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The Psychology of Trust Issues and Ways to Overcome Them

The Psychology of Trust Issues and Ways to Overcome Them

October 8, 2014 • By GoodTherapy.org Staff

Trust—the act of man posing with arms crossed placing confidence in someone or something other than yourself—is social superglue. It is the binding for the deepest love, the strongest friendships, and the world’s communities. Modern society is built on trust, and in the absence of trust, fear rules.

With this in mind, it is easy to understand how people with trust issues might have difficulty engaging in certain social contexts and leading the most fulfilling life they can. Some of the most common settings in which individuals display a lack of trust are in interpersonal relationships (romantic or otherwise), business dealings, politics, and even the use of technology. And with these different facets of life becoming increasingly interconnected, mistrust could conceivably spread from one part of a person’s life to another.

Where Do Trust Issues Come From?

Trust can take years to develop, but it can be destroyed in an instant. People who have issues with trust have often had significant negative experiences in the past with individuals or organizations they initially deemed trustworthy. For example, studies show that children of divorced parents and those from abusive households are more likely to have intimacy, commitment, and trust issues in future relationships.

While trust issues sometimes develop from negative interactions experienced during early childhood, social rejection during adolescence or traumatic experiences during adulthood can also lead to trust issues for an individual. Betrayal in the form of infidelity in romantic relationships can cause trust issues throughout a person’s life. Significant loss of financial resources or perceived injustice at the hands of authority figures can even cause strong feelings of mistrust toward institutions rather than people. The fragile state of the nation’s economy, for example, has resulted in many people losing trust in the banking system and government organizations.

In short, when a person’s trust is repeatedly violated, his or her belief system can be affected profoundly, causing future concerns with placing trust in people or organizations.

Trust Issues: Psychology and Common Beliefs

A person with trust issues may harbor negative beliefs about trust and may find themselves thinking limiting thoughts, such as:

“I can never let my guard down.”
“If I open up I will only get hurt again.”
“Everybody is out to get me.”

A person with these kinds of thoughts may construct social barriers as a defense mechanism to ensure that trust is not lost again. These barriers are often a person’s way of avoiding the pain, rejection, or guilt associated with mistrust.

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A belief system marred by violations of trust can significantly burden an individual both mentally and physically. Overwhelming anxiety and stress can easily become everyday companions, facilitating the gradual erosion of both mind and body. Thankfully though, these shackles need not remain forever.

How to Regain Your Trust

Before any issue can be resolved, you must first recognize that there is an issue. That honest admission will serve as the bedrock for all your endeavors to re-establish trust in others.

Many types of therapy will help people regain the ability to trust others, and, in fact, the therapeutic relationship itself provides an exercise in trust. With a thorough understanding of a person’s initial development and psychology, a qualified mental health professional can help an individual understand where his or her trust issues come from, and develop effective ways to foster trust in relationships, interactions, or institutions. During therapy sessions, sources of mistrust can be identified and properly addressed so that people are able to dispel or cope with future fears. Group therapy for trust issues can also be particularly effective as people undergoing treatment for similar mental health concerns can learn to build trust with the therapist and other members of the group.

Trust is vital for internal harmony and positive social functioning. The ability to effectively trust others helps people live happy, rich lives. As mentioned before, trust is the foundation of most healthy relationships, but sometimes that foundation is shaky because of events in the past. If you’re interested in working through past wounds that shook your trust or increasing your capacity to trust, consider seeking the help of a therapist, spiritual leader, or other qualified mental health professional to begin rebuilding that important foundation.

References:

Bierhoff, H. & Vornefeld, B. (2004).The social psychology of trust with applications in the internet. Analyse and Kritik, 26(1) pp. 48–62
Covey, S.M.R. (2008). The speed of trust. New York City: Simon & Schuster.
Lewis, M. (2013). Trust issues among children of divorce. Retrieved from http://www.drspeg.com/research/2013/divorcetrust.pdf
Schaick, K. & Stolberg, A. (2001). The impact of parental involvement and parental divorce on young adults’ intimate relationships. Journal of Divorce and Remarriage, 36(1-2), 99-121. doi:10.1300/J087v36n01_06

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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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84 comments
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Marcy
October 8th, 2014 at 3:29 PM
I have been hurt by so many people in my life and sometimes when I think back on it I think that a large part of this comes form placing too much faith in one person and then them not living up to the super high expectations that I have placed on them.

I know that much of this is not their fault. I would not feel so let down if I had the confidence to place all that trust in myself and not trying to leave it up to someone else. I am working on all of that but I want to be able to depend in others and not be so let down all the time, but maybe I can’t have that until I can fully find that in myself.

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carl
October 9th, 2014 at 10:59 AM
I hope you can find a true sense of self esteem and keep working on your ‘self’. I know what you mean being able to feel validated by another would be nice, but we all are individuals with our own stuff, knowing this is scary but sometimes knowing this is a start. Goodluck

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Chris
June 7th, 2019 at 3:57 PM
We are unfortunately living in a place where too many times we hope in selfish people, often they may not be deliberately trying to hurt you but in pursuit of there own basic need they become insular and therefore hurtful. my concern was your comment on having too high a standard for people to meet, that is like saying we should scrap gold because we can’t find an adequate touchstone to measure it’s value..no its the touchstone that is faulty not the gold. we often feel our standard is out of reach when in fact we are no longer the norm and we find ourselves in a world where only the brave few can asail the bar we set. But that’s not to say we won’t meet a record breaker So do not lower the bar because one day that record breaker will bring home the gold x

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graham
October 9th, 2014 at 10:50 AM
This is the classic example of how the things that happen in your life when you are younger can carry over and continue to hurt you when you are an adult. You may not even realize that this is where this pain comes from, but for most of us I think that this would be the clear beginning of that loss of trust and those feelings of pain and complications that come from that.

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Tessie
October 10th, 2014 at 12:23 PM
My sister had an affair with my boyfriend of 3 yrs at the time while I was in the hospital. Then 10 yrs later my next bf had an affair with my best friend all the while knowing what happened to me before. It threw me into a major depression both times. I almost commited suicide the first time. How does a person regain trust after that???

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Brandon
December 22nd, 2016 at 5:52 PM
Who would be most hurt if you were gone?

Your pain is totally valid. I don’t know how to gain trust after that — I really don’t… The burden is that those of us with trust issues who keep being hurt, need to trust again in order to fully live life… Can I ask you a question – How many people in your life have not perpetually screwed you over? Maybe you can think about people in your life you can trust. And just really look at a romantic partner’s behavior and how assuring they are of you, after you find time to open up. In your case, you’ve been especially wounded, so I recommend therapy, and extreme self gentleness. Do you pray? Go to a quiet place and pray to God or your Higher Powers about this. A response may come in the form of a gust of wind, a ray of sunshine, a strange and unfathomable response you receive through your emotions, something akin to a shudder – a voice…. If you experience your mind yakking away, I would ignore that if I were you! Or, you may get no answer… which is an answer… it’s the God’s saying: “In order to answer this, we need to show you something in your daily life, my child. We love you.” and then you would need to pay attention to and read the situations life presents to you. I really respect your story, and I’m deeply feeling for you. I’m sorry that people have hurt you so bad – that’s just terrible.

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Chris
June 7th, 2019 at 4:33 PM
You are obviously a spiritual person and I commend your faith, on the first general comment, “how do those who have been hurt trust again” My immediate response would be to say it’s about faith. Faith in {the wrongs}. exactly what is wrong? trusting? or failing to be trustworthy? if you go down the road of feeling in the wrong for trusting, how do you get back? However, if you believe in the good of human kindness then you must see that is who you are and your heart is so true and it trusted one that wasn’t, So we have to trust in our pure intent and except those we meet may not be the same, but that shouldn’t change the standards we set ourselves.

re- the second part, you say in effect, you need to be on the lookout for signs of affirmation from God, in a sense be open to the influences around you. I ask you to consider: why does God refer to himself as a father? was your father so vague in his council or his affirming his love? In most cases the answer would be no, my father was clear, I didn’t need to look for signs of unconditional love it was just obvious. If god was a “father” to all mankind wouldn’t he who is much more than a mortal man make his own love obvious? How then? if it is common knowledge that God knows our question before ever we ask, our heart before it even feels it, then surely it stands to reason he can put a thought in our head. prayer isn’t just for praise its a two-way conversation, my father would not expect me to do all the talking, why would the heavenly father. I in no way criticize your comments or your belief, just something to consider.
Kt
October 11th, 2014 at 4:57 PM
I’ve learned over the years, you get what you expect! If you expect bad in your relationships, you will get bad! If you expect good, that’s what you’ll receive. I think most times those most of us who trust issues struggle with negativity and lack the ability to be positive!

