Individuals who practice BDSM may be able to help you better understand both what the practice means to them and any impact, positive or negative, it might have on their relationship and/or life, but each person and couple’s experience is unique. One individual cannot, of course, help you understand what the practice means to others you might see in therapy.
Of course, while people may seek therapy for reasons related to BDSM practice and/or its effects on their relationship, they are just as likely to seek therapy for unrelated reasons. The purpose of this article is to help you become familiar with what to look for when working with BDSM-practicing couples or individuals—and to help you avoid assumptions and stereotypes.
BDSM serves as an umbrella term or combined abbreviation that refers to “bondage and discipline,” “dominance and submission,” and “sadism and masochism.” It can describe a wide variety of erotic practices and/or roleplaying involving one or more of these or related interpersonal dynamics between consenting adults.
Some individuals and their partners might incorporate BDSM into everyday life or live a BDSM lifestyle 24/7, while others maintain BDSM practices only in the bedroom. Some might also practice certain behaviors typically identified as being part of a BDSM lifestyle, such as collaring (putting a collar on one’s partner) or practicing sexual dominance and submission, without fully identifying with BDSM culture. There are many subgenres of BDSM, and individuals may choose to practice in any number of ways.
When a person’s information about BDSM is primarily limited to sources outside the BDSM community—movies, books, news, and pornography that may or may not be thoroughly researched–it may be difficult to understand the difference between consensual and safe BDSM practices and “BDSM play” that is in actuality abuse.
What’s often left out in media and popular culture depictions of BDSM is the single most important aspect of BDSM culture: consent. Therefore, in order to truly understand the dynamics of a BDSM relationship, or a relationship characterized by the practice of some aspects of BDSM, one must have the curiosity to look “behind the scenes,” or past what is readily apparent, and seek to truly understand what is happening.
We are often only shown the provocative parts of BDSM, a strategy designed to keep our attention that is not dissimilar to the way pornographic films rarely show protection steps such as putting on a condom or flushing the bowels. When movies or TV portray BDSM practices, we do not often see a discussion of safe words, the amount of safety preparations necessary for activities such as rope-binding, or aftercare following a session of intense activity, in which partners reconnect and offer verbal, emotional, and/or physical support to each other.
Forms of mainstream media often inaccurately portray BDSM relationships, and misinformation about BDSM culture prevails in part due to the amount of attention these false depictions of BDSM culture receive. Take, for example, the novel and movie series 50 Shades of Grey. The publication of the novel sparked interest in the BDSM community, but unfortunately the series doesn’t accurately depict BDSM culture. Thus, many consumers of the book and/or movie are left with a false representation of a BDSM lifestyle.
Christian Grey, the character who plays at being a dominant partner in the series, exhibits a number of abusive behaviors not condoned by the real-world BDSM community. For example, Christian engages in non-consensual stalking and threatening of the female character, Ana. In one scene, he does not stop when Ana says “no” to sex but continues his sexual advances. Not only does ignoring a partner who says no (unless this is an activity for which prior consent was obtained) go against BDSM culture, it is also rape. Another significant indicator of abuse in the series is the contract Ana signs at Christian’s behest, which states she cannot speak to anyone about what happens between her and Christian. If their relationship was one based on communication and mutual respect—as all relationships should be—there would be no need to silence and isolate Ana. Many partners who practice BDSM together do have written and/or verbal contracts, but these generally exist to outline hard limits and practices both partners have consented to.
Now that we have explored some ways BDSM culture has been misconstrued by outside sources, let’s discuss a few ways you, as a helping professional, can bring this awareness into your practice.
It’s important to remember that abuse can still happen within the context of an established BDSM relationship, and abuse assessment is still an essential step of intake when beginning to provide treatment to a new individual or intimate partners.
1. Bruises don’t always mean abuse
As therapists, we have most likely been trained to look for certain signs of abuse, such as long sleeves, a malnourished appearance, and particularly bruises. In some BDSM relationships, however, bruises are common and may even be cherished and/or displayed proudly by their wearers. If you notice bruises on a person you are working with, it is always important to assess where the bruises came from and whether their origin was consensual, accidental, or from unwanted physical violence.
2. Consent is key
You may be wondering about the line between an abusive relationship and a BDSM relationship, as they both involve what we may consider to be “abuse” in both mental and physical forms (striking, paddling, insulting, belittling, or controlling another person). As mentioned above, the key difference here is consent. In a healthy BDSM relationship, there is open communication between partners about what they want, and a contract outlining what is permissible and consented to as well as any limits, commonly exists between willing participants.
The following examples provide further clarification on communication and consent:
3. Assess for Abuse Individually
I always advocate for individual abuse assessment with every couple. Couples who practice BDSM are no different. I believe it is a good idea to, during intake or shortly after, set time aside to see each partner individually in order to assess for abuse.
It’s important to remember that physical and sexual abuse can still happen within the context of an established BDSM relationship, and abuse assessment is still an essential step of intake when beginning to provide treatment to a new individual or intimate partners. The above example with Nikole and Terry could very well happen in an established BDSM relationship.
4. Seek to Understand
You may be feeling somewhat uncertain or at a loss when a couple who practices BDSM or lives a lifestyle characterized by BDSM practices walks into your practice for the first time. You may feel a flutter of nervousness when a person you are working with informs you they practice BDSM. Hopefully, the topics discussed in this article have helped you feel better equipped to address this topic in the therapy room by providing you with some insight into what to expect and what follow-up questions to ask.
However, even if you consider yourself to be an all-around expert on BDSM culture, you still will not necessarily be familiar with exactly what BDSM means to each person you work with, as every individual and couple defines their relationship and the aspects of it that relate to BDSM differently. The only way to truly understand is to ask what BDSM means to them and how they incorporate BDSM practices into their relationship. Every answer will be different.
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The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.