feel him. Sometimes I feel a little angry because he doesn’t send me signs when I speak to him. I know he’s with the Lord, free and walking; no more pain, no more struggles. I just want him to let me know that he’s doing well and is with the Lord and the angels. Why won’t he send me a sign?

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  • Kary

    June 17th, 2021 at 5:33 PM

    My husband died from melanoma cancer on July 5, 2018. Tom and I had been married for just a few months short of 38 years. I first met him when I was 15 and he was 17. I decided I was too young to start a deep relationship. He pestered me for 5 years before I said “Yes, I will marry you.” If I had known that his life would end at the age of 62, I would have said yes when I was 15.
    It’s been almost three years now, and I’m still lost. I cry all the time. I just can’t/won’t move on. I’m so stuck. We had three sons together, who, I guess, are worried about me. One drew the small straw and he with his family, moved into my home. Is this a good thing? I don’t know. My son has two young daughters who keep me busy. I put a smile on my face, but I’m faking it. I want so much to be with him. Tom was my everything. He promised he would be with me until the day I died. Instead, I was there when he died. I honestly don’t know how much more I can endure.
    I read everyone’s story, I don’t feel that I’m that much alone. Everyone here has lost someone near and dear to them. My story is not unique, which I’m thankful. I cried for each and everyone of you because I know and understand your pain.

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  • Jemina

    June 18th, 2021 at 1:24 PM

    Dear Kary, I was where you are 4 years ago. I still wish my husband was here but I am doing much better. Attending grief groups helped and then volunteering to help. It’s going on 7 years and I look forward to my daily activities. You have to give it time and you are blessed to have family with you. Please don’t give up. We live to honour those we love.

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  • Sandra

    June 18th, 2021 at 3:20 PM

    ..Hi Kary….so sorry you’re still in pain……My husband has been gone 6 yrs and I miss him like crazy still…..As time goes on you will come to realize that time will not heal the pain…..What time does is lessen the pain to a manageable level and what you are left with is…’ The new norm ‘…..Take it from me…you will smile again and mean it…..Don’t be sad it’s over…just be glad it happened……x

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  • Despair

    July 31st, 2021 at 10:01 PM

    I am so sorry for everyone here, but sorry does not take away our pain and nor does it fill our losses. May the mercy of the One of All be upon us, may our sorrow lesson. I have lost the will to continue living, after my soul mate, life-partner/husband of 30 years suddenly passed on four months ago during the pandemic this year (2021). Still too traumatized to repeat the injustice happened during his hospital test, which has resulted his death. He went in alive and came out dead in one month. I believe he was killed by the hospital’s procedures and practices. They let him die while being he was helplessly strapped down in the ICU. The medical staff made no attempt with medical intervention or efforts. This was against my beloved’s and my wish. The hospital/doctors basically decide who live and who die with no checks and balances. I was barred to see him during his stay even though both of us had no Covid and I dressed in full PPE. This has been happening in Toronto, Canada, and no one is talking about this…. I am now left behind, with no children, and have very limited friends (lockdown, and widowhood effects). I feel very much alone, isolated, and at times I feel my mental health is slipping. Everyday I am so depressed and do not want to live anymore, because our future of getting old together (retiring together), enjoying our fruits of labours now completely vanished overnight. And I see no point of continuing living in this pain and depression, without aims everyday. Like a walking ghost. From what I learned from other widowed people and studies, this pain and emptiness will remain with us – widows/widowers until we die. So what is the point? I ask God this question every day. I am in such low point myself, but I would like to extend my care to everyone here. I pray to my beloved and God that all those are suffering can be healed, and can find the love and bright light we so desperately need. If anyone here has any ideas that may help, would you please leave a reply? Thank you from my heart.

    Reply

  • Sara GT

    August 2nd, 2021 at 8:20 AM

    Dear Despair, We are sorry for your loss. Perhaps you might wish to speak with a mental healthcare provider? If so you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your location into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Once done, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team

