Is It Right to Expect More Affection from My Boyfriend?

My boyfriend and I are on somewhat different pages when it comes to physical affection. He grew up in a home without much hugging or verbalized love, whereas I grew up in a home full of kissing, hugging, hand-holding, and where "I love you" was said often. Thus, I often seek a lot of physical affection from my partner, and he does a great job of fulfilling that need. Though he never pushes me away or shies away from my constant contact, or belittles my needs in any way, I still wish he would initiate this kind of affection more often, rather than always following my lead. I've noticed that the few times we get into arguments or if I am upset about something—since I tend to internalize things, withdraw, and become quiet—he will be much more proactive with compliments, hugs, and affection. I have verbalized to him that I feel like this almost reinforces my sour moods—like I need to be sad to get the affection I crave. I feel like such a terrible person for wanting more and more out of him, when I should be happy with the fact I have a loving partner, but I can't stop the nagging thought of needing to be miserable to get my (admittedly lofty) needs met. Am I wrong to ask for more when what I have is already great? —More for Me
Dear More for Me,

First of all, I want to commend you on the great job you have done reflecting on and understanding your feelings around this issue, and on sharing them with your partner. It sounds like you two are able to communicate openly and honestly with one another even when it is not easy. I would encourage you to continue the conversation; keeping the lines of communication open will help each of you to get your needs met in the relationship.

Speaking of needs, I’m wondering if there is anything that your boyfriend feels is lacking in the relationship. It’s possible that he is perfectly satisfied by the relationship. However, there might be something he would like that he is not getting, or something he would like more of. If this is the case, it means there are things you can both be doing to nourish your relationship. If there is something he is seeking and you look for opportunities to provide that for him, he might not only feel even more loved, but also look for opportunities to make you feel loved by initiating that physical and verbal affection you are seeking. It could become a very positive cycle that allows you to deepen your connection to one another.

I’m also wondering about the other relationships in your life now—family, friends, colleagues, etc. What needs do these relationships fill? I raise the issue because our intimate relationships are so central in our lives that it can be easy to fall into the trap of expecting our partners to fill all of our needs. It is not possible for any one person to satisfy all of another person’s needs. So, if this is the expectation, even the best of relationships will surely miss the mark and leave us feeling disappointed.

Your level of self-awareness and your ability to speak candidly with your partner is so important. It was brave of you to acknowledge and discuss the connection you have made between your sour mood and your partner’s affection. This is definitely something you want to work through before it goes on too long. I doubt you want to have to be in a bad mood every time you want a little affection from your partner. Plus, while it is working now, your partner might grow to feel manipulated by it and ultimately become resentful. This is something you want to nip in the bud!

As I’ve said, the insight and communication here seems really strong, so keep talking to each other and working on this. If it seems like you are getting stuck, consider reaching out to a couples therapist to get some assistance with moving the conversation forward. Best wishes on your journey together.

Respectfully,
Sarah

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.
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  • kendall k

    March 21st, 2014 at 11:36 AM

    you need what you need and want what you want out of a relationship… what’s wrong with knowing what those things are and wanting to have that? I am not saying that you will always get it but it doesn’t mean that you have to stop having those things just because your boyfriend doesn’t know how to express his feelings this way… you just have to show him that this is what you need and he will come around if he sees that this is something that is important to you

    Reply

  • Jake

    March 21st, 2014 at 1:27 PM

    My only concern here is that if you press for too much too fast, don’t you think that this could potentially push him away? You have to ask if this is what you want or if you are willing to accept this if it happens.

    Reply

  • Tamara

    March 22nd, 2014 at 6:20 AM

    I don’t think that it is wrong to Want more affection, but maybe it is worng to Expect it.
    You get what I’m sayn?
    Those are two totally different things

    Reply
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