Dear GoodTherapy.org,
Everyone I know goes bonkers when they see a kid under the age of, say, 6. “Oh, what a sweet-faced little angel!” they’ll say. All I see, meanwhile, is a snot-nosed germ factory and life/financial drain whose parents, in the prime of their lives, surrendered their freedom to raise.
I never say this out loud, of course. But sometimes my dislike of kids inevitably comes out, as when the unwanted questions about my own situation come along: “Any kids?” “Don’t you want to have children?” “When are you having kids?” Nope. I sure don’t. Never! People stare at me like I have three heads when I say I don’t like or want kids.
I’m getting to the age where most of my friends are having kids, and this makes me feel increasingly isolated. I can’t help that I don’t like kids (at least, I don’t think I can?), but I also sometimes find myself wondering if there’s something wrong with me for not liking/wanting children. Your thoughts on this would be welcomed. —No Kidding
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Dear No Kidding,
I really appreciate this question. So many people struggle with this issue. Having children, like any other life decision, is not for everyone. Some people are certain they want to have children, others are certain they don’t want to have children, and still others are unsure. It sounds like you fall squarely in the category of being certain you do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with you for making this decision.
Society seems to be at something of turning point on this issue. People of previous generations often got married and had children without giving it much thought, but rather because it was just “what you did.” These days, for many people, major life events—including marriage and having children—are not taken for granted, but rather thoughtful decisions based on the kind of lives they’d like to live. Still, there remain plenty of people who see these events as customary, desirable, traditional, or inevitable and therefore have no qualms about asking you when you are going to do them.
It sounds like you fall squarely in the category of being certain you do not want to have children. There is nothing wrong with you for making this decision.
I would imagine if you can do some work to get to a place where you accept this as a valid choice designed to give you the kind of life you are seeking, you may stop questioning what is “wrong” with you. You may feel more comfortable providing people with explanations when they inquire or, even better, you won’t feel a need to justify your choices. If you struggle to get to this place on your own, you might consider partnering with a therapist to help you explore this issue, come to terms with it, and decide how (or if) you want to talk about it with people.
Before closing, I’d like to end on a practical note. You mention feeling isolated as more and more of your friends begin to have children. People generally become friends with one another because of some commonalities or an experience that draws them together. This was probably the case for you and your friends when you met. As your friends move into parenthood, there can still be a place for you in their lives (and vice versa), but it may also be important for you to find some friends who are interested in the freedom a child-free life can provide.
Kind regards,
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