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Don’t Touch Me: Understanding Your Sexual Aversion

Don’t Touch Me: Understanding Your Sexual Aversion

September 4, 2015 • Contributed by Mieke Rivka Sidorsky, LCSW-C

Side view photo of two partners, one in bed, one sitting apart from bed, looking distant Does the thought of sexual contact make you shudder? Do you tend to avoid or limit sexual activity? Do you find sexual touch or even romantic touch, such as hugging or kissing your partner, unappealing or even repulsive?

If this sounds like you or your partner, it may be a case of sexual aversion. Sexual aversion is your body’s heightened response to sexual anxiety. First, it’s helpful understand why you might be experiencing it. Then, you can explore how to begin resolving it.

Where Does My Sexual Aversion Come From?

Some individuals who experience sexual aversion may have experienced sexual trauma or another type of trauma. They may have had one or more experiences where sexual contact was forced. Especially in formative years, such as childhood and adolescence, the brain is creating pathways to understand sexuality. If a sexual trauma occurs during these years, the brain may link sexual arousal or sexual touch with threat, danger, anxiety, or pain.

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However, some individuals I work with who experience sexual aversion cannot pinpoint any trauma. For these people, the issue is even more confusing because they do not understand why they feel so anxious. Usually, when such individuals look into their past (especially childhood and adolescence, when sexual connections are beginning to formulate), they find small messages of guilt, shame, or blame associated with sexual arousal or touch. Perhaps small comments from parents or school institutions created an atmosphere of body shame or shame about sexual arousal.

How Sexual Aversion Can Influence Your Thoughts and Emotions

Sexual aversion may be experienced even if you have a great relationship and find your partner attractive. Some common thoughts and emotions associated with sexual aversion may include:

You feel out of control.
Control is an essential component of aversion. Remember, aversion is an extreme form of anxiety. It is your body’s way of saying, “I do not want that. I do not like that. Stay away.” It protects your body from harm. When you feel that someone wants sex, expects sex, or even has the “right” to sex because you are married, you are feeling out of control.

You do not feel relaxed in sexual encounters.
Your body is almost in a state of “beyond anxiety” where you don’t necessarily feel nervous, but you feel repelled. Pay attention to your body. Do you feel nauseous or have stomach issues when you think about sex? Do you feel fluttery or nervous? Do you feel nothing at all and just sort of frozen?

You do not feel aroused, yet you engage in sex anyway.
Engaging in sexual activity when you are not aroused is harmful for your emotional well-being. If you are not aroused, your body is not connected with your mind during the act. You might do this because you feel guilty that you are never in the mood to be with your partner. However, it could be causing long-term damage.

5 Steps to Reduce Your Sexual Anxiety

It’s important to understand that sexual aversion is common, especially among women. You are not alone. To work on your sexual anxiety, follow these steps:

Assert your control over the situation by setting boundaries and ground rules.
Agree to limited sexual contact. If you experience sexual aversion, engage only in a type of sexual contact (hugging, holding hands, etc.) that you feel comfortable with. As you get more comfortable, increase the activities slowly over time. Take it week by week or month by month—whatever you’re comfortable with.
Practice mindfulness and relaxation techniques prior to and during a sexual encounter.
Stop engaging in intercourse until the aversion has subsided.
Consider finding a sex therapist, as this does not typically go away by continuing to engage in sex.

Understanding why you feel averse to sexual touch even if you love your partner is the first step in lowering your sexual anxiety. Work through the tips above to be more connected with your body and feel more comfortable when sexual contact occurs.

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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below.

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166 comments
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Katy
September 4th, 2015 at 7:50 AM
Would you say that most people who experience this have encountered some form of sexual trauma in their lives?

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Gabe
May 8th, 2017 at 3:54 AM
Seems to be written and from and for a perspective of women. I can tell you from experience, guys can end up here too. Fake it till you make it is bad advice I was given (my now wife was pregnant and we had to get married by our families). Now I shutter at the thought of faking it and go out of my way to avoid contact at all.

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sallimae
June 9th, 2019 at 6:05 PM
How were you able to fake getting excited? Don’t you need an erection to be able to impregnate her?
Sheri
March 12th, 2020 at 2:00 AM
It can happen to ANYONE, male OR female, I absolutely agree, and it is miserable. Being shamed, judged, told you are “living in sin”, etc for even considering sex, and then being expected to be HAPPY with the exact same act, after everyone ELSE’S specific requirements for YOUR LIFE have been met (marriage) can prove to be a little difficult. Are these judgemental people as concerned now, about how incredibly unhappy you are ? Rarely.
” Let’s take one of the rare, universally enjoyable things on this earth, …. add loads of guilt and a ton of pressure, and see if we can’t ruin that, too !!”
Aaarrgh.
Rivka
September 4th, 2015 at 9:40 AM
Hi Katy- not necessarily. Many cannot pinpoint any trauma.

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Katy
September 4th, 2015 at 11:31 AM
Truly surprising. There would have to be something there that is underlying that may cause them to not be interested in having sex. Hormones maybe? Or maybe some sort of repressed feelings from before that are not yet able to acknowledge?

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AwomanontheNet
September 4th, 2015 at 6:15 PM
Is it normal for this to come out of nowhere? I used to LOVE having sex and being sexual and touchy with my husband. Then there was a trauma with my kids (one sexually assaulted the other in another) and I went into PTS. I’ve come beyond the PTS, but my sexual desire hasn’t come back, and I feel like I’m completely detached during sex. It seems like I’m punishing my poor husband, which I don’t mean to do. I DO love him, and I miss my sex drive!

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Vicki
August 8th, 2016 at 4:59 PM
I am going threw a similar situation with my husband. And i can’t seem to get it thru his head, that I still love him and want top be with him…

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Alde
August 11th, 2016 at 1:18 PM
Married for 10 yrs….I moved out of our house 8 months ago. We see each other a few days during the week for a couple of hours each visit. We spend one night together at my home in the same bed. She says that she has never liked being touched or ever enjoyed sex with anyone most of her life. She says that she loves me and that she likes spending time with me. But sex, kissing and touching is not pleasant for her. And she stated that this will never change. I love my wife dearly, but I need affection which she cannot give me. I pray that my love for her will never fade…..Hopeless in Garland,TX
Rose
January 8th, 2020 at 6:13 PM
I’m going through this too. I used to love sex and being touchy with my husband. Over the last 3-4 years I have completely lost my sex drive. I feel so bad for my husband because I don’t love him any less and I’m very attracted to him. I just can’t figure out how to get back to my “normal” self.

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MP
April 17th, 2020 at 10:05 AM
I love my partner used to be very sexually motivated, now it repulses me I hate the thought of it, don’t enjoy it, do not need it or want it.
i feel guilty as my partner gets angry but all of a sudden is like that part of me died??

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Whitney
September 4th, 2015 at 6:21 PM
How do you discern between asexuality as a sexual orientation and sexual aversion/anxiety as a disorder? Feeling repelled may not always be a sign of ” a state of ‘beyond anxiety”, in my opinion.

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Cathy
September 25th, 2016 at 9:53 PM
I totally agree with you. I never experienced a sexual trauma, or any other traumas. I simply don’t like sex. I consider myself an Asexual person and that is not something which needs to be “fixed.”

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dietotaku
April 20th, 2017 at 4:37 PM
A frequent criteria for defining a disorder is that it causes impaired function or distress. If you’re not distressed by your lack of libido or it’s not interfering with your relationships, it wouldn’t be an aversion. People with sexual aversion want to have normal healthy sexual relationships and may have in the past but are unable to now.

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Barb
March 9th, 2020 at 3:02 AM
I like it! Your opinion.

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Kim
September 4th, 2015 at 6:24 PM
It doesn’t say they aren’t interested, but that it causes anxiety. The messages received about bodies or sex over the years could be a collective sexual trauma that happened so subtly they can’t be pinpointed.

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Joy
September 4th, 2015 at 6:57 PM
If a person who has this cannot initially pinpoint an early sexual trauma, does that immediately rule out sexual trauma? Could they have dissociated those memories?
Can a childhood of emotional and physical abuse also cause this?

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Eugenie
September 5th, 2015 at 4:15 AM
I feel like this article is talking about what i am going through, since i had a baby i have no desire for any sexual activities, touching makes me cringe, it is a painful experience and so unfair for the partner then, you try so hide in your mind to relax and go though it but i wonder what does this do to your sycho, it is so unhealthy, frustrating, hurting but you do it because you love your husband so bad you don’t want to send him away

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Sthe
September 5th, 2015 at 4:21 AM
I thought i was the only one going through this horrible situation, i use to love to touch, be touched and enjoyed sexual engagement with my husband but these days i feel so uncomfortable, irritable, lack of sexual desire and i don’t recall any trouma in my childwood at all, he is all i ever wanted, soft, caring and wonderful man, what is wrong with me?

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tori
September 5th, 2015 at 11:35 AM
I would say that it could help so much to be with someone who is very understanding of this instead of willing to drop you just because the sexual interest at this time is not necessarily the same or compatible.

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Canyon
September 7th, 2015 at 10:45 AM
Until you yourself can understand what is causing the aversion then your partner has no hope of ever understanding it. The first understanding of it has to come from you.

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leigh
September 7th, 2015 at 5:17 PM
I have been this way for most of my adult life, not because anything bad happened to me or I had a bad experience, I guess I am just one of those unfortunate people for whom sex is kind of like a turn off to me. There is nothing about it that I find enjoyable and I have been with men and women both who have tried to make me interested, it just never feels like it is for me. I can get close to someone but intimacy on that level is not my thing.

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Caitlyn
September 8th, 2015 at 10:33 AM
There may be days when I feel like this but not month after month or year after year. I think that there is something within all humans that makes you have this need to be loved and touched and if you are not feeling that then I think that there is something that needs to be addressed. this could be your version of what is normal, and I guess that if this is how you have always been then this is your normal, but let me please tell you that there is so much to life that can be experienced with physical ouch and I hope that you will one day be able to see and feel that.

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Red
September 11th, 2015 at 7:23 AM
this kind of aversion comes with a whole lot of warnings and red flags

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Ashley
December 1st, 2015 at 6:04 PM
Are there any type of online support groups for those who are suffering from Sexual aversion?

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Interwebmale
December 10th, 2015 at 9:14 PM
This disorder can appear from any cause. The effect varies, depending on how serious the cause, was/is/has been. Think in terms of math: sexuality + ? = sexual aversion

This would indicate that ‘?’ Could be ANYTHING. It could be something serious, like childhood abuse, or recent trauma. It could be attributing your own children’s transgressions with sex- it could even be a subway sandwich!

The point is, to fix the issue, the cause must be determined. If the cause is serious, seek professional help. If the cause is less serious, you will have to spend some time, on rewriting the brain’s responses and understanding of the causes and effects. This will involve MORE patience from the unhappy partner, but, keep in mind that the partner may also be the cause of the problem.

My wife and I, have been together for 6 years, married for two- over the past few years, the sex has disappeared! I made my concerns vocal, and we both did some research. She found an article on sexual aversion, and she was excited to see information she could relate to. She has a tough time putting her feelings into words, so this helped. She began to realize, over the years that we’ve been together, there were several instances where we had sex, immediately after heavy and unfinished arguments. Pair this with the fact that I have a bad temper, and I was drunk most of these instances, and the fact that she had sex with me because she felt obligated to make me feel better, and you have the predicament that we are involved with now.

We knew the cause: sexuality + anger, resentment, arguing, drinking = sexual aversion

We are just now trying to work on this. So I don’t have a success story- yet, but, I am very hopeful! She will begin by spending some alone time, thinking of me, and writing down the feelings that present themselves as anxiousness, or negativity. Next, she will continue the same practice, with me in the room, totally silent. From there, we address the issues head on. I’m unsure if there will be much to discuss, as in many of our arguments, I was at fault. This is all done, with the hope that the brain will rewire the previous links. Step 1, helps determine the problems, step 2 shows trust, by digging up these negative feelings with your partner IN the same room, Step 3 hopefully puts the mind at ease, by closing the arguments, or finishing them. Step 4, move slow. Keeping in mind that pushiness, will only lead to more damaging results.

I will revisit and post our results. But, this seems to be such a common problem in relationships. Especially our case, because the problem isn’t truly and singularly: my wife’s problem. It was a problem with me, that was the cause- the effect was derived from multiple instances of bad decision making on her part, and my own. Realizing that I was apart of that problem, made me feel horrible, but, it helped knowing what had caused this sexual drop off. Even more gratifying, having a goal, or a direction to work toward, to hopefully get things back to normal.

My advice, if you are experiencing the same issues: find 15 minutes, in a quiet, private room. Begin thinking of your partner, touching you, or being intimate with you. Let your mind wander, and write down what makes you feel anxious at the end of 15 mins. Do this repeatedly, for a week. See what your mind says, and begin a dialogue with your partner. Explain where your feelings come from. Determine the severity of the cause, and seek professional help if there are serious issues involved.

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Michelle
July 16th, 2017 at 3:39 PM
Thank you for your contribution. I really appreciate this it is helpful. My partner’s regular drinking makes me totally anxious and I will not be touched. He is not aggressive with me at all, I just cannot stand the smell of alcohol on skin and cannot at all trust anyone who drinks. We don’t argue. Ironically our personalities make it fairly easy..in fact he is more patient with my signs of anxiety than I am with any aspects of his personality that make me uncomfortable. He cares more for me than anyone I have known but for me alcohol, regular drinking is like a wall. I am resigned to not staying together. I cannot stop him have his life but I cannot feel OK with someone who will hit the vodka and coke at 11am in the morning..I suppose 3, 70cl vodka bottle a week (could be more sometimes) and Guinness (special brew is not an option I cannot tolerate, the smell of the cans when open will make me gag). I resent feeling I have to drive or I do not feel safe. I have expressed this clearly but somehow this is the deal breaker for me and he cannot imagine or really wish to change this.. So I know sadly this relationship cannot survive. I feel affection and physical attraction for him but this presses the anxiety button as he is physically ‘strong’ and has a strong sexual drive which in normal circumstances would already be at times difficult to sustain for me… I need more physical space .. I am sexually attracted to him but …I cannot have sex when alcohol is involved. I fear that there will be the day when I will not want sex and it will be almost forced in the heat of the moment because of the impact of alcohol…my bottom line is I cannot have a sexual relationship in these conditions. This is a gut felt boundary. I don’t think he will change so parting ways is a matter of time. We both have the means to have our own home. I had mine before we met and he is selling and buying another home. So we are free agents with clear economic boundaries too and no children (both our children are grown up and with other partners).
It makes me feel sad at times.. I am very affectionate and love to hug and touch but I don’t as I cannot be inconsistent and expect my boundaries to be respected if I seek any physical touch.

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Tracey
February 22nd, 2016 at 8:33 AM
It has a name. What a relief. It makes me cry to think there are others like me. I hate sex,I dont want to even be touched. As I have gotten older it has gotten worse. And my marriage is suffering because of it.. I feel like a freak..