    Reply

  • Karen B Holmes

    August 2nd, 2021 at 11:15 PM

    Its been 3 years and 3 months and 25 days and a few hours since my soulmate took a Harley Ride with his son in law.. I was usually with him, but we had only gotten his Mom to come live with us and she had dimentia, so could not be left alone. I knew he loved riding so I decided to stay home while he enjoyed a day doing what he loved. He was happy the last few years and in love… he told me all the time and we had 91 days before we were to be married. Each morning before heading out for work he would hold my hand look in my eyes and tell me all the reasons he loved me more than life. I sure miss this. He was the type of man that was never late for work and one morning rushing to get ready He grabbed my hand sat down on the bed and said, I want to tell you why I love you and what you mean to me… I quickly let him know he was late for work an d he said.. I work for my family so I can provide, my work knows this, and if there comes a time when it should interupt my family life I should not work.. then he proceeded like any day to tell me he loved me because of the way I loved him, the way I showed him he was loved, the special lunches and taking off of work to watch his grandchildren, how helpful I was and how i treated others… there was always more… but this morning ritual i miss so much as al woud like someone to tell them how beautiful they are as a person, my fiance actually did this. He wanted to make sure I knew i was his family and he said I have but one feeling and you hold it gently please do not crush or hurt it i know we only had 3 short years, but when you look for this person for 51 years and then find this soul, I cant compare it to your 21 or 35 years but Im jealous of those that got that much time with their soul mates. I feel robbed and yes Ive tried desperately… almost too desperately to move one.. I got married for 4 months, had my first one night stand… nothijng to be proud of,… just I am lost… trying to hold my head up pretend all is okay and It isn’t it just isnt… however once again i show i’m okay because i got married… why… because i’m lonely and hurt and need some companionship and thought a friend would be good….. but no it doesnt work this way so just letting everyone know… dont rush into anything… that was another worst things to live through and they dont appreciate finding you still in love with the one you lost. sorry, depressed, lonely and unable to really go forward, but try hard not to let friends know… because hey ive had 3 years so its time to get over it already… well I heard the song … they never met you and yeah that’s it. I miss him every day and only cry when i’m alone. which i try to be so that i can think of only him and stop pretending everything is okay

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  • marilyn

    September 17th, 2021 at 10:03 PM

    my husband of 55 years just passed a few weeks ago. the pain is deep i cry like a freight train, and now my dog sleeps in the laundry room he is scared. im overwhelmed with fear and paperwork i m apying bills and hope money will allow me to stay in our home we built. i have no support system from my children at all.. they have instilled fear that im going to wind up in the poorhouise, its as if i dyed ,,,,, people disappear, im alone with his ashes which i had to get by myself alll arrangement were made by me,,, he was bigger than life we traveled and lead a 5 star life,,,,,,,,, i have great memories,, but now im numb. no where to turn……… he wont be back, o, seeing it now …….. people are dumb they say they understand but dont i get that.my god will take care of me . its along journey ahead alone … pray for each other i was luckey to have this great man , but now he is gone and my dog cant stop greiving,

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  • Kathy

    September 23rd, 2021 at 12:10 PM

    My husband departed for Heaven on June 23rd of this year. 2021 My heart is still so broke, I don’t know what to do without him. we were married 53 years. I think it was a dirty trick how death snuck up on him and stole him from his beautiful family. I still feel his presence I want him back so much I think I am having a bad dream. we were suppose to grow old and have fun. but we grew old and he died. I am so pist off about this. I dont know if I am more hurt or more angry. Thank You all for listening.

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  • Christopher

    September 27th, 2021 at 7:12 PM

    I know, we legally were not married. The woman I loved. Died suddenly on Sept. 4, 2021. She was only 52. We first met online in 2010. We fell out of touch in 2012. In 2016, I decided to look her up again. in 2016, I flew out to finally meet her in-person. She did have Bipolar Disorder, and was obese. She did tell me before I went out there, for the first time(I went there again in 2017 n’ 2018) for one week. But I still loved her. It has only been 3.5wks.. But I feel like a walking ‘zombie’. There is a ‘Wounded Warrior Project’ commercial where a female NCO(Non-Commissioned Officer) says she tells people she is okay. Then says, she really isn’t. I have never served in the military, but I feel like that NCO. I am not okay. Maybe her obesity was the cause of her death. But, I am also expecting the unexpected. That she, her son(32yrs.-old), or I, ever knew. I didn’t get to go out there again. Because, I moved in 2019. Then came Covid-19. If that hadn’t happened, I would have been able to see her again.)
    I was married(1992-2000), in one engagement(2002-2007), then another(2007-2012). All three of those women are still alive. It was an LDR(Long-Distance Relationship). But, We got along so well. I have constant crying spells.(tears)