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k
October 16th, 2014 at 9:23 AM
This I do not believe. ..
A child that is raped or molested does not have any positive or negative perceptions of a person that does such an act especially if it is a stranger.
They do not expect or deserve any of that.

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Susan S
April 6th, 2017 at 2:13 PM
My husband and myself have been married 32 years, we both had our wild years and got through them!!! I feel like he is doing something now, but he won’t admit it!!! I would be crushed .
Az
November 30th, 2014 at 11:19 PM
I don’t agree with this either. very non sympathetic and easier said than done. It’s more complicated for others than just positive thinking.

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jill
November 3rd, 2016 at 6:24 AM
Indeed
sb
March 17th, 2017 at 4:44 AM
WOW! whole heartedly disagree. that’s laying blame and not helpful at all. When people are hurt it’s not because they were asking for it because they are negative. external situations happen in life that have a causal effect and effect a person’s inner world. Their expectations, their self-worth and feeling left with anger when a person violates their values. This statement implies guilt and suggests an individual should feel guilty and responsible for external factors that they had no control over.

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Chris
June 7th, 2019 at 4:50 PM
I’m sorry I try to be a positive person, and I have known my share of maltreatment, but what a lazy ignorant comment..just the very first few words “if you expect bad, you get bad” So please educate me on one aspect: where exactly does expecting bad start in a human life? maybe 1 out of a thousand are born expecting bad? or we learn to expect it as kids? teens? Adults? No human being deliberately expects a bad relationship..No we become protective of our hearts because bad has happened, thus we are more cautious and hence why this blog exists.

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allan
October 12th, 2014 at 12:38 PM
I’m 29 lost my parents at 19 6 months between then ..my dad taking his own life n me finding him leaving me with no family and eventually homeless with no family ..so issues from that have made it near impossible to fully trust in relationships I enter..always thinking I will be left alone again..been cheated in before which doesn’t help either…tryd therapy but didn’t do much…how do u tryst again?

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Michelle
January 20th, 2015 at 6:22 PM
I wish I knew n could tell you that we can grow to trust others again. I’m sorry for all your loss n pain. I gave up on love a while back, cannot trust what ppl say, suspicious of their agenda as I’ve been used n abused all my 40 years. I’m a recovering addict, have C-PTSD, depression…finding life getting harder with age, ie socially backward now…suicidal thoughts most days, feel ungrateful n shameful for still bein alive, diagnosed with cancer just before my 40th bday last October. I hope there’s a way for us. I’m really struggling to find hope. I have much intellectual curiosity about trauma etc, yet lack the self-belief or -love to want to try.

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The GoodTherapy.org Team
January 20th, 2015 at 8:26 PM
Thank you for your comment, Michelle. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. We have more information about what to do in a crisis at https://www.goodtherapy.org/in-crisis.html

Warm regards,
The GoodTherapy.org Team
Josh
January 30th, 2015 at 5:34 PM
The best I can give u is to trust in Jesus. Search the scriptures. Start with Psalms 23 and Proverbs. I’ve been through so much and have even doubted at times. He is all I leant on, he got me through. I know a lot of people say stuff like this, but I’m dead honest.
Diane
April 23rd, 2015 at 4:33 PM
That’s the most ridiculous thing to tell someone who is suffering. Reading scriptures is obviously not going to help someone that holds no religious beliefs. Stick to medicine and science people.
Beth
January 23rd, 2016 at 2:38 AM
Please don’t feel like you have no value, We don’t know each other personally, so I couldn’t have an agenda. I really know how you feel, you have had so much go wrong in your life to the point it’s expected. I know if you follow through by going to the website you were given,you are going to find someone who understands, I know how your feelings inside, not being able to really know that someone is really listening makes us feel unloved, not wanted, and we give up. No, I am not a therapists, but I do know there aresome people that don’t want to listen to us, who think. she has finally gone off the deep end, there are a lot of self sinnered people walking the face of this earth, and some of them don’t want to be weighed down with a nother persons issues, but let something happen to them, and it’s a major catastrophic episode BUT DEEP IN MY HEART I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO WANT TO HELP US AND WHO REALLY CARE. BUT, THEY WANT FORCE US TO CHANGE OUR LIVES WE HAVE TO REALLY WANT IT, YOU ARE ALREADY TAKING THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP AND THAT IS REACHING OUT AND SHARING HOW YOU FEEL.
you need someone to listen and that needs to be a professional, who can help you by giving you the tools to get back on your feet, so nobody will ever be able to make you feel like you are feeling now You are valuable!!!!!!!! PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW YOU ARE DOING.
Naimah
March 22nd, 2017 at 6:43 AM
youtube.com/watch?v=hS0QJFplaw8
S
August 21st, 2018 at 5:23 PM
Hang in Michelle! Just the fact that your a human being is enough to forge onward. It can really stink the pain you have. I have a lot too. I try to find things I can do to feel good about…even if I move an ant out of
ways harm. Or visit someone who can’t get out..just saying xo
Marie
March 19th, 2017 at 7:36 AM
Wow, you have had your heart handed to you on a platter. Your parent dying is life…your father taking his own life was selfish but he must have been truly distraught. He made a choice to jump, so to speak and either did not think what his loss could do to you. You have hope or you wouldn’t be here asking “How?”. Take that hope and find someone that needs love as much or more than you do. Give what you need. That will build your bank…so to speak. Find a puppy, child, homeless person, shy person etc….reach out. Pray for guidance and peace. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts – I’m healing as well but not from the depths that you’ve been handed. Reach out and believe and I will be doing the same.

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Alix
October 24th, 2014 at 1:38 AM
My father didn’t want me, my mom and grandma raised me. I didn’t make friends very easily. This left me feeling that I am not good enough for anyone. I have a boyfriend and I do love him very much and I know deep down that he will not cheat on me. But I get jealous of every one he spends time with, even of our families. I get jealous when he chats with other women. I live in constant fear that he will meet someone better than me and leave me. He is such a good person but my issues is destroying our relationship. I tend not to trust men but “over trust” women. I understand where this comes from but my boyfriend doesn’t. He says I either trust him or don’t and that I can’t blame my past for how I am now.

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KT
January 1st, 2017 at 12:50 AM
Hey there,
I just wanted to put it out there that I completely resonate with what you said and I am curious to see how your relationship is now (as it has been two years) Have you had any success moving through those tough emotions?

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Sophia
January 30th, 2019 at 2:58 AM
Oh my…you just described my personal issue! Because of a terrible relationship with my father and elder brother, I subconsciously don’t trust men and over trust women. It affects not only my relationships but also work, I even stopped accepting job offers if my boss-to-be is a male, because I already know how uncomfortable I feel when reporting to a male boss and how it creates a weird hostile dynamic between us. Not to mention that I’m 31 and have been ruining all my relationships because I always suspect/expect the worst (a feeling which I can’t control because it is driven by my subconscious) and tend to break the relationship before I get betrayed/fooled/hurt. Then, a few months later I look back and realise how stupid I was and that no one wanted or planned to hurt/leave me…

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Jo
November 10th, 2014 at 1:55 AM
I’ve had trust issues which are now beginning to make relationships and friendships difficult. I was raped when I was 18 in Australia. My friend who I was travelling with at the time immediately met a boyfriend and wanted to stay put, leaving me to travel alone – this was when I was raped in a backpackers. I never told anyone until a few years ago (I am now 25). Since then I have been attracted to emotionally unavailable men who do not want to settle down and commit and find myself getting more hurt. I find it hard to let people get close to me and get to know the real me. The real me is really vulnerable, hurt and sad, but I don’t want anyone to see her. I’ve had boughts of depression each year since it happened and have been getting help. This year things have been looking up but I do not see myself ever being able to trust someone properly enough to be the real me.