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Heather
August 11th, 2016 at 4:00 PM
Tracey – I know exactly what you mean. I’ve never enjoyed sex (it actually feels like a chore) … I completely hate it now. It definitely caused problems in my marriage and we are now divorced. I don’t think you are a freak, but if you are unlike me in the sense that you love your husband (I had a lot of resentment towards mine for his lack of compassion), I hope that you are able to take this information and get help. I wish you all the best, and I will be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

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notmenoti
November 21st, 2016 at 9:34 PM
I was also relieved to see that it has a name, and I’m not the only one suffering from it. I know where it came from–my previous marriage. I was married to someone who berated me if I didn’t provide sex on demand. I couldn’t even touch him without sex being expected of me. I learned to avoid physical contact with him, because he was going to demand sex if I dared even hold his hand. I would pretend to be sleeping when he came home from working late (he was sometimes on call) so he would leave me alone. When we got divorced, I felt relieved and happy at the thought that no man would ever touch me again. Things have changed, and I’m going to have to figure out how to deal with this. I’ve met a very nice man, and I don’t want him feeling that I’m repulsed by him.

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SB
March 14th, 2016 at 10:09 PM
Tracey, I feel the exact same way. We just process things differently and this is step one to figuring out this side of us. All the best to you.

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anonymous
March 31st, 2016 at 10:42 AM
I know very clearly where mine has come from & have not seen any similar comments here…his 13 year porn addiction that he hid from me, lied about & even went as low as to blame me for having an ‘overactive imagination & watching too many soap operas’. No porn for quite some years but some lusting after women in public & lying about that too. Anger, yelling, lust, porn & lying. I feel utterly repulsed by sex with him & am not even going to do anything to change that. Sex isn’t for everyone.

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Anonymous
June 21st, 2016 at 6:01 AM
I came here looking for information on my own sexual aversion… and after almost a year of struggling with it, my own husband came clean and told me he has a porn addiction. I had been blaming all the sexual problems on myself. On my body changing after having a baby. Feeling guilty about not being able to please him. Well, now at least I know where I stand. I absolutely loathe sex now because he has ruined it for me by demanding things he has seen on a screen that are not fun, comfortable, or sexy for me. We are trying to fix all our issues and he is a good man (I choose to believe that because he came to me with this problem instead of me stumbling across it like a dirty secret it means that he really cares about this marriage) but I am scared that I will never enjoy sex again.

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Sasha
April 21st, 2016 at 12:04 AM
Anonymous… (the person above me)…that is not sexual aversion disorder. That is a marriage in crisis. Sexual aversion is when you (like me, and apparently others) don’t have any desire to have sex with anyone, any time, even in a wonderful relationship. The idea of it is not just un-appealing, but it is literally OFF-PUTTING. And for those wondering… I had fantastic parents and never suffered any sort of sexual trauma in my life. I’m not repressed; it simply didn’t happen. I used to think it was my medication causing the issues… but certain meds can cause lack of drive; not a full on aversion. Then I thought the cause was my self-image (problems with the way i look). But no one ever said you can’t have sex in the dark. Plus, even when I am alone, i come across looking at/reading sexual things in my line of work…and not ANY of it… NONE of it… is a turn-on to me. Nothing. I have 0 turn-ons. I have recently started working as a webcam model and it is EXTREMELY difficult to convince clientele that you are into it, with a disorder like this. “What do you like in bed?” …. Saying “Nothing.” is not an acceptable answer. “At what age did sex become enjoyable?” “Never, really.” is also not sexy at all. “When’s the last time you got some?” “3 years ago.” The list goes on.

I just don’t know. All I can figure is that Low Sex Drive Due to Meds & Self Image leads to unhappy partners (back when i was actually interested in dating)….partners unhappy because of sex leads to thoughts of how men are so pathetically oversexed and how they want it all the time and how no relationship can seem to function without it…. leads to disgust with men as a whole….leads to disgust with sex…leads to disgust with men…so on and so forth. I’m attracted to men. I just don’t want to have sex with them anymore, haha. God, I used to be at least somewhat normal. But even back then…on the first date or whatever, when it was still exciting and i was mad interested in a guy, i’d be all into doing it. but a couple times of that and even then…10 minutes would go by and it would be “So are you finished yet or….?”

I got to get this mess figured out. I can not work this job (which is my only option to pay the bills until i find another real one) with this defect.

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Cathy
September 25th, 2016 at 10:39 PM
It’s not a “defect.” There’s nothing inherently wrong with you. Not desiring sex is just that—not desiring sex. Also, I disagree with you about Anonymous’ comment above. Porn could totally be the cause of sexual aversion for some. Personally, I think sex is a disgusting, primitive, and useless act.

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Lara
September 21st, 2017 at 5:57 PM
Well, aren´t you a sad fellow. No. What you´re describing is asexuality . Meaning no sexual atraction to anyone.
Those with the disorder were sexually active before and felt that atraction.So if you have always felt this way and there was no trauma involved,
if yor parents were attentive and your childhood good is it so hard to believe that it perhaps could be natural to NOT crave sex??? Outracious, right?!
I have the same “symptoms” like you but my familylife is a breeze. We are not rich but solid middle-class. I have never felt sexual atraction and never questioned it (it was just not relevant to me)
until someone else brought it to my attention. When I searched for it online I was devasted. I thought I was disfunctional. Until I found an Ace article.
What youre describing is exactly Asexuality and its not a disfunction.(Except if you want it to be, but by those standars EVERYTHING could be seen as a disfunction)
Of course if you want to continue destroing youself like that, feel free. I´ll go over to the Asexual-forum , feel free to take a look at it whenerver you like. :)

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Melissa W.
September 22nd, 2017 at 11:23 AM
I disagree, as Sasha mentioned, she finds sex, not just unappealing, but off-putting. Meaning it makes her feel disgust. So I believe this makes her to be experiencing sexual aversion. An asexual person would just not care for sex, without the disgust feeling. I’m not sure on this difference, just a thought.
Lara
September 21st, 2017 at 6:09 PM
Sorry. That came out a bit harsh. I deeply apologize for that. :(
It just hits a nerve because I share a lot of your experiences (though not the job one. Hope you were able to sort that out :/ )
I think that, if there really wasn´t a big factor in someones life “converting” them to that then what makes it unnatural?
Again I´m sorry for my disrespectfull tone in my previous post.

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Anonymous
July 10th, 2018 at 8:40 AM
Whoa! This is EXACTLY how I feel. You explained it PERFECTLY! You also type just like me, hahaha!! I use a lot of caps and ellipsis too! Anyway….this is exctly how I’ve felt, and I just don’t know why. I had a great childhood as well, and I have a memory like no other, and I truly believe I would remember some sort of sexual trauma. I used to think it had to do with my body image issues, but like you said….you can always have sex in the dark. I too, have ZERO turn-ons. Literally zero. UGH, it’s so frustrating. I’ve been in a relationship for 9 years, and sex has always felt like a chore for me, and I do it out of guilt most times, but I also do it because I am in love with him. We’ve had quite a few REALLY rough patches in the distant past, and more recent past. I thought that had something to do with it, but I know I’ve pretty much always felt this way. When I was younger, everyone seemed obsessed with sex. Me, I just wanted to listen to 50’s music, and watch The Golden Girls haha. I’m not a “nerd”. Sex is just the LAST thing on my list. I feel really bad for my partner. He thinks it’s because of the bad stuff that happened a few years ago, and again it probably has something to do with that of course, but I am constantly telling him “No, I’ve NEVER been interested.” I was a virgin until I met him. I had my opportunities, believe me, but never wanted to take them. When I finally decided that my partner was the guy I wanted to lose it to, it was because of our emotional connection. I didn’t neccisarily enjoy the actual act. I can take care of myself in that regard, and I do(not nearly as often as I used to) But even then, I don’t think of your typical sexual thoughts. I’ll think “Oh, I’ve got to make dinner. Or finish that movie I started” Then the rush of it all gets me off. I’m so weird! Sometimes I wonder if I’m “Asexual” I don’t know. But you’re totally right in that a woman who has this type of aversion, can become totally disgusted with their man, thinking they are oversexed and OBSESSED! When in reality, all he is trying to do is love me, and show it to me in that way. It’s getting worse as I get older. I hope I can figure something out.

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jason
July 8th, 2016 at 4:07 PM
hi i am a 36 year old male with a history of bipolar and severe psychological depression and ocd. I can relate to this sexual aversion disorder. (and Im a man!) I have severe erectile dysfunction issues when Im with a partner. I like men and women and I have messed around with both sexes a little when i was younger. But for the most part I was never able to get hard with anybody! I start to tense up adrenalin starts pumping and get nauseated and repulsed by the thought of carrying out the act of full penatrative sex. So i never have at 36 yet.) and it was not until recently that I could put a name on what I have which is a cross between asexuality and sex aversion disorder i believe. but in my case i hate it. it tortures me no end. because I want to enjoy it and have sex like others do. It tortures me no end. I want to enjoy it. damnit. I cant even enjoy bjs. My penis head is two sensitive. And people get mad at me when i cant perform because they think its them. (Is not its me). seriously ffd up. help me people!

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angela c
July 29th, 2016 at 2:26 PM
I’m ok and love the sex once it’s full on but the foreplay yuck why does my skin retract like g

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angela c
July 29th, 2016 at 2:30 PM
Love the intercourse really really hate the foreplay like yuck don’t even touch me my skin I don’t know it just feels jumpy like I’m not ready to be touched how can this be it’s like I want to control the touch where and when but if your not turned on in the first place then how are you ever going to be without touch ?

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Chessing
August 9th, 2016 at 10:14 AM
I’m a happily married man, I love my wife and I’m only 29. I have had no history of sexual trauma

I absolutely hate the idea of sex and can not for the life of me explain it. The very word makes me defensive and want to curl up into a ball. Can anyone help explain this? Moreover, are there any blokes reading that can empathise at all?

Thanks

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Confused
January 21st, 2019 at 7:09 PM
Im a 38 year old who loved sex when in previous relationships. I would say that the first six to eight months of dating was sexually stimulating with my partner. Sometime after we moved in together the sex began to slow and i had trouble becoming aroused. I slowly grew disinterested in sex with my partner and felt that it started becoming a chore. I now do it in order to keep up my end of the bargain although i do not enjoy it. I often fantasize of my single days dating when relationships were not so needy. I love my partner but hate my situation and often feel tortured by the whole thing. I do not have a sex aversion because i am still stimulated by other females.

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bec
August 21st, 2016 at 8:48 AM
I have never been sexually abused, but havw been pinned down twice to the ground from two male family members/friend of the family because I refused to hug them (on seperare occasions) I have been mentally abused and called ugly most of my life.
The thought of anyone touching me makes me feel nauseas, and gross like I need to wash myself.
if a man even looks at me with a hint of wanting, I am out of that room faster then flash! I am 27yrs old.
how can I get over this? I want to be normal!

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Alde
August 23rd, 2016 at 7:34 AM
Bec I am sorry to hear your trauma. You should not tolerate being anything other than treated with full love and respected 100% of the time. I have issues that I need answers to also. But I am slowly accepting that I can’t change the past but I can allow healthy and sane people in my life on a daily basis.

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Angie
August 23rd, 2016 at 7:13 AM
I was so happy to stumble across this article and the comments after a late night Google search on the issue that’s destroying our marriage . My husband is a pilot and flies internationally and is gone for 10 to 12 days stretches. He left for his trip yesterday furious with me that I had not been receptive to his advances the entire week he had been home. His last words as he walked to the cab were “well I guess you get an entire month off” . After the kids had left that morning he had tried dragging me to the bedroom for a quick round of sex before he left for his trip. I knew this would be coming and even considered making up a lie about an appointment so I could rush out the door and avoid the inevitable . Why couldn’t I just force myself to do it and get it over with it and allow some tranquility to resume? It had been a hard week and I just kept reliving the multiple arguments and his angry outbursts with me and the kids , and although we weren’t mad at each other at the moment , the thought of trying to fake sexual pleasure was beyond repulsive. This article and many of the comments brought me to tears as the realization that others are going through the same thing and there are some possible “treatments” . We have been married 20 years and have three teenage children . The agitation and hostility that arises from his sexual needs not being fulfilled to the extent he desires is felt by all of us in the home. You would think that my need to clear the house of that stress would push me to work past my aversion and just give him that relief so we can move on. Now I realize that all those years of doing just that may have been exactly what landed us in the mess we are in now. I have even spent the past 5 years “secretly” drinking in the evenings in hope that a strong buzz will relieve my anxieties and help me get the “job” done. That doesnt works any more. It’s of course no longer a secret that I am drinking and now just another sore spot between us. My MO is to now just hit the stage of passing out before he come to bed and the next morning is spent with unspoken hostilities and anger over the unrewarding previous evening. I never even feel the desire to drink and rarely have a single drop of alcohol when he is away on a trip. I avoid “date nights” and sometimes even instigate arguments or bring up topics that I know will lead to a heated discussion in an effort to give myself an “excuse” not to want to have sex. I love him very much , you would think that love would allow me to do anything for him , but it doesn’t ! He is a devoted husband and Dad and I know he deserves that sexual reward but Trying to do that is emotionally destroying me. I never will instigate plan or suggest a “date night” any more . I am too consumed with worry that I won’t be able to “pay the piper” at nights end or if I am able to force myself to get through it, I try to rush it along as much as I can. He can see that and this also becomes a source of unspoken hostility. When we are alone he will often walk up and hug me or try to give me a kiss or grab and rub my breasts , trying to get me in a playful mood. The moment that happens I become nauseous, agitated and panicky. My mind starts replaying every recent argument or fight and I am left fighting this strong desire to shove him off of me and yell at him. I obviously have realized this is not normal, but until I ran across a few articles like this , I was just plagued with a guilt that was leading me into a depression. Thank you for sharing your stories. I am hoping we are not to badly scarred and that there may be hope and some kind of treatment that can fix this huge problem of ours. I think the first step was realizing the problem is not just “ME” .