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  • Barbara

    November 26th, 2021 at 2:16 PM

    My husband died in September 2021. Though he had sick for 6 years with colon cancer…we did not expect him to go so fast. He became
    ill suddenly in mid august with a heart valve issue that was new and sudden…We found out before his quick death that their was nothing we could do to help him and he passed away 10 days later. I fell during this time and broke my leg in 2 places…I didn’t know the extent of my injuries and walked on it for 2 weeks trying to take care of my husband. I have since had 2 surgeries and hopefully will get out of this “BOOT” that I am currently in. I feel I haven’t been able to deal with his death or the extent of my injuries. Any suggestions

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  • Sandra

    November 28th, 2021 at 2:14 AM

    ….Hi Barbara…so very sorry for your loss….We’ve all been there and we all deal with these things differently….All I can say is, be patient with yourself….One day at a time as they say, and it’s so true…My husband died nearly 7 yrs ago and feels like last week, but, I’m through it…Never thought I would be….I can smile now and laugh…I think about him all the time and now I can deal with him gone….He had incurable Lung Disease for over 5 years….It was a sentence for me as well…He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I miss him like crazy, but I have come to terms with him gone….You will as well…like I said, be good to yourself, look after yourself and know one day you will cope…Get well soon….x

    Reply

  • Francisca

    November 28th, 2021 at 11:52 AM

    Dear Barbara, hugs! lots of hugs sending your way. I lost my husband, my half, 5 years ago. It was unbearable, I was devastated. Whatever you feel right now, I know. But … you also have to deal with your injuries : ( … I only know that by remembering my husband, his words to me, everything that he had done for me and us … it keeps me going until now. Ask for help, don’t hold yourself but if you feel there’s a day you don’t feel like to talk to anyone, it’s ok too. When you feel vulnerable, surround yourself with those who stand by you … even just one person. Ask for help, let it out is very healing … please come back keep us update …

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  • Don

    February 27th, 2022 at 9:57 PM

    Sermons on grief and loss like this really helps a lot and I think the good ones from keionhendersonsermons on-grief and other great pastors really help those who are in pain of losing loved ones.

    Reply

  • Jemina

    March 5th, 2022 at 11:13 AM

    I have endured and relate to the pain and heartache of everyone here but would like to share some positive things. Being part of a church community and volunteering has given me purpose. I still grieve intensely for my husband quite often but sharing that grief with others and accepting the resources available really helps. It gives me joy to be able to contribute something and use the rest of my life to be useful in whatever way I can be. I have regrets and wish that I could have done more to help my lifetime love to live longer. But I am thankful for great memories, 42 years of marriage and 2 children. I miss him every day but after 7 years and 5 months I have come a long way with the help of people God put in my life to support me.

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  • Cathy

    March 22nd, 2022 at 4:30 PM

    I lost my husband on December 20. We were together since I was 14 and he was 15. I am devastated and can’t believe the pain of this. I decided to look for anything that might help me. I would not take any drugs but looked for anything else. I found books about near death experiences, angels and prayer. I found a list of grief prayers online for Peace, hope, etc. I pray many times a day. I took his sweatshirt from the garage and put it in a ziplock bag. I can smell him anytime I want. I sleep with one of his shirts. I drink gallons of chamomile tea and bought Hylands Nerve Tablets. I called the funeral home (he was fingerprinted) and they sent me a catalogue of fingerprint jewelry. I will order a necklace. I pray each night for protection and peace and thank God for the help he gives me every day.
    I also thank God that I lived and loved as I did.
    I will survive. I know that. It’s sometimes so big though that I cry and cry. I accept that. If I loved him deeply, I will grieve deeply. I am still his wife.

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  • Jemina

    March 22nd, 2022 at 9:01 PM

    Cathy, it was a joy to read your letter. You are doing exactly what you need to do. It’s okay to cry. I still cry after 7 and a half years and he was my one and only and still is. Married for 42 years. I pray all the time too and read books on grief as well as attended grief groups and stayed active in my church. I learned that there is joy in grief. It is devastating but we have to be thankful for the memories. It is better to have loved and lost…….

    Reply

  • Mary

    March 24th, 2022 at 10:29 PM

    My husband and soul mate passed away march 2021, from bile duct cancer we only knew he had cancer for 24 days and he was gone.like. everyone else my life is forever changed,The pain takes my breathe away.

