I’ve Stolen, I’ve Lied, and I Want My Wife Back. Help!
Dear Hurting Hubby,
You write that you have lied, stolen, and pawned jewelry from family, and used that money to buy alcohol. You were seemingly out of control, but you weren’t really—you made choices, choices that had devastating consequences. Instead of showing your wife your best self, you showed her your worst. The only thing you didn’t do is cheat on her, although you lied about that, too, and told her that in fact you had been adulterous. The appearance of cheating was the last straw for your wife and finally broke your marriage. Did you know that might happen? How did you want and expect her to react? Why did you say you did something you didn’t do?
These are important questions that probably have complicated answers. A good therapist can help you unravel the mysteries of why you did what you did. That deeper exploration and understanding of yourself is key to keeping such behavior from happening again. In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.
You have been together for 13 years and have two children, so there’s clearly a loving foundation somewhere underneath all the noise; you say you “really love” your wife and “want her back.” You have just begun seeing a counselor (good idea) and have started running (another good idea), but your wife says you should work on the marriage, not on yourself. She’s partly right and she’s partly wrong. Working on yourself is part of working on your marriage, but another part would be to earn back her trust, which—if it comes to pass—will take time and a lot of effort on your part.
In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.
Part of that process is showing her your best self, and not just for a day or two at a time. I think seeing your pastor twice a week, seeing a psychiatrist, going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, being in therapy, and taking medication to help with your anxiety are steps to revealing the good parts of who you are, both to yourself and to your wife. Don’t underestimate what you’re doing; you are moving in the right direction, no matter what direction your wife is going.
You write that you and your wife had “amazing sex” before she kicked you out again. Don’t overestimate what that means. Maybe that’s a sign that the fire between you two isn’t out, but it could also be a sign that you both missed the intimate connection you had, were in the right mood, and made the most of the moment. Good sex can be a part of a good marriage, but a good marriage is mostly about the less sexy moments between those moments.
You describe yourself, your mistakes, and your perceived faults, but you say little about your wife. I wonder what she is like. It takes two to make a good marriage, just as it takes two to fight and make a troubled relationship. I’m sorry that so far she has resisted going to counseling with you, and I hope that in the future she changes her mind. Marriage is a joint effort, and I hope you can convince her of that while continuing to work on yourself and work toward being more worthy of her trust. Seeing a marriage counselor together would help you both deal with the strong feelings of fear, anger, and resentment that are characterizing your relationship, particularly from her vantage point. Even if she won’t go, though, I hope you continue to do so, as therapy will help give you the tools to be a more responsible father, partner, and person.
I wish you both the best for your future.
Kind regards,
Lynn
Lynn Somerstein
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Nine
May 1st, 2015 at 7:09 PMMy husband of 18 year and I mediated our divorce 3 years ago, both crying and holding hands. We both said we loved each other when I took him to the airport to fly to Europe where he moved since. I felt devastated, lost in a city where I had moved to for him and had no real close friendships. Throughout the last 6 years of our marriage, I had gone to workshops and counseling. The few times he did, I did not feel the truth came out. After having described many situations I experienced at home with my husband, one professional counselor was convinced he had all the signs of being bi-polar, narcissist, perhaps even mildly schizophrenic…something he once said his mother had, but that he denied later he ever said. Whatever the case may be, our life together was bittersweet, fraught with friendship moments and crazy-making times that had me write facts as they occurred to be sure I wasn’t imagining things. I have no issue going to counseling, I want to grow and be a healthy individual. He, on the other hand, won’t own to the hurtful things he’s done, saying I think of the past and won’t forgive which is not true—I forgive, I just don’t want the violence to repeat. He’d like us to be back together…that I come and visit him in Europe…but when he left, I was left alone to support myself…have been applying for jobs since and just got hired for training in a new job…He takes my choice to work to support myself as a rejection of him, which it is not. What issues do I, we, he need focus on? Whom could we see who could help him confront what he does not own up to? Am I “living in the past” because I need him to own up to what he’s done and reassure me I can trust him? Whom could help us move forward together or apart? We both value marriage, 18 years of marriage means a lot, but I need to know I can trust him, that I can feel safe around him, etc…A penny for your thoughts? Thank you in advance.
