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How Can I Help My Adult Child with Depression?

How Can I Help My Adult Child with Depression?

Dear GoodTherapy.org,

My adult daughter is incredibly gifted (she tested around 130 IQ), but she has pretty serious depression. The sleeps-all-day, forgets-to-eat kind. It took her an extra two years to graduate from college because she kept turning assignments in late. Once she got her engineering degree, everyone thought she’d get a job easily, but she bombed all her interviews. Eventually she ended up working as a waitress.

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She’s been in therapy for a year now, and her more serious symptoms have improved. My daughter says she wants to quit her job and go to graduate school. However, she keeps procrastinating on applications and missing deadlines. When I try to ask about her progress, she clams up and shuts me out.

I know she’s an adult now. I can’t do everything for her. But I would hate to see my daughter’s depression sabotage her career. All she needs is a little support for her condition.

Should I take a more active role in guiding my child? Or is my daughter’s procrastination a sign she’s not actually ready for graduate school? I want her to reach her full potential, but I don’t want to push her into a situation she can’t handle. —Not an Empty Nester Yet

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Dear Not an Empty Nester,

It can be so hard to watch someone you love struggle. It can be even harder when you feel so helpless. Your daughter is an adult, is in therapy, and has to be in charge of her future. Your desire to help her comes from a loving place, but sadly, it is not the kind of help she needs.

Often when we try to help our kids by smoothing their path or taking care of things for them, we unintentionally signal that we’re not confident in their ability to manage things. This can reinforce their self-doubts and contribute to their sense of helplessness and ineffectiveness. What our kids need more often is to hear and see from us that we believe they can manage their lives, and that we are available for support if they want it. Then we must step back and let them fall and pick themselves back up. It can be excruciating to watch, and of course we can intervene when they are in serious or life-threatening danger. Failure to reach potential, though, doesn’t meet that standard.

If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing.

It’s also not unusual for kids, even as they enter adulthood, to push back against the expectations they believe others (especially parents) have of them. If your daughter feels you are more invested in her graduate school applications than she is, she may lose some of her own motivation. Ultimately, she will have to decide what she wants and how much she wants to pursue it. If she owns her choices and the results of those choices, good or bad, she will move into adulthood on better footing. Maybe grad school is the right choice for her now, maybe not. Either way, she must choose how to live her life and forge her own path.

If you are wondering how best to support your daughter, could you ask to meet with her and her therapist? Her therapist might be able to offer ideas about how to communicate effectively with your daughter and offer her loving support in a way that bolsters her sense of self-efficacy. If not, perhaps you could find a therapist to work with to share your fears and concerns and identify a way to manage the anxiety you feel on your daughter’s behalf.

Best of luck,

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC

Erika Myers

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.

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129 comments
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Jennifer
May 2nd, 2018 at 11:46 AM
Hi Erika, I am “Not an Empty Nester” and I wanted to say thank you for responding to my letter. I think you’re right, I need to let her “own her choices” as you put it. I just hate to see her like this and it’s hard not being able to help her.

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Elvia
June 20th, 2019 at 7:44 PM
Hi Erika, My daughter is 29 years of age and living here at home. She has fallen into depression first because she had very hard years losing family members. Seemed like one after the other. Next she has hormone imbalance and got hormonal acne after having nasal surgery. She stated very unhappy seeing all this come down on herself and started to lose hair. Third, her boyfriend of 5 years had broke up with her last year and after he found out that she was doing much better came back into her life to do the same thing again on the same months, not talking to her and ignoring her. So therefore, this daughter of my is so depressed and just does not get motivated. She is being crying all day in bed but I did get her to eat. She keeps telling me she needs help but doesnt want to see a therapist or her primary doctor. Erika my hands are tide when she asks me to help her heart get happy again….. Don’t know what to do…. please help me!
Thank you!
Elvia

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Karen
July 21st, 2019 at 8:11 AM
Hi I find I am struggling with my daughter who is 38 and suffers with anxiety and depression, is it common for her to be really nasty toward me swearing and saying I am not there for her I am her mum and love her and this as been going on for 4 years it is only now she as managed to get a telephone appointment with a mental health team any help would be appreciated thank you Karen

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Natty
August 14th, 2019 at 10:13 AM
My Son who is 28 did the same things until finally he realized, medication can help you up to a certain point, is a tool, but a good therapist takes you a long way. two weeks ago he approached one that he was recommended. Hoping and praying he beings therapy soon. You also try to see a Therapist. I see mine once a month and it has helped me to coupe with the situation. Also support groups for you, they are free ones in Houston and most likely one where you live. Take care

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Tom
January 4th, 2020 at 11:47 AM
I have a 21 year old daughter that struggles with depression and she has suggested my wife and I try to get a better understanding of what she is dealing with. One avenue I am researching is reading material that would help me to understand what she is going through. Any suggestions of a book ( preferably not overly clinical ) that would provide some insight into depression in young female adults would be greatly appreciated. Thank you Tom

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Jane
February 24th, 2020 at 4:30 PM
Don’t have any recommendations unfortunately but as another 21 year old depressed woman, it makes me very happy to see you educating yourself and supporting your daughter!! Thank you, the world needs more parents like you and your wife!

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Confused Mom
August 10th, 2020 at 2:14 PM
I am going through the same with my 21yr old so i am trying a Therapist to see if that would help, i know it breaks our hearts to see our children like this.

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Helpless Dad
August 13th, 2020 at 1:20 PM
My daughter is 25 and going through what appears to be depression. She’s had 2 episodes of possible taking of pills after drinking sessions which she acknowledges is a trigger to feeling very low. Lockdown and isolation has affected her deeply this past 5. I the and she’s not in a good place. Really hard to sit by and see it happening whilst trying desperately not to force opinions and help on her. Feel sad and helpless and looking for more common sense advice such as I’ve read on here so any thoughts of those going through same or similar most welcome please. Thank you

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Leslie
August 24th, 2020 at 7:50 AM
I have exactly the same situation in my house with my 24 year old daughter. Shes seeing a therapist 1 x week. However, her procrastination is driving me crazy. How can I handle this part properly? She does very little to help around the house, and is slowly taking over our home by leaving her stuff everywhere and never putting things away. I am trying to be patient.

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alyssa
September 2nd, 2020 at 7:59 AM
I can relate to all of the parents on this blog. I have a 26 year old son who has struggled with depression for many years. He has been in therapy, and has had the support of family throughout. He has difficulty with any changes in his life, and feels overwhelmed by them. He recently moved back to Long Island from BInghamton NY where he lived with his girlfriend. He is living in a rental, as I cannot live with him. We don’t see eye to eye on many issues. He is overwhelmed by loans he needs to take out to pay for graduate school. I try to be supportive for him, and make suggestions, however anything I say is viewed as a negative by him. It is difficult to put yourself in the path of a frustrated, overwhelmed depressed child, when you are unable to help. I have always tried to “fix” things for him, but I know I can’t be the fixer. It’s very frustrating being in this situation and loving the person. Any advice is appreciated. Alyssa

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Jan
September 4th, 2020 at 7:19 AM
So, I’m not alone. Nothing is harder than watching your child (no matter how old) suffer. As parents we want to fix things. I’m having a hard time accepting that I can’t. It is up to her and I need to accept this. I love her so much.

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leslie
September 4th, 2020 at 7:34 PM
I just want my daughter to do something. I am so frustrated and angry watching her do nothing all day. She looks at tik-toc continuously. She is extremely smart. After attending college for 6 years ..flunked out. she has no debt. I paid for her entire college after her freshman year, since she lost her scholarship. she has no plans. she said she was going to enroll in online certificate program, but never did and the deadline has passed. She procrastinates with everything. she doent even do her laundry. it is a huge mound of dirty clothes. she now is wearing clothes from her sisters closet. I cant take much more. I really want her to move out. help ! She was taking antidepressants, but her prescription has run out and she has procrastinated making another appointment with her psychiatrist. Im trying to ignore all this and be patient, but its difficult.

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seema
September 8th, 2020 at 12:01 AM
My Daughter is 33 yrs. She has everything you can imagine. Took 3 extra yrs in college, could not decided what she wanted to do. I love her so much, but she will not let me come close to her. i was so happy she came today and spoke to me for a little while. I really don’t understand her. I need to find out what her insecurity is. She has never had a boyfriend because of it. How can i help her

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Dean
September 22nd, 2020 at 4:57 AM
I appreciate all the posts on this thread. I sense the love we all have for our children. My 20 year old daughter is facing similar challenges with this pandemic making matters significantly worse. Two years ago, she was an accomplished athlete on scholarship at her dream college away from home. She worked very hard to overcome terrible ADD to achieve this success. Fast forward two years, she no longer is on the team, she has dropped out of school, she had a job but lost it because of debilitating anxiety, refuses to seek from “Western Medicine” after experiencing withdrawal and borderline addiction to her ADD medication. She is distancing herself from her family and now her friends. I hear our therapist and others in this thread say, “there is nothing you can do but support and love,” but this is crushing my wife and I. She lives out of state, is couch surfing at a ex-co-worker’s apartment, and we are now getting calls from her close friend group that they are worried about her. She is angry, overwhelmed by the social injustice issues of the world, distancing from those who care most about her. We also believe she is likely self-medicating with marijuana. My questions are, at what point should you try to intervene? How do you do this without creating resentment? Please, please help!!

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Carolyn
October 19th, 2020 at 12:12 PM
I have a daughter and two sons. All of them are affected by depression. My older son was diagnosed with anxiety. He’s having a really hard time. What can I do to help him?

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Dave
October 20th, 2020 at 9:47 PM
I just want to say I feel for everyone on this board. We are going thru the same thing with our 19 year old daughter. Just tonight she is texting me telling me how she can’t go on with life as it’s too difficult and pointless. She suffers from anxiety and depression. She had 1 attempted suicide earlier this year and then was placed into a phyc ward for a couple weeks. She has suffered for basically her whole life but now things are getting really bad again. I wish there was an answer, she is on meds and getting counselling. It’s so painful and stressful to watch your child suffer like this. I’m not asking for help or sympathy just relaying my story as there seems to be alot of us out there. My wife and I really don’t know what to do or say to help her anymore. The really sad thing is she is telling this to me tonight how lonely she is while she has company there with her. How can you fix/repair a brain?

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Shelly
November 5th, 2020 at 7:36 PM
I am a Mom who want to help my depressed son. It has been severe for over 10 years. So many rollercoaster rides, and I am feeling exhausted. I enjoy reading these comments as there is some comfort in knowing others understand what I am feeling.

