My Insecure Girlfriend Is Possessive and Controlling. Should I Leave?

August 9, 2013

My girlfriend won't allow me to have a life outside of her. We've been together for four years, and in that time I've never cheated on her. In fact, I've spent almost all of my free time with her. Even so, she feels compelled to account for my time apart from her—if I'm not at work or with family, I have to be with her or I come home to 20 questions. Consequently, I have been unable to attend social gatherings that don't involve her, go to the gym ("Who are you trying to look good for?" she'll say), or pursue any me-only hobbies. She checks my text messages and makes mountains out of mole hills. One night, she was hanging out with friends. I was expecting to work late, but I finished earlier than expected and decided to go get a bite to eat with a coworker. My girlfriend was livid when she showed up at my office and I wasn't there working like I said I would be. She was even more livid to find out I'd decided to go hang out with a friend, even though she was with her friends. As a 34-year-old adult, I thought it was OK for me to make the executive call to hang with a friend to pass the time. I've read article after article about insecurity and the damage it does to relationships, and most say something to the effect of, "Don't walk ... run!" The issue isn't getting any better, so I guess that's my question: Should I run? —Owned

Does this song sound familiar?

“Every Breath You Take” by The Police:

Every breath you take

Every move you make

Every bond you break

Every step you take

I’ll be watching you

Some people think it’s a love song, but according to Sting himself, it’s the opposite—as he put it, “very, very sinister and ugly.” Does it remind you of your relationship with your girlfriend? The song is about a stalker, someone who watches every single thing their partner does or wants to do and takes away their freedom. In such a relationship, a person might feel safe and loved at first, in a secure space, but that space quickly turns into a prison.

You say you’ve read many articles about insecurity and the damage it can cause. I am not going to suggest any more books or articles to you; I think it’s time you stop reading and start doing. I think you already know all you need to.

In the kind of relationship you describe—of possessor and possessed—both partners are insecure. You ask if you should leave. I ask why you need to ask. What do you want to do? I suggest that you seek professional help and a support group so you can learn to listen to yourself, act on your true needs and desires, and develop better, healthier relationships that will help you honor your own inner guide and grow.

Respectfully,

Lynn

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