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Ashley
September 4th, 2016 at 11:05 PM
Oh my gosh, you just explained my life!! I just stumbled upon this ai didnt even Know Sexual Adversion was a thing, but I totally diagnosed myself….Wow, so what have you done to make things better. I want a cure 😉. Let me know if you have any suggestions. Thanks

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Matt
July 17th, 2017 at 8:07 AM
Hi Angie.
So sorry to hear about your difficulties with your husband. What you wrote really struck a chord with me because, well…. I am him! No, this isn’t your husband, but I am a man whose wife seems to have an almost identical problem to yours. I can relate to both of you.
I love her desperately, but I cannot help that I have an extremely high sex drive any more than she can help her aversion to it. It’s a terrible problem really. I can see how she/you could think of it as your husband being some kind of deviant or sex maniac. Heck, maybe we are. I just know that from my standpoint, I want her very badly. It’s not just the act of sex, but the closeness and bonding that comes from it. and yes, sometimes that can seem rushed and perfunctory. If only we all lived lives where every night could include the excitement and romance of our courtship and early marriage, but as we all know, life is not like that. We work (both outside and inside the home) and we have responsibilities and sometimes that just kills the ability to make things interesting.
For me though, things are even worse. Things started getting bad when my wife became pregnant with our first child 11 years ago. about 5 years ago I went outside our marriage for sex. It was with a prostitute and she found out about it. This was devastating for her and the worse part is, it was useless for me as I learned that this in no way made up for a lack of sex in our marriage. I actually wasn’t physiologically able to go through with the act, but this didn’t matter. The damage was done.
Now more than 5 years after that we are still struggling along. We were even separated for more than 6 months but in the end we both decided that we would rather try to fix our own marriage than to either make a new one or live separate lives. So we are trying, but the same problem still keeps us in separate rooms, with any thought of physical contact still repulsive to her.
For my own part I try to hardest not to show any resentment because of this, but I know that I fail. We are seeing a counselor finally but it’s too early to know what can be done.
Mostly I just wanted to tell you that you are not the only couple with this problem and it is very difficult from both sides. You should not feel bad about the way you feel about sex/affection any more than he should feel badly about wanting it. There is nothing “wrong” with either of you, just as I know there is nothing wrong with my wife, whom I love desperately (as I suspect that your husband does you). The key is to find a way to discuss it with each other in a way that doesn’t leave either of you feeling anger and guilt. That is easier said than done, but through counseling we are slowly getting to a place where we can discuss it. Maybe that can lead to a solution of some kind. Maybe you and your husband can do the same. I sincerely hope so.
Matt

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camille
March 18th, 2019 at 12:39 PM
this is me exactly, including the drinking

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BM
August 28th, 2016 at 1:03 PM
I’m an African American male, and my dates/relationships have been almost exclusively with White girls/women over nearly sixty years, and all involved frequent sex. I had absolutely no sex education whatsoever, and my Mother constantly derided, and tried to make me feel ashamed of myself for showing even a vague interest in girls/women. Lust was unheard of! There’s so much more to my story, but the jist of it all is that I crave sex, though I’m in total control of myself when it comes to seeking an amicable sex partner. About 15 years ago, I stopped engaging in sex with “Randoms” . I haven’t had sex since, and feel totally like a mis-fit. Now I’m seeing, but not really dating a woman who’s 46 years my junior. Our friendship/relationship changed in character just recently, and became more personal. She tells me now that she’s asexual, though I remember her mentioning accomodating two men at a point a few years ago. This doesn’t bother me at all, but I’m worried that she’s freaked out at the thought of engaging in any sort of intimacy with me, and is just being diplomatic by offering that she’s asexual. I’ve told her of my obsession with women’s barefeet, and that it stems from my early years. She said she understands. Now I want badly to be able to hold, kiss and caress her feet, but I fear that if she does have a sexual aversion, that asking her for this will repulse her.
She is the only person in my life literally, and figuratively, and I don’t expect that there will be any sex involving penetration, but I do long to hold and caress her feet.

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Alice
September 5th, 2016 at 6:28 PM
Is it normal if I like to do things to my boyfriend but I hate being touched myself? It really confuses me lately…

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BM
September 5th, 2016 at 10:18 PM
Alice,……,
You don’t mention what “things” you like to do to your boyfriend, but if you’re doing things to tease, tantalize to the point of bordering on sodomy, I’d question your actions/motives.
Working with the presumption that these “things” that you do to him are sexual, you should ask if these “things” bring him to the point of ejaculation/sexual satisfaction?…..If NOT, are you, and why are you teasing him…… ?? If so, then consider that you may be afraid of experiencing these highly stimulating sexual activities for yourself. You may also be covering up a fear of not knowing “what to do” if you’re approached for sex. It could also be a fear of imagined pain, which would lead to discomfort that you feel would overwhelm any pleasurable feelings….. In my opinion, there can be any number of reasons that you don’t want to be touched, but I believe that these things should be dealt with on a different page. NOT to be coupled together as if just one entity. From my point of view, you’re not claiming to have a sexual aversion, and shouldn’t be allowed to make such a claim if in fact, these “things” that you like to do to your boyfriend are indeed sexual in nature, and aimed at bringing your partner pleasure/satisfaction.
In other words, if you’re doing “things” to your boyfriend to bring him complete sexual pleasure, then there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s something wrong though if you get a thrill out of teasing, when you know full well that you’re not going to deliver.
You only need concentrate on what stops you from allowing yourself to be touched.

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Cathy
September 25th, 2016 at 10:54 PM
You are way out of line to assume the woman above is “teasing” her boyfriend. You almost have a condescending tone and that’s the last thing she needs to hear. I know exactly what she’s talking about. She enjoys making her boyfriend feel good by giving him sexual pleasure, but doesn’t like him doing anything to her. It’s completely a sexual aversion issue.
Lisa
July 10th, 2018 at 11:12 AM
BM, that was a TOTALLY RIDICULOUS way to address that woman’s question. This is EXACTLY the type of attitude that can cause women to feel like less when they DO have something like this. It’s obvious what she meant, and so many women feel that way. Turning a guy on can please a woman without having to be touched.
Matt
July 11th, 2018 at 7:19 AM
I think we’re all agreeing more than we think we are. BM seems to be saying that she shouldn’t “tease” by sexually stimulating without finishing the process, so to speak. Well, that’s true. No one should do that with their partner. He may be assuming that is happening without knowing it for sure and that could be a mistake as well.
As for her not liking to be touched, I agree that is very common. It is ending my marriage as we speak. It can be due to a number of factors, from psychological aversion to sex to sensory issues like Autism and Misophonia (or some combination of all these). But his last statement that this should be dealt with as a medical problem is not necessarily incorrect. If a person cannot stand to be touched sexually (or any other way), this should be viewed as a problem and treatment should be sought.
Melissa
July 11th, 2018 at 1:45 PM
That’s so interesting that you mention Misophonia Matt, as I suffer from sexual aversion and have misophonia and misokenisia. Very interesting! I did not know there was a connection.. I would also say that I’m hyper sensitive to touch too, as I cannot stand the feeling of clothing moving/rubbing on my skin. It just feels awful to me!
ross
September 10th, 2016 at 10:24 PM
i am 28 married from last 6 months (wife is pregnant now) , i have been engage in sex with more than 100 womens in past, i got good experience too ,
now the girl i married cant feel any pleasure from kissing , touching, or hugging as normal , i was curious why is she doing this, maybe i can relate this article to her problem, ,,,

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BM
September 26th, 2016 at 5:09 PM
Cathy,
You’ve NOT READ what I said! I DID NOT assume she was teasing her boyfriend. I asked, “If the things” you’re doing to your boyfriend are sexual in nature, and
are meant to, and result in him receiving sexual pleasure especially to the point of orgasm/ejaculation, then there’s NOTHING wrong with that! BUT (IF) you’re Not bringing him satisfaction , then ARE YOU teasing him, and WHY? I stated that it borders on sodomy to do this when you know that you’re not going to deliver. I think I concluded by saying that if she were indeed pleasing her boyfriend, that her [“aversion”] is what she should concentrate her attention on. There are two different topics of discussion here. WHATEVER she’s doing to her boyfriend does NOT EQUATE to a sexual aversion simply because it’s NOT LIKELY that if she actually has an aversion to sex, that she would do ANYTHING related to it.

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PF
January 4th, 2017 at 12:46 PM
Uh, no. Doing something to someone else (touching, etc.) is an entirely different power dynamic than having things done to you. Did you read the article? Part of the issue is control – if your partner is not trying to touch or arouse or pleasure you, and you are determining how and what and when you do things to them, then you have more control over the experience. That is entirely consistent with someone having sexual aversion issues that aren’t perhaps the most extreme they could be. Also, a number of people who identify as asexual are comfortable doing sexual things to a partner (touching, etc.) without reciprocation. They enjoy that their partner enjoys the experience even if it isn’t something they personally want to experience.

Ultimately the answer is communication – if you are clear with your partner what you are comfortable with and not, then you and your partner can try to figure out something that works for both of you. And yes, that might include what you’ve defined as ‘teasing’ wherein things don’t progress to orgasm. A partner can enjoy being touched and other acts even if they have to finish things off themselves, it is down to the people engaging in the activities to define what is comfortable and works for them. Being more or less comfortable with any one aspect certainly doesn’t mean someone isn’t sexually adverse at all, it isn’t an all or nothing thing.

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Miryam
October 27th, 2016 at 11:21 PM
okay i have bad sexual aversion due to trauma, however, I am very sexual, in that I tend to clear my mind in the moment and try not to think of what is being done to me or what I am doing and just do the task at hand. My sexuality is very complicated, when I am by myself I think of sex often and with wanting, however when doing it, it’s different. I allow for sexual touch, but cannot enjoy it like others do. But occasionally it comes and goes, when I want to have sex, my partner doesn’t want to have sex, and when he wants to have sex, I go along because I know that if i don’t have sex with him now there will be no chance for us to have sex later, because I always want to have sex at inconvenient times. Sometimes if I drink I enjoy sex. Ohh also if someone touches my shoulders who’s not my significant other, then I tense up completely, if my significant other touches me from behind when I am not aware it’s him, I also tense up. When I was more sexually active, I had this fear that if I don’t have sex then my sexual libido will disappear completely, and when my recent partner started saying no to sex often, I found myself completely always turned off all the time. I don’t know how to fix my issue, it’s confusing. Trying to get back into the groove of things, I just want to feel like everyone else. Ohh I also lose feeling during sex as well which is bad because, I want to have a continuous sexual arrousal, and usually sexual arrousal is very short and often, stops when we get to intercourse, it’s almost like my body shuts itself off when it senses that intercourse is the last thing on the list or the end of sexual love making, so my body stop feeling excited after a few thrusts..,but yea..it’s confusing to me. I can’t figure out whether if i hate having sex or love having sex because if flip flops…

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sandy
November 26th, 2016 at 1:49 PM
I have bi polar disorder and severe aniexty could it be associated with these dis orders

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BM
December 5th, 2016 at 10:20 PM
Sandy, I’m NOT an authority on any of these topics, nor learned in accordance. Just an everyday individual. My take on Bi Polar disorder is that it does NOT relate directly to the topic of sexual aversion. An aversion to sex as I’ve come to believe is that an individual just does NOT have any interest in, nor desire for sex at any level. There does seem to be though, a situation in which any given individual may have sexual feelings, and engage in sex as long as conditions are favorable. These may include being high on drugs or alcohol which allows inhibitions to be discarded. I’m NOT sure that in such cases an aversion to sex would be a proper description of this conditional behavior. Engaging in sex and enjoying sex, no matter what the conditions, are two separate entities in my opinion in that there are those who would submit to engaging in sex because they feel they owe it to their partner, even though they must be drunk or stoned before the act can be carried out. Their enjoyment is yet another question, but I would NOT call it an aversion if under certain conditions they can engage in, and enjoy sex. My opinion is that in order to categorize a condition as an aversion, there cannot be a situation in which an individual is capable of making a conscious exception and allowing a partner to engage them in a sexual act resulting in their enjoyment.
My feelings regarding Bi Polar disorder is that it would NOT be a determining factor in the case of, or willingness, or ability to engage in sex no matter what the conditions are. I think it stands alone in such instances as sexuak attractiveness, desire, and participation. Since I’m just an everyday “Joe”, I’d offer that a person with Bi Polar disorder could possibly engage in, and even enjoy sex during their euphoric moments, but deeply detest even the suggestion of sex during their depressed state. In other words, you could be Bi Polar with an aversion to sex also, but i personally DON’T think that an aversion to sex is synonymous with Bi Polar disorder or that one begats the other.

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Adig
December 18th, 2016 at 2:14 AM
Not sure of my problem but, I just don’t feel any arousal and couldn’t maintain erection

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crystal
January 8th, 2017 at 4:12 PM
Ive read all your comments and i see bits and pieces of myself in most of yall. I was abused for 2 years starting at 2 years old. When i was placed at my grandmothers i was made to feel like i was disgusting. I was punished over any sign of anything sexual. I managed to have 3 kids but only when i was pregnant did i want to have sex.before and after i couldnt and still cant until we get started. It doesnt help that my husband of 13 years doesnt show affection til he wants to play. I cant afford professional help though im hopeing this artical can help my husband understand what im going through. Any advice would be amazing. Professional or otherwise at this point anything will help.

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Sophie
January 9th, 2017 at 12:34 PM
Hi Crystal – I read your comment and just wanted to write to you. I think it’s so important to remember that everyone is built differently and that some of us go through experiences, like you have, that can cause difficulties as well. Even if you can’t afford professional help right now, I think the best place to start is to be honest with yourself about your past experiences. You were taught from a young age that sexuality and any natural sexual urges you had were wrong – for that reason alone it is no surprise that you are struggling in this area. The mind remembers what you went through, but what we don’t realize is that the body remembers as well.

I think the most important thing for you to do right now is to reflect on how these experiences have affected you (not just sexually, but mentally and emotionally as well). Notice any feelings that come up when you think of this past abuse (anger, sadness, frustration, etc). Allow yourself to feel all of these emotions fully. When you numb these feelings or brush them off you end up pushing them down and never truly healing. Maybe keep a journal and write down any situations that come up that trigger you and any corresponding emotions that you feel as well. Dealing with our emotions and our past is scary. Take it slowly and don’t expect results to come all at once. It’s a true journey of inner healing that needs to be done and that takes time.

At the same time, your husband needs to be reminded that you require more from him in this area. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but I think your husband needs you to say to him directly that you need more affection – that you can’t go from 0-100 like he can. If he loves you and respects you, he’ll begin to make an effort in other areas of your relationship.

You deserve to feel loved, but most importantly, you deserve to love yourself despite the frustration you may feel about this area in your life. You’re allowed to discover your personal sexual preferences, you’re allowed to take your time in figuring this out, and you’re allowed to say at the end of the day that you don’t like sex and don’t feel comfortable with it, if that’s the conclusion you come to. It’s all normal. It’s all allowed.

Sending you so much love.
Sophie

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Bonnie
January 30th, 2017 at 10:17 AM
I can relate to much of the article. My issues began with menopause.
I gradually noticed that my body wasn’t responding to sexual touch and I was unable to arouse.
Then I started to actually cringe when I was touched sexually.
After a while, I began to get anxious just knowing my husband was interested in sex. I would lock myself in the bathroom for at least 15 min. in order to pump myself up just to endure going through with sex.
My husband could tell things had changed and actually wanted me to let him explore my body to find my sensitive spots so he would know how to turn me on.
I panicked. The thought of him touching me all over shut me down completely.
I had to tell him that my body didn’t enjoy sex anymore. I couldn’t keep lying and forcing myself to pretend I was enjoying sex just because my husband still needed sexual intimacy. I was beginning to hate sex.
What a blow to my husband. Why is it so hard for men to not take a woman’s individual sexuality personally?
They don’t have control over a woman’s biology.
It was hard for him to accept that I didn’t need or want sex for myself anymore. Over time, he mellowed.
So, like a previous commenter, I am able to bring him sexual pleasure but I don’t want to be touched myself.
It has been such a huge relief!
I’m not sure if I have sexual aversion or just a severe case of menopausal sexual shut down.
I can live with the status quo. It doesn’t cause me much anxiety. But, I’m still looking forward to when my husband would rather read a good book :)

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Deborah
January 31st, 2017 at 12:04 AM
There’s no such thing as “sexual aversion.”
Not everyone desires sex. Sex is in no way a basic need. Our society tells us that we must have sex every day or else something is wrong with us. It is society that is defective.