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D.lu
April 11th, 2015 at 7:34 PM
Jo,

See a therapist and talk about all of this. You obviously recognize that you have trust issues, and you recognize that your past traumatic experience has affected you in a terrible way. Talking about this with a professional will allow you to open up those wounds, and let them heal the right way. It will allow you to learn how to trust and bond with another. It will teach you to let go of what happened in the past, and empower yourself.

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Michelle H.
February 23rd, 2015 at 11:18 AM
How would I gain trust in boyfriend if hes cheated twice in less than 1.5 years, then given me more if a reason to not trust him by deleting over 40 cell phone calls in less than a months time to a so called client, and always having an excuse why I cant see his cell phone bill. And he gets mad when I say I dont trust him. Any ideas???

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D.lu
April 11th, 2015 at 7:28 PM
Hi Michelle,

If he is going out of his way to HIDE something from you, then it is more than likely because he is doing something he shouldn’t be doing, right? If it has been just 1.5 years and he has already been unfaithful twice, there is absolutely no chance he will ever remain faithful. It is just a matter of time before he finds the next girl to cheat with. Also, honestly, if you even have to check his cell phone bill, then why are you with this guy? He might beg and cry to stay with you, but can you honestly ever see yourself marrying and having children with this guy? Do you see yourself taking care of your children while he is off doing God knows what? Michelle, staying with him only compromises YOU, your self worth, and not to mention your happiness. Why date someone like that, if the future he offers you is so damn shitty, and that is all he will ever offer you. Learn to love yourself MORE than you love this guy.

Time to move on.

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Constance
February 26th, 2015 at 9:58 PM
I am wondering if you have any suggestions as to types of therapy specifically suited to deal with trust issues? Or would therapy be more successful based on what the patient prefers?

I tried going to therapy but didn’t realize my underlying issue is a complete lack of trust–so I quit therapy, because I felt I couldn’t trust the therapist (her behavior gave me reasons not to).

I’ve lived like this for 30+ years and have developed excellent coping strategies to avoid trusting anyone and they feel perfectly logical, warranted and necessary. But at the same time I realize completely that they are the #1 obstacle to me living a fulfilling life. In fact I have zero support (no close friends, alienated from family, no relationship with coworkers) because I simply cannot trust anyone at all.

What’s the best approach in this situation, please?

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Diane
April 23rd, 2015 at 4:38 PM
My last therapist was an AA quack and instead of teaching me coping skills and rebuilding trust she would throw religious and AA rhetoric at me. I have since learned this person was unprofessional and unethical. However. my new psychologist is respecting my need to leave religion and AA out of my therapy. It’s working!

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Tania
June 11th, 2015 at 10:48 PM
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now and he’s older than me by 4 years. He doesn’t trust me at all ever since an incident happened where I was speaking to him on the phone and ignored him for a guy I was attracted to. Ever since this incident he’s been keeping a close eye on me and it’s caused me to lie to him constantly, I could say I’m going to the park but really I went to the mall, and things like that. I get distracted here and their and he’s hated the fact that I don’t listen to him. I also accidentally checked another guy out in front of him. I also don’t listen to his instructions he could ask me to do something his way and I go ahead and do it my way instead and he hates that. I don’t mean to do harm to him at all I do care for him and I want to gain his trust back and lately it’s feeling like it’s impossible. He talks about his ex constantly about how much she appreciated him and listened to him and respected him and I never talk about my ex like that with him. I’ve been trying so hard to change and listen and do things he’s asked me to do but it’s like no matter what he still talks about the past. It’s been so hard that if I miss one phone call he won’t talk to me for two days. What can I do here to gain his trust back. I wish I could go back through time so bad and erase those last two incidents. I never meant to hurt him so bad. Sometimes I feel like I’m still growing I don’t know much about serious relationships and this is my first. But I do know that this is someone I want to be with and I want to work hard to get through anything with him.

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Sam
June 28th, 2015 at 11:23 PM
Tania, I’m not a therapist or anything, I just am told a lot that I give good, straightforward advice. So I’ll cut to the chase.

You either need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him all of this or you need to break up with him. Possibly even both depending on how the conversation goes. Hopefully for you, since I can tell you do care about him, it won’t go poorly. This is just my opinion from what you’ve said on here so there are probably other factors going into this but I felt the need to say something. I, personally, have very low tolerance for any sort of ridiculous jealousy though, most of the stable couples I know don’t have any jealousy going on in their relationships and my happiest/healthiest ones never had this issue.

Just sit him down and calmly tell him you want his trust back and that you never meant to hurt him but now he’s hurting you with all of his comments about his ex. That you care about him a lot and are willing to work at this but he needs to realize that he doesn’t have anything to worry about because you’re choosing him. And it’s getting to the point where you feel as if you have to lie to him just so he won’t freak out (which is actually really really bad, you might want to look at a domestic abuse screening test – i like the one on the red flag campaign’s website). That he needs to work on it too.

To be honest, I’m more worried that you may possibly be in an unsafe situation, but like I said, I can only tell from what you’ve said. But to me, these are all big red flags and I’ve seen them before with a friend’s ex who eventually became abusive.

So please, please, please be careful and it really might not be worth dating him. It’s your first serious relationship and there will be others who may be better for you. So that’s my advice but I’m hoping for your sake that he’s just being petulant and not potentially abusive. Stay safe and good luck.

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Damien
August 18th, 2015 at 2:53 PM
I have recently seperated from my partner of 4 years due to my trust issues she is the best thing thats ever happened to me and we are both working together to try and make things work i never used to have trust issues until my last partners broke my heart by cheating and the woman i am speaking about was married in a very aggresive relationship and we got together while she was still with her husband my last partner i was with for 7 years and thought she was the 1 until 1 day she came home and sat me down and told me there was some1 else i was gutted and could not believe it i later found out she had been seeing this other person for over a year my partner b4 her i was with for 2 years 3 months b4 we split she found out she was pregnant only for me to find out it was sm1 elses !! My heart and soul is with the lady i have just split up with we have a 21 month old daughter and she is the most amazing little girl in the world as for the lady she is 1 in a million ive never met any1 like her nor have i ever felt like i do wen im around her she is the air i breath but i still feel like im just waiting for things to go wrong when she goes out with friends i cause arguments and accuse her of doing things with other men i try my best not to say anything but i cant stop and she has taken it for so long she cant cope and i am totally heartbroken that i have made her feel this way but the things that have happened and how we got together i find it hard to trust any1 she has told me she loves me and she wants to make things work and i want to aswel ide do anything to get my life bk with the woman i love i want to say ive never hit her or anything like that this is all in my head and i need help so please can any1 help me save my relationship its all i have and i want to do everything i can to fix it thank you

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Shay
August 27th, 2015 at 4:37 PM
Hey everyone. Let me start from the beginning…my first bf ever was my sophomore year in high school he was also my first intimate relationship. After about a year I find out he has been sleeping with my older sister (4 years older, he was my age) the whole relationship. I was in denial first but eventually I became attracted to someone else which gave me the courage to leave him. It’s now 9 years later and I have been with a guy who for 2.5 years now and just 3.5 months ago he finally confessed he cheated for in the beginning of our relationship (in the first 2 months of our relationship ) I have forgave him for it and have been trying to move on but I have been having super bad trust issues ever since. I had a feeling that he did cheat in the beginning but never had facts. I believe my trust issues originally come from that first guy and then recently returned since I found out I was cheated on again. I don’t know what to do..the guy I am with now has asked me to marry him and I accepted but we are still having huge arguments over me not trusting him. Will this feeling ever go away??? I don’t really know what to do anymore. Honestly, I know he isn’t cheating now…weven live together. ..he doesn’t hide his phone and he knows and saw how bad it hurt me before. Is it just me??? How can I learn to trust again??

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Kaileigh
September 17th, 2015 at 11:17 PM
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2+ years and recently found out that he had been talking to his ex, via email, text and calls last year, behind my back. We are happy with each other, but have issues. I found that out when I went home for a little bit, I went about it wrong and read his emails and found them. During that time we weren’t emotionally connecting like we should’ve and that’s why he did it. He said he just wanted to feel like he mattered to someone. Anyways, it’s been 5 months since I’ve found out and it’s still so hard to forget even though I forgive him. I always feel like he’s cheating and I constantly accuse him even though he’s been nothing, but open and honest with me. He’s changed so much and he knows what he did was wrong and how much it hurt me, but as much as I try, I can’t shake it sometimes. It’s killing me inside. I try so hard to not fixate and to not feel that way, but I can’t help it sometimes. He says that it’s getting to the point where I’m pushing him away and where he’s starting not to care and I don’t want that. I know that not letting go is what’s hurting our relationship. I really do, but what can I do? Would therapy help? He’s not ready to be without me and not ready to walk away and neither am I. I can’t keep doing this. Help!

