Help! I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Like Having Sex with Her

Please help me save my marriage. I have been married for three years to an amazing woman. The problem is that I don't like having sex with her. She has a high sex drive, but I'm just not attracted to her sexually the way I have been with previous girlfriends. I don't know why, but physically she's not really my type, and what she likes isn't really what I like. I'm in love with her personality, with the woman she is as a whole. I feel bad when I pretend to be too tired for sex or not feeling well, but I feel even worse when I go through the motions for her sole benefit. I put on a good show, when I put on a show at all. I've even faked orgasms. How many men do that? Anyway, the point is I really love my wife and I don't ever want to leave her—but neither of us is really happy with what's going on (or not going on) in the bedroom, and I know that's an important part of a good and stable marriage, especially in your thirties. What can I do? —Missing Something
Dear Missing Something,

Thank you for your very honest question. This is, obviously, a sensitive topic. But you might take heart in the fact it is not all that uncommon an issue among couples.

In this case, it sounds like you have great respect for your wife but something is getting in the way of your enjoying physical intimacy. It also sounds like you struggle with the “double whammy” of feeling bad about your feelings about sex. In other words, you have a difficulty and then bad feelings about the difficulty. Try to give yourself a break with the latter, at least. It doesn’t sound as though you are intending to be unkind or selfish. It does sound as though there is some unconscious obstacle to enjoying closeness with your wife, whom you obviously love very much.

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You say she isn’t your “type” physically but also mention that with regard to sexual preferences, what she likes differs from what you like. The specifics don’t matter for our purposes here. What matters is that whatever she’s into isn’t your cup of tea. Again, this frequently happens with married couples, who discover a difference in sexual preferences or desires (or level of intensity, etc.) and then feel stuck in how to reconcile these differences, which may have very different meanings to each partner. What is edgy or exciting to one may be frightening or alienating to the other, and so on.

The first question that crossed my mind has to do with the timing of discovering that she isn’t your type, even though you obviously love her and want to be with her. Were you aware of this before marriage? Let’s say for the sake of argument you were. This to me could mean that (1) there are other qualities about her that drew you to her and made up what is lacking sexually, and/or (2) the sexual attractiveness factor was separated or minimized in your decision to marry.

I’d be curious about the underlying motivations here. The overall tone of your question suggests that perhaps your biggest struggle is with (I’m guessing) guilt or shame you feel about disappointing her sexually, rather than your own shortage of satisfaction. She seems to initiate sex, is how I interpret this, whereas you’d be happy just letting it go.

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today.

Is it possible that, as with many young men, sex was too important in earlier relationships, so that you consciously decided to put sexual attractiveness or compatibility on the backburner with this relationship? That too much emphasis on sex (or something else about you) might turn her off? Do you compensate in the marriage with use of pornography or other self-satisfying methods? (If so, what would happen if you took a break? Would sex with your wife become more viable or enticing?) Did or do you struggle with sexual insecurities, as many people do (but are reluctant to talk about), which makes sexuality difficult or anxiety-provoking, even emotionally dangerous?

If I were your therapist, I’d be curious to empathically explore whether sexual compatibility was an issue before marriage, and what your motivations were to look for other factors in moving forward with marriage. I’d be even more curious to understand what sex means to you today. Was there guilt, possibly, over making sex a priority earlier on, or guilt or shame now about sexual enjoyment? Sometimes men are so intent on being respectful to women that they make their own desires and wants much less important, for fear of being a “pig” (which usually means they aren’t one). They may be ashamed of their sexual interests. Or they have developed a habit with porn (this may not apply to you) that they are ashamed of. Again, you are the one faking orgasm—so that, I surmise, your wife will not be disappointed or unhappy.

I wonder, in other words, about your sexual pleasure and happiness, which from what I gather is not as important as the other factors that make you crazy about your gal. If so, why? Perhaps your pleasure would also make her happy. Does she understand that her preferences, the things she likes to do in bed that you don’t, just are not doing it for you? It might be helpful to examine what it is you don’t like about these preferences. Is it that she is initiating them? Is there something emotionally or symbolically uncomfortable about it? Is sex too emotionally risky because one gets “naked” in a variety of ways (not just literally)? One simplistic example: A man with an overly controlling mother might be fearful of allowing a woman to lead the sexual dance too often, or forcefully, even if to her it doesn’t seem all that frequent or forceful; these are the types of differences that have to be gently and sensitively co-examined and mutually understood.

Each of us makes specific meanings of sex; for some, it may be a chance to express feelings and passions that can’t be said verbally, outside the bedroom. Some like darker or rougher sex, a way of expressing parts of themselves they feel can’t be “let out” otherwise (for various reasons). Some assertive people like to be more submissive (or remain assertive) in bed, and vice versa. Our choices come in so many different shapes and colors, choices that can mean very different things to a partner. What is enticing to some may be threatening to others, which can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings if not looked at in an empathic way.

To my mind, the most important thing is finding a way to communicate some of this—after your own self-examination and reflection, probably—with your wife, to avoid build-up of resentment, anxiety, or other emotional distancing. I might also take a look to see if there are other habits or methods of self-care that create distance between you and her. You might even want to seek out a couples counselor to help with this; even a few sessions can be helpful in assisting the communication and compromises necessary in this area, as with so many others.

It sounds like you care about your wife very much, which I found touching. I can only imagine she will be equally touched by your sincere effort to maintain or even build upon your connection with her, as she obviously means a great deal to you. And just because we have a problem doesn’t mean we are a problem.

Thanks for writing in.

Sincerely,
Darren

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction as well as co-occurring issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (especially sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and physical and sexual abuse.
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  • Tess

    May 15th, 2015 at 11:43 AM

    How sad- this is usually the opposite with the wife not wanting to have sex, so to hear this from the male perspective is pretty eye opening.

    Reply

  • Moby

    September 13th, 2016 at 10:04 PM

    Its the same with my wife, I would rather ejaculate to porn until the time comes when i do desire her, or someone els

    Reply

  • James

    January 28th, 2019 at 1:59 PM

    Same, I go for porn every time, I’m not interested in my wife sexually. I’m ashamed to say….

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