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Quinn
February 24th, 2017 at 1:23 AM
Hi. I’m a 19 year old female college student and recently I’ve been experience extreme bouts of fear and anxiety when it comes to the prospect of physical intimacy with another person. In the past, during high school, I never experienced these sort of fears or worries, but now that I’ve hit college, they seem to be more prominent and strong. A few examples would be that if I was ever in a room alone with a romantic partner of mine, I would get physically ill and nervous about what might happen. It’s not that I don’t want sex, but for some reason, I worry and panic about it. I have had no past trauma as far as I’m aware and it’s honestly eating me up, not knowing what’s wrong. I can’t explain most of how I feel about it. A good way I can explain it is also whenever I’m with a romantic partner and we’re just cuddling or hanging out on the couch, I feel somewhat threatened or scared by the prospect of being alone with them. Even though they’ve done nothing to provoke such a reaction out of me. If anyone could help, I would be extremely thankful!

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Jessica
March 30th, 2017 at 10:20 AM
Hi Quinn,
Would you say that you are comfortable with yourself/your body? I had a similar feeling growing up. I feel now that it was caused by Body Dysmorphic Disorder and not feeling like anyone would find me attractive. I had a tendency to get into my head, even if someone was noticeably attracted to me.

Best,

Jessica

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tellitlikeitis
March 3rd, 2017 at 3:46 AM
men have ruined sex with their evil disgusting ways plain and simply. married men sleep with other women. single men sleep with everyone. men use women then discard them, then brag about it to their friends. and forty somethings do this. sex is spiritual in nature. when you have sex with someone whatever dark energy or demons or whatever is attached to them, you have then had sex with that too. i am not traumatized. i am not a man hater…in todays world keeping your body to yourself is the best thing you can do for yourself. i am telling you like it is

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JMan
May 8th, 2020 at 11:59 PM
Men Use Women?? WTF! Yeah like women don’t want to have sex willingly – heck most woman are the pursuer’s. It takes 2 to tango sweethear!

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lucy
March 3rd, 2017 at 5:04 AM
i have no feeling at all for sex, i feel like something is inserted in me, i dont know who to talk to and do about it.Its killing my confidence and relationships before even starting a family.

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Jake
March 9th, 2017 at 12:47 PM
First of all we’ve been married 50 years and I really never liked touch her nor having sex with her. I only had sex because that’s what you’re supposed to do. So after about 10 years and just gave up with her. I just told her no more sex, touching, sleeping , talking together. She could do what ever she wanted I didn’t care. I moved down to the basement took care of my sex needs with hand and imagination. I haven’t bothered with sex for about 15 years, just won’t get up anymore. I thought she would go away but she didn’t, I personally have had a good life even though I had no interaction with wife

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Victor+
March 9th, 2017 at 3:03 PM
I do not have any issues with sex at all, but I do have an issue with the way people are responding to the commenters. I notice that female commenters get lots of love and support for their stories, male commenters, even those bringing up very sad tales of sexual issues get no response. Is there a reason for this. It seems to happen again and again. If anybody could address this I’d appreciate it.

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Dr.AQP
March 13th, 2017 at 9:25 AM
This article is not in any way to be used as a tool to self diagnose anything. If you can relate to this article it means you should seek a professional. Please stop the judging. No one is perfect.

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Jessica
March 30th, 2017 at 10:16 AM
I have been with my partner for over 5 years now. Over the last year or so my attraction to him has diminished completely. It is the saddest thing that has happen in our relationship. I love him so deeply – but as a best friend. He is still very attracted to me and tries to have sex with me regularly. It is at the point now when he touches me, kisses me, etc. I am repulsed. My immediate reaction is to get away. My entire body and mind screams “no, don’t touch me” but I can’t say that out loud, so I deflect. He is always amazing and understanding and never pushes too far. But now I can’t remember the last time we had sex.

I feel betrayed by my own mind. I love this man, yet I cannot for the life of me be attracted to him. I am starting to feel like this is not a phase. I have tried to get myself into the mind set to “just do it” and get it over with, but every fiber of my being tells me it’s wrong.

I am so lost. Has anyone been through this before?

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Ashley
March 30th, 2017 at 12:49 PM
Yes Jessica.. everything you described is me and my situation for over 10 years now. I have been to therapy, which helped a little but I still have the issues. I wish with all my heart that I would want my husband sexually the way he wants me. I also love him and would never leave him.. but I’m just not feeling the sexual desire for him anymore. I also never express it out loud and do my best to fake it as to never make him feel undesired. I wish there was a support group and some kind of magic pill.

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Jessica
April 29th, 2017 at 5:18 PM
Hi Ashley,
I’m so sorry that this has been happening for you. It is good of you to still try so that it doesn’t hurt him. I haven’t been able to make myself do that for so long.

Do you find that you have lost all sex drive entirely? Or just towards him?
Sarah
March 30th, 2017 at 9:53 PM
Yes, the same thing happened to me. I feel awful and don’t understand it at all. My husband is a handsome man and yet I don’t feel physically attracted to him anymore. We are now separated but remain close friends, but this doesn’t really clarify anything for me personally. It’s a difficult topic to talk about because a lot of people view it as being selfish, but if I could make myself be attracted to my husband, I would. People don’t realize that it’s a feeling – not a choice.

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Jessica
April 29th, 2017 at 5:20 PM
Hi Sarah,
I couldn’t have said it better myself. It’s like a betrayal towards your own self. You can’t change it no matter how hard you try.
dietotaku
April 20th, 2017 at 4:45 PM
Is it possible that simply having kids you never really wanted can cause sexual aversion? I know I was never traumatized in childhood, I had a normal appetite for most of adulthood, but I’m in full-blown aversion territory now that I have 2 kids when my dating profile said “doesn’t want kids.” Why have them? Because I wanted to keep the man that wanted them. I thought he’d do most of the parenting. But my issues with him are causing an aversion to anyone – I don’t get crushes, I don’t notice attractive people, I don’t have naughty dreams about anyone.

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Jessica
April 29th, 2017 at 5:22 PM
Hi there,
I think it is fair to say that having kids when you didn’t want them could cause an aversion. I understand your choice to have them but I feel that the same would happen to me as well.
Are you still with your husband? Have you voiced your concerns/feelings to him?

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Beanice
April 29th, 2017 at 9:51 PM
OMG. I can not believe that I am not alone. I do not want to be touched, I do not want to have sex, I do not want to have anyone tell me anything about sex. I think that my problem comes from feeling guilty. I am not married with my boyfriend, we live together and I do not remember when was the last time we were intimate. I love him, but I am not in love with him. I have suggested for him to move to an apartment separate from me to see if we can have a better relationship. I feel that the trauma that I have had is that while we were living together, he cheated me with his ex. I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. I feel that sometimes it is best to let go. I feel trapped. I want out. Perhaps separating from the other is best so that they do not suffer. Some men all they think about is sex, sex, sex. There is much more than just sex. There is responsibility. I feel like I have to make all the decisions and I feel that my boyfriend is just looking for an easy life without worries while I have to think about how to pay the bills, what to eat, what to plan, how to manage working and maintaining a household while he has no worries. I was in love with him, but I fell out of love because my mind is continuously working and working and it gets on my nerves sometimes that he is relaxed, watching tv, while I have to beg him to cut the grass, take out the trash, pay some bills. Every month I go through the same thing, over and over and over. I feel that I no longer want to have sex because I am not in love anymore, even though I do love him but I am not in love with him. I believe that a man has to take care of the household finances, fixing up the place when things get broken down. Bottom line, I am disappointed and feel defrauded. I do not even want to kiss, hug, hold hands, have sex or even talk about sex. I believe that a person should not have sex with an individual without being married. I believe that I am working on my relationship with God. I feel that I do not want to ever have sex because I fear God’s punishment for this. Also, I feel that since I have had two marriages and two divorces, I feel like I need to work on my spirituality and salvation. I do believe it is just guilt. I feel dirty if I have sex because I wanted to be married and have a husband. Not a boyfriend. I am 51 years old. I should not have a boyfriend. I should have a husband or nothing at all. Ughhh. I do not know what to do. i do not want to hurt his feelings but I have asked for him to leave several times and he does not. I just want to sell my home then run as far as I can, by myself.

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Buttercupscomingup
January 29th, 2018 at 9:06 PM
Hey there. I can relate to a lot of your post. I want to tell you I was much like you and your age. I had almost the exact scenario. I decided to force my BF of 13 years leave and dive headfirst into my faith pleading with God to help me and pull me up out of the awful mire of that life and he DID! I was also able to get of antidepressants without him in my life. He was just like your boyfriend..a boy not a man. I , with repentance and Gods help built my life back up. Now i am married almost 5 years and very happy and thankful to God. You can do this if you desire. You need to tell your BF you arent going to live as married anymore and he must leave. He is using you for all the reasons you mentioned and getting a free ride leaving you without your peace and hurting your spiritual health. Remember, Men are supposed to be spiritual leaders of women and families and be wanting healthy relationships with God and living right. He is not interested in a marriage with you or even towing his own weight. Its your home!!!! You have the say as to what goes on there and with you. Find a good church to support you and make sure they are a solid by the book church like Calvary Chapel so you get the truth and not some weird cult. When you feel loved, valued, cared for and have a true life partner…your desire will return and you will build the relationship God outlines for us with a man. Maybe youll meet someone at church. But for not…kick that guy out even if you have to file eviction. If you have any family who will help you with the process call on them. But put your foot down and stick to it. But one more thing..the not in love statements…at the beginning of a relationship its easy to feel all giddy and in love…after time like a few years things settle down and you trade giddy in love feelings for steadfast solid true love. You can put in effort and bring back the in love feelings with your true love partner but its not automatic. Its a choice and takes effort. You dont do it with this guy because he doesnt deserve you. He makes you live a lie in your heart and carry all the weight. Please think about this. I will be praying for you. You will be fine. Dont settle anymore!

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Laura
May 3rd, 2017 at 9:19 AM
OMG!!! I thought I’m the only person in the world living this kind of life. I hate hate hate sex. Especially the foreplay. When my husband touches me I feel like I need to gasp for air. It takes me a good hour or so, crying in the bathroom, to calm down after having sex. I started avoiding my husband so he could not ask me for it. I feel so bad to say no. I even try to look less attractive to him. I hate coming too close to him. After I had my baby, when I was physically unable to have sex, I loved my husband like crazy!! Since we started doing it again I try to avoid him. I don’t enjoy deep conversations or sitting on the couch with him… I’m too afraid he will ask me for sex. I cannot believe more ppl have this issue. My life is hell right now!

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Lil Bit
May 13th, 2018 at 10:36 PM
Omg you sound like me.

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Melissa
May 5th, 2017 at 1:40 PM
I can’t believe there is actually a name for this. For myself.. I was fine having sex with my boyfriend of 7 years and had orgasms myself, but it all went downhill very quickly. Now, I feel full disgust when he touches me and when we have sex. I’m very confused by this, as I love him very much. Although, I must say that he has to have sex every other day. It’s just too much for me, and if I suggest every third day, he tries to make me feel guilty. Maybe it’s because, that instead of hugging me when he’s by me, he grabs my ass or breast instead. I find myself getting dressed very quickly because I know that if catches me naked, he’s going to come up to me and start grabbing my private parts. It makes me sick to my stomach to even just think about it. I only give him sex, because I’m not an idiot and know how men think and they have their “needs” . I know if I don’t give him sex.. he will get it elsewhere. He also talks about sex about 20 times a day. Everything I say, he manages to turn it into something sexual. It’s such a turn off to me. I want to want to have sex and be intimate, but it just makes me feel so disgusting. While I’m having sex and after, I feel dirty and sick to my stomach. But.. like I said, this all sort of came out of the blue. I never felt this way before. It makes me want to leave him, just so I won’t have to have sex or let anyone touch me anymore…

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TC
May 23rd, 2017 at 1:03 AM
I wish this has was the case with my situation. I have been married to my husband for over 6yrs now. He has said horrible things to me and it took a while to break me down but now/a lil while before, after anger set it, I did the same even when I promised myself I wouldn’t. We were HS sweethearts but went our separate ways and then yes later came back together again. Only thing now is, I felt I was manipulated..bc he said and acted liked he wanted the same very things I did. Actually, we were in complete sync. Our sex life was amazing, and we talked all the time, and never could imagine a mmoment apart from each other. We are a blended family and it was great for a while…but now for the last yr or so I have moved into another room. At first, he said…he didnt tell me to do that but we hadn’t had any kind of sexual intimacy even at that point for a long time. No, I haven’t gained weight and I am very interested and active and enjoy being intimate but he doesn’t have any desire. I have often wondered if there was someone else and even told him I would leave if he wanted. But he always says..he loves me and wants to be with me. How is this so? He never shows me any affection even when we are away from our kids…he never tries to DO…anything…and believe me, I have slept in the bed with him at hotels….and NOTHING happens at all…idk what to do anymore and I’m tired of being lonely and wanting someone to want me…

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Jessica
May 30th, 2017 at 1:14 PM
Hi TC,
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. As someone from the other side of the spectrum, I can tell you that it could possibly be something involuntary within himself. I, personally, love my partner very much – we are best friends and he is the best partner I could ask for – but my sexual drive/attraction to him has practically disappeared over a year or so.

I am starting to learn that sexual aversion can be a number of things, including an involuntary defense mechanism. It is hard to say what it could be for your husband, but it is worth looking into if you both love each other – and it seems like you do. Would he possibly go to therapy/counselling with you? It sounds like you could both benefit from opening up about it. You may even learn things about yourselves and each other that you never knew before.

One of the most important aspects of marriage is to work together when things are working out well. If you can’t be open and work as a team to ensure you are both happy, then there isn’t much of a point to staying together aside from financial help, children, etc. If you are with someone only for those reasons, a part of you dies a little inside.

I think that it would be beneficial to at least try talking to a professional – there are therapists specializing sex as well as couples counselling. It may be helpful for him to do some sessions on his own as well.

I wish you well. It is such a painful thing to happen.

Best,

Jessica

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Random_person
June 1st, 2017 at 3:02 AM
So … youre repelled if you feel nauseous, nervous or frozen that I can understand but you´r also repelled if you feel nothing???? You make it sound like “if it doesn´t elect a possitive feeling your repulsed”. If a heterosexual female doesn´t feel anything when she looks at another female, does that mean that she is repulsed by her? It doesn´t seem right to link `not feeling` something to `clearly negativ feelings`.

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Jessica
June 2nd, 2017 at 12:29 PM
Hi Random_Person,
I am not certain if you are replying to the entire article, or to a specific person in the thread, but I think that it is fair to related lack of attraction to negative feelings if sex is involved. If you are no/no longer attracted to a person, it can be a very negative experience to have sex with them.
To use your analogy, if a heterosexual female is not attracted to another female, that won’t necessarily relate to negative feelings. However, if that heterosexual female is put in a situation where she is expected to have a sexual experience with that other female, it could very well lead to negative feelings.