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natasha
November 26th, 2015 at 3:50 AM
I feel the same way you do Kaileigh… and I think it will soon send me insane…my husband has never cheated on me physically but I believe someone can cheat on you emotionally too…by confiding in another of the opposite sex when you’re in a relationship of your own. sometimes I feel I love him way toou have and I suffocate him with it that he needs to just get away from me. I always have these doubts at the back if my mind that I am not beautiful enough or good enough for him to want to stay with me and I tend to voice those thoughts. Unfortunately it is ruining our relationship cause I just cannot be at peace not trusting him 100%.
I cannot give any advice but would really love to get help too…I don’t want to lose my husband.

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Lisa
January 11th, 2016 at 10:55 AM
I think I know how both of you ladies feel! Although I don’t have a husband that has been emotionally unfaithful, I do have major trust issues from my past and from issues to do with mine & my husbands relationship (read my post from yesterday!) And even though there has not been infidelity in my marriage, it doesn’t stop me from thinking it could happen! Because it has happened to me in the past.
I have never, in over 14years, been able to trust my husband when he is partying and I’m not there to ‘watch over him’!! Lame, I know! I’m the first to admit that!!
I do think the only way to work on this is by admitting your problem and seeking therapy. I have been to therapy in the past & it’s something I will seek out in the very near future again! Getting some outside support, I think, is necessary and involving your husband isn’t a bad idea either, if he’s up for it. The other and actually more important idea would be to trust in the Lord’s will for your life. By turning to the bible and other Christ followers for support, I believe tremendous growth can endure. Good luck ladies! May the Lord bless you with the freedom of full trust!
ericka
November 8th, 2015 at 2:40 PM
I don’t know what love is

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Celeste
December 5th, 2015 at 6:55 AM
I have just recently decided not to trust anyone any more. I have had that many friends lie, use or forget to invite me to events I just can’t go there anymore. I have never really trusted anyone in my family because it was a large one where you were fed and clothed but no love or protection was really given and the bully’s of the family were allows to do what they liked. My parents literally only had eyes for each other and those children that made them look good. I recently found out my mother corraberted a lie my sister, her favourite, to keep her happy, with my other siblings. She didn’t think I would find out. My father either shoots the messenger if you try to stick up for yourself or totally supports my mother without question. I’ve cut them off and have very little contact because I feel like such a fool thinking that telling the truth and trying to do,the right thing including trying to find a middle path would work. I suddenly realised I was the only one trying. I’ve been to therapy, I’ve tried to undo and learn new ideas and behaviours etc. But so much damage has been done that I have given up trusting anyone anymore. I would much rather be on my own and limiting contact with others than trust again. I don’t know how to do it and I don’t know how to get through it so it’s better this way.

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Sara
December 18th, 2015 at 10:13 AM
I am so frustrated with trust issues right now. I don’t know how to help my boyfriend get over them. He claims they have come from an ex that he had been with for two years. He said she used him, lied to him, and things got violent at times. I literally went through the same experience from someone else but I have no trust issues whatsoever. I don’t honestly believe he would hurt me and it makes me upset that he thinks I would hurt him. I don’t know how to keep having a relationship when there is no trust coming from one side.

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Monica
January 7th, 2016 at 5:37 PM
I was in a really bad relationship for over 4 years, I was cheated (with friends and family member), verbally abused, used and lied to; as a result I can’t trust anyone. I don’t have a single friend not even when trying so hard. I’m in a new relationship with someone I really like but as much as I tried to be open and communicate I can’t seem to avoid having problems because I don’t trust him. He lied to me before and that burst out my insecurities, checking his phone and even asking him not to talk to any other girl because that’s the only way I feel in peace. I understand is not healthy and I would like to fix this issue. What is the best option for me?

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Lisa
January 10th, 2016 at 9:47 AM
I grew up with an alcoholic father that hid his addiction (or tried to!) and when confronted, either lied about drinking or would promise to change. It wasn’t until recently he actually admitted he had a problem and has started counselling. After a crazy binge episode where my sis & I had to call an ambulance for him – our mom was out of town! (I’m 34 & never knew life without a closet alcoholic dad!)

My only ‘real’ boyfriend in my teens cheated on me numerous times over a 3 year span. He would also break up with me then we would get back together – always at his convenience.

When I met my husband he was into very occasional cocaine use, which he knew I was not ok with, and slowly stopped using (maybe 5 times in an 11year span) It has now been 3.5years since he’s last used.
We have been together for 14.5 years, married 10.5 of those years and have 3 cutie children. My husband really is a family man, wonderful husband & father. But I do have a very hard time trusting him. My gut aches and full on anxiety kicks in at the thought of him being out in a party scene with out me. He has given me a couple reasons not to trust him but nothing infidelity wise and over 3 years since his last cocaine use. Things like, not being home on time for an appointment, smoking cigarettes at work when he has said he wasn’t going to smoke anymore or ‘one’ drink turning into an all nighter. He has a conscience and has always come clean with me when he’s made mistakes. My problem is I wish I could be cool with him saying he’s going out for a few drinks with friends, but I’m not…ever!! I can never sleep when he’s out drinking and have full on anxiety attacks when he doesn’t come home at a reasonable hour! My mind always sways between he’s using cocaine, cheating on me or just his well being. Help!!!

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Beth
January 23rd, 2016 at 1:25 AM
Hello, I have read what you all have written, and I’m alone like a lot of you are, my story is your story, I thought nobody could ever understand or know how I feel. I have never been in this place where I am now. I know I am the only one that can pick myself up and try to make sense of how I got here, and I know that I have to put my pride in check, and ask for help. I don’t drink, or do drugs, but yet I still beat myself up, and blame myself for everything, and I worry about every thing. I realize by reading what some of you have written , that we are all here because we have lost trust and emotions by physical and/ or emotional abuse, and yes I have experienced all of it, but knowing that I’m not alone and others have these same feelings,made me realize tonight that what I’m feeling is real,and each and everyone of you are hurting deeply. like me.So I want you to know that what I’m writing comes from my heart, if someone walked up to me right now and said I can give you three wishes right now, any wish for anything. wealth, a long life etc, etc. MY first wish would be that each and every one of you would be whole again, because I know how you all feel, because I feel some of those same feelings, my second wish would be that I could go back to the day I was put in the orphanage, where everything began, the fear,not feeling wanted, not feeling loved,that feeling of being lost and helpless,and then I would ask for my last wish which would be that my life would be filled with nothing but positive loving nurturing people.and I would always be full of joy and happiness with no problems! But since we all know that’s impossible to have that happen, All I’m wanting now is to learn how I can have all those things and more, to be the person I was born to be, and live the life I was given. I know this isn’t the way living is suppose to be. I need somebody’s guidance who can give me as well as all of you the tools if you will to understand that we all have lost our way, and we have to face the past, not live in it, to be able to be mentally and physically well, then we all can be better friends, mothers girlfriends, wives, but we can’t be better to anyone, until we learn to like and love ourselves and find our true selves. I feel these things deep in my heart, I just don’t know how to make it happen, DON’T GIVE UP, WE ALL STILL HAVE A CHANCE TO LIVE, LAUGH. AND LOVE AGAIN. I AM READY TO ADMITT I NEED HELP AND HOPE ONE DAY WE WILL BE ABLE TO SHARE ON THIS BLOG WITH SOMEONE ELSE THAT WE MADE IT AND THEY CAN TOO. ALL OF YOUR STORIES TOUCHED MY HEART, AND I HOPE MINE HAS TOUCHED YOURS AS WELL.

