Mom’s Leaving Me with Hurt, Guilt, Resentment, and Anger

I am 21 years old and a senior in college, yet I feel that I have been taking care of my mom for the past 11 months. In January, my sister left home and never returned and refuses to speak to my mom. My mom, obviously upset, started leaning on me for support, which I was happy to give because she's my mom and I believed she would do the same for me. However, she became increasingly depressed and paranoid, threatening to commit suicide, not answering my calls for days at a time with no explanation, and believes that I will abandon her one day in the future too. I reassured her time and time again that I would never leave her, but it seems to be a constant source of worry. Eventually, this took a toll on our own relationship, and I started to feel resentment toward her—how dare she accuse me of such an act after I woke up in the middle of the night multiple times to console her while she cries, or helped to track my sister down when my mom needed to know her whereabouts! She has told me numerous times that she feels like she lost a daughter, and that her efforts to make a "perfect family" have failed miserably. Eventually, my mom started nitpicking on my own life and decisions since I was the only one she felt attached to (my dad is very distant from all this). She reads all of my bank statements and will not let me spend any of the money I earn from my own jobs. Obviously, this has become yet another source of conflict between us, and I eventually started withholding information from her and sometimes lying because I found that I have neither the time nor the energy to inform her of my every move and deal with her reactions. However, as predicted, the truth always comes out, and that is exactly what happened recently. After a stint of silence from my mom, she emailed me and said she is leaving the family and does not want to see anyone, and that "good people who care about others never lie" and that I would never change my "lying ways." She had apparently been thinking about leaving for a while but didn't know "when the best time would be to tell me." I feel hurt, helpless, confused, and guilty. I am hurt because I feel like all of the time and energy I have put into helping her cope these past 11 months has been a waste, since she was planning on leaving anyway. I feel guilty because I feel that my lies have driven her to abandon the family. However, these feelings war with the resentment and fury I feel toward her. I am furious with her for accusing me of not caring about her when, ESPECIALLY these past 11 months, I have put my own life on hold to help her whenever she needed me. I am also so upset at the fact I spend all my time reassuring her that I will never leave, when in reality she is the one walking out on me. Please help me to accept the fact she is leaving and help me to move on with my life. I still have school and two jobs, and I don't understand how I'm going to be able to handle these three things. Thank you! —Guilty and Alone
Dear Guilty and Alone,

First, I want to tell you that you are absolutely entitled to all of your feelings—even the ones that seem to contradict each other. Relationships are very complex; there is room for many different emotions. You may be able to achieve a little bit of peace if you give yourself permission to end the war between hurt, helplessness, confusion, guilt, resentment, and fury. You don’t have to choose; you can have them all.

From what you have written about your mother, it seems like she is in considerable pain and struggling with a lot of her own issues. It is very possible that her intensely protective behavior toward you is indicative of her own deep wounds. She may be trying to protect you from sustaining the wounds that she has experienced in her own life. In other words, her behavior is not about you, but rather her own suffering. Sometimes realizing this, and constantly reminding yourself of it, can go a long way toward not taking her behavior personally.

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Her behavior is clearly taking a toll on her, you, your relationship with her, and probably many other relationships in her life—remember, this is about her, not you, so it certainly impacts her relationships with others. It sounds like she could really benefit from being in therapy, if she isn’t already. You may wish to encourage her to pursue this. That said, at the end of the day, your mom has to make her own choice about whether to get help. While you can suggest it, encourage it, and even offer to help her find it, you can’t make her do it.

In fact, the only thing you do have control over is your behavior. It sounds like your mom is behaving in some pretty self-destructive ways and she is really hurting you. While it can be tempting to try to find ways to control her—to make her get help, to make her see that you have sacrificed so much to be there for her, to make her know that she is loved—you simply cannot. Your mom is the only person in the world who can control what she does. Likewise, you can control what you do. So, it is probably time to shift the focus to yourself. Partnering with your own therapist to work through the hurt and pain, which likely lurks beneath the fury, can help you stop personalizing your mom’s behavior and develop more productive ways of coping.

In addition to therapy, I would suggest being compassionate and patient with yourself, and doing all that you can to make yourself as comfortable as possible. It can be very painful to have a parent like this. Everyone deserves to have a consistently loving, nurturing mom who makes them feel safe. While your mom was unable to provide this for you, maybe part of your healing will be learning how to provide it for yourself. Try to take good care of yourself—eat well, exercise, and get a good amount of sleep. Seek out friends and family members who you trust and feel safe with to support you. You’ve been so focused on your mom for so long, it’s time to keep the focus on you and your needs.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.
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  • Owen

    February 20th, 2015 at 10:42 AM

    Sadly this all sounds so toxic. You were only doing what you felt like you had to do to protect yourself.

    Reply

  • nellie

    February 21st, 2015 at 9:31 AM

    It could be that she is doing all of this for attention, even if it is negative attention, because that is the only way that she thinks that you will be around her anymore.
    If you don’t think that she is in any danger then I think it would probably be for the best to give her some space right now, see if she is willing to hold up her end of the stick.
    If I had to put money on it I would say that eventually she will come back and will try to reestablish a relationship again, and at that point you will have to decide if that is what would be in your best interest

    Reply

  • Noel

    February 23rd, 2015 at 4:21 PM

    It’s almost as if the two of you have now flip flopped with the feelings

    Reply
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