Denial is the refusal to accept reality in order to protect yourself from a painful event, thought, or feeling. It is a defense mechanism that gives you time to adjust to distressing life situations.
Denial can be present for anything that evokes vulnerability or threatens your sense of control. This could be illness, racism, addiction, anger issues, financial problems, or relationship conflicts. You can be in denial around something happening directly to you or something happening to another person. Denial can occur on an individual level and also on broader system levels, such as in family, social, or cultural contexts.
Denial is universal— everyone perceives events through personal bias. Yet the process of denial is complex, and it is (at least initially) mostly implicit and unconscious. However, you can recognize and challenge denial through an ongoing process of radical honesty and self-examination. This process can give you insight or encourage movement if you are stuck.
When undergoing self-examination, it often helps to use a holistic approach that includes mind, body, and soul.
Exploring your inner dialogue (self-talk) and outer dialogue are useful strategies in the self-examination of denial. Try to see if you are using cognitive distortions such as rationalizing, minimizing, and intellectualizing. These are used to alter the perception of reality, and they may suggest denial is ultimately at play.
Using the example of a conflict in a toxic relationship, consider the following:
These cognitive distortions are indicators that you may be stuck in denial. Also be on the lookout phrases or keywords which may signal that you’re engaging in a cognitive bias:
Examining what is being thought or said is relevant in the self-examination of denial. Examining the unsaid is also important. Consider what you are avoiding. What are you refusing to think about? What will you not talk about? What situation, past or present, won’t be acknowledged? What facts won’t you face? Honestly examine what you fear, then evaluate the potential negative consequences of not taking action.
Numbness, disconnection, and/or dissociation often occur with denial. These symptoms are suggestive of a trauma reaction in the nervous system: the freeze response. Somatic awareness can be a useful tool in addressing denial and the freeze response. Increasing somatic awareness means learning to feel your body and making your visceral experience more conscious.
To increase your somatic awareness, try the following exercise:
Practice the exercise regularly. As your somatic awareness increases, continue to intentionally seek out sensations and practice staying with the discomfort.
Denial has been described as a shock absorber for the soul. Attending to the soul refers to examining a deeper connection or relationship to yourself and others.
One sign of denial is when you constantly try to prove how good you are, that you are enough, or how much someone has or has not hurt you. Trying to prove yourself to the world may actually suggest that it is you who is not believing how good you are, your worth, or your hurt. Trying to prove yourself often presents as blaming, comparing, or defending. These tactics suggest that not only are you likely in a state of denial, you are also further disconnecting from yourself.
Individuals remain in denial and are unable to hear the truth until they are emotionally ready to cope with it. Individuals remain in denial and are unable to hear the truth until they are emotionally ready to cope with it. This often involves having a stable connection to oneself and others. You can deepen your self-connection and self-trust by revisiting past challenges that you have overcome. Take time to identify your abilities, successes, and strengths. You can deepen your connection to others by allowing yourself to express your fears. Consider opening up to a trusted friend or loved one, and/or participate in a support group.
Lastly, identify discrepancies between your values and your behaviors. The discrepancies may suggest denial. If you value love, for example, consider how your actions (or inactions) contribute to experiences of harm or hate. Make sure your internal and external resources are being used in accordance with your values, and reflect on your sense of greater meaning or purpose.
Therapy can be a safe place to get help for denial and other defense mechanisms. When denial has affected a marriage or relationship, couples counseling can be particularly helpful.
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