Another 9
May 13th, 2015 at 7:28 AMNine, your marriage sounds a lot like mine…. A roller coaster, with great highs as long as you’re bending to his needs, and valleys of bewildered hurt, rejection, abandonment, and anger when your similar needs are met with criticism, attack and turning it around to make him the victim of your “unreasonable demands” so little by little, you find yourself making sacrifice after sacrifice and getting mixed responses…. Enough affection and words of affirmation and hope for you to believe that the sacrifice is worth it, only to have the actions not back it up…to be let down again. One day you wake up to find you’re just a shell of the person you once were, having set down all of your dreams and goals to support his, and then, the “affection” starts to feel like a demand….why aren’t you paying more attention to him? Don’t you want to BE with him? And he starts to feel rejected, and on the one hand that makes you mad (Seriously?!? You think to yourself), and on the other hand, you are ok with the conflict because it confirms that you’re dealing with his unhealthy places, and though its conflict, at least you’re not covering it up, and pretending that the rationalization of how you ended up here makes it ok….that your pain can be diminished and stuffed. You also don’t want to push him too far away for fear that he’ll actually go…. Confirming a rejection of you… And making your sacrifices for the marriage utterly in vain. We’re still married, but I feel like I’m living in a life that’s only partly real, and watching it crumble around me. I THINK there is more good to be saved by making our marriage work (3 kids, 15 years, and I’ve given up several jobs and career paths for him, so quality of life would be way different without his income supporting me). We used to really enjoy our time together, and there are many things I appreciate about him, and it’s so strange because he hasn’t done the typical things like cheat etc,
But he has lied (sometimes without intending to…) enough that I don’t trust him. I totally trust him to pay the bills, but not to support me if I had a goal I was working towards, or that it realt WAS ok with him that we go to one restaurant instead of another….make sense? It’s all the little stuff…. It’s so strange… Compensatory narcisism. Meanwhile… I don’t know what to do…. In the depths of the lowest depression of my life. I really love everything about my life except my husband actually in it. We argue because I don’t trust him and I’m hurt and resentful, and I’d be perfectly ok if he didn’t come home –
One less person to take care of, cater to… And feel bad because I’m more distant with him. At least when he’s not here, I can pursue things that are enjoyable… Like art and building, crafts & sewing… Creative therapy since I’ e given up my jobs. Lately, I don’t even want to do those things. Depression. I am better when he’s acknowledging the pain he’s caused me, and working to “make up” for it… But I’m afraid it’s too little too late, and the amount of work he has to do to regain my trust and intimacy will take so much time and effort that he’ll be discouraged and stop trying. I don’t want him to stop trying,
To stop loving me (huge rejection that would be, again making sacrifices
For nothing.) but right now,
Even though he’s gotten some counseling, and taken some steps towards health, there have been backslides and he hasn’t been totally honest with his therapist, and I am afraid to hope for a good outcome and be let down again… So while he feels like he’a trying really hard, I’m still dealing with hurt and anger and resentment… Living in the bed he made. So… For now, status quo seems safer. He’s a great dad, doesn’t swear at me or anything obviously abusive, he pays the bills… And I say to myself….it’s not THAT bad…. But at the same time, when your spouse of 15 years doesn’t know how to be a partner, to comfort you when you’re sad, to be supportive when you’re excited, and has trained you to not need him…. It leaves me feeling empty with a broken heart he cries and says he feels horrible about then turns around and does or says something else totally insensitive, diminishing your pain, and you wonder – omg.. He SO doesn’t even get it. I’m just at a loss… So I cry, pick myself up and figure out how to make it through today without having any expectations, protecting my heart, and yet not letting him know I have no expectations because that hurts his feelings/makes him mad/feel like I don’t believe in him (i don’t much really…but he used to come through way more, and every now and then still does). I’m just going through the motions…… My kids are the glue. I’ve even given up church and being in ministry b/c i was tired of fighting with him about it….. So we don’t go… As soon as I stopped pressing the gas for him to do things that mattered to me….he stops… I’m out of gas.Lynn Somerstein
May 3rd, 2015 at 4:04 PMDear Nine,
I don’t know if you’re living in the past, but I do know that you are living in a present which includes job training that you hope will lead to a better ability to take care of yourself. Once you learn to care for yourself you will be better able to choose and care for others.
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