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Beth
January 23rd, 2016 at 3:30 AM
Joe this is for you as well as everyone else. I didn’t write this, I found it on the internet, but I read this every day I try so hard to feed myself good things, so I can try and think positive.Your FRIENDS ARE YOUR GUIDES IN YOUR LIFE, AS WELL AS THE PEOPLE WHO DEFINE WHO YOU ARE. IN SOME WAYS THEY ARE FAMILY SO WHO YOU CHOOSE TO SHARE IMPORTANT PARTS OF YOUR LIFE MATTERS. CHOOSE A FRIEND WHO IS HONEST. I HAVE REALIZED IF I’M NOT MENTALLY HEALTHY, HOW COULD I POSSIBLY MAKE THE RIGHT CHOICE IN CHOOSING A FRIEND , OR A PARTNER, I COULD CHOOSE SOMEONE THAT HAS ISSUES THEMSELVES. BUT HAVING A PROFFESIONAL GIVE ME THE TOOLS I NEED TO HELP ME KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR BEFORE LEAPING,WILL HELP ME CHOOSE AND BE SURE THAT I HAVE HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, THEN WHEN PROBLEMS DO HAPPPEN I WILL KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM, THE RIGHT WAY, WITHOUT PUSHING PEOPLE AWAY.I AM NOT A PROFFESIONAL, BUT I HAVE BEEN RESEARCHING A LOT!

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Carrie
March 14th, 2016 at 4:52 PM
It is nice (but also very saddening) to see all of the comments here from people just like me. I am recently out of a 2.5 year relationship with a man that I never trusted. The days leading up to the ‘final show’ were horrendous and the night before he left, I left him for several hours (drinking). I didn’t cheat, just wanted him to feel alone like me. He was begging me to come home to him but when I did things were just the same. Argue and fight over the mis-trust issues only to end up with him leaving the next day. I haven’t seen or heard from him since that day (three months today) but I did find out that he actually took the greyhound to be with a woman only days after the split. they were already ‘in love’ and have now gotten married – so I know that he was lying to me the whole time while trying to make me out to be crazy. We had been arguing about my concerns of ‘infidelity’ for months, these arguments eventually turned physical – he would get irate when I would question him. I have been through many of the same things that are written here in my life (at a young age) alcoholic father who would hurt my mother, molestation from friends of my family and/or family members, an alcoholic/abusive husband by the time I was 17….only to be divorced by 18. Into a 25 year relationship with a crack addict (my beautiful daughter’s father)….to doing crack myself and losing everything. I like to tell myself that think that I believe I am a smart, beautiful woman….but I know that is just another lie that I tell myself. When I have tried to go to counseling to work on myself; really trying to get to the bottom of the reason for the way I have allowed my life to turn out – all the counselors want to say is get addiction counseling. The reason that I drink every day now is that I want to numb all that has happened to me; I really want help and can’t seem to find it. I am always researching and came across this site today. I just want to live a normal life…I am 44 years old and feel like I am stunted. I know there is a way for me to be happy and trusting again but I just don’t know how to get out of my own way. Thanks for letting me share and if anyone has found or has a suggestion for counseling that is not strictly ‘addiction’ counseling, please reply or comment. We all deserve a wonderful life full of trusted family and friends! I hope you all find what you need too.

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Suzanne
April 3rd, 2016 at 3:42 PM
I can’t believe what I’m reading about everyone that’s going threw the very similar situation as I am. I was married for 18 years this June with a man I truly love. But the worst off it all I was being manipulated, and controlled all these years. And being put down during my childhood, by my family. I had 2 kids one has already left home a year ago cause of all the fighting me my husband was having, after convincing me and my kids he was having affair with a teen which was not true. That is where I lost my trust in him, he would denie so much and then admitting it to many times. It got us into domestic violence and lost our other child for a month or 2. After everything start working out. It quickly got turned again he always had to be right no matter if I had proof or not. While that was happening I start noticing difference in his personality he had to have everything his way. No communication always silence when we had issue about each other or our last child. So I end up suciding myself I end up in hospital for 4-5 days with no calls or visit from him. When I got home we end up arguing again. So I left with my kid. Next day he was gone, and got hold of our child a week after this have happened 3 month ago, and I have put full faith in him and myself that it would work out slowly so I tried myself to communicate with him but no way. So I did give him his space, and now he is trying to put a peace bond on me away from him and my child. Even though I’m not doing a thing to him or our child. I am struggling so much I don’t know what to do. Cause I can not trust or believe anyone anymore.

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Nony
May 15th, 2016 at 10:13 AM
Just because I’m paranoid doesn’t mean they’re NOT out to get me. Never again. ..

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Zuzanna
July 4th, 2016 at 3:10 AM
My best friend too my bf away from me

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Zuzanna
July 4th, 2016 at 3:08 AM
I was always trust with all my friends and I believe then till my best friend that I was close to her for years but then she took advantage of issues that we had and took him away from me he left me for her and they made roumers abut me but also she took my friends away from me but worse part was I cryed my self to sleep every nigh for month and my sister saw what was happening and she kept saying to me friendships Doest exit but I didn’t believe her and I believe my best friend like Idot
Then I started collge and met new friend but my old best friend went same collge we had figh and lot of issues year went and we sorted out our issues but after that I didt like same cheerful person it was like all happens evaporated from me
Year went and my new were there for me but I had a strong friendship with April and she was all way there for me and I trusted her and I felt like I could tell her everything abut my best friend and what she did .
Months went by and out friends was getting stronger thogh thick and thin
Another year went pass and we were finishing our second year in collge
And our friendship was still strong and tho be honest she was a first person I trust in long long time till not so long a go
I was talking to my old friends sand she revealed that April was with her boyfriend 8 years even when we started collge
But then they broke up they I fell on foot with tears running down my face i felt like the trust that we built shattered in one second other truth.
I asked abut and she said all she it was true and she sorry and she told me that she tell me everything abut their realationship but I wasn’t interested since they I could trust her because she had lies written all over her face and when she looks at me she see a trustful best friend that she can tell any think but in realty it empty vessel were trust used to be.

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dawna
July 6th, 2016 at 5:17 PM
i am only just realising now that i have got trust issues and each time i think i like somebody to start a relashionship with i ruin it by asking too many questions and accusing them od being dishnest with me,
im now putting this down to my childhood my own mother lied to me until i was 12 i was told my stepfather was my real dad, but when i was 12 i got told i had a real dad, i tryed to find him, and when i finaly did track him down he had died a few weeks before so i never got to meet him, how do u trust anybody when u cant even trust your own mother to be truthful with u ?

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Murray
July 19th, 2016 at 5:01 PM
I am almost 32 years old, have been through three major relationship cataclysms with each one taking more of my soul than they left with me. The last one was always going to be the last one in my mind before I ever met this woman, and I explained all of that to her before anything even looked like happening between us. In fact I was extremely reluctant at that point but over the course of six months she slowly broke me down and I fell in love with her. Within the day she had let another man into her house and her life and I was out and alone. It has been a year since this occurred and despite my best efforts the apparent threats plaguing every facet of my life are only getting worse. I see a lot of comments here saying that one must love and trust themselves before expecting it of others and that is most certainly true, however I actually hold myself in very high esteem… I make it a central point of my life to be the most compassionate, loving and understanding person I can possibly be and I’m proud of my achievements there. But I never see that in anyone but myself and the alienation created from trying incessantly to be this good person has caused me to withdraw from essentially any and all social interaction, and I only speak to those it’s impossible to avoid for the most part. I don’t understand how striving to be a better person can destroy ones life, but it has happened nonetheless. I can’t lower myself from this because the result would be shame and hatred of myself for turning myself into the very things that I hate, and have hurt me in the past, but continuing on this path it seems can only lead to further alienation. It has been at the point where suicide looks like the only option, alternating to fearful visions of murder in order not to take it out on myself… In short I have no idea where to turn, so I’ll just leave this here and see what happens…

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Shaun
August 12th, 2016 at 10:41 AM
I found this to be helpful, but I wouldn’t recommend anyone seeking the advice of a spiritual leader for anything other than concerns involving superstition.

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Empath
September 23rd, 2016 at 7:09 PM
I already had trust issues, but recently was betrayed by a family member, so now I feel like I am back to square one. I don’t know how to trust people without getting burned, and I know it keeps me from enjoying relationships because I always feel that I must be vigilant and not tell people too much. The person who has betrayed me has twisted things that I said years ago and lied. And this same behavior has been with people who are supposedly Christian.

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Zeth L
September 28th, 2016 at 1:46 AM
can i fully trust a friend..?

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fif 17
October 27th, 2016 at 2:53 AM
Lovely page, Stick to the very good job. With thanks!.

