How Can I Stay Strong Knowing My Wife Has Terminal Cancer?

September 4, 2015

A couple of weeks ago, my wife of four years drove herself to the emergency room complaining about a burning sensation in her midsection. A battery of tests later, doctors found lesions on her pancreas and liver that were biopsied and determined to be cancerous. She is Stage 4, and the prognosis is terminal. She is 37! She has anywhere from a few months to a year or so, depending on how she reacts to chemotherapy. Needless to say, my world has been turned upside-down—hers too, obviously. I thought we'd have a lifetime together, and here we are facing this greatest of challenges that doctors say cannot be overcome, just delayed. She's a fighter, and I'm sure that will maximize our time together, and I took an indefinite leave of absence from work to be with her and help her. I cannot imagine what she is feeling and going through. I am trying not to let her see how much I am struggling with this. It's still sinking in, of course, but all I want to do is weep and hide and weep some more. I can't cry in front of her and get her down, though. She hasn't yet accepted this diagnosis, but her spirits are better than mine would be, at least on the outside. How do I support my wife through this difficult time without breaking down and taking her with me? How do I grieve and be strong at the same time? How can I be what she needs me to be if I'm always on the verge of losing it? Please help me. —Heartbroken Hubby

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and cannot imagine the pain you and your wife must be experiencing as she fights her battle against cancer. Let’s get to the root of your questions.

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You love each other. You can’t help being what she needs you to be—she needs you to be you, loving her, and you clearly do. Yes, you will be optimistic if you can and if that helps. Yes, you can cry in front of her after she has had sufficient time to digest the news, and you can cry together to mourn the life that you will not have together, as well as to celebrate the life you have together now and have had to this point. You are grieving. Of course you are grieving. Please allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to. Although you say your wife is acclimating to the news better than you are, it’s possible she’s trying to stay “strong” for you, and is grieving inside every bit as much as you are. It’s OK to grieve together. In fact, it could be very helpful. Talk to your wife about what you are feeling and see how she feels about experiencing your grief as a team.

Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it’s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments.

You describe your wife as a fighter, and you sound like you are one, too. You will find ways to be together and do the things you love best. And in those times when grieving in front of your wife doesn’t feel like the thing to do, when you need to scream and holler and let go, it’s absolutely OK to find a private place and do so. You can walk down a busy city street and yell your heart out (I’ve done this myself), or you can hide in the woods and do the same. You can lean on a good friend or family member who will help you mourn and be angry and be thankful, and break apart and heal and hold together.

You have time still to show your love, to enjoy the everyday-ness of being together. Four years may be a pittance of the time you wished you might have, but it’s also a treasure chest of breakfasts and dinners, fights and laughs, walks and longer journeys, complaints and compliments. You will be brave and cowardly, angry and loving, and express all the emotions that humans are capable of feeling, and you will do so both together and separately. All of it is OK. All of it is normal. All of it is whatever you make of it. Please let yourself feel what you feel.

Your wife needs help, yes, but don’t forget that you do, too. You need and deserve supportive people—family, friends, perhaps even groups who will help you through this. You can’t do it alone.

Many hospitals have support groups where people meet and help one another through difficult times. Are you members of a religious or spiritual group? Would you consider working privately with a therapist or counselor—someone just for you, or someone for you both? I highly recommend the empathic support of a therapist to help guide you through the range of emotions you’re feeling right now, especially a therapist who specializes in grief, loss, and bereavement.

I hope you can feel the love and peace that I wish you both.

Take care,

Lynn

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