Is It So Wrong That I Don’t Care About My Husband’s Affair?
Dear No Big Whoop,
I think you hit on an essential element of your situation—it seems to be working for you. It’s very easy to get caught up in “shoulds” and external expectations and lose sight of the fact you and your partner may choose to create a satisfying life together that might seem unconventional to others. It matters less that you are a great feminist in the abstract, and more that you are feeling satisfied with the relationships in your life.
That said, I do wonder about your hesitation to talk openly about it with him. The fact you are worried about the “hassle” and “emotional toll” of talking about it says to me that perhaps something is not quite working for you. Right now, the affair is a “secret,” and keeping big secrets tends to undermine relationships rather than foster healthy, stable ones. It may work in the short term, but think about how much energy is going into each of you pretending the affair is not happening. That is hard work! At some point, one or both of you may just get too tired to maintain the pretense. Eventually, secrets tend to come out. What might happen if your husband were to discover months from now that you knew all along? What are you afraid might happen if you were to talk about it now? What do you fear you might lose? What might there be to gain? You may want to consider talking with a therapist to explore your fears and hesitation, and also to take an affirmative look at what you do want from your relationships and your life as you move forward.
You mention two positive elements of this affair—you get some alone time that you enjoy, and your husband has been more attentive and caring. It seems like that may be a place to start as you consider what it is that you want. If you are honest with yourself about what you want and need, then you will have the information you need to make the best decisions you can. Since you cannot control how your husband responds or what steps he chooses to take, all you can do is try to make decisions that feel right to you.
Best of luck,
Erika
Erika Myers
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Cynthia
June 14th, 2013 at 12:37 PMMy opinion is that if this feels right for you, then it is the relationship that is totally wrong for you. Why waste this much of your time with someone who in the end you really don’t care all that much to be with?
Chris
June 14th, 2013 at 1:20 PMGood answer. Definitely a tricky question. In theory and in a best case scenario, nobody would ever have an affair. But I’ve seen odder situations work for couples.
In this life, to every rule — EVERY rule — there is an exception.
I wouldn’t want to live this way but I am not living the questioner’s life.
TP
June 14th, 2013 at 11:46 PMNot something I would just let slide! to think you are okay with the affair means your relationship is not healthy. that you marriage is not healthy. maybe you should try to put a little spark back in your marriage and then see if you really are okay with the affair. it can be wonderful to have someone who cares for you and understands you, that is a partner, that is someone who makes us feel good. it is clear that your husband no more occupies the role of your partner if you are okay with him having an affair.put him back there and see how that will suddenly not be okay with you!
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