It Scares Me How Much I Turn to Fantasy to Escape. Help!

Relying on fantasy/daydreaming as escapism: I suffer from avoidant personality disorder as well as depression/low self-esteem, and over the past couple of years a way that I've dealt with it is to use fantasy. It started off with occasionally imagining myself as a different person and daydreaming about being in positive situations, but over the years the fantasies have become more detailed, with the person I imagine having a totally different name/life/etc. It's gotten to the point where I imagine these fantasies every single day, and have trouble sleeping if I'm not imagining myself as this other person. I'm fully aware that it's all fantasy, but the degree that I've come to rely on it scares me and I've never heard of anyone else with this kind of problem. I'm afraid to talk to a therapist about it because I'm afraid of what he or she would think of me. —Dreamer
Dear Dreamer,

I’m so impressed with you! First of all, in spite of your fear of being judged, you have taken the very courageous step of writing in with your question. Second, it sounds like the daydreaming and fantasizing have served as a very adaptive behavior—you have been able to get some relief from the depression and low self-esteem by escaping into your imagination. Unfortunately, it seems like this coping strategy has taken on a life its own and become somewhat of an impediment to your ability to function in your daily life.

In some ways, what you are describing isn’t completely dissimilar to how substance-abuse issues can develop—someone is in discomfort, seeks relief in alcohol or drugs in order to escape the discomfort, and ultimately comes to depend on the substance to an extent that it interferes with life. That said, one critical difference between what you are describing and substance abuse is that there is quite likely some real value in what you are using to escape. Most successful people begin their journey toward success by imagining it—they dream about their success and then they begin creating goals (and working toward them) that will move them toward their dream. I suspect that the life you have created in your imagination is closer to the life you desire than your actual, current life is. If my suspicion is accurate, then it makes sense to do what you can to start moving toward the life you have imagined for yourself.

Given your struggles with depression and self-esteem, you might be thinking: easier said than done! This is certainly true, but it does not mean that it is impossible to live a life closer to the one you imagine; it simply means that you need to get treatment to address the depression and self-esteem. Right now, these issues might be all that is keeping you from working on making your fantasy life a reality.

This brings me to your fear of disclosing your fantasy world to a therapist. First, there is no shame in the fantasy life that you have created; in fact, I believe it will ultimately serve as a road map to move you to the life you have been dreaming about. However, if you are still feeling anxious about sharing this world with a therapist, know that you don’t have to in a first, second or even third session. In fact, I would say if disclosing it is so anxiety provoking that it is preventing you from seeking treatment, do not disclose it until you are confident that you have a trusting, therapeutic relationship with a therapist. Sometimes when people disclose too much before a really strong working alliance is established, they feel exposed and vulnerable to an intolerable degree and they leave therapy prematurely.

You can avoid this by finding a therapist who you believe could be a good fit for you and setting up an initial session. You might even set up an initial session with a couple of different therapists and see who you feel most comfortable with. Once you believe you have a good match, work on building a strong therapeutic relationship and when you feel ready, open up about your fantasy life. As the depression and self-esteem issues begin to be addressed and you open up about your fantasies, you just might find that these very fantasies will become your road map and your therapist will serve as a supportive guide as you follow the map to your dreams.

All my best,
Sarah

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.
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  • SETH

    July 6th, 2013 at 4:34 AM

    All of us are given to living with some sort of fantasy in our lives.
    I think that when you cross the line into what is healthy versus what is harmful is when this fantasy begins disturbing and disrupting other parts of your life.
    That’s when I think that seeking the help of a trained professional could be good for you.
    I think that there are a lot of people living in a perpetual fantasy land but that is doing nothing to improve who they are and help them to really grow.
    All this does is perpetuate the need for that fantasy so that it takes over their lives even more completely.

    Reply

  • Breeanna

    July 7th, 2013 at 4:43 AM

    But if you are able to visualize that there could be something better, then there could be.
    You have to find a way to turn that fantasy into reality.

    Reply

  • Mason

    July 8th, 2013 at 3:58 AM

    I would like to know why living a fantasy is always or usually seen as being something bad. This is something that gives you a chance to escape a little from the day to drudgery that can be life. Why is that such a bad thing? This is something that feels pretty healthy to me. I am not iving a lie, just need a little down time to get away from it all and this provides me with that kind of outlet. So in some ways I definitely think that there could be worse ways to handle times like this.. I guess if it is getting in the way of other areas of your life then this might be a time to address those concerns. But if it isn’t doing any harm, then that’s that. It doesnth’ urt anyone.

    Reply
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