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Clau
November 8th, 2020 at 9:06 AM
I noticed my daughter cried yesterday and she was very sensitive, She told me that she is going through a depression, but she doesn’t want to talk about it or want any help from me . I don’t know the reasons , What can I do? I felt helpless to hear it and not being able to do anything.

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Gloria
December 15th, 2020 at 9:50 AM
It is so refreshing that I am not the only mother that deals with this. I have a 25 year old daughter that suffers from depression and anxiety. I find it so hard to deal with and to watch her suffer so much. I wish I had a happy pill to give her and fix everything. I recently started seeing a therapist, so I can get advice on how to deal with this all, or how I can help her. All we can do is be there for them, this is something that they are dealing with. My daughter has been seeing a Dr. for years, she is on medication, but nothing seems to help. Yes, I feel helpless! We will be trying a new treatment for her real soon. Sometimes I just have to pray and hope all will be ok. :(

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Gloria
December 15th, 2020 at 10:20 AM
Just be there for him. That is all we can do.

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Carolyn
December 16th, 2020 at 6:26 AM
Thank you for your response. It helps to meet someone going through a similar situation.

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Gloria
December 16th, 2020 at 7:48 AM
Of course. It does help to meet people going through the same thing. The hardest thing is watching our kids suffer and not be able to do anything. All we can do is show them that we care, and that we love them.

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Carolyn
December 16th, 2020 at 12:18 PM
I agree. Being a parent means being there for them from little to adult.

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Kellie
December 17th, 2020 at 2:01 PM
Thank you for all your messages. I have a 25 year old daughter. She has a quirky personality. She has been bullied in her teenage years and has grown hard over the years. She is very messy. Her room could be on an episode of Hoarders :( I try and reason with her. She cannot keep a job because it seems “everyone is out to get her”. In her defense, people have a hard time with her personality. They treat her differently. She has an associates degree but is really lagging on getting the bachelor’s degree. She makes a lot of excuses for everything. Some are logical others, Come on!! I am at a loss right now. I don’t know what to do. I worry so much. I support her 100% and I do not mind if it was to help her for her future. I think though, I am only hurting her future. She cries a lot and she has gone to a therapist. I do not think she is 100% truthful to the therapist. She doesn’t want to clean, she doesn’t want to take care of herself. She complains, that is what society is telling everyone. She wants to be her own person. She isn’t mean to me but she isn’t helpful either. :( I know I need therapy as well from just experiencing this with her. I want to help, I want her to be OK. I need to be stronger and let her do her thing no matter what outcome. It is hard, and I am scared for her. :( thanks for reading this.

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Dave
December 17th, 2020 at 2:58 PM
Kellie, we all feel your pain even if everyone’s children’s issues has different nuisances. My wife tells me that there is only so much we can do, we just need to be there for them when needed but we have to look out for our own sanity also. I can tell you with all the things going on in my life, children, work and finances, I’m almost at the end of my rope and struggle most days. It sounds like you are doing the right things not sure what else you could do. I really fear for the future with social media and how complicated living a daily life has become. These people who always say their life is perfect, with perfect kids make me want to puke most days. Maybe they are just the lucky ones.

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Gloria
December 17th, 2020 at 3:05 PM
HI Kelly, I think your story is so similar to mine. My daughter is so intelligent, says she want to continue her college and go on to get her degree in Dentistry, but she never does it. She has wasted years! I myself started seeing a counselor, just so I know how to deal with her. My daughter does see a psychiatrist every other week, she has been for the past 5 years. What I have learned is that they are pretty much just guinea pigs, so to speak. My daughter has tried every medication out there and nothing has helped, or it may help for a bit, then it is back to being depressed and anxious. What I have told my daughter is “you can keep your bedroom however you want, but my kitchen, living and dining area must be kept clean at all times. My daughter gets overwhelmed just trying to do her laundry. Honestly there is no helping them! They need to help themselves. They need to seek the help. Our kids are grown, and it is time we live for us. I know I have babied my daughter to no end, and so she is so dependent on me. I need to stop doing that. I need to do that in baby steps. That is the only way, they will become responsible for their own actions. Believe me I know exactly how you feel! My daughter is 25, and is very, very similar to your daughter. patience is very important, but at the same time, take care of you. Do the things you enjoy doing and let’s them figure out their own lives for a minute. Reach out to a counselor, they are a breath of fresh air and can help you put things into prospective. Thank you so much for reaching out to me. You are not alone, trust me.

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Carolyn
December 17th, 2020 at 7:21 PM
My adult son told me a couple of years ago that he had been diagnosed with anxiety. He did find a counselor and has regular visits. He doesn’t share anything about his sessions or what kind of medication he is on. Since the pandemic started he has worked from home and his anxiety has gotten worse. The last conversation we had was very difficult, he blames me and became nasty. I told him I loved him but have given him space since then. So hard!

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Alison
December 19th, 2020 at 4:10 AM
I too have a daughter who has depression. She had a lot of problems in her teenage years and lost her Dad 10 years ago. She has subsequently worked hard to gain a degree and set up her own business. She has also joined a gym and plays sport (subject to lockdown rules). She told me that she sees no point in living. She lives in her own house with 2 tenants and works from home so she doesn’t mix as much as she would like with friends. She has never had a good relationship with a man and would dearly love to meet someone and start a family but feels her time is running out. I have encouraged her to join a dating site as she has admitted she is lonely. She also has low self esteem and sees her peers all getting on with life and appearing ‘happy’. I am trying to support her long distance but she feels the world is against her. I think it is a very difficult time for the young looking to their future. I feel there must be many others who just need someone special in their life – even if it’s to do nothing with. I am interested to read all the comments on this site which make me realise I am not alone. I wish I could get all these youngsters together to talk…

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Gloria
December 21st, 2020 at 7:55 AM
Alison,
You are not alone. I think watching them suffer, we suffer as well. I know I have a very hard time dealing with my daughter’s depression and manic anxiety. I try not to show it, but some days are just so bad. Be there for her, encourage her. Let her know what a a beautiful person she is. That is all we can do! Just be there when they need us!

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Maureen
December 22nd, 2020 at 10:11 AM
This is tough. I feel all your pain very deeply and I suffer from the same as a parent of a 28 year old son with depression, anxiety and OCD. What is the answer? I have read a lot about the drug from the magic mushroom…psilocybin…and how studies are being done now at places like John Hopkins, on people who suffer from depression and anxiety and apparently it may be the answer we are all looking for. Apparently it is a shot deal…take the drug and your life is changed…I am trying to convince my son to try it, but he’s too nervous to be in the trials…so I may have to wait until its approved for all. Anyway, I just wanted to share that bit of news and to say I hope our kids gain mental health in 2021.

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Patsy
January 16th, 2021 at 7:28 PM
I have a 34 year old daughter that moved home after her engagement broke down. He had found a girlfriend. At that time both of her 12 year old dogs died within 2 months. They sold their townhouse that she was so proud of. She suffered so much anxiety from it all, she started breaking down at work and eventually was unable to work. She was hospitalized for 10 days during with they removed her from her meds and were going to try new ones. She had been on them a long time and it was really hard on her. Gradually they gave her some others. Nothing has worked at all. She had counselling and a psychiatrist every second week calling (Covid had started). She liked and trusted her but she was replaced with another who changed meds again.
And was very stiff to deal with. So now she is jobless and living with her step father and me. She has gotten progressively worse plus severe anxiety. She did start seeing a fellow before she got this bad and still sees him and his daughter. Part of their bubble. So now she spends 90% of her time in her room but was better with him. Don’t think she cares a lot for him, but gets her out of here with different company. She is still getting worse, went to bed for 2 days at his place. I don’t think he understands. Getting hard for him. She has suicidal thoughts everyday but says she is too tired to do anything. Says nothing makes her happy or gives her pleasure. This is hard on all three of us and harder that we are in our 70’s and still locked down. He has had a stroke and I finished treatments for cancer last year. Btw – she fell last week and broke her elbow. Also, just for history, she suffered from epilepsy as a child and it returned with a vengeance when she was thirty. It took a lot of time and work, together to gain some control again, she lost her license and gave up her car. And her job as social worker. I don’t know why I have written this epic, but I think I needed to. One thing I have realized from writing this, is I need counselling myself. Thanks for listening.

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Alison
January 18th, 2021 at 7:44 AM
Patsy, thank you for your story which I’m sure you needed to tell. It just shows that we are not alone and there is always someone in a similar or worse situation. I’m sorry to hear about your daughter and I think you are right that you don’t need to deal with this on your own. There is plenty of help out there, even if it is just someone to lend a listening ear. Sorry to hear about your husband’s stroke and your cancer, I don’t know why life throws these things at us but I think they make us stronger (in some ways). I always believe that things happen for a reason. My daughter has picked up a bit in the last week or so and I am hoping she will stay that way but there are no guarantees. Such a difficult time especially with COVID. Let’s hope things improve for all of us soon. Take care now.

Alison

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Lee
January 19th, 2021 at 11:31 AM
Patsy,
I feel your pain and frustration. I’m in a similiar situation with my 24 yr old daughter. I’m at a loss for what to do anymore. Just let her be and hope she gets it together or keep suggesting options for her? She doesn’t work and flunked out of college after 6 years. She is seeing a therapist, but havent seen any change. Her cat and dog are her happiness. I just don’t know anymore.

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Kathleen
January 29th, 2021 at 7:25 AM
So what does “being there for them” really mean? Checking on them every day (mine won’t respond to texts or answer phone and lives across the country. Listening when they do finally reach out? Suggesting research to solutions? Are there really any solutions or just band-aids to “get through life”? Do people really recover from depression or is it a permanent affliction that has to be managed every day?? Also a fixer – so that I will try to manage from my end – but I agree with so many of you – when they are in this state they don’t want to fix anything they just want life to be over…..

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Dave
January 30th, 2021 at 7:05 PM
I don’t think you can ever get over depression. I’m sure it will claim my daughter at some point in her life. She just checked herself in to the hospital again this week. She tells me her flat mood is always sad and doesn’t see why she has to live. She is on meds, probably the only thing keeping her alive at this point. As a parent it’s the absolutely worst thing in the world watching them suffer and not being able to do a damn thing about it. She is 19 now and at least I have come to the realization of how bad her mental state is. We thought she was just going thru the usual teenage issues, but we know this has been her demon since the day she was born. We think it could be autism but she doesn’t think so. Whatever it is I just want her to gain the skills to learn to live with this disease for as long as she can, at least till I’m gone cuz losing a child would be the worst. God is that selfish? I know I had a brother pass in a work place accident and it devastated my parents back when I was in high school. Now my youngest son who is 15 totally walks around the house resenting me and basically hates me. This is because I won’t let him smoke pot while he’s in school and living in our house. He has the education level of grade 5 and he’s in grade 10. He has learning issues and his attitude stinks. I don’t think the weed is helping him. We just found out he’s been doing it for 2 years already. Does anyone else feel like having kids was a mistake?