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  • Cathy

    March 24th, 2022 at 11:41 PM

    Jemina, thank you for the support. Another positive. I’ve found that everything helps.
    My husband and I married right out of high school and were married for 50 years, 6 months and 8 days. I thank God for each of those days. I know I was blessed.
    I look for each small comfort I can find. Anything that brings a minute of peace or comfort. I buy lavender candles and room spray. I walk a lot. My husband died in December and as it was so cold, I walked inside. Up and down the hallway to my living room. 19 steps. It’s not that it really helped, but it felt better than sitting. I take vitamins and try to get outside every day. I found one book that helped me so very much. It is 7 Lessons From Heaven by Dr. Mary Neal.
    Something that I have realized as I searched for help, is that no one knows what this is like until it happens to them. I didn’t know how much I would suffer physically as well as mentally and emotionally. My heart beat in my head for 2 weeks. My chest was tight. I didn’t know that I would have such a bad memory that I wouldn’t remember that I had already washed the dishes or made the bed or took my vitamin and go back to do it. Thought I was losing my mind until I read that what I was going through was normal.
    Good Therapy is a good place and I discovered it while searching for more help. Another positive.
    I am not the first woman to go through this and I will not be the last. One thing I do know about the future. I will help those women I see who are also forced to go through this. We need help and comfort and understanding while suffering through this. We need to be told that what we feel is normal, because it’s scary. We all need each other.

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  • CINDY

    April 3rd, 2022 at 7:14 PM

    My husband went to the Heart Institute in Ottawa…..they put the central line and lascerated his artery…He ended up with 2 litres of blood in his lungs…It is going to be 3 years on the 18 day of April 2022….I feel that when his heart stoppped mine was so badly damaged by what he went through… My life right now is not worth it…I cry all the time and my life is not mine. How do you put sonething like this behind you??? Everyday nothing but emptiness that never seems to go away…I miss him so much the laughter that he had would light up a room.. now the slicence is to quiet to listen to…there are days that I don’t want to go home….I want to put the keys in my mailbox and just drive away….I don’t know where I would go….We would of been 38 years married and he is gone…….

    Reply

  • Jemina

    April 4th, 2022 at 9:59 PM

    Thank you for writing, Cathy. I know exactly what you are going through. I never thought I would laugh and smile again. This year would have been our 50th and I am glad that we had a big party (and renewal of vows) with family and friends in our home and backyard for the 40th. I have lots of friends who are widows and I spoke to them often and had lots of support from church members. Please don’t be alone. There is a lot of wonderful help out there from caring people who have gone through the same. Keep on taking care of your body and stay hydrated. I was given a book called “The Courage to grieve” by Judy Tatelbaum and it was very helpful. You will never stop grieving and missing him but the sun will shine again. God bless you.

    Reply

  • Debbie

    April 17th, 2022 at 1:54 PM

    My husband and I were married 12 years we were together 24/7 besides work I have no family or friends he was all I had in this whole world ,my husband passed away 3 weeks after we found out he had cancer and process of kidney failure i kept him home as long as possible and he had to be admitted to the hospital he only lasted 5 days since Nov 2020 I been crying every single day since i just cant stop I have not left my apt but 3 times since , it was very traumatizing what i saw him go through and im still traumatized , i dont know what to do my life has no meaning now or purpose

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  • Cathy

    June 13th, 2022 at 1:39 PM

    Debbie,
    My heart hurts for you. It’s been almost 6 months since I lost my husband. Yesterday would have been our 51st anniversary. I am grieving but I rely on God and prayer to get me through each day. He is there for me and comforts me.
    Please look around you for another widow who you can relate to. I have a cousin who has helped me so much. She lost her husband 4 years ago. Others do not know unless they have gone through this. We need to rely on each other.
    I will pray for you. God will show you your purpose. I wait for Him to show me mine but I know He knows I am still too raw with grief.
    Accept your feelings. You loved greatly so you will grieve with all your heart just as you loved.
    Please know that there are so many others going through the same. Reach out to them.

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  • Al

    August 4th, 2022 at 8:24 PM

    I am so sorry for your loss. And I can totally relate to what you are going through. I lost my partner of 38 years to cancer in April, and from that forward I am a total wreck, I am getting better . Dealing with this new situation is not an easy transition and I hate it! I’m still looking for answers . I feel for you and your pain.

