Help! My Husband Won’t Let Me Discipline His Children
Dear Marginalized Mom,
You have put your finger on one of the biggest challenges in blended families—the role of stepparents in discipline. There is no single right answer for this question; every family and family situation is unique. You are also a newly blended family and will experience growing pains as you all, kids included, adjust to this major change.
This may be hard to hear, but marrying your husband does not automatically make you “mom” to his kids. I hear your desire to parent, and I am sure you have so much love and guidance to offer them. If, however, you and your husband are not on the same page about your role, there is no way the kids will follow your lead. Your attempts to parent them without the support of your husband will only lead to confusion and tension and very likely resentment. You can still be a loving, responsible adult in their lives without having to be their parent.
You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle.
I often recommend to couples who are blending families that they discuss expectations and roles prior to making any major changes. It is not too late, however to have these conversations. I highly recommend that you and your husband enlist the help of a therapist who works with blended families to talk through your concerns. Your husband may have some specific reasons he wants you to stay out of the discipline realm.
You mention he doesn’t want the kids to have a negative view of you. Perhaps he is nervous that if you take on the role of disciplinarian, it will negatively impact their acceptance of you into the family or create conflict he isn’t ready to handle. One of the greatest challenges in blended families is a parent feeling like he or she has to choose between the new spouse and the kids. Your husband might be trying to avoid that dynamic by keeping your relationship with the kids strictly positive. You may or may not agree with those reasons, but talking about them is the first step, and a trained therapist can help nurture and guide that conversation.
It is important for your role in the family to be clear to everyone. You are entitled to respect as a member of the family. With four children approaching the tween and teen years, you can expect many challenges to authority—yours and your husband’s. It is critical that you act as a team with shared understanding and purpose. What that understanding is will depend very much on what works for all of you.
Best of luck!
Erika
Erika Myers
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Tracy C.
April 24th, 2015 at 9:35 AMI am sorry but these children became your children too when you married this man. When they are with you and they are in your home you should be able to love them like they are your own and discipline them like they are your own too.
Erika
April 24th, 2015 at 12:23 PM@tracy- I can’t disagree more strongly to your comment. As a therapist who works with blended families, I know that there is no “on” switch for kids to accept a new parent into their lives. Just because mom or dad chooses a new partner does not mean that the kids are choosing a new parent. These are relationships that take time. Respect, yes. Setting house rules, you bet. Assuming a parental relationship right away- and expecting that to be received because a wedding happened, that isn’t realistic.
Rico
April 24th, 2015 at 6:06 PMSo what would one say if I tell you I raised him with his mom ever since he was three years old. Now he is fifteen & pretends as if I don’t exist????
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