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Pauline
March 9th, 2021 at 1:51 AM
i wish there was something i could do.

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Cindy
March 11th, 2021 at 4:36 PM
My daughter 29 with 2 gorgeous boys 5 and 8, she has been drama in my life for 17 years and the drama doesn’t stop, she now states she has a mental health problem of depression, she’s always very abusive towards me and I have always been there for her and the boys, her dad suicided 16 years ago but she was difficult before our seperation and his passing. The boys have been taken of her and father is telling her to get help for boys and he will keep boys till she gets help but its everyone else who has the problem and we don’t give support, she keeps saying shes depressed, over weekend stated suicide, ringing everyone at 2.30 in morning, I called the police with mental health worker twice to conduct welfare checks and she stating that myself and father of the kids are the problem…tried to see if she will live with me but she wont as she states we will only attack her and we are trying to get her out of the house, her house is a mess and so worried that she will suicide like her dad did, my heart goes out to my grandsons too…she even trashed my sons room last October cause he went out for weekend with boys father, her ex mother in-law even slapped her two days before Xmas cause she caused drama that wasn’t warranted! I’m worried and very tired, I told her I’m here if you want my support…I know it will get worst next week when she cannot have the boys back! I love my daughter but I don’t like the person she has become…

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Elvia
March 13th, 2021 at 7:54 AM
Hi Cindy, my heart goes out to you and your family. I’am living a situation almost like yours except my daughter isn’t married and has no kids. She tends to put the blame on me and her dad fir what’s she is going through. It’s a very exhausting way of living but just like you I adore her with all my heart. She has her small business and works out of the house. She gets up and gets her orders out to clients and then it’s a hassle for her to go to sleep. So here I am staying up till 1 am or until 3 am to comfort her and reassure her she is ok. She is scared to try antidepressant. I pray every day for her to get better and find the peace she deserves. I will keep your daughter in my prayers and all we can do is be there for them. God bless you and your family. ❤️

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Mary
March 13th, 2021 at 8:46 PM
Alison, your story is so familiar to me. My daughter was beautiful, bright and over-confident. In college she was date-raped and got herpes. She has never recovered from this and spiraled into drinking and self-destructive attitudes. I cannot help her and she has lost all her self-esteem. She mistrusts men and has had a series of boyfriends who do not deserve her. Now she lives in a house we helped her buy and has become anxious and depressed with the COVID. I cannot help her. It’s frustrating and I must stand back and let her sort it out.

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Leslie
March 14th, 2021 at 1:39 PM
Mary, very similiar situation with my daughter
Raped twice at college. It’s been a downward spiral. Finally flunked out.
She’s in therapy now. Not sure if it’s helping.

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Mary
March 14th, 2021 at 6:26 PM
Elvia, please encourage your daughter to try antidepressants. My daughter rejected them when she was about 22 and then later in her 20’s she realized they were a godsend. She can go off them when her health improves.

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Mary
March 15th, 2021 at 12:21 PM
Hi, Leslie, Sorry to hear about your daughter. My daughter failed her exams two months after the rape and ended up leaving her very good college immediately as it was the end of her freshman year. She basically flunked out and wound up at community college after a very depressed and negative summer, then binge drinking, finally a DUI and joined AA. She did finish college but has never been the same. I was raped in college but by someone I didn’t really trust to begin with so it was less traumatic for me. Help her with self-esteem as much as you can. How to rebuild trust is another problem.

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Anne
March 25th, 2021 at 6:47 PM
My daughter is 24, living at home and very depressed. Doesn’t want help.

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leslie
March 26th, 2021 at 10:21 AM
do I stand by and watch my daughter fade away? How can I help her? her meds dont help. cant find anyone to re evaluate her. She thinks she is fine. She likes her therapist..but therapist isnt a big proponent of meds. when PA asks if shes happy with meds she says “yes”. so she stays on same ones. im frustrated and feel so bad for her. i try to be there for her and do things with her, just so she has some interaction. its starting to take a toll on me. Im a single parent.

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Elvia
March 26th, 2021 at 1:03 PM
Hi Anne, my daughter Anna was like that also. I focused on getting her a therapist until she found the one that fit her needs and also confide on. It’s very difficult to see your children in a situation like this but as a mother, I learned that all they want is someone to hear them out and not tell them, “that it’s all in their heads or “that everything will be ok soon.” It’s hard to see them angry at you for no reason. I tell you just keep listening to her and suggest therapy at least. My daughter doesn’t want antidepressants because for her .. these pills got her worse but your daughter might be different. I will pray for her that this demon disease gets out of our young children’s minds. God bless you and the family….

Elvia

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Mary
March 26th, 2021 at 2:21 PM
Leslie, you’re doing your best already. She has to face her demons whatever they are. Some people are comfortable being depressed, regardless of how awful it seems to others. It’s up to her no matter what you say or do. If she has a “cause” she believes in, that might get her going. Good luck.

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Carol
March 29th, 2021 at 6:21 PM
Hi, my daughter is struggling with depression (new development). I am trying to find her a therapist but have no clue what type I should have her look into? Psychologist, licensed clinical social worker? Mental health counselor? Any advice appreciated.

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RL
April 14th, 2021 at 12:20 AM
It’s alarming and also comforting to hear from so many people in a situation similar to ours. We have a 32 year old daughter who was diagnosed with OCD and anxiety at age 12. At 14 they added depression to the diagnosis. For half her life she has been tied in knots by this disease. She’s been in every kind of therapy, including hospitalization for ECT. Some treatments were helpful but never for long. She’s officially disabled. This past six months have been the most difficult; the effects of political chaos and the pandemic really were too much for her. We were on the verge of having her admitted to a psychiatrist hospital due to suicidal ideation, but she stabelized. At this point her psychiatrist thinks we should put her in a residential program of three or more months. The expense is astronomical (between 90-150K) but finding a good program is almost impossible, and I’m not the only one putting in the research. She is our one and only and we would do anything to help her get where she needs to be: we want her to have something to occupy her very busy brain, a living situation that is safe and comfortable, friends she can rely on… but in fact she still lives with us and has never held a job; after ten years of taking classes, she’s just two courses short of a BA, but she’s convinced no one would ever hire her, given her medical history.
A good residential program won’t perform miracles, but it could get her to a better place. If we could just find one.

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Lisa
May 12th, 2021 at 8:19 AM
My daughter is 22 – struggles with depression – was a very happy, smart, ambitious kid until she met a guy and followed him out of state for college. Where she didn’t’ go to class, started getting high and spending all of our money – lying to us throughout – until we got the grades – and realized she wasn’t going to classes. We forced her to come home – and it took her a good year and half to re-adjust. She has tried several area colleges, and never follows through or drops out without telling us – (after we already agreed on open dialog). We’ve lost countless dollars, and we have taken her to all types of specialists – for depression and other health issues she seems to have (we think are related to her daily lack of self care, and vaping). She continues to come to us with new ‘ideas’ to help her – but will take no advice from us – she is totally financially dependent on us – and can’t seem to keep a job due to her depression –
She only see’s her side – and blames us for not doing enough – she will only tell us what she wants and not allow us to offer any advice or take her for more care -she does see a counselor she likes – we have offered to meet with her and her counselor – but she continues to tell us we don’t support her – feeling very guilty – even though I know we have done a ton to help her –
Any recommendations?

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R.
May 12th, 2021 at 9:31 AM
It is horrible to say that I feel some sense of relief to know that there are others out there like us. My daughter is an intelligent, beautiful 21 year old who has suffered from anxiety and depression seemingly her whole life. Though like others on here, she had had a job, has at times been productive, but she is now living with us taking her college courses from home and barely squeaking by, probably about to be asked to leave the university. She believes she is innately a failure and a lost cause. She has offers of great internships but feels like she will just let everyone down who tries to help her. She is frustrated that every therapist she has seen hasn’t solved anything though it’s been explained it is a process not a fix. One doctor she met very briefly prescribed her anti-depressants and told her she could drink alcohol while on them. She knew this was incorrect so never took them and now doesn’t even trust physicians. She says she doesn’t want to make decisions and is willing to let life “just happen to” her. I can’t get her to try another therapist/psychologist. This is breaking my heart. My husband and I would do anything for her to have see herself as others do, but we feel paralyzed. We just keep loving and emotionally supporting her, but aren’t sure how to help her move out of/on from this. Covid has been a blessing and a curse as she hasn’t had to explain to anyone why she is home but can just lay around all day. That is ending soon and she is dipping further into depression and just lays in her bed watching tik-toks all day, occasionally spending time with friends but in between doing nothing. We are devastated, try hard not to pressure her and we don’t sleep for the worry. Our poor sweet daughter, what did we do to cause so much sadness and how can we help her.

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Dave
May 13th, 2021 at 4:28 AM
Well here we are over 1 year since I first posted on this blog. Things have literately gone from bad to worse. She won’t talk to me or acknowledge me at all. I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that there is nothing I can do to help her and that what happens will happen. I can’t beat myself up anymore about it. Some day I’ll have to pick her up from the morgue I’m sure.

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Concerned Mother in Canada
May 19th, 2021 at 7:01 AM
I understand your pain. My son has anxiety that is almost crippling to the point that he won’t try to apply for full-time work. The breaking point was yesterday when his girlfriend broke up with him. He is devistated. I spoke with him. The first thing that I did was contact the doctor to see if we can get in to increase his medication or give him a sedative for a few days to keep him calm. I spoke with him and said that we needed to come up with a plan to tackle his anxiety and help him have a more balanced life path. I suggested that when we can get an appointment for a phychologist that can treat him for his anxiety treatment and for the relationship break up, then I told him that I will hire a career couch that will help him to determine what his interests are how he go about getting there. He agreed! What ever happens, I guess patience is what we need as parents. I just pray that I can keep my patience with him like all of the concerned parents on here have been doing. If this doesn’t work, not sure what else to do. He seems to want to get the help and to improve, so I said that I would help him get there but based on what i”m reading in the other parents comments is that it isn’t that easy as you might think it is to get your adult child back on track. I will be praying alot.

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R
May 20th, 2021 at 7:27 AM
Oh concerned mom, what a great job you’re doing! It must feel good to feel like he is moving in a positive direction . It sounds like you handled all of this well and he knows you’re there for him- good for you. These victories, big and small, in the face of this Goliath should be celebrated, even if only quietly by you. Give yourself a smile in the mirror, take a few well deserved deep but easy breaths and try to relax in this moment of light. My thoughts are with you and your son and wishing you both all the best.

