My Husband Left Me! Let Him Go or Fight for Our Marriage?

I came home from work the other day and my husband was gone. His belongings—and the stuff he brought into the relationship—were also gone, including our dog, which originally was his. He left a note saying he was sorry, but he no longer had the energy or interest in working on our marriage and that he was planning to stay with his parents until he could find a more stable living situation. This after four years of marriage. Those four years haven't always been a fairy tale, granted, but our problems seemed relatively minor compared to the problems my other married friends talk about. We argued about once a week (mostly over stupid things), had communication issues, occasionally argued over money, went a month or two without sex at most, but nothing catastrophic. We have talked on the phone once since he left, and he's done. I wanted us to go to counseling a year ago, but he resisted. Now he won't even entertain the idea, and seems committed to dissolving our marriage. I tried to coax reasons out of him, and he says no one else is involved, but that he simply doesn't love me anymore, which seems hard to believe. He says he wants to be friends and to end things amicably. I don't think that's possible now. What do I do? Should I let him go? I don't know if I can do that. If I don't fight for our marriage, I think that will send the message that I don't care, and I care with every fiber of my being. I am so confused, anxious, and angry. I feel helpless and alone right now. Please help. —Ditched
Dear Ditched,

I can only imagine the range of emotions you are experiencing after a blindside like this. Based on the information you provided, the way your husband handled the situation absolutely seems unfair to you. Walking out with no prior conversation can indicate either a lack of care and respect for your feelings and your relationship or deeper issues of his own. He may be going through something that compelled him to make a major life change with no clear plan of where he was going next. Either way, trust that when he says he is done, he is done.

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He resisted attempts to go to counseling in the past and has let you know that he has no desire to do so now. Take him at his word. It takes two to fight for a marriage—and if he is not willing to even engage, fighting for your marriage will be an exercise in frustration for you and potentially damage what remains of your relationship. Not fighting doesn’t mean you don’t care about your marriage. By not fighting, however, you may be able to begin your grieving process, and subsequent healing process, sooner.

It is natural to go through many stages of grieving at the end of a relationship. Denial, bargaining, anger, and sadness are to be expected. Given your particular circumstances, confusion and the desire for reasonable explanations would be natural as well.

It is natural to go through many stages of grief at the end of a relationship. Denial, bargaining, anger, and sadness are to be expected. Given your particular circumstances, confusion and the desire for reasonable explanations would be natural as well. Unfortunately, it is possible that your husband will not, perhaps even cannot, give you the answers you need to make sense of this bewildering situation.

His departure and refusal to explain or consider working on things has not only hurt you deeply, but also likely left you feeling powerless. One important part of healing will be reclaiming your power. I recommend that you connect with a local counselor who can provide support and perspective as you grapple with the emotions that naturally will arise for you.

Through counseling, you can determine how you want to grieve and move forward. You can get support to handle the anger and confusion you are feeling. You can choose how to handle future conversations and interactions with your husband. You can choose whether staying connected to him is in your best interests or not. You can choose whether or not to remain friends.

Thank you for reaching out. I hope, with support, you find resolution for the understandable pain you feel that allows you to move forward with a clear mind and heart.

Best of luck,
Erika

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.
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  • claire

    February 26th, 2016 at 11:41 AM

    I would say to not give up just yet. I agree that with a little time and maybe even a LOT of counseling both together and on your own you will have a better shot at determining both what is best for you and for the two of you as a couple. And over time your idea of what this may be could change but hopefully that will come from a better sense of self as well as a greater understanding of what it was that actually went wrong in the relationship.

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  • Leslie

    February 26th, 2016 at 1:08 PM

    It seems pretty clear what he wants.
    You might have to face that this is the reality, no matter how hard you choose to fight.

    Reply

  • Jessie

    February 27th, 2016 at 8:20 AM

    When you have been a part of a couple for a very long time it can be very difficult to let all of that go even if you know that this is the wish of the other person. Just as you wish that they would respect your desires, you must learn to be the person who can also respect theirs. It is hard to think about who you are or will become without them but that is one of life’s fascinating little journeys and you just have to embrace the moment and rise above just wanting what you want.

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