Help! My Partner Doesn’t Seem to Like My Child
Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I am a mother of one child, and I share custody of that child with her father. I’ve been divorced for seven years, and for the last two I’ve been seeing someone I’ve become really close to. We’ve lately been discussing getting a place together, but there’s one thing that’s been bothering me—he doesn’t seem to like my child. He’s not mean, short, or even rude. He just doesn’t engage her, doesn’t talk to her much, and doesn’t seek out interactions with her. In fact, it’s like he’d rather pretend she isn’t there, unless he has to do otherwise. He prefers to go out and take trips when my daughter is with her father, even though I’ve said frequently that I’d like to include her in the future, at least some of the time.
My daughter is 8 and reasonably well-behaved, well-mannered, energetic but not too wild—in short, she’s a typical kid and acts like one. There are no underlying factors of health or behavior that might complicate the situation, and she really seems to like my boyfriend and though she hasn’t yet seemed to notice that he often brushes her off, I’m worried she’ll begin to and be hurt by it.
I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but he says he likes her just fine, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to talk to kids. It was a relief to hear that the first time, and I said he could talk to her about anything—a show she likes, the book she’s reading, or her friends at school, etc. But the next time they were around each other, nothing changed. This has become a pattern, and so I’ve mostly stopped bringing it up.
I haven’t dated much since my divorce, so I don’t have anything to compare this to. Is this normal? Should this be a deal-breaker? How can I find out what’s really going on, and whether it’s something that can change? —Mulling Mom
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Dear Mulling,
Thank you for sharing what sounds like a deeply complex dilemma. Dating when you have a child is so very hard because you are ideally looking for two connections—one between you and your partner and another between your partner and your child. It sounds like you have one of those connections, but not the other, and you’re trying to decide where to go from here.
I find myself feeling curious if you’ve talked to your daughter about how she feels about your partner. If you haven’t, it seems like it might be time. Invite her to be honest, and ask simple questions. Does she like him? How does she feel when she spends time with him? Is there anything she doesn’t like about him? What does she wish was different about him? Keep the questions directed at her experience of him; do not ask her to weigh in on your decisions about the relationship—that’s too much responsibility for a child to take on. After such a conversation, you may have a better understanding of her experience of him.
Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter.
Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter. For example, if the conversation with her validates your belief she is unaware that she is being brushed off, this doesn’t mean she will remain unaware. You indicate a concern she will notice and it will hurt her. I think that is a valid concern. As she grows, she will almost certainly realize his disinterest in her, which may be hurtful in the moment but may also send a message to her about what she should expect in her own relationships.
You ask how you can find out “what’s really going on” and if it can change. This can only be addressed with him. It sounds like you haven’t seen any change in his behavior with your daughter and the conversation between you and him is so unproductive that you have ceased having it. Perhaps it’s time to consider enlisting the support of a couples therapist. If both of you are willing, a therapist can help you to move beyond this impasse and have a more productive conversation.
If he is unwilling to engage in therapy with you, it might be a good idea to engage in your own therapy. This is gut-wrenching. You’ve found a relationship you feel happy in after your divorce but question—with good reason—what the impact might be for your daughter. There are no easy answers here, and having the support of a therapist could be helpful as you try to set a course for your future.
Best wishes,
Sarah Noel
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Shelley
August 18th, 2017 at 2:42 PMI think that it is time to not only have a good long talk with your partner but also a good long look at yourself. This is obviously not the kind of relationship that you want to get into if the person that you are with does not love and respect this child like he would his own. Step families can already be so confusing and complicated for any family, especially those with young children. Don’t ever make the mistake of letting your child feel like you have chosen a partner over her.
