Are My Feelings for My Therapist Normal?
Dear Confused,
First, I want to congratulate you for your courage in reaching out to a therapist and beginning the healing process that can unfold when you get into counseling. You mention that you’ve never really had any kind of therapy although you were abused in your past. I can’t emphasize enough how important trust is, and I want to especially point out that you hung in with this therapist for 3 whole months…good on you! This is definitely something that can be worked out and worked on and your strong feelings for your therapist are entirely natural, appropriate, and yes, essential.
Essential because therapy is all about the power of relationship. Good therapists should be able to accept you completely and entirely as you are. Carol Rogers called this “unconditional positive regard.” So you really don’t need to worry about what your therapist might think of you. You can learn from your thoughts about her! When clients have feelings like you’re describing, psychotherapists and counselors often refer to them as transference. What’s being transferred? The general idea is that, unconsciously, emotional feelings that you may have had or wished you could have had as a child are transferred from your parents or other caretaker to your therapist. So clients often have feelings for their therapists that are like the ones that children have towards their parents. Sometimes it feels like falling in love. Transference is completely natural and normal, and it can enhance the experience of therapy significantly.
Your experience of positive transference toward your former therapist is very likely a rich and powerful message from your internal world about what you missed in childhood. So it could present a wonderful opportunity for you to learn how to love, nurture, and care for the wounded child that still lives within you. Since healing is an “inside job,” therapy can offer the opportunity find that healing.
Often and for many of us these thoughts might remind us of what we missed when we were growing up. Ideally mothers are warm, reliable, and nurturing. Unfortunately, for many of us our moms weren’t like that or even capable of nurturing. I’m guessing you might have experienced some of this deprivation, creating a huge contradiction for you as you began to spend therapy time with a person who was “really nice.” Red lights – sirens – confusion – yikes!
No wonder you just stopped going. Nothing is wrong—with you or with your therapist. These kinds of feelings can all be part of the healing process, so I strongly encourage you to talk openly and honestly about your feelings, as it sounds like you’ve begun to establish a good connection with this therapist. Any professional and ethical therapist will be able to accept and understand your feelings without taking the transference personally. Also, some people find that they are more comfortable not working face to face, but by telephone. This might be an option that would be preferable for you, at least in the beginning. You are safe in the privacy of your own home—not someone’s office. If you do decide to go to a different therapist, just be very certain that the therapist has experience and expertise working with survivors of abuse.
Kind regards,
Jill
Jill Denton
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Kimberly A
September 8th, 2013 at 10:54 AMI am glas this is normal because these feelings certainly describe what happened in my soon to be concluding four year therapy for childhood abuse. These feelings seem to be a healing part of therapy, at least a majority of the time. I guess what I have noticed is that in the termination phase these feelings, if they have registered quite intensely, from my experience contribute to a painful, and at times confusing termination, at least for the child within. Sometimes my therapist doesn’t understand these intense feelings and why I sometimes feel devastated that our relationship is ending. Don’t misunderstand me, the adult knows full well that therapy ends, and that my therapy is coming to a conclusion. But right now all the little girl wants to do is take her blankie and climb up on the sofa and sit next to her therapist. I definitely am not a little girl, more like in my midyears, and this is embarrassing and sometimes confusing to me as well. Last week my therapist had a countertransference and I almost did not return. I guess what surprises me are the intensity of these feelings and that termination is not a quick fix for them. I find that it takes some time for the little girl to accept all of this, and when I try to just pull her away, it does not go well for either of us, her, or the adult. If you can shed any additional light on termination related to long term therapy for complex trauma, I would welcome your insights including if I am totally going off the deep end, or this is something some folks seem to go through.
KH
July 25th, 2014 at 3:54 AMI can never be told enough that what I am feeling is normal. It doesn’t feel normal. I have been thinking about my therapist all the time (kind of makes me feel like a crazy creeper) and I just told her in one of my writings what a huge part of my life she is. I didn’t really realize what me saying that meant until she brought it up in session and now I want to take it back. I want to be around her all the time but at the same time she just really pisses me off. She doesn’t do anything wrong other than being nice LOL! Anyway thank you for your post!
shaq
November 30th, 2014 at 5:41 AMI think it is very normal but if u think that is not normal u should try ur(your) best to date anoter person not your therapist but what what u should tell ur therapist how u feel about him/her
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