40 Years after Our Fling, Why Can’t I Forget about Her?
Dear Looking Back,
That girl in your head—she was your first love, perhaps? And your first heartache too? You still have feelings for her, it seems, and I think that while she may have many wonderful features, she built a life with someone else, not you. You don’t know what her life is from the inside, so it’s easy to make it seem ideal. It may or may not be.
Also, she dumped you six weeks after you joined the military. First off, she might have dumped you anyway—you first got together in high school, a time when relationships can be flimsy and fleeting. It’s part of growing up.
Why do you wake up every day with her in your head? I’m guessing it’s not her so much as it is you and her together, the way you were 40 years ago—young, hopeful, naive, the world opening before you. You shared the exciting spirit of beginnings, but I wonder how long that would have lasted even if you hadn’t joined the military.
The world seems closed to you now. You say no one loves you or knows you deep down. Your wife had two affairs, and you have been having a kind of fantasy mind affair with that girl, the ineffable first-time perfect girl. She stands between you and your life. You are holding her in between yourself and your life. What you had together for a short time 40 years ago stands between you and your real life, and it is taking the place of your real life. It’s time for you to dump her and live now. There’s no do-over.
Your two kids, you seem to suggest, are teenagers or young adults, and only interested in your money, not in you. Perhaps that’s true, I don’t know. I’m not sure you know, either, since you live with a curtain that blocks the reality of yourself in your life in this moment.
Why do people torture themselves with visions of a perfect past, a wonderful experience, that doesn’t exist? Why do you? Are you afraid of your life now, of looking at who and where you are now? Is it painful?
Perhaps you’re unhappy because where you are now is not where you would like to be. You can’t go back 40 years, obviously, but you can look ahead to the future and see what kind of life you would like to craft for yourself, what you need to do to make it real, to build a life for yourself—no matter your age—that is rooted in the present so it can be satisfying and genuine.
How can you do that? You can look deep inside yourself. You can go to therapy, or to group therapy, and dig hard and come alive.
I wish you luck, love, and satisfaction.
All my best,
Lynn
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Cleo
June 13th, 2014 at 2:27 PMCould you please explain to me why your wife having an affair means that you suck?
That means she sucks, not you
Christian
June 14th, 2014 at 5:31 AMWhy do you remain so fixated on a time on your life that was so long ago? She could be a terrible person now but you have built her up into your mind that she is this ideal woman and that nothing else will ever compare. Maybe that is what happened in your marriage, that you held your wife up against this image of a “perfect” woman that you had and she knew that no matter what she ever did that she could never live up to that. I am sorry that at this point in your life you have gone through so much pain, but I think that now is the time, today is the day, to begin letting some of that go a little bit at a time and moving on so that you can make the most of the rest of your life, You owe that to yourself and your family.
Megan D
June 16th, 2014 at 4:10 PMWe always live with the what ifs, but after all this time it would be better to think about the ways that you can improve the here and now instead of remaining so fixed on something that in all likelihood wasn’t meant to be in the first place. The present probably feels so crappy becasue you have this idealized version of the past that you always think that nothing can measure up to, and it can’t because that isn’t real.
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