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Lisa Ann
May 24th, 2021 at 5:58 AM
I’m also here with you all. I have a very bright 19 year old who I always thought had depression issues, but a therapist told me no it was just anxiety. Here we are coming out of COVID and living in fear. Freshman year in college (failed out) has now asked for help. I understand she has to seek it the help but I’m suffering watching this.

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R
May 24th, 2021 at 7:05 AM
Lisa Ann- I am sorry you two are going through this. If she asked for help, she needs it! Good for her. But sometimes trying to find a therapist for yourself is really exhausting to navigate, especially for a young adult while experiencing depression. I hope you and she are successful in searching. So many new college students had a much harder time with freshman year during covid. They’ve heard, read and seen their whole lives about the excitement and newness of what it is supposed to be and, well, that’s certainly not what they got and at absolutely no fault of their own! I hope she tries again if she that is what she wants. Best of luck to you both.

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Concerned Mother in Canada
May 24th, 2021 at 7:15 AM
Dave,
Please don’t give up hope! I want you to know that my heart goes out to you and as my mother used to say “nothing ever stays the same” and we should all have hope that our children will one day change and get through their difficult times. I’ve even am willing to try hypnotherapy to see if that helps my son with his anxiety. If it does, I will share. If anyone on here has any information that helped get thier children on track, I wish that you could share as well.

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Lisa Ann
May 26th, 2021 at 4:11 AM
The guilt and pain is real. How do I function as a parent?

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R
May 26th, 2021 at 8:12 AM
For my daughter it helps sometimes it helps to commiserate and just be there. It is so, so hard and frustrating and I always want to say “cant you JUST blah blah blah…” but what my daughter has told me is that the frustration and fear and sadness I feel about her is 10x worse inside of her. All the things I think and feel about her situation and negativity are amplified inside of her and its virtually impossible to get away from it. So, at least for us, it never helps to tell them what they should be doing- they’re smart, they know- but there is a giant monster between their logic and forward momentum. So, i guess you love her up, support her and aid her in finding someone to talk to. and VERY IMPORTANTLY find someone to talk to for yourself. This website is a great place to look for someone. And remember, this is not your fault.

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Terri
July 2nd, 2021 at 12:47 PM
Every one of these comments rings true to my situation. My son is 30. We have been dealing with this for 15 years. I want to be supportive, but there are just times I want to say “I’m out!”. He will get a job, but not hold on to it (it’s always “their fault”). I know we are not the only ones going through this, but sometimes when I talk about it with someone I stop because I feel like they are going to say “How can it be THAT bad?”. It is THAT bad. I feel awful that I can’t help, but he won’t let me. I’m scared, frustrated, mad, and exhausted – but most of all just really sad that I can’t fix it for him. The tension in the house at times is incredible. But every once in a while I get a glimpse of the little happy, funny boy he used to be and it gives me hope to go on. Thank you all for sharing your stories. In a weird way it’s comforting knowing I am not alone, but also incredibly sad that there are so many families like mine out there.

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Concerned Mother in Canada
July 4th, 2021 at 10:39 AM
My son has had two therapy sessions with the phychologist and has since informed me that he is looking into potential jobs for the future. He is striving very high (vetinarian) which worries me a bit as I thought therapy was to help little by little and takes long time. I pray that the therapy works as I know some have done the thearapy and it did nothing. I wish everyone well and hope that these young adults change for the positive. Hypnotherapy was one of the options that I was looking into, however, I can’t get my son in as they are fully booked but I will make an appointment as soon as they will except more clients. I heard there are other healing people that can help as well like REKE people that heal the body and mind. Maybe I will get him try that as well. If anyone on here has tried any of the things that I have mentioned, can you please let me know how it went?

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Sadmom
July 12th, 2021 at 10:49 PM
What a blessing to find this page. My 20 year old is struggling too but I do believe it’s very high anxiety rather than depression. She like others lies in bed flicking through Tik tok , really has no friends bar one . When she is good she is fantastic but she can barely talk to me when going through an episode. Her dog is having some health issues at the moment so the poor girl is a lost and worried. The dog is her lifeline . Rather then enjoying her dog each day now she is worrying worrying . She is going to start a course in September so I’m hoping she will love it and it might bring some structure back to her life after this horrible year of COVID . I have learned though to not say anything to her when she is down but just to keep the food available ( not always eaten) ,don’t pry , don’t offer advice or encouragement ( which is so so hard for me ) . Like others said whatever they are going through is magnified in their own heads . So they don’t even hear what we say it’s just voices which makes it worse. I’m worried though

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Concerned Mom in Canada
July 13th, 2021 at 7:29 AM
I hear your pain! Maybe you are correct when you say that you just listen and provide her food as they aren’t hearing anything that we are saying. Maybe if your daughter takes that course it will help. Tell her to contact my son as he is going through it together and might be able to talk it out. It’s worth a try. His name is Connor. He is 25 years of age. Maybe they can help each other because they will understand what each other is going through. The email is either the one above. I don’t email as he lives with me or we just text.

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r
July 13th, 2021 at 11:36 AM
Sadmom- i could have written exactly what you wrote (with slight alterations- she begins an intense, busy internship next week and family dog is fine). We just returned from a family trip that almost every moment was fun for her as she interacted with family friends and new people her own age. We are home now, those new people are back where we were or in other places going about their “exciting” lives with direction. Even her younger brother and sister have something going on. She feels alone, unmoored, bored, behind and lost. I wish i could convey to her that so many have been where she is, but all she can see is social media and tiktok where everything looks like everyone else knows exactly what to do next. I know she is scared and worried about her internship (it is a longer version of one she did before so she knows what to expect). she is worried she wont be what they want, be able to keep up, and even that it won’t fulfil her. she doesn’t talk to me about any of this, i am just piecing together things she has said. I wish she knew and could see in herself what everyone else does- she’s fantastic! Though it is most definitely not about me, I will always carry the weight of guilt that I was not the mother she needed and exacerbated her anxiety. I wish I knew it was not too late to be a better mother now.

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Janet
August 21st, 2021 at 10:28 AM
My son 52 still lives with us. Depression started about 6 Months ago. Finding mental health is awful. He has Medicade, finally found a therapist only sees him twice a month. Has stopped eating, bathing and seeing family. Won’t take meds. I cry every nite, do I help or just stay out of his way?. No job, no license. No friends..

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rd
August 22nd, 2021 at 1:35 PM
Oh Janet, i am so, so sorry. That is incredibly difficult. I hope you have someone to talk to, especially a therapist who can talk you through so much of this pain. If one is nt available near you there are websites that will help you find someone and many with discounted fees if that is an issue. Please feel support from those of us who feel your pain. Talk to someone for support, it si so important.

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Diana
August 30th, 2021 at 4:34 PM
My daughter is 42yo with depression and anxiety. Finally got her to see a doctor and started meds. She has a job but I continue to pay her rent groceries and other purchases. She has a 12yo child. Everytime I relate that I don’t how much longer I can help her financially, the tension starts with my being told I have no understanding of what she’s going through. Comments like everybody will be happier if I’m gone. I live in fear of what she might do. I’ve become mentally exhausted

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Canadian Mother
August 31st, 2021 at 8:25 AM
Isn’t it great when the one person that loves them the most that they treat the worst. Try to ignore it! They are lashing out at us and don’t really mean it. I’ve learned that the more I complain to him, the more my son gets mean. I set my own goals for him and told him that I’m helping him to succeed. Basically, told him he needed to see a therapist, take driving lesson classes and get a full time job. Whether it’s right or wrong, I told my son to try the online driving classes with the instructor and that I didn’t care if he failed the course as long as he tried and that I would pay for it again if he failed. He didn’t stress and he passed all of the tests. For some reason when I tell him I don’t care if he fails, he does well. Not sure if it’s right to do this but it’s working.

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Another Canadian Mother
September 29th, 2021 at 3:53 PM
Hi I am glad I found this site. Daughter 20, bullied as a youngster, a couple of abusive relationships. She has depression and anxiety. It has got very serious on occasion and she just told me she started self harming again. I am on a constant knife-edge of anxiety – it’s very exhausting. She feels we would be better off without her – which is the opposite of what the reality would be. I love this kid with everything I have, why can’t I just find the “switch” for her. Anyway, thank you for listening.

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Dave
September 30th, 2021 at 11:35 AM
Welcome to the club unfortunately, I could think of alot more clubs I would rather belong.

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BigAl
November 10th, 2021 at 1:05 PM
OMG!!! You guys are talking years!!!! I read your comments one after another to see that I’m not alone! but my daughter juts started early this year! She’s 22 and took a leave of absence after starting her masters degree and told me she had anxiety and depression! Her twin sister decided to take a semester off instead of do school on line from home so she went to work and she is fine… I guess this COVID lock down was the trigger! She lost 60 pounds too! She keeps pushing for out of network psychologist and therapists and now I’m almost 10K on the hole! At least she got a small job, but she only works 3-4 hours a day! I was hoping getting out of the house was going to help her but I don’t see much improvement…. I feel for all of you guys! I can’t believe this is so bad for so many people! I’ll keep you in our prayers!

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Morgan
November 15th, 2021 at 10:03 PM
I have my youngest who is 26 living with me and it is exhausting. Our relationship has changed enormously and it is frustrating being around him. We used to be able to talk, but now literally everything is taken out of context. It could be for the smallest and simplest thing. He will stop speaking to me for 1-3 weeks, and doesn’t want to help clean up anything including his belongings. If I get tired and say that it’s time for him to move out, he gets upset. He works and goes to school, but while he’s had a couple of issues he is also being manipulative. While he is mad at his father, he takes it out on me and I’ m the one who spent time with him. He can’t seem to navigate life’s adversities and challenges. While I love my son, I’ am not comfortable around him anymore.

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rd
November 16th, 2021 at 8:39 AM
I am so sorry, BigAl and Morgan. As if life itself isn’t hard enough to navigate when one has anxiety, covid and the tidal wave of anxiety -inducing world issues has laid a ton of bricks on our kids. I will repeat myself in saying it is heartening to know – but heartbreaking as well- there are others out there who understand what we are going through. My sweet 21 yr old daughter, whose crippling anxiety and depression since the 7th grade wreaked havoc on her and our family, is about 5 months in to a new job. She is away from home with her own apartment and she got a kitten! The job is in her chosen field, she loves it and she loves the people she works with and is doing really great **at this snapshot in time**. I know things can change on a dime, but right now it looks good and she feels good. I am sharing this to demonstrate there is hope and there could be good times ahead. I keep you all in my thoughts and hope good news comes your way soon. I will never feel completely beyond this and realize i may be back here next week, month or year, but I keep you all- us all- in my thoughts and always know there are people out here who care, are willing to listen and understand. That is priceless in the dark times.