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Ills
October 28th, 2016 at 9:08 PM
I’m cutting straight to to chase. Basically I have a boyfriend and he’s had trust issues with me ever since a little incident. We exchanged passwords with eachother for particular social medias and I found something that he sent his ex and I brought it up. Ever since then he’s lost trust with me, not willing to talk to me, little things like not sending love hearts not saying I love you as much and he keeps saying to me that “trust is like a piece of paper you can scrunch it up and when you straighten it out it can never be perfect again” but I don’t know what to do I love him and I don’t want to loose him. I need a way to overcome this because it can cost our relationship.

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JAS
January 22nd, 2017 at 8:01 AM
At age two my mother broke one leg, and the sister broke the other right after. I don’t ever remember any female doing anything for me, ever. My mouth is slightly different than most, it isn’t deformed or anything, so females make the same faces at me wherever I go due to their own insecurities…..41 years worth of torture. I’ve been approached once in my life by a female, and was scared to death. Last night at a bar with live music, many were interested in me it seems, I’m considered cute, but I’m utterly crippled, and when a woman’s intuition fires when they detect something, they never are cool enough to go against it. One sat near me at a table so we were the only two, she was like, it, but again, I have nothing. I’ve never had a girlfriend, or a friend that is female, again, not a one has ever done anything positive for me….I’m what you call up shit creek. Men I tend to overly trust……females I trust not in the slightest bit for anything. I can’t trust females to even be in my presence.

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Myself
March 5th, 2017 at 12:14 AM
Hello, right now I am having friendship issues. Umm.. a few months ago, my friend, lets call her K had a dream about my friend, J. Friend K told my other friend, friend A about the dream. You see, friend J is like the “role model” in our class, our class president, im vice president. When friend j is choses as a group leader, most of the time she speaks with a really cold voice, a scary voice, most of the time but not every time but she doesnt really talk like that when talking only to us, her friends.Okay, so friend K told friend A. Friend K said that in her dream, friend j was speaking with a cold voice. I dont really remember cuz it was a few months ago but i think friend k said that in the dream friend j said “its all your fault”… ? I dont rwally remember but something about those lines. At that time, there are a few times in class or when3ver we pass friend j, friend j wouldnt talk to us or look a horrible look, like a glare but only sometimes, mostly she smiles. So, after friend k told fri3nd a. Friend A suggested that(here comes the worst part) to confirm the dream, they should give fri3nd j the cold shoulder. I honestly dont know why she thought of that. Me friend J and friend a have been friends for 9 whole years and thats more than half of our lives! So, they did it. Their plan was to do it for one day but, because of some messups it became a week and turned into a month! After that month friend A told friend J what they were doing. After that, friend J hasnt really been talking to them bu4 she is still talking to me. My friends want to talk to friend J and say their sorry but, friend j keeps giving them horrible an mean comebacks. Im also affected because the smile she gives me looks so fake and plastic it makes me feel hprrible to the point wherein i could cry. I really want to resolve this problem, what shpuld i do if she doesnt even wanna talk?

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Michael
July 24th, 2017 at 7:01 AM
I have a much different perspective. The Bible itself tells you to be aware of people because they are not always who they appear to be. The devil is real and he corrupts individuals on a regular basis so asking a person to simply trust someone is basically leaving yourself open to manipulation. When it come to trusting a person I think it’s something an individual has to earn. Only so much trust can be given to a person, Why should it not matter to you how another person can alter your life or your perception of reality once you’ve given up yourself and possibly all of the things you’ve earned which give you your self-esteem and confidence. Not everyone has the ability to rebound from such devastating losses, so I think “Trust” can be a double edge sword used for the purpose of manipulation and can also cause a person to be relatively naive. Power tools have a purpose as well and they’re good for something, but they also come with a warning label as well and you use it at your own risk.

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Nicegirl
September 15th, 2017 at 6:30 AM
I don’t trust people because i feel like they are just looking for something to gossip about or will just tell the person trying to start a fight and just recently I lost a friend because of trust issues

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jay
September 26th, 2017 at 9:01 AM
i have trust issues and i believe they started from childhood. I have been hurt by my 1st boyfriend who dumped me for my cousin. My second boyfriend impregnated someone else. My varsity bf, well i had to find out that he was getting married to someone else. My baby father, who i was engaged to had 3 other babies with 2 different mothers, he also impregnated someone else whilst engaged to me. My heart can no longer trust nor love, i have been rejected people that meant well and hurting others by taking their emotions high and leave them hanging. i developed erratic behaviors, my career life is blossoming but when coming to matters of the heart, i do not know how to love not trust. I tried church but have been hurt in in church when i trusted a pastor and he started hitting on me………. i have come to admit that, it is not about learning to trust but learning to accept that we will get hurt or even hurt others. This is how life is and we cannot change anything about that. The thing is, all of us here will learn how to trust but we will get hurt again, it is inevitable. We should just learn to accept that getting hurt is inevitable. It will happen, one way or another.

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Scott
November 3rd, 2017 at 6:07 AM
I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years. Throughout our relationship we have had ups and downs usually connected with my lack of trust. We recently seperated and I moved about 200 miles away with the intention of trying to keep a long distance relationship going. Prior to leaving we both knew we still loved each other, but knew we couldn’t keep on arguing. We’ve tried to maintain contact via Skype, but, that tends to end in debates about things posted on Facebook etc. Since leaving my partner has applied to be a model, bought a load of new sexy clothes and nightwear, asked to put away the few items of clothing away of mine that I left in the wardrobe and regularly cancelled Skype chats because she was too tired. To more ‘sane’ people perhaps this might not be a big deal, but in my mind it feels like she is moving on. I’m due to go back and see her in three weeks – I can’t wait, but I am also extremely nervous about how things will go and finding it so hard to keep rational through the time away. There’s a lot more to it all that that, but you can get the picture. Trust is hard and this is the most I’ve ever tried to hold onto something. I’ve just finished a years worth of therapy, I’m living with my sick brother and elderly Dad, have no job, no income. I’m getting and feeling old, have a pain in my stomach and generally feel like beep.

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E
January 18th, 2018 at 10:33 AM
I had a childhood with some abuse – by females. Not talking about every day but often enough. Most were family members and my mother hit me a few times, out of anger. She apologised but it never erased the scar that it left. I already felt emotionally abandoned and neglected. If I was sick I was yelled at for being a burden and/or because of my mother’s insecurities. She linked her entire identity to me and my brother, growing up. We validated her existence. Then at 8 I was molested by a female doctor. In my teens I was groped by a woman. It was “funny”. I was told it wasn’t a big deal. If I were a female, and the attackers a male, then they’d be in jail today. But if your attacker is a female, there’s no justice for you. That is where my trust issues come from.
I find myself in a weird situation. I am not attracted to men but am not able to trust women in relationships. I trust males completely and have many male friends as well as female friends. However, I want a girlfriend/wife and like most liberal “snowflakes” find it infuriating and wrong to not give women complete trust and equality but still don’t trust women enough to make a move in the dating world. As far as female doctors are concerned – no. Not happening. But I know that the first step in breaking this prison I’ve built around myself, that makes me miserable, is opening my heart and taking the risk of molestation and sexual abuse again. I have gotten to be good at communicating this with female healthcare providers at least. That is one of my tactics in dealing with it. I tell them that I have an abusive past and tell them my boundaries (which includes no touching me and having a male chaperone or trusted nurse present during any examination. No intimate exams ever for any reason, though, by women. All clothes must stay on.) I find that females are not keen on these rules, some citing that it’s too difficult to adhere to these rules while staying within their time frame and that it’s easier to get a readily available male doctor. A large number still take it as being sexist, which I guess it is in some ways.
The tactic that I also use in extreme cases is I go in and expect to be molested/sexually abused. I may even tell the female that she can just get it over with, that when if she doesn’t, I can leave in 4 minutes and be pleasantly surprised.
Now, usually when/if I explain that I expect her to be mean and abuse me, she will find someone else. I’m guessing that legally unattractive to treat a patient who expects you to molest them and equally as disheartening to treat a patient who refuses your kind, personable care and doesn’t trust your professional judgement either – especially if you’re nurse or an assistant who is more or less expected to spend upwards of 30 minutes with patients and build a more personable relationship.
As for girlfriends, I guess I’m OK without one. I often miss having one but then I don’t miss the fact that I would always think she is going to leave me for someone else or hurt me.
I wish I knew how to break this negative thought pattern aside from telling myself that my current situation is great. Even therapy hasn’t helped. Mostly because the therapist basically said, “It’s OK to be honest and set boundaries but you have to hit the ‘reset’ button and give women a chance again. They’re not all your mother or aunts. Most female doctors aren’t like that and don’t want to be put into that category. Just try it once and it gets easier with every subsequent time.”
I’m good at taking risks. But this is a huge one. Five minutes will could undo everything I’ve worked so hard to undo.

