I’ve Stolen, I’ve Lied, and I Want My Wife Back. Help!

I have been married for 11 years and with my wife for 13. We have two children together. I have been horrible to my wife. I have lied about pretty much everything. I have stolen money and rings from family members and sold them for money so I can buy alcohol. I even pawned my wedding ring to get money. I used to look at porn. In January, after being confronted by my wife, I told her everything. However, after being pressed for more truths, for some reason I told my wife that I cheated on her nine years ago. She then kicked me out. The bad thing is I really didn't. Now, obviously and understandably, she doesn't believe that I didn't. I have since seen a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and alcoholism. I go to AA meetings, take anxiety medicine, and see my pastor two times a week to talk. I really love her and want her back. She won't even talk to me yet. All she says is "admit to the affair and we'll work things out." I told her I can't lie anymore. Last weekend, we ended up sleeping together and having amazing sex. Then the next morning, she told me to leave again. Now she is back to asking me to admit I cheated on her. I have also started running, which my wife says is stupid and I should work on my marriage, not myself. I just started seeing a counselor this week. However, she won't go. Any ideas what to do? Thanks! —Hurting Hubby

You write that you have lied, stolen, and pawned jewelry from family, and used that money to buy alcohol. You were seemingly out of control, but you weren’t really—you made choices, choices that had devastating consequences. Instead of showing your wife your best self, you showed her your worst. The only thing you didn’t do is cheat on her, although you lied about that, too, and told her that in fact you had been adulterous. The appearance of cheating was the last straw for your wife and finally broke your marriage. Did you know that might happen? How did you want and expect her to react? Why did you say you did something you didn’t do?

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These are important questions that probably have complicated answers. A good therapist can help you unravel the mysteries of why you did what you did. That deeper exploration and understanding of yourself is key to keeping such behavior from happening again. In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

You have been together for 13 years and have two children, so there’s clearly a loving foundation somewhere underneath all the noise; you say you “really love” your wife and “want her back.” You have just begun seeing a counselor (good idea) and have started running (another good idea), but your wife says you should work on the marriage, not on yourself. She’s partly right and she’s partly wrong. Working on yourself is part of working on your marriage, but another part would be to earn back her trust, which—if it comes to pass—will take time and a lot of effort on your part.

In your letter, at least, you seem to be taking some ownership of your actions, and that’s a good first step toward healing. It’s far from the only step you’ll need to take toward preserving your marriage, however.

 

Part of that process is showing her your best self, and not just for a day or two at a time. I think seeing your pastor twice a week, seeing a psychiatrist, going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, being in therapy, and taking medication to help with your anxiety are steps to revealing the good parts of who you are, both to yourself and to your wife. Don’t underestimate what you’re doing; you are moving in the right direction, no matter what direction your wife is going.

You write that you and your wife had “amazing sex” before she kicked you out again. Don’t overestimate what that means. Maybe that’s a sign that the fire between you two isn’t out, but it could also be a sign that you both missed the intimate connection you had, were in the right mood, and made the most of the moment. Good sex can be a part of a good marriage, but a good marriage is mostly about the less sexy moments between those moments.

You describe yourself, your mistakes, and your perceived faults, but you say little about your wife. I wonder what she is like. It takes two to make a good marriage, just as it takes two to fight and make a troubled relationship. I’m sorry that so far she has resisted going to counseling with you, and I hope that in the future she changes her mind. Marriage is a joint effort, and I hope you can convince her of that while continuing to work on yourself and work toward being more worthy of her trust. Seeing a marriage counselor together would help you both deal with the strong feelings of fear, anger, and resentment that are characterizing your relationship, particularly from her vantage point. Even if she won’t go, though, I hope you continue to do so, as therapy will help give you the tools to be a more responsible father, partner, and person.

I wish you both the best for your future.

Kind regards,

Lynn

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