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Morgan
November 16th, 2021 at 1:04 PM
To add he was bullied and there was another situation he didn’t tell me about until last year. He was told to get counseling with his parents, but it just seems like he doesn’t want to do the work to get better or try and get better.

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BigAl
November 17th, 2021 at 5:42 AM
Thanks for your comments rd! That gives me hope!

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Morgan
November 17th, 2021 at 8:17 AM
Thank you Morgan.

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rd
November 17th, 2021 at 8:45 AM
It is so hard, Morgan. i am so sorry. You must feel very frustrated and isolated in your own home. I hope you have friend, family or therapist you can talk to for support. this is a lot ot shoulder on your own. Please take care of yourself.

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Morgan
November 17th, 2021 at 4:29 PM
@rd – I do feel so isolated. My other children aren’t here and his dad really doesn’t try to help. There are times I try to get out and away from him. We’re in the house together and don’t talk to each other. He blames me and his father for things but he’s always with me. It’s been that way since forever because I knew kids were teasing him and kept him close. For what was aware of, I showed up but hear him tell it I didn’t. It feels like he just doesn’t give a dam about me really and I don’t know where it came from. I don’t feel comfortable around him anymore. I’ve done my job and I don’t want to feel like I can’t have my life and be happy. Am I being selfish?

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Rose J Donner
November 18th, 2021 at 9:53 AM
I don’t think you are being selfish. I would guess you are emotionally- and most likely physically- exhausted. On the bottom right of this page is is a button asking if you are looking for a therapist- click on it!! They work with you if finances are a problem. Talking to someone always helps. Having that someone be a trained professional makes all the difference in the world. They can give you a tools and strategies to help throughout your day. You haven’t done anything wrong, BUT and more importantly, you don’t need to defend your actions or feel guilty. It is really, really helpful to not try to change your son’s mind or try to convince him (or yourself or anyone else) that you did your best. That is an unworthy battle. You did, but now it might be better to bravely meet him on his level and be empathetic to how he experienced his life, even if you have to swallow your pride and not defend yourself. That may work better than trying to convince him of what he didn’t see or doesn’t remember. It’s not worth the fight. He is really hurting and he needs someone to believe it because it’s true. But you also are hurting and also deserve to be taken care of. Please try to find someone to talk to! You are a good mom, always have been a good mom and to continue to be a good mother, you just have to get some outside help so you can believe that you are. Best of luck to you both.

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Mother in Canada
November 18th, 2021 at 10:06 AM
Your child is the same age as mine. It’s just a phase! I’m going through the same thing. They hate us now, but won’t always. Don’t give up on him. He is in school and works. It may be overwhelming for him. Let him be for a bit. You might want to try some councilling as I did it and it helps. It gives you a new perspective. You will always be his mom and he does love you.
I leave my son alone now and let him come to me. Usually, it’s when he wants something but my patience with him is paying off. No more arguments. The rule in my home now is…as long as you are doing something to improve yourself, I will leave you alone. It keeps the piece for now. I hope things get better for you.

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Morgan
November 18th, 2021 at 7:23 PM
@Rose – Thank you very much. Your kind words and advice are so very much appreciated. I understand what you’re saying. I will put my feelings to the side and not be dismissive of how he’s feeling. Right now I have a counselor that I talk to weekly and it is helpul.

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Morgan
November 18th, 2021 at 7:28 PM
@Mother In Canada – Maybe that is part of the issue. Lately, I do leave him alone and if he wants to talk, I let him come to me. In turn, I try to focus on my things (work, school and goals). This is great advice and I will give it a try. Thank you and I wish you the best as well.

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pauline
December 1st, 2021 at 1:38 AM
My daughter,27 was diagnosed with bipolar 2 when she was 15, She has tried to kill herself 5 times since then. and is now in a suicidal depression again. I’ve been on suicide watch for 16 years and I’m trying to find the strength to accept the fact that i can’t fix her brain. How does a parent arrive at a point to accept that maybe life is simply a torture chamber for her. She was in a good space for about 6 weeks when her and her boyfriend started petsitting but they broke up recently and thats the end of petsitting. She has a psychiatrist and a psychologist but nothing is helping once again, I am so anxious and depleted that I’m not functioning

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Dave
December 1st, 2021 at 11:52 AM
Pauline , I share your pain and have asked the same questions. IMHO you cannot fix the brain, as with your daughter and mine I’m sure you have noticed the behavioral irregularities from the day they were born. I try to help, but for her living alone and away from us is what helps her apparently (she’s 20 on her own since 17) I have also come to the acceptance that 1 day we will get that phone call as I’m sure it’s inevitable so it seems. Most lose the battle with the anxiety and depression by 40, it’s a lifelong fight. It’s not like I’ve given up and I hope for the best but I can’t keep beating myself up about it as my mental health has not been good either. I have to accept whatever happens knowing I have tried my best. Even if it wasn’t enough.

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leslie
December 4th, 2021 at 8:38 PM
Pauline, same with my daughter. Pet sitting seems to help. She prefers animals to people and seems more calm when she knows she has some jobs . Encourage her to continue with the pets. She can do it solo. Praying for you both.

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leslie
December 4th, 2021 at 8:44 PM
Dave, Its fantastic your daughter is living on her own. mine just moved out , but probably will be back soon. Often I feel the same as you..Defeated. Where did I go wrong? But I keep telling myself ..one day at a time.

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rd
December 5th, 2021 at 7:29 PM
Leslie- you didn’t do anything wrong, do not do that to yourself. If you’re child had an obvious physical disability you would not blame yourself, this is not different. Mental health problems are simply a different type of disability. Please give yourself grace, as well as your child, and know that you have and will continue to do what you can to support your child. We are in the most difficult time in history for those with mental health challenges, there has never been a time like this and we are all flying blind. Fortunately we are also in a time when mental health doesn’t have the stigma it once had and there is research and help out there . Please search out and receive all the help that is offered, both professionally as well as personally from those that love you. Most importantly, understand that you didn’t do this. Certainly as parents we have all made mistakes, had missteps and have regrets of moments or a comments or a reactions, BUT you are not the cause of the situation. You have done your best. Love yourself and your child and try to feel the support of all of us going through this tough time.

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KJ
December 10th, 2021 at 5:53 PM
I have a 29 year old son that I’m convinced has depression or is bi-polar with ADD. Since early 20’s he’s become introverted. He has a job but does not socially interact with anyone. He used to play soccer and skateboard but now spends most of his time at home alone and gaming. Little things seem to set his anger off. He’s never hurt himself or anyone but gets so angry, rarely sees the good in anything and is always so negative. Every once in awhile I will see him happy, laughing or positive. But the negative days seem to outweigh the positive. He seems to have picked up these traits from my mother. Her and I did not have a good relationship, she was a narcissist, everything was always everyone else fault and she was manipulative and controlling. I was a single mom for most of my sons life and she took care of him frequently while I was at work and by the time I realized the type of person she was the damage was done. While my son is not manipulative or controlling he does seem to blame others a lot and then other times will totally take all the blame. He’s been on his own off and on for several years though it’s paycheck to paycheck. He’s getting ready to move in with us because his roommate sold his house and they both have to move out. We are in touch often and I do my best to show him love and encouragement but some days I get frustrated and am so over it. It’s exhausting but most of all it hurts my heart. I’ve tried to get him to go to a doctor but he does not want to take medicine and I know it would help him. What can I do? He’s my heart!!!

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Skylar
December 12th, 2021 at 7:20 PM
Dear KJ, Thank you for your comment! If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team

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Louise
December 14th, 2021 at 5:36 PM
My daughter, 19 yrs. old has been battling depression/anxiety for 12-11 yrs. I do believe it was triggered by a very ugly divorce. She just told me that she believes she may have ADHD. I am trying to wrap my head around all of this. I have a call into her therapist and we are meeting her GP to see about new meds. I am so scared and feel so helpless. I just want my baby to smile a real smile. I am so glad I found this page.

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RJ
December 15th, 2021 at 7:39 AM
My daughter, 21, also has diagnosed depression, anxiety and adhd. She has found the adhd medications extremely helpful-all the difference in the world for her. While she still occasionally has her stressful and anxious and sad moments (don’t we all!) she is able to fully function, works a very professional job with a lot of responsibilities, and living on her own in a new town. A new town without friends or family around is hard for anyone, but she is making it through. If you told me this a year or two ago i wouldn’t have believed it. After years and years of her heartbreaking conditions, my husband and I of course still worry about her everyday. I have been conditioned to know that this is just a snapshot in time and things could go awry and change any moment, but the further she gets down the path of success and independence, the better she feels and so do we. While I dont revel in the idea of her dependence on medication, i appreciate that it has helped her and am grateful for it. I write this for us all to see there are glimmers of hope.

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Mary
December 15th, 2021 at 8:36 PM
my daughter has been cutting since she was 12 years old; is an alcoholic; stopped taking Prozac; isolated; was put-down by her supervisor making fun of her arm cuts/scars; has just recovered from Covid; lives in Portland, I live in Alaska; puts me down constantly as I was an alcoholic and not a good mother; am trying to understand and help her now as I feel she is so isolated now; recovered from Covid; drinks; has been in treatment for alcoholism; has been in Psych wards many times; and lashes out at me with angry words… I am a senior citizen with limited income and I’d like to see if she may be interested in Hypnotherapy and/or REKE; she is very lonely/ anxiety ridden and depressed and I want to help her as much as I can with alternative methods in any way possible; she has college credits but has withdrawn from classes and I am concerned about her mental status/health and I love her very much. Thank you very much Mary F. Reeve

