I’m Introverted and Socially Awkward. How Can I Make Friends?
Dear Socially Stymied,
Thanks for writing. From what I could glean from your relatively brief message, I sensed both anxiety and some possible defensiveness on your part in regard to meeting people. Humor, like anything else, can be used a number of ways; by “sarcastic” I wonder if you mean laughing with or laughing at the potential friend. (Or if it’s taken as the latter even if you intend the former, by someone who doesn’t yet know you.)
Suspicion and negativity, too, can be used for self-protection, thus I make a very rough guess that perhaps there is a fear of being hurt. I’m wondering if you have been hurt by people in the past and are wary of trusting again? Or is there a crisis of confidence or self-esteem that might make you wary of allowing people to get to know you? (The fear of “once people really know me, they won’t like me” is very common.) I can assure you that everyone goes through such a challenge at one time or another; people who question their confidence or abilities are almost always harder on themselves than anyone else.
The other theme in your message is loneliness. When you say you have neither a best friend nor any friends, my heart twinged. Perhaps there’s some frustration and confusion there. Of course, I am highly biased given my profession, but this kind of conundrum—wanting to be safe while wanting to connect with others (who might potentially hurt or disappoint us)—is very common and precisely what a good psychotherapist would explore with you in a safe, productive manner. If my first deduction about self-protection is true, then it stands to inference that some past experience has left an emotional scar. I have a therapist friend who says that no one escapes trauma completely, that there is trauma with a big “T” and a little “t”. Even little t’s can make one wary of new relationships.
It also might be worth pausing to reflect about the negativity and sarcasm, which can be endearing or off-putting, depending on context. I’m not entirely sure what you mean by negativity. And if you’re being sarcastic about some pop-culture figure or the latest politician in trouble, for instance, that can be an icebreaker; if it’s about the host of the party, it could backfire. You may have a dry wit, for instance (which I always appreciate), but does it come across more cutting than you intend?
Here’s a little tip: People like to talk about themselves and what they do. Not because people are self-centered but because they’re looking to share their stories and, in many ways, reduce the isolation and loneliness you’re describing. To have another person actually interested in us and our experiences is reassuring. In fact, I’d say all of my clients struggle mightily with this issue; some modern psychologists believe loneliness and alienation is our culture’s biggest challenge. (Read Erich Fromm, Ernest Becker, or Viktor Frankl’s superb Man’s Search for Meaning if you’re interested in this.) In fact, I have found success socially—in spite of shyness—because I like to hear people’s stories and share a little of my own. As the old adage goes, “God gave us two ears and one mouth for a reason.” (It’s also a great way to get dates, by the way, provided the person allows equal air time.) It continues to amaze me how we humans have so much more in common, emotionally and psychologically, than we realize. We are all pretty much in the same cosmic boat.
I wish you the best of luck and would comfortably guess the problem is not as dire as it feels. And there’s no shame in getting a little help to iron out temporary challenges, which all of us have at one time or another. Thanks again for writing.
Sincerely,
Darren
Darren Haber
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lil
February 9th, 2013 at 4:30 AMIs this who you really are or is this just what other people have always said about you and you have internalized it and come to believe it?
There are so many different ways to meet new people. Have you tried church nor something like that? That can be a great place to meet other people in a setting where they should not be judgemental of you at all!
Dee
May 23rd, 2015 at 6:05 PMI want so much to just have one friend.My only friend is in N,C.I am so lonely most days,I feel the pain will never end.
AmyMarie
May 29th, 2015 at 9:24 AMI read this article recently. It said the easiest way to meet someone at a gathering is to go up to someone, stick out your hand, say hi. I don’t know anyone here… my name is (fill in blank). They will tell you their name. Ask them how they came to be at that place. You tell them how you came to be there. It goes from there. I have yet to try it but reading this gave me a sense of relief. There are many introverts in this world. We are not alone, as much as it might seem sometimes(: If for some reason the person is rude, move along, they weren’t worth knowing in the first place. Good luck!
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