I Want My Girlfriend to Take a Lover. What’s Wrong with Me?
Dear Unsatisfied,
Thank you for writing in and asking your question with such candor and openness. This is actually a much more common occurrence than is often realized. Freud famously remarked in his landmark book on dreams that sometimes conscious feelings and thoughts contained in one area of thought or activity can be a camouflage for a host of other unconscious feelings and desires. For instance, we’re frustrated with our kids or boss, and we take it out via honking at the driver who cuts us off. We feel unappreciated at home, so we strive harder for recognition at work. (These are very simple examples.)
I have found that sexuality often serves as a kind of “cover” for hard-to-articulate and/or unconscious desires or emotions that get expressed in our sexuality. One simple example of this is how our desire for emotional closeness and acknowledgement of our value becomes enwrapped in physical urges to be held, kissed, to give and receive affection, etc. Men especially seem to seek validation and expression of other emotional needs in sexuality, perhaps because vulnerable expression of emotions is not socially condoned. We haven’t found an acceptable way (yet) for men to express their feelings sensitively and still be masculine. To our detriment.
It’s a complicated issue you’re discussing, but the boiled-down version is that I would imagine your fantasy contains a number of different yearnings and emotional expressions. It’s interesting if you look at the specifics of your fantasy that basically you’re in control (by setting the terms of the relationship) of a scenario in which you have no control and are at the whim of your girlfriend’s desires and those of her outside partner(s). It would be interesting to explore (were I your therapist) what feelings and desires come up for you as you imagine these circumstances; do you feel special because your wife plays with others but comes home to you? Is there a tinge of self-punishment, a kind of eroticized denial which you remain the “author of” as the creator of the fantasy? Is there a sense of degrading yourself, or her, in that you are in a way persuading her to sleep with others? What is pleasurable here, or is there pleasure in the unpleasant?
Some psychologists believe that sexual fantasies are a way of making earlier trauma more “palatable,” a retelling or taking control of a painful previous trauma; those who suffered neglect or mistreatment may end up involved in imagined or actual S&M scenarios. Along these lines, there may possibly be pleasure in creating a sexual version of a scenario that was or is unconsciously quite painful. As the creator, you take control of the situation and the (possible) trauma expresses itself in a more palatable sexual way rather than as a painful memory. (This is all speculative of course, just patterns I have observed over the years. A man who feels underfed emotionally by his wife may fantasize about big breasts.)
My take on fantasies is that there is no problem with any of this, since no one can predict how the clever and resourceful psyche resolves conflicts via sexual expression. Where it can become problematic is if a rigidity or fixation enters in—i.e., someone who can only get turned on by being physically hurt, or by spanking their partner, or watching pornography or having two partners, etc. The problem, then, in my view (and this is only my view), is that it begins to limit our spontaneity and creativity in the actual relationship. It’s a must rather than a maybe, limiting possibility. Part of the dance of intimacy is the give and take of ideas between partners, the blend of two minds exchanging wishes, finding mutual expression. If a fantasy becomes a must rather than a what-if, it starts to take on a heaviness and an imposition and can obscure the vulnerability that expansive relationships require—and where, by the way, our desires change. Shorter version: Would enacting the scenario bring you two closer or drive you apart, and what is the ultimate priority? Only the two of you can answer, though I think that any insisting on sexual fulfillment as the ultimate aim has real potential to rigidify the transaction between you two.
When I work with clients on these kinds of issues, I first need to assess if they want to try and literally fulfill the fantasy, or explore what the fantasy might mean or symbolize to the person. I also look at the potential outcomes of acting it out. Also beware of one thing: Folks who act out role-specific fantasies are almost always disappointed. Sexual anticipation is hard to out-do. After the initial rush of excitement ebbs, as it must, it could become a compulsion to find a more “satisfying” version of the fantasy, something a little more risky, edgy and exciting—again, more of a demand than a want.
I find nothing at all morally wrong with your fantasy. It is entirely your choice, and you sound like two consenting adults. I just encourage you to think about consequences before proceeding, and try also to understand why your erection depends on this scenario. You want to fit your fantasy into your life rather than the other way around. Consider: Might your girlfriend end up resenting doing it? Might you feel disappointed if she doesn’t put her heart into it, or if you end up not liking it as much but she does and she wants to keep going? Would you be able to really “preserve what you have” with such an outcome? You may feel it’s worth it, but something tells me your psyche is trying to express something akin to a dream, which I bet would bear fruit were you to examine it and play with its possible meanings rather than literally carrying it out. If you choose the latter, I would just encourage you to do so with eyes open, given the ever-present possibility of unintended consequences.
Sincerely,
Darren
Darren Haber
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jermaine t
January 18th, 2013 at 3:08 PMSay what?! Dude you are crazy. I wouldn’t ever let my girl take on another lover.
Call me weird, but what if she likes it with him more than she does me? Where does that leave me?
Out in the cold, I can tell you that.
My suggestion is to either get this relationship back on track or end it and find someone, one person that can satisfy you.nathan
January 18th, 2013 at 11:54 PMfantasy is all good my friend.even talking about it is okay if she is comfortable.but acting on it – that is where you need to be cautious. there is absolutely no doubt that bringing in another man will change your relationship. both for you and your girlfriend. you may say you will be okay with it but the emotional aspects that will come into play if you do end up acting on your fantasies are unavoidable. there will be a shift in your relationship and chances are – they will not be positive. take some time out and think of the consequences before you actually jump into something.
Garrison Haynes
January 19th, 2013 at 4:22 AMWhat I really think is that this relationship is just not satisfying to you anymore on a sexual level. This might mean that you need to try some new things in the bedroom or it could mean that you need to find someone new. But what I do know for sure is that you need to find some answers for both you and your girlfriend. Have you talked to her about any of this? Does she see this as a problem? I think that this could be a great opportunity for the two of you to really open up some lines of communication with one another and try to make something great out of what is so obviously stagnant to you. But I am not sure that this is going to lead to only healthy endings for you. I see a lot of conflict within you that needs to be resolved and I think that this is something that is going to take a very long time for you to deal with.
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