Stonewalling

Flat stacked stone. Stonewalling is a persistent refusal to communicate or to express emotions. It is common during conflicts, when people may stonewall in an attempt to avoid uncomfortable conversations or out of fear that engaging in an emotional discussion will result in a fight.

What Is Stonewalling?

Conflict, particularly in close relationships, can be overwhelming and may feel unbearable. When faced with a potential conflict, one partner may stonewall, or completely refuse to communicate. Stonewalling can include avoiding a discussion of one’s feelings, refusing to give nonverbal communication cues, walking out in the middle of a discussion without warning or explanation, or simply refusing to discuss the issue at hand. This tactic can be distressing when the other partner does wish to discuss an area of conflict, and the lack of communication might often cause extreme anger and frustration.

Stonewalling occurs on a continuum, and it can range from refusing to discuss a problem for a brief period of time to completely withdrawing for months. The stonewalling practice of leaving during a discussion differs from leaving a discussion for a brief period of time to calm down before returning: Such a cool-down period might be beneficial to a discussion, but in stonewalling, the point is not to continue talking later but to avoid doing so entirely.

Is Stonewalling Abuse?

Stonewalling is often born of frustration and fear, and when it is used alone, it may occur as the result of a desire to decrease tension in an emotionally overwhelming situation, or in an attempt to self-soothe. John Gottman, a marriage therapist who did extensive research on stonewalling in partnerships, found men often react to disagreements with more signs of physiological stress than women do, and thus, they have been shown to be more likely to stonewall than women, often in an attempt to remain neutral or avoid conflict.

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Stonewalling can also be a manipulative or controlling strategy. When stonewalling is deliberate, the partner who refuses to communicate is often drawing the situation out and preventing the other partner from seeking out other options to address the conflict or even end the relationship. People who are stonewalled by others may feel hopeless and experience a loss of control or self-esteem. Stonewalling is often a way to gain power over a partner while seemingly doing nothing, though it is often used in combination with threats and isolation.

The Effects of Stonewalling

Stonewalling can have disastrous effects on a relationship. Gottman, who reports that he can predict divorce with near-100% accuracy, calls stonewalling one of the “four horsemen” that indicate the likelihood of divorce. Because stonewalling inhibits a couple’s ability to resolve conflicts, it can cause petty disagreements to escalate out of control. When people experience stonewalling, they may react with desperation and say or do anything to get the stonewalling to stop. The extreme frustration that may be felt by the partner being stonewalled might also lead to a more serious conflict than the original issue may have warranted. Thus, it is not just stonewalling itself that causes problems, but also the reactions it can lead to.

Therapy for Stonewalling

In a partnership where one partner often resorts to stonewalling tactics, both partners may benefit from a revision of communication tactics. It may be helpful for both partners to understand why the stonewalling takes place, and a couples therapist may be able to assist with the exploration of this issue. Because a relationship where communication and cooperation are lacking is unlikely to be successful in the long term, couples therapy may help with the strengthening of communication in a partnership affected by stonewalling.

Stonewalling may be a defensive tactic learned in childhood, or it may be a result of difficulty expressing oneself emotionally. In either case, a therapist may be able to help with both examination and resolution of the issue, and in therapy, new tactics to express emotions and cope with conflict can be explored.

References:

  1. Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 20). The four horsemen: Stonewalling. Retrieved from http://www.gottmanblog.com/four-horsemen/2014/10/30/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling?rq=stonewalling
  2. Lisitsa, E. (2014, March 12). Self care: Stonewalling part ii (the research). Retrieved from http://www.gottmanblog.com/archives/2014/10/31/self-care-stonewalling-part-ii-the-research?rq=stonewalling
  3. Research FAQs. (n.d.). Frequently asked questions about Dr. Gottman’s research. Retrieved from http://www.gottman.com/49853/Research-FAQs.html
  4. Samsel, M. (n.d.).  Stonewalling in abuse. Retrieved from http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/stonewalling.html

Last Updated: 07-18-2018

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  • Laurel L

    February 4th, 2015 at 8:02 AM

    In North Atlanta and in search of a great therapist recommendation for dealing with Stonewalling .
    I call it 38 years of torture , not knowing that this particular behavior was a ” condition ” that can be treated . Now, having just found out , I am hoping for hope that my husband and I can live out our remaining years with some peace and understanding. He has consented to getting help .
    Any suggestions?
    Feeling continuously challenged and beaten !

    Reply

  • Kd

    July 17th, 2016 at 10:31 PM

    Thanks for this information. It’s very informative and explanatory as to how small things can become so large, and how intense frustration can lead to secondary issues. This is a huge issue in my marriage, the lack of power I feel from stonewalling will, like the article says, have me doing anything to stop the stonewalling, even when it means making the situation worse. It does feel like a lose lose, not to mention, like Mike D- feeling as if my feelings are not at all considered or empathized with. It’s highly distressful and does effect my self esteem.

    Reply

  • TMM

    August 3rd, 2017 at 8:12 PM

    Run away! I am glad to find out there’s a definition for this behavior. I labeled him as emotionally retarded. I have been in physically and mentally abusive relationships in my past but being in love with someone that’s emotionally abusive is the worst. You have to break free to heal and know that you can’t change anybody that doesn’t want to change. You’re throwing punches in the air. Walk away with what dignity you have left and do not look back! That’s what I have done and I am crying inside but he will never have the privilege to see my tears.

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