How Can We Convince My Sister to Dump Her Loser Boyfriend?

My sister's boyfriend is a complete loser. He has no job at age 28, but his wealthy parents support him anyway, sending him $2,000 a month. He lives with my sister, who is 19, in her apartment. He pays half the rent, but wait until you hear where most of the rest of his money is going: drugs. Surprise! He's got my sister shooting up heroin with him now! She says she's in love with him. She can't see that she's throwing her life away. She thinks we're the problem (her family) and yells at us for "meddling" in her messed-up life. Because she's an adult, she thinks she should be able to do whatever she wants. She's too young to recognize the harm she's doing to herself. She wants to drop out of community college and work full-time at a department store. She is well on her way to becoming a junkie. Her boyfriend is a terrible influence on her. Have I mentioned he's been in jail six times and has a suspended driver's license? My parents and I desperately want to get her away from him, but we don't know how to go about it if she stubbornly refuses to leave him. Please help us! —Big Brother
Dear Big Brother,

I hear your love and concern for your sister. There is nothing more painful than watching someone you love make choices you believe are harmful. Unfortunately, they are her choices. You will not get anywhere with your sister if you lecture her about the choices she is making. Letting her know (directly or indirectly) you think her boyfriend is a “loser” will most likely only serve to distance her from you and strengthen her bond to him. It also makes it less likely she would confide in you if she did have misgivings about her relationship or her choices; nobody wants to hear “I told you so” from anyone, particularly family.

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At 19, your sister is technically an adult. You characterize her behavior as stubborn. That feeling may be contributing to a dynamic that makes her believe you and your parents don’t respect her, don’t see her as a capable adult, and don’t understand her needs. Given that dynamic, of course she isn’t going to listen to you. She may insist on sticking to her (destructive) choices just to prove her independence. As long as you continue to approach her with opposition, little is likely to improve. Also, even if you were successful in “getting rid” of the boyfriend, that is no guarantee her life choices would improve.

May I suggest you reach out to her from a different place? Listen to her. Find out from her what works for her in her relationship. What draws her to her boyfriend?

May I suggest you reach out to her from a different place? Listen to her. Find out from her what works for her in her relationship. What draws her to her boyfriend? Let her know you aren’t trying to “meddle”; you are just trying to understand her choices. Lead from a place of love and compassion, not judgment and fear. You can also ask her if she’d be willing to engage in family therapy with you and your parents to see about changing your family dynamic, independent of the boyfriend.

The drug use is absolutely a concern. Not only are there potential physical, financial, and legal ramifications for what she is doing, but emotionally, it is likely distancing her more from you and your parents and connecting her more to her boyfriend as well as impacting her ability to make effective choices. Working with a family therapist and an addiction specialist (with or without your sister) can help you identify some effective intervention strategies. Attending a Nar-Anon meeting could also shed some light (again, with or without your sister).

Best of luck,
Erika

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.
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  • ellen

    December 18th, 2015 at 1:15 PM

    Unfortunately this is something that your sister is going to have to realize on her own. One day he will do something so terrible to her that she will understand where all of you are coming from but until she can actually see that for herself, I think that you have to give up. His time will come, just maybe not as quickly as you would want.

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  • Milly

    December 19th, 2015 at 7:12 AM

    I have to say that I usually love the good therapy posts, but this one upsets me quite a bit. The original letter is extremely judgmental and by calling the sister’s boyfriend a “loser”, only serves to perpetuate the stigma with regard to substance abuse. If the writer of the letter considers the boyfriend a “loser” because he’s making bad choices and doing heroin, then, using those standards, her sister is a “loser” as well. As a therapist it is clear that people make bad choices because of underlying issues that need to be resolved, and to call anyone a loser is judgmental and against the fundamental values of therapy. I am disappointed that the response to this letter did not address this issue at all. The writer’s sister is a perfect example of how a vulnerable person can get involved in drugs. The sister’s boyfriend was not born a heroin addict. He, too, was vulnerable at one point and succumbed to the drug. I’m not objecting to the idea at all that the sister and her boyfriend should not be together, and I agree with your suggestions on how to approach the situation. I am just very disappointed that this letter would be posted without addressing the stigma and judgment of the writer.

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  • Kimberly

    December 21st, 2015 at 2:46 PM

    Have you thought about trying to get her into a rehab facility? With the drugs and him in her life I don’t think that there will be any way that you can convince her that she needs to make some serious life changes. The heroin is what I would most worry about but I know that being with this guy is only fanning the flames of her addiction. I am so sorry that you are having to watch someone that you love throw their life away on this

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