He’s an Introvert, I’m an Extrovert. Are We Doomed?
Dear Social Suzie,
Thank you for this question. Handling the extroversion/introversion combination in a couple is something that many couples face. I’ve seen it quite frequently in my practice. Your “opposites attract” reference makes a lot of sense to me in understanding this dynamic. In the early days of dating, the extrovert/introvert match can create a certain ease in the interaction—the introvert can sit back, observe, and reflect on how he/she is experiencing the date while the extrovert can process his/her experience of the date by talking, sharing, asking questions, and driving the conversation. After the first couple of dates, the introvert can go home and quietly reflect and the extrovert can go home and talk about the date with friends and family.
Everything moves along quite smoothly until casual dating turns into a more serious relationship. At this point, some of the challenges of the introversion/extroversion combination start to become clearer. That seems to be where you and your boyfriend are now. Like most extroverts, it sounds like you thrive on having a very active social life and you want your boyfriend to be a part of that social life. But, like most introverts, he probably thrives in a quieter environment with more solitude.
Extroverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy, by engaging in an external world of people and things. Introverts tend to have a preference for, and gain energy by, engaging in an internal world of thoughts and ideas. It’s important to understand this concept because it can help both of you avoid taking these things personally. Absent this understanding, your boyfriend might feel controlled and scheduled by your attempts to include him in your social life, and you might feel rejected by his hesitation. Another benefit of fully understanding this concept lies in the word preference—neither of you is dealing with an inability here, and that means you can both compromise. For example, when you are hosting, maybe your boyfriend can be there for an hour or two and then he can slip out and return when the gathering is over. Or perhaps there can be an agreed-upon limit on the frequency or duration of the gatherings.
I think open and honest communication is going to be the key here. If you two can develop a deeper understanding of where you are each coming from and the role that your preferences toward introversion and extroversion are playing, you’ll likely be able to come up with some compromises that feel agreeable. Working through this process together may even improve and deepen the relationship that you have with each other. If you find you are having trouble getting through these conversations on your own, consider enlisting the help of a couples therapist. I know you mentioned your boyfriend was not interested in individual therapy, but perhaps he would be agreeable to couples therapy that focused on addressing this issue in your relationship.
Best wishes,
Sarah
Sarah Noel
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Laurel G.
June 20th, 2014 at 11:54 AMNo, I don’t think that you are doomed at all.
MY husband and I have the exact same dynamic and actually it is kind of nice to have that dynamic most of the time because I think that for us it helps us balance things out probably a little better than we ever could on our own. It has taken me some time to get used to the fact that he often feeds off of his time alone whereas I dervive a lot of my energy from being around other people, but in the years we have been together I think that we have become used to what the other needs and somehow we are always able to provide that for one another. It is kind of nice sometimes when I am tired and would still feel inclined to go out to have him encourage me to stay in and we get to have some time all for ourselves.daria
June 21st, 2014 at 6:11 AMMy only concern would be that eventually you are going to get tired of feeling like you have to meet his needs by staying home all the time or he might be pressured to be something that he isn’t if he wants to be with you all the time.
Sebastian
June 23rd, 2014 at 4:26 AMIf this is already a problem now, I can promise you that this is a problem that will only continue to grow and get worse. This is one that you need to address now before the relationship goes any further because no matter how much we may think that we can change people, it never really happens like that. You see, we are who we are and really we need to look for those who enhance that and embrace that instead of those who always seem to be working against that. I think that this is something that probably a lot of couples struggle with but I believe that it is better to know from the very beginning what you are getting and understand the things that you can put aside and live with and those that are ultimately deal breakers.
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