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Mary
December 15th, 2021 at 9:02 PM
I didn’t know my comments would be published after quickly ‘thinking outloud’ , but that’s ok… as I am hopeful others may hear my concerns about my 30 yr old beautiful daughter who lives in Portland, OR and I live in Anchorage, Alaska.. she recently just recovered from Covid and I am very concerned about her mental status as she has a long history of cutting/ psychiatric hospital stays; and applied for Disability and has now been getting Disability funding .. she was in college doing pretty good; then got a part-time job; her supervisor put her down for her cutting scars on her arms and that did her in; she quit her job; made complaints against him but this added to her self-negative thinking and amplified her depression and anxiety/ quit her Prozac and I have offered her to come to AK to visit us for the holidays as she has now withdrawn from college two semesters consecutively, thinking a visit home with us would help with her loneliness but she says it’s the last thing she wants as she has stated she hates me and I am the reason for her depression /anxiety. I am a recovering alcoholic and yes, I was a verbally abusive angry single mother who worked hard but drank hard too and I took it out on her. She is a beautiful, loving daughter when she chooses to be but it is very intermittent as she continues to drink; has been in treatment- did well then moved out and secured state-housing in her own apartment and started drinking after 2 months of sobriety. She was seeing a therapist for a few months and was on Prozac but has since stopped taking it. She then contracted Covid19 and suffered for two weeks at her apartment, alone and terrified. She survived. Now, she lashes out at me then sends me a card saying she loves me so there are mixed messages. I feel she is at her lowest now and I am very concerned about her well-being. I am a senior citizen with very limited income and knowing her past therapeutic treatment and how she felt it never worked and knowing she is an alternative thinker, I texted her suggesting that if I sent her some Hypnotherapist names and bios, she may find them helpful.. I also thought of REKE treatment as I feel she may be interested in alternative methods of therapy as she has indicated that interest some years ago. She is on Medicaid so, I am looking into these alternative treatment possibilities and texted her with these ideas but no response as she knows I am limited in my financial abilities I am hoping I can find some combination of treatments using her Medicaid assistance and some of my financial assistance to help her in any way that I can as I love her dearly and I want her to be able to believe in herself once again… she had great grades but with recent withdrawals from two consecutive semesters, this has most likely contributed to her anxiety and depression. I would be so appreciative of any advice. Quyana (thank you in Eskimo as we are indigenous women of descent and we have received benefits from the Indian Health Service hospitals all our lives but they are sometimes lacking in quality).

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Wendy
January 9th, 2022 at 2:17 AM
Hello everyone I’m so pleased to have found this page and I have read all the comments from the beginning. I was hoping to find an answer to help my beautiful daughter through her depression and anxiety but also some support for me as I end up crying everyday feeling her pain as if it is my own. My beautiful talented daughter is suffering with crippling anxiety and feels she has lost all hope. She’s 22 and trained as a patisserie chef for 5 years, got the job she thought she wanted only to find that the dream wasn’t the reality. The chef was abusive and it broke her. All her fears that she would always be a failure and that no one ever liked her came to a head and she had a breakdown. It had been coming as she’d struggled with friendships, never had a boyfriend and was desperately lonely in London. It was just the final straw. She is home with us and her brothers and everyone has rallied, we all love her so much but she is in such a dark place. She talks about life not being worth living, never finding friends, always being alone, changing career but not being clever enough to do anything. I talk to her, walk with her, hug her but nothing seems to make her feel better. She’s seeing the doctor tomorrow and hoping to start anti depressants and therapy. I’m frightened that this is part of who she is and she will always be sad and it breaks my heart. I read Erika’s answer to the original post and it made sense but is so hard to do it in practice. Reading all your comments makes me feel less alone but also so sad that our children are all suffering in the same ways. I think the modern world is a much more difficult place to navigate that the world we grew up in and if I could flick a switch I would change it back in an instance. Sending out love and courage to you all for yourselves and your children.

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Pauline
January 10th, 2022 at 6:30 AM
Hi Wendy and everyone else suffering Weeks
There is hope!!!!
My daughter has just been through the most excruciating depression for at least 5 weeks and I’ve been on suicide watch which was terrifying because she has tried 4 times. She said she was so pathetic that she couldn’t even get that right! We live in South Africa and basically the whole country shuts down over the Christmas holi days even psychologists and psychiatrists, even the clinics. I asked her every day if I should take her to the ER. I read a post on here from another parent who was also terrified of ” the ” phone call and on some days I tried to surrender to her not being here. The thing that concerned me most was that she had found her passion of permitting after so many years of feeling pathetic. She had started to avoid her boyfriend of 3 years ( yes! I can’t believe it either) because she was working and everyone wanted her to look after their dogs because they trusted her and she was validated for the first time..and then her boyfriend broke up with her for not showing interest in him and then it went downhill very fast. She was more frustrated that she didn’t feel ” in love” anymore. He still said they could be friends and they texted a lot on the phone, he even invited her for Christmas and New Year but she couldn’t have a shower or leave our apartment. My older son and dafighter really tried to help until I started having a breakdown and then they started resenting her again but a miracle happened,, my son met a woman at a party who he spoke to about her and she promised him she would help her, I was angry with my son for giving her number because I was positive she wouldn’t answer her phone. She said so many people are in severe depression, feel worthless and hopeless that she had to tell her that she wasn’t alone. After countless voice messages, texts and phone calls she eventually answered at 1 o clock in the morning. I don’t know how this woman waved a magic wand but I think she made her feel not so alone! The next day she showered, washed her hair,brushed her teeth and became normal. I’ve realised she has a chronic illness and she will have her ups and downs

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Mike
January 19th, 2022 at 1:10 AM
My 42 year old son has had numerous therapists and medications since he was 18. His depression keeps getting worse, to the point he has given up trying to get help. What to do????

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Pauline
January 20th, 2022 at 7:27 AM
Unfortunately my daughter was OK for about ten days and then reverted back to bed with crippling anxiety and severe depression. I tried to cope and encourage her for a week and then on Saturday I couldn’t face seeing her sadness another day, I actually felt in so much pain that I went to sleep for the day, something I never do. When I woke up on Sunday at 5am I couldn’t face another day of suicide watch, I had to protect my sanity and get out of the darkness. I packed a bag to go and stay for a night at my older daughter who lives up the road. She knew that I was struggling to cope with her and then her same ruminating thoughts that she’s a burden,pathetic, useless etc. I had come to the realization that I couldn’t do anything more to take her pain away and keep her alive that I had to surrender. Later I popped back home and found her totally unresponsive,she’d taken an overdose for the sixth time. I had been having the conversation with myself and friends in the same boat and I thought I would accept that if life was so excruciatingly painfull I must let her die. Everything happened very fast, we got her to the ER and she survived and since Monday is in a psych clinic where she’s happy and so am I to feel free. Our private health insurance only pays for 3 weeks of a private clinic so I don’t know what’s going to happen between now and 1st March when she will be going to an assisted living facility 1 March. I feel so free in my apartment now instead of being engulfed in her dark energy especially since I’m an empath which makes me feel her pain all the time. Now she’s in the clinic she’s blaming me, my older daughter and boyfriend for causing her to OD,.I’m so over it!

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leslie
January 20th, 2022 at 5:30 PM
I feel your pain. Similiar situation. It is just too much . I am seeing a therapist to help me cope..but its a struggle to find the right therapist , one that take our insurance, as well as new patients. It seems like it never ends. I just take 1 day at a time .

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Linda
March 9th, 2022 at 9:30 AM
I sought out advice and landed here. My son is 24, he moved out at 18. The last 3 or 4 years he has struggled with depression and is bandaiding it with alcohol. He went to Uni a year but quit, worked in service, in bars, in restaurants. The last 3 years have been so hard. He moved jobs, covid hit and he lost his job. He refuses to give up his apartment and got behind in rent. I have bailed him out more than i can say. I knew but i couldnt see it, he didnt come home much until 14 months ago I lost my husband to a heart attack. Its been hell. He has been home and a great support, but despite government help and a room mate he got behind in rent and came to me again. He gets frustrated when i try to help. He doesn’t shower, or wash his clothes much. He carries so much stress and is not motivated to do anything to try to fix anything. I am dealing with immense grief. He can be so wonderful, cooking for me, making me laugh. But the excessive drinking, and at times behaviour when he does. Its living in 2 worlds, one hes ok, one he is snippy and impatient, wanting me to ‘leave him alone’ as he says. Watching him spiral is so hard. I can’t fix him, he has to . I wish I could let go some, it is stressful for me daily. I cant express that to him, it feels as though Im walking on egg shells. I feel so much of what you are all sharing.

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Ann Mary
March 15th, 2022 at 3:51 AM
I thought I was going mad thinking that I am the only parent that cannot cope with an adult son who suffers depression but clearly I am not. I have noticed that there seems to be a trend in the threads where all those that are depressed are either in or have just finished an education and are not working for whatever reason. For me having a daily structure is personally good for my MH and I am encouraging my son who is on meds and now receiving therapy, to finish off his PhD and then start working. Fortunately, he has been offered a few interviews and I am praying that one will translate into a job offer. I think we also have to recognise there is some cause and effect taking place. He is in an unhappy relationship, recently ended up in a horrible fight with a so-called friend and lost his dog. All of this does not help his state of mind, but like all parents of a depressed adult child, I can only offer my love and support. The process of decision making and problem-solving have to be left to them, otherwise, how will they grow the confidence to make the right decisions for themselves? We have to make mistakes in order to learn from them, so yes, it is awful that someone’s daughter is just sofa surfing, but hopefully one day she will wake up and realise that this is not the life for her. I know when I was depressed as a child/young adult I had absolutely no support and never sought it either, I just pulled myself together and tried to problem-solve my way out of the mist. Today, there is so much emphasis on protecting our children, which is great, but they have to learn to develop their own skills and feel empowered to break the cycle of what I often consider to be self-pity and self-indulgence. I know that may sound heartless, but I do love my son and support him in so many ways, but we have to recognize that this state of mind is temporary and they need to find the skills and tools to overcome their problems, like everyone else. So long as the support, therapy and possibly medication is there for ashort period this is all we can do. We have to take care of our own MH and if and when they see us as parents taking control of our own lives and encouraging them to do the same, this will hopefully draw them out of this horrendous state of mind.

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Rd
March 18th, 2022 at 12:21 PM
Ann Mary- I hope the opportunities offered to your son bring him satisfaction and joy. it sounds like you have a raised a very intelligent and accomplished young man. I appreciate your advice about therapy and medication as ot seems those things are often the key tools for living with mental health issues. I also agree that tending to one’s own mental health (“MH”) is the most important thing we can do while helping dealing with our troubled adult child. The world today, there is the possibility that the fatalism our children encounter every day now on all fronts contributes to the lack of hope and that Is then multiplied by a clinical depression. This space is for comforting as we share, understand and occasionally help. The underlying current of bootstrap pulling advised in your comment may be interpreted as a judgment and indeed isn’t helpful for most serious mental health problems. People don’t “wake up” from clinical depression. Let’s encourage one another and understand that clinical depression and anxiety are not choices made by our kids and that we do not see their life in through the same prism they do. Best of luck to you and your son and to all of us as we navigate these ever-changing tides.

