Help! My Mother-in-Law Is Taking My Husband Away from Me

My husband's mother continually butts into our lives. She moved in with us, which was supposed to be a six-month arrangement. That stretched to 14 months, and she has only recently moved to her own apartment. However, she is over at our house every weekend, from Friday night to Sunday night. Also, there are several times during the week when my husband is at her apartment, taking away from our time together. We have had several fights about this, as I feel ignored and he feels stuck. He says he can't say no to her, but he seems to have no problem saying no to me. I feel like he puts her feelings well above mine and my feelings/opinions are of no importance. —Second Fiddle
Dear Second Fiddle,

This is a classic in-law conundrum. Many spouses can feel torn between their responsibilities to their families of origin and the families they are creating. It feels like a no-win situation for everyone involved. The quick—and oversimplified—response is that your husband needs to choose which of those families is his top priority and set appropriate boundaries. In reality, however, the issue tends to be far more complex.

It sounds as if your husband (and perhaps his mother) believes him to be her sole source of physical and emotional support. Not responding to her needs is quite possibly laden with guilt and fear for your husband. It also sounds as if you have been incredibly accommodating (living with you for 14 months?) but that you are tired of being patient and feeling less important.

If you both can feel like you are on the same side, I suspect the pressure each of you feels will be reduced tremendously.

Fighting about it and competing with his mother for attention will only result in hurt feelings all around and a growing distance between you and your husband. When partners feel forced to choose, some will choose parents over partners; this can do irrevocable damage to relationships. I recommend that you seek out and work with a couples counselor to find ways to support each other as you navigate this dilemma together. Hear him when he says he feels “stuck.” He doesn’t see a viable solution, so working with someone who can offer a broader perspective and help you remain a team is very important.

It sounds as if your husband might also benefit from working on how to set workable boundaries with his mother without feeling the guilt he’s likely experiencing. Through that process, he will need empathy from you. When you feel (naturally) frustrated, try to imagine your husband stuck in the middle of a tug-of-war between wanting to meet your needs and wanting to meet his mother’s. Then imagine you and your husband pulling together in the same direction. If you both can feel like you are on the same side, I suspect the pressure each of you feels will be reduced tremendously.

Best of luck,
Erika