Help! A Decade Later, I Just Found Out My Husband Has 2 Kids
Dear In the Dark,
What an incredible breach of trust. Not only did he lie to you about not having kids, which I’m sure made sense to him at the time, but he perpetuated the lie by actively hiding an account from you and keeping important financial information from you. Of course you are having concerns and wondering if you can trust him.
Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth. Your husband says he lied initially because he didn’t think you would accept him if you knew the truth. Lying can become a habit and even a coping mechanism. Lying can generate fear of being found out, which necessitates additional lies until it looks as if there is no way out. It seems as if your husband justified continuing to lie for fear that if you learned the truth his world would unravel. I am not condoning his actions, but I can see how one lie begets another and another until it seems insurmountable.
Often people lie for one of two reasons—from fear and a desire to avoid negative consequences, or to gain something they don’t believe they can gain via the truth.Now that the truth is out, this would be a great time to work with your husband on becoming completely honest with you about everything. That means giving you access to all of his financial records, legal documents, and passwords as well as sharing his entire unvarnished history with you. Whether or not you intend to stay in your marriage, if you are going to parent with him, rebuilding trust is going to be important for you and for your kids. I recommend working with a therapist on this process. If your husband has indeed been hiding even more, being able to tell you about it in a safe, neutral environment may encourage more transparency. It may also encourage him to consider why he chose dishonesty for so long.
I should mention that, while uncommon, there are some individuals who lie without remorse, who use dishonesty to manipulate, or who lie simply because they can. It is a very small percentage of the population, and I am not suggesting that your husband falls into that category, but it might be helpful to have professional support as well to ensure that you are not dealing with this particular type of individual.
Best of luck,
Erika
Erika Myers
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Rylie
June 19th, 2015 at 11:43 AMHonestly I think that I would be checking into other things that he could have been hiding from you.
Emmorie
June 20th, 2015 at 9:44 PMMy moms first husband had 5 children and upon marrying third wife he had nothing to do with any of them. Who keeps children a secret? Who has no contact with them ? Disgusting! I think your right to question what else he is hiding. Where there is smoke there is fire! And where there is one mouse their are many mice. Ie. Secrets! Liars lie. No sense making sense out of them. Keep digging or just divorce this pathetic amoral jerk.
Monica
June 20th, 2015 at 12:28 PMLook at all of the wonderful things that the two of myou have missed out on together because he felt so insecure about this one thing, albeit a very big thing. I don’t know if I would be more disappointed that he lied or that he didn’t trust in you enough that you would actually be alright with being a stepmom.
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