Why Am I So Bitter and Resentful of Other People’s Successes?
Dear Bitter Bill,
First, let me say that I admire your candor, your self-awareness, and your desire to work on this issue. I believe that all of these things will ultimately make you successful in addressing this issue and coming to a place of greater satisfaction in your life.
Jealousy is often a protective strategy fueled by more vulnerable feelings, such as worthlessness or feelings of inadequacy. No therapist can tell you exactly what the particular vulnerability is, but a skilled therapist can help guide you toward identifying and transforming whatever it might be in your case. Establishing a context for the origin of these feelings within the safety of a therapeutic relationship can help you to challenge the feelings and begin healing.
Healing the wounds of the past will likely foster a sense of confidence in your ability to make changes in your present life. For example, you specifically mention feeling jealous of colleagues. Are you satisfied and fulfilled by your work? My hunch is that you are not. If my hunch is correct, it makes sense to start thinking about what you want out of your work. Are you in the field you want to be in? Do you want to move up into a higher-level position? Do you want to explore options at a different company? Answering these questions and others that might arise may point you in a different direction professionally. It sounds like there is also significant dissatisfaction with your personal life. A similar assessment of what it is that you are seeking can be applied here, too.
As for Facebook, you are not alone in the experience you describe. In fact, a recent study indicates that the more young adults use Facebook, the more dissatisfied they become (Kross, Verduyn, Demiralp, Park, Lee, Lin, Shablack, Jonides, and Ybarra, 2013). It seems to me that people very often post the good stuff of life on Facebook. They share promotions, successes, home purchases, marriages, the births of children, and vacations. So, you can walk away feeling like everyone’s life is better than your own. But the truth is, no one’s life is perfect. Everyone has challenges, pain, and frustration—they just might not choose to share those things in a Facebook status.
Looking inward, healing old wounds, determining what you want, and creating a plan to get it can be very difficult work—I certainly don’t wish to imply that it is simple. Because it can be difficult, even painful, work that takes time, I do hope you will consider partnering with a therapist who can support you throughout the process. Collaborating with a therapist can also help you to explore ways to make yourself more comfortable as you seek to make changes in your life. You don’t have to wait until you accomplish your goals and dreams to be happy.
Reference:
Kross E, Verduyn P, Demiralp E, Park J, Lee DS, et al. (2013) Facebook Use Predicts Declines in Subjective Well-Being in Young Adults. PLoS ONE 8(8): e69841. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0069841
All the best,
Sarah
Sarah Noel
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Kris
November 3rd, 2013 at 4:39 AMI know that it’s hard to watch other people getting great things when you feel like life could be passing you by , but just know that there are great things out there waiting for you too when the time is right. But the time won’t be right and you won’t be open to receiving that if you continue to hang onto the beitterness and resentment that you are feeling right now. I hope that you can find a way to be happy for your friends when they experience good things in life because I know that you would want them to share that same happiness with you when it is your turn. And believe me that will happen but it sounds like for right now you have to discover a way to be happy now and in the moment or you won’t be able to enjoy those blessings when they finally do come around to you.
nicholas
November 4th, 2013 at 4:43 AMYou never know, there could be some people watching you and feeling the same way about your successes. They always say that the grass is always greener on the other side, but maybe this is the perfect time to take a step back and look at all of the things that you have that you should be thankful for and not the things that you perceive that you want.
Lena
November 4th, 2013 at 4:31 PMI don’t know how common it is to actually be bitter or resentful but I do know that it is common to think that someone else is getting ahead and you are working far harder than they are and wondering why this isn’t happening for you too. But it will! You just have to let go of some of the negativity because that is never going to get you ahead. I know that it’s hard, I have been there and I don’t at all wish to sound all preachy but I am telling you that feeling that way is never going to allow you to feel free. Let it go and I think that you will be amazed at how quickly you can start to see success in your own life.
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