Hope this helps.
Jessica

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DVG
June 9th, 2017 at 2:25 AM
I am a married man who has been with my wife over 20 years and 16 of those have been mostly sexless (1x per year or less). I am reading these comments to try to understand my wife and her revulsion for me. I have to say that from what I am reading (at least people are being honest) I don’t see any hope for our marriage. I expect sex as part of a relationship. If you aren’t willing to do it then the only alternatives for your spouse is to also do without or get it elsewhere. I can’t go without so I guess that I have to get it elsewhere. The only question is whether I divorce my wife over it or have an affair. The comments about porn are… wow. You won’t sleep with your spouse and then you also complain they look at porn?! I came here seeking help but all I found was despair.

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CRYSTAL
June 9th, 2017 at 11:07 AM
Have you considered talking to your wife? Try to find out why she has issues with sex. Its possible she could need help . If the lack of sex is an issue talk to your wife if you can’t find a solution get a divorce unless she’s OK with you cheating on her.

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Melissa
June 9th, 2017 at 11:13 AM
As a female who has a boyfriend, I completely understand that a man has needs. I do get a feeling of disgusts while having sex, even though I love him, but I still do it and take care of him. I know that if I don’t, he will leave me or have an affair. In your situation, where your wife is not willing to make the sacrifice for you and your relationship, you should sit her down and tell her your feelings. Tell her that your needs are not being fulfilled and tell her that you need her to sacrifice some things in order for your relationship to remain. Also.. tell her that you are having thoughts of looking for sex elsewhere. I would say, as a female, I would not blame you if you have an affair if your wife will not fulfill your needs. It is a part of a healthy marriage. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. Please.. just make sure that you have this conversation with her first. That way she will know how your feeling and have an understanding of what may happen if she does not fulfill your needs, and hey, you never know, she may just give you the sex you need, or.. she will turn a blind eye and tolerate you being with another woman, as a lot of woman do. Just remember.. her undesire to have sex with you, has nothing to do with you. I imagine she loves you dearly. I know for myself, it is not just my boyfriend of 8 years, I don’t want to sex with anyone at all. Best wishes…

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Julie
June 28th, 2017 at 10:09 AM
Hi DVG,
There are a few things in your post that strike a nerve with me.
First: You came here to try and understand your wife and her revulsion of you.
If you listen to the commenters here, you will see that most of them don’t have a revulsion to their partner. They are experiencing an aversion toward sex. Two different things. Sex is an act. Partner is a person.
Second: You state that you expect sex as part of a relationship. I believe most people do. But, my question is, in regards to sex, what else are you EXPECTING from your wife?
Are some of the things you ask her to do repulsive to her? Does she equate sex with negative experiences?
Just somethings for you to think about.
Third: You state that if she’s not willing “to do it” , you will have to get “it” elsewhere. The way this is expressed makes me cringe. Those words sound like the preverbal message that I feel, might just be a contributing factor in some aversions: Men have sexual NEEDS. Wife’s responsibility is to provide those NEEDS. She has to be willing to just ” do it”. Well, If a woman tries to meet those needs….no matter what they are or how they are Expected to be expressed, without feeling like a ‘mutual partner’ engaging in a ‘mutually fulfilling’ expression of love, I would totally expect her to react negatively to providing for his NEEDS. I would expect her to become averse to “just doing it”.
I don’t know your situation at all. I’m only reacting to the words you put down. I’ve spent hours crying and trying to conjure up the courage to engage in sex. I cannot be touched sexually at all. I can touch him though. I remain sexual with my husband because he has not become resentful of my situation. He has also owned up to his contribution to my negative feelings toward sex. We have worked together to make sex as positive for me as we can. We do nothing that will set off triggers for me. I could never remain sexual if it weren’t for my husbands understanding and willingness to help.
I admire you sticking with your wife through all the years. I hope if you are willing to take on your situation with humility and patience, that she will be open to working with you on trying to find a way to make sex a more positive experience for her. My prayers to you both.
PS: Many of my beginning aversive feelings began with his wanting to try things he saw in Porn that totally turned my stomach. Sexual aversion does not happen in a vacuum.

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CRYSTAL
June 9th, 2017 at 1:24 PM
Melissa, as someone that has been dealing with this since puberty I can tell you from experience you are doing more harm then good by giving in to his urges. I understand men have needs but if he really cares he will help you through your aversion and not push you to do something you don’t want to . To have sex without a want to just to keep him there is only scaring you further and will do nothing for your mental health .To expect is x knowing what you deal with is almost rape. Sexual aversion can be treated with time and understanding. My husband and I went from non at all to once a week with therapy time and patients. My husband never once held it against me or told me he’d leave if I didn’t give it up. He made it work without cheating and without pushing me because that’s not how relationships work. I’m sorry you have to deal with all that but don’t sacrifice your mind for someone who doesn’t understand. One thing that helped was a book called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle.

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Moony
June 12th, 2017 at 1:59 AM
Woah… i am so glad there’s a name for it… i am recently married to one patient guy, we havent been able to have sex yet because this has become such a huge problem for me. i had no clue i even had this because he was my first serious relationship and we love each other a lot, everything’s perfect, i just freak out and grow so agitated about sex. i even prompted the topic to him before i said yes to marriage so he knew and was very ok with that… but our first anniversary’s coming up and we’ve still not got there yet. i’m getting nervous about that day and i can’t see a therapist atm. I guess i will have to look for some online advice…

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x
June 20th, 2017 at 7:46 AM
i live in southamerica in a country where the kind of therapy available does not cover this issue very well (psychoanalysis/psychodynamic therapy is very popular here and the issue of sexual aversion is not very known). could you please recommend some literature that i could get online so i could read about it? i feel i have this problem and i dont know how to even begin to get treatment for it. i’ve been to therapy and it hasnt been any help

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KC
July 12th, 2017 at 3:05 PM
It has become apparent that I suffer from this disorder. My issues are likely not going to go away. I know exactly what the problems are too. (1) my body took a beating from having children and I look gross naked. Men are jerks in this arena… especially when you did not give birth to their children. The limp dick syndrome is what that is. I was dumped more times than I would like to admit because of it. Regardless of what empowering “don’t care what he thinks, says or does” you throw at me, its bull, it does matter. (2) I have been date raped multiple times (5), I have had to light a man on fire to get him off of me, I have also had to put a cigarette out on a man because he wouldn’t let me go. My former husband married me because he felt bad for me and wanted “to do right by you, a single mom.” Well, guess what, I now won’t date, won’t let anyone touch me and I don’t want to. I get repulsed at the thought of it, I get tense and I want to scream and cry hysterically. My marriage was essentially sexless (because he wasn’t attracted to my deformed post baby body and he didn’t like me at all), it was like pity on me for him to even attempt bad sex with me. I was treated like I was as important and worthwhile as an old picture on the wall. My ex husband up and left over 6 years ago and I absolutely refuse to allow a man to pursue me…. they take one look at me and think I am picture perfect body underneath my clothes and I am anything but. I quote the Taylor Swift song: “darling I am a nightmare dressed like a daydream…” because I am. It doesn’t matter what you say, this is how men are… they are visually stimulated and when you look gross with saggy droopy stretched out skin and are covered in stretch marks, guess what, you become as attractive as medusa or the elephant man. i hate men right now. It is a challenge for me to be around men… I am always conscious of my flab, stretch marks, fat and I make sure that no man ever (and I mean EVER) gets me a drink unless it comes with an unopened lid/cap.. this ensures I will not be drugged. (I was drugged 3 out of the 5 times I was date raped… at least I don’t remember it, but I cannot begin to tell you how it feels to wake up 12-15 hours later somewhere and you don’t know how you got there and are completely naked. Men are Satan. I was once walking at night to a club when I was about 25 years old, I was clothed from my neck to my ankles (the illusion of me is the perfect body – size c breasts, little waist, the perfect hourglass) and then all of the sudden, I was surrounded by 6-7 very very drunk college idiots who then circled me like a pack of dogs (men are dogs – bastards) and they were all trying to grab at me, licking their chops, making comments and trying to lift up my shirt… I bulldozed it out of there and ran…. if I had not, I would have been gang raped in an alley … and this happened in an affluent area of town… one of the most expensive places in America to live.

In short, I doubt I will ever allow a man to touch me again. He would have to be the reincarnation of Dionysus.

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Melissa
July 12th, 2017 at 4:40 PM
Hi KC… I completely understand and can relate to every word you said. I myself have been rape multiple times. One actually resulted in a pregnancy, which I choose adoption.. for the sake of the child. Your right.. most men are just plain pigs. That is all they think about 24/7. Your also right that men are very visual, especially when having sex.. unlike women. I’m sorry that you have had such horrible experiences with men. It’s very sad… I wish more men where kinder and would think with their minds, rather then their di*ks. As for your perception on your body image, many women can definitely relate and still have an amazing relationship with a man. I would just like to throw in there, that I have seen many women that most would consider less attractive, but in my perception, if they were confident, they were beautiful. I remember one time, when I used to waitress and this girl came up to the register. She was not your ideal “beautiful woman”, but she just seemed so attractive to me. She had a big belly hanging out of her crop top, with stretch marks and all., but the way she carried herself.. she walked confident and talked confident.. I just looked at her in awe. She was beautiful in my eye’s. Listen.. you don’t ever have to have sex again.. that’s okay. I DO think that it would be benefical to practice positive self talk. I myself use to feel embarrased of my body and just not confident in anything I did. I learned how to think positive and have confidence.. It took some time, but I now love myself and my body. I stood in front of my mirror a few times a day and told myself how beautiful I was and that I love my body, love myself, could accomplish anything I wanted to..ect.. Well.. you know what happened? I actually started to believe it! Every time you catch yourself thinking something negative, stop that thought and intentionally think of a positive thought to replace it. It will take some time, but eventually you will reprogram your brain to just think positive thoughts. It really does work.. Hey.. and don’t learn to love your body for men.. do it for yourself. Oh.. and who knows.. you may just find one of the few amazing men that are out there, that will love you, for you.. stretch marks and all!

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KC
July 13th, 2017 at 9:50 AM
Thank you Melissa for your insightful and honest response. Thank you for sharing your strife as well. It’s comforting to know that there are other women out there who are in a similar boat. Though I think most responses here are issues with marriage and not from repeated abuse… the abuse coming from someone you know… as is most often the case. I know that many people out there experience a generous amount of the good stuff that a loving relationship has to offer, and it is here where that fails in my life. Months ago I had my birth chart done in astrology and I saw a maelific planetary placement in my chart… a placement that brings only pain and suffering, the darkness and evil of relationships. It is here that my resolve strengthened… I am literally not meant for a good relationship. Every relationship I have ever had was exactly as stated in this unfortunate placement…. even down to strained and negative relationships with male family members. My father for instance, though he was there, he was absent. He didn’t want to be bothered, he was too busy or he was traveling most of the time. I was always brushed aside. My brother was horrible and to this day he hates me because he was jealous of me. It’s been nearly 20 years since I last saw from him, and about 15 years since I have heard from him. I am trying to work out the strained relationship with my son – he has some mental health issues and he too took advantage of me as far as my giving nature – but that is because he is a man and the masculine energy is now contaminated and men are predators. Though, after more thought I realize that the vulnerable ages of women to get raped are teenage through 28. Though I know that after men mature, their predatory ways lessen, just when I think that I have met a “good guy”, it always seems to be proven that the man is in fact a lying, cheating sexual predator. Case in point, I am an artist. I contacted a friend of a friend who I knew was a model… like he was on billboards…. his face and body frame were a perfect match for the character portrayal. I had researched him before hand on facebook and felt at ease because he was newly married (about 1.5 years) and his wife was incredibly beautiful. That jerk took it as I was just wanted sex and pursued me sexually. He did not know that I knew he had a wife. As the old saying goes: this is but one of many stories I have to tell….
As far as my body image goes, I have been trying to get over it for decades (my oldest is 22), I just can’t seem to. It is easier for me to not be bothered by it and to like myself more in that respect because I am alone and there is only my judgment. Though I can look at myself naked in the mirror now and “accept” it, releasing any blame I may have assigned to myself… there isn’t anything I can do about it and the only way I could have stopped it was for someone to tell me that I would be scarred and physically damaged by it, then I would have not had children at all. yes, it bothered me that much. One of the things I would go back and redo is to stay away from males at all costs, until I was at the minimum 26 years old and to pursue my art with full focus, attention and energy instead. I would not place any value or importance on being in love with another until after having experienced life to the fullest first.

In part of my trying to reprogram my thoughts, I am going to decline my first instinct of denigrating men and relationships and instead say: I guess crazier things have happened… I guess if GOD intervened and the man made the earth move…. oh shoot hahahah, there aren’t any men out there like that…. its a freaking fantasy… your optimism on amazing men out there …. like I said, I have this planetary influence that only brings me super bad relationships….. it appears that I am being punished this lifetime…. I must have been a a malicious maniacal rapist or something in a past life because this stuff that’s happened to me is karma from a past life. I am just praying that its over…. i know it is if I keep to myself. It is insanity to keep attempting the same thing…. for me, that insanity is that I could ever be in a truly loving relationship that didn’t bring abusive harm. The stretch marks and messed up skin from having babies is only a small portion of the issue… its really just gravy…. the real heart of the matter runs far deeper. The scars just make it easier for me to keep to myself… its a socially accepted excuse. Like I have told therapists… I know exactly what my issues are, how they came to be and what it will take in a normal situation to overcome/move past it. And yet, even in this knowing, i just can’t seem to get over it…. perhaps I am not supposed to and I am this way to make it easier for me to make amends with my past life karma that has so tortured me this life time. Dear Universe and those to whom I must have tortured in a past lifetime(s). I.AM.SORRY.

It feels good to share. Thanks for reading and listening with your eyes & mind. it makes me feel lighter.

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Calli
July 17th, 2017 at 7:51 AM
I wanted many times to have a sex life with my husband and even offered it as a reward in 2001 if he removed his bid for a new job and shift and let four younger seniority have the new department, shift, and plant. I was offering to keep any one from being hurt when he took that position, Mainly him and me. II was on my knees offering everything his father and the then county commissioner said they would let him do if he just stayed put for two weeks and let men with eight to 13 years less seniority have the positions. To keep the peace my husband would have had the opportunity to pick another position in two weeks, I offered myself, Any vacation he wanted and the holidays without interference about his not working from any one> HE howevere told me that the last 20 years he had never seen any one esp[ecialy me keep thier word or le4t him have what he had earned, He said he was tired of the Nickname monk and the jabs that I had been with other men while he remained celebet. That he had not had a vacation or day off since 1981 without me standing there crying did he really have to have that time off, job, or shift because somebody else needed it. He said take his pi** father and my tramp self and pick a semi to step in front of and let him out from under the guardianship so he could have a life other than work. And he stomped out the door after that flat refusal. The next morning what I thought would happen did, I ended up with a broken ankle. after my husband kicked the front door in on top of me, and he was not hurt but four young men were laying in the street, yard and front porch dying. The man my husband found I had a fling with a year and a half before when we went to Bavaria was hurt very badly coughing blood where his ribs had penetrated inti the paricarduim sack. My husband had been trained in two services in combat arts those young men walked into a buzz saw without warning. My husband said why warn them that would not have been fun for him.

