Marriage Seems Scary and Risky. What If It’s Not for Me?

August 2, 2013

Hello. My parents got divorced when I was 13. I am 31 now. I seem to jump from relationship to relationship every few years, basically pulling away from my partner when the expectation of marriage begins to materialize. I'm fine with long-term commitments, or one lifelong commitment, but marriage scares me to death. I'm sure that my own parents' situation is responsible for some of my fear of commitment, but I just don't know how to get past that. All of my friends are getting married, my partners inevitably want to get hitched ... but I can't seem to get there. In the back of my mind, I'm picturing a messy settlement, half of everything I own (or more!) going to another person, custody battles, not being able to trust a woman again, friends taking sides, etc. I could see myself staying with one person forever, but I hate having the mess of divorce hanging like a cloud over that commitment. If only my partners felt the same way, but I haven't found one who does. I mean, more than half of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce, or so I read. Not getting married just seems wise to me. Is that wrong? Am I doomed to a life alone because I'm not willing to take the so-called plunge and risk it all? —Noncommittal

It is hard to be fully invested in a relationship if you’re already thinking about the messy ending. You are right about the statistics—many marriages do end. There are no guarantees. I do know that very few people go into a marriage with the intention of getting a divorce. Marriage is a leap of faith. It seems pretty clear that you are not ready to make that leap right now—and that’s OK. It’s good to know that is where you are.

What I think is interesting is that you say that you are fine with long-term commitments or even one life-long commitment. I’d be curious to know more about why that feels safer to you than marriage. The “split” rates for relationships are higher than for marriages. There are even fewer guarantees in “nonbinding” (for lack of a better term) relationships. The risks of not being able to trust, of being hurt, of friends taking sides are just as high. If you were to have children with a lifelong partner outside of marriage, custody issues would still be present; they would just look slightly different. You’d still have to figure out dividing up shared stuff (possibly even your home). There are even fewer guarantees in this kind of relationship, yet something about not being legally bound to another person seems less risky to you.

I wonder if the issue may not actually be the act of marriage, but the level of trust required to risk committing yourself fully to another person. It is not unusual for children of divorce to struggle with that trust. They experienced firsthand how marriages can end. It can profoundly impact their feelings of safety and security and limit their willingness to trust in others. You say that, right now, it feels like you have to choose between a very scary “risk-it-all” approach or be doomed to a life alone. There is definitely a middle ground which can allow you meaningful relationships without such high levels of fear. I strongly encourage you to explore these feelings with a therapist in your area.

Best of luck,

Erika

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