My Partner Can’t Control His Anger
Dear Sick of It,
I’m sorry to hear about this very distressing situation. It does sound like the man you’re seeing has a serious problem with anger management. The screaming, verbal abuse, and controlling behavior are familiar problems for those of us who work with men in therapy. Generally speaking, it is also untenable in any close relationship, and it’s often a deal breaker for women in relationships with men who cannot learn to manage their anger effectively. Without knowing more about him, it’s difficult to know what the underlying problems may be. I would be curious about stage of life issues, given his age and the fact that he’s been married three times previously. Most therapists recognize that this kind of anger is generally a type of defense or self protection. In my work with men, I usually identify fears and shame (feeling not good enough as a man) as the underlying emotional struggles that result in excessive anger. Another indication of this is his controlling behavior. Many people, men and women alike, are controlling because they’re afraid. For example, the more a man tries to control other people, the more he tends to be afraid that his needs won’t be met or that the outcome will reflect poorly on him as a person (shame). You indicated in your question that he says you don’t care about anything. Perhaps he believes you don’t care about him. This could be his perception, which he may not even be aware of, and it’s only a perception. He could be unusually needy and too ashamed to even be aware of his needs. He could also have a sense of entitlement—possibly resulting in a “narcissistic injury”—the little boy in him not tolerating his needs being unmet. In any event, you need to take action. Talk to him to see if he is willing to communicate about this. You need to set boundaries so that you don’t get hurt. He’s externalizing an internal emotional struggle and taking it out on you. You have a right to protect yourself—tell him to stop and that you will not accept that kind of behavior. If he won’t stop, you may need to take more definitive action, like separating yourself from him. Counseling or therapy may be helpful; perhaps he will go with you if you tell him it’s for the two of you.
Kind regards,
Richard
Richard Loebl
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Betty
June 14th, 2012 at 1:39 PMLeave that guy he sounds like a total pig and is not treating you fairly at all. You dont deserve to be treated like that it’s not safe.
kashae hunt
June 21st, 2012 at 3:07 PMYes me and my husband have a very hard time controlling our angury toward eachother and it is doing anything but destroying our six year old daughter and our nine year marrige please some help us thank you
Beth Andrews
July 9th, 2012 at 4:54 AMLeave and leave very quickly. I was in a relationship that lasted 10 years and the abuse escalated continuously. It first started with yelling nad grabbing then it moved to further physical abuse. I failed to recognize the whole situation and thought he simply still loved me and I was doing something wrong. So please leave before you too are put into the hospital.
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