Help! My Family Doesn’t Approve of My Relationship

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

I’ve been seeing this wonderful girl for over three years now, and my parents still have not warmed up to her. She and I are a perfect fit, very compatible, but not too similar. We introduce one another to new experiences, resolve our differences pretty well, and have fun together. It seems like the only piece missing is the fact my parents—whole family, really—don’t approve. They’re nice enough when we’re all together and have never been cruel to her outright, but my sister has made comments on the side about how I “could do better,” and my dad says vaguely insulting things like, “I always pictured you with someone … different.” I’ve also heard them mock her voice and make some jokes at her expense.

I’ve never asked what, exactly, they find fault with, but if I had to register a guess it would be that my girlfriend didn’t go to college and has a nontraditional job. She’s not a deadbeat, by any means, and she’s still one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. She just doesn’t fit their view of what a well-educated person on a definite career track looks like. Otherwise, she blends very well with my family in terms of humor, ideology, political beliefs—pretty much any category that actually matters.

I really, really want to marry this woman, and could see myself popping the question in the next six months to a year, except that I desperately want my family on my side when I do. We’re a relatively small, tight-knit group, and it’s important to me that they at least see my love for her and understand she’s here to stay. Does this require a family meeting-type scenario to iron out our differences? Or should I just forge ahead and hope they jump on board and become supportive soon? —Meet the Mockers

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Dear Mockers,

This is quite the dilemma. It sounds like you have found a partner with whom you’d like to build a life. While this is a beautiful thing, it is complicated by your family’s less-than-enthusiastic embrace of her. I imagine this leaves you feeling pulled between the people you love most.

I’m curious about how you have handled the times when your sister declares that you can do better or your dad says he imagined you with someone else. Do you push back against this and let them know this is a woman you love deeply and with whom you can imagine spending your life? If you have not, I wonder if talking to them about how serious you are about this woman and how unacceptable you find their remarks to be would sufficiently address the issue. Perhaps if they knew she was here to stay and you wouldn’t accept them being unkind to her, they would realize they needed to get on board, as you say.

I’m curious about how you have handled the times when your sister declares that you can do better or your dad says he imagined you with someone else. Do you push back against this and let them know this is a woman you love deeply and with whom you can imagine spending your life?

I find myself wondering if your girlfriend is aware of your family’s lukewarm feelings toward her. If she is aware, how does she feel about it? Does this cause any conflict between the two of you in your relationship? If she is aware of their feelings, perhaps a “family meeting-type scenario,” including her, as you suggest could be helpful for everyone involved. You may even want to enlist the help of a family therapist to help everyone talk through the conflict.

I’m also curious about the dynamics in your family. Is your sister in a serious relationship? Are you the first to try to bring someone new into the family? For some families, this can feel threatening in a sense. They might even see her introduction to the scene as a threat to your place in their lives.

Hopefully, through some conversations with your family, possibly including your girlfriend and/or a family therapist, everyone can come together. If not, you might need to decide how to proceed with your relationship with your girlfriend without your family’s support. These situations can be very painful, and you might find it helpful to partner with a therapist to help you process your feelings and determine the best course of action.

Kindly,

Sarah

Sarah Noel

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.