At 43, I Feel Like I’m Running Out of Time to Have a Child
Dear Tick Tock,
You are not alone in your dilemma, and it is a tough one. You’ve prepared yourself and created the kind of life you want for your future family. Unfortunately, “if you build it, they will come” doesn’t really work when it comes to finding a partner and having children.
In my work with couples, particularly couples who have recently become parents, I see how difficult it is for many of them to maintain a solid partner relationship while attending to their new parenting duties. This is exponentially more difficult for couples who do not have a solid foundation to their relationship. I hear your very real fears, and generally, when we are driven by fear we don’t always make the best choices. If you rush into a commitment with someone so that you can have a child by a specific deadline, you risk overlooking some incompatibilities that may be problematic in the future.
You are right, however, that time is a factor, and I am wondering if you’ve considered alternatives to your original dream of finding a great partner and starting a family together. One of the biggest challenges of your dream is that you don’t really have control over how it works out. You can’t simply will the right guy into existence, you can’t ensure that he will be the kind of partner and co-parent you want, and you can’t guarantee that you will be able to conceive a healthy child together in the right amount of time.
With so many things out of your control, it would be natural to feel helpless, frustrated, anxious, and stressed—not a great frame of mind for dating. It might be helpful to open yourself up to some alternative plans. Instead of an all-or-nothing approach, would you consider, for example, waiting for the right partner and adopting or fostering if your childbearing “window” had passed? Would you consider having a child by yourself and on your own timeline? What options would you consider? What elements can you let go of?
Having alternative plans that you can live with can relieve some of the pressure you are feeling and, very likely, the men you are dating may be feeling as well. By all means, keep pursuing your original dream, but knowing that you have alternative plans that work for you might help you relax. Incidentally, chances are much greater that you will attract the kind of man you want when you are relaxed and content rather than stressed and anxious.
To really open yourself up to alternatives, however, you may need to take some time to process and accept that your original dream might not come true. There is a grieving process involved in this that can be painful but ultimately freeing. You don’t have to do it alone. You can get support from friends and family, or work with a therapist to come to terms with the very real loss that comes from letting go of the vision of the life you expected to lead. It can be a difficult but powerful process. Mourning the loss of a future you hoped to have can ultimately lead you to a place of being able to accept and embrace the future you will have.
Best of luck!
Erika
Erika Myers
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NIALL
April 19th, 2013 at 11:52 PMJumping into a relationship because you want children is not a good idea.take time to let the relationship grow.it is not easy but let go of the thoughts of having a child when you are dating someone.then your judgement is not clouded by that want of child(ren).you can then choose the right partner.that is far more important.because whether you have a child of your own,or adopt one,your partner is the one you are going to co-parent with and it is him who you are going to be spending the rest of your life with.you wouldn’t want to choose the wrong man in a hurry and then repent.so please please take time to find the right person,it is worth it.
Bess
April 20th, 2013 at 5:32 AMI sympathize with the writer of the letter a great deal because I waited until I was older to both get married and have children and sometimes it’s like I could just hear that clock ticking away.
I had to deal with a mother who was constantly harping about it and eventually I stopped even talking to her or anyone about it. I was lucky in that my husband wanted children quickly too so that all worked out for us and we had no real problems with getting pregnant and having our children. But you do have some valid concerns and I wish you the very best.
Naomi
April 20th, 2013 at 9:08 PMThis is a tough struggle, especially for women since biologically the timeline is shorter for our ability to have children. I think in life it is important to maintain flexibility as of to what things look like. There are at least a dozen alternative scenarios I can think of for this woman, ultimately she needs to decide what is most important to her. If having a biological child is an extremely important life goal, have a child. Having a partner does make raising a child easier but not if you just rush in to it with someone who ends up causing more stress than support.
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