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pj
June 4th, 2018 at 10:41 AM
I don’t know if I have trust issue. I have never dated anyone. My childhood, adult life , studies are all smooth. Some days back, my friend asked me on a date. Like all other time, i rejected him without any reasons. We discussed why we can’t go on date. Then, he thinks that i do have trust issue. Can some one have trust issue without any traumatic condition or failure or rejection??????????

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AR
July 25th, 2018 at 3:13 AM
you can have trust issue but remember its from the past. learn to live today and judge people with youre experience with them today else your are locked in the past

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Shir
July 31st, 2018 at 12:29 AM
It feels too bad to see a person you once trusted blindly in a totally different light. Someone who betrayed you and is no longer worthy of the confidence once given to them, but perhaps not everyone will deceive you.

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Cookie
August 6th, 2018 at 4:04 PM
I find it interesting that so many comments are about people IN relationships. I can’t help but feel a bit sad because my lack of trust in others (with accompanying shame) is so debilitating, I don’t have any close friends and I’ve long given up trying to date. All of my relationships are superficial and any close/romantic ones give me immense levels of anxiety and doubt, to the point I avoid them or bail early on.
I think it’s a combination of the family I grew up in, and the environments I found myself in afterwards–the people there simply weren’t trustworthy. I wonder if I had been trusting and compassionate, instead of vigilant and doubtful, it might have bore more fruitful relationships. Now, I’m in a better place with better people, but the trust issues persist.
Like others with trust issues here, I used to believe, “Well, they weren’t trustworthy, so why should I put myself in the line of fire?” or, “See? I trusted people, and they just hurt me. Therefore, it is wiser to be less trusting henceforth.”
I think we can’t see the times we undermined trust-building in relationships, which is what can cause someone to act in ways that break our trust. I’m not saying it’s completely our fault; rather, mistrust breeds mistrust and it tends to have a snowball effect. It is never one-sided and I think we need to be honest about the ways we could be hampering our chances at happiness and successful relationships.
Recently, I’ve had a falling-out with what felt like the first friend I had. I’ve been having a difficult and emotional time recently and he’s not very responsive and doesn’t acknowledge it, so I’ve talked with him a few times about how this hurts me and why. He did make some effort the first couple of times, when I was having a bad day, to at least ask if I was okay instead of just sort of avoiding me. Except I can get very withdrawn and experience a freeze response in those situations due to past trauma, so I was not responsive and he went back to what he usually does, i.e. not touching the issue, which made me more upset, and less responsive/angry, which made him upset and less responsive, and so on.
I was so busy being hurt I couldn’t see there are all kinds of things I have done to erode the relationship and any closeness/trust we had. I always dismissed his compliments, I was unresponsive when he tried to connect while I was upset, I don’t accept his help–among other things that demonstrate I don’t trust him.
What we with trust issues need to realize is by not trusting people, we are in often subtle ways rejecting them and not treating them with compassion and connection. It eats away at the foundation of relationships and we must recognize our own hand in it. Sure, he hurt me–but I also hurt him. Nobody is winning. Much as we don’t want to put ourselves out there, we can’t live full lives until we do.

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Bill
February 6th, 2019 at 9:13 AM
IM looking for a little advice on starting a new relationship, that happens to have totally random problem but trust problem none the less. Been friends with a woman for 1.5 years since we met we have both been attracted to each other but due to outside issues never acted upon the attraction. This past month we started a relationship , she asked me out and everything was going fine. About 10 days into the relationship she began to bring me around her friends, we met with some friends for a quick dinner and made plans to go out the next weekend. the next week the restaurant we went to was very crowded and uncomfortable. Small tables and tall chairs. I mention this because I had just had Surgery a few weeks before and it was difficult to find a comfortable position to sit. I had already taken my medication for the pain only having Tylenol left to take, and did not have any more. The pain was unbearable and I ordered two mixed drinks. upon leaving the restaurant I was fine. we went to a bar to people watch and dance a little. after a few drinks it was time to leave My girl went to get her car, and when she came back one of her new female friends walked up to me and began kissing me. My girl was furious with me, the only problem is that I did not remember the advances at all. i’m not a heavy drinker, I had take pain pills and obviously to much to drink. I was not fall down drunk but I do not remember the kiss. My girl walked into the bar as her friend was kissing me or started kissing me. Basically we have talked about the Kiss, she has forgiven me but she cant put it past her right now. its has been over a month since it happened and i’ve done everything right to try to reassure her that this was not my normal behavior, I do not drink heavily and all my life i’ve never blacked out like this. it was obviously due to the medication and alcohol. She tells me she still likes me but cant have a relationship with someone she cant trust, She is worried about this happening again maybe when she is not around to find out about it. I understand her concerns, believe me I feel I ruined what would have been a beautiful relationship. we connect on so many levels and understand each other but now I fear all is lost. She has even told me that she see me going above and beyond to make sure she is happy, but she Is having problems getting past this.
I’m trying to let time pass to help heal and just keep being myself, but I fear I will be to pushy to keep the relationship, or what is left of it alive. I’ve spoken to friends of mine, more than 30 years and they all said that she should be a little understanding, and work with me on the. But its not her fault its mine. my girl did nothing wrong, I did. My judgment is clouded by my desires and feelings, I feel as if we should be able to work this out. I genuinely care about her and want to make it work. Is this to large to get past, am I expecting to much to soon. i don’t even know how to start other than to apologize and do better.

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MIchael S.
March 17th, 2019 at 7:15 PM
I am unable to trust, that is I expect betrayal, abandonment or pain from everyone. My ability to trust was shattered multiple times. I should have been able to trust teachers to guide and help me learn. Instead I received zero help and I struggled and I still struggle to learn. From there, my friends abandoned me or rather their parents told their children (my friends) they could no longer be friends with me because my parents divorced (1974). And I was told as much by my former friends and their superior parents – many of whom divorced themselves within 10 years of my parents divorce. The next level of trust was broken just by the divorce and all the hatred expressed by both parents. Because they both seemed to hate each other and I was too young to chose, I began to go numb and stop loving either one – and then everyone including myself. The next level of broken trust was I learned my dad was unreliable and really didn’t want anything to do with me while at the same time mom checked out with prince Valium and later with prince Xanax. Finally my dad destroyed my ability to trust by completely abandoning me. I haven’t received a card, letter, phone call or message from him since I was 9. During my entire grade, middle and high school I was basically friendless, shunned, bullied and ignored. Not one single teacher encouraged me or directed me or tried to help. No counselor even tried to help me understand the world – they were just checking boxes not helpful at all (Yes Mr. Thompson you specifically wouldn’t listen when I tried to get help). I have undergone 1000’s of hours of therapy to handle depression, anxiety and try and learn to trust again. But I have never had any luck developing a level of trust with a therapist to actually get anywhere. And three of the therapists actually abandoned me (one by suddenly closing practice another by changing clinics without telling me where they were going and one said I don’t see any progress so I can no longer try to treat you). I have taken more than 20 combinations of medicines – some worked a bit but had side effects that made continuing them impossible most of the medicines just made me more numb and killed my energy. My inability to trust others makes me push others away before they can hurt me – which means I have zero friends. I am often terrified by others. I anger easily. I lash out when people don’t listen. I truly hate being alive. I still have zero trust except that someday I will die and the pain will end. I am still numb and unable to feel anything other than pain and anger. I am not optimistic about anything. I go to sleep hoping to die and wake up disappointed to be alive. The link behind childhood trauma and the impact on adult personality is strong. I am one example in the extreme. After more than 30 years of getting nowhere with therapy and medicines. I am at a point were I have completely given up and accepted that I will always be miserable, friendless and alone. And with that acceptance I have found a bit of peace. I really hope that my deep depression, anxiety and other ailments will put me in an early grave. At least then the misery of my life will be over.