Everything tried to get my husband to consider his wants and needs were not ours or the communities. From 2001 to now its been hell on earth trying to get him to be4 a nice person about any thing.
IN 2009 to let a young man have a honey moon with his 4 month pregnant bride, me and his father canceled his trip on the orient express and set up his first vacation since 1976 to Start on January the second with a 5 week vacation In St Croix He was so mad another vacation to Eyuurope was canceled or not aloowed, he dislocated my shoulder getting the refund backi from me I was going to give back at Christmas, then seven men TSA, His brother in law and his union Minister and steward had to stop him from killing his father strangling him to death over a lousy vacation. I know we could not forsee the future and should have let him have his times over the three decades because he contracted MRSA in his Spine before st Croix. It was something we had not considered. Crape Dieum Or seize the day. my husband will not coinsider any one now. The other day I told him he could not tell a friend that if they got within a mile of outr home they would be shot, I was trying to get him to let go of his riffle, He did and I broke my hip and he took his riffle to the gate to enforce what he had said. He did not hit me he just let go as I tugged and I went over backwards.

My friend did not get past the gate at the end of the drive. I don’t refuse sex now like I did until 2013, after he became angry I was going out for a dinner event, Told me I was not going to appear at said dinner with his father mother and on the arm of his fathers best friend unless I went nude not in a dress his pay paid for I was not going..

I cry at after his mother and father died, nobody can get him to let me do anything if he’s paying for it on my own. Most of my friends detest my husband and he calls them the bunch from hades. So the feelings mutual. If I had known that a man would feel so much hate and despise everyone for making him see to their needs before his. I would have never married.

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JEWEL
July 19th, 2017 at 1:05 PM
I LOST MY FLAME ABOUT 3 YEARS AGO AND I NEVER RECOOPED. AFTER THAT I NEVER WANTED TO HAVE SEX ANYMORE. STILL DON’T. NOBODY IS DESIRABLE TO ME ANYMORE AND REALLY DON’T CARE TO KNOW SOMEONE NEW. THE WAY I LOST HIM WAS FUCKED UP BASED ON RUMORS AND LIES. HEARTBROKEN MAYBE BUT I DON’T WANT TO FEEL ANYTHING THAT RELATES TO LOVE INCLUDING SEX. I DONT WANT TO TRY AGAIN BECAUSE I REFUSE TO FEEL THE PAIN FROM LOVE AGAIN. SEX REMINDS ME OF LOVE. IM NOT ONE OF THE ONES WHO CAN DISASSOCIATE LUST AND LOVE SO I JUST DON’T. IM LOVELESS AND BITTER AND DONT CARE TO TRY AGAIN.

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KC
July 19th, 2017 at 4:23 PM
Jewel ~ i totally get where you are coming from. Too many broken hearts, one just can’t bear another… may not survive. Over time, when something is bad for us or hurts, our bodies and minds reject it…giving us adverse reactions so we stay away from it. Celibacy is wonderful – it is stress free, drama free and pain free. Of course, you become the third-wheel to your married/ coupled friends and become an outcast…. so there’s that awesomeness to look forward to. And then there’s all of the friends who will dump you because you are so negative about everything… been there and done that too. My suggestion before you get consumed in hatred (I was that too), go back to doing the sh#t you loved when you were 6 years old…. play. I began ice skating lessons, coloring in kids coloring books… expand your physical activity (workout, it helps to get over the emptiness and bitterness) and throw yourself into art. Relationships are not for everyone… they are currently not for me… haven’t been for a super long time. My ex walked out on me over 6 years ago…. I have been through a lot of ups and downs and inside outs….. I myself am much happier single. I have realized that I like the freedom of being single and celibate…. no one but me hurts me and I chose to not hurt myself so this works out great. I always do what I want to do, when I want, don’t have a feeble man around who is just like another f$cking kid to take care of…. I see the movie I want to see, I eat where i want to eat, I don’t drag myself to backyard bbqs with the drunkards….. I highly recommend improving yourself – get over the bitterness …. a love life is overrated for a lot of people, me included. I don’t know if that will ever change. I know one thing for sure, I am tired of my negative reaction to men and my perspective and attitude about love and relationships. It will make you sick internally and f#ck up your world. So, I decided that, though I know I don’t need to be in a relationship nor want to be (currently for the past 6+ years), that I need to release the pain from myself – it does hold you back whether you want to admit it or not – and I am now seeing a doctor – my therapy: reiki, chakra balancing and accupuncture. You see, my ill-gotten relationships of my life made me physically ill and manifested in a disease…. a disease which can be cured. I refuse to let the past keep me prisoner… who knows, maybe after my past severe trauma and fixing my alchemical cosmic energy, the love of my life will show up, “I have been waiting for this moment…..”

Maybe you can get to this place too – the healing and purging the negative energy stored in your body (if you don’t believe it, listen to your thoughts and reactions to men and love) . It is far better than living like you do… I know this…. I have been you.

xoxoxox

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Callie
September 6th, 2017 at 6:46 PM
My husband was not able to divorce me in 1989, The state had assigned a guardian ship when he came home from the navy’s Submarine service where he had just completed three and a half years under water without leave and R and R. I felt guilty about what his father said had to happen on his return home when We did not let him take the 30 days to return to His UAW job after discharge, His father was hoping to drive him back into the military. But When he came home he was tired, seasick and wanting a non isolated duty.

But When many voiced their concerns about his seniority coming home and resuming his position with more than 60 percent of the work force and 152 other military returnees were coming back with the same or a little less. I could see the problems this would cause in the community. His father told me to stay out of sight the first week he was home or the plan he had to force my husband back to the service would fail. So The first day my husbands mother had to stop him from chasing his father down and hurting him for setting up the apointment with HR to reinstate without his say so She thought they would wait two weeks to Reinstate him but they put him on seconds that day for a 12 hour shift, He was again met by the same note as the day before to take the sofa and leave me alone. Then 45 minutes latter WW3 broke out in the living room His mother was begging please don’t hurt your father please some body help. His sister, youngest brother and I
I rushed out to this scene. My husband had his father trapped one handed against the ceiling telling him if i was not standing beside him in two minutes he was going to use his dead body as a wreaking bar to tear bulkheads out until i appeared, I had to tell him to drop his father and i would go home hiuunting with him. He just about threw him out the front door telling his father that one day he would go to far anfd push him more than he should have. Eventually My refusal of sex and being held in the marriage by a Guardianship Ended in 2013 with him forcing me into sex, The attempt to keep him from his seniority rights both by legal means and force ended with over 35 men badly hurt. My husband so depressed in 2009 over no sex and no time off in 28 years He developed MRSA in his spine crippling him. Even after three strokes, Loosing all nerve impulse in his legs He still Is considered one of the most deadly people to cross. If you interfere with him and what he wants to do now you will end up badly broken I saw him fracture one mans scull with his cane when that man swept his cane putting him on the floor then asking how had i ever ended up with that looser. Two weeks latter it was my time to pay for the broken promises of 31 years When he took me to the floor and had his way as I begged couldn’t we try and work things out over time. He said I had 31 years of his time I was out of mine. And everyone else was to. I have seen him tell a friend reaching for his sidearm, Go ahead be stupid and pull it He would clean his brains off the wall after his 30 30 put a round through his head. Nobody can get him to back off any thing now that he decided he going to do.
Tisconi
July 21st, 2017 at 8:12 PM
My wife and I have been married for 6 year monday. she has been going through this problem for 8 years now she says she doesnt even love me anymore as a sexual partner/ romantic partner. I am in love with my wife so much but I dont know what to do anymore all i feel is being pushed away and it has put me in depression so what should I do. I do not want to lose my wife how do i get her back any ideas.

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Matt
July 22nd, 2017 at 9:41 AM
Tisconi,
Has your wife stated that she only does not want YOU as a romantic partner or that she doesn’t want ANYONE? This is an important distinction.
My wife and i have a very similar situation, so I can relate. I think it is very important to find out which of the two it is though.

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Tisconi
July 23rd, 2017 at 2:31 AM
My wife has told me she does not want anyone right now and nothing i am doing is making her happy
Melissa W.
July 23rd, 2017 at 8:28 AM
Not being in love with someone anymore and not having a feeling of making love with someone you do love, are two completely different situations. In sexual aversion, she would still love you, but does not have the desire to have sex, or maybe even to not be touched at all, by you or by anyone else. I would sit down and have a conversation with her on the way she is feeling… just for clarification.

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Matt
July 23rd, 2017 at 1:47 PM
I agree with you Melissa. The best thing is to communicate and empathize as much as possible. One thing that I have discovered however, in our case anyway, is that it can be very embarrassing for the person suffering from the aversion. They may not want to talk about it as it can make them feel as though there is something wrong with them.
I am pretty sure that is the case with my wife. The counselor we are seeing has told me so in private sessions and emphasized that I will need to be patient and let her come to that understanding in her own time, without pressure from me. I know. Easier said than done, but that is all I have right now and I love her enough to wait… as long as it takes.
Perhaps this is the question you need to ask of yourself. There is no wrong answer, just your answer.

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Melissa W.
July 24th, 2017 at 7:32 AM
Yes.. your completely right in that it can make one feel embarrassed of this condition. I can relate to every word you said, as I never even explained this condition with my significant other. I just tell him that I love him and want to be with him, but that I’m just not feeling any sexual desires. I am embarrassed about the way I feel and it makes me feel like there is something really wrong with me and that no one else would understand. So, yes, one can definitely have trouble opening up about this. It is very hard to explain something that, unless the other person has experienced it for themselves, you believe that there is no way they can comprehend. It’s scary to not have any sexual desire, as it makes me feel very awkward and different. I’m so scared about my feelings, that I have sex with him anyway, just so he doesn’t feel like I don’t love him and also because I know a man, as well as women, have needs, and I would be scared he would leave me if I didn’t take care of these needs. Oh course, I know I am putting myself in a very venerable situation and may even be making this condition worse for myself. So, you, having patience with your wife, is a very admirable act. To be honest.. I don’t know many men that would be willing to be so patient with their significant others, so your a breath of fresh air! You seem like an amazing man and your wife is very lucky to have you by her side. I’m sure she realizes this, and appreciates this. Best wishes to the both of you..
Melissa W.
July 23rd, 2017 at 11:54 AM
I would say that If she say’s that she still loves you.. then perhaps she is just going through a period of depression right now. Depression could make someone feel like their not happy about anything. If she says that she does not love you anymore.. then it may be time to think about moving on. I’m sorry you are in this situation right now. Try to stay strong for you and your wife.. Best wishes..

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Justme
September 1st, 2017 at 4:42 AM
I get this and have no idea why or what causes it. No way I could be in a relationship not that I can imagine anyway. I read some of the article and some of the comments but for me its too hard to even read about this kind of stuff. Extreme reaction, like what panic attacks do. Heart rate up, disgust, vile, its so horrible to think about and just so so dirty and yuck. Makes me feel suicidal and that can happen just from people talking about sexual stuff without it even being flirtatious. Or from just reading about it. Sucks to see there are women pushing themselves to service their partners needs and enduring this shit, that is so heartbreaking. I don’t know what to make of it, there’s no explanation its not normal and its just freakish and makes me feel so separate from society. And just so disgusted, like you cant get clean on the outside or the inside it just sucks

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Jo
September 6th, 2017 at 1:10 AM
I think it could be an issue of energy exchanges between partners. I’ve had this before with someone I loved very much, but once he revealed disappointment that he didn’t get sex from me, as if I owe this to him or he is somehow entitled, this is where the repulsion kicked in. And repulsion is the perfect word. It was tragic to witness, as I could tell there was no turning back and I did not want to feel this way towards him, and other than this, we were a match made in heaven. Heartbreaking. Once one sees someone behave in such a way, and the feeling of that, it’s repulsive. It may be some of us are just way too sensitive to this. I thought of it like “energy alchemy,” like the right elements have to be there and once that energy of showing disappointment (negativity) or entitlement entered into the realm, the chemistry was ruined. Human energy exchanges are something we don’t know much about or know how to talk about due to a lack of proper terms or understandings of these ineffable states and exchanges. Some of us may be very, very sensitive to this. I wonder if many who feel this way towards sex would also consider themselves empaths.
I do now enjoy sexual interaction with someone because I experience him as balanced and respectful, and it’s all about his energy and that he never would “take” from me. I could theorize that he is also an “empath” and can tune into me and would never push if it wasn’t welcomed, and it’s just flows with ease, regardless of if sexual pleasure or a simple hug or snuggling takes place. (I use the word “empath” for convenience, as I do not know a better word to use to describe the sensitive state of being I am speaking of.) Perhaps sex for reasons other than respect and love, is actually repulsive. I do think from someone like this is rare to come by, as most men I have known are just terrible turn offs with the fit throwing and tantrums if they don’t get what they want. It really is gross.

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Sophie
September 6th, 2017 at 9:42 AM
Jo, you hit the nail on the head for me. I would consider myself an empath or a highly sensitive person and I do think energy exchange is a big part of it. It’s also something that isn’t widely talked about nor understood. The minute that a sexual encounter feels expected, even if the person doesn’t mean for it to come across that way, I completely shut down on all levels. I also grew up knowing that my father put a lot of pressure on my mother sexually and that made me extra sensitive to being used sexually, instead of being treated as an equal partner with sex being the natural outcome of that love. For highly sensitive people especially, sex isn’t just purely physical, it’s also emotional, mental, and even spiritual.

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Calli
September 23rd, 2017 at 6:08 AM
My husband pressured me for 31 years: It was if I allowed sex the flood gates would open on everything else he wanted in his life and people would get hurt in the process if I allowed what he wanted. Two years after his return from the Navy he had had enough of me, I had just stepped off the plane after a vacation with the rest of his family and many friends from Rome> He was waiting armed with the promise I had made to get him to stay and work for two younger seniority, So they could go to Rome and marry. I had agreed to go wherever, whenever and however he wanted a vacation of his own after our return. I would allow a sex life, be a willing travel companion and let him decide what he would do with his High seniority as he wanted without a word.

My foot was not off the aircraft ten minutes when we discovered he was going to set back the vacation schedual’s for hundreds because he wanted his three weeks the day I flew in. Just for a three week Road trip without any particular destination west in mind. I was dreaming of making an offer of a midwinter vacation to someplace like Hawaii, Barbadoes, The Caymans. A nice beach resort for three weeks with the money he had saved we could well afford such a vacation. He ho0wever had already reseached that time and discovered it would take an act of god to get a vacation any place like I dreamed. So we even started suggesting he could drive someplace like Vegas southern California, Florida, Padre Island Texas. He looked at me and said feel free he was not ice skating someplace just barely warmer in mid winter than the mid west. He was not going to risk stranding someplace on the road in a winter storm without any vacancies except maybe an emergency shelter in some gym.
There was just nothing we could suggest that was a compromise he would accept even just staying home and resting those three weeks was not acceptable to him.

