Your friend is going to be hurt. There is no way around that. When you made the choice to start hanging out with your best friend’s ex without telling her, that’s when you made the decision to hide your actions, and possibly your feelings, from her. On some level you must have known that she would be bothered by it, and you chose not to tell her. I don’t say this to judge or to blame, but I think it is important to be clear about what has been happening.
She will very likely be devastated and feel betrayed by her best friend and by the man she thought she had a lasting future with. I wish I could tell you otherwise, but I think you already know this.
In some ways, you’ve already made your choice. You feel this man could be the love of your life, and you’ve chosen to begin a relationship with him. I think what you are looking for is a way to share this with your friend without losing her friendship. That may not be possible. I think you are also hoping to alleviate some guilt you may be feeling about hurting someone you care deeply about. You can spend time and mental energy finding all kinds of justifications for your choices, but that’s not going to be helpful, ultimately.
You believe this relationship could be serious and real, so why not stop hiding? Own up to your feelings. You can’t expect your friend to be happy for you, not right away, at least, and perhaps not ever. What you can do is honor your long-standing friendship by being honest with her about what is happening, and own the fact you know you have hurt her. Let her know you are sorry she is hurting, and allow her to react however she chooses to. She is entitled to be angry, hurt, and sad. I think you show wisdom in recognizing how you would feel were the situation reversed. Keep that in mind when you talk with her.
Your friend may have a hard time being around you or seeing the two of you together. That is understandable. Mutual friends may weigh in on both sides of the issue. There will be no shortage of people with opinions and judgment. She, or others, may try to make you feel guilty or ashamed of what has happened. You do not have to accept those feelings. Is it unfortunate that you have fallen for your friend’s ex? Yes. Would it have been better to talk with her before things got to this point? Sure. However, all you can do now is own your choices and move forward with honesty and integrity.
You also have the opportunity to use this experience as a chance for some introspection. Most of us have beliefs about ourselves and how we would react in hypothetical situations. I imagine you once thought that you would never choose a guy over a friendship. Those beliefs get put to the test when we are confronted with real-world feelings and experiences. When confronted by real and conflicting feelings, you chose the potential of a serious romantic relationship over your friendship. This may have been a really wise choice or a poor choice. Only time will tell if this choice was worth it. Understanding what led you to make the choice, and finding some peace around your decision, will be important for you. If you find you are struggling with feelings of guilt or sadness in the aftermath of your talk with your friend, I encourage you to seek out support from a counseling professional.
I will add one more word of caution. Consider how much you can and should trust a man who would break up with someone so abruptly after four years and within two weeks seek solace from her best friend. I am not saying that what you have isn’t real, but might you find yourself in a similar situation four years from now? I imagine your friend thought their love was the real thing, too. You are sacrificing a long-lasting friendship for an uncertain future. Make sure your confidence is not misplaced.
Best of luck,
Erika
The preceding article was solely written by the author named above. Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org.