How Can I Stay Strong Knowing My Wife Has Terminal Cancer?

A couple of weeks ago, my wife of four years drove herself to the emergency room complaining about a burning sensation in her midsection. A battery of tests later, doctors found lesions on her pancreas and liver that were biopsied and determined to be cancerous. She is Stage 4, and the prognosis is terminal. She is 37! She has anywhere from a few months to a year or so, depending on how she reacts to chemotherapy. Needless to say, my world has been turned upside-down—hers too, obviously. I thought we'd have a lifetime together, and here we are facing this greatest of challenges that doctors say cannot be overcome, just delayed. She's a fighter, and I'm sure that will maximize our time together, and I took an indefinite leave of absence from work to be with her and help her. I cannot imagine what she is feeling and going through. I am trying not to let her see how much I am struggling with this. It's still sinking in, of course, but all I want to do is weep and hide and weep some more. I can't cry in front of her and get her down, though. She hasn't yet accepted this diagnosis, but her spirits are better than mine would be, at least on the outside. How do I support my wife through this difficult time without breaking down and taking her with me? How do I grieve and be strong at the same time? How can I be what she needs me to be if I'm always on the verge of losing it? Please help me. —Heartbroken Hubby
Dear Heartbroken Hubby,

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and cannot imagine the pain you and your wife must be experiencing as she fights her battle against cancer. Let’s get to the root of your questions.

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You love each other. You can’t help being what she needs you to be—she needs you to be you, loving her, and you clearly do. Yes, you will be optimistic if you can and if that helps. Yes, you can cry in front of her after she has had sufficient time to digest the news, and you can cry together to mourn the life that you will not have together, as well as to celebrate the life you have together now and have had to this point. You are grieving. Of course you are grieving. Please allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to. Although you say your wife is acclimating to the news better than you are, it’s possible she’s trying to stay “strong” for you, and is grieving inside every bit as much as you are. It’s OK to grieve together. In fact, it could be very helpful. Talk to your wife about what you are feeling and see how she feels about experiencing your grief as a team.

Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it’s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments.

You describe your wife as a fighter, and you sound like you are one, too. You will find ways to be together and do the things you love best. And in those times when grieving in front of your wife doesn’t feel like the thing to do, when you need to scream and holler and let go, it’s absolutely OK to find a private place and do so. You can walk down a busy city street and yell your heart out (I’ve done this myself), or you can hide in the woods and do the same. You can lean on a good friend or family member who will help you mourn and be angry and be thankful, and break apart and heal and hold together.

You have time still to show your love, to enjoy the everyday-ness of being together. Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it’s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments. You will be brave and cowardly, angry and loving, and express all the emotions that humans are capable of feeling, and you will do so both together and separately. All of it is OK. All of it is normal. All of it is whatever you make of it. Please let yourself feel what you feel.

Your wife needs help, yes, but don’t forget that you do, too. You need and deserve supportive people—family, friends, perhaps even groups who will help you through this. You can’t do it alone.

Many hospitals have support groups where people meet and help one another through difficult times. Are you members of a religious or spiritual group? Would you consider working privately with a therapist or counselor—someone just for you, or someone for you both? I highly recommend the empathic support of a therapist to help guide you through the range of emotions you’re feeling right now, especially a therapist who specializes in grief, loss, and bereavement.

I hope you can feel the love and peace that I wish you both.

Take care,
Lynn

Lynn Somerstein, PhD, NCPsyA, C-IAYT is a Manhattan-based, licensed psychotherapist with more than 30 years in private practice. She is also a yoga teacher and student of Ayuveda—the Indian science of wellness. Her main interest is in helping people find healthy ways of living, loving, and working in the particular combination that works best for them, connecting to their deepest energic source so their full range of abilities can be expressed. Lynn's specialty is understanding and alleviating anxiety and depression.
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  • Logan

    September 5th, 2015 at 11:23 AM

    This kind of diagnosis can be so hard on the family especially when it comes from out of left field. It is then like there has been no time to prepare for it and your loved one who is facing it is having a tough tie coming to terms with that diagnosis. You do need to be strong for her as she doesn’t have that much time, but in the same vein you also have to find a place where you feel comfortable getting some help for what you need to. There are so many loved ones and support groups who would probably love to help the two of you during what I am sure is a very difficult time.

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  • carin

    September 6th, 2015 at 7:56 AM

    Is it wrong to feel like you have to be her rock right now, and you have to wait to take care of yourself later?

    Reply

  • Rebecca T.

    September 6th, 2015 at 7:24 PM

    I think you already did the most important thing, and that is the indefinite leave of absence. You are a very loving, and selfless person. Don’t feel guilty, or like you have to go back to work before your time with her is over. Everything you don’t have, or have to replace, or whatever, just isn’t important and you can work and get them later. It’s about her. And it seems to me the hours spent at work, are wasted time. Don’t worry if you have an argument, because they will happen. Just remember an argument doesn’t mean you have to be mad or distant. Put love above all other possible things. Because the only thing that time won’t give back to you, is your wife.

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