My Boyfriend Has Kids, I Don’t. Should I Stay?

My boyfriend already has three children. I have none. Should I continue dating him? I'm 26 years old. I can't seem to accept the fact he's already experienced having a family. I truly care for him, but I'm struggling. - Torn
Dear Torn,

Thank you for writing in with such a rich and complex question. Unfortunately, I can’t give you a simple yes-or-no answer. As is often true with relationships, it is a bit more complicated than that. I can, however, suggest some areas for you to explore as you consider your next steps.

First, I would encourage you to explore why you are having such difficulty accepting the fact your boyfriend already has children. This would give many people pause. Relationships can be quite complicated when only two people are involved—each person brings his or her own unique goals, dreams, and expectations, as well as wounds from previous relationships. Negotiating all of this can be challenging. Add three children and their mother to the mix and things can get very complicated, very quickly. But the question for you is, how are you experiencing this? How do you feel about his children? Do you get along well with them or is there a lot of tension between you? Are you concerned about whether your boyfriend will want to have children with you, given he already has three of his own? If he does want to have children with you, are you worried that it won’t mean as much to him as it does to you, as a first-time parent? Are you interested in being a mother at all? Did you envision motherhood coming later in your life? What will your role with his three children be and what are your thoughts and feelings on that role? Sit with these questions, allow others to arise, and be brutally honest with yourself in answering them. It might be a good idea to partner with a therapist who can facilitate a thorough exploration of these issues and support you in the process.

Once you have gained greater clarity on your thoughts, feelings, and concerns about the fact your boyfriend is already a father, it seems that the next step is to talk to him. Share with him what arose for you in your exploration of this very serious issue. If you do choose to stay in this relationship, it will be essential to be able to have difficult conversations with him about his children and how you feel about them, and about how they impact your relationship. If you don’t choose to stay in the relationship, you will likely need to have another kind of difficult conversation about why you are leaving the relationship. A therapist could be very valuable in helping you prepare for these conversations and in processing the outcomes.

Thank you again for writing in with a question that surely resonates with many. I wish you courage in the process of sorting this out and peace with whatever choice you make.

Kind regards,
Sarah

Sarah Noel, MS, LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist living and working in Brooklyn, New York. She specializes in working with people who are struggling through depression, anxiety, trauma, and major life transitions. She approaches her work from a person-centered perspective, always acknowledging the people she works with as experts on themselves. She is honored and humbled on a daily basis to be able to partner with people at such critical points in their unique journeys.
  • 255 comments
  • Leave a Comment

  • lily

    December 15th, 2012 at 11:44 AM

    when did he tell you about the children? was he upfront about it from the very beginning? or are the facts being revealed to you gradually? if it is the latter I would say run, without a doubt!

    but if he was honest with you from the beginning I think you need to think about what future you see with him. if you see yourself settling down with this man then you need to consider all the things that he will bring along into the marriage – the custody of the kids, his connection with his ex wife, your connection with his children,your plans of having children, and many others. tbh there’s no one but you who can answer this for sure. there is a lot of introspection to do and I would say its better to start ASAP.

    Reply

  • Elizabeth

    January 16th, 2017 at 1:52 PM

    This post is pretty old but I would like to give my opinion. When I was younger (26 now) I was dating a guy who I really thought could be the one…. Until his 3 yr old moved in with him. On my 1st meet she was horrible kicking, throwing tantrums, tried to hit me a few times which dad noticed I was not having it (I don’t blame her , blame them for not teaching her manners). And the next day I told him I couldn’t be with him. He asked and insisted to know why until I told him ” I don’t and cant be with you because you have a daughter, am not built for it and it would be unfair to her if I were to come around and ignore her or not want to make her my priority”, plus I didn’t tell him this but I simple felt like I couldn’t love his daughter , like she was going to be a constant bother in our relationship. I was 18 then and maybe a little immature but I knew what I wanted and someone else’s kid was not one of those things. All am saying is be smart and do not stay in a relationship that makes you feel less important than you are. If him having a kid is a deal breaker and you automatically feel like you cant do it, THEN DONT. At the end the only one who truly suffers is the kid.

    DONT USE THE LINE “EVERYONE HAS KIDS NOW AT DAYS” (Stop lowering your standards.)

    On the last note, my beautiful, amazing, mother-in-law got with my father-in-law when his kids were still toddlers , and those kids treated her like she wasn’t worthy. She planned trips(Around the world), fed them, took care of them, bought them everything they needed, and treated them like they were her own , even took them in when the biological mother became a drug addict, and they always found a way to make her feel like the Step-mother. (Even at sweet 16 which she paid for she was treated like shit and asked by the eldest to leave the picture because it was ” a family picture”. Till this day they still do and they are grown (32,36) But the difference now is that she doesn’t walk on egg shells and tells it like it is and puts them In there place.

    Reply

  • Sm

    January 17th, 2017 at 9:15 AM

    So,… You left him? How did you take that decision??

show more comments

Leave a Comment

By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.org's Terms and Conditions of Use.

 

* Indicates required field.

Search Our Blog

   

Browse by Category


Notice to users

GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition. Never disregard professional psychological or medical advice nor delay in seeking professional advice or treatment because of something you have read on GoodTherapy.
GoodTherapy uses cookies to personalize content and ads to provide better services for our users and to analyze our traffic. By continuing to use this site you consent to our cookies.