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MIke
March 23rd, 2022 at 2:16 AM
My 42 year old son is very cynical about the medical profession when attempting to treat depression. For over 25 years, he has had numerous counseling sessions and medications, all without any lasting benefit. At best, he has taken meds that help for awhile, but eventually lose their effectiveness. At worst, the meds incapacitate him or have horrific side effects. At this point in time, he has virtually given up on treatments, which scares me.

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Jack
March 27th, 2022 at 5:25 AM
i am not a parent. i am in my 20s and have suffered from depression and anxiety for over a decade. i stumbled upon this thread trying to gain some understanding into my mums experiences. i have read every comment on this thread and just want to send my love to all the parents here just trying to find a way to help their children. nothing prepares you for parenthood, let alone raising a sick child. you are all trying your best and please know that the lashing out is often an expression of pain, not a lack of love. much love and i hope time is kind to you xx

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Vanessa
April 9th, 2022 at 12:40 PM
Well my 28 year old daughter is depressed again. She is taking meds and in weekly therapy. She got a 50 cent and hour raise and is upset it is not 1.00. She is going on a fully paid beach vacation in 3 weeks and people are watching her pets for free. She has a loving boyfriend, a nice home, a decent job, a college degree, a beautiful face and a lovely figure. It is spring. No ones she loves is sick or dying. She has beautiful clothes, a nice car, a family that loves her and money to buy what she wants and needs. And still she is depressed, unhappy and a worry to those who care about her. When you come from a pull yourself up by your bootstraps generation it is difficult to understand what goes on with these kids today. Im sure that sounds cruel and insensitive but this has been going on for 11 years. We have done everything we can do. We just hope she cycles out of it again, is ok for awhile and then here we go again.

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Helen
April 28th, 2022 at 6:54 PM
I am so concerned with my 28 year old son, myself and the family just dont know where to go, the mental health system offers no support, thereapist??? do they really care and listen, i find they just prescribe. These adults know how to work the system to get the prescription medication they need. they drink cause they say the medication they are on gets them to feel they need a drink. I have reached out to Beyond Blue and other crisis centres for help and support. There response is , they need to follow legislation as he is 28. This young man had the world at his feet, he was on his journey 4.5 years ago travelling around Australia meeting lovely fellow travellers, he was confident, happy and able to fully function on his journey. Then he met a narcissistic pathological liar, who twisted and re programmed his mind (only way i can describe). This person is now out of his life, she staged an event that made herself be the victim instead of my son. It is heartbreaking to watch this strong human become a shell, He doesn’t see value in himself at all, she has moved on with ease after 3 years with my son, she made him so dependent on her, he says she is the only one who he can talk to, This person is very manipulative, we have found out how much she did manipulate and continues to do so in other ways. I am after suggestions on how I can get my son to stop obsessing over what she is doing. He has someone who knows both of them messaging him updates, this is not healthy and we have told him, he knows but cant stop. My son hardly leaves his room, he only goes out if he needs to buy alcohol. It has helped reading above posts to see other parents are going through the same as myself and my family are. We are open to any suggestions as we are all on suicide watch here. How do you approach the subject without sending them into another spiral?
I am open to all suggestions, we just want our beautiful young independent man back.

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Sara GT
April 28th, 2022 at 8:08 PM
Dear Helen, It sounds like your son is going through a very difficult time- we are glad you reached out. Please know that there are some really wonderful therapists available to help your son, and unless they also practice psychiatry, they do not prescribe medicine. If you would like to help your son find a mental health professional, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your country into the search field on this page:https://www.goodtherapy.org/international-search.html. Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. If you need help finding a therapist, you are welcome to call us. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team

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WitsEnd
August 14th, 2022 at 10:09 AM
My daughter is 30 she has been sober for three years she had a total breakdown she lives at home won’t get a job doesn’t wanna leave the house so she hates people she won’t even get a job online even though I keep asking her to she doesn’t contribute a dollar toward anything and then has the nerve to online shop all day but it’s keeping her sober is what she says it’s keeping for her from killing herself is what it says but I can’t do this anymore and I don’t know what else to do she does have a therapist that’s what kills me I don’t know what’s going on because she picks her face so much it’s so awful to see and I don’t want her going back because I can’t kick her out because then she might go back to drinking and her eating disorder is under control I don’t know what to do

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Concerned Mother
August 22nd, 2022 at 11:24 AM
Our daughter is 41 she has 2 daughters gone through a divorce 9 years ago and a long term manipulative relationship over a year ago. She
has went through rehab and been sober for 1 1/2 years. She hasn’t worked for over 6 years and we have been totally supporting her since her last relationship. She tells us she has depression and anxiety, is on meds and has a therapist but doesn’t always take as prescribed. Financially I am at a point that we can’t continue supporting her and the girls without her getting a job. She has this idea of getting her RE license which is great but unfortunately she has been studying for over 10 months and still nothing. She says she doesn’t want to just go get any job because she wants to do RE. We have told her numerous times that we will continue paying all of the housing expenses but she needs to assist with daily living expenses. Everytime I bring money up she tells me I am sending her over the edge. At this point she is sending me over the edge. How should I handle this. I feel like we are just enabling her but only because I told totally understand depression and anxiety. Any suggestions would help.

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maisie
February 3rd, 2023 at 12:39 PM
Does anyone have suggestions for helping a child who self harms?

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Charlotte
February 6th, 2023 at 1:01 PM
Dear Maisie, thank you for commenting on our blog. It’s hard to know what to do when someone you love is having a difficult time. You might find this article about helping someone who needs therapy to be a good resource: http://www.goodtherapy.org/how-to-help.html. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone regarding issues like these as well. If you would like to consult with a mental health professional, you can start finding therapists in your area by entering your city or ZIP code into the search field on this page: https://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html. Once you enter your information, you’ll be directed to a list of therapists and counselors who meet your criteria. You may click to view our members’ full profiles and contact the therapists themselves for more information. You are welcome to call us for personal assistance in finding a therapist. We are in the office Monday through Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. Mountain Time, and our phone number is 888-563-2112 ext 3. Kind regards, The GoodTherapy Team

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David
March 27th, 2023 at 11:37 PM
My biggest beef with Erika’s response is that she did not address depression. Depression is a serious condition as should be evident by the responses to this article. For goodness sakes, it was stated in the first line of the article! I came here looking for help for this exact thing for my adult daughter. I am sorry Erika, but your response is harmful if you do not address the underlying condition.

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Jody
March 29th, 2023 at 12:02 PM
Wow, I knew I was not the only parent going thru this but just wow, its amazing how many are actually living my nightmare, I am totally helpless and a prisoner in my own home, worrying if he my 21 year old son is going to try to kill him self or me, he put his dad in jail about 4 months ago and because I did not stick up for him, ( he had been verbally abusive to me all day) he now blames me and says that his dad is a bully. All his father did was give him a little shove after our son tried to push the door into him, his father has never laid a finger on him but we are both at our wits end and he finally had enough. He did not hurt him at all he just kinda put him on his butt and my son immediately said he was calling the cops, we said go ahead we never thought they would take my husband. There were never any charges filed im pretty sure they understood that this was a spoiled entitled 20 year old disrespecting his parents. My son does have depression and anxiety but i feel that the cause of all of this is ultimately the computer. All he does day and night is play games on that thing. He wont clean his room, do his laundry, clean up after himself, take out trash, nothing, no job, no goals no nothing. I am at my wits end. He was seeing a therapist for over a year which made him worse, the therapist convinced him we were the problem and that he needed to get away from us as soon as possible and he was prescribed medication which he stopped taking, Depacoat, well butrin, and seraquil. He takes nothing, will not see another psychiatrist, says we already tried that. He does not want to work, get his license, go to school, nothing and he barely speaks to us. Yes and no if asked a question but basically sleeps all day keeps his door closed and locked and is on the computer all night comes out only to get food.

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Kathryn
June 14th, 2023 at 8:16 PM
David, I am in complete agreement with you. The other issue that is not addressed is the possibility that some of the adult children described may possibly be on the autism spectrum. As I read so many descriptions that sound so much like my own daughter who has both ASD and anxiety/depression, I wonder why this was not mentioned, especially for females who are often never diagnosed because the symptoms present differently than in males.

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Karyn
August 27th, 2023 at 3:17 AM
It’s good (and obviously sad) that I’m not the only one.

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Jennifer
December 17th, 2023 at 3:36 PM
My daughter is 26, lives with her boyfriend, graduated nursing school almost six years ago and has not taken her RN exam yet. She lies about almost everything, in debt, goes to bed as soon as she gets home from work and is completely unmotivated to do anything which drives me completely mad. Her apartment is a complete pig pen as she does not clean at all and it frustrates me to no end. She takes medication for ADHD and depression and skypes with her NP weekly but refuses to see anyone in person. I have tried numerous times and have even tried to get her to an inpatient facility. She is extremely manipulative and depressed but refuses to help herself. She tells me things like the only reason she is with her boyfriend is because she cannot afford to live on her own and that she cannot live with me because I live in NJ and she does not drive – I really do not know how to help her anymore – feeling helpless

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Dee
January 31st, 2024 at 7:53 PM
I can appreciate all the love parents here have for their children no matter their age – and I can also sense the feelings of hopelessness and frustration. Has anyone here even bothered to pray for their kids??? Has anyone asked the Lord for His mercy and help? Prayer is so powerful.

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Maisei
February 2nd, 2024 at 2:52 PM
Yes, prayer is so powerful, but one needs to accept the fact that God’s plan isn’t always the way we want it to be.

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KB
February 2nd, 2024 at 4:50 PM
Dee, I am not sure if you realize it, but the tone of your comments was very hurtful. If parents are believers in a higher being, do you really think that they have not prayed for their well being and recovery? For non-believers, these remarks come across as judgmental and condescending. Mental illness has its roots in biochemistry, neurology, and lived experience. To suggest to parents who have watched their children suffer and who have suffered themselves that, if they had only prayed, all would solve these very complex problems is both simplistic and insensitive. Perhaps you meant well by posting your message, but please be more respectful in the future. We are all doing our best, even us non-believers.

