How Can I Learn to Open Up to My Therapist?
Dear Going Nowhere,
First, let me applaud your courage in seeking out therapy and for reaching out to GoodTherapy.org with your question. It is no small thing to acknowledge that one needs help, so bravo to you for taking those steps.
Your question of how to open up to a therapist is quite common. Many people feel overwhelmed at the possibility of sharing their deepest, darkest secrets and pain with a virtual stranger. It seems especially frustrating when you are paying for the services but still can’t seem to open up. However, this is perfectly normal, and many people find themselves in that position. There are a few things that might contribute to this: you may not have developed the level of trust you need to feel safe with the therapist you are working with, you may be fearful of being judged by the therapist, or maybe you are afraid that opening the pain of the past might be too much to handle. There are many reasons for people not opening up in therapy, so I will give you some ideas on how to get things going.
If you’ve ever heard the saying, “If something scares you, you must do it immediately,” this will sound familiar. You have to build trust with your therapist AND with yourself—with your therapist, you need to know that he or she has the capacity to hold whatever pain you might share, and you need to know that you can handle sharing your past without falling apart, losing control, or being overtaken. The best way to do this is by taking small steps. First, I suggest talking with your therapist specifically about your inability to open up. This type of honest conversation can be a bridge to building trust in other areas. Second, after having that conversation, intentionally decide to take risks and share honestly in your therapy sessions. Even if you don’t want to share the trauma of the past, you can say, “I’m really anxious because I want to share, but I’m afraid of …” Simply naming the anxiety when it appears can help clear the way through it.
Finally, many people are concerned that the therapist will judge them when they share openly. While I can’t say that there aren’t therapists who judge, they are firmly in the minority. Therapists generally hold a genuine space of empathy and high regard for the people they work with, knowing that each individual has had a unique “pain journey” and that seeking help is not a sign of weakness, but rather of deep strength. Your therapist is a stranger only as long as you keep him or her that way. By taking small risks and building trust, you will deepen your relationship with your therapist, which will help your therapy progress.
You can make this therapeutic experience what you want it to be by taking ownership for how it has gone and making active choices in how to handle it going forward. I believe that you want this to work, and I believe that it will because you are willing to work. Best wishes in your journey!
Sincerely,
Lisa
Lisa Vallejos
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Jada
December 19th, 2014 at 11:57 AMMaybe you just aren’t ready for developing the level of trust that you need in order to feel comfortable enough with someone to open up to them about things like this.
I know that the first time I saw my therapist, and really the first few times I guess, I was so nervous because I had it in my head that he was judging me for every little thing that I said.
I had to get past that, understand that I was going for me and that he was there to help me, not shame me.
It can be hard, I get that, but once you find that level of comfort with someone and you recognize how much good this is doing, I think that you will come to love your talks and you will start to get so much more out of them.Reggie J
December 19th, 2014 at 1:12 PMFirst, you’re to be commended for your continued attempts to get involved in therapy. Maybe trying to think about how your life will be different when you find a good fit in a therapist,may be a good starting point. Using that information may help alleviate negative self talk when experiencing anxiety.
stella
December 21st, 2014 at 1:57 PMFrom my point of view I am not that sure that it is about you getting to where you can open up to them or it is more about you have to become comfortable with the fact that you are in therapy period. Some people struggle with that to begin with, and so it will be hard to give it 100% if you are still worried about how others will perceive the process. Not that you should worry about them at all, you should only be thinking about you and your own process of healing but I know that that can be tough.
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