5 Self-Counseling Skills for Managing Stress at Holiday Gatherings

December 20, 2024
by Ashley Silver, M.A., LPC, NCC in Denver, Colorado

Few are immune to the stress that holiday gatherings can induce. Social pressures, personal expectations, and differences in lifestyles or personal values can be tricky to navigate. When holiday gatherings feel more overwhelming than anything else, utilizing a few effective self-counseling skills can help you prepare for and manage these gatherings with confidence and self-care.  

Identify your feelings and emotional needs

Self-awareness can be one of the most effective self-counseling skills for navigating stress around holiday gatherings. Our feelings provide us with important information about our emotional needs. If you notice that you feel nervous or anxious about a gathering, ask yourself, “What emotional need might be going unmet and is resulting in this anxiety?” Emotional needs are things like connection, authenticity, play, hope, or safety (among many others). Consider how you can meet these needs independently and, when appropriate, share them with trusted others. 

Set boundaries

We’ve all had moments when someone’s words or actions left us feeling hurt, drained, or overwhelmed. These experiences underscore the importance of setting boundaries—the invisible lines that help define where we end, and others begin. Setting and maintaining these boundaries is vital for resilience, self-care, and healthy relationships.

To prepare for potentially difficult conversations, practice responses like:

“I’m not comfortable discussing that topic right now.”

“I appreciate your concern, but I need some space to think about this.”

“I see we have different perspectives on that.”

Remember, boundaries aren’t about shutting others out—they’re about honoring both yourself and those around you. Ask yourself, “What is a likely result of not setting boundaries?” Potentially feeling hurt or resentful? This is why setting boundaries is an act of care that strengthens your relationships and preserves your peace of mind.

Commit to self-validation

When you validate someone, you acknowledge the reality of their unique human experience—without judgment. Self-validation, therefore, refers to the ability to recognize, accept, and affirm your own feelings without judgment or external approval. Practicing self-validation is an essential skill for emotional health and well-being.

How to practice self-validation:

Recognize and name your feelings. Simply being aware of your emotions is the first step toward accepting them.

Use non-judgmental self-talk. Notice if you are “should-ing” on yourself with thoughts like “I shouldn’t feel this way” or “They should make an attempt to understand me”. Releasing judgments can promote a more empathetic and understanding attitude toward yourself and others.

Seek internal validation. When you feel the need for others to agree with you, pause and ask yourself, “How will others’ opinions make me feel better in this moment?” Instead of relying on someone else to say the “right” thing, trust your inner voice and give yourself the affirmation you need.

Let your values lead your behavior

Clarifying your personal values can simplify your decision-making processes. When you’re asked to compromise or go along with the group, aligning with your core values can help reduce stress and anxiety, strengthen self-respect, and foster meaningful connections. 

Example in Action:

If honesty is a core value, you may feel confident in telling the truth, even if it’s uncomfortable, because you know it aligns with your integrity.

If compassion is a guiding value, you might find it easier to connect with others on an emotional level, which can lead to more fulfilling and confident social interactions.

If fairness is a personal value, it may lead you to prioritize decisions that are just and equitable, while working to find solutions that respect everyone involved.

When you’re clear on your values and make choices that are aligned with them, you’re less likely to feel conflicted or overwhelmed. Aligning with your values helps you stay calm and composed, and it allows you to act consistently in varying situations.

Plan a small reward for yourself to enjoy after the gathering

End on a positive note by celebrating your effort to show up for yourself and others. Plan a reward—something relaxing or uplifting that honors your commitment to emotional self-care. This can also be thought of as a form of self-soothing. Self-soothing is a powerful self-counseling skill for distress tolerance. Think about self-soothing using your five senses.

Examples:

Enjoy a favorite snack, take a walk, or watch a movie.

Journal about the experience to process any remaining thoughts or emotions.

Light a candle, boil cinnamon, or take a shower using your favorite smelling soap.

Holiday gatherings may come with their share of challenges, but by prioritizing these effective self-counseling skills, you might uncover a remarkable strength in your ability to care for yourself and others. These are skills that strengthen over time, so give yourself permission to take pride in your efforts. Allow yourself grace to do what feels best for you. What works for you may not work for others—and that’s okay.

The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.