After 18 Years Together, My Husband Wants Nothing to Do with Me

I have been married for 18 years. Throughout our marriage, my husband has traveled extensively every week, year after year, with the same company. This has placed 110% of our home and family responsibilities with me. My husband has missed the majority of the family's day-to-day life experiences over the years. When my husband is home, he is not enjoyable company. He has a strong oppositional behavior and conversation style, often looking up things I say on his smart phone to correct my statements. He has no interest in activities with me or with the kids; when he is home, he is head down in some electronic device or in his office on one of his three of four computers and TVs, 24 hours a day. He sleeps in a chair in his office or on the couch in front of a TV. He has spent one night in the master bed in the past two years. He has no interest in any form (sexual or emotional) in an intimate relationship with me. He feigns a lack of sexual prowess and desire at 59 years of age. He does not like to cuddle or hold hands or be close to me for more than a moment. This has been a problem for the entire 18 years of our relationship (the complete lack of emotional and sexual intimacy). In the beginning, we had a very romantic, sexual, and intimate relationship. Although he has never been one to put effort into my needs, always fast and full of promises for the next time. Year after year, I have told myself his lack of interest and constant oppositional conversation and behavior style are due to work fatigue from his extensive traveling. He does tell me he loves me. He just does not know how or desire to do the little things that people in loving, caring relationships do for each other. Like a back rub, a warm hug for no reason, or just a walk holding hands. He will slap or twist my hand away if I try to hold his hand. How can he not see that these little nits hurt me deeply? My heart is aching for a committed, loving relationship with my best friend and partner. I yearn to share my life, dreams, bed, and love with my husband. We have a garden-size bathtub in the master bath, and he scowls at me if I invite him in with me. I feel like the thought of any level of intimacy with me is disgusting to him. My girlfriends tell me I am crazy for not seeing the truth. I have believed in him throughout our marriage because I do love him. As you would expect, things are not getting better; they are worse than ever. I find it difficult to engage him anymore, preferring to tolerate his presence for the short times he is in our home. I fear the destruction of my children's home and life if I seek separation. They would be devastated, having their family and future ripped apart. My family is my No. 1 priority; I would walk through fire to keep them happy and whole. I honestly do not think I have the stamina to weather the emotional upheaval of trying to change. I'm sad and lonely all the time. I have tried time after time to reach my husband. Nothing seems to change; we are always back to the same, old adversarial "roommate" arrangement. Nothing seems to make him happy, the sky is always falling, nothing is any good, I'm just a thorn in his sole. Can you offer me any advice? Is it normal for a 59-year-old man to never have sex or seek any sort of intimacy with his wife? Is it normal for a 55-year-old woman to want and need an active love and intimate relationship with her husband? When he comes home, he tends to his own laundry and does a few fix-it things around the house, then is gone again. He is not interested in having a partnership with me as his wife. I am like the innkeeper of his home. The only time he actually smiles at me is when I am preparing a family meal. I am emotionally and physically isolated without loving companionship. I do have my girlfriends and children, but they cannot replace the love of a mate. I am always on the verge of tears, feeling at a total loss for resolution. Lately I have been considering leaving this world as soon as my son graduates high school. Once my children are on their own two feet, I can pull back and move on. I never wanted to be an older woman, alone in the world. Nevertheless, here I am. Advice? —Lonely and Longing
Dear Lonely and Longing,

Eighteen years is a long time to live feeling lonely and longing, especially when yIt’s not ou’re in a relationship that’s supposed to be loving and intimate. I suppose that things worsened gradually, and now you find yourself high and dry. You write that your girlfriends think you’re “crazy for not seeing the truth.” Do they think this relationship is over, or should be?

You ask if your lack of intimacy is normal. It is unusual. Most married couples of your ages—59 and 55—have intimate communications of various kinds, from hand-holding to sex, and verbal too, but as you describe it your husband cannot tolerate even the smallest touch, a reaction that goes way beyond sexuality. I sense this is nothing new, and I have questions about it.

Does he reject your touch only? How does he respond to others, to a friendly handshake or pat on the shoulder? And what about your children? I don’t know how old they are, but are they of lap-sitting age, and do they, or did they ever, sit in his lap? How does he say hello to them when he comes home from a business trip? How does he say hello to you? And the goodbyes, what are they like?

You describe him as remote, negative, and oppositional. Maybe he is experiencing depression or some other emotional or physical issue. You sound pretty depressed, too. Could you both see a doctor for a general exam and then talk to the doctor together about these problems? I would start with this, and if all checks out OK then I would seek therapy for both of you, both individual and couples counseling. And if your husband is unwilling to participate, go alone.

You know when you get on an airplane and the flight attendant gives instructions of what to do in case of an emergency? “If there is turbulence, the air bags might descend from the ceiling. If you are traveling with a child, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then on your child.” Get that oxygen. And put on your parachute in case you have to bail.

Take some deep breaths. As you probably sense, you should not have to live this way. You husband shouldn’t have to, either. Take care of yourself and everyone will profit—maybe your husband, certainly your children, and absolutely definitely YOU!

Take care, and good luck!
Lynn

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT is a Manhattan-based, licensed psychotherapist with more than 30 years in private practice. She is also a yoga teacher and student of Ayuveda—the Indian science of wellness. Her main interest is in helping people find healthy ways of living, loving, and working in the particular combination that works best for them, connecting to their deepest energic source so their full range of abilities can be expressed. Lynn's specialty is understanding and alleviating anxiety and depression.
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  • chels

    May 3rd, 2013 at 1:48 PM

    I definitely think that maybe the two of you could use some couples counseling. Have you ever thought about that or brought it up to him? I know that from my own experience this can be a really useful thing if the both of you are into it together and you take it as a chance to find out all about each other all over again. It could be the little magic fix that you are looking for.

    I agree that maybe your husband is depressed, and that this could be expressed by him withdrawing from you and the marriage. There is help out there for sure but he does have to be willing to do a few things to get himself back to a safe and healthier place before you decide that you have had enough and call it quits.

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  • hannah

    May 3rd, 2013 at 10:58 PM

    “I honestly do not think I have the stamina to weather the emotional upheaval of trying to change.”

    im sorry but is this why you have not done anything all these years to try and change things?is this why you have not tried talking to him about his unusual behavior?ig you want to make things better, if you want to bring in a change then it requires energy, it requires work, no getting away from it.

    Reply

  • mary

    May 4th, 2013 at 3:53 AM

    I wonder if he is having an affair. Especially since he travels constantly. Being around such hostility and withdrawal of love for any longer will further damage you. You have suffered for long enough and deserve freedom and happiness for the rest of your life.

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