Bah Humbug! Am I a Bad Person for Hating the Holidays?
Dear Humbug,
You are not alone—not everybody loves the holidays, and plenty of people hate them. Thanksgiving is only round one. Not long after, you get socked with a real haymaker, the endgame (literally, December)—Christmas or Kwanzaa or Hanukkah or whatever version of party-on you choose … or that’s been chosen for you, I suppose.
Not to mention it gets really dark really early now and, depending where you live, perhaps freezing cold and snowy. The celebrations you don’t feel part of, plus the longer nights, the light deprivation, and the crappy weather, can cause emotional and physiological reactions that make you feel even worse.
A lot of people struggle with the commercialization of the season as well; many stores set up holiday displays and started piping in seasonal music before summer was out! For many people, the significance of the holidays, or what they’re supposed to stand for, is lost in the hustle and bustle.
No, you are not a terrible person for feeling down this time of year. A great many people feel depressed and stressed and lonely and grief-stricken and resentful this time of year. It may seem like everybody else is celebrating with special loved ones and you’re not, and you may feel all alone and, worse, obligated to join celebrations you don’t feel are for you. But remember, not everyone has family, not everyone has family they want to spend time with, and not all families have learned to put aside the family drama and just let everybody have a good time together.
There’s a store near where I live. Every year about this time, they put a sign in their window: “Sharpen your knives for the holidays.” It’s a hardware store, so I read it literally—bring in your knives and we’ll sharpen them right up. But for what? I always wonder. Are those knives for slicing up turkey and ham or for self-defense? Do we kind of feel like turkeys and hams, sitting around the big table with all those relatives we have nothing to say to and who don’t like us much either?
No, you are not a terrible person for feeling down this time of year. A great many people feel depressed and stressed and lonely and grief-stricken and resentful this time of year.
Do you have to see your family? Spending time with friends instead can be enjoyable. Would you feel guilty if you did that?
Put aside for a moment family obligations. What would YOU like to do? What would make YOU happy? Some reflection on why, specifically, the holidays are so rough for you may help guide you as you search for ways to get through them. Any form of self-care might do. You deserve to feel taken care of, even if it’s you doing the caretaking.
Forget, for a moment, everyone else’s expectations of you—which are probably based on the expectations others have of them, anyway. What are YOUR expectations, both of yourself and of others? The weight of feeling like you have to meet someone else’s expectations can add to heaviness of the holidays. Know what matters to you and strive for that, first and foremost.
On the other hand, how long do the holidays last? Two dinners together can’t last longer than, say, twelve hours all together? Six hours each, maybe? Of course, in some families, even that much time can feel like an eternity. It may be that you have to set boundaries in order to ensure that your needs are met. This could mean limiting your exposure to family gatherings or festivities in whatever way makes them manageable or palatable. Two hours per event? Three? A $10 limit per gift? No gifts? Whatever you decide, no guilt necessary; you’re simply doing what you need to do.
Is there somebody you can talk to? There is always somebody, even if that person is a therapist, support group, help line, or faith or church community. I can assure you that you are not alone, and that many other people out there would likely find comfort in knowing you feel the same way they do. If you can’t bear the thought of family time, let like-minded people be your tribe this season—a season that will mercifully pass.
Sincerely,
Lynn
Lynn Somerstein
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Leigh
November 20th, 2015 at 9:35 AMNo this does not make you a bad person
But you could look at the bright side of the season and be grateful for the wonderful things that I know you have in your life right now
The tendency is to always focus on the things that we long for and do not have, but let’s flip it around this holiday season and be thankful for the love that we do still receive and have in our lives.anonymous
December 13th, 2016 at 1:42 PMLeigh,
I understand where you are coming from when you say that we should focus on the things that we are grateful for instead of what we are lacking. However, I do not believe this is the wisest thing to tell someone who is suffering through the holidays. Yes there are many people who are worse off than us, who do not have shelter or food or loving families but this fact should not be used to minimize the suffering of those who do have all of those things. For many, the aversion towards the holiday season comes from not only being single or alone, it could come from being forced to be surrounded by toxic family members or acquaintances in an environment in which the expectation is to be in a relationship or have a career and be happy. Those expectations become heightened around the holidays which is why telling someone (who may not only be single but maybe career-less or maybe stuck in a career they don’t like) that they should be grateful for those same family members and everything they do have this time of the year can cause feelings of guilt shame and self loathing. This person might think that something is wrong with them because they cannot show gratitude. I may have veered off a bit but my point is that we don’t know exactly why a person is suffering, it could be because of multiple reasons, it could also be because the environment in which they live is toxic, but telling someone to be grateful for the things they have when we don’t know what they are thinking inside or where they come from or what exactly they are suffering from is not the wisest thing to do. That is just my opinion, hope it doesn’t come off as rude.
peace.Kim
November 20th, 2015 at 4:54 PMSo…I need therapy if I hate the holidays. Hmmm. Sorry. Not true and everyone reading this needs to know that.
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