Adrian
August 21st, 2017 at 7:13 AMI have a different perspective than Ms. Noel and even Shelley…. I am in a relationship where I am in the role of your boyfriend… I am married, and my husband has a 19 year old step-son. Being in this step-mother role is not an easy one. You are expected to take on the same responsibility yet “you aren’t the parent” and the child is allowed to not have to listen to you. Part of what I could imagine going on here is that you have someone from the opposite sex trying to figure out how to have a relationship with a child who they have nothing in common with besides you. For example when I met my step son he was cordial, but he would not talk to me, and if he did it was one word answers. I want a relationship with him, but I don’t know how. His main interests is watching sports and playing sports. I have gone to his games, I have played with him, but I can not have a conversation about sports because it does not interest me. Kids know when people are faking and trying too hard too. Now that he is a bit older and in college I reach out to him to help him with his resume or job skills and I’m still pushed away. Without you there would be no relationship between your daughter and your boyfriend. My advice would be to create activities where everyone can have fun and interact like playing board games, doing a science project together, going swimming, something where you have to interact with each other and it’s not forced. It takes a VERY long time, YEARS to build a relationship like that, don’t expect to rush it. My step son has a step father who has essentially raised him as his own, they get along well. He’s been in his life nearly his entire life and they have everything in common. I think sometimes it is easier to forge a relationship with step-children who are the same sex. My husband was married before he met me and his first wife experienced the same challenges forging a relationship as I have with his son. The difference is I have been myself, and genuine. I don’t bombard my step-son with routine questions, “How’s your mom? How’s school? How’s sports?” My husband sees that the relationship is not the greatest, but he also sees that is just how his son has up a wall. He’s not outwardly rude or disrespectful towards me and right now that’s all I can really ask for. I’ve had to give up my idea of how perfect I wished my blended family would be and accept it for what it is. It’s hard. I’ve heard if you want to have a marriage or relationship work you put your spouse first, not your kids. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Sure you make sure their basic needs are met. But remember your kids are not your significant other. It’s a delicate balance. I can’t tell you how resentful I have felt towards my husband at times for putting his son above me… His son would be inconsistent about wanting to visit. He had his own car and would drive yet text my husband last minute to pick him up which was a 3 hour round trip drive and we would already have other plans that had to be cancelled. (I don’t understand why his son would never drive to visit us, and why we always had to pick him up and drop him off at his mother’s house.) Or how we would look forward to see him because we made plans and at the last minute something would come up and he would cancel on us. I felt like my life was being run by a teenager with no boundaries, and no consequences taken place. It takes a special person to be accepting of walking into a situation where they’re not the first spouse, and there are kids involved. It’s a role that can be overlooked and taken for granted. It gets complicated for everyone when you are divorced and have kids from another relationship. Please realize that this is not your boyfriend’s child and he doesn’t have to have any feelings towards her, the same for your daughter. They don’t have to love each other, and they don’t even have to like each other, but they do need to be respectful to each other. Kids in these types of situations can learn to be EXTREMELY manipulative. They know there is a breakdown in communication between you and your ex most likely, and possibly your significant other and they will use it to their advantage to get what they want. At 8 years old that may look like “Mom can I have a cookie before dinner?” “No.” ” Dad can I have a cookie?” “Sure!” But what does this look like as a teenager? Suzie Q is grounded by mom for texting naked selfies to her boyfriend. Suzzie Q goes to dad’s for the weekend, ” Hey dad can I go out to the movies with some friends ( and boyfriend)?” “Here’s $20, have a good time.” There needs to be communication between all adults to be on the same page with the kid. Everyone is going to want to be the fun parent and the most likeable. When your daughter is with your ex you have no idea what’s going on when she is not with you. The other side of your daughter’s family can also play a big role in her interactions with him. I was raised in a blended family and as a kid I didn’t know how offensive it would be to my mom’s side of the family to also call my step-mom (at the time girlfriend) mom also. Your daughter may feel like she is betraying her father by befriending your boyfriend. The whole thing is a complex issue for sure. Maybe I went a little overboard here with my comment, but I’ve lived it as the child, and I’ve lived it as the wife/ step-mother.
Angela
May 12th, 2020 at 8:58 AMI’m experincing this right now. My partners son will ask for snacks at 10:30p and midnight and he gives it to him. I asked why would he allow a child to eat snacks at that hour and he responded with he’s going to be up all night anyway. A few weeks ago, his son was on the phone past 10pm and when I advised him that it was time to get off the phone he told me that his mom told him that he didn’t have to listen to me. This disruptive behavior is causing major issues in my household and I dread any interaction with him because I’m always the bad guy. I came from a blended family and me and my stepmom had a good relationship. We treated each other with respect and as a child I never did anything to manipulate the situation.
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