I Feel Guilty for Leaving Him in His Time of Need. How Do I Deal?
Dear Survivor,
Guilt is a powerful emotion that does not like to be disobeyed. It is often quite loud, slippery, insidious, and overwhelming—yet it is not always right. Emotion experts believe that guilt is a social emotion, which arises when we behave in a way that goes against social rules, morals, or expectations. Since we are a highly social species that depends upon the social pack for survival, it makes sense that an intensely undesirable emotion arises when we break from the guidelines of the pack; in fact, the intensity and undesirableness of guilt is designed to get us to make a U-turn, align our behaviors with the guidelines of the social group, and resume our membership within it.
Understanding this gives you an avenue by which to determine whether listening to your guilt is wise. Rather than using the intensity of your guilt to determine whether to listen to it, you can look at the societal guidelines the guilt is in reaction to and determine whether abiding by these guidelines is wise.
Identify what societal guidelines your guilt is rooted in and spend some time deciphering what exactly you feel guilty about. Once you have a sense of the guidelines your guilt is in reaction to, weigh these against the guidelines you are basing your decision to separate on. From my perspective, your decision to separate from your spouse is rooted in a belief that you have a right to safety and to live free from abuse. The right to live a life without abuse is a human right, a constitutional right. Do the guidelines that are fueling your guilt outweigh your moral and legal rights to an abuse-free life?
I hope that engaging in this exercise can help you understand that your guilt, although strong, is not based on guidelines that are safe for you to abide by. While understanding this will most likely not make your guilt go away, it can provide you with a perspective that can help you tolerate the guilt, allowing you to ride it out.
Keep in mind that you do not need to get rid of the guilt, even though it would be lovely if it did go away; it is possible to have the guilt and not do what it says. Imagine your guilt to be a toddler who is having a massive temper tantrum in the grocery store—you need to be like the savvy parent who holds the child’s hand and proceeds to continue with the shopping trip, wailing child in tow. Your guilt can act up, be strong, powerful, and horrible, but you do not need to do what it says, nor do you need to focus on it.
One last tip is that all emotions pass. Hang on to this fact when your guilt is really powerful, and feel free to engage in activities that produce other emotions, such as peace, calm, and empowerment.
Finally, due to the violence that has been in your relationship, I recommend that you discuss the details of your separation with a therapist—be it your individual therapist or your spouse’s therapist—and that your spouse’s therapist is kept informed. A trained therapist who knows the details of the situation and is actively working with your spouse can help him through the transition. While it is your responsibility is to treat your spouse with kindness, respect, and genuineness, it is not appropriate for you to sacrifice your safety or well-being in order to make the transition easy. All the best to you, and keep in mind that standing up against abuse is vital in order for healing to begin.
Kind regards,
Susanne
Susanne Dillmann
- 13 comments
- Leave a Comment
Laura Reid
June 1st, 2012 at 2:16 PMI had the most horrific, uncaring and horrible therapist who used shame and humilation to control me.
After four years, I have grown some balls and am tweeting my experience @BoothCampTherapy on Twitter.Dawn
June 2nd, 2012 at 4:22 AMI have been going through a similar but possible worse situation. Where did you get help?
Susanne Dillmann, Psy.D.
June 5th, 2012 at 3:40 PMHello Dawn,
Thank you for your courage in posting your comment. I hope you can tap into this reservoir of courage & strength to reach out and connect with a therapist, who can support you through this process and help you advocate for your safety.
One great place to look for a therapist is right here at Good Therapy.org – just search for a therapist by your zip code. If you do not have the funds or insurance for therapy and your spouse is struggling with the aftermath of war, know there is a wonderful organization called Give an Hour that is a referral site with info on therapists who offer free therapy to those who are struggling with the impact of war (just search Give an Hour).
Last but not least you can call 2-1-1 or go to their website and find information for women’s shelters in your area if you need to leave quickly.
Regardless of how you reach out for help, reach out – your life is valuable and you have a right to actively take care of yourself.
Leave a Comment
By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.
