It Was Only Flirting, but Now My Husband Doesn’t Trust Me

July 17, 2015

My husband and I have been married for some time now, and he has had trust issues from the start. It was never anything I did, but I think he was so hurt in his previous relationship that he has a hard time trusting women. Well, recently a new coworker has been showing me attention and saying nice things to me. I, of course, am flattered and like the attention. We did flirt a little, but I never had any intention to start anything, and neither did he; he never even implied it. One day I was sending texts to a friend about the guy at work, venting, and I didn't remember that my texts are linked to my iPad. My husband read them and went into a rage. Rightfully so, he was upset. I understand what I did was wrong. He had every right to be angry, and I didn't try to take that from him. I apologized over and over again, begging for his forgiveness. Two weeks have passed now, and he still treats me as if I had an affair and basically makes me feel like I should have a scarlet letter branded into me. I do love my husband very much, and I never wanted to hurt him. I have tried to make it up to him, and just when I think we are moving forward, he takes two steps back and we are arguing all over again. What can I do to gain his trust back and believe me when I say nothing was going on and nothing was going to happen? —Unforgiven

With the intensity of the feelings you and your husband are experiencing, I imagine two weeks feels like a long time. In reality, and especially considering your husband’s preexisting trust issues, two weeks is a small blip on the radar. My sense is that it is going to take quite a bit more time and work to come back from this.

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Because it has only been a couple of weeks—and it does sound like there has been some progress made—it seems possible that you two might be able to work this through on your own. However, because trust has always been somewhat of an issue for your husband, it might be valuable to consider partnering with a couples therapist. Couples therapists are trained and experienced in working through issues very similar to the one you and your husband are experiencing.

Trust is not a static quality in relationships; it ebbs and flows throughout the course of a relationship based on personal insecurities, jealousy, life changes, actions that breach trust, and many other things. When the trust levels in a relationship are low, it is important for couples to acknowledge this and work on it. While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

While fluctuations in trust are normal, unaddressed trust issues are a recipe for disaster.

It sounds like you are acknowledging the validity of your husband’s feelings and accepting your role in the situation. This, along with patience and a willingness to continue to work on healing—again, ideally with a therapist—is really all you can do. Hopefully, your husband will also be willing to commit to the process of healing from this experience, as well as a deeper exploration of the trust issues he seems to have brought into your marriage. Getting to the root of his trust issues is an important part of your path forward together, and until you do that, continuing to have compassion for your husband and the pain of his past betrayal is important.

It sounds like recovering from this is going to be a longer and more painful process than you were expecting. While I can’t make any guarantees about outcomes, this could end up leading you and your husband to much deeper trust and greater intimacy.

Respectfully,

Sarah

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