How Do I Get Over My Therapist Having Sex with Me?

My therapist had sex with me. It's been five years and I'm still not over the "affair." I've seen other therapists and they wanted me to press charges, but I just want to move on. Part of my issue is this therapist is a woman and I am a woman. Most people don't believe that a woman can abuse another woman. But it happened to me. How can I heal? —Ready to Move On
Dear Ready to Move On,

Thank you for writing. I am so sorry this happened to you. It frankly makes my blood boil. This breach and exploitation is exactly what therapists are never supposed to do. To me, it’s akin to incest. I’m glad you’re reaching out about it. Despite whatever conflicted feelings you might be having, please know that this was not your fault in any way. Maintaining that professional wall and keeping the boundary between healer and client is solely the responsibility of the therapist. Psychological safety and doing no harm is our top priority. It’s heartbreaking that your therapist so violated the sanctity of the relationship.

Of course, from a psychological viewpoint, this kind of gross violation of boundaries and trust will bring up all kinds of conflicted and traumatic feelings for the client. (This is one of many reasons that such a breach indicates the therapist has lost her way in the profession.) What’s especially tragic is that this experience may have parallel emotional resonance for those who were abused or neglected as children. One of the most common misperceptions by victims of such abuse is that they think, somehow, in a desperate effort to make sense of a painfully chaotic phenomenon, that they “caused” or “brought on” the abuse. Therapy is set up so that it really is all about the client; when this kind of abuse transpires, how can the client help but think (among other things) that the violation is somehow “about me”? Trust me: This is about a malpracticing therapist.

The feelings you’re having are quite understandable; however—and I hate to say this—they most likely won’t just go away on their own. You allude to this in your letter in that, five years hence, the pain lingers. In a way, it means you have a communicative psyche that needs some sustained, loving attention; you deserve the care and guidance of a competent therapist to help you heal. The fact other therapists wanted you to press charges may be a sign of how seriously we take our oath as healers—it’s enraging when we hear of violations of that oath. However, you are not obligated to do anything that feels too scary or overwhelming. You may want to press charges at some point, you may not. That doesn’t seem to be what you’re needing right now, and such a decision can come later, if ever. It’s not your job to “police” anyone. We don’t want to create a situation wherein we “blame the victim.”

The first step is a healing process wherein you can reintegrate and reconnect with whatever had to be dissociated or sacrificed to live with the hurt of this abuse. Other decisions will likely follow of their own accord.

I’m curious as to your statement that “most people don’t believe a woman can abuse another woman.” Since that falls outside the range of my own experience, I would want to know more about that, i.e. who “most people” are. Most people in your circle of family and friends? Potential authorities who would evaluate this case? Has your mistreatment at the hands of others ever been doubted?

You are alluding to what I call the double whammy of trauma—first there is the painful abuse itself, and then (and this is often what causes the real hurt and disruption) the denial or minimization of the abuse. It’s possible that we can heal from hurtful events if those who participated acknowledge both the event and their participation, followed by their amending such behaviors. With the repetition of abuse and denial, and no commitment by the abusers to cease, we begin to wonder if we are in fact “exaggerating” or even “crazy.” A painful split emerges between mind and body, as we doubt our own perceptions, memories, and physical reality. This takes a lot of time to heal, to reconnect with and trust our own emotional experience and intuition, but repair is possible. Your perspective on these events may shift once the fractures begin to heal.

You may need to tell your therapist—and I’m hoping you have one you trust, or want to find one—that you’re not interested in pursuing any reporting or recriminatory actions just now. It sounds like you need now to put yourself first, make sense of what happened, and engage in a healing process with someone who will cherish the trust you give to him or her. It is a privilege for us to be trusted, and it’s something we have to earn. Don’t feel in any hurry—in fact, I’d encourage you to go at a pace that feels right to you.

I’m sorry this happened, but so glad you wrote in. I hope this answer helped in some small way. Please don’t give up on finding the right person, in spite of this awful breach. Warmest good wishes to you.

Kind regards,
Darren

Darren Haber, PsyD, MFT is a psychotherapist specializing in treating alcoholism and drug addiction as well as co-occurring issues such as anxiety, depression, relationship concerns, secondary addictions (especially sex addiction), and trauma (both single-incident and repetitive). He works in a variety of modalities, primarily cognitive behavioral, spiritual/recovery-based, and psychodynamic. He is certified in eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, and continues to receive psychodynamic training in treating relational trauma, including emotional abuse/neglect and physical and sexual abuse.
  • 89 comments
  • Leave a Comment

  • tess

    December 13th, 2013 at 11:14 AM

    What?!? This is insane that someone in this position would use you in this way knowing how frail and vulnerable you could be. Shame on this person!

    Reply

  • Kim

    February 19th, 2017 at 12:32 PM

    OMG, this sound so familiar, my therapist, started romancing me from the beginning, phone calls and texting all day, wanting to know all my thoughts and thinking. Asking about all my sexual experiences. In session wanting me to show him how sexy I could be for him. Wanting me to text sexual fantasies with him. I believe he drugged and hypnotized me, saying it was meditation for IFS therapy. In sessions he got closer and closer, he started with asking if I wanted to sit close and hold hands, then to the floor, holding hugging tightly, touching, fondling, caressing, kissing, it was totally sexual exploitation. I told him of most of my sexual abuse as a young child.
    This therapist said he was going to show me what real love feel’s like., the therapy turned into a sexual relationship. Now he says it’s all my fault, I asked for it all. I have to keep seeing him, he’s got all my texting he wanted,
    And, who knows what he wrote in my chart to cover his self. He says things , oh there’s so much ,I can’t even write it all here.
    He created attachment, love, dependency, I have to keep seeing him.

    Reply

  • Darren Haber

    February 19th, 2017 at 11:04 PM

    Hi Kim. You actually don’t if you don’t want to. You are being terribly and illegally exploited. I urge you to see another therapist NOT associated with this one and get a second opinion. I am so sorry you’re going through this. You might also consider reporting him to authorities, or consulting with an attorney. But I’d start with another therapist who will help you decide what to do about what sounds to me like some form of assault (taking sedatives against your will). This person may be harming other women as well. I am so sorry you’re going thru this. Such an abuse of power makes my blood boil. Thx for writing.

show more comments

Leave a Comment

By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.

 

* Indicates required field.

Search Our Blog

   

Browse by Category


Notice to users

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.
GoodTherapy uses cookies to personalize content and ads to provide better services for our users and to analyze our traffic. By continuing to use this site you consent to our cookies.