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  • graham

    August 12th, 2022 at 11:33 AM

    hi al thanks for your thoughts its been 6 years since my wife passed . i try to get on with it as they say but to be honest the empty feeling dosnt go away .i think as well its hard to learn how to live alone you will make it for your partner all i can say is live as your partner would want the best of luck from graham.

    Reply

  • Ally

    November 13th, 2022 at 12:04 AM

    Hi all. I have lost my beloved. I miss him so much. The pain is just so raw and gut wrenching. This pain is like no other. I never even knew such pain existed until now. I am only 37. I don’t understand how life can be so cruel. I am catholic and trying to hold onto my faith. But it gets so difficult at times. I just have the whys – why does god allow things like this to happen. I don’t know how to live life for the next 1-2-3-10-20-30 years with this pain. I feel so lonely and just so in darkness. I used to be a very bubbly person. I am loving and kind and am a people’s person. But now I struggle to even smile. I don’t know how to be. I’m just in so much pain. I cry all the time. People say that time will heal. But I just think that I will never have happiness or that joy and love back, because my love has been taken. I look at other families out there, husband and wife with their kids and having a great laugh and a great time… I just wish I was that lucky and blessed to have that. My whole life I have been giving, I work as a health professional and love helping patients and giving them the best care.. I am passionate about it and have always lived with the motto- treat people the way you want to be treated. With a tragedy like this, it makes me question so much- it makes me question what is the point of life? I keep getting adversities after another. I am in a very dark place. I go to therapy and I see some friends during the week. I have noticed that the close friends who you thought would be there, aren’t there because fear was bought out for them through my tragedy. I don’t know if there will be anyone reading my post as I know the dates have been way back. I just have so much love for my beloved and this grief is so raw and painful. How did you come to terms or go through the years with grief ? Any advice would be so much appreciated. I hate that we are all in this club that we never wished to be in !

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  • Joyce

    March 8th, 2023 at 1:20 PM

    I lost my husband, soulmate and best friend after 70 years of marriage. I am almost 90 what is there to live for?? We did EVERYTHING together, I am so lost. I know I’ll see him again someday, but now people just make it worse.

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  • Karen

    March 28th, 2023 at 9:33 AM

    Hello all, I lost my mum in September, then my beloved husband of 37 years, and then my aunty in December. My world has fallen apart, I am so sad every day. I have so many good friends, that have been there for me, but I feel that they have their own lives to live and are drifting away one by one. I have no idea how to go on after losing my husband, it’s just sad every day, and I keep wanting to ask questions to him and talk to him, but he isn’t there. How do I move on . . .

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  • Charlotte

    March 28th, 2023 at 12:43 PM

    Dear Karen, I can’t imagine all that you are going through, and talking to someone can help with processing such loss. To find a therapist with experience in grief/loss, please enter your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. Please reach out directly if you need help finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team

    Reply

  • Wendy P

    April 1st, 2023 at 8:23 AM

    I know exactly how you feel and empathise with you. I too lost the love of my life 2 August 2022 suddenly and unexpectedly after 36 years together and 3 weeks before our 32nd wedding anniversary. We never got to say goodbye. He was my best friend, my mentor, my guide, my lover, my soulmate, my wonderful devoted and loving husband, stepdad, granddad and great-granddad to my 3 children and their families, whom he loved and brought up as his own. It is now 8 months since he passed and my life is at a standstill. We were joined at the hip and did everything together. I have never been alone in my life until now and am not coping with it very well. My family have been marvellous but they do all have their own lives to lead. I am on my own a lot of the time and am devastated and totally lost. I do talk to him every day but always end up in tears as I can’t cope with the pain from the lack of his physical presence, and cannot yet even think of sorting and clearing out his things. I have wonderful memories of course, but feel no comfort, only worthless and useless with no purpose. I will love him until I die and then hopefully we will be reunited. Grief is truly the price we all pay for loving someone we have lost.

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  • Tonya

    April 9th, 2024 at 3:49 PM

    All these comments of loss resonates, I lost my husband suddenly on February 20 2024, I had a rumination bad, there were signs, how could we not save him!? He fought for life so bravely! I am devastated, I only had 10 years together and we raised a beautiful daughter. I am beyond words to describe the despair. He was 64 and I am 53, he met me at when he was 54 and now I am saying goodbye to him on my 54th birthday at his celebration of life party. Not fair, we had plans and things we wanted to do as empty nesters. I am speechless on what to do next. I have to try and work while going through the pain. Thank you for listening.

    Reply

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