How Do I Tell My Girlfriend That Her Teenage Daughter Is an Issue?

Hi, I am 26 and my girlfriend is 36. She is a single mother with a 17-year-old daughter. We both love each other very much, but sometimes I struggle with the fact she has a daughter. I come from a very traditionalist family where such a situation would be frowned upon—never mind the fear I expect when we tell them that she already has a daughter with no father on the scene. How do I reconcile myself with these thoughts of resentment toward the fact that she already has a daughter? After a year, she also wants me to move in with her and her daughter. How do I tell her that I would find it extremely difficult living with her 17-year-old daughter without hurting her feelings? —In Over My Head
Dear In Over My Head,

It sounds like there are two main issues for you right now: managing your feelings and hesitation about dating someone with a teenage daughter, and dealing with your fears about how your family will respond to your situation and the woman you love.

The fact is your girlfriend is a mom. Nothing is going to change that. You can wish it weren’t so, but that is a big part of who she is. It also may be that her experiences as a mom made her into the person you fell in love with.

I’m curious about where your resentment is coming from. Is it mostly coming from fears about how your family will react, or are there other issues at play? You knew she was a mother when you started dating her. You have been in a relationship with her for a year. If you are uncomfortable with the idea of moving in together, you owe it to her, yourself, and your relationship to have an honest conversation about that. Her feelings may get hurt, but avoiding the issue and letting these feelings fester in secret can do much more damage to your relationship. If you need support in how to have that kind of conversation, you may want to reach out to a therapist in your area for individual or couples work.

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Dating someone who has kids can be complicated. Something that makes your situation potentially even more complicated is the spread of ages. You are, in fact, closer in age to the daughter than the mother. How much of that is factoring in to your unease? Would you feel the same way if her daughter were 7 instead of 17?

As for how your family reacts to your relationship, you cannot control what your family thinks or feels. They may disapprove of your relationship. They may disapprove of your girlfriend. It is up to you how much importance you give to their feelings. At 26, you are an adult who can make his own decisions. If the way your family feels about your partner is a deal-breaker, then it is important to be honest about that. Her past is not going away. If, however, you choose to be in relationship with this woman, it is not fair of you to judge or condemn her for her past. Your family can choose to disapprove. Only you can choose to let that matter.

I hope this helps shed some light on your situation. I hope you can resolve your internal conflict and highly recommend seeking the support of a therapist to help guide you through it.

Best,
Erika

Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC is a licensed psychotherapist and former educator specializing in working with families in transition (often due to separation or divorce) as well as individuals seeking support with relationship issues, parenting, depression, anxiety, grief/loss/bereavement, and managing major life changes. Although her theoretical orientation is eclectic, she most frequently uses a person-centered, strengths-based approach and cognitive behavioral therapy in her practice.
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  • Audrey

    November 28th, 2014 at 9:01 AM

    The whole thing kind of makes me wish that you hadn’t already invested so much time in this relationship and that she hadn’t already done the same with you. Didn’t you kind of know form the very beginning that this would be a problem?

    Reply

  • quinn

    November 28th, 2014 at 11:30 AM

    I am thinking that this could be a a huge gap for the two of you to be able to bridge together. But I would certainly cut the ties now if you are not sure because this is probably someone looking for a commitment and it is not fair to her if you keep stringing her along.

    Reply

  • austin L

    November 28th, 2014 at 2:26 PM

    I would love to know if this is something about your relationship that has always bothered you or is it a new development for some reason?

    Reply
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