My Parents Stayed Together Because of Me. Now I Feel Guilty!

My parents recently confided in me that they have been considering divorce for years and the only reason they have stayed together this long is because of me. I am 17 and an only child. In a sense it's nice to know that they cared enough to be miserable for my benefit, but on the other hand I now feel incredibly guilty and depressed about it. I don't want my parents to be unhappy. I feel like I'm a pretty well-adjusted person at this point, so they don't need to shelter me. Of course, deep down I would love for them to work it out and stay together forever, but I'm not sure how realistic that is. Should I say something to them? Give my blessing to call it quits? Ask them to try to work it out somehow? -- Caught in the Middle
Dear Caught in the Middle,

Thank you for writing. Divorce can be such a difficult subject for families, and many parents struggle with how to talk with their kids about their thoughts and feelings about it. The reasons parents stay together or decide to separate are many-fold, and rarely come down to one single factor. The one thing I can say with certainty is that their decision to separate or stay together IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Your parents are adults who have made many choices in their lives, choices they must own. Being parents means that making major decisions that impact you and your family can be complicated. Parents might choose a particular type of car because they want it to be safe for their children, even though they’d have preferred a sportier model. They may quit certain habits because they want to be good role models for their kids. They may take part in activities they don’t enjoy (roller coasters come to mind) because their kids love them. These are all daily decisions parents make for the sake of their children. The underlying reason, however, that most parents make these choices is because they fit with their own belief system about the kind of parents they want to be. It feels good to make those choices. It would feel bad to make different ones. Your parents are no different.

Your parents clearly subscribe to the belief that children benefit from parents staying together. To those who share this belief, the benefits of staying together significantly outweigh the challenges and even unhappiness of staying in a relationship that is not working. Your parents decided to commit to a path that involved them staying together. This was their decision, not yours. They did not consult you about it when you were younger—nor should they have. It was a decision that was made because they care deeply about you and wanted to provide you with the best environment they felt they could, but that is part of the job of being parents.

It seems, though, that there is a great opportunity now to talk with them about this. They’ve opened the door to the conversation, and it’s up to you as to how you want to follow up. I don’t think this about giving your blessing or asking them to work it out. Honestly, you don’t (and shouldn’t) have that kind of power. They may be asking for your input, however, so that they can make a better-informed decision—a decision that will impact you, but that ultimately will be theirs and theirs alone.

If you continue to feel guilty and depressed, it might be a good idea to talk to a counselor about how to work through what you are feeling. Your family also might benefit from family therapy to talk about what your parents separating or staying together now means for you all as a family. Best of luck!

Sincerely,
Erika

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.
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  • stephen

    February 22nd, 2013 at 10:37 PM

    well if they mentioned it to you it could be because they thought you were old enough to know it.maybe it was because they want to give you a hint of the things to come.sit together and talk about what is on their mind and see how best you can work it out to make things better for all of you,individually as well as a family.

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  • ellie

    February 23rd, 2013 at 4:41 AM

    Wow you can’t feel guilty for the choices that your parents made- they are adults and they are the ones who have to live with whatever decisions they have made in life And for them to come back now and tell you this makes them seem more than a little selfish to me

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  • Sylvia

    February 23rd, 2013 at 10:10 AM

    While I commend your parents for trying to do the right thing, I think that by them telling you this and you are still so young was a horrible mistake. I am not sure that this would be something that I would ever confide to my own children true or not because i would never want them to think that I toughed things out for them, that they were the cause of me staying miserable in my marriage. I find that you are very brave to even write in here to ask if what you are feeling is valid or if you are to blame. just know that they made their own choices and in no way should this reflect on who you are. Be your own person, learn from their mistakes as I hope that they have and lead a life that keeps you free and happy.

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