My Best Friend Keeps Distracting Me from Work. Help!
Dear Annoyed,
You sound deeply frustrated, and understandably so. You’re feeling pulled between a very important friendship and your educational/professional goals. That is a very tough spot to be in.
I’m curious to know if you have tried to talk to your friend about this. It seems to me that maybe you have not, since you indicated that you “don’t want to mean and tell her to knock it off.” If you haven’t yet spoken to her, I would encourage you to think about doing so. It isn’t “mean” to let a friend know what you need. Consider what you might want if the roles were reversed. If your behavior was making it difficult, or even impossible, for your friend to achieve something that was important to her, wouldn’t you want to know? You wouldn’t want to hinder the pursuit of her goals, would you? And if she was courageous enough to be honest with you, I imagine you would adjust your behavior and support her efforts.
Let her know how much you value her friendship and explain that, because you value it so much, you need to be honest about something that has been troubling you. Your assurance that she is important and valued might mitigate any rejection she feels after being asked to back off a little. Hopefully, she will respond by hearing you out and adjusting her behavior to be more supportive of your goals. Your requests are reasonable and appropriate. The worst-case scenario is that she doesn’t understand where you are coming from, takes your request very personally, and chooses to end the friendship. If your very reasonable request evokes such an unreasonable response, it might be time to question the quality of the friendship. If you can’t ask your best friend for support in achieving your goals, then how strong is the friendship? You probably know her well enough to predict how likely this worst-case scenario is.
You might also want to ask yourself why her needs seem to be more important than yours. Is this something that comes up often in your relationships? Do you have a tendency to put the needs, desires, and feelings of others over your own? Is this behavior detrimental to you? If you answered yes to those questions, it might be a good idea to work with a therapist on these issues. It’s possible that an underestimation of your self-worth might be impacting many areas of your life, and a therapist could be invaluable in helping you sort these things out.
Gathering the courage to talk to your friend and/or find your own therapist might take some time, and it seems like you might need some tangible solutions right now. From your brief note, I’m not clear on whether your work is academic or professional, or whether you work in an office or elsewhere. Either way, it might be useful to find some other location to do your work. For example, if this is happening in a college dorm room, try going to the library or a study lounge to do most of your work, and make plans to meet up with your friend after you finish working. If this is happening in a work setting, try working in a conference room or putting some headphones on at your desk to discourage chit-chat. You can still plan to have lunch together or spend some time together after work.
Finding a balance between work and relationships is a challenging task, but it is one that most of us have to deal with at various points in our lives. While this situation may be a bit overwhelming at the moment, it is also an opportunity for you to figure out what strategies work best for you in attaining this balance. You can add what works to your toolbox for the future and toss strategies that don’t work.
All the best,
Sarah
Sarah Noel
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Simone
April 26th, 2013 at 3:27 PMHave you thought about the fact that maybe she does this to you because you let her, that this is a passive aggressive way that you have to not do your work? I don’t know, just a thought, but my thoughts are that if she is a good friend that she will understand if you talked to her about your concerns and she will truly knock it off If not then you might have to be a little more careful screening your phone calls! This is definitely not something that you would want to lose your job over is it?
shayne
April 27th, 2013 at 12:26 AMa very similar thing happened to me when I started off my career.this friend of mine with no job would always want to hand out and what not but my work didn’t allow me to do that.and although I did try and stick with him as much as I could it was obviously not possible to keep doing, because of my job.then when I spoke to him about it,he just stopped talking to me.it was sad but a revelation at least.he was not being a good friend and frankly I dont even need such a ‘friend’ who only thinks of himself and all the time.
Lila
April 27th, 2013 at 5:42 AMThis might be an extreme case but I really think that it would be to your benefit to establish some clear cut boundaried for your friend or tell her that the two of you will have to cool off for a while.
You may have to tell her that you do enjoy being with her but it can only be at certain times of the day, or make plans to meet after work a few days a week. But other than that it sounds like this person has to grow up and know that you have your own adult responsibilities that you need to tend to.
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