Help! My Only Friends Are Homophobic and Don’t Know I’m Gay
Dear Friend in Need,
Real friends are supportive of one another. You may think that the buddies you hang out with are the ones you need, but I think they are just the ones that are around—friends of convenience more than friends of the heart. Even if they really are good friends in many ways, I hope you’ll be able to find friends you can be real with, as they can be with you.
These two are not enough for you; you’re not satisfied, nor should you be. It might behoove you to step around a bit, gently challenge your tendency to be alone, reach out, and try to connect with other people. One or two more people to hang with might make a big difference, especially if they are genuine and expect you to simply be yourself. That might sound difficult, and for many introverted people, it is indeed difficult. It sounds like you could really benefit from connection, though, and connection does take some effort and perhaps even discomfort. That discomfort is not unique to you; many people struggle with finding people they can click with. There are websites, of course, that try to assist with this, and to minimize any angst involved.
In any case, one or two close friends can be enough if the relationships are honest, deep, and true, but 100 friends who are not authentic are not enough because the relationships are essentially empty; they aren’t nourishing and supportive, as they should be. You’re looking for real friends who are capable of deep and honest feelings.
In any case, one or two close friends can be enough if the relationships are honest, deep, and true, but 100 friends who are not authentic are not enough because the relationships are essentially empty; they aren’t nourishing and supportive, as they should be. You’re looking for real friends who are capable of deep and honest feelings.
How can you find real friends? You say you are shy and introverted and that making friends is difficult; I can feel what that’s like, and it gets lonely sometimes. (On the other hand, the ability to enjoy being alone and introspective can be a gift.) What can you do, though, when you want to hang out with somebody? Some people find a place or a person or a situation where help is needed and then they provide it. They might join an organization devoted to feeding the homeless, for example, and volunteer their services. Or they might join the service society in their school. If you need help, give help, as you’ll probably wind up getting help.
If you’re with people who have a purpose that’s directed outward, and your attention is directed outward too, it is a bit easier to be friendly because you have a common goal, which gives you all something to talk about. Another benefit of a common goal is that it can take everybody’s attention away from themselves and turn the focus instead to an activity that will help them arrive at the goal. This makes many people feel more comfortable, as the situation expands to include much outside of themselves. The idea is to find something that is bigger than yourself, which helps you feel less self-conscious, eventually, and gives you something that bonds you together with others.
Finding a group that bonds around a common interest can help, too. This interest could be anything—music, chess, old movies, basketball. Look around and you’ll find a place for yourself, or you’ll make a place for yourself and find that others may join you. After all, you’re not the only person feeling shy and introverted; others feel that way, too.
What you give can be what you get, so my recommendation is to find somebody who needs a friend and be one for that person.
Best wishes,
Lynn
Lynn Somerstein
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Janeen
October 23rd, 2015 at 10:46 AMYou at this point do not need this kind of negativity in your life.
There are some great people out there waiting to become your friend, you just haven’t met them yet.Tolly
October 23rd, 2015 at 3:06 PMIf you don’t think that there is any way that you could ever live as your true self with these people, then do you honestly believe that they are worth remaining a part of your life? I very strongly believe that if someone loves you then they love you no matter what, and if that means that you are gay or straight or whatever they will still care for you. You should never have to hide what is on the inside.
Joe
October 23rd, 2023 at 7:29 PMI dont like boys
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