I was pushed onto a bus 40 minutes after flying in from Rome. being sent back to my mothers with he did not need a useless wife who did not stand with him.
We have tried for three decades now to get him to see that he owed to the community and social order, That they had needs greater than his he had to at least aknowledge. HE Ended up aknowlegding those needs leaving a bloody trial of broken people when they interfered with him
Hezza
August 18th, 2019 at 2:42 PM
Yes. This is spot on. Thank you for posting JO..

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Wynn
September 24th, 2017 at 12:18 AM
Life in my earlier years was passionate and active in the sex world. Now 57 life has promoted menopause and left much of what inspired earlier in life awash. New relationship with a gentleman whom my heart leapt and skipped a beat for. Moved too fast with his needs to move in with him. He was 10 years my senior. Are commonalities were sparse, he drank spirits nightly and smoked heavily. His deceased wife prior to me was subservient to his needs. I had been independent through my life as I raised my children on my own before I decided dating was a possibility. Menopause promoted uncertain new surprises and swept my sexual senses to the open seas, farewell. I detested the pleasures slowly, was plagued with anxiouty to the point of wanting to walk off a cliff. My partner unhappy and unsatisfied was brewing heavily since his needs weren’t met. Not really understanding my condition or supporting he challenged to control me and manipulate his desires. I fleed twice only to be swooned into his wanting me back into his home. I was a plug to even think of going back into his world. Sexual adversion deepened, his touch repulsed me as he subjectively would grab my privates or a breast publicly or home. After repetitively insuring him this was not right, he continued to do so. Is this not some form abuse? I’d say so. Gets challenging when love rants over the problem. As I know and feel he wants to be the dominator over all I do. It is my score to remove my self from a relationship that will never be understood from someone whom is set in their ways. I love him so, but health is the heartbeat to our paths of life. We make choices and break them and pay for them. I choose to heal in my own way. Sexual adversion is to be understood by a person whom is dedicated to their partner, not used against.

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Ram
October 12th, 2017 at 7:47 AM
So I have a girlfriend and we have been dating for several years now, and she admitted that she doesn’t like to be touched at all, in no ways. And she hasn’t experienced traume. And I think that there should be a sort of solution for us to be satisfied but she says she’ll never change, and I dont know what to do honestly

– Ramona

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Billy
October 15th, 2017 at 10:27 PM
I find it really weird that this is seen as a disorder. I find sex disgusting. The smells and the fluids etc are repulsive. It reminds me of some alien movie or something of some weird species infecting someone. Sticking their filthy fleshy probes and squirting the toxins. It’s just gross and more and more people are doing even more disgusting things now like rimming for example. It’s become normal. What’s the point of putting all that time and energy into this ritual for a tiny moment of pleasure that feels like a sneeze. There is no satisfaction in it whatsoever.

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Matt
October 16th, 2017 at 11:00 AM
Sorry you feel that way. Each to their own.

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vee
October 18th, 2017 at 10:16 AM
i have a boyfriend who does not want to be touched, he feels irritated whenever i touch him. What do you think is wrong with him? My problem is that he was not this way before

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Matt
October 18th, 2017 at 12:14 PM
Did something happen? Was he hurt? Did some sort of traumatic even occur?

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Melissa W.
October 18th, 2017 at 1:39 PM
I wasn’t always like this either.. Mine came on all of the sudden during intercourse one day. A strong feeling of disgust came over me and it just stuck with me after that. So, I would say that there is always a possibility that nothing caused it or perhaps something from his past that is dwelling in his mind all of the sudden? Did you ask him why he feels this way?

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Matt
October 19th, 2017 at 6:22 AM
Melissa, I would really like to talk to you. I know that is unusual but I would. Is that something you would ever consider?
jenn
December 12th, 2017 at 11:09 PM
I have a fear or aversion to sperm and sweat. It is so bad that I actually threw up after they guy I am seeing ejaculated on me. We tried it again where I just jacked him off but I still got queasy when I came in contact with his cum. I really like this guy and don’t know how to solve this problem. I have sense that there was some sort of sexual abuse, but I also picked up shame about sex from my mom. I am also I highly sensitive person so that may play a role in it as well.

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Randy
March 17th, 2018 at 3:02 AM
In my own life I have found healing by treating my aversion as an addiction. An addiction is a compulsion to do something and an aversion is a compulsion to not do something. Then I discovered that sex and love addicts anonymous (a 12 step program) deals with sexual aversion very effectively.

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Sexless Sam
March 17th, 2018 at 10:38 AM
I have suffered from situational intimacy anxiety since I started having sex as a teen. This anxiety which is often unconscious, manifests itself in an inability to orgasm or, more often and inability to get an hold an erection. I do not suffer from these problems when having sex with a woman for the first time, or when having paid sex or when I masturbate alone. Only within a relationship does my body shut down sexually and I am unable to perform. It has meant a very lonely life indeed as women are not interested in a man who cannot have sex with them more than once.

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isis56
March 19th, 2018 at 5:27 PM
Sam that was not my or my husbands problem, his problem was when he came back to the transmission plant from his military leave, under the UAW contract he was coming home with his honorable discharge from the navy he was getting his full seniority that he would have received just like he had never left and his father and others felt this was very unfair. They felt yes he should get a job from the corporation but he should start as a probate if they could not get him to reenlist in one of the military services. Wefelt that with his knowledge of submarine and strategic weapons operations the navy would have been the place fo o back to. We did not know for a year he would not be allowed to reenlist due to the way his mental attitude had developed when he was mostly under watrer for three and a half years The navy even apologized for the wayhe sliped through the regs requiring a certain amount of time without being on patrol. The final straw was when he was awakened at 6am on a Monday morning not to see his rack again until after his collapse at 1500 Saturday evening. The navy Doctors said extreme exhaustion and sleep deprivation causing a condition resembling extrem psycosis and paranoia. His last patrol was waivered to get him to go on it, but I had no idea at that time why we were notified he was ok after we had not heard directly from him in nearly three years except for trying to talk him into reenlisting seven months before over a Thanksgiving meal on his boat before he was flown to another boat on the west coast leaving on patrol, another time to replace a drug bust.
We ailed in total to get him to reenlist at that time. I went to his fathers after my mother bought me to Charelston SC to catch the bus to Kings bay with the rest of the wives going. I was lectured by the ombudsman that I was not to discuss any thing but reenlisting. I left with his mother, and brother driving my husbands blazer to the mid west, he was getting post patrol leave and R and R as my husband went to Banger Washington. it was the refit after that that my husband was diagnosed.
When he discharged in may 1985. Things did not work out as he expected in Charelston, he expected to find me there, not get a key from the ombudsman and told I was in the mid west at his fathers, for four days he took the exams for proficiency in his rate, took the final discharge exams in medical, Arranged for the pickup of the storage area the apartment furnishings and my things were stored to be sent back to where we were going to live. got his final pays and found out he was being paid as a second class the last six months and was frocked to second class nine months before. Found out I had not received his pay and allowances for seven months when he received 16000 in final pays, plus 1300 in travel pay which he took 800 and applied it to a flight home. Recieved his discharge orders giving him five days liberty until his discharge went into effect. made his final sign out of his command at group at midnight the 26th of May he thentook the rental back to avis and was in the airport bar with a coke saying goodby to his crewmates and trother who had extended to go to Kittery Main with his fiancé. to marry a year in the future . The firstthings started going wrong that morning when he and several other military were told by the boarding agent that she did not care whsat military orders they were trsavelling under she had several local and state vips goingto the 500 racee on that flight that needed the seats so they were going to have to arrange to wait a few days for another flight. It took an Airforce transportation officer to get transport arranged for the others and my hgusbandwashanded2400 and the return of a rental car as well as his temporary military drivers licsence extendred until he could get anew one when he arrived home. he arrived at 4 am on the 28th to no greeting from me but a note on his fathers door to take the sofa and leave me alone. The next morning his father was all over him to reenste since he wanted out so badly. I heard his mother beg to please keep the peace she did not need a murder his first day home.

My husband got in again at 4am the next morning even more tired and angry when his father again yanked him up. This time my husband threatened to use his fathers corpse as a wreaking bar if I was notin front of him the next two minutes or he was told where I was at and with whom so I would get my walking papers.I had tyo get my husband to let his father down from where he had him trapped against the ceiling In the living room. Th next day I was telling him for the first two years he was home there would be no sex and after that we could start our marriage in peace in the community but he could not disrupt the lives of those threre just walking through the door ftrom the navy.

Its been 36 years now trying to get compromises to let him have what he wanted and let the community have their needs met. So far its beemn one persom badly mauled by my husband for each of those years for interfering wqith him and those rights he earned. > in 2009 he threw me across a conference roomafter telling him that it was the last time we would stop him from taking a vacation as he saw fit I was crying that we had given him offers of the mid winter time and if hje would have just availed himself of that offer any time in the last 24 years. used something that resembled diplomacy instead of use his fists to get people off his back, we could have had a fair and equitable marriage as far back as 1987. When I came home from the vacation to Rome If he had not tried to force his will on the community for his own vacation and just waited until the January time we had selected for him to take a vacation with me. Instead of forcing his time for one that summer I lived at my mother the next two year while my husband father got him put under a court order requiring him to go to the court for his vacation request which for the next 13 years was never granted In 2000 hedecided he did not care what the court bwas going to or not going tio grant he was going to Bavareria with me over the milliniall holiday after the most horrible argument and my offer when we returned we would see to it he got time out of the plant He did not have to defy the court and the community over the holiday we would talk things through after the new century and try and find ways to go some place nice, If you have every heard the way a sailor can make you feel less than an inch tall it was one of those times He flattened the first two deputies that showed up to take him into custody then the next two caught him chasing his father around and two other men who tried to restrain him and they tassed him to his knees’s. They had not mirandized him or read a statement of charges to take him to jail, and till the second of janurary when an ACLU/ lawyer showed up with a write of habeus corpus Filed a 150 million dollar lawsuit and the union got the court order removed and started an investigation into the judges tenure that landed him in prison the county made my husband off limits to the legal system there and the next nine years was total chaos and intimidation with my husband using his fists to stop it all until he through me across that conference room and tried to murder his father, because we canceled him from the orient express without his permission, in 24 years I had offered ways for a peaceful life using other options available all were refused until he became ill with mrsa in his spine later in 2009, its now 9 years later and he.s still not trying to see things our way he’s in our room right now I asked him to stay there until I can talk to my friend, the wife my husband broke all of his teeth out because he laid his hands in anger on my husband, hes filed charges against him mostly because he was trying to push him into boarding the next flight back to home. the incident ruined her and her husbands time here and they don’t know why he could not just meet me here in two weeks instead of just be a jerk about coming.

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singleisdaway
May 31st, 2018 at 8:32 PM
stay single! seriously. this day and age, and all the female narcissism..stay single.

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Matthew
June 1st, 2018 at 7:58 AM
You’re absolutely right. Be careful. Look for the signs. DON”T GET MARRIED!!

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Bellamy
February 21st, 2019 at 8:50 PM
Narcissists come in both male and female form, and both should not be anywhere near a relationship.

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Anonymous guy
July 6th, 2018 at 5:40 PM
I’m a younger guy, who embarassingly, has not had many sexual encounters. Well, there have been plenty of opportunties. I just always blow them, because the thought of someone wanting to have sex just sends my anxiety through the roof. And later, I fantasize about what could have/should have been, yet continue to miss these opportunities. It’s making me sick. I was never sexually abused, but did suffer a ton of verbal abuse throughout childhood. I guess it all boils down to extreme insecurity. You’d think if I was wanting sex bad enough that I could just push this anxiety aside, but I can’t! I also realized that I’ve alway tried to hide my erections or make them go away, because I was afraid the women would be repulsed. Now I’m understanding it’s not a bad thing, and can be a compliment. It’s still uncomfortable for me, though. I have to find a way to overcome this. I am progressing I feel. I’m able to flirt enough to almost get to the point of sex, but when the opportunity arrives, I shy away. AHHHHH! What’s wrong with me?

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Jake
September 17th, 2018 at 9:29 AM
Hi all,
I wanted to post a question as to whether anyone is aware of or can recommend a great therapist or sexologist (anywhere in the US) who has helped a couple navigate this issue, where the aversion (if that’s what it is — I’m not trying to make a clinical judgment) occurs with the female half of a male-female couple. I’ll leave out the details here except to say that we’re a married male/female couple with a couple of kids, and are looking for help on what appears to be an inexplicable sexual trauma response on my wife’s part that arose after our second child was born, and that is specific only to me. (We’ve periodically had an open relationship, and she hasn’t had this response with other lovers.) The response is indeed trauma-like — shivering, fear, pain — not merely lack of interest.

We’re looking for help. If anyone knows of a great therapist who has helped on these issues, please post here. Thank you!

Jake

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Anonymous
November 28th, 2018 at 9:37 PM
Many of the people in these comments mention how they grew into the aversion. I’m very confused about myself, because I am in my early 20’s, and it’s not that I’ve grown into sexual aversion….but that it’s an on-and-off type of thing for me. Some days I’m not bothered, some days I’m horny, but most days, the mere suggestion of something sexual or even an innuendo causes me great distress. I wish I knew why, it effects my mental illness negatively

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Ecca
June 3rd, 2019 at 8:24 PM
Or, maybe they could be Asexual or Demisexual.

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Violet
June 16th, 2019 at 5:27 AM
I’m an older female and have noticed that thru the years I have discovered that I never really cared about sex much. I was able to be aroused and have really good sex, but I never saught it out. It was always a “here we go again” with the sex thing. I now know that I not only don’t care about sex but that I’ve always found the human body to be kind of silly looking and at times a real turnoff. I once went to a clothes optional hot springs and went along with all the nakedness but I was thinking the whole time “best to leave your clothes on, folks”. So much emphasis is put on sex in our society. As though I’m not normal if I don’t seek out great sex. It’s difficult to get excited when you feel it’s forced or the appearance of a body is a turnoff!

