My Parents Are Divorcing. How Do I Choose?

January 10, 2014

I'm 15 years old and my parents just broke the news to me that they're getting a divorce. They both seem OK with this, and they want me to be OK about it too. But they told me I need to start thinking about whether I want to stay in this house with my dad, or go with my mom to wherever she ends up living. I don't know how far away that would be, whether I would have to change schools or whatever. They said it will probably be a month or so before I have to choose, and to take my time. This just kills me! I don't know how to choose. I feel like if I pick one, the other will think I love him/her less, and that's just not the case. I do harbor some resentment toward my mom right now just because I think she's the one who broke up the marriage, so maybe my dad needs me more right now, but I love them both the same. I'm so conflicted! I wish I didn't have to choose. I hate that they put me in this position. I just feel like crying forever. What should I do? —Torn Apart

Even if parents seem OK with a decision to divorce, it does not mean that their children have to be OK with it. Divorce changes a child’s world in a pretty major way. It is OK and normal for a person in such a situation to feel sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, frustration, and anything else he or she might be feeling. It sounds like you are being asked to make some big decisions before you’ve had much of a chance to process how you are feeling about it all. It also sounds like you feel your parents have put you in a no-win situation. By making you choose, it seems you feel like you aren’t just choosing where to live, but taking sides. I’m sure that doesn’t feel very fair.

It is OK for children, amid divorce, to tell their parents what they are feeling. If any decision feels too big to make alone, it is OK to ask them for help. It is also OK to ask them if they can connect with a therapist or someone who can help a child sort through this situation.

It sounds like your parents are trying to figure things out, and maybe, by giving you the choice, they are trying to make you feel like you have some control in what seems like a situation that is so out of your control. They may be trying to help and let you have a voice in the process. That can actually be a really good thing.

A child whose parents are divorcing should feel empowered to let them know that it is making things hard and that he or she needs help, support, and guidance. Also, keep in mind that the choice you have been presented with might not have to be a permanent one. One option might be to try to finish the year where you are, thereby staying in your school through this year and then reconsidering in the summer what will work best for you.

I know this choice feels monumental—it doesn’t have to be. You also do not have to do this alone. By asking for the help you need, you will set yourself up to manage the changes that are coming without feeling as conflicted and overwhelmed as you feel right now.

Best of luck!

Erika

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