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Dee
February 7th, 2024 at 12:50 PM
KB you make assumptions and make claims that had nothing to do with my post. I never said “if only” and I never said “it would solve all their problems” I am only speaking truth. If you read the Bible you would know that God even said “they have not because they ask not” It doesn’t always mean what we ask for is always in accordance with His will or His timing – but I will tell you this – I can’t count the number of times He has answered my prayers. Whether people believe or not does not change the truth. God wants us to depend on Him and when you make Him the center of your life your life changes for the better. Love and God bless – I pray for your strength and healing ♥

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Scoop
February 7th, 2024 at 4:10 PM
I’ve been here dying inside, anxious for years about my 27 yo daughter’s mental health. She blames me and her father (my ex) for her childhood trauma, depression, anxiety (she’s probably not wrong) but she doesn’t do anything to help herself. I am “here” for her. But I’m here too much, I feel. I pay all her bills although she’s supposed to be working with me on my online business (that I only keep running for her) but she’s only put in like 5 hours work in the last 4 months because she’s “struggling”. I want to move on with my life and I’ve gone back to school but can’t move forward because she’s always got a “crisis”. I know I sound sarcastic about it, but her crises often are self inflicted – she’s got an emotionally unavailable boyfriend who is 52 who has an ex-wife who’s actively aggressive to her, she lives off grid but doesn’t do the hard work needed to keep it functioning properly so something’s always broken, doesn’t do anything to make money, cancels her therapy appointments because they’re “too hard” (yes, I pay for those too). And recently her dog ran away and was never found. She’s grieving hard because she’s afraid to be alone (physically and emotionally) without the dog in the home (why live where you are so afraid???). So I flew to her country at a great expense to be with her, putting my entire life on hold. Meanwhile, I’m cleaning up after her, fixing up her home, paying for things while she numbs on social media all day. When I encourage her to talk, or to do something to actually address her grief and mental health, I am the asshole. And she tells me she’s really struggling and i can’t know what she’s going through. And that she’s not sure what the hell life is for. My mother died of suicide 14 years ago. I am terrified that if one more thing goes wrong and she hasn’t shored up her mental, physical and financial health, I’ll be called to help her with another crisis (at great expense to my finances and my own mental health) or I’ll be called to find out she’s in even bigger trouble than she is now. As it is, she calls me once a week or more in an “episode” of anxiety because the boyfriend didn’t text her back or someone didn’t invite her to something, or she got a flat tire. Then I’m dragged into her drama for hours and days. I’m exhausted, frustrated, terrified, anxious, sleepless. When does “being there for them” become too much? Especially when they won’t do anything to support themselves? I’m afraid if I cut off the money train, that instead of encouraging her to get off her butt, she’ll feel like she’s being abandoned by me (which she holds over me as being non-available when she was a child). Ugh… crying again. Feeling used and abused and confused.

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Maisie
February 8th, 2024 at 8:08 AM
Well said KB.

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Dee
February 16th, 2024 at 12:59 PM
Scoop – I hear you – I do and my heart breaks for you because I know this feeling. #1 She is not alone and #2 you are not alone. I used to think I was too. I have lived on my own since the 2000’s, 24 yrs is a long time to have only yourself to depend on and time after time I thought I had to keep it all together – be the stronghold and the one in control and no matter how I tried, everything around me kept crumbling and falling apart. I was isolated from everything and everyone, my daughter would not speak to me for 3 yrs and I lost my job on top and then I ended up in the ER 3 times in 2 months for my heart – I literally thought I was going to die. and emptied of myself. And I finally realized why God did this. He layed me flat and emptied me of myself so I could finally see I could not depend on myself that I was nothing without Him. He called me and in submission I laid everything at His feet. It was nothing I did on my own. I will tell you since then (2 yrs ago) my life has completely changed for the better when I put my trust in Him. The truth is HE is your strength dear and you cannot do anything in this life without Him. You can react in disbelief or criticism or even offense to what I am saying and I understand, I used to be where you are dealing with my own daughter in desperation, frustration, hopelessness and defeat. Hear me out please- I want you and your daughter to do one thing and it will cost you nothing, read the Bible for one month – 20 min a day. Just do it. Seek Him. I promise you it will change your life. In love & truth…

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KB
February 16th, 2024 at 1:06 PM
Hi Dee,
You are right. You did not say “if only”. You did, however say, “Has anyone here even bothered to pray for their kids???” I found the the phrase “even bothered”, coupled with the three question marks to be very hurtful. Please take a moment to consider how those words and punctuation may have come across to people who have spent years caring for their children. As I stated earlier, you may not have intended to offend, but the tone came across as judgmental and I was genuinely hurt by your remarks.
Also, I have read the Bible, and since you have read it too, you will know that Romans states, “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
That’s all.
Thanks.
KB

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rj
February 20th, 2024 at 12:17 PM
I could not agree with you more KB. We are all adults and as such we can assume that we all understand the religious choices available to us. I am glad prayer works for you Masei and Dee, but please put anything that works for you in that context not in advice or judgment or mission, this is a non-sectarian site. if that doesn’t work or proselytizing is important to you, perhaps you can find a Christian site that is better suited and more appropriate. Best wishes- RD

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rj
February 20th, 2024 at 1:21 PM
Oh my gosh – Scoop- I can totally empathize with where you are. I am sure many of us on here can. I believe you have already reached the “too much” point, but it is almost unthinkable to do what they would consider abandonment, so we are stuck in this cycle and constantly feel drained of energy to enjoy our own lives. And, during those glimmers when we do get to – it feels so great but there’s also a tinge of guilt. Boy do I know how you feel. Luckily we are at a point where my daughter is working and being productive and getting accolades BUT she is not getting any therapy, is only taking ADhD medication and we live in a tentative state of happiness, hoping that we are out of the woods but never knowing when we encounter another dense forest. We do what we do to get through and sometimes it helps me just knowing we are not alone out here- there’s a lot of us experiencing our kids depression and anxiety. Even more after covid, at least even more being vocal about it. I hope this site brings you a little ease with camaraderie. And I so hope for your daughter that she can get the help she clearly needs and can experience her life without “crisis” and despair soon if not the happiness all of our children deserve.

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Dee
February 21st, 2024 at 1:21 PM
KB – this is not a place to troll and create personal attacks — people here are looking for truth and answers to help them. The word “bother” I used to express the idea of “take the time” or “make it a priority” It was a question not a judgement. I was offering a powerful solution for people in need in truth and love. If you even understood scripture you would know that you just twisted Romans 14:1 and you did not interpret it correctly. .. and second, people including yourself should never assume without first seeking to understand before they cast their viewpoints on another. God bless.

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KB
February 28th, 2024 at 2:16 PM
If you feel like I personally attacked you, I apologize. I did state multiple times that I did not think you meant to offend, but, as I said in my last post, your words and the tone of your post hurt me. If you are not up for owning this and apologizing, that’s your decision.

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KB
February 28th, 2024 at 2:17 PM
Thank you.

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GoBananas
July 3rd, 2024 at 4:22 PM
My son is 21 and highly gifted with a 146 I.Q. But has an assortment of mixed chocolates named mental disorders: a low volatile depression with ups and downs, anxiety, dyslexia, ADD with autism on top of this which oddly is the least worst. The medication prevents him from being an anger OCD machine, we finally got him to start therapy and had a shutdown before the 2nd session. We are on eggshells around his feelings. He takes everything personally. Our whole lives are making sure he doesn’t have a shutdown ruining our day. We encourage him to invite friends over, go for walks, exercise, everything. But it is draining. He just sucks the life out of everything most of the time. And I have to keep things normal otherwise my spouse gets depressed at all this and can’t work. I run a small business because I had to give up my career in biology.

We don’t want to live with him. He chooses not to do anything to improve himself. He doesn’t even read despite scoring a 1530 on the SAT in high school.. He simply doesn’t read books due to his dyslexia. We are trying to get him on disability but are running into resistance from the courts because we aren’t poor, but we aren’t rich. I had to give up my career to take care of him as a kid.

We can’t afford one of these “put him there for a month” places in Utah to break his OCD/Anxiety habits. We feel trapped in our own home. We can’t even go on vacation. The last 2 times we went with him it was a disaster. This was years ago and we aren’t making that mistake again. We have no family to take care of him. They all died or live in other countries. No help.

He is a really good kid and loves us to death… but we can’t stand him. He just has that personality that rubs us the wrong way all the time. I have to fake it everyday with fake smiles and forcing myself to spend time with him to keep him out of darkness. When I can’t take it anymore my spouse takes over so I get a break. So we each take mini-vacations alone to keep our sanity. I can’t tell you how refreshing that is.

He doesn’t even make his own food or clean his clothes. He has these panic attacks just asking him to put something on a plate because he doesn’t want to touch food. Despite eating a f$(*ing sandwich with his hands.

We want to put him in a group home. We both regret having him. But we do the right thing because we are good people to make sure that maybe when he gets closer to 25-30 he breaks out of this and wants to help himself. We have a responsibility to him because we chose to have him. If we knew I had autism when we were young we would have adopted. I’d love it if he went out with his friends and got in trouble. Do SOMETHING instead of sitting in his room all day looking at videos and playing online games. We feel like our lives are just draining away.

And the worst part is that he is mild. I have read countless stories of far, far worse. We both have a huge level of empathy for parents that have a child/adult-child with worse mental illness/autism. If I had some of their children I would have given them up as we aren’t mentally able to handle those kids. My spouse and I have agreeable non-conflict personalities. We get alone great. He has the typical male non-agreeable personality. So we clash in personalities. We thought maybe it is us and we are weak parents but the psychologist said we did incredibly well with him all things considered. Our retirement is half shot because of him. All the medical bills and loss of work on my part. The small business doesn’t pay what a full time job does. We have so much regret. What is worse is that there is all this empathy for people like him… which I 100% understand and support… but if me as a parent complains I get looked down upon. People don’t know how hard it is to be a caregiver to a disabled person.

Ok I’m done venting.

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Jody
July 22nd, 2024 at 1:56 AM
Wow I can totally relate to all but the part where you said you cant stand him, I love my son and would do anything to help him, I never once regretted having him, what I do regret is staying in a relationship with his father because I thought he needed his father, but I was very wrong, he would have been much better off without him. He has been nothing of a role model to him, my son has narcistic tendencies because he sees how his narcissist speaks to me but still i never give up or say I hate him, he is just a product of what we created in his life a young child. I take the full blame along with the father, the father sees nothing we did wrong, because he is a narcissist and I also blame the video games, sitting in a dark room 24-7 playing meaningless games with friends you have never met, thinking they are you friends, he listens to anyone online that he talks to, but don’t even know where they are from or anything about it but their word is bond. If I never left this house let alone a room for longer then two days I’m loosing my mind, I too worry about leaving him alone, don’t want to come home to find him hanging in his closet or worse, the father thinks we should kick him out, how would you do that to basically a baby who knows nothing about life and its craziness. If I tell him its dangerous out there he says I’m just trying to scare him, well I hope I am, because it is downright scary out there. Any way I too feel as though life is just passing him by and I ask him all the time what are you going to do when we are gone? He says he will worry about that when that time comes, just don’t get it. I say just try for your driving license or get a little job one or two days a week until you feel you can handle more, he always has an answer and its not the smartest one in the book. I feel very helpless about this situation.

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