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Sharon
August 8th, 2019 at 11:52 AM
I live in ventura ca and desperately need the name of a therapist that can help fiances trauma related sexual aversion

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The GoodTherapy Team
August 9th, 2019 at 8:10 AM
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Steve
August 22nd, 2019 at 6:05 AM
My wife has sex aversion. We have been married 30 years. We had a good sex life for the first 15 to 20 years but the last 10 have been celibate. Her growing lack of interest in sex was communicated by her body language and it was never spoken of. I didn’t push. I sensed that she had lost her physical affection for me and I was afraid to ask. I didn’t have the courage to tell her that I felt rejected and unloved. Other parts of the relationship have still been good but I sometimes get a deep longing for what we used to have and tears just wash over me. I try to tamp it down and go on but I miss that connection to her so much. I’m passionate about her. I want to give her pleasure and see her lose herself in sensation for just a brief moment. I want us to be lost in each other. I want to make love to her. That should be a beautiful thing but it’s only a source of pain. We have finally begun to talk about it and now everything is coming out. We are at risk of falling apart. It is day to day. One of the hardest things for me to understand is why she doesn’t seem to really care. She just accepts that this is the way she is now and I must do the same. She feels guilty and she doesn’t want us to break up. She cares in that way. But she doesn’t even consider for a minute that she, or we, could do something about it. That she could talk to her doctor about it, or that we could go to couples therapy or sex therapy. She seems to act is if it is just my problem, not her problem, not our problem. I’m not sure she even sees it as a problem at all. Accept her as she is or leave. Those are the only 2 options she is giving me. I see this as helplessness and not owning her part of the issue but maybe I’m being self absorbed and blind. Do other women on this forum feel like she does? I hear women saying that they don’t want to feel like they are a problem that needs to be fixed. But isn’t it at least a relationship problem? Is it better to let a relationship disintegrate than to even make the slightest effort to find some way to make this better? I feel like I’m going crazy trying to reconcile my deep longing for her and her detachment and unwillingness to face the issue. I have become very unstable. I just wish I could understand.

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Matt
August 22nd, 2019 at 9:46 AM
Steve, I am going through a very similar problem only ours has already led to separation. I cannot advise you in any way, but you are not alone. We went to counseling but it ultimately did not help. The counselor felt her heart was not in it and she was just going through the motions. We endured that way for a couple more years but I went outside the marriage for relief and she found out. When she did it was as though she were relieved. As though she finally had the excuse she needed to give up and move out. for my part I wasn’t trying to have an affair, just sex. Like if you were on a diet and were caught in the McDonald’s drive thru. The truly sad thing is I never even had the affair. She just caught me on Tinder.
As with any problem you cannot force help on someone. They have to be willing to admit it’s a problem and seek help.
I will offer one piece of advice that was given to me. Don’t feel bad if you can’t take it anymore. Your needs count too. It’s not all about her. If she won’t even take your needs into account that is an act of selfishness. Whatever you need to do about that I won’t say. That’s on you, but take care of yourself as well.
Matt

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Steve
August 23rd, 2019 at 8:06 AM
Hey Matt, Thanks for sharing your story. Yeah, I do feel like I can’t take it anymore and that I’m being very selfish. I don’t think that sex is the big part of it for me though. I just long for those days when we were lovers and all the good feelings that came from that, passion, excitement, the desire for each other, overflowing happiness. Sex is part of that but I think it’s a small part. I’m afraid I’m going to leave but then regret it later. Maybe I just need to see it all from a different perspective. Maybe I just need to give it some time. But I don’t know how to manage these feelings of sadness, confusion, and rejection and keep going in a positive way.

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Matt
August 23rd, 2019 at 12:00 PM
Definitely see at least a marriage counselor, even if you go alone. A good once can help you get some perspective.

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Steve
August 23rd, 2019 at 6:34 PM
Yeah, thanks. It’s helpful to hear from someone else who has been going through this. I hope things look up for you!

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Sara
September 9th, 2019 at 8:56 PM
*seeking advice from anyone with similar struggles* I get really frustrated with the anxiety I have surrounding sex. I’ve tried having sex with strangers I don’t know, partners I was in a comfortable loving relationship and everything in between. For some reason the anxiety is worse when I’m with someone I love and am emotionally intimate with.
How it feels for me when I’m having sex or even when I just think about it, it feels like a bolt of electricity runs through my body and stuns me while something also stabs my stomach. It’s so intense that I feel like I can’t breathe. Usually when I have sex I am just trying to get through it as fast as I can. I don’t understand how this works because it feels good sexually and I still can reach climax so I don’t know how that’s so disconnected. I have had some sexual trauma in my childhood. I know this sounds stupid but it feels like it doesn’t or shouldn’t be affecting me anymore but I guess it still is.
Anyways, I’m looking for advice on how to work through this. I feel bad because I never want to have sex and don’t initiate it unless I feel bad and I don’t want my partner to feel like I’m not attracted to them or don’t like them. Should I see a sex therapist, or would even just a regular therapist help? Also how do I go about explaining this to my partner. In past times, explaining this just makes them feel guilty for having sex with me because they know I don’t want to.
Thanks in advance!

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The GoodTherapy Team
September 10th, 2019 at 9:20 AM
Hi Sara. We are sorry to hear about your struggles. While GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, we will say that there are many types of therapists who could likely help you with your anxiety. A sex therapist could be helpful, but a trauma therapist or couples counselor could also be beneficial, especially if you are having trouble talking about your past with your partner. We hope that information helps!

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Gabi
November 26th, 2019 at 5:55 PM
I experienced sexual trauma my first time and abuse by the same guy afterward. Since then, when I’m first with a guy I become nauseous to the point where I feel like throwing up and sometimes do. It’s horrible and embarrassing. I want to be with the guy, I really enjoy sex but this response kills the moment along with my sex life. I get what my body is telling me but it’s so frustrating.

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Lynnman
March 21st, 2020 at 7:07 PM
I feel terrible about this….so much guilt. I’ve been married for almost 37 years and live my husband so much. We raised 5 wonderful children together. I went through menopause about 6 years ago and since then my sexual desire has disappeared. It makes me sad because I used to be the one chasing him around. I’m a Christian and feel it is my “duty” to be available to my husband, but I feel like I am going crazy. My mind and body say “no” but I have to force myself to meet his needs. I wish I had an answer to this because I don’t want to leave my marriage…not do I want to live the next 20 years or whatever in this agony. It’s difficult to talk to anyone about this since it’s so personal and I also don’t want to harm my husband’s “manhood.” I’ve prayed and cured over this so many times, but can’t seem to get past it. It does help to know I’m not the only one, though. I can’t understand how God could allow this to happen to us. In every other way I have had such a happy marriage.

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John
March 23rd, 2020 at 2:43 PM
Married going on 53 years, but I gave up sex with wife 40 years ago. I depended on porn and rosy palm and her 5 sisters. My wife put limitations on our sex life. Examples: she only wanted sex in one position nothing different, I could not have fantasy or any experimenting, no oral for me or her, lights off, no naked sleeping( she always wore long cotton night wear) there’s more but for now that’s all. I told her I think we should do different things and sex might be better. That never happened! So I just quit sex and first moved to the basement then moved out to the my new garage , shop and small apartment. So in time and watching porn I couldn’t get it up any more! then I just stopped and everything is good now!

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John N.
April 30th, 2020 at 7:22 PM
My wife and I of 6 years, always had very limited passion and the sex was always fine. We had a very strong friendship foundation. Then the affair came. I had the affair. I always loved and worshipped my wife, then I learned affairs can happen from the self, meaning a broken moral compass, very low self esteem, hitting rock bottom, etc. I hit rock bottom in every aspect of my life except for how much I cherished my wife. Then the affair changed my life. I was back on my feet, became optimistic, landed a successful job after ten years of struggling, and the affair inspired me to be a better husband, brought upon inspiration and it saved me, but then my wife pushed me away and I begged her at one point “I am incredibly alone romantically.” Then the affair ended, I came clean with my wife. Three months later, I experienced my first aversion towards her. I was petrified, scared, begged hoping she would stop touching my areas until suddenly she saw it in my face. I still enjoy the thought of sex, picturing myself with a female celebrity for example or exes seems to work fine except with my wife. I’ve done meditations but I can’t help but feel that I only see my wife as a friend. Nothing more. I know I still love her but this aversion is making it impossible for us to move forward after this affair.

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Tony
February 8th, 2021 at 5:34 PM
My life long intimacy anxiety causes me to prefer sex with strangers. I can function sexually when having sex with strangers and paid sex but I cannot function sexually in a close relationship.

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KB
February 22nd, 2021 at 6:35 PM
I am Male, and like a previous Male respondent, in my Youth I would desire Sex but was unable to endure Sexual situations from what I thought was Anxiety, but really was full on Panic. After some years of some needlessly painful experiences, I began Therapy and slowly unwound the Sexual Abuse In my early childhood. I had no idea. I am just blown away by the impact of the Abuse in every, and I mean every, aspect of my Life.

I have begun to work on my Sexual Aversion and believe I will be able to overcome it. Uncovering and dealing with the Abuse has been quite painful, but far preferable to the decades of Limbo I endured. I made some really bad decisions, and sans Therapy, I was on course to make even worse. Now I make far better, and far, far healthier, decisions. Hopefully I can build on this.

I wish I had prioritized my Well-Being when I was younger and pursued Therapy then, so I encourage everyone, but especially young Men, who suffer from Sexual Aversion to research and find a qualified Therapist who can help. The Therapy may not only help with the Sexual Aversion, but also unlock an underlying issue that may be negatively impacting other areas of your Life.

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John N
May 28th, 2021 at 2:37 PM
“You do not feel aroused, yet you engage in sex anyway”
Maybe women can but it is impossible for man to engage in sexual intercourse if he has no sexual desire. It is physically impossible.

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Unconsumated
October 4th, 2021 at 3:38 PM
What about men like me who have suffered from sexual aversion all their lives? In my case I can function sexually under certain circumstances- paid sex, sex with a stranger (one night stand) and, the first one or two times I am having sex with a new partner. But after hat the anxiety sets in killing my libido and shutting me down sexually. My 30 year marriage is unconsumated although we did have sex a few times before the wedding. Sadly years of going to different therapists hasn’t helped us.

Reply
H
October 14th, 2021 at 2:11 PM
I’m curious. I was raised in a very conservative religious family and all sex talk was discouraged except for the standard “wait until marriage” line. I did as I was taught and followed the rules and ended up married to a sex avoidant wife. Right from day one, she wasn’t interested. Are there common warning signs or red flags that I should have seen? She never avoided my touch before marriage and is seemingly fine with non-sexual physical contact (hugging, kissing, hand holding…) but I spent a decade getting my hand slapped when I tried for more. Once in a while she’ll feel guilty and go through with sex, like the one time she allowed on our honeymoon. I quit initiating several years ago because the consistent rejection was too hard to handle. I also stopped trying to touch her anywhere other than her hands. I just wish there was some way I could have found this out before marrying her.

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kassel
February 27th, 2022 at 12:50 PM
thanks

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sam
March 4th, 2022 at 10:15 PM
So my situation feels a lot more traumatic than I can elaborate right now, especially after reading a few sentences. I have definitely dealt with forced sexual activities during my late adolescent years. I have healed from it and I am ok with the idea of sex in general. But I am not necessarily excited or happy to oblige to have sex. I do NOT enjoy it, NOR do I want it or need it. The point is I understood two things from reading this article. One, is I probably did not heal from my sexual trauma on an emotional level. Second, I feel like I cannot control the situation when having sex. But the worst part of that, is I simply never clicked with my husband. Due to his nature and personality, he could not understand my love language was very different than his, in addition to many other factors.
I appreciated and respected him but that was JUST IT. Do you know how frustrating that is?

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MH
April 2nd, 2022 at 3:43 PM
Male, married 41 years. Would have never got married if I knew this would happen. Still love her, just don’t like her anymore (if that makes any sense). Now it’s been over 10 years since we acted like a husband and wife in the bedroom. Marriage should come with an expiration date. Be a loving spouse or be history. That would work both ways.

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Litabit
May 12th, 2022 at 5:55 PM
Thank you so very much. I know can put a name to what I have. I try to start on the steps to “get better” however I have been going through this with my husband and I have tried to set boundaries as one of the steps indicate what do I do if my husband doesn’t respect the boundaries I set and makes me feel that I have no choice and make him happy but giving into him and having “sex” with him or telling him that there are curtain kinds of sexual acts that I do not like and will never do he still asks for them. Which I know is part of the Trauma of my sexual aversion. How do I get hi to understand that he needs to stop or nothing is going to be “fixed or “repaired or “even better”. He just doesn’t understand or listen to me. I could keep going but I’m just making myself anxious and upset.

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John
June 14th, 2022 at 2:49 AM
I have a strong aversion to sex. I was not molested as a child, but I was bullied and teased by girls from Kindergarten through High School. I was convinced females were dangerous, and I became very good at ignoring them. On my wedding night (I was a virgen), I vomited when we got back to the hotel. The same thing happened on night 2. After about 2 weeks, we managed to have sex. I never thought it was great, and neither did she. And she let me know. We divorced after 2 kids and 14 years, and we didn’t have sex for the last 5-6 years. I was not interested. I’m still not interested. When I go on dates, I hate holding hands or walking arm in arm. I don’t want to hug, and I certainly am not going to kiss you. Push for any of this, or for sex, and it will be our last date. I don’t know if I need to overcome this because I am perfectly happy being single. But I’m tired of the judgement from women who are angry when I don’t ask them out and get physical with them.

Reply
Mickie
August 27th, 2022 at 6:00 PM
My aversion is because my husband is a liar who supports politicians that strip people like me of our rights. Who wants to have sex with someone who turns their back on you??!

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Mattd
November 10th, 2022 at 10:10 PM
I’m not saying this is the cause for everyone one, on this page and definitely not menopause hormones, or child sex abuse issues or avoidant personality disorders. But alot of people that have this problem are inward people who don’t like to share there emotions or feelings on a dayly basis. Sharing one part of your feelings every couple of days can really help or hold hands on a beach walk but push emotions and feelings out not hold them in… Stop thinking sex sex sex it will flow at the right time. Built your self esteem, get counciling, go to gym.,look in the mirror as say to yourself I’m beautiful every day, have a more positive image about yourself, distance yourself from any toxic personalities that put you down and be patient.. Don’t rush let it flow, keep building self esteem more and more and you will make threw this.

Reply
Leena
January 21st, 2023 at 7:54 AM
A friend of mine is sexually frustrated 24/7, but she hates sex. What could be the cause of this? She still has urges, but the thought of engaging disgust her.

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Robert
October 23rd, 2023 at 1:35 AM
I am a 61 year old man I am married but have not had sex for about 10 years. This started when I was experiencing severe PTSD symptoms before I was correctly diagnosed and treated for the PTSD. The treatment (EMDR( was very effective in resolving my PTSD but my desire to have sex never returned. I am distressed by this and my marriage is likely ending as a result. This is not a physical issue I can have erections and reach orgasm through masturbation. The thought of having sex with my partner/ any partner is terribly distressing for me. My testosterone levels are also fine – tested by my GP recently. Having a lot of trouble finding treatment or even identifying appropriate treatment options to seek.

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Nikki
December 29th, 2023 at 1:38 AM
I have sexual trauma from being molested as a child. I went from being very promiscuous to getting married 18 years ago and having 6 kids. Over time I have had an aversion to sex with my husband. I breastfed our children and now I can’t stand for them to be touched in a sexual way. But I endure it during sex because my husband gets something from it. I think enduring things I do not like so that he doesn’t feel bad is making me dislike sex more and more. I am not sure what to do. He knows I don’t get anything from the breast play but he still does it because he likes it. He tries to limit it but I know he wishes I would get into it more. It’s like we are incompatible sexually and I am not sure if it is me or what to do? I keep waiting until he loses interest in sex but not so far. Not sure if I can keep pretending.

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