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Kim Z
April 24th, 2019 at 5:18 AM
What does it mean when someone draws you a diagram with three circles with both spouses in the middle circle?
and says: no one is getting in…not sure if this is meant to be a strong boundary of protection, is it okay or not okay?

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shiwshiw
November 27th, 2019 at 8:03 AM
i can’t believe i’m writing this haha cos i don’t even trust internet and web sites with my secrets..i’m 28y.o and i a month i will be 29y.o woman who never been in relationship before but no one know that even my family don’t believe it i only loved a guy in university for 4 years but he didn’t but at the end of the 4 years he started developping some feelings for me i back away cos i do that everytime i meet someone new.. after him i started thinking that i do need to have someone in my life cos everyone is annoying me how you are not dating you are single now how come your are attractive and beautiful but you are not dating so i started going out in blind dates of peoples i meets in tinder or facebook most of the time i always set a high stander of guy i want to date i want him hot sexy rich with good car and good job even i know deep inside i just want someone kind i never been this kind of girls who want someone to give me what im lack off i want to do and give myself everything even i found these guys i want and most of the time they likes me but i run away all the time after one date even if he don’t do anything wrong i do make a 100 reasons in my head to just stop contacting him again. i’m tired i want to love and be loved but i can’t, everytime i go on new date it’s like a i’m having a big challenge for myself even if it’s just a date, i starte imagined that he maybe he’s going to kiddnap me or rape me or something more dangerous i’m alaways scared of that so stopped dated guys from the country i live in i only date foreign people with different nationality who live here co si feel that’s more safe they can’t do anything for me they more open minded and cool but nothing works also. i think that i can’t trust peoples at all i only have two girls as my friends but i don’t trust them fully too, i really love them but can’t trust them completely even that i know them well and we are friends for almost 10 years i feel hopeless i think my childhood is the reason tho, i hate my dad( he’s died since i’m 16y.o) but i still hate him, he not a family man he only want to play around but he loved mom and get married and have 4 kids then he wanted to stop working because he don’t like that job at all actually in a small country with a lot of jobless peoples so stayed jobless for the rest of his life yeah even if he work for days he go away and spend he’s money in drinking and women we lived in very bad situation with my siblings and mom i’m the youngest we did straggle a lot a lot no matter how i discribed i can’t put it in words. we don’t have home or food and debts above all of that everytime someone knock the door i get scared till now, i and i nearly died at some point with anemia since i don’t eat well and i get sick and never have money for doctor they take at the last minute at the age of 6y.o doctors say i was close to die at that time, no one in my life know about these issues and i never talk about them even to my family once i hear mom tell my sister that i’m fighter i lived a hard childhood and i never have a father i cried that time and i feel sad all over again and above all of that he’s abusive he hit mom when he’s home and tell her words i was so scared of him and i never share any beautiful moment till he get sick and died. our pain stop since my big bother start working and make money. i forget and started a hopefull life with a lot of enegy and simles but i never know the hard past will hunt me this i’m close to 30.

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Wintersweet
August 20th, 2021 at 1:15 PM
I’m a trustworthy person, I have been loyal, honest, and transparent, but my ex (who has been gaslighting me) is now making me feel like I can’t be trusted, is this another gaslighting tactic?

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John
August 24th, 2021 at 1:17 AM
I just stopped trusting. People have approached me with a bag full of friendship professing true friendship and then just disappearing. Another friend just recently stopped all contact after smothering me with all sorts of kindness. As if they were two different people and I’m just seeing the side of them which cuts me off as if I never existed. So opposite of their regular behaviour. Was it all just an act? Others have just used me for things snd to take advantage of kindness but all under the guise of true friendship which later is exposed as false and fake. We are talking here about people who exhibit friendship for months and then just do a 360° and abandon me and stop all contact. My intention is pure. I am sincere in my friendship with these people but they seem to be bipolar when they show extreme friendship for months then suddenly without warning stop all communication. My only solution to protect myself is to withdraw completely and not trust anyone ever again as I always seem to be betrayed when I am showing sincere and genuine friendship. No wonder there is no peace in our world because there is no reason to trust each other. We are not a trustworthy people.

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MrWiggley
August 25th, 2021 at 4:13 AM
Every individual is exactly that, the advantage of not trusting is you cant get hurt because nobody ever gets close enough, the danger is those we can trust go by untested and we travel alone all our lives and miss out.

I have had to rebuild myself after being torn apart by selfish people yet I always throw away the the brush that tends to tar the next person.

You are worthy of love and if another fails or is unwilling to give.. that never means you don’t deserve it

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Michael
September 7th, 2021 at 4:59 PM
Hello to all. Ttuly wish that all is going well .
My comment is really complexed. I am hoping to hear helpful feedback that may help me out.
Here goes! My mother has been married 24 times. Yes its true! So being raised with that type of lifestyle from my mother and all the abuse sexually, mentally, pysically; that my siblings and I have endured ( I blocked it out and have no recollection fromthe age 8 yrs and younger) my brothers iinformed me of what we had gone through.
Anyway, Im 53band have been plauged with insecurities, low self esteem and trust issues.
Please someone help with how to not wreck my newest relationship.

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gas
October 19th, 2021 at 6:57 PM
Thank you so much for this article! This was exactly what I needed.

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Yeferson
November 16th, 2021 at 8:36 PM
I read all this so you can tell me to seek a therapist. I wanted exercises or something that i can actually count on so I dont feel so alone and lost and hurt

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louise
February 6th, 2022 at 6:04 PM
I know what you mean. I have a friend who can be unreliable.

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George
November 26th, 2022 at 5:42 AM
The kind of no trust I believe in is phone calls from strangers, e-mails, ads, etc. I always hang up on phone calls where I don’t know he person. I do the same with e-mails, delete them. I have been approached twice with latest scam, someone just purchased $1500.00 on your Amazon account, Of this is not you call this number. I hang up. Same with e.mail. It is very difficult to scam someone who refuses to talk with you. I repair my own cars, do my own plumbing and electrical repairs, and anything else that I am able to do. Unfortunately the world is filled with crooks who will steal all they can if you let them. The only people I trust are my wife and close family. Everyone else is a suspect. It is a cold cruel world and the most vulnerable people are the nice, sweet, and trusting; they are ones you read about getting scammed.

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Sara
March 30th, 2023 at 7:22 PM
I’ve been hurt so many times, back stabbed, manipulated and lonely. I feel like a lot of people are using me, and I don’t seem to trust anyone. I’ve been having mood swings for 2 years and I don’t know how to control myself. People mock me for being short, and I hear insults everyday. I don’t know what to do.

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Stanley
December 14th, 2023 at 7:07 PM
Abandonment by my father, being molested, raped and abused by all of the men in my mother’s life, has created no faith, trust or belief in men my entire life. As I work in therapy to learn how to trust in amounts, I needed to learn to trust my therapist first which has now opened the door to learn to trust men. Now I still have issues, but I can say that I have been able to connect with one man that has guided me in the direction that not all men are bad.

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Stan
December 15th, 2023 at 6:58 PM
My abandonment by my father when my mother got pregnant with me and my mother using alcohol to cope has allowed me to receive the message that I was not wanted. All of the men that were in my mother’s life were very abusive, physically, emotionally, and sexually to me. at 15 years old, my mother chose the man who was hurting me and put me in the street. This is when I locked up my forgiving and trusting heart while promising to Never trust or let anyone in. I kept that promise for 38 years while destroying everything that was ever good in my life with the belief that I will never deserve to be loved, needed, or wanted. I recently drank myself into a near death experience for the second time in two years. I struggle to have any faith, trust or belief in anyone with the exception of my therapist who did not judge me for my part in the sexual abuse that happened to me from age 12 to 15. I am finding it difficult to learn to trust in amounts rather than giving all of my trust or no trust at all. I am learning to trust women, however there is a possibility I may not be able to ever really trust a male. I struggle so horribly with intimacy and still live in fear of being hurt, abandoned and rejected that I even have a difficult time letting my wonderful daughter in. For me it is a minute to minute thing right now to practice living in the moment. However, I am giving myself the best version of me I can give every minute. It is not easy at all. Every male I have ever trusted until now has hurt me one way or another. But I am still working on ways to learn how to trust even the people that cannot be trusted.

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