Dear GoodTherapy.org,
I’m done with my family. With the exception of my brother-in-law, they have all become angry, nasty people (dare I say racist in many cases). Their beliefs are the polar opposite of mine. Some of them believe and say things that would be very hurtful to some of my friends, and I find it deeply offensive. Of course, they think it’s my problem for being offended. Apparently there is nothing wrong with them and I just need “thicker skin.”
You know what? No. If not for our shared DNA, we wouldn’t even be friends. Why should I pretend to like you just because we were put on this earth in circumstances that caused us to have to tolerate each other?
I have to tell you how alone I feel right now. I hate that I feel so out of place in my own family. It feels like a choice between morality and loyalty. I choose morality. My brother-in-law tends to grin and bear it, but I can tell he is struggling with this too.
I’m not sure why I am writing. I’m just really sad right now. I don’t feel like I have a family, even though they are alive and well. And I don’t know what to do about that. —On My Own
Dear On Your Own,
I’m so sorry you find yourself in such a painful place. We are living in polarized times where the differences between us can feel like insurmountable gulfs. There are many people finding themselves at odds with friends, family members, and coworkers in surprising and hurtful ways. There is no one way to manage these hurtful experiences; we can only find the path that works for us.
People can disagree, and yet, with compassion and empathy, hear one another and find ways to connect. It sounds, however, as if you have raised your concerns with your family and have been brushed off and had your feelings dismissed. That is not what you might hope to experience from those who are, in theory, closest to you.
I hear you framing your dilemma as a conflict between morality and loyalty. Perhaps the issue is better understood as one of mutual respect of one another’s humanity.
I hear you framing your dilemma as a conflict between morality and loyalty. Perhaps the issue is better understood as one of mutual respect of one another’s humanity. You have tried to share your feelings and discomfort and have not received understanding, compassion, or respect. It would be understandable if you did not want to continue being in relationship with people who seem to care so little about how you feel. That isn’t disloyalty, that is self-preservation.
Given how hurt and isolated you feel, it may be helpful to talk with a licensed therapist about your feelings of loss and disappointment. You can explore how you want to move forward and if there may be ways to stay connected with your family that would not be so painful.
Each of us has the family we were born into and the family that we create. Both can be supportive parts of our lives, but sometimes we have to move away from one toward another that serves us better.
Best of luck,
Erika Myers, MS, MEd, LPC, NCC
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