Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I am a mother of one child, and I share custody of that child with her father. I’ve been divorced for seven years, and for the last two I’ve been seeing someone I’ve become really close to. We’ve lately been discussing getting a place together, but there’s one thing that’s been bothering me—he doesn’t seem to like my child. He’s not mean, short, or even rude. He just doesn’t engage her, doesn’t talk to her much, and doesn’t seek out interactions with her. In fact, it’s like he’d rather pretend she isn’t there, unless he has to do otherwise. He prefers to go out and take trips when my daughter is with her father, even though I’ve said frequently that I’d like to include her in the future, at least some of the time.
My daughter is 8 and reasonably well-behaved, well-mannered, energetic but not too wild—in short, she’s a typical kid and acts like one. There are no underlying factors of health or behavior that might complicate the situation, and she really seems to like my boyfriend and though she hasn’t yet seemed to notice that he often brushes her off, I’m worried she’ll begin to and be hurt by it.
I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but he says he likes her just fine, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to talk to kids. It was a relief to hear that the first time, and I said he could talk to her about anything—a show she likes, the book she’s reading, or her friends at school, etc. But the next time they were around each other, nothing changed. This has become a pattern, and so I’ve mostly stopped bringing it up.
I haven’t dated much since my divorce, so I don’t have anything to compare this to. Is this normal? Should this be a deal-breaker? How can I find out what’s really going on, and whether it’s something that can change? —Mulling Mom
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Dear Mulling,
Thank you for sharing what sounds like a deeply complex dilemma. Dating when you have a child is so very hard because you are ideally looking for two connections—one between you and your partner and another between your partner and your child. It sounds like you have one of those connections, but not the other, and you’re trying to decide where to go from here.
I find myself feeling curious if you’ve talked to your daughter about how she feels about your partner. If you haven’t, it seems like it might be time. Invite her to be honest, and ask simple questions. Does she like him? How does she feel when she spends time with him? Is there anything she doesn’t like about him? What does she wish was different about him? Keep the questions directed at her experience of him; do not ask her to weigh in on your decisions about the relationship—that’s too much responsibility for a child to take on. After such a conversation, you may have a better understanding of her experience of him.
Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter.
Even with an understanding of how she feels about your partner, it’s important to remember you are the parent and you are responsible for making the best decisions for your daughter. For example, if the conversation with her validates your belief she is unaware that she is being brushed off, this doesn’t mean she will remain unaware. You indicate a concern she will notice and it will hurt her. I think that is a valid concern. As she grows, she will almost certainly realize his disinterest in her, which may be hurtful in the moment but may also send a message to her about what she should expect in her own relationships.
You ask how you can find out “what’s really going on” and if it can change. This can only be addressed with him. It sounds like you haven’t seen any change in his behavior with your daughter and the conversation between you and him is so unproductive that you have ceased having it. Perhaps it’s time to consider enlisting the support of a couples therapist. If both of you are willing, a therapist can help you to move beyond this impasse and have a more productive conversation.
If he is unwilling to engage in therapy with you, it might be a good idea to engage in your own therapy. This is gut-wrenching. You’ve found a relationship you feel happy in after your divorce but question—with good reason—what the impact might be for your daughter. There are no easy answers here, and having the support of a therapist could be helpful as you